Hey there, listeners, it's me, Conan O'Brien, I'm dropping in to tell you about something very special, which is that I am sitting here with the very lovely and talented Nicole Byer, who is now an official member of the Team Coco family.
Yes, it's true. It is true. And part of the Team Coco family, my show, Why Won't You Date Me is now. And the continued about. Yeah, now, Nicole, yes, now that you're done shouting, tell us for those who don't know about your show. I do. I've been a fan of yours for a long, long time. And we've had some absolutely hilarious conversations over the years. And you have taught me a great deal.
How would you describe this podcast? How would you describe why won't you date me?
Well, I mean, you said one of the first things it is a lot of yelling. I love to yell.
Yelling is one of my favorite things to do.
But what you're you do it in a very musical way, though. I have to say, you have a very it's a very singsong. It sounds like you're singing and I love it.
Thank you. It's because I can't really sing in real life. I'm pretty tone deaf. So, you know, you go I take the melodies where you could find them.
Sure. But the show, Why Won't He Date Me? Is a show about me, Nicole Byer, trying to figure out how I'm still single. And honestly, through the pandemic, it has morphed into more of, like, whatever I want to talk about, sprinkled with love and sex, because your friend is having a hard time dating during Corona. Yeah.
And also, I just want to put it out there. You are very, very candid about your sex life, your desires, your requirements. Yes, your needs.
And I've learned a ton because I come from a culture where sex is not discussed and I can listen to you for twenty minutes and learn more about sex and dating and single sex life than I would ever find out.
In five hundred years I've realized I'm just trying to help the people that help the people of the world. If you have a question, you can listen to a podcast and you'll learn in time. You'll learn about sex, you'll learn about what you can use instead of having sex like a fabric gun. You know, we'll talk about it more. We'll talk about it more. Yeah.
I had a very good time with Nicole on her show, and I just wanted to give you a snippet of what the conversation sounded like. If you want to hear the whole thing, including how you can use a ferret gun to pleasure yourself.
And I know for to why won't you date me wherever you get your podcasts, be sure to hit subscribe. It is a really funny show with great guests like yours truly. And here's a little taste of our conversation.
Koenen, do you have brothers, do you have friends who are single, help me, help me find. Yes. Do you, do you have a friend.
Yes I have friends who are single. I'm not going to get you involved with anyone in my family because Tony, let me be an O'Brien.
You don't want it. Trust me, you don't know Brian. You don't. You're right. You know, Brian. I did. I did.
Let me be the tie to tie to t you don't want any part of my family tree.
That's just you small. So if I had kids with a family member of yours, I'd have told kids what a dang treat.
Yeah. Then you'd have they'd be seriously depressed. They'd have all kinds of crazy issues that have a lot of body shame because that just comes with our culture. They'd have all this ingrained Catholic self hating stuff that actually is I think it takes generations, generations to get out. It's going to take generations to fix. You don't want to do that to your kids.
But I will raise my little O'Briens to love their bodies. They're never going to go to church because I don't go to church and then they'll be great.
It doesn't work that way. It's in our blood. That's the problem. There's bodies. So you can let's say in an alternate universe, I wasn't married and you and I and I know this is what the kids, you and I got it on, as the kids say today.
Yeah. And then there's a child. You could be the most progressive mom in the world, and you would be and you'd be fantastic. And you'd notice that your son is doesn't want to be naked in front of you and also doesn't want to start dating till he's in his mid thirties and you start dating until you're married.
You know, that's a joke.
But still, we're we're late bloomers. You know, we're not out there when we're 12, 13 and 14, you know, trying to get the that, you know, condom machine to work at the local gas station.
You know, that's not condom machine. You are old. I've never seen a condom machine.
Oh, yes. In my day they were condom machines. What would happen is your car would run low on petrol and you'd stop off at a gas station and a bunch of white guys in white uniforms would come out and scrub up your car and you'd go in and you'd say, now it's time to get a condom from the condom machine and get put in a nickel.
And then you'd say, oh, this is the wrong size. But that's not listen, we went we went down a dark alley there.
I told you I was born in 1926 and I've been around a long time, but I will tell you that. What goes back to the original point is that my body shame, like my wife is yet to see me naked, I'm constantly clothed.
Oh, come on, what's with this body? Shame, Koenen, you're tall, you have all of your teeth and you've got a lovely body.
Well, you haven't seen it. I mean I can imagine it like you can imagine anybody's body with like their clothes. You see them, you're like oh it probably looks like this. Yeah.
Now I'm at now add to that image you have bright. Coppery hair, OK? OK, and some freckles were freckles, shouldn't be wow, what little treats it's like the sun kissed you all over. You know what my mother told me?
My mother told me when I was a kid, I asked her, why do I have these freckles? And she said, that's where Angel's kiss to you.
That's what my mom told me. And then later I was looking at parts of my body where these freckles were.
And I was like, this is borderline abuse. I was abused by angels and shouldn't have been here.
What were they doing down there? They do this. Yeah.
So I'm suing some angels right now to do it. It's been tied up in the courts for years.
But I'm saying I don't I do think that the stuff that's that's ingrained, I do wish, honestly, that I had grown up because I know over the years I've talked to so many people and I remember talking to the supermodel Rebecca Romayne, and she was telling me that she grew up in a very hippy dippy household. And the parents, because I think maybe I forget we're there, but it's some Nordic country like the parents are from Sweden and Norway or someplace.
But she said the parents were would walk around in the house naked like everyone was naked around each other.
And then it was just very natural.
And I whatever that is, I come from the opposite of that. Oh, no nudity.
No one sees anybody naked. Everyone's fully clothed at all times. Sex is not. We don't we didn't discuss sex when I was growing up. We still don't discuss it. Yeah. And and when something sexy came on TV, it was like the sixth sense. Everyone could suddenly see their breath if we were all watching television. And this is back before you had a remote control that you had to actually go to the TV and turn it.
So if we were watching, I remember really clearly PBS was showing this special series called Caligula. And I think my my dad probably thought, well, this will be good, not Caligula. I'm sorry, I Claudius, this will be good for the kids. It's about ancient Rome. So we're all sitting around watching this PBS Public Broadcasting special, same channel that shows Sesame Street and guys are walking around in togas and suddenly they cut to a woman and she had her breasts out.
And because it was made in England and. Suddenly, all of us, the entire family is watching the TV, all of us could see our breath.
All of us could see our breath like like the temperature went down 100 degrees in the room, but no one could go to the TV and turn it off because that would be admitting when we were seeing. So everyone and no one can look away, because if you look away, that's acknowledging that their tits out. So all of us are frozen and we just waited for that scene to end. And then another scene started.
And then one by one, we all drifted to different corners of the house and hated ourselves.
Hated ourselves. All right. You just heard me.
Conan O'Brien being scandalized by the hilarious Nicole Byer. Nicole, if people want to hear the whole show, where should they go? Well, Conan, thank you for asking me. Guess what? You find the whole episode on the Why Won't You Take Me feed? And it's available wherever you get your forecasts and be sure to subscribe. And when you say podcast, you mean podcasts. Podcasts? Yes, I was just trying to be fancy. I just thought maybe you hiccup.
No, just trying to be a fancy lady.