Transcribe your podcast

So you spent time in your life looking for apartments, right? A lot, yeah, a lot of time looking for apartments, man apartments, dotcom. Isn't that a great site? I've used it and I've gotten the place through there. They've got the most places go to their website. They've the most places. 40 million people have found their apartment there. 40 million. That's a lot. Yes, that's a lot of anything except Atom's. I'm sorry.


It's just not a lot of atoms, but anything else. It's a lot of visit apartments, dot com to find your next place. Seriously, just do it. Let's not fight about this apartment. Dotcom, the most popular place to find a place. Ring the bell, brand new shoes walking along the fence. Some come back and we are going to be friends, Shakuntala. Hi there. Conan O'Brien here with a special summer edition of Conan O'Brien Needs a friend switching things up a bit.


It's hot out there. Of course, people still stressed about covid and all the rest. So I thought maybe we should just get together and kind of chill people out with something we call summer s'mores with Conan and, of course, the chill chums. Oh, wow. That's great, Matt. What a great laugh. That's a great laugh. Oh, my God. Yeah, that's not that is not the laugh.


That is not the laugh of the demean or the demeanor of a shell chum that I just keep forgetting the premise of this.


Seona and I are the chill chum's and we teach you to be chill and take it from a chill chum. That's a chill chum. Chuckle Yeah, OK.


Well, I chafe at your chill chum. Chuckle Yeah, I, I don't like it.


I it and also I resent this whole idea that I'm the uptight, you know, type a Grinch. I think that I'm very capable of being Zen and doing my Buddha belly breathing. What I think I, I think I exude calm but.


Well the fact that you resent this means that you're not very chill because the children would just let it blow over them when you're they're sitting there going, hey, be a chill chum and I can see you because we're on a Zoome call right now. And I can see that you have banjoes behind you. And while Gandu you have for banjoes, I'm counting on what you have, a vintage guitar and a bust of Teddy Roosevelt behind, you know, the bust of Teddy Roosevelt was torn down.


Some protesters got into my house and tore down my bust of Teddy Roosevelt. And by protesters, I mean my two children, my daughter and my son came in and tore it down.


Let's start this with animosity, this being a chill, Chamizal, about being friends. I know you're you're already, like, breaking all kinds of chill rules. Yeah, well, you're like a.. Chill. You're Jack. You're the opposite of chill. If we come into this chill you like d chill us. So you just got to your Heatmiser. Just chill man. You know, it's nice to have to chill chum's that. Just tell me everything that's wrong with me.


Garage me with criticism that really does help create a chill environment. Hey man. Hey man.


Chills just anyway it's very you know, it's the summer heat. A lot of people out there, you know, they're stuck indoors, man. They just got the summer blahs. And I think what we're trying to do is lift their spirits. And if I'm you know, me, I'm I'm not the kind that brags. Occasionally I'll say things like I'm a I'm a genius. You compare yourself to Mozart. Yeah, I'm a Texan. Yeah. And I mean, some of the greatest minds of all time.


You've compared yourself to them on this podcast. Many, many. Yes. You've done. Yes. Yes. But that said, I'm a humble man. Oh. And what I'm trying to make the point I'm trying to make is that I don't like to brag. I'm immune to it.


But but but but apparently we were doing this just for fun and to kind of maybe send out a little ray of sunshine to people during these bleak times. And I guess the response has been overwhelmingly very nice. People are having a good time and and really enjoying them. And that makes me feel happy.


People are loving the chill charms they got chill, Tim. Fever.


OK, well, that when you talk that way, it just sounds like a joke. So I'm going to bring in someone who's incapable of joking around. Adam Sack's. Adam is a serious guy. Adam, what is the response been?


It's been overwhelmingly positive. Like you said, we wanted to do these just for fun. And as you know, people are having tough times. People are stuck inside. There's a lot of anxiety. And we've just gotten an overwhelming number of messages from people just expressing gratitude, messages that say things like, you know, love the interview. But oftentimes the the three of you all meaning, you know, Conan, Seona and Matt are the best part.


And getting these, like, extended extended segments with you guys are great.


There have been several messages I saw where people have thanked me personally for lying to you and tricking you into doing these extra episodes of season. Yeah. For anyone who doesn't know, Adam made a big thing of saying we're almost at the end of this long season. And then we taped the last one and he went, you're all done. And I went, whoa, great. You know, because on top of you know, I do many other things I do where I did travel shows back when humans traveled back in those days.


And at the same time, I'd be flying to Ghana and shooting shows there and then coming back and doing the TV show, and of course I do a lot of personal appearances. I open a lot of malls across America. Oh, no, I am a champion ribbon cutter at a mall. And so I'm constantly on the go. And so I was like, wow, good. Just a little a little break. And I think Adam called me two days later and said, OK, we got a lot of work.


I said, What are you talking about? He said, wow, you know, there are these. And you got to understand, Adam Sachs and I will say this is one of the most upright, straightforward. You back me up on this mat because you've known a long time to. He is just what the Irish call a mensch. He's a good guy. He's a straight he's a straight arrow, a solid stock. He's the protocol to him.


Yeah. Whenever I'm trying to say a nice thing, you step in. But anyway, I he's just such a straight arrow and such a good guy and always above board and like I would trust, you know, Adam with my life. And then I just said, what are you talking about? He said, well, we've got to do all this stuff. And I said, no, you said I had the break. And he went, Yeah, I know.


I thought it might bum you out. So I he basically he lied to me and he admitted to lying to me and tricked me. Now I'm very happy to do this. And whenever we I have a lot of fun doing this, as you can probably tell. And I'm very happy that people out there are enjoying it. And so that's fine. So, yes, I too, Adam, am glad that this happened. But you did lie to me.


I know. I'm not defending myself. I lied, OK? I lied. You're a bad guy. I lied and have berated me now several times off Mike and Mike and and I think it's fair for you to be right. I mean, you can continue to berate me because I deserve it.


I would ask all of our listeners to go back and listen to again. I don't think I'm berating you. I think as a friend, I'm pointing out a tragic flaw that you might be able to fix, which is just like friends do.


You're a great guy. You're a terrific guy.


And you do one thing, which is you're a terrible, terrible with no moral core other than that topflight Cellcom. So chill Soacha. Am I freezing a lot? No. Do you guys notice that at all. OK, that was awkward. I feel like my Internet's unstable so I don't know. Yeah. Also it's really how you look on Zoome is of no consequence to what we're doing right now. OK, so you've everyone listening right now driving their car or listening as they chop diced onions in their kitchen.


Doesn't give a shit how your zoom is going because they're just listening to our conversation. So you actually know of all the people listening, you just stopped everything. Yeah. To make it about yourself, but to only like three people out of the millions, literally millions that will hear this. Oh, OK. Well, I need Zoom so I can hear what you're saying. That's how this works. So if the Internet doesn't work, I can't hear you.


I just made a fool out of you. Right. That's what I couldn't have known that because I don't need Zoome to hear you because you're the loudest person I've ever met.


OK, there you go. I hear you. If you if your zoom went out, I would still hear you all the way from Altadena, which, by the way, if you people aren't familiar with it, it's hundreds of miles up in the mountains and technically no longer part of the United States. It's seceded in about nineteen twenty six and the US just let it go. You're a very loud person, a person, so you can hear me speaking, even if it's not on Zoom, you can hear me speaking all the way from where you are.


Hey, you understood the bit. Yes. Yes. Oh, cool. OK, it's funny how you resort to bits when I make you look like a fool, I, I think I was not made to look the fool. I think it is you madam, who has looked the fool.


Oh yeah. Anyway, what did you bet. Can I just say something. We called this, we called this whatever similar smores in that shell chum's and all it is is bicker at each other's throats. I know what is happening. Why do you know like this. Well first of all, I think people are wrong. I think this is a terrible stupid. Well it's stupid. I wouldn't say that. I think they're not stupid. This is stupid.


Our listeners are very intelligent, wonderful people. But yes. And also I just want to say our our advertisers. Oh, terrific, wonderful people. Each won a Nobel Prize winner. But yeah, I'm very disappointed in the chill quality I like. Hey, just relax, man. Grab yourself, you know, an Arnold Palmer and lie back. Lie back to. Your raft in your pool and just close your eyes and listen to three people, just bug the shit out of each.


Yeah, I don't know how that works or why anybody would be interested in that.


It doesn't have to be this way, guys. I mean, just just feel me. I'm chilling, right?


Oh, God. Oh, my God. You know what? You're just baiting me now, man. You know, no, stop. Can Matt and I just do this without you? Yeah. I mean, it can be so much more chill, man. You sound you really do sound like you're you're trying to orgasm. You're just you really do like.


Oh, he is. Like, that's disgusting. No, but he's like this is like it's a hashtag. No, it's true.


The fact that you even think that that's what that sound like worries me. I don't know what frame of reference is. I have not had an orgasm since Obama's first term. OK, I'm I it was a place nothing. It just doesn't nothing happens down. Closed. Case closed. I forget what it was like, know.


So no, it's it's fine. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe do a little action to get a little chill, you know. Oh my God. I wish I'm baiting you. Whoever this version of Matt is, you've got to stop or I'm going to come to your neighborhood and hit you over the head.


My name's Matt. I'm the mix of children, Matt. I'm chat and I just like to talk, OK?


Oh, God, no. Jesus, no. No, what? You guys want to sit back and wrap? Just get a little bit off our chests.


You know, I'd like to kick you down a stairwell. That's what I'd like to do it. Just watch you and watch you fall for a really like you'd go down each flight, you'd go down thirty six flights of stairs. Yeah. I have to say, I'm with you. I don't think I can keep this up. I don't it doesn't sit well with me. Yeah.


Really, for an apartment, new apartment, you're probably wondering, hey, is this going to be a good situation for me, right? Yeah, good pizza place in the neighborhood. Yeah. Or able to buy those little onions. I like the Elpidio Loco, right. What are you giving them a free shot? I'm sorry. I really I just I really like Opelika and I like to buy places.


OK, well, maybe we'll get an ad from them, but that's not the ad. The ad that we're talking about here is a really good service. It's apartments.


Com OK, they got more listings than anybody no matter what you're looking for. Two bedroom, six bedroom, one half bathroom, three bedrooms and a bathroom. No bathroom. It doesn't matter. Upgrade, downgrade, bachelor pad. I remember when I had a bachelor pad. Yeah. No one came to it anyway, doesn't it. Doesn't matter what you're looking for. They got over forty million people on apartments, dot com and they can help you find your new place to hang out.


So all the renters who've made apartments, dotcom, the most visited rental listing website in the world, all of them will tell you that's the way to go. But what do you what do you have to believe me for? You know, it's time to just check it out yourself.


But what happened? Why are you laughing? That was it. No, no, no, no. It's working, OK? It's working. It's just you're clearly making it up as you go.


I'm just passionate about apartments, dotcom. It's an easy to use website, isn't it? Sony. You've used it. I have you. I see. I really have actually used this right. I have found a place. It's super easy. You probably use it a lot while you were working for me and you should have been doing stuff for me, but you were on the apartments dotcom website. Exactly. No, it's a great if you're at work.


This was a sting operation. Oh, you caught me.


What are you going to do? I guess nothing is apartments dot com. Find your next place. Don't be a chump. Apartments, dot com. The most popular place to find a place. Hey, everybody, it's Rob Lowe here, hopefully you're already listening to my podcast, literally with Rob Lowe is what it's called. But if you're not to get with the program, come on. We're having so much fun. I've had great guests. I like just unbelievable people.


But I recently sat down with Demi Moore and man, it was more than you can imagine.


It was a trip down memory lane. We got your brat pack. We got your St. Elmo's Fire. You're about last night.


We go back so long and it's we could have talked for five hours, but happily for you, because you have lives and you have other things to do, it's probably going to be only about an hour. So I urge you, listen, wherever you get your podcast. How are your summers going, man, how are you doing? Better now I'm starting to get back into the groove like I fell out of this pandemic shelter at Home Groove and now I'm back in.


I'm been working out in the backyard. Getting a little sun feels good.


But how do you work out? I imagine you working out with work out. I've been working out in the backyard.


You're working out. And I have to say, and this isn't this is not meant to put you down, but I just couldn't imagine you like your workout. I felt like you'd be using, you know, that exercise equipment they show on the Titanic sometimes. You know, that was like from nineteen twelve. I just pictured you having some Sears and Roebuck 1911, you know, you know, long expander, you know, do three of these every morning and the vibrating hip belt.


Yes. Yes, exactly. The vibrating hip belt which used to be. I got a chance. I live very near. I'll tell you my exact address at the end of the episode if you'd like to come by. I'm the only celebrity that can do that because no one would come be perfectly safe. But I live I live right near or very close to Will Rogers, the famed satirist and comedian who lived in a and he was a vaudeville star and huge deal and a movie star.


Very funny, very talented guy, one of the biggest stars of the 20s and 30s. But he lived in a ranch house that wasn't too far from where I am now. And you get to tour his house and it's kept exactly as it was when he died tragically in a plane crash. And so I've toured his house and they said to me, you can anyone can take a tour there. And then they said, hey, did Conan do you want to go upstairs?


You seem like a big fan and we'll let you go upstairs. And I said, sure. And I went upstairs and I went into Will Rogers bedroom, and then they let me go and check out his bathroom and in his bathroom, which hasn't really been touched since the 30s or changed in any way. He had one of those Vibora belts. He had a vibrator belt, which is if anyone watched an old Three Stooges or anything. Yeah, you see them in nineteen thirties movies.


It really was people that wanted to lose weight. I thought if you strapped a big belt around you like a belt that pretty much covered your entire abdomen and it attached to a big machine and then you hit it in the machine, just jiggled the belt and your belly just jiggled and you sat there and did nothing. People thought that this burned off the fat. But I love looking at these ideas that people had. I mean, I'm sure that people one hundred years from now, we're going to look at the stuff we're doing now that we have on infomercials.


You know, these weird all you have to do is attach this electrical cord to your chest and as you sleep, it burns. They're just going to laugh at us. I think they'll do that about podcasting, too. Yeah, that hurt my feelings. I'm throwing bigger stones at myself. No, I think the podcast was is a very enduring format. It's very intimate.


And I'm just grasping at straws here.


Yeah. I think it's going to be around in a thousand years. Humans won't, but podcast will. And the the apes that evolve past us will listen to podcasts. They'll all be about bananas, different kinds of bananas and how you like them. So how's your summer going? It's fine. I do some social distant things now with my friends and I went to another friend's house. I got a really bad sunburn, so I'm in a little bit of pain, but I'm having a good time.


Can I just say you always mock me because I wear a hat or put sun stuff on or cover up.


Yeah, and you always brag that because you're Armenian and Greek, you're sort of meant to live in the world and I'm this freak that can't. So I find it very interesting that you got a sunburn when you when you've more or less implied to me that that could never happen. You're right, because I went there and I was like, I'm going to just sit and I'm going to put my feet in the pool for six hours. It nothing's going to happen to me.


And then I got up and I'm in an incredible amount of pain now. Like, it it hurts, but it'll I think it'll be OK. I mean, I have no idea. Everything's just red and it's fine. It was a socially distanced party. What were you, like, six feet away from everybody. Yeah. We outdoors. Yes. What why are you asking me all these questions? I want to shame somebody. Yeah. And feel you coming in hot today.


Yeah, always. Can I just say one thing, Matt. Here he goes. Coming in, huh. No, I'm not coming in hot. But I think if you go back and listen, you've said you're coming in hot so many times because you always come in hot, then you can't say you're coming in hot today. That is my actual setting. It's you that needs to change your settings because you can't every time say, coming in hot, coming in hot.


I don't mean you're coming. Hot for you. You're coming in hot for the base level of the rest of the world. I know. And why would I if I wasn't social distancing, which I was? Why would I say on the podcast? No, my friends and I were all like on top of each other and licking each other. And everyone was like, first of all, I wouldn't do that. And second of all, if I wasn't good, well, I'm just saying that everyone everybody on the Internet, every day I wake up, I acted like there are days I don't wake up on the day on the days that I wake up.


I'll go on just to check out the news feeds. Maybe the second or third trending thing is always a video of someone losing it, either a Karen or a dude losing it. What's it. I'm surprised you know that term. Oh, yeah.


What do I get out there? I know what's happening.


Do I do? OK, all the kids are listening to Cole Porter.


I hear what kids are saying down at the phonograph store.


But I know, but they're always there's always these videos now. Sometimes it's someone who's absolutely going crazy at a Costco and screaming that they don't want to wear a mask. And it's insanity. But but sometimes it's someone not wearing a mask. And you can tell the person holding the camera is trying to get a viral video that it's around that bums me out because they're sort of baiting somebody.


And that's the new thing now is I'll see there'll be a woman and she's not wearing a mask. And the person will say, excuse me, excuse me. And they're they're holding up a phone. You're not wearing a mask. I'd like you to wear a mask, please. You're you're threatening me. What are you doing now? What are you doing now? And I think. Well, what does this mean? That bugs me too. But I'm also jealous because I want to do that to somebody.


I want someone. That's my real point.


Are you taking out that kind of desire and aggression on us? Is that what that is? Yes, I know Matt has a vintage mask that he got from like the twenties that's very porous and it's made of burlap.


Now, I bought one from the original flu pandemic that's just riddled with flu. Oh, inside. Yeah. It's always got to load and go. Yeah, exactly. He got it. He just he got it on on on eBay original 1918 Spanish flu pandemic mask made of porous burlap. But anyway, I would love to shame you. I'd love to catch you not wearing it. Shame. What would you what would you have said if I was like oh yeah.


My friends and I had a party like what would you have said? I would have held a phone up to you. Let's say we were in person and you mentioned that. OK, quickly get out my phone and I'd hold it up to you and go. You had a party. You had a party. I'd really like it if you did not have a party. I'd like it if you didn't have a party because that endangers all of us.


And then I filming and I go, It's not your business if I have a party. Yes, yes, it is my business. I really like it right now. If you would not have a party and if you would not have a party any time in the future because it puts all of us in danger. And so I'd like you to put a mask on right now, and I would like you never to have a party again. And I'm filming you.


I just want you to know I'm filming you and I'm getting in your face. You're so obnoxious. I know what I know. But you have a bad temper, son. Would you admit that? Yeah, I would have. I would be one of those people who, like, start screaming. Yes, you would start screaming and then I'd post it and I would get so many hits of you going like this. This is America and I was born here and I live in Altadena and fuck all of you.


And I'm not going to wear a fucking mask.


And you just start and your hat, your hair bun would come loose and start shaking around just like crazy. Like you fucking listen to me. I fucking do what I want. Yeah, yeah. Go ahead. Videotape me pussy. Go ahead pussy. Videotape me. Yeah. And then people from Costco would come with nets and they'd throw nets over you and you are coming in hot today.


Yeah but you're right. I mean I think that that would be it. But you'd also you would, you would cancel me and you'd have to look for a new assistant and stuff. So yeah. That be hard. Anybody out there want to have a job where you do very little. You get to be on a podcast and you get to call your your boss a moron pretty much every five minutes. No, you come on. You got to admit you hit the jackpot, Stona.


You hit the jackpot. Yeah. And so of you. You're welcome. Yeah.


That's what I can guess. Why. Yes. Guess I didn't need that.


I think it needs to be said she puts up with a lot of emotional abuse. Thank you, baby. She doesn't want I didn't need you to I, I was listening to what Donna was saying and I was agreeing before I could even agree. You jumped in like the little sprightly imp that you are and started jamming a pitchfork up my ass. And I didn't need it all. I was fine. I was going to say, Sona, yes.


I think you're lucky that you found me. And you know what? I'm lucky that I found you with each other. And I think we make a good we're like peanut butter and something. It's not jelly, something that doesn't go as well with peanut butter, trying to think what it is. We're like peanut butter and hummus. Yeah. Works really. You. Think of hummus because I'm like Middle Eastern, well, you have offered you've told me how much you love hummus.


This is not fucking love hummus. Yeah, OK, so we're on that. Yeah. So don't try and shame me or hashtag cancel me because I said you like hummus. Yes, I canceled Tonin. Yeah. Middle Eastern people like hummus. Yeah you have. You have told me pretty much every day how much you, you can't live without hummus. And once your purse fell on the floor and it fell open and hummus came out and it wasn't even in it, it wasn't even in a jar, she pushes hummus into her purse and occasionally in the day, like a bear with honey, reaches a pour in and grabs it and munches it down.


True or false? With my fingers. Like with my hands. Yeah. Like I said, you if you're like a bear with its Pozzo. Yes. I guess if a human hand.


OK, so ok. Yes. OK. All right guys, we got to wrap this up. Did this. We didn't do anything.


This would do anything. Here's what we dog. People tuned in and they said, I want to chill. It's hot outside. I still have to socially distance. I just want to relax. So they made themselves maybe a little drink, maybe adds a little little wine, and they lay down in a pool on a raft and they tuned out and they turned on some s'mores and the chill comes and going on screams Sorry. Oh yeah. We should probably mention my name again.


I don't get much promotion around here. By the way, my show is called Canaan. Anyway, they're chilling out and they just started to like, really get in a good space when we started talking. And then their heart rate was suddenly up to one eighty. They had spilled their drink. They had fallen out of the raft into the pool. Their earbuds had shorted out. And yeah. So I apologize. I guess this is next. One's going to be more chill.


I promise. I will come in hot. How's apology accepted.


Thank you. Mm hmm. Yeah.


And will you promise me, Matt, not to do your Chilltown character anymore if you'll chill? Yeah, I will. Because then you won't need it.


Well, you know, it it just irritates me. So it does the opposite of tell me which you know. And that's why you do it, man.


You just got to go with it, man. Come on. Oh, God. Oh, man. You're the you're the acolyte. That was so annoying. Manson kicked you out of the group. Yeah. A people say I look like Manson sometimes when I have a beard like that. Yeah. Sorry. When I get my eyes wide like this. Yeah. Yeah. You're very Manson. Ask for sure you are. Yeah. If Manson was completely unthreatening you could be Manson.


I guess I take that as a compliment. Yeah. It's chill. I'm Charles Manson. OK, just stop saying chill. Let's join your cult. If anything, it would be real chill and fun I think. OK, now you're both ganging up on me. We're not. I'm talking about if if Matt had a cult, I would join. It is it'd be fun and chill and we'd probably build things.


Yeah, right. You'd be my co leader. Hey, that's cool.


OK, well, I'd be I'd be someone who found a biker gang paid to me fifty bucks and we'd go down there with baseball bats and break it up. That's what people to come on. I chased you into the woods. Peaceful cult. I would love to see you approach a biker gang and try to, you know, what do you do?


Why are you it's so easy for you to befriend a biker group. Fellows, fellows, kill fellow fellows. Before you strike me, save me a thigh, I'd like to question you about these motorized bicycles.


I need your assistance, if you don't mind. I see you all belong. You're wearing leather jackets. Little hot for leather, don't you think?


Gentlemen, are those Tom Ford glasses? Oh, funny you ask. Yes. Yes. Jeff Goldblum. You're probably familiar. Jeff, step out here and talk to them. It's the fly is. Oh, gentlemen. Such wonderful, sleek machines. Yes. Yes. Well, anyway, Jeff Goldblum and I were walking along and we we found you and yes, he's got Tom Ford. Oh, shut up, Will.


Oh, I want to hear the other one talk. He's turning me on.


That's just a scenario where I'm going to hire bring everyone up to speed back in the scenario. Matt and Seona have a have a cult. I want to break it up with the help of a bicycle with a bicycle for the motorcycle. That's so cool. I haven't played with a motorcycle gang. Yeah, I stopped some cyclists on the road. Spandex. No, I go up and I find a motorcycle gang and I happened to be with Jeff Goldblum and we start trying to talk to them about my Tom Ford glasses.


Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then quickly, where we're beaten with chains. OK, I hope that was the nice summer image you needed. Yeah. We'll see you next week, Conan O'Brien needs a friend with some obsession, and Conan O'Brien has himself produced by me, McCallie executive produced by Adam Sachs and Jeff Ross, the Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Airwolf theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental Music by Jimmy Ravina. Our supervising producer is Aaron Belayer and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.


The show is engineered by Will Beckton. You can rate and review the show on Apple podcast and you might find your review featured on a future episode. Got a question for Conan. Call the Team Coco hotline at three, two, three, four, five, one, two, eight, two, one and leave a message at two. Could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien needs a friend on Apple podcasts, stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.


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