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[00:00:03]

So you spent time in your life looking for apartments, right? A lot, yeah, a lot of time looking for apartments, man apartments, dotcom. Isn't that a great site? I've used it and I've gotten the place through there. They've got the most places go to their website. They've the most places. 40 million people have found their apartment there. 40 million. That's a lot. Yes, that's a lot of anything except Atom's. I'm sorry.

[00:00:30]

It's just not a lot of atoms, but anything else. It's a lot of visit apartments, dot com to find your next place. Seriously, just do it. Let's not fight about this apartment. Dotcom, the most popular place to find a place.

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Hi, my name is Debbie, come out, Bill and I feel cautiously optimistic, but not so great about being Conan O'Brien.

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Oh yes. Back to school when the bell, new shoes walking on the fence. Welcome to Conan O'Brien needs a friend, this is the start of season three of this podcast. I cannot believe it's been three seasons already. It is just flying by because it is honestly no joke. One of the most fun experiences I've ever had. I'm really enjoying it. And here are two of the people that add a lot to the joy of doing this job.

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I medicated, by the way, that's why I'm coming across my assistant. Stonham assassination. Hi, how are you? It's good to be back. He's good. He's in three. It is good to be back.

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And and of course, our producer. Engineer. You're not an engineer. You're a producer extraordinaire, does a very good job. He's the maestro. I call him Matt Gallie. And I think that's because it's your name, right? Yeah. You do that well. Oh, that's my name. I thought I thought I'd come up with an interesting nickname. And then I later someone told me, no, that's just your name. It's actually. Yeah, well, it's good to be back.

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I have to say, I don't know if it's because of and I think maybe it is partially because of quarantine and everything, but also because I really love doing this. I didn't want to be away from it that long. It's it's really fun. And boy, am I don't seem to connect with people. We did a podcast a couple of weeks ago with Tom Hanks is just kind of a surprise. And some people might think, well, why wasn't that the start of the season?

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And I think it's because he's not a big enough star.

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You know, we need to aim higher. Yeah, I was IMDB him and it was like I guess I guess you've done stuff. Yeah. I'm still not sure who he is. I know that was an amazing that was just a treat for the middle of the summer, but I am really excited to be back. Yeah. And I promise this season to be a little less filtered, a little less kind and polite to the both of you know.

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Yeah. Pretty drastic change.

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No I we will be not as respectful as you are. Travis, to you. Yeah. Your solemn oath is that you will treat me like a deserter. Yeah. You know, it's funny, I come from home and we're working at Earhole Studios here in Los Angeles and no one's here. Everything's been cleaned. We're doing it very responsibly. And Gawley, you are not with me right now. No. And still you are with me. But as you are more than six feet, which is the way you've always liked it.

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Yeah, I always like to maintain this distance, at least not even six. At least ten feet. Yeah. You know, when I met Seona, she said ten feet please. And that was ten years ago before. So she, she knew something but no. So it's really nice to be here. But it's funny, I get the same amount of I want to say contempt, sort of healthy skepticism from everybody. So I'm at home with my kids.

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My son is fourteen and everything is boomer. Boomer, any time I make a mistake, he's on me and my daughter is really good at a kill you like and they're not interested. And not long ago my wife wasn't in the house and I was there and I was in charge and I tried to do a bit with them. And so it's like kids, kids, let's get together. And I really committed to it come. Everybody came here and they both came together and they're like, what?

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And they and my my son said, is this a bit or is it real? And I really committed to it. And I said, guys, no, I'm really serious. Look, and when I said, look, they both went to bed and walked away and it was a bit I was going to go on a long bit about how I don't feel. I'm being given the respect that your mother gets. And it wasn't serious, but it's because I put up my hands in a little bit of a little bit of a tail.

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I put on my hands and went, look. And they were both both at the same time, said, it's a bit and walk there. So they've developed a bit.

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Da da. I remember when my daughter was four, she said something like I said, like, well I think we're gonna have a really this is going to be really good. And my daughter, who's four at the time, said, cut to what happened. I said to my God, yeah, well, I'm excited we're back. Yeah. And I'm very excited because today yesterday is a absolutely hilarious comedian and writer who is the host and executive producer of the Emmy Award winning CNN series United Shades of America.

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He's also the author of the book The Awkward Thoughts of W. Kamau Bell and has a standup special on Netflix, private school Negro. I'm thrilled he is with us.

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W. Kamau Bell, welcome. OK, I understand cautiously optimistic, because that should be anyone's approach to me. I understand that. But what do you mean not so great? What's that all about?

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I don't know if it's a real invitation code, and I understand it's a podcast, but in this time of coronavirus and pandemic, I can use a new friend. But I feel like maybe this is just the hustle, but which is fine. But I just want to be prepared for that.

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If it is a hostile is my side hustle. I understand. I understand.

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And I only know that term because Seona is always talking about her side hustle. And so I love that term. I mean, I'm always saying, why were you late and should be like I was doing your voiceover for an animated cartoon and it's my side hustle. And so, yes, my side hustle might be getting you to be my friend.

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Maybe I'll give you some new terminology. I will be your side piece to your side that I've always dreamed of a side piece, but but I thought it was like a side piece of land that I would own. It was adjacent to my property. And so I would say to my wife, I really want a side peace. And she slapped me really hard. And I would say, no, the this small plot of land near our home is for sale and I'd like to move my girlfriend on.

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Yeah. Yeah.

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What a great place for my mistress. Then they would get slapped again and I would say, I don't understand what's going on. No, I'll tell you why. I would like us to be friends. And I do say this sincerely. I think we have a lot of things in common. I really do. And then I started reading a little bit about your past and I found found out that in a weird way, you grew up sort of the way I did, meaning you were kind of unsure how you fit into the world.

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And if I had to say there was one thing that it turned out to be a gift in my adult life, it's that when I was a kid, I didn't have a I didn't know where I fit. People would assume maybe for a second that I was a good athlete until I quickly tried to hold the ball or do something with it. And I and and I kept thinking people would say, well, are you a full on nerd? And I'd go like, no, I don't think I am.

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Well, are you the Archie Andrews sort of popular guy? Not really, no. Are you good with the girls? I don't know. What do I do? I don't know who I am. Is that your experience?

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A little bit or why don't you tell me nothing of that is my experience. Wow, you totally destroyed me. I was captain of the football team. Yeah. I actually still play for a sports. I go to the NBA bubble. I'm starting for the Orlando Magic. I don't know how you didn't find all this stuff out. Oh, here it is. It's the second game. Oh, shit. Wikipedias pretty long. You know, what I should do is I should look at the second page before I start talking to people that's on me.

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I really apologize. But you can you can you relate to the. No, I, I'm an only child. We I moved around a lot with my mom, so I always felt like an outsider. And when I was by myself, I felt totally comfortable. But then when I'd be around other people, I would be acting comfortable. They'd be like, that's weird. Why are you acting that way? So I learned to sort of like, I got to keep this whatever this is going to keep it to myself.

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So, yeah, I definitely was not the popular kid, but I was also not the straight-A student, even though people sort of thought I was because I was quiet and bookish. But I was not like, you know, so I sort of I did have any like I don't know where I'm going to fit in in this life. I wanted to be a comedian, but, you know, of that generation was like, you couldn't Google what that was or do it right.

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So you just thought it was like maybe one day I'll accidentally fall into a comedy club. I didn't know how to you know, how to make that happen. So I didn't know what. I went to college in East Asian studies, Major, just because I liked Bruce Lee. Like, well, first of all, first of all, that is the past economy for most of us. All of us got into East Asian studies and. Yes, because obviously and then the next thing you know, we're doing comedy, but yeah, yeah, yeah.

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You spend some of your youth in in Boston, didn't you? I did. I was in Boston from around like four to twelve or so. Yeah, about four to twelve. So I, I have formative years in Boston, but it's been such a long time that I was there. It feels weird to say that I was that I'm from Boston. I wouldn't say that. But yeah, I feel really good because I got to spend some time in some key races places in America.

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So I so for my career it's like it's good to have spent some time in Boston because it's like that's one of America that's a specific type of racism there. So I've never heard anyone mention racism in Boston in the same sense. That's why I don't feel great about it. I don't know. I don't know what you're talking about. Yeah, I grew up I lived in Mattapan, if you don't matter. Sure. Yeah.

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I went to a public school and it was the height of the busing. When I was there in the 70s and there was a picture that when people talk about racism in Boston and I still go back to Boston because my parents live there in Brooklyn and I've heard people sort of almost kind of want to resist that, that Boston had racial issues. And I think the most iconic racist photograph of the 70s. I know exactly what you're about to say. I think it is.

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It is it is as if a couple of people sat around and thought for 10 minutes, thought for like 10 days and said, how can we enact the most racist scenario possible? And I think, you know what I'm talking about, which is it's almost like Tarantino help brainstorm. It's like, you know, what? If Tarantino did it, critics would say that part's too far fetched. It's a real photo and we're laughing. I mean, obviously, it's horrific.

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But during during the height of the busing and fight and fighting about race and everything, there was some kind of demonstration or something in downtown Boston. And this very well-dressed black gentleman, I think he's got a briefcase. He's a lawyer. He's a professional. He's what he he was walking through. And this mob guy was really angry. And two guys grabbed our three guys, grabbed an American flag and try and charge him and try to stab him with an American flag.

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Now, I'm not sure, but I don't think he was hurt. But someone took a picture and won a Pulitzer. And it's like, yeah, to white Bostonians trying to charging and trying to and using the American flag as a weapon against this man who's clearly just on his way to work or back from work. And it is it is I mean, it's a disturbing image, but it's also it's so I mean, it's almost I mean, this is weird to say it's almost beautiful and how perfect it is to go.

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Is there racism in America? Hold on. Have you seen this photo? Yeah, it sums it up in one image and the fact that the photographer caught it because it's like the perfect moment. Yes. Oh, are you looking at. I'm looking at it. Yeah, it's Hauf. Stone is looking it up. But also it is the irony in that photo. And you do think, OK, if I encountered anybody who said I don't think there's racism, I'd say, tell me what you see when you see this photograph.

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If they looked at it and went, well, they're just trying to show the man to American flag with the pointy end pointed towards him. That's just a coincidence. And they're trying to show it to him quickly. Clearly, he's a professional and has things to do. You know, that's when people ask, why did your family move out of Boston? I'd say, look at that picture. That's why that's all you needed. No, my mom really did get sort of sick of Boston and that aspect of it because she felt like it's also so like so provincial there.

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Even the black people of Boston act like they came over on the Mayflower and they're not really on my side. They look down at you, look down because, yeah, you're not you have in your family wasn't brought here on the boats. My family was brought here on the boat. You can't come to my social gatherings where we're supposed to be on the same team. I don't know about that. So, yeah. So we we moved from Boston to Chicago, which was which my mom literally was like, I need to go to a blacker place where where the black people are cool.

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And so Chicago in nineteen eighty four with that place. But you know it's also it's funny because I sense that we had probably similar interests, you know, growing like to me there's something about insecurity at an early age. Just not knowing what your niche is. Not having a niche is really good for developing comedy muscle. Does that, do you agree with that? Yeah, I think feeling like an outsider in every place here, every room you're in is a really great muscle is a really great way to develop comedy because you feel dysfunctional and there's ways to process that dysfunction.

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And comedy is a great way to sort of balance out your feeling of dysfunctionality. It's a great way to go. If you can be funny, you can make yourself feel normal for a little while as I write about it. Like I really feel like being an only child is actually if all things being equal, if there wasn't a sense of like structure and society and caste system in America, only child would be the way I would identify myself, because I feel like that's the thing that ultimately I feel like separates me from other people is that I grew up being my own, my own best counsel, my own company, and feeling like I was always sort of on the outside of people, of other people.

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So but, you know, that's America doesn't ask police to pull you over for being only child. I guess that's OK. Let's hope we can get to that point, you know. You get to watch only the TV you want to share. Step out of your car, sir. Christ. Did you ever have to fight for dessert? Please step out of your car or get out. Keep your hands on the steering wheel. Yeah, it's clear you never wore clothes that were worn by anyone else first.

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Yeah. Yeah. Back up. You know, it's funny you say that because the people that were supposed to be my clique were not my clique. What was your situation? Can you relate to that? No, I can, because, I mean, it's funny. I feel like when I'm basically the same age as hip hop, hip hop started around the same time I was born. And and it's sort of like so I got to I remember when, like, Rapper's Delight first went on the radio and I was like memorized every word.

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And then I was like, that's enough hip hop for me. And I never really engaged again until like the 90s when I started. But so when hip hop was really booming, I was more interested in the Young Comedians special on HBO. Oh, wow. OK, all right. So I was just more interested in like I was like, yes, yes. That's a good song, by the way. But have you seen Jan Caromed new.

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I love it. Pretty soon after Rapper's Delight, you decided. I think that's it for rap. I got it. I got like also this isn't going any further. It's a fad. It's a fad. There's no long term money in this. Yeah. I was like Charlton Heston. This is a music. You know, it's so funny. I always think of you as kind of like Charlton Heston in so many ways. That's what we you know, I am also a spokesperson for the NRA.

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So I just keep it on the low because it doesn't matter if you ever do something quickly, do you ever because you have that really good comedy brain. Do you ever fantasize about or get tempted to do something that completely wouldn't fit what people think about you? Just do you know what I mean? Like, oh yeah, I'll just register for the NRA just because it will fucking freak people out and then I'll and then I'll stick with it. I think most of being a comedian at some point is learning like like, nope, that's not, that's not for you, but really like you because all the thoughts are equal at some point in your head.

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And then if you get lucky and have a career, then your career sort of goes in a direction. And some of those thoughts that you used to grab on just because they were funny, you got like, nope, I'm going to let that one go. You know, I got to let that I got to let that one slide. That's not I think about things all the time that I was, like, really committed to and thankfully never recorded anywhere.

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I would cancel myself. Like I thought that was a really funny idea. Yeah. I was going to turn that into a song. Whoa. You know, so yes, I think that people don't really understand that, like as comedians at some point it's all just material. It's all just sort of like Clay that you're working with. But then when you have a career, you go, this is the clay that I sell. It's not so.

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But, you know, with my friends, we say all sorts of things that, you know, and that's why I think it's good to have those friends. You can say all those things and they don't go, hold on, I got to go call TMZ. You know, they just they actually just let you be you right now. OK, you you mentioned TMZ just before we got on the call, you mentioned that you you had a run in with TMZ.

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This was actually this was not like I've had a run in like I've had a couple like a run in like coming out of a comedy club. But this was actually an interview that I did for TMZ on the TMS TV. Oh, ok. OK, OK. Oh, you went to TMZ. I see. I've never done invited me to you. I didn't know they had a building. But this isn't an office. This is an alley.

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It's the best. We have to sit on that chair. That's that's a years ago I was doing a show in Nashville and the show did not go great. And I came out of the club and I was just like, oh, and outside of the club with some guy with the camera, he goes, Hey, I'm Nick from TMZ. I got a couple of questions for you. And I'm like, How bad is your beat? You're in Nashville of some of the biggest country music stars on in the world.

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And you were sent to come out Belsham looks. And I asked I literally I was like, I just feel bad for you. I just feel like Taylor Swift. Blake Shelton. Right. You got name some guy named Bubba. There's all these people you could talk to and you had to the came to the show. Yeah. So but yesterday it was actually I've been interviewed by TMZ. They called me for interviews like once when I'm promoting United Shades and it's weird.

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I was always afraid of like why would they want me on TMZ? But they clearly used me as the like. When you have a fancy meal and they give you the cucumber or whatever, it is sort of like clear your palate. It's like the way we want it. They use me to have the smart conversations and they go back to the other side. You know, it's probably like there's a government mandated. There has to be at least thirty seconds of intelligence.

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Yes. You know, you just found you just you just had you just talked to Snooki while she was getting up off the sidewalk wearing onliest and throwing up and and. We've got to just quickly cut away. Come out OK? I mean, like Harvey Levin's like come out. How do we solve structural racism in America? Well, thank you for asking, Harvey. And he clearly reads the books and knows what's going on. Right. But, you know, you can't ask those questions of, you know, one of those people whose names I don't know because I don't try to follow that stuff.

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Cardassian, be great. If you just started you had an incredible deep knowledge for that people that I want to meet. But I know which car is which. I mean, I didn't invent. This was like when I first got to CNN into the United States, there was like a Hollywood Reporter roundtable, reality television roundtable. And this was years ago. And you'll know how years ago I was they called me to do it and they said that, like, Tony Bourdain was going to be there.

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And I was like, oh, well, I'll definitely do it because I hadn't met him yet. I'd had the show on for a year and I was like, great, I get to hang out with Tony. I've met him and I've been wanting it. I've been a fan of his since before the show. And then I got there and it was a bunch of other reality television people. And I got there and Tony is standing on the corner talking to the publicist from from CNN.

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And she's a little tiny lady and he's this tall guy and she's like pointing in his face like like clearly like like sort of like like browbeat, like looking like a teacher, talking to a student who just failed. And I expected more of you. And he just sort of looks like and then I walk up like, hey man. He's like, yeah, I got to go. And he leaves and I walk in and he just he does it so he doesn't do the event.

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And I walk in and she's like, he he had some previously scheduled business. And I'm like, I can tell a lie when I hear it. And then I walk into where we're recording the interview and I walk past the green room that has everybody's name on a piece of paper. And one of them says, Kris Cardassian. And I was like, Oh shit, because I knew he he, like, hated the Kardashians. Right. I'm like, he left because Kris car because I didn't know Kris Kristofferson going to be there either.

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And I think she got booked at the last minute and he's like, I can't sit. And I found out he was like, I can't sit at a table with a member of the Kardashian face. Right. And he just walked out and he just bounced. And I just thought it was one of the greatest things of all time that I would even. Now, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Greatest things of all time.

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All time. All time. By list of greatest things. I want to hear the greatest things of all time this morning. The album ratio is really perfect. I really nailed it. I have a bunch you know, my book is healing up nicely. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. So these beats the discovery of fire as a way of saying, OK, I wasn't there for that. So maybe I saw Anthony Bourdain leave as CNN publicist because he didn't want to stomach a Kris Kardashian.

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I saw that happen and I was like, that dude is knows who he is and I wish I had that much integrity. Anyway, I would go in there and talk to Chris Kadesh and and at the end of this event, it was like me. Rupal hurt her. Some other people, Leah Remini, Kris Kardashian gave everybody gift bags. Oh, I was like like handed everybody like it was like she's just invited. I mean, she's not hosting the thing.

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She's no, she's just she just she really just showed us all up to go. You didn't bring a gift bag. Wow. I brought gift bags and she had gift bags of like whatever Kylie's new lip kit was. She just said, oh, wait, that's not really a gift pack. I mean, it was it was makeup that was hard to get. My father has a brick business here. Here's a brick, got my father's business on it.

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I still had not ever seen anybody hand out random gift bags that weren't a kid's birthday party or a wedding. So I was pretty impressed at the time. She was like, give this to your wife. And I was like, how does she know I have a wife? Like, they have like have a dossier. But there was a when we were you were there, too. When when I did Bonnaroo years ago. Yeah. And the big thing there was there was this big trailer and I'm trying to think of who it was.

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Was it like Dr. Dre or. It was like it was Jay-Z. Yeah, it was. It was it was Jay-Z had this giant tractor trailer truck that was all fitted out with air conditioning, everything. And people were invited to go in and they could pick out whatever they wanted. And I'm never like to take anything because I it's very complicated. But this way I was actually like, I have to write a note. I mean, I don't I don't understand how it all works.

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So even if someone gave me, like, here's a free coaster, you know, that says the name of their podcast on it, I don't think I have to. I can't get rid of it. I got to keep it. So it's all very loaded for me. So I was just sitting down in like a foldout chair nearby. And they have this crazy security outside and there's a. Really long line and the security guys keep saying, Koenen, come on, you want to come in and cut the line and you can because they recognize you want to come in.

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And I went, I'm, I'm good guys, I'm OK. And they're like, no, no, it's, it's like all of his best shit and you can take whatever you want but I thank you very much. Just really sad little chair sitting in the sun and they couldn't believe it. They had they couldn't believe in everyone else's. And they kept saying, like, they talk to each other and go like, hey, seriously, man, come in here.

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You could use like a car in here. You could have it. I, I wouldn't be able to kind of. We have family members you haven't seen in a long time in here. Please just just tell Mr. M.C. that I appreciate it. And I think there are people in here who owe you money will give me the money back. Someone here has your medication. You need to keep your heart beating you just please again, just in business.

[00:27:11]

But I do appreciate your signature. A cancer. Right, right in here that will sign it will have it. No, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I love that you took us there. I love the cure for cancer, but it can't be released until I sign. We've got a notary waiting for you. Well, we're leaning out of the booth. We're hitting the place. So it's inches from your hand and we've extended the pen.

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And if you just push the pen that legally possibly a child in here is dying of leukemia, could also there's a make your own sundae bar. I just can't.

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So I have a question for you because you do must love getting to do clearly. I mean, just hanging with you. I'm like, OK, they're there comedy people who like to go off quietly in a corner and think about it. And they're kind of shy. And and then there's people, I think, like you and me who really love to just fuck around and and then we would we can we left to riff like that for a long time.

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And so where do you get that day in and day out? Because obviously you have people that you work with, but you have a group of really funny people in your life. You sit around and you can just generate ideas and come up with stuff. And how does that work for you? Well, yeah. I mean, if you're not funny, then you're not really worth a damn as a friend of mine. Let's be clear. They want to be you can be smart.

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You can be righteous. You can be you need to be funny. Yeah. So but yeah I have. I think that like like for example one of my closest friends is a comedian named Dwayne Kennedy, who I've known since I started doing comedy in Chicago. And one of the great things about my career is that now I can like hire him to like he works in United Shades. He worked on totally biased and he goes on tour with me.

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What I'm doing, I'm getting my standup back together. And really, it's just like getting really on the United Shades. Basically, his job is to just sit in the van and talk to me while I wait to go talk to, like the KKK, like that's basically his job. It's like it's just sort of be around so I can stay loose. And so because otherwise, if I get to and also and we're not talking about the interviews, a lot of times we're just like riffing and talking.

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You're warm, you're you're warming up, you're stretching, just having fun. And I feel like the funniest stuff often happens in the van or in the green room or backstage. These things happen that are just absolute gold and that's what makes them special. And it's really like for comics, it's like legitimate. You had to be there moments like nobody can take a bit from this. Nobody nobody's working on a bit. It's just sort of like like musicians having a jam session.

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Like we're just in here playing together. Yeah. And, you know, and so for me, that's the that's the one thing about like that when I think about what did I get out of this like, you know, because the show biz is hard and it makes you crazy. But like, I definitely know that I've laughed more because of my chosen profession that I would have laughed if I hadn't been in this, you know. Right. And there's a lot of there's a lot to be said for that, because I do think it is a healthy thing to do to laugh.

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And now with my kids, like my oldest is nine, my middle is five and a half. They know the power of being funny. And so now we're being funny together. Yes. And like, you know, like it just and so now we have like bits that we do like like sort of like that is now fun on its own, even in a kid way. It's like, like, oh like my my daughter has now does that thing that comics you do comedy for like ten years do where if I say something she'll be like that's funny without laughing.

[00:30:42]

Well laughing Well I love that that's funny. Like it's like some like some grizzled headliner in Topeka, Kansas. You know, a good one is that I always thought it's like a radiologist who has been doing it for eighty, for sixty years, just looking at it and going like that, stage four. Anyway, they can't they don't show any emotion. They don't know it just. Oh yeah. That's, that's invasive. That's for they'll die anyway.

[00:31:07]

There's a place that has. Tremblay there. That's that's my daughter, that's a. Yeah, but she laughs a lot, but when she really like things like, oh, you really thought that was a good one. That was a good one. But it was just like I feel like that's you've already learned how this works. It's about like actually sometimes you're, like, impressed by the craft more than you even want to laugh about it. Right.

[00:31:27]

I do think it can go too far, like sort of like a wine sommelier. It's like you don't even enjoy this anymore. Like, it's just but I do think that you do want to be able to access to the laughter part, to, you know, do you know anything that your kids have different senses of humor like. Oh, yeah, no. We just talked about the other day, we talked about like how my nine year old really is getting into wordplay and that's where she will be like, that's funny because that word means this.

[00:31:51]

But you said it like, you know, so she's whereas my five and a half year old is at that age where all you have to do to make her laugh is like sing a popular song and swap out key words with the word. But and that is all she also needs. Some of us never left that stage. No, no, no. But she's like firmly in it. Like, it's never that's not like you. I'm still at that stage.

[00:32:13]

But I also like wordplay. She's like, nope, not the word play. Just sing, let it go from frozen. But say let it but let it. But let's.

[00:32:28]

Really, for an apartment, new apartment, you're probably wondering, hey, is this going to be a good situation for me, right? Yeah, good pizza place in the neighborhood. Yeah. And able to buy those little onions. I like the Elpidio Loco, right. What are you giving them a free shout? I'm sorry. I really I just I really like Opelika and I like to buy places.

[00:32:48]

OK, well, maybe we'll get an ad from them, but that's not the ad. The ad that we're talking about here is a really good service.

[00:32:54]

It's apartments, dot com, OK, they got more listings than anybody no matter what you're looking for. Two bedroom, six bedroom, one half bathroom, three bedrooms and a bathroom. No bathroom. It doesn't matter. Upgrade, downgrade, bachelor pad. I remember when I had a bachelor pad. Yeah. No one came to it anyway, doesn't it. Doesn't matter what you're looking for. They got over forty million people on apartments, dot com and they can help you find your new place to hang out.

[00:33:24]

So all the renters who've made apartments, dotcom, the most visited rental listing website in the world, all of them will tell you that's the way to go. But what do you what do you have to believe me for? You know, it's time to just check it out yourself.

[00:33:39]

But what happened? Why are you laughing? That was it. No, no, no, no. It's working, OK? It's working. It's just you're clearly making it up as you go.

[00:33:49]

I'm just passionate about apartments, dotcom. It's an easy to use website, isn't it? Sony. You've used it. I have you. I see. I really have actually used this right. I have found a place. It's super easy. You probably use it a lot while you were working for me and you should have been doing stuff for me, but you were on the apartments dotcom website. Exactly. No, it's a great if you're at work.

[00:34:11]

This was a sting operation. Oh, you caught me. What are you going to do? I guess nothing for apartments. Dotcom, find your next place. Don't be a chump. Apartments, dot com. The most popular place to find a place. Hey, everybody, it's Rob Lowe here, hopefully you're already listening to my podcast, literally with Rob Lowe is what it's called.

[00:34:34]

But if you're not to get with the program, come on. We're having so much fun. I've had great guests. I like just unbelievable people. But I recently sat down with Demi Moore and man, it was more than you can imagine.

[00:34:52]

It was a trip down memory lane. We got your brat pack. We got your St. Elmo's Fire. You're about last night.

[00:34:59]

We go back so long and it's we could have talked for five hours, but happily for you, because you have lives and you have other things to do, it's probably going to be only about an hour.

[00:35:07]

So I urge you, listen, wherever your podcast.

[00:35:22]

There's so many ideas in comedy that we we think of, and we're in this strange, strange way in this we've been in this time for a while, this the council culture of someone getting in trouble for something they said and or did they did. That went too far. And one of the things that I've always thought is what you do have to have, almost like a room where they split the atom to create the heat, to generate everything you need to have a room where you have where you're protected, where you can almost literally say everything you don't, everything and anything, because it's the way that comedy is made.

[00:35:59]

I got a call yesterday from a well-known comic who didn't really want to be associated with the idea. So I won't say his name, but he called me with this idea and he was like, Conan, I just got to tell you this idea really fast. I can't do it. You can't do it because it involves Hitler and and anyone. And I went, OK, all right, let's hear it anyway, OK? It's the giant Nuremberg rally, this famous where you cut to the crowd and Leni Riefenstahl shot it.

[00:36:29]

And there's just hundreds of thousands of Germans in neat rows and they're going crazy in. The Führer is giving his speech and it's beautifully shot. And it's this iconic, horrible moment that shows you how much everybody was enthralled with Hitler. But instead, in whatever year it was, nineteen thirty six, whatever coronaviruses hit. So there's a couple of Germans backstage in the high command and they're talking someone's got to go tell the Führer that because of coronavirus instead of seven thousand, you know, crazily cheering Germans in the crowd, there's about just about one hundred people in the crowd and none of them want to go tell the Führer and then they find one Sape.

[00:37:11]

They're like, you got to do it, Otto. He kind of you know, it's like know, he goes in and this is just real chipper. He's like, oh, well, the crowd is serious and he never ends up not telling you. But I thought, oh, that is a funny sketch. Yeah, no, it's there are those ideas were like, I wish I could do this on stage or I wish I could do this, but it's either not for me or I don't have a venue to do this in.

[00:37:38]

And I think that like that's what that's that's about the comedy brain. Your brain is always working and then you're like, I have to just share it with another comedian. So I know that it's actually funny. And then I can relax and I can move on to not thinking about Hitler.

[00:37:53]

What's it like to not think about Hitler? You know, but I think I mean, people ask me all the time, like, what's off limits? And I really don't think anything's off limits. I think it's all about delivery and also about who the comedian is, because, like, every time somebody goes, comedians can't say what they want to say. I'm like, have you seen Anthony Jeselnik? Yeah. Yeah. Have you seen Jim Naughton?

[00:38:13]

Like, there are comedians who say who say the things that we think they're not allowed to say, but they've established that those are the rules of the game. If you're going to come through here, these are the rules of engagement. And I said I don't want to be I think sometimes people think I would be against those kind of comedians. I'm like, no, I'm for all of it. Just be honest about it. I think it really the problem is when comics who actually aren't about that life sort of sort of step into that and then they get pushed back and then they say, I can't say what I want to say.

[00:38:38]

No, but you've got to be able to take the heat and Jeselnik and Norten. Right. And many other comedians can take the heat. You know, I think like a couple of weeks ago, there was a clip going around of Joey Diaz from years ago on the on Joe Rogan's podcast saying something that was like, you know, you know, just a comic being a comic. And whether it's true or not, it's hard to know. But he was saying something that, if it was true, is horrible.

[00:39:01]

Right. And and so there was this effort to cancel him. And he I saw I've listened to his podcast. Sometimes he was just like, how can you cancel me? Like, look at me like it's like this is who I am. Yeah. This is exactly who I am. This is the kind of comedy I do. He said he says he was joking, which, you know, that's a whole other thing. The whole idea is that is the whole idea is that you couldn't he couldn't be canceled because he's like, this is the space that I take up.

[00:39:27]

Yes. And whereas, like some comedians who when they get canceled, it's because. Well, you don't really take up that space. Right. That's really for you. Right. If you're a prop comic for twenty five years, if you're a Gallagher and your joke is taking this person out. Oh, tennis elbow. Because you take out a mannequin that has an elbow, it has a tennis racquet duct taped to a man when you go tennis elbow and then you know, and then you do a ten minute hunk on race that really goes over the line.

[00:39:58]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's maybe go back to the to the props. Yeah. No, I think that that's I think there's just a natural thing in comedy where we're trying to find the line and just sort of play with the line. And but I do think that, you know, the idea of people getting canceled is also overstated. It doesn't happen. People sometimes have to take a break. Like, I just you know, it's funny.

[00:40:19]

I just I'm doing all this press I sat down to do an interview on. Extra, just go, oh, you're booked on Extra and I sat down and then the interviewer sat down on the Zoome call and it was Billy Bush, I was like, Whoa, hey, man, how you been? Like, I just watched and I'd forgotten that he'd been rehired. It's like who was more canceled than him. And I'm pretty sure extras not paying him by the hour.

[00:40:40]

I'm pretty sure he has like benefits and stuff. So. Right. I think I'm just saying I just came here to say I think Billy Bush is going to be all right.

[00:40:46]

Yeah, that's my that's my main, really. So that's the whole point of the that's the whole point of my career. And I think you're going to put that on your list of one of the greatest things. That's why I wish that the all the milk and, you know, it's all great. Yeah, no, I think that I don't think there's anything wrong even with people trying to cancel someone. I just think that's that's part of where we are in society.

[00:41:13]

And if people want to give it a shot and I've had friends who try to get canceled, I mean, Tucker Carlson tried to cancel me at one point. So I did that in the honor, though, you know, maybe I bring it up, like, is there a way you can get that in writing and frame it? No, I mean, I could be I had a whole. Yeah, no, I had no plan this season.

[00:41:32]

If if there wasn't coronaviruses, I was going to go to Fox News headquarters and be like, Tucker, I'm down here. Let's talk it out. Let's talk about this. So I think that's as part of free speech is the like. That's that's part of the pushback. And people who didn't have access to their voices or couldn't people who are offended by things who couldn't get their voice out to say they're offended now can. And I think that's part of it.

[00:41:55]

That's part of the price of free speech. But I don't think as many people are getting canceled, as people say are getting canceled, the people are really getting canceled. Usually involves, like, I don't know, crime, which I think is OK to cancel people over. Well, that's for you. And I'm not trying to I'm not trying to be controversial.

[00:42:10]

You and I disagree. That kind of really I'm quoting here, I'm a kind of a pro crime. You can get away with it. I am a pro. Yeah. You know, I think that it's my favorite literally my favorite comedian of all time is Bill Hicks. Of course. Yeah. Yeah. So it's like I don't and I'm sure I mean, you know, I wish he was still here. I'm sure there's things that he said that, like, you know, would get him canceled today.

[00:42:34]

And there's things that he said that I didn't even agree with at the time. But I was like, wow, that's great writing and performing for me. And so I have room in my heart for like I don't agree with that. Also, it's funny, but I think a lot of times right now people don't have room in their heart for I don't agree with that. Also, it's funny.

[00:42:50]

Yeah. Anything that well it's called being uncomfortable. It's called tolerating discomfort. I sometimes think that's maybe one of the big issues we got right now. Well, I think it's I think there is a sort of like there's also a power dynamic in place that I think is legitimate, that some people are like, I've never actually been allowed to tell you when I was uncomfortable before. Right. So now that I have the ability, I'm to tell you every time I'm uncomfortable because I didn't have access to telling you I was uncomfortable before.

[00:43:17]

And that's making other people uncomfortable, which I feel like. Yeah, but you were never uncomfortable. And sometimes you telling me that you're uncomfortable isn't going as well. As I say, that's the voice that I'm going to my wine cellar when I come back. I don't want any more of this discomfort. Yes, I will. Spoke by phone to Brandy and we will adjourn and have a different discussion of a discussion about something that seems more comfortable.

[00:43:51]

And I tried this thing about hearing what you have to say. And I was nervous. And I think that sometimes that's what there's like this weird like, well, this person has never been had access to their voice and they're excited and they now do. You've always had access to your voice. But we can't act like these are like both sides are having a different are having the both sides have a point here. It's like I think that's the thing.

[00:44:16]

I also don't want to I don't want look like I'm saying that either right now it's too late.

[00:44:20]

I mean, I can cut this anyway I want. That's true. But we're going to take out individual vowels. And when it comes out, you're going to it's going to be you saying Trump has done a good job. I see. In race are progressing too quickly all lives. Let's slow things down. And I think that most of these problems, we're all in their 60s. Oh, please. This is us having a moment where this is I always love the thing that's so wrong, too.

[00:45:05]

I had to rewrite that. My brain is like my brain is like, nope, skip that out when we're friends. I will tell you, though, when we're friends, I get a notarized document. I will then I. Yeah, no, it. It is one of those things where that's a rift that you and I would go on for a long time, and if we if we weren't, it would go much further if it was just the two of us.

[00:45:33]

Yes, that's not bad. We got to go pretty quick. So I feel pretty good about it. I would invest some major money in having that cut together and then inserting you saying that clearly altered and then me saying, gee, I don't know, I can't agree with you, I just can't agree with you. And so I'm the more sensitive and the more the one that's more in touch about race. And I'm not going. You know what I know?

[00:45:59]

I don't think I think there's more advances we can make. I disagree fundamentally disagree. I think black people have gotten. You can see scenes of the Wayans Brothers TV show. Why can't you be happy with that? That's plenty. It was funny. It was a lot, for God's sake. Bitching about something, man. Yes. Always bitching about, OK, if we're going to be friends. And by the way, it's ultimately it's ultimately going to be your call.

[00:46:45]

You have that control. Well, I appreciate that, but I'm open to it. You know, that's what are we doing if we're not building friendship. Yeah, so. Yeah, that's true. Well, we're also there's going to be some ads in here, so we're making money. Yeah, well, no, we've got to monetize our friendship. There's a there's a pandemic. What do we what are we talking about? I got to ask you this.

[00:47:09]

Your wife is your wife. She did last year. You think you're funny? Yeah. Our actually, our first day we met, I ended up getting a last minute gig at KOBS Comedy Club in San Francisco. And so the first day we met, we were working on a theater show and I was like, Hey, lady, who I just met, who I think I might have some interest in, want to see me kill at a comedy club when I open with ten minutes.

[00:47:31]

And so she came and saw me the first night. She saw me do stand up. And yeah, she's she's not only good laughs she's actually a good comedy writer and a good comedy mind. But I forget sometimes and somebody will compliment me on a joke and I'm like, thanks. I remember when I wrote that I was like, No, I wrote that. I'm like, Oh yeah, that's what I say. I wrote it. I mean, when I heard you say, yeah.

[00:47:53]

And then I told myself that I wrote it because I do that except about having our children with my wife. Oh my God. I remember when I have these children, she's like, what? No, I'm sorry. Yes, it was. You are as agile canal. You can be frank about it. But anyway, when I brought forth this life using only my seed, yes, I have three kids. I'm trying to be a man who says we're pretty.

[00:48:20]

We're practically I don't I don't eat that guy. No, no, no, I we're having a baby. She is. I get access to the baby if you get a text that you're allowed. Yeah. I'm basically leasing children and I had no option to buy it. Currently she renews the lease. So yeah, you've got a little while longer. You've been very new. You just got to pick up. I got to pick up one of my children and we added another cute one because it was starting a little stale.

[00:48:58]

We had had a new baby. My how many do you have got me? Three. I got a nine year old, five year old and a two year old two year old, which is, like I said, I was the only child. So to me, it makes no sense. Right. And understand whose idea was. No, I, I came from one to six. So we we had I assumed we never talked about it.

[00:49:18]

And I could just kind of assume you always assume that you're going to replicate your childhood. So yeah. When after our second child I said, well what is the next one. And she said, You're not to touch me again. I might drop walked out of the room. But weirdly, there was another kid that would come from. I don't acknowledge that that was you're not to touch me, but your piece of property on the side of my yard is my side, you know.

[00:49:53]

No, I don't. I, like I say, my oldest kid, who's nine, is like half of an only child because for the first three and half years of her life, she was living that only child like died. And then and so she still remembers that. And so for her, sometimes when she has these moments of like because it now is the oldest one, she has all the responsibility. And sometimes she's like, oh, yeah, I know you had a good life.

[00:50:13]

I know what you're experiencing because I live that life my entire life. I know. I know. It was good, wasn't it? Yeah. A lot of people to worry about. I don't know why you want to have all these kids. You know, I like that you went for it comedically with your wife the first time you met her, because I did the same thing with my wife that our first date we got in a cab together to go and see a movie.

[00:50:40]

And I just went for it. I just I did the thing. I always do something for me a million times. I sort of mutter like Popeye, I got blue and I'll do it in the cab. And the guy would be like, So you want to go to that meeting? And I did. And I do it sort of at a pitch where the cabbie can't I don't think the cabbie can really hear it. But I was like, oh yeah, right.

[00:51:04]

Oh, that's a good I was like, but she didn't say anything. She just thought, oh, he's fucking crazy. He's absolutely fucking crazy. I thought she needs to know now that this is the deal, because I was very interested in her and was already thinking this is the one I need to show her my hideous scar.

[00:51:24]

Yes. Yes. Know, that was that was the way it was with Melissa, because I had had other other girlfriends who were like so I started doing comedy. I started dating a woman and she was sort of like waiting for me to quit. Basically when you get over this and then you can take over your dad's insurance business, which was actually a thing. And then and then my next girlfriend was like kind of into it. But by the time I got to Melissa, I was like, this is what it is.

[00:51:49]

And so either come out with me to the comedy clubs and hang out and make friends with my friends or I don't know if this can work. And she did all that. So she is like friends with a lot of comedians that I know, and she can hang out and so and gets what the life is. I'm not living that life anymore, but I feel like she definitely like accepted and thought I was funny and would tell me when I wasn't funny, when I needed to work on that tag.

[00:52:10]

Yeah, that's the part.

[00:52:10]

I can't tolerate collaboration like here. Exactly. This is all not ringing true to me. Yes. I like the part where it's like you have your best interests at heart. I'm going to the wine cellar again. People who want you to succeed and do better be a better version of yourself and inspire you to be a better person. I am, as God made no, I like to hear really funny a great job. There's no one like you.

[00:52:43]

And then when it gets into this territory of being honest with me emotionally, that's when I have to go go to my cellar about things. You know, I think you keep me down to earth pretty much so. Yeah. I think everybody around, everybody I'm surrounded by people who constantly that interns on my show are like, well, maybe next time, you know, you fuck. Yeah. You're a sophomore in college. You're obviously better, but you'll be fine.

[00:53:15]

I mean, you know, I always look for optimism and I know we're in this incredibly intense time. I do. And I, I hate it when people say laughter's the best medicine because I respond. No, I'm in need of if I'm really sick. Laughter It's not going to do shit, you know. Yes. So is a decision. And it was Norman Norman Lear, the late Carl Reiner and and Bob Newhart. And I think it was Norman Lear at one point who just said and I think it's like Norman Lear is maybe ninety seven and Carl Reiner is ninety six.

[00:53:50]

And Newhart, I think he's only forty four. He doesn't take care of himself. Child genius. The child just really needs to get to the gym. Yeah but terrible. But they were all talking and they were all hilarious and they're in their late nineties and I think it was Norman Lear who said I know it sounds like a cliche, but I in my profession I've laughed every day. I've laughed really hard every day. And it is life giving.

[00:54:19]

And I really believe that's why we're all here. And there's a lot of discussion about where we are and how can we improve and how can we get better. And I do think it's like, well, everyone needs to spend more time with each other and and enjoy the things that humans enjoy together, which is laughing. I mean, it sounds laughing and cocaine.

[00:54:42]

Oh, no, I just made me agree to that. I was like, yep, yep, yep, yep. Oh no. That's that's what I do that when I do the re editing, I am a big user of cocaine. OK, come out. This is not the place but the time. There is no drug that I am that tried. Oh my God. I'm down for the party. Oh no. Says that any more about anybody.

[00:55:12]

Got some. OK, but yeah I do feel like even coming over here today to this, to this studio which has been boiled and scrubbed of coronavirus is really looking forward to talking to you. And I thought we're always passing each other. We've done it a few times. We've had an opportunity to talk. But one of the things I really love about the podcast is really getting to spend some time with someone I admire and who I know is going to make me laugh and I'll feel better afterwards.

[00:55:46]

And so I thank you for that. It's really was the whole idea of this podcast is very selfish, which is I just want to I want to force people to hang out with me who I really like. And so I I'm really thrilled that you were able to do this.

[00:56:04]

I mean, I was happy to do it. I've been wanting to do it since it first came out because I also felt like talking like this is so much better than when you see these people out in the world. Or were on your show or whatever, like this is the kind of way that you feel like you really get to know somebody and as I've said before, you're you're someone who I've looked at is like that's that's the way to do it.

[00:56:21]

That's the way to have integrity in your career. So I appreciate it, though. Thank you. I'm sure you also admire me physically as a physical specimen. Certainly that's a part of it. I'm pinching myself as a side piece.

[00:56:38]

It's been an honor to be the guest of the very last episode. And I guess I am now to say goodbye, everybody. Thank you so much. You had a great career anyway. Thank you so much for doing this. And like it or not, you are my friend and I'm down. And you're allowed to bail at any point as well. Oh, yes. I will tell you, it gets really irritating really fast. It was an only child.

[00:57:06]

I'll leave it any time. You just goes to me, right? Yeah. I'll just go to you. All right. God bless you, sir. Thank you. Thank you. We'll talk again someday, friend.

[00:57:20]

So I'd like to address an issue you contacted me now, please. This is not me reprimanding you in any way. People sometimes forget when they listen to the podcast that you do work for me. Yes, it can probably come across in the podcast that that I work for you or we're somehow equals. No, you work for me. And the other day you contacted me. And this has happened, I think, in the past. So the scenario you went to a gas station.

[00:57:45]

I went to a gas station and I took my wallet out and I put it on top of my car. And I remember saying to myself, don't forget your wallets on top of your car. I forgot my wallet was on top of my car. I drive off and then in, like about an hour later, I go in to get my wallet and it's just not there. So it's gone. Normally you'd think, oh, that's too bad for Seona.

[00:58:07]

But let me tell you something, dear listener, this is bad news for me. Persona has my credit card. Yes, she has my credit card, a copy of my credit card so that when she buys something for me, a certain medication that older men need but wait for some sort of cream or balm that an older gentleman failing needs to rub into certain areas. Oh my God, you those are some of the things you need to buy me or a special seat that raises the toilet higher so I can get to it.

[00:58:40]

Just having you know, I'm projecting ahead in the future like two years, you know, like you buy things for me all the time with my credit card. So my credit card was was missing. Yes. And I was in the midst of trying to buy something on Amazon. And you said grab bars just so I could get into the shower. Why? Nobody needs to know these things. I think people should know that all the way appear very youthful.

[00:59:06]

I was born in nineteen fourteen, had a lot of work done. But anyway, you told me the cards, the cards. I lost my wallet, I left it on top of my car and then I think you, you said you drove around, you did donuts and wheelies in parking lots and stuff and you. Yeah I did a drag race. Yeah. You drag race, you're interested. You're drifting in the old Tokyo Drift. People in Ozona is a street racer.

[00:59:33]

The only problem is she often leaves her wallet on top of the car and she street races in a kia. By the way, little shout out for Kia. We're not getting paid for that. That's free money for your hybrid. Yeah, that's right. You want to buy bread life? You went for the hybrid because that bean can drift anyway. You go up zipping around right out your window. Yeah. And and doing wheelies and the wallet goes flying off somewhere.

[01:00:00]

We don't know where. Yeah. It's got a card on it that has money goes right to my bank. Cue cards to be to one goes to your personal and the other one is my corporate card which goes to your corporate entities. All right. That's right. That's right. And various corporate entities. One of my mister one of my Montgomery Burns. Yes you are. Yes. Just with this business, Sona, I like the cut of gym.

[01:00:27]

Sir, you've been working with Sony for well over ten years. I don't recall. And you said I now have to blow. I've just blown up all your credit cards and I was right in the midst. Actually it was a no what I was buying, I was buying a rash guard, OK? I was I was buying one of those things you wear in the ocean because I do a lot of swimming these days and it keeps you from getting sunburned.

[01:00:52]

Surfers where. I'm sorry. I'm I'm sorry. So you threw that up because I couldn't get my card. And now if you lose Conan O'Brien's card, you know, you're putting Conan O'Brien in jeopardy, you know, putting Conan O'Brien's family in jeopardy and his finances in jeopardy. And I want to know how you're going to make this right. Here's the thing. It's not the first time. Oh, no, no, no, no. This has happened many times and always with hilarious scenarios.

[01:01:19]

I always really it's it's happened less than like maybe six months ago. I lost my whole wallet. Yes. You've lost your wallet since I've known you about nine times. It's always a story like, you know, when you were at the carnival and you go on that thing that drops you really fast. I wanted to see what it was like if the wall would fall faster or I would fall faster. So as it was about to drop, I threw my wallet in the air and then I couldn't find it afterwards.

[01:01:44]

And nine of your cards were in there. Plus the only original copy of your birth certificate. Yes. Sorry. You know what? You make jokes, but one time my my laptop was stolen. It wasn't password password protected and every single one of your contacts were just in there. Now, fortunately, I have as we've established, I have very few friends. That was really bad. I actually got really nervous about that. Yeah, no, no.

[01:02:11]

But it wasn't it's not like I had a list celebrities in there and I want whatever, you know, I'm really close with Charlize Theron, very close friends, I mean. If it's more than that, that's whatever, and I'll put that out there. I see Charlize Theron and then I'm privacy's it says someday something could happen even though I'm married and she isn't really close with me and has no interest, it says. And it's not her number.

[01:02:36]

It's like your mom's number. Yeah, my mom answers. And those are good calls. Those are good conversations. I don't have that. But, you know. Oh, yes. Well well, let me tell you something. You took a long time to toilet train. I get calls from his colleagues that he had soiled the bed.

[01:02:57]

Sounds like you were raised by Ronald Reagan. Well, well, my mother did once she once came into my room when I was a kid, she said, Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that wall. Was like, Mom, what are you talking about? Well, yeah. So what do you want to do? What's the solution? How do we do this? I mean, first of all, you blew up the card, right. To the card is worthless to whoever finds it and tries to extort us.

[01:03:26]

Everything is we're in. It is really worthless. I think, you know, they can't even steal my identity because it's an old address on my license. Maybe. I don't know. Are there any is there anything in your wallet that could be harmful to me that if found like you have some some information about me, that would be very embarrassing. I know, because I lose my wallet often. I downsized it. And so now it's very easily replaceable any time I lose it.

[01:03:51]

So you basically made it so that your wallet is something you can throw away at the end of every day, right? Yes. The one thing that I really do miss is my Costco card, but that I have I can just go and replace it. But nothing else is. I think Costco will be very happy to give you another card. Why? Why they want you to go there and buy a box of Raisin Bran the size of a refrigerator.

[01:04:17]

I don't know why people need a box of bread. It's the size of a refrigerator. But apparently that's what America wants. I love Costco. You know, I love Costco. They get the amounts right. They give you a lot of something. This thing my wife does that makes me crazy. She's, you know, she's a wasp. She's grew up in this sort of Episcopalian family where they all the right amount of food and they purchased an appropriate amount of food that would sustain them for for that day.

[01:04:46]

And then they appreciated it and they ate all of it. And it was done and they weren't full like to full bull shit. That's not how I grew up. My mom, she would go to the grocery store and just buy all this shit and then she would come and throw it in the way they throw meat into a into a lion's den of lions at the zoo. And we would all tear at it and gnash at it and we wouldn't even take the packaging off.

[01:05:10]

We should be like she just throw a giant thing in there, like a ham that needs to be cooked and we just start calling and ripping at it. Oh yeah. When she introduced us to our youngest, Justin, we started eating him. We thought, yeah, we thought, oh no. She was like, no, that's your newborn brother. He's ten years younger than you know. And that's why he still has a voice. He's got a mangled right arm.

[01:05:31]

OK, my point is, yeah, my wife, she will go to the store and she'll come back and she'll find by these great potato chips and it'll be in this little bag. My wife does that, too. Yes. Thank you and thank you. Food in the house that I want to eat that she doesn't want to eat. I have to keep it hidden from her in my office because.

[01:05:51]

Because she like bottles of vodka. That's a different story. Yeah, just giant bottles of vodka. That's called alcoholism. Gawley, is it OK? It's not her fault because it's a food I like called vodka and I need to hide it from her. But you hide your food from you.

[01:06:10]

It's not me hiding it because I want to keep it from her. She says you need to take these because I will eat them, but I can't keep food that I like in a pantry where it normally will be.

[01:06:20]

I understand. Yeah, I don't really either. It's like a cookie. Let's see, there's a bag of cookies that I want to eat. She won't let me keep it in the pantry because she's afraid she'll eat it.

[01:06:30]

Why can't she have a go. Because she doesn't want to eat them but she won't be able to stop herself.

[01:06:34]

No, I get it. I get OK, well, this is the problem. My wife's also one of those people. It's infuriating who she eats all kinds of stuff and she just always looks amazing. And I'm made of what's the word genetically a shit. I made a shit. And so and so she's always saying, oh, I got you a treat. I got you some cheese. My weakness is cheese. Popcorn. Oh, that is my weakness.

[01:07:04]

So she'll find a kind of cheese popcorn where they put nine popped kernels in a bag, a very small bag, and it says Made with Love. In Portland, it's Jeremiah and Charlotte's cheese popcorn, eight kernels. They're packed and put in wrapping. It costs much more than the actual company. And it's lovingly sold to your wife, who gives it to her husband, who eats it in one mouthful. You see me eat him amongst it is horrifying.

[01:07:38]

But yeah, I mean, it sounds like she's just looking out for you. How dare she. Right, though. I know. My God, I'm going to die. I should make my own decisions. Yeah. Anyway, did they get my Costco card when they stole your Costco card with. No, you don't go to Costco. I was trying to. Are you trying to do I don't know, just sort of like I'm down with the people.

[01:08:00]

No, I'm no one, but I had a Costco card about 10 years ago, but I'd go in there and people were like, oh my God, it's really him, you know, kiss me, kiss me. And I can't do that. That's it. I've gotten in public places with you. No one's ever said that only happens at Costco. They think you're the Costco version of Conan O'Brien.

[01:08:19]

Yeah, there's a Trader Joe's version of Koenen. There's like a really high end pavilion civilians version of Coneheads. And I am the Costco version of Koenen. I am oversized. No one's that thrilled about me, but there's a lot of me, there's a lot of me. And I last a long time and I know means because I don't know. I thought that when you said I last a long time. No. And and now we. I know.

[01:08:45]

I think it's the way I said it to and I last a long time. No one who last a long time since I last out. Do you know. Wow. Well, what happened was oh OK. Anyway, please be careful with your next one. I will try. Right. Well yeah, I am probably going to lose my wallet again, but yeah. Not to do me a favor, just I don't care what comes to your cards.

[01:09:11]

I really don't think you when it comes to whatever, it's nice of, you know, empathy. But anyway, I'm sorry I can't feel for others. Sociopath. Yes, well it's small, it's noise. They said, OK, I say things too quickly, whatever, you know, and don't care about just myself. OK, ok. Anyway, my card must be safeguarded and you've got to do something because I'm a national treasure and if my car is missing, it's like you lost the nuclear codes.

[01:09:39]

Oh is it the same thing. Pretty much. So you don't care about anything else in my wallet, you don't care about my insurance card, my license, you just care about your your your credit card. Let me be very clear about this. If it affects me directly, I care, OK? If it doesn't, I don't feel anything. I don't feel anything inside that's normal. Yeah. Yes. I watch those commercials on TV those days where they show like, oh, this animal needs a home.

[01:10:12]

And I just I'm looking at it. I'm like, why are they doing this to I feel nothing. I feel nothing inside it. That's why I make so many noises and talk all the time to cover up the lack of a soul, but do believe, oh, this is going to be a good season.

[01:10:35]

I quit.

[01:10:39]

Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sunim off session and Conan O'Brien has himself produced by me, Matt Gallie, executive produced by Adam Sachs and Jeff Ross, the Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Airwolf theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental Music by Jimmy Lavina. Our supervising producer is Aaron Belayer and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. The show is engineered by Will Beckton. You can rate and review the show on Apple podcast, and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[01:11:10]

Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at three, two, three, four, five, one, two, eight, two, one and leave a message in two could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien needs a friend on Apple podcasts, stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been 18 cocoa production in association with. This has been 18 cocoa production in association with Newell.