Hi, my name is Kaylee Cuoco, and I feel suspicious about being Konan O'Brien's friend. Suspicious?

Mark. Well, I've been here before.

You asked me back a second time, so I'm thinking maybe the first time didn't go so well.

This is a sting operation.

This is what I'm wondering.

You have not paid your taxes in four years.

Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brandish Hey there.

Welcome to Konan O'Brien, Needs a friend. And what are you laughing about?

Often, when you come right in with a, Hey there, Sona and I just exchange a look. Is he going to make it through? How's this going to go?

It's 10 minutes at best. That makes me self-conscious. Well, that's even better. That's good. And then I can't roll through. Oh, no.

Now we won't look at each other.

Well, I might want to put up some curtain or something for the open, and then it slowly rises so that you can see each other once I've gotten through the open. But It is distracting. Okay, sorry. We need to run this like a professional organization. Okay, take it again.

We won't do anything.

No, I just want to tell you that, Hey there. Welcome to Konan. O'brien needs a I do need a friend. Always in need of a friend. You can't have too many friends. Actually, not true. You can have too many friends. Who? Don't you find that sometimes? You get to a certain stage of life and someone is interested maybe in being your friend and you think, I'm all set. It's true. I'm set until the grave.

Or unless someone dies. The older you get, the smaller your circle needs to be.

I have told people, I like you. You seem like a nice person. I would be your friend, but I need for one of my friends to die. That's what you told me. Yeah. No, but I didn't say you'd ever be a friend. No. I said that was the acquaintance list. You could be an acquaintance of mine if an acquaintance dies. But Sona, right? Do you agree with what I'm saying? You don't have room. You have twins, you have You have Tak, your husband, Tak, Taxesian. You don't have- That's his name.

Okay, yeah.

Well, whatever.

No, not whatever. That's just not his name. You can't just say whatever.

Do you know for years, I thought that was his name. I know.

I think there's people who probably think- Is it Tak, Taxesian?

Okay. I don't know. I'm I'm honestly asking you what his last name is.

You know what his last name is.

I don't know his last name. It's Broian.

What? God. Oh, man.

Okay, well, anyway- Let's go back to the friend thing. Okay, what I'm saying is you have a full plate. I have a lot of friends. You've got two children. You've got Tack, last name, whatever he wants to say it is. I know your friends, Piss, right? Yeah.

That's true. Christina, who I've called Piss, Veronica, Angie, Erica, Megan, Lindsay.

You have a lot of friends. Yeah. If another person came along at this point and said, Hey, I want to be your friend and have some time with you, would you tell them? I'm full up.

No. You know what? I actually made a friend recently, and we went to the Huntington Library together, and we had a really lovely day, and we had lunch, and it was really nice.

Is this an affair or a friend?

No, she's my friend. She's my friend now. We'll text everyone for a while.

But how did you meet?

She's Romanian. She's a comedian. Her name's Mary, and she's really funny. We just ran into each at a lot of different events, and she's cool.

I like her. Do your current friends resent at all that you've taken on a new friend? No.

Friends don't think like that. No, that's not how friends work.

They don't get mad that you have more friends.

What friends do you have? The people that really keep track of this stuff. Really keep track of- Those are friends. Well, that's all I have. I'm sorry. They don't want to share you? No, I don't. Well, you understand what I'm saying, don't you, Matt? That at a certain point, You're set. You've got your friends. In a sense, I do. Yeah, you've got your friends. No, I don't understand this at all.

I'm saying I'm open to more friends, but you got to be a banger. You know what I mean? You really got a real corker. You got to come in dancing.

You got to have real good Spiro Agnew memorabilia. Exactly. You have to have a loot that's in tune. You need to have your shit together. That's how I feel, which is you can come to me, you can ask me if you want to be my friend, but you got to bring something to the table. Because at this point, you know my friends, I've got a big posse. I've got a big... I roll deep with a lot of friends, three to four people.

Why are we doing this podcast? It's called Konan O'Brien Meets a Friend.

Yes, but I think what should be implied is, let's see if you make it.

What do you think the series finale of this podcast is? Is there a friend for you? Do you bring one of these people in and finally announce, I've had you in a number of times, You're the one. You're the friend.

Oh, so we should make it like the bachelor. Kind of. I should hand a rose when this thing finally comes to the end, which I hope isn't for a long, long time, months from now, I think I should hand a rose.

Or a plate of corn beef.

Are you going to have an overnight and then go to their hometown and meet their families and stuff, too?

I've never watched these shows. Is that what happens? That's what happens. When you say there's an overnight, do they have sex?

I mean, that's implied.

They have sex on television?

No, the cameras aren't on, but it's implied. There's rose petals on the bed, and then they start making out- Is that sexy to have rose petals on the bed?

I mean, I personally would not like it. It's supposed to be rose petals, right?

What do you put on it?

See, I got fucked up.

Like succulents, like cactus?

Yeah. For Liza once, I was trying to be romantic, and I went, and there was just a shrub. There was a shrub that I saw near the- Just like a ficus? It was like a ficus, and I just pulled it out. I remember when I pulled it out, and then my hands broke out in these big sores. But then I just threw it all over the bed, and she said, How is this sexy? I said, Come on. This is what people do. It's a fucking shrub.

What dirt do you have on this woman that you got her to marry?

I don't know. I definitely married up.

Did it have the roots and the dirt?

There was soil all over the bed. Oh, man. Come on. That's not sexy. And also a traffic sign that was nearby. It said Deer Crossing, and it was Rusty, and that came out, too. Oh, no. And then a deer died. So that was just up near the pillow. Then the deer didn't... No one was slowing down for the deer. The deer were like, This should be okay. There's a sign. Lump. Antler jelly all over the place. I love deer going, It should be fine. There's a sign. Then the other deer is like, Should we check that it's still there? The first deer is like, Who would move a deer crossing sign? There's only shrubbery here. There aren't roses. Here I go with no peripheral vision. Lump. Get your deer jelly, cattle jelly, nose jelly, hoof jelly. We've got it all.

Oh, man. Come on. Don't kill the deer. That's not sexy. Don't do the shrubs.

All right. Well, now you tell me. Now you tell me. This was after we had already had two children. Nonsense. Fortunately, my two kids had already come along when I tried the shrub. Hey, threw a shrub on the bed. Let's do it. Well, there's no transition here. There never is. My guest today, starred on the hit CBS series, The Big Bang Theory, and the max series, The Flight Attendant. Now, you can see her in the new Prime video movie, roleplay. Very excited to talk to her. I really love talking to this woman. She's lovely. Kaylee Cuoco, welcome. There was a little bit of, I guess, a kerfuffle when you pulled in.

No, let me just tell you what I had to deal with. I just told me if I can fire.

All I want to do is fire people.

I know. I want to watch you fire people. Last time I came, this was not here. You were at a different place.

This is our facility that we've had for about two years now. It's amazing. Yeah. You came, I think you were the first person that came during- The height of COVID. The height of COVID, you came in. In person. In person, coughing on everyone.

Well, I didn't think COVID was real. So I was like, Here I am. I came in, didn't care.

That was a different place because this place wasn't done yet. But this is my James Bond- It's beautiful. Evil lair.

No, it's definitely evil. Well, I drove in and they say, They're like, Drive in, and they were going to have a parking spot for you. Now, I drive a huge car, an obnoxious car. And so they go, Oh, you just pull your car right behind Konan's right there. That shiny blue, gorgeous Tesla. And it's like four inches to get by your car. And I was like, I can't hit Konan's car. I couldn't park there. I left the facility and I parked myself in a parking garage on Larchmont. If you're going to validate this for me, I'm going to owe a lot of money when I leave because of this bullshit parking situation.

I'm going to be honest with you. We're in a wonderful facility, beautiful facility, as you will attest, gorgeous. We do editing here for this TV show I'm doing for HBO Max, and we can do podcasts here. We make our own honey, and we make ale here. We run medieval fares out of this place.

There's a birthing center.

There's a birthing center. I wish I would have known that. I'm a doula. Well, I mean, I say I am. I don't really know what's going on. You'd be the worst doula. I'm the worst doula. I'm like, What's happening? This is disgusting.

Vomiting everywhere.

Who said there'd be fluids?

He doesn't want to look at the vagina.

Oh, no. Don't even talk about When's the stork coming? Now, I was told there was a stork.

You'd be the best doula. We'd be laughing so hard.

But no, we have this great facility, and you can chime in because Adam Sacks is here, and he's one of the fellow masterminds of this whole thing. But there's not a lot of parking. No. There really isn't. I mean, sometimes there's no parking for me, and you'd think I would have parking. What's going on? Now, you have a nice comfortable space, don't you? I get here first. You get here first.

That's what's an incentive to get here really early so that I get a spot.

If you're a guest, get here early, too. Andy Rector's here, he's got a spot. I pulled in. First of all, I was hoping that you would hit me because- Because that would be great. You've got that big bang money. I mean, you're a big success. I would quickly run out and pretend that I was in the car. Oh, yes.

I'd be like, My neck, my neck, quo-go. Quo-go. See, I knew that. That's why I parked in a parking structure on Larchmont.

You say you drive a big car. Is it like two Hummers strapped together side by side?

I actually drive an 18-wheeler. Nice.

Very nice. I like it.

I got my license for that recently, and I enjoy driving it around town. People love it. No, but I really didn't want to hit your car.

It's fine. What's done is done. I'm not into my possessions. I'm not a very materialistic person, said the guy with the blue Tesla.

It's very shiny and very clean. It looked like it was like lights were streaming down. It was like, Oh. We have it lit. You have it lit? Yeah.

We have it lit from all different angles. There's better lighting on my car in the non-parking space that I don't have than there is in this studio right now.

I could not wait to come back today because I remember last time I was here, I think I spent two straight hours laughing. I don't even think I talked.

You just made me laugh. You were on something. It was COVID. I wasn't even there. I remember I got there a little late and they said, Kaylee's been here for an hour and she's in the studio alone laughing. She's just laughing. So it wasn't me. Yeah, that's true. So much has happened in your life. You have a 10-month-old today child. Today.

Today. I had a baby 10 months ago.

How's everything going?

Oh, my God. Sona, how old are yours? They're two and a half. Oh, my God. You had two at the same time? I did. Why How did you do that?

I honestly, I don't know. It's crazy. It is really crazy. It's a lot.

How are you? How are you? And you look so rested.

Oh, do I? Yes. I think it's just a lot of makeup because I'm not rested. You look amazing. Matt's got a two and a half year old, too. Oh, yeah, you have a baby, too.

Two in three months.

We're just talking about not getting any sleep. She's in the Navy now.

She's actually a seal, a Navy seal. She's badass.

That's amazing.

She is badass. No, I'm thinking of just... I'm thinking of because my kids are- How many months are your kids? My daughter's 51. My son is 49. 700 months old. Yeah, exactly. Everybody still did months. Months is so stupid, by the way. Congratulations. You're I'm 15 months old. I even hate hearing myself say 10 months.

It really annoys me.

Before one, it makes sense.

You don't have a choice. It's a lot. It's like almost one. The month's conversation.

This is the thing is I'm pulled back into it all because I remember viscerally what it was like when our children were 10 months old. Then it's funny, it starts to drift away and go away. I think this is very sexist, but if you're the guy, I start to forget. I'll say to my wife, Isn't it funny? She was like, I don't forget any of it. What do you mean you forget? Of course, you forget. You ran off and did a talk show every day, asshole. She hasn't seen you since. Yeah, exactly. I'd say, Oh, I had a a rough time today. George Clooney. Exactly. He kept talking about a prank, and I couldn't get him to come to the point. Then I had this veal that wasn't quite to my liking at a restaurant. Then made my way home after a few Cosmos. How's the baby? Do you even know its name? Not really. But anyway, so it's yes, she does not forget. No, we don't forget. You will not forget any of it.

You know what I hate, though, and you can tell me if you hate this, too. What I hate is how everyone now is like, Hey, mama, what is that? I'm just like, I had a call on the way here, and she was like, How's mom life? I'm like, This was the same 10 and a half months ago. It's the same. I get this visceral, angry reaction Hey, mama, you're looking so good. I'm like, Well, what did I look like before?

Who's I'm saying this to you? Everybody. You're at a 7Eleven just trying to get some slim jims. And you're like, Hey, Mom.

If they know you have a baby and all of a sudden you're mama and you look good. But it's a difference than just looking normal good.

Yeah, they expect you to look haggers.

Wow, you're alive and walking. You're living today?

You're out in the world? No one can believe it. And I'm like, what are you doing? Your eyes are still in your side.

It's just ridiculous. I had to tell on this last job that I did, because they were all calling me Mama, I actually had to tell my assistant to tell everyone. I'm not easy. I'm whatever. I'm good. But everyone was calling me Mama so often, and I was really hiding, and I was like, I'm not going to let them call you that. Don't get mad. Sure. I started to really resent everybody. I had my assistant call a meeting and tell everyone to stop calling me Mama, and they did.

Yeah, Of course they did. Yeah, that's quoco law. Can you imagine?

I couldn't take it anymore.

I think that's fine.

Yes, I do, too. I swear this is a true story. I said, I can't.

What about this? This is something I'm curious about. When you were pregnant, Did you ever have men put their hand on your belly without your permission? Because I saw that happen once or twice. It's weird, right? It was me the one that was doing it. I was on the subway. I didn't think they'd catch me. No, No, I saw... One or two times I saw someone reach over and put their hand on my wife's belly. It was weird. But it was people we knew them, but I always thought like, wow, that is a move. I would never... I know. I am so phobic about the touching.

Yeah, I just do that to non-pregnant women.

Someday there'll be a baby in here. What an awful move.

That's weird.

Let me feel where the baby will one day be.

It's That is so gross.

That is the creepiest. Now I keep thinking about that and wondering why I didn't think of it.

Yeah, I know.

Hey there. Let's just feel where that someday a baby might live in this apartment.

I'm throwing up. Oh, my God. Don't rub it.

What? It's the rubbing it, too. That makes it worse.

I know.

Future nursery. Come on. I wish you could see everyone's hands the way they're moving right now.

Well, anyway, it's like we had done it before. No, I know. I just didn't think of That's the worst.

I was never there. I wasn't that way either, even with other pregnant friends. I'm not a stomach toucher. I'm not a. I would literally walk around, forgetting I was pregnant. I just wasn't that pregnant girl. I wasn't like, I just wanted it to be done. This comes to mind because of the movie you just did, which I watched and I really loved.

Oh, thank you. Where your role play, where you're doing all these amazing, badass stunts, basically playing a mom who's also an assassin. It's really physical, and you're really good at it. Thank you. I'm like, this is major, some Keanu Reeves moves in here. I was thinking, what was the timeline?

Was this after you had- I landed in Germany. I shot it in Germany. It landed in Germany, and then we found it a week later. I was pregnant. I went in for my first day of stunt training. I was pregnant. That's insane. I know. I was pregnant that whole time. It was wild. Also, we shot in Berlin in the summer. It was like a thousand degrees, and all I wanted was taco Bell, and they don't have taco Bell in all of Germany. I looked, I searched. It's all I wanted. But also, I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant. All they kept thinking was this roll, it keeps asking for taco Bell. It won't let us call her Mama. Very sweating. It won't let us call her Mama. And her stunt double seems to be interfering with a lot. Keeps saying like, I'll do that, I'll do that, because I told her. You told your stunt double? Okay, that's good. Told my stunt double.

I was doing a lot of shit. I watched Libby, and you were doing a lot. Yeah, I did a lot of it. And there's no way that's like, No, they did not CGI your head onto that person's body. No. You're doing a lot of these stunts. I did. And you're pregnant while you're doing it, obviously early on. But still, that's got to be in your head a little bit or no.

It wasn't the physicality. I was sick the whole time. So I was just so... I wanted to die the entire time. I just was sick. I was just nauseous. So the physical stuff, I actually felt better because I was moving around. But when I would just have to sit there and say dialog, I just was seeing white. But yeah, it was a wild experience. I wouldn't recommend it.

When I- I was like, Oops. But what if your baby now just has that... Because she was in utero, what if now she can- She's in stunt classes now.

She's doing sword fighting. I mean, I told you she's 10 months today. Yeah, that's the time. Yeah, this is the time to get her going in that. So sword fighting and all those sorts of things.

That's funny that you wanted a taco Bell. My wife was a vegetarian when I met her. And so then we get married. She finds out she's pregnant. Okay, everything's moving along fine. We go out to this place in New York, I order a burger because I'm Irish Catholic, and for me, that's a well-rounded healthy meal. Absolutely. And so I get my burger and she gets her salad, and I'll never forget, Liza said, Can I just have one bite of your burger? She had never been interested at all in any of the giant Flintstone steaks I was eating or anything. She said, Can I just have one bite of your burger? I went, Okay. I held it over the table, and she took a bite and then didn't let go.

Oh, my God.

Then I ate your hand. Then I swear to God, her jaw detached like a snake. She pushed it and by fist into her mouth and inhaled it. And bye-bye, no more vegetarian. Because it was no longer her in charge, it was our daughter inside saying, It's burger time, and pulling a lever. Yes.

How does she still eat meat? Yes. It's so crazy. I also was a vegetarian. I hadn't eaten meat in probably seven or eight years. My fiancé, my partner's big meat eater, too, and this exact story happened to us. You ordered steak, and I was like, I want that. It was the same thing. I said, I have to have that. He's like, You have it. I ate the whole steak, and I now only eat steak. Week.

Your cholesterol is 7,000.

I'm actually dying. But yeah, this is my last- You've had six heart attacks since you came in here. I have. No, but it's crazy. Now I eat meat, which is nuts, and I didn't for years. But it was the second that I got pregnant.

Yeah. It's funny because at the time, I asked my dad, who's a doctor, and I said to him, Isn't that something? And he went, The passenger is now in charge.

That's so crazy.

Oh my God. Yeah. He had this little smile like, Oh, yes, the passenger. I'm like, What are you suddenly talking in this weird code? You've been to medical school. You can say that child in utero wants protein. No, the passenger has taken control of the vessel. What? It's funny. I think I have almost like the grandpa syndrome because I'm so hungry for videos of children. I'm constantly pestering. I pester Sona all the time, and she'll send me some that are really funny of her kids, basically with hammers smashing their house. Just going crazy. The funniest thing is Sona's shooting it and laughing. She's always like, Uh-oh. Going to smash that, huh? Going to smash that thing that great grandpa left for us in his will? There it goes.

You're just laughing. It's really funny.

I beg her for these things, and then I'm like, more, more, more. I know. And suddenly I'm realizing that, oh, I'm just in that phase where I can't... I love it.

That kid thing is so fun. I'm sure you guys... We'll have her all day, and then I'm like, Oh, finally. We put her to bed. I'm like, Oh. Then I'm sitting there watching videos that I took of her all day, I'm like, what are you What are you doing?

Go live, lady. I do that about my shows from the late '90s. You do?

I tied that up for you.

No, I watched them and then I'm like, Oh, my God, look at him. Oh, look at him. He's still in his 40s.

Look how he eats with his hands.

Yeah, look at him. You can tell he's shitting himself. Then I send them to people. You got to check This is me with Christine Baransky. Check it out. 2002. Wait, why am I looking at this? Oh my God. Aren't I adorable? No. Oh my God. You seem weird.

My face hurts.

But I would... You can't take... That's the only thing I tell parents is you cannot take enough video. You just have to have cameras rolling all the time because it doesn't... Constantly. It doesn't... Yeah.

Just constant funny stuff. It's ridiculous. She's going pointing right now going, Uh-oh, everything's Uh-oh. But it's so funny. I want to send videos to everyone. I'm like, Why? No one's going to think this is cute but me. Because I remember when my friends would send me, I'm like, Oh, great. She's saying, Uh-oh. Now I'm like, Look, our child saying, Uh-oh. It's like everything's so exciting.

Just means your baby is neurotic. Yeah.

Uh-oh.

Later at 45. Uh-oh.

Well, she would be if she got swords coming out her face in her classes. Oh, my God.

Yes. She is totally immersed.

Doing stunt work.

Now, what's your feeling going to be down the road? Because it's so interesting. It's like you got started so young doing what you're doing, and then you think about your daughter coming to you and saying, I want to do that, and your attitude might be very different. Like, Listen, I survived that, but I don't want that for you.

I had such a good experience growing up as an actor. I had the best parents. Tom and I were actors. I'm like, She's probably going to be something like that, or maybe the dream. She's very She loves to show off and be on the video, loves to stare at herself. She's our child, for sure. Loves watching her own videos, loves to catch herself in the mirror and keeps looking. We're like, Yes, we know. We got it. She's very entertained with the things that she does. But I think she probably will do something like that. But my experience was so great.

You had a good experience.

I really did. I started so young. If she wants to- What was your first gig, your first paying gig?

How old are you?

Oh, my gosh. I did so many Barbie commercials when I was… I was the first Barbie girl. Really? Yes. I was probably between five and seven, and I did 10 Barbie commercials. I was talking about this the other day. I think we were talking about it on Kimmel because they wanted to see some of them, and I couldn't even feel like they don't even exist anymore. They're that long ago. But those were my first couple of things. Then the first, I did a TV mini-series where I played... Felicity Huffman played my mom, Donald Sutherland played my grandpa, and Tim Matheson played my dad, and I was five. The weird part is I remember every moment of it. I remember my mom taking me there. I remember my little schooling I had to do. I remember going to set. I remember sitting on Felicity's lap, doing the scene, being told what to say, and had The best. I mean, it was just I loved every second of it. My experience was very good, but my parents were amazing, and they did it right. I did a bunch of other things. I wasn't just acting. I think we talked about this last time.

I wasn't just acting. I was like, Okay, now you have your tennis lesson. Now you're going to go to camp. Now you're going to do this. There was never like, I didn't get a job. It wasn't like that for me. It wasn't that effective for me.

It's so good. I mean, it's fascinating. Like the times I've spoken to Ron Howard, and he had such success throughout his whole childhood, but clearly, his parents were on the ball. Same with Shirley Temple. There's people whose parents are all over. Then, of course, there are parents that unknowingly, but they're not well. They're not well people. We've talked to some... I mean, we were talking to Natasha Lyon about it, and she was saying... It's funny. She wasn't blaming her parents. She was saying they did the best they could, but they weren't well. She got a tough deal. You just think about all these people whose parents are living through their kids, their own disappointments.

Yeah, that's really tough. I just did not have that experience. I was very, very lucky. If that's what Matilda wants to do, I can't really tell her not to because I loved my experience so much. I can't be like, Don't do that. Don't do that.

Because I loved it. Eventually, they have to find their own way. As long as you control their finance. Wait, what? Yeah. Isn't that the whole point?

Control their finances?

It sounded very aggressive. It did.

It sounded devious, actually. It did.

I probably shouldn't have stroke my nonexistent goatee when I said it.

There's literally a dollar sign above your head right now. What's going on?

You can see those? Yes, the ones above your car when I drove in. I must control their finances. We were chatting about you. I remember last time you came and you brought us these mugs. What I didn't realize at the time is mugs is like a fixation of yours. You love mugs.

I did bring you guys mugs. You brought us them.

They arrived after. Oh, you got them?

I never knew if they went into the abyss of mail. No, no, no.

The mugs are beautiful.

That means we never thanked you. I'm sorry. So thank you. Sorry.

Well, the mugs did say drop dead on them. It was That's the weird thing. They were beautiful mugs, and it's so beautiful. I still have mine. Mine said never again. Yours said never again. Mine said drop dead. And yours said never have children. Oh, my God. That's right.

Which was- You all got the wrong ones.

Yeah. I was supposed to never have children.

Yours was no children. Yours was drop dead. That makes sense.

Doesn't this make sense? You love mugs, but you need them to have a very hostile message on it.

Yes, because it makes you happy and then immediately steals your joy.

It was sweet because You are among, I think Randall Park was the only other person to bring something. He brought whiskey.

We're not putting it out there that people need to bring something.

Yes, we are.

But these were wonderful little equestrian mugs with chocolates in them, and it was so kind. We still drink out of that mug to this day.

How do we? Oh, my gosh. I'm so happy to know that they made it here.

My mug was sent to the Conor O'Brien Museum in Orlando, Florida. What else do they have there? It's your mug. Jesus, there's not much. No, it's not a lot. It's a pillow that Al Roker leaned against. Oh, okay. 1994. Some of my original pomade. Oh, wow. It's not a well-visited museum. Not a lot. Not a lot of people go there. No. But also they do a free lube job there. We get a lot of people. You mean a car?

Is that oil change?

For cars. Oh, but also lubricating people that want sex. Wait, what did you mean?

I thought you were talking about an oil change. But you meant... Okay, because you said lube job. No, I meant both.

They're lubricating genitalia.

Well, they do both. At your museum? Yeah, a Mazda Meada can come in. Well, it's just a thing to try and get people to visit the museum.

It's in someone's basement.

We say it's a museum. Look, it's really more of a trap than a museum. But anyway, that's not important. It's Orlando. Check it out. Oh my God.

You're like the Buffalo Bill. Honestly, it's Florida. It doesn't surprise me at all.

The people in Florida know and they're like, whatever. It's fine. That makes sense. They're like, We got so much shit to deal with. Run your little fake museum trap. You're a loop job. You're a loop job museum.

They don't care over there.

We got real problems here.

They don't care over there. Oh, man. I'm so glad you loved your mugs. I love coffee mugs. That's my love language.

You know, what's interesting whenever I'm anywhere, that's my big weakness is if I look in some of these travel shows that I've done over the years, I always want to find, is there a mug here? When I was on the DMZ, the line between North Korea and South Korea, I was like, Do you have any mugs? I mean, I'm just always looking for- With a line down the middle of it? It's half north and half south. They have a gift shop. To access the DMZ, you have to drive, and either side of the road is mined. It's filled with landmines. It's one of the craziest experiences I've ever had. You drive along, and I went there with Steven Young, and we got there, and there is a room that's half in South Korea, half in North Korea. Oh, my gosh. We shot a little bit there where he did the weather from the window that looks out on South Korea, and I did the one that looks at on North Korea. But then there's a gift shop, and you've never seen a gift shop like the one they have there. All kinds of stuff. My main obsession was I've got to get a coffee mug.

That's what I do. I get the coffee mugs from wherever we go. I also make a ton. I put pictures on them and give them as gifts. I'm obsessed with that. Hotels and stuff makes me crazy because the mugs are always small, cappuccino mugs. Exactly.

That's a good mug. This is a mug. I love this mug. I don't know. Someone gave me this mug. I wish I could remember, or maybe I found it. I can't remember. But anyway, this is the correct size.

He's holding a well-sized mug in his hand. Yes.

I have large hands. I'm a large man, and I need a big mug, and this is the right size. I know what you mean. Those little- What is that?

A shot of coffee? I have to travel with my mugs, and I travel with my coffee makers. That's crazy. Well, I brought it here.

If you have a choice between bringing your daughter or your special mugs, you leave your daughter at a hotel.

A thousand %. I need my mugs because I need my coffee to deal with her.

Are these ceramic mugs? Would these break or are they travel mugs?

I pack them very nicely, or I'll make sure I have one when I arrive. I'm a diva, you guys, when I travel.

Yeah, you can't call you Mama. Hey, Mama. Don't you dare. Where's your mug, Mama?

Don't you dare. Will you send someone out for some taco Bell really quick?

I know. I have this whole façade of being really easy, breezy, but Not at all.

Do you still have the craving for the taco Bell?

I love taco Bell.

When Sona was working full-time as my assistant, I remember how often we'd be driving around and we would pass a sign for taco, we'd pass a taco Bell, and you would always say the same You'd be like, I could murder me some taco Bell right now. Then you would go through the whole menu. But I love it. It was very aggressive. I could go in there and massacre some taco Bell.

I love taco Bell, too. I do, too.

We're not getting paid right now by taco Bell.

You don't tip-chill around taco Bell. You do. You devour it. You do murder it. That's what it's there for. Because it's going to murder you later. Exactly.

I had an incision made in my body that can be opened where you can just push the taco. The doctor said, 50 You got 50 chance you die from this operation. But it's worth it. Then the doctor said, Is this so you can shove taco Bell directly in here? I said, Yes. He said, We've done many of these. I put it in with the wrapping.

It doesn't matter. Wow, with the wrapping? Yeah. You're savvy.

I am savage.

You are. You're living on the edge. The wrapping. The wrapping.

Why don't you just wrap it? This is my taco Bell port.

You might want to get an MRI or get it checked out.

Those things are expensive. I don't know. I've been in a lot of pain, but I'm not going to... Kaylee, I have a question. Did you do a lot of improv when you were studying acting or preparing, or did you just... Is this just you?

Never.

You're one of the best yes-anders. You are just... That's sweet. No, but you really are. You're very fun. I always thought, Oh, Kaylee must have started out doing improv. That is so nice. Like so many people I talk to.

That is so nice. No, I'm not a... I'm not a comedian. I'm not a comedian. I didn't take that path. I never did I took one acting class when I was 10 years old. Did I already tell this story? I feel like I probably did. I don't think so.

I don't think so. You know what? I've told so many stories so many times over about my career in porno. I'll tell this one again. Everyone knows the story.

We do. We know that story very well. No, I took one acting class when I was 10 years old, and it was a bunch of kids my age. I had to do a scene, and the acting teacher said to me in front of all my peers, You will not make it. She said, You act. You are a pots and pans actor, is what we call someone like you. I was 10. What she meant by that was I was messy, not sophisticated. That was what she said to me. I went home and I bald my eyes out. I could cry now. It's really PTSD. My mom, I said, I'm not going back to that class. She goes, Yeah, you're going to finish the class. I was like, Please don't make me go back. I don't want to go back. She thinks I'm so bad. I suck. My mom made me go back. I ended up finishing the class. It was a few months, whatever I had to do. I never took another class again. But that woman, yeah, literally said that to me. From that point on, I've never forgotten that because I actually do think I am that actor in a way.

But in a way, I think that was a good thing. But she was not thinking that was a good thing.

We had a couple of people, like Harrison Ford has come on here, and had a similar experience with Jerry Takowski. Jerry Takowski. Then who else came? Do you want to name this?

Tracey Ellis Ross.

Tracey Ellis Ross.

Lindsay Porter. Wow.

How do you remember I just do.

It's funny. We talk about these things because I always... A secret mission of mine in this podcast, mostly it's just to have fun. But if I had a theme that I like to pursue, it's a little inspirational for people listening, which is It's good for people to hear from you that you were told no. We've had so many people come in here who've had these incredible careers, and they share these stories. I think that's good for people to know that. It's good for people also to know that some of that insecurity and some of that doesn't go away later on. Just because you've had a lot of success, it's still there.

That actually drives me now because I laugh. I'm like, I am like that. I have created my own way, and that's completely fine. But I definitely was told that I was terrible a long, long time ago and that I would never make it, and that I wasn't sophisticated enough to- Then it's interesting because you have this crazy success with Big Bang Theory And I've heard you say that when that was over, you thought, Well, I guess that's it.

People will see me on the street for the rest of my life and say, oh, hi, Penny. How are you doing? And your career since then has been you shapeshifting in all these cool ways. Yeah. Whether it's the flight attendant or in role play, you do these things where you get to do light comedy, but also you get to be very serious or wounded or you're put through the Ringer, and you do that beautifully. Now I feel like you've carved out this space where no one could say- Thank you. That's okay. We'll let you know, miss Sitcom, when we need you. That's so sweet.

But you know what I mean? Thank you. I mean, I laugh. If I was known as Penny for the rest of my life, I'm more than fine with that. It was one of the best experiences. It got me to where I am literally right now. It was amazing. I learned so much on that show and had a blast. I thought that, too. I'm like, Well, maybe I'll do sitcoms forever and By the way, I love doing sitcoms. I love the schedule. I love an audience. I had nothing against it. Then when I found Flight Attendant, I'm like, Oh, maybe I could do this. I don't know if they're going to believe I can do it, but I think I can do it. Then created I wanted to do that drama, but also bring in... I always have to add a little bit of comedy in there. We turned it into that and formed our own little tone, and that's what I've run with. Yeah.

I was saying the same thing watching the that you just did, where I thought, there are really fun, funny moments, but then there are also moments where I don't know, is someone getting killed right now? I love that that's the era that I think a whole generation has come up with, which is we don't... There's so many amazing shows like Breaking Bad that could be hilariously funny and comical. Brian Cranston in his tidy whited, yelling while his meth lab blows up. So many great comedy moments. Then some of the deepest pathos that I've seen, that's everywhere now. I know.

It's so crazy. I can't believe how long I've been doing this. I mean, truly, I can't believe it.

You're 77 years old.

I'm 77. I'm 3,000 months old.

I want to thank you for your service in the Korean War.

I'm 3,000 months old.

I think you were there. I've done a long- You were at the DMZ long before they had a gift shop. God bless you for it.

I have been around. I have been around.

The work you did to get Dwight Eisenhower elected puts you in rare company.

Yes, really rare company. No, it's like, God, I've been doing this so long at this point now. I just want to work with people. I love to work with. I want to have fun. I want to do jobs that are fun. I mean, dude, when I heard I got to come back on- Did you just call me dude? Yeah. Okay, that's it. Listen, I'm 3,000 months old, okay? I'm trying to get back with the young kids. We speak in I was about to give you a compliment. You're getting a note. I might fire this.

For you to hand me this note.

What was I supposed to do? I don't know. How am I supposed to... He looked at me then like, give me that note.

Oh, my God. I'm so embarrassed right now.

I just got this note from Adam Sacks. You're not coming across as very masculine. Why did you just notice that now? I did ask him to tell me, please, I want to look super masculine all the time.

How is that not a note every show that we Every single recording, I would give you that. That's fine. Okay, I'm sorry. You're like a total dude.

It wouldn't be great if I got notes constantly throughout?

Yes, just constantly sliding across the table. What I just witnessed was a Pauline.

I know. No, I like it.

I love getting past- I was in the middle of giving you a compliment. You were a compliment. You know what? You guys are talking over here.

Can I say something? Adam and Matt, they root against me. Yeah, I know. Which I think... They saw me getting this compliment. I can't really compliment. Then they throw that over there. Then let's tell him he could butch it up a bit. We're talking a lot about...

I was going to write, She's lying.

This is the funniest part of the interview. Oh, my God. I do want to bring something up, which is I am a dog lover.

You are a dog lover.

And a cat tolerator. We have two cats, but the cats, and I do love I grew up with a little cat. When I was a kid, I asked my parents, Could I have a cat? They let me have a cat, even though we were six kids and it was madness in the house. My parents were nice enough to drive me to the animal shelter, and I got a little white cat that I named Pabbles. Obviously. And was ridiculed for years. But that was my cat, big part of my life. Now we have two cats that live with us, and they just don't like me. No, I know.

It's so frustrating.

They are so affectionate with my wife. They're crawling all over her and looking at me. Every now and then, even though it's hard because they just have pause, they'll give me the finger. Yeah. The cats know. They know. They know cats know. Yeah. Screw you. But we also have... We have had a succession of dogs. I love dogs. What do you have now? We have a Golden, and his name is Loki. Our kids named him when he was a puppy because he was mischivist. They said, Oh, that's the Norse God. Oh, my gosh. He's I've lived up to his name, but he is pretty much all we talk about in the house. I have two kids who are fascinating multidimensional people, but I come home and I'm like, What did Loki do today? It's all we talk about. I know. I know this is a big part of your life.

Huge. First of all, I would love to send you. I just came out with a pet line, so I want to send you all of our products.

What's the pet line?

It is all eco friendly dog products. We're doing shampoos, we're doing snacks that's coming out soon. We're doing wipes for the paws. We're doing teeth cleaning, a bunch of different things.

Because the food makes a big difference. I know. That's another thing, too, is I grew up a long time ago, and no one thought about this. It was just, here's the dog dog chow. I know. You just put things in their bowl, and then you realize- It's terrible. How much of a difference it makes.

I know. It really does. No, I'm excited about it. I mean, obviously, anyone that knows me, I'm a huge animal lover. We have five dogs right now. You have five? Yes, that's all we talk about. We talk about our dogs more than we talk about our kid. She's like mogli. She literally thinks she's... I'm not joking. What's weird is she doesn't notice when they crawl on her. I almost think she is sociopathic. She's like one of them. She never notices them because they've always just been there. She just sits there and they sit with her and there's no difference. It's like she's a baby wolf.

But I think that could be really good. She'll probably never stand.

By the way, refuses.

She'll run through the woods on all fours.

When did your... Now we're jumping all over the place. That's okay. But my child will not stand or crawl or do anything that requires any effort whatsoever. But if she's in her walker, she's like a Ferrari around the house, but doesn't want to do any effort other than that. Won't stand, won't do anything. Should I be concerned?

I'm jealous because ours was early to the point of she was like a Roomba that just had to get out of the house and create havoc.

Oh, my God. How many months when she was crawling? One.

She just felt early. What? No, I'm kidding.

She crawled out. She did. She crawled out of your wife. She crawled out. She walked out standing out of your wife, chipped a cap, and said, top of the morning to you all.

She's been early with everything, but in a like... She's just too clever.

She's too clever. I would say, don't worry. I mean, you take however you want. I was very late to stand. I was very late to stand and talk. Be worried. How late. Very late.

How late.

1992. Oh, no. Yeah. I remember. Is it when you were to stand? Yeah. How many months for you? I remember it was towards the end of Cheers. I was 9,600 months. No, I was in my 30s and I stood and said, Now, that's a sitcom.

You walked out on the late night show in a walker.

One of the baby walkers.

It was all baby walkers. Yeah, one of those little things that you're suspended. And a Bounty babe. But it's good because I had a Zweiback's cookies and orange juice on the little trays around me on the circuit. I was like, Welcome to the show, everybody. I'm taking over for Letterman. Hey, look, a cookie. Chomp, chomp.

Wow. Well, I won't be worried then. No, don't worry about it.

He's got plenty of time. There are those stories about Einstein, all the great people, including myself.

I didn't walk till they were 19.

I'm Einstein.

People do compare you to Einstein. I get that a lot. I've heard that a lot.

Well, just about aging poorly. Nothing about intellect. Aging poorly, and I own some land in Princeton, New Jersey. That's about it.

Oh, my God. You guys are ruining my Botox again. It's like last time. I should have gone tomorrow No, not yesterday. I knew it and I was like- I hear all this cracking.

It sounds like tectonic plates are cracking. I'm going to start getting shit done. I got to get some shit done. This eye vein under my eye has to go. No. It's got to go.

I love you just the way you are.

I was looking at- That's not what the note you just passed.

It says aging badly. On that note, he's about to pass me.

I'm going to say something different to make myself look good, but read this note.

Oh, my God. Tell me the name of your line because I want to get the word out. O'norman. O'norman. O'norman. Yes, I know this because that's named after your late dog.

Yes. My beloved dog, Norman, died a few years ago, but I had him for 14 years, and I named my production company after him, too. It's Yes, Norman Productions, and then O'Norman is the pet line. I know. It's in his name. We love our dogs.

Well, a friend of mine, I have a really good friend, Charlotte Bain, and she's very knowledgeable about dogs, and she was talking to me about O'Norman a while ago. Really? Yeah. She has a website called The Baroo that is all things dogs. But every day she's at our house talking to us because she helps us take care of... We had two, one of them passed, but I think we're getting another dog, too. You have to. I just have to. I love just... I think it's because I grew up as one of six kids, and my grandmother lived with us, and there were animals around. There was just chaos, and my family unit is much smaller. There's four of us, one's away at college. I just want more. I love it when the dog's running through the room, a cat's jumping on the chandelier, my wife's swinging a broom at me. I don't know why she's holding a broom. I've never seen her use a broom.

Do you guys have a broom?

You've never seen it. No, we bought a broom just so she could swing it at me. She could swing it at you.

No, it's so true, though. We had two friends over the other night, and we have five dogs, obviously, and a baby, and they were laughing. They're like, This is the best place ever. You sit down, there's a dog on you or a baby, or one's running. I mean, it's total insanity. But you get to have something in your arms when you're at our house. Our house is absolutely crazy. But it would be weird if it wasn't. That's how I grew up, too, and so did Tom.

Yeah, I think I'm uncomfortable when things are too quiet and too sane. My wife grew up very differently, and so she's always quietly in the corner making herself... I mean, I grew up around people that were just constantly eating giant pork chops and throwing the bones at each other. I've told this story too many times. My mother once tried to get us all to quiet down by tossing a potato through the center of the kitchen. Oh, my God. That's the best. It went through the window and the neighbors just heard yelling, and then a potato came out the window. That's the metaphor there. I know. It's so crazy. My mother, of course, a very accomplished woman who very much wanted us to behave like we are a lace curtain Irish, we are high class Irish, and not going to crash. There goes the potato. The potato goes out the window. That's the potato. But then now I'm living with this person who's always in the corner. She's very beautiful and she's always pouring herself. She's making herself a little broth. She's boiled some hot water and she's pouring it over some basil leaves because she read somewhere that that can be good for the skin of a knuckle.

And she's... Of a knuckle? I'm like, Whatever. I don't know. I read somewhere, so this warming, and I'm like, I just want to drink some mead and chew on a ham and then jump through a window and whatever. You know what I mean?

Yeah, I definitely know what I mean. You've seen me. I'm a big monster. I've seen you when You're unhinged. You usually have good self control, but sometimes when you're like, I'm just going to eat whatever, it's insane.

I'm one of those people who... Someone recently told me, I was talking to some doctor and he said, Oh, yes, I know what you are. You're all or nothing. And that is what I am. I'm all or nothing. I feel that. If you told me tomorrow, there's something I have to do in three months, and so I can't eat for three months, and I have to work out all the time to do this, but it's important that you do it for this reason, I could do that. But the minute it was done, I have to then go equally hard the other way. To an insane degree. You've seen me truly lose my mind. Put one pizza in between two other pizzas and eat all three pizzas like that's a sandwich.

The pizza sandwich. Yeah, you love That's good.

That's good. It's very healthy for you, too, apparently.

It is healthy. I totally understand the all or nothing. I'm the same way. Black or white. I mean, literally working on this in therapy, trying to find the gray in life, which I never have been able to do.

You and I are similar in that we both really like to work. You love to work. I do. I really do love to work. But now you're probably finding... When you dip your toe in that other pond of... Especially having a child.

No, I still want to go to work. Ready to to work right now. Ready to head to set right this second. Anyone wants to hire me right now, just head on over. I don't need to go back home.

I'm just writing us down, no maternal feelings. Is there a way you can add- Don't call me Baba. Eduardo, can you add maternal feelings? Yeah, all today we've heard is, I just want to work. If one person refers me being a mother, they're dead. You're right.

This has been very eye-opening even for me.

You need a lot of help.

I know. I'm concerned.

Then you said, My daughter just hangs out with the dogs, and they're all the same. I don't know which is the dog and which is the daughter. Okay. You're a sick I'm a dangerously sick person.

I am. I have learned a lot about myself today.

Well, if we've accomplished nothing else, I think we just saved a child from a monster. Child Services is waiting for you.

I know.

They really are.

They should be out there waiting for you as you come out. Cps waiting for me. Yeah. Well, they won't see my car because I parked in the lot. That's why.

They're away. Guess what? I bet you- Miles away. I bet you that's why you hid your car. You thought this might be a sting operation. This is following me. Kaylee, just park right here. It's fine. Konan's not leaving. He works here. No, I should probably park it underneath those bushes over there.

And then cover it with a bunch of twigs.

Why'd you cover it with twigs, Kaylee?

I'll be laying low for a while. You guys won't hear from me for a little while. I'm going to lay low.

Well, you are the dictionary definition of a delight. You really are.

Can I give you the compliment I was going to give you before I was rudely interrupted by everyone? We are out of time.

Okay, go ahead.

I'm getting a note now. No. Come and take a shower.

No, I was going to say, when you guys asked me to come back, I was so touched, so honored to be a second-time arrival, and I couldn't wait because you You, from one of the first talk shows I ever did, you were so... Look, it's scary to do that thing when you're new. You were so amazing. You made me laugh so hard. I told someone after someone on my team, I said, he's one of those that saves you. I'm like, he's a saver. If you start to, maybe you're missing, you dive in and no one ever knows, and you save the day, and you say something funny, or you do something that no one realizes there was a lag. That is such a nice thing. Coming is like a part. I couldn't wait.

Well, that's very sweet of you to say. I couldn't wait. But you know what? No one needs less saving. Well, I'll tell you that right now. Thank you. There are people in my life who've needed saving, and I do like to help people who need help in that moment. But good God, you do not need any help.

You're very sweet. This is such a fun room. Also, my fiance sent a video to you and he wants you to watch it because he's a big fan. Oh, that's so nice. I was going to have him come. He said once he says hi and he's just a big fan.

We got to hang sometime. Oh, suddenly you're busy, aren't you? Did you guys see that? We should hang sometime. You know what? I've never seen the light go out of someone's eyes so quickly. It's like I asked you for a kidney. Did you have that on tape? Oh, my God, please get the video. You will see a soul leave a body. I can't understand why someone with a nine-month-old and 19 dogs wouldn't want to- She's 10 months today. We'll see. Ten months. You know her birthday.

I don't. I googled it before I walked in because I knew you guys would ask.

I've got to goog my child's name.

I'm like, What's her name?

Well, tell your husband, I would love I'm your fiancé. I would love to hang with him or meet him or whatever. That's so nice.

He would love to meet you, too. He loves you.

Well, role play, really good. Thank you. It's on Prime Video, and I'm so happy for you. Thank you. Yeah, I am thinking about the first time I went over and taped a bit over on the big bank set. You guys were all there because I was next door. I remember thinking, this is the number one show on television, and you could expect a set like that to be tense and weird, and you were the... It was just a group of nice people. I thought, something's very wrong here. You were suspicious. I went back to my set and created the creepy tension that I think you need. They're really good.

But it worked out well for you.

Kaylee, we absolutely adore you. You can come back here anytime. Love you guys.

This was like a joy for me today. I couldn't wait to get here.

I can't wait to hang out with you and your fiance.

I got to head out now. No, it's going to take four miles for me to I need a walk to get to my car, so I got to head out now. I need a gatorade. Can you send me with a sandwich? Yes, we'll send you with a sandwich. Because it's a long walk. Thank you. Have a cooler. Thank you.

Hey, guys, it's time for the third act segment, and we don't have an idea for this segment. There's literally nothing that we can think of to talk about.

We've given it absolutely no thought.

I know. Usually, I come up with so many ideas.

Oh, so not. Yeah. My kids went to sleep. My kids woke up.

My kids ate something. It's all about my kids these days. I have nothing else going on. I don't know what else is happening.

We'll get back to us in 20 years. What? I'm just saying. Then they'll be doing all kinds of cool stuff.

Well, they do cool stuff now.

No, I mean when they're hitting the clubs.

I'm not going to talk to you about when they're hitting the clubs.

Anyway.

I can't live vicariously through my kids.

I want to know what it's like to be young and cool.

In You're going to be 80.

Have you ever once hit a club?

I've never hit a club. Yeah, I haven't either. Never once in my life.

Yeah. Sona? Yes. Big club hitter.

I was. I love the clubs.

You actually... Sona tore it up back in the day. I know.

That's what I hear.

We've talked about this. They weren't expensive clubs. They were- Excuse you.

Price Club.

We know people. We got into places. We were cool.

What do you mean? What's a good place that you went?

I would say something and you would even know if it was cool or not.

Was it Club Fentastique? Was Was it Club Geronimo? Was it Club Cacao? Club Cacao? Did you go to Mud Room? Did you go to Giacomo Joe's? Where did you go? Keep going.

What else? What other clubs do you know?

Oily Sam's. Yeah.

What about Flop House, which was a German club?

Yeah. I went to all of those places. The places where you guys would stand across the street just staring at the people going.

Yeah.

And pleasureing ourselves. No, with our clothes on. With our clothes on, just wearing Bulky parkas, but just rubbing our chestal areas. No, I had no club life.

You didn't like dancing? Don't you like dancing?

No, I never went dancing.

The thought of an after-hours thumping Hollywood nightclub gives me so much anxiety.

When I see it in movies, it's upsetting to me because I need to yap. I need to talk to people. My only weapon was my spiel. The idea that you would take that away with loud club music?

No. Also, you have money that you could get a nice table in the middle of the dance floor.

No, now I do, but for years, I didn't. I guess. For For years, I was driving a '77 Isuzu Opal and wearing clothes that I had worn in high school that I had stolen from my brother Luke. Then I'm going to be in the... And waiting for my skin to clear up, I'm going to be...

You and Greg and Rodman, and you guys never just went out and were like...

If you ever want to know what the opposite of entourage was, literally the negative image of entourage, it was my posse in the late '80s. Is there a gluten-free bun?

The opposite of entourage.

Absolute fucking opposite. There was a place here in LA when we first moved out here called Flaky Jakes.

Oh, I remember that place.

It was a restaurant, too. It was a restaurant, but what you did is you got a tray and you built your... My friend Greg figured out... He was like, We got to go to Flaky Jakes because he figured out you could just buy the hamburger bun for like 30 cents, and then you could take it the salad bar and just pour a salad in between the two guns and make a sandwich that cost basically 35 cents that was made of stuff at a salad bar. He would eat it and just be like, Man, we got the system beat. And this was my wingman. This was my wingman. Hey, ladies. Who wants to go out? You want to go out to dinner? Sure. You guys seem cool. We'll go out to dinner with All right, we're going to Flaky Jakes, and dinner is on us. There's two of you, so that's 60 cents. Greg gets one bun, I get the other bun. Who wants Ranch? Now, who wants French on top of Ranch? Now, who wants Croutons on a bun? Now, who wants coleslaw on that?

Oh, my God.

You know what?

All the same. I would way rather do that than go to a club.

I like letting loose. I like just going someplace and just having drinks with my friends and just letting loose. It was nice. I had a lot of fun.

But also, you were a very uninhibited person. This is not, but you were someone who you could meet a fella and then be making out with him on the dance floor, and there was no problem. Sure. You weren't afraid of a little PDF.

Pda. Pdf is a document.

What I'm saying is you were not afraid. You were not afraid to call up a document on your screen in a loud club with a guy you don't really know.

Oh, my You weren't afraid of a little Microsoft X, were you? You had some time for a pages doc or let's say an Adobe Photoshop JPEG on a hot night, maybe even a GIF.

Yeah, no, I did. I had no problem with it. That's how unfamiliar I am with a PDA, is that I call it a PDF. But what I'm saying is, I used to come back in the early days when you would come back with stories, and I'd be listening like they were ghost stories. I was like, Oh, my goodness. I actually put on pearls so I could clutch them. Oh, my.

No, you're right. I think, yeah, you and I are different that way.

Right. That you enjoyed life.

No, it's that you're a lot more just like,.

Those are just noises. You're not saying words.

No, but I mean, you're a lot more buttoned up than I am, which is, I think, good. I think I was a little too much to the extreme.

You were a little extreme, but also I had my time. I had my time. Let's just say I had my time.

Okay, you PDFed. Flaky Jakes. You brought a PDF to Flaky Jakes?

No, Flaky Jakes. There was a period where I briefly got it together. Okay. It was basically during the first George Bush administration. I see. All right. Leading into the early Clinton administration. Okay, see. Let's just say it was quite a... I mean, yeah. Do you have a nickname? Now, my definition of got it together is probably different from yours.

No, but still, you went outside your comfort zone.

Sure. Okay. Yeah.

What did they call you in that period?

They called me the Red Rooster.

Oh, God. That's not sexy. That's not sexy. Red Rooster?

That's not sexy.

It's okay.

Why not just the cock?

That's too obvious. It's just too on the nose.

I'm talking about the genitals.

Oh, okay. All right. No, then that's okay.

There was a writer on our staff once who was bragging about how he was quite the ladies' man back in the day, and I said, Yeah, they called you Jack Fuck. Because I just thought it was such a ridiculous, Man, what are you, Jack Fuck? What a ridiculous nickname for a ladies' man to have.

Oh, God. I just love that you think they have to have a nickname.

Yeah. Shout out to Flaky Jakes. You think they're still in the business?

No, but there is an abandoned Flaky Jakes, I think, off the 60 freeway.

Yeah, but it's haunted. I bet ghosts are making sandwiches for 60 cents. We're getting away with murder. Well, anyway, I think we got to get going. What am I- Let's hit the clubs. Let's hit the clubs. Yeah.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ofsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, nick Gleow, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at EarWolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Tv. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and Mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brenda Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnik. Talent Booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brit Kohn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Konan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It, too, could be featured on a future episode. If you haven't already, please subscribe to Konan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.