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Love ya.

Is this thing on Bonnie, who used to be a former sex worker and now hosts the podcast dumb Blonde. Most little girls grow up wanting to be doctors and lawyers and shit, and I was like, I want to be super hot, make a lot of fucking money, and be a rock star's wife. That was my goal as a child. And here we are. What's up, you sexy motherfuckers? Welcome to another episode of Dumb Blonde today. This woman is a freaking household name. If you don't know who she is, you are living under a rock, Miss J. Wow, baby. Jenny Farley. How you doing, baby?

Well, now I'm blushing.

You are so beautiful. I was just staring at her across the table and I was like, you are so beautiful.

Oh, my God. Thanks.

No one's stunning even in person, too. Like, you're beautiful online.

But no, I will wild online. I'm like, is that how I look in real life? And everyone's like, oh, my God, you have all this crazy work done. You've done this? And I look back and I'm like, no. I actually just think I make the most awkward facial expressions on every red carpet because I'm just that person.

I tell everybody I fucking hate red carpets. Same, like, you can go there looking and feeling your best to yourself, and then you get that fucking Getty Image back and you're like, who the fuck is this wombat? There's so many times that I'm like, what happened?

I just went to the pcas. By the way, congratulations on jelly winning. I saw. I did not win, but I got all my pictures back and I'm like, is that how I look?

You looked gorgeous, though. I thought you looked gorgeous.

I make the just most asinine, ridiculous faces that clearly don't resonate well in photos.

It's also because there's fucking 50 cameras going off at one time. You don't know which one to look at. Nobody ever fucking picks a good side to post, ever.

They want the bad ones.

They have one that has haunted me. Did you see the TikTok I made of it? I look, like, slimer. I'm telling you, Jenny, it's the fucking worst thing. And they post it in every fucking news article.

They do.

It's the fucking three Chenner. I'm like, I laughed and it was.

Like, just me too. I'm always like this and I always have pr or someone like, lift your chick. Do something. And I'm just dead inside because I'm like, I don't know what to do.

Nobody fucking gives lessons on how to walk on a red carpet either.

No.

It's like you're thrown to the wolves and you have to figure it out yourself.

And as an older millennial, I have the awkward stance or the peace sign. Me too.

I do the double peace sign.

I'm always like, what do I do?

With my hand, like, slapping my hand.

Down, like, what are you doing? I'm like, what am I supposed to do?

It's so awkward, dude. Well, I think you look stunning on all the red carpets.

Thank you.

So I got to listen. I don't really listen to too many podcasts because I do my podcast, so I don't really dive into other ones. But I listened to the Vile Files podcast with you the other day, and I really loved it.

Thank you.

I was like, she is such a sweet soul.

Oh, thanks. That was my first real podcast like yourselves, that I wasn't doing for pressed for just like 5 minutes, and I was just like, all right. I've known Nick for years. I met his girlfriend on their first date. I've known him, like, years prior. I was like, all right, I think I'm just going to take your suggestion and go on, but without any rhyme or reason. I've never known to do a podcast and understand what am I going to bring to the table on a podcast?

Yourself?

But I'm like, what does that mean? And that's where I get nervous. And I'm super introverted, and I get really scared doing these things because even though I know Nick, I'm a fan of Nick, and even though I know you now, I am a super fan of you. So I'm like, I should be interviewing them. Why does anyone want to interview me? I'm just a mom in New Jersey.

You are an icon who's been on.

Tv for almost two decades, and it feels like 20.

But yes, the longevity of that alone is so admirable because not very many people get a tv shelf life of that long.

No. And I will tell you this. If they would have told me that in 2009, I would have showered and not look like I did in half the episodes. But again, none of us knew back then.

But I think that's what made you iconic was you were rough around the edges, but you were like a diamond in the rough. And you literally have not only grown up with a generation, but you are like the big sister that nobody had to a generation.

Oh, thank you. Looking back, I can see that. And being the oldest girl in the house and living on my own since I was 17 and all these things, being raised by my dad, all of that I see being like, that's my full circle moment, was I was like the mom of the house, but the one that didn't allow the shit to continue, the one that called everyone out on their shit, still to this day. But I think it took me to be, which I'll be 39 next week. Many, many years to see it, because when you're living it and you're going through it, I didn't see it then, for one. I couldn't even establish the fact that we were famous for just being like. I was just like, I'm just being me and having the best time of my life with these crazy roommates. And it took probably within the last five years to realize how big Jersey Shore truly was.

It was literally just a moment in history.

Yeah.

It was a historic event that is going to go down in the history books of the cast of Jersey Shore. There's nobody who doesn't know who any of you guys are.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, for sure. I want to circle back to your childhood, though. You did just say that you were raised by a single father, and I had heard that before because I was raised by a single father also.

I know, and I love how you put him on a pedestal the way that you.

Bill.

Yes, Bill.

Good old Bill.

I call Terry my dad, but I'm like, I love that. And I love how you show through your videos how much he means to you, being a woman, know, grown and, like, you still give the accolades to the man who made you who you are today.

I appreciate that. It's been a long road. Me and Bill have had a bumpy ride.

Same.

Yeah. Tell me a little bit about your childhood. Tell me, like, where was mom when you were growing up?

So when I was two years old. So, first off, my parents had me in the. They were 20. I think my mom actually got pregnant, like 19 or 20, and my dad was, like, 21, 22. And in hindsight, looking back, I couldn't fathom no technology like we have now. There were no iPads. There were no cell phones. There was no Internet. And you have this 20 and 22 year old that just decided, oh, a one night stand turned into something more, and we're going to have this child, and not even in college. And around two years old, my mom got very sick with a mental illness, and then they still stayed together. But my mom was in and out of the hospital, and a lot of people actually don't know this story, so it's nice to talk about it because people always get confused. But my mom was in, out of the hospital and around. I think it was my fourth or fifth birthday. My grandmother left my birthday party and got in a car accident and died.

Oh, my God.

It was my mom's mom. So that took my mom out of the equation. And I feel so terrible because I was like, I couldn't comprehend then, like, leaving my birthday all excited. It's in February. As I said, it's next week coming up. Yeah.

Happy birthday.

Thank you. Upstate New York, there was snow, and a teenager hit the brakes and skidded across ice and t boned my godmother and my grandmother's car. My grandmother soon passed, and because of my mom, was suffering with mental illness so badly, she just couldn't do it anymore. And so my dad, at, like, 25, 26, was like, well, here we are. It's just you and me, kid. And it has been ever since. My mom is actually still alive. I take care of her. She's in an assisted living home close by. Everywhere I moved, she moves right by me. But she's like, my third child.

I always say that I inherited custody of my parents because when my mom died last year.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

It's okay. We weren't close at all, but I inherited her, and I had her in an assisted living and got to spend, like, the last year of her life with her.

Same scenario. As much as I am close to my mom, I love her and I take care of her. She's not my mom, right. You know what I mean? My grandmother, my dad's mom, was my mom. And unfortunately, she passed away right before the Italy season, which caused a whole spiral for me. But my dad's family really stood up and was like, we're going to be a community. I remember when I first got my period, I had to call my cousin, and I was like, what is happening? Can't call my.

Oh, it takes a. Yeah.

And I got made fun of in school. And someone, this is so corny. But when I was, like, 13, someone was like, said the word boner. And I was like, I don't know what that is. So I had to go to my cousin who was like, in her twenty s. And I'll never forget. There's not much I remember from my childhood because I think I truly suppressed it. But I'll never forget the look of my cousin's face when I was like, can you tell me what a boner is again? I think those were, like, the most important moments. Not the boner one, but the moment.

Listen, I remember my first boner. No, I'm just kidding.

Where I think being a mother is so important, and having a mother is so important, really, because as bad as my childhood was and as great as my dad was to help me facilitate, to become the woman that I am today, those really important moments you need with that female energy wasn't there. And I think I put my all now into my daughter because of what I didn't have.

And I can't wait to talk about your daughter later because you said some profound things that I heard. And I love the way that you mother, don't you think it's crazy that not having a mom around makes you want to be or not having a present mother, whether she is in your life or not makes you want to be? Sometimes in our cases, the complete opposite of what they were. I inherited my bonus baby, and I knew that I was not going to be like how my crazy stepmother or how my crazy mom was. I was like, I want to be a completely different parent. And has that affected you in that way also?

Yeah, I would say more so now than ever in my. Couldn't rationalize. Well, actually, I'll take a step back. In my early thought, I was going to get the same diagnosis as my mother, so I went balls to the wall.

Which diagnosis was that, if you don't mind?

Nobody knows, but I will say it. It's schizophrenia.

My mom was a schizophrenic, too.

No way.

Swear to God.

And you speak about it publicly?

Yeah, I've been very vocal about it.

And the only reason why I don't really speak on it is because she's still here. And I don't want to define her as that. But at 22, that's what she got diagnosed with. Actually, if we're going to just be open and honest, it was the. Couldn't get a hold of my mother for hours. And he worked at this great place because at 22, what kind of career are you going to have, right? And he kept calling the phone and calling the phone. Nobody was answering. This is landline, guys.

Oh, I miss those. Yes, I do miss a good landline phone call in a three way.

Yeah. So my dad knew something was wrong and knew something wasn't right with my mother, so he ran home and he couldn't find us. And we lived at like a second or third story apartment building. And he went through, you know, those back emergency stairwells, and he found my mom, like in the fetal position, passed out and me holding her in a diaper.

Oh, I just got chills.

And he thinks that she either had a seizure there or she had a psychotic break. And that was it. And I held her for the two to 3 hours he couldn't reach us. And that was the day that she went to the hospital. But I'm sure, you know, with that diagnosis, the hospitals don't like to keep people. They kind of get you healthy, happy.

Well, they put you on medication, yes.

The best of your ability and then send you back. But my grandmother's passing was the end all, be all. And I remember being my daughter's age, eight or nine years old, and I told my dad, like, you got to give up. You got to stop. We have to move on.

You were parenting your dad.

Because I was like, we can't keep living like this. Because she was so in and out of the program. But he wouldn't get a divorce yet. He was like, we're going to try and make it work. He was. But there was no relationship there. It was just like, I remember one time when I was like, seven, my son's age, and my mom, in the middle of the night, fell and broke her shin. And her shin bone was like, through her. It was very traumatizing because I remember it, but it was because her medication, she was too over medicated and she slipped and fell. And I was like, dad, we have to live for ourselves and we have to get her the help that she needs because being home might not be the best case scenario. And it just wasn't. And that was just the beginning of her health issues. I don't know if you know, like, long term psych meds can cause so many other health issues.

Yes.

But I will say this. She was the only mother I knew, as in since the beginning of time. That was my mom. So I don't feel like I missed out on anything. Like, for instance, like a mother with dementia or Alzheimer's. Like, you knew your mom one way and now, God forbid, you have to see your mother in a different light and you're always reverting back to the mom that she once was. But that took a lot of soul seeking to see. But I only knew my mom one way, so I'm like, that was just my mom. Some people have it better, some people have it worse. That was just my mom. So I'm okay with just my story because I truly believe the way that my story went. As my childhood went, I ended up where I am now. Because if I was happy and content and had the beautiful white picket fence house growing up and both parents and the beautiful family that people have, I would never have wanted to move to New York City and find who I wanted to be, and I would have never ended up on the Jersey shore.

I always say that. I always tell everybody, they're like, God, you've been through so much trauma because my mom left me on a doorstep when I was three months old while my dad was in the hospital. So I never knew a nurturing mom ever. And then I didn't find her again until, like, aol, when I was, like, 21. She popped up on my screen and was like, hey, I'm your mom. And I'm like, well, this is fucking weird. So it started a whole weird thing, but I forgot where I was going with that. I had a point, I swear. But as far as our moms go, do you think not having that mother figure in your life? Because I just want to know. Because I grew up severely aggressive, almost like I was the parent too. And I feel like not having that mother figure and that feminine energy made me pretty aggressive. Like, I was feisty.

I was raised as a boy. I say it all the time. My dad only knew one way to raise me, and it was martial arts, four wheeling, jet skiing, snowmobiling. I was raised a boy.

Yeah.

There was no makeup in my house. I remember little giants. Like, I was that girl. Why you have cherry red lipstick on, like, lip gloss. That's not a thing. I was wearing, like, fubu and Tommy Hilfiger, and I was like a complete tomboy.

Is that why you were such a fighter? Because on the show, you came in guns ablazing and you were pretty.

Mean, I want to say. And I guess that would just be my. I. There was no nonsense, right. And as you know, single family home, there is no nonsense. If you want dinner and your dad's working late, you had to provide yourself dinner, especially in the were there to raise yourself. I think it's different in a mother.

Single household because in a more nurturing, I would imagine. I would imagine if it was a normal mother situation. Yes.

The assumptions there. Yeah.

At this point. Yeah, we're bonding right now over not having moms trauma bond healthy moms. So moving on from that, which shout.

Out to your dad for stepping up.

To the plate, because back then, dads didn't do that. And some people get mad at me when I say that. They're like, yes, they did. My dad raised me too. And I'm like, do you know how rare that is, especially back then in the single dad to raise girls? Yeah, it's wild girls. And that's why I treat bill the way I do now, because I'm like, you know what? Back then, you didn't have to do that, but you did. Yeah, you're my dad. And technically you did have to do it, but you didn't have to do it.

Can I ask you a question? Sure. Did you know your mother's diagnosis before you met her?

No. So when she came back into my list, my parents kept everything hush hush. I had a crazy stepmom who my dad married, who was extremely abusive and this really bad. And I didn't get to see a picture of my real mom until I was 18 years old, and I had to fight for it. My dad was getting on a plane. I don't know if I've ever told the story. I might have. My dad was getting on a plane after coming to visit me because I had ran away from. I left home at 14 and never went back.

I've done those before. Yeah.

Never got a dollar from my parents. Nothing like, never looked back. And my dad had come out to visit me and just make sure I was okay or whatever, see where I was living. And he was getting on the plane, but because my stepmom was so overbearing, he couldn't let her know that he was doing this. So she walked on the plane before him, and he turned around, reached in his pocket, hands me a ziploc freezer bag full of pictures, and just runs on the plane. So I'm left to go sit in my car and look at these pictures of my mom. And that was the first time I had ever gotten to see my mom. And so when she came back in my life on the AOL situation, she was trying to cause problems, and she was telling her version of the truth. And my dad was just like, you cannot believe anything your mom says. She's a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. He's like, she told me she had six brothers and sisters. And when I met her mom, she was an only child, so I was like, damn. So that sent me on her whole thing.

I was like, God, am I going to inherit that?

That's what I was going to ask.

Yeah.

The question was going to be like, if you knew her diagnosis, were you scared to get it? And did that form? Because I know it happens in your early 20s. They say late teen, early 20s.

Wow. I thought it could happen at any time, like, if you go under too.

Much stress or with drugs things. But it mostly happens if it's going to happen organically, is what I heard is it will happen from, like, 18 to 24 or stress induced or drug induced. Certain drugs can bring it out. So I had, like, mandatory therapy growing up because of it. Like, the state required it, or my dad just lied and was like, you need therapy.

He cared so much about you. He was like, he wanted to get ahead of the problem if there ever was one.

Yeah. But by doing that, they informed me of these things. I don't think that they should have. Right.

Health anxiety.

Yeah. So I early tilt thinking, like, if I'm going to have this, I'm going out with a blaze.

Guns ablaze.

Got, like, full blown con Jovi, because shout out to him, by the way, he lives local to here.

We love him. I just met him a couple of weeks ago at his no music cares thing, and I was so in awe because I grew up in the rock era, so Bon Jovi was like a God with his little blue jean shorts and crop tops.

Yes. That was my first concert with my dad.

That's amazing. Oh, my goodness.

He's iconic to me. No, same. I don't think he likes us because we're jersey, but shout out to him. I'm a super fan.

Yeah, I love that.

But in the early, like, my early really thought for a solid six months to a year that I would end up like my mom. And I heated myself for that. And I experimented with drugs and alcohol and partying and not getting my shit together and resented my father for bringing me into this world that I didn't choose and really hated. I don't know, I think I hated the world because then I also grew up in an affluent neighborhood in upstate New York where everyone know upper middle class, and we didn't have that, and we were considered poor. And I was just like, well, this sucks. My school is all blonde, blue eyed cheerleaders that have all the money in the world. To me, that was a lot of money. It was probably low six figures, but to me, that was, like, astronomical. So I developed this resentment and hatred for the position I was put in. And it took until how crazy to.

Be that young and so kind of, like, aware of everything going on. Aware, but it just.

I don't know. I wish I could hug my young self and be like, it's going to be okay. You just got to go through it.

You can do that. You can visualize that and do that, and it's so healing. I've done it a few times in therapy.

Here's a question I got for you. Okay. Were you popular in school?

So I don't know if I was popular because I never wanted to follow the crowd. So if you were a cheerleader, barf. I didn't want to have anything to do with it, but I was a bully, and I used to fight everybody because I was getting beat up at home. So I fought on the bus all the time, or I fought with girls all the time. And my outlet was beating people up. So I don't know if I was cool, but people just didn't fuck with me because I was always fighting. I was very aggressive. I was always know life of the party, and I hung out with the popular but and one of my best friends, Tasha. Shout out, Tasha. She was like the cheerleader captain, but I was like her emo friend who was like a tomboy. I used to wear boxers rolled down and t shirts and tennis shoes to school, so I don't know. I don't know if I was popular. Yeah, I was just kind of always danced to the beat of my own drum and didn't care.

I only asked because I felt very mirrored with you. Like, this is giving me mirrored image right now. I'm the same because of my upbringing and because of my position in life. I wasn't popular, but I wasn't bothered, right? And nobody would try and bother me, right? And I kind of migrated to all the groups.

Same.

I had, like, a friend in each, but to me, no friend at all, because I was like, I'll fight for you, but I guarantee nobody would have fought for me, right?

Oh, same. I've always been that friend, and I'm always the fucking one who's the asshole, because I'll speak up first.

Same.

And I always get made to look like the villain, but I'm like, I don't care. Somebody has to say it, so I'm going to be the one to say.

It, and I will say that life of me and that part of me definitely transitioned to the show, and I couldn't even hide it. So a lot of times, people are like, what is wrong with her? Why is she quiet? Why is she this? Why is she that? On the show? And I'm just like. I'm just trying to keep my mouth shut, and it's just like. It looks to be one thing, but it's just me trying to not be, like, who I am, which is the person that's ready to snap your neck for doing to me the wrong thing.

My life motto was, don't start none, won't be none.

Same. But it's hard on a reality tv show because you don't know how it's going to be edited, and you don't know how it's going to be perceived, and you don't know if you're in the wrong because you're so in the moment, because to me, it feels right, right. And then I've seen it play back and I'm like, oh, shit, I wasn't in the right, or it wasn't being perceived that way because you only have one viewpoint rather than all eight, right? And there were times I was like, oh, I wish I didn't do that.

What is your biggest lesson you think you've learned just being in the public eye for as long as you have? Good and bad for me, and this.

Might be good and bad for me. It wasn't like selling myself. I notice a lot of people that go on reality tv and they take that 15 minutes and they do things that I don't think they would normally do or they would leave their significant others to try and go to LA and be something that they're not. And I always stayed authentic to myself, but I don't know if that helped my career or made it so I didn't reach my full potential in the industry, right. Because what if I did move to LA? What if I did pursue the things that I wanted to do? What if I did date a football player like they all do, or a basketball player? What if I did pursue more pr and put myself out there and do the roles that I were offered? But because I'm so introverted and because I just like being me, I didn't pursue those things. And I always question, like, was that the best option for me?

You would have been just like them. I think how you've gone on your journey has set yourself apart from everybody, and when people have so much access to you, it gets watered down. So the fact that you're almost 20 years in your public platform and you're just now sitting down doing podcasts for yourself, that speaks volumes because normally people would have gone and capitalized off of what they could have, and you're just kind of doing it on your own time.

Yeah, I dig that. And I don't even know why right now. I couldn't even tell you. It was just like, you're just ready. I am ready. But I'm a fan. I'm a huge fan of yours. No, I was just like, you're so sweet. Your podcasts are so. And I was telling my fiance this earlier, warm and welcoming, and they're not for clickbait, and they're not about taking someone down while bringing someone up. It's just like authentic. And I love you and your dad and your story with your daughter, your bonus child and your husband. And I'm like, these are the people that if I was to do a podcast, which I normally wouldn't. This is what I would want to do it with. These are the people I want to be with when I do it. Appreciate that.

That is, like, such a sweet compliment. And it's hard for me to ever. I tell everybody, you got to take your flowers while you're here. But when people give it to me, I get, like, all squirmy and I'm like, hey, you want to make out? Like I say something weird, but I appreciate that. And thank you so much because I've really worked so hard on this podcast to kind of set myself apart from all the rest of them because I've been doing this for so long, and for you to be able to see what I'm trying to do just makes me so happy.

I see it, and I'm a fan.

I appreciate you. Let's circle back to your childhood. So you're growing up with dad. You are going to school, and then you get out of school and you go to college for graphic design.

Yeah. So we didn't have a lot of money growing up, but my dad loved taking me to Disney every few years. And when I was a teenager, I got to go to Disney with my dad, which I'm still a huge fan of.

Don't you have a sleeve?

Yes.

Yeah.

And I wanted to be a Disney animator, so I started going to college for software development and CGI and computer graphics and animation. And I'll just be honest, I was awful at it.

I can't draw a fucking stick figure.

I can draw.

I admire people who can, but it.

Takes a different breed of person to do what animators do. I mean, you're in a room 60, 8100 hours a week animating seaweed for a movie. So during college, when I was in New York City, I got it like this, kind of like this little offer. Like, do you want to be on a guido voting off show on Vh one? Sure. And this when I was like 22, 23. But fast forward, when I was going to take my last year of college to graduate to do something, I had no idea what I was going to do, because again, even though I was going to college for it, I didn't think I had the ability to do. So it was do my final year or go on a show that was just recently bought by MTV, no longer VH One. And it was recasted as, like, a real world. And they're like, do you want to do that again without knowing anything?

Yeah.

It was just, you're going to show up in New Jersey and you'll either be on it or you won't. At 25. And looking back, 25, I couldn't even wipe my own ass. I don't know how we send troops off at 18, because even raising children, 18 ain't shit.

I try to tell everybody that, like, 21, 22, you're still babies.

Babies.

And people get mad at me for saying that. They're like, they're old enough, they're adults. They need to be held accountable. And I'm like, because I'll have, like, young ins on the pot, youngens, 21, 22 year olds on the podcast. And I'm like, you're just a baby. And people in the comments will be like, they're not babies. And I'm like, this is a baby. You don't know what you're doing at 21. You're not doing what you're doing at 21 at 41, that's for sure, 100%.

And I see it all the time. And looking back, I'm like, you were a child, and it was a blessing and it was the best experience of my life, and it still is. But I still think until you're 30, you were a child.

Yeah, absolutely.

You have to go through some hard shit to be like an adult in my eyes before the age of 25.

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2024 I wouldn't say regret, but I would say I wish I was more prepared. But I don't believe any of us production, MTV, Biocom, the cast, any of us were prepared for what that show was going to be. And I will say this. I do regret going in. So closed off. So a lot of my roommates had brothers and sisters. I'm an only child. They lived with people in college. They've had more experiences. I went in never living with another person besides my dad, never having the shock value of having roommates and sharing a bathroom.

The different personalities.

Different personalities. So it was so like when people are like, oh, you were quiet or you're this or that. I was just shut off. It was a culture shock to me.

You take me as the type of person who reads energy, too. Like, you may not even realize that you're doing it, but you're assessing the situation before you jump into it.

Yes. And that's just like, oh, the best parts were like, oh, she's high. Or, I get that all the time now. She's on Xanax in episodes, or she's a natural downer personality as it is. Like, if I did any of those things during the day. I would be drooling in a corner somewhere.

I could smell a Xanax and I'll pass out.

It's just me being me. If I'm not assessing the situation, I'm completely zoned out. I'm literally thinking about what I have to do in three days with my daughter, cheerleading or like, I am just completely desensitized and disassociated.

Disassociated. That's a good word. But because of all the trauma that you went through as such a young girl, you probably do disassociate.

And I did that on the red carpets too.

So getting back to how it's so overwhelming. Yes.

So I have stage fights. So when all those photographers or all those people are yelling and saying everything, I completely disassociate. Or I'll disassociate on the show when I know something's going to happen that I'm preparing for. And I'm just like, here it comes. But my facial expressions give. I guess they give Xanax or frozen botox, which I need right now, by the way, very badly.

Your skin is beautiful, by the way. I've been checking it out this whole time. You don't have one flaw on your skin.

It's amazing. No surgery, like everyone says. But I do do injections.

I think it's because you have beautiful cheekbones. Because I have cheekbones too. Anybody that has fucking cheekbones, we get accused of having facial surgery.

Yeah.

And I get it. I understand. Because people have the bucal fat removal and, like, the cheek implants. But sometimes people just have natural cheeks. Yeah.

And mine are more prominent when I'm thinner and my weight fluctuates. Like, day turns into night because I'm either like, an emotional eater or I just. During COVID I probably gained, like, 25 pounds.

I think we all gained weight during.

COVID but so everyone after that, it's like, oh, my God, she's changed so much. She looks so different. It's just like, no, I checked myself because during COVID I'm sure it wasn't great for a lot of people, but there was a lot of drinking and eating. It was very unnecessary in my household. I did not work out. I was drinking a bottle of wine a night, facetiming my girlfriend, and it caught up. I finally got my shit together and I lost the weight. But everyone's like, the surgery and she's frozen and she looks medicated. It's just like, no, I'm 38 turning 39. I'm on a reality show now. I have children. Having children is a different ballgame. Being on tv, I don't want to misrepresent my family. I don't ever want my children to look back at me and be like, how dare you? Because it's also a new age. 2009 is not 2024. And the way we live, what we said and did in 2009, you cannot do today. And even just as an older woman, I wouldn't do. Yeah. And all that is flooding into me every time I film or every time I'm on the red carpet or every time I'm moving, and I just straight up disassociate, and I'm just like, well, let's think about something else in my head.

Do you think you'll ever stop filming?

I hope not. Yeah, I really hope not. I think our fans are growing up with us.

They've grown up with you. Now you guys have a new generation that you guys are raising.

Those are funny.

Yeah, those are funny.

First off, I'll go to the award, and I'll have, like, a 20 year old be like, I watched you, and I'm like, where was your mother? Your mom ain't my mom. Where was your mother?

Right.

Because you were not supposed to be watching me at eight years old.

But that's what I mean. When you were that big sister or even possibly a mother figure to these kids that grew up watching you.

Yeah, it is beautiful to see. And I always try and think of that. I'll always be myself, but I'll always have that kind of, like, in the back of my head doing television. Like, what would your daughter think of you in this moment? But old teenage Jenny is always there. This is just my personality. And I'm sure with you, our personality is our personality. Our childhoods are what built us, created us, and made us. The little bit of mandated therapy I did in as a child is okay, but I am so pro advocate therapy, but I don't do therapy today.

Right.

I live with my demons, and I like it. I live with my trauma. Yeah. I became friends with my demons. I became friends with my trauma. It's segwaying into something that I want to try new in this world that I did during COVID because I think I can translate those demons and that trauma into art where if you can't do that, because I think I am just an artist because that was my dream as a child to grow up and do Disney and become an animator. I want to change my trauma, and I want to take my trauma and just turn it into art in other ways. Whereas if I had someone come up to me tomorrow and was like, my son has this, or my daughter has this, or I experience this trauma, I would 100% advocate for therapy.

Right.

But for me personally, I could just rant all the time, my trauma, I don't know. I would love to know your side, too, of how you feel with that.

Yeah. So I think focusing on you really quick, I think that you feel that way about therapy now because you were forced to do it as a child, too.

Possibly.

I was forced to do it as a child. So when I was going through my super rebellious stage, I was like, fuck this. I'm not doing therapy. Nothing. And then 2019, I got my implants taken out, and I had a miscarriage, and it sent me into a fucking spiral. And I'm telling you, the suicidal ideation was something I had never dealt with before. And when you talk about being, like, becoming like your mom, that was my biggest fear in that moment. I was like, this is it. This is my breaking point. I'm never going to be able to pull myself out of it. And that's when I got back into therapy, because I was like, I have to let this out somehow. I didn't have a creative outlet besides the podcast, but I don't trauma dump on the podcast. I prefer other people to trauma dump. So I did get back into therapy, and I learned to fall in love with it because I learned to look at it as a way of kind of psychoanalyzing myself and figuring out what I needed to do to heal. That doesn't mean that's beautiful. That doesn't mean that that has to be your story.

I think turning trauma into art is an amazing analogy, and I think that that's beautiful also.

No, that's beautiful too. I'm so sorry, though. May I ask why you got your implants removed?

Sure.

Only because I recently had to get mine redone. Wow.

Okay.

Yeah.

So I was having these. I have severe anxiety, and I had just got out of an abusive relationship when Jay and I met in 2016. So I'd never healed from that, and I had to heal. During the beginning of our relationship with my husband, I was having these panic attacks. I couldn't go to the concerts because it looked like I was on acid. Like, the room would start melting. I couldn't see people's faces. It was really bad. And I had also recently got sober. I got sober in 2017 off of Xanax and Loratabs. And then I got cocaine and then I got sober off alcohol in 2018.

Congratulations.

Thank you so much. So I think it was just a whole smorgasbord of never going my whole life feeling anything because I was always numbing shit to where when I was just like, I've got to figure out what's going on with my body. And then also my left boob was, like, swelling so high, and it was just like, you couldn't touch it, and you could feel like, something in here. It was crazy. So it was just like a bunch of things. And I was like, you know what? I'm going to get my fucking implants out. Maybe that'll help my mental health as well as get the swelling to go down. And so I didn't have Bii. I did have symptoms of Bii, but I don't. Breast implant illness. Yeah, but I don't know if I can claim that I had breast implant.

Illness, because I know no capsuler contraction.

Some women battle that. So they went in and they did the surgery. My implant folded in half, and scar tissue started growing around it. So that was why my left implant started getting so big. I had no idea a fucking implant could fold in half.

And Frankie can back me on this. My producer in July, I had the same thing.

No way.

That's why my jaw dropped. My left boob. I box, and I tore my muscle, and my implant folded, and I had a capsuler contracture, and my implant tried to go through my shoulder.

Oh, my God.

Through this hair. It tore, and I had to have, like, an emergency removal.

Oh, my God. Yeah, I just got goosebumps.

Yeah. And didn't think. Never knew that was a thing. Had them for ten years. Not an issue. Not one day where it tore. The scar tissue developed because it's realizing it's a foreign object.

Right.

And it's trying to push it out. And I had to go in an emergency surgery. And I'm only laughing because I was like, oh, my gosh. Someone else experienced. No.

That's wild. You're the only other person anybody else I've told that to. They're like, how did it fold in half? I'm like, I have no fucking clue. Do we know how yours folded in half?

When I tore, my muscle was swollen, and it just kind of, like, curved it over. Yeah. And it just started manipulating, but my arm went numb. I was, like, tingly. It felt like I thought I was having a stroke. Tingly my arm. My fingers were going numb. I couldn't lift my arm over my head, and it just looked at like, high.

Were you in pain too?

So much pain. And then I started getting bigger. Yeah. So it technically wasn't bigger. It was longer. Oh, God.

Because it was trying to squeeze out.

So my plastic surgeon said that was the first time I did shoulder surgery. He found part of my implant in my shoulder.

Oh, my gosh. Do you have saline or silicone?

Silicone.

Oh, my gosh.

That's scary. I was, like, dying for pictures and videos. He did not take any. I was so mad because I was like, I want to see. So he had to go in and pull the implant from inside the pit shoulder.

Oh, my gosh.

You couldn't see it up here, but in pictures, I'm like, oh, my. I didn't realize how high it was.

Oh, my God.

But the pain is, like, out of this world.

Wow.

As you know. Yeah. Are they gone gone?

They're gone gone. These are mine.

Good for you.

Thank you. I mean, listen, I tell everybody if I'm feeling froggy when I'm 60 and want to get these old, saggy, runny eggs fucking up here, I might get some implants when I'm all 2ft in the grave. But right now, I think that esthetic that I had, I was the super big boobs and just super bleached hair. I think as you get older, you try to go, like, more of a natural route. And I love fake boobs. The way they sit, the way they look. Love them. But my body just rejected them.

Same. And I said to him this last time, I said, if it happens again, because now I have this pocket from the muscle tear that if my body rejects. So this is what happens when you have something like this. And I'd love to share this because people don't realize bii or things that can go wrong or capsule or contracture or things of this nature and how plastic surgery. And this is why I'm not. I'm an advocate for plastic surgery, but I'm always like, you have to know a to z when it comes to plastic surgery. So because of this situation and because my body decided to reject my implant later in life, I had to get, thank God, not option a. But I will explain option a. I had to get a human donor mesh to wrap around my implant so my body wouldn't reject it again.

Oh, my gosh.

So this is like, my last chance that made out of, God forbid, I'm assuming, an accident where someone donated their.

I don't know, what is it like? Is it skin, muscle?

I wish I could tell you. It's a mess.

We'll have to google that.

Can you guys Google that for me? The other option, which was a. Which really kind of upsetted me because I don't eat pork. I haven't in over a decade, was pig skin. So going into this emergency surgery, I thought I was going to have to have pig skin wrapped around it. And it's just a way so your body doesn't reject the implant. It doesn't look like it as a foreign object.

Right.

So I'm assuming it might be human skin. Secondary option. But thankfully, he was able to get that instead of pig because I was, like, the irony here, of course, I don't eat pig for ten years. Now I'm going to have it inside of me.

Is it a personal choice or religious choice for the pig?

Personal. I fell in love with pigs, and I don't know, I love animals more than humans. Me too. And when I fell in love with pigs, I look at them different now. Yeah, it's fat.

Okay. Weird.

Yeah.

That is weird, because you would think fat would disintegrate.

Donor fat. Yeah. So it's just so, like, wherever they cut you open to put the implant, they mesh it so there's a barrier between your body and the implant for rejection purposes.

That is wild when they pulled. So he gave me my implants after he pulled them out.

I'm mad at my doctor.

There's shit floating around in them. Yeah, I did a TikTok on it. There is literally, like, you can hold it up and see. And I had saline. I didn't do silicone. But you can see shit just floating around in the bag.

Oh, my God. So it penetrated inside the bag.

I don't know. I don't know what it is. I don't know what's in there, but it is gross. I was just like, again, it's saline. It's not silicone. So if something can creep into a saline valve, that's a little scary.

That is. Yeah, but your way. I reduced mine, but if this happens again, I'm taking them out.

Yeah. I love it.

Some flapjack titties.

I don't know. The body is so resilient. I thought I was going to have flapjacks. The body is so resilient that your boobs fluff back up. It's wild. They fluff back up. So I have, like, little perky and I did a tiny lift with a microsurgeon, so I don't have really bad scarring. As long as you have a microsurgeon, do your lift.

Yeah.

They look really good.

I did a lift because I went from a g to a c, and I have to be like, I'm so happy because I barely see them, and it only hasn't been long, so I think when I can get, like, a laser or something or, like, a scar reduction, I think they'll be gone. Yeah. But absolutely. My playing, though, to the gods that it doesn't happen again.

No, it won't. And we won't speak that in your life. But my friend does scar tattooing in Vegas, if you ever want to go to him. And he can get rid of any scars that you.

Ooh, yeah.

It's amazing. They do flesh colored tones. So tell me about your relationship with Nicole. How did you guys become best friends, and are you guys really best friends in real life?

Yes. I will say I spoke to her this morning. I can't even say how it happened. And maybe she needed an older sister because she's an only child, and I needed a younger sister because I'm an only child. And our personalities are so different that it just worked. She's just so sweet and innocent and pure.

Tiny Snooky is sweet and innocent.

She really is. She is day to day. And I look up to her even though she's literally a foot shorter than me, because she's just this, like, she doesn't like confrontation, where I'll take confrontation head on, and that's where her sweetness comes from. She doesn't want to fight. She just wants to have a good time. She just wants to party. Here's the best example. And she'll probably be like, why'd you talk about this? But, like, six months ago at her summer house, she invited me off camera. This girl has ride or die high schooler friends, a dozen of them. I can't say that about me. I have, like, one or two. But because I moved to New York City and went to college and separated from everyone because I needed to escape my childhood, I don't have that. And she took me into her circle of friends and her best friend since high school and me started crying over how much we love this girl and how much we love protecting her. So her best friend Steph, was worried that I was going to take the position, and I always thought I was worried that I was overstepping Steph, but her best friend since, like, three years old was like, I'm so happy she has you in this life to protect her in this industry where I can't.

And I was just sobbing, and I was like, thank you so much for allowing me into her life, but we just being completely different people. We just work, and that might just be the reason why we're so close. And we talk 100 times a day, and we're our kids godparents. And her first born is my godchild, and I love him. I just love her kids unconditionally. And my daughter knows that that's her aunt, and my daughter knows sissy is her cousin, and they talk every day. But I look up to her in the sense that she is one of the most amazing parents. She took the world by storm by getting pregnant early on to the point where Dr. Drew was like, diphus should be called on you. If we find out, you're really, like, the world was not ready for Snooki to be pregnant.

Right.

But by choosing to have Lorenzo and saying, this is going to be my life, nicole immersed, and she's fucking incredible. I look up to her for business advice. She owns all these beautiful stores. Mother advice. She can take on any task and own it. And she's still snooky.

Yeah.

She still wants to party and have a good time. I would be fucking exhausted in bed by 02:00 p.m. She's still like, let's rage, and we're going out till 06:00 a.m. I could never. And that's where my personality is. Like, bring it back.

Yeah.

I'm going to reel you in.

You might be the calm to her chaos.

I think so. And I think when we're filming, we need that. We need each other. There is not, like, I could use you. No. It's really like, I need you, and we're so ride or die. I don't care who's wrong, who's right. I'm going to be in a nursing home with her next to my mother.

You guys are each other's emotional support humans. We are.

And I'm so thankful for her because I don't think if any other scenario would have came into play or our path would have crossed in any other light, we would be who we are together. It took being on the show together to make us bond in the way that we do. But she's my favorite little person. Just my little, tiny, little nugget. She is. She's my little nugget. She's my little squirrel. I call her.

I love that last question about Jersey Shore. And then I want to move on to your kids. How do you feel about sam being back?

That one was emotional.

Yeah.

Because. And I hope she agrees. We were super close before Jersey shore family vacation came back. We weren't really that close during the first six seasons of Jersey shore, but after that, I thought we were really close. And it hurt so much when she didn't come back. But again, this was me being young, not seeing it through her lens, not seeing it through her eyes with her ex, because I don't think I would ever go back on a show where my ex was. And I got bitter. And I got bitter to the point where I was, like, hating on her because I was like, why do you hate us so much? You won't come back to us. But now her being back is such a blessing, and it's like we haven't skipped a beat. And she's added to group chat. We speak almost every day. And it's the sam I've always wanted that I was never able to experience on a show because her and I, and I don't know why because I wouldn't say we had the same personality traits. Her and I could never click the way that I always wanted to click with her in the original Jersey shore, right.

And we just developed that relationship before family vacation, and then it was, like, stripped. But now we have the relationship I've always wanted with her. And I'll be honest, I'm not a girls girl, right?

You got to fold me. I think you are more of a girls girl than you give yourself credit for.

Authentic girls.

Right?

Got you. And it's very hard, especially being on tv, to find someone that authentically wants to be my friend.

Right.

I think it's easier for maybe guys, or I just end up gravitating towards guys because there's no drama, right? But to be an authentic friend is so hard, especially, like, a woman trying to find another woman.

I agree. That's why I have my tribe, and.

I'm obsessed with that.

I agree with you. Finding an authentic girl gang is really hard, but it's like, once you find those people, they are literally family.

You can't let them go at all.

It's amazing.

And I have one, and I say one friend from when I was in my single digit years old that I will never let go to the day I die, she is my ride or die, and I found a few along the way. But to say that I have girlfriends on a show that I've been with for 15 years, that I could call tomorrow or right now and say, I need your help. I know these girls would pick up nicole especially. She'd be like, what the fuck you do? But she'd pick up.

You do.

And that's the most special part of the show. But I will also say that might actually be our downfall of the show, not our relationship, because there's not enough drama, because we protect each other more than, I think any other show. And the boys, too.

Yeah.

There is something about us that drives our producers nuts that we will literally side text each other like, is this okay?

But you guys have learned that through the years, because honestly, and this is not me disrespecting Jersey Shore in any way, but you guys have been through some trauma and shit on this show. So now you guys actually have personal boundaries that you guys don't want to.

Cross with each other. And you'll see families involved now 100%. And you'll see that with Sam. With this new season that's airing, Sam is going to meet Ron soon, and it's been a decade, and, oh, I got chills. And from the girls perspective, we were riding and dying for Sam. As much as we love Ron, I told Sam in the show, and I don't know if it's going to air or not. We don't get to see it ahead of time. I need to be a girls girl for you, because ever since the note, I wasn't. And even though I didn't know what was going on in the note, and I only took information I heard and I wanted to send it to you, and honestly, it's whatever. Because again, at 25, you're a child and you don't know how to handle things.

But in the note, you were warning her about him, weren't you?

Yes.

That was kind of a girl's girl move.

It was. It was being diplomatic, because what I was warning her about, a lot of people don't realize Nicole and I never witnessed.

Right.

So we were just being told that information, gotcha. And we can move on from it, and it's know it's buried. But we were kind of like, being like, well, if it's not true, nobody's hurt. If it is true, then the information is known.

Right.

But this season, that's airing. I am like, I need to be your girl. I need to have your back. And whatever you don't feel comfortable with, I'm going to have your back. And I can't wait for the viewers to see how it plays out, because even though I don't know, I was there and I don't ever want her to leave, and I don't ever want her to feel like she's not in a safe place. So that is where I say, I do love girls and I am a girls girl, but it's to very few.

I think you get to a space in life, though, where we aren't who we were in our older. You realize that you want that feminine energy around you. Even if you hung out with nothing but dudes your whole life, there comes a point in your life where you just want the softness. Yeah, I couldn't agree.

And it's beautiful if it's the right group that you have and you want to ride or die for them.

Yeah, absolutely. Well, I think they're lucky to have you on their side. So let's move on to the babies. I read somewhere that you actually, around the time of your grandma's passing that you had a miscarriage yourself.

Yeah, I actually think it was within like 48 hours.

Oh, my goodness.

Yeah. I flew to LA for my book. I didn't know what I wanted to do. I just thought I was in the heightened spot of my life and having a kid. I was shocked. But I went to my doctor and I realized there was no more heartbeat. And then I had to live with that trauma.

So you knew you were pregnant?

Yes.

Okay, so you knew you were pregnant.

Early on before, like the twelve week mark got you.

So it wasn't like a surprise miscarriage? I mean, it was a surprise. But you knew you were pregnant.

I knew, but I knew something was wrong. I don't know if when it happened with you, I just didn't feel something was wrong.

Oh, yeah. And then us as women, we just know our bodies.

Yeah. And I had to pick myself off the floor. It was such an awful. I'll never forget the feeling. I don't remember the moment. I remember the feeling of just being like, I have to go to a book signing, and I had to pick myself off the floor. And then I had like three book signings or something in La County. I was at my third one and I get the call and it was like ten or 11:00 p.m. Our time, which is like 02:00 a.m. East coast. And it was my dad. And I just knew. I didn't even have to answer. I just knew. And when I tell you, from what happened with the baby, which seems so insignificant to my grandmother, it was just game over for me. Like, I was just a show, true show of a human being. That was rough. And we had to go film, like a month later, Italy, which was. And when you film at that time, no cell phone, no Internet, no tv, no anything. Pens, papers, nothing. You're just in it. And I think Italy, because I couldn't escape or numb myself, I had to deal with those demons.

And I'm 140 pounds. Walking like, this is my weight. I was probably 120 pounds in Italy. I didn't want to eat. I don't want to sleep. At that point, I was like, can I take drugs to end my life? Like, the suicidal thoughts come into place because pain sucks. Pain is terrible. Grieving is. Yeah. Grief is just, like, debilitating. And then I have cameras in your face. They didn't even know. They knew, but they didn't know the extent. They didn't know about my mom. They didn't know that my grandmother is the one that raised me. They didn't know. So it's like production couldn't even step in to help because I was just a shell. I wanted the hate. I wanted to feel like the piece of shit that I was. I didn't want to feel better or to grieve or to go get therapy, which I really should have at that time. I don't even think it was an option for me. To me, there was no options. Besides, like, this is how you're supposed to feel, and I wanted to numb it all. It was pretty trying.

I don't know how you, even us as women, are so resilient when it comes to our emotions, because to film while you're having suicidal ideation is. I couldn't even imagine. I know I was in a dark room, and I remember Jay came in, and he just held me one time because I drove myself to the hospital, and I had called my mom on the way there, and I was like, I am having these thoughts of where I just don't want to be here anymore. And it's scaring me. So I'm taking myself to the hospital, and she calmed me down. I couldn't imagine having to go and film in another country at that too, while going through that.

Yeah. And so the miscarriage, I didn't even have to speak on that because my grandmother died. So I was just know. And I actually spoke about this on Jersey Shore family vacation when we came back because Mike was just recently sober and clean. And I was explaining to him my experience with drugs, because I've dabbled. I've always been, like, the partier and stuff. But at that point, right before Italy, I tried speedballing.

Oh, shit.

To roll the dice. So it wasn't like an intentional, but I was like, we're going to roll the dice.

When you say speedball, what was it?

It was. I'm pretty sure it was xanax and cocaine.

Okay.

Got you, like, a rower and an upper at the same time.

Yeah.

Is that considered?

I think speedballs are heroin and meth. That's why I wanted to clarify. I wanted to clarify that I could be wrong.

2012 version or eleven version? No, it was a downer and an upper.

Got you.

It was my first script of Xanax because they were giving it to me to get through the funeral, and it was just a bandaid. Right.

I love the way Xanax makes me feel. You just forget everything, and it was.

Only one script, and then I'm a natural downer. So when I took it, I was, like, falling asleep, but I partied early.

Drink on it.

And it's drink. And so I was like, well, I want cocaine now to keep me up. And then I was just like, well, I don't care about my life, so let me add alcohol. And then I would be like, too high. So then I would be like, let me go back down. And it was short lived. It was a couple weeks of my life. But I literally, in those few weeks before filming, and thank goodness that I was able to go filming because it probably saved my life because you can't access those things in Italy.

Right.

And then I dropped all that weight so quickly because I was just trying to numb myself to the point where I was like, I'm okay. If I don't wake up tomorrow, I'm okay. And I think Italy, on one aspect, as bad as it was, it probably did save me, because the thing with Italy is we rolled right into New Jersey without going home. So this was like 70 days of being away from friends and family. It was like 30 something in Italy, 30 something in Jersey. We touched down at JFK. We went right into a hotel. We took our Italy clothes and went right into New Jersey.

Geez, that is grueling.

It is. And it's not like what we would normally do, but we wanted to keep this momentum going. And it was production, but that honestly probably saved my life because it forced me not to deal with everything, but at least forced me to not get worse.

Right.

I wasn't able to access anything. I wasn't able to be my own demise. Even though we were partying and drinking and hanging out and doing things, there were no drugs on the table.

And you had the group around you, too. So that probably helped in the healing process.

And it's weird, indirectly. Yeah. Filming it takes you out of your reality, even though it is reality. It's not, right? So you feel like this level of busyness, and you're like, well, I'll do this. I'll do that. Where I grieved when season five was over, but I grieved in a healthier way because time passed, right? And I was really able to digest her death and what happened in February and how everything transpired.

That's amazing, though.

And actually, it was yesterday. The anniversary. Yeah.

Goodness.

It just came up on the memories because it was a week before my birthday. Wow. Yeah.

Oh, my goodness. That's wild. Isn't it crazy how life comes, like, full circle? Yeah, it's wild. Let's talk about a happier subject, okay? Let's talk about your little feisty spitfire. Your daughter.

Yes, my one and only.

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My one and only. My princess. I always say I can have a thousand graysons, and it's just because there's something about just to me having my one princess that I just want to put my all into. And she truly is Spitfire. She's a mini version of me, but she will also call me out of my shit. She's not damaged like I was growing up, so she has a beautiful perspective in life. Watching the Barbie movie really put in perspective for me because as I'm crying over the trauma that the Barbie movie shows you, she's laughing at all the funny mannerisms and quirky things, and I'm just like that right there. Put in perspective that I'm raising her right where she doesn't understand anything. She doesn't understand America Ferreira's speech and what's it like to be a woman yet, and the demise of how beautiful it is to be a woman, but also how it can be your demise. There's a ceiling when it comes to women.

Sometimes society builds you up to tear you.

Like so. For Grayson, a thousand graysons, I can deal. But for my. She's my princess. She's just everything to me.

You had said something in that interview, the one that I had referenced earlier in the vial files podcast. You had said that. And I thought this was it almost made me cry. I was making dinner listening to it, and I started tearing up. But you said, I realized I had to love her differently. I don't know if I'm wording it correctly, but you said, I learned that I had to love her differently. Like, you couldn't fight fire with fire with your daughter. And you said that you would go in there and when she's having one of her fits, you'll hug her, or even afterwards, you guys take space, and then you come back in and you hug her and you won't let go until she lets go.

Yeah.

And I was like, oh, that just like the mother wound in me, the mother trauma wound. I was like, oh, that is so deep.

I did that last night, actually. Yeah. And I always say, like, nature versus nurture, right? Because she didn't have the child that I have. She has two great parents, and she has a great stepfather, and she has the world at her fingertips. She is not poor with a single parent, and by no means she has everything. And she has my personality, that fire, that anger that I'm not going to back down. And I'm like, is this a genetic thing?

Is this nature?

Or is it like. I always thought it was how I was raised, but to me, she's me as a child, but I was raised by my dad. I always say that, like Grandpa raised me. You have no right. You have a mom as a joke. But she will come at me ten times harder than I will come at her. And I knew the day that she swore at four and I had to do the dawn and she spit it out and she's like, try harder next time. At four or four or five, because I just moved into the new house and it's been five years, I knew that I had a different breed of child on my hands, and it was magnificent to see. I was like, well, can you just at least listen to me? Because I'm like, you're going to take the world by storm. You're never going to back down. But I knew disciplining was not going to be the discipline that I grew up with.

Right.

And even though I don't believe in spanking or corporal punishment or all these type of tactics, that's what I grew up to, and that's what I knew as discipline.

Same.

So discipline in my house, I wouldn't even say it's discipline. I just think it's just like changing lanes. You can have your feelings, but there needs to be a level of respect. And if you're feeling angry, there are words that we can't say during that anger. And if you need to swear. You go to the bathroom and you swear. Or if you need to get it out, there needs to be other ways, because I'm sure with you, that corporal punishment didn't work for you either.

Didn't work more rebellious.

Exactly.

Yeah.

So I knew going into parenting, and I didn't know that I would have such extreme children that I had to learn and grow with them. And this has been one of the most challenging parts of parenting. And they don't make a book on this. They don't teach. Know. They teach you a, b, and c. They don't teach you the nitty gritty of, like, this. Know, my son, if I like, I'm going to spank you. Oh, I'm out. I'm done. He's good. Like, I never spank him. But if I say, like, grayson, do you really want me to spank you? Oh, mom, I'm straightening up. I'm good. If I said that to my daughter.

She'D be like, bring it on.

Yeah. She will snap her neck and be like, try it. She'd be like, wait till I'm your size. To me, it's glorious. Because I also know that she does not go around speaking like that in public, right? I know that I'm her safe place, where she feels confident that she can speak her truth to me, right? She is. Like, I can tell you everything and more because I feel safe around you. Because I'll see her out, and she'll mind her p's and Q's. She'll be perfect. She'll be genuine. She'll be pure. And then the moment we get in the car, she'll be like, oh, my God. And she'll just go on a rant, and I'm like, oh, you held that in.

You're good.

She knows the difference already. And she also knows I'm the one she will go the hardest with because she knows I'm the one she can count on the most, and she can do that with I mother her the way that I wished I was mothered growing up. So I'm like, I want you to feel was I never felt safe growing up in that way. And I love my dad, and I cherish him, and I will take care of him, Terry, to the end of days.

We love you, Terry.

Yeah. But it was just a different time, and my dad couldn't afford emotions. He just couldn't. He could afford to put a roof over our head. He could afford the ramen noodles on the weekdays, and he could afford the tweety bird clothing but outside of that or the bi yearly Disney trips that were, like, off campus, but he couldn't afford emotions. Emotions were just not allowed because he was raising a girl. So I allow all the emotions in my house. I allow all the conversations, all the yelling, all the screaming. I allow everything she needs so she can then be like, all right, where's my hug? And then she kisses my forehead, and she's like, good night. Thank you. So I allow her to go to bed with peace of mind. There's no anger. And I always have the conversations, and I'm learning a lot of this on TikTok, and this is why I love TikTok.

Phenomenal.

It is. I'm not a TikToker, but I watch.

Yeah, it's a wealth of information.

It is.

I mean, from cooking to mental health to how to fucking raise a baby parrot, it's everything beautiful.

It's such a beautiful platform, and I'm so thankful to be on it as a fan of everyone. But there'll be like. And I'm sure you see a lot of boomer parents don't have conversations or don't speak to their children anymore, their millennial children. And millennial children are healing from their parents and trying to put their all into theirs. And that's very much mine. Only my dad's my best friend. But there's something to be said about TikTok where you hear these perspectives, and I'm learning through TikTok, like, these conversational pieces. So I'll talk to Milani, which I learned on a, you know, if there's no more food or if I don't have to pay for your food or your house or your clothing anymore, would you still want to hang out with me? Would I still be your cool mom? And she goes, of course I'll hang out with you every day. And she'd be like, why do you ask this dumb question? I'm like, well, I saw this TikTok where there's this survey going around, if you'll hang out with your parents when you no longer need them for food or shelter, and then I'll turn her, and I'll be like, so what can I do better as a parent?

She's almost ten. She's able to grasp it. She'd be like, well, we need to fight less. And she'll say. She'll be like, it breaks my heart when we fight. And I'm like, I'm so sorry. I never mean for it to get to that level. She's like, but I know I need to work on myself, too, because I give you the hardest time. And I'm like, can you promise me something?

She has the same self awareness that you did as.

But that's why I'm like, is it like, a genetic thing? Is it just like, did I pass something on to you?

Soul picked you?

Yeah. And she'll be like, and I'll tell her, we need to keep this open dialog and conversation going, because I never want you to think at any point in our lives 10, 20, 30 years from now that you can't come to me open and honest. So if you need to check mom, you can check your mother. And I know if there's an older demo that watches, you will disagree with that on such level. And that's the problem.

I think so, too. I feel like that generation stifled a lot of their children's voices.

Yes.

I let Bailey come on the podcast this week. It's dropping, and I'm getting a lot of hate for letting a 16 year old talk about her trauma. But that's what my platform is about. So when my own child comes to me and says, mom, I want to tell my story so that it can help other kids my age, what am I supposed to do? Tell her, no. You have to wait till you're 18 to speak about things that have happened to you. It's wild that that demographic could even disagree. So look at their own glass houses and worry about their own problems.

Do as I say. You're not allowed to have a voice. But it's like, what kind of parenting is that? It's not when your child can't have a voice, and then it's a one sided conversation because you're self proclaiming you're perfect as a parent, and what you're doing is righteous and perfect. And at the end of the day, every person is imperfect.

Yeah, absolutely.

I am parenting you wrong, and you need something else. And I learned that when I said that on the vile files. I learned in that moment disciplining her in that way won't work.

Right.

And I needed to educate myself on how do I break down her walls and make her feel safe and loved while disciplining her.

That's what a mom's supposed to do.

Yeah.

Figure out how she can get through to you. Figure out how you'll create that, keep that bond and create that open, safe communication and just even a healing environment for her.

Yeah.

That's a definition of a mom to me.

To me, too. And unfortunately, I'm learning that I didn't have that. So I'm learning that.

But you're doing a great job.

And as I can see, so are you.

I appreciate it. You don't have to compliment me, though.

You got to take your flowers. You're not getting enough credit, too. You have your bonus child, and you're learning the same way I am. And you're giving your teenage daughter a platform that is allowing her to speak because she has trauma, like she lost her mother. These are terrible things to go through as a child, and you're allowing her to heal and learning. And I can't even say that for parents that I know that birth these children, and I know people in my life that I'm like, you need to educate yourself on parenting a little bit more. And I'm not saying that I'm great by any means, but I think I know my children well enough. And that's all it is. Just get to know your children well enough to see what works and what doesn't and don't follow what you know.

Even better, become the parent that you needed. And that's what you've done. And that's what I'm trying to do with Bailey. Bailey's story is so similar to mine as a child, it's crazy. And I know that God placed her in my life to heal, and that's what I'm going to do. And I choose to do with that lesson that he's. That lesson and blessing that he's sent. So, yeah, I love it. I loved hearing that story about. It's Milani.

Yes.

About Milani. So take me on the journey with you and your son. Are we good on time? Because I just want to make sure.

Are we okay? I don't know what time it is.

It's 230.

Yeah.

Okay, cool. It's just this. And then I want to talk about your engagement. So take me on the journey with your son, because you are super outspoken about being a mom of an autistic son.

Yes.

And take me on that journey.

The whole thing.

Whatever you want. Take me to the diagnosis. Sure. You had your son, and then was there signs? Did you know that he was autistic early on, or did it take a while for you to be like, hey.

Something'S not adding up here, even though they're not parallel. When raising newborns and toddlers, you go to a pediatrician and you're supposed to hit certain milestones. And my daughter was always great hitting her milestones. And Grayson, after about a year, started really slowing down. And in the state of New Jersey, they're able to get you something called early intervention, which has no diagnosis attached. It's just like, hey, your pediatrician said he's not hitting his milestones. We can work with him. And at that point, I would say that I was pretty in denial, but he wasn't responding to his name. This is 15 months. Any cues? Do you want your baba? Do you want an apple? Do you want lunch? Nothing. And at that point, even though he was an early vengeance, again, they don't diagnose, but they will help with getting him up to the milestone that's needed. So the pediatrician can check a box, right? I really thought he was deaf, and maybe that was just, like, the hope in me, because I was hitting a point where I was like, he's not responding to his name. I actually have it. And if you want to dig it up, you can.

There's an old YouTube video that I posted on it, and I'm, like, screaming his name. He's running away. He's in his diaper in our yard, running away, and there's no acknowledgement, and he's throwing tantrums and throwing himself on the ground. And there was just no acknowledgment. So we got an ent appointment, which is ear, nose, and throat. And we got his hearing tested again at birth. Fine hearing. So I was like, maybe something happened. I'm hearing. A lot of kids in our area were having friends of ours where they needed tubes in their ears. And I was like, maybe he's just got clogged hearing, and it's muffled and he gets tubes, and it's great because he did have, like, four or five back to back ear infections. So all that was aligning. But again, I really look back, and I think I was in denial. We go to ent, they're like, no, he has perfect hearing. And that was the day that it sucked. His father went back to work. I sat in my little bmw with him and just started crying because I knew that whatever battle we were about to go through, that it wasn't going to be an easy one.

So he, again, is still going through early intervention, and the state of New Jersey allows it up until two years old. So he missed his 18 month, I think, 18 to 24 month pediatrician appointment. I purposely pushed it because I knew he was going to fail. So I was like, let's go get, like, four more months of early intervention speech, ot, whatever the case may be. Actually, he didn't even was able to apply to speech because he didn't speak. So he wasn't even allowed to do speech because there was no speech, right. So it was like Ot, and it was just their version of Aba, which is behavioral therapy. And we go to his 18 to 24 month appointment, I think at, like, 28 months. I can't recall. It was months delayed. I delayed it as much as I could just to give him a chance to nail his milestones. He failed so miserably. I laugh now because he is my most perfect child I could ever ask for. He is the light in my eyes. He's the easier one of the two, by the way, all this I heard. Boys are sweet.

It's the girls that you have to worry about.

Sweetest pie. He could do no wrong. In my eyes, my daughter is just. They're so different. They're just everything to me in two different ways. So we go to this appointment, and he fails miserably. And I knew it. I knew it. There are things that are like early signs where you flap and you twinkle toes, which is like, when you run on your tippy toes. No speech, no eye contact. When you name it, he didn't pass it. And that was the day that they wrote me a script to go to a children's specialized hospital and to find a diagnosis. And at that point, without diagnosing him, our pediatrician was like, you're most likely looking at autism, but that doesn't mean that's not a death sentence.

Right?

And also, by getting a diagnosis, your insurance can help him. So I'm thinking, okay, we go to children, specialize. And I'll be honest, I could tell they did not want to diagnose my son as a celebrity. They're like, we can't get this wrong. So I know that what normally probably takes two or three appointments was a ton.

Wow.

And they brought in specialists. They were like, we're bringing. Instead of just an ABA therapist, we're bringing in doctor, like, five different doctors from speech ot. This russian woman that I thank every day for meeting me, she had this heavy accent, and I'll never forget.

Those Russians get shit done.

She did. She had no emotion, too. And I'll tell you what she said to me. It stuck with me, and I got to find her. I have to look at his diagnosing papers and really reach out to her and say, thank you, because you saved my son. So, all five end up diagnosing Grayson. And after the tears are wiped and after all of this, you go to a window with a script, and at children's specialized hospital, they tell you you're going to come here, and you're going to get, like, 2 hours of Ot and 2 hours of speech and, like, 4 hours of Aba. And I remember the russian lady going, no, you're going to get 40 hours of Aba every week for years, and that's going to change our son's life. Not 4 hours, not 6 hours a week, 40.

Wow.

And I'm thinking, how the hell am I going to pull that off as a working mom? We just ended Jersey Shore. I ended Snooki jwow, but we were doing moms with attitude. I was pushing really hard on social media to be a stay at home working mom. I was doing everything under the sun to be, like, a brand ambassador. This is pre TikTok because I needed to make money for my children. And I was like, that alone is 40, 50 hours a week. Yeah. How am I supposed to sit in a hospital with him for 8 hours a day, five days a week? Because that's what she said. She goes, I don't care. This is what's going to fix your son. So I take the script and I go to the little almost check out, and I'm like, I need to sign my sign up for 2 hours of speech this week and 2 hours of OT. And they're like, all right, great. I get a call, like, 3 hours later, and they're like, your insurance doesn't take congenital diseases.

And apparently insurance is such a scam.

They stated that autism is something you're born with, like down syndrome, and that's congenital. It's something you're born with. I actually learned that on file files because I was like, I don't even know what congenital means.

Yeah.

And that's what my ex husband's insurance stated. Autism is by definition. I don't know if autism is something you're born with.

Right.

I don't think it's a proven theory. It's not like down syndrome, where you can see a marker is missing, or is it added or missing? I don't want to misspeak.

Missing, I believe.

Missing.

Added.

It's added. Right? 43.

And don't quote. I'm the wrong person to ask.

Yeah, I think it's like 43 and.

42 or something like that.

And I was like, wow, this fucking sucks.

Yeah.

So then I was like, well, fuck it. I am doing all these brand ambassadors. There's a reason for this. So I do all this brand ambassador. I'm on Facebook, I'm on Instagram, I'm on YouTube. I make YouTube videos every other week. And I said, well, then I guess I need my own insurance, and I need to hire my friends who are helping me on these videos as my employees full time. And I'm going to make an LLC, and I'm going to work my way around it, and I'm going to apply for the insurance that's needed from my son to get the help that he needs to get 40 hours of Aba every week.

Go, mama, go.

So I asked my friends, would you consider working for me full time? And this is when content creation was huge. We'll make YouTube. We'll do everything we're doing now, and we'll just gas it. We'll just blow it up. And I don't care if I monetize. I need to get my son's insurance. And my friends are like, yeah, fuck it. We're independent contractors, and they'll need insurance, too. So I created an LLC. I applied for private insurance. I was able to have the two employee minimum, and I spent $2,500 a month on this private insurance for me and Grayson. And he got 40 hours of in house Aba every week and Ot and speech. And when I doubled down, Aba is what saved him. He is a fucking incredible little human that is above not only the state, but our township. So with education in math and literacy, he is top of his class. Don't get me wrong, he's a little shit starter, but he is.

I mean, he's your child.

He went from not speaking. He went into first grade. He's in second, 1st grade. Without reading, without even comprehending what a word is on paper. Wow to. He is like a g or h reading level. He knows how to read books front to back. He's like, reading Harry Potter.

He talks, too. I saw a couple of videos.

Incredibly.

Yeah.

He's in jiu jitsu with my fiance twice a week. He wants to wrestle the same way my fiance does. When I tell you, he will tell me how it is. He is like, not only talks, he won't stop talking. I know I wish this for a few years, but can you not maybe.

Take it down just a notch, bud?

And he argues so fluidly. I'm like, as much as I want to be, like, can you not? I'm proud. I'm so proud. You can argue with me. Three years ago, I would never have guessed that we would be here. And I don't think a lot of people give the accolades that they need because I've had people in my life and in his life, unfortunately, that'll be like, well, you don't know if he would have just ended up like this. It's always the doubters, right? It's always. You don't know if what you did was even the reason. He could have just been slower than the norm.

And I'm like, next time somebody says that, be like, but I didn't wait around to find out.

Exactly.

I did what a mom is supposed to do, and I advocated for my children, and that's what the fuck any mom should do.

Exactly.

So proud of you for doing that.

No, thank you. And he was put into my life for this. He was put into my life to understand sensory needs and sensory issues. And I'm on the board of culture city now with some of the most amazing people advocating for children and adults, like my son, or down syndrome and PTSD and war veterans and everyone alike. So they're able to go to venues or fly or go to places they never thought they would be able to. And it's all because of him. And I thank him every day. I'm like, your story is being told through the universe, even right now. And it's so beautiful because your story is going to help so many people, and we're going to break those barriers. So everyone like yourself, or everyone with PTSD and Down syndrome and war veterans that can't hear certain noises can live a beautiful life. And I always say, and it's all because of you. And you open my eyes to want to help people just like you.

You have. What is it? I don't want to say it the right way. Philanthropic aura. You're just so sweet, and giving back just makes you so happy. Watching you talk about advocating for your son and being on the board and all that stuff, it really fills your cup. It's beautiful to watch because you can tell you really believe in this and just wholeheartedly. It's your mission in life.

Yes.

I love that.

I have two passion projects in my life. That's one. That's my ride or die. That's the one that I'm waiting for Grayson to take over my legacy in that, so he can speak for himself through his eyes. And I'll be honest, he doesn't know he has autism. We don't think about it.

Yeah, we don't need it. Why put a label on it? No need for it.

If I say Culture city or if I say autism, he's like, what's that? And I'm like, nothing, honey. Just something that mommy's talking about. Because Grayson's Grayson, and I advocate for him, but he doesn't have to know that it's because of a diagnosis he had. He just remembers who Grayson is today. He doesn't know who Grayson is or was at two, three, and there'll be a day. And that's the reason why I saved those videos for him to see when he's way older, probably your daughter's age, and he can digest that. And I'm going to let him take that. And whatever he wants to do, if he wants to be an advocate, amazing. If he wants to close that chapter in his life, because I don't believe in a couple of years he'll need assistance anymore. Yeah, he has wonderful teachers in his school system that help him, but I truly believe he'll be with the general population and mainstreamed by middle school. And that was the goal. That was what that russian lady told me. She's like, you need to do this now. So by the time he's in middle school, you won't need me.

But look at you. Kudos to you for listening to her, because somebody could have looked at her and been, like, 40 hours a week. That's crazy. But you thought it was crazy, but you still did it. Now look at the results that you've gotten with your son.

Incredible.

You're an incredible woman. That just warms my heart hearing all of that. You're such a fighter for good causes and for your children. And just after all the shit you've been through, to become the woman that you have is really admirable.

Thank you. It's still scary. My other passion project, the one that is stemming off of my trauma, where I'm trying to use it, that one intimidates me, which is.

Is it the horror movies?

Yes.

Let's talk about it.

And my fiance was like, you have to talk about it. I was like, I really don't want to. He's like, well, I'm going to call you a manager and tell you that you have to. And it's scary because I'm finally comfortable in my own skin right now. I am. I'm being honest, but no better feeling. It is, but I don't do well in it. I want to get uncomfortable again. So during COVID my dad was like, what do you want to be when you grow up? And I said, I have no idea. And I'm damn near pushing 40. But when I decided that I wanted to take. Now you know the full story of my background, where vile files didn't. I live with that trauma. But my dream was to make psychological thrillers, not necessarily horror, which I love horror, but psychological thrillers through the eyes of schizophrenic people. And that's something that I have not spoken about.

This is you turning your trauma into art.

Yeah. So the first movie I made during COVID is through a psychiatrist's eyes going through her master's degree or in her doctorate's degree and doing an experiment on people to see if she could break.

Wow.

She could break them.

Wow.

Yeah.

That's heavy.

That is. And my second one that I'm about to go pitch that I'm finalized, I just finished writing, is through the eyes of a woman that possibly has schizophrenia. So to her, though, it's real, but to the others is it? And I want to play on that. So it's not like the slasher films. It's not like the horror movies of today and things it is through the eyes of mental illness. But I think there's something so beautiful to it because to me, when I speak to my mom, and I'm sure when you spoke to yours, it's matter of fact, your mother had five or six siblings. That's what she believes. What my mom says to me, it's what she believes. And it took me 30 something years to get over that anger and being like, that's not real. That's not real. The thing about schizophrenia is, and if you have a loved one with that mental illness, you have to just accept the fact that what they see and hear is just true to them. And when you can get over that, I feel like you can have a beautiful relationship or you can just roll with the punches and you can accept their way of life.

It doesn't have to be the relationship you expected it to be, but it can be a relationship.

Right.

And so I'm taking my traumas, my childhood, and there is a day that I dream to make one about my mother in itself. But I have to actually do this. Well, yeah, I think you will have to get there.

I feel like when you dial into things, you really. Yeah.

I want to tell my mother's story through her eyes one day. That would be my avatar, I swear.

I love that.

So all the movies that I want to make and they're little indie films and they're just my passion projects because I feel like that's my therapy.

You have been making them, correct? Directing, producing.

Yes. Because nobody can take my baby from me, right. So if I'm going to do psychological thrillers, I need to do it my way. So I wrote, directed and produced the first one, the second one, I'm going to do. I wrote it. I'm going to direct it. I will hire a production company because it's actually a real budget. It's not my own money. The first one was my own money, and I'm going to try and pitch it to Paramount or shudder, whoever will have me.

Yeah, you're manifesting right now.

I hope you are. But, yeah, there's something I want to give my mom. A legacy.

Yeah.

And it's kind of a messed up legacy, horror thrillers. But I want to give people with that type of mental illness a legacy and to kind of break the barriers the same way I do with my son. Even if it's in a weird way, because it can be healing and it can be a conversational piece. If you see a movie two ways, if you see a movie that you can see it through the eyes of a schizophrenic and the eyes of a logical person that's not a schizophrenic in that movie, and you can sit together and have almost an argument or a conversation and being like, well, I agree with this person, or I agree with that one. It opens a dialog of the bigger picture.

Right.

And the bigger picture is how they view the world and how we should be softer to how they view the world. And that's my goal.

I love that. Yeah, I think that's awesome. And I think that you're doing a really good job with the trauma that you were given. I understand now why therapy isn't a thing for you, because you're an artist at heart, so creating is what makes you happy. And I think that's amazing. I can't wait to see it. I want to see it. You got to send it to me. Send me the first one. I want to see it.

My baby, one that I made in Covid, is like balling on a dollar budget. It's my proud moment to say that I'm going to do this.

This is what I'm your first attempt. You wanted to see if you could.

Follow through with it to see if I'm capable. But the one that I want to make for my mom, and I haven't even written it yet, but that one I want to make in her eyes. And I want to tell her story of how in 2017, when the hospital called me saying that she was wandering the streets for three days and was lost and confused and didn't know who she was and hadn't had a drink or water. And this was right before I was leaving for Vegas for the New Jersey Shore family vacation. And I have to shout out one of my producers, this is the story I want to tell. My mom was lost, wandering the streets, confused, not knowing who she was. And the thing about schizophrenics, they still have free will. Ironically, it's wild.

And she was our world cris, as far as help wise.

So she lived in the state of New York, and I could not get her in the state of New Jersey to save my life because she had free will, and she never wanted to move away from what she known. But this was obviously a detrimental situation I was in. So I told my mom, do you want to come swimming at my house? No. She goes, yeah, for sure. I want to spend the summer and come swimming at your house. That was my way of getting her to New Jersey to save her, because the hospital was like, well, she's going to be released. I had my fiance's sister pick her up at the hospital, pick her cat up that was stuck in her apartment, and drive her to New Jersey, where I had nowhere to put her, nowhere. I didn't know what to do. And my producer, Ashley, was like, I have an assisted living home friend. Like my best friend runs one. And she had my mom in there. Within a week. Her diabetes stabilized, her blood sugar, everything, and a psychiatrist and medicated. She was off her meds, she was off everything. And I had to go to Jersey Shore the next day.

Oh, my gosh.

But if it wasn't for Ashley, I would have never made the show. I would have never have been able to help give my mom the care that she needs, and I would never have gotten her out of New York because that's where she was choosing to live, and I had no right. So the opener of the movie is going to be through her eyes, walking those three days when we had a heat wave in the state of New York where all the air conditioners broke. I don't know if you saw it on the news damn near eight years ago. And that's how I envision the opener of it being.

I love that. And I think that's going to be captivating. Yes, because a lot of people deal with mental health issues. Some might not be as extreme as schizophrenia, but mental health is rampant, and everybody deals with either. If it's a form of depression, a form of anxiety, BPD people are speaking up more now about having it. So I really think that these are going to be healing for children of people who have schizophrenia and as well as children of parents who have mental illness and people who have mental illness themselves.

Yeah. That's my goal.

I love it. I think it's amazing. It's my therapy. I love it. I think it's a beautiful thing.

Thank you.

The last thing I want to talk to you about is your relationship. How's that going?

It's good. So I'm scared to talk about it because it is so good, and I.

Have people ruin great things.

Yes.

Try to.

We came off Rocky on the show originally, but that's not who he is, and that's not who I am. And reality tv is the devil that I play with.

Right.

And it's my career, but he is my light every.

Oh, sorry. I felt it falling, and I was, like, trying to hold it.

Oh, I didn't realize it was on that.

Thank you. Sorry.

Now I understand why there's a weight right there. I was like, were you working out right before? It would be too far off, though. I do do weird shit.

I'll eat, like, a piece of pizza, especially when we're traveling. I always tell them. There we go. When we're traveling, I tell them. I'm like, I always gain three pounds when I hang out with you guys. So I'll eat, like, a piece of pizza, and then I'll start lifting weights afterwards. I'm sorry. Once you hit 40, that shit does not come off as easy as it did.

You hit 40?

I'm 44.

I'm sorry, what?

I love you. Yeah, I'm 44. The Internet says I'm. How old does it say I am? Yeah. I always say I'm an eternal vampire on the Internet, so I've had to be very. It's crazy because I used to get so much hate where people were like, you're too young to talk about things you talk about. And I can't believe jelly married so young. And then how old is he? Just turned 39.

I really thought you were younger than me.

Oh, I love you, but no. Sorry, guys. Sorry about that. My microphone fell over. Okay, so let's get back on track, and let's talk about your relationship.

Yeah.

So how's that going? And can you tell me a little bit about, like, do you guys have plans for a wedding or what's going on with that?

I don't know if I'm going to take. So I've been married before, and by getting married, I don't think it defines a great relationship.

Right.

To me, anyways.

I agree.

Been there, done. Like, it just doesn't define a great relationship. So what I have with Zach is so precious. I'm trying to do everything I can to make sure it just stays exactly what it is. He is like my knight in shining armor, and I protect our relationship.

You guys, I am so sorry. Jenny. Goodness. I'm, like, sitting here.

I know. Trying to hold it.

I'm like, yeah, that's great. Here, let me just hold the mic.

This is amazing.

Okay. All right. We good? I'm not touching it. All right. Not touching it. All right, so let's get back to the relationship. Marriage does not define a piece of paper, and marriage does not define a great relationship.

Yes. And for me, it doesn't. I know Zach would love to get married, and I feel that we will. My birthday is actually our fifth anniversary. My first date in 2019 was my birthday with him. But being so, I guess just going through the heartache of a divorce and being so traumatized through a divorce, I don't ever want to put that on him, but I also don't want to put that negativity on him.

Right.

I want to do something different. I want, like, the Curtis and what Goldie Hawn releases.

I always say that. I always say Kurt Russell and, like, they are.

Just. It's great. And for him to take on the kids that he and the role and the capacity that he has. Like, if I'm not home, he brings my daughter to cheer. He brings my son to jiu jitsu. They have that together. He teaches him when therapy was at our, like, he shows up, he gets Grayson in the shower, he puts them to bed. They read together. They have their mantras together every, like, he is their stepfather and he loves them as much as I do. He's just such a pivotal and such a beautiful role in our house that I took that as, and I took a step back in social media and putting him everywhere because I want to protect what we have at all costs, and the world might not see it because of what we have on the reality tv show. So to me, I'm like, he is my everything, and I'm going to protect that.

Yeah, you have to.

And I'll fight you.

He's a pro wrestler, right?

Yes. Yeah.

He works for what is the same as Sareya, right? Sereaya was just.

I just saw Saraya. I love her.

Is she not a doll baby?

She is incredible.

She's a sweet, just warm, human. Just love her. She just came on the I saw.

And I was like, my two worlds are colliding right now.

She is literally, when I come back in another life, I want to be soraya because inside I'm an emo goth girl. I just don't have the ever. She embodies everything I love.

She's esthetically just perfect for that.

She's a doll baby, but, yeah. So being with a wrestler, are you a wrestling fan?

So. Actually, I'm not, but I'm learning. Yeah. And I think Zach's dream is to go to the WWE, which is just incredible in itself. We know all these wrestlers that are there, and it's not easy on the body. Serea, she broke her neck or back twice. Twice. And we didn't think that she was going to come back, so I was there the day she came back, and I'm such a fan of the hard work wrestlers put in and the accolades they don't get because everyone's like, oh, it's fake. It's this. It's like the injuries are not fake.

No, she says it perfect. She says it's fixed, not fake.

Love that. It's fixed, not fake. I love that. And the hard work and the traveling and the missing out on so many know, home life things, they. They put their all into the so. But my dream is for him to live his dream because he's wanted it. When I first got together with Zach, Grayson was two, and his mother, who's my kids, mimi. Mimi, goes to me and she goes, Zach wanted to be a wrestler since he was Grayson's age, and Grayson's just sitting there in his diaper and stuff. And to me, that was so precious because I don't know what that's like. I don't know what it's like to have a dream that you've wanted your whole life. Right? Like, I'm molding myself into the dreams that I want now based on my past, and I don't even know if it's going to work out. Right? I don't know if these movies are going to work out.

They will work out, yes.

But I'm a pig and shit being on reality for the last 15 years. I fell into this amazing. At the time that I was in college, I wanted to be an animator, but then I went to animation school. I was like, oh, that ain't for me either. I'm so thankful to mold. My dad's a used car salesman, or he was growing up. So I'm like, I am a daughter of a used car salesman. I can mold myself into that fresh new car smell and figure it out. But for someone that I meet and that I'm with and I wake up every morning to, he's wanted this dream since he was two, and I admire that so much because I don't know what that's like, and I'll never know. And the work that he puts into every morning, 530 in the morning gets up, works out, regimented. He wants to be done with his workouts before the kids and I wake up so he can dedicate that hour to helping me get ready with the kids and get them to the school bus. But the way he's so regimented and the way he carries himself and he lives a drug free life, lives an alcohol free life, except for the weekends.

And he doesn't allow himself. Even if I'm like, Monday, like, do you want to drink? Because I haven't had a drink. He's like, no, it's Monday. I admire that because he has goals, and I've kind of fallen into my goals, and I've learned through my traumas, like, where I want my goals to end up or through my kids, where I want my goals to end up. This has been his life story, and that's beautiful. That is beautiful. I'm like, I want his dream, probably more than him, to be that Wwe wrestler standing on stage and performing only because I've never seen someone want something so badly.

I know the first thing that helps a man succeed in life and accomplish his dreams is having a woman behind him who believes in him.

Yes.

Because when I got with Jay, we had a wing and a prayer.

And I know your backstory. I know you don't like the flowers and the accolades, but, girl, you too. Not only are you meant together to be together, but your backstory is so fucking beautiful. I appreciate it. It really is.

I appreciate you. He's my little chair of angel. I tell everybody he is everything that I wish I could be. My husband is just a sweetheart and just so diplomatic. I'm like, son of a bitch. What is it like to be that nice? How do you do it? But, no, I think it's a good yin and yang that we have, and I feel like that's how it is with you and your significant other also.

Yeah.

Jenny, I have taken over 2 hours of your time, and I feel like I could sit here and talk with you for another 4 hours. I just love your vibe. I love the way you present yourself. I love everything you stand for. Please keep kicking ass.

You too, dude.

I appreciate you. Thank you for coming on the podcast.

Thank you for having me. This has been incredible.

And why don't you tell people where they can find you if they're not following you, which I'm sure they all are. But if they're not following you, what are your socials?

I believe across the board, it's at Jwow. Jwow on everything. Yeah. I'm everywhere, but I do nothing on any of them because I'm just watching all of you.

I love that. Thank you so much for coming.

No, thank you so much for having me.

I appreciate you. And thank you guys for tuning in to another episode of Dumb Blonde. I'll see you guys next week. Bye.