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An Apple original series. Here we go. Ewan McGregor invites you. I'm doing a trip through South America. An electric motorcycle to experience the adventure.

We are heading up the risk of taking away. What a great thing to see the world. And we watch it exclusively on Apple TV.

Plus, hi, my name is Sean Hayes and I feel indifferent about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

OK, that is a body blow. Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien, needs a friend, my podcast, and I should say our podcast. It really is a group effort with one person doing most of the work. OK, thank you. I don't know. I'm just sleep. Does you know, is I having a blast again? And I have to say the podcast has been a special treat. There's something about keeping our little group alive.

It's like we're in a little lifeboat together. We are floating through a sea of what I want to say covid. But God, no, no, no, not at that. But just we're floating along in isolation, but we're together. We're also connectable. Seona, you're here in the studio with me. I am. Yeah. It's nice to see you. Thank you. What we both get tested every week. We're at theater together when we taped the show.

So we're being very responsible. And of course, Matt Gallie, not with us, probably more of a germophobia. Why don't you want to be here with us once you want to be with us? You are you are in your home right now, is that right, Gawley? Yeah, it's not a germ thing.

Oh, oh, I get it. I get it. He doesn't want to put on pants. Yeah. He does want to put up his. Yeah. You're not. What are you wearing today. You're wearing pajama bottoms.

Well I'm dressed from the top up and then you have pajama bottoms. Wow. Look at that. I see. Those are great. Nineteen fifties pajama bottoms.

I know Amanda calls him my dirty johns because they look like hospital. No you really do look like Eisenhower recovering from his second heart attack. That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. Yeah. He'll be the last nice thing I ever say. But I know it's you're at home and I could tell I don't think it's happening right now. But a second ago, just as we came on the air, if anyone heard a strange sound in the background, it was sounded like a leaf blower right outside your house.

It's almost yeah, it seems to happen any time we record. It's like a Murphy's Law. That leaf blower comes.

Yeah, I despise leaf blowers. What will they make? They just seem like it's this giant machine that's job. It seems like it uses a lot of gasoline and makes a ton of noise and it just shoots leaves all over the place. I don't know. I feel like there's a better way. I wish I had a leaf blower.

I've got an electric leaf blower and you can you can't hear it as much. Who makes an electric leaf blower? Walt Oh, Walt, they make great tools. Yeah, this is a fascinating conversation. Well, I'm just saying, if you're the people at Diwali, Walter, like, I can't believe we're not even paying for this. No, an electric leaf blower seems like the way to go. Yeah.

And if you're listening to all I want one of those little cordless hand routers. What is that? It's just, you know, you can make edges on woods and stuff like that on woods.

No, I don't I don't want this. I do not want this podcast to be a place of commerce or business. We do this out of love. We don't do this to raise money. You love talking about State Farm all the time. The State Farm has so many. They have so many more reps than you think they do. They really do through a stick in any direction. You'll hit seven State Farm rips. The coverage is unbelievable. And you know what?

No idea if I'm getting paid or not. No idea. But you say to Walt makes a nice oh, there's a leaf blower.

Every tool I have is to Walt. My garage looks like a black and yellow bumble bee hive of power tools. It's heavens, yeah. No, you are real. You're a guy that likes to get out there and use power tools because I cannot say I am I am not someone who was sorry. You know. That's a good one Seona. OK, I feel like Matt can build anything. You are a talented builder. I've seen some of the things that you've built.

You've built some lanterns, you've built some things around the house. You do have talents that don't come forth on the podcast because we can't see them, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. So people that listen to the podcast are like, what's with him? And I'm like, no, no, no, no. He makes really good birdhouses for me on the podcast. You're a good builder. You're a real good builder, man.

No, I've never built a birdhouse, but I was going to build one for my wife and I don't even want to tell you what it was going to be like. Dallas It was going to be that Van Damme house from north by Northwest. You know, that famous cantilevered ass. Yeah. Is that a real house? No, it was just made for the movie. It's a model.

You were going to do a recreation of the house that Cary Grant has to break into. Yeah. In order to try and save help me, even Lori, even Marie Saint as crazy a bird house in that shape. So the bird but like it's cantilevered.

So it would have the little ledge that the bird could sit on and pick it. The seed, the things I've have accomplished during this quarantine are I built by nineteen seventeen Sopwith Camel from an old kit and I built a Lego Land Rover. Oh. And I talk to my children. So, so that's an accomplishment during covid in that word. OK, yeah, I didn't do anything to my son. Oh, my God, I was talking to my daughter and she won.

What about my brother? And I'm like, Oh, OK, I should meet him. So you meet him at him? Yeah, I'm in show business. I'm one of those cold fathers that puts it turns it on for the camera, huh? And then once the camera's off, I'm just this cold creep. Yeah, we know.

Oh. Got quiet. Oh I watched a lot of shows. I have to. What are you watching these days Kobrick. Oh I'd love to. Yeah. You know what else I started watching was selling Sunset. Oh God. I started watching selling sunset and. Oh my God. Of all the reality shows, that is the focus. Yeah. It's I can't believe how fake that is. It's about them selling real estate. Yes. And the two guys that run the company, the Oppenheimer twins, will come into a room and they come into a room and say, well, ladies, I know we all get along and you're you're all thick as thieves and the best of friends.

And we're introducing a new girl into the equation. And you'll cut to one woman, Christine, or whatever, and she'll be like and you'll say, I hope you all get along. I hate there for there to be any friction. They leave the room and they're all like, Christine, you better be nice for me. I'm a bitch. That's that's what I am. So let's see this new girl. Then Cashell walks in a shell. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Kushel Her name was made of two other girls names that crashed into each other and they're like, Oh, hi, Kristo. And she's like, Hi everybody. I come from very modest means, but I hope to do a good job. Cut to the mean one. Look at those shoes. Who do you think she is and you're off to the races. There's not a real human moment in the whole thing, but you get all of it.

Oh, I'm watching it. And my wife is saying, oh, my God, I can't believe Christine got mad at Costco. And I mean, what are you talking about? Yeah. So our marriage is over. Oh, you're kidding me. No, I mean, I think she's going to be very easily duped. I can't be with her. Oh, so it's over with Lysa now. I'm dating Kushel. Oh, my God. We're keeping it on the down low.

We're not selling a lot of people. You know, Lisa gets me in the divorce. So you always say that. Yeah. So I'm just my favorite line of yours is you said once Liz is the only part of you I like. Yep, yep, yep. I've been watching some garbage too.

Oh. And I love it. Skinwalkers White Skin works the same old like reality competition show but of body painting.

Oh you see a lot of nude bodies, pasty covered bodies like what's wrong with create what's with a pasty nude body. I mean they're pasties on the nipples, but. Yes. So I thought you were I thought you were shaming people that have nude bodies. And I was going to I was going to take you to court. The first question you ask, are they is there any nudity? Do I get to see boobies? Will there be movie side boob leading to.

I asked that when I go to any museum, the first thing I do when I check in is they say, you know, you have to pay for your ticket. And I go, well, I see any nude bodies. And they'll be like, well, I mean, I suppose there's a couple of paintings where there's some nudity. Well, I see boobies. I guess there's a Rafaelle there's a there's a Michelangelo that has some look, there's a creep alert.

They threw me out of the Vatican because I was looking up at the Sistine Chapel, setting various communities and I was sort of clawing at the air, like if I could only reach it literally a good eighty five feet still away to touch the news. This is why I don't come into the studio. I stay. Yes, nicely done. Very smart. You know, you'll never we'll be ten years past covid. So yeah. Just just don't and don't think it's safe.

Yes. Safe. OK, well we cannot waste any more time because we have nothing. We've wasted time. I think any exchanges with either of you are true gold. But we've got to talk to our guests. My guest today, a very talented actor and producer who starred as Jack McFarland for 11 seasons on the hit NBC series Will and Grace. He also co-hosts a new podcast along with Jason Bateman and sadly, Will Arnett. Someone had to take him no seriously.

It is a very, very funny show. I did it and it was a blast. And it's called Smart Lists. And new episodes drop every Monday. And it really is a good time. I'm very excited. He's with us today. One quick note. At one point during our interview, this gentleman had to switch computers. He was having difficulty with one. He switched to another one. So there's going to be some audio change there. Come on, man.

It's quarantine. We're all getting by the best we can. And so I don't want to hear any complaints from you sonic snobs anyway.

Sean Hayes, welcome. How dare you, how dare you, sir? I've already wasted a half an hour on technical problems. Yes, well, you know, we I was told to be here right on time. And I was and then I watched you fail to work your audio for a half hour. And I've never been this the angriest I've been in my entire career. Yeah, I know. I can sense it. And I actually fail to watch you work on your car for a while.

I know, but I feel I feel excited about being Conan O'Brien. Oh, ok. OK, OK.

So we're going to get rolling. Right. And you know, I have a heart out in ten. Right. What are you drinking there. You've got some kind of liquid. What does that give you. I'll give you one guess I can't figure it out. Is it says Giant. I've never seen larger fun for any product. It says water all over the side like a Bugs Bunny cartoon. I bet you you are.

Oh, I thought this is a game where you do every other word. Oh, God.

What? You are the best. No, that was too many already lost. Oh, God. OK, you want to do it again? Yeah, let's try it.

You are the best person I've ever know named.

No, it's supposed to be Conan at the end. Sorry, it's a horrible game. Anyone listening right now is thinking I could get into comedy.

You know, I want to start by complimenting you, which is you really want to use the whole time on that, to spend the whole time complimenting. You know, you're one of the quickest. You're one of the quickest, the funniest people I know. No, no. Let me get this out, because there's more and it gets bad really fast. You're cruel. You're arbitrary. See, there was a lot of bad stuff coming that I wanted to get in.

I just want to get this in, which is that I do know you you know, we have been friendly and we have gone out and dined together. Broken bread lines came along. Scotty came along and we had a really good time. And what I remember afterwards is driving home and realizing that you and I were doing thirty five bits a second and and I was thinking, hey, no, God loved us. Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh my God.

They were like, please keep saying that only louder, but that you're one of those people who I, I can't stop. I don't think you can stop. And I really do believe that if someone had come in and given me tragic news, I'd have been like, OK, anyway, it's not like you're right back to weight.

Do you ever do that? You ever get like do you ever get bad news and just start laughing because it makes you so uncomfortable if it's about someone else's life?

Yeah. If it's happened to someone else, I just can't stop laughing. My mom had cancer when she was too. Wait, that's not funny at all. That's not funny. When she was two years old, she had cancer. She had her eye removed. OK, and that's very, very sad. But my mom was so effing funny. So she had a fake eye her whole life like Sandy Duncan. Right. And we used to do the craziest shit with her extra I in front of her.

And we always used to make fun of her to her face and she would laugh hysterically. And that's what I mean. It's like taking somebody's pain and making it funny because they wanted that. Like my mom lived for us making fun of her. Right. So she let me get this straight. She had an extra I didn't have three eyes. She had two eyes. Right. Period. That's the end of the sentence. Right. She had.

And we said we would pick up the extra five extra in a box and her jewelry box upstairs in her bedroom.

And on Halloween or any night, really, we would have friends come over and knock on the door and there was a chain on our door and we'd have the I and the fake eye, the glass eye on our hand, and we open the door just enough for the chain to open it and stick our hand through the chain and go, who's there?

Oh, go. I move around. Yeah. And your mom was without that. She loved it. She loved that. And sometimes we'd let it roll on the floor with and the dog would play with it just.

No, but then she had to put that in her eye socket. That's not sanitary. Yeah. That's terrible poetry. Yeah. But no, she would clean it before she put it in her eye socket.

Did you I mean, that's one of those things that exposure to that early on, you you make a decision, you either decide I'm going to block this memory out and really uncover it later on or I'm going to be funny about it. Those are two choices.

I mean, we got a new puppy and I give him choices like that every day.

That's why I expose them to as many things. That's not good. You want the dog to be funny? I always say people get obsessed with what my dog shit in the house or the dog respect not getting up on the sofa. And I think that can wait that stuff right.

Or masturbation, like you're going to end up masturbating in front of a pet of some kind. Yeah. They get used to it early on. No, I do that before I picked the pet, I'm the one they're all in their cages. I walk around doing it and whichever one is sort of seems like OK with it, I'm like, I'll take that one, you know? What about the people that worked there? Oh, please. They know the deal.

They know the deal. And when they got into the business. That's how you met Lisa. You just did it in front of a bunch of people. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. I was like I went to a lot of pet stores and then there was one where this lovely lady said, look, you know, I can live with that. And I said, will you marry me? And then she said, well, put that away and let's get to talk and we'll talk.

But I won't have that part. You are so fast. And I was thinking that in that dinner, even as we were walking to the cars in the parking lot, it's still going. I just thought afterwards I was laughing on the way home. And then my my wife was just like, yep. Well, you two found each other. You also Scotty and Lisa found each other a support group for people that don't can't deal with their spouses.

That can't stop.

Johnny was doing a really funny thing at that dinner, which is you and I were sitting on one side of the table and Scotty and I were sitting on the other side of the table. And he has I hope this is OK to reveal he had diabetes. Is that what you're going to say? Yeah, he has diabetes. And so I didn't know this, but I just went to pat him on the shoulder like their their old friend. And he has the thing on his back, I guess, that regulates we call it the pot of life.

Yes. Yes. It regulates insulin. And it's this little thing that you'd never notice. It's under his shirt. But I paid him on the back and I felt this plastic thing on his back. And I instinctively started going, oh, my God. Like, Oh, I'm sorry. And he immediately collapsed dead on this on.

And then later on in the same evening, I forgot. And I'm like, oh yeah, that's right. I put my hand on it and he again, without it, instantly collapse. And you literally just described our sex life. So when you're ready for it to be over, you just, you know, you get the nail on it and we go, wait, why do you fall asleep? I understand that I feel bad. OK, all right.

When you're filled with shame, you feel bad. We do have a lot in common. I really believe that we're both incredibly talented. Koenen stop. No, we're not allowed to do that. No, no. We have more things with your name on them. I know, I know. It's I put the Koenen logo on my son's forehead. It's it's like the Mike Tyson tattoo. You all. You branded him. I branded him. Yeah.

I said look, you're out in the world that's advertising and he gets beaten regularly by the other kids and you put your shoes on the bottom of his feet. Shake it here. I'm coming in the middle of the night. Yeah, son, you're going to wear these horse shoes so that when you do try to kill me in the middle of the night for Brandon Koenen on your forehead, I'll hear you come in here coming. Just this normal family stuff.

You you come from a big family, as do I think. We've got five kids in your family. There were six in mine. There was six in ours. But we gave them to yours. I know now we're in eleven. There's eleven kids in our family now. All right. I'm very fascinating. Something I did not. I got interested in music later on. But you were so talented at music, you almost like a prodigy. You were really talented at the piano very early and took to it right away.

First of all, I think there's a very strong connection between music and comedy, I think. Yeah, for sure. It's obvious about the rhythm and the rhythm and the beats and the timing, all that.

Yeah. Yeah. And but I also think I knew it was comedy. It was nothing. But you had this really voluble, cool other choice, which is concert hall. OK, I don't think that's exclusive of anything else. I mean, I've managed to be in the business and abuse alcohol. Sure. But you I think that's a little bit of a different story where you could have I mean, like Steve Martin, Steve Martin could have made a career playing the banjo if anybody could.

He's really talented, but he's amazing.

I started playing piano when I was five and all through high school and college, and I auditioned for the Chicago Symphony when I was like seventeen and and but the pressure and the stress of having to hit every single note correctly all the time is a lot.

Right. Even though I went through all these competitions and all of this stuff and it was my major in college. But that stress where like the notes are the notes, right. So Beethoven and Schubert and Schumann and Scarlatti and whoever, if you if you missed the note, it rings so loudly and everybody everybody notices. But if you are in comedy, in your standup or your acting or whatever and you screw up, you can do it again or be kind of cover your ass by making a joke about the joke that didn't work.

Yes. Yes. Like you, you can fix it in the moment, but you can't fix notes that I have been on the page for literally centuries. So I was OK with being done with that kind of pressure. But and also like in college when it was my major, the. People are just more fun and not that musicians aren't fun. Most of them are a blast. But in college I always felt like the best joke. The music people were making were like, don't be sharp, don't be flat, just be natural.

And I was like, OK, I'll see you over at the theater department. Yeah, yeah, I want to go that what horrible, horrible people would make that joke. I don't care what their musical abilities. If you make that joke, you're dead to me. Right.

I was one of those people I had on my refrigerator a pad that said Chopin list.

So, you know, it's just the puns are. Yeah, yeah. So. Well, now I don't want to talk to you, and it's it's way too early in the interview to sign off. So now I just have to vamp if you did I would just say Dad does x you. I was always drawn to comedy because these other pursuits are kind of monastic. Like if you want to be a great pianist, you have to go in a room and shut the door grind and grind and grind and grind.

And there's something about comedy. I love being around funny people and trying to play with them and bounce off of what they're saying. If everybody's laughing really hard and you have these moments that seem kind of magical, whether it's in a writer's room or in front of an audience, it feels like you're you're not alone.

Have you ever worked with somebody that doesn't understand that concept? Because that's tough. It's tough when you are a funny person that just wants to be silly and make people laugh and you want to be around other people that do the same thing. But certain people maybe that are in your life or that have been in your life don't really see it as that. And they see it as competition. Right. And that's when it gets like, oh, sad.

And then all the joy. When does that happen to you? Well, you know, it's happened in my life at some point.

You mean with other comedy people?

Well, people that claim they're in comedy but then don't enjoy being, you know, being around other funny people.

I used to find it a little problematic. It's not live as much as that. Being on that show changed my life. And there was so much competition there and people jockeying for a limited amount of airtime. It's built that way.

Yes. Like to me, it was always like a fun thing, like, oh, I want you to make me laugh and I want to make you laugh. And and that's it. It starts and stops there. But people who take it beyond that are like, I'm going to be the funniest person. Well, now all the joy's is gone.

Yes, there are people that look at comedy and they as a competitive sport and they actually use a lot of sports analogies. I know I killed I hit a home run. I sank a three pointer or whatever. They just and and I always think I never I sort of got into comedy to get away from that if they don't like it. Right. I don't like the whole we're both going to take our comedy dates and see I didn't like it and I didn't like it for good reason.

Oh no.

Although that said, I feel like this show is a touchdown. Yeah. Yeah. This show, the one we're doing right now. Yeah. Yeah.

It's a it's kind of like a sports analogy, but it's failed to be completely cut that out. No, no, no, no. We're going to feature that. We're going to feature that because now I'm putting up who wins. That was just we just lost a point and I've run up a point. No, but I definitely think that people that get into it that way that always start out like I've heard it. And then when I was at The Simpsons, everybody's everybody's just trying to think of whoever can think of the funny end of the scene.

We all get to go home, you know what I mean? Right. Right, right.

Like even on Will and Grace, some of the camera guys would be like, hey, what if what if you did this? But I'm like, that's hilarious. Yeah, I'm totally doing that.

That's well, that's in violation of the Writers Guild. Sure. And I I'm actually on the Writers Guild side on this one and OK, so I'll be getting the names of those camera people and I'll be seeing to it that they don't work again. Yes, sir. I'm sorry. Harm and foul. You know, and since I said I hate it when people use sports analogies, that's all we've done. You know what I mean? I know, right?

You took my analogy and you've run the four minute mile with it. Can't wait. Go back to your dick size for a second. So you're laughing. Why are you laughing? Well, it was one of those embarrassed laughs like, you know, the implication being that I was in a contest. I wouldn't. Well, oh, we know that's a joke. I joke about it because it's not a problem, problem, problem, problem. See, now, I would have echoed probably longer than mine would have to, but the cave collapsed because the cave felt bad.

The cave felt so bad for my penis. I understand. So you decide. I mean, that's the thing, too, is that this whole time that you're this fantastic pianist, you must have known. You had superpowers in comedy that you could really make people laugh. Well, did you not? Was it something that was like I think I think, you know, as a kid, we grew I grew up in chaos. Right. And I love my brothers very much.

And I love my sister very much. We had an alcoholic father and who was absent all the time and then finally left when I was like five or six years old. And so my mom raised five kids by herself and there was so much pain. And I mean, that's like another podcast conversation. But I think that's why everybody my family is funny. Everybody has a quick, dark wit. And I think that was our coping mechanism. You know, news flash, it's the biggest cliche in the world, you know, and I'm no different.

And so we grew up just with the most ridiculous things, like making videos that were like horror films in our house. We used to play a game when my mom would go bowling. Every Thursday night was the night that we had free in the house. And we kind of grew up parenting ourselves. But even though she was the best parent in the world, we would have knife fights. We would have we would turn off all the lights in the house and invite friends over and we'd throw steak knives at each other.

How is this how is this a game? How do you play that for 30 seconds and not kill somebody? I think the game is if you're if you're alive at the end, you win. But people get really hurt. It was a soft throw. Right. So and then it's fine and it's fine. We do that. We used to couple that with called Tiger in the grass so we'd throw knives and play Tiger in the grass, which was you'd have to be on all fours and there'd be like 20 kids at our house playing this dark, complete dark, crawling around.

And if you tagged, if you touch somebody, they were out. Right. Or something like that.

Well, there's no fun because there's no knife involved in that one. There's no. And that one, you just put battery acid all over the floor and then people had to stay crouched even though the hands on the flesh in their hands was burning. Yeah, right. And the winner and the winner would get skin grafts. Yeah, exactly. But yeah. But anyway, so but this is what I can relate to is the craziness of my parents were really busy and there was a lot of craziness.

And this was like a typical thing that happened. My brother Luke and I slept in one room and my brother Neil, who was the oldest, came crashing into our door on a Saturday morning and just started hurling pillows at us and laughing and was really getting on our nerves. He was much bigger than us. And then we jumped out of our beds to chase him. He started to run down the stairs in the front hall. And as he rounded the corner, we both my brother Luke and I shoved him.

He went off the stairs and fell into the front hall where he remained motionless. All my so my brother Luke and I walk down and we're like the Menendez brothers. We just walked down to get to the bottom of the stairs. Nothing to see here. Yeah, I think to see the bottom of the stairs, we step over Neil, who's moaning, going, oh, we step over him and we go in and start watching Saturday morning cartoons.

He's lying there and we watch and timelapse. We watch all of the Warner Brothers cartoons. Then we watch all of Fat Albert and the Cosby kids. Then we're watching Bugalugs. We're watching all the shows that came on on Saturday mornings. Neil isn't moving. And finally, we noticed parents showing up. We noticed murmuring. We noticed that Neil's being taken out like carried out Neil's. He has a shotgun and then he yells at the hospital. We're still watching TV.

And then Neil comes back from the hospital with a giant cast on his wrist because he shattered his wrist and our parents to come in and go, what? You just say we were like, oh, yeah, I threw a pillow at us right over what could have been his dead body and didn't give a shit. And it's weird. When they removed him, they already put the chalk around. Yeah, we just I don't know. I was just like, what?

And I look back on that and I think what sociopaths we were. Yeah.

Look, I'm sorry, this could be a whole episode of just these fucking story, but my my brother Kevin, who I love very, very much, he made darts out of needles and paper.

Right. And I was trying to escape him and he threw them at me as I was running. And they all stuck in my back.

And I said, I say that's how acupuncture was invented. You know, what I love is that any time we tell these stories, you're very good at this. You always go. Now, my brother Kevin, I love him. But whenever someone says that about a sibling or says that about a family member like my brother Luke, I love him to death. But I was walking along one day and he took a rotary saw and he cut both of my legs off at, you know, like just so it always leads to something absolutely horrible.

I'm not even making this up. I remember being two or three years old and my grandma, who is the best grandma ever, fell down the stairs. And I remember. Standing at the top of the stairs, just looking at her like I didn't know what to do. She was at the bottom of the stairs. That was awful. But that's not a funny story. But I know now.

Well, first thing, you go through her purse. Second of all, I change all the signatures to her. Well, yes, there's three things you do immediately. It's just do the first change the signatures on the will and then, you know, and then you're halfway there and then get the car and then maybe maybe throw down some stuff. I know, but oh, my brother Mike, this is so great.

Who I love to to get back at my dad one time my dad would come home drunk and want to make like eggs and I don't know why eggs all the time but and my brother took the spoon or the fork and when he wasn't look, my dad wasn't looking like in the bathroom. I was executed, put the handle over the burner for like two minutes and then carefully placed it back on his little thing.

So when he grabbed it, he was like I was like, this family freaked out.

A lot of people say they're the original light beer or they try to claim that they were in on the light beer game early, but you know who really was Miller Lite? Yeah, I'm pretty.

What? I don't know what's true.

Well, you are making it seem like everyone else sucks but Miller Lite rule. Well, that's exactly what I'm saying. Miller Lights always been there to bring people together through Miller time. OK, now, let's face it, right now, during the current situation, I think we all know we're talking about some people are stuck in a house with their roommates and partners while others are back home with their family. Some people keep their interaction strictly digital. Others have embraced hangouts outdoors at a safe distance.

Look, that's up to you, man. As long as you've consulted with Foushee and you know what you're doing and you feel like you're being safe and well, you can still have consulted with Foushee. He's available at all hours.

I have his number. Oh, just call him. We're finding new ways to enjoy each other. That's what I'm saying. And Miller, time can still exist. All right. It's just going to look a little different. But cracking a miller can still happen in quarantine. Crack it. Yeah. You crack it, right? I don't you crack open a beer, a miller. Yeah, you crack open a Miller Lite.

Oh, I don't see what you add to anything. I honestly don't. Seriously, you decide how you find your Miller time, and I don't need you. Give me a hard time about it. Sorry. You know Miller Lite. Yeah. Great taste with, I'm guessing, only 96 calories and three point two carbs.

That's a good guess, however. Oh, however, you and your friends are enjoying your time this summer. Oh, no. You can have the original light beer delivered. Did you know that by going to Miller Lite dotcom forward, slash Conan and find the delivery options near you? Oh, my God, I did not know that. That is so cool. You can have it brought to you and you get to use my name. Celebrate responsibly.

Miller Brewing Company in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Ninety six calories, three point two carbs per 12 ounces. Hello there, I'm Rory Scovel, I'm a comedian, I'm an actor, but most importantly, I'm a dad.

And I'll tell you what, as a father, it is my sworn duty to tell you about my new show with Team Coco called Dads, the podcast.

On each episode, me and my co-host, Ruthie Wyatt, are joined by a hilarious guest to talk about the mysteries of fatherhood and parenting, people like David Cross, Conan O'Brien, Sabrina Gelis and Roy Wood Jr.. Even if you're not a dad or a parent, I think you're really going to like this show. So please check us out. Find Dads the podcast wherever you get your podcasts.

Don't miss it. There's no way that growing up in chaos and having your dad leave when you're five, it doesn't create all the all the mechanisms that you need, like the world is chaos. So I'm going to embrace the absurd. I'm going to completely embrace the absurd.

I remember my my sister, I was maybe four and she's like, I want to go over to my friend Becky's house. And I my mom was like, OK, bring your brother because I got to go to the store, OK? So she brought me and put me in a dress and made me sit on the curb waiting for her outside as cars were driving by.

Four years old and a dress. Not really understanding of this situation at all. And why did she have to put me in a dress to go out? So how do you make this transition? You're you're playing the piano. How do you find a woman to a man who you were a girl and you were sitting on the stoop waiting for your mom and then you became this very funny actor?

Well, I so like I said, I studied piano for like maybe 15 years or something. And then, you know, I'm always a fan of Saturday Night Live. And my dad would come in and out of our he left, I think, officially when I was like five or six and but would come in and out for I don't know what it's kind of all foggy to me. But one day he would be at the house the next day, but never used in the house.

I didn't want to see him or talk to him or do anything. So I would I would go to my bedroom and lock myself in there and watch either reruns Tonight Live or Saturday Night Live on Saturdays. And I would just dream of being on that show and and wanted to hang out. And then I would do what everybody every kid did was go back to school on Monday and imitate, imitate Billy Crystal. Imitating Lorenzo Right. Imitate Marty short imitating anybody you know.

Well, I'm just just popped in my head. That might be interesting to your listener. Is that you.

I'm that I'm going to add an S I'm going to make good I'm going to make that. If it cost me ten thousand dollars, I'm going to add an ass to that listener.

OK, so is that Conan O'Brien? Actually, when I finally got my dream come true to host Saturday Night Live helped me write my monologue.

I remember this. And the funny thing is I was not a writer at CERN alive when I did it. It was when I was it was years and doing the late night show. Right. And hopped over there to say hello because I was such a big fan.

I was. And I lost you around two thousand six. I think I lost you. Yeah, I did one bit. You didn't like it. You were at your ass. I walked over there, you were so kind.

And I said, I'm having trouble with the angle of a band. You were like it was this piano bit where I came out to play the piano and I think it was you and or together. Make sure who's also brilliant came up with the Beethoven thing where I got that it and then in between I would do some crazy thing like shave.

And you said, why don't you solve a Rubik's Cube? And so I went that ended up and I solved a Rubik's Cube that I did that and I don't anticipate doing it was really, really funny. And you never it was never paid. No. Again. You went around the Writers Guild to America. I cannot take responsibility for your business manager practices. So, you know. Well, two things I want to say, first of all. So how crazy is that, that you grow up watching it live and that is your escape and then you get to walk through the doors?

It's impossible not to think life is magical. Absolutely. Wait a minute. I prayed to this false idol, to television, and then somehow I went into it.

Yeah, I mean, it's really, really fucking weird. Like also, I was also obsessed with TV. I grew up in the seventies and eighties, so TV was everything. Right. And I was obsessed. I have a bunch of these stories and I don't know why they happened to me, but these coincidences. So when I was very young, six, seven, eight, we had extended family moved from Chicago to San Diego. And so we would visit them a couple of times in my life, two or three times.

And one of the times we drove up from San Diego to see a taping of a show called Laffan, which I'm told was taped, filmed on stage 17 at CBS Radford, which is where we filmed Will Grace.

Oh, wow. So I think that shit is bizarre and so, so sad. I love that story. And I have like a few other stories like that where it's it's it's it's it's bizarre. I really do believe in manifesting things. And, you know, that sounds corny, but no, I don't I don't I don't think that's corny. I do think there's some power to because I had the same experience. We've both had the opportunity to meet so many talented people.

But there's this magic to any time I brushed up against something that I saw from my childhood when I was contact me to hashtag me too. Yeah.

Like when I'm when I'm when I was sitting on. The iron grate in our little sort of playroom area where the TV was and I saw something that really impressed me or wowed me on the little television, and then all these years later, I encounter that person. Yes. And it's always hard for me to shake that first association. And we just recently sadly lost Regis Philbin. Regis Philbin passed away. And I had this I had this memory, such a lovely guy.

And I had this memory of the first time I met him was like nineteen ninety three. And I had been named as the replacement for David Letterman, but I hadn't gone on yet. And we were scrambling that summer to put the show together. And I'm walking along and I bump into Regis Philbin and he was he was on his way I think back from doing a show on the Upper West Side. And I forget he had a garment bag slung over one shoulder and he was just Regis Philbin.

He was not one of those guys who became somebody else. He was Regis Philbin. But he bumped into me and he was like, So Conan, you know, you're feeling if you want Conan, he's coming. Conan, Conan, you're feeling good about taking over the late night show. You think you got to be ready? And I said, yeah, I you know, I'm scared and things can be tough, but we've got some funny ideas.

That's good. That's good. And then I said, by the way, and this is my favorite show and I was a kid, was get smart. And there was one episode where Get Smart is in a bakery. And this is, I guess when when Regis is career. You know, I think he was kind of known as the sidekick to Julie Bishop, but he hadn't he wasn't a star yet. So he played the baker in a bakery.

And so I just said, oh, I just said I really loved you. One get smart when you were the baker. And it was like this small scene from a part of his career. And I'll never forget, he was like the baker smart. That's what you know me from what I remember, he couldn't believe it. And he was wetstone. He was like, this guy. This guy is bringing up the baker man. I shot that in 1966.

I had no money, you know, just like he couldn't I can't tell it. Was that a good thing or a bad thing? Yeah. So I was a good. Well, he loved that. I know. I don't think he loved it. I think he was sort of just like, how the fuck do you remember that and why aren't we talking about the massive success since then? And, you know, I think it would be if someone walked up to you today and said, Hey, Sean, I really loved you as waiter number four.

I'm always shocked when somebody says anything other than. Well, it great. Yeah, well, three three stooges. Three Stooges. Yeah, that was that was I have to say, when I heard that project that you guys first of all, I didn't hear who was attached to it yet, but when I heard that they were going to recreate the Three Stooges, I said impossible can't be done. And I pity anyone involved in this project. And then I hear that you're involved.

I hear these other very talented people were involved. And then I see it and I'm howling the whole time. I thought you were brilliant and I thought you guys did the impossible.

Well, thanks about I want to talk about that because Billy West. Really? Yes, of course.

He's a genius. So he nobody does it better, Larry, from the Three Stooges than Billy West, the Farrelly brothers who directed the movie. They're like, we want you to go meet with Billy West and he's going to teach you how to talk like Larry. And I was like, OK, he's genius. So so I did not know that Billy West was the voice of both sometimes Ren and Step. That's right.

And so he goes Stimpy. He goes, if you ever need a quick fix to jog your memory on where to place it in your mouth. The the voice of Larry. Just listen to Stimpy. I'm just doing a Larry impression. Oh, wow. So I was like, oh, that's fascinating. So when I got the when he explained it to me and we worked on this, I'll do a little bit.

It goes, hey, quit horsing around. You tell you to step in my coffee break. That's fantastic. So I had it like this. Usually change the shape of your palette to do that. That's incredible. But but it was it was great. It was a great lesson. And it's really kind of fun to do it.

O'Doul, not remove that hope. Do not remove. OK, so it's the Three Stooges get maligned a lot, you know, just by people who say, oh, that's idiocy and emulate. And and also there's this, I think, false idea out there that only guys like the Three Stooges. And I know it's just so brilliant because they do the same thing the Marx Brothers do, which is they they don't waste time explaining how the Three Stooges got into that situation, you know what I mean?

They just. Right. They cut through all that shit. And I think more movies should do. This movie always has to spend 40 minutes explaining how the funny character got to be mistaken for a brain surgeon with the Three Stooges would do. And the Marx Brothers. And a lot of those classic movies is they would say, we need a brain surgeon, get me fine, Howard, Howard fine. And Howard and the Three Stooges would come in and be like, we got this.

Yeah. You know, it's cut his head off, you know, and they're killing us, slapping each other. Gentlemen, please. And you think, who the fuck ever did they ever become? No one cared about it. Or if a rich society lady is having a party and there's having a little trouble with the plumbing, call these guys who've never been plumbers before in their life. But they have. Yes, but I love that. I'll take care of it.

Let me go through. Yeah, no, that's more movies to do that. But anyway, so back to the idea though. I know what you mean. What you you just can't believe your life and you meet your heroes kind of. And that happened to me. You know, I used to imitate Steve Martin all the time doing King Tut with. I used to take my sweater that I was wearing and put it through my head, you know, like I was taking it off.

But I would just stop at removing it off my head and it would look like his kind of King Tut look, you know, like the whatever that is called. And I would do I would imitate the whole thing to to and his whole album called Let's Get Small. I don't know if you remember that. Oh, yeah.

So I was obsessed with Steve Martin and Marty Short.

And it just turns out those two are our best friends now, but both of them and they both become a part of my life now. And and I love them so much. And it happened for me when I was sitting with Steve at a lunch one time. And he said and Steve is very kind of it's hard to get in there know once you do. He's such a lovely human being. He because he feels like the rest of us. Well, we're all insecure.

But I said he loves to hear about jokes. So I told him this one joke that I wrote about Kristin Chenoweth. Now, if you don't know Kristin Chenoweth as she's this big Broadway star, did Broadway with her. She's pretty famous person, but she's also kind of also famous, not for her talent and her voice and her gorgeous looks, but her height. She's very, very small, very small. So I said she presented me to me this one award.

And I said I asked her if I was OK. I wrote this joke about it. She said, sure. So I told Steve this joke and it was I got up and accepted her. And I go, I'd like to thank Kristin Chenoweth for giving me this award. I know you're all thinking the same thing I was thinking when I first met Kristen.

The circus is in town and I how it goes. Can I have that joke for Santorum?

I'm like, oh, my God. Steve Martin just asked for a joke. I wrote, I'm like, of course you can have that joke. I would be honored. And if you ever saw Ratatouille at the very end, when the when the guy serves the food critic, the food and the camera goes inside his head and goes back to his childhood about when he first had that food.

Yes. Yes, he had that moment. I was like, oh, my God, I was a kid. Imitating Steve Martin. I dreamed of meeting him. I've dreamed of being like any and have half of an ounce of talent. He in here, I'm having lunch. And he just borrowed one of my jokes. And it was just incredible moment for me.

Well, you know, it's funny because you mentioned Marty Short and I actually I was thinking about that you guys are made of similar stuff, you know? Well, you know, I mean, I'm guessing you're your. How Irish are you? Ninety nine percent. Yeah.

Yeah. You guys both have just that incredible rapid fire quick. One hundred percent commitment. He's so good and so quick. It's crazy. Yeah. Yeah it's crazy. I asked him about the Jiminy Glick character, which is also like infamous now and just brilliant. He said he I go how is that a lot of that written. There was a lot of that off the top of your head. And he said to me, he goes, you know, I can't explain it.

He said, yes, of course, some of it is written, but most of it just comes to me, like I said. What about that joke when he was interviewing Jerry Seinfeld? Maybe. And they were. About the Kardashians and he goes, Kim Kardashian thinks soymilk means I am and I'm like, did you write that? He goes, So I just thought of that in the moment. I'm like, how does because I can't explain it.

It's this character that the universe just sends me down dialogue and jokes. And I just think it's amazing.

Yeah. Yeah. He had. Did you see his Broadway show? Absolutely. Of course I was in it, yeah. When he pulled me up as well. And a man. So it's not special that he pulled you out.

Yeah, I just I pretty much hit a home run, which I pretty much said put it right through the goalposts. Yeah. And I was carried off the field by fellow jocks because. Not by your brother. Well, he can his wrist doesn't work. He shattered it. You know what love is. You do a podcast with Jason Bateman and Will Arnett. And yes, I associate the two of those guys together. But I love that you're the third part.

Yes. Yes or no? The third part of it. The third part of the triangle. I just think because I think you provide this, it's just a fantastic addition. It's just like I hadn't thought of. And when I heard that the three of you were doing a podcast, I thought, oh, that'll be fun. It'd be really fun to hang out with those guys. Yeah.

And thank you for doing it. You're brilliant on it, by the way. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not I'm just saying this. I swear to God, you are one of the best we've done to date.

You are one of the best. Wow. Yeah. No, you're right about we've done we've done a ton but you know, it was so much fun. You're one of the best, so much fun to and there is something so delightfully fun about just going at Will Arnett. You know, I don't know what it is because you can't be hurt. You don't I mean, you can't hurt his feelings. I think he's I think you like you.

He's absolutely brilliant. He is another one who's so gifted with with a quick wit. And Jason's also incredibly got this gift of the English language. He speaks so efficiently and also so comedically, efficiently. And and the name of the show is called Smart List. That's OK. I'll plug myself. And I was going to mention it. I do mention it. Yeah. I never said I taped it, but I heard it was no longer while I am here, so I know.

So anyway, so we ended. The podcast is over right now. They don't make them anymore. Is that the idea. And they're not available. You can't get them. Well we saw we don't try to look for it because you just can't get it. It's completely unavailable. We we actually did it because we didn't think there were enough podcasts. But, you know, there there was a dearth. And then especially during coronavirus, when coronavirus has a blood test, it's going viral.

All right. All right. You know, I wish there was a way to just make that not. That's a point. Yeah. You know what? You're right. You're right. I'm out of humanity. So no, but Jason is so brilliant and will stop at a lot of times.

I kind of take a back seat, a happy backseat, watching them go at it. It is just as fun for me to watch and kind of pepper in something every now and then to watch those two go at it, because it makes me laugh so hard. And I'm almost like, take the position of the listener a lot of time. I'm sure I'll throw like a jab. And there are two to both of them. And it's always fun, but it is a blast to be a part of that with those guys.

And we've known each other for like twenty. It's a really good mix of energies. And one of the things I'll say about Jason, his energy, unlike you and me, and say Will Arnett, he has a slower rhythm and he's very dry and it's really fantastic. And that's why he's so good at it. And when when he's it is like music. He's like the bass note and the high notes. And that's as much as I know about music.

But I think it's what you really need to know. So I could that I be a concert pianist too. Scottish. Should we say should we say hello? Should I show Conan? Show Conan.

Conan. That's my tribute to Regis Conan.

Is he still sleeping? He's passed out. Right. So I'm saying. Well, we taught him OK.

Talking about Liza. She's my wife is there asleep on the floor. Yeah. Yeah. And I just don't feel like waking her. She looks so sound. By the way. She she also said, I have not had a good night's sleep in twenty five minutes.

Don't let it disturb wife.

You know, know that you're just God you just let let let disturbed wives sleep. Wait let me, let me grab him. Give me two. OK.

All right. I just hope this is. Worth it for a lot of pressure on this can be a podcast and you can see because he's on the phone right now so I can criticize him. What, you came back? I was just totally ripping you a new one as you were gone.

Nobody ever says ripping you an old one. Why is that?

Just the act of tearing creates a new opening. All right. I'm sorry. I'm going to show you a little bit. OK, so what's is.

Larry King were talking to Larry King, Larry King, Larry King asleep next to you in a crib.

Oh, my gosh. She's so tired.

All Look, I can't see what's happening. Oh, my God. OK, let me explain. America the most beautiful. Is that a golden retriever? It's a cat that I guess a cat that was playing with some kind of radioactive substance. It's either a horrifying radioactive cat or the cutest puppy. He's a golden doodle to do. He's gorgeous. What's his name? Ricky. Oh, Ricky. How old is Ricky? Ricky's 11 weeks old. Okay.

Remember, you just woke up. He's so. Yeah, I know.

His eyes are all out. Oh, that's a giant. That's a giant. I'm watching on Zoom right now. And what you're watching Sean's husband do. A giant. Yeah. Oh, beautiful dog. Well, you know what you have to do? You want again, everything comes free. No, you can't eat the dog, but you should create the same chaos for that dog that you had growing up so that the dog is funny and talented.

OK, yeah, he's not escaping this. Why should he get cat? Why should he get a free ride, a free pass. I have taken way too much of your time, but I love talking to you. I really do. You are.

I love you, Conan, so much. You are truly one of my favorite people in the world. One of the funniest people.

That's sweet. Why do they always cut that part out that never make sure that the producer always puts a foghorn over anybody saying anything nice and cold? And I just want to say, oh, please.

I used to do I used to do the good horn, the horn, the bike horn when I was a kid. That is a sad childhood. That's a lot of time alone in the room. I would call myself to dinner. Sean Hayes, God bless you. And and I really do look forward to hanging with you once this covid nonsense is over for sure. That's what nonsense is. What I as how I refer to anything that's killed hundreds of thousands of people.

But what's all this nonsense in World War One? That's what's all this World War to nonsense. Yeah. Yeah. You guys stay safe. I love your new dog and thank you for being so unbelievably funny. Of course. Thank you. I love you to love you too.

Hey, everybody, Conan O'Brien here to let you know about Team Koko's virtual comedy show hosted by my good friend, the very funny comedian Moses Storm. Moses Storeman friend streams every other Thursday on Team Koko's YouTube twitch and Facebook pages. Past guests have been Chris Read, Joakim Booster, Rachel Bloom, bestselling, Kal Penn Run, French's, Angela Johnston and so many more. It's really a fantastic comedy show, Jampacked, featuring some of my favorite people and I'd like you to check it out.

If you get a chance. Follow Team Coco live on Instagram for the latest show dates and guest lineups. Matt, you have that look in your eyes that you have something planned for us today. There are no surprises. I just thought we might do a nice review. The reviewers review the reviewers. That's right. This is when people review us. And then I give my comments on their thoughts. Is that correct? That's right. These are the Apple podcast reviews, and I'll read them.

And they might be ones that have interesting sentiments or whatever. And you can just respond.

What if my feelings are hurt? Again, this is always where I go and always right. Do you ever get your feelings hurt? I always felt, you know. Oh, you always. Yeah. See, now you're saying there are ones that hurt my feelings. Damn it, Matt, just all I want is for you to say there's never been a negative thought about you in the universe. There is. I never wanted to go out about you in the universe.

And then I want you to go out and destroy hundreds of thousands of opinion pieces out there in the world. OK, I can handle it. OK, let's do it. This is from Pecl Rich, 77 17. It's a five star review titled It's Just Like Old Times. And he says Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend is like a warm hug from your favorite uncle. Your parents tell you not to go around.

Oh, that was a good one. We are the pedophile of pushbacks. Well, that's fantastic. That's really good. But he did give you five stars. Right? But that might have been for my craftiness as a pedophile, but maybe it's the type of uncle they say don't go around because he's too cool.

He'll you know, he'll he'll get you into a world that's too creative and too cool and too fun. He'll buy you alcohol. That's that uncle. He'll make you know, he'll take you to your first like this is all going the same place. I don't know. All headed to the same place. Eventually he got me alcohol. He downloader. He told my sister my senses. Oh, sorry. But if it is I, I would rather be follow me on this.

I would rather be the really hilarious uncle he never got to know because I was killed in World War One. Oh come on Conan. Because I have a picture on the wall and I'm kind of perfect and he's hearing, oh my God, he could make people laugh. He was so great. What happened? Ghast in the trenches. Mustard gas. Blue foam was coming out of his mouth. You know what that blue foam was? Little Billy, his lungs, that liquefied.

But man, was he funny. I don't know. Maybe that's the story I would prefer. OK, that's what I'm aiming for in a year from now. I want this guy to write back and go, Conan, you're the the great, hilarious uncle everyone talks about from World War One. It was gassed in the trenches. Couldn't you have died saving someone? No, I died and he died being saved. Yeah, I was screaming for help and three guys came to drag me out and they were killed.

Two Konate. Yeah. And and I didn't make it easier. I thrash so much they could have gotten me into an ambulance but I was thrashing so much and saying I don't want to die, I don't want to die. Oh my God, I don't want to die, I don't want to die. They were exposed to gas too and they died. And that's why they don't want you to go around you as an uncle because you're the shame of the family.

Yeah, yeah. There's no metal on the wall or anything. There's just a there's a photograph of me on the wall that's pretty faded and it's from like nineteen eighteen and and I'm in this whole unit. If people are looking at me with hate, they know I'm going to get them killed because it's just a place on the wall where a frame used to be. And there's little yeah there's no there's no picture hanging there anymore. They threw the picture out a long time ago.

What picture used to hang there. Oh, that was your uncle who got a bunch of people killed. That was was he funny? He was funny. You went from being a war hero to just being this disgraced figure. I know. Yeah, that's the way it went. It all goes downhill. Every idea with me, it's like those little marbles that go on a track that work off gravity. Everything has to go to the very, very bottom.

The idea can start no matter how elevated it is. You're the kindly uncle, you know, and within 30 seconds, my brain will have taken that little idea down a crazy looping track. So it's in my anus. Oh, yeah. Oh, man.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sunim Obsession and Conan O'Brien as himself produced by me, Matt Cawley, executive produced by Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Your Wolf theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental Music by Jimmy Lozito. Our supervising producer is Aaron Belayer and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. The show is engineered by Will Beckton. You can rate and review this show on Apple podcast and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

Got a question for Conan. Call the Team Coco hotline at three, two, three, four, five. One, two, eight, two, one, and leave. The message, it, too, could be featured on a future episode, and if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien needs a friend on Apple podcasts, stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been 18 cocoa production in association with.