Hi, it's BTIG, thanks so much for listening. I hope you'll join me next week, April 8th, for a very special live show with my old friend Nick Kroll on Zoome. You may know Nick as the star and co creator of Big Mouth. He's also the creator and star of the Kroll Show, The Oh Hello Show and the league. Nick and I will weigh in on your toughest issues and maybe even name your favorite household objects, all from the comfort and safety of your home.
I can't promise good advice, but I can promise a good time. Tickets start at just 12 dollars. Get yours today at don't ask Tiggy tickets.
See you there. Hello, dear listeners, it's your pal, Tig Notaro. What you're about to hear is a taping of a live virtual show of Don't Ask TIG with director, producer and comedian Judd Apatow recorded in December.
Leslie was on The Tonight Show the other day and she was talking about something that I found to be very private, which was the fact that we have a white couch and whenever I like, lay on it, when I walk away, there's like almost like a chalk outline of a dead body of my hair that looks like me, like I leave and you think I'm still there. And also that you can't say where in my body the hair came from.
Where are you familiar with that bit or was it a surprise? And I was fortunate surprise.
I have accepted that she can go where she needs to go to to be amusing on these things. But I knew it was true.
And I also knew that it bothered her because every time I got up from a chair this summer, there was part of me still on the chair. Like. It. This is Don't Ask Tig Tig Notaro, this is my live show where I can tell you in person to stop asking me, Judd, where we're streaming live to who, who who's watching.
It's a mystery. It's a real mystery. But are you nervous?
I got nervous when you use the word live. I don't know why, but, you know, sometimes you do the talk shows now and then they say if you say anything weird, we can cut it out. Don't worry, we'll cut it out. They didn't used to do that. It was like it was all going out. Now they they tend to go a little long and they'll snip your worst joke. But this is you know, this is just going to be put out there.
I'm going to have to pay the price. Whatever happens.
I know there's no turning back and there's no snipping out the weird stuff. My guest today, as I've already acknowledged, is the great Judd Apatow. We're very lucky to have you. You and I were just chatting yesterday. Yes. Zoome for nearly three hours. And it's always a pleasure to hear what you have to say and think, which is why you're the perfect guest for Don't Ask.
Tig, I'm going to leave it all on the on the floor. There's going to be nothing left. Everything I have everything I have to offer. I will reveal it. I will I will do my best to to come through for people. And I'm going to share and I'm going to share in some ways that people are going to go uncomfortable with.
But I'm going to go all the well, we're not snipping it out. All right. And I don't think it's unusual for you to leave it all on the floor because you're a very open person, especially through your work and the ups and downs in marriage. You share it all. Is that openness a helpful quality in your relationships?
This is a very good question. I can't necessarily say one way or the other because when we do the movies, it's always a certain percentage just from our lives. A lot of it is just our observations of our friends or the actors and actresses in the movies. And then a lot of it is just made up. So it's like a soup. So you can't really tell exactly what is Judd's weird stuff. It might be Paul Rudd's weird stuff. It might be Sattler's weird stuff that's important.
I need the deniability of things. Although, you know, there's a moment in this is 40 where Paul Rudd has a mirror and he's trying to see some sort of growth he thinks he has in his butt and he thinks he's alone and he's checking. And then Leslie comes in and is horrified because she wants mystery. You still want mystery. And in marriage, sometimes there is no mystery. You have to look and you have to look at things.
You need someone to help you look to see if these things are concerned or not. And the mystery is got. I'll meet people and they're like, oh, I've never seen the scene. My spouse, like on the toilet or I've never heard them fart. I'm like, Really? That's like a five for me.
And what is what is the boundary for you as far as sharing goes? Are there things that you will never share?
I guess on some level there there probably is. I guess what I share is probably still like five percent of what what I'm ashamed of. But I try to be lay it all out there person as much as I can.
I'm sharing in a way that I didn't realize I was sharing so that a part of a movie that I thought was made up years later, I will realize was from my soul.
You know, some it's usually like someone's pain or suffering. And I think, oh, isn't that funny that I worked with that character? You know, for instance, I was working with Pete Davidson, his movie, and he talks a lot about depression and suicidal ideation. And he's very honest and hilarious. And I think it's very moving and helpful to people to have someone talk about all that. And before that, I worked with Gary Coleman producing his special called The Great Depression, which was about his struggles with depression.
And then before that, I worked with Chris Gethard on a special called Career Suicide, which was about suicide and depression.
And and for a while I thought, oh, it's interesting that, you know, I'm working with these people. And then I thought, well, I'm the guy doing it three times in a row. I just really feel the need to talk about all of these issues. It's so easy to think it's not me. I'm helping people with their thing. And then I'm like, I might be more depressed and everybody I deal with that I have to talk about it for half a decade.
Yeah. Why are you so drawn to that? How crazy. And I didn't really even notice it until the third.
Was done, I was like, wow, I keep wanting to think about this because that's part of it is you're thinking about it, you're you're because that's the fun of it. You're turning it into comedy and storytelling. But there's a part of your mind that's like, I need to work this out. So I need to think about how my mind works, what makes me happy, what makes me depressed, how I'm navigating the worlds. Yeah. And I guess that's a subject that I needed to focus on for a while.
I've known you for years, but I feel like I'm just starting to get to know you better, which are deeper and deeper and better this year. And that leads me to the fact that you're very well known as being a mentor, a great mentor to people. And where do you suppose that comes from? And what what brought that out? Are you surprised that this is a role that you've taken on as a kid?
I wanted to know everything about comedy. And I my mom got a job after she got divorced as a hostess in a comedy club. And I always thought on some level she must have taken this job at a comedy club because she knew I loved comedy, because when you paid the hostess to seat people at a comedy club in nineteen eighty three, a lot of money, a lot of money, just six bucks an hour, I mean.
Right. Minimum wage of three. Thirty five back that. And how many hours is it. I guess it's five hours. I mean how four hours. It makes no sense other than I loved comedy. She wanted to find a way or she knew I could watch the show and that's what I did. And 15 years old, I went to every single show and watched every comedian I'd seen on TV. And then I thought, I want to interview these people.
And I started a radio show from a high school radio station and I interviewed Leno and Seinfeld and Shandling's John Candy and Howard Stern and Sandra Bernhard and all these great writers from Saturday Night Live. And I think on some level, I think I so wanted them to be nice to me and help me that I think I'm supposed to be nice to other people. It's like it's that simple. Like all I was it was like Seinfeld to talk to me and tell me how we did it and tell me funny stories and not look at me like I was an idiot.
Give you the easy answer. And that's what he did. He was he was nice. And I think it's a program that, oh, you're supposed to give back. You're supposed to try to help people. And then, you know, comedy is collaborative. And at some point you have enough credibility to use that to help people not have to get beaten up. The way you got beaten up in the beginning of your career, you could say, you know, I'll protect you and let's try to figure this out and do a good job and not have any bad notes.
Screw this up. Let's see if we can get through this and enjoy it and have it not be a humiliating nightmare.
You've created what you hope to because I feel like you're somebody that people go to or hope to end up with somewhere along the way. So congrats to you. And and now you and I have to help people out there in the world that may or may not want to be in comedy. I don't know, John, but here we go. Question one.
Are you ready? I am. I'm I'm looking at it. All right. Says I have been thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend. I hesitate in particular because he just helped me renovate my kitchen. Is there a right amount of time to stay with him? Out of respect for my new backsplash?
I've had a similar situation to have you. I'll tell you the situation I was dating.
Of course you have. Of course you have. I was dating a young a young woman and it was not going well. We had been dating for a while. It was beginning to get really bad and I was leaving to go shoot a movie for about three or four months. And at the time I was working for Garry Shandling and he was very close with Albert Brooks. And Albert Brooks came over one day and I didn't know him that well. But I told him this problem.
I wasn't getting along with my girlfriend and I was about to leave to shoot a movie. And he said, break up with her now, break up with her right now. It's not going to get better. It'll only get worse. And it won't make the movie a fun experience. You can have so much more fun if you break up now. And I did I did not break up. And then I came home and found out she was cheating on me.
And then we broke up. And then a month later, I tried to win her back anyway, even though she had been cheating. Then she refused to get back together with me. So I'll tell you the detail that connects to the backsplash. OK, while I was gone shooting the movie, I had bought my first house. She was decorating it, so I got her. She showed me the house, which was beautiful, but I think she didn't tell me that she was cheating on me because she wanted to finish decorating my house as a way of apologizing for God because she wanted to complete this task so that at least she did that.
Do you really think that? I think she said that to me once, that she wanted to finish the house because she felt guilty. So stick it out.
I guess it is. Oh, I didn't even mention this person's name. Stari. That was starry. Starry. If you're listening, I apologize. I didn't even say your name. I just said the first question. So do you have like a specific time we can give stari so stari can say OK, I put in the two days or I did a year or is it three and a half months. Is there a specific date that we can tell story to break up.
I was not a good break up or I always let them break up with me. I would, I would write it out. So they were screaming running for the hills. I only broke up with one person my entire life.
And when I did, she said, I can't believe you're breaking up with me.
So I think that when you want to break up, if you really want to break up, you should do it tonight. Yeah.
And I feel like what's good to remember is that people live through things. And I've never met you, stari. I'm sure you're an incredible person, but your boyfriend will live through the breakup and it's going to sting maybe a little extra that the kitchen was renovated. But here's a picture right now of of what it's worth it.
Well, maybe you got to stay a little longer. I was going to say that's not that great of a job. I would get out now based on this work. No, I think it looks beautiful. But if I were starry, I'd say stari get over yourself. They're going to live if I break up with them. And so I've had to break up a couple of times. I'm not saying I do it well, but I do try to consider the fact that they're not going to want to look foolish any amount of time longer.
Oh my gosh. You know, it just done. I mean, what if Stari is watching this and her boyfriend or his boyfriend? I don't even know whoever's boyfriend what a star boyfriend overheard all of this and they're getting into it at their house. And he's like, what, you're going to break up with me? They're fighting, right? Yeah, we're stari set up the computer to watch this zoom and thought there's no way they're going to take my question and then wandered off.
Yes. And forgot and star boyfriend is watching this. Just ripping the kitchen apart. Holding tile. Yes. You know it's funny sometimes late at night when I'm alone and bored and depressed, I watch graduation speeches on YouTube that always lifts my spirit to just watch Denzel Washington inspire a college. And there's a great Lin Manuel Miranda one. And he tells us really long story about having to break up with this woman. And he felt really terrible about it because he's such a nice person.
He said just went against everything that he felt about himself. And he said now she's so happily married with kids. And he realized that he always thought he was a, you know, important part of her life that you couldn't live without. But actually, he was the obstacle for her.
The story is in the way story is in the way of this boyfriend having a stellar life and somebody that will be so attracted to him doing this kitchen work. So sorry. Let us know how things go for you and the backsplash.
We're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back with more from my conversation with Judd. More questions right after the break. Why do you get deja vu? Why are you attracted to symmetrical faces? Why do you listen to songs that bum you out? I'm dusa the host of a new podcast, Deeply Human.
When you cry, it can sometimes help you irrigate your emotions. You are attempting to induce deja vu through virtual reality.
I'm finding out what we all want to know. Why do you do what you do? Deeply human. A BBC World Service and American Public Media co-production with Hard Media. Listen on the I Heart Radio app or wherever you get your podcast.
Deanna asks, My father will be retiring next year, and my mom and I are very worried for him. His interests consist of falling asleep while watching the History Channel. My mother is worried that he will be bored and terrorize her with his free time. What productive and fulfilling hobbies could I suggest? He is only 52 but acts 80 to.
Well, let me just say this. He's retiring at fifty three last week and he has be back.
What if he's really broke and he's retiring? He's just so lazy. Yeah.
I mean that's that's young to shut the shop down is it.
Listen, I'll be 50 in March and three more years you're done. Yeah. So I don't know.
I always think this is so interesting because it makes me think that this couple maybe had the kind of life where somebody is at work all the time and they're not really spending maybe that much quality time together, because I'm assuming if you're spending your weekends doing some fun hobbies together and connecting in that way, that maybe it would be exciting that this guy is retiring because retiring at such a young age, you're able to follow through with so many dreams.
You know how well you could go to all the sites of history.
You could go to you would Agema you could go to all the free site in history you should go to is what Chad is saying.
And what if you fell asleep at every place? He'd just fall asleep from history? Well, I feel like it's a really big event. If this couple did not spend their time together or the family didn't spend their time together sharing hobbies or activities, it seems obvious. But what a great opportunity to do it now. And do not take your father's health. And I mean, I'm hoping and assuming he's he's in good health. Even he sounds a little sleepy.
Well, they said worried about him, which is interesting because if he was psyched to retire, you would be worried about him like, oh, my God. And now the fun begins. So what is the word that they say he will be bored and he will terrorize her with his free time? How do you terrorize a person with free time, a weapon free time?
I think it can be for certain people. But I think this guy I think Danny's father needs to find some hobby, at least one. Maybe that would be a fun thing to do, is get a little hat with suggestions and pull out something fun for dad to do and something he could do with your mother, something that the family could do together and get this guy off the couch and turn off the History Channel and really go do something. And maybe your mother could lead the way.
Maybe she could follow her dreams and do her hobbies. And sometimes that's one of the greatest motivators, is to see somebody else doing something where your father might think, hey, I want to go to go learn how to roller disco.
You know, I bet he probably has been doing that, which is why he is exhausted, just maybe because he's retiring from a life.
We don't know what he did. He could have been a ballet dancer. Maybe he had a very active daytime. And then at night he fell asleep because he you know, he was DNA.
Why don't you get off this guy's case, let him get some rest. He's been roller just going for, what, thirty years now? DNA. I feel like Jet and I helped you and I think we're owed a very big thank you. And first of all, I hope you're watching DNA because you're one of only a few questions that have been chosen for this show. So we know your father's not watching. Right. The guy's asleep, so.
All right, Judd, I think you're I think you're doing a stellar job. And we're on to the next question. Not that you're asking for my approval. We're going to need everybody's help for this next question. Motoki writes, Should I tell a colleague she smells? I don't want to hurt her feelings, but the stench is unbearable, especially during staff meetings and lunch. So interesting, this woman, her scent grows more in meetings and lunch.
I think you need to make sure that this person is not struggling financially or there's not some sort of health issue. But if this is just bad hygiene, what would you do? Just let me be the first.
If you've done this, this I have lived this. I'll tell you, I can't. Of course you have. I can't say I was polite, but I had someone working for me. I can't remember who it was. And I think it was they made a conscious choice, I'm I'm not I'm not deodorant person. You natural. Yeah. And I went to the store, I bought them deodorant and I just said, you got to wear this.
I'm sorry. We're spending a lot of time together. You got to wear this.
And that was it. But I was a boss. I think, you know, a colleague is different if they're on your level. I don't think you're allowed to say that or you'd have to say it very differently, which is, as your friend and colleague, I think that sometimes you can't smell yourself. This is one of the problems that often you can't smell yourself. And as someone who's not you, I need to let you know that it's terrible, it's hurting my life.
And I wish you would. And you got to wear this. You got to use it.
And maybe it has aluminum in it and you go, I don't want to use the aluminum. All right, here's the aluminum.
We have poll results. Should I tell my colleague she smells? Sixty six percent say yes. Thirty four percent say no. I would love to talk to that. Thirty four percent individually and see. Well, I'd love to talk to the yeses as well. I'd love to hear what everybody has to say about that. You know, they smell too. Here's a last thought.
Maybe let them know anonymously. If you don't have the the guts to go buy some deodorant or have that confrontation, drop them a little anonymous note. That's a possibility. But I do feel for you. OK, so those are our thoughts. Those are the poll results. Thanks for writing in. Good luck with that. Jud, our next question comes with a huge amount of responsibility. This is called Name That Thing.
Name that. Here's how it works, people write in when they can't come up with a name for their dog or for their baby or who knows what, we come up with a name and they must use it.
That's the rule. OK, for instance, Cheryl Hines, she was on the show. Somebody was wanting to name their dog, and we named the dog after Cheryl's sister, Dr. Becky Hines.
So I also have found out there's a lot of people that have now named their dogs. Dr. Becky Hines. It was a real hit.
I like to all the dog doctor you could call a dog.
You got to call it the whole thing every time you. Every time. Every time. All right.
So Laura writes in, My partner Amy and I recently bought a log cabin. I was going to say, I wonder if these two ladies are gay. I doubt their business partners. And as soon as I heard Log Cabin, I'm like, these ladies are gay, or then the day is long. Judd, my partner Amy and I recently bought a log cabin in the middle of nowhere. Of course they did nowhere. New England. We have 10 acres of fields, woods and a barn where we plan on getting some small farm animals.
What should we call this place signed, Laura? A log cabin in the middle of nowhere, New England. Do you have anything, John?
Are you coming up with any? How about Rainbow Fields? No. Rainbow Fields forever. That's nice.
The little beetles twist, I never think, to name the house. Have you ever named the house?
Well, we have a name for our office and it's called the House of Wonder because Stephanie and I have an office and it started out in a live workspace and above us for people that lived and we were working. And when we moved in, we made some adjustments to the building, to our apartment, to our office. And so there is drilling and hammering, but it only went on for a day or two. We just moved in and I cannot tell you how I am not exaggerating.
The neighbors were coming and knocking on the doors asking, hey, listen, we're just wondering what's what's going on in there. Hey, I was just wondering when this is going to end. And and I would say 80 percent of the time is the same woman. And then she started to say, hey, the woman from down the hall was wondering if it was just constant, wandering, wandering, wandering. And I thought that it would be a funny name because it also sounded very like a creative place, the House of Wonder.
But it's really just that everyone around us could not figure out what the drilling and hammering could possibly be with the new tenants that just moved in. I like their aggressiveness.
We we live in a neighborhood where every house around us is being torn down and rebuilt. We live in a cacophony of noise and drilling and sawing, and we've lost our minds. We've completely cracked as human beings from never ending sound pollution. So I have a lot of compassion for those people and I'm angry at you for them.
OK, that's two days of their lives that they will not get back because you were drilling a shell.
Well, guess who's not invited to the House of Wonder. It is you, Mr. Apatow.
How dare you try to fix it up, put in your face.
Well, we have we have to help Amy and Laura. I really love Rainbow Fields forever, OK? Or just Rainbow Fields. I also like the possibility of adding I was going to say maybe something with small farm animals in it because I like that they're very specific. These animals cannot be medium size.
They're they're small. What about big house acres? Big house acres.
Yeah. Oh my gosh. Can we get a pull up for that if we can? I would love for it to appear because I would love to know what our listeners think from Pig House Acres to Rainbow Fields forever. All right. It looks like Rainbow Fields forever. Wait, this is the same percentage. Sixty six percent to thirty four percent. What is this? This is really good. And it was two seventy three to one forty three before.
So I. Doubting this might just be to make us think it's really happening. Oh, how dare they do that? I thought we had enough money in our budget to get a real pull up there. But as of now, Rainbo feels forever is in the lead until we find out otherwise. Laura and Amy, I hope you like the name of your log cabin. All right. And those are all of our questions, sadly. Before we go, I do want to ask you what the best advice is that you've ever gotten.
But I also want to know what the worst advice you've ever gotten.
Best advice was that Garry Shandling gave me a book when I first got to know him. He used to give me Buddhist books and he gave me a book that was called Turning Problems into Happiness.
And that was a book that really changed my life because it was about how you should see your problems as a gift, because they allow you to learn something. And it's called what turning problems into happiness is where the problem comes up.
You're like, oh, great, I get some now I get to work on this as opposed to oh no, I hate having to deal with anything. And it's just a way of flipping your mind, inverting how you normally think. And that made me fall in love with all sorts of self-help books and Buddhist books. I mean, I'm a bit of a self-help freak, every self-help book and a lot of that just confuses me. There's a great book now called The Untethered Soul, which I think might be the best self-help book I've ever read.
I've heard about that. I have not read it. It's very good. And Pema Chodron has a lot of great books.
So any piece of advice to look at bad things as lessons and blessings affected me. The worst advice I ever got.
I don't know if it's the worst advice, but it's advice I took from which is I was doing a sketch show with Ben Stiller and this manager friend of my manager said, you know, when you get notes from the network, that's like a battle for territory and you don't want to give up any territory because if you take their notes, they're going to just going to give you more notes.
So you have to really fight the good fight to have your vision and not let them think they can change it. And I misinterpreted that note to mean don't listen to anything.
So I just wouldn't do any of their notes. But I remember I said to the executive once after he gave me a lot of notes on an episode, well, I'm going to do none of them. What happens now and what happens is you get canceled, you get canceled and you go away. So I didn't really understand how to collaborate and hear, you know, people's interpretations of the work and how to find a way to make them feel respected and elevate the work.
You know, I saw it a little bit as a as a war and being invaded. And sometimes you are because sometimes the notes are bad. And I later realized, oh, it's really about finding the people who get you. If people really understand what you do, then those conversations are great where you try to figure out how to make it better. But if they don't understand what you're doing, then everything they say is crazy.
Yeah, that's that's true. I've I've had my share of terrible notes on projects where I'm just I don't think we're communicating correctly or I don't think that you understand.
Well, Judd, I can't thank you enough. Is there anything that you want to make sure people know about or anything to plug?
I think I'd like them to know that I enjoyed both documentaries about Nexium. Oh, yeah. You love self-help. I like self-help so well, but that's a self-help thing.
Next Nexium. Yes. I second everything that Judd says. Yes, but I'm also plugging Star Trek Discovery. And thank you. And good night, everybody.
Sweet. I want you to see. I wish I could give you. Ali. Could make you believe. But, you know. That's where Joe. Don't ask, BTIG is hosted by me, Tig Notaro, it's produced by Thomas Willette, Tracy Mumford, Whitney Jones and Shayna Deloria. Our editor is Phyllis Fletcher, executive producer Lauren D. Engineering and Sound Mixing by Johnny Vince Evans, digital production by Christina Lopez. Talent Booking by Marianne Wei's production support from Pizza Shahak.
Our theme music is Friend and Tig by Edie Brickell and Kyle. Crush Them and Listen To Your Heart by Edie Brickell. Special thanks to Hunter sidemen Lily Kim and Alex Shaffer concept developed by Tracy Mumford, our executive consultant is Dean Cappello and Gobsmacked Studios. You can always ask for advice that don't ask TIG. Just write in with your problem or send us a voice memo. You can also follow us on social media at Don't Ask BTIG. Don't Ask.
TIG is a production of American Public Media. And as always, thanks, Dana. And I'll tell Becky. If you happen to be looking for another podcast, check out BTIG and Cheryl, true story, where my friend Cheryl Hines and I talk about different documentaries every week. Here's us talking about the queen of Hersi.
I was Teekay because I we have a dog door here so the dogs can go out. But I mean, if maybe if the house is so big you just call them dogs because people call them doggie doors.
Well, because I was going to say, I meant to say doggy door and I said dog door. And I just wanted to make it clear that that you had a dog.
I know that it's I know that they're usually called doggy doggy doers. I feel like what age do do people abandon dogs?
But you still say doggy door. I know.
That's also like when you go out to eat and you get a doggy bag, you still say dog.
You don't have your dog back.
Yeah, yeah. You get your doggy bag and then you come home and crawl through the doggy door and you do.
Oh excuse me. Can I get a dog bag. Thank you.
Because that sounds like you're going to pick up poop doesn't it. Like a dog bag. A doggy bag.
Sounds disgusting. Find Tig and Cheryl, true story on your favorite podcast player.