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[00:00:03]

So you spent time in your life looking for apartments, right? A lot, yeah, a lot of time looking for apartments, man apartments, dotcom. Isn't that a great site? I've used it and I've gotten the place through there. They've got the most places go to their website. They've the most places. 40 million people have found their apartment there. 40 million. That's a lot. Yes, that's a lot of anything except Atom's. I'm sorry.

[00:00:30]

It's just not a lot of atoms, but anything else. It's a lot of visit apartments, dot com to find your next place. Seriously, just do it. Let's not fight about this apartment. Dotcom, the most popular place to find a place. Ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking on the books and I back do anything I can to let me go. OK. Conan O'Brien here, and this is a very special sort of edition or offshoot of Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.

[00:01:12]

It's a summer edition, a little something little treats we call summer s'mores with Conan and the Chill Chums. This is meant to be just an extra bonus kind of help you get through the summer. It's very hot out there. And of course, we also have the added irritation. I shouldn't call it irritation, but the irritation of quarantine. Now, I was accused last week and I I don't know. This is up to the listener to decide. But I was accused by my compatriots, the chill chums, of not being very chill and being sort of ratcheted up and coming in hot.

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And that may be the case. I don't know. I'm humble enough to accept that I am, despite incredible powers, a human and flawed. And so it's possible that I was not chill last week. And if that's the case, I'm sorry and I will try to be more chill during this episode, I'll do the best I can. So with that in mind, let's let's begin. Seona, it's nice to have you on the show. It's very nice to be here.

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Yeah, OK.

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You seem OK. I don't want to. We were just talking about murder in the summer and so I realize that's not a very chill topic. So I have nothing to say right now.

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Before we came on the air, on the air, before we pressed record, whatever is the correct term, what's the correct term?

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I think press record. But, you know, it's a general term. I think people forgive you for that.

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OK, I don't understand the podcast format. I actually still don't understand television after doing it for twenty seven years. So you'll forgive me if I if I'm a little clumsy in my wording. But before we started, we're all just chatting. And of course I would say the one thing the three of us really have in common is maybe a lot of people have this, but we all are very obsessed with murder. I love and I don't love murder.

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I mean, that's a terrible thing to say. Yes, in a perfect world, I would be able to murder.

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But I understand that there are social conventions and laws and I don't want to go to prison, so I will not murder despite my sick thing to say, OK, despite my insatiable desire for murder and the constant voice in my head that says murder, murder, you know, it's what you want, you know, it's what you're good at.

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That's not just in your head, by the way, that you say that. By the way, I'm I'm saying this I think in a very chill way. You did come in very chill this episode. You didn't come in hot. And you know what? My tone is still very chill. As I tell you that my greatest my greatest desire in life is to to wantonly murder rob other people of their lives and get away with it. So there you go.

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That's and I'm just saying that as a chilltown before you even said that if you did murder and someone came up to me and said, hey, did you ever think he'd be the kind of guy who'd murder? I'd be like, yes, absolutely. He talks about murder all the time. I'm obsessed with murder. And what's what is interesting is that Seona I hired Seona. We all do things we later regret. But I did hire. Did I know.

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I'm sorry. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Unnecessary. Unnecessary. Terrible. I love you, son. No, I did hire you. And one of the things we did early on, because I had just moved out to Los Angeles, this is like eleven years ago. We've just moved out to Los Angeles soon. And I was I think we were somewhere in the car together because we had to do something.

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And you said, oh, wait, this is near the the you know, the scene of the first Manson murders.

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You know that on Cielo Drive we were on Benedict Canyon, which you see, and then the two of us were really like, oh, we've got to go up there and see it, which I know sounds ghastly and and everything. But we both knew every single detail of Manson and the whole history of Manson. And that's when we realized, OK, this is something we have in common.

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We have many things that we're that we're aren't in common. We're where we're not alike. I could go on at length about those to, you know, move on. OK, yeah.

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I cherish America. Oh, wow. OK, whatever.

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But you were telling a nice story about, you know, looking at the houseware. Yeah. What a nice story I worry about of us retracing the steps. But we knew all the people in the car. We knew then about what they did the next night. We knew we knew everything. And then I realized that whenever I am traveling or going anywhere, the first thing I try and look for is the Forensic Files, because they show one after another, after another after another.

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And I just watch. Those and I'm fascinated with that stuff and Matt, you have some interest in murder. Yeah, I suppose I grew up in the place where the Night Stalker did his night stalking in Whittier. And so it was really kind of big in the community, obviously, at the time. Right. That was a big story. That was a big thing. And my wife was in a play with a guy who did a double murder and dismember the bodies and spread them throughout a park.

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Oh, my God. Why not kill. Oh, my God.

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Yeah, I'm sorry. You're the guy that really represented me last week for not being chill. Well, you did. So which the way you deliver it, I said this guy just did a double murder.

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And that's OK. I'm just coming. Coming in. Cool. Who did he murder?

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Well, you know, it's funny. My interest was what was the play? Oh, it was arsenic and old lace. Of course it was. Yeah, that's about murder. It's a whole play about murder. Did he murder while they were making the play together? He did it much later on.

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He did it later on. His name was Dan Wozniacki. He's on death row. And he was this really kind of creepy director, actor and community theater and. Yeah, yeah. And he had to do it. He was getting married and he wanted money for a honeymoon. And so he went and took a guy in his apartment complex to an old theater and shot him and then tried to frame his kind of girlfriend for the murder and then killed her and tried to make it look like a double.

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I have one question. How does this lead to him getting money? That makes no sense. Like I got a good money making scheme. No. You know, can I just say something?

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There's every time you read about a murder or hear about a murder or watch a documentary about a murder, 90 percent of the time, the person I'm going to go and buy killing these four people, I'll get six hundred dollars and my chances of being caught are only 90 percent.

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I'm going to leave all my DNA at. Yeah, your return on investment is not good. What I do is I, I slice them to death with my driver's license and then leave that behind. I choked them to death with my tax return and then leave that in the body just like the stupidest I recall.

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So my DNA on the scene, on the DNA killer. That's my token. Yeah. What I do is I have these return address stickers that I've had made from my envelopes. And what I do is I cover their whole body with my name and return address so that they their paws can't get any oxygen and they slowly suffocate. Then I go back home to the apartment that's listed on their return address labels and I think about how they'll never catch me.

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All right, good. I take the key from my Tesla, which is linked to my iPhone, and I make them eat it. Then I leave. And because I have left my key of my Tesla there, I walk home.

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But first I paint my shoes with fluorescent paint because that's just my fun criminal twists.

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And I go home and I say, good luck catching me. There's very little except fluorescent paint on my shoes and my Tesla key and my Tesla outside the apartment. Take me to the crime lab. Find to come up with a list of like the worst, worst murder.

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Yeah, well, you brought up Forensic Files. All of those people are usually kind of dumb. I think most I'm going to say something controversial. Most murderers are not smart. Yeah. Serial killers, on the other hand.

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That's something to strive for.

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Yeah, I think I think it's safe to say that probably the vast majority of murderers aren't smart. There are many better ways to many better hobbies, let's just put it that way.

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Any better hobbies.

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But yeah, I've been obsessed with murder my whole life. I was on that show, a podcast, my favorite murder with Karen in Georgia, and they have an amazing podcast, if you I'm sure you've checked it out because it's extremely popular. But they had me on on their podcast and they know everything about murder. And I think halfway through the podcast, they were put off by how I knew way too much, you know, and not put off, meaning they were just like, oh, that's creepy.

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I mean, I managed, I think, to creep them out because then they'd randomly bring up, you know, like Bob Crane from Hogan's Heroes, like, yeah, yeah. No, that motel in Scottsdale. Yeah. He was bludgeoned to death. I know all about that one, too. Why, yeah. By his creepy friend. Well, allegedly it was never proven. Oh. Seems like you've taken a side in that.

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Well, I'm not I'm quite sure it was him, but I don't think we're allowed to say it was him because he was a podcast of record. Yeah, well, yes, I do. I want to make sure that we that we hew to the legal shoreline as closely as possible. This is the podcast where you said you wanted to murder someone, just to be clear. Yeah, you did. Well, I think it's not illegal to desperately want to murder and to have that be your lifelong dream.

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And in fact, the only thing you think about day and night and the one thing that you think would bring you closest to the face of God, I don't think it's wrong to say that that's what I want. I'm just I'm not going to do it right. But oh, my God, if I could murder.

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Really, for an apartment, new apartment, you're probably wondering, hey, is this going to be a good situation for me, right? Yeah, good pizza place in the neighborhood. Yeah. And able to buy those little onions. I like the Elpidio Loco, right. What are you giving them a free shout? I'm sorry. I really I just I really like Opelika and I like to buy places.

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OK, well, maybe we'll get an ad from them, but that's not the ad. The ad that we're talking about here is a really good service.

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It's apartments, dot com, OK, they got more listings than anybody no matter what you're looking for, a two bedroom, six bedroom, one half bathroom, three bedrooms and a bathroom. No bathroom. It doesn't matter. Upgrade, downgrade, bachelor pad. I remember when I had a bachelor pad. Yeah, no one came to it anyway, doesn't it? Doesn't matter what you're looking for. They got over forty million people on apartments, dot com and they can help you find your new place to hang out.

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So all the renters who've made apartments, dotcom, the most visited rental listing website in the world, all of them will tell you that's the way to go. But what do you what do you have to believe me for? You know, it's time to just check it out yourself.

[00:12:59]

But what happened? Why are you laughing? That was it. No, no, no, no. It's working, OK? It's working. It's just you're clearly making it up as you go.

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I'm just passionate about apartments, dotcom. It's an easy to use website, isn't it? Sony. You've used it. I have you. I have. I really have actually used this right. I have found a place. It's super easy. You probably use it a lot while you were working for me and you should have been doing stuff for me, but you were on the apartments dotcom website. Exactly. No, it's a great if you're at work.

[00:13:30]

This was a sting operation. Oh, you caught me. What are you going to do? I guess nothing for apartments. Dotcom, find your next place. Don't be a chump. Apartments, dot com. The most popular place to find a place. Hey, everybody, it's Rob Lowe here, hopefully you're already listening to my podcast, literally with Rob Lowe is what it's called.

[00:13:53]

But if you're not to get with the program, come on. We're having so much fun. I've had great guests. I like just unbelievable people.

[00:14:03]

But I recently sat down with Demi Moore and man, it was more than you can imagine.

[00:14:11]

It was a trip down memory lane. We got your brat pack. We got your St. Elmo's Fire. You're about last night.

[00:14:18]

We go back so long and it's we could have talked for five hours, but happily for you, because you have lives and you have other things to do, it's probably going to be only about an hour.

[00:14:26]

So I urge you, listen, wherever you get your podcast.

[00:14:41]

Connie, what's your perfect murder? I mean, just pie in the sky, what are you going to do? Well, I'm glad you asked.

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Can I guess what your favorite murder would be? Yeah, that you're a definitely someone who would want to strangle because you would want to look at their eyes as the life escapes their body.

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Very good. Very good. I've seen you look at me that way. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. You know, when you see numbat as I'm strangling you. Yeah, that's right. The first meeting that I ever had across the producers, he talked for about five minutes. I left across the table and I started choking the life out of him. And I started to see the light go out of your eyes when Adam, Jeff Ross and a few other people physically restrained me.

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Oh, OK. Do you know how I want to kill you? Howzat. Did you ever see you only live twice? And they they put a little spool of thread from the rafters down while you're sleeping and then you drop poison just down onto your lips and they just watch the life slowly drain.

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But that's no good. That sucks. And I'll tell you why. How dare you? Well, because you criticize my form of murder. Yeah. Cause you're up in the rafters. I'm imagining it's hot because you've been hiding up there for a long time. You haven't you've had to hide up there for a long time because you had to watch me. It takes me forever to get to sleep. Yes. You'd have to watch me do all kinds of sick things just to fall asleep.

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Oh, and then finally, I'd fall asleep and you'd be like, oh, now my perfect day.

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And you'd unschool your little thread and then you'd trickle down. And I'm a pretty sound sleeper, so you wouldn't notice the point of death. I would just I sleep like a dead person.

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And so they're going like, well, yes, I just watched him go from sleep to what looks like more sleep. How satisfying. I guess I'll creep out of here through this air duct. What what are you talking about?

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I don't know. You know, it just to have you dead is enough for me. I don't really care.

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Well, speaking of poison, I have thought if I was ever to kill Conan, I would just slowly poison him over a period of time by with his lunches that we go, oh, Munchausen by proxy. Yeah, like you. I get the lunch from the interns, drizzle a little. I don't know what poison. All you have to do is whatever lunch they bring me is going to kill me eventually.

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Most of my life I don't know, let's just say some of the food we get there at the lot, whatever.

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Yeah.

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But I mean like actually kill you slowly and you know, I would sit there, eat lunch with you and watch this. You just kind of get sick over a course of time and then eventually you know how how long a period of time.

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What if what if you're doing it so slowly and so carefully that finally it kicks in when I'm like ninety four and I'm going to change my and I'm a stay at the James Bond thing, I'm going to put you naked in a bottomless chair and beat your balls with a carpet beater.

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Oh my God. Matt, Jesus Christ. Well I think now we're getting closer to Matt's Trufant. My God. Because he's finally got my clothes off. Oh, my God. And he's handling my testicles so that at least at least you're being honest now.

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Heart is beating his balls. Does that kill Casino Royale in Casino Royale? And I don't think that was going to kill him. That was just going to. But in my case, it would kill me. That would kill me. Yeah, but if my testicles were smashed, I don't want to get it.

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I don't want to get into it any more than that.

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But let's just say, you know, I have to say I came in hot today and I apologize.

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You know, I think about you. You lectured me. I've been I'm admitting it, friend.

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I don't want people to think of me differently now that they know me, that my only true real purpose in life is to murder and murder again, randomly and without conscience.

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I want people to still see me as the Koenen. They grew up watching or have been watching for the last almost thirty years, just that friendly guy who secretly wants to roam the countryside, stealing life with little remorse, mainly in the Pacific Northwest. That's where stuff seems to go down the most. It's always the Pacific Northwest. And I think I think it's because it's raining a lot. Yeah. And you're fornia, too, is a hotbed for murder.

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It really is, because it's a lot of glamour. Manson, the Golden State killer, Night Stalker, was the one who's the the star sign guy. Sauti the Zodiac Killer.

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Zodiac Killer. Is that also the Wonderland murders? One possible reason for that I'm going to be serious here for a second might be that California is a very large state. And there was a period of time there where it was less populated and had a lot of highways and interstate and a lot of people who weren't native to California. So you could come here and be kind of anonymous, do something, and then just jump on the. Highway and be somewhere else completely.

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So I guess that's that's why I moved to California, is I, I, I, I thought, like, yeah, this is good, I could get in, I could move quickly.

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I could get from Galway's House right on to the one thirty four to the one twenty eight to the to twenty six to less chaos. No Chase Canyon El Doob. And then I could make my way down the coastline and be near Kassis Karkoc us very quickly.

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Hey I just learned we have a little like natural lake about a block from our house and that people were murdered their turn of the century and they used to call the lake spooning lake, which was like a euphemism for where people would go and screw around.

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Oh, like. Like like do it. Yeah, like do it at school.

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40 minutes spooning. You sure. Spring means doing it.

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It did. In this article I read that that was the the term that they would use like know necking for making out kind of thing. Spooning meant spooning but with no clothes like squawking. I love that. Back in the day making love meant just flirting with someone. Yeah. You know, I mean, yeah. So they'd say like I made love to your wife meant really you were at a party and you were sort of flirting with her a little bit.

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And I just spent hours making love to you and you still have no interest in me. You know, it's this weird time when making love. Of course. Now no one even says that anymore.

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Why you made love to me on the porch last night. And this is how you treat me.

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Yes, exactly. Exactly. Which were you made love to me on that swing. And I used to think, wow, that guy's an athlete. But no, it didn't mean that at all. You know, that guy's double hinged, you know what I'm saying? It's not that that that noise you're making. Yeah, I don't like it. Sorry. That was me enjoying life for a second. You both told me.

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I don't like that. Yeah. Stop it. Stop it.

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What about pitching. Woo. That's a weird phrase too. What do you what.

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So that's an old one too. I'll pitch woo to you. You know he was pitching woo. That's back in the days when if you were a corton let's say your husband TICC back when he was wooing you he would come to your apartment and what he'd do is he'd have he would call on your apartment, he'd call in your apartment. And if first of all, what he would do was tack would come to your apartment and there'd be a landlady and he would leave his card, that would be the first thing.

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Like back then you left your card. You know, now people just send a dick pic. But back then you left your card and then the landlady would say, this person left a card for you and then you don't even respond to the card. He then has to come back later on after he's left his card once, maybe like three years later. And then he has to and he's wearing a high, starched collar and he waits for you in the parlor.

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And then you go and you sit with him for a little bit and you exchange a little bit of information about each other, but there's no touching. And then he leaves and then he comes back like a year later. And that's that's what it used to be like. That's what it was like. And that's what it was like for me growing up I. Did you ever pitch Woo Woo. I was the best woo pitcher you ever saw. Is this suddenly high pitched me some woo.

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I was knee deep in pitch.

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Come on. I'm sorry.

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Come on man. Doesn't really work. Oh man. I pitched me some woo back in the day in knee deep in woo. Yeah I was knee deep in woo. No modern day woo would be like if you gave a note to somebody in school and was like do you like me. Check yes or no. And you know I had to do that once for a friend of mine and she liked the hottest guy in school and she wanted me to give him a note.

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And it said, Do you want to go out with me, yes or no? And then he made a new box and wrote, Hell no, no, no check.

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Oh, underlying that, it was a terrible day. And I had to give it back to her and it was just horrible. And it. That's terrible. I know. But why did you give it back to her? Because he responded and I didn't want her to I don't know. I just felt I was just doing my duty.

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I don't know if I had seen the hell no. I don't think I would have returned it to her. I just would have said I lost it. But and he is really interested. Oh, he has he has syphilis. What grade was this?

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This was in elementary school. So he's got syphilis know. Yeah, I know. Yeah. He traveled in in Europe in the eighties. He got syphilis. I don't know. I don't think I would have given that back. I would not overturn that. I think he did the wrong thing. And I think you hurt your friend. I've met a lot of your friends. Do I know that friend? No, that's one is I don't keep in touch with anymore.

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Yeah, she never spoke to anybody. I she stopped talking to me. She stopped talking to me after no one ever saw her again. She said she she read the hell no. And she said, well that's it for me and walked away and no one's seen her since. Nice job, Seona. Hey, what about the guy what about the guy who wrote Hell no. Whatever happened to him that was tacky? No, I know I'm married.

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I'm married. He's the guy wrote the response. That's right. He checked. Yes. You got some white out and waited it out and then wrote, hell no. And you did that. You gave it to her. And then you started your 20 year plan to get together and get it on with Tag Texases. Yeah, it's not his last name. It seems like it. No, you can't do you can't keep adding E and at the end of names and being like it's an Armenian name.

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Now that's not how it works. But yeah. No that was awful. I still remember it. Yeah. Yeah.

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I would ask you guys if you gave notes to girls like I know the answer.

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Hey, I passed a note to my wife three weeks ago. I'd been married 18 years and it said, Do you like me? Check yes or no. And she just didn't give it back. She's still she's still thinking about it. Things have gotten a little frosty during quarantine.

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No, I kid. I kid. We're a very passionate couple. Konan Huh. It's not like that. I'm just saying we're both very warm blooded. Well, it's time to wrap this one up. Sorry. Can't handle the passion between my wife and I in an eighteen year marriage. Now, can't you stop? Please stop. It's crazy. I'm sorry I said you guys didn't give notes to girls, but just feel like you both were really shy.

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I think anyone listening knows I'm a very sensual animal. OK, if they're still listening.

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Yeah. If you're still listening, can you please call anybody who might also have been listening and stopped and tell them Canaan's a very sensual animal? God, I'm like my computer screen is sweating right now. Just yeah. Everyone's uncomfortable, just sort of like a jungle cat on the prowl.

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Oh my God.

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None of this will make air. It shouldn't, but it will make love. Matt, you're banned from the podcast.

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I understand. Just for a while. Just for about six years. OK, I just still get paid a tenth of your salary. Oh, that actually be a fair trade that works for you. Yeah, OK. Well, that was a I think I was more chill. You were. You were.

[00:26:59]

And I think we can even do better next time because that's our last Chilterns episode. So we got to get you all the way there.

[00:27:04]

Yeah. You're super chill talking about how you want to murder and stuff that was really cool and chill and stuff. Yeah.

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Subject not chill, but your delivery was chill. Yeah.

[00:27:13]

Because we were talking about something I'm very passionate about. I got into a very chill zone. So yeah. Let's wrap up this one and I'm going to try to be even more chill and that's going to be you should tune in because that will be the most chill I've ever been. I may even take something before we before we do it. Great. I'm talking about like an herbal tea. Nothing illegal. OK, that's it for now. Bye bye.

[00:27:42]

Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sunim Obsession, and Conan O'Brien has himself produced by me, Matt Gallie, executive produced by Adam Sachs and Jeff Ross, the Team Coco and Collin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Airwolf theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental Music by Jimmy Lavina. Our supervising producer is Aaron Belayer and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. The show is engineered by Wilbekin. You can rate and review this show on Apple podcast and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[00:28:13]

Got a question for Conan. Call the Team Coco hotline at three, two, three, four, five, one, two, eight, two, one and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien needs a friend on Apple podcasts, stitcher or wherever find podcasts are downloaded. This has been 18 cocoa production in association with.

[00:28:46]

This has been 18 cocoa production in association with Noel.