Fall is here. Here they are. Back to school. Ring the bell. Brand new shoes. Walking blues. Climber fence.

Books and pens. I can tell that we are going to be friends. Yes, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

Hey there. Welcome to Conor O'Brien Needs a Friend, joined as always by the Stalwart team. Sona Mavsassian, how are you, Sona? I'm doing all right. Yeah, you seem good.

Matt Gordy.

Yeah, Matt Gordy. It took.

Me a second. Five years I've sat here.

Across from you. Seems like we're like a lot more than four. What? Less than six. I would put it around, yeah, five, I guess. It's an interesting thing. I'm just thinking about this today because I was walking past a mall and it was walking past... Some cousins visiting and they wanted to go to the mall. They're from Seattle. These are little kids. I said, Okay, I'll take them to the mall down in Santa Monica, and we're walking around and I saw these different movie posters. I swear to God, it's seasonal, but half the movie posters are for horror. So there's one, I don't know what it is, but you see a silhouette of a Pilgrim, and he's holding an ax. What's that.

One called? Ey Roth's Thanksgiving.

Yeah, Thanksgiving. And then it's like, There are no leftovers. Oh, it's fantastic. Which I thought was fantastic. And then I noticed, Oh, wait a minute. The last couple of years in a row, there's been, I guess, there's like a Silent Night, Deadly Night. Yeah.

Christmas is one of the best horror movies of all time.

Is it really?

Yeah, it really is.

I get scared. I really love horror movies. But the thing that's blowing my mind is how horror has become this almost like, Well, it's Christmas time. That used to mean put up the tree, put out the bells. Now it means release your horror films where Santa comes down the chimney with a scyth and lops everyone's heads off. I know. It did used to be like, Dingle all the.

Ways coming out. Now it's like, it used to be, Halloween was horror. Now it's just October, November, and December. It's just horror movies.

Yeah. Probably keep going, though. It's just going to be like Mother's Day. Do you know what I mean?

There's basically a horror movie for every holiday. There's April Fool's, New Year's Evil, Leprechaun. It's like its own subgenre.

It's pretty impressive. I don't know. I guess I'm down for it. I have not seen a lot of the Christmas horror ones, but I'm game to give them a try. Black Christmas. And have you heard anything about this Thanksgiving one? I want to.

See that. I've heard it's great. I also know that it's based on just a fake trailer for the grindhouse Tarantino movie.

Oh, okay.

Fantastic. And what, 15, 16 years later, he decided to actually make it because Eli Roth made the trailer. And he's like, Well, he's had that idea since he was a kid.

He's going to make it. He might as.

Well make it. He might as well make it.

Hey, David Hopping was supposed to bring us in some coffee for this discussion.

Does anybody see I asked actually for a, which I don't do often, I asked for a latte. And in his Hopping-esque way, he said he'd do it. And he's always, I have to say this about David, he took over for you, Sonia, when you became a big star and then had kids and everything and wrote a book and started with us and have your own fan club and big house and stuff. Anyway, it's a pretty.

Nice house. Do you want me to say thank you? Because you listed it- A little late.

Too late. But my point is you used to take your time, and I wouldn't be suspicious at all. David, I asked him to get me a latte, and then I think you guys put in coffee orders. And that was like 40 minutes ago, and it hasn't happened yet. And that's weird. When you wouldn't show up, I'm like, she's fine. But when David doesn't show up, it's weird. Oh, he's so great.

Well, he is.

David is just… Hello, Conan and the Chill Jams. Stupid name. Long-time listener. First-time caller. Every day I come into this office and what do I see? Conan. Conan. Conan. Everywhere I look, it's a picture of Conan. It's disgusting. So guess what? I've kidnapped your precious assistant, David Hoppin. You have one hour. If every photo of your face isn't taken off the wall, you'll never see your precious David Hoppin ever again.

Oh.

No.

I'll be in touch.

Jesus. That was a... First of all, I don't know. Eduardo, do you know how that got patched in? No idea. Okay, I have a couple of comments quickly. I know David's not a good actor, and he does seem to be in some peril there because I know he can't fake it. The other thing is that's a fucking good headshot of me. Okay. I easily look 20 years younger than I really am.

I.

Don't know what this guy's gripe is. Here's the.

Thing, though. If the thing is removing your photo, everybody in this building can be a suspect.

Okay. That's true.

We're even suspects...

That's the first year. I might understand now, and I have great yes/and skills from years of improv. I might understand that David Hopping has been kidnapped and tied up the way a damsel in distress was in a 1921- Was there a.

Two-to-two train coming down that train? Yeah, two-two.

Trains coming to get them. But anyway, in a very caricatured, stupid way, David's been kidnapped. And if I don't take down all the pictures of me, first of all, you know that would take a while. Yes, there are a lot. And also, you know what? They're not just hung up on the wall. Those things, I make sure those are secured very carefully. Why did you just.

Put a cone-in-faced wallpaper? Because that's essentially what's out there.

Because it was ordered two years ago, but the dye they use in Sweden takes a long time.

It's coming. I've just been handed this thing now. We three were innocent bystanders in this whole thing. I've been handed this. We have to question people. There are suspects in this building. We have to find out who did this.

Oh, I like that we're not even pretending that why don't we just go take down the pictures of Conan and save David's life?

Well, we know you're not going.

To do that. No. A, I'm not going to do it. We just blew right past that. Well, Conan is not going to tell you. I guess we should try and solve the case on our own. I don't think there's any way. And you know what? At no point did this villain, who clearly is working off of 1920s imagery of kidnapping, this villain never said, don't call the cops. Usually, there's a reason why we can't call the cops. That's right. Or we can't contact the FBI.

Should we just.

Call the cops? I think we should. Well, I.

Think the cops would just be like, just take down the.

Photos of- Oh, yeah. Fuck that. That's not going to happen. We're not doing that.

Two reasons we can't because number one, you can't give in to kidnappers, terrorists because it sends a bad sign that anyone could hold you hostage on any given day. You're right. Number two, we know you're not going to take down pictures of yourself. If anything, you're going to put up more to spite.

The kid. Could we do a trade? Could we trade you for David?

Could.

You do a swap?

Well, okay. I mean, I guess it depends on where I'm being taken. Did he threaten to kill David? Is that what he said? Or just take David maybe to a better job. That is no.

Motivation- You.

Know what I love? Can you kidnap me? Kidnapper me too.

You know what I love? This kidnapper has really sloppy. This kidnapper is very sloppy and very vague about, And you won't see her hopping again, which probably means he'll get a really good job at Amazon, and he'll move quickly up the ladder. Then, okay, we don't see him again because he's just way richer than we are. My guess is for this to be a good podcast, we should probably try and solve the crime ourselves because… I think if we just listen to me place a call to the FBI.

I want to listen.

To that. Then watch them show up and probably search the building for maybe 30 seconds and find a very pale guy from Southern Illinois, comically tied to a chair.

I have some ideas from where that thing was filmed, where David is currently hidden.

I know, it looks very familiar.

This is not a large building. No. It's not a large building.

Nonetheless, we need to figure out motive, means, and opportunity. So Isuardo, if you wouldn't mind being the first suspect to hit the suspect chair. You'll be the.

First.

Eduardo.

Motive means opportunity.

Okay, yeah.

Okay, and I also have something else I have to read here. Act 1, the motive. In this act, you will only be able to question suspects about who they think had a reason for hopping, getting nabbed. About who they think had a reason. Okay, who has a... In this act, you will only be able to... In this act.

You will only- Wow, Matt. Wow.

I.

Did it.

You okay? Yeah. Also kidnapped your ability to speak. You got to keep that in now. You got to keep it in.

You got.

To keep it in or you'll never see hopping again. If your flubs aren't left in, you will never see hopping again. Nixon did it.

Hello, Conan and the Chillchums. Earlier today, David Hopping went out to get Conan's coffee and never came back. He's been kidnapped. It's your job to figure out who the kidnapper is and save Hopping before he uses up all the air in the room and time runs out. Welcome to.

The Hopping. Wow, that's a good… You know what? I think they work backwards from his last name. That's my first clue. I think whoever thought of this is so lazy, they thought, Hopping, Hoppinning. Oh, let's do a horror thing.

Well, there's also a reason this isn't called the Movesessin.

The mobsesson, essence.

Here are your suspects. Okay. Chills, Eduardo, Lisa, Maddie, Ruth, and Sam. To solve this mystery, you must question these suspects to figure out three things. Oh, my God. Who had the motive, the means, and the opportunity to kidnap hopping. Number one, motive, who has a grudge against hopping or who would benefit from hopping being kidnapped? Number two, means, who has the skills necessary to kidnap hopping or who has the tools? Thank you, buddy.

Sorry. He can't put up with much of a fight. No. He's about as strong as a stalk of rye.

Or who has the tools or access to the tools to do such a thing? And finally, opportunity. Who had the chance for the time during the day to enact such a devious plan? There is only one person who, as all three, and this person is your kidnaper.

Okay, can I say one thing? One of the problems with opportunity is no one here seems to do much. I'm serious. A lot of people here just seem to screw around.

This is your company.

I know, but the fish stinks from the head. I'm just saying opportunity, who slipped out without punching their time card at the Larchmont offices of Team Coco? But anyway, let's get into it. We're sitting with us now.

Okay, hold on.

There's more? Just a.

Little bit more.

God, whoever organized this is really just a pain in the ass.

In this act, you will only be able to question suspects about who they think had a reason for Hopping getting napped, who has a grudge against Hopping, or who would benefit from Hopping being kidnapped. In the first video, the clues you learned were the kidnapper was throwing paper balls at Hopping. There were travel books for Norway and Thailand stacked up in the back.

Is.

It okay if I start now or are there seven more pages of shit.

To read? Are we good? Is that all we have?

Okay, we're good. Yeah, clearly someone had a lot of extra time. Okay, Eduardo, full name, please. Eduardo Perez. Okay, and where.

Were you born? Eduardo Perez. Excuse me.

Say it after me. Eduardo Perez. Eduardo Perez. You got it. Very good. Eduardo. Well, I'll use English because I think we have other people listening. Thank you. Eduardo, first of all, I want to start by complimenting you. You are ingenious. You built this beautiful sound booth that we use, this studio. I don't know. I got to tell you right away. I mean, this is a very talented man.

This is a hell of an interrogation. I know. What are.

You doing? It's called Good Cop, Good Cop. Oh. This cop is going to leave soon, and then another cop is going to come by and tell him how handsome he is. Here he comes. You're a good looking fella. Then my partner tells me you're also very talented and that you built this whole place. That's true. Who do you think did it?

I'll tell you for sure, first off, just to get this out of the way.

I didn't.

Do.

It. Secondly- Good enough for me. Yeah. What? I'm eliminating you as a suspect.

No. Great. Just to get out of the way. Secondly, you know it pains me as we know, snitches get stitches. Yes. So this is not easy for me to do.

Yeah, but you're saying it very readily. Especially sitting here.

Not that hard.

Sorry, can you repeat the.

Six suspects? Oh, my God.

Chills, Eduardo, Lisa, Maddie, Ruthie, and Sam. These are, by the way, to the listeners, all people that work in the building.

Right. Okay. Kind of work sometimes.

I do think Maddie, as talented as she is, I don't know if you guys are aware, but she's dabbled.

And more than.

Dabbled, in stand-up comedy.

Yes. Maddie is quite- What.

Did you guys write down?

I wrote down I know who it is now. And every now and then, she's filled in for David-like task. I've noticed, when you need water or stuff like that before an interview. Right.

So I.

Would believe maybe next step up.

She could fill in David- This is interesting to me. This is interesting because, yes, she interfaces with talent a lot. All the time. She's the one who, when talent comes in to do the podcast, she takes care of them. She gets them into the building. So she has a great awareness of the facility, which I don't. I just go right to my office. That's exactly right. And I hear what you're saying. I could see her thinking, Wait a minute. If I get hopping out of the way, I slide into that position. Then I become Conan's assistant. We all know what happened when Sona was my assistant. She became a star. And then Maddie becomes a star. That's very interesting. Here's my question.

What do you think about all the photos of Conan in the building?

Aren't there a lot?

I could.

Care less.

I'm in the room with this guy all.

The time. You're assaulted visually when you walk in from both sides of the hallway. It's like running through that scene in Raiders the the Lost Ark where darts are shooting at you from.

Both sides.

No, I put my head down and come straight into this room. But there's a.

Wall size photo of him as a Viking.

There is one. Right when you come in. Right when you come in. I personally thought that's a cool looking photo, so I have no problem.

Thank you. And, Roberto, I have a quick question. Should I get lip fillers? I have very thin. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. They're very thin. They're very thin lips. I could see that. I've got beady little eyes that I think have hampered my film career. I have beady little suspicious.

Creepy eyes. You're the worst investigator. All you're doing is complimenting him. You are terrible.

Also, can I just say one thing? Yes, you're welcome. Very handsome, and you do an amazing job here. Thank you. Here's my partner to really rough you up. Okay, great. You are fantastic. Oh, my God. Both of you guys suck. You're lovely. You crossed.

Out his name and then you've starred next to Matty. Yeah, I think it's Matty.

Just based off of what he said. Can I just say something? I am easily swayed. Right now, I'm quite certain it's Maddie. And also you actually really work here. I do. And a lot of people don't. But every time I come in this building, you are hard at work. Thank you. This guy does not have the opportunity. Right.

I have a slight concern about Maddie, though. One of the clues was the travel books to Thailand and Norway. She didn't go to Thailand.

In Norway. That doesn't mean the person had to go.

To Thailand. I know. I'm just saying, but that's a clue. Who here did?

Chills? Chills went. The only.

Other person, by the way- Ruthie?

No.

Sam, Maddie, Lisa? No. Lisa?

Only Chills, right? No, but this is the thing. You got to be careful. You have to just be very careful about this because we'll work our way through the investigation. You may be jumping ahead.

Why are you getting so serious?

Because- I know.

You were just complimenting one of the suspects for like 40 minutes.

You said you got to be careful like I insulted your children. I'm just putting a clue down. You asked.

Them if you need lip fillers. That is not doing a good job investigating.

You got to be.

Very careful.

About this. I hate that you jumped ahead and started making assumptions when we don't have all the facts yet. I take this very seriously. I'm not making assumptions. I'll tell you something else. I take the fact that I might need lip fillers seriously. It's always bothering me that I have no lips. I'm like a muppet. I think that's hurt me.

David could be getting murdered right now, and you're talking about lip fillers.

In your eyes. We got to move on. Thank you, Adriana. No problem. Thank you very much. Anytime.

You know what? It's interesting. He passed the blame on the. You don't leave the state. Do not leave the state. You stay nearby. Actually, you have to stay right here. You know what?

He's got a nice walk, too.

Oh, my God. Conan, you can't treat the.

Suspect this way. You know what? He's as nice walking away as he is coming towards you. He's a good looking fella. I'm just saying. Who do you.

Want to bring in next?

Let's bring in Lisa because I have some questions about her. Lisa, and I'm just going to say this to our listeners so they're aware, Lisa Blaert. Hello, is the sister of Aaron, and they've both worked for me for many years. So let's get her in here. Oh, hello, Lisa.

Hi, Lisa.

She's married now. I know, but what I'm saying, I'm telling them that she's related to Blaire. And also I only use maiden names.

Oh, okay.

I still call my mother Mrs. Reardon. Lisa, how are you? I'm good. How are you? Okay, listeners, this is Lisa. And Lisa, you have worked for me for how many years? I think 20. Twenty years. And in that time, your main responsibility has been to get audiences.

For me. Yes, I was the audience coordinator for a.

Very long time. For many, many years. Is it tough to get people to come and listen to me here?

Oh, my God. Conan. Jesus. Oh, God. No, they come in droves. I had to beat them off with a stick, basically.

Okay. Because you're like a murder? That's interesting. You just said when approached by people, you swing a stick.

No, I'm very friendly. And my customer service.

Skills are- But you're saying the Conan ticket, even at my advanced age, is still a hot ticket? It is a hot ticket. Very good. Okay, just want to establish that because that could help us with the crime.

Not at all. It doesn't help us.

At all. You get really good laughers, too. It's terrific. Sometimes I feel like the better people are in the back. Can you get them to the front. Oh, my God. Hopping has got plenty. First of all-.

David is dying right now.

No, he says he's running out of air.

You know what? Can I say something? Yes. I know this building well. You know how well this building would have to be built for any room to be airtight? There's plenty of air getting in. You don't know.

You probably put a towel underneath the door.

Oh, shit. I didn't think of that. Okay, so, Lisa, some questions. Hopping is missing.

I'm really sad. I hope he's okay.

Sure. Me, too. I'm like, no, whatever. I don't know. I tell Jeff- Whatever. Well, I'm just saying I tell Jeff Ross, Hopping's gone. You guys are like, Dixie Cups. You pull one and another one drops down. I've had 55 assistants. So whatever. Okay. Oh, no. I might have to ask Jeff to make sure someone else is here from the Midwest tomorrow to get my coffee. Oh, my God. Who also doesn't know what a Tesla is. Oh, I'm really fucked. So anyway, Lisa, probably, I mean, he knows my PayPal and stuff, so it's good. Let's try and save him my- You have.

To know my PayPal?

He knows how to use... I don't know how to use these things, and he knows how to do it.

Why do you have.

A PayPal? You don't want to know. Everyone needs PayPal.

I don't want to know… Ryan, what do.

You… I love PayPal.

You got.

To PayPal it up. You got to pay Palad up all the time. Yeah. By the way, that's how you're paid for this podcast. Have you noticed? No, I haven't gotten a dime. Well, I didn't say I was good at it.

We've accomplished nothing. Listen. My paper is completely blank.

Lisa, I got to get to it. Okay. Who do you think committed this crime?

I really think two people could have done it. Not together, but just suspiciously.

You have two people who on their suspect list?

Okay. Yeah. First of all, I'm sorry, Eduardo, but I just see how Conan treats you.

And everybody talks about in the office.

They just say that he doesn't respect you. And he throws stuff at you all the time.

I said that stuff behind his back. Wait. The whole point is to be nice to him through his face.

He does.

Throw stuff. The kidnapper was throwing stuff at Hopping. That could be a revenge. Wait a minute.

You know what's interesting? What? You bring up a really good point.

Oh, now I'm not jumping ahead?

Paper. Yeah, before you were. Okay. I mean, that was criminal what you did before. And I'm surprised you still have your badge. Go ahead with the paper thing.

Tell them what? Well, one of the things we learned from the clue in the video is that the kidnapper was throwing paper balls at Hopping.

Interesting.

You do that to both Blake and Eduardo. So, Conan's a suspect.

Listen, if I were involved, Hopping would be dead. He would be kidnapped. I'd just kill him right away. Do you know the time it takes to tie someone up? Even someone that weak? No. What I do is when we read ads, I crumple up the papers afterwards, and then I don't know if you can see, but I fire them at Eduardo or Blake. That's interesting. Then Eduardo was often protected by his computer screen, which really enrages me. I want to actually get a new computer that has a big hole in the middle. Anyway, so I can hit him in the chest. That's interesting. So you're thinking-.

I think it's either Eduardo or maybe Chills.

Why.

Chills? Well, I've worked on the show forever, and I used to even share an office with Chills, and I just know he loves chaos.

He does. He's an agent of chaos.

Yeah. And I just think what a better way to cause chaos than to take away, hopping? Yeah. But don't you get sick of Conan after a while? You used to walk by so many pictures of him. All the fans were like, Conan, Conan, Conan. Doesn't it make you sick? No, you know what? I've worked for Conan for so long and my brother works on the show. I feel like I'm family. You are family. So it's like walking into my house.

This is the lady, don't protest too much. I don't know.

A lot of. No, it's like a.

Warm hug. Yeah. And I'm going to tell you something else. First of all, I feel that's how everyone feels when these two are outliers.

Absolutely.

Not. And then-talking a lot. I don't think it's Lisa because she gets my audiences, and that is a sacred trust. I need good audiences, and you've been handling that for years.

So I don't think you- She could have snapped. Sorry. Yeah. She could have- She could have snapped.

That's true. I guess she could have a mental break.

I'm about there.

It.

Happens to.

Everybody who works here. So you think, Chills... Well, obviously, Chills goes on the travel shows, and he has to travel books. Throwing the papers takes me more to Eduardo, and maybe the books are there to throw me off, or maybe the papers are there to throw me off.

Any last questions.

For Lisa? Is there a way that we could get just people that never stop laughing?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Thank you very much.

I'll wear.

The award out. Even during the set-ups to jokes. You are the worst. They're just laughing. I'm on it. Okay. Thank you. God, she's fantastic. Tick, tuck, tick, tuck.

Time's a waste in gang, and I don't see any photos being taken off the wall. I'd asked David to do it, but he's a little tied up right now. Sorry, just some kidnapper humor. Conan, I think it's time to light a little fire under that flat Irish ass. Guess what I found on Hopping? Your special cream. That's right. If you don't take those pictures of your face off the wall, not only are you never seeing Hopping again, but you're never going to see your cream again. I know you're not going to ask for it yourself. Take the pictures down. I'll be in touch.

Again, that video ended with the headshot. That's a great headshot.

Oh, I thought that was like an exercise when they flashed the demon, Pazuzu, on the screen for.

A split second. I didn't go there. I just went to, That guy has age through... First of all, it's an old photo, but- Oh, man, it looks good.

I saw a lot of merch in there. That's Ruth's territory.

Going in at.

The Apollo. Yeah, there's merch. That's Ruthie.

That was merch.

Is it also worth noting that David's tied up in XLR audio cable?

Very good. But can I say something? Again, to me, that eliminates Eduardo completely because he knows that that XLR cable, if you tie it up like that, you can damage it. Right. I mean, right? We're talking about- Correct. If I.

Were to tie somebody up, it would.

Be like that with the XLR. No, no.. No, he is like a fine chef who then is killing people with his best cut of veal. No, he's not going to do that. He's not going to waste that. Eduardo, it's not you.

Thank you. That's interesting, actually, because I was just handed this card. Thank you, Blake. Here are the things that we were supposed to look out for there. Hopping was being kept near a pile of merch. Hopping was tied up with audio cables. Who has access to the audio cabinet?

Well, we know. I mean, it's too obvious. The doardo does, but no, it's not Eduardo.

You can't say it's not Eduardo just because you like Eduardo.

Yeah.

He's very talented and he's quite good looking.

Oh, my God.

People like that don't need.

To kill.

Okay, let's bring in our next subject.

I still think Bundy is innocent. That was a good looking guy.

No, no, no. Conan, no.

That guy cleaned up real nice. You ever see him in a polo shirt? Hey, I saw a son of Sam once at a tuxedo. Fucking guy. Looked amazing. I'm just saying they should relook at the evidence. These might be innocent people.

Oh, boy. Who are we.

Calling next? Well, I guess it's time to talk to Maddie.

Maddie, please come in.

Let's get Maddie to come in. I know who I'm taking off my list. I've already taken.

Up- You've already eliminated someone?

Yeah, that's how I do it. I work really quickly and I eliminate most people. Here she is.

Hi, Maddie.

Hi, Maddie. Excuse me. I'll run this interrogation. Could be you're.

Really bad at it.

Quiet.

Please.

Okay. Maddie, are you a fan of my work? Oh, my God. Are you a fan?

We'll remind you you're under oath.

I am under oath. Honestly, I am a fan.

Okay. All right. I love the qualified- Guilty.. A true sociopath. No, I should get to more important matters. Lip filler for me. My lip filler. Oh, my God. Okay, no, I was trying to get into it. You've heard Hopping is missing. He's somewhere in this very small building, but we don't have the energy to leave the building and find him quickly. So we're going to play this out because maybe we can monetize it, jam some ads in here. But that's not the point. A man's life is at stake. Maddie, who do you think is responsible?

I don't know anything about cables or audio equipment. I don't associate myself with that. I work with my people, Celebrities.

And I- And aren't we amazing people, celebrities?

I'm a huge fan of Stephen Wright and Taylor Tomlinson, Bill Hater. It's been a true pleasure to work with them.

Wow. Innocent.

Yes.

But who does know where all of the audio equipment is, is Eduardo. Yeah. He seems to love.

Working.

With Second-Finger.

Oh, okay. Now that makes me suspicious.

You're now suspicious of Eduardo?

No, I think it's too many people pointing fingers.

At Eduardo. Exactly. And when too many fingers go towards Eduardo, I start to think, Maddy, you've been accused. You've been accused because it's no secret that you are a very talented person. You're funny. You're pursuing a possible career in the comedic arts. That is correct. And you might see an opportunity say, something were to happen to Hopping. Let's say he's comedically tied up and then suffocates in a room that has plenty of air in a very small recording studio where he's probably feet from us. But that's not the point.

It might even be this room.

We might be in the corner.

We didn't even look. I have to make sure I don't avert my gaze or turn my neck slightly because I might see him and be able to rescue him. But that's not the point. The point is you really stand to gain. If something happens to Hopinning and you slide into that position, you could be the next Sona. And that's about as big a star as anyone can be. You had a New York Times number one selling book, Seller Book.

That is true. And by the way, Sona, it is my mom's favorite book. You should know.

Oh, thank you so much. It is true. Next to Scientology.

But you've seen us interact with each other. You've seen, I mean, I worked for many, many years. Yes. Is there anything about this job that seems even slightly appealing to you? You could be honest.

I mean, listen, am I jealous of the social media following and fan base that you and David have seemed to have garnered from getting Conan to do funny bits with you that could possibly get me a career in comedy that would make me more successful and hotter than Matt Rife.

Oh, wow. I'm so happy. Are you aware you're crying right now? Are you aware you're crying?

No, really, I'm so.

Happy for both of you. Oh, look, there's blood in the tears. There's absolute blood in the tears. I'm so happy.

I've never been happy in my entire life for anyone.

Wow.

Motive, underline. Yeah, there's a motive here. I'm sorry, Maddie, but even you have to admit there's a.

Motive here. Fame.

You know? What? Underline. No, no, no. Listen, you just performed very poorly on The Witness Stand. You just pretty much sealed your fate. I mean, you've got it all. But you said I'm so talented. Yeah, but then you went on and on about Matt Rife. I mean, whatever. These young people, I got to kill them in the crib. What? Excuse me? Wait, like you and the suspect? Any younger comedian who's really good and successful and moving up quickly, I need to squash that shit now. So that was a mistake. Well- Even Hater, I should have knocked him out of the box a long time ago. Oh, he's gotten too big.

Anyway. He's great. I wouldn't mind some photos of him up in the.

Building.

Too.

Okay, great. I don't know. There aren't too many photos of him. Never quite made it. I hate her.

He's very famous.

I'm not sure.

Really, really.

Well for himself. I've never really done much.

After SNL. My hero? Barry? I mean, Barry. Honestly, who I model my comedy career after-.

What's Barry? I don't even know what Barry is.

I would really love to work for him. It's Emmy-dominated show that he had on HBO. Is his assistant feeling okay? I don't know. We should check on his assistant.

Maddie, you seem extremely guilty.

I like your gummy berry rings. I know, I.

Do too. I know, I do too. You're lucky that Sona didn't just swallow one of those. Okay, thank you so much, Maddie, for your time. You're very welcome. Appreciate it. Maybe there's going to be another spooky video soon, or maybe not… Oh, no. Hi, it's me. Sophie. David Hoppey. He can't act. I'm your assistant. I did manage to escape. I'm really proud of myself about that. I'm usually not good at that thing. But I did manage to escape, but I cannot get out of this room. I know that whenever you hired me, you said you hate it whenever your assistants get kidnapped. And I'm really sorry that I feel like I let you down. No, I did not get a good look at the kidnapper. One minute I'm outside walking. I have your coffee, double shot latte, just how you like it. And then all of a sudden, bam, I get hit in the head, and I'm out cold. Now, listen. The kidnapper must have been someone that can leave the office during the day. And then they also must be really sneaky because I heard nothing. They must walk so quietly. And when I woke up, I was in this room right here.

I was still being tied up. And here's the weird thing. This kidnapper… I had really strong hands in Conan. One more thing. They have your special cream, the one that you tell me not to... They're coming back. I have to go. Wow. Okay. Well, we do need to get him an.

Acting.

Coach.

That was amazing. Why did the kidnapper leave him with his cell phone? And why didn't he call the police?

I thought the cell phone is the kidnapper's VHS camera.

The kidnapper blows. Let's just get right to the chase. For sure. This is a terrible kidnapper. I wish all kidnappers were this bad because then there'd be no kidnapping.

Here are the clues. The kidnapper was able to leave work during.

The day.

During day. Yeah, which anyone can.

The kidnapped was sneaky and strong.

Okay, well, first of all, this is not an army base. This is... I mean, this is basically like a Pete's coffee. Yeah, who.

Cannot leave during the day? Is there a.

Vampire here? This is a Pete's coffee where they happen to make a podcast in the corner. People are coming in and out all day long.

Yeah, a lot of people work remotely.

They don't even come in. Someone who can leave during the day. Everybody leaves during the day.

I feel like there's more of a clue there.

Than we're seeing. And then, sneaky. Oh, there was something. What? They walk very quietly.

Sneaky and strong. They have strong hands, according to David.

Strong hands. Well, I have very strong hands, but I know it's not me because, again, I'd have murdered.

David and may still- Let's see your hands, Eduardo.

No, I'm not pretty weak. Wow, what? Oh, no. No, they do. I'm sorry. You look like you sleep with both of your hands in little bowls of heavy cream. I swear to God, your manicure looks nice, but no, those are not working man's hands. Okay, let's.

Bring in someone else.

Let's bring old Iron Grip Ruthie in here.

Okay, Iron Grip Ruthie. I-g-ruthie.

Let's get Rulu in here. I have thoughts.

Ruthie is our social media and merch manager.

Yeah, she does pretty much everything. She's the check of.

All trades. Lovely person. Ruthie, you have a seat, please. Your full name, please. Ruthie Wyatt. Ruthie Wyatt. And, Ruthie, you've worked for me for how long? Thirteen years. What merch is moving? What merch does well? Oh, God. Oh, man. What stuff goes well? If it's just Conan, it probably sells. And then when you add these two numb skulls, we probably see a little bit of a dipthroat.

I noticed there was some leftover Conan at the Apollo shirts in there.

Yeah, there are.

We've got that. We're saving those for the Smithsonian. Those are being set aside. So, Ruthie, you handle merch?

Signpostors by you.

Signpostors by me. I go.

Through the roof. A lot of photographic stuff. I've taken most of those photographs. A lot of pictures. You have? I have. You've seen them in space all day. But there's no way that I did it, though. Why?

I love David.

Okay. But not Conan.

I love Conan. She does love me. She said that many times after a couple of drinks. I do.

Yeah, so.

Many pictures. Who do you think did it?

Well, I.

Hate to say it, but it might be Maddie.

Maddie? Why? I think Maddie is looking like a strong suspect because she's clearly insane. Well. You know what I mean? Just like, I'm going to be in comedy. Like, Oh, my God.

Yeah, you know.

She's able to leave whenever. She does have a new comedy show that she's producing on her own called OG Dicks. Okay. I don't know. She's able to leave. She has to leave.

All the time. Oh, she'sgo get props and stuff. Wait a minute. Are you telling me that she's on Company Times? She leaves to work on her new show, OG Dicks?

Og Dicks. Yeah.

Wow.

Is that what you're saying? You're saying part of her job is that she leaves work?

Well, she has to leave and run Aaron sometimes. If you- She needs to refill the basket of snacks for talent and for celebrities. She has to go out. But then she's also got her own stuff going on with her comedy career.

She's very funny, though. She's very ambitious. Very ambitious.

How strong are her hands?

She's very strong but delicate also. I'm not going to put her...

Do you mind if I shake your hand right now? Sure. Yeah, I would love to. Oh, Jesus Christ. Let's try that. Wow, that is a grip.

And we don't shake hands, we hug. No, we hug.

I love you.

I love you, too. Ruthie didn't do it.

I couldn't. You're in on it.

Ruthie, I adore Ruthie. But I will say this. Ruthie has traveled on many travel shows with me. She is familiar with my travel shows, and she has traveled often with on many travel shows. She is familiar with the TravelMilieu, so I could see her having access to those books. Also, merch. And you got a good grip.

She sees so many photos of you. Wouldn't it be nice if there were just a few less photos of Conan in this building?

If anyone's going to snap looking at my photo, it might be Ruthie. It's Ruthie. That's what I'm saying. I'm with you on that.

Do you have access to the audio cabinet?

Yes. You do? Yeah. I have to? Is that true? I do. So does Eduardo.

Though, too. Is that true?

I do. So does Eduardo, though, too. Right. -edoardo is jumping in. Don't let the hand someone gets you. It's interesting. He's jumping in. Well, yeah.

He's- No, no, what I'm saying is but you have access to the audio closet. You also deal in merch. You also are sick of seeing my face. No, I'm not.

I love you. Can you leave?

Yeah, I can leave.

Ruthie, the most important question of all, does it bother you that my lips are so thin? But you look at the photos all the time. I look at them a lot. But can we plump? Do I need to plump them up a little bit or are they okay? No, I.

Like your lips. They're great.

Don't.

Put.

Anything in them. Okay, I'm.

Thinking of doing that. We need you as is. How does that help the case? How does that help get David back?

We get David back or we don't. I have a goddamn career to think about. This pumpkin is rotting fast.

Can you just show me what pluff-up your lips.

God, it's terrible. But maybe you get a lip tattoo. I say do it. Maybe you need a lip tattoo. Yeah, you should do it. Oh, my God. Yeah, you should do it.

Me with really luscious lips?

Oh.

God. Plumpy, pillowy lips. Women are always looking at it like I'd like to smack a root with him. Is that something they say for kissing, smack a.

Root with him? Yeah, I want to smack a root with that guy. No one will question it. Okay, so- No one will.

Question it. -ruthie, I'm with you. I am highly suspicious of Maddy. First of all, I'm highly suspicious of anyone who just young people that are ambitious creep me out. I think she's got to go.

I don't know.

I mean, we still have chills, Sam, to.

Interrogate here. Thank you, Ruthie.

You're welcome.

Ruthie, thank you very much. Okay, you're welcome.

I love Ruthie, though. I really do. I know that a lot of clues point to Ruthie, but I don't think it's Ruthie either. Okay. I mean, she.

Has a motive.

She has a motive. Hey, who else do you throw paper balls at? I'm just curious. Do you throw them at Chills?

No, I don't.

You throw them.

At Blae. I throw them at Blae.

For sure.

But Blae is not on the- I will say Chills is the one that picks them up.

He is right.

Because I refuse to clean up after myself.

Yes, you don't ever clean up after yourself.

Right.

Because that was the only- Because that's the status I've achieved in this world. Sam.

Sam.

Here.

We go.

All right. She's got a cool style.

Yeah, she does. I like your style, Sam. You can't keep complimenting people who.

Walk in here. It's my technique.

Okay, but.

It's makeup. Sam, did you put the... You seem like you're too good to put the... Did you put the headset on or not?

If you'd like. I mean, it just-.

You don't have to. You don't have to. Does my hair look okay? Your hair looks amazing. I'm going to start with a few compliments. Thank you. I think you're terrific. You've done a wonderful job, and I love your style. Thank you. You just walked in here. You got those cowboy boots. You got the cool barretes. Thank you. I don't know. I just think she's great. Are you a murderer? David is. Are you a murderer?

Not that I'm aware of.

Well, first of all, we're not even looking.

For a murderer. Yeah, David's alive.

I consider him dead at this point. Even if he shows up, if we get him out of this alive, I may kill him. Okay.

Are you a kidnapper?

Ruthie, no. No, no, no, no. We just talked to Ruthie. I don't know, Sam, who do you think may have done this?

Look, this might get me fired because.

She is- It's very hard to fire people because if you go through the HR, it's so difficult. And we have to give you warnings. You can get away with murder at this point, so don't worry about it. Okay, that's right.

Fire me along.

But.

I do think it's Ruthie, and she's my boss.

Why do you think it's Ruth-y?

This is the thing. She is constantly trying to go viral on TikTok, Instagram, and this is the exact thing that would get the clicks. This is going to be written about, people are going to be posting. That's interesting. I don't know. I think it's a good clickbaity thing.

Do you have access to the audio cabinet?

I mean, I do, but I do everything on my phone, so there's no need for me to go on the cabinet.

But you do have access? I do have access. Sure. Can I see your hands, please?

You're so delicate.

You have a lot of.

Taylor Swift friendship bracelets.

I'm going to ask- You know who else is a Swifty? David Hopping.

David Hopping is a Swifty. Yeah. Did you get to go see the recent tour? But Hopping did. Did that make you angry that Hopping got to go? And you didn't? When you consider yourself the bigger Taylor Swift fan?

Look, I'm happy for him. Do I wish he would have invited me to a couple of the shows? Yeah. He went to.

Several shows. He went to several shows and didn't invite you.

To one. How much are you paying me? And I made him friendship bracelets.

Those.

Are thousands of dollars.

I tell him he has access. First of all, here's how it works with David.

You better check your paper.

It's the same thing with Sona. I always told my assistant, here's my bank account, and then take out what you need for your living. And then it was like six years later, I saw this one on Lake Mead in a boat, a.

Huge boat- Yes.

Thank you. -that said, Cone Sucker. Okay, Sam, maybe it's you.

Tell me- Why?

Wow, we got a real.

Queue-per-row here. No, I'm going to tell you this is another technique I'm trying. What? Tell me why it isn't you because I think it is. You keep changing.

Your taste. It's just not.

My style. I think it's you. I've never liked you. You said all this.

Nice stuff.

About me. I said that to butter you up, but now I'm a different guy and I'm going to throw you off balance. Your style sucks. You've got no style.

That's not nice.

I'm sorry, but you know.

Look, I am a very Zen person. I'm a yoga teacher. I am not about any of this violence. I meditate. This is not who I am.

The people that tell me they're Zen and meditate are the ones that have more anger and frustration than anyone else I know. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I swear to God, every yoga teacher I've ever known has done some time in jail for trying to kill somebody. No, that's not me. Seriously, every single.

Yoga teacher.

Oh, okay. Yeah.

That's not me. It wouldn't be me.

Okay, so you're Zen.

I have very petite hands.

But, Jen, I want to say this. What? You're quiet.

Yeah. Let me see those. You've got some tattoos, some ink. What's this? Roon. This one?

Oh, that's an.

Icelandic run. Icelandic run. What does it mean?

Love. Okay. Yeah, love tattoos that I'm going to kidnap someone.

That one on your phone, the cherries from Pac-Man?

It's not from Pac-Man. It's just cherries.

Hey, what about that one on your forum that says, live to kidnap? Yeah. What's that all about? We can disregard. We're getting that removed.

Okay, all right, forget it. Okay, well, thank you.

Sam, very much. Sam, I do admire you. Thank you. Now I'm going back to the regular guy. Your style is off the charts. All right, thank you. I tried to rattle you with the whole of your stuff.

You keep changing your interrogation techniques. It's not a good strategy.

Or.

The best. No, it's not.

Or it is.

No, it's not.

Or it is. No, but then it's still not.

The best. It is the best.

You can't.

Change it like that. It hurt my feelings.

Exactly. But later on, you're going to think he also complimented me. I don't know what I think. Then you're going to start crying and then you can confess to this terrible crime.

Okay, all right.

Thank you, Sam.

Am I done?

Okay, thank you. Am I done here? Please do not leave the stage. You're stone employee.

Thanks, Sam.

Okay, we just have one more and.

It's Chills. Yeah, Chills. Man, Chills.

His name is Chills. That right there feels a little red-airing. I feel like.

He can get away with anything because you value him so much, too.

I'm going to give everyone a little... Before Chills gets in here, I'm going to say my nickname for him is The Warrior. He's been with me. He started working for me two years into the show as an intern. He has been everywhere in the world with me. He'd do anything for me.

It's a long con.

Wow. You think it's a long con? Let's get him in here.

I think so. I mean, he does really seem to make this place go.

All right, Chills, good to see you. Friends, he said. Interesting. Now we're friends.

Snuck in here. He's quiet when he.

Walks in here. Dixie Cubs before it made me die. Great.

Hey, now he's flattering you. Yeah, look at that. Who's on trial here?

Look at that. Wow, look at that. He likes my bits.

Spoken like a true kidnapper.

Innocent. Okay, chills. Yes. You started working for me in what year? 96. 96, okay. It'll be 27 years in December. It has.

Nothing to do.

With David. Hold on a second. This is a man who I think loyalty and this incredible... I mean, talk about this, the record of this gentleman. You've been everywhere in the world with me. We've been through every adventure. You were on the old time you baseball remote? Yes. You've been in the trenches with me in so many different countries around the world? Yep. This guy, I call him the warrior, I can't believe he would do anything to harm me. And now I'm thinking about it. How does kidnapping, hopping really harm me?

Oh, he's your assistant.

Again, we've proven.

It's not about harming you. It's about getting your goddamn face off that wall.

I.

Walk in every day, and it's like seeing these pictures again for the first time. I love seeing those slides.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Come on, Chills. I don't believe it.

For a second. And you walk up those stairs and you see him as the Viking.

I've seen in-between takes, I've seen him come up to you and rough you up a little bit sometimes. That's what Brothers do. That's what Brothers do.

That's what Brothers do. He's pick up the paper balls that he throws around, all the ad copy that he...

Do you pick.

Those up?

This studio, I can run this thing, not run it, but I tend to it, make sure everything's smoothly. So yeah, I.

Clean up at the end. And you don't mind that.

That doesn't bother you? We clean up after ourselves. But Coleman doesn't clean up after himself. Doesn't that piss you off?

No. No, man. No, it's like Louis XVI didn't say, Oh, I'm sorry. I'll get I dropped that. I'll go get it. That's ridiculous. I totally agree. Yeah. I mean, this is Versailles. Chill. What's wrong, Louis? I might have dropped a put of my croisson. I should go get it and pick it up with you. Someone sees it. They shouldn't have to pick it up. I should do it. That was not Louis XVI. Where are all.

Your travel books? Do you know where they all are right now?

I know where they all are.

Do you?

Yes. Let's see those hands.

Pretty substantial. Let me see. Oh, my God. I can't tell you something about this guy. This guy has been wrangling props, dragging them through airports in Milan. Cables?

Cables?

No, I have nothing to do with cables.

You have access to the audio, Ken? I certainly don't.

I certainly have access, but there's a lot of people who have access. I'm in this room. I'm in the room next door, the control room all the time. But we wouldn't see everyone's coming and going.

You tiptoe around because you're conscious of the audio recording. You are furtive and in the shadows. I see. Yeah.

If I left that room for a second, this place would fall apart. I believe that. Yeah, I do, too. I believe that. I believe, and I've often said this to chills, when the end comes, it's probably going to be me and him alone. The last three will be Ross, me, and Chillz. But then Ross will get a call that his reservation came through at the restaurant, and he'll leave. And it'll be just chills and I as the monsters move in, the orcs. Jeff will be in an Uber headed off to La Tonsy. And then it'll just be the two of us. 100%. I am not going to accuse Chills. I just don't see it. I don't see it. It's impossible to me. You have.

Complimented every single person on this list.

Except Maddie. Now, Maddie, I grant you- Yes, you did. No, I know. What I said is that Maddie's talented. She's funny. I think she's going places. I'll do everything I can to help her with her comedy queer because I think she's got it. But I think she's a murderess.

I think she's too fresh. I think you need somebody who has seen you a lot, who's sick of you and your photos, and chills has been here the longest.

I just can't turn against chills. I'm with you. Not even if it's some comedy conceit. I won't. I won't do it.

As an outsider, I have the least bias on everybody here. And I do think that all the clues point to chills, and then you're denying them. But you must at least admit that you seem suspicious on paper, right?

Based on?

All the clues? Yeah.

When can I leave? I can't leave this room for a second. Also, can I tell you something else? I constantly walk around the neighborhood and I see all of you getting your parfays, your crème bouletes, having your Belgian waffles, toasting each other with glass and aparole spritzes. You all just goof off all the What are you talking about? I never see chills. That's true. I go days without eating.

That's true. You don't eat.

Yeah, he just sucks on his wool cap and gets some of the old beef broth from our Ireland remote. But you're.

On the move a lot with Conan and things change up. The shoots change and you have to be the one who changes everything. Right. Isn't that piss you off?

No, I love what I do. I love working for this guy.

Yeah, man, you had the glazed-over-look of a hostage.

You do. You're really complimenting him a lot right now.

I just can't… It's not chills. And if it is chills, I would pardon him, and then I would help him kill Hock. Oh, my God.

Okay, let's release chills because we got to figure this out.

Shills, I got your back, man. I'm not going to let them. I'll never turn against you.

Please don't leave the state.

Okay.

Well, time's up. You had an hour to figure out my identity. And what did you do? You spent it arguing amongst yourselves. Pathetic and unsurprising. Well, I guess it's time to hear your accusation. Who do you think I am? Cue the dramatic royalty for your music, please. Oh, boy.

Well, you can tell it's royalty-free because it's really not fun to listen to. Who would put a royalty on this piece of shit? I know.

Just sounds like I'm watching you.

Selling some shit. This is like a whale's EKG.

It's.

Royalty free. You will get no money from this. There's only one- Here's what we know about the kidnapper. Very uneven in the music field.

There's paper, there's merch, there's cable.

The kidnapper was able to leave work during the day. The kidnapper was sneaky and strong. Hopping was being kept near a pile of merch. Hopping was tied up with audio cables. Who has access to the audio cabinet? The kidnapper was throwing paper balls at Hopping. There were travel books for Norway, Thailand, stacked up in the back. Only one suspect has a motive, a means.

And an opportunity. Well, I'm going to say I agree that a lot of things can point to chills, but he did not have the opportunity. He really can't leave. I think you're right. I think.

That-sorry, Chills. I was wrong about you.

Eduardo can't leave. I mean, Eduardo can't leave during the podcast either.

No.

It has to be not just the whole day, but it's during.

The podcast essentially. I think it's during the day they can't leave because I think these threats were all pre-.

During the day, Chills can leave during.

The day. He really can.

But I'm.

Getting signals from- You can't go outside in L. A. With a wool hat on and not get picked up by a car, a police car. So I'm going to say it's not Chills, but it could be Eduardo.

Eduardo can't leave.

He's doing this. I'm saying it's not Chills for sure. Could it possibly be Eduardo? Yeah. Yeah, but I'm going to say no, it's not. It's not Eduardo. Now I know who my suspect is.

I think we all know who your suspect is.

Yeah. It's because I think there needs to be less people in comedy so that I can flourish. And she threatens me.

You've already done it for a long time. I know, but you know what?

You've established yourself. I talked to my doctor the other day and he said, I have a good six years of life left and I want to use that. I know I was shocked, too. That's not a lot. He said six max.

Oh, man, I'm going to get.

Another job. So anyway, yeah, I don't know. I have mine. I have mine. It's up the high.

My mine is that Ruth has the motive, the means, and the opportunity. Her motive is she has to take pictures of you all the time. She can leave and she has access to the audio cabinet. But then there's the paper balls and the travel books.

But also strong hands.

Strong hands, right.

Now, I.

Don't mean- Strong hands from pressing photograph pictures all day.

Pressing them? What do you mean pressing them?

Pressing them? What is she doing with them?

You know. Taking pictures. Her finger's.

Flexing off. I thought you meant she had a giant Ben Franklin press.

You guys, I'm going to say it's Eduardo. There, I'm saying it. I'm saying it. Okay. Okay. Eduardo was my suspect.

All right, well, Eduardo, I refuse to say it's you. Thanks. I love you, man. I just think, God, he's very good looking. Sorry, that's confusing. I think, yeah, Ruthie. But God, I've been with Ruthie so long, that would be such a betrayal. We don't.

Have to agree, right? We don't have to have a- You have to agree. It has.

To be one person.

You all have to agree.

Guys, Maddie, come on. I'm mad.

She's nuts.

She's crazy. Who wants to be in comedy as a profession? I know you have to be sick to do that.

She doesn't have access to the audio cabinet. What does she care about paper balls and travel books?

Yes. Oh, I guess that eliminates her. Well, it's not for a reason. Damn, that was a terrible put down. That was just logical what I said to you. But I said it like it was a put down. Oh, man. You're right. Maybe it's not Maddie. I want it.

To be Maddie. Chills or Eduardo? I'm sorry. I know you got a chills bony, but I think it might be chills. He checks off every bot.

Except he can't leave.

He can't leave. It's not chills. And also, I can't live in a world where it's chills. I can't. This isn't real.

God, I hope it's chills.

It is real. I hope it's chills. No, I'm telling you, if we all have to agree, bark up another tree, it's not chills.

I won't do it. Can you agree that Eduardo has all of.

The- Sure, I'll throw him down the deepest hole. I don't care.

He can't really leave either, though.

But are we saying during the podcast recordings? I thought we said.

During the day. No, just during the day. Eduardo can leave. I've seen.

Him go get lunch. I'm getting signals from the guy who created this whole show that he can't leave.

Okay. All right. So it's not Eduardo. I'm telling you it's not Chills. Just throw that away. So who's left?

We never went back to Lisa, who has seen- Or Sam. Yeah, Lisa is dealing with your fans all the time. She always looks at photos of you and has to deal with people who love you. She has access to everything.

Does she? I don't know. The audio cabinet? Sam does. Sam can leave. Does Sam have a motive? And does she paper balls and travel?

I do think I'm going to.

Say this- -paper balls and travel.

I've noticed a lot of times I make my jokes and quips, and I'm always doing bits and stuff and everyone's laughing. Sam, not so much.

You can't penalize someone.

No, not penalize. But I do know that Sam has that... She's very young. She's in the corner. She's got cool style. And she's just staring at me like, Keep laughing, laughy man. Keep laughing away. I'll see you in your coffin one day. That's the look I get from her.

I have a new respect for Sam. Well, you know what?

Lisa has, I think, motive because you abuse her brother all the time. But she hates-.

But she doesn't like her brother.

You throw paper at him. No, I.

Think you got it because then the travel books and paper all relate to Blake.

He leaves. He goes on those- I think it's Lisa. -things on.

Those- That's actually interesting. That's interesting. Yes. Lisa is related to Blake. Yes. Blake goes on the travel shows. She sees me throwing paper at him all the time. I do assault him. You beat him. Well, I beat him within an inch of his life. Yes. Which I think employers are allowed to do to employees. No, no, no, no. Oh, you're not supposed to. You're not supposed to. Okay, good. Okay, from now on, no more.

Should we go with Lisa?

I think it's Lisa. I think it's Lisa. Let's go with Lisa. I want it to be Maddie because I really want to nip that career in the bud.

I want it to be chills just to see your heartbreak.

I know. But let's do Lisa. I think we have to accuse Lisa. Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

Wrong.

No! Like I promised, you'll never see Hopping again. But I'm not killing him. Oh, no. No, no, no. I'm sending him to Hawaii, where he'll live out the rest of his days in paradise, aka, away from you three.

Later, suckers.

Now it's time for me to come into the studio and reveal myself. Okay.

This is exciting. What if it's David? I'm so excited. I'm excited. I actually am quite excited. Actually, this is well done. I have to say this is well done. And I don't like...

Is well done. Oh, it's Ruthie. Ruthie, you devil.

Ruthie.

Oh, my God!

Ruthie!

Oh, my God!

You were my first pick.

I know you were on to me from.

The start. You know what? I couldn't care about you too much. I know I like you. She's been in my corner for so long and you betray. Well, actually, again, I don't care that much about hopping, so whatever. You don't care about the ball. Hey, you go, girl.

Oh, my God.

What's the paper balls and travel books?

Red Herring. Oh, you asshole.

You son of a bitch.

Yeah, that's called bad writing. Yeah. You know, she.

Came in here. She had the attitude of someone who was guilty, too.

You know what? You know what? Blaire, you crafted this whole thing, right? Yeah. I love that if Clay were a mystery writer and he did a murder on The Orange Express and at the end, the answer was, Nobody. They're not even on the train. What? No, it's that guy you lived 80 years later. The trains are Red Herring.

I would be all for Red Herring, but the stuff you gave us to read that are meta below the performance are saying, Here's a clue. Here's a clue.

Clues have to make some sense.

I mean, the paper and the travel books and really the cable just don't apply to Ruthie at all.

But who had the motive means an opportunity?

She had.

The.

Motive, clicks.

More clicks.

She had the means because.

She keeps.

Her.

Camera.

In the audio cabinet with the things.

And she has the opportunity, which you never asked.

Her about. She parks in the street a lot, so she has to go move her car all the time.

Well, I got to say this. My favorite part of every Agatha Christie novel is where Agatha Christie would afterwards yell at all the readers. Hey, wait a minute. No, it makes perfect sense. They're all on the island. No, shut up. Shut up. It makes perfect sense because the science is... No, shut up. Well, that was fun. I have to say that was fun.

Is.

David okay? Who cares? Blah, blah, blah.

These videos are going to do great on social.

Guilty. Guilty. Man, I did. I really wanted it to be Maddie.

You really did. You have it out for Maddie.

I'm sorry. When I see talent, I have to squelch it.

Well, let's give a big round of applause to Blake.

Thanks. Good job, Blake.

This was all his idea and his execution. Great job, everyone.

Sorry about the red herrings. Nice job, everyone. No, you did what you had to do. You clearly put some thought into this. Next time we'll know better. No, good job, Blake. And that was fun. You know what? I enjoyed the hopping. Yeah, me too. It's all about that.

Title, baby.

I want to do it again. Excellent job. And you're fired. Yeah.

I love you guys. I had a nice working here. You can try to get in to jail with you. All right. Well, thank you.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonum O'Sessian and Matt Gordy. Produced by Matt Gordley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, nick Leau, and Jeff Ross at Team Coker. And Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Ear Wolf. Original theme song by The White Stripes with this cover and all incidental music by Aaron Blaire. Take it away, Blaire. Okay, that was a bit mistaken. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blaire, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Edwardo Perez. Additional production support by Mars Melnik. Talent book by Paula Davis, Gina Bautista, and Breykom. You can read and review the show on Apple Podcast and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan, call the Tukoko Hotline at 669-587-28-47 and leave a message. It, too, could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Colonel O'Brien, me to friend or other spooky podcast you've downloaded. And just remember, every moment you spent listening to this podcast is another moment that brought you closer to the grave.