Hey, bad friends, we're on the last leg of our tour, the greatest show on earth.

Sacramento and Long beach are totally sold out. Then we go to Windsor, Ontario, Canada. Niagara Falls. Niagara's sold out. Windsor, it's right there. About to sell out as well. So if you live in Windsor, come see us.

But come to Tucson, Arizona.

In Tucson.

And the final one, Las Vegas, Nevada.

Las Vegas. And that's about to sell out as well. So come out and see us@badfriendspod.com. Bad friends pod.com and also, bad news. Good news, good news. Good news.

Good news. Good news is this.

Good news is this.

We did a competition.

That's right, a shirt.

About what? A t shirt competition. I knew I was going to win. I always win. And I won. By how much?

1000 or so.

Yeah. Way more than you. So now what I get is a naked massage. Where you're going to massage naked? Yeah.

No, you get a regular massage.

No, we said naked.

We said naked.

We did say naked.

You, regular massage.

No, naked.

If you want to see me pay the piper and do my due diligence, go to patreon.com, bad friends to see the massage. Patreon.com bad friends.

Naked.

You're going to get what you want.

Okay.

Okay, pig.

You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

White dude and an asian dude. You two are disgusting.

You two are something.

We're bad friends.

Goop dog. Goopy. Goops. Goop dog. Hello.

Do a song for goop.

Goop. Goop. Goop. Goop.

Goop.

Goop.

Goop.

Goop, goop, goop. Drip, drip, drip, drip. Wiggle. Wiggle. Drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, block.

It's the goo.

I can't be.

Ladies and gentlemen, the goop dog is back in the studio.

You put the mic to your mouth. Goops.

This is a mic?

Yeah. I thought I was wearing the mic.

In your mouth.

Still near your mouth.

Okay. Everything's fine.

Yeah.

You seem more panicky today.

Yeah. Because I realized I can't be the goop anymore.

What do you mean?

Why?

I can't be the goop.

You don't like the nickname?

I love the nickname. But Gwyneth Paltrow is a goop, and I'm scared of.

We're two different goops.

Gwyneth Paltrow has her line of Cherry choo choo candles.

I don't.

I can't be the goop. I don't want this.

Relax. You're the. It's called goop. You're the Goop.

Andrew. We should give him the opportunity to make up his own nickname. Oh, no, let's just try. Let's see what it comes up. That goop. What would you like to be called?

I like the goop because I didn't have to think of it.

Yeah, I know. So can we stay with the goop?

Yeah. I do have a nickname, but it's already taken in the comedy community.

What is it called?

I don't want to be it, though. Okay.

Yeah. Can I say something?

Yeah.

This eyebrows. Thicker this time.

Yeah. You grew on.

Really? Yeah, it's a little thicker. Congratulations.

Thank you. It's unevened out. Balance.

No, it's uneven.

It's a little, it's still uneven. But what's the nickname in the comedy community that you're given?

Oh, I wasn't given in the comedy community, but I can't have my out of the comedy community nickname because it's Coco, and there's already a coco. Coco Diaz.

Joey Coco Diaz?

Yeah.

But he moved to Jersey, so you know what mean? You're. You're good.

Yeah.

Can you do an impression of Joey Diaz?

He's italian, right?

He is.

Hey, hey. That's all I have.

It's gritty.

Let him do.

Go gritty. Imagine this. You smoke a carton of cigarettes in 1 hour. Okay. And then all of a sudden, the spirit of JFK went into your throat.

Oh, wow. RFK.

RFK. My bad.

Robert Downey Jr. No, I'm dyslexic, but.

RFK, who that is, he's married to Cheryl Hines, but go deeper. Isn't he trying to be fucking president, this guy?

Yeah, I'm doing a benefit show. I'm doing a benefit show for him.

I'm Cheryl Hines.

Oh, I can't kid around anymore.

I'm doing a benefit. Let's move on.

I know. Wait, let's bring up the lineup of who's on the benefit show for RFK.

Are you goop?

Yeah. Rudy. That's the goop dog right there. You thought he'd be asian. He did seem asian, yeah. Shout out to the benefit for RFK. Cheryl Hines, Tim Dillon, Rob Schneider, Bobby Lee, Dustin Yabara and Mike Binder.

Yeah, Mike Binder.

I got to say something about this lineup. It's all star. This is star studded.

Fuck you, dude.

This is star studded.

That's Chelsea Handler.

It's not Chelsea handler. Cheryl Hines.

Hines.

Budy, can I just say, may I defend myself real quick?

Why? I'm just teasing.

No, you can tease all you want. All right, that's why I'm here. All right, but may I defend myself a little? RFK. Cheryl Hines. They call me together.

Hey, will you mind doing a benefit?

Yeah, yeah, we'll talk to Cheryl.

Is that a disability? We shouldn't be making fun.

It's just. I don't know.

What, is he dying from that? No. If he's dying from it, I can't make fun of it if he's not dying from it.

Anyway, Cheryl gets on the phone and she. Can you do us a favor and please do this better? I can't say no to her.

You could. Spasmodic dysphoria around 1996. One symptom of the rare neurological disorder is a raspy voice. No cure. Patients can undergo surgery. It's not going to kill him.

Fine.

Not fine. That's his red hair.

We can make fun of him.

That's his red hair. You know what I mean? Yeah, he's fine.

That's his korean eyes. I love my korean eyes. And if you have korean eyes out there, I don't. If you have korean eyes out there.

Be proud, sleepy little boy. Know who called me today?

What?

Your mom.

Why?

I swear to God, your mom called me. I'll even prove it to you.

No, I believe you.

She rung me up.

What'd she say?

Just wanted a fucking link.

That's weird.

You know what she said to me?

What?

Andrew, you're my sneaky link. She called me sneaky link?

Yeah.

You know what a sneaky link is?

You.

That I'm a side piece.

No, that's not what it means.

Sneaky link.

No.

Sneaky link. She called me that.

No, you're a problem solver.

Sneaky link is a slang term that refers to a secret or discreet meeting between two people who are romantically interested in each other.

She called.

She called me sneaky link.

No.

Or she said, get a drinky drink. I couldn't really make out, but I think she called me a sneaky link, I swear. Oh, that's what she.

Yeah.

Okay. Welcome also to the show. The goop is back. And also our beloved Rudy. Jules. Rudy. Jules, Rudy, Jules. Looking nice in her teddy.

What do you think of the goop so far? So far?

I like his energy. It's, like, calming and chill.

What color is his energy?

Yeah.

Orange, for some reason.

What color did you want to say? Pink.

You're red.

I'm red, he's orange. What's Bob?

Yellow.

You can't. Yes. So racist.

You're right. You know what your energy is?

Shit brown. Poop.

Purple. I had explosive diarrhea before.

Okay, coming here. End scene.

Did you really have an upset stomach?

Yeah.

What's been going on? What did you eat?

I ordered coffee, but I forgot to order almond milk. I got whole milk.

Oh, you're lactose like I am. Yeah.

Is everybody lactose now? It's like a thing that's going around.

What do you mean?

I feel like a lot of people are lactose intolerant now. Did you put on perfume this morning?

Yeah. You smell it?

Yeah, I can smell it from here.

What is that?

It's Titu Bobby's perfume.

I asked.

For your date. You took.

I asked for it on my birthday.

What was it?

The rouge.

Bach.

Oh, that one? Yeah.

What is it?

I don't know.

Rouge. Bakaman.

Yeah. Rouge. Bakaman.

Rouge. Bakaman.

And you took the notebook, too?

No, I forgot to get it.

All right.

Yeah.

Anyway, goop, how's the response been since the last time you were on our show?

Oh, my God. 800,000 people saw that episode. I don't even know. 800,000 people. Overwhelming.

No one does.

Do you think we know all of that?

Yeah, you guys are.

800,000 people saw it, but even more people heard it.

Whoa.

A lot of people listened to it.

Yeah. I haven't gotten that much love, and I didn't know there was that much love in the world for me. It was incredible.

You deserve it. Don't you feel good about it? What are you going to do with your newfound fame?

I bought tickets to Adele's final performance June 15.

You did?

That's her final performance in Las Vegas.

I'm not going to Germany.

Right?

You can't make me.

She lives in Germany.

No, she announced a Germany resident.

Okay.

She's going to spend a whole, like, a year doing shows just for.

Huh? Yeah.

Which sounds kind of.

Who's opening? Kanye.

You like that joke?

I do. Yeah.

You like those jokes? I got the goop and then you bought Esther something.

No.

Yeah, we're going to see Madonna.

You got her the tickets?

Yeah.

What? Second row, I heard.

No, it's a perfect view because she has many stages. So we're going to be after all the stages in the first row. So she has, like, four stages. She has many four stages.

And you're in first row in all the.

We're. We're in a comfortable distance. There's two catwalks and then another catwalk in the middle and then there's, like, a little break. I want to make sure she could see so there's a little break in the middle. And then there's me and Esther and Emily.

Who's Emily?

From the comedy R Emily.

Wow. I have a feeling when this song comes up, you're going to get up and you're going to jiggle your little body.

There's no Madonna song that'll make me.

Jiggle my body like a virgin.

No. I think my favorite song would be probably frozen or I like Miley's cover of like a prayer.

Just like a prayer is like the prayer. Like, you kneel down to suck the dick.

Yeah.

That's what it's about. Is it really?

Yes, it's about giving head. Like a prayer is about giving head. That's why people were mad about, oh, and then the music video is with, like, a black Jesus. Right? Remember that? People got really mad about that. That's before your time. But in the music video, people were upset. She's like, kneeling in front of a black Jesus. It's about, and I say black Jesus. I should just say Jesus because that's what color he was.

That's hot.

Yeah. And she was sucking him. Well, he was fucking.

What's on his face?

He's crying. That's tears.

Okay.

It looks like goop.

Well, yeah, it looks like goop.

You're there, but he's half wooden. He's like wooden turns into.

It's like goop nut on his face.

No, it's goop nut.

No, goop nut.

Goop dog. What do you think about Rudy? Do you know about Rudy on this show?

I thought she was going to walk in and then she was going to be like, stop being a little bitch. But she.

Yeah.

Do you have any advice to give to goop Rudy?

Not really. He seems so cute. I just don't like, squish him.

Squish him.

Go ahead and squish him.

A squish. Mellow.

Yeah, you're allowed to squish him. It's in his contract that he's allowed to get squished.

Whoa.

Yeah, it is, dude, you signed it.

Polly squished me. And he also said that he watched the episode and said it was like watching an episode of Love on the spectrum, and then I watched love on the spectrum, and he's not wrong. Yeah.

Let me say something. You got to be careful with that guy.

Why?

With Polly? Yeah, why?

Just be careful, dude.

Oh, you're saying. Right. Yeah, you got to be careful. You in particular.

You'll get scratches. Hey, scratch, do you like scratches?

I got blue. Blue what? Blue balls, scratch. No.

Have you ever had blue balls scoop?

No, but I will call 911. I know that they're not supposed to be blue.

They don't physically turn blue.

Yeah.

Is it?

Oh, yeah. Then why do they call that?

They don't turn eyes blue? What are you talking about?

It just means when you have, like, backup of semen and you get close to ejaculating, then you don't and the buildup causes pain and discomfort. Yeah, they call it blue balls.

Have you had that? Have you ever had pain and discomfort in your nutsack?

I have pain and discomfort everywhere sometimes. Yeah. You have blue shoulders, then I have pain in my chest and I have a tingly feeling in my arm.

Wait, which one?

And then the left one is a stroke. Yeah.

I just ignore it.

Yeah. No, we got to go to the hospital.

It has to be three days in a row.

Oh, you googled it.

What?

Fucking.

No, it doesn't. One in a row is if you feel something. If your chest feels heavy and your arm goes numb, you're having a heart attack.

I thought it meant you're in love. Yeah, that tingly feeling in your chest. And then you're going to be in love.

Yeah, well, you're going to be in love with the afterlife, if you can. Goop dog. Do you really get tingles in your arms?

Yeah, but they blame anxiety with. Now you're either having an anxiety attack or a heart attack. And there's really no difference.

There's a huge difference. Really? Yeah, massive, massive difference. One is from the skull brain and the other one is your heart stopping. So totally different things. One of them is your brain going, I'm afraid of the world.

Yeah.

And the other one is your heart.

Being like, no, they send the same signals. They do feel the same.

No, they don't. I've had panic attacks. They don't feel like a heart attack. No, and I hope you do not. Have you had a heart attack before?

No, but my dad actually had a heart attack. And also, I forgot to say he has up the butt cancer, so he had many things that he died from, not just Covid and heart condition.

We'll approach up the butt cancer in a second.

Why do you say up? You just mean did he have rectal cancer?

I think prostate?

Yeah.

There's a lot of them that's up.

The butt if you ask me.

Yeah. Have you ever felt your prostate, coop?

No, but I know that they say that you have to do it. But I'm only 27, so maybe when I turn 37.

Have you ever put anything in your butt at all.

No.

Okay. Obviously.

Look at me right now.

Okay.

Look at me right now, dude.

Okay.

I'm not judging.

Okay.

I love you.

I love you, too.

And I love you to be honest with me, okay. We're friends.

Okay.

And I'm going to ask you a direct question, okay. And I would love you to be completely honest with me.

Okay.

Have you ever had anything up your butt?

No, dude. Did I pass?

I think he passes, dude.

Put both of your arms up in the air.

I can't have jiggly's?

No. Put them both like this.

Okay.

All right, ready?

Yeah. Will you look at me again? Hello? Have you ever had anything up your butt?

No.

Okay, that's great.

No, you're not supposed to do this.

Have you ever touched your own butt? When you like your fun for fun?

The hello from the other side? Yeah, I do like Adele, but hello from the. I'm scared of my own body.

Why are you scared of your own body?

I'm not like other people is a.

Hello from the other side?

Yeah, that's Adele.

Adele sucks. Is like anal sex. Hello from the other side.

That's what the song was about.

I bet that. Or bad reception or ghosting. I don't know. It's her weakest song, actually. I can't believe it's a hit.

You don't like hello from the other.

No.

Well, let's pull up the lyrics to hello from the other side and I want to see what your biggest beef is with. And listen up, Adele, because she's a big fan of the show.

Hello, it's me. Right?

Hello?

Who did that?

Was that Carlos?

Like to meet to go over everything. They say that I'm supposed to heal you, but I ain't done much healing.

Hello?

You sing the next line.

The fact that you don't like this song boggles my mind. It's such a beautiful.

You get the next line. Go ahead.

Hello? Can you hear me? That one?

Yeah, buddy.

Can you hear me?

No, thank you. Hello?

You know, the. How it goes.

Can you hear me?

I'm in California.

All right, don't let him do it. So, you know, go ahead and go. We're recording.

I'm going to lip sync.

No. Hello? Come on. Goop.

Hello? No. See, if I could sing, I would be singing.

You want to get a stab, Jules?

Okay, yeah, she can do it.

Hello, can you hear me? I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be.

See, she gave it a shot.

She gave it a shot, people.

It sounds nothing like.

Turning down.

Okay, yeah, give it a second. Give it a hard.

You've got it.

Just repeat after me then.

Yeah.

Hello, can you hear me?

Can you hear me?

I'm in California dreaming I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be.

About who we used to be this is Bobby's version.

That's very good.

We were younger when we were younger it sounds like a country and free.

I've forgotten how it felt I forgotten.

How it felt before the world fell at our feet before oh, this is a pretty song.

So you like it now?

No.

Okay, look, she had an incredible record, and for this to be the first single off her new record, it was a bit of a letdown because all her singles from the previous album was better than this. But I like the second single off this album, judgy.

You can't even sing it and you're judging.

Hello.

No more singing. Do you know what a couch quarterback is? Have you ever heard that phrase?

If it's anything like this, it's probably not very.

A couch quarterback is someone who at their house criticizes, like, NFL players if they could do it, and they're so indignant about it. So you criticize Adele putting out that single, but you can't sing.

I can't sing. I really can't sing.

So you got to give it props. It's a great fucking song.

Okay.

And it's a banger single. Why not?

It's a good intro.

So you think if you managed Adele's career, you would have put out a different single from that album?

I think after being gone for that long, maybe that was a good choice, but it's not her best.

It's a reintroduction.

Yeah, it is a reintroduction.

Yeah.

Okay, you guys win.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you. I'd like to give you a gift. McCone, give him a gift because I feel like it's a midway point right now of his comfortability on the show. We're almost comfortable.

Oh, my God.

Got you some chippies, bud.

Well, thank you. I just had a big dinner yesterday. I had the lace barbecue, which is a classic, but maybe I could.

You don't have to hold it like a baby.

I like to hold burritos and babies.

I would trust you more with a bag of Doritos than a baby, for sure. That looks like you care more about that. These aren't Doritos. You don't like this? This is just restaurant style tortilla chip.

It's a good starter chip. It's a good startup chip.

Do you want a baby. Look at me right now. Do you want a baby, babe?

I love babies, but I hate children.

Exactly.

So you could steal a baby, raise it, and then when it becomes a kid, give it away again.

That's true. I mean, I really do want to pet.

I'm Shoshonia. I'm your wife.

I like that. That's a pretty name.

Let's do a scene.

Okay.

All right.

And I'm your bigoted neighbor.

Yeah. Oh, Greg. Greg.

Shoshonia.

Look what I got.

I don't see it.

It's not. Wait. Let's teach him the rules of improv.

Was improv. He didn't see what you had. You had to explain it.

No, but he's supposed to add information and tell me what it is.

No, but he just said, I don't see it.

You can't hold the baby like this.

It's not a baby. Okay, I'll give you the ultrasound.

Oh, shit. Okay.

Greg.

Hello.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Look what I got.

Whoa. Where do you get that from?

Well, I was feeling a little nauseated and I went to the doctor and my doctor thought that maybe I was pregnant, and I got an ultrasound and here we go.

Whoa.

We're having a baby?

No way. I was going to say we should have a dog, but I guess we're having an armenian baby, and it's furry and it's cute, so it's like the best of both worlds. Are you having a baby or are we having a baby?

No, I mean, you came inside me, remember? What do you mean? Okay, you were there.

But that doesn't answer the question if you're going to have it, or if we're going to have it together in the missionary, in the military.

Remember? You were looking at me, right?

Yeah.

Just say what you were said. You said, I'm about to come.

I'm about to goop.

Right inside me.

Okay.

And that's what.

Look. Whoa. Is it a girl baby or a boy baby?

It's a.

Okay, okay.

The sex scene between you guys is just like the one in Forrest Gump with him and Jenny.

They had sex in Forrest Gump?

In my mind, that is the exact same.

Yeah. Like, how many pumps do you think? Two?

Not even.

He stuck it in and came. Slip, bro. Yeah, slip bra. Because he had waited all his life.

Whole life.

Yeah. Manscape 2024 is here in full swing, and that means it's time for a New Year's resolution check in with our friend at Manscape.

Newsflash, Bob. It's never too late to level up your grooming game and keep your bush tamed. Baby minds. You know what? I trimmed my the other day.

I love when you do it.

Collected the hairs. I saved them for you in a little ziploc bag.

I love when you do that.

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You do?

Yeah.

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Let me say something to. Okay, okay. We're family.

Whoa.

No, don't wallet.

Okay.

Never wallet.

That should feel nice. You don't have anymore.

Yeah. I drove by forest lawn on my way here and I thought of Carlos.

Why?

Because I passed by all my family members.

Yeah.

Oh, they're all at forest lawn?

Yeah.

How many do you think?

I think there's four buried together and then two buried together and then two buried somewhere else, and then I might be missing a few with the two.

That'S buried somewhere else on forest lawn. How come they get not closer to the.

We have prime real estate at forest lawn. Yeah, we have some great spots.

Are you forest lawn burbank or forest lawn Glendale.

The one that's on the way here.

Do you bring flowers?

I actually don't visit people because it's kind of like, what's the point? But if I do go, I would, but I'm not going to go.

You've never been? I go visit from the funeral.

Every time someone dies, we kind of see the other. A and I don't drive.

I can't eat, for one.

Yeah.

Do you cry at funerals? Be honest.

At funerals? Yeah, it depends.

Rudy, when's the last time you cried?

Yeah, I think last week, but also I don't cry a lot, so I forced myself to cry.

What did you cry about last week?

Last week it was like because I tried to force myself to cry, so I read, like, negative comments.

What?

On the Internet about you.

That's how I cry.

Why do you do that?

Yeah. Well, don't look at negative comments because.

Then I can't cry.

You don't need to cry.

Does it hurt your feelings when you read negative comments?

Sometimes, yeah.

What's the meanest thing that you've read?

It's mostly just, oh, she's.

No, they said I look like a giant blueberry.

That's cute.

Yeah.

That is true, though.

Bring up the picture. Bring up the picture of Violet from Willy Wonk.

That's what I pictured funny. Somebody's got a little painting, very happy.

Of your face with that.

Very funny.

It's very funny.

Can a great artist please paint the goop as.

That's our shirt.

Violet.

That's our goop shirt. Yeah.

You're turning goop.

Goop.

Wait, goop? How old are you?

No, I'm 27.

He said that? He said he's been 27 for over a decade.

You don't know.

He looks like 20.

Whoa, whoa.

See the fuck? He does.

No, he does not. Yeah, he does not.

I feel like connection.

Yeah, because.

Go ahead.

I was in special ed classes, that's why. But there was this one special day where they were enrolling people in honors programs, and I asked my teacher if I could be in honors programs. So she wrote a recommendation, and they sent me to honors classes, and they sent me back the same day, back to special ed. But in public schools, you have the choice of choosing.

Sometimes you would be so hard to teach.

I'm a good listener.

I would get nothing done teaching him.

I would give up first day.

I would want to just chat with him.

Yeah. So somebody said, you have to go to special ed.

I wasn't in special ed.

Why?

I have a learning disability. Which is what I think it was a mixture of, I just can't learn.

Yeah, but you're.

It's hard, but you're intelligent.

You can't learn anything.

You're intelligent, though. Yeah, I can tell that you're intelligent. So what do you mean? You just didn't absorb school shit?

Yeah, there was too much going on.

Do you independently learn stuff on your own? Are you a reader?

Yeah, I guess.

Right here, check this out. Here we go. I think you're undermining yourself, and I think that you have information, common knowledge that we all know. And I'm going to ask you some questions, and this is going to prove a yeah, okay. To your best of your ability. You know what I mean? Why did we attack Japan with the two bombs? Nagasaki and Hiroshimo. What led up to that?

Those were the bombs names.

Those are the two guys. Two guys?

The two cities that we bombed. Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

It sounds like. It's like the olympic celebration.

What led up to that, though? Here we go. Come on. Come on, goop.

I don't have Japan knowledge. I don't even know a japanese star. I don't know.

I think he's right.

Yeah, you could be right.

Give another historical common knowledge. Everyone would know.

I think that one was pretty easy.

Let's see what Rudy said.

How about.

Yeah, go ahead.

Pearl harbor.

Yeah, exactly.

Pearl harbor.

Do you know what Pearl harbor was? Yeah, that movie.

Right? Matt Damon. Yeah.

And it's Private Ryan's or something.

Fictional harbor.

No, no. It was about Matt Damon. That war was started over the civil war. By the way, two goop chuckles for me. I got goop dog. The civil war. Yeah. Was between the who and the who. The what and the what?

The Indians and the cowboys problem.

You better believe it.

You better believe it.

The Indians and the cows.

You see the Indians and the cowboys. Yeah.

And being civil, whose team would you have been on? I would have to be the cowboys because I can't pull off skirts and feathers.

And you wouldn't look good.

I have my mother's legs. But still.

Yeah. I mean, you would look good with those two, like, little gut holsters.

Yeah.

You would look good with that. And with the bullets over your.

I'm wearing know.

Yeah. That's what they all wore.

Yeah.

Rudy, I want to know for a second about how life is going, because we're getting a little worried about you.

Well, my visa expires.

I know what's going on, so I.

Have to go back.

Shit. When?

June.

Can we help this?

We got to help this.

How do we do?

Can we write a letter to somebody?

No, I can just renew it.

But you have to go home before you renew it.

Yeah.

You can't do it here.

No.

Right.

So what if you go home and they don't let you back?

I know. That's why I'm scared.

Because they can do that. They can deny it.

We have to do something.

I know. I'll do whatever it takes.

Well, I mean, number one, she's a public figure, a personality on our show.

What if they hate my.

No. They could. Yeah, they could.

And I keep saying I hate white people.

Yeah.

Your visa, end date is in June. You have to go home. You have to schedule an appointment there and then they may or may not let you back.

Yeah.

Because I heard from my cousin, because he had a tourist visa when he was young, and it expired, and then he went to an interview, and they denied you.

But this is different, though. You're going to college.

You had a student visa.

Yeah, that's different than a. I know.

But the student visas run out when you're out of school. Ask this guy.

But you're still in school, right? How many more years?

I have one more year. They can't deny me, though.

No, they actually can. They definitely can.

What?

Well, because you're only allowed a visa for their. They don't give a fuck if you finish school or not. They're just saying you have to finish it in this amount of time we've given you, and then you have to reapply. We might not let you back in.

Or you can get married. Your boy, he can come through, dude.

Yeah, but he's scared of his mom because his mom's really religious.

Wouldn't they want you to get married then, if they're very religious?

No, because she thinks we're still young.

You are.

Yeah, but you're Filipino. He's Filipino. Yeah, but you got that in common.

Would this be somebody you'd marry for real in the future?

Yeah.

Wow.

Holy shit.

So if he asked you to marry you right now, you'd say yes?

Not right now, no.

If he said, will you marry me? But down the road and give you like, what is it? A promise ring?

That's scary. But yeah.

Wow. She would do it.

It's incredible. Congratulations.

Thank you.

Love. Have you ever been in love before this?

No.

Have you ever been in love, coop?

No. Yeah, but not real people.

What have you been. What do you mean, not real? Otoman or imaginary love? Yeah.

Shakira.

Shakira.

Imaginary thing.

You've been in love with people that don't know you're in love with them?

Yeah.

Kind of like a stalker.

Like unrequited love.

Now. It was young.

Know what's young love that they don't know.

No. Young love is when two people are very young and they get infatuated with one another. That is a phrase. You were just young when you fell in love with.

Yeah, it's like the guy from Florida. The Bjork killer.

Yeah, the guy that. Yeah.

Bjork's dead.

No, he's not dead, but there was a guy who was so obsessed with Bjork. Okay, there's a real thing. You can still see his YouTube videos.

Yeah, he went to wicked, like, 24 times or so.

Back then. There was no Internet, I guess. So he went to.

Ricardo Lopez.

Yeah. Ricardo Lopez. This guy. So this guy. So scary. I know. So he went to a fucking.

I'm not going to say it, but that does.

What is he.

That doesn't not look like goop. No, that doesn't look like you. That doesn't look like you. No.

This is how scary this guy. So check this out. He goes to a. Know a bookstore and he goes to the magazine section and he sees that Bjork is in a photo with a black.

Wait, wait. Who's Bjork?

You don't know? Bjork is.

She's a girl. Right there, touching her mouth. She was a singer. She's still a singer.

She whispers.

She's very talented.

Yeah.

So Bjork took a photo with a black guy.

So then this mexican guy from Florida, the guy to the front, because that's the scariest thing I've ever seen in my fucking life. Right? He goes, ah, nah. And he says the n word a couple of times, and it's like, you're going to die. So you know what he did? He's just unbelievable, this story. So he decides to create a book. Okay? So he's going to go, I'm going to pretend I'm like some sort of literary company, and I'm going to propose Bjork with an idea of like a pop up book, an interactive book where you can press buttons and stuff.

That's right.

And in one of the buttons, a needle comes out with HIV.

What?

This was his plan.

That was his plan.

Oh, plan.

Yeah, but he didn't figure out how to get. I don't know how you get HIV. You know what I mean? I think that was a problem.

I think they sell it at Ralph.

And then he killed himself.

Yeah. You can tell right there.

Yeah.

No, but he was a lunatic.

Lunatic.

He put this on video, which was the craziest part.

His YouTube videos are still. His monologs is still online. Still online.

And I will not support that.

No, we're not going to watch it. But if you're at home.

Yeah, you can watch it.

You can watch it at home.

Yeah, but this was a big deal. It was like a big turning point because it's not like we hadn't had weird stalkers do crazy shit in the past. Yeah, we have. But this was something different. There was like a breaking point. Do you remember how it was like such a.

It was creepy and scary.

Scary? Yeah, for the first time it was scary instead of just gross.

Imagine you're living your life. You're singing, you're doing shows. Meanwhile.

My Japanese.

No, I mean, I'm sorry.

You're my Japanese. There it is.

Yeah. Get some aids over here. Mix it with this.

Put a button in some grocery store checklist. He's like, book aids. Got it. Needle. Got it.

Yeah. That's scary that there are things going on in the world.

But you don't stalk.

No.

Do you know where these people live?

That's their business. But I know when they're on tour and she's not.

You know where Miley Cyrus lives?

Yeah. I lived close by.

You know where she lives specifically?

Not anymore. Goof.

But you did goof.

What?

No. You don't.

I don't know.

Don't implicate yourself.

And if you did, you wouldn't do anything.

No.

Have you ever made fan art and delivered it to someone personally?

I promise you that's exactly what. Well, okay. Yeah, actually, that's what we did. It was funny.

Like, you delivered to their home.

Yeah, well, my brother kept bringing home people, and I'm like, what am I supposed to talk about with these people? I was much younger, so I brought out my crayons and my construction paper, and we all made cards for Miley Cyrus. And one of them was ESL, so he wrote, I love you, Montana. So we had a few drinks, and then we dropped off the cards.

How old were you? You had drinks in your coloring.

I was underage drinking.

Yeah, but how old are you?

Probably 2020.

And you went to her house?

No, it was fun. It was like a little prank thing.

You think she was pranked?

Yeah. She got three cards.

Yeah.

I imagine.

Yeah, she's like, call the cops.

No, he's like, you got me. You drew a broccoli from my.

Oh, that's funny. Oh, so funny drawings.

Yeah, I know. It was innocent. We're just kidding. I'm from a good place.

Yeah, really good place.

So when you do get deported, Rudy, do you think you'll miss us?

I think I'll miss you guys. I don't want to be deported.

I don't want it either.

But can I be honest with you?

You think I'm going to get deported?

Yes. But could I be honest?

Are you going to go quietly?

No.

Okay, good.

Put up a fight.

Yeah.

Good.

Rip everything.

Don't say it out loud, because it's going to happen.

No, I'm going to tell you how I feel, fuck face.

Oh, okay.

You came, what, junior year in high school.

Yeah.

You lived in my house and I saw you go through it. The trials and tribulations of life.

Yeah.

And honestly, I know. I. Sometimes I go, dad's here when I call. Yeah, I know you're not. I'm not your dad.

But it feels like it.

There's parts of me that do feel like it. That I did something to help you. I helped a lot.

Yeah.

And you'll never be able to repay me, but there's no way.

You don't know that. Maybe she's onto something.

But if you were not let back in, it would break my fucking heart. And that's why, as a bad friends company. Seven eggies. Whoever needs to get involved, we have to get write letters to the government. I know. Please.

I don't want to.

Not for us.

Oh, we'll make them do it. Yeah. Yes, we will have someone at the company write letters to the government.

Yeah. Honestly, your honest opinion. No, I want to hear it out of your mouth. Look her in the eyes and tell you how you feel about her.

How about this?

Yeah.

How about this? Do you know that I would do it for you?

I think so, yes.

Do what?

Anything. Whatever she wants. Anything she asked me, I would do it. She knows that when I call her sometimes and she goes, Tito, Andrew. It's always a question mark.

Me too.

Because she's always nervous. Why are you calling?

Yeah.

Because I should be texting.

So you have his number saved and.

He greets me happy birthday.

I do. And when I call you and we talk, you know that if you asked me for anything, would I give it to you or get it for you?

I think so.

Yeah, I would.

Same here.

I know you wanted me to fucking speak my piece.

I told just.

There's no one in this studio that I wouldn't do everything for. Other than Macon.

Yeah, me, too.

Other than Macon.

I fired you yesterday. Dude, what are you still doing here?

People do hate that your head is behind their heads. I have heard this. That people go, what is that fucking guy's head? Lingering behind the head?

Yeah.

Carlos. Fancy. Keeps him close. And, Carlos, by the way, we should give a little bit of credit if we're going to bounce around the bad. Family room is sober now for over a month. Over a month. Very good.

You look better. Thank you. Yeah.

You know what? It is honestly, beyond look better. I can tell that you're functioning at a higher level now. I can feel you feel better about stuff when we text at night and stuff. I can feel you're more like. What's the word? You're just more like involved and aware.

I also texted you. What did I text you? Give me cigarettes. No, not today. Not today. Not today. Not today. Last week. What did I say? You're doing great.

We're proud of you.

Thank you, man.

We're proud of all of our bad friends. And we mean that. And we don't want you to get deported. And we want you to stay around the goop for a long time. We're proud of all them. And fancy. We'll talk about it later.

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March 1 and second. I'm in Phoenix. I'm probably not going to be able to do that one.

What's going on in Phoenix?

I'm doing stand up live.

With who?

I'm just going to headline.

So you're going out to do weekends again?

Just one.

I'm not jealous. I'm just interested. Is this because we're prepping for something?

Can I be honest with you?

Well, that's what we're here for.

Okay. It wasn't even me wanting to do it.

Well, then you could say no.

No, but. I know, but it's like, you know who I'm talking about. Don't say her name. Yeah, right. She was insisting that you do it. Yeah. And I'm like, okay, I did it for her.

I get it.

Okay.

That being said, I will announce that I'm putting together ten club dates because I'm working on my hour.

Good.

I'm going to be going out.

Do you want to go?

I've already got it. We already have them. I'm not locked into all of them.

You're doing clubs?

I'm doing clubs. I'm doing clubs. Friday, two. Friday, two Saturday shows to work out my hour.

Yeah, that's what I'm doing.

Got a good amount of time.

That's great.

But are you going to film it?

Don't be that guy.

What's that guy?

Arrogant. What? You just said it was arrogant.

No, I just said, are you going to film it?

Did that seem like you know, I don't have the technology or the equipment to do that. All right? So don't be that guy right now. You don't have to record it. Shut the fuck up. You can just have someone.

Do you see what you're doing here? I'm asking you a simple question. Are you going to be filming an hour at the end of this run?

I'm doing one weekend.

I thought you were going to start doing shows on your own.

Yeah, I got one weekend. Yeah.

You've won in the books now.

That's it. Short run. The short run.

That is equivalent to the amount of running you would actually do. A little quick.

Know the honest truth is I prefer staying in town. I like doing his shows. I like being around my friends.

I like being in town.

Yeah, I do.

Is goop also a comedian?

He used to be.

He was. And he's going to get back into it at any moment. We can feel it.

Because you got to get ready for Long Beach.

I will die. I barely made it to here, buddy.

No, you have to do it.

You're going up on stage at Long beach.

No, it's not even that big of a deal. It's like 5000 people.

5000.

It's like a baby.

Way less than 800.

You're doing it too. You know that, right? Oh, yeah.

You're coming out.

You're coming out.

I can't do that one. Please.

Yeah, you do. Why can't you do it? Why can't you do it?

Because I'm one of these away from a heart attack.

No, you're not.

No.

Stop living in fear.

No mad friends has no room for fear.

It's next week. It's next week.

You have plenty of time. Plenty of time.

I literally almost died today. And I'm going to die tomorrow, too.

You're not going to die.

I'm going to die.

I promise. You don't have a choice.

Literally anyone after.

I need more time.

I need time.

Don't ever call us again.

I need time.

Can I share a video, too?

Yeah, please.

Go.

This is something I want you to be. Rudy texted to Carlos. This is something I want your judgment on, Bobby, because you're somebody that is into fighting. You love professional.

I love fighting.

And I want you to take a look at this fight here and tell me if this was a fair fight.

Yeah. So far, pretty good.

Pretty good fight.

Pretty good fight. So far.

It'S mostly kicks, which is strange. No one's thrown a punch. Well, not one punch has been thrown.

No shoulder shot. You can do a shoulder shot.

Yeah. No arm barring going on.

Wow.

No takedowns, I think takedowns, they'd have to pause it.

Yeah.

If you're just listening, we're watching a video, two men fight without any arms in the cage. And it is pretty remarkable.

It's remarkable.

And pretty good kicks going. And no head kicks, though.

Yeah.

Now, do you think you need an arm to get all the way up to? And you know what I would like. Wait, look who won. Look at this.

Ready?

And the winner is. Get your arms up there.

You know what I like to see? You know what I like to see the two leg guy fight. You know what I mean? A two arm guy.

I would rather see a fight with two guys without legs would be way doper to me.

Yeah, that'd be cool.

Just two guys, just big arms, no legs. Yeah, that'd be going at it.

Yeah.

Stump town. What's this video that you sent? What is this? Let's see what this is.

Yeah. Bobby, you're in the australian news.

We made the australian news.

Oh, wow. I'm in it. You sent this? I sent it.

No, let's see it.

Bobby Lee, who gets an instant reality checked when he claims that Korea didn't oppress people or have slavery.

But some societies, like Koreans, they might have a God complex, but they don't have a history of oppression oppressing another group of people. Each other. Right.

Are you out of your mind? What the. You don't think Asians had. They didn't oppress.

Koreans. Didn't have slaves. We didn't fly.

Did Koreans have slaves?

Yeah. Google that.

Yeah, because I think that's wrong. Docs laugh somebody built them pyramids.

It wasn't just somebody like pyramids.

Korea had the longest broken chain of slavery of any society in history spanning 1500 years off.

That's not what it says. My eyes are blurry.

Go.

I want to read it. All right, read it out loud.

I want to piece.

Get close.

All right.

Korea had the longest unbroken chain of slavery of any society in history.

Holy.

You guys are scumbags.

I just love that. He is not a lefty, by the way. I'm not sure where he is on the political spectrum, but that was hilarious. Now to a lefty. Losing it in lefty heartland.

This is weird. This is Sky News. It's not like Fox News, it's like Sky News, but she's doing lefties.

She's probably a lefty commentator. A righty commentator she must be.

But Sky News, I thought, was one of these kind of apolitical news things, right?

We made it onto the news in Australia.

I know.

Incredible.

Fucking rad.

Yeah.

Wait till we go down there and play those shows. Maybe we'll make the news again, mate. Yeah, and you made her laugh. Look at you.

She was laughing.

She's laughing at you.

Guess what? I make a lot of people laugh.

That's right, Goop. That's right, Goop. We make a lot of people laugh. What's this, Rudy?

And guess what? Next week in longpage, you're going to.

Make a lot of people laugh whether you like it or not.

That's way too sad.

Oh, God, Rudy, what is this? Is this a real ballute? Is this balut? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. God, I'm actually going to throw up because I can smell it from.

Yeah.

What is it? Playing with its brother. Is that another one in there? Oh, my God. So you'll just eat that? Yeah, I'm going to throw up. Turn it off.

Yeah, but I've been craving that.

You know what? That's why we'll deport.

You're deported.

You're getting deported?

Yeah.

You're 100% getting deported.

Wait, can I share? Also my other craving. It's like this dried fish. But how they do it is they ferment it as long as possible until you get worms out of it.

Till it gets infected?

Well, they say once you have the worms, it's like it takes out all the bacteria.

Maggots.

Yeah, maggots. And then you take out all the maggots and then you eat it and you put tomato sauce and everything.

You need the tomato sauce? Yeah, you definitely need the tomato sauce.

No, it's called tinabal.

Yeah, but you have to spell that.

T-T-I-N-A-B-A-L. Tina bal. But it smells like pussy. Like bad pussy.

All right. Okay, zoom on. Zoom in. Those aren't worms. On top of. That's probably something.

They take it out.

They take it out.

So this is post maggot removal?

Yeah.

Wow.

It looks okay.

No, it does not. No, it does not.

Good.

Okay.

That's what I've been craving, too.

So you really miss that and balut a lot. Dinner ball.

Well, when you get back there, are those your first two meals? Yeah.

That's so funny. That's like, I go back to Chicago and I just want italian beef, and she goes back, she gets maggots.

Bro, that italian beef, remember, you gave me that. The best. Dude, can I say something?

Yeah.

You've changed my life in so many different ways.

You've changed my life in so many ways.

No, but in terms of, like, foods, same. I'll tell you what. That italian beef, give me another one. That you've inspired me.

Well, you tell me. I don't know.

The eggs with the fucking baked beans.

Oh, my God.

Hello.

I know.

Goodbye.

Hello. And come on back.

Yeah, I'm all around.

I love it.

I love it, too.

You and me. You've introduced me to do new dishes in korean barbecue that I've never had before.

And you've introduced me to music. Warren Zevon.

Yeah.

Hello.

Hello.

Goodbye goodbye. Ain't coming back no not coming back.

Yeah, coming back.

What else? Dude, you've given me.

We've influenced each other in a wonderful, beautiful.

I love you so much.

You're my best friend.

I really do love you so much.

I love you more than I love anybody.

I'm doing the podcast with Adam Eagant. Fuck.

I knew this was leading up. I knew it was baiting.

I'm not. No, but you really know.

You changed my life. Who's changed your life? Goop.

Not Miley Cyrus. But in terms of, like, somebody in your life.

I think he was going to say Miley.

I know he was. Is there anybody in your life where you go, wow, that guy.

Really?

If I didn't meet that guy in.

The right time, a guy or girl changed my life.

Changed your life.

I like my brother.

Okay.

Did your brother change your life? Yeah. What has he done for you that really stood out?

He pushed me to go into improv and learn how to play nice with white people. And then that was the first step. And then I took.

You got to play nice with the white people.

Yeah, that's where I learned.

Yes.

And actually I failed improv. They made me take it again. I took one on one twice.

Look at what I got here. I'm Beyonce. What is this?

That's MRI.

It's an ultrasound.

Ultrasound.

Yeah. Well, the improv paid off.

Yeah. MRI, but no, that was very nice.

MRI, goop.

You say whites as if you don't appear to be a little white.

Yeah.

You look white.

Goop.

What? Thank you.

Well, it's not a compliment.

Yeah, but I'll take anything as a compliment.

Okay.

It's funny, that day that you did the podcast, you also sent me a photo, did you not?

Yeah.

Is that the goop dog?

That's the goop.

Okay, so by this photo, we can tell you're not 27. How that van is from the fucking late 80s. Early 90s.

Yeah.

This is really good. Zoom in on the license plate. I want to see the registration year. Oh, you know what that is?

What does it say?

I know what that says.

84.

84. So you were born in. In, what is it, 78 or 70?

How old is he? How old are you here?

Probably two.

He's about six years old there.

No, I'm practically standing.

Five.

Three or four. Three or four, yeah, give or take.

So, 1980, you were born. What a cute baby, man. Congratulations.

Still a cute guy, Greg.

Cute guy.

But now we found out you were born in 1980.

I'm trying to figure out if you guys think I'm younger or older than I am. I'm still doing the math.

You're 43.

Yeah. No.

Oh, my God. No. I'm getting the shit end of the stick.

So funny.

What is it?

I want you to watch this. So this is a guy named Charleston White, who is maybe one of the most prolific comedic Internet personalities I think I've ever seen in my life. And then the guy, unless, of course, is Cam Newton, who's a football player. Let's hear what he's got to say.

I have a list of names. Describe each person using the first word that comes to mind. Will Smith.

Gay.

Jada Pigett Smith. Fucked up bitch. How would you approach a woman like Brittany? You got to handle a rough. You got to be a dominant man to deal with.

Brittany.

Brittany Renner. When you say rough, you're not talking about domestic violence. Yeah.

Closet.

Take me down.

So what do you think about Charleston's answers? There is. Every relationship needs someone. One of the two people need to get they ass whooped.

Is this cat Williams's nephew?

No, this is Charleston White, baby. He is his own entity. Do you think in a relationship, there needs to be one person needs to get they ass whooped? How do you feel? How do you.

Not in a relationship that's willing if you guys are in it?

Were you ever hit as a kid?

I'll answer that.

Please.

Goob. Were you struck as a child? Did your dad hit you?

To be continued. Which is the camera?

They're all there.

To be continued.

Cameras.

Okay. Oh, you were there?

No, actually, that's a bad place. To be continued.

No, never were hit ever?

Not. No, they weren't abusive at all.

But they hit you.

I had a different growing up situation because anytime they were sick of one of the kids, like I mentioned before, I had three aunts and a grandmother living in one four apartments and then the house in the back. So they could just. Anytime they're sick of you, they just.

Push you another apartment.

Yeah, they play a game it translates loosely, the mother or whoever'sick of you will send you to someone else's house and they ask, do you have. It's called Dutbrachma.

Dutbrachma.

Yeah.

Which means, hold this child and do not let him go. And that's how they would get little breaks from us. So then they would just pretend to look for things and then just keep us occupied. But they wouldn't hit us. Just waste time.

I want to play Duke Brachma. Would you love to play Duke Brachma? Like, if you had a baby with your wife, you could Duke brockma, me.

You, or the baby to you.

You send them over to Bobby's and.

You think I would give you the baby to watch for a while just because.

No. I thought I get to your.

No, we're not going to play.

Then this.

Duke, it's a fun game.

This is emotional.

Yeah, it's terrible.

Duke brachma is bad.

It's bad. That's what I meant.

It sounds like a torture technique.

No, you just basically look at cabinets forever and wait for them to find an imaginary thing. And then when enough times has passed, then they grab any random thing in the house, say, oh, I found it. And then they send you back off to your parents.

Did you have an imaginary friend?

I did.

What's the imaginary?

Out of spite.

We talked about that, right? Didn't we?

Did we talk about that, Shakira?

Oh, no, she's not imaginary.

Yeah, she's real. Yeah.

No, I did have an imaginary friend, and I think that it basically had a span for one day because my parents had enough because I cried, because they sat on her and they said, this is too much.

But your parents sat on your imaginary friend?

Yeah, I just made a whole big thing.

That's abuse.

Your parents are pretty abusive at times. Yeah, emotionally. Emotionally, that's abuse.

What did your imaginary friend look like?

It was a girl. I was mad that day. I think I made her. On purpose.

Yeah. Human, though.

Yeah. I didn't know any other kinds.

Yeah.

No, but he means what did she look like?

Yeah. Did she have, like, a little horn? I mean, as an imaginary friend? Pretty much.

We only spent a day together. I wish I.

You don't remember her that well?

Yeah.

Not that good of a friend, then.

Not a great friend.

Imaginary acquaintance.

Yeah.

Okay. Where was your favorite hiding spot when you were a kid?

I would hide. Well, I would hide because I would have to poo, but I didn't want to poo, so I would hide behind a tree, and then just like poo there.

Yeah.

Okay. That's where you went to the bathroom.

I guess I regret.

Not really a hiding spot.

That's my hiding spot.

That's where you pooed. You don't hide where you poo.

That's what they kept saying to me.

That's the old friend, don't shit where.

You sleep, but you hide where you poo. I think that's a great hiding spot. Rudy, can I open my.

Wait, who gave you a present?

The goop.

The goop brought fancy a present. But not the two guys that put you on the show. Well, technically I book him. Speaking of the mic, first of all.

Technically, I book him.

Technically, you arrange his arrival.

Right?

We made the choice to put him on the show.

Sure.

So that gift is ours, whatever it is.

You know what? Now we get an extra hundred.

Okay.

On your shelves.

Happy to discuss. Yes.

No, that is actually it.

That's it?

No, that's more of.

What is it? What's the gift that you were given?

My God.

I did it. It's OJ's book. That's very sweet. Right.

We know.

No, yeah, that was from what he said at the end of the last podcast.

What do you say?

Well, because we blamed him for killing his whole family. Yeah, but you really didn't kill your family.

No.

You don't have a violent streak in you, do you? No.

Have you ever killed anything?

Not even.

Not a bug spider.

Well, see, I won't kill it, but if there is a bug that I don't want there, then what happens? I have to tell someone else to do it.

Come kill this, please. Yeah, but you live alone, so who's going to come kill it now?

Well, my dad used to live up there, so now I have no idea. I'm going to have to be up.

Maybe it's ghosts.

I hope so.

Oh, your dad's ghost.

You believe in ghosts, right?

I try not to. I think I have enough to believe in, honestly. Okay, yeah.

I would watch a show called Goops ghosts where he's a ghost hunter.

Oh, my God, be amazing.

You'd have to quietly eat chips while you're hunting, though. You don't want to scare the ghosts.

They'll find me for sure.

Put the chips down. Maybe.

No, it's been an hour of it.

It's an hour of you holding that.

So goop, you know what you're in for. You're coming to Long beach and you're doing this show.

No.

Yeah, go ahead and tell everyone thanks for being a bad friend.

Thank you. For being a bad smile.

You're the one that's getting naked.

You're getting naked too. That's what it. Oh, my God.

No, you're getting naked.

No, it said you too. What are you talking about? Dude, you're naked. No, you're naked too. It says both. We fucking made shield. You're a roll the paper naked.