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An Apple original series, AC Richmond announced the hiring of their new manager, an American football coach, Ted Lazo. I know that Richmond can give you everything they got or. All right, I'll do here. Me success is about helping these goals be the best versions of themselves on and off, the your decision to bench Jamie was a master stroke only we're allowed to talk like that working.


Jason Sudeikis stars in Ted. Let's watch Ted LASO now on the Apple TV subscription required for Apple TV.


Plus, so you spent time in your life looking for apartments, right? A lot, yeah. A lot of time looking for apartments, man apartments, dotcom. Isn't that a great site? I've used it and I've gotten a place through there. They've got the most places go to their website. They've the most places. 40 million people have found their apartment there. 40 million. That's a lot. Yes, that's a lot of anything except Adam's.


I'm sorry.


It's just not a lot of atoms, but anything else. It's a lot of visit apartments, dot com to find your next place. Seriously, just do it. Let's not fight about this apartment. Dotcom, the most popular place to find a place. Hi, my name is Deathcore. And I feel wonderful every time that I'm with Conan O'Brien. Oh, that's so nice. Ring the bell. Brand new shoes walking loose on the first two books and comes back and we are going to be friends.


Shocking the. Hello and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend podcast where I pretty much scan people I know into talking to me, but I think the good thing is it's people that I know and really admire and this is a great opportunity to speak to them. And so I think it's a good scam is scams go. This is a pretty good scam. Yeah, it is. And I'm really enjoying it. I'm joined by my assistant was going to say trusty assistant, but I'll just say assistance, sort of sexy.


I'm not trustee. Who will, do you think? I think calling me just assistant is probably accurate. Probably the way to go. Also, we've got Matt Gormley here joining us. Matt, how are you? Good.


I like your little scam. It's a victimless crime. I do think it's a victimless crime. That's the nicest thing anyone could say about this podcast, is that it's a victimless crime. Yeah, that was that was definitely a crime. Being committed here is definitely something that's not on the up and up that's happening. But I don't see who gets hurt. Well, sonand and I do. But I mean, for the guest, you you don't get hurt.


You give as good as you get. You are quite adept. Oh, and by the way, Susan and I were preparing to do today's podcast and we were wearing our masks and sitting out on the sidewalk at a place where you can order a head for the food and then they bring it out, they set it on the table and little boxes and you can eat the food. We're sitting there and this guy walks by. It's a true story.


This just happened about an hour and a half ago. This guy walks by and he's wearing headphones and he's wearing a mask and he stops in his tracks and he looks at us and he does this double take. And then he takes off the headphones and says, I'm listening to your podcast right now. So he was listening to this podcast and he was listening to Seona. And I beker when he walks by and Seona and I are at the table bickering over who took I took too much of the hummus and you got some of the tahini on my on the floor.


And so he he was like, what, what? And I said this. I said, we've been looking for you try to track. I said, we track people who've been listening to the podcast. And I held up my phone. We track people who listen to the podcast and we try to create a 3D experience like Pokémon go. I can't believe you didn't scream catechesis. God made her how he should have said that. No one's done this opportunity.


I don't know where he is in the podcast lineup. He may have fallen behind. Then he's chatting with us again. I want to stress wearing a mask, safe distance. Very nice guy. He got over his total freak out. And what does it turn out? You can do the reveal of what he does. What do you mean? What is what his profession is? What he oh, he's a comedy writer and he teaches he teaches comedy writing at Emerson College.


Yeah. Down the street. You have his name. Ed Lee. Yes. Ed, he said he knows you. I him. Yeah, yes, yes. This is how people say it's a big no one's ever said it's a small world. They always say it's a really big world. I want it for the first time. Point out that maybe maybe it's kind of a small world after all. Oh, because this guy, he said, yeah, I teach at Emerson, I teach comedy writing.


And then he said, I also know Matt Gallie. And I said, How do you know Matt Gorley? And he said, he was my neighbor. And that's where I got intrigued because I thought this could go any way. I mean, what if he says he said that you were. I said, oh, yeah, he's a nice guy anyway. Oh, he's a very nice guy. I just gave you nice guy. He said you are a very nice guy, but he could have revealed something monstrous about you in that moment.


You're your it was a chance. It was an opportunity to find out. I don't know what he's up to in his backyard, but it sure is weird. I think we just lived in the same neighborhood because I would only run into him at the village bakery in Atwater Village when I used to live there. That's nice, but it is a small world. Can you imagine what it's like? Because anyone right now who's listening to the podcast at this moment, if you're walking along or jogging or driving your car and you're stopped at a light and you look out and you're hearing Seona and Gawley and I Beker, and then you look out the window and we're there, that's that give you a sense that there is some sort of force in the universe.


This can't be a coincidence. I know. I totally buy that. I'm really into that stuff a lot. What does that mean? You're superstitious? I'm not superstitious.


I think that there's like a connection with a lot of people. There's too many coincidences. There's, you know, maybe I don't think there are too many coincidences. I think there are an appropriate number of coincidences. OK, it's a random, constantly expanding universe. Oh, you're just saying that because you want to disagree with me? I think there's a lot in the world and it's it's nuts. Like, you know, my my husband and I are both Armenian.


And we were like, how is it that we never knew anybody in common? And then I was going through his old pictures and I found a picture of him in a group. And my sister in law is in the picture with him. And it was just like this random coincidence. Wait, so if if and if an Armenian person in Los Angeles meets another Armenian person, it's hard for them to understand how we didn't meet before. Yes. Or how we do it, because it's a very it's a very close knit community.


Yes. Yeah, yeah. I'm always amazed when people come up to me and go, oh, do you know Jimmy? So and so I'll be like Jimmy Fitzgerald and I'll go like, no. Are you sure he's Irish? And I'll think, well, I think, like, one hundred million of us came over on one boat. It was a big ship sinking boat. And we got off and we all grabbed hockey sticks, started smashing everything around us and going around.


So I'm shocked that anyone thinks I know all Irish people. There's too many of you. It's just a lot of us. We're a hot mess. There's a lot of you. And there's because you guys reproduce a lot. Yeah. I routinely I knew other families that had nine kids. I knew families that had ten kids. That's a lot. It's a lot. Yeah. And you know what I've noticed, like towards the end, they don't even give them names like it's Tommy.


It is. It really is. Like there's there's there's Tommy and there's Shawn and like the first couple, there's they have names and at the end there's just they don't even give them names. Yeah. They just have to just like you and then over you are you. And if you look it up on the birth certificate it says instead of with a name is it says another one. It says another one. And then the last name. That's a true story that really happened, said the liar.


I just think about what is inappropriate. But when I hear ten kids, I'm just like, what's that vagina like? Great. You have to go. You have to go. Would you put the. It's just what is that vagina like?


I'll tell you this. What are you talking about. Reductive. What are you talking about. After ten kids after one. There's a lot that happens down there. Ten. Yeah. What do you do. You even barely push and you just comes out. It's like does autism contract again. Can you even do it. What do you mean can you do it. Do what. It's just so it's just such a traumatized vagina. I don't know.


What do you mean can you do it. Explain what you mean by do it. Can you have intercourse after. Like how does that work. Well there's I regret this. We should be bringing this up. We have to address this now. Now, come on. We don't have to. We do now. After each baby, the vagina heals back to its original condition. Original condition.


Is it, though, which one of us knows more about vaginas?


OK, do you really want to go toe to toe with me? Please stop. Anyone knows about vaginas. It's if you ask anybody in the Los Angeles or Boston area anything about a vagina, they'll say, well. Don't really know. You should go ask Bryant. He's the Virginia man. It snaps back to its original condition, heals completely by the time you get to 10, 11, 12. Yeah, kids are tumbling out at three months and they have to make it on their own.


They come out, they fall out like luggage, like luggage out of an overhead compartment during turbulence. The children just go tumbling. They go tumbling out and they're fully dressed in tweed suits and they're carrying briefcases that fully submerging listeners say, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Listen to left. If you don't want to talk to your children, you feel awkward talking to your children about these things. They should listen to the podcast.


This is a good source of information. It's education. Yes. Vagina's snapped back to the original condition. Then, of course, for the ninth and tenth their overhead compartments that have popped open in flight. Children fall out of several months like luggage, dressed in tweed suits and holding briefcases that are filled strangely with legal matters. That's it. I think we've got to get started. Yes, please. Yeah, I blame you on it. You can't act like you didn't do this.


You did. You know what? You're right. And I apologize to you. I brought up the vagina. But it is something I think about after ten kids. What is that vagina like? Not something I think about. I think how would the children be cared for? Will there be enough resources for them to all go to college? Yeah, I hope the spacing is enough so that each kid feels individualized. My mind does not go the old of which is what I call it.


You're so clinical. What do you call it? I call it the old badger who had just ended last night. Evidently I handed my notice. Your resignation. OK, you're handing me your resignation as I'm handing you mine. As soon as he heard all our resignations are smashing into each other in the middle of the room, the Mexican standoff, resignations just are just crashing into each other. It was Vadra that did it. The old badger. Goodbye.


Hey, what's the name of that company? I love plugging that Magoo's. Oh, my gosh. I forget when Mangoush does what should be a product that's used when you're having trouble down there if you're a lady. So I could do that ADIC I'd be like if you're having trouble down the alley, ladies, just use my goosh. It's the right thing for the old Majar. I'm firing a flare into the night sky and declaring that it's all over.


Hey, it can't be over because our guest today is just too damn good. My guest today is a hilarious comedian, writer and actor, you know, from such shows as Blackish, Angie Tribecca and Grown Ish. He was also a terrific writer and performer on my show for five years. I'm very excited to talk to him today.


Deon Cole, welcome, Deon. You didn't actually say you were my friend, you just say in the moments you were around me, you feel normal when I'm around Conan O'Brien, when I'm around him. So the minute you don't see me, you forget about me, right? Is that what you're saying? The minute you leave me all sort of goes away completely. I have to have my fat Irish head right in front of your face in order for you to feel anything about me.


Right. But if you if I died, if I died, you would come to my house, you would come to my wake and the casket would be open. And you'd be looking at me crying and saying, I'm so sad about Kohnen. And then they would shut the lid and you'd say, let's get the fuck out of here. I'll be saying very lightly to myself when I'm around. I want you to give my eulogy whenever I was around, so I didn't dislike and I didn't.


But the minute they walked away, what a shithead he was. The general. We only want around stories today. Yeah. Yeah. Today are just going to be around story. So let's talk about that. I met you. What year did I meet you? Would it have been like two thousand nine? I think it was like twenty nine is when I was doing The Tonight Show and you came on and you did great stand up said that was really hilarious.


Yeah. After I was done, you came to the green room and we talked about if I got a good parking space in there and that's all, you know, that's all. Some say some say my problem at The Tonight Show, if there was, then maybe my fatal flaw was I only worried about the parking spaces. And I really got into it. And I was great at parking spaces. And people would say, hey, Connie, what's your monologue going to be today?


What what comedy do you have ready? What he has to get to be like, hey, guys, we'll get to that. We'll get to that. I need to know if his has a good parking spot just to see have a good parking spot. Where is where is it? Is it near. That's too far. He's going to walk. That's not good. No, you you told me. I did. And you told me I did a fantastic job, buddy.


We're right. It did you did you find a good place to park. And it's like yes. In the parking lot. Just crazy. And we still talk about the parking lot for a minute. And yeah, that was you know, we had a really good you were really funny. And then we had a great talk and then we hired you I hired you to be a writer on the show. And you were not sure when you got there.


You weren't sure, right? You were you had some you had some worries about writing for me. I did. Because first of all, as a stand up comic and the number one issue at the time, which is crazy shit, but I had to wake up at like seven in the morning. And when I was used to go, I like it in this area of everyone being hypersensitive. People are so sensitive about race and about control. How do we how do we get together?


And you're like, oh, it wasn't that I did get it. I didn't want to get up at seven. I was going to bed at seven. And all right, at six o'clock, I was coming in and we'll do a comedy store, the Laugh Factory will be out all night, go to bed about five, six in the morning. So to be up at seven, they go to work. That was like different for me. Right after the first week of me doing that, I was just like, man, I don't know about this and I wasn't able to really get no bed.


So it's just like, you know what, this thing for me like this, that everybody was so great. Everybody was like I went to school for. Right. Mary was just amazing and it was intimidating. I just was like, man, I was like I. And on top of that, another thing, too, I just won this contest at this thing called Nerka. And that is when you perform in front of each, you perform in front of a representative from thousands of schools.


And if they like you, did they hire you to come? And I just want it where I have like probably about three hundred schools. I want it to pay me like three thousand dollars to come perform. So I had that lined up. So I was like, man, I don't know if I really want to stay here. Right. And wake up at seven o'clock. So what changed your mind? What made you think I'm going to stick this out?


I'm going to give it a I'm going to give it a little bit of try. What happened was the first thing that happened was you had two people, two black people working there named Chris Hayes. Erica, I think Brown and Erica Brown, Erica Brown. Erica came in my office and I was like, yo, I'm quit as I because I'm not I'm not I'm not fitting in at all or whatever. Erica Kane in my office, like, here's a business card.


And when black people say something kind of racist, they look over both shoulders before they say it's so she was like, that's you looking over both shoulders and just Erica. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She said, we really need you in a writers room. I know black people over there. Please. You're doing just go over there and just be you be great. And that was like I was like, if I stand like I say that to her, but in my mind, I'm like, don't put that black shit on me.


I'm leaving. All right. Chris Hayes came in there not even knowing he was like, yeah, I want to set your computer. And he was now I'm telling you, he looked over his shoulder, showed. So I'm not in Boston. I'm not even making this up. He was like, yes, my door was open. He was the only black right over. You got to represent us. And I said, do that. Thank you, man.


But in my mind, I was going on annoying stand. I know I'm not. And then I was just thinking about them at the time. I was just like, man, if I leave, I'll be like, he gave up even when he didn't want to stick this out or whatever. And then I was like, I'm I stay around. And then one of your right. It's funny, though, but yeah. Yeah, he was like this.


Hey man, how many times a fifty cent gets shot. I was like, motherfucker. Oh no, no, wait a minute. What do you mean you don't know. I don't know. But I didn't want to be the black guy who knew. I guess you do know. Yes, I knew. It was nice. It was nice. Yeah. But I want but I didn't want to be the stereotypical black guy who knew how many shots.


Oh, my God, we just blew the lid off this whole race thing in America. You know how many times 50 cent was shot in itself? But. There's no way so this guy, this so this writer thought that this was funny and probably thought we're all comedy writers. So it's cool if I say this because you'll understand that it's a joke and it's fine. It's good. But it just became every week, every right, every Friday.


Come to me. Hey, who sang this song? Sing Back Here, do some Marvin Gaye lyrics, and I'll be like Marvin Gaye. In the end, it just leaves. Did he say how many times was Marvin Gaye shot? Twice. Yes. Every question was followed up because that's what I get. I get down. People come to me and it's about Irish people like. So Robert Kennedy, did he how close were you to becoming president?


Oh, my God. Well, he might. He would have. He would have. You might have gotten the nomination. I'm not sure if he could have beat Nixon. How many times was he shot? And I have to go. I don't know when I do know. But just once in the skull. Yes, but you say you can still be stereotypical white guy. No. How many shots? I know. I know. It's racism.


Each race is responsible for knowing how many times someone in their race was shot who was famous. So, so, so. So I was like, yo, I'm out of here, I'm going to leave. And so I told my manager I'm leaving. Right. We met in the parking lot and she said, please do not go. I'll give you one more week. She said, just do it for me, give it one more week.


So I was like, I cool. I said a nothing I write is funny. I was like, I just I'm not fitting in. And so that next week we was in the writers room. Sweeney was talking about doing a bit for an October fest. Yeah, I said it was October fest. And I was like laughing and sweating and it was like, this is Jeremy drinking day. And I simply was just like because at this moment I'm really not giving a fuck because I know I'm leaving, because before that I wasn't really talking a lot.


But this time I knew I was leaving. So I really I was just letting how I really felt that because I know I was going, gosh, I was just like drinking day. I was everybody got my fucking drink a day. I was like, I going St. Patty's Day. Hispanics got Cinco de Mayo and not Germans. Germans got that. And fast I'm like, when are we going to get a black fucking drink? I remember this.


And instantly Sweeney was like, write that up. And I was like, like what? He was like, write it up. And I was like, I only know how to write it up. He was just so you and he showed me came my office you sent me to simply and I wrote it up and we gave it and we gave it to you to write, to say or do a bit of. Yeah. And when you read it you was like, nah, let him do it.


Don't do it. Yeah, don't do it. And then that's when shit really got wild. I was like, what made you come out and say it and do it. And now it's like, oh OK. And shit. Next thing I know man we did one more bit like that. Well we didn't. But next time we was talking about haunted houses and I said it and they was talking about no, I wrote this bit where I wanted you to go to, to Universal Studios today.


I went to a haunted house and I got there too late. And when I was leaving automats, this was an alley smoking a cigarette I was drinking with without a blood. Just so so the bit that I wrote was like, man, I want to go kick it with the mostest. The it yeah. I was like, that'd be great. And Sweeney said that you was like to be on go do it and. Wow. Well why do we have Bob, do you know why I wasn't being nice.


I just didn't want to get up at 7:00 in the morning. No, but, you know, because you've got black, you know, but I've seen I seen the thing is, so many people get in their heads that there's a way to write comedy. And this was in my head when I started writing comedy. I thought, I'm funny with my friends and I can make them laugh, but I can't sit down and write something that then I get paid for it.


I'm not a real comedy writer. And then what happens is you end up just being in a room and you say something to make the other writers laugh and they all laugh and they go, that's good. That's a good bit. Write it up. And you go, Well, that's comedy writing. You were in a weird situation and you're the only black writer in the room. And then you think, well, they know something I don't when the truth is, you know, all you need to know, which is I know how to be funny.


I know how to be funny. And then you started writing stuff and then you're on the show. I think you're on the show like once a week. It was crazy. Like after that. After that on a hospital. We did a TV guy wrote this article and said stars for and when that's when I saw that and it highlighted me, I was like kind of taken aback. I was like, oh, this is crazy. But then I stopped thinking and I was like, man, instead of me trying to write like that, if I just be myself, you just say what's on my mind and what I think.


I think it would be funny, especially with him trying to deal with it. So I think that's what I would have to do instead of me trying to write like these guys, why don't I write like myself? And then we see what happens like that. So that's what's happened. And it's just me being me. And just the more that I was me, the more that it worked. Well, what happened was really quickly, really quickly, I'd say.


And we wanted to know more about this. So I asked my friend Don and I wouldn't even get to call in. The crowd would be like, oh, good. I mean, and I think you had gotten to that point pretty quickly. And that's when I decided we got to stop this guy. That's just a fucking Kohnen show because it's edgy on show. And that's what I got all my white friends to hear is OK. But this is going to go she's getting and we're going to start at six in the morning.


At six in the morning for now. I that yeah I know. But you know, so, so whatever Tonight Show, everyone knows what happens there that blows up. But you've established yourself at that point and then I decide I want to go on this crazy tour because there was this period of time where I was not allowed to appear on television and I said, screw it, then go out on the road and do a live show. And I want it to be a great show.


I want it to be an incredible live experience. And I was like, I have like a fever running. I wanted it to be so great. I wanted music. I wanted comedy. And that's when it came to you. And I said, would you come with me and be in the center of the show in the middle of the show? And you said yes. And then you and I were on buses and planes and we were all over the country together.


That was another monumental moment in my career that made me go, wow, I've never been on a private plane ever in my life. It wasn't my plane. That's the only thing is everyone on the tour thought that was my plane, but we actually had to get a plane, a private plane to make some of those dates. So we we rented it out. We paid it out for the from the tour money. But some of the people in the tour, like Conan's, got a nice plane.


But this isn't my place. Right? If I own this plane, that would be broke in six if I owned a plane. No, I'll tell you a funny story, man. The first day of that, when I got on that plane, I remember getting on a plane and I had like this. I had these white, like Gucci sunglasses on at this Gucci garment bag. And I had a Gucci trolley and walked on on a plane.


And you, Jeff and he was sitting there, hey, what's going on? I was like, Hey, fellas. And you simply went, That's the nice luggage. And I was like, Thanks. And they're like, that's I said, no less. Said, Ba ba ba.


Why would I take care of it, I was like here as I am to take care of it, I was so embarrassed that I had been like this on that plane, because you are our multimillionaire motherfuckers sitting there with, like one trash bag. I had this, like, luggers I've ever seen, but just a little black bag little had on that was a beat up old bag and for some reason had the Canadian flag on it. And I still have it.


And I think I used it a weekend to go. And it's just I look like someone who slept at the bus station and you come on with it with not just one douchebag, but a message of beauty and then sunglasses that matched the luggage. And I never saw anybody match their sunglasses to the luggage. So I remember the next. So we went home. I all this shit and put it up. Never took that seven luggage, that luggage.


I went and got some other luggage that was way more deluded. You got some, you got some trash bags. Just you can fit in with the rest of us. Let me ask a question because I want you to tell this story. I know you've told this, but I want to get this on the podcast because it's just one of the great stories, which is we start going and the tours was very successful. And so we got to stay in nice hotels and we got to travel like like first class, although it was very nice.


There was some kookiness on the bus every now and then. But for the most part we're seeing and really nice places. And you stayed up one night and partied hard, had a couple of other people. And I just I always thought this story was like because we all heard about this story, I was like, that's brilliant. Can you tell the story? You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Yes. The mini bar. The mini bar.


Oh, yes. We we we kicked it so far after one of the shows and I think we were going to the next city the next day. The next morning. So we party we closed this bar down, left the bar, went to my room, opened up my mini bar and drank everything in the mini bar, woke up that morning and was like, yo man, we drink to stuff like, yo. I looked at the bill on it and the bill was like insane.


I was like, yo, I cannot pay that. I can not pay that with my Guzzi luggage. So yeah, you could sell, you could sell one shoulder bags, you could buy a hotel. I can, I cannot afford this. So I was sitting there thinking I was like, man, but what's the difference between this and the regular look in stores? So I went I got up and I went to a whole bunch of liquor stores and bought a whole bunch of a little mini bar.


You went to the store to store. You find the matching bottles from any bar, including like, yeah, you didn't stop until you would exactly recreate the every last one of those, including Eminem's, that was. I work place orders. Yeah, but you, which was smart, says Four Seasons Eminem's and we all know this because we've had that like a weak moment when we're in a hotel room. Right. Like, screw it. I need to have the peanut Eminem's.


Yeah. And then you later find out that they were twenty eight dollars at the Four Seasons. And so then you just see you when you went to like 7-Eleven and got the same amount. So, so I went to the liquor store, I was closed and then they said it's another liquor store that's open and I went to that one and then they only had half of the stuff. So then I go to the liquor store on behalf of the state.


But they didn't have Eminem. So I had to go to 7-Eleven and go get the Eminem Suleyman's Doritos. And I came back and I restocked the whole shipment. That's insane. I remember we all were hearing that and I'm like, that guy that's a criminal mastermind at work, that it's just a genius move. I mean, I thought the whole thing just gives me an idea for a business. And I will. I will. I will. You and I could go into business together.


We could start a business we set up in front of fancy hotels and we offer people the entire costs, everything that would come in the minibar, but for one fifteen some price. And we still make a huge profit. And we drive around in a van from Nice Hotel, the nice hotel in really ritzy cities, van in a van. And we're like, it's just someone's checking in here. Like, you might think I might use the mini bar.


Yeah, I think I'm like, OK, here's the deal. You can buy anything in the minibar, but at a fraction of the cost. Richard, uncowed. Isn't that right? It doesn't fucking matter. That's not the point. The point is you want in on this or not. We're here for you. We're here for you, man.


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So yeah, when I think of fantasy football, I think of Conan O'Brien. Yeah. That's why I like Fan Duel and I love Best Ball Contest. Yeah. Yeah. No different strategies, no waiver wire, all that kind of stuff. Yeah. Hey if you're not. Yeah I keep saying yeah it's good beer. Yeah. If you need a fan do you even get a 20 percent bonus on your first deposit. Up to five hundred clamorous.


That's bucks to you when you sign up at fan duel dotcom koenen. So be sure to go to fan duel dotcom. Going to to start drafting for baseball. Fan duel. Yeah. Fan duel baseball Konan. And you know what I hate what I hate meetings, meetings, meetings, meetings, that's the part of my life I don't love. Now it comes with success. Hello, I've had some, but but I hate the people like, oh, hey, Conan, let's have another meeting now.


Let's have another meeting. Another meeting gets boring, you know. Yeah. It's nice to see people's faces, but you don't need to do it as often when you use Monday dot com. You want me to tell you about it? Yeah. What is it? Hey, thanks. Suitable for any size from a team of five working together to thousands collaborating across the globe. What are they building? The pyramid. It's even suitable to podcast production.


Yeah, we could be using that.


Cut out some of the dead weight around here. I'm sorry, Colin, we don't need you. He's the engineer right now still. I know, but we don't need him. What's he doing? He's just gumming up the works we can use. Monday, Dotcom has a customizable project management platform that makes effective teamwork possible near or far. Sounds good.


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You killed it on that tour and and then you went on to Angie Tribeca, blackish and grown ish, I mean, you've done so spectacularly well and everyone is just deliriously happy for you because you and, you know, it's nice. You came to me on the tour. You said you wanted to talk to me, so you came over to my hotel room one day. I remember this. I don't I don't know where we were or if we were in Atlanta or where we were.


But you wanted to you sit and talk to me and you asked me, like, what do you think? What do you think I should do? What do you think? The next step for me and I never know what's the next step for anybody. I just know that they have to do it their way. Absolutely. And you also told me that sticks with me to this day, which I tell other people you as I don't get discouraged chasing these magical moments because every moment a magical, very moment was magical.


We want to that magical right. That was something that always stuck with me, too, you know. So it made me ease the pain of not succeeding. There's something sometimes we're not getting to something because I would be like that's just not that magical moment at that time or whatever. But but but I think I like that it eases the process in order to create. And so, yeah. I mean, anything you ever told me, man, I was sick to get sick.


It's a no no. I was wrong about one thing. I remember when I told you early on ventriloquism, you should get to know, you should get it done. I said I don't. You said I don't think so. Conan that decision. I said, look, I know talent. You need to get it, dummy. You need to learn to throw your voice. I said it's gone away, but it's come back in our business.


It's going to be big. I remember you looked really with me then. You know, it's interesting because you always had you've always had your great joke writer. And you you you're such a great performer as well. But what's interesting to me is I remember when you did a thing, when I first saw you where you would take these really brave pauses in your act and you would pretend to think about something and you would write in the little invisible notebook and take notes.


And I remember thinking, there's so many people in comedy that just want to go for energy and attitude because it's easier then and less scary than thinking through what? How is this a smart joke? How is this a good joke? How is this a true joke? And then figuring out little bits to do on the side that really are incredibly, I don't know, unique. They give you a moment like you can play the pauses really? Well, yeah.


And I don't know if that's something that you always I mean, who are you who inspired you when you were thinking about doing standup before you'd even tried it? Who are the people you were interested in? Well, I love Mitch Hedberg. Yeah, I love I mean, obviously, Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy and and Ellen Ellen was somebody that was really that I really watch it to see them. Right. Steven Wright was another great one. That that ad that I love, Steven Wright also is similar.


I mean, in that thing where he didn't there was no neediness. Was Steve's idea in need? The crowd? He was he was going to do his thing his way and you could come. And if you didn't come, that was your problem. That was your problem. And if you wanted to leave like he was horrible, whatever, then that's that's on you. Or you could take this journey with him or whatever. So those are people that I kind of like they looked up to and kind of like like I really kind of studied and watched or whatever.


But another thing that I like that always resonated with you about, even when I watched you when you was in New York, was the fact that you are like a master at, like, deconstructing. And that was something that I loved. I loved to deconstruct what I'm doing because it gives people a sense of, like, not bullshit and then that you a part of this and you see it and we know it is. So that's another element that that I that I used with that.


You know, this is a deconstruction where you see that I'm trying this out. And nine times out of ten, if I got a list of five jokes, please believe one, maybe two are ones that I've never done before. Yeah. Just so I can get the real reaction, you know. Yes, yes, yes. It not working so I can react or sometimes I write a terrible joke just because the reaction is bigger than the joke.


Yes. I mean that's and and and and with your comedy and how you are you you've mastered that. And that was something I always like kind of gravitated, which you like I said before you even came out, before we hooked up. I just always loved that. That was always, you know, it's just. And you probably agree with this, it feels to me like a lot of comedy is is letting people know we're all on the same page here.


And what I like to do is always let people know I'm exactly with you. So if something isn't quite working, I know, too, as opposed to trying to snow them into thinking, look, this is slick. Yeah, maybe they didn't trust me at work, but it was good enough. No, no, no. You want to keep it cool because when you let them know that you're with them, the power is in. I mean, people love it.


They absolutely love it. They love it. And but you have to be brave enough to do that. You have to know yourself. You got to be comfortable with yourself to do that. And it will also tell you something as a comic, if you can't do that. Right. So you have to look at that and go, do I have the power to do that? Am I do I have the power to fuck up and own it and make it make it just as hilarious, so funny or it's funny or is funnier than the actual joke on my Netflix special.


I did it on there like I do. I do it all the time. And it's just something that I love to do. I love to do that, man. I like I said and I'm not just saying this because we have right now, but just even watching you late night man. I just love how you all to do those bits, man. And then you would just tear that. It was so great because it would be like you write the joke and the and then here comes the real joke.


You just laughed at this joke. But here come the real thing is you are a you're a really good actor. Did you know did you ever think you were saying for second, I just want to go into acting or did you know standup was what you wanted to do? Because there are there are actually there are people that get into standup because they're really interested in acting and they get into standup hoping they'll get noticed. And then they do get some notice.


And then you can tell the second it starts to click and acting, they never do stand up again. But that's not you. I can tell like you're always you could win an Oscar tomorrow and you'll be like, OK, but I'm touring. Yeah. And that's and that's exactly how I am. When I was younger, I always was thinking to myself, man, I would love to act because I was like the only child. So it was always just me on television all the time growing up me in television to this day, me and television, it's always was always looked into my acting and how people act.


But I just it just never was an avenue for me as far as I financially time, whatever. I just never was able to do it. So when I did standup, what's so weird is I still wasn't I fell in love with standup so hard I didn't even think stand up would give me to acting because I was so caught up into standup. Like I was even thinking about that because I was like, man, standup is so great, I love this.


And then friends around me start landing roles. And then that's what made me go, oh right. Yeah, I just oh I forgot about acting. Right. I want to do. Yeah. I should use this to last some roles but yeah I was not thinking at all like yeah I'm going do stand up and then I can get some acting bits. Whatever I fell in love with stand up on this was all right because I, I'm, because I'm, because this is something where you can be you, you can be different and any like learning lines.


You know what I mean. This is this is on a whole nother page. You know, standup is so I always even when I put my name on something and some people be like actor, comedian, I'll be like now is comedian acting like I always try to correct them. If I catch it, I always be like, no, it's comedian. Actor. Yeah, I talked to Chappelle. What? I mean, I talked to Chris Rock one time.


He said he said, you're a comedian before you're anything that that dictates how you respond to other things that happen in life. He was like before you, an American, you're a man, before you black, whatever your race is, before you any of that for your father, you're a comedian first and then then that dictates everything else that you do. So I consider you a comic. You always comedian, host, whatever, but your comic, your time.


And then I got time. I like that. Well, so what you're saying is you only know me as a comic. You don't even know what race I am. No, no. I will say I will say like when when people in this moment and it's this moment and I think a lot of good is going to come out of the last couple of months of just since George Floyd and. And just people feeling these horrible feelings and anger and one thing that occurs to me sometimes it is like there is a way of communicating which does feel in some ways kind of magical, which is when you sit around and laugh with people have like whatever separates you does tend to disappear immediately.


Do you know what I mean? Rather than sitting and probing like, well, what tell me about your experiences. And now you tell me I'll tell you my experiences and your experiences and let's try and think our way through this. Sometimes when you're just when you're laughing, it is something magical about it. I mean, I'm just thinking about what would Chris Rock said, which is which is so true is you just the First Amendment and which was at San Alive when that would be nine like nineteen eighty nine.


Yes. Obviously it's like he's the fact that he's so fucking funny is could melt everything and he could melt anything else that might make somebody self-conscious can melt away. And I would think maybe I just unfortunately not that many people are that funny. You're all right though. Are you all right? Everybody had an amazing sense of humor, really. I really do think if everybody had an amazing sense of humor, racism would disappear. But the problem is that's yeah, that's not going to happen.


That's hard to come by. And nowadays, especially, people don't have a sense of humor at all. But, you know, you just had me think about something just now. And I think it's really true. I think people lately, it seems like when you do laugh, it's like it's a real laugh. Like people are like it's almost like they they want they want to laugh so bad they want to release so bad. I think when this shit is over with, my comedy is going to go on me through the roof.


Yeah. Yeah. I think people are going to come out. If you do comedy man, it's going to be saying that the type of love that people are going to come out for and receive and to the comics, what that what they're going to receive to the man this is going to be it's going to be electrifying. And twenty twenty two. Oh no.


Oh no. Well I hope not man. Oh I just heard that it blew my mind. Oh yeah. You heard Foushee say. Yeah, it's not going to be the end of the end of twenty twenty. Hey what if, what if she is getting so much attention like Brad Pitt's playing him on Saturday Night Live and he's getting to like throw baseballs at games and stuff and he's a national hero. What if he's saying like this could go on to twenty, twenty seven.


Really? No, we have a cure. Yeah. I don't try it just yet. CNN tonight, it's like, look, I have a chance with Halle Berry. Let's just shut the fuck up, everybody. No, no, no, no, just just shut up. No, in Sweden, they have a system in Sweden. He's right. He's right. He's going to be comedians are going to be happy when this is over because it's going to blow up for us.


And Fouche, he's going to be pissed. He's going to be sitting at the back of a comedy club watching you kill because rotavirus is over and you're going to be on stage killing with all the pent up energy and observations you've you built up during quarantine. And he's going to be in the back, going to be somebody he'll be telling the waitress, I was fauji, sir. Surgeon to drink minimum. Sir, you need another drink? I have a chart I could show you from a year ago.


No, I'm good. I'm not going to be him. That's going to be him. He's not the cure. So he decides. Doctor, you. What's that? Oh, it's just nasal spray. He says proving cure approved on it. No, no, it's a breast breath drop. So just don't worry about that. Oh, no, don't worry about this. Just me with Hamilton this year in Hamilton. Jordan. Hamilton. Yeah.


Yeah, I know. Well, that's going to be great. He just keeps suppressing the virus. No, no, no. There's another trial now. Every chance we gave it to you immediately got better and became more of girl even cleans your teeth. This is an amazing it's been totally improved. We've tried it on every animal, every station. It needs six more years. Hey, baby, get over here. Oh, my God. So how are you staying sane these days?


How are you like? Because, you know, I agree with you. You bring up something really important, which is whenever there was a period of plague or something back in, you know, fifteen hundred fourteen hundreds right afterwards, there's was always like a burst of great artistic work. And I think I think there could be I mean, right now people are stuck and they're upset. And it's not just in comedy, but you think, what are people writing, what are people drawing?


What are people what ideas or people having? I mean, just on the sort of optimistic side, I think some incredible work might come out of that. It's going to be some beautiful shit. We're going to see when this is over. We're from paintings to music to movie ideas to everything we like. And we're going to see a lot of crossbreeding going on as far as entertainers are concerned. Yeah, yeah. Like, I'm I'm a deejay and is just I taught myself how to deejay live in front of everybody since the beginning is pandemic and now de Jesus enemy new songs to play and break.


I was also a part of this big ass thing called Race to Vote, where it was like me, Jazzy Jeff and Louie Vega and Amazing Days. And we are together and I have the equipment for about three years. I just never play. And now I have the time I taught myself. So this is going you're going to see a lot of people doing, a lot of people going to be basically like doing other things that we're going to see.


You know, I have a question. Do you when you do, do you let any of your comedy you try and put any of that in there, too? Because it could be that could be a very powerful combination.


Like I like sometimes I play an instrumental and then I'll play one of my comedy bits on top of the instrumental and let it play. And then at the end of every one of my sets, I talk about what's going on in the world, man, and just work on some material just to see if it works. You know how you know the parts that come up here? Nobody laughs. I just I tell a joke and then I wait and then you wait.


Your eyes go dead. But that wouldn't work for me. Yeah, I'm just I'm going off of what I'm waiting. Eight seconds to see for heart's slowed up a screen to prove that I'm funny. It would be like, oh God, no, no time for me to be an accountant. That would absolutely be terrible. Does it matter? Yeah. Every Sunday I get down at 11:00 a.m. L.A. time and I get that every Sunday Desco Sunday Fellowship.


I play all disco music. That's all I play, man. This has been great, man, and like I said, everybody needs to just take this opportunity to do something different, whatever you felt like you wanted to do, you should be doing it now, man. You know, just using it as a hobby. And you never know what might happen because I went from three people to like twenty thousand people every Sunday and that I watched.


That's great.


No, I had never I had always been curious about heroin, but I have a job and I had a family. And during covid I was like, if I went and you know what? It's fantastic. It takes you to this place. And maybe this is irresponsible, is it? It is. You sure? I'm just saying I've seen the face of God when I rode the white horse. You got enough time to kick in to see you can't be doing a little heroin and be like, I got to go here in forty five minutes and traffic is going to be thirty five.


No it doesn't work. Six months to kick it out the system. Yeah. I am so happy that you could do this that you could come on because I love you. I love talking to you and and you kidding. You kidding. You just I'm very happy for you, you know. I'm very happy for you. And you you deserve everything you've got in times one hundred. So just don't forget me. You know, someday, you know, when you're at the very top, bring me in and and ridicule me in front of people I love you to pieces.


I'll always talk about you. I'm always asked about you. Anything I do, man. I always, always, always bring you up man. Other people always bring you. Thank you for the lesson. Oh, God, no, no, no, no. I'm serious thinking you I'm just going to point out to people who are curious that Deon's claps his hands a lot as he talks, slapping. That's laughing. In case you've been listening to this, people listening to this, they're going to think that you just have a giant.


Your room is filled with bubble wrap and you're just you're just popping it like a maniac. Doing it was great. I love that podcast with of bubble wrap because he lost his fucking mind. You know, you're going to you're not going to divert away from you a master divert. You're going you're going to take this love I'm giving. I won't. I love you. I love you. Thank you. Thank you for everything. I know I can handle it.


Oh no, thank you though. All right. Well, let's let's get through this let's get through this thing and thank you for being so funny and honest. And and I look back on it and I think I wish it had been immediately easy for you day one to come into our show. And it wasn't. And I feel I feel bad that it wasn't. But I'm glad that we got to the right place. Man. Without that, I wouldn't have the skin that I have and I wouldn't be what I am without the right.


I wouldn't change a thing, man. Thank you. All right. All right. Mr. Cole. He always makes me call him Mr. Cole. One huge balls on this guy, Mr. Cole. And the second year I knew you became Dr. Cole. I don't even think you're a doctor. Nearly as Dr. Dre. Dr. Dre is a real doctor. I looked it up. He's an orthopedic surgeon. He's the least cool doctor ever operate. Just inserts.


Just some orthotics really shows up to surgery with headphones. He's a great doctor. That's great. All right. And you'd be. Well, take care of. Thank you. Bye bye. Oh, I see. If.


OK, this is no lie, but the product I'm talking about now is a product which is in my refrigerator every day, I think I, I have this bread every day. Open up the refrigerator. Dave's killer bread. Have you had this son? Have you had Dave's killer bread?


Oh, I have had Dave's. But I don't know why you said that in such a weird way. It came out that way. Yeah. I hate you.


Have you have. I know they sent you some. I have. They sent this lot and I, I meant to say it in a way where I was like, oh, I love Dave's but it much creepier. Yeah.


It sounds like you're in a cult or something. I love this bread. I really do. It's the bread that's in our refrigerator. I really like it. And it's got all these great seeds in it and it makes it's great on a sandwich or it makes actually really good toast to Dave's killer bread. Excellent toast. But then I found out something about the company that I didn't know. They're really into second chance employment, which I think is an amazing, an amazing mission.


One in four Americans has some kind of criminal record and sometimes they have a hard time getting a second chance. Fresh start. Dave's killer bread employs those people, gives them a chance, lets them rebuild their life, turn their life around. And that's kind of the purpose of every loaf that they make. And I'm telling you, sometimes someone has a great cause and the products, OK, this is really good bread.


I like this bread. I if I could, I would keep this bread in my pocket and use it as a wallet, you know, sort of put the money on the credit cards in between two slices of Dave Keiller bread and then. But it would get soggy. I would sweat.


Would you do that. Why. What did you just eat it?


I'm going to be honest with you. I started that sentence not knowing where I was going and making a wallet out of Dave's killer bread. Not a good idea, but I like what they're doing. I really like their bread. And I like this idea of giving people a fresh start, second chance employment. So learn more about what they're doing at Dave's killer bread dotcom slash second chances. That's Dave's killer bread dotcom slash. Second chances don't make a wallet out of it.


That was a stupid idea. Let's do some review, the reviewers. This is from down with smores and another one called Smores. They're both five star reviews. But the first says a bad Scorsese film is more disappointing than a bad Roland Emmerich film because you expect better. And that's why smores are the most disappointing snack of all. Yes, we talked about this. Thank you.


And then the next one real quick says, I'm aligned with Conan and Gawley on smores, toasted marshmallow by itself or with a small square of chocolate shoved in the middle. Graham crackers have no business being near a campfire. Yes.


Well, listen, this is something that we brought up. We started talking about s'mores because we named our summer series S'mores and that some chum's or something. So I know that's the best I can do. I'm not a fan of this program and I refuse to listen to it. Summer S'mores with Koenen in the Chilterns. OK, yeah. And you are. I'm Seona. Oh my God. Hello. I'm your assistant for the last 11 years. Now you are an assistant would assist me, but anyway.


Oh gosh. All right, listen, place you take advantage. You do. You're a scam artist. Oh so sad. You just went all right. Do I do. Listen, we talked about it on the shows, Mr. Smores. And I maintained people act like smores. The most amazing things in the world. They suck, they're terrible. And they get I would leave smores alone only they get this street cred as being the greatest thing that ever happened, which only exposes how horrible they are.


It's like a shingle that has some tar on it.


And everyone is suppose everyone's been trained to like it, but nobody really likes this every now everybody like it's like an old library card with some sludge and some shaving cream on it.


It just sounds like you two haven't been invited to like too many barbecues are not barbecues like campfires. I went to a lot of campfire. No, it's you didn't do it right. I was in the Girl Scouts for four years. I wore a wig. You know what I'm saying is I did plenty of time in summer camp. And that is a cool thing to say. You did a lot of time. I did time in summer camp and they would always say, now, guess what?


It's a real treat. And I would think, great, yeah. Let's get a real treat. Right. You know, and no, it wasn't a real treat. It wasn't really good. High quality cheese popcorn, which is fantastic. That's my cheese popcorn. You just take it out of the bag and you eat. It takes work. You put your time into. Oh, that's so that's why they're so hard. Want to roast. It's so hard.


Hard to know. And you put them onto the chocolate at the right time and it melts the chocolate. It is. It's so one test and every year at a campfire there's nothing to drink and it's such a dry gooey mess. There's never any drink there at the campfire. So you're basically being asked to eat this molten piece of space shuttle tile. Oh, that. And then you're supposed to just re-enter the atmosphere and you're supposed to pick it up and shove it in your face and go.


Best thing ever. Thanks, counselor. And there's no water there. There's no drink. There's no milk. There's nothing because you don't have that at a campfire.


Well, I mean, you could take it with you. I don't know, put it in a cooler. I just don't agree with. Look, I think that these are overwhelmingly loved and you happen to read two reviews from two people who don't like them. But I think those two people are going to make a statement. I'm going to make a state, I'm going to make a statement that s'mores are the Manhattan clam chowder of candy. Oh, you know what I means?


Overrated. But no one's ever said no one's ever said, got to get me some Manhattan clam chowder. Is that different than Boston clam chowder? Why, yes, it is. Let me explain. OK, Boston clam chowder. And I'm from Boston and I'm very proud of our chowder. It is a thick, creamy it's made with cream and butter and it's fantastic. Manhattan clam chowder. If someone was bitter down in New York, then Boston was getting all this attention for its creamy chowder.


So what they did is they said, yeah, well, guess what? We're going to make something different. And someone next to them said, yes, but what are you going to do? Roko up in Boston, they got cream and they got, they got clams. Well we got to keep the clams. Yeah. I'm a big loser but we got to lose a battle. We can't lose a potato. You got to have that stuff.


Plus it's cheap and it fills it out. I know we'll lose the part. Everyone loves the cream and the butter and it'll just be watery tomato soup. No, and it's watery. Tomato soup with clams grows. And you know what? I think if you looked into it, no one's ever ordered it at a restaurant. Hundreds of millions of gallons are made a year and it's never been won. Hundreds of millions of gallons. Yeah, OK.


Yeah, you know why there's no covid Qiryat? Why there is one that they could do, but they can't get it up to speed because the same machines are used to make Manhattan clam chowder. And those machines people are like don't even like. Manhattan clam chowder, fuck it, we got to keep cranking this shit out. No one's drinking it. We can switch those machines over to making a Kovik. You're right now. We can't do it.


There's got to be as much of this shit as the Boston shit, equal amounts because New York is just as strong as Boston Strong. So it's just this petty war of chowders. It's denying us the complete cure to covid-19 getting. One day they could switch those factories over. But because of this Kouda feud, America continues to lie and wait. Man waiting for the day of a cure that we agree on. Yeah, that's a bad shooter. And that proves my point.


No, it doesn't. Yeah, it does. Now, you just talked about Chouteau. It's not the same. If you say that smores are good, it means you don't want to cosied cure. Oh OK. Gotcha. My logical trappe undeniable. Look at it. If you've been charting that at home, you'll see that I built the perfect logical web. You are unwell and Sonus trapped in the middle flailing.


Help me. Help me. OK, well we solved it. We did. We did. We. Yeah we did it. Yeah. I need the people who like the smores to just come on all of our social media channels and start being more vocal. Let's start a movement. I know the only problem is they're going to try and leave their comments, but their mouths are filled with hot, dry mud. Yeah, you can't start a movement with two people.


Yeah, OK. Hey, Gary and I are on the same side against Sona and I'm liking this. This is like a new alliance of Avenger's. I hate this. This is stupid. And you OK. Also I think that I think once my smores people back me up, you guys will realize how unpopular your opinion is. So I feel like I'm going to win this one. Don't make us call on the legion of people who don't like spoilers.


Yeah, fuck those people. Well, you just said fuck you to ninety two percent of the country. I don't care. And actually the civilized world, if you don't like smores, I don't want to know you. If you if you don't like smores and you see me on the street, don't even come up to me. There are countries developing countries where they honestly don't have enough to eat. And the government has several times tried to give them some more money.


So we're good all at the same time. We're good. Giant crates of supplies were parachuted in. We're good at what they say.


Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sunim Obsession, and Conan O'Brien has himself produced by me, Matt Gali, executive produced by Adam Sachs and Jeff Ross, the Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Airwolf theme song by The White Stripes, Incidental Music by Jimmy Lavina. Our supervising producer is Aaron Belayer and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. The show is engineered by Will Beckton. You can rate and review this show on Apple podcast and you might find your review featured on a future episode.


Got a question for Conan. Call the Team Coco hotline at three, two, three, four, five, one, two, eight, two, one, and leave a message if you could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien needs a friend on Apple podcasts, stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a team cocoa production in association with DeWolfe.