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Stop it. Stop it, you two.

Stop it. I'm going to stop this podcast.

I'm going to turn this... Oh, hi, Katie. You've come at a bad time.

Oh, boy.

No, no, Katie, we were just...

Let's get it together.

Come on. I was trying to hit... This is full disclosure. I was trying to hit Sona with a Kleenex box, and she was batting it away with her fist.

Like a cat. Do you know that we've had an episode start almost verbatim to this before?

Well, this is who we are. And also, I choose from the weapons that are near me. And it's either that or this generic ice tea bottle, and that would be more hurtful. So I go with... Listen, Katie, let's not make it about us and our squabbles. Let's make it about you and your fights with people using Kleenex boxes. Sounds great. Katie, where are you coming from?

I am in I'm from Longmeadow, Massachusetts. I'm West side of the state. We are not quite to the Berkshire's, but well past Worcester, around Springfield.

Okay. Well, all my people are from basically either Worcester or Sturbridge, Millbury, that area.

Just keep going West a little bit. You come across us.

Yeah, we never did grow West. Listen, I'm sorry that I was interested for a moment, and it didn't entertain you. Katie, I was just giving you an idea of where I come from. These towns sound fake.

They don't sound real.

Like Glendale. Altadina. Well, I'm sorry, Katie. Again, that's our feud. You and I could be related. I have a sister, Kate, and she has a similar color hair as you, so we could be related.

Yeah, could be. I've got some Irish, so it's possible. Yeah.

Well, it's good just to have some. Not too much.

I have too much. Not too much. Yeah, I agree. That'd be weird.

Katie, tell me a little bit about yourself. What do you do for a living?

Well, actually, if you don't mind, before I tell you about what I do for a living, I wanted to share something cool. Sona, we have the exact same birthday, same year, same date, every October 13th.

Okay, well, now I'm bored.

October 13th, 1982? 1982. I mean, okay, slight difference. I was born in a hospital. You came on some type of wicker basket. Okay, sorry. Katie.

I liked you, Katie. Then you lost me. Katie, to be honest, to be honest. We've looked, there were no records taken where Sona was born. That's because maybe you two were separated at birth. Very similar.

Hold on. Sona, I am so sorry I made that joke. I actually hate myself for making that joke. Don't. Because- Don't. Konan, you're a real dick when you make a joke like that. That's a real bad joke. Thank you. I couldn't help myself. I couldn't help myself.

I love when fans call in and tell me I'm a real dick. That's always the highlight. I do, too. Me, too. No, listen. I like this. Sorry about that. No, that's awesome. Tell me a little bit about yourself. That's cool, though, that you have the exact same You're a doppelganger for Sona. That's cool. Yeah.

I am married. I've got two awesome kids. Probably the most interesting thing I have going for me is I'm a social worker in a kidney transplant program. So I work with people who need kidney transplants, and then I work with people who want to be living donors, so people who want to donate an organ to somebody. So a cool, amazing world I get to work in every day.

That's fascinating. So obviously, kidney donor, you can donate a kidney because you have two, right? Correct. So it's not like I can walk in and say, I want to be a heart donor, but then I want to leave the hospital. That's not going to happen.

Not going to happen.

But I mean, there are other things that we have two of. Anything we have two of, we can donate one.

Okay. A lung?

You could. I mean, no, I don't think it would be a good idea. That's pretty radical.

I think they do pieces of lungs. I'd give a whole lung.

You would? No, of course not. I don't think so. Well, that's actually a very cool thing you do. You need to match people, right? So that they don't reject the organ. Is that true?

Well, it's amazing. They have made so much progress in terms of you have to match ultimately to have one We're going to go into somebody else. It has to be compatible, is the term that we use. But there's so many ways to do it. You can swap. There's people who don't have an intended person in mind. They just want to be a donor, and they can still make that happen. So, yeah, the possibilities are endless on the different ways.

That is an incredible person that comes in and says... I understand if a friend or a loved one or someone you know really needs a kidney, but to come in and say, I just want to offer up one of my kidneys because someone will be able to use it is incredible.

It really is. We see it fairly often. People come forward and it changes them. You can just see how much it means to them to help somebody.

So it's really cool. That's beautiful. I'm afraid I'm a hoarder. I'm looking for a third kidney. Oh, no. I want us to keep it on the side. I want many extra kidneys put in me just because it's one of those things where it's like, I can't throw these out and I want to, in fact, get more. The way my brother Neil collects toaster It's the same thing. You do that and people come in. Now, you work with other people that do this as well, right?

Yeah. We're a whole team, so everybody's got their specialty. Obviously, the medical is the big part, but as the social worker, my job, I'm really focused in on, how are they going to cope with this? Do they have the right resources? Do they have the right support? How are they going to do handling either being a living donor, going through that process or getting a kidney transplant? So I get to know the people.

Because sometimes people have seller's remorse. Do you have people that give a kidney, and then they come back a couple of months later and they say, I'd like that back? Or is there paperwork that protects you from such an event?

There is paperwork, absolutely. Consent must be signed. It's something we spend a lot of time educating, really trying to make sure somebody is aware that what you're getting into, what you could feel afterwards. Thankfully, I've I've never had somebody come back and say, I regret it. Good. Certainly, there's things that are challenging about it, but no, I've never had that happen.

I tried to start a kidney loaning program. Oh, no, you can't do that. I'll just loan the kidney, but I want it back after a month. Were you charging? Yeah. Yes, I was charging. I wanted to really have it be a money-making scheme. As you can tell, Katie, I don't have a good heart. I have a dark, dark heart.

Use a new heart. What does a black market kidney go for?

Are you asking me or Konan?

Me? I have no idea. Because I have the answer. You do? Oh, do? Yeah. Let us know. No, I don't have the answer. It's a terrible question. Now, you work exclusively in kidney donation. Do you work alongside people or with groups that handle other kinds of donations, organ donations?

We don't at our center, so every center is a little different. There are liver donor centers, and there's organ transplants, heart, lung, liver. We're a smaller program, so we just focus on the kidneys here.

What about this whole budding science of this concept of growing organs? You know that we're going to have the ability soon to grow organs that we could then, I almost said sell, which I shouldn't have said. Again, I'm sorry. I work with people that monetize everything.

It's your fault.

Should we have 'Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend' merch organs is what you're saying?

Yes, that's what I'm saying. You can get a kidney that says 'Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend' on it for $9.99 Do people walk in saying, I want to donate my liver, and you're like, Get the fuck out of here? That's next door?

What do you mean?

I know. They come in confused thinking they're going to donate the wrong thing. Yeah, but wait a minute. Why would she say, Get the fuck out of here? Why wouldn't Katie, who seems very nice, just say, Oh, I'm sorry, you have this misunderstanding. We do kidneys. They're down the street. They're on Tremont Street. Why would she say, Get the fuck out of here? They're competitors. Katie, how do you like your soulmate over here? Excuse me, I thought I'd donate a, Get the fuck out of here. What do you think this is? We do kidneys and kidneys alone. Don't let the door hit you in the ass. You don't know. Yeah. Katie, can I compliment you on the lovely art behind you of Conal O'Brien doing the iconic string dance? What is that made of? It looks like it's made of tiles.

It's Lego? No. Well, it's made of Lego bricks. Oh, cool. Yes. So my husband actually works for Lego, so we are crazy Lego. He works for the Lego group.

Wait a minute. Your job is great and all, but the real.

Yeah, the real humanitarian is the man working for Lego.

You don't need to feed his ego on this. He actually is hilarious. He always talks about what a hard day he had, and I'm like, Oh, really? Was it so tough working with your Lego bricks and selling Lego to people?

Yeah, you're actually saving lives He's building a fake oil derrick or whatever, a merry-go-round. I mean, I'm sorry. It's true. But it's very cool, the thing behind him. I think that looks great. It's you doing the string dance. Yeah. I know exactly what it's like.

It's you doing the string dance. It's you doing the string dance. It's a huge waste of a lot of Lego bricks.

Hey, no, this is the best because despite me using some not so nice language at the beginning, I love you, Konan. This is actually supposed to be Marilyn Monroe. The set was supposed to be Marilyn Monroe's face, the Andy Warhol, really brightly colored. She's great, but I was like, I don't know if I want that. I was like, Oh, my gosh, I'm going to make Konan.

You made that? So that's not... Yes.

Wow. I laid every one of those little studs. And you doing the string dance, touching your nipple, saying, Keep cool, my babies, or some version of that. That's equally iconic to Marilyn Monroe singing Happy birthday, Mr. President in my mind.

Trust me. This is perfect. Not just in your mind, but I think worldwide. No, I think that's really cool looking. I mean, that's what our merch department should be selling right there, not a chill chums, cock cozy. I mean, it's just ridiculous, the stuff they sell. What's a cock cozy? No, please. You don't know. You haven't You basically take a beer Cozy in you. Anyway, I don't want to tell you. It's something that all the kids are doing yet.

I haven't seen this on the website. Where do you got to go to get this thing?

In contcozy. Org.

You can get your organ and a Cock Cozy all in the same cart on your merch.

I had a major argument yesterday, earlier today with our merch team, because they showed me some Chill Chums blanket that's made of a highly flammable material that looks very uncomfortable. And he said, Just stop making this stuff. Stop it. Just stop it. Look what's behind Katie right there. That's beautiful.

Well, you got to have a collaboration with Lego to do that.

Yeah, I'll take care of it. Hey, maybe your husband could help me collaborate with Lego because a Lego, Konan podcast or the classic late night set from the early '90s. These are things that would sell tens of copies.

What does he do for Lego? I would be one of the 10. So the joke is that I don't know what his actual title is. People ask me this all the time. He's a businessy number guy. He does sales. He picture the right... No, but it's not like that.

But he's not putting the bricks together.

No, he's not. But at all of their meetings, they have sets in the middle of their table so they can build. They're very cool. It's a wonderful company.

I thought you said sex. I see, too. Did you hear that too? I did too. Because you're calling in, you said, In all their meetings, they have sex in the middle of their tables. I thought, Wow, Lego. Lego is the place to work.

Yeah, that's cool. That's brilliant story. They're European, right? They do those things there. They're European. They're from Denmark, right?

Yeah, it's Denmark. It's all about things fitting into other things. Come on. I'm sorry, but that's the whole Lego's a very perverted toy. Click. Well, there you go. It's very erotic.

They call that click. Clutch power. That's the term. Lego has good clutch power. I don't know how you make that sexual, but yeah.

What is clutch power? I don't know what that is.

It's like the click. The click.

That's the click. I love it when it just clicks and it just latches in.

You take it apart and do it again.

You take it apart. Now you're making it point of grat. I thought that's what we were doing. No, that's what you were doing, you freak. I thought that- Everyone born on your year, your date is a freak. I'm sorry. Oh, Katie, I forgot. I forgot Katie.

Katie, do you have a question for wanted?

I do. It goes back to the kidney transplant, living donor thing.

I'd like to really think before I donate because I'm saving mine. I was saving it for... I might want to have it be part of some weird ritual at some point, but we'll see. Yeah.

Well, and I don't know that you'd make the cut anyway. But that's not my question.

I'm just kidding. Katie, quickly, how does one make the cut? Because I am fairly healthy, but I might be too old.

Right, but remember... Well, no, age would be fine. Remember I mentioned, though, psychosocial socially stable, good mental health. We try and stay away from ego-maniacs, self-deprecating, people who maybe struggle with boundaries or secondary gain, those things.

No, I'm just kidding. How about people that mutter and go... That's red flag number one. Do you really think... Okay. Is it possible that... Because that brings up a good point. There's a school of thought I've heard, and I don't know if it's just a wife's tale, that if you take an organ from one person who has certain traits and put it into another person, that person can maybe pick up some of those traits. Now, that doesn't logically make sense because I don't understand how that would affect neural pathways. But do you ever think it's true?

Yeah. So this is perfect. That was exactly what my question is, this is a phenomenon that we see all the time. So quick story, we had a patient who received a living donor kidney from an anonymous person, so he had no idea who it was. And one day we're meeting a couple of weeks after his transplant, and he said, Every time I go to the bathroom, I feel like I want to sit down to pee. He's like, I just really think my kidney came from a woman. I was like, You're crazy. Sure enough, his kidney came from a woman. That's a more dramatic example. But we hear things like people talk about their taste in food changing. They talk about just what they liked, and I don't know what I believe, but I hear it all the time. My question is, if you were to ever be a donor, what Konan thing might end up getting passed on to somebody that received your kidney?

Wow. Well, I hope it will be one of my positive qualities. Uh-oh. What do you guys just start listing all my positive qualities?

Yeah, what do you guys think?

You just looked at a watch that you're not wearing. Yeah, I got to go get a watch. See, I'll see you later. I keep looking at nothing going, I got to get a watch. Well, I don't know what qualities would be passed on.

You keep looking at us. It isn't going to happen.

Okay. I think that, let's say, I donated a kidney, and I didn't know who it was going to, but it went to this bald man. I think he would be phantom combing up a giant pompador all the time. It wasn't even there. And he'd have a comb in his back pocket, and he'd be doing all the motions, and people would be saying, What are you doing? And he'd say, I don't know, but I feel like I just have to pile this invisible something on top of my head like a pastry. I think that's what would happen. Because it's such a fundamental part of who I am, I think.

I think that's what gets transferred is the essence of the person, right? So yeah, that makes sense.

I'm very intrigued by this whole organ donor process. I am an organ donor. It says that on my driver's license.

That's important to know. There's other ways. If there's people out there that are interested in being donors and you don't want to think about a living donor thing, you can put it on your license. That makes a huge difference. People's lives are changed every day.

So someday, theoretically, someone could end up with your kidney or worse.

Or worse, yeah. His penis. I mean, organ.

It's an organ, right?

My penis is... I say the plus side of my penis is it's hardly used.

It's like a floor model.

It's literally like a car that has maybe nine miles on it.

A certified pre-owned.

People are like, Is this... Wait, was this warehoused? Did you warehouse this in 1963 in Mothballs? It's perfect. This is cherry. When I was single, I'd hear that from women all the Oh, my God! It still got that new dick smell. Oh, God! Hello, everybody. Oh, God! Tip your waitress. Oh. Where's Max? I got to get a watch. Sacks doesn't like it. Sacks is saying, No, no, no. It comes down. Oh, this is bad. Oh, God, why? Oh, no. Why couldn't I have said car smell? Well, I did what I had to do. Katie. Oh, my God. Katie is going to... The minute this call is over, she's going to start dismantling the cone and Lego behind her. Turning it into a weird Al Yankovik. Anyone but Konan. Katie, all crazy, stupid, horrible joking aside, I think what you do is very cool, and you really are saving people's lives and helping them. I think, although we are really fascinated by your husband's work for Lego, we think you are the superior of the two beings.

Thank you. I'm going to let him know that. But yeah, his work is definitely cooler. It's pretty awesome. I don't know. I think it's the best.

Sounds like he's more of a remarkable keeper. Anyway, Katie, thank you so much and take care.

Thank you. All right. Thank you. All right. Bye. Bye.

Konan O'Brien needs a friend. With Konan O'Brien, Sonam Ofsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive Produced by Adam Sacks, nick Lyaouh, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Your Wolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Erin Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Additional production support by Mars Melnik. Talent Booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brit Kohn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Konan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It, too, could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Konan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco production in association with EarWolf.