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Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started.


Okay. Normally this is a segment Conan O'Brien needs a fan, where I talk to anyone in the world, United States or pretty much anywhere on this spinning blue marble we call Earth. Who's a fan? It's been really fun. It's been great to meet all these people. And then I realized, what are we doing? I mean, easily, my two biggest fans are right in this room. When were you going to tell us.


This is what you were doing?


I was going to tell you, and then I got distracted. We had sun chips, the sour cream and onion kind. Eb got sun chips. And so I had to eat about six bags of those really quickly. You're saying this episode is your two biggest fans, Matt and Sona, and you're talking to those fans? Well, I think what I might do is focus on, clearly, my biggest fan would be Sona.


You've got an edge to you.


So, Sona, Sona, where are you calling from?


What are you saying?


Where are you calling from?


I'm next to you. What are you doing?


Yeah, but where are you next to me? Do you think this is where do. I'm trying to orient this. What do you think? This is north, right? You're north of me, right? That's west, I believe. Is it west?


Oh, it's very important we figure this out.


Well, fans like to know geographically, so you're sort of more west towards the ocean, and I'm sort of more inland.


This is very stupid.


How long have you been. You've been a fan for a long time, right? How long have you been watching.


Wait, what are you talking about? What are you doing?


Well, you watched the old shows, didn't you?


Watch? I did watch the old.


And you watched them with your brother?




Well, thank you very much. I'm glad you're a fan.


I don't want to accidentally compliment you. I don't like this.


Okay, let's try this. Hi, Sona. Welcome to Conan O'Brien needs a worse.


What are we doing?


So, it says here in my notes that you're west of me.


You don't have notes. You're looking at an empty legal pad.


Well, those are sometimes the best. Sometimes the pads that say nothing say the most. It says here you're west of me that you live in Altadina. Is that correct? And you are married, you have two kids.


You are their godfather.


It also says that. Yes. Says I'm their.




And. And they call me Uncle Coco.


They call you Uncle Coco? Yeah.


So you're a huge fan. I mean, this is a big fan. Can I tell you one thing? You were my fan until you were my employee. Yeah. And then you quickly soured, didn't you?


Yes. I mean, I didn't say I soured. I think I got to know you better.


The real me. Yes. Not the idealized, like, oh, look at that guy on a. He's a what? Whatever. I look like the know both. You look like both of them together. Yeah. Like. But smooshed together. Yeah. I look like. And if two army hammers from the social network had been smooshed together.


You think you look like the army hammer? Winklevoss.


I said smooshed together. Okay, so imagine the cracking of bones and ligaments, the distortion of the two skulls. There'd be three.




I think it still holds up.


But anyway, you guys were smart not to tell me about this.


Yeah, we were very smart not to tell you. So, how's it going, Sona? What's going on in your life?


This is awful.


But what's happening in your life? Be honest.


Nothing's happening in my.


Everything's good with. Your parents are still helping look after the.


Yeah. Yes.


Mikey and Charlie.


Mikey and Charlie, my boys. They're two and a half.


All right. Do you have a question for Conan? Yeah.


Fuck you, Matt. Fuck you.


I'm just glad he centered on you.


Fuck all of you. You guys had a conversation about this?


We just thought it would be fun. Let's just tell the truth. We couldn't get a fan episode in time for this release date, so we just had to come up.


This is like when Kumele didn't show up.


Yes. Let me be honest. There's a ton of fans in the queue. We just didn't technically put it together today. I don't know who's at fault. I'm not going to throw Eduardo under the bus. It totally was, by the way. It wasn't Eduardo, but just by me suggesting it could have been Eduardo, I.


Like the turn on Eduardo suddenly.


What do you do for a living? Soda? Yeah. What do you do for a living?


That's actually a pretty good question.


You help out with the podcast. You're very good, and the fans love you.


That's very nice.


But what about the day to day assisting of Conan O'Brien?


You know the answer to this question. I know, I'm sorry.


If you're driving right now, lower the volume.




My headphones are pumping off my head.


I am an angry human being right now. This sucks because you're setting me up to say I don't do anything for you as an assistant.


That's not true. I'm just trying to find, like, any good policeman. I'm trying to get to the truth.


You don't do this with the actual fans.


That's true.


Well, here's what I will say. And this was what I did that was really smart. I was your assistant for so long and I really made myself a part of your life that you can't get rid of me.


First of all, I'll make it clear I don't want to, but also, let's say tomorrow, which is very likely I suddenly change my mind and decide Sona's got to go. There's absolutely nothing I can do.


No, your phone is under my.


Oh, of course. Everything in my life. Well, I shouldn't say that now. I'll get hacked by the Russians.


You think that's what's stopping him from getting hacked?


But no. I swear to God. On my driver's license it says, sonom of session. And then it says, six foot, 4200 pounds, blue eyes, red hair.


Oh, my God.


Sona Winklevoss O'Brien.


What's the obsession with the Winklevoss?


No, I just threw that out there. I have a random machine in my brain.


I know, but it is. I really do.


I do think of you as a fan. And you don't have to freak out about it because ask her permission to say that I'm good. I know you're a fan. And usually I reach out to people who live far from me. You do? I mean, Altadina quite far.


It's not that far.


I've driven to your house from my house. I had to change my currency three times.


Oh, God. Currency thing. It's either the passport thing or the currency thing.


Passport. I bet you get home before he does. When we leave this place, I bet it's close.


Probably. I probably do. That's not even a joke. I think you have this thing about Altadina because it's up in the mountains. It's not that far.


It is beautiful.


I love Altadina.


When I made it there, when I got there, and like many of my ancestors, it was a long journey.


Yourself, to people escaping the potato famine.


How many of your team did you lose when you went to. Oh, half the ship. Really? Half the ship didn't make it. But when I saw the lady Liberty's torch as I approached Altadina harbor, stretching this for all I could, I remembered saying, we're here. I miss my home, but this is my home now. That's what I said.


You had an accent.


They americanized your name, remember? Yeah, they did.


That accent sounds like when you try.


My name was Peter Smith, but they changed it to Conan O'Brien. What is it? Peter Smith. Oh, you irish. You irish chimp. You're Conan O'Brien from now on.


You know what I've noticed is that when you guys are in a. We don't. We didn't have anybody lined up. And then you're like, sona can do it. Which is what you did for the Kumail Nanjiani episode.


Kumel couldn't show. And then we had you come on. And people loved it.


Yeah, but don't you ever think, hey, Sona might not like not being prepared even a little bit for this?


That's funny. I don't even think I thought for a second about you or your feelings. What about you? Did you think about it, Matt? About her feelings? Yeah, I guess I didn't.




And you know what's so nice? It's incredible when you. It's just so relaxing not to think about and worry about someone else's feelings. You just glide through life. There's no know, why am I on.


Conan O'Brien needs a fan when I'm not. Come be. Can I be sincere for a second?


I don't know why I made that.


Can I be sincere for a second?


I get scared about sincere, so can.


I be, hey, look, can I talk about vaginas real quick? Sincerity and vaginas. There's two things that scare God.


If you sincerely talk about a vagina right now. Yeah. Oh, my God, can I speak about a vagina sincerely, Conor O'Brien turned into a puddle of ooze today. He was rushed to the hospital, where he was reanimated as two eco vibe smash into each other. No, it was just sort of a jokey idea, because I know we have a lot of people. And then we thought, oh, come on, let's just talk to son, I love.


That you have to be like, no, we have people who are fans.


I do have six fans left in the world. Truth is, we couldn't find one. You know what? We scoured the globe.


Oh, man, that's too bad. I'm sorry. I am actually a fan of yours.


Thank you. There you was.


I was a very big fan, which.


Didn'T come across when I first hired you. I think you were very cool about that. You kept your cards close to your chest.


Well, yeah, I mean, you kind of have to. But I don't know if I ever told you that people would ask me what I was going to do after I worked at NBC. And I was, I'm going to work for Conan O'Brien. And I just said it very, like.


Then you said it loudly in a restaurant, and I heard you and I said, you bet you are. Because that's how needy.


Yeah. And then I started working for how.


But how are things? Everything's good. I mean, you can talk about your.


Have I. I always talk about my life. I have no problems talking about it. Yeah. Everything's really you.




The other day, you know what I did? I went to a movie in the.


Middle of the day, and you never get to do that because you've got twins. Those kids are now at an age. Are they two and a half or three?


They're two and a half.


They're two and a half years old. And they're very healthy, rambunctious boys. You send me the most hilarious videotapes. Yeah, she sends me these tapes from her phone. Videotapes. Sorry. She sends me, Sona sends me these three quarter inch tapes. And what she does is she takes it on her phone, and then out of kindness, because she knows I'm old, she has them transferred to giant, and I have an old three quarter inch machine from 1985. So anyway, God bless you for doing that. And then I have it converted to 16 millimeter.


Oh, my God.


No. She sends the most hilarious iPhone videos of her kids, and they're a two person wrecking crew.


They are. They need a lot of attention, and.


It looks a lot like a Three Stooges short. The Three Stooges. It's usually the same idea. Fancy person in a nice house lets the Three Stooges in for reasons that I've never understood. And they come in, they go, don't worry, lady. We'll fix it up real good. And then they take out hammers and smash everything. All of your videos look like that. It's your two boys with large sticks and shovels just smashing the wall. And you're kind of in the background. You're holding the camera and you're laughing.


I am.


You're not stopping?


I've given up, I think. Well, this one day we stopped recording pretty early, and then I had my parents already coming to help, so I got high and went and saw a movie.


What movie did you see?


I would like to not mention the movie.


Okay. Do you go to a triple xx theater?


No. Yeah, I watched porn in the middle of the day.


Can you still do that?


Can you.


Can you go to. I got some videotapes. Is it quarter inch? Three quarter inch.


But I want to watch porn with other people. Can they do that still? You guys would know porn theater, have friends over and. No, I mean, like, go to a theater where you guys would.


Mean, yes. I remember growing up in Boston, there was an area called the combat zone. And once my dad. You know this, right? The sort of triple xxx theater area was called the combat zone. And once we were all kids and my grandmother was living with us and she used to do this habit of. She had this habit we called her Mahdi. She would look out the window and you'd be driving through and she was getting older and she would just out loud read the different signs, like mass Turnpike. And she would say things. My dad, who was a little trouble with, like me, I inherited it. So I'm not putting this all on him, but he took some wrong turns and we were stuck in traffic in the combat zone. I remember grandmother going like, Debbie does xxx. And no one, of course, can say anything like Monty don't do because no one can acknowledge what's happening. But yeah, I knew that those theaters existed, but I never, ever went into one.


I don't want to mention the movie because it was really bad, okay.


And you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.


Even when I was high, I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.


Your bar was so low.


It's still really low. It's gotten worse because now I'm really into young adult movies that are based on fan fiction usually. I know it's so bizarre. It's a very tiny little niche thing of. And I have no time to watch movies. And when I do, I watch these awful ones and I know they're bad and I watch them multiple times.




Okay, well, hey, this brings up a good question. Are you okay? Should you be hospitalized?


I just don't want to think. Don't make you think.


We do have a very loyal and creative fan base. Is there fan fiction and should there be fan fiction around our podcast? Are you talking erotic fan fiction or are you talking. Well, I mean, I would prefer erotic, but I'll go with. No, I'm kidding. No, I'm saying just fan fiction in general.


Well, there's different kinds of fan fiction. They could create a universe within this universe or just use us as characters in a completely different story, which is like what they did with 50 shades with the Twilight cast. There was.


I'd love to see three of us go on an adventure. Find an old relic or something. Yeah. Like a Goonies with the three of us.




Do you even like the Goonies?


I have appreciated that. It is the citizen kane of your generation.


Come on. That's such.


The Goonies is a real divisive film, depending on how old you are. And I was the age of the Goonies when it came out, so it's big for me. It's big for anyone after that. But before it, it's not. Yeah, I saw it with Greg Daniels when it came out. We were both writers, and so we were not supposed to be seeing the Goonies. We were like 23, and I was annoyed that all the kids talk at the same time and that sort of.


How kids are, that's what they do.


I know, but it's supposed to be a heightened reality. Real conversations often go nowhere, but we try to heighten that in theater and film.


You are the opposite of me in that you dislike most things.


That's not true.


I think that is true. I think you dislike most of the movies and you'd be like, it's got to be a heightened reality.


It's called the Goonies for name. My name is Lord Snibbledobble. Yes. What you got? I don't know if you want to know this, but once you know something, you can't unknow it. Yep. There is Conan and Jordan. Fan fiction is. It is. Oh, and I have it here. I don't remember writing this. I'll just set it. It's called. It's called on an evening in dot. And the summary is what happened after Conan and Jordan left the restaurant. Ah. Got it.


That's all. You know what? Who wrote that? Can we interview that person too one day?


I think we could do that. Or we could interview you again. Yeah. I would like to see you and Jordan do the lady in the know italian noodle meal thing. Oh, yes. We slurped to the middle. Yeah, that's sweet.


Recreate is that your fan fiction, your erotic fan fiction?


It would recreate a moment I had with Matt O'Brien in front of Hanson. Remember that?


Yes, I do remember.


I forget what we were eating, but we were both eating one end of red licorice and we started to get towards the middle, and then I was like, yes, me guess. Me and Hansen's watching. And we're in an Oklahoma city Theater.


It was in Tulsa.


Oh, yeah.


And it was you.


Sorry, Tulsa, Oklahoma.


Yeah, you, Matt, me and Hanson. And we were the only people in the room.


And we started chewing and we started getting closer. And of course, as we get closer to Matt O'Brien, I'm just like, we're going to kiss. And he's like, no. And I'm like, yes. And we start getting closer. And Hansen's watching these lovely young men who I think are religious. Anyway, this has been a fun. I think this was great. Yeah.


Wait, we're done. I actually started to have fun once I realized what was going on.


Yeah. Well, see, sometimes I do have a question. Oh, yeah. Do you have a question for Conan O'Brien?


Yeah. Can I get a raise?


Oh, wait, I have a question, too. Sure. Can I get a raise? Sure. Can I get paid? Yes. You know what? I forgot that you guys were here on a sort of an intern voluntary basis.


Oh, no, we will.


I will see to it. Yes. Raises for everyone. Said the guy with no real authority. Raisins. You're going to listen really closely, and Eduardo's going to say, I slowed it down. He says raisins. All right. Thank you, Sona. Very nice to meet you.


Conan O'Brien needs a fan with Conan O'Brien, Sona Mopsesian and Matt Goreley. Produced by me, Matt Goreley, executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at yearwolf. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino supervising producer Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer Jennifer samples. Associate producers Sean Dougherty and Lisa Burm. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Please rate, review and subscribe to. Conan O'Brien needs a fan wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.