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Hello and welcome to a special episode. Conan O'Brien needs a friend. This is a little different. Today is the day after Valentine's Day.

Special day.

Did you have a nice Valentine's Day, Sona? I did. Did your husband get you anything nice?

Yeah. Okay. He got me a- You're acting very weird. Almost as if we tape this before Valentine's Day, and you are completely unable to pretend.

Doesn't he usually get you flowers or something?

He got me flowers.

And your favorite chocolate?

Yeah, that's such good chocolate. And then he got me... We ate at a restaurant. Wow.

Compelling story. No one tells it like you. What about you, Matt? Well, you have a nice Valentine's Day, even though we're taping ahead of time. But was it a good Valentine's Day? Yeah, we ate at the top of the Empire State Building and then watched taken on a blimp.

Nice. Okay. Oh, we're making shit up then? No. Okay. Well, I went to Paris. I just got back this morning. Oh, really? Yeah.

We went to Paris. Did you meet your French character? And what did he sound like? Yeah.

He was like, Welcome to Paris.

Oh, my God. Welcome. Happy Valentine's Day to you, America. Can't believe you didn't make it as an improviser.

They don't do Valentine's Day in Paris.

Have you ever thought of auditioning for Sign Out Live, just doing your French character and just taping a big fake mustache under your nose?

Yeah, I should. I'll arrange it. A big fake mustache? What does a mustache do?

It's just your French guy.

My French guy doesn't have a mustache. He's clean-shaven.

Oh, then he's not French. Okay. Listen, it is the day after Valentine's Day, a very special day for many where they are either sad about their lonely Valentine's Day or are quite delighted with the romance of that very special time.

Or happy with their non-relationship Valentine's Day.

That's the third one I was getting to. I didn't mean to make it sound like there were only two. Oh, no. No, that was just me getting to the big and I think the best one, which is being very happy, being just on your own for the time being or forever, whichever you prefer. And either one's okay.

We have limited time.

Anyway, I should point out this is a 15-hour segment. We have a special guest joining us today, someone who works on the show, the podcast podcast here at the podcast company. Podcast Empire, really, if you will. More of a conglomerate. That's like seeing standard oil. It's just an oil company. Well, no, it really is an octopus, if you will. Takes Teddy Roosevelt has to break it up. But that's not the point. The point is Sam is here. Hi, Sam. How are you? Hi, I'm good. Were you waiting for me to get around to the point of this whole podcast?

Yeah, I've been here a while.

Yeah, let's see. We watched you get older as you've been sitting here. Sam, you're quite young, and you've been working here at Konan O'Brien Needs a friend for how long?

Like two and a half years, I think.

You're having a good time? Sure.

Okay. She's not going to say no.

But she meant no.

She wasn't very enthusiastic at all.

Very much behaving like a prisoner of war making a tape. But anyway, Sam, what is your job title here? I understand you recently got a promotion.

I did. I am now the social media producer. Oh, very nice.

Very good. Well, you do a terrific job. Thank you. I like working with you and with Ruthie very You guys are cool, and you seem to tolerate me. Your vibe very much is I will tolerate Konan.

Yeah, I feel that.

Anyway, it's a pleasure working with you as well, Sam. Sam, we had you in here because rumor, and you know how people talk in an office, rumors that you are freshly single. I am. Anything you want to say about that as backstory?

It was a short one.

Well, like I said, you're young. This is what you're supposed to be doing. Just be meeting different people.

Hitting it and quitting it. Hell, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Clowing and- Okay, take it easy.

Chowin? Chowin? I don't know. I wasn't going anywhere.

That was awful. Clowing and chowin. That's fantastic. Sam, you went through this breakup. You are newly single. I don't know. I've been married for a long time, and so I don't know anything about the dating apps. Are you on the apps?

No. No?

Are you thinking of going on an app?

Yeah, I feel ready.

Are you averse to an app or you're ready to do it?

No, that is how I historically have dated.

Most young people I meet today use dating apps, and many of them quite successfully.

Oh, yeah. My last two relationships were from the apps.

Is there an app that you favor in particular? This is not a commercial, so you can say whatever you want. We're not getting paid by anybody.

Bumble is a good one. I like that. Hinge is good. Tinder is bad. Stay away from Tinder.

Tell me, What is it? I just want to know as a friend, an employer, and a pervy guy, what's the problem with Tinder?

It feels very hit it and quit it. Clow it and chow it. Clow it and chow it. It's just a little scary.

Bag it.

Okay, they're off the door. Bag it. Bag it.

Bag it used to be like, let's get out of here. You shag and then you bag. No.

No. It sounds like you shag it and then you're murder it and then you put it in a bag.

That's implied. Listen, if that's your thing, that's what happens. If you're going to murder someone, you got to clean up after yourself. You like Bumbel? Yeah. You're taking notes here. Remember, if you murder, always clean up. Okay. I want to be that I'm not going to say yes, say if you murder, I'll be the smokey the bear is to what forest fires.

We hope you don't have to murder, but if you do- If you do, hey, keep it clean.

Someone else is going to rent that apartment. Hey, that crawl space might be needed by someone else. Okay, so Bumble, and I hear a lot of good things about Hinge. Hinge is a good one.

Hinge is great.

How can we help you? I want to help you. I know that you are indifferent to me, but I like you. I really like that you work at the company. You're bringing your creativity and your social media smarts and benefiting us. I want to help you. What do you think I could do to help?

I think help me with my prompts and all that.

Okay, let's do that. Designing it.

We could actually bring this profile up on the screen. We've done a little bit of- Do we have that technology?

We do. Okay. Oh, look at that.

There I am.

You look great, Sam.

These are beautiful photos. Thank you.

I love that. I love those photos. Okay, so I'm looking at your Bumble Date profile. Those are really nice pictures. Thank you. I would just like to put in my own comment about Sam, which is incredibly cool, and you seem to give a very amazing sense of humor. Oh, thank you. I think that's the cone and seal of approval. But let's go through the prompts and tell me how I can help.

I'm surprised you're not telling her to put a picture up of you.

I know.

Well, if you want to get some clicks, what would be the best version of you in her photo?

Not just a selfie, but how can we be creative where it's like, maybe you're deep in the background staring down the camera or something like that. So it's just an odd- He's a lurker.

We could take that now. We could take one now.

You know what would be funny? What if Sam is pushing me in a wheelchair and her hobby is taking care of Conan O'Brien, who's much more infirm than you think he is? It just raises a lot of question. It would get a... First of all, you come across as very caring in this. Her hobby.

It's a hobby. Is there one we could shoot right now?

What about I'm bringing you a drink? Like, I work for you. Yeah.

Oh, that'd be great.

Want to do that? You're going to help us out here. I could be handing this mug. The mug?

Yeah.

Sure. Then I'm going to be bringing you a drink. Do I have the headphones on for this?

Absolutely. Okay.

I don't know why. And, Bley, you do this away from my microphone, but I think my dulcetones still. Here we go.

I love your hands ready to accept.

There we go. Okay, that is me humbly serving you, Sam. I'm obsequuous. I'm hoping that I please the Almighty Sam.

We should choose that as the main photo, I think.

Okay, so that's going to go on as a photo. That's very good. And then what's next? You young people, and I'm including everyone in this room who's not me. Okay. What's next, guys?

All right, so interests. You want to add some interests? Yeah. Sam, here's some interest. Here are the different categories of interest. We have self-care, sports, creativity, going out, staying in, film and TV. There's a lot of them.

Can I quickly say something? I worry that if there's too much stuff in the self-care area, it's going to send a signal that I'm neurotic. Do you know what I mean? I spend a lot of time taking care of myself and thinking about myself. That's why I'm a complete novice. This is just me shooting from the hip.

Sure. What do you think? I do care about myself, though. You do? Yeah.

But I would say, let's just not go crazy on this and check every one.

So maybe just sleeping well.

No, you could be more than One. You can pick as many as you want.

I go to therapy.

Okay, so do I. Yeah, we can do that. Clearly, if anyone's listening to the podcast, they haven't been in a while. Sleeping well in therapy. I think those are fine ones.

What if a guy is like, I really want a girl who could have a deep chat because I feel like Sam's deep.

Okay.

We could do that. I'm not going to force it.

No, but deep chats, this is so preliminary that I would worry that deep chats implies that that's going be expected on the first date.

Okay.

That's fine.

I'm not seeing hit it and quit it on there.

No, wait. I'm seeing- Cloud and chowet. Guess what? I'm seeing sex positivity, though. If I did this, I'd be sex negativity. Very It's negative. The whole thing just freaks me out. What a freak show. Okay, sports. What are your sports?

None.

All right.

Already, you'd be a hit for me.

Oh, this one you're going to kill because I know you're creative.

Thank you. I like art.

Yes, you do.

And crafts, making videos. That's a big part of my job.

What videos? I know you make them for us, but do you do it on your free time?

Yeah, for myself.

All right, but does it ever impinge on what I'm paying you for? Oh, my God. Maybe.

Maybe I post from here sometimes.

Okay, well, that's something we have to discuss. That's an A-turn meeting.

Photography. Going out.

Let's go to going out. Yeah. Well, everyone goes out, right?

I don't go out very often. Do you go to bars? Not really.

Do you go café hopping? What? Does that mean... What if you go to one café and just hop up and down? That's the café hopping I do. Monsieur, please, if you could move on. Where's your fake mustache? Is your call back to Sonja's French impression? Yes, it is. It's called a callback. No cafe hopping, no bars, clubs? No. I haven't been to a club in my life. Concerts? You like music?

Yeah, you could put concerts. That's fine.

Put concerts down.

Wait, guys, you can only... We've reached our limit. You've chosen all five.

What?

You can only have five interests. Are you kidding me?

Are you able to enter your own?

You have to choose theirs. I think you have to choose theirs. This is a scam. But where do you Dates, pets, traveling.

These are your most-Oh, wait a minute.

We did this all wrong.

I didn't realize you can only put in five. How do you date if you can only say five things about yourself? I can leave it blank.

I don't put anything in here.

Oh, this is Joe, the engineer.

I think we should have been talking to her all along. You sound like you know what you're talking about.

Joe's very cool. I trust her.

Yeah, Joe is super cool. What's the strategy for putting in nothing?

I just do photos all from the same room. What? Why? What do you mean? Just use the same room, just different parts of the room, and then a bio, and that's it.

So the zero effort adds an air of mystery.

I think just people ask you more questions about why you're in the same room.

I I like what I'm hearing. Maybe we don't check any of these.

Yeah, take them off. Take them off. I trust her.

Joe, why didn't you say anything while we were completely screwing this up? You're so chill that you neglected to help us.

But some people like to put their interest in there, and then you just have to answer a lot of questions about basketball.

Okay.

Even if your interest is cafe hopping.

Cafe hopping, that's weird, right?

Yeah, that's really weird. I don't know. I love it.

I just want to use- You love it.

I love cafe hopping. It describes my life in my 20s with cafe hopping.

Yeah. Okay, we got to move along. We don't have much time for this.

All right. Joe, do you think we have profile prompts? Then do you want to add a prompt?

Yeah, I would add a prompt.

Okay, now this says, Pick a profile prompt. It's the perfect opportunity to show a little more of your personality.

I'm hoping you- But keep it simple.

Guarantee that a non-negotiable- You pick one.

Me? Yeah, pick one out.

A non-negotiable would be if you're not a Konan fan.

No, that's fine. No. Actually, it would be weird if they were a big Konan fan.

But don't you think- Wait. Hold it. Why?

Because then I would feel like they're trying to date me to get to you. I think that's going to happen already now that we've done this. No, I know.

No, that was always my big thing was I never was sure what guy's intentions were.

Tack is always trying to talk to me and write me and hit me up for various cone and memorabilia.

Sometimes he makes me put a cone and mask on. Oh, my God. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

I asked Liza to wear one. Can you put that out?

See, when I took this job, my wife left me.

Liza, put on that cone and mask. No, no. Listen, no, we won't mention me at all. I mean, I'm in the photo.

When you wake up well-rested on a great mattress, everything becomes clear.

I do overthink everything.

Things you missed when you were tired finally reveal themselves.

I You could just get fake plants.

It's the President's Day sale at Mattress Firm. Get a king bed for a queen price. Save up to $700 plus a free-adjustable base with select Sealy mattresses. See a lower price? We'll match it. The right mattress matters. We'll find yours. Restrictions apply. See store our website for details.

What's your My Real Life superpower is?

It has to be clever.

How about It's like a real superpower. She's got one. My favorite My Favorite Real Life superpower is, I can fly at the speed of light, and if I circle the Earth backwards, I can make it go back in time.

I always heal and have Adamantium bones.

Yeah. That's a funny one. Oh, that's-giant endomanteum spikes come out of my knuckles. I am Wolverine. Do you say nothing. I think it's endomanteum.

What's that? Just say no powers, no super powers.

Okay, we're being told by Joe to knock it out.

Take it out.

Wait, the goal here is celibacy forever, isn't it? Isn't the goal here to live and die alone? That's what I thought we were doing.

The only hits you're going to get are me, Konan and Sona.

That's what you want to say? No. That's what I have on mine.

Yeah, but Joe, come on. I'm serious. How's it working for you?

It literally worked. I have a boyfriend.

Oh, my You didn't tell me you had a boyfriend. Everyone's supposed to report this shit to me. Why would he tell you?

That's creepy rule number nine in the cone and code book.

Oh, what? You're in a bathtub, in an empty bathtub, and it's just the description says, Don't hate me if I, and your answer is just don't.

Can I see?

I don't think that's going to work for me.

That's very on brand for Joe, though.

Yes. But notice how all the photos are in the bathroom.

When you said a room, you meant the bathroom.

But Joe, you I have a very specific thing going on, and I'm worried that it's not Sam's thing.

Oh, my God. Yeah, that's true.

I'm not as cool as Joe.

Well, no, you're cool in a different way. You're just cool in a different way. Oh, my God.

These look like American apparel ads.

Yeah, they really do.

You're wearing- A lot of people are like, Why are these in the bathroom? And then you got to be like, Yeah, then you can talk about it.

Because I live in a bathroom. You want to date me?

Yeah. Did you ever mention that if you kill someone in the tub, the cleanup is very easy? Oh, yeah. All right, let's just move on. Okay, Sam, you got to help us out here. What are you seeing here? What makes me feel grounded? I'm a real nerd about...

Yoga. I'm a yoga teacher. That's cool. I like that.

That is good. But are you cool attracting yoga dudes? Is that a breed? Yeah. Okay, good.

I would like to go to yoga with my partner. Okay. Yeah, I'll take anything. Okay.

I'm a real nerd about yoga. Oh, this is good. You know what?

I don't like the exclamation point. I know. I know, Blake. I know that you love exclamation points. I'm sorry.

Why do you always put exclamation points? Every text from Blae is like, Sorry, your dad died. Exclamation point.

I will say I e-mailed you about something, and there was an exclamation point. You said, Hey, I'm getting you some... I'm allowing this exclamation point because it's your birthday. Then you sent me a follow-up email like two hours later.

Here's your birthday present.

It was just a bunch of exclamation points.

I put a lot of thought into my put-downs. Okay, I like that. I'm really about yoga. Yes, this is good.

I'm just a real nerd about yoga, period? You tell me this is your dating profile.

I like the teacher part.

Okay, thank you. I like your teacher part.

Yes, that's cool. I'm a yoga teacher. What you got?

You can put an emoji instead of a period. Oh, no.

Okay, well, I also don't know.

That's not Sam style. Yeah.

Okay. We got to keep it Sam.

Okay, here we go.

Okay, so now the next section is my opening move. Start your chats with an opening move.

Okay.

I don't So this says, you're in control. Set your move once, and we'll take it from there. We'll add it to your profile and send it to all new chats? Is that what you want? So this is like an auto reply? Yeah.

That's crazy. I think this is a nightmare. I think you people live in a hellscape. Yeah.

Let's get to Let's get to the meat of this, which is your bio.

Oh, here we go. We want to write a fun and punchy bio. This is what people are going to see. They're going to see your photo, and they're going to see your bio. So this is important.

Okay, well, it's cool. You work in a very cool place. It's okay to mention that.

Start with All right. I work at a really cool place. Should I just brag in the whole bio?

No, I think that's fine. Joe, we shouldn't mention anything about her working with her.

I wouldn't put stuff about work.

Okay.

It's safe to say there's nothing about Coden in your bio.

Yeah. Okay. You don't have your job on your profile? I have my job, yeah. Okay. But not in my bio.

Do you feel like you need to disclose that you work here?

Sort of like, you knew I was working. You The next thing is- You knew I had been in prison. Oh, the next thing is work. So you're okay. So what's your bio? What do you want them to know about you?

God, I don't know. I feel like I'm a very chill and- You are the chillest person I've ever met.

Really? Yeah.

I feel like that's important because I can't have someone with really intense energy. Why are you working with me then? It's hard.

I come into a room and there's heat coming off of me and I'm babbling like a chimp on crack. I always see you in the corner and you're always shaking your head slowly like, no grasshopper, no. That's good. You should say that she's...

You could be like, Don't be like Konan.

Wait, don't mention Konan. But if you do mention Konan, it's Don't be like Konan. That's great.

Yeah, but I work for Konan. I'm looking for someone who's not like Konan. Yeah.

Okay, we could do that. I'm looking for someone who's not like Konan. Then how about parentheses, Keep in mind, is very kind, generous, and sensitive. Oh, God. But his energy sometimes is a little tightly coiled. I think you got to put something in there so people don't think I'm a monster. We can't have anyone saying I'm a monster.

You're a very kind person.

He's very kind and generous.

Then can you put in brackets, he made me write that?

Yes, thank you. That's what I was looking for. That's not something a normal person says. It's important for people to know you did this.

Konan made me write that last part. Yeah, say that, Konan made me write that last part. He's crazy. Please help me.

I never wanted to do this. I'm in a relationship.

It's right, W-R-I-T-E. Would you say to me? That's embarrassing. Oh, Clay.

Sorry. Oh, Clay.

Conan made me write that last part. I just think it's good if it just keeps going with with Konan just making you do this.

He's here with me now. Yeah. Call the police.

He's here with me now. He may come on our first date.

On our first date.

I'm not going to press it.

A lot of pressure on our first date.

He just wrote, Come in our first date. Gross. This is a nightmare. Joe, what happened? This is a nightmare profile.

That's good. Did you say I'm DTF?

No, I said, If he does, he's DTF. For me.

Like, in my stead.

Okay, how's this?

Your bio. I'm very chill. I work for Konan, and I'm looking for someone who's not like Konan. He's a very kind and generous person. Aero pointing to that. Konan made me write that last part. He's here with me now. He may come on our first day.

Okay, good.

I think there needs to be a little bit more Konan. No?

He's very kind. Okay, work. See above.

Here we go.

When When we say Jess Konan, do you think people will know that's you?

Oh, she works for Konan gray? I don't think so.

That would be great.

That would be pretty cool. Okay. Oh, yeah. That would be cool.

He's really cool.

This is looking for a relationship, something casual, don't know yet, marriage or skip?

Who puts down marriage?

I'll put marriage. No joke. What's that? I'm serious. Are you ready to get married?

Yeah.

Are you serious?

I'm 31. I'm about to be 31.

What's your height?

Five feet.

Five feet.

I like it. Just five. Perfect.

All right. Do you want to answer the rest of these questions? Yeah, do it. All right. Do you work out? Yeah.

She's a yoga instructor. She is active.

She's a yoga instructor. Zodiac sign. Do you think this is important?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, you got to do it. Big time. Yeah. I'm a Pisces.

I was going to guess Pisces.

Oh, okay. Were you? Yeah.

You seem like a Pisces.

Thank you. That's a compliment. I have an undergraduate. Yeah. All right.

That's good.

It fits. It's good. Do you drink? Do you drink? Rarely.

Okay. Boo.

Do you smoke?

Is that a cigarette?

I know.

Yeah. Cannabis is its own cannabis.

Okay.

No.

How do you use cannabis? Yes.

Well, frequently- Frequently.

Frequently feels dramatic. They don't have a yes.

Oh my God. Ideal plans for children?

Yeah. What do you want? You want kids?

Yeah.

That's nice. You'd be a great mom.

We don't need to say this. This is first date convo. Well, I don't know.

We're not first-date. Joe, I mean, what about this? Did you get into this with people?

Yeah, I think it's better to just say that, especially if you don't want kids. I do.

Yeah, it's good if people find... You don't want to be telling someone three years in that you never want children if they really want kids.

Yeah, it's got to come up.

Okay. All right. I think we're done. I think we got it here. Should we recap? There's the main photo.

There I am serving you your... Oh, no, it's cut off.

I got to be perfect, though, because they got to know.

They got to know that it's there. Yeah.

Oh, That's true. Yeah, they could see.

I'm cut off.

I love it.

That's so funny.

Yeah. And then let's see. Oh, and then just for work, it says see above.

Oh, my God. I work for a fraction of a man.

I'm very chill. I work for Konan, and I'm looking for someone who's not like Konan. He's a very generous person. Konan may be right that part. He's here with me now. You may come on our first date. Okay. And then your basics, 5 feet, active. You're a Pisces, undergraduate degree, drink rarely, smoke never. You're a woman, you're socially do cannabis.

What about cannabis? Oh, yeah, socially cannabis.

Then you want marriage. Here's some other great photos. I'm a real nerd about yoga. I'm a yoga teacher. That's right before your yoga photo. That's great.

All right, there we go. Maybe what we can do is if you have any hits, we can do a second follow-up for this.

I will say I think it's good that it cuts your face off because it makes you want to tap into it like I just did. You're like, Who is that? That looks like Konan.

It doesn't look enough like me. There it is. There it is. There you go.

All right. All can recenter it so it's more in the thing.

Okay, well. You cut out Sam. So that's Konan's in the picture.

Then suddenly, I'm filling out the questions. 6'4, 200 pounds. I think you're going to get some interesting responses. Yeah, we'll see. I will say seriously, and I'm going to say it again, Sam's wonderful. You have a very cool aura. Oh, thank you. As do you, Joe, by the way. I have to say, though, and Sona, won't you say, the women that work here are very cool? Oh, yeah. We just go through the whole... Tanesha and Ebi. We've got a squad here that is very impressive.

A lot of very strong, very opinionated And everyone quite happy to give me shit all the time. Yes. I think you do it on purpose. I think you are drawn to women who... Because I think- Who loathe me.

Who loathe me, yeah. Well, I think we're going to get to... And then you should come back and we'll see what happens. We'll see what happens. But I'm excited. Thank you. Because I know nothing about dating apps, and I think this was the worst thing you could possibly do. So I'm curious to see what happens.

Good luck to you. What do you mean? Dating app is the... Oh, Coming here for advice? No, no, no.

Meaning, yeah, Coming here for advice.

This is terrible. This is a terrible decision.

You should have gone right to Joe. I know. You should probably talk privately to Joe. Yeah. You guys will straighten a lot of things out. I got you. Yeah. Okay. I'm scared. All right, Sam, best of to you, and I look forward to the recap.

I look forward to meeting your future partner.

I know, my husband. Or wife.

It doesn't matter, man. It's all good.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ofsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson at EarWolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take a Take it away, Jimmy. Our Supervising producer is Erin Blair, and our Associate Talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Will Becton. Talent Booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brit Kohn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Konan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It, too, could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Konan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.