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Hey, Bad Friends. We're on tour still. We have the last leg. That's it. We have Windsor, Ontario, Canada. Yeah. Niagara, Ontario, Canada. Oh, yeah. Tucson, Arizona. We're going to the desert.


Yeah, buddy. We're going out. Yeah.


Las Vegas, Nevada, closing it out.


We end the tour 420 in Las Vegas, Nevada. Please join the Bad Friends. We will not be going out for a long time now. We've got our own stuff going on. We're on a tour separately.


We might not go out for years.


Who knows? Go to Winsor, Ontario, Canada, or Niagara Falls, or Tucson, or Vegas. Go to badfundspod. Com for tickets. Badfundspod. Com. You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?


A white dude and an Asian dude.


You two are disgusting.


You two are something. We're bad friends.


What are these pamphlets that you read? I don't even know.


It's from the fan, the religious guy.


Oh, you remember? Oh, my God. We got to talk about this guy.Oh.


Yeah, this guy.


Do you remember this guy? Where was it? No. Reno?


No. Salt Lake.


No. No, Reno. No. Temecula. God damn it. Temecula, right? Yeah.


He comes solo.Yeah, we have-He has plastic see-through bags. Yeah. When we do meet and greets, we like it when the fans have a bag because you never know what's going to happen.


The gifts are amazing.


It's either somebody hand-drew a naked photo of my penis We've gotten 30 of them.30 of those, right?


For some reason.


Or a letter of some sort. You saved our lives.What.


The fuck?Or a dope piece of art. A dope piece of art.Oh, yeah. But I know. We appreciate the fan so much. We appreciate that.


We We throw it in the garbage.


No, we don't. You're sick, dude.


No, we keep it. Anyway, we have a warehouse full of-We actually do have a warehouse. Thank you for the gift. You know what I mean?


We love them. A man came up to us and said, Rudy, you're going to love this.Hi, Rudy, welcome back.Welcome back. Your headband is on backwards, but leave it that way because that is perfect. No, leave it.


I love.


Ivor. Ivor.


Ivor. Ivor. Ivor. Ivor. Ivor.


You are ivol.




No, ivol. Evor. Oh, ivol. Oh, God. You're going to be this slow all day today? Jesus. This guy gave us... He came up to us and he said, I think you guys would be interested in my church and my God. I said, Would your God like us? Does he know about the show?


It's almost as if, What show are you watching?


He loves us.


I know, but it's like... But he understands that if we accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and savior, the show changes.


No, that's not true.


We can accept Jesus. I talk about rabbits, sewing machines and all that stuff. Jesus invented all that. Oh, yeah.


Lord is behind all that. The Lord did it. Have you ever heard Jesus style? What? You just go like this. I have. You pump away. Yeah. You've never done that?


Yeah, but so much blood on the hands. Too much.


You know what I mean?


And I bleed out.


The Bible propheses about the second coming of Jesus. He handed us these pamphlets and he goes, I really think you guys I really think you'd benefit from Lord. I think I agree. You think we should use Lord more? Should we be more Lord-like?


Is it a different Lord where it's the religion is about sex and butt fuck?


No, what the fuck?


What is that? I've never even heard of that before in my entire life.


It's like a volcano of Filipino mountain God or something. Yeah, I don't like that.


How many gods do you have in the Philippines?


We're Catholicism, so we praise to three.


Three gods? I think Catholic only have one god.


The Holy Son.


No, the spirit. The Holy Ghost. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost? Yeah, we- That's all the same guy? Oh. Yeah. Okay. Unfortunately, it's the same guy.


Here's my fear.


The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost is different, but it's the same guy. It's like Steve Buscemi in Big Labowski in Conair and in Billy Madison. Did you see that theory on the internet? Did I send you this? Mm-mm. That they exist all in the same universe?


Yes. Let's go to that theory after this God thing. Sorry.


My brain is running wild. I know.


It's running real wild.


Well, I'm free today.


I'm free, too.


When it rains, I get free, baby. It pours.


That's what my grandmother said.


When it rains, we pour. When it rains, we pour. Happy holiday. Is your boyfriend doing anything for you for…


I don't know. Valentine's I don't know yet.


Maybe. Well, the good news is you can dump that guy because we have prospects that want to take you out for Valentine's Day. Yeah.




Go ahead, Carlos. A lot of people reached out to the Carlos in the booth Gmail after a couple of weeks ago when you said that you were open to dating a woman. A lot of people sent in applications, and we got a few of them right here. We got a few right here. Bridget M. I'm a 24-year-old living in Lake Tahoe, and I'm a ski instructor and lesbian. She's pretty. I heard the Bad Friends episode about Rudy and her curiosity about women. I've been gay for a while now, and I'd love to take Rudy on a no pressure, fun date. I'm an easygoing, fun-loving sweetheart. Big fan of the whole crew, and wish you all the best. Let me know if you have any questions. Best Bridget M. What do we think about Bridget M?


She sounds fun. That would be nice.


You go skiing with her?


Yeah. I've never done skiing, so she can teach me.


She would love to teach you. She'll teach you pizza pie.


She's pretty.


She is. What do we think on the scale of would not date zero, definitely would five, out of one out of five? It's not a judging her looks or just judging the likelihood of-The vibe. The vibe. The vibe.




Okay, it's out of five, but yeah. No, that's okay. It's all right.


So you really like her?


No, probably three.


Okay, three. All right, let's see the next one.


May I judge?


You can do. Yeah, go back up.


May I judge?


Okay, one out of five, you'd take her-Are you going to judge or no? No, I'm not a lesbian.


Either of them are, but okay. May I try?


That's debatable. All right.


A four.


So four, you would go on a date with.


If I was a woman, If I was a woman, my fear would be she would be a ski instructor.


I'd take me on the hill. I'd embarrass myself in front of her.


Yeah, but with the pull, you know what she can do it.


She's like, Hold on to this.


No. I know where to put this.


There's two of them. Oh, right. All right, let's go to the next person. Olivia M. It's Olivia from Dallas, 25. I think Jules and I have some common interest, but I also believe we have a similar sense of humor, and I appreciate how straightforward she can be. I'm also I recently open about my bisexuality, so we could find comfort in each other and with any initial awkwardness. Anyway, I'm an office manager by day. Beyond that, I enjoy riding motorcycles, playing video games, and adding to my Star Wars collection. I'm not much of a partier. I don't drink or smoke. I'm not sure I'd spend evenings unwinding with an anime binge. Not sure if I'm her type, but worth a shot.


She's so cute.


She is. She's crazy.


One through five.


I have a boyfriend.


No, but it doesn't count if it's a girl. Yeah. Yeah, that's the rules.


Everyone- Hypothetically.


Knows that.


Hypothetically. No, no, no. Everybody know. That's the rules.


That is the rules. I have my guy.


Yeah, I have my guy, too. Okay. This one's a five, I think. I know. Yeah? Yeah. Well, she's got a job. She has a car.


She could also be- We haven't seen the other candidate, so let's put her in four.


You might go back.


You're a little bit of a snob, though, huh? You want a roster? You want to have a reserve? Four. Five, for sure. Five. You want to get a four for five, for5'4.He's so pretty.


She's gorgeous. She could also be 2'8. You can't... Oh, the...


No, she's leaning against a vehicle. She was doing that to show you scale. How old is she?Oh, no. Unless that's a microcar. I think it's a catfish. You think it's a catfish?


This little blurry right there. I don't know.


Wait, what do you mean? It's not like in 1080. Zoom in. That looks pretty legit to me, Lois. Who takes a photo in the office like that? That's how it got to be her work photograph.


It's got to be-No, but that's how That's how catfish has used photos like this.


They do? Yeah. Have you been catfish?


No, because that looks like... What do you call it? One of those stock...


Like a stock photo. A stock photo? Yeah. That doesn't look like a stock photo. This looks like a real... Okay, it's the same girl twice.


Well, yeah, obviously, yes.


It's not fake.


Let's move on.


God, I would get catfish, huh? Yeah. Yeah, I bet. The next one is Elsa Y. Hey, Bed Friends pod. My name's Elsa, 22 from Seattle. I love the show. I think Rudy's cute as hell. Super funny. I'd love to go on a date with her. I think we might be a good match because I'm also by Curious. I have kissed a woman and it was awesome. Look at that. She likes pussy.


And she has a cat?




That's not hers. That's just for the photo.


Oh. Three.


Three. Okay, let's see the next one. How many of these do we have? Eight.


That's all. Eight. Let's keep going.


Madelyne, 22-year-old woman, lives in Illinois. I'm getting out as soon as humanly possible. I like Rudy, many others. One of the most perfect addition to the podcast. It's like a Harley Quinn. It makes me laugh. Chilled out personality. Not sure what interests her. I'd be more willing to learn. I did see her briefly enjoying a knife, which is sick, as I love... What's a Bal song? Bal song. Bally song? I can't see it. Zoom in. What is it? Balsong. What's a Bally song? Bally Yeah, you know. Is that your language? Bally song? No. Bally song. Bally song? Personally, my favorite thing to do is to learn. I'm pretty down to do anything, seeing new places. What's a Bally song? Google what that is. I got to be honest with you, in that second... Oh, it's a butterfly knife. Oh. Yeah. You know how cool that is to do that? That thing, you know how they flick it? Yeah. Go back to the photo. Isn't that Dylan Kleebold on the right? That's not the Columbine shooter on the right. That is very much Columbiny.


Honestly, this is what Carlos likes.




Yeah, wild. I could die.


Well, she's got a ferret there. Or is that a... What is that? It's a ferret.


Bobby's projecting right now onto me.


You could tell how quickly George knew what a ferret was. He's like, That's been on my ass.


No, because I went out with a girl since Kalalina broke up, and she was super poor, and it went into her bedroom, and she had scully posters and stuff. No furniture, but on her thing was switch blades and other clippings of nails on the table. I just It's weird shit. Some residue, you don't even know what it is. You know what I mean? You look at the sheets and stuff, you're like, Oh, my God, it's so dirty.


It sounds familiar. Were you at your house? I Did you just walk into your room?


You're a real fucking asshole today.


. Keep going. She had dirty little sheets. Was the sex good?


I never fucked her, but I made out with her. In my mind, I'm like, Oh, I'm into this.


Oh, you like bad girls.


Like a danger. Like Harlequin. Don't you love Harlequin, nick?


Yeah. You know what I mean? Nicky loves that stuff.


You have your girl that you're going to go on burn things down.


She's like, Meet me at the Cemetery at 9:00. Yeah. That's the start of the date.


Then you watch a movie there or what?


No, you chase each other around.


Now, they do the movies.


Oh, I love it.


Anyway, go ahead. Let's move on. You like her? One through five.


Three. Three. Okay, there's another three. I'm a four. Okay, this is Michelle N. My name is Michelle from San Diego, Bobby's hometown. I'm submitting my application for Girl Giuliana, my hands and knees for a woman. I'm on my hands and knees. I'm 21 years old, and I'd love to court her. Four. Well, she's biting a girl, right?


You know why?


Biting a cat.


Because she's brown.




Let me say something about white people. Why? I want to defend George, nick, right? They are pure people. Let me say something about that, okay?


That's right, brother.


Yeah, there are pure people.


Preach the word, brother.


They're dry. That's right.


Their skin is super dry. I'm cracking right now.


When they age, they shrivel up.


Oh, yeah, like a raisin.


Like Clint Eastwood men, right?


Get off my porch, career.


Some of them are like... They seem dirty.


What kind? What? What kind?


You know what I mean? Yeah, this type.


What does that mean? They crease.


I'll just say your name. You're here, all right? They seem dirty, but let me say something, creative as fuck. When they come up with back in the medieval days with-So you're saying No. What I'm saying is that based on the photo, she wasn't the hottest one, but just because she was brown, you chose her. Because you feel safe. No.


Because you think white people are evil.


No, I think she's really cute.




Also, she thinks white people are evil. These two things can coexist.


Am I too much today?


I think I'm-I think you're right on the money.


Should I calm down? I think it's great. I feel like I'm very... No.


Are you excited Nick's here or something? No. I thought that was the excitement.


Our good friend nick Chris is in the studio today. I love him, but-What? He's being fine. Stop judging. I wasn't.


We're not judging. I feel like I'm elevated or yelling.


Well, it could be George is here because when George is here, it tunes you up a little bit. It gets me riled up.


It does.


Why is Fancy not here?


He's on the East He's out of town this week. I still also want to read more of this, okay?


Okay, that's okay. Let's keep going. There's Holly L. Too much to read. She's 22 from the UK. Despite us English girls being known for looking like Gorlok, I can assure you with my photos. Five. Absolutely do not. I'm very single, not interested in anyone in England. It's dire times.


I would mirror her right now, five.


What? She said she loves dogs. She has a black Labrador. She underlined black in all caps for some reason. I have black nut sacs. I'm extremely adventurous. Foody. She loves food.


She looks like she's a dom.


She's a dom. Yeah, you're sub for her.


I feel like I... Yeah.


She's pretty beautiful. What do we think about this girl?






You're so fucking dumb right now.


What the fuck is wrong with you, dude?


Fuck you. What the fuck is wrong with you, dude? We're giving you fucking- That's prime white. Also English.


Prime white. But I want my color. This is O. G.


White. O. G. White, dude.


Can I try my first time with my own color?


You fucking bigot, dude. You're such a racist. It's so crazy. Get outside of your own circle. You know what, dude?


What? I'm agreeing with some people about the border. I'm tired of it. I'm on your side, dude.


I told you, brother. I'm telling you, man. We got to close it up.


Yeah, The separation maybe is right.


Okay, fine. Four. No, don't say it.


I'll do four. Five it. Go down. Give her a five.


All right, the next one is Sadie B. Sadie, 24, lives in Southern Maine. She I look tough because I work in a prison. I'm also very soft and silly. Rudy is hilarious. Such a great person. Questioned my sexuality while ago, too. But after hearing your awareness test, I can promise you, you're gay, babe. I know we could have some good times together. Let's hang out. Oh, man, she'll lock you up. Yeah.






I don't know. What is happening here? What can I say? Every one of these girls is pretty. Every one of them.


Yeah. I have a little thing with the second photo. What? She sent the one with the fucking pimple patch on her face.


It's because it's showing that she's human just like you.


Okay, I like it.


She's in uniform there. What's that little badge say? Can you zoom in? What does that say? Derek Chauvin is innocent? No. That's crazy.


It says that? No, it says Kyle Rittenhouse is God.


Oh, okay. That's what it says there.


He's sexy.


She is. He only gave her a three. Let's move on. I mean, it's insane. Next up is Bayly O. Hi, I'm Bayly, 21. I live in North Carolina.


Okay, this I get.


I work at Hooters, so I'm good with women. 510. She can be a crazy and bitchy, and she She said she also doesn't have tits. She said she's flat. I love it. But she works at Hooters.


What is it?


We should open up a fucking- I just feel like I'd be scared of her. Yeah, she'd fuck you up. She's 510.




Says she's a little flat. But she works at Hooters, which is crazy.


Small boobies are fine.


Red chicken wings.


No, why would she have small tits and work at Hooters? It's the fucking whole thing.


I know, but you know what- We should open a restaurant called Peckers.


Huh? Peckers, little peckers. All the servers are men with little tiny penises. Yeah. Okay. You would be lead on the floor. So one out of five?


Yeah, I don't know. I'm just scared. She seems like nice, but I feel like.


This is the white that you are scared of. I like it. This is the white you're scared of. Yeah. I understand. I'm a white.


Or I'm scared. That's it, actually. Okay.


All right. Of all the candidates, let's slowly scroll back up and see. Unfortunately, Bayly is a no for you. She lives too far. The cop, the Sadie B that works in the prison, Sadie B. Then we've got the Brit, Chirio, Molliel. Then we've got the Brown that bites- That bites the cat. Michelle. Then we've got Dylan Kleebold, Madaline T. Then we've got Elsa Y, Let it go. Then we've got Olivia M. We liked her, too. She's pretty. You think she's a catfish, maybe. Our first girl goes back to the very beginning. That's Bridget.


Can I do top three?


Yeah, do top three.


Okay, first one is Michelle.


Yeah, we know. The brown one.


The brown one. Number two is this girl.




Number three. Number three is the second one.


Three is this one, Olivia.


For the wedding of the lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready. Bless Dude, what the fuck are you doing, dude?


We're trying to have a moment.


I'm doing my fucking monolog.


Can you not?


Fucking sorry, dude. Rude. I'm sorry.


It's out of pocket, dude. No, no.




Truly out of pocket, dude.Tig.For the wedding of the lams come. You know what, dude? Get out of the room, man.


If you're going to fuck up his shit, you got to get out.


Talk about God and the Lord, dude.


They're one in the same.


All right, I'm out. No, can you just learn to not laugh when I'm being serious? Sure, yeah. Look at me right now, dude. I'm going to look at you while I say this. If you fucking laugh, I swear to fucking God, you're fired.


All right, let's go.


What do you think?


I've been wanting to fire him for a long time.


Here we go, dude. All right. George, I swear to fucking God, dude. Ready? Here we go. For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready. 'Blessed are those who are invited to the Wedding Supper of the Lamb.


' Very good. Is that what it says?


Yeah, I don't know what it means.


I don't get it.


I don't know what it means. Let me read it. Here, I don't know what it means. I don't know what it means. I don't get it. Say it the way I said it. Or do it better.


For the wedding of the Lamb has come. There we go. And his bride has made herself ready. 'Blessed are those who are invited to the wedding supper of the Lamb. The The bridegroom is the lamb, the bride is the wife of the lamb. Guests, invitees, who is the bride? The wife of the lamb. This is why I don't fuck with this stuff because it's too much. I don't understand. What are you talking about? What are you fucking talking about?


I've never seen a lamb. Anyway, I...


Blessed are the-I've never have.


Have you ever seen the lamb? People talk about the Bible, talks about lambs and sheep. I've never seen them. It's not a part of my life.


The bride of Christ of the Lamb's wife is a metaphor are used in the number of related verses in the Christian Bible, specifically, blah, blah, blah. I believe in something. I have a belief system. Me, too. I don't like rhetoric. I don't like... I just don't like... It's like, let me just believe in my fucking-Let me ask you something.


Let's be real, dude. Yeah. Okay. As a consensus in the bad friends ecosystem here, let's get a consensus over here, right?


Consensus, yeah.


Okay. Nick, please. Okay.


Consensus. Let's get a consensus.


That's what I said. Let's go. Gay marriage, what do you feel?




Supportive. We'll say it on the count of three. One, two, three. No. No.




It's a sin.


Okay. Let's be real, though. I'm trying to get the ecosystem.


Okay, of course. Yes, I'm going to a gay marriage soon.


Yeah, I love them.


I love the avenue. Let me tell you something. I I don't like any weddings anymore. I don't want to go to anybody's wedding. I don't want to go. I don't want to go.


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What do you do? No, but what I want to do is, how do I get on that mountain? How do I do the little parasailing?


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What do you think of gay marriage?


Yeah, I don't give a fuck. I don't care what people do.


Okay, how about this one? Sex before marriage.


No. One. Absolutely against it.


You've done.




You've 100% done.


Never had sex before marriage.


Really? No.


What? Waited. Never even got a tugger.






In your wife?


Yes. Scout's Honor. Scout's Honor. Right. Sex before marriage.


Yes. How about yes? How about these guys? Yes. Nick? You're fine with it?


Sinner. Sin, sin, sin. Okay.


Does a border have anything to do with the Bible? A little bit. I'm running out of things, guys. I got to say it. All that murder. Here we murder, yes, right?


Wrong.right. It depends.It's wrong. Depends on who you're killing.Exactly.Self.




You can kill... Dude, this girl loves fucking murder. That's her whole thing.


Let me give you a scenario.


Okay. By the way, we should build the border out of Bibles. Dude, that's so brilliant. Then when they try to get over here, they can grab one and read what's really going on, get the word of the Lord while they're trying to scale the wall.


That's so good. We should put other things in the wall. If we're going to put pamphlets and Bibles.




Well, something that's exciting. How about that new... How about that crab book that people like, what's it? No, I mean the...


What? No, no, no.


They did a movie about it. It's about the Southern... They did a movie about it. It's a Southern movie. I read it. It's about the crabs, not the crabs, but...


What are you looking for, buddy?


It was a book. Anyway, other books. How about this? I don't know much books. What did we put in? The Sun Also Rises by Hemingway.




There we go.


Or something that they- Remember that book I saw online today? Hatchet. Remember the book Hatchet? Everyone had to read that. It popped back up to this book. Every kid in junior high had to read that fucking book. Why?


What would it have to do with what it had to do with Hatchets?


I don't fucking remember the book. Gary Paulson, though. I remember the name Gary Paulson. What was it about, Mccone? Do you remember? I think it was about a kid that got lost in the Alaskan wilderness. That's right. He had a kid. Zoom in. It's an honor award-winning young adult wilderness survival novel, Gary Paulson. I think he's from Minnesota. Shut the fuck up.


You ruin everything.


You ruin everything. You piss me off always.




About Brian Robertson's survival following a plane crash. Explores the theme of positive thinking and perseverance. He faces challenges from nature, bears, porchemites, dehydration, starvation. With with only his trusty hatchet to help him.


Can we go back to the wall or we want to go back to the fucking Bible?


The wall. Wall, wall, wall. Build the wall. What about incest love?


But not direct relative. What about second cousin?


Are you talking like royal family stuff? Yeah. Yeah.


You know what? That's a good question. Yeah. Thank you for that question. I'm going to go. May I dive in? God, please. First cousin, no.


Second, yeah.


I'm done with first cousins.


Jesus Christ. So fast?


I'm not also done with first cousins. There's caveats. Okay.


You can marry your first fucking cousin in 10 states. Laws regardless- California, you can. I I know. California, Alaska, Hawaii, New Mexico, Colorado, Florida, Georgia, South Carolina, Tennessee, Alabama, Virginia, New York, and Jersey, and Massachusetts, and Maine.


The places they actually do it, it's super illegal. Like Texas.


It's a criminal offense in Texas.


That's when they do it. That's where they do it, and it's like, no.


Can you imagine North and South Dakota had to bond together? What if one of them was like, no way, and the other one was like, come on? They're like, come on, we're a package deal. We're North and South.


Do you have any hot cousins?




Yeah, either do I. I don't view them as hot.


No, but that's rude to say. I'm sure they're pretty. My cousins are, yeah, It's like they're not ugly people.


How many first cousins do you have?


A thousand. My mom's one of 10 kids.


You have 28 first cousins. I have a million. 28.


Are you a dog?


What did you just say? Did you just say, Are you a dog? You are what you eat. You are what you eat.


No, just let that sink in. You are what you eat. I'll tell you why that's good. It was good. It was fast.


It was very fast.


It was something that you would say.


It's something I would say. He's learning.


I'm going to give you credit. That was very funny. Yeah. Okay? I just stood up because of the timing.


It was perfect. It was very good.


I'm going to give you props for it. Thank you, Mom. Very good. Wow, that was very good.


That was good. What do you think? That was very good. Very good. Why do you ask Rudy, Do you want to marry one of your cousins?


No, I'm just saying.


Have you ever Have you ever kissed a cousin? No. You ever had a crush on one of your cousins?


Yeah, I've told you. Yeah, that's right. I'm just saying-That's right. I feel like that's fine to marry your second cousin.


Why is it... Of all the people you could meet, you just feel comfortable With family? No.


What if there's an actual attraction and it's just pure love?


Yeah, let's say you're single, you're at a fucking family function. Your second cousin is Margot Robbie. Yeah. She's single. Yeah. You're at the banquet. Yeah. Buffet table, whatever. I don't know what you guys eat, but fried chicken, I don't know. Anyway, you guys are at the chicken plate.


Okay, I'm me and you're Margot Robbie. Hey. Hey.


I don't know how to...


She's from Australia.


Oh, yeah. I don't want to do...


Hello? Perfect.




Hey, what's up, Margot? How are you? Good to see you. Congrats on everything that's been going on. Barbi, what a success. Thank you. It's incredible. I heard you... Are you sick? Yeah.


I'm a little cold.


You sound different, Margot. Can you imagine how hot Margot Robbie is? With this voice, you'd never fuck her.


Anyway, I love you on the bad friends.


Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. No, no, no. Thank you, Margot. Yeah, yeah. Can I have some of that Guda? Can you pass the Gouda? You like the fuck? Sorry?


Anyway, Gouda.


Yeah, the Gouda, please. Thank you. Here's the Gouda. Thank you, Margot. Yeah, yeah. Thank you.


Alou, alou.


Yeah, I would never hook up with this cousin. I don't know. Anyway. No, even if Margot Robbie was your cousin, no, of course not. Second cousin. No, because you'd still be like, That's my family.


Okay, what if you met someone and then you fall in love with them?


Then you find out. Then I kill myself. I jump off a fucking bridge.


I feel like it's fine.


Yeah, I know.


Can you have a baby with your second cousin and the baby become normal?


Yeah, the likelihood slides, I think, after-Maybe a little autism. Something. Well, look at all of us in this fucking room. Yeah, we're a guy. Are we cousin babies? Yeah. The child of a second cousin is known as a second cousin once removed. To put this in perspective, you're the second cousin once removed. Right. But the chances of having... What are the chances of having birth defects? This is insane. I know. She's a. Yeah, she did it. The risk of birth defects is slightly higher than for the child of unrelated parents. 3-4% compared to 2-3 for any child. Really, you're only a % higher with your second cousin.


It's still a gamble.


You're like, Yeah. Get cat's Vegas, baby. What? Hit the tables.


But third cousin, you're fine.


4-7% if there's closer blood.


Now, if you had a baby with, God forbid, no one does it, with your biological sister, what happened? Oh my God. What? Give me the percentage on that.


I mean, with sibling, 75%... No, what is it? The birth defect rate of all kinds is about 2% between siblings is 3-4. The increase is 75%, not 25.


75%. No.


No, it just says the increase is about 75%. From two. From two. Wow.




The problem is when multiple generations do it. It's not just one.


Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, When you're looking online about what if my sister...


And then you're like, 2%, fucking whatever.


Manipulate the numbers.


Yeah, they should change the numbers to be a little bit higher. 0.2% of all marriages in the United States are between second cousins or closer. That means there are about 250,000 Americans that are in second cousin relationships right now. That's interesting. So somebody we know, maybe. Yeah.


Do you think if you and I go back, our ancestry, that we find some connection?




No, but just maybe how many generations would you and I would have to go back?


Never, ever in a million. Nothing.


You look the same, though.


Okay. Shut the fuck up. What the fuck are you talking about?


It's like something. You don't think we can go like 100,000 years back?


No, because I'm from an island. Ireland's a little fucking island.


I'm from Peninsula.


Yeah, it's not going to- I'll go. How would we- Yeah, they don't work. I know about this guy. The Bloomen, yeah. But how would we even link up? We would never link. We would never have any connection. It's just too far back. You two, for sure.


No, island, peninsula.


Yeah, but you're still on the same side of the world.


Not only that, they've been mixed with other bloods.




No, he means creatures from the sea.


Oh, I like that.


Trust me, I know you do.


No, but you know like the Spanish, you guys have been colonized. That's right.


Did you hear about this? Look, if this is true, they said all blue-eyed people are related. Oh, wow. All blue-eyed stemmed from one man. Is that crazy?


They said it's incest, right?


Well, here you keep going back.


We're going to move past incest right now. Get everything out now, and then we'll move past.


New research shows that people with blue eyes have a single common ancestor. Go up to the top. Scientists have tracked down a genetic mutation which took place 6,000 to 10,000 years ago. 10,000 years ago, and it's to cause the eye color of blue-eyed humans alive on the planet today. You're all a part of one fucking answer. Not you. Are you blue-eyed, George? Oh, yes, sir. You would be. You're Hitler's dream. Look at this guy, blue-eyed blonde hair.


But North India has a lot of blue-eyed people, too.


Yeah. You know, George is actually one of those guys I would kick at this. Hitler, who do you think you'd hang out with if you came back today? Well, George Kimmel seems like somebody I would like to maybe get a snack with. The way he dresses, the way he laughs, his glasses. He reminds me of myself when I was his age.


You do have rage, man. Yeah. There's a rage deep down. Bubbling.


I haven't seen you in so long. It's deliberate, but it's good to see you now.


Yeah, it's just a little rage.


I'm scared of George more than others.


What? I know.


Exactly. Wait, really? Why? Thank you.


There's something. There's rage.


There's a rage, though. It's bubbling.


I'm not rageful. Because mine comes with heart and love, and his is from something. Something Something dark. You're right.


You don't suppress yours. You express your feeling.


I let it rip.


The other day we did the show, you got a little depressed. I came into the room and I go, Are you okay? Because I need my space, and I get it. You're very honest about your emotions, and I love you so much. I love you. When you get sad, my Andrew gets sad, man, I get real sad, too. You know what bummed me out the most?


The pizza was terrible. Dude, not only that, it fucked my day up the next day.


It lingered in my body.


Is that what you got a stomach? Dude, yes. It fucked me up. My stomach It hurts so bad. When we were sitting on that plane, we sat on the tarmac in Reno for a couple hours. They had to de-ice us, take us back, de-ice us, take us back. The whole time I'm thinking, I'm going to shit myself. I'm either going to shit right on Macone because he sat next day. Yeah. Or I'll just take one for the team and just do it in the seat.


I'll tell you no, I didn't know why it's bad because I took six Imodium ADs and I still had diarrhea.


Shout out to Roundtable Pizza. Really putting in work.


Now that you say that, I want to bring up a gripe.


Bring up a gripe. I love gripe.


I don't want to see the restaurant.


Oh, should I have not said Roundtable?


No, but there was a restaurant that we wanted to go to. Carlos called and said, The boys are in town. I know you close. You know what I mean? Oh, right. We would love to. They go, We don't give a fuck. They're here. We don't give a fuck. They didn't give a fuck. No, thank you. Don't come in. I'm disclosed. Oh, I wish you would. I know. I don't even remember. That's why I can't do it. You're doing your De Niro, right?


Yeah, I remember. When you do De Niro, it means you're mad.


I'm this fucking close. I'm telling you the right now. I'm fucking this close.


That's really good.


Let me tell you something right now.


But why don't we give credit where credit's due? You know a restaurant stayed open for us?




No. In Salt Lake City in the bubble at the rooftop. Well, not really rooftop of the higher regency in Salt Lake City.


Remember we said outside? Oh, my God. Now, that place? Respect. Phenomenal. Phenomenal respect.


I loved it. They stayed open late, and then outside Inside, Bobby was first like, They're going to fucking walk us outside. We're going to eat outside. But it was like little huts, like little outdoor, your own little hut with your own little- We were in the.


I want to go there.


It was on the... Look at that. That's our little hut right there. That hut. It had music and a heater.


Yeah, of course, this guy immediately Bluetooth his own fucking iPhone. Yeah. Like your DJ. Why are you DJ every time?


Let's rewind. You literally turned to me in the middle of the dinner and goes, I love every song you've played.


I know.


I did. So What are you fucking talking about? I played Everything You Like. I played Big Thief, and you were like, Holy shit, I love this. I played so much shit you liked, and now you're fucking flipping it for the pod?


It's not that. I'm not flipping it for the pod. This is just a gripe that I have. Can you guys back me up? Please set for once.


Here we go.


Anytime there's a Bluetooth, whether in the backstage, in the green room, or any restaurant, it's always him that's in charge of the DJing. It is. I'm wondering why.


Have I fucked up?


Is he the leader?


Oh, Oh, my God.


Are you the leader?


I try to make the ambiance nice for everybody.


I'm an ambiance guy, too, my friend.


Well, then say I want the Bluetooth.


You won't even let me.


That's right. But say you want it so I know you do, and then I go, no.


Anyway, let's go back to the restaurant. That restaurant, what was it?


Carlos, what were you going to What are you going to say? What were you going to say?


Just that was it your Bluetooth speaker? Whose was that?


It was the restaurant's. They left it for us.


But even in any situation, have you not- I think the answers is trying to be nice, bro.Thank.


You, dude.I.


Really do, because we had a tough It was just, I think he was just-And the music selection was righteous.


You fucking liked everything I got. This is what you do.Oh.


My God.Great..


I'm sorry. I'm a part of fucking this society, and I'm playing by these rules. Okay. What you do is you think to yourself, Gee, in every single situation, I'm usually DJ, and I hook up the Bluetooth really quickly and just play my own music.I.


Think that's a nice thing to do.I just stop, right?Is that not a nice thing to do?In.


This particular situation, I'm going to do this. Hey, guys, you guys want to be DJ for the night?


But he doesn't do that.Unbelievable..


He goes right to the fucking Bluetooth thing. Then they connect with the speaker. They pair. He's pairings, too. He looks around the room, you'll see what I got in store. You know what I mean?


It's like, All right, we got it then. No lie told. Yeah. Then I play fucking Bangers.


Some of them. Bangers. Some of them are not.


What? What did I play that you didn't like that night? Every fucking song.


Well, there's one song that you played that I can't stop listening to. What? Warrens Yvonne.


The best. So you're welcome.


That song.


Warrens Yvonne, I know.


I guess you're right. When sometimes you DJ, I do third. I do third. Full circle. Yeah, but I can influence you, too. You won't let me.


No, that's not true. Help me the fuck out. You know what? And then... This is insane.


It's I don't say you don't bring it up, Bob.


You don't say anything. If you said, I want to DJ. No, no, no. Do it. I said, Do it immediately. Don't. Don't George Bush him.


Yeah. Don't George Bush. I felt like that reporter went George Bush right just now.


Don't Bush him. Bush duck.


Yeah. That was the best duck. That was the best shoe duck in world history. He eyeed it. Dude, he's my president. When I saw that, that's the guy did.


That's how you know he has good reaction time and good precision. I mean, he put both of those planes into the towers.


Yeah, this is Biden.


Yeah, right in there. This guy, he can throw a pitch.




He can throw a pitch, he can dodge a shoe, and he can crash three planes into government buildings. He's the man. He is the man. I love him.


God bless. Anyway, let's move on. Rocket Money. You guys, I have so many subscriptions on my phone and iPad on stock. It's ridiculous. I'm losing money because you're not even aware of these things. You know what I mean? Some game thing.


Especially now that all these companies are now putting out new apps and new versions of the old one that you used to pay for. I swear to God, I just got an email two days ago, I'm not going to say from the company, and they said, We've raised the rates already. We're doing it again. I had no idea.


Rocket Money It is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills.


You can see all your subscriptions in one place, which is great because usually you have no idea where they are and what you're paying for. If you see something you don't want, you can cancel it with one little tap, and it's gone. You never have to get on the phone with customer service. They're even going to try to get you a refund for the last couple of months of wasted money and negotiate to lower your bills for you up to 20%, which is impressive. All you have to do is take a picture of your bill and Rocket Money will take care of the rest. Rocket Money has over 5 million users, including me and Bob, and has helped save its members an average of $720 a year with over 500 million in canceled subscriptions.


Stop wasting your money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney. Com/ Bad Friends.


That's rocketmoney. Com/badfriends. Rocketmoney. Com/badfriends.


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Anyway, so DJ, let's go. Oh, the restaurant. So let's go back to the restaurant, right?


Oh, it's phenomenal.


No, the restaurant that they denied us. This is what it felt like.


What's the name of the one that we liked?


Here, I'll pull it up right here.


Yeah. Oh, you don't know how to say it. Marmunta Yana. It was phenomenal. On the rooftop of the Hyatt Regency in Salt Lake. Shout out to those guys.


They were great. Also, the surface was oh la la. She was incredible.


Everybody was great.


Udo was great. Yeah. All right. Now, go back to the place you ate. Let's go back to the fucking place that we call. Go ahead. We call. They acted as if we don't want that garbage. Yeah, they did. In our restaurant. I'm like, Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just on a top 10 comedy podcast on planet Earth. No, on planet Earth. You know what I eat?They.


Didn't want it.


I could right now write down the restaurant and go like this and go, Fuck this arrogant piece of shit, the food of diarrhea. Worse than fucking... I could do that, but I'm not.


You're not.


But next time we're in town, if you do that again, fuck you.


War. You don't want war with the lead.


Am I being a dirt jerk? I feel like I'm being arrogant. But I'm going to tell you something right now, though, They would probably do it to like, Oh, the manager at fucking writing is here. You know what I mean?


Come on in. Let's go down the list of comics. You think would they do that to Berk Reischer and Tom Segura?


I think they wouldn't.


They would have had a table for them.


I truly believe they would.


What about Theo?




They would deny him.


Yeah, he's garbage, I guess. In terms of the... We're rat people. Yeah. He's a rat, and I love rat people.


He's the rat king.


He's the rat king, and I love rat people. I love him. He's hot.




He's hot. That's enough. Okay, enough of you. We said, Stop it now.


He's not your cousin. He's our friend. Anyway, do you like him? Give me another name. Give me another name that would not get... Or it gets sad. If they would get it or not.


Spade. Oh, yeah. 100%.


We'll close the restaurant down for you. I know. Give me another name.






Yeah, he's out like us. He's like us now. Damn. Yeah.


He's in the wild. But maybe he is still him.


Jim Jeffries.




Yeah. Get a table, you.


Yeah, he would.


Sit up a table, you fucking.


Yeah. I can tell you who just off-You wipe your cheek, your left cheek.


I don't know if it's a booger or something. On your left cheek. What is that? Is that a boog?


It's wax or something.


Is that what you find on the tub? Yeah. You're going to open your gift right there I got you, the barrel? Turn it around. Oh, this one? Yeah, open it up. Yeah. You see Jake's dick?


That was the leak today? It's as long as that, it's big.


Let's see it.


I heard it got leaked. Look, That's not Drake. It is. That guy- Don't pinch the base. No, you got it. That gets more flow to the top.


I know, but it's still not accurate.


Wait a minute. He sent this as a- It's like a private, and then someone leaked it. That's mean. That's mean, dude. But I guess, or he- It's so long. Let me see. Go back again. How did you find it the first time? I think that's in... Yeah, I don't know. That's long. It's not. I think that's just an image.


I think that's just- There's a video.


All right. All right, anyway. What did you do all day today?


Can we talk about your private life? Let me say something. You're still at school.


Wait, I want to share my story.




Okay. In our new house, we think we have a ghost friend.


Go on.


Because every time Ati Kalaila goes to Hawaii, I hear footsteps and Ati Kalaida's voice just talking in her room.


Yeah, that's me.


It's not you. But it's been happening like- Then you're in the house by yourself when she's gone? By myself. But it doesn't seem like it's a bad energy.


It's just there. So the ghost is mocking. It's like a parrot. It's mauling her?


Kind of. It's walking around at night, especially at 12 AM.


Does it say Rudy? Does it say anything to you?


No, but it's specifically at the Kaleya's voice.


Okay. The four dogs. Are they in the room with you?


Yeah, and they don't care. They're not going crazy.


You would think that a fucking ghost is talking. Rudy, you know what I mean?


It's not saying my name.


Any name that the dogs would go ape shit.


Because dogs can see those.


They sense that shit. You've never seen the movies? They sense it before anyone else senses it.


I've told you this before. My dog has stared at the goat because I've told you about the ghost in my house. She'll stare. She'll sit and stare right at the hallway, and then she'll turn around, look at me, and then look right back at the hallway.


That's what my dogs do.


Well, if they're good spirits, it's fine. Mine's an old woman that died in my house.


Do you know what Bojo did to me? What? I'm fucking watching videos on my iPad. Bojo walks onto my fucking table right to the edge and looks at me like this. I look at him like this. We do this for about a minute. Then I go, I'm going to get some water. I get up. Bojo is still staring where I used to be. I'm like, Oh, he wasn't fucking looking at me. Then watch what he does. He's looking at nothing now, and he gets scared. He goes, What? At nothing. I ran out of the house.


Maybe you're dead.


Oh, wow.


What if you're dead?Oh.


Man.holy shit. What do you mean?


Do you want to tell him?


Bob, I was driving drunk, and you were in the passenger seat, and we crashed into McCone's car outside of Bad Friends. And McCone and you are now gone.


You guys have been dead.


It was funny, though, at the We were having a good laugh.


That's right. In the other world, Mâcone is funny because of that dog joke. Now it all makes sense.


He would only be funny and smart because he's dead.


Yeah. Maybe Because he's getting the energy from all the other spirits up there.


Yeah, it's not his shit. It's not original.


Yeah, he's a hack.


Yeah, he's stealing humor from the other world.


That's interesting.


I did decide, by the way, this past week that I'm going to be wrapped in a Forever suit, where it's the Forever suit.


What do you mean, my friend?


When you die, they basically wrap you in this, a Forever suit that detoxifies your blood and the toxins inside of you so you can be put into the Earth directly. They wrap you. A mushroom suit.


Yeah, pretty rad. Oh, let me see it.


And the Good Death. Yeah, they wrap you in this stuff and you just You grow into the Earth. Eternal suit or something like that.


I don't even know. I've seen that before, but wouldn't you grow without the suit? Your dead bodies would still give the soil nutrient.


No, because we have so much toxins inside of us that it's bad for the ground. So this suit helps you detoxify and organically decompose. So the plants around you can... That's not it, Carlos. What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? I'm going to avatar shit.


No, because I saw a document called 8 Ways to Die, 8 New ways to die. That was one of them. Where there's a place where they wrap you in a thing, and then you find the plot of land where you want to go, and then they die, and then a tree grows on top of you.


I love it. I think that's amazing. I want that. That's what I want. Why? Because I'd like to be reburst into the earth.


Yeah, do it. I'll chop down the tree.


You'll be fucking way dead by the time I die. You're not going to fucking outlive me.


Why do you say shit like that, man?


Well, you'll be dead.


Can I burn you when you're dead? Jesus Christ.


Can I be the one to do it? No, I don't want to be burned. I want to be in a suit.


Okay, can I wrap you then?


You can wrap me. Yeah.


And then Tito Bobby?


Well, he wants to be cremated. You can burn him.




I don't want any of that, man. In this fucking documentary I saw about death, there's a new way.




You get put into a rocket ship.


And shoot you into space? Yeah. Kind of tight.


I'd rather be up there.


What are you wearing?


Am I not right? No, this is real. Yeah, it's real. No, I saw a documentary about it. You go into space. That's nice. But I think your ashes get squirted out into the fucking You know what I want?


Launch into space and return to Earth for three grand. Launch into Earth orbit for five grand. Launch into lunar orbit or surface starting at 12 grand. And Voyager, launch into deep space for 12,999. You can launched into fuck off space for $13,000.


But I don't want to be ascious. I want a full body. Well, no shit. No, I want to be out there just naked.


Are they saying- Yeah.


Maybe I'll be the first welcoming thing with the aliens. Imagine my naked body. You're an alien. It's cremated remains or DNA. No, I want my whole body.


Oh, no. If that's what they look like down there, we should avoid going there. You'd be like a red flag, a human red flag.


No, I'm cute, dude.


You are cute.


Let's penetrate. It's probably something like that. Let's fuck it and eat it. No, I mean, no. Maybe there's more of that down there.


Yeah, but what if... I think they should be able to shoot your body into space. Why couldn't Why don't you shoot your whole fucking body up there? It's too much weight. It costs a lot of money.


No, but if you gave them $1 million.Oh.


They would do it.


They would do it, yeah.


What you could do is pay a couple of million to go to space and then just open the door and just go out and just die if you wanted to end it all.


Then you're just floating forever. I think that's a terrible way to die.




You would implode from the inside out.


Well, here's what you do. Take a cyanide pill or something and then go on for a spacewalk. Then you have minutes to die. Then you're dead and your body-You would die instantaneously out there.


No. It was the most painful death. What are you talking about?


You'd be wearing a suit. You'd be wearing a suit. Oh, a suit. You'd go for a spacewalk.


A spacewalk.


Die in the suit and then you float forever. What is it? What?


Oh, no, I was just going to say we do have some Valentine's Day stuff for you all.Valentine's.


Day stuff?Yeah.Let's do it.Let's see it.


Yeah, Mccone is bringing it out right now. What's this?It's.


A scratch off. Scratchers.


What is this? I don't like it. What the fuck is this?


It's candy.


Oh, it's candy. Yeah. That was real meat. I go, What the fuck?


You would eat that. These are from Christmas? These are old. I want to win something on these scratchers.




This is very nice. Thank you for the Valentine's Day gift, you guys.Thank you.Of course. We love you all. Clearly, I didn't match anything ever.


Look at this.


It says... This is the thing about scratchers. My whole family plays scratchers. How is that? Don't chew it, Mike.


It tastes like chicken.


What is that? Lunchables?


Lunchables, but the flavor is like the meat and stuff.


Oh, wow. You guys just got me regular old chocolate? Yeah. No, I like it just fine.


Do you need Do you need to have all the numbers or just one?


What does it say? It says on it. Would you win a dollar?


I have 28, 28, 1 million.


Shut the fuck up.


What are you talking about?


How do you do this?


How do you play this game? It just says if... Just one, right? You need... Scratch off the entire play area on any of your numbers. Show Teto in the intro.


You're going to match three of them.


Oh, three? Yeah.


Let me see. No, that's on his. You have a different one.


When any of your numbers match any winning numbers, the prize under the matching reveal a money win all symbol win all 20 prizes. When any of your one numbers match any winning numbers, where's the winning numbers? 436, 28, 15, 2.


I have 28.


Did she win a million dollars? Is this real?


Be real. Is it real? Let me see it.


Honestly, there's no way.


Let me see it.


It's not all It's all the winning numbers.


No, you got to match all the winning numbers. It says any.


Okay, so 28.


28. 28, 28.


I don't see 28 on here. There is. No, there isn't. There's 29.9, 38. Under it. 38. Oh, I hit 28.


Just give it to me.


First of all, let me say something. Is it any?


We're figuring this out, but also you're in our house.


Also, you don't get all of it.


I I'll share.


We're splitting it.


I'll share it. No, we're not splitting it. You and I get it, and that's it. We're splitting it.




You're in our house.


Honestly, this is weird because winning number 28. That's awful. It should be one million. I mean, honestly, based on this, but based on this, she won $1 million. I swear to God. That's fucking crazy.


Is this real? Yeah, it's real. I got them at 711 before this.


I'm not No, you're not fucking kidding around, dude. 28, $1 million.


You have to win three of them.


No, you don't. Yeah, you do. No, winning number. When one of your numbers match any winning number, so any of these winning numbers, one of these numbers. Give it to me.28, one million. Give it to me. If you rip it up, I swear to fuck it. Why would I do that?


Don't rip it.


Don't rip it.


. No, you're insane.


That's crazy.


I did too, Andrew. Fuck you. Is that real? Yeah, but you don't get to win it. No. Fuck you. I'll share it.


What are you doing, dude?


Happy Valentine's Day. Is it real? Put it back together. Are you sure?


Faked? Yeah, dude. What'd you get that?


Oh my God.


What'd you get that out?Amazon. That's insane, dude. That's insane, dude. Because I swear to God, dude. I thought it was real. I thought it was real, too.


Dude, their faces when I ripped it up.


He literally got-My body got, You know what I mean? We're going to do the Bad Friends movie. Here comes Fernald Island. The way we want to make it.


Dude, so funny the way that her face looked when I ripped it. So fucking incredible.Wow.I.


Thought it was real.Wow.


That was pretty good.Changed.


Your life forever. Yeah.


Then I got a fake one, a real one.That's a real one.We have a real one.I got nothing.


Yeah, I never win. Those things are bullshit. Bullshit.




What do you got? Thank you for the Valentine's Day. Hey, it was really nice.Thank you. It was very nice of you guys.


Give me chocolate. I don't like that. Yeah.


Let me throw one in your mouth. Say, Ah.


No, I want to pick the one. Open up. That fucking hurt.


Let me try again.No. One more, please. Well, I can't give you... Your mouth is... There you go.One more, one more.I.


Do you now.


One more.


I do you. This is how it feels.Okay.All right.


You're going to fucking hop it.I'm not.Don't throw it hard.I'm.


Not going to hop it.


I'm going to love it. You chipped my teeth.


I'm not going to hop it.I'm.


Not going to love it. I'm going to love it. This is not allowed. I'm going to love it.


You did twice, right? All right, no more.


Okay. Can I pick, though? Yeah, just have one, whatever you want. Take the whole thing. I spit one out because it tasted bad.


Have you guys seen Mr. And Mrs. Smith?


No. No, because we saw the original movie.


Yeah, but it's not the same thing. I'll tell you why I don't want to watch it. Why?


Because- I know why.


Why? Hold on. Why? I know why. Why? Why? Why don't I want to watch it?


You don't like Donald Glover.


Why? That's not true.


The shit he was talking about Dave?


I don't not like Donald Glover.


The shit he was saying about Dave.


You want me to clarify? I'll clarify. I don't not like Donald Glover. I don't have any beef with Donald Glover. But since I was on that show, Dave, there's been speculation and back and forth about somebody comparing us to his show because we were both on FX. Then a while ago, it came up that, I don't know, in some way, he was offended that people compared us. Then Vanity Fair did this thing with Maya Erskine, who's phenomenal from Pen15, interviewing Donald. And then here, look. Do you think you're more talented than this person? He's on a lie detector.


Yeah. This is going to start beef, but I actually like him. I think he's a really nice guy, but I'm just conceded.


Were you inserted when Critics compared Dave to Atlanta?


Yeah. I don't remember any Critics. I think it was just people, but I definitely was insulted. Not because I think that they're that Dave is bad, because I actually really don't think Dave is a good show. I just don't think they have a lot in common. That's true.


I do. Okay.


First of all, fuck Vanity Fair. What a fucking lame, weird setup.




Yeah, but that's a bullshit question.


Are they not elitists?


We don't play that I don't fucking... I mean, look, Dave is done. Our show is over anyway.


Kick a dead dog in when it's sleeping.


It's a Jewish dog, no less. So they should, you know what I mean? Given the circumstances of the world right now. No, but I don't have any hate for Donald fucking Glover. I just think it's a fucking... Yeah, you did.


No, I don't. I'm sure he was saying Anyway.


No, I think it's a lame line of questioning, Are you more talented than this guy? It's like, What the fuck are you talking about? That's so subjective anyway. And then for him to be like, Yeah.


We will get revenge.


There's no revenge. We will get revenge.


I'm speaking my piece. The game No. Vanity Fair, you listen here, you listen now. The race isn't over. The race is over when I'm dead, and I will get revenge. All right. We will, too. We will. And D. G, watch your back, dude.


Do you think you're more talented than this other person?


I'm tired of elitism. Aren't you tired of elitism? We see it in comedy.


Do you think you could beat this guy in a foot race?


I hate it. It's like, Can we just fucking just do what we do and let's move on?


I commented on this video. Do you think your dad could beat up my dad? That's what this is. Do you think you're more talented? Do you have more of a skill set than this other human being?


Yeah. What the fuck are you talking about? You know that comic right now that's doing the little voice thing? Get the fuck out of here. What's that? The voice? The auto-tune guy. The auto-tune guy. He's very funny. I see his clip. I've heard comics go, Well, they're cheating. I go, Why? Because he's crushing what the fuck. Who cares?


It's different than you.


It's different what you're doing. He came up with it. He He's great at it. It's fine.


Who are you talking about?


Yeah, he's great. He's doing a Brian Marnock show. He's very funny. I think a Metta one's nice. But I don't give a fuck, dude.


Who are you talking about?




Oh, you're talking about... I know who it is. His name is Morgan Jay.


Yeah, I like him. I've heard a comic, I don't want to say the name. I go like, what? Isn't it cheating? I go, no, it's brilliant.


Did you do it?


Yeah, you didn't do it.


So then shut the fuck up.


Dude, it's like, we're all going to die soon. Yeah. God willing, right? Let's just get through this.


No, I didn't see the show. I have no fucking hate towards Donald. I liked Atlanta a lot. I think he makes a lot of great shit. I don't understand the industry trying to pit them against each other. It's a weird thing to even put an article out, and then shame on Vanity Fair, suck a dick for fucking being like, who's more talented? I mean, get bent. It's fucking- Get a better writer, write better questions.


It's snooty bullshit, man. It's snooty bullshit. I'm going to get my fucking revenge.


Bobby's going to get his revenge on you. You'll see. Did you like the show? You liked it a lot? Loved it.


I'm still watching it, but it's really good.


I'm sure it is. They're both fucking extremely talented.


Are they assassins and they live together or whatever?


Yeah, but it's not more on the spy stuff. It's more like a release.


Did you see the original with Brad Pitt and April? Yeah, I did. You did? Yeah. You're saying that this version is better?


This is a TV show, right?


Or is it Haki? Or is it, Oh, we've been there, done that?


I love poppy. Be honest because you Your generation, you guys are shit when it comes to fucking film.


I was hanging out with a girl the other day, and I go, Would you watch movies? Yeah. She'll say, I like that Mr. And Mrs. Smith. I go, Well, you never saw the No. You haven't seen any Coen Brothers movie? Fargo. You know what I mean? No Country for Old Men. Raising Arizona, Blood Simple. Get your shit together, man. There's shit out there. Dude, De Palma, Scorsese, all those fucking legends. Do you ever see the French Connection? Never. Then go, Fuck Mr. And Mrs. Smith. What guy? That's not what I like. You're not allowed to even express your opinion because you don't know shit. You're a movie elitist.


No, I'm not a movie elitist. Yeah, you are.


You're saying you have to watch all these other good classic movies. Yeah, that's what I am saying.


No. Thank you. Basically, what you're saying is, I've seen everything, and you're going, You should watch Mr. And Mrs. Smith. Yeah.


Why can't you just enjoy a movie without like, Oh, I've seen better movies. I don't like it.


Because I don't trust your opinion. I also don't trust your opinion. I know exactly. The reason why you're upset right now is because you know I'm right. No.


That's that.


You're not right. I refuse to watch it.


Okay, fine. I'm just saying I like it.


All right? I'm sorry.


What is this? Tokyo Cafe offers jobs for people with disabilities to remotely operate robots that serve customers. I could be Tokyo.




If you want to go to a robot cafe, the robots are being operated by kids with disabilities. Yes, exactly.


Wow. It's a nice place for them.


The kids with disabilities are operating them remotely from their home?


I think they're in the back or something like that.


They hide them?


Yeah, they don't want them to be around.


They hide the kids with disabilities so you don't see. Why don't they just have the kids with disabilities work at the restaurant?


Or put the robot stuff on them.


Or make them in robot suits. Do you want more coffee? That's what I'm saying. Yeah.


It Because if they're acting natural, you're going, Oh, the mechanics is multifunctioning.


Employees are way staffed remotely operated by individuals with physical limitations or disabilities. It could just be somebody without legs.


Or maybe, see that robot over there? Maybe they're designed based on the person, so maybe the person in the back has no legs and stuff.Right.


There you go.Yeah.


That's interesting.


How do you talk to the manager? Let me talk to the manager. Like, I'm the manager.


It's Japan..


South Korean EA, FC Pro, found guilty of faking a low IQ to avoid mandatory military service. Now, this is fucking brilliant. This is brilliant. Say, I'm dumb so you don't have to go to war. Fucking genius. That's genius.


How do you feel about that? You're in BTS. You're killing it. Millions, millions. Then you got to do two years in the army.


I think they should have some exemptions. If you're BTS, you don't get a fucking- No, they have to go.


They say there are some exceptions for like...


Do they have to go?




Sports, but not the biggest pop group of all time.


Wait, is Son from Korea. I don't know. Tottenham. Did he ever do two or years? I think he did.


I don't know. Tens of thousands of young South Koreans are drafted each year to perform their duty, but athletes and artists can get exemptions if they're seen. So artists, so I guarantee you the BTS doesn't have to do it. No, they're doing it.


They are doing They're doing it because they want to because it can help their image.


They obviously could get an exemption.


But if you don't do it, you can get an exemption, but they'll probably shame you.


100%. I think we should do this in America. We should make you serve.


Well, Elvis did. They made Muhammad... Remember Ali got his fucking Championship fucking torn away from him because of that.


He wouldn't go. Elvis served.


He did. But Ali didn't, and then he got fucking fucked for it. Muhammad Ali, Kashia's Clay.


Do you know what? Thank you. I didn't know who Mohamed Ali. I knew Kashia's, yeah. Anyway.


Tobi Keith died.


You didn't know that? Tobi Keith is dead? Yeah. The music artist. Yeah. He'll put a boot in your ass. Yeah, 62. It's the American way. Wait, he fucking... How did he die? Do you know this? Stomac cancer. He just died, I think, today. Holy shit. Really?


I don't know who Tobi Keith is.


He was a famous country music artist. He died? Oh, my God. He was so young. He died of stomach cancer. Oh, no.


I don't care.


Dude. Jesus. What do you mean you don't care?


American icon, dude.


I don't like country singers.


Who cares? They don't like you. What?


It's an insane thing. I don't like them. He's dead, dude.


May you relapse and die.


That's insane. It's not that crazy. Based on what you said. I have 30 days tomorrow.






I've never been noticed by when I go public, and I guess the podcast is getting really popular.


Wait, wait.


What's tough to stop. You've been noticed before? What are you talking about?


What are you talking about? Barely. Then now, it's like every I go out, someone like, knows me. Then at work- When?


When did it start?


December. Every time I go out, someone knows me. Then at work, the chair of the cinema When the television department knows me.


What did she say?


He was like, Oh, you're from that podcast. What did you say? I was like, Oh, yeah. Then he kept asking like, Oh, how's the podcast been? How are you? How's Bobby? And Andrew was like, They're okay. But then my manager found out about it, and then she was like, Oh, you're in a podcast? I was like, Yeah. Then she was like, Oh, what's the name? I said, No, you don't have to know it.


Trust Tuesday. Just say Trust Tuesday.


Because I don't think she'll like it.


Yeah, don't let anybody know. Don't be...




No, don't let anybody know. Be ashamed. But it's my manager. Be ashamed.


We've talked about sex, anal, I don't think she'll like it.


How do you know her? What if she loves it?


No, I know her. She's...


I don't... Don't say anything now because she's listening now. Do you like her?


I like her. Or is she a bitch? I like her. I'm just scared of her.


Yeah, you do great work on the show.




No, they do. They love her.


You do good work on the show.


Yeah. Let me say something. No, you're great. There's a new sheriff in town, though. There's a new sheriff in town, and it's called the Goop.


The Goop is taking over. In fact, we should have you and the Goop together.


Yes, I think you and the Goop together will be good. Because the Goop- Detsky? No. No, there's a new sheriff in town. Sheriff in town.


The Goop. And he's got water guns.


Obviously, you don't listen to the show, then.


Yeah, clearly.


Well, this week's episode, listen to it. The Goop.


The Goop is the best.


He's the best.


Wait till you see this guy. You wait till see this guy. I'm in love with him. The way that people love you, we love The Goop. I will say this, all joking aside. I do love you, Jules. I think it's It's wild to think how much we've watched you grow and grown up with you. It's fucking crazy. It really moves me sometimes to think you're family to me. I love you. It's crazy.


Were you used to hit him.




Not scared.


She was scared.


Are you afraid?


And you. I used to be so scared of you. When? And I wouldn't talk to you. When?


All the time.


Still now? No, before. We're family now.


You love me now. When I first moved, you were scared of me.


I know, you were pretty scared of me.


You She never hated us. She was scared because we're-We're not scared anymore.




Yeah, you feel great. But you know what made me think how beautiful it is, what this family means to me and the fans truly, when we go on on the road? It's great. Is I think, what a weird world and time we're living in. When we started this show during the pandemic after your dad died. This little fucking brownie came into the studio to stop you from going to get COVID. The whole goal was keep Bobby away from 7/11, from From ride aid.


She came as my chaperone.


She was your chaperone, a child.


We were going to have her on.


No, we didn't want to put her on.


Then once she showed up, how was she on? You asked her?


Well, we started talking to her because she was in the room. All right. Gave her a microphone. Then to think you were guarding Bobby from getting COVID. Now, you've had it five times.


Five or six, yeah. I might do my lower back. Oh, my God, it's terrible right now.


Not only have you had it five or six times, you've had it so many times, so frequently. You don't even fucking give a shit anymore. I don't care about it. Lower back. Wow. How we've grown.


Anyway, guys, thanks for listening. Thank you for being a bad friend..