Transcribe your podcast

You two are bad friends.


Who are these two idiots?


White dude and an asian dude.


You two are disgusting. You two are something.


We're bad friends.


It's back to the old days. It's the two.


You and I. I have some problems with you, my friend.


I got some problems with you, my friend.


And my problems with you is I love you too much.


I love you more than I could ever love anybody.


It's getting scary. You're in my dreams. You're my thoughts. You're my prayers. You're daydreams. You're in my mind.


Look who came back.


Pete. Johnny, whatever your name is.


Pete is back on the show. Let's give it up for Pete coming back to the show.


Get out of here.


So happy that Carlos is gone. And Pete, you brought us monster size slim gym. And this isn't a sponsor, plug. He just brought us beef jerky sticks for some reason. No, as a present. Because I miss you guys and I've long time. So you want us to die?


Where were you? Where were you, Bobby?


I just been busy.


Where were you?


I'm sorry, man. Did you need me?


You don't betray the family. You don't leave the clan. You don't leave the war.


Let's not call each other a clan. That's not good for me. Yeah, I know. Last time I said that online, people got real upset. I'm not in the clan. In any clan. Stop tagging me. We're just in the clan.


We're in KK.


We're in two k's. Yeah.


Only two k, not three.


Dude, we don't have the balls to.


Get to the clue clan.


We're not clucks.


We're not clucksing it right now, dude.


You and I aren't clucksers.


I've never clucked anybody.


I won't cluck.


But, Pete, where were you? Because let me say know in my heart, I have a list of names that's in my heart, that lives in my family, which is in my heart. And I'm telling you, you're off the.


List now I'm off the list? What happened? Sounds like it.


Because it got to the point where I was like, I don't even remember who that guy is. And when I came to this building. I'm getting really sad right now. Emotional. I go, what is that fat guy going, doing in here? He's not fat. Where's that thick guy?


Actually, Pete looks in the best shape. I think we've seen him in.


Yeah, you look great. I think he's just a bigger big bone. You're big boned.


I am good lifting weights. People don't have bigger bones.


They do. They actually do.


You look good. I saw your Borderlands trailer shout out to the borderlands.


Did you see it?


It came out. Yeah, I watched it.


Well, just a little snippet.


Yeah, it looks good.


Looks pretty good.


I think the movie is going to be rad. I think it's. I think you're going to be very surprised by the reception of Borderlands.


You think so?


I do. You know why?


How big is your character?


There's nothing like this.


You know, it's so funny that you do this.




No, him. It's so funny that you do this right now at this time, and in this age, in the time of our lives when we're feeling joy and we'rejoicing in our own lives. You have to put me down.


Yeah, you do.


And you have to put me in that fox hall. And you get down in there, you fucking rabbit.


I just saw Andrew in a movie, and he's like a protagonist.


It's so cool. Okay. He's comparing us. You know what? Here's the deal. I want to say something to you fancy. I saw you put up a picture of you with Matt Rife the other night, by the way, last night. And you did say I'm better looking. Yeah, I think you might be better looking than Matt rife.


You're laughing right now. Dude, you know how many people direct message me? Yeah. Beautiful women, too. So it depends on the context of where you see.


No, no, it's. Beauty is subjective is what you're trying to say.


I don't know what that word means, but I'm. There it is. Wow. Drops.


Eli Roth. Eli Roth put out a film with Bobby Lee. Who'd have thought?


One scene, two. No, but I have no lines in the other one. Yeah, my friend Charles is in town. He's from.


Jolly Oding. Exactly.


But anyway. What are you cackling at, Doug?


Jolly Odingle.


Welcome to London, England. Two, smoking bar. We do things a little bit differently here in England. Anyway, you know what we do differently? What do we do here?


Yes, Charles, over here in England, we.


Do everything wet anyway. Everything. I think I'm losing my accent. I think it's. Mine's turning more asian.


Yeah, yours turns something for some reason.


Anyway, have you been to big bench?


Have you seen the clock?


Have you ridden on the gems? Anyway, have you visited one of our pubs?


You've got to go get a shepherd.


Spy in a pub.


Yours is just a dog. I know, a dog with syndrome or something.


Well, no, it's in English from Essex. From Essex. It's a dog from Essex.


Oh, it is.


Anyway, I don't even know what I was talking about, dude.


We went borderlands.


Oh, yeah. So Charles calls me and he goes, hello. I go, hello. He goes, I'm in town from a couple weeks and I go, well, let's go have dinners. Well, come to the show. So he came to the show, we had dinner. You met him. And I'm sitting there, a beautiful bloke, beautiful, broke, just a thick, handsome, very delicious looking dude. I'm just going to do an english talk.


Good looking dude. I love black guys. I know, dude, if you're black with a british accent. Yeah, get my panties all in a bunch, man.


Dude, without him, when I was in Budapest shooting it, I wouldn't have survived that, dude.


Because he was your boy.


He was a guy that you guys.


Were going out all because dinners.


There's not a lot of guys that you can hang out on that movie.


What other guys are in it? Kevin Hart.


Some once.


Who else?


Why some when we're doing scenes every once I would see him because he was with like ten guys. Yeah.


He's like Jesus.


He's like Jesus. So I had Burger King with Jamie Lee Curtis one day.


What did she order?


Because I was with Penn, too.


From Penn and Teller?




Penn Gillette.


Penn Gillette's in it, man.


Was he doing magic the whole time? No, didn't do magic.


No, no magic, which sucks. Yeah, you're right. Like if you're hanging out with Paul McCartney. Yeah. Give me something.


Hit a lick once in a while.




Teller should have been involved. He'd have done the whole.


Well, then I told you what happened at the river.


Yeah, but tell me what Jamie Lee Curtis ordered at Burger King.


I don't know if they have it here, but if there they have an impossible burger.


Yeah, I think they do have it here.


Yeah. So they got impossible burgers. Fucking boo boo boo boo boo.


You want to taste some Budapest cows, don't you? That's real me. You're in Budapest, right?




Do you want to taste Budapest? You didn't eat meat there, did you?






I love the Budapest.


You love Budapest cows?


I love all their animals.


So what did you, quite frankly, from Burger King?


A hamburger? No, I think I tried to be impossible because they were saying it's like the real thing. What do we there is that's a Budapest cow. Yeah. And you know what you can do with the horns?


What can you do with the horns?


Hello. Have you ever seen a Budapest cow? They're delicious.


I don't know what it is about that british accent I'm doing, but it's a guy I see in my mind.


Yeah. You know what movie I saw the other day that I'm like, oh, this could be the greatest movie ever made. Sexy beast. I've seen it so many times. Great movie, right?


Great movie.


And Sir Ben Kingsley is exceptional in that movie.


You know what? You know what movie he's so good in that scares me and is so sad? The house of sand and fog.


Oh, yeah, I saw that, too. It's incredible.


So dark.


It's beautiful. Grading the dictator. But anyway, I have a couple of scenes with him, but my point is. Yeah. Just a little plug.


Here's the deal. You are very Hollywood. I know the joke on this show is. But you have so much more Hollywood stuff than me. Way more. Did I do a show the other night with Adam Sandler? The Sandman time. Did he ask about you?




Did he ask about you?




Did he ask about you? Yeah, he made a joke about you.


What'd he say?


Boy, Bobby up to.


That's a joke. Is that a joke?


He said something.


Yeah. Did he really, though? I don't think he did.


Yeah, he did.


Why would he.


Oh, you guys are doing as good.


There's no way you would have. Nice guy, though. What are we talking about?


Oh, yeah.


Let's go back to. Oh, yeah. The people in the movie. So, Charles, I hung out with him. Without him, I would have been so bored. Him and I went to sushi together. Him and I would do things together. But the whole time I was like, this guy's a very sexy black english guy. I really enjoy it.


He is a very sexy dude. What's his last name? Bring up a photo so the fans can swoon over him as well. Charles. What? In charge?




Charles Barra.


Barakoto. Barley Barakoto or Barra? Take it to my Piccadilly Square. Get off. Walk around for a little bit. No, that's not it. Was that some sort of english writer?


That's him.




Fourth picture. Fifth picture in. Right there.


That's him?


Yeah. Look at how good looking that fucking guy is. Jesus Christ. He's Shakazulu. He's Shakazulu. That's right.


I'm not saying that in a racist way, but. No, they did a showtime show about Shakazulu Zulu, right? And he's Shakazulu.


Say it.




Otherwise it does sound racist.


All right, so let me just get that over again.


Yeah, go. Stop pointing at him. More racist.


So anyway, he's doing a showtime show called Shakazulu.


This is the problem with biopics and stuff.


Yeah. Me and you, Morgan Freeman.


Who the fuck could you and I play? That's the problem.


Oh, my God. I could play Kim Jong un.


No, you don't look like him. Even with a lot of anything, you don't have enough similarities to him.


You just don't watch a smile. Watch.


He doesn't smile. So you're already. There it is. Now, that's actually kind of close now that I see it again.


Yeah. So I could get that. Do that. I could also do. Well, let me say this. If John Wayne can play him, I can play him.


John Wayne did a great job.


Genghis Khan did a great.


Looks like Genghis Khan put up John.


Wayne and Genghis Khan. I don't think you're right, dude.


He looks exactly like him.


Okay, should. That dude looks. That's like a white dude to Halloween, dude, that doesn't look. Know. He went to a really high end. Look at that. Dude.


Trick or treat, pilgrim.


There's just no way. Dude, go to the little thing with Genghis Khan on the little statue.


Yeah, right there.


Right there.


He looks exactly.


Let me try to do that, though.


That's pretty good. That's really good.


Yeah. So I could play him.


I'd like to have sex with all of you ladies.


You know what you call carrot top? Biopic.


Fuck you. That's so fucking annoying, dude. I knew you were going to go there. Something simple.


I love how angry you got. I just don't know a lot of redheaded people in history.


There's so many.


Okay, Annie.


Little Orphan Annie. I could play Ron Howard in the second coming of his life.


Oh, Ron Howard. That's right. My bad.


Or his daughter, Bryce Dallas Howard.


I could play her, but you could play that, too.


I would absolutely love to do a male rendition of Annie with me. With little curls and a dude. Absolutely love.


I wanted to do that, too.


I would love to do that.


Imagine me in it all the same. People are in it, but me, it's a hot knack. Life dancing around.


Oh, my God, with your little asian accent. Isha Harden life Isha Harden life follow.


Us steadily treated.


Maybe by the way, maybe we win nearby. And I fuck up the lyrics a little bit in the movie because that's what they would do.


And you know who would be? What was the old fuck?


Daddy Warbucks. Yeah.


You know who Daddy Warbucks would be? Fancy v. 100%. Oh, yeah. You are bad little kids. Come over here. Look at them. Come here, Annie. Give me the hug for the picture. Yeah, come on, Annie. Get close to Daddy Horbach. So she goes, daddy jar box.


Yeah. Well, what about. What was her name? She was the orphanage lady who plays Hannigan.


George, that fucking nerd?


Yeah. George Hannigan.


He would. And he song, by the way, hate kids.


Kids hating them.




She sings a song, right? Hates a kid all the time running around cabinets. Look at her. I think I would have loved that orphanage. I think you would have been. I think she would have had an attraction to me. Because she gets drunk. Look at how drunk she is.


Miss Hannigan would have been all about the little asian one.


I'm the only male.


Right. And you're asian?




Your name is Tokana?




Tokana shishi. Tokana shishi.




He's like, get it over here.




Come sit on his head against his lap.


Yeah. And then I would probably make her go.


No, don't do it.




Don't do it.


Do what?


Don't do it.


I was going to say, do you like asian gummy bears? And she's like, what are you talking about? Right. Leechy favor, right. And she's got, what? Let me try it, right? And then I'm going to go, yeah. Why can't I do it? I'm the kid.


Yeah. It's a kid and an adult.


Yeah, but she's Miss Hannigan. It's a scenario.


You're right.


How is that a bad thing? Now, if I was Miss Hannigan, I was saying that to a little person.


You know what it reminds me of? Reminds me when they do those porno ads for, like, Peter and Lois Griffin online. You ever seen that?




Where they like anime porn. Them. It's. See. You know. Pete's seen it.


Yeah. Hey, Andrew, you know when you get cornered by that aunt at a family gathering and you feel like you have to bend the know? The one who's asking, like, when are you going to get married?


Yeah, Susan, why are you asking?


How come we didn't go to college?


Well, because I'm stupid.


And for her, it's not really about to listen. It's not about listening. Or she's really there to judge you while you have to grin and bear it with your family member. You shouldn't feel like that when you're talking about your right, right.


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I hate phony baloney, dude.


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Shopify. You know guy.


Yeah, I call you guy. Yeah, you call me guy.


We have an online business. We use Shopify, and it's the best, okay, Shopify, what is it? Is the global commerce platform that helps you sell at every stage of your business.


So basically, we sell our merch using Shopify. They help us get you those shirts that you love so very much. The beanies, the hoodies, whatever. We're pushing out from the launch your online shop stage to the first real life store stage, all the way to the did we just hit a million order stage? Shopify is there to help you grow.


I mean, whether you're selling scented soaps or offering outdoor outfits, Shopify helps you sell everywhere from their all in one e commerce platform to their in person PoS system. Wherever and whatever you're selling, Shopify has got you covered.


So we sell merch on this. You can sell whatever. I don't care if it's something that you make from your home or if it's something that you're a big global platform, you're selling little tiny pieces of another machine. Shopify can help you do absolutely all that.


Sign up for a one dollars per month trial Badfriends. All lowercase.


That's go to badfriendsnow to grow your business no matter what stage you're in. slash bad friends. I want to bring up something detrimental to our family today. It's an unfortunate event. Andreas assaulted someone in public.


The other. I heard about it.


There was a fistfight at. Where were you? Chipotle.


Your new name is Andrea Zimmerman. Oh, and that lines up your new name, dude. So what happened?


Explain what happened at Chipotle.


These two ladies got into a fistfight just in front of me.


What, were they out of barbacoa or something? What was going on over there?


It was a doordash. Bigger lady tried.




What do you mean by making fun of their heritage?


What are you talking about?


Like, strong.


What do you mean strong?


Black people are strong now. Dude.


I didn't even think. How did you know they were black?


Right? You just assaulted a black person.


No, I said he assaulted someone at Chipotle.


No, you said earlier black.


No, I didn't.


Is she black?


No, she wasn't.


Oh, shit. I don't know why that was in my head then.


My God.


That's why I said, zimmerman, I know what's going on. It was not a black person.


She was Mexican.


And you assaulted a Mexican. I didn't assault anyone.


I was just top of fistfight, and I just got punched in the face.


He tried to break up two girls in a fistfight, and one of them knocked the glasses off his little bitch ass head. How funny is that?


Oh, my God.


Some latino chick smoked this fucking. She could tell you were spanish.


Got fridgey public afterwards.


You did? Yes. Wow.


Why did I think it was black?


I have no idea, man.


I need help. I need help.


I'm not the type of person.


Yeah, he wouldn't do that.


Yeah. And you got punched, and then did she say sorry?


No, he was trying to stop the fight, and they were like, get the fuck out of here.


Was it two Mexicans? Give me the description here.


The other one was black.


Not the one he hit, but there we go, though. Yeah, I know.




Yeah. And who won the fight? Really?


The black one?


I think it was pretty even.


It was even.


Oh, really?




The black one was 19, which is crazy.


How do you know? She said how old she was.




She said, I'm 1919. How did that come out?


Because the other one was like a grown ass woman, and she was just beating on the 19 year old, and.


The 19 year old girl said, I'm 19.


Yeah, I'm 19.




Were they arguing? They're both postmates drivers.


No, one was a worker at Chipotle.


And the other one's a postmate driver.


Oh, wait, what? You didn't say that. So, a woman that worked at Chipotle?


Yeah, she was just cleaning the.


Let me guess, the Mexican worked at Chipotle?




Wow, the tables have turned. Wow, the drama.


This girl is just cleaning the glass, and then this postmates person, like Bridgerton.


You know what? The white people aren't going to play. You know what I mean? Yeah.


It is kind of nice to see. There was a black girl, a mexican girl, and a spanish guy. No whites involved in this crime, right. Finally. Yeah, I feel good about this. So, wait, she's cleaning the glass, the.


Other person just walks and hits her?


She just hit her?




And then there was a lot of slur.


That's interesting.


Dude, wait a minute. But she just punched her and started calling her the n word for no reason.


So she brushed against her. The other guy said, hey, excuse me, and then she went berserks.




Punching and scratching.


Who said the n word? The black girl or the mexican girl? The black girl called the mexican girl the n word. Yes. Oh, that's kind of.


Oh, wow.




A little balance.


No. This is the equality that we wanted. This is equity and inclusion. Everyone gets to be a racial slur.


Were there other people around?




Okay, so I'm going to say something where you fucked up, okay.


No one else stopped it, by the way.


No one else. Do you know why they didn't stop it?


I'm not getting in the middle of that fight.


No, they want to watch it.


I know.


It's a free fight.


Free fight?


You don't stop a free fight.


Here at pay per view at Chipotle, we're watching two girls go at.




Never again.


So you don't stop.




What? Pete.


Any of them hot?


No. No? Pete.


Pervert. Pete. Sliding in.


Sliding in. Dude.


Hey, were any of them hot?




Hey, did you happen to jerk off to Atlanta or Andres? I don't know. It's relevant.


Don't you love street fights?


I love it, but let me tell you something. Hot women rarely are fighting. And if they are, it's not at a Chipotle. Yeah, okay.


It's like Coachella or something.


Yeah, exactly. They're fighting over wristbands. My boyfriend's back there.


Yeah, I sucked his dick first. Yeah, one of those.


We can all suck Wiz Khalifa's dick. Just get in line.


And when did they stop playing? When post Malone gets on stage. That's when they stopped fighting. Have you been to. Let me say it right.


Yeah, I got it.


Ever been to Coachella? Very good, thank you.


I went to, like, the fourth. Whatever. It was early on, years and years and years ago when I worked in the music industry and I was doing desk work and they got us tickets and back. They got us vip.


Who was playing? Dan. Remember? I love him.


He's good.


Yeah. I mean, seconds album was the best.


It was probably the best album he's ever made.




Who was playing? Who was playing? Who was playing? Who was playing? I want to say the closing night was the killers.


Oh, wow. I love that.


I think so. I think that's right. Do the killers. Coachella. I think that's who it was.


I've had one nightmare experience.


What, at a Coachella?


Yeah. I didn't actually go inside.


What year was that? What year was this?


It's probably three or four years, right before the pandemic.


Click on the image of the Coachella image.


Do you remember when I did this? Can I just tell you what. Okay, 2009.


2009. That sounds about right.


So, Kalila. Wow.


It was a long time ago.


Can you get us Coachella? Because I know CAA reps people from the festival, and they have connections, so I call CAA. Is there any way you guys are getting backstage? And Matt was just like, I mean, you're going to have to pay some. We'll get you a deal. But we don't just give out free. You know what I mean?


Yeah, they do. They absolutely do.


They do.


A hundred percent.


So I paid for. No. Okay.


So anyway, you're Bobby Lee.


I know.


I can't get Bobby Lee a couple of fucking tickets.


Yeah, but, no, but they wanted backstage, vip, everything. I think there was.


Who do you think they give those to?


Brad Pitt?


Brad Pitt's not fucking going over there.


Yeah, he's not going over there.


He's too busy. They give him to guys like Bobby Lee. C list celebrities. That's exactly who.


And when he says that, dude, and when he says that, there's no shame on my part.


That's who we are. We're c list celebrities, God damn it. That's who vip tickets are for. B listers don't want them because they're a little above it. And a listers.


It's me, Andrew. Vernon Troyer, the little Guy from Webster, you know what I mean? And we're all back there, dude.


Me and you and little people. That's all Little.


Anyway, I pay the thousands of dollars, right? And then the day Claudia makes some phone calls because I'm not going. And she comes to me and she goes, you have to go.


Your name is on the thing.


Or whatever your name is at the will call and they won't give it. I go, you think I'm going to drive 2 hours, 3 hours into the desert?


At least with traffic.


With traffic. And they please. So now I'm on the fucking ten. You did it driving. I drove all the way over there, went to the will call, got the tickets, drove back.


Dude, the power of pussy compels you.


Is that in Lord of the Rings? They should put that.


It is in the Bible. I think it's in corinthians, isn't Corinthians.


Power of pussy compels the power of pussy.


It does compel you. You drove to the desert if I was bleeding out, right?


No desert, you dead.


Yeah, see? Yeah, there it is.


I don't even hear their scenario. You're dead.


The power of pussy compels you.


The power of pussy compels you. Okay.


It's amazing.


Oh, the things I've done.


Drive to the desert. I know to turn around and drive back.


Well, it was also Jesus money compelled me. Because I'm like, oh, I'll lose all the money that I paid. Like if it was free, you don't care.


It was more about that poster.


You're right.


Yeah. Cut it out.


The things I've done for it. It's like as a kid, remember? I begged my mom because this Guy, Art Kimball was wearing Drakar.


Drakar Noir.


Yeah. And I smelled him. He bullied me, that guy.




Anyway, I'd go, where's he now? I have no idea.


Yeah, exactly.


Thank you.


We took care of it. He died.


So I remember going, well, can we get your car? You smear fight. You know what I mean? But I went and got it anyway, right? And then two years later. Because I know ladies liked it. Mommy, can I get cool water?


Cool water? David, off.


Right? David, off, right. I went and got cool water.


You wear a little curve for men. Do you ever work?


Yes. Every time a new one came out. And then even my 20. I was 25. I would call my mom. Mommy, could I get whatever I might be Abercrombie Woods.


I used to wear that.




Polo. I wore polo. Sport.


Yeah. And then it got funky. The smells like Masantel 33.




You don't like it?


What did you start wearing? Fancy. What did the kids wear in Spain?


I think polo was a big.


Are the. But that's because you're rich? Is that. Why do rich kids wear polo over there? No. What do the poor kids wear over there? Dirt.




Essence. Yeah. Pete, what did you smell like? As a cool water.


You're a cool water man, huh?


What do you wear now, Pete? Nothing. Yeah. You have children.


If anyone wants to give me a gift, get me golden goose. The tennis shoes I like has a smell called Venice, and they're always sold out of it. It smells so good. Give me a bottle.


Well, I'll tell you what. We tried to buy you yesterday, but it's sold out, and I'm fucking pissed about it. I tried really hard, you know?


I know what it is.


What? No. The apple glasses. No.


They're available. Damn it. Fuck.


We can get them. No, we tried to buy you the trump shoes. I tried super hard. I actually went offline and tried to.


Get them the gold ones. I was thinking about getting one.


I wanted you to get them. They're sold out. They're fucking.


I think they'd be worth something later.


They're worth something now.


I know, but I did, like, 45.


My guy. Look at that. Trump promotes $400 sneakers after $450,000,000 penalty and fraud case. Hey, man, you got to make it back somehow.


And did it. Sold out.


Well, he only made 1000 pairs of the gold ones, and then the other ones are. Now go to, I think is what the website is or whatever.


Can you get me some?


I tried. Oh, I'm trying to get you some trump sneakers. If any fans out there have the plug for the t sneaks, we're looking for them big time, dude. Get Trump sneakers or something like that is the get Trump sneakers or some shit. I mean, it's just they're so cool looking.


Even those digital cars, he was selling them a couple years ago, I was like, I should have got some of those.


I know. What are we thinking? Look at that. Sold out. Official President Trump sneakers.


Sold the fuck out, man. Damn. Damn, dude. 400 times 1000.


It's not a lot of money. Not a lot of money for him. I mean, it's just. Yeah, they're called never surrender high tops.




So dope. So dope, dude, somebody called them insurrection eleven s. Yeah, insurrection.


Those are pretty dope, dude.


Yeah, they look like Air Jordan ones. They look like the ones.


Wow. Anyway, thank you.


I mean, honestly, dude, this guy, you can hate him. You can hate him.


You can hate him.


You can hate him. I don't. You can.


You hate him.


I don't hate him. I don't know him.


I don't know him either. But how can you hate him?


People hate him. But those are great shoes.


Yeah, those are great shoes, man. I don't hate him as much.


What do you mean?


There was a time in my life where I wanted him dead.


Why not dead?


But he just bothered me.


Right. And then you realize that's a bad way to think about.


Yeah, about people. But in the last couple of years, I've grown to kind of like, okay, so you ask your question, why do people like them? And then when you dive into why? And then you can latch onto some of those ideas and then change your perception a little bit. I don't want to get into it because I don't want to get canceled, but, you know.


Well, you're not going to. You cannot. You're allowed to have an opinion.


Yeah, but Biden doesn't really. I like him, too. I like him, too.


Didn't believe that for a second.


Yeah, I like him, too.


You know what I did this morning?


Dead on.


Oh, man. You know, Trump wants to come on our show. Show them the clip. Do we have that clip? Wake. Send it to Pete.


Honest question.


Trump actually said he'd come on our show. We have a clip of it. Do you have it? Andres?


So for real, let me ask you something and give me the real answer. If he wanted to, yes, you would do it.


What would I have? Trump on our podcast?




Do I want a billion dollar deal from somebody? I want to be Joe Rogan and get $250,000,000 deal. Yeah.


Because Joe didn't get Trump yet. Right.


I don't think he's been on the show, but look at this. I think he's funny. A very funny Chinaman. And I know funny people say I am one of the funniest, but he's funny, too. And if they asked me, I would do their podcast show bad friends, I think it's called. Why not?


Wow, look at that.


Funny China.


You can call me Chinaman.


Yeah. Hey, bet you better believe you can. Of course I'd have him on the show. You know how much fun we would have with that guy on the show?


I'm going to throw you some names. Say yes or no.




OJ Simpson.


Of course you would. Of course. I mean, I would make sure we remove Rudy's knives from the studio.


Yeah, you're right.


I stumbled on that joke. But I got.


That was really good. That was a really good joke.


Thank you. Who else?


Bill Cosby?


I don't think so. There's a lot of open beverages in the studio.


I wouldn't drink.


Wouldn't. I don't think I'd want.


Oh, you wouldn't want them on.


He's so fucking creepy. He's creepy. He creeps the fuck out of me.


All right, good. I'm just throwing names out. Woody Allen.


I don't know, dude. You do look like a little asian girl. I'm a little scared of that.




That's more of a threat for me.


No, I know. I'll just say. I'll just put the pigtails and be SUNY. I think I would spread my little legs open. Love it.


We cut a hole in the desk.




Just staring and drooling at your Woody.


No. OJ. Kevin Spacey.


No. Yes to OJ.


Oh, yes.


I think I said no to everybody.


OJ. No Woody, no Bill.


Yeah, I said no to everybody except Trump so far.


Yeah. Can I just throw some more.


Who'd you just say? Who? Kevin Spacey.


Kevin Spacey.


Great actor.


Oh, you know you would. No shit, dude.


Say that, dude.




I think the only reason I would be hesitant towards it is because of the amount of young men in here, like Macon, that are on.


Right, right.


You know what I mean?




This kind of feels like a bar.




You know what I mean? There's drinks in my office, and Spacey sees McCone and his little haircut.


Oh, right, okay. Yeah.


He's like, young man, help me get mic'd up for the.


Yeah, yeah, I see.


And McCone's like, no, the microphones are actually on the desk. We don't do chat. He's like, I'd like a lavalier mic. Why don't you tape one to my chest, young man.




No, because I don't want to pay for a translator. Oh, that's know, we got to have some other guy who's not really. That's my biggest beef with someone foreign would be tough. What if they're fucking lying?


Oh, through their language.


Don't you see that all the time? And the translator says something. I'm like, that's probably not.


No, we get our own translator.


Oh, that's cool.


Right? So then he's lying.


Wait, what is the accent?


He's dressed by Russian. You know what? Our translator is going to lying. No, we'll get English. What?


We'll get our english translator.




Poems lying through his teeth.


Interesting. But all of those I mentioned would be interesting. It would blow our shit up, though, but in a bad way.


You know, who we want on the show is gypsy. Rose. Didn't we ask to get her on the show? And she said no. It fucking sucks.


And I direct messaged her on Instagram. Fucking ghosted me.


Wow. But did she leave you on scene or. She didn't even look at it.


Damn. Yeah.


I want gypsy Rose, man. What's it called again? What's it called when you do that to somebody? When you capture. What her mother did was called Munchausen.




Munchausen syndrome. That's what Eminem claimed he had with his mother. Right.




Isn't that true? Remember that?


He used to talk about that in that photo.


She looks like she could be related to you.


I know, but she looks a little hot.


She looks a little hot? Well, it's okay to say that she's an of age adult, right? How old is Gypsy Rose? You're saying it like it's not allowed to be said or something.


No, I didn't know it.


Isn't she 32? She's a grown up.


I know.


Yeah. Well, why'd you whisper it? Why are you embarrassed about it?


Because when you saw the documentary, you would never dream, would you, that, like. Well, when she grows up.


Because they shave her head and all that shit. And give her those glasses.


Yeah. I mean, she looks. I'm going to get in trouble. Let's move on.


But I know what you're saying. She grew up. She looks like a grown up now.


What can we say that?


Well, it's not. You're allowed to say, she looks hot now. She's 32 year old. She's a fucking woman.


I know.


You can say she looks good.


Give me another photo, because that one I don't trust. Yeah.


Well, she's already married.




Isn't that her husband? That guy in the blue? The big blue shirt.


Oh, really?




Wait, she married that guy?


Yeah. And he's got Munchausen syndrome.


He has it, too. It's a cyclical thing.


It's a different.


She married into it.


Well, yeah, he's got Munchausens.


What's that?


Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, num, num, num, num, num. Yeah, he's a foodie.


That's a joke, Munch. I got it now. Jesus. Okay.


How? The whole fucking studio got it.


I know. I don't know why, but I just got the joke.


I know.


Very funny. I.


Thank you.


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Liquid death liquid death is my favorite water. I love it. Wow.


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That's badfriendsliquiddeath combat friends something about today. You know what it is? I know what it is. I know what it is. The rain fucked up your sleep last night, didn't it?


Yeah, it was too much.


I know.


Was it too much last night?


100%. You know why I have this fear? Because everyone doesn't. People that don't know at home. The roofs here in Los Angeles are made of paper machete.




Fucking. I'm afraid they're going to fall in because they're not made. Well, the first year that we moved into this fucking shitty house, our roof leaked. The first fucking year we moved in, the fucking living room collapsed.




Yeah, it sucked, dude.


It was like. But here's what I get that you don't get nuts.


Yeah. I'm not a big fan of nuts.




What do you mean?


I have these trees.


Oh, it sheds. Yeah.


With these gigantic. I don't know what they are.


Big beautiful nuts.


Nuts. Right.


Brown nuts. Big beautiful nut. Oh, black nuts.




So this tree is like, I'm a shed. All these big black nuts. Big beautiful black nuts fall on your roof.


So not only do I get that hard rain, but I get right.


And does it fuck with the animals? Yeah, my dog hates when she. Hate it falls from. We have a tree above our house and when it sheds, she's always like, yeah, fuck is that? Like a branch will just hit the roof? And then she sneaks under the bed and she's bummed the rest of the day.


And I had a flooding, remember I spent like $10,000 on getting in the upper hardwood and floors because of the balcony. I have a gigantic balcony and it flooded into my fucking thing. Right. So every 5 hours I go out there and to see if it's like. Because I've cleared the filter, the drainage, I mean. But it's like I just get paranoid because I don't want to spend that much money. It's insane. Any kind of flooding with hardwood and floors is a nightmare. Probably with rugs as well.


You're also in the hills, so you could slide down. I think about you all the time. What if your house starts to slide?


I'm not on the hills, man. Come on. When you say that makes me feel like what? I'm not hill, though.


You're in the hills. You're a hills guy. I'm in the flats. You're in the hill. But you're 52, I'm 40. You're more successful than me. I belong down with the people.


So much more success.


And you're above.


The other day we were at the comedy store, do you remember that whole quarter? People went, Andrew and they hugged you and I walked by. That was her cousin. No, that's what reality is. Reality is you're a beetle. I just see this and you're a beach boy.


No, you're Brian Wilson and I'm Ringo. Okay, that makes perfect sense.


Yeah, Ringo's sort of more. No, huh?


He's more famous Ringo than Brian Wilson.


Yeah. If you saw Brian Wilson walking straight in, Ringo star, who would you be able to.


I'd go up to Brian Wilson.


Yeah, but most people don't know what Brian Wilson looks like. They know what Ringo looks like.


Yeah, but that's only because of the publication. But Brian Wilson, it's tit for tat.


I don't know what we're doing right now.


Look at him.




Can you imagine that guy laid in bed for. How many years was it? He just laid in a bed? Remember when he was like, had agoraphobia or whatever? Couldn't leave that.


He's still alive, right?


You know, I don't know. This is what's bad about this show because we're going to talk about it. He's going to die in a month.


Oh, that's right.


We do this all the fucking time and I hope. How old is he? 81 years old. He's 81.


Still alive.






Close. We're going to do it. We're going to do it. I guarantee you he's going to pass soon. We just did it.




Whenever we do.


How many months, though? Let's make a bet.


All right, let's make a bet. I'm going to go three. Oh, my God. Why are we doing. I don't want him to pass away.


I don't want him to. August. August, okay, I get August in August, he's gone. And God bless you. You were what a talented man. Let's just do a fucking.


A death pact right now. A death pole? No, a death pact is when we both do it right.


We got to get rid of this voodoo.


Well, you know what we should do.


Is we got to do a seance right now.


You know what Paulie's trying to get me to do is ayahuasca with him. Paulie's doing big ayahuasca trips now.


Last night he comes out to me. Paulie?




He goes, D. I just. The ayahuasca. I was like, all right. And then he started taking his hands and twisting my nipples and he wouldn't let go.


That's what they do after ayahuasca.


So that's what happens. It's one of those effects.


That's how you really tune into God.


All right?


They twist your titties and they.


But it hurts so bad.


Oh, yeah.


He doesn't assault you?


He gives me big, tight hugs.


Oh, he does?


But I'm also bigger than you guys do. You know what I mean? It's hard for you? A littler. Guy is hard to assault a bigger guy.


But since he was raised with Asians.


Yeah, he was raised by Asians.


By Asians. Whenever he sees me, he gets so excited, and I have this, like, flight or fight kind of response, but I let him do it.


So funny to hear you say that.




Fight or fright? Because it's almost like a perfect non asian phrase, almost. Fright or fright. What is it? Sorry?


Fight or fright.


Almost. Fight or fright.


Did I say it that way?


It's like you own a haunted house.


Fight or fright.


Come in tonight for fright or fright.




You're going to be scared or get in a fist fight. Fist.


You are on today, dude. You know what? You're on an accent kick today, dude.


I don't know why.


Yeah, you're on a rhythm.


You know why? The rain brings out my accents. What's amazing, also this morning on the radio or on the. I heard a preview for some guy's new show. That's where the british thing came from. And it sounded so funny. Made me laugh. He's a go. Serious. It was so thick, so it got in my mind.




Once it sinks in. Mao. Did you say Mao?


I said, now, what is it? Wow. I said, wow.


You said Mao.




Do they say that over there? Do they say Mao instead of wow?




Oh, Mao.


And then some guy comes out of a hut. Me. Not you.




Yeah. I don't know. I thought I said wow. But that's okay. Yeah. I think you're really into things with me. I think I said fight or fright. Pretty good. But you're like, fight or fright.


Fight or flight. Flight or fight or.


Oh, that's why.


Yeah, dude.


Fight or flight.


I'm not making fun of you.


Oh, you are. I fucked it up.


Yes. Oh, fuck.


I am asian. You're right. I said, fight or fright.




It's supposed to be flight.




Yeah, but I mistake. All right.


You're right.


Oh, fuck. And maybe I did say Mao. Oh, my God. I got to wear this. I think this is what it might be. I need beanies.


Which is interesting, that you messed up. Fight or flight? Because you always flight. You never fight. You hate confrontation. You much rather flight.


I've been sitting up. I know. I've been setting boundaries.


Tell me a boundary you've made recently.


When people used to come talk to me in a certain way, and I used to absorb it, people that we know.


Friends of ours.


Yeah. Comics and stuff. You know what I mean? I go, hey, man, I don't like, when people talk to me like that.


Oh, I like this. Like, people are disrespecting you. Yeah, like, who's disrespected you recently?




First of all, I'm your best friend.


I know, but it's different. I tried to set a boundary with you.


We have boundaries. We have very.


I don't want to bring up anything, but I'm just saying that I said something, and I remember saying it going, I'm glad I said it.


What did you say?


No, I don't want to get into that.


What did you say?


You're the one that. Wait, this is a trick, dude.


What did you say?


All right, so sometimes when you make fun of Tiger belly, it makes me mad a little bit. Okay? So I go, hey, come on, man. Don't talk about that like that. Okay. And then you kind of went, okay, and I respect.


I don't.


Then you did it, like, two times after that, and I'll never do it again.


But my point is, that's comedian instinct.


Instinct, right.


Because you know how my heart, where my heart lies.


Yeah, I know.


First of all, let's clear the air.


Yeah. I have a hard time telling you anything.


You know how much I love. Wait, about what? About Tiger belly stuff?


No, just in general.


I don't want to, like, you call me every day.


I know. We do. I know. Let's just get this out of the way then. All right. Why are you laughing? Okay, let's do it. All right. It's because I love you so much and because I love this podcast and I love what we have going here, that a lot of times I go, I shouldn't say that because I don't want to get in a fight or this and that. So I absorb it because I don't want to ruffle any feathers. I want it to be smooth, but you can tell. And I feel like Simon and Garfunkel, there was one point where they got in a fight, and all of a sudden it was over. Right. And you and I never fight in that way. But I'm just saying that I get a little bit more scared when it comes to any kind of confrontation with you. I said it.


Yeah, but you can tell me anything. I know, and I've never not been supportive of you in our whole friendship.


Ditto. That's not what I'm saying.


So what is it that you can.


Ditto. That's not what I'm saying.


The tiger belly stuff is a crux of it, big time.


It's not even that. You do it as a joke. But it's like sometimes I just feel like that's fine. You haven't done it since then, and that's fine.


And you know how much I love Kalila.


I understand.


I just don't like. I just hate Gilbert.


I know Gilbert sucks.




But with you is the hardest because I don't want to ruffle any feathers, but when I said that, I was just like, I'm glad I said, I'm glad you said. Right. So what I'm saying is that, but in the world, comedy world, and also I'm not as scared to say things to people.


Lately you've been letting go.


Well, like the Matt reif thing the other last night.


What happened?


You left.




You did a show and then it went up. Liza. Then Matt rife comes in. Right? And then somebody was trying to get Matt Reife to go up before me.


To bump you.


To bump me, which is fine. But I remember saying, yeah, I think Josh, Adam Myers goes, hey, dude. Yeah, matt Rice got it good. No, he goes, I'm not going to do that to you.


Yeah, right.


And I go, okay, thank you. But then when Matt was there, I was just know. I walk up to Matt, I go, you want to go up before me? I have another spot. I go, okay, go ahead. When that happens, it's fine. It's my mean, sometimes you're at a club and they, yo, um, t williams, I just made up a name, wants to go before you, and he's going to go up before you and they tell you what's going to happen. I don't like that.




So now I can go. No. I can go, no. Or I can go make my own decisions.


I'll decide.


Yeah. Yeah.


Did Matt was on the lineup? Was he on.


He was on the lineup. No.


So he was a pop in.




And then he also had another spot.


Yeah. What do you mean, don't do. He doesn't get to do it?


No. Here's the deal.




This is an incorrect move.


Oh, my God.


Comedy is chess. This is a bad move.


Here's not a bad move. What are you talking about? I love that.


It doesn't matter. Here's why. I like the kid, too. It doesn't matter. My point I'm making is if you had another spot, then you don't do a slide into another show if you have another time constraint.


I think he lied.


Oh, well, that's even worse because in.


My head I'm like, what spot do you have? It's eleven at night.


Well, then that's even worse.


But I don't know. I don't know.


No. So then what we're saying is, that's even worse. Then you should say, I'll go whenever.


You've never done that. I've lied. I've said to people, oh, no, I got two spots. I got to go up right now.


I've never lied about. Have another spot. If I'm bumping in on a show, I'm not even.


I've never bumped in on a show.


So case in point, this is literally the point I'm making. If you're going to bump in on a show, you can't have another engagement. That doesn't make sense. You slide in on a spot like Chappelle does it.


All right, listen.


I'm doing a learning lesson for people.


I'm a learner.


You're learning, right?


I'm a learner.


You and I just don't bump. We don't slide. In fact, how guilty did I feel the other night? There was miscommunication on the show that we were both on. You literally said, oh, that was bullshit.


What you did.


What was bullshit?


That's another boundary I'm going to set.


Here we go.


Right. Boundary time.




Oh, don't do this.


No. What's the boundary?


Don't you raise your voice.


Fuck you. You raise your voice.


Now he's scared. Now he cannot put the boundary up.


No, I'm going to put the boundary down, man. See?


He's up.


What you did was sabotage.


How did I sabotage?


Don't do that with your little eyes, your little Chicago Italian.


First of all, let's not talk about little fucking eyes here, all right?


But you do this little thing.


Grasshouse. Don't throw stones in a grasshouse. All right?


Fight or fright. Fight or fright. Okay, so Friday night, you were on.


The lineup and I had to cancel.


Stop. Let me kind of tell. I hate when you do that, too, when you roll your eyes, because you.


Talk about it like, you know, you didn't know what happened.


I was there. Oh, my God.


Friday night. Go ahead.


I just rolled my eyes, too. I do, with my head.


It's harder to see when you do it.


Yeah, so fuck you, dude. Let me say something, okay? I'm fine with your sabotage and your little antics. Oh, right. Dude, I just said I love you immensely.


I didn't sabotage.


I'm fine with it.


Dude, I had to cancel on Friday. What happened?


Let me tell the story, man.


You tell my story.


All right, so Friday, I'm at the comedy store. Right. And, oh, Andrew's going to be here. This is great. And then somebody came up to me as Andrew canceled Friday night. Friday night?


Yeah, Friday night.


I don't care what the excuse is. You have every right to. Even if you didn't feel like doing it, you have every right to cancel. Okay, so Saturday night, you're not on the lineup. All right. You only canceled Friday night.


Yeah, they canceled Saturday on accident.


They don't do that.


They did.




Anyway, do you want proof of it? I'll call Emily. Right.


No, no, stop.


Do you want me to call her?


No, don't.


Yeah, because you'll be wrong.


So they did let me call Emily.


Go ahead. It was an accident. She thought I was canceling both spots. But I was only supposed to cancel Friday.


Yeah. Anyway, but okay, even if you're not now late, they took you off the lineup, which they did. They didn't.


Yeah. How would I know?


Exactly. Yeah, but how do you know what time you had?


What do you mean?


You went up before me.


Oh, this is exactly how I know because the booker said I slid in maz in your spot because I thought you weren't there. So boom, boom, fuck you. Fuck you.


How's that boundary I always get this random number from?


Let me see.


Rhode island.


Can we pick it up? Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up.


Yeah. Hello? Hello, Robert? Who? Oh, yes, hi, Robert.


Actually, this is Lee. And this call will be super quick because it may not apply to you.


What the fuck is it we're calling? Hello, Robert, can you hear me? Yeah. Fuck. That's how you do it.


That's how you handle it for everybody at home. That's how you handle one of these calls.


You act belligerent. You don't do that.


That was so good.


You come fuck.


I never pick it up.


Yeah, you gotta come. Fuck. Yeah.




And he just hung up. Anyway, Emily.


And that'll teach him a lesson.




No, don't call her. She'll panic.


She will.


Yeah, dude. She'll freak out. She slid in Maz for me, and then I got there and I was like, oh, I have a guest here. I had two guests to see me, my budy Jake Lacey, phenomenal actor who was in town doing the people's Choice awards, who did. I'm dying up here with me, who was up for an Emmy for fucking white Lotus, who's on a new, amazing film. And then Mark Rebier came to see both of us.






And Mark, can I say something? What? You did?




I'm glad you brought this up, because now it's bringing me another thing.


What did I do?


After your set, you took all those guys out of the room. They weren't there.


What are you talking about?


When I got off stage, all your fancy friends were not in their seats and they had not seen my set.


What do I have to do with that?


After your set, this is what I believe you did. Let's go out in the patio and party.


Oh, you know me, I'm a big patio party guy.


No, but let's go talk or something.


I go home every time after my set, I leave.


Interesting, because when I went to the parking lot, you were still there.


With whom?




Yeah. He cornered me.


This is our lives. This is what we think about it. We have nothing better to do. You know what I mean?


All right. Can I give you something?


Go ahead.


Let's move on.


All right.


I got dry needled this morning. It's revolutionized my life.


Pins in your back.


I'm going to do it all the time now.


Pins in your back.


Pins in my butt and my back. In my glute and my back. Dry needling. I think I'm going to do this all the fucking time.


You feel great.


Amazing. Here's what they do. They put the needle in there, then he moves it around until your muscle retracts and twitches because it's releasing. And then he lets it sit. Sometimes I go to the guy and he puts on uv light on it. Kind of like extract some of the shit.




And I got to tell you, you guys, ancient chinese medicine. So good.


The best.


It's amazing. It's fucking amazing. Is there ancient korean medicine, by the way?


Why are people giggling?


What's going on? Surprise. Who is it? Who's the surprise? Well, someone doesn't look fatter than usual.




Est? Mom? Is your mom here?


Your mom's here.




My God, I love your mom. Sit down, sweetie.


Is your mom here for the premiere?




Oh, wow. Hi, mom. Come on in.


Hi, mom.


Come on in.


Ladies and gentlemen, Esther and her mom.


They're here. I love your mom.


Put on the headphones.


Mom, have you been here this whole time? This is the last time I saw you.




I went home for five days and you came back.


She had to go get my dad because he can't travel by himself.


Why is that?


Because he's 80 and he's a liar.


And he lies to the TSA.


He's like, I do have a bomb in my back. Are you excited about tonight's premiere?


I am not.






No, it's just because, you know when your parents are there and it's, like, embarrassing.


No, because Bobby and I, our parents don't support us. You don't have to wear them if you don't want to. But it's nice for sound. Maybe you can hear how you sound in there and you can judge your own voice.


Oh, I probably won't like how I.


Sound like Judy Dench.


First of all, it's Dame Judy Dent.




You have to say no.


But we.


So my mom was here two weeks ago.


Can you pull your shirt up? You're pulling it down. I'd rather it be up, if you don't mind. Pull it up.


Two weeks ago, and we have all these security cameras at our house to monitor my dad, like, entering and leaving. And we caught him in a lie about going to a casino, and so she had to fly back to get him and bring him.


Is this in Chicago? Do you go to Rivers? Where do you.


He's banned.


Banned from?




Why is he banned? Why is he bad?


He's banned from Rivers Casino.


He self banned himself.




He didn't do anything inappropriate and they.


Kicked him out, so he had to drive to Pota wannabe.




You got to go to Potawana.


You know it.


What do you mean? We're from Chicago.




What are you talking about? So you went to potawatomy?




Which, by the way, don't.




No, I can't do what? Well, I was going to make a joke about little pot of.


No, go ahead.


The show you did.


Oh, reservation dogs. Yeah. What's a joke?


You said no. Anyway, he's banned.




You know, baby gap. The clothes at baby Gap?




It's actually for the babies, not you. You know, you're not supposed to actually wear just because you have a baby.


This is a skims. Okay.


Oh, is that Kim Kardashian? Yeah. Wow.


You guys have been having my literal. My closest friend on your show.






Greg is like one of my closest friends of the comedy.


First of all, he's never mentioned your name.


Also, he's not your closest. He's our closest friend.


We've asked the goop. First of all, his name is the Goop.


The Goop? Yeah.


And we've asked the goop multiple times who his closest homies are in the game, and you didn't come up once. Have you gone to see wicked with him once? No, but have you gone to an Adele concert with him.


You know that he's taking me to Madonna. He's the only person I've ever had common interests with at the comedy store. Like, every time I see just, he and I have. So we talk about Casey Musgraves, Lady Gaga, Miley Cyrus. Like, he's my closest friend in comedy.


Okay. I mean, I don't buy it, but.


I don't buy it either. I've never seen you guys together. Sounds like it's very interesting. I could play the same game. Brad Pitt's my closest friend.


That's actually not funny. That is true.


That is true.


Yeah. They've been hanging out a lot.


We have similarities.


You were in seven.


Yeah. Taekwondo. We love taekwondo. Yeah. And we love Greece, the musical, the movie.


Oh, the musical.


And actual Greece with a car.


Love Greece.


Yeah. So let me say something to you. How do you feel about the billboards around town with your face on it?


Your tongue, your face? Let's ask your mom. I don't want to hear from her anymore. How do you feel about seeing your daughter around town on billboards? Is that amazing?


Well, I haven't actually seen one, but I've seen the pictures.


Pretend like.


Look at the billboard.


Oh, my gosh. Yeah. That's amazing.


By the way, just above sunset liquor. Look at that. You can't get better placement than that, baby.


Can I ask you a question? Why did they put. Zoom in on that photo?


Yeah. How did you get all those sprinkles on your tongue?


It's actually not.


And they go toward the center of the poster. No, go down. Why is my name in yellow?


I had nothing to do with that. I don't make these decisions, okay?


Oh, every other name one was white one.


I understand.


Yeah, but Bill Burr is white. They could have put yellow in reverse. Anyway, it's a great poster. And you know what's nice about it? It's your face.


It is not my tongue, though.


No, but what I'm saying is it looks like you. It's weird when I see posters for films or television shows and it's like, that's not that they've airbrushed it so much or they've done where you're like, that's not the person that I know. So this is your face. That's nice.


That's a really good compliment that it looks like me still.


It is you. What do you mean? What's not you about that? You're just wearing makeup. They didn't do anything to you.


Thank you.


Did they do stuff? And I.


Did they photoshop you?




Did they photoshop?


They have to Photoshop everyone, like, a little bit.


Well, they can't look like you. You know what I mean? They can't be you. She didn't get all your jeans.


What are you talking about?


The smile.




Not her mother?


Yes, she's stunning, your mom.


Thank you.


It's kind of a bummer.




She took after her dad.


Yeah. Oh, really? What does the dad look like?


A jewish man.


Okay, I see.


Apparently the apple does fall pretty far away from the tree sometimes.


So have you seen the movie yet, Esther?


Well, I was involved in editing and stuff. I haven't watched it. I'm going to watch it tonight, though, at the premiere.


I'm going, but I'm not watching it.




I'm leaving.


I actually was considering that too, because it is a little stressful to be in a room full of.


The move is to leave.


I'm leaving.


I left the last bunch of premieres. My agent was with me last time and he was like, after we say hi, just go inside. And then we leave. And I was like, is that a thing? He's like, yeah. What do you mean? We'll go get sushi.


Oh, okay.


He's like, you don't want the anxiety of being in the room. I was like, I don't.


Yeah, it does feel.


Oh my God.


It's scary.


And if you're comfortable with that feeling of being in that room, you're a lunatic.


This is validating me right now so much.


Thank you.


Is that the man chinese?




Is the man chinese? Man's Chinese.


What I say, is the man chinese?


Is the man chinese?


Yeah. Ask me, you got questions. By the way, the man chinese?


Yeah, it is.


Answer. Okay. It is. So it's a big theater, right?


Yeah, it's a decent.


My fear is that it's going to be half full.


No, shut up, Bobby.


But even if it is, that doesn't scare me.


Well, who cares?




No, because I went to the get out premiere there. Okay. All right. Anyway.


Well, why are you doing that? Why are you pitting this against get out? Both of them are directed by strong black men.


That's right. Nicholas is black. His butt?




You're obsessed with his butt.


I know I'm obsessed with Nicholas Goosen's butt.


He brings it up a lot.


Have you seen his butt before?


No. In what world would I see his butt?


If you see it, it's unbelievable. It's so puffy.


He's got a nice tush.


Big, brazilian.






So how long are you in Los Angeles for?


We actually leave tomorrow morning, so dad.


Is here, but where is he? In the hotel?


He's at my house. He didn't want to come to any of the things that we had going on except the premiere.


Oh, cool.


What else did you do today?


I had a doctor's appointment, and then I got there, and the doctor had to leave, so I didn't see my doctor.


That's like, his movie premiere is when you get into his office. He's like, I can't stay around for this. I got to get out of here. I don't want to go through with this shit.


She had an emergency delivery.


Someone was sliding out. Yeah.


Is everything okay with your belly? I don't know how you say it. You know what I mean?


It doesn't feel good.


That sounded right.




Is it a boy?


It's a girl.




Why is that your guess?


Because you kind of have masculine energy, so I feel like it's. No, it's a. We. I think we said that you talked about the name, but you said you wouldn't tell Bobby. No, I remember that.


Yeah. What's the name?


No, she said she wouldn't tell.


I can't say that.


Tell me the name.


No, Dave said I can't.


To me? No, specifically. Yeah, Dave King said specifically I can't know.


That's what he said.


Tell me the fucking name. I'm sorry, mom. Tell me the fucking name right now. I'm fucking tired of this. I've known you for 20 fucking years. Tell me the fucking name. Sorry, mom.


The only person who knows the name is my mom, and she hates it.


How about this?


You really hate the name? Seriously, we'll bleep it out.


Oh, wow. We'll bleep it out. Say it. Cover your mouth and say it.


Yeah, I'm sorry. She told me.


Oh, really?


Oh, no, you hate it because it's mean. You don't like it.


Be honest.


Yeah, it's not my first choice.


I think it's one of those, like, Levi or something.


Oh, no, I wish it was.




Esther, please tell us and we'll bleep it out. I promise.


If you promise to bleep it out, I swear to God I will tell you guys, and you can't tell anyone.


This is amazing.




But hold on. There's only one person in the room we can't trust. McCone. Go outside. McCone's got to go outside because you know he'll tell somebody he's a yapper. Get out there. Get out there, Nick. Make sure the door closes, because he's a yapper, by the way.


Hi, Pete. I know. Your wife is pregnant.


How beautiful, Pete. Congrats.


How many weeks is she?


I can't believe I just kicked that guy out.


Six months.


Oh, my God.


Yeah, get him. Let him in here.


It's okay.


I was just kidding.


Give me the name. Give me the name. Okay.


Cover your mouth, though.


Oh, okay.


You chose for the camera, so they can't see because you have to believe. Go ahead. What is it?


You have to believe it.




And we all have to have an honest reaction.






And just know that most people don't like it, so I'm okay.


Stop setting it up. Just do it.


Most people hate it.


Just do it.


Okay, so it's a girl. That's important.


Close your eyes. Everyone close your eyes. Hands up.


It's important to remember it's a girl.


Got it.


And the last name is very integral to the storyline here.


Wait a minute. Your last name. No.








Right. Got it.


That's very important.


Got it, got it.


Can we guess?


No, just let her do it.


Okay. The baby's name is.


Oh, wait, hold on. Let's guess.


Bobby King, because the king is. Crown.


Crown King.


Crown King. Crown the burger.


Crown the king.


Oh, yeah. Burger King.


Could be named. Burger.




Crown royal. King.


Oh, very good, mom.


Oh, wow.


She might need to fill in this chair sometime. Yeah, she's better than Rudy.


Nat Cole.




Nat Cole King.


That's wrong. But.


Nat Cole King.


Dr. Martin Luther?




The kid's named Dr. Martin Luther?




Do you guys have a guess? What do you guess, Pete? Come on, Pete. What do you think? Something. King rat King. Is it Theo Vaughn? Tiger, tiger. King. Good.


I also want to say that Dave, he was the first one who pitched it and has since gone back on it, but I'm like heels in the.


Ground, so you're all in, no matter what.






Okay, go ahead. Yeah, but here we go.


He pitched it for a boy.


Hands up, eyes closed. All right? Hear it naturally, react naturally.


Cover your mouth. Cover your mouth.


Okay. Go ahead.






I thought. Everyone, look at me. Hey, look at me.


I'm absorbing it. You like it or not?


It's really bad. It's embarrassing.


Not just embarrassing. I've never heard anyone in my entire life. Why would she do that to that poor kid?


We love it.


Love it.


That's a great name. My God.




Wait, so you don't like it? I got to tell you, I'm not pandering. I kind of like it.


It's so cool.


I think it's pretty cool, I guess.


And it's cute.


You guessed?


No, it's cool because I've never imagine meeting a woman. I'm not going to say the name.


Again, but meeting a woman with that.


Name, with that name, I'd be like, oh, are you a sniper?


The only thing is that it's really kind of a weird name for the child of me and Dave.


What would you want to be called? Anxiety.


She's just going to be very, I think, jewish and small.


So what would you want her to be named then? What would be a better jewish name?


It's a gender neutral name, but I think in school everybody's going to assume it's a boy. Anywhere she goes, they're going to think it's a boy.


You told me the name a while ago was going to be Schmaltz. That's what she said. Schmaltz King.


Schmaltz king.


And honestly, at some point could open up a Schmaltz king. Sounds like a great spot.


I've been Esther Pavitzky my whole life and so I'm overcompensating.


To be fair, mom, to be fair, you did screw up on that.


Oh, that was not my choice.


Oh, that was. Did the guy that got banned from rivers got to pick?


Yeah, I had no choice. I picked out the middle name. Actually, I wanted her middle name to be her first.


What's her middle name?




That's beautiful.




You know what? You kind of look like a Lauren.




I mean, well, every jewish girl from that poem. Yeah, every jewish girl growing up.


You're the only one I know named that. Esther.


Yeah, well, for this century. Yeah, this century for the past hundred years.


No, you know what? I like that name.


I'm down with it. I didn't when I was little, but she hated it first.


Yeah, I did. And then I envisioned when she grew up that she would go by Elorin.


Which is weirder, or just Lauren. Most people just do. The middle name you could have gone by, like Bessie or what are other.


My husband had an aunt Bessie.


Bessie, right. Your husband's got a. What was your maiden name before? You know, is that illegal to put out to the world? Yeah, because I want to know how much better that was, too. Because then you got this man who's got shitty name taste and weird last name.


It's pretty bad.


Yeah, you double that. You could do better. I'll say it if you bleep it out. You bleep it out.


Cover your mouth, mom.


Cover your mouth. What is it?


That's not that bad.


No, that's kind of cool.


Pretty cool.


He'll bleep it out.


So she could have been Lauren.


That sounds actually rad.


That looks pretty cool.


Mid. It's like more midwest. Yeah, it's very not.




Well, yeah, I mean, once I see your face.


Mom, when Esther, years ago said, I want to do comedy, how did you feel? Be honest.


I was shocked, to be honest with.


Are we're still shocked?


Yeah, we're pretty.


It boggles my mind.


Boggles my mind.


We thought she'd be a dancer because she's been dancing ever since she was.


Does. I do know this? We've talked about this because my wife was a dancer as well, and Esther shares some of the same fluidity.




Well, you're coordinated.


Oh, yeah.


Do you know Andrew's wife, Esther?




So you guys talked about dancing before?


I believe we did. And also, you guys used to be building mates, remember? You guys lived in the same building, which.


111. Eleven North Dearborn?




You used to live on. Really?




What floor?


17Th floor.


We were above you.


Did you guys get it for, like. Were you in on the discount? Low income housing?


Yeah, it was.


Yeah, that's how we lived there. Because of that. Because my mom was a single mother, so we registered for low income housing.




That's how. Wow.


Yeah. At 1111. That's so wild.


Now, where'd you go to school?


La Salle.




Yeah, I went to La Salle. Yeah. Do you know that? La Salle Language Academy, right? It's not too far away. Yeah. And then Moody. I went to moody. So did my daughter, and they removed me from Moody. Yeah. They literally kicked me out.


Yeah. She went the first year of preschool, and then they had all day kindergarten.


That's wild. Yeah. So you sent your kid to a Catholic. That's like a hardcore catholic school, too. See, I like that.


But I was a working mother, so I hadn't.


My sister wasn't really.


I wish I met her. Insane. My sister wasn't jewish.


And then you met Esther's dad. How'd you guys meet?


At work.


Oh, wow. Where'd you work at the time? Can you say it?


Yeah. Cook county treasurer's office.


Cook county, baby treasury's office.


Was it instant love or would it take some time?


No, we were coworkers and had worked there for a couple of years, and we saw each other, and then one day we went to lunch, and then that was it.




So did he pursue you and you were okay with it right away? It's not one of those old stories from your generation where it's like, couldn't stand the guy, and then he kept bugging you?


No, not at all.


Okay, good.


But you had a stalker.


Oh, tell us. Everybody loves a good stalker story. Yeah.


She had, like, a. Who was stalking her? That's why. So, at her job, my parents met working government jobs, which is so cute. And this guy kept coming to her to find her, and he broke into the building where you guys lived.






And so then they had to move her into the underground floor.


You lived in the garage?


No, they moved me to the vault. To the vault in the Cook county treasurer's office. And then my dad also got moved to the basement because he was disobeying his boss.


I knew it was going to be the first floor. Right.




But you could tell he did something bad. They were like, you go down there.


Yeah. And so that's kind of.


That's such a cute story. No, it is. Really.


I love that story.


It's not like these days. It's not like I was swiping on an app, taking a shit at a Starbucks, fell in love.


I think when you meet like that, too, it lasts.


Well, it has been. Look at that.


Yeah. I want to meet somebody.


Where? What is it, 37?






Right? Because Esther's 46.


Because when your mom met your stepdad Jeff.




Right. It lasted and they met in similar circumstances.


Well, my mom met my dad. My mom worked for the property management company that managed a lot of those buildings. And she showed my dad an at. I think it was at. It was on LaSalle, but. Showed him.


Yeah. Because the other one, it was the same owner I was between Dearborn and LaSalle.


Right. And I think she showed him an apartment there. And then he asked her out on a date.




I think that's how that they met, through that whole thing.


It's amazing that you two from that region of the country came to LA and carved out a career that's a testament to many things. But your resilience.


Subsidized housing.


Subsidized housing, but also the talent. I think it's amazing because I've been out. Know. It's harder, probably, because I grew up in San Diego. It's a two hour drive from LA. It's not that big of a.


This was a big leap.


It's a big leap and a scary leap. And your mom probably wasn't that supportive, right? In the beginning.


Not in the beginning.


Yeah. And it must have been a real risk, and you did it. And now you're on a billboard and.


With a huge movie out that. It's your movie.


It's your movie. That is unbelievable.


Dream come true.


Oh, that's.




What a beautiful story.


And you're about to be a mom. I mean, it's like, what more do you want, asshole?


That's the most amazing thing.


That is.


What do you mean by that?


That you're going to have a baby.


Everything else you've done is shit. She's mom.


Did you meet her previous boyfriends, like Tony Hinchcliffe?


Oh, sure.


Yeah, yeah.




You like Tony?


Red Bane.


Red Bane.


Did you like any of the other guys at all, or.


No, no, they were all nice.


Yeah, they're nice.


They go to Tony's shows when he's in Chicago.


Oh, that's cool.


Did you hate any of the guys that she dated? Was there any guys you were like, I cannot stand that.


You're like.


They have low standards, though, for so, like. I think they were just any. If I had a Boyfriend, they were like, this is good.


But David's an upgrade for sure. Oh, yeah, he's a real upgrade.


He's a keeper.




It's so funny that they had low standards. The way she said it, they didn't believe in me at all. But it was nice to hear you say that, honestly, that you didn't really support the dream when she first came out here.


No, because she was her third year of college, second semester, and my husband picked her up at the bus station. She was coming home for the weekend and she comes through the door crying. And my husband's like, you're not going to believe that she wants to quit school. I mean, she only had maybe eight weeks left of her second semester.


Everything was paid for a year plus an additional. My senior year.


Yeah, you had another year. But we wanted her to at least.


Finish out her third year of college.




Where'd you go to school again?




Oh, yeah. You buy.




That's a great school, too.


You guys think she was funny?


Hold on 1 second. 1 second. No, bob, can you.


It's embarrassing.


It's embarrassing.


Shut the fuck up, man. Shut the fuck up. It's my friend. Dude.


Hey, good question.


Yeah, good question.


Did you think she was funny?


We didn't have a clue why she even wanted to go out there.


Yeah, right.




She never made you laugh.


And can I tell you something? Yeah, same. No, Esther is a bright light. In the comedy scene since we met, maybe, I'd like to guess, 15 years ago. I don't know how long we've known each other.


Yeah, a long, long time.


And what's funny is this is going to sound very corny, but I'm going to do it anyway because we're here. There's sometimes when you're young, you just know when some people have it. Some people are probably going to quit. Some people are probably going to get too into drugs and alcohol or just disappear. And Esther was always someone that I knew was she was just going to do whatever she wanted to do anyway. And it was going to work because she was just good at being authentic to what she wanted to do anyway. And she was very good at.


Whenever I explained to people, Esther, can I get that over again?


I think you just got to run with it.


I got to run with it. Yeah. I go, she's an anomaly, and there's just no one. And I feel that way about myself, too. I think that I'm just who I am. I'm different.


Focus on her.


Okay. Go back to you. Yeah. Esther, right?


I forgot her name. Lauren.


Lauren. Lauren. So, Lauren. And as soon as I saw you, I got it.


Yeah, you get it right away.


I looked at you. Oh, yeah. That's going to work.


You should be proud, mom. You made something good. And you shouldn't be proud of getting banned from rivers, but you should be proud of what you've created on the other side of it.




And we want everyone to please go watch drugstore June, if it's available after it's on theater, it's going to be on vod, I imagine.


Yeah, it's already for pre sale.


And I just have to say about my part in it.


Oh, Lord.


You were great, Bobby.


No, thank you for being a bad friend. Death.






Woo? Death.