Transcribe your podcast

Happy new year. Thanksgiving.


No, dude, it's just the new year.


And welcome to the. We got tour dates.


Welcome to the. We've got tour dates.


Welcome to it.


We're gonna be in Atlantic City, New Jersey.


Salt Lake City, Utah.


Temecula, California.


Reno, Nevada.




Long Beach, California.


Wizard, Ontario, Canada. Niagara Falls, Canada.


Tucson, Arizona.


And we finished the tour 420 in Las Vegas.


I can't wait for that. Viva Las Vegas.


Go to for tickets.


You two are bad friends.


Who are these two idiots?


White dude and an asian dude. You two are disgusting.


You two are something.


We're bad friends.


Happy new year.


Happy new year.


It's 2024. Happy new year to all the bad friends. What a year we've had. Take that out of your mouth. Why? What did we learn over the weekend? We learned that Bobby and I are both year of the pig. If you want to talk about our birth years, he's a gold pig, golden pig, and I'm a water pig.


You're a water pig?






I don't know what a pig. What does a pig sound like in.


Huh? Hypopotamus.


Hypopatomus. That's actually very smart.


Rosie O'Donnell is a water pick, too.




Her birth year.


Oh, okay. Yeah, that makes sense.


Oh, she's a little water pig. Rest in peace.


She's not dead.


Oh, I know.


Is she?


No, but I saw her the other night. She was cool.


We're going to kill her, you know, on the show.


Oh, sorry. No, I want her to live. You guys, happy new year. Congratulations to everyone for surviving another year. And let me say something right now, man, what a beautiful 2024 we got ahead of us.


We got some stuff lined up.


Yeah. What are your resolutions?


My resolutions are to get off of cholesterol medication. I want to get in good enough heart health shape so I don't have to take cholesterol medication. That would include not doing this podcast anymore.


Happy new year, guys.




I have not.




Excuse me.


Can I help you?




Oh, this isn't the intervention for the. Fuck that guy. I'm sorry. My agent told me that I was doing a podcast Today and she said, improvise as much as possible. Yeah, so I wanted to come in know, no pun intended. Brought a nice coffee.


You sure did.


But I also brought a mind.


Were you Jeremiah Watkins at the beginning?


What's that?


You came in too hot.


Came in too hot?


Is he known for doing that?


Yes. Well, way too hot.


Is that what he's known for.


Dr. Phil, do you want to put on your headphones? That way you can always.


I want to hear and feel everything you guys are doing because I've been watching from afar and it's nice to see it up close.


Never use headphones there before. Dr. Phil.


Dr. Phil. Can somebody help Dr. Phil, please?


I do think it's important for us to celebrate what we've created. Oh, Bobby, you can go first.


Oh, yeah.


2024 is around the corner. What did 2023 bring to you? And then I'll get to you, Andrew.




My enemy. I said no to my enemy and I put him on in his tracks. And the enemy is called ice cream.


You're not going to stop eating?


My enemy is called ice cream.


I thought were going to say, like, jackie Chan.


No, not Jackie Chan. No, man. He's a good guy. I'm a good guy for sure.


But I still would love to see a fight to the.


Yeah, yeah.


Over a bowl of mint chocolate chip. Well, that's a.


Are you really trying to quit ice cream for you are?


Yeah. Because you know all my.


You know what I'm going to do now? I'm sending gallons of McConnell's ice cream to your front door for the next month straight.








It's going to be out there, baby.


Yeah. It's just going to melt out there. Sticky river.


A little sticky river. He's going to want to slide down in that steep driveway, and at the bottom of that, I'm going to put up one of those little, like, kiddie pools. It's just going to slowly fill up with melted ice cream. So every time you back out of your car, how are you going to resist?


What flavor?


Get out.


What flavor? If you get the flavor right, then maybe it's going to be bad, buddy.


I'm going to do all of them. You're not going to get one flavor, but it's going to be like suicide from a Fountain drink.


But let me say something.




I've questioned our friendship and I don't think that you know me a lot. I don't think you know me. So I want to ask you, what kind of ice cream would I be tempted to eat?


Good question.


Thank you so much, doctor. And if you get that right, dude, we're besties. If you get it wrong, we have a long way to go, my friend.


Well, no, there should be a real bet here. If he gets it wrong, something has to happen to him.


Like what?


I don't know. Maybe he gets punched in the taint Dr. Phil. You're aggressive.


You solve shit on your show.


Yeah, no, but I'm not on my show.


Right. You're on my show.




So shut the fuck up.


How does that feel, Dr. Phil?


Can I be honest? It feels good.


He likes to be talked to like that.


I make my wife wear a mask of me just to know what it's like to go fuck myself. So you were saying about your favorite creamery?


We can tell what your favorite kind of ice cream is.


Do you know what it is?




Okay, go ahead.


I bet I know.


What is it?


Well, here's the hard part.


That's why.


Because you're not. No, I do know you well, but you're not shy when it comes to indulgence. It's not like one is your ultimate. You eat a lot.


Five, that I like, if you can name one of the five.


Well, Rocky road for sure is.


Well, that's not my number one.


I know. That's it.


Well, then why did you even.


Well, I was going to say sugar free Red Bull. They don't make with that attitude.


Oh, you're right.


We want that to happen.


That's actually true.


Yeah, we want it to happen. You're manifesting it.


He is.


Let me ask you something. When you moved out your house, how come did machine guns on the fucking.


You know.


Do you see? Was that his house? Yeah.


Look at Dr. Phil's house online. What's the deal, dude? When you moved out, what was this about? You just load up?


Yeah. What is that all about?


Well, to be fair, I've never seen this picture. But I will tell you this much. I have so many rooms in my house. I've got an arcade. I've got a room that's just filled with bidets. So you have one of those shitty days, literally, right? And you just want to pop around to each fucking hose and let them just town. But the gun room came into play when I saw the new grand theft auto came out. And then I had also seen a mission Impossible movie and had a couple of run ins at the local ride aid where I was like, I wish I was packing. So built a room, hung up some memorabilia.


Can you zoom in on that? It's also in your dining room.


Look at the toys too.


Yeah, to the left.


The left.


My favorite part is all the added on.


Are you a big miracami fan?


Oh, miracami. Miragumi.


All right.


What is.




So you've got origami. From what we can see, there's about five or six assault rifles.




Imagine being an Uber eats driver and getting my order wrong and still having the nerve to show up. Imagine me walking you into that room and going, maybe next time you don't forget the Mac salad.


You honestly would invite an Uber eats guy into your house?


Hey, I'm trying to play cool.


And no, I didn't know you were that kind of guy. I'm realizing how humble and cool you are.


Yeah, I mean, I try to relate. You get to a certain level and you guys are in it right now where the tide is changing. You're jumping out into the ocean with not just a surfboard, but a game plan.


What the fuck are you talking about?


I have no idea what he's talking about, Jesse.


No, you tell?


Yeah, he's saying your guys'famous. Dr. Phil level. Fame.


Oh, wow. What's this relationship about? How do you know Dr. Phil?


I just watch a lot.


Facebook. Well, I follow you on Facebook.


You do?


You do?


I follow about 16 people on Facebook. Dave Coolier.








Tony Robbins is, of course, agent.


Let me guess. T pock Chopra.


T pock Chopra.


Fuck yeah.


Gary Vee.


Gary Vee. Shannon.


The situation.


The situation.




It got to be the situation, Papa John. Just because I love a good racist rant from time to time.


All right. I know Mike Lindell.


Boom. What a funny guy.


Yeah, he's hilarious.


Hilarious, yeah.


Good. Yeah. And then.


Is that all the people?


There's three or four more in about.


What about Marlo Cyrus? The other. Miley Cyrus's unknown sister.




And then there's a guy that looks like Billie Eilish that works at Trader Joe's.


Oh, William Eilish.




I know.


Billy. Billy. Billy, as we call him.


And then Billy Joel Armstrong from Green Day.


There's it.




I follow him.


Billy Joel.


And then. Billy Joel.


Billy Joel. The actual Billy Joel?


No, there's an actor who plays Billy Joel.




He's a stunt guy, I guess.


Right, right.


Sometimes Billy Joel falls off stage from playing piano. So there's a guy that comes out. And then Obama's fan page. I follow.


Oh, good. So. Because if you didn't say that because they were all pretty much white. They were all white except for Indian Deepak.


Oh, no, he's white.


Oh, he is pretty white. Very tan.




That's a Scooby Doo situation.




You'll pull back.


Did you read his books?


Scooby Doo?


No. Teapock Chopra. Yes. Scooby Doo has a couple. What was yaba daba?


Oh, my God.


Wrong dog.


Wrong dog. Wait, what was I even doing? I didn't know what. See, I started doing Scooby Doo, but then I forgot what you did.


Fred Flintstone.


I forgot what he says, so I was going to go Robert Daba Doo.


Oh, my God. There's not enough space in my heart.


That is so bad. That's my bit. To do what?


Robert Abadoo.


That's my bit.


I stole your bit.


Rob a dabadoo, dude. That's me. Better. Know better.


Sorry about that.


You know what you sound like? What's not Scooby Doo? That's like Scooby Doo's nemesis, raw Dog.


Oh, a less popular cartoon for some reason.


Yeah, raw dog.


Can you imagine a true animated series called Raw Dog?


Oh, my God.


It's like a crime fighting, crime solving dog.


And his arch nemesis is a condom.


King Cooper for Mario Brothers.


Dr. Condom. Yeah, I'm going to cover you up.




And raw Dogg's like, I'm trying to fuck shit up in this city.


Wait, raw Dog's not a dog.


Oh, he is, but he talks.


Oh, I didn't know. Okay, clearly. Yeah. Okay.


You just talked yourself out of an EP credit.


I'm sorry. We were producing this thing. My bad.


I am.


You always got to be thinking of show.


I just.




You know what?


That was Dr. Phil ghost.






We have a ghost.




I don't know if I can handle that.


There was a young, small gentleman who used to be on the show, and he passed away live in the studio. He used to drink wine often on here, and he passed away in the studio, and that was a little ghost of him trying to rest his little head on one of those and popped it.


How big is his fucking head?


It's pretty tiny. Okay, but you want to say anything to the afterlife, he's in the room right now.


Well, I've read a bunch of things on how to get rid of ghosts, and they actually say you're supposed to ask the ghost if they know they're dead or not, which to me feels counterproductive. Hey, you guys are fucking dead. You know that? And then they're like, yeah, but they can't talk back because they are dead. Do you get what I'm getting at?


No, absolutely not. No, I honestly don't.


Okay, well, let me just. Hey, little boy. Your balloon charade scared the fuck out of me. But I get it, and I get what you're doing, and I get why you're doing it, but I want to know if you could come back here and be back on the show. Bad friends. What would you do? What would you add? My email is at




Hey, Phil, fill it up.


Did I stutter?


You said at phil.


Oh, at Phil. Fill it up.


Fill it up.


Are you talking to, like, a gas station attendant?


It's, hey, Phil, fill it up.


Fill it up. I got it.


F-I-L-L for fill it up or P-H-I-P-H-I.


Okay, so hold on 1 second.


One of my first jobs was let's.


Be quiet and let's see if he'll answer your question.


I love that.


Ready? Be quiet. Go ahead.


Robert Abadu, why'd you look at me? I had to do something. No, I thought it was like you're looking was a callback loop.


No, it was. It was perfect.


Yes. Okay.


Fancy would just add in doc's voice being, oh, in the.


Yeah, that's good.


The rabbadab is even better.


I'd love to be just a fly on the wall inside your brain as that phrase was getting constructed. Yeah, as you would go, I'm saying, yeah, but dabba do again, or whatever the fuck you said.


Jesse, what are your New Year's resolutions?


Honestly? Funny. No, honestly, I stopped smoking cigarettes.


Okay. And then funny, probably smoke more cigarettes.


Smoke heroin. I've never done it, but I'm a trumpet player and I think it would elevate me to the next level.


Now, is the trumpet known for being, like, conducive for drug abuse?


Hell, yeah. You ever heard Miles Davis?


Come on, dude.


What did he do?


Bertha cool.


Yeah, but what was he sucking on? Sipping on.


He was probably sucking too. He's on heroin. He did hookers. This might be a good segue into my hooker.


Really good movie.


That's right.


It's pretty woman meets nine nights.


Oh, I like to talk about my real addictions. No.


Well, can we get. Hold on. Do you really think. This is a very interesting question. Do you think that the influence of drugs elevated artists more than they would have ever been without it? The reason I asked this is because I saw a video an hour ago of Bradley Knowles son performing, and he sounds exactly like him. And I literally was eating, thinking, I wonder if this kid sober is as talented as his dad was.


I don't know, sublime. Oh, yeah. Yeah.


Well, let me ask you this. Could he imitate his dad if his dad never did the drugs?


That's what I'm saying. So it is the drugs, isn't it? That's my point. As I kept eating, being like, it's got to be the drugs.


Yeah, we should do some drugs right now.


I am down. I told you that I'm down, dude. Jacob Knoll. Is that his name?




There was a video that was viral on the Internet of him singing at a bar somewhere, and it sounded exactly like. Dude. It was, like, shocking how close it was.


Well, weren't the Beatles all on Crystal meth?






You're thinking of someone.


Yeah, I'm thinking of someone.


You're thinking of Twisted sister.


There it is.




Also a great band.


What was the twisted sister song? He had one good song, right?


He sung Twisted sister.


What's the big hit of twisted sister?


All you need is love.




Yeah, that's the beatles.


What the fuck?


No, it was. Hold my hand.


No, what was it?


It was a safety dance.


No, what was the twisted sister main song? Their number one.


Girls rock the boys.


Yeah, girl, come on.


I feel the noise.


Girls rock the boys we'll get.


You. Do it like my mom. Where you guess you know it phonetically, but you're guessing.


Yeah. I don't know the lyrics.


Fuck us. You are like what an asian kid does when a band comes to their.


Yeah. You know what I love is, like, Afghanistan. I saw this one Afghanistan guy or some guy. Middle eastern guy. Sure. No, and he was, like, singing a song, an american song, but he was just making up the lyrics. But he sounded.


Oh, I saw that guy on.


I've seen. I like when that happens.


Yeah. Because phonetically, I don't know who said that. Maybe. I think I remember watching an interview with. What's the kid's name? Brandon from Incubus. He said it was wild. We would go to Japan, and they would phonetically know word for word.


Let me song with gibberish English.


Okay, well, you have to have a root song and then do.


No, I just make up a song, too.


Okay, great. Do it.


Hey, Kelly Town. I don't care about silly rolling around and going down in the battles. Down.


You sound like a deaf person. Like a deaf girl imitating.


There's no way that singer can hear.


I fucked it up.


Turn it up in my headphones. That's what that's.


You try one. You try one.


That's hard. Okay.


No English, but it's got to sound like english gas. That's good.


Guns. Don't get it fast.


Also deaf sounding.


I know. They all sound deaf.


I would love to hear a hootie and the blowfish cover of that.




A lot of hootie. The blowfish songs kind of sound like that. Hootie sounds like hootie.


And red hot chili peppers.


Stone tubble pilots could be kind of spin doctors right in the same.


Everyone heard it. Come on.


All right, Jess, let's hear you do a song that has no english on it. No rhythm we've heard before.


No rhythm you've heard before?


Well, we just did two songs that you've never heard before.


You didn't hear those, but I'd like to.


Be beloved.


Oh, I like that.


Yeah. Very Pearl Jammy. That was very Pearl Jammy.


All right, D Phil, you're up. Me any me audition. One of my test auditions for SNL was on the original tape. I didn't do it live. Was Michael McDonald ordering at McDonald's?


Very funny.


Do the bet.


Can we hear it?


I'll have a number one without cheese, please. Didn't end up doing it live, but I put it on the original tape because I thought it was ridiculously stupid. Michael McDonald ordering McDonald's.


Hold the pickles, please.


Hold the pickles, please. Hold the pickles, please.


That's a great bit.


Yeah, well, they were like, don't do that live.


Now. Did you purposely want to sing because there's always a singer on the show?


Yeah, no, I just thought it was a really. I was high and I thought of it.


Can I tell you a character I did for my tv audition?




I didn't know how to do impressions.


Still don't I know.


Yeah, we saw your Scooby.




Do your scooby doo again.


Scooby Goobie.


That's deaf.


Deaf. Scooby.


Hearing impaired.


Scooby doobago. Okay. Still deaf.


Joined Scoob.


Is that Def Shaggy?


Yeah, Def Shaggy.


Yeah, Def Shaggy.


Pretty good. Great rap.


So they go, we need three impressions from you. And I was like, I don't know how to do it in my mind. Right. Yeah. So I thought, number one, this is how clever I am, right? I go, I want to do impressions of people that they don't know what they sound like.




Yeah. So I did. So I just saw this interview with Chaoyan fat. He was on e. And I would explain this to the producers when I auditioned. I go, every three lines, he would change his position. So you know how they overpronunciate. Hello, my name is. I mean. And I would start like this, right? And every three lines I would change. But by the end of the auditions, I was on my head in the corner of the room, backwards.


Oh, my God.


I did the interview like that. And it crushed. So I decided to just figure out what the sketch was.






And let that be the thing that's got to be funny rather than the impression.




Thank you, Zach. Knock Zockdock. You guys, Zockdoc is my favorite thing in the whole world because I'm getting older and I get little aches and pains.


You get a lot of aches.


And I go to Zocdoc, the app, and I try to find the right doctor, and it's the best they have. Reviews?


Yeah, you can find patient reviews. Real people have reviewed these doctors. I used Docdoc for the first time when I moved to the new neighborhood because I didn't know where to get a doctor or who to turn to. And I asked a couple of friends, and to be quite honest, I was like, I'd rather just do my own research on Zocdoc. You can find a book, doctors that make you feel comfortable and actually going to listen to you. And we're not talking about a few talking tens of thousands of doctors, all with verified patient reviews. You can make sure that it's all good before you go see your brand new doc. Yeah.


Once you find a doc that you want, you can book them immediately. No more waiting awkwardly on hold with a receptionist. And these docs all have verified reviews from actual real patients.


And by the way, the time it takes to see a doctor booked on Zocdoc is anywhere between 24 to 72 hours. That's all it is. I mean, a lot of times it takes so much longer to find one on your own. You can even score same day appointments if you're on the hunt and need that. Very bad. Zocdoc is so convenient, it's ridiculous.


That's all you need to do. Go to bad friends and download the Zocdoc app for free. Then find and book a top rated doctor. Today.


That's, bad friends,, bad friends rocket money.


You guys, I have so many subscriptions, too many that I'm not even aware of, right. From games to streaming services apps. But my point is that you have so much. So if I asked you how many subscriptions you have, would you be able to list them all and how much you paid?


No chance.


If you asked me this question before I started using rocket money, I would have to say yes. But let me tell you, I would have been so wrong. I can't believe how many I had all that money.


I was wasting all that money you were wasting. And here's the deal. Finally, through Rocket money, is able to save a pretty fair amount of money. Their average they save is $720 a year. That's remarkable how many people are wasting money on stuff that they'll never need or never use. And I've signed up for many, many apps that thankfully, rocket money said, are you still using this? And I was like, I don't even know what that is. It was like a sneaker club that I no idea I was using.


Rocket money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills.


Rocket money has over 5 billion users and has helped save its members an average of $720 a year with over 500 million in canceled subscriptions. That's amazing.


Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your own one of subscriptions by going to slash bad friends.


That's slash bad friends. slash bad friends.


Then you did Connie Chung.


I didn't audition with them. They made me.


Did you ever meet her in real life, Dr. Phil?


Oh, I've met Connie Chung and Michael Chang. The tennis player?




Every sort of Chung Chang combination.


I've met maybe all the chinese people you've met.


Okay, boy, what are we, 20 minutes in? I thought you were going to ask me that from the get go. Michael Chang.




Jackie Chan.


Check. Yeah.


Jet Lee.




Who was the other one? I said Connie Chung.




And then Connie had a whole family with her, right? So I met all them. One of the most underestimated of the Chung family.


Ariana. Ariana Chung?


Ariana Grande?


No, Chung.


Her last name is Chung.


Oh, it is.


I didn't know.


You don't spend a lot of time online, do you? There's also.




Help me out.


Andrew won't do it.


Okay, fair enough. The guy from teenage mutant Ninja Turtles, two secret of the oohs.




He played Keno.


Splinter Lee.


Remember the guy? Well, splinter Lee. Yeah, but then Keno. Remember the pizza delivery guy?


Oh, yeah, Keno. Yeah, Keno.


I think he was in three ninjas.


He was in three ninjas. How about the guy that.


How about the rufio?




Oh, yeah. James, Cass and Lee from heroes. Quite a few.


What about the guy in Kang in the action series Mortal Kombat?




Liu Kang. You met him.


That might be the one that I've yet to get a face to face with.


Chung li. You know Chung Li from street fighter? Yeah.


Oh, yeah. I've fucked a couple of Chung Lee's on my.






Well, this is college. Pre college.


Where'd you go to school?




You went to Tulane University?


I'm pretty sure, yeah.


Okay, well, what'd you study there?








I wanted to go to your Wikipedia page to find out how much you know about.


Well, it's not up to.






Hold on 1 second. Let's get this.


And by biochemist, I meant know radio and television. No communications.


There you are, dude. What a nice photo.


So zoom in, please. On college career, go to college.


Born Oklahoma. I think it was Missouri State I tried to get into, but the program there, the Mississippi state, Midwestern, is where I ended up.


You went to Shawnee Mission North High in overland Park, Kansas. Then you played linebacker. High school.


That's correct.


You went to University of Tulsa. You were in a football scholarship.


You failed to mention, you know, tomato, tomato, Ray.


No way off. Not even close.




And then it said you transferred to Midwestern State University in Wichita Falls, Texas.


That I remember. You do look when you do so much cool shit.


Yeah, right?


You just forget. What? Did you know I got two for my pimps and six for my hoes or something?




Well, Andrew, you get it. I mean, you probably don't even think about when you were on the office because you've done so much cool shit since.


No, I think about it. I fucked that up pretty bad.


Well, that was one of my favorite episodes.


Really, Dr. Phil?


Well, just because I've always wanted to get on a boat and travel the world, and I've never done it. And that episode, if we can cut to it, was.


We can't.


I'll explain it. There was you on a boat. Ned Helms was taken off for Florida, I believe, and you were giving him the boat. And you had a sweater. A boat sweater.


That's right.


And I just got real jealous because I've always wanted to hop on a boat.


Dr. Phil, you can afford to be on a boat. I think you're very well off.


Yeah, but not the type that Ed Helms was in the office. Like a little fisherman's boat. I can't afford that.


Well, look at this. That the Internet says your net worth is $460,000,000.




It's a bit low. Yeah. If I buy you a boat. Is that weird?


Literally a boatload of money.


Let's go. Some laughter.


Dr. Phil, you've accumulated an absurd amount of money.


Yeah, it's crazy.


What are you doing for your community?


I was told there'd be no charitable question inquiries, but I'll tell you, there's an orphanage called loving hands that I just donated some funds to.


Really? Is that the catholic priesthood? What is that?


No, it's kids that are tossed to the side or babies that are born, but the parents are know. We got to go to Denny's. We can't be a dad. So they drop the kid off, and then loving hands picks him up.


Okay. I actually want to approach something real fast with this guy. There's some controversy that we want to go over right now, if you don't mind, Dr. Phil.




In February of last year, a dozen current and former employees of your show alleged that they had experience verbal abuse in a workplace that fosters fear, intimidation, and racism. Seven employees currently still claim that the show guests often manipulated and were treated unethically. Attorneys for you, Dr. Phil, and your co producer, Carla Pinkerton, they categorically denied every allegation. However, I feel like you've had some hush money paid out.


Well, I prepared a statement.


Oh, thank you.


In response to the recent allegations, I'd just like to say. And you sound like a bunch of pussy ass losers.




You wrote that down?


Typed it.






Now, can I also ask you, in 2016, you and your wife filed a $250,000,000 defamation law.


They saw lawsuit.


Yeah. And what ended up happening with that?


You've been to court?




You ever seen Amir K's traffic court bit?


Such a good bit.


One of my favorite bits about traffic, I think that day was just Amir K. No, I said circle k, the gas station. What are you doing? Your deaf comic bit again?


Oh, my God, dude, this guy's ripping you. You need to take a time out.


I apologize. Hey, can I be honest? I drank a four loco in the car.


That really pissed me off.


Yeah, I know that.


You know what I feel like? I feel like trying to come hard in the paint at a diner, and you're just not having it.


Yeah, because you're buying. We're going to blank that name out, by the way.


Yeah. Okay, let's move on.


Amir K. The court bit. I love the court bit. But what I hate about court is that you're there for something important, and I didn't want to be so. Andrew.


Sorry, dude.


That lawsuit was a real pain in my toes.


Okay, so you know what? I don't want to bring that up anymore.


It's fine.


I apologize. But I will say you made bad baby famous. Right? That's like on.


Not on purpose either, but it was inevitable. Certain people have star quality jet ski. Yeah, let's talk about it. To my right, there's a star shining and you can see it and you understand it and you want it to shine bad, baby. No one had any intention of seeing her fly up into the sky. And I apologize for rhyming so quickly, but I think that what she's doing is impressive. And I stand by the choices she made. Yeah, she came on my show and I'll be honest with you, Andrew and Bobby, when she first opened her mouth, all I could think in my head was, shut your fucking dumb mouth, you stinky.


Then that's a little aggressive, Dr. Phillips.




But then she spoke and I go, I get it.


You knew, right?


No, I could tell. You could tell because the attitude was real and the character was relatable. Kind of like Theo Vaughn. We'll blur that name.


No, we don't have to blur that.


How about we blank off the Theo and see if people can guess what Vaughn, we're talking.


I bet they will.


Can we switch a little bit? I want to ask about your show real quick, please. May I?


Yeah, please. You guys were guests and phenomenal. Appreciate you.


Okay. Anyway, a lot of times I see on your show you have people with phobias. What's the craziest phobia you saw on your show?


Very good.


Well, arachnophobia is a big one.


Fear of spiders.




That's not really a big.


Yeah, yeah. I've seen, like, cucumbers. People are afraid of cucumbers.


Well, let me finish. In the jewish community.


Yeah, careful, Dr. Phil, when you see done it all.


When you say spiders, do you mean hamas?


Is that what you're talking about?


Well, now that we're here.


Yeah. Oh, wow.


Let me just back that up and put it in reverse.


You could keep that in because I'm not saying.


Oh, yeah, no, we're keeping it in. My lawyers already draft up a whole thing about this.




The biggest phobia I saw was the fear of public speaking. Okay, I get that, but the biggest fear was fear of sexual intimacy.


Okay, still not weird, but.


Well, I've seen other shows, you'd seen people. Okay, let me finish with her. Mafordites. So hermaphrodite intimacy. Who's playing coachella? I think next year.


No, no, second night this year.


Second night.


They're doing the hologram thing with Tupac. Fear of just sexual touching and then fear of gas stations. You ever seen strange addiction on a e where, like, a girl will be like, I can't start my day on that.


I eat a bar of soap, and.


You'Re like, well, I feel bad for you, but also gross.






So we just try to deal with it as it comes. But phobias are. Everyone's got a phobia of something.


What's your phobia, Phil?


Well, ghosts who pop balloons. Unexpected big fear.


I heard you say black people.


Yeah, but that was a joke.






What's your real fear, Dr. Phil? I want to break you down. What is genuinely the thing that shakes you? What really gets under your skin?


You're playing a pickup game at 24 hours fitness.


Basketball. Yeah.


Oh, yeah. And someone's talking a little bit too much shit, and they can't back it up. So you dig deep, right? You stretch a little bit extra, and you throw a couple of bows. You drop a little Charles Oakley on them, but sometimes that doesn't go your way, and they ban you from that 24 hours fitness.


That's your fear.


Well, I'm getting to it.




Fear is not being able to control my anger.


Oh, okay. Against certain kinds of people.


That's not what I'm saying.


Well, it did sound like it.


Well, okay, look. Most of the pickup games are featuring less than white characters.


Dr. Phil. You can just say I'm racist. Say that.


I won't say it.




I won't say it because Oprah will be mad.




I've been with everybody, and I think once you experience everybody, you get to know, truly, that this country is made up of a cool species of people.




I'm listening. Actively.


Let me ask you. I want to see if you're the real Dr. Phil. There was a comedian that taught you how to play tennis. Yeah. Who was that comedian's name?


Taught him. Is that true?


Oh, Kirk Fox.




Want to see my Kirk Fox impression?


Yeah. You do know him.


Very good.


Very good. You do know him.


We're all just doing it. Eor took us. Took it again.


Very good.


What Mitchie wanted. But I don't do impressions actively.


Seems like you do.


But I taught Kirk tennis. He's got a good forehand. Backhand could use some work.


You taught him tennis?


Oh, yeah.


I thought he taught, you know, he was like a professional.


Kirk's going around telling everybody that he taught me. Okay. And I don't want to say I write a lot of his material, because I don't, but I have influenced some punchlines.




You guys know what it's like when you're hanging out, busting balls. Someone says something funny, and they go, you're going to use that?


You do that with him?


I don't have to, but I do it.


What's Dr. Phil's favorite meal?


Swimming after breakfast because it challenges my body to step up.






You don't have a great body, Dr. Phil.


It's not where I want it to be. But 2024 is coming up, and I'm looking to, I don't know, get a stairstepper or a trainer or Zenpic.


Oh, you're going to get on the Oz?


Is that what the kids are calling it?


Yeah. And you should know that for your show.




I'd suck on Dorothy's titties.


Well, I can take you down that yellow brick road. Your friend Oprah revealed. She was.


I saw that, yeah.


Now, is this why you got influenced to do it? Because the big o did it?


Well, I prepared a statement. So, Oprah, as you said recently on the Oz, is that all written on.


One paper, or is this.


Yeah, I prepared a lot of statements.


All right.


It's size eight. Courier New.


You're a courier new guy. I look at you, I think wing dings all day.


Now, which one is that again? Because it's been a minute since I've written a paper.


It's all the great that's winged, Dr. Phil. Get it together, bud.


Right? So a lot of heat is coming towards my pal Oprah. They go, hey, you were bigger, and now you're not. What'd you do? Well, in her know, food has been an issue for quite some time, as it has been for me as well. One night in particular, I think it was 1996, and I just gotten some sort of an award, and we were getting a little stony blonium dipping gushers into cool whip. I digress. But I think that that night told us a lot about ourselves, that we have a sugar addiction. So leave her the fuck alone.


Wow, I'm glad you write this stuff down.


There we are toasting. I think that's when. I think.


I just.


I don't know, dad. My pubes or was toast. Oh, that was when the book came out.


I will say that's a very relatable thing to drink, Chris Doll. I think most Americans.


That picture was not staged.


I would say most Americans want to see you in Louboutin shoes. Cheers. In crystal. You want to get back to your roots, relate to the people. You got to wear $5,000 shoes, drinking. Drinking $2,000 champagne. We're of the people. Dr. Phil. We're people people.


That's a good Oprah.


We're people people.


Yeah, she says that a lot.


We're people.


We're people people.


Well, I love the big op because she's Chicago. She represents my city.


I love that. Now, was she going to an Oprah taping? Seems like almost like a mad tv taping from the 90s energy.


I was on that show.


I know. That's why I brought it up.


Yeah, let's not go back to it.




I went to Jerry Springer when I was in high school.


Did you really?




That's awesome.


On senior ditch day?


Are you fucking kidding me?


I swear to God, on senior ditch day. That's where we went.




We went to Jerry Springer downtown.


A, he was a legend, and b, the audience must have been Banana City. We'll be right back. Keep her right here.


No. Yeah, I went to Jerry Springer. I don't know why we haven't talked about this. For my senior ditch day, I didn't know that. It was fucking the most fun I think I've ever had.


Was there violence that day?


I bet you can guess the category of what it was that day.


Baby's mama.


Baby's mama was the first one. What do you think the second one was?


Animal attack video?


No, but that's very good. I wish we got an animal.


So, baby's mama and then who's the daddy? Oh, who's the daddy?


So the category was called the baby mama. That was the first one. What's the second one called?


Was it rebellious kid?


No, not rebellious teen.


Those are great when they get scared straight. You see the one where the guy's like, fuck you. And then the kid's like. He's like, where's your dad? And he's like. And then he's like, you want me to be your dad? And then the kid's like, I've never seen that one. Oh, it's fucking sad.


I like it when the kids, though, double down.


I love that.


Fuck you, bitch.


Yeah, I love that.


You got to go.


Don't tell me what to do.


And then they never get kicked out of the house. They win.


And then. I love it then sometimes they send them to scared straight. Remember that tv show? Yeah, where they put them in a prison?


I didn't went to one.


You went to scared straight?


No, mine was in the forest.


Are you serious?


Scared gay.


What was that?


Come here. Behind this tree.


No, mine was. You have to walk from mammoth to yosemite and back.


You did not do that I did. You did not.


No way you completed that task.


I did. It was twelve rebellious kids. I did it. I did it. My junior sophomore year in high school.


You walked from mammoth.


Not in a day. Like, it took weeks and weeks.


Where did you stay at night?


In a tent.


You did this?




How the fuck have we never talked about this?


It's not something I want to talk about.


I want to talk about it.


I was always the last guy. I remember going, catch up, Lee.


Dude, that entire walk would take. How long did it say?


14 hours.


14 foot fucking hours.


Did you take weeks? Would you guys go there and back?


Would you do a mile a day?


No, we would camp and they would talk to us about rocks.


Okay, this sounds made up. Did you learn anything?


No, but I remember sound like it. But I won the talent show.


What was the talent?


I sang a song called Edie Amin.


Sing it right now.


I don't remember the song, but I made up a song. I go, Ed mean dun dun dun dun. Do you know what I mean? Something like that.


Are you serious?


And all the guys were like, yeah.


That won it.


Won it.


Did no one else do anything?


Fuck you, dude.


No, I mean that.


Fuck you.


You're very talented.


Fuck you.


That's not it.


Yes, it is it.


No, that's not good.


I performed it.


Somebody must have done something.


I went out there, I did it.


Dude, did you give a pube shot?


No. Back then you couldn't do that.




It was against the rules. But you walk from your. And I remember jumping in a lake on a cliff.


What lake?


I don't remember.


Well, zoom in. There's one right there.


I'm going to say this, too. I have photos to prove it at home next week.


You're bringing a will.


I have photos to prove it. What Lake? Grant Lake would have been the one he passed.


Grant Lake jumped in?




How was it?


I remember being cold, but I remember doing it. And I remember being proud of myself.


Did nobody else do it?


Everyone did it. We were all meth kids.


Right? Wow, the great meth hike from Yosef.




By the way, a real meth head would have done it in a day.


But it was like a scared straight kind of a program. And I came back, I remember going, yeah, I'm going to do more meth. It didn't work. Yeah.


It's almost like when the dare officer tells the kids about drugs and he just gets them fired up to taste them.




They bring in bongs. I thought that was so funny.


They were like, they blow the smoke in your face.


These. And you would absolutely want to use that.


They show how fun it is to take a bong rip.


Dr. Phil, you smoke pot?


Oh, all the time. I have another all day, every day, snoop style.


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I chew, chew, chew, chew, right? And I wait and wait a little.


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I think that there is something about your journey, though, that I dig.


What? Well, I went to another rehab in Oceanside. I met this girl, right? And this is why I relapsed. No, I relapsed. So I met this girl at rehab and I remember she lived in vista, right? And we were about to go to a meeting and she goes, let me try something on you. I go, okay. And she put my body in between her legs and she squeezed what came out of you nothing.


Not toothpaste.


No, nothing. Dude.


Yeah, that's why you.


Red bean paste. Red bean paste. No, nothing. And no, that's not what it was, because I was on the wrestling team. So I go, let me try. She goes, okay. And I locked it in and I squeezed, and she almost died.


You almost killed?


She couldn't breathe.


So then you did heroin again?


No. And then I remember her crying, going, well, could you do it so hard?


That's a fair.


She had done it to me. And then I went on relapse.




Do you know what I mean?


Winner of all talent shows, my friend.


Yeah, you.


There had to be somebody else competing against you in that town. Did anybody do, like, a Michael Clark Duncan or a Terry Chavez that wasn't.


Around in the 80s? Fuck face.




Impressions weren't no Michael Clark Duncan.


All right.


I did a movie with him, my very first movie.


What was it called?


It was called underground comedy movie.


Fuck, yeah.


So underground.


So underground.


Put Bobby Lee underground comedy movie right there.


Oh, the Shamwell guy was in it?


No, he was the main guy. So put Bobby Lee in there. You'll see what I did. I played the most racist fucking part. Yeah. Who watch. Am I in there? No.


They cut you out of the poster.


Yeah, they probably cut me out anyway. I was in that.


Dr. Phil, there's a lot of non comedians that are going to be in this year's Netflix is a joke festival I've been seeing online. Are you going to make an appearance, by any chance?


I think so. I think we locked in a show for may the 6th.




Are you in one? No, I wasn't either.


No, I'm not in one. I did see Tom Brady is doing.


It, which, of course, that makes a lot.


Makes perfect sense, because when I think.


Of comedy, especially sushi mama.


Your name was Sushi mama?


Oh, my God. That's incredible.


Well, we're buying that shirt.


Yeah. Look at that shirt, dude. It's in stock.


That's awesome.


It's in stock. No shit, Carlos. $220.


No shit. Go buy it.


I'm buying one. In fact, I'll buy one for you.


Dr. Phil. Give him your credit card. He's going to buy it right now.


Yeah, we could do it later.


We could do it later or. I don't mind. I'm in the first time I've taken my wallet out.


I just figured 460,000,000. That's not a big deal. Dude, that is fucking wild. Sushi mama is definitely a band.


You think it is sushi mama?


Yeah, we should start a band called Sushi Mama.


Surf Rock.




Dude, was that like a hidden gem character? You know what saying, like a fan favorite?


No, what they did was. I remember I was at the La Jolla comedy store. I was in the open mic shout out, and fucking Shamwell guy comes up to me. Vince.


Yep. And what'd he say?


He goes, yo, I'm the shamo guy. Jesus. And it was like the first celebrity ever, so I froze.


Yeah, I missed that spiky hair. That's when I first got wind of you.


Really? Back in the day.


Oh, yeah, you got those headshots with the spiky hair and the shirt.


Yeah. Yeah, dog.


I bought that same shirt just because I loved that headshot so much.


Okay, good.


I'm a big fan of yours too. My headshots are boring.


I'm just Kirk Fox Phil's headshots. I want to see what some of your good headshots are.


They're all normal. I'll go through the faces.


Ready? Yeah.


This is me being like, okay, what's that face? Who touched you?


Oh, that's it.


What's this face?


It was this one I touched.


You make my mustache fall off, Bobby.


All right, let's take turns. So then, Jess, you do the next one.


It's a fun game. It's a fun game.


I just farted.


Yes, it is.


Very good.


Let's see. No, for real. I did just fart.


Now my question is, where do you think I farted it? Like, what room?


Oh, I thought you meant guess the fart.


I know this one. I farted too much.


No shit.


There's a little poo.


That's the face of a guy who's about to shit his pants on the 405.




And this one.


Oh, what's this one?


That one's. I'm about to fart.


I'm about to fart.


About to fart. They're all pre and post fart.


And that one is, you know what I did? That's what my dog looks like after.


You know what that is? That's when I'm driving to the Laker game and you're in shotgun. And I get out first after I've let one rip, and I look at the valet guy and I go, keep that photo.


Can you do that?




That face.


Well, now, seeing it from your vantage point, this is terrifying.


Let me see if I get.


Somehow you always go cross eyed.


It is a little.




I am a little cockeyed if it's.


Your eyes, but you go cross eyed. When you do faces like that.


That's so fucking racist.


Look at me and no, it's not.


It's do it big. You go cross side.


Yeah, you do.


Yeah, the right one's in.


I have that headshot too.


Whoa, dude.


I don't think you guys were made to imitate, like, the machine mouth.


Let me see if I can't. Let me see if I can keep them straight.


I'll do the noise.


Well, you're doing it again.


That's better. Creepy, though.


Oh, it hurts so bad.


But they're moving so much.


Yeah, I'm controlling it.


Asian eyes are not supposed to do facial expression, right? Because look at this. Like your mom, like this. If I say to your mom, somebody died, her facial expression would be, what? Okay.


I don't know what kind of game we're playing.


You would have no expression.


Oh, she would go, okay, ready?


Somebody died. I just got a big promotion.


That's what you're saying.


Mom, I'm gay.


Yeah, that's great.


Do you think when the two bombs dropped there was facial expense? Probably.


No, they were just.


Oh, my God.


Atomic bomb. Yeah.


Can you imagine?


That's right. In Godzilla minus one. I saw them running. They were like, wait a minute. What do you think?


Scarier? Godzilla or a bomb?


Godzilla with a bomb. Godzilla is a bomb.


Because about watching Godzilla bomb at the.


Is his new shit is pretty good.


Can you imagine? We got earthquake. What if a comedian came out and was like, my name's Godzilla. Could you do that?


Well, more elements would be if we had another comedian that was like Tornado.


Well, we had Chinaman.


Oh, yeah, who's that?


Mark Britton.


His name was Chinaman.


Yeah. So years ago I was in Texas.


Does this story get better?


Yeah, it does. It does. So Mark Britton. What was his name? Chinaman.


Oh, I remember this.


Yeah. Yeah.


His name was Chinaman.


That's him. He's half asian. His name was Bark Britain.


Can we get this guy on this?


Can I say something? Let me say something about Mark, please. Okay. He taught Pablo Francisco how to do impressions.


No way.


Yes. This guy is the best impressions you'll ever see.


The movie trailer voice is probably.


Yeah. From him. Right. Number two. Right. He would sell out every fucking show in Texas. Sure.


I don't doubt it.


And number three, he came up to me once and he goes, yeah, man, I don't know. I can't get anything going in Hollywood. And I go, maybe because your name is Chinaman.


What is the name of his album?


Because, you know, now he changed his name.


To guess what his name is. Kid walk.


Kid walk.


Wait. Look at his website.




You're giddy.


Ww. is where you find his work.


That's a very funny website. Miso. Misofunny. Very good. Kid walk.




Kid walk funny.


But Chinaman was. And he was solid. But he wasn't even full asian. That was what's crazy.


Well, but half used to get the.


Hottest chicks, too, back in the 90s.


Do you think it was the goatee? Or one of them, at least?


He's so funny.


This guy sucked him off. Two girls in San Jose that had been with Polly Shore. They had nothing but great things to say.




And I got to be honest, I was a little jealous.


Of the girls or Polly?


Maybe a little bit of both.




Because I've never hooked up with a celebrity.


You are a celebrity. Have you ever jerked off today? Have you jerked off?


I mean, I don't like to say it's a problem, but. It's not an issue.


Do you need to tell us something? All right.


I jerk off a lot. I don't know.


What do you jerk off, too?






Can we guess?




I got no shame.


It's classical.




Sometimes, but not usually.






That's what you jerk off to.




Don't act so surprised.


No, we're not. It's fine. It's cool.


Yeah. I don't know. It's the contrast. Some people like a little bit of lotion. I'm more of a soap guy.


I thought you were Bruce Hornsby.


That's just the way it is.




Where's that guy?


Love that song, though. Love it just the way it is. What was the lyrics in the beginning?


Same time. Waiting for the marriage.


Yeah. Some sad shit. Like working class work shit. And then. That's just the way it is.


I think it was like.




Wait, like nine to five abortion time or something.


Yeah. Nine to five abortion.


But he played the piano with such.


Dad just died.


It got dark real quick.


Yeah, it got real quick.


That's just the way it is.


And then you're listening, going, I guess.


It is the way it is. I guess I have to suck it up.




And then the sweet piano would make you forget about your. I guess I can get a job, right? Oh, you can't.


You know another song? That fast car by fucking what's her name?


Tupac then used that song, by the way, and made it amazing.


What, fast car?


No, that's just the way it is. Oh, it is.


Yeah. Fast car is another depressing song from Tracy.


You got a.




You just hit my fucking heart this night.


You know what Bobby's jacking off to tonight?


Yeah. Wow.


You're two for two. And I might be going on tour.


What's that song about fast car? It's about her dad something, right? Her dad has diabetes or something, right? Yeah, he's legless.




Where is she going to in that fast car?


She wants to go somewhere with her man.


A combination. KFC. Taco Bell.




Speaking fast car.




We got to go to KFC. And you want Taco Bell?




I want my mashed potatoes and a go dita see? Go dita.




There it is.




There it is.


I once stayed at the Taco Bell Hotel, everybody.


But how was the Taco Bell Hotel?


Diarrhea City.




Everyone was shitting themselves.


Yeah. So my standup, I had a stand up joke about Bell, KFC. Okay, what was it, the punchline, though.


What was it?


It's hard to decide when you go to those things, like, how bad do I want my diarrhea?


Oh, funny. You can have it.


No, I already did it.


I've been doing.


That. Was in the 90s.


Well, I shot a special on Vimeo.


Did you really?


Yeah, but I'll send you the link. But it's not worth watching twice anyway.


Yeah. KFC and Taco Bell. What a combination. What other combination do you wish were out there?


Oh, really? That's nice.


What do you wish?


How about just, like, two? Okay, so about this Tommy burger.




Jamba juice.




That's really good.


Why would I say that? Because Tommy always fucks up your stomach with the chili.




You know what I mean? But then you're like, oh, I'll have some wheatgrass, level you out level me.


Ginger shot?


Yeah, like, ginger shot.


Empty everything.


Yeah. What is another good combination?


What's a good combination?


In and out and orange Julius.




Well, the inn out burger is going to treat you right, Dairy Queen style. But also hot eats. Cool treats are coming up inside. You drop down a nice little Julius on top.


Okay, good. Very good.


Circle gets square.


Circle gets.


Yeah, but I think that. Yeah, it's a sweet on sweet that I like, Jess.


I'd probably do, like, a jack in the box with a. Ooh.




Very smart.


Just because I get, like, so much from Jack in the can't. I can't help myself because I'll get the tacos, the jalapeno sourdough. Jack.


How about an egg roll.


Sometimes an egg roll too.


Maybe a chicken teriyaki bowl if you're getting frisky.


I've never got. They have that at Jack. They have everything.


They have everything.


And they have everything at cvs to.


Cure everything that you. And more beverages, too.


You can get a Gatorade zero to CVS.




And you guys ever like on your period and then you have to get fast food and then you have to go to the.


I know what that's like. Yeah, I know what that's like. I would want to combine firehouse subs.


Oh, good fucking call.


You know firehouse subs? I love them. Yeah, firehouse subs and a been. I have to change my fucking oil and I just can't get there. But if you put it near in a combination of firehouse subs because I'm going to eat lunch. But how often can I go fucking to autozone to change my oil? That's nuts. I need oil in my car. Haven't been there. It's been beeping at me for a month and a half. Put them together. I'll fucking do that. Let me get a fucking turkey avocado. I'll get some oil then.


That's a really good idea because Autozone doesn't have snacks.


No, there's no snacks there. Yeah, but they have a lot of things that you need for your vehicle.


But not for your vehicle.


Thank you. We'll be right back.


Yeah. Okay.


I pointed at you to do it.


We're going to keep it right here because I do have something to say about that. Bless you. Is that chickenpox or monkeypox?


I don't know. You're the doctor.


I have a statement prepared. Jess, your sarcasm has been an issue lately.




Is that sharkasm?




Oh, sharkasm.


It's when you're like, I didn't shoot my parents. But you did.


Yeah, you did.


You know what you did and who you are. Bobby, what's in that pen?


Oh, no. He's going to have an intervention on you right now.


No judgment. Yeah, just curious. Okay, what's in the pen?


It's called a jewel and it's like a tobacco flavored vape.


All good, all good. What flavor is it?


I just. Tobacco.


Like a strawberry or a cheesecake?


Tobacco, man.


Okay. And when you suck on it.


Okay. Where are you going? Where are we going?


Dude, you need it.


I don't need it.


Okay, yeah, go ahead. Because I don't need this.


Interesting approach, doc.


Very interesting.


Well, every patient's different.


Yeah. Okay. He's trying to get you off the ahead.


No, no. If anything, I'd like to encourage more of it.


You want him to use the vape pen more?


I think he's not vaping.




That's not going to work either. Listen, Dr. Phil, I don't drink. I don't do drugs. I quit smoking cigarettes. I vape some congrats on the. This is my last hurrah here, right? So I think I'm doing pretty good.


Man, that and food.


You know, it's so funny.


That's not a shot.


What my mom said to me yesterday, I shared about it at my a meeting.


Okay. I'm not taking a shot again.


And what my mom said. You were there?




She goes, you'd be handsome if you lost weight.


She said you used to look like Elvis.


Did she really?


Your face doesn't match your stomach.


That's what she said.


That hurts.


That's fucking. That's deep.


That's deep.


She said you had a beautiful face.


She did.


She said, what about my body?


I think your body's fine.


She poked your stomach about five times.


Yeah. What do you think about my body?


Me as your employee?


That was a great fucking answer. Very right back. Very good.


Yeah, very good. Do you think I should lose some weight?


I think you're perfect just the way you are. Like, looks wise, but you should walk. You'll never be like how you were.


After you gorge a big meal. I want you to sit at the piano all slovenly and just go. That's just a word.




Things will never be fall asleep. I don't think you need to lose any weight.


Thank you.


All I think you need to do is continue being happy and that your health will follow suit. Look at Carlos. Carlos looks as healthy and happy as I've ever seen him. He hugged me today when I came in the studio. I was here early yelling at somebody, and Carlos walked in, had a big smile. Didn't you? And you looked very good. You feel good.


He came to the meeting today.


Well, I was going to let him share it, but. Do you want to share this on the show or no?


Yeah. I went to an AA meeting for the first time in like six years today. Whoa. Hey.


That's a big deal. Don't let anyone tell you it's not.


No one didn't. No one said it wasn't.


Well, they might.


No, they won't.


There's haters out there, Phil.


What the fuck are you trying to stop?


Is different than today.


Yeah, I thought you're about to throw.


A plastic set of glasses about you.


Phil, dude, get him.


Even since I've been in here, before even the cameras went on, man, you've been negative and fucking weird. Swearing up a fucking storm.


Get him, Bob.


You're acting like the opposite of what you fucking represent on television. I'm fucking tired of this shit, dude. Who the fuck are you, dude?


It's good to see some emotion coming from you.




Are you high right now?


Dude, no.


Your eyes, dude.


Dr. Phil.


Dr. Phil.




You're stoned right now. When did you eat edible?


You know that didn't pause it?




Do anything?


Yeah, it's been a rough couple weeks.


What's been going on, Phil?


My goldfish died.




Oh, man. We'll get you a new one, bud.


Yeah. Okay.


It's tough to replace the first fish you.


Oh, when did you buy? They live like three days.


Three days ago.


Okay. Well, Dr. Phil, I would like you to get to the root of what's going on with Carlos. I'm sorry to step you out of your goldfish quandary, but we'll get you a new one. It doesn't mean anything. And, Carlos, we are proud of you big time. I want to say how happy I am you have looked like you're feeling like a new man. Your clarity the other day was remarkable. Thank you, Andrew. Bobby, a little bit.


Oh, yeah.


We had some good riffs on the show.


I was surprised. Yeah, I feel good. How good you feel?


It was interesting, like, coming in sober to that episode. I felt more like, you want to sharper?


You want to show us something shiny?


Yeah. I got this 24 hours chip that's amazing. And I showed it to Andrew, and.


I almost started crying and I gave him a big hug, but.


Are you serious, though?


He is.


No. Shut the fuck up.


Wait, what the fuck are you talking about? He is. He gave me a big hug and.


Almost started crying because, I don't know, are you or not? I want you to want it, but if you don't want it, I'm fine, too. I wouldn't have gone to the meeting if I didn't want to explore that. I tried to say sober last night and it didn't work. And I was like, and tonight? No, tonight I'm going to really let him do it.


I believe him. He's got the token to prove it.


It's not real. 24 hours then.


Put talking to the mic, sweetheart.


It's not been 24 hours then. No, we need to cut pieces of like shit out of people's lives. The negative fucking name.


You mean fancy? Yeah, negative fancy. That's your new name?


Negative fancy. Dude, I'm just saying, he. No, fuck you. You told me yesterday you didn't drink. No, but then I did drink.


Yeah. This is what happens. So in addiction fans, it goes up and down.


Oh, my God. You arrogant piece of shit.


This is a spanish Mexican.


I know.


Can I take a stab at trying to see how we got here?


Yeah, go ahead.


Carlos, you've been sober a day now? Yeah, like 10 hours. So like five back to back episodes of saved by the bell. The college years. Exactly. That's not a long time. But you spent your time prior to that enjoying the benefits of alcohol consumption?






What were some of the most fun things you did, and do you miss it right now, Phil?


Is this going to keep him sober? I don't know. Your approach. You're a doctor.


What are the negative?




Well, that sounds like a good place to start.




What did you hate about yourself? Honestly?


That I would wake up, not remember how I got home.


That, by the way, is something. We've all been there.


Oh, my God. The nightmare of. Imagine.


I've never been there.


Imagine us getting the.


Call me.


Okay. Ring, ring.


Oh, hey, what's up? Yeah, hey, Carlos.


No, it's me, Bobby.


Oh, hey, Bobby. Are you calling from Carlos'phone?


Hold on, hold on. What are the numbers?


What are the numbers of the show? We're doing really well this week.


Good. We hit all the checkpoints.


Speaking of hit, you got anything to tell?


Yeah, why do I have Carlos's phone? That's right.




Well, he's in the back of a police car.


What's new?


Yeah, well, what's new is.


Yeah, what's the new part about?


The new part about this is that a family died.


Hi, I'm Officer James. I'm here to tell you about the family.


Now, are you calling me or are you here with me right now?


Oh, I'm here.


Oh, Officer James, I'm so sorry. It's good to see. Oh, you guys showed up. Oh, you came.


We're here together.


What the fuck? Have you been with these guys all day?


No, I thought we were recording.


Yeah, we were supposed to share. Anyway, Officer James, wrap this up. We have to have to film bad friends now.


Yeah, well. And I know that, and I realize that this happened close to home, and I hate that for you, but your friend Carlos hit a family, and they were on their way to.


Can I stop you for a second?


Chuck E. Cheese.


Yeah, you look exactly like Dr. Phil.


Yeah, I was thinking that.


I thought too that.


Are you.


It was crazy.


Dr. Phil.


Let me live a normal, like.


Oh, I know. You're like Steven Seagal.


Yeah, I'm like under.


He's a cop and stuff.


You ever see undercover brother with Eddie Griffin? Yeah, I'm the white version of that.


Wow, so you cosplay as a cop. You're like Shaq.


Should we go to the murder?


I think it was all adults.


Yeah, but the good news, Andrew.


Where were they going?




Yeah, the good news.


Raccoons ate them. It was a family of raccoons.


Well, who ate the bodies of the family? That was real.


That's true. That is true. We opened them up. Yeah. And there was a hispanic family inside the bodies.


How many people was this?


Well, I mean, 30. Felt like five, but they just kept coming out.


Yeah, just like they do in like a regular car. Yeah.


Well, what do you mean? Sorry, officer, I just didn't get that bit.


A lot of them.


No, what do you mean? They fit a lot like clowns.


What's the mexican one? That's it.


Sorry, that was all.


Let's get back to the.


Oh, Carlos is here. What's up?


Let's get back to the truth. Thank God. Thank God you didn't do anything fucking.


That we know of.


Yeah, that's true, because that's not okay.


And hey, what's in your hand right now?


If you drink and drive again, I will fuck you up.


I will fuck you sad.


I don't like it. It's not funny. I don't like it.


Not funny.


Not funny.


Surrendered to you too.


Okay. What is this?


Bring it over. MdMA, mushrooms and cocaine.


Give it to me now.


Well, and then leave it here first and then I'll bring it over to Andrew.


So you're surrendering some stuff that you have for me.


Good for you.


What is it now? Do you want to measure this to make sure that none of.


Okay. So what's the white.


Hey, I'm proud of you. Hey, my man.


What's the white powder? What's a white powder?


Big fuck.


Well, this is coke.


Yeah, I don't know. Can I see officer? Doctor?


No, I'm not going to your mind.




Yeah, cocaine.


Last time I did coke was at third Eye Molly concert. Molly.


Molly from a different dealer.


Molly from a different dealer.


I think I rented that in high school.


Molly, mushrooms.




Mushrooms. More mushrooms. And the coke? No fentanyl. So it's good to go.


Doctor, you've tested it?


Yeah, that's the last of it.


I've done it. And then I had it as a backup in case I needed an oomph in the morning. And then Dr. Phil, I made him pee on a cup, and I want to make sure you test it.


Yeah, we'll have our. My producer, Tina, will test it.


Oh, I thought you were.


We call her pee Tina.


Oh, there you go. So you peed in the cup before the show? Dr. Phil, do you want to make sure that it's clean so he's not lying?


Real american urine?


Yeah, well, Mexican.






Now what?


Mexican American.


What's the difference?


You taste it, you'll know.




Yeah, it's just to make sure. Got a little bite to it.


Yeah, I just want to make sure that it's drug free.


Drug free?


That's real piss.




Give it one small sip, doctor.


That's how you test it?


Yeah. Smell the pee.


I don't just eat shit.


I smell it to make sure.


Dr. Phil, relax. She's not a doctor.


I've never touched her piss before.


She doesn't know.


Well, you haven't truly lived, then. All right, here we go.


Oh, my God.


Oh, my God.


Oh, my God.


Is it clean?


Oh, my God. His pupils are dilating.


I really wish I hadn't done that.




Because now I'm hooked.


Now you're hooked. Pound it, dude. Pound it. Dr. Phil, that's great. Wow.


It's the last of my margarita in my system.


You okay?


There's tequila in there. It's not clean, right? Return the chip.


I mean, it definitely is pee, but.


Return the chip.


Such an asshole.


Return the chip. You sound like a James Bond villain.


Return the chip.


There it is.


You must return the chip. Dr. Bond.






Dr. Bond.


I have an idea. Well, because Fancy has been so negative lately, and Carlos is just getting out of drugs. I think I saw this in a movie. If they switch places so Carlos could raise Fancy's baby and have a beautiful wife and learn responsibility, and Fancy could start doing cocaine and kind of loosen.


Up to be up on time every Monday.


Do you see what I'm saying? Like, he could loosen up.


There was a negative. Even if you switch places physically, let's see if it dynamically changes how you guys are.


This is like that Bateman Reynolds movie, the change up.


It's exactly like.


That's what I'm thinking of.


All right, let's see if maybe this helps even a little bit.


Oh, I like this. Yeah.


Oh, wow.


Yeah, you like the position. Oh, you look so good there. Thank you.


Hey, fans, how are you feeling?


I feel like drinking.


Imagine going on a cruise boat and hearing that in the room across the hall.


I feel like drinking.


And you go, we must be in the weird part of the ship, by.


The way you pass by that room. You pass by the room thinking, right on, man. But you see he's just looking in the mirror by himself. I feel like drinking. No one's even in there with him.


You poke your head and you go, my man, you need a sandwich or something?


Dr. P, I feel like those eddies are kicking in right now, aren't they?


I'm feeling pretty good. Can't taste the pea residue. Carlos, congrats again, man.


Thanks, doc.


I want to give you a big shout out and a quick little pat me on the back for yourself. I like to do it for myself. And then I just do that to you.


See, now, Dr. Bill, this. You wouldn't mean like brush it away? This is kind of dismissive.


Oh, sign language. Isn't this like fuck off?


No, this is fuck off. That's fuck off.


You know Adam Ray, right?






Can I say something?


I want to say I've only seen.


Him a fan either. Well, it's also.


But I've seen him on YouTube. But I did a video with Andrew and Adam Ray about Olympic video that's done very well on the Internet in my favorites. Yeah, one of my favorites. But I want to say something. Just relay this to Adam, if you may. Okay. I'm super proud of him because I can see him coming up in the comedy world in terms of the numbers and people talking about him. He's working super is.




And honestly, I tell him I'm really proud of the guy.


That's so nice.


Well, that means a lot there.


It is. Yeah.


Well, it's a grind. And as you guys know, we just try to put 1ft in front of the other.


That day when we did that, what was my attitude like?




Was I really?


Yeah, you were being a little asshole.




Eleven years ago.


Eleven years ago. Look at that.


And you left early. You left the shoot before.


I mean, look at the. Look at the cold. God. Someone's dealing coke in a video game.


You left the shoot before we were done. We had access to the gym for a certain amount of time. And Hoot Tatudi was a great name for.






Hoot tutti skinny.


I was.


Well, you look good. You look good. Haven't changed the bill.


Your mom would like this.


This was eleven years ago.


I can't.


His mom looked like this.


No, she would like him.




You see? You didn't get less negative for some reason. It's like you.


He looks great.


No, you said your mom would like this. It's like a backhanded compliment.


No, you look great. You're a fucking asshole. You look great. Fuck you, dude.


Eleven years ago, you're saying?


A decade ago?


Yeah, Bobby.


Nor to love about Hoot's outfit. It looks like a real coach's outfit.


It does.


Did you have that jacket or did you buy it?


No, that was in his trunk.


Yeah, it was my trunk.


It was in the trunk of his car. I remember you getting it out. It was very funny.


You know who complimented me about this video? Who? Alison Jones.


Oh, really?


Yeah. She goes, I saw that video you did with Andrew and Adam. She goes, so funny.


You know what was really funny about this moment? That we're starting to shoot this. You didn't want to do it, and then you asked if you could smoke in the.


Oh, that's right.


And I thought, of all the places you probably can't.


Yeah, it's a kid's gymnasium.


But you know what?


But what a fun video.


You killed.


You're violent. What a funny thing, too. It's like, violence is only funny if it's done by the right people.


Yeah, that's true.






The way you.


I don't like the way you said that.


Well, Arnold.


Yeah, but the last name.


Well, now you're making me self conscious.


Say it. The last name.


Do you know.


You know, in know, we've been at premieres together.


I mean, the Schwartz was fine.


Yeah, Schwartz sounded normal.


Let's just leave it at that. Schwartz. Yeah, yeah, we met at the premiere of God, what was.


That's your old accountant. Arnold Schwartz.


Yeah, yeah. Arnold Schwartz. Yeah.


Don't tell mom. The babysitter's dead.


What a film.




With Christina Applegate and a very early Estelle Getty.


Love, Christina Applegate. Dude, I had such a crush on her.


Big crush.


Elizabeth. Shoe in that.






Don't tell. Adventures in babysitting.




Boy, a lot of babysitters.


She's doing pretty good.


Elizabeth Shu.




What is she doing? I'm not privy to what you're saying.


She's in the boys.


Oh, the boys, the boys.


Whoa. You see the boys I had. Great show. Very funny.


I don't see a lot. I watch a lot of Dr. Pimple popper. A lot of other doctors. Chop Jr. Boy, they're mean to those kids. Like, hey, Caleb, do you know Dr. Scholes? The medicine woman? Oh, no, the product.




I also know Dr. Pepper guy.


Dr. Scholes.


A shoe guy or.


No, no, Dr. Pepper.


Sure. You know Dr. Pepper.


I know Justin Guarini, if that's what you're getting at. I can call him, right?




Please. Please don't.




Yeah, I'll read the room.


Do you know mythological doctors? Well, Dr. Doom.


Dr. Doom.




Well, Dr. Clau is probably the most famous fake docs. Or maybe McDreamy. Who do you think gets more pussy? Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget? Or Patrick Dempsey?


I'm going to go with Dempsey. It's a wild guess, but I think Dempsey does for sure.




I mean, agree to disagree, but, yeah, Dempsey, he really popped off, Jess. Who was your, like, hunk?


Probably doc ock. Dr. Octavius.


Oh, yeah.


A man with eight arms.


Are you kidding?


Oh, there we go. Hey, you're three for three.


Don't his fingers have tongues on them?


They probably could. Isn't that how they thought about it?


Can you imagine that?


They don't, but they could.


Can you imagine getting fingered and there's a tongue on the finger? These are the things I think about.




Imagine Dr. What's his name? Octavius.




Him being a goalkeeper for a soccer team.








I mean, imagine you're doing a penalty kick and he's just unstoppable.


And then just tongues everywhere.


Oh, my God. Ronaldo would be scared.


Everybody would be.


No, Ronaldo could get him.


You think so?


Yeah, he's the best FiFA Ronaldo could fuck.


Yeah, man. You know much about soccer, love FIFA.


Scored on my own team in the fourth grade. True story.


What do you mean?


My friend's dad called me a fucking idiot.


Yeah. Wait. On goal.


What's that?


It's called an own.


Yeah, the goalie was trying to dive out of the way. The ball was going towards the sideline, and I kicked it. And this is me telling the story, not Adam Ray.




Because I've heard him tell a similar story, and he's fabricating me. This happened to me. Ball's going towards the sideline. Tried to kick it out of bounds. It slashed around the goalie. He dove in slow motion, and I went, oh, fuck. A friend's dad on the ride home goes. You fucking idiot.




Fifth grade? Yeah, it was terrifying. As a child, you learn, know, even adults are doing their best. But in that know, I wanted to grab the wheel and crash this into a wendy's.




Jesus Christ.


Dr. Phil.


But I didn't.


I. Thank God. Yeah.


Self discipline.


You're still here, buddy.


Well, I'm clicking and ticking. I'm feeling good. Wasn't it just your birthday in September coming up last September? No, I guess we're further away.


We're in the mid. Yeah. Next six months, it'll probably happen again.


That's like a golden shower birthday or something.


What do you mean?


When it's your midpoint birthday?




Is that what you think it's called?


I don't know. I just drank some piss and I'm still thinking about it.


Okay. You know what? Even though it's going to be my 53rd birthday, congrats. Thank you. I might have a party, because back in the day, I don't know if you guys. Do you ever go, Carlos? I used to have these big parties. You know where I used to have them? Spaghetti factory.




Did you ever go? Did Adam ever go?


I believe he sent me some pictures.




And it looked like a blast.


I used to rent out half a fucking spaghetti factory.


Whose dad owned it? We knew the kid's dad. It was a comic whose dad owned the spaghetti factory. On Hollywood Boulevard. Right?


Yeah, it was on sunset.


Sunset, yeah. There was a kid that. His dad owned that spaghetti factory. A comic. I don't remember when we were coming up, when Adam and I were young. Yeah, we remember.


He tells me a lot of your up and coming stories. The Robbie Picard bar shows.


Oh, yeah, Robbie Pickard. Yeah, down in Orange County.


Orange county. There's a lot of shit gigs you guys do, and I really want to say, my world, it's like, yeah, you kind of get thrust into the limelight pretty quick, but you guys got to just take it or leave it.


It doesn't seem like it was quick for you. Didn't you become famous in your, like, 50s?


Yeah, but I felt like I was famous in my 20s.


But you weren't.


What did we learn today?


Well, we learned that Scooby Doo has multiple. Has a different way of looking at. Learned.


That was good.


We learned that I've got all sorts of different looks for the camera.


We learned this.


We learned your dance from EDM. Right.


What do we also. We learned.


Well, what we did learn is that Carlos is on a new path to happiness.


And happiness. Sure. Sure.


Why don't we do this? Why don't we say goodbye to Dr. Phil, and we can wrap up without Dr. Phil so we can talk bad about him on his back.




A little bit.


Happy New year, by the way.


Happy New year, Dr. Phil.


This was a resolution of mine was to come on this show.


We really appreciate you, Dr. Phil. Thank you for being on the show.


Be good to yourself.


All right, well, thanks for Dr. Phil coming through.


That was a little awkward.




That was a little shout out. Shout out. Matt Lockwood.


Matt Lockwood.


That was a little.


He's different.


He's a little bit.


Yeah, well, he's.


What's the word I'm looking for? He's a little skinnier. He's skinnier than I thought, that is for sure. Yeah.


But also, you can tell when it hit.


Yeah, you can tell, can't you?


No, be real. Yeah.


You can tell when the edibles kicked in.


Hit. And then his eyes, you could tell, like, ripped. Ripped. And then he didn't know really what he was talking.


He drank piss. I mean, this guy is.


That's insane. It's so gross.


But did he help solve anything in the studio?


No, not at all.


He made it worse. He tried to get Carlos to keep using fancy. Definitely is not in support of Carlos's sobriety, which is, honestly, I'm annoyed, but it's like, how do I really dictate how mad I am?


Let's talk about the year in general. Can we talk about the year in general, please? We had some great moments this year, but we've had some dark times. We have to go through those to get to the light. Yeah. One day sober. Fucking Yoda. Now. What the fuck? Andres says I'm not even one day.


Hey, man. Yeah, it works if you work.


Know, to as a family. We went through a lot of tough times. We have good times. But at the end of the day, we're still standing, and we will move forward.


We're sitting right now.


Okay. We'll be sitting and we'll sit forward. We'll sit forward.


I am leaning forward.


I know you are. And we will continue. I imagine us doing this for many good years.


One more, we're done.


No, I'll be real. No, I think till 2025. For sure, though.


I'd say 2030.


Wow. That's a lot. Well, you won't be here.


You won't be here.


Yeah. You'll be directing fucking commercials or something then.


Oh, my God. But you know what kind?


It'll be like industrial commercial.


Yes, 100%. Or he'll be washer dryer. It'll be like combo washer dryer. Do you want to wash and also dry at the same time? Yeah, he'll be directing bullshit like that.


For sure. I think I could predict what we're going to be in the next couple of years. I think Carlos in five years is no longer to be in LA. What? Just hear me out, okay? He's going to be one of those guys that's going to live amongst other people like him in an island. Do beads.




You know what I mean? A lot of smells. I like this, like, lighting, like, you know what I mean? Powders and stuff. Okay.


Where's McCon going to be?


McCone is going to go back to Minnesota.


Yeah, he'll have to.


I mean, that's my prediction. You're going to be back in Minnesota, but you're the big wig. You know what I mean? You're going to be part of some sort of like a design you can do something with design.


That's the name of your design firm is big wig.


Big wig designs.


Big wig designs.


It's going to be in Minneapolis. You'll have an office.


What about fancy?


Fancy? I like industrial commercials. Thank you.


Oh, we mean that.




Okay, good. He's not working for us anymore then. In five years. Okay, what about jet ski?


Jet ski is going to be. And this is where it turns bad. Oh, no, this one's going to hurt.


It had to be.


It's going to hurt us. Not you.




You're going to be a huge comedian. You'll have your own talk show.


Oh, super fat.


No, she will gain weight a lot. Yeah. I'm a woman and her new name is going to be Rolly Poly. And the introduction of the song Rolly Poly. And she's going to roll down this hill, right? Like a pill bug. And you'll come by like that, right? Yeah. And you go, you're ready to have some fun, right?


Everyone in the audience arenas wearing roly poly shirts, right? Rolly poly bug glasses.


And then you will delete us from your phone.


You'll delete us from your phone.


You will delete from it. You will. Like, when we come up, let's say something to me about us. I'm Jesse. In the future.


Oh, Jess, it's been so long.


How Roly Poly.


No, we know you're Rolly Poly.


And do you love it, though?


It's so cool.


It's through the scales up in the fucking heavens.


So you lost your ability to talk?


What do you mean?


You got so famous you couldn't formulate.


Hey, guys, when I go down that hill, dude, that's for real. And I do it every show.


So how come you haven't got in contact with us again. We've been calling you to come back on the bad friend show, and you.


Excuse me. You're not an interviewer from news.


It's me. It's Andrew.


Hey, Rolly, it's Bobby.


Oh, you're the sound guy, right?


Yeah, but. Yeah, I've been doing it part time, but I was wondering if you.


What's the tag?


Well, we know what you're going to be doing in five. Sound. Oh, the sound guy now.




I was wondering if you wanted to get dinner. Like old times. Tomahawk steak.


Rolly Poly is fine. Roly Poly.


It's a therapy thing.


No, like she just goes into herself.


Oh, that's so.


It's so sad. All right.


What happened to me in five years?


You're not my driver. I just got an Uber X.


No, I'm not.


You're an Uber X.


No, I'm Lyft.


Oh, you're lyft.




Okay, well, we got to get to the airport.


I have to drive you?




Where are you headed?


Well, my private plane.


You think you're a sound guy has a private plane?


No, you're the sound guy. I'm Jesse. Still.


You're you.


Oh, right now? Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry.


I gotta say this.




You are gonna be working sound on her. On Roly poly live shows.




And I'm gonna be the driver. I'm gonna be the local driver. This is where we are in five years.


I know.


The team is dismantled. Carlos has fallen in love. He's moved to Texas. He's opened up a business of bead making. You're correct.


Yeah. Thank you.


McCone, by the way, couldn't get to Minneapolis. He got to Duluth instead. Couldn't get all the way back to.




And the only thing you got wrong because all this is right. Because, you know, I've seen the future, is the fancy part.


What is it?


Did not get to direct one commercial. Not one.


I know. Close, though.


Pretty close.


Pretty close.


They were considered.


Met with the ad agency and they liked him.


He was in the.


They didn't understand.


He was in the mix.


They didn't understand that.


They didn't understand. What's your vision? My bijon is to. Okay, we can't. Someone with more clear concising.


Yeah. So that's it. In five. But the next year, we'll be still here.


Next year will be a great big year for bad friends. We are finally going to announce our down under tour dates. We have ten cities. We're playing. We really appreciate it. I mean, this, we got the numbers in, the tickets that we sold this year, the cities that we played, it was monumental. It was like one of the best years.


How many tickets this year?


Around 100,000.


100,000 people came to go see us?


Yeah. It's insane.


Thank you so much.


Thank you for being bad friend.


Yeah, you. Woo, death. Woo. For that woo, death.