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[00:00:00]

Narcoleptic, I mean, we have a lot of mutual friends, yes, I think we've only met maybe in person one time and we've waited until this reunion.

[00:00:10]

Yes, we said hopefully a pandemic will come and then we can hop on the horn and get to a duck and horn, horn, horn for.

[00:00:26]

This is Don't Ask Tig, I'm Tig Notaro, and here you are asking me another.

[00:00:33]

Nobody. So everybody goes to. Yeah. Today's guest is a professional judge on the Netflix show, nailed it, the very funny Nicole Byer is here to help me give advice. Nicole, you were just nominated for an Emmy for Outstanding Host. You want congrats to you.

[00:01:05]

That incredible, if you like, is what I would imagine.

[00:01:10]

I would imagine. I mean, what's the past 24 hours been like for you? If I'm going to be honest, it's been cool. And then also really nice because all of my friends have reached out and said really nice things. My two very dear friends, Paul and Madeline, sent me a bunch of champagne for me to drink. Another friend sent me donuts because I love treats. It's just been really nice. It's always nice when someone is like, Hey, you worked hard and here's a cookie, you know.

[00:01:39]

Right. Here's a cookie or donuts and champagne. That's and you and you're the first black woman. Yes. Host in this category. It's a long sentence because it's like outstanding host of a reality competition. It's like also oddly specific, you know what I mean? But, you know, categories are that's the best being very oddly specific. Nicole, you have to give honest feedback all the time on nailed it. Your take has made me make a noise.

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I've never been. Wow. That was a butter flavored cake. So sorry. I was gonna be nice. Oh, that's awful.

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I'm just wondering if you have advice on how to give people feedback, even even when it's negative, I think.

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Realizing when people actually want feedback and when people just want a pat on the back, usually people just want a pat on the back and don't want, you know, criticism, that's most people. But if you're close enough to somebody and they ask you what you genuinely, honestly think of something, I think constructive criticism goes a long way where you can talk about things you like. But then also what you didn't like and how to improve what you didn't like.

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Because if you just say to somebody, I don't like it, it's like, well, you've offered me no solution to help as like to make it better. Do you know what I do?

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I know exactly what you mean. And I'm wondering, how do you deal with criticism? Do you take it well, even when you ask for it?

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Because sometimes people ask for it and then they get it and they're like, hmm, I take criticism, OK? Like, if somebody says, I don't think you're funny, I don't think you're a good host, I go, OK, that's fine because it's subjective. And if you have any pointers, you know, let me know, scream less. OK, I could try to do that, but I love screaming. Screaming makes me me. You and I have very similar styles.

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Yes. Tig, you're so loud. You're loud. It's honestly shocking.

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But like things I don't want criticism for or critiques is like if I post something on Instagram and I like label where I'm at incorrectly, you don't need to correct it. Who cares who I hate when people actually just let me be happy and wrong?

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Yes, there's a lot of exhausting stuff and people and opinions out there on social media. You try and be lighthearted or make a joke and it's immediately down to business with you.

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You had a book come out this summer. It's called Hashtag. Very fat hashtag. Very brave. One of your tips is to wear bikinis often. And what do you say to people who think they can't wear a bikini? I say to people who say they can't wear a bikini to like, really think about why you can't wear a bikini if it's because you don't think they make them in your size. Well, that's a lie. They do make them in your size.

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I think if you don't think you'll be aesthetically pleasing to the eye, who's I? Everyone is beautiful to somebody. Somebody is ugly to somebody. I think you just have to understand that, like, if you want to swim, you should swim and wear whatever you want to swim. If you want to sunbathe, wear whatever you want to sunbathe. And if somebody has something negative to say, if that's your biggest fear, well, here you're in luck because there's nothing to fear.

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Like your body is powerful. If someone can't get through their day without saying something nasty to you, that means you affected them. You didn't do anything except show your body and like they can't live. That's crazy. That's kind of cool if you think about it. So I think you just got to like the skin you're in. Exactly. I personally am not a bikini person. I feel like I'm in costume I haven't worn. I used to wear them when I was a child.

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And now, as you know, speaking to what you're saying about your body being powerful, a lot of times I'll swim topless and I had a double mastectomy. And and it's an empowering thing for me to just head off into the ocean with just some shorts on and nobody said anything. But also, I think a lot of times people might just think I'm a man. So it's an it's an ongoing thing for me where I think I'm really empowered.

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But I just people people are like, oh, yeah, there you goes back into the water like a little fish that that guy that fella there. You may not think it's empowering, but it is for someone to see. Do you have scars? I do. I have scars across my chest. So, yeah, if someone clocks those scars that might put it in their brain to be like, oh, it is OK, I'm not alone.

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Well, I, I appreciate you saying that. I actually took off my shirt halfway through my HBO special and didn't acknowledge it and showed people my scars. And I did that because I thought it would potentially empower people because I know I was scared to have scars on my chest. And then when I realized that. Scars just mean that my body healed. Then what's what's wrong with that? Nothing to be scared of, something to be excited and proud of.

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I'm slowly learning to, like, be topless. Sometimes I'll go swimming topless and I'm like, oh, this is so scandalous. And it's like it's my backyard. It's really not scandalous. You've paid to do whatever you want, but yeah, swimming and like, letting the water hit your chest. It's fun. I like it.

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Yeah, I'm all for it. I can't wait for our beach day. Me too. I'm excited. I think we have a ways to wait.

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All right. Let's let's get into it. And and our first question is, it's about an issue that I think a lot of people wonder about. Sophia writes, How do you make friends as an adult? And this is tricky now because we're just living our lives or should be living our lives at home.

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Yeah, I mean, my answer is usually like a hobby, but you can't really get a hobby, although I sometimes have escaped gang were a bunch of my dear friends and I roller skate now and we do it in the park and at the park. I noticed an outdoor fitness class. So group activities are happening outside and you might make a new friend. I mean, you will be wearing a mask and that's like always so awkward to talk to someone new in a mask.

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But like, I think that might be a good way to, like, make a friend, but also feel the sunshine and get out of your house in a safe way.

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There's also there's also online groups that are popping up. I know that. I don't know if you're familiar with the Jane Club, but, yeah, they've really made a nice transition into online socializing. And it it started out as just a Los Angeles based company. And now globally, women are connecting through the Jane Club. And so I know that there's there's opportunities like that. There's there's ways to do it through hobbies is that your main hobby is roller skating?

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My that's my second hobby. I've just been collecting hobbies during this quarantine. My first love is pole dancing. I really love pole dancing, man. It's hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. And I really like the challenge. Yeah. Do you feel like there's a future for me? Honestly, yes. Yeah, I think so. OK, I think Polar's for everybody. I think it's whatever you want it to be. So like a lot of women, I just wanted to be sexy.

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Yes. So some people want it to be sexy and like find a new way to be confident in their sexuality. Me personally, I just want to do aggressive tricks, like I want to just like slam down in a split and how people be like to she break up like that's what I want.

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Yeah. Now I, I just want to surprise Stephanie and get a pole and throw a bikini on and just really start doing, working on some sexy moves and I think you should do it.

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Do you. Yeah. OK, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I think honestly, if that's something that you want to do, I think you should do it. I think it would be fun.

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I think Stephanie wouldn't ever recover from saying that, especially if the kids walked in. I was in a bikini upside down on a pole. I think they would be like, what on earth? Yeah.

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I hope there was something there for you, Sophia, to get hubby. We're going to take a quick break and we will be back with more questions.

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Thank you so much for listening and showing your support for our new show, you can be a part of it, actually an important part. Don't ask. TIG is public media, which means we're funded by donations. Your support makes a real difference. So give what you can today a don't ask. Tig Slash donate. Gayle and Oprah, Bonnie and Clyde, Nicole and Sasheer, famous pairs, all of them check out the best friend's podcast with Nicole Byer and Sasheer Zamata on best friends.

[00:12:07]

Nicole and Sasheer talk about everything from sex to food to their pole dancing class. Plus, they have special episodes where they bring on guests like LeVar Burton and his wife, Stephanie Cozad Burton and Jonathan Van Ness and Anthony to answer questions about their friendships. Best friends with Nicole Byer and Sasheer Zamata comes out every Wednesday and you can listen wherever you get podcasts. And we're back and Nicole, real quick question, are you perhaps a dog person? I am a dog person.

[00:12:54]

I have two little dogs, Charlie and Clyde. Oh, that's so great. And I'm assuming both wear bikinis and pole dance, and I do. That's wonderful.

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Well, I'm asking you about dogs because our next question, what if it had nothing to do with dogs? Oh, I'd love it. I'd love that little Segway into Dogville. The next question is about someone who's afraid of becoming a dog hoarder. Warren asks. I'm still single at 45, I had a relationship with a gal for three years, but it didn't work out and I have not dated after this, how do I avoid being a woman with no life partner who owns 17 wiener dogs?

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Well, first of all, Warren, I mean, if if you. Now I'm taken, I am married, I am happily married, I do not want that to end. If it does OK, I would have 17 wiener dogs, long haired wiener dogs, and I've almost convinced Stephanie to have one long haired wiener dog. But what's your feeling? Do you have any feelings, Nicole? And I know that's not really a question. I know it's not really about 17 wiener dogs, but I just you know what it is?

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I don't appreciate the wiener dog joke. That's what it is. And I'm sorry you. That's my trigger. That is my trigger. I feel I get it, but I think. Why not? If you want a bunch of wiener dogs, why not get a bunch wiener dogs? Maybe it's like one of those. If you build it, they will come. Maybe you will attract the person who wants to live with his dogs.

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If if I am your dream girl or I will go runnin towards you. I don't know if I've ever seen an old wiener dog here or dog.

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They I mean long haired wiener.

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I'm not crazy about the short haired wiener dogs.

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They're fine.

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Oh, this is you not send Salihi away, OK? I had like a blond, long haired wiener dog. We found one right picture seven was heading into the house.

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Oh yeah, I'm all about it. I think I could get them. Oh, no. We love them. You were right about blonde, blonde is a blonde, so beautiful. So what is this person's question? I'm realizing now that I got way off track with, oh, it's I haven't dated. They don't seem to be interested in dating. But if you are trying to date, this is a really hard time and you have to be married and have to say, I mean, you've got to.

[00:16:04]

You got to be yourself, you got to you got to take your shirt off, you got to have 17 wiener dogs with long hair, you just you got to if it's not right for you right now, I respect that about yourself. But if you do get out there in the world, bee, you have your little animals have your little bikini. Do your polling, you're going to find your match. I think they really think so. I really do.

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There are people out there that are going to want Warren, whoever Warren is. We love you, Warren. And we we wish you all the luck in the world. Please keep in mind that if you do get a Weiner dog, really go with the long haired, long hair and blond. Those blond ones are a showstopper for the next. Let's not stop the show, though, for the next question to call. It might be time to crush some dreams, or maybe not.

[00:17:07]

Casey writes, I have zero restaurant experience, but opening a pizza place is the thing I most want to do. Do I listen to the people who say, take a risk? When is it taking a risk and when is it a wildly irresponsible action?

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I think it is taking a risk. When you have taken a couple of business courses and you understand that a lot of restaurants run at a loss or break even before they actually start to make money. And then a lot of them, once they start to make money, expand too fast, thus negating them making money, then running in the black again or in the red. So after you take your business courses, you partner with someone who does understand how restaurants work and can give you a little bit of cash capital.

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So then you aren't running completely on credit. And then you have to make sure that you understand the stakes in your company, because I'm assuming you'll incorporate once you become a restaurant and you need to remain the majority stake owner in your restaurant in case it does become, you know, something amazing. You don't want a 50/50 partner. You want someone who's investing. Nicole? Hmm? Have you been waiting your whole life to answer that question? I mean, what on earth?

[00:18:32]

No, it's like I just mean this is a comedy podcasts. And you you started crunching numbers and you started sending people off to college and you started being completely reasonable. Well, we were just telling somebody to get 17 wiener dogs and three. We are very nearly ready to hand you an Emmy Award for your pizza restaurant advice. And that is incredible. Well, I just think people have a vision. They go, I want to open a restaurant and they don't actually think of what you write, but how do you go to the actual correct answers?

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Because opening a restaurant is a business. I don't understand the ins and outs of a business, but it sounds like you do. But I know they read some sort of Suzy Orman opening your pizza restaurant 101 book. But I think that as far as taking a risk, I'm all about big swings. And I don't know of a time that I really, really put myself out there, whether it was financially or romantically even taking my shirt off on HBO during my special.

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It's always. Either paid off or felt better to make that leap than to wonder that's where I am personally. If you have cash to potentially open a restaurant, I would say take that leap. Maybe, maybe not right now, maybe in two to five years when the pandemic will hopefully be more under control or make it a takeout restaurant. But if you believe in yourself and your abilities and you have the cash, I think it's worth taking a big swing because I think it really feels better to do that than to wonder or regret.

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I agree also, if you a pizza oven like in your backyard or something, you can start making pizzas for people, you know, and then word of mouth you can. I mean, I don't know what the hell. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You don't know the answer to that. But you know, all of the business that's just setting up a restaurant. But you can't leave us high and dry like this because I don't know how good stuff.

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I don't know if you can legally sell what you do or chiming in at all if you don't have the answer. No, I know it's just foolish of me.

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All right. So, yeah, I do. I think we solved everything. We gave some hard core number crunching and encouragement. Yeah. Casey, thanks for writing in. Nicole, the final question.

[00:21:36]

Is about getting through a tough period. Elizabeth writes, I'm often stuck in bed due to medical conditions. What can I do to keep me busy? That doesn't involve moving my body. Who? I have been there. I have been there, Elizabeth. I have been there. Obviously, I have no idea what your medical condition is. And it does get so tricky when you try and help people during this time because it always bumps up against social distancing and and which, you know, could create another health concern.

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But I know for myself, I had spinal fusion a year ago and was bedridden for a while and had many complications beyond my spine. And I set up a chair and I don't know if it makes sense to have visitors, but if people do with planning, maybe somebody and I don't know how long you are stuck in bed, but maybe somebody would be willing. Oh, slumpy. Yeah. And come visit you and come spend some time and really connect with you, because I guess I'm concerned that maybe Elizabeth is by herself.

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But even if you're not by yourself, it would be nice to have a visitor. Is there anything that you you would suggest or I don't know if you were saying a slumpy. I said slumpy. I used have a friend get tested and then have them sleep over your house for a full week. They could, you know, dress you up and put makeup on. Yeah, I guess. I mean, they don't have to put the makeup.

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It's not like we can at Berney. You can do things like you're just in bed and can't move. They can wrap you up like a mummy. But that would be great. I think so. Yeah. Yeah. I have a friend have a slumpy like I like your I don't know. The best thing I've done during this whole Gornstein thing is truly be a child. I bought roller skates, I go to the park, I just light up jump ropes for daylight of jump rope.

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You're a busy bee. But you know what I did just think about while we were talking this nonsense, this would be fun. Get some makeup, OK? Do your makeup without looking and do it to the best of your ability and then surprise yourself with the mirror and then send us pictures. Oh, I'd like to see that.

[00:24:18]

I think or make. Oh, here's another one, Elizabeth. Put a towel down underneath your head, get some scissors, cut your hair without looking and survive and save yourself.

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That's a segment called Surprise Yourself, huh? Here's our number one. You should get some nail clippers, a blindfold yourself, clip your toenails and then take a picture of yourself.

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That one's fully drained. That is fully dangerous. Is there anything else? I think that those are the only options. Yes. Surprise yourself or have a friend. Wollombi, please send us pictures.

[00:25:12]

Elizabeth And that was that was the last question for today. But, Nicole, before I let you go, we're going to try a new thing. OK. Speed dating advice. You've got a lot of hobbies. You got a lot of projects. And one of these it's a podcast called Why Won't You Date Me? Yes. So I want to try a new segment I'm calling Speed Dating Advice. What do you think of that catchy title? I like it.

[00:25:39]

Speed dating advice. Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom. Oh, my sound effects, I think. Yeah. Now I'm going to ask you to give some very fast dating tips. Great. If that's OK. Yeah, but could we hear the room one more time from.

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I was trying to. That was great all the way to the car and I loved it. I saw the intersection with ease. All right. Are you ready for speed dating advice?

[00:26:20]

OK, online dating or getting set up by friends? I'm getting started by friends, it's fun. Call the next morning or wait three days. Oh, wait three days. People love games, especially speed dating advice and share share deodorant or share an HBO account. Share an HBO account. Bad breath or bad feet stench. Oh boy. Bad feet stench. You can cover them dogs. Yeah. Yeah. Stick them into Ziploc, right? Mm hmm.

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Live with someone who plays the drums or someone who has a loud phone. Voice. Drums. Yeah, that's drums are fun because the person with the loud phone voice, you're going to go out to dinner with them and they're also going to be blabbing really loud. You're trying to just have a mean moment. Mm hmm. We're on the same page. Would you rather break up with someone or be broken up with. Oh, I'd rather break up with someone.

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That's something I've never done. You'd like to break up with someone. I would like to do that. I've never done it before. Great. Nicole, I think we nailed these answers. We did it. And before I let you go, I have one more question, OK? What's the best advice you've ever received? Always ask for more money. And have you seen really great results when you ask for more money? Yeah. Usually people have more money.

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Yeah, like to them on your table. No, but jokes aside, if somebody is offering to pay you ten dollars and you ask for 11, if they had 10, that probably means they have 20, you know. So just ask for a little bit more. Great. Love it. Thank you, Nicole. I mean, again, from all of your your jobs and this Emmy nomination, your hobbies, everything. I mean, how did you find time to be here on Don't Ask to it?

[00:28:13]

Well, it's really I cleared my day because this was important to me.

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What projects should should everybody know about?

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I have five podcasts. Why won't you date me best friends is this year made a newcomer's law and laugh? Because right now we're watching Lord of the Rings. And let me tell you, those movies are long and boring. And what's the other one? Oh, 90 day bay where I watch 90 day fiance day with my friend Marci and we talk about it and then drag her with Minoa Gappy. And when we watch Rupal Drag Race, I'm watching a lot of television and I said I'm a monetize it well.

[00:28:48]

And then I have a book. Very fat, very brave. You can buy nailed it is on Netflix. It's Emmy nominated by God. Yeah. That's the Nicole.

[00:28:59]

You are on fire and you deserve it. And I wish you all the best with everything you do always and forever.

[00:29:08]

Thank you so much. I wish you the best. Take everyone out there listening. Remember, you can always send in your own questions at don't ask BTIG and. Nicole, I'll see you at the top 212, can't wait to see you all the way at the top with the wind blowing past our head. Oh my gosh, I haven't heard that song in so long. Later Tater made. You can always ask for advice on don't ask BTIG, just write in with your problem or send us a voice memo.

[00:29:47]

You can also follow us on social media, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram at Don't Ask TEQ. That's where Joe. Don't ask, BTIG is hosted by me, Tig Notaro. It's produced by Thomas Willette, Mary Knoff and Tracey Mumford's. Our editor is Phyllis Fletcher, executive producer Lauren D. Engineering and Sound Mixing by Eric Rachmani. Digital Production by Christina Lopez. Talent Booking by Ben Lulu Duban. Our theme music is Friend and Tig by Edie Brickell and Kyle Crushin and listen to your heart by any breakout special thanks to Hunter sideman Lil Kim and Alex Shaffer.

[00:31:09]

Our executive consultant is Dean Cappello and Gobsmacked Studios. If you're enjoying the show, please take a moment to rate and review us. Don't ask. TIG is a production of American Public Media. And as always, thank you, Dana.