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An Apple original series, AC Richmond announced the hiring of their new manager, an American football coach, Ted Lazo. I know that Richmond can give you everything they got or. All right, I'll do here. Me success is about helping these fellows best versions of themselves, I do not believe your decision to bench Jamie was a masterstroke only we're allowed to talk like that of working with Jason Sudeikis stars in Ted Lessel.

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Watch Ted LASO now on the Apple TV subscription required for Apple TV.

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Plus, hi, my name is Maya Rudolph and I feel pretty terrific about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

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Shoes walking, shoes on the two books and back into. Hey, everybody, welcome to this terrible. Let's try it again. It feels like it's a nightmare. Oh, we try to get. Hello and welcome to another episode of Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. I really do need a friend. We all need a friend during these times, these very trying times and so thrilled to be doing the podcast. Know it nourishes me. Can you tell that son of that the podcast nourishes me.

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What nourishes me. You enjoy it. I enjoy the pie. It's not a hard concept. It's not. It's nourish is is a weird word. I really. You see that you enjoy. What do you mean. You know, people say that. Do you think that was so weird that I say the podcast nourishes me? No, I think it's like you're like a vampire who feeds on the adoration of other people.

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So it does make sense to me. Yeah. Oh, so I was thinking of myself as a as an infant suckling at the teat of catastrophe.

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Either one isn't a win, but I do agree. That's how I see it. I see it that the podcast is I'm a newborn and I need fresh mothers milk. Yes. And I found this medium quite by accident and I'm sure I don't belong here, but I'm suckling at the teat of podcast re. I don't think of myself as a vampire. That's vampire pronounced in the old nineteenth century since I am not a vampire. Why, why what?

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Why would anyone need to care about how they pronounced vampire in the eighteenth century. I think they didn't. They is. There's a movie. The one. Where is it.

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The Francis Ford Coppola. Yeah. Yeah. Swampy Gary Oldman over enunciates everything. Why don't you grow a. Oh my God. I love that movie. I tried to get my kids to watch that movie of the night and they I was describing it to them and they will watch it to they don't watch horror. My kids won't watch horror. And I love horror movies. And also that movie has so many it has great, truly great moments. And then moments that are like so ridiculous, you know, and some of the performances and in some of the imagery, it's insane.

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But anyway, we decided one way or the other, whether you say it nourishes me or it's suckles me, it's suckles you. Yes, I said that wrong. They did say that. Well, you know, in a way can I say something and this is going to sound a little maybe just a little self-centered. The medium has suckled at me. Oh. Because I think I have nourished Podcast's with my contribution and I know that that's going to enrage the podcast community.

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They're going to say, hey, man, you just came along with a year and a half ago, fuck. And I go, no, no, no, no, I'm sorry, other podcast, but you suck at my teat just as I suck at yours. Yeah. And it's been two years so fuck off. Yeah. Yeah. I want you to go get bit by a lumpier man. I think it's too late to introduce you guys now, but of course Dornum obsession my assistant until.

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Well she moves on. Yes. Many hints but nothing happens. And then of course man a terrific podcast producer. You do a great job. You really where's the bit. There's no bit. He really does do a good job. Yeah, I have a pitch for us. Yes. I think the three of us should go on. The sensation that's sweeping America floor is lava. Do you know about this? No, it's this huge new game show on Netflix where three people have to go across a room where all the furniture is floating in lava.

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And you have to use all this kind of like strategy and coordination to work together as a team. And I think we'd all let me ask a couple of questions to to understand. Quit so quickly. Is it real lava? It's no, but it's like red colored water. And when the people fall in, they cut away and you never see them again. They die. Wow. It's about teamwork. We would die. No. Yeah, I think so.

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I think so. Yeah. I think you would start speaking way too loud and that would part the lava would move aside. Maybe it makes a path because that doesn't exist. But just because. Oh no, no, no, seriously. You'd be like now wait a minute, where do we get a good burrito and all of the all of the lava would park? Well, is this is a huge show. It's huge. And you think the three of us should go on it?

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Yeah, I think it will be a study and dysfunction. Would they book us? I mean, obviously they'd be Conan O'Brien. That's I think that's exactly why. Yeah, they would they but when I say I'm bringing my two friends from the podcast along, don't I get some pushback? Hey, why not?

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Andy Garcia, that's your first choice. Are you even friends with decrypts not pretending that I have a posse. That's me, Andy Garcia and Larry Staats. Larry Storch. Do you think he's close to one hundred years old and he played a guard on F Troop? That's my posse. It's a strange posse, but it's my posse. Do they get celebrities on that show? They have not. Yet you're pushing your normal every day. I thought they got like the top celebrities in the world and the ladder that you thought I could be on it, but they do is they'll be like the teachers, the the tennis friends.

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We would be the podcasters.

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No. Yes. No, no. We would not be the podcasters would be Conan O'Brien and then those two people. I'm sure that's what it would be. We don't even get names. Well, good people. You'd be person one and Ghaleb person to. Oh, I'm sorry. That's how it works. I don't think this is a good idea. You don't think we should go on the show? Because I your show. We should go on.

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Is there ever a bachelor. What.

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I can't go on the best I can. I because I'm know. No you can't know. And you're, you're, I'm not saying this to be mean. You're too old. I'm not saying that to be mean. You are. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You had a perfect out which is Conan. You've been married for almost 20 years. You can't be on The Bachelor. And you didn't go with that. How much you want to be on The Bachelor all in their 20s and 30s.

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So what I look, people have no idea how old I am. I'm very useful person. You've been on television for as long as some of those contestants have been alive. I got started very young and I've had a lot of work done. I'm telling you, if I was a bachelor, so many women would just be losing it and hoping that I guess it sort of rose to, yeah, give a rose. Don't want troops with don't see the show a lot.

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I just assumed to be on a reality show. You know, I don't care. You just want to be flanked by a lot of women. I want I think a lot of very young women who are like fitness instructor would be saying, I got to spend time in the hot tub with Conan. But then Kirstie came along, but there'd be a lot of it. Episode of The Bachelor where I had to leave to go take cholesterol lowering medication. I needed a nap.

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And I wanted to watch the latest Ken Burns documentary. And there's just 20 roses, roses everywhere. And all these women are like, who is this guy? And then one of them is like, how old is he again? Jesus, you're kidding. He's that old way. When I was born, he was forty. How is that even possible? And I'd come out every now and then I'd be like, Who wants a shoulder? Oh, God, no, thank you.

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I'll give you the rose if you let me smell your hair. Oh, you never eliminate anyone I know. I would never eliminate team contests. You'd say bring a friend. I would say bring a friend. I would say I'd be completely asexual. Well, ladies, we've had a great couple of months here. You haven't eliminated any of us. You give a rose soon. You haven't given one fucking rose away, you old piece of shit.

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I'm not as old as you think I am. They hate you so they hate me so much. You're always just like I just want off the island. Good. If you're lucky, I'll have sex with you. Oh, they should do a creepy old bachelor. Well, you convinced me. Forget Flores love. I want to see this. You should do the new show I'm looking at called expired. That's creepy old fashioned draxler. None of the women want to be with him.

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I really want to see that show. I think that's just called every office environment.

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Yeah, I probably know. Well, they never know who The Bachelor is until they get there. I think so they don't get it. Can you see that? Can you imagine their faces. Yeah. If they get all those women and they go like well now who hosts The Bachelor. I said, Chris Harrison. Yeah. I thought it was Steve Chudleigh. Oh you know, Steve Tetley quit a couple years ago. Is it just Borkman? No.

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Is it not Chaz Borkman success? Halloway But anyway, the host of The Bachelor, right. Bing Bing Shalamar, Bing Shalimar would say, and here he is. And I come out. Yeah, it's a franchise that's existed for so long and I would kill him. You have to what. And whoever sticks it out gets to have a little bundt cake. That's why they're there for you get a bundt cake. Yeah. Well anyway, we can't mess around.

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We got a we got a fantastic show today has to show today. Let me tell you who's on. Yes. All right. They already announce who's on. It's not a big surprise. I always act like it's a surprise. I fundamentally don't understand on my own podcast where it says when you get the show, who's on the show? I mean, and they've already introduced them. They've already introduced themselves. It's so clear. I don't don't listen to it.

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I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just having a good time. I'm very excited about our guests. My guest today is someone who I've wanted to have on the program since the very beginning of his podcast. She's a hilarious actress and comedian who was a cast member on Saturday Night Live and starred in the hit movie Bridesmaids. She. Currently nominated for three Emmy's, good god, three Emmys just this season alone for her roles on Senate Live Bigmouth and The Good Place, I am thrilled and honored.

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She is with us today.

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Maya Rudolph, welcome.

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I'm going to start by bragging on your behalf, which is you are currently nominated for three Emmys.

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Ain't that a bitch? That's pretty cool. Yeah, that's a I wouldn't say it's a bitch. I don't know what I'd say.

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I guess you're supposed to say, like, ain't that bout a bitch if you're cool. I don't really know if I'm saying it right, but I'm pretty thrilled.

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Well, I am cool. And you're supposed to say and that bout a bitch because that's how I talk. That's what people. Conan That's it. That's it. Continues. And that's that was my catchphrase in the 90s when I was in late night, I opened the show by going, ain't that about a bitch? People went crazy.

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Oh, yeah. Just crowd would go nuts. But I got to say something. You get nominated for three Emmys this year for your roles on Saturday Night Live, Big Mouth and the good place. Check this out. You were the first actor in Emmy history in Emmy history to be nominated twice in the same guest category in a single year. That's fucking crazy. That's fucking crazy.

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I, I can't believe it's me that they're talking about. Well, I looked into it. They're not. It's a mistake. It's a clerical error. Yeah. No, it's not you. It was about Angela Bassett. Listen, I'll take it. It says right here Angela Bassett and they fucked up. But I'll take it, Angela. I'll take it. Because let me tell you something, Conan. I'm not getting a lot of great news these days.

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I don't know about you, but it's nice to get good news. Yeah, it is.

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Well, I can imagine you getting the call early in the morning. I'm guessing that you're nominated three times and then this historic twice you're competing against yourself in the same guest category.

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There's such a rivalry going on at my house right now between me and me. Great. That's so great. If you were just. Yeah. If you were just sort of bitchy about yourself, she's OK. There's some hate campaigns out there that you're putting out against yourself. You've seen her on Saturday Night Live, but is she really reading the cue cards?

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Well, as long as you hate yourself, my advice to you is put all of your self esteem into these Emmys. If you win, really love yourself and if for some reason you don't, which I think is artistically difficult. But if you didn't, I think you should just feel terrible. Should end it all. Yeah, well, I wouldn't do that. No, I'd stick around.

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But you might be right. You make a good point. I make a really good point. No, I'm very happy for you. I'm always I want to stay nourished when really talented people are recognized. And you've been recognized many times, but it makes me believe in the system. Does that make sense? It kind of makes me feel what I feel like. I'm talking about someone else I know because I feel the same way, because I think you and I both share the same underdog DNA because of our Saturday Night Live time that we put in.

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And so no matter how successful you become or how loved or lauded you are, we were originally only working within a system that I mean, I'm being facetious when I say that I know there's nothing I'm more proud of than being it's a great life. But there's this amazing thing that Lorne did, which was when he created that place, he put in that not ready for primetime players thing that built up this kind of amazing camaraderie with all of us that worked there, both the cast and the writers that made us these underdogs, because we had these movie stars coming in and out every week and we were the hard working, scrappy kids that that fought really hard to get our shit on the air.

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And that's where you find all those incredibly talented people that week in and week out, you know, put their lifeblood into that place and really are the funniest people that, you know, but don't always get the credit. And so I just came really used to that, you know? I mean, I think that's kind of my response. Every time something gets recognized that it's that someone that I think is amazingly talented because it happens rarely in my.

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What's interesting is that there's this feeling that I had seen it live. And I think it's what you're describing. It's the institution, the comedic institution maybe in American history. It's this absolutely incredible place that you go into. But while you're there, it plays on all your insecurities. That's what happened to me. I never felt like I deserve to be there. I would work incredibly hard. And no matter what kind of success I had there, I thought, I'm just the guy that's here to sort of fix the furnace.

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You know, you had tremendous success, but there's something about leaving and then you have. So well as yourself and on your own terms, that and it's the same thing, Tina Fey, so many people, Amy Poehler, you become those people that would then come back to Sarah, not live, and everyone will be nervous around you. Do you know what I mean? Which is very hard to accept. Yeah. There's this acceptance that if you're lucky, happens later on that you can never feel when you're alive because it feels like it's you're in high school.

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You can't feel to salute silently like like maybe college at best. But yeah, I mean, my my office was so messy and shitty it probably smelled bad because we were in there, you know, when the cleaning people were supposed to come in. We were in there till eight o'clock in the morning. So it was disgusting. I mean, I was there for the days that some of those dudes were peeing in cups and leaving them on their shelf.

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Those those stories I do that during the podcast. You do that now? I'm doing it now. Right. Right, right. Now. Hold on. There we go. What was the question?

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I got distracted by got issue, but yeah, you said it so well, because the minute you said these beautiful people come in your office, my first thought was J. Lo like her. It was the first time Jennifer Lopez came into the office and we were pitching her something. And I thought, God, I'm really not. That's a real person. That person's skin looks that good in real life. And this was before people were were surgically augmenting their posteriors.

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Hers is real. And it was in my office and it was beautiful. Right. So beautiful.

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Did you look at it a lot? Did you look at you? Were you just staring at it like it was the second coming of Christ?

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Yes, I was. I honestly was. It was really beautiful. Yeah. I hear it can heal the sick, but you will walk again. There's a little boy in a wheelchair is brought to his ass and he just looks at it and then he's tap dancing and goes like that before it's after the wheelchair. He steps in, he goes right to tap his head. He's just not good. Good tap dancer. But he's just so excited to be walking because she says, no, no.

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But it's so true. What you said is exactly true, not the not the tap dancing part, but that that the high school imposter syndrome, the like. I do believe that it's it's there for a reason, whether it was intended initially or not. But it does read something where we work harder that much harder. I mean, when I worked there, I didn't have a family and I, I lived alone and I lived like a like a vampire, like there was nothing in my refrigerator.

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And I don't know when anything had been cleaned. And I was rarely home because everything I did was for that place. And that's all that mattered at that time. But it but it made me a really it made me a really dedicated hard worker.

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You I think like a lot of us, a lot of us thought, could I work there? I don't know if that was a dream of yours. You were a huge fan of Gilda Radner. And I'm wondering, why did you gravitate? I mean, I think the answer is obvious. And this isn't me being here. Many people gravitated to. But what was it specifically about Gilda Radner for you?

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So funny, because when you're a kid and you like something like that, you don't know why. And you think it was odd that I like that. And then you meet all your people and you find out later that Tina loved her and Amy loved her and everybody had the same feelings. But for me, it was this adult world that my parents were old enough to be a part of and they were watching the show. And I know now that other than the fact that they all looked cool, Gilda radiated some sort of joy and I wanted to be her friend.

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I felt this like gravitational pull to her smile and to the joy that she was having. And I and I later recognized this feeling for myself that when I feel that way, when I want to play with someone, that means that I that I that I'm going to enjoy it. That means that I obviously like it when you really feel like you're pulled in, like, oh, I want to go play with that person, you know. You know that you're going to love it.

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I never got to meet Gilda Radner, but meeting there, I just know that she would have been a delightful person. And I know so many people who said, oh, no, no, she was absolutely delightful and you would have had a really good time with her. And I think what you hit on is this thing that makes me think about music and comedy and how it's all. About playing, oh, this is one of my favorite things to talk about, you know that the guy didn't know that we're going to you're going to know that in a minute.

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I think I intuitively brought you to I mean, this is just what I do. It's like I have a divining rod, but. No, but I was going to say, you say it. It's you can enjoy yourself and tap into this frequency and it's fun. And afterwards, people are like, that was great. Good job. You think job.

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Yeah, I would have done that for free. And I've been doing it for free for the last forty eight years really, or at least the first 20 something years in my house. And for my parents and their friends in my living room, it's the thing that you do and it feels right and it feels good. The thing you were bringing up about music also just fascinates me because I'm fascinated by the music comedy connection especially. And I know you understand that being a musical person yourself.

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So it's like this strange place where it's it's like me. I'm fascinated by the place where there's a mutual admiration society between musicians and comedians and also how they're very exclusively their own things. And great musicians can't really be fabricated. You either just are a great musician or not. It's there's no there's really no in between in the same. I think with a great comedian, I could that's why I love hearing bands talk about like, quote, Spinal Tap or.

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Yes. Or quote, you know, their favorite funny things, because I know that they understand how funny it is and for some reason they both operate on the same frequency. Well, you know, it's interesting because you as someone who's very, you know, incredibly adept at both, you maybe you can answer this. There's this weird thing where rock gods envy comedians. Yes. And comedians. Every comedian I know wants to be a rock God because it's a it just seems objectively cooler to be them, doesn't it?

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It's definitely cooler hands down from a comedian's point of view to be the rock that one hundred and fifty percent. But I don't know, talk to them about it. I'm surprised they still they still know they're cooler. No, no, no.

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I will tell you, a quick story has happened in like the nineties. I went out and I used to do my own warm up on the show and I would actually sing a song. And I'm walking up the aisle and I stop. And Jeff Beck was sitting in the audience probably next. Many people put them on par with Eric Clapton as one of the great guitarists of all time and just this iconic, amazing, incredible musician. And he's still making great music.

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And he is he is, you know, in that pantheon of 60s and 70s rock gods. And he's sitting on the aisle and I go up the aisle and I see him and I think it's Jeff Beck. I can't believe what's he doing here. And so I recover. I don't call him out. I get through the warm up. I do the show. The show's over. I think it was an OK show. Nothing to write home about.

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He's outside the studio six days afterwards and he's like, I'm like, wow, Jeff, it's Mr. Beck. It's so cool to have you here. And he went, Oh, I could do what you do. It would finally be happy. And I'm like, What? What do you mean?

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Like like any of us is like just to be, you know, going to. And I was like thinking, what do you mean to do what? I do have like a chat with someone from Dawson's Creek. What the fuck are you talking about, by the way? Yes, that's specifically what I did, was the way you handled Van to be masterful. You and I just couldn't understand what he was talking about. And then when you threw through commercial and then there was a commercial that I don't know how you do it.

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Was he dying when he was? Yes, he was. It was weird. Very few people know this, but he had a terrible disease at the time and he was literally running out of air as I spoke to him, which is why it sounds like you're putting down my impression. But it's actually very, very accurate. No, I think that in hearing that it really makes me believe in my own personal theory that might be complete bullshit, which is that there is something I don't know if musical is the right word for it, but what he was watching you do is something that is really only attainable by the comedian.

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Yes. And we feel the same way about that unbelievable ability when we see a fantastic musician. Like I said, people can play music, but we're talking about fantastic musicians.

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And there is something about timing that is not that's my insta can't deliver.

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Guys, I had that sent over. Enjoy it. Thank you. Thank you for 16 frier chickens. I know what to get people I know. I mean, that's all I live on. You know, there's something about that that is just that's not that that isn't fake. And I think that's really exciting to what is it? She's going to get them and then she's going to she's going to talk.

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OK, I'm just going to describe to people because they can't see it. You're holding up a beautiful small doll. OK, now it's clear it's a dog. I like your. What's your dog's name? Daisy. I like that. Daisy said I'm going to help Conan out by proving that I'm a dog. But this audio format, by going with I squeezed.

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I just I suppose I suppose the life out of first she could play, you know.

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So I was showing everybody before, but she likes to sit in this like weird nook where like she can't she's she gets squashed on purpose. Must be like a womb, a womb thing for dogs.

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Yes. Some people want to be crushed. It's one of my erotic fantasies excuse me that it says here on the paper. Talk to me about your fantasies. Well, this is something you were into. I like to be crushed and constrained.

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Oh, that's that is what I wanted to talk to you about. Yeah.

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Yeah. I mean, look, we could get into all the amazing work you've done and all the things that are happening for you and talk about comedy. But no, I'm a fledgling I'm a fledgling therapist as well. OK, I've got to find something to do these days. Well, good. Then you can help me. I really want to be I think of tight belts or they're tight and and the woman is saying, you be good and it's snake, it's a snake comes out of her mouth and you know that I'm a fledgling therapist.

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I know you're good. Yes, pretty good. I'm pretty good. And then the snake says, accept your real sexuality. I'm like, hey, hey, whoa. OK, that was too much. Probably too much. You know, I did want to bring up I know that you are a huge admirer of Prince, his music and that you had this incredible band. Princess. Do you still do you still do princess? Occasionally. Do you guys reform?

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Do you still perform?

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We do. I mean, I didn't know if we we were doing it when he was alive because my friend Gretchen and I were just doing it anyway. It was like one of those things like I'm going to be doing this in my car anyway, or like doing this in the shower. We might as well do this publicly, not together. We weren't in the shower together. But I mean, we could we were college buddies, but another my fantasies go out.

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But then we we realized that the prince that we loved was the prince that we grew up with, which was this early, gritty up into Purple Rain and a little bit beyond that, this kind of like sun. And he was really back to what we were talking about before I realized as an adult, really funny. His stage, his stage performances had such great stuff, too. He was he was like, I mean, one of my all time favorite performers that will ever that I will have ever seen.

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I don't know if he ever got to see them live, but it was so celebrating because he could do anything. And then he was also really funny, too. And there was something about that combination. So that's why we we started doing it and we were kind of laughing through it and all that wonderful energy combined. We were doing that and the shows and then he died and I thought, well, this sucks. I don't want to do this anymore.

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But after a while, it started to feel nice to celebrate him and then just weirdly like found all these other you know, you find more of your people. And we found all these other kind of freaks who felt the same exact way and that like they got all the jokes, they knew how funny he was. They knew all the live stuff. And they loved the the bootlegs. We all knew the same bootlegs in the same versions of things.

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And he just happened to be such a prolific musician that there was just so there's so much stuff to cover that we always do new stuff every time. So we've been doing it for a while. I think we were talking about doing something again before the election to get people to vote, but I don't think we'll be doing it just yet.

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Yeah, yeah, I don't think so either. I think covid will not allow that. But did you get I'm imagine you got to meet Prince. I did get to meet him.

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I realized the other day that I didn't know him intimately, like he wasn't like a like a true friend. But I but he knew I loved him, which made me feel really proud and then good. I got to hug him three times in my life. You were there one of those nights you were there for the one of the hugs, which was that SNL? Yeah, I saw him several times. He was at SNL when I was there.

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I don't remember what year that was. And I thought that is the most perfect looking human I've ever seen. And people have asked me and I said, and I don't mean it to be it's not about his size. It's not like a. Sighs joked that he was small, he was like a doll, a very perfectly made doll, and I'm talking about his face and his features and he looked like he had been crafted by by a by a beautiful someone who really knew workmanship.

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And I totally agree. And I had a funny thing with him, which is I was hosting something I think was for Tiger Woods, some charity event, and they had this amazing line up and they asked me to sort of emcee or do stuff. And I can't remember. But I remembered it was I was at this venue and an insane line up. The person closing the show is going to be Stevie Wonder. And so I'm backstage. And there was this rumor that maybe Prince might show up and play with Stevie Wonder.

[00:32:04]

Always a rumor, by the way. Never, never confirmed. Yeah, it was like but I remember I heard it all of us backstage, we're talking about it. I think people in the audience thought it might happen, was this rumor. So I'm backstage and Stevie Wonder is on stage and he's playing. And I'm suddenly aware the way you're aware, like in the sixth sense of a presence, like I could see suddenly my breath, you know, and I turned to the left and Prince is there backstage and he's er drumming along to this music.

[00:32:37]

And it's the best er drumming I've ever seen. Yes. It's better than the like the drummer with the real drummer is doing with Stevie Wonder. What Prince is doing is better. It's fantastic. And so he saw me, he went hey. And I said Oh yeah. Hey, hey. How are you. So good. Good. And you still er drumming not missing a beat. And then he said, I said so there's a rumor that you're going to go out and play with Stevie Wonder and he went no, no can do that.

[00:33:02]

Now I'm just here to watch. And I went Oh so you're not going to play anyone. No, no, no, I'm not going to play. And I went, OK, and just then Stevie Wonder starts to play superstition. Don't think ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. And I'm thinking, OK. And I said, yeah, because people were saying you were going to go out. And he looked at me, he went, No, man, I'm really not going out.

[00:33:25]

And as he said, I'm not going out. This technician put put it perfect. I knew that's perfect. That perfect Paisley guitar around his neck. And it was all miked up and he looked at me, went, got to go. And then he fell in with some funk. But don't don't don't get it done and walked out on stage. And I'm like, Fulker why. And I and part of me thought he just came in. It's supposed to be secret.

[00:33:53]

I'm backstage. You're going out in eight seconds. You can tell me. Yeah, I'm going out. But this was him saying in his own way, Mr. Way, I can't ruin the surprise. Oh. And I thought, that's perfect. God damn it, that's so frustrating and so accurate. But it was perfect. If that's who he was, that's who he was. I think that thing that he did, he created this mystique in this thing that he couldn't he couldn't put down any more.

[00:34:20]

I think he had to have that game. There was never there was never an answer. There was never a Yankees coming. No, he's not coming. You might see him. You might. And the Titta of everyone, that is the that might be the best story about his mystique that I've ever.

[00:34:36]

Yeah, no, it's an absolutely true story and I've since heard Largo. I'm sure you've performed at Largo. We're doing our late night shows at Largo Theater and now in Los Angeles. Right. I'm so happy about that. And but Flannery, who runs Largo, told me, oh, he used to always when someone he like was coming on, he'd call ahead and he'd make all these, like if I could sit in the back and can I have this to drink and can I have this ready?

[00:35:01]

Can I have that ready to never come? And somewhere he was giggling, somewhere he was doing that. It's like, when were we going to get the memo that that, you know, you could be cool, too, if you if you fucked with people like that, you just don't we don't put in the energy and the time to be that cool. You know what? I think it's it's different than that. I think you could do it.

[00:35:27]

I could put in all the energy and all the time and people would would just say, what an asshole. Yeah, no. We went ahead and he said, make sure there's chicken nuggets there and make sure it's with the sweet and sour sauce and make sure that, you know, you have my favorite pillow and then I didn't show up. Hey, guess what, asshole? You owe us for the.

[00:35:51]

Hey, the Michelle Obama podcast is out right now on Spotify, very excited about this, I think everyone is. The series brings listeners inside. The former first lady's most candid and personal conversations, shows us what's possible when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, open up and focus on what matters most, something we could all stand a good dose of these days. This is a quote from First Lady Obama. My hope is that this series can be a place to explore meaningful topics together and sort through so many of the questions we're all trying to answer in our own lives.

[00:36:22]

As she just said, perhaps most of all, I hope this podcast will help listeners open up new conversations and start conversations with the people who matter most to them. That's how we can build more understanding and empathy for one another. I have to say, I was very honored to be included among some of the guests in this season, just to name a few, only the important ones. First, joining the former first lady will be President Barack Obama, Marion and Craig Robinson, Valerie Jarrett, Michele Norris, Dr.

[00:36:54]

Sharon Malone. And and I'm in there to Conan O'Brien. And I have to tell you, I just had the time of my life. I loved talking to Mrs. Obama. It was a great conversation. She's a natural. And I know that this is going to be a massive success. So don't waste any time. Listen free at Spotify, dotcom slash Michelle Obama, that Spotify dot com slash Michelle Obama.

[00:37:27]

Obviously, I worry a lot about security of an international figure, a figure known throughout the world, also not beloved by a lot of enemies.

[00:37:40]

I have enemies all over the place on this podcast. Yeah, on this podcast in my office mostly. But Sony, you probably know of many people that have said, hey, where exactly is going to live so I can dispatch ninjas to go beat him with pipes. Right. And I give them your address. I know. And a ninja is beating me. It's such a waste of a ninja to hire a ninja to beat you with a pipe when they have all these other skills.

[00:38:04]

But I do I think security is not just important for a fellow like me known throughout the world, but for anybody. And when it matters most, you've got to trust a DETI because now more than ever, you need peace of mind with 24/7 rapid response monitoring from the leader in home security, not the follower, not middle of the pack. You want the leader when it comes to your security. And in my opinion, that's ADT. So be an everyday hero by staying home safely while ADT helps protect you and your loved ones.

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[00:39:13]

Learn more at ADT Dotcom Slash podcast. I want to bring this idea of music and comedy together, because I do think one of your or maybe some source of your super power is that you are a very talented musician and an incredibly talented comedian and actor. And I see it all coming together, I mean, in so many places. But specifically and this is one of the roles that you've been nominated for, Koney, the hormone monstrous, you the voice saying now it's genius voicing.

[00:39:54]

I remember when your character first showed up on Big Mouth. It's this great scene where you show up and you just it's so hard to hit a home run with just your voice, but you come out and I don't know where that voice comes from. I have no idea where that voice comes from. But it is one of the greatest vocal performances I've seen in animation. And I've been around animation a bit. I was blown away by that performance.

[00:40:18]

So erm we started doing Big Mouth and I was hired to be Nick's mom. Fred Armisen and I were hired as his parents. Right. And I think it was like the third, the second or third episode. Nick Kroll already was doing a hormone monster. And so Jesse's character needed something monstrous and she was getting her period. And it was all kind of a perfect storm. And I and they threw it to me. I think the idea was to do a one off thing.

[00:40:48]

I don't know where the hell that voice came from.

[00:40:50]

But the reason I bring up go back to the music thing is that no one without innate musical talent could play that character because there's something and I'm not going to try and do it because I can't do it. And I wish you would like a little. There's a parrot and you're talking about this is bad. This is now because I mean, any voice I do always goes back to Nixon. Now that the girl is having her period, I will resign the presidency effective at you know, but that's not exactly like her.

[00:41:21]

Yeah, there's a there's a there's this such a syrupy sensual. Sometimes I'll see something in print that reminds me I'm not insane, but I got obsessed with the way your character said this certain word. And then I saw online that people were talking about it, which was bubble by.

[00:41:38]

Yeah, but you take there's there's only two BS in there and it's but you mix, you may get rid of give rudolfensis, make sure, make a meal out of that. It's so true.

[00:41:56]

Blah blah blah blah.

[00:42:02]

I remember doing it and I remember sort of being egged on to like, can you find more? Can you play it right? And you actually find more. And we were trying to make I think maybe initially, because she's meant to be a hormone monstrous. We were trying to make her voice a roller coaster, just like a roller coaster of emotions. So it was sort of that low, high, low dipping stuff.

[00:42:24]

And then I don't know if I have never I have never, ever, ever, ever, ever asked a celebrity to do my outgoing message. But I swear to God, there's a good chance. I'll call you and ask you. I'm into that because I don't even want to say, hey, it's Conan. I'm not here right now.

[00:42:44]

I just want people who don't get me to hear you say you slowly, slowly bubble out the back and you should take a long time.

[00:42:57]

But it's grabbing up mean. By the way, I would be happy to do that for you.

[00:43:04]

And then I know I'm going to get charged. It's just that's a nominal fee. I see two thousand dollars dollars and a little bit of stock in the my pillow. I just want to see that guy get more money. We'll take care of him. We'll take a very, very good care of him. No, I'm I'm I'm I don't think Muser Emmy nominations are always proof of anything. I think some you know, sometimes people get an Emmy nomination, like, wait, what?

[00:43:40]

Pol Pot got an Emmy nomination for his role in the 70s for his crimes. But my point really. Yeah. And he won. He won. He beat Bob Newhart. You know what they did? Stollen got one stollen. Yes. Doesn't surprise me. Won six Emmys. I mean, listen, I don't I don't currently own an Emmy and I'm not going to lie that it would be great to to to have one to make Martin short field shorter.

[00:44:09]

But I'd be so happy if you be Martin short guy. Love him and he's a friend, but he's got to go. You've got to go, man. Yeah, I'm I was at his house not too long after the fires and I walk in and he says something's happened and he takes me into his office and he's got all his pictures and he says, my mom's gone. And he's really being, matter of fact about how his Emmy's missing. And we had the fires and he, you know, he had to evacuate.

[00:44:39]

Everyone in the area had to evacuate. And he's talking about this. And then Henry and his son Henry and his daughter in law came home and he was telling them, I don't believe this something happened. And he said, Dad, it's in the back of my car. So basically what he had Henry do is pack everything important. So he told he told Henry to pack up Azumi just in case the house burned down. I guess what I'll tell you a true story about Marjorie.

[00:45:04]

He has two dogs and he left the dogs. That's a true story, I believe, that took the M.E. and took food for the M.E.. Yeah. And left the door. And he actually has like a little go carrying case. He straps on the front of him like a newborn. He has a Baby Bjorn holds. And the thing is, the meat, Marty, Marty Short told me this. Sammy loves to hear your heartbeat because he knows.

[00:45:33]

And so he had the me and he's got all these lacerations from the sharp wings. But, yeah, it's you know. Is this true? I always heard that Tina Fey saw you at the Groundlings and she was really blown away as anyone would be by you. But she was really impressed. I think the story was that you had maybe your improv partner was not helping you out too much. She saw how you handled it, which I can imagine you doing so well.

[00:45:59]

But you being improv is such a you are so dependent on the other person. On the other person is. Can you elaborate anything on that story? I don't want to. Any names or. Well, my improv partner, Conan O'Brien and I listen, listen, listen. No, the truth is that I knew I knew right away that she was alive. Night, you know, was one of those things where you're at the theater and you hear like some some Hot Shots from Saturday Night Live are going to be.

[00:46:31]

They always, like producers from the show, are going to be in the audience. So everyone's nervous. But the truth is that later on when she did tell me, I saw that that guy was fucking with you and I saw how you handled it. Because the truth is, he wasn't being a bad improviser. He was so skilled that he was fucking with me. And she knew that and she could tell that. And it really pleased me that she recognized that what someone who probably isn't an improviser would have noticed.

[00:47:00]

That he was trying to fuck me up and make me stumble, and because there were these people in the audience, it was that kind of a thing. And I was really I was really grateful that it was someone that speaks that language and that understood and she knew. So we've tried to kill him, but we haven't had we haven't had any success. No extra. I mean, I think Bob Odenkirk has since apologized. But I am very grateful to I mean, to you, to Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Kristen Wiig.

[00:47:35]

I mean, all these people that I have a daughter, a 16 year old daughter and all of you and you you know so well, you've been relentlessly funny and inventive and talented. And then and I want to make sure I say this the right way. Like people's gender to me is almost like it's the afterthought. You're just such funny people. I mean, and love. I love that we're getting to a place where it used to be.

[00:48:04]

Lucille Ball is a funny woman. And I think I hope this is true that we're getting to a place where it's just there's so many goddamn really funny, brilliant women who are, I don't know, gender. It's part of it, but it's not part of it in a beautiful way. Does that make. Yes. Yes. Because you and I have both been through this so many times. We've heard this question before. We were brought up in an environment where it's a woman and a woman in comedy is the phrase that you hear over and over again.

[00:48:35]

And then when when my group was at Saturday Night Live, there were so many incredible women that were there before me. And I love both the men and the women on the show. I was I was equally attracted. I would have had sex with all of them. They were all that funny, like whether they were male or female. But the thing is that the questions that my generation of women were getting was, you know, it's a real boys club.

[00:48:56]

It's Saturday Night Live. How do you deal with that? And it was so much it just didn't it was based more on this idea that was in print and this journalistic story, like everyone has to have a story. So they kept asking us this story that wasn't really applying to us anymore, whether we had something to do with it or whether we were the recipients of the benefits of people that came before us. Whatever the hell it was, it just kind of continued on till I remember all this talking about it, because we had to do an article.

[00:49:28]

I don't remember. It was like Time magazine. It was something was like the perfect storm of like Tina being the first female head writer and all. Then there were like five females in the cast once and everyone was really strong. And that was kind of the moment where I think someone said, like, can we stop asking this question? Because I was never a little girl that was hoping to be the first, you know, funny woman in my family.

[00:49:53]

It was just for like being funny was cool. My brother was funny growing up. My brother and I used to watch The Gong Show and make me laugh and that and my dad showed us Mel Brooks movies and comedy was cool to me. I wasn't watching it so that I could be a cool lady. Like it's like you said it was my gender was, first of all, predisposed. I had no choice, but like, it wasn't part of the thought process or conversation, and it never is, really.

[00:50:23]

So it's sort of like it's like anything. It's like when you put yourself out into the world, people have to create a name for it in a category or it's it's like, wow, you're so funny. This is the first time we've ever seen you serious. What's that like? Like, I'm still the same fucking idiot who's eating the same yogurt every morning I, I haven't changed. But people need to define you somehow, like how how you are digested in the world.

[00:50:54]

It is true that I think we certainly are getting better, but I just don't I don't know that that is ever going to change because people love to label. It's it's it's kind of lame. Well, I've noticed that it's the need and I think it's a very human need. It's not just the media. I'm not going to blame the media. I think it's a very human need that there's a lot going on out there and we want to make it make sense.

[00:51:20]

So and you're a fascinating person to talk to about this because you are such a great shape shifter and you just keep changing. And so I think you could put out an album, you could have an incredible crush. And in a in a dramatic role, you can be like steal a show with a voice in a cartoon. You could do a puppet show. I just don't know what what you could come up with next. But that's what I see.

[00:51:46]

But I think that there's always going to be a desire to say she was a funny lady on SNL. Yeah. Or like then suddenly that's always happened to me. Or like there hasn't been an African-American woman on the show since Maya Rudolph. I was like, oh, it's good to know I was African-American when I worked there. I didn't know that was that. It's always something I used to shout that whenever you would come on camera, here comes African-Americans and then people don't play well.

[00:52:15]

I used to I remember I went into Lauren's office and I was like, am I the black girl on the show? She's like, I always think of you as the Jewish girl.

[00:52:24]

I was like, I never just like just like pretend I'm never going to get a straight answer out of out of my beloved lawn either. But but the truth is that shapeshifting thing that you're talking about is actually like a very clear indication of, like how I like to put myself out in the world and how I feel about being in the world. Like, I don't really want to feel like one thing. And I totally get it when you say that not just it's not just a journalistic story, but people need to feel like they know what they're consuming or digesting.

[00:53:02]

And it is really interesting. You know, I think just naturally, I really gravitate towards whatever rises to the top. If it's fantastic, it's fantastic. I mean, I don't really want to know about the other stuff. And if it's fair to Midland, sorry, I'm not that interested. So it's that it's the quality that I desire. And I think it's probably the quote, the quality of the work that I am looking looking forward to doing and what I'm doing, which is probably why, I don't know, I think maybe with Connie, with the with the big mouth stuff, I think it's like the one of the most successful things I've ever done.

[00:53:42]

But I think it's probably because I'm laughing so hard when I'm doing it. It's like, yeah, they give me the fucking funny stuff to say. I say, but on a regular basis, which is my all time favorite word, like I say, the nastiest, dumbest stuff. And it's so fun. And I find myself joyful and giddy when I leave because because I'm happy and like that stuff is it's back to the whole Gilda theory. It's like that that joy, you know, when you're in the room with someone that makes you laugh when you're at work and you're happy and you're genuinely making yourself laugh, it's just better work.

[00:54:19]

It comes out better and people and somehow that transfers and people it resonates. I say this many times, but there's so many moments. Some of my happiest moments in my comedy career are not recorded. I mean, I'm just picturing you and Melanie and Crowell in between takes. Oh, my God. And and I think that would be like, oh, OK. That would you're being just as funny when it's not being recorded as you are when it's being recorded.

[00:54:46]

The one person that I probably regularly have recorded with more than anyone is Nick for that show. And I think he might be one of the funniest fucking people of all time.

[00:54:56]

Let's do that. I mean, OK, he's not Irish, which is which is a real which is a real ding against him. So he's got that going on. I've got two dogs, not one, but two dogs. I just had a dog sent over to you. Did you get it right? He's right there. Yep. That's the one I picked out. You got. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That much bigger than the other one.

[00:55:19]

Yeah. Yeah. His name Rheinhardt. Fine thanks. I had that. I always if I really like a guest I give a signal at one point send a dog over. Yeah. That's for you.

[00:55:33]

If this monster is a puppy, if you can be happy we're looking, we're on a Zoome call for anyone who doesn't know during the Soviet era.

[00:55:42]

That's how we do it. And you are being very generous in showing you keep swinging the camera around to show us all kinds of things. I now know where you live. I can I can judge by the the pin, OK? It's just outside. It's not it's not as glamorous as you saw it. I live in a one bedroom condo.

[00:55:59]

It's depressing. Depressing. Yeah, it's really depressing. And there's just there's an old poster of the Fonz on the wall and just some scattered man.

[00:56:10]

He was one of my first loves and I used to play Demolition Derby when I was a kid and wrapped my arm in a paper towel hoping that I was like, Pinky, remember Pinky, Pescadero, Scutaro? And I would I would fantasize that I got to marry the Fonz. That's so cool. You know, this is such a creepy thing. But one of my my first TV crush and it's so creepy to admit to, is I was so young and it was showing in reruns.

[00:56:39]

But Sally Field's first, like one of her big roles in TV, was The Flying Nun. She was a nun. Flew. I had a crush on a nun. Yeah, you did. That's wrong. I was a crush on a nun. But your senses were right. You knew that there was something else underneath. Grab it. But it's wrong. I just I don't think I've ever admitted that. Until I don't think I've ever said that out loud, until today, I fuck this up therapist, I don't I do not want to keep you any longer because you have been incredibly generous with your time.

[00:57:12]

Also, my fee is a lot more expensive for flipping over. Just such a delight, such a delight to talk to you.

[00:57:23]

And I'm I'm really into all the stuff we talked about. I could talk about the stuff with you for a long time.

[00:57:30]

It's OK. Let's continue for another hour. I see a publicist in the background throwing things. Listen, I.

[00:57:38]

I'm very good friends with Martin Short, but I'm rooting for you. Screw Marty Short. I hear he can suck it. He's got all that planning. Yes, he's got enough enough to ensure he's got two Latin Grammys. The guy has enough, you know. So I am I am really. I'm I'm. And it's silly because I want you to win. I want you to win everything but your talent and your grace is completely undisputed. So you do not need you do not need an Emmy, but you do need more dogs in your house.

[00:58:15]

I do. I have one more. He's a lot older. He knows this place. I am really I am very I'm so honored to hear that from you. I've loved you for so long as you know. And then I'm really it means a lot coming from you saying all that stuff. Thank you. I really. All right.

[00:58:33]

Well, best of luck to you and and my best to your very talented other half. You mean my dog? Your dog's great director, by the way. I look at her face, she looks angry. She does indifferent, angry. And you know what? Narconon says she's not a man. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. That was I will definitely give Paul your love.

[00:58:59]

And I watched I made my son watch. There will be blood with me last night because really I've watched it over fifty times. And the times I've been around your husband, I've restrained myself. I have not asked him questions that I've wanted to ask him about. He's he's one of my favorite films. Time you should. I think he would. I should. Well, he would like it. He is the undisputed master and he really makes movies just for me.

[00:59:29]

I think so. I just watched it, I think, for the fifty fifth time last night and had my son watch it with me and he loved it too. So it's so cool. But enough about him.

[00:59:38]

Screw him by the way. He does, he does make them for you. I know. That's what I know. And you know what you can tell because at the time but always says for Conan there's always just a sort of an inevitable.

[00:59:52]

My congratulations on all the amazing stuff that's deservedly happening for you. And I can't wait to see you in a non covid world where we can hang the things that would. I would really like that. You make me very happy. Thank you. Can you take my ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba.

[01:00:16]

Let's face it, we can't always be with our peeps right now, right? Donna, what are you even paying attention? If you weren't you were looking the other way. You were like a cat looking looking at a dryer here. You said yes. OK, boy, there's so many things I could do right now, but I won't know. All he said was people want to be with their peeps. You want to be with other people who are part of the squad.

[01:00:39]

It's peeps time. Yeah, exactly. Well, Miller time, it's hard to have Miller time right now. Or is it. Is it. No, it isn't. Why not? See, I tricked you. It's not. It's a good time for Miller time. You can do it on Zoome. You know, you can have a quick beer with your neighbors and chums with a socially distant hang. You can whether whether you're toasting to friends near for great taste is always close by.

[01:01:05]

You know why? Why great taste is Miller. And if Miller is something you have, that great taste is nearby. OK, I think I followed the classic logic. Yeah. Right now, enjoying a Miller Lite with friends looks different to everyone. OK, fine, but it's still important to stay connected and you want to drink with other people. I do. When I drink alone, people get worried about me.

[01:01:27]

You know, if you're stuck at home, you know, with a roommate or partner or, you know, you want to get out and have more time, you get your friends on the. I didn't have no idea what. I didn't read this ahead of time. And it's a very it's very tortured logic. I mean, I'll just read the overview. But some people are stuck in a house with their roommates and partners while others are back home with their families.

[01:01:51]

Some keep their interaction strictly digital, while others have embraced hangouts outdoors at a safe distance from online happy hours to socially distance picnics. Every 500 piece puzzle in between. We're enjoying new ways of spending time with their friends. That's so many words that say what I could say. Much more simply, I know Miller Time said it. Miller time can happen over Zoome or is socially distanced. You can toast someone who's more than six feet away and still enjoy your miller.

[01:02:18]

How about that? Why can't they just write that? What was all that stuff they wrote? I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. That's how I stay connected with my chums. Yeah. My pal Eric. Right? Yeah. Well, my friend Greg Daniels, I'm calling them all the time on Zuman and saying, hey, let's crack some Millar's and let's all talk. Yeah. You got some brews and talk about the old days.

[01:02:37]

We call them brewskies and yes, we do talk about the old days. So that's a good time for me. Miller time. Were you you like Miller time too? I love Miller time. I love it so much. Oh my God. It's OK. Brewskis with the boys, Greg Daniels and Eric Wright. Don't forget Reitman's in there driving my boy Rodman. Man, when you guys when you get us together and we start cracking those millers crack, crack, crack and we start talking about butterfly click.

[01:03:05]

Yes, like great taste. Only ninety six calories and three point two carbs. You and your friends are enjoying you and your friends Hatebreed ahead and they have this crazy logic. However, you and your friends are enjoying more time this summer. You can have the original white beer delivery by going to Miller Lite dot com forward slash koenen find the delivery options near you. I said delivery delivery options near you. We are celebrate responsibly. I got to get that word out.

[01:03:33]

Celebrate responsibly, but make sure that you get your Miller Lite forwarded to you via the Internet. Miller Brewing Company in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, because you need to know where it's from. Ninety six calories and three point two carbs for 12 ounces, I promise. I read the copy ahead of time next time. So now let's talk about Thrive Market, because I want to yes, this is something I've wanted to talk about for a while. Thrive Market delivers organic and sustainable groceries right to your door.

[01:04:04]

And this is a nice thing. Thrive Market sent you some stuff. It did. Yeah. I mean, I got some delicious organic avocado oil and some some delicious snacks that I could eat without feeling guilty. Here's a nice thing this time of of covid. It's very hard for people to people are worried about going and getting groceries. These groceries are delivered to you. They're brought to you and they're organic. And I know that you're a big nut for organic.

[01:04:30]

I love that organic stuff. Yes, you do. It was a thriving market member. Check this out. Your paid membership provides a free free what? A free membership. So you pay for a membership on a good setting. And it provides I don't like to hold it and I want this tried to run this way, but hey, thrive, I love your product and I'm getting the word out on it. But don't think that's a good sentence.

[01:04:51]

As a as a thrive market member, you're paid membership provides a free one for someone in need, like a low income family. Teach your veteran or first responder. That's all great, great sentiment. But you just got to fix that sentence next time. Thrive and thrive. Yeah. You're not thriving on English language right now. Drive markets over 70 different diets and values. Paleo kids, plant based. I follow the Irish diet myself. What's that?

[01:05:16]

Fried ham and potato. Every meal. That sounds unhealthy. I'm doing fine, OK? I have the body of a ten year old men, but it delivers the highest quality, organic and sustainable essentials. Groceries, healthy snacks, meat and seafood to clean wines, non-toxic cleaning, bath body, you name it. They got it. As a member, you'll save twenty five to 50 percent off traditional retail prices and they're carbon neutral. Shipping is free on orders over forty nine dollars.

[01:05:42]

In addition to membership, matching Thrive Market has raised over seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars to date through their covid-19 relief fund. That is nothing to sneeze about. No, I mean, if I went after their sentence earlier and I shouldn't because now I'm seeing how much good they're doing right. Still, I didn't like that. Sounds you owe them an apology. I think I made it right. Go to thrive market dotcom koenen joined today and you'll get a free gift of your choosing up to twenty two dollars in value.

[01:06:10]

That's t h r ivy market dotcom. Going to start your risk free membership and get a free gift today. Thrive market dot com slash gonna do it. Yeah that's right. Not the best sentence fixed. Let's check in with some more voicemails from listeners. Does that sound good? Yes, yes. I love to hear what the listeners think. I like to try and please them. So let's do as you suggested.

[01:06:42]

Hi, Conan, this is Anna. I wanted to let you know how much you have affected my family. Not in a bad way. My dad always wanted four kids and my mom said that's not happening. So when my sister was born, she would get up in the middle of the night and nurse my sister. And in order to keep my dad awake, he would always turn on Conan O'Brien. And so to this day, my dad always says, you know, the reason you don't have any more brothers or sisters is Conan O'Brien.

[01:07:18]

And I want to let you know that you're curbing the population with this show. And now my sister is an adult and I'm an adult. And actually I have my own daughter and we watch Conan O'Brien and listen to him you all the time. So thank you for keeping our numbers low. Have a great day, life.

[01:07:40]

Thanks for the numbers. Yeah, I am a spermicidal jelly. It is so funny because I completely that resonates with me because especially all those years, 16 years of doing late night at 12, 30 people would always come up to me who were new moms and they would say, I never was up that late. And this is long before the Internet and ways of recording things. So people would always say, I love your show and then tell me why they were up at twelve thirty five, which was really funny.

[01:08:21]

It was like, oh, I've really grown to love the show. You see, I have a very bad rash and there's a cream I need to put on every six hours. Now I put it on before I go to sleep, but that means I have to get up again at 12 30 and reapply the cream from my burn. So it was just always this hilarious, really like the show and my teeth need to be taken out at twelve thirty five and put in a solution of formaldehyde for ten minutes and then replaced in my jaw.

[01:08:49]

And during that time, while I'm waiting, I watch your show. So I but I was specifically here for moms and they were always, they always looked really tired and they were always pushing a stroller with a newborn baby and they were like, this show is a good theme this week. Is that a good fit? And you could tell they were up watching me under duress.

[01:09:13]

So I believe that what's the logic helped me through the logic of how I kept the numbers low because they were up feeding the child.

[01:09:21]

Here's what I think he wanted. They wanted for or somebody wanted for kids. Then you would watch you and maybe you took them out of the mood to do it. Well, I don't know. Yeah. So is that what she's saying? Is she's saying that or is it not that she she knows you were from a big family and they don't want that?

[01:09:42]

Yeah, it could be that, too. I don't think that was implied. I think what she's saying and this could be this is my read on it, that no man can perform while hearing my voice, OK? It's why I can't speak when I'm having sex. Well, what because I wither my own erection is my voice. Oh, I think that's what she's saying. That's just true. And I've been there. I do it wither's. It's like.

[01:10:12]

It's like, it's like a chili pepper that withered on the vine was instantly like, you know, the time lapse of writing which shows something wrong timelapse, you know, and it goes from healthy to then just withering really quickly and there are flies all over it and then it's gone. That's what happens to a male penis when it hears my voice. So I haven't had sex since I took this, you know, and I'll tell you, it's one of the reasons why if you look at countries where this podcast is very popular, those populations are dropping rapidly.

[01:10:47]

They're seeing a rap. That's why we are there. They won't allow us to be shown in Italy because Italy has a terrible population problem. They really need the population in Italy and the Italian people are disappearing. They found out that we were doubling and tripling the what? Actually, we were cutting it by a third. Oh, OK. We were cutting.

[01:11:09]

I bet every time you do a country without borders, you can just measure that data. There's a steep drop.

[01:11:14]

Yeah. Yeah. We went to Mexico. No births since I went to Mexico. Oh no Korea. No births since I went to Korea. One birth. But this year you were born and then your your parents had three more kids though.

[01:11:28]

Yeah. But I was kept in a different room. I kept. Far away, I was kept up in the attic, isolated, you isolated me so that they could have more children and that was something the people realized right away, that my voice, even as a child, when it was a high riedy, when we went away. And so they realized if we're going to have a large family, which is our dream, we need to isolate this child.

[01:11:51]

So they they isolated me. But yeah, I'm a walking spermicidal, Joe. I am a dead boner. I suppose you would say I have called you a boner killer. Yes. You have in past podcasts, I think. Boner killer. Yeah. That would be your superpower. No one could hear the opposite of what you would put on this show is the opposite of what you would put on this podcast to set the mood. Yeah, right.

[01:12:18]

Yeah. Because, you know, people classically say, oh, you got to put on this music. This is what you got to have. You got to light these candles. Very white. Yeah. Candle. Yeah. And you want to get the mood just right. And I think we're the Barry Manilow podcast. No, I don't think that's fair to Barry Manilow or Barry Manilow. I think that's fair to him. I mean, Lola, she was a dancer.

[01:12:43]

That's she was a showgirl. She was a showgirl. Yeah. Oh, is that what she did? Yeah. Well, she was a showgirl and she was right. No, well, she was a showgirl. That's a show. And then she did some really stuff in anyway, don't sing because for had to pay they're OK.

[01:13:02]

But us singing Barry Manilow was a boner killer. Yeah. Listen, I reject this whole I'm saying very clearly that my riedy need voice would drain any penis of its life giving blood. So even if you were like reading an exotic novel, like I mean, not exotic erotic novel. Yeah, I've tried that. Oh. When I read Fifty Shades of Grey. Yeah. Loud and talk about, you know, the various plugs that were put in the but like that mine.

[01:13:33]

Yeah. It just becomes the least erotic experience anybody's ever. Well you just said it now you just start by saying that right. I can. Yeah I can. Oh my God. I would like to have a child, you know, be great, you know, be great. It would be great if I read some erotic fiction and we tested this out. It'd be great if I just read a page of, like, the most erotic page of of Fifty Shades of Grey.

[01:14:02]

And you would see you would see how no one out there gets aroused. Absolutely. No, I mean, I could pull it up. Tune in next episode. Let's do a two parter. I mean, I try to pull it up. I try to pull it up. It's on your fucking screensaver. OK, you know, I have watched all three of the movies. She loves the movies. I don't understand the thing about Fifty Shades of Grey, which is they get married.

[01:14:24]

I'm sorry. No. And then it's still like this. Forbidden. He's now it's time for you to put on the leather chaps and descend into the pit. And I'm going to take this rubber pickle and I'm going to like, no, married people don't do that. Many people like, what the fuck are you talking about? We've got to go. We got to get going because we said we were going to you know, we've got to get over to this Schlessinger's we got to get going.

[01:14:51]

We're supposed to be there in half an hour. Stop dragging your ass first. You're going to take off. I'm going to tie you up and you're going to fucking tie me up. We've got to go. And then we've got to get the PTA thing. We've got to be there. We said we'd be there. Yeah. You're going to hear more about this next episode when I will read some classic erotic fiction and classic. You will see how my voice completely drains all sexual tension, even the most erotic prose.

[01:15:23]

Oh, well oiled up. And stay tuned, everyone.

[01:15:27]

Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sunim Obsession. And Conan O'Brien has himself produced by me, Matt Cawley, executive produced by Adam Sex, Joanna Solotaroff and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Wolf. Theme song by The White Stripes, Incidental Music by Jimmy Luisito. Our supervising producer is Aaron Belayer and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. The show is engineered by Will Beckton. You can rate and review the show on Apple podcast and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[01:15:58]

Got a question for Conan. Call the Team Coco hotline at three, two, three, four, five, one, two, eight, two, one, and leave a message and you could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien needs a friend on Apple podcasts, stitcher or wherever find podcasts are downloaded. This has been a team cocoa production in association with DeWolfe.