Transcribe your podcast

We're rolling. We're rolling. We're rolling in the second Tina Turner song you sang in 40 seconds. I sang an icon. He was he was just singing I'm a Private Ancelet dancer for money.


And any old music will do.


I have I must tell you guys something about the way we are shooting this. We are still in a pandemic. And in California, everyone wears masks.


Both of my male producers are in masks and I feel like I'm in eyes wide shut and I'm kind of digging into this whole thing is very erotic. I just want you guys to know if I get distracted. That's why I'm just getting randomly aroused.


I also think that sexual harassment. But I'll see you guys in court a bit.


You ready?


Can you do a Tina Turner song in a bit? Yeah, baby. Bip bip bip bip bip bip bip bip.


I, yeah, I you know that because we've been having some serious podcast the last couple of weeks because of what's been going on in the world that comedians make fun of.


Our podcast with pop up Dave and saw David Spade and Tim Dylan and the one they like, they'll be like bop bop bop.


So the war in Syria you see things that pop up, up, give all your money to giraffe's. He said that was because he said it on bop, bop, bop.


So your grandmother died in the Holocaust. Tell us about that.


The bop bop bop juxtaposed with how serious the cats have been, I realized we might need a more serious one.


BOP, bop, bop. Being, but, yeah, we might I didn't expect for bop, bop, bop to become a thing, but people people really enjoy it and I don't know why it's so stupid.


If you guys want a ring tone of bop, bop, bop, it's on the website. It's on the front page of the website. You can't miss that. I would love nothing more than to be going to the grocery store to just hear someone go bop, bop, bop and it's there me it just goes off at one of your shows.


It's like son of a bitch.


It's already like like I feel like an annoying catch phrase that's going to haunt me.


Oh, OK. So today's episode is going to be a fun relationship advice episode. We had Romme last week. Who was amazing. I mean, truly amazing. I know you all have crushes on him now. It was I felt very deep and profound and emotional and we talked about God and all sorts of things.


So definitely profound for sure. And we have not had time really to get into Yarl's questions. I keep posting about leaving messages on the Google number and sending me messages, and I frankly just don't answer them. And I don't want to treat you all the way. My parents treated me. I want to listen and I want to answer your questions because, yeah, people will text me on Facebook. Are you going to answer that question? So that's what I'm going to do today.


We're going to answer relationship questions, voicemails, all of it.


We sure are. But don't just some announcements.


First, I sense some anger in your voice and resentment because, you know, you do the announcements and you're putting me on the spot. Want to to get off track. You're putting me on the spot. And I don't appreciate it. Well, there's some announcements that you canceled.


San Diego. San Diego is canceled. The show is canceled. Bummer. Real bummer. Sorona came through. Yeah.


As much as I wanted shut down as much as I wanted to shoot a show called Comedians and Comedy Clubs Getting covid, I decided we had to cancel that one. Wiseguys in Salt Lake City. We hope that one's on. We hope Alabamas on. But it's out of our control, believe it or not. What's the next one? My next one is my Oklahoma in.


I don't know. Here's the thing. This is why I do this community texting thing. It's called where you guys text me a one, two, two, three nine seven five to seven. That's it. To dyslexic people trying to say a phone number on a podcast. I directly will text people in whatever city they're in specifically. So when I was trying to figure out what to do about San Diego, I would only text people from San Diego that had texted me.


It was like a couple thousand of you asking, like, how is it there? What's it like? Are you guys wearing masks? What's the vibe? Do you want to go out to a comedy show? So that's why if you want to know what's going on between just text me at this number. I've said it before. I don't want your data. I wouldn't even know what to do with it. We don't sell your data.


This was just so much easier than us going door to door to try to get you to come to my show and convert you to a Jehovah's Witness. Some of you live in walkabouts. It was just too much.


I know it was a lot. And so this is a way that I can connect with you directly. So Salt Lake City, Huntsville, Miami, Oklahoma and then Atlanta. Boston. Manza Hockett, Connecticut. Nashville, Tennessee. Text me and then I can give you guys updates. Everyone's like, what's going on with the show? And then I put it in the main feed and it doesn't get in the algorithm. And no one likes the photo because my tits aren't in it.


So I need you to text me. It's always on the website.


Dot Dotcom also really recently took control of my brand.


He's had it with me posting comedy videos and he is now like a stage mom who forces me to wear bikinis outside in my pool and post them on Instagram.


About two breakdowns away from pastie.


It's really I you, Venton, makes me wear bathing suits and pose for Instagram and then he's like this got half a million likes. I'm like, yeah, no shit. My tits are up to my chin.


Would you buy them for me to prove my dad wrong.


Then you are a couple that your dad never thought I'd give you. Is like that engagement like that. OK, I'm already so you guys you know that I'm obsessed with these blue light glasses because I look at computers all day now for work and I've been wearing these blue glasses. But because my face is so goddamn greasy and shiny, they are covered in what looks like clam chowder and all I end up doing is cleaning them all day. Do they look dirty?


No, I don't have my glasses on, so I can't you can't really see either of us could see each other. OK, so those are, I think, all the boring ass announcements we have now. Why don't we get into the relationship questions that you guys sent that I have not gotten to? Thank you for your patience, Benton.


You're ready. I'm ready. All right. I feel like you're awfully. With me today, that was me being excited, are you ready? Yeah, that's so weird to see with brown hair. Benton has come to my house every day this week with a different hair color. Are you running from the law?


I'm a living rainbow. Yes, that's true. But so today you just chose regular brown? Yeah.


Today I'm going back to my roots. OK, look at it. Love a pun.


OK, it's not a pun that is upon us. Unfortunately, yes. And you're fired. Thank you. Finally.


So here we go. OK, first question. Is it acceptable to try and change things about your partner, such as fashion friends and spending habits?


It's a great question. Before I give my answer. I do want to admit that when I was in my 20s, I did try to change every person I dated, the person I dated.


Their identity was just a gentle suggestion of what they were to become like. When I was in my 20s, I would date someone and I would be like, I love you.


Now let's get to work, roll up my sleeves.


I'm going to flip this house like I should have had like a dating show on TV a little bit.


What it is. After a week, you got all your friends.


You were like, move that. But it's so true. Like, you know, for me, like, I think that I never I didn't know who I was, you know, so I just wanted to focus on changing the other person.


I would look at boyfriends like projects, you know, and it probably makes sense that my my favorite toy growing up was Mr. Potato Head.


So I think I brought that into my life later. I'm like, oh, we're going to take that mustache off and put on a pair of glasses and you're going to have this hat on. Like I thought that was my job as a woman was to change everything about the person you were dating.


It was like that's what love was right to make you the best version of yourself, which is so dumb because why are you just turning the person you're in love with into more of a catch? Someone else?


Your boyfriend is a Build-A-Bear to you. You're like my American girl doll and you know, so now I see it totally differently because, you know, I don't want to make the person I'm with into a someone better for the next person that comes along. So now when I'm dating someone, I'm like, no, I love those jeans with the orange stitches. Wear those every day.


Choco's Yes. Those crocs look perfect with those socks. And why not just wear a fanny pack if your wallet doesn't fit in your pocket? I have a perfect tie dye fanny pack that goes right.


So you've given up start taking people or you were just like, I know you love flip flops, but what about a Chelsea boot for now?


But I also I'm thinking about it. If I couldn't change the other person, I would change myself. Like I think there is this weird instinct we have as humans. When you meet someone that you have to become fraternal twins, I don't know what it it's a way to, like, think you have more in common than you actually like.


You don't have to dress alike and look alike like, you know, I mean, in my twenties I went from like goth girl to preppy girl, like to whoever I was dating. I would try to shape shift to be their dream girl or what I thought they thought their dream girl was your Barbie and Kenning it. I really was.


And if I couldn't change them, I would shape shift, you know, myself, like all of a sudden I would be into like fishing and snowboarding, you know, like like whatever I think is going to make you stay.


I was like a shitty spy in my twenties.


Every time you saw me, I was like a completely different person. And I think that we do it for like a false sense of intimacy because it does take a long time to get to know someone. But I think it's how we convince ourselves that we have more in common that we actually do. But I actually think you shouldn't have everything in common with the other.


Why would you want to date someone who was exactly like you that's so narcissistic that you've gotten to the point where you're like, is that a woven belt?


Get out of my house.


I have enough of those. But I also I'm thinking about it because for a while I was dating older guys.


I dated older guys for a while and you can't change them.


They're too set in their ways. You can't. And I and I'm I'm done dating older guys, not only because of that, just because I realized you can't get older guys to listen to good music like that. That's something that's the thing that I do tend to want to change someone's taste in music, because that's the one thing you actually have to really experience with the other person all the time.


Everybody thinks they have the best taste in music. Everyone's gone through life.


I have the best days, of course, but I'm saying like that's a deal breaker for me because it's on all the time.


And like older guys, music is always so creepy when you think about it, like it's always like she's got legs and she knows how to use them. I like to walk.


Like, when you really think about that song, you're like, oh, God. Like you're going on a road trip with an older guys and it's like, girls, girls, girls. Jesus, his music is the wild women have to go write songs about their legs. These boots are made for walking I on my legs. Yeah, it's like it's just a cycle of terrible.


I remember dating this older guy and we were like on some road trip up like the California girls or something.


And it was just like, hey, little girl, is your daddy home? Is he going to leave you all alone? Do I go to bed?


Is Jesus Christ.


Like that is the Bruce Springsteen songwriter, just like I don't know, I'm on fire. You're like, oh, god, yeah.


It's kind of Hey, little girl is your daddy who sort the nickname Hello Darlin all the way down.


That's a good song. No, but I do. I mean, look, yes, we have an instinct to change the people. We did. I made a move. I literally made a movie about you did the female brain. There was a whole storyline with James Marsden and Lucy Punch. But there's a difference between trying to change something about someone and grooming grooming.


We actually do get, you know, oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin from popping the person you're with zits and plucking their eyebrows. Like that's a grooming instinct. You know, that's what the whole story was about, a career you could just choose. It's also yes, you could also just become a mannequin at your house.


You you know that that's love. Like that's a grooming instinct.


You know, the guy that I'm dating this morning, I was, like, cutting his cuticles at the beginning this morning, the guy that I'm dating this morning, I was like driving me nuts that he had these, like, cuticles hanging out. So I started cutting his cuticles.


But I do think if you're going to change him, I just know that it does come with a price. Like I think when we try to change people, like get them to dress a certain way, get them. Do you have a certain haircut? We think that we're like solving some big problems. They have we think that that's like love, but it's going to corrode the relationship. We think they're so grateful for it, for bullying. It's absolutely bullying.


And the other person has just decided it's easier to let you do this. You know, like this is obviously this is something you need so badly. But just know that it's going to corrode a relationship. Like if you say to your man, I want you to shave your beard and I want you to stop wearing those cargo shorts. And I you can't hang out with these friends like and you just Marie Kondo their entire life. It's gone there.


It's going to come back. Yeah. Will be better. But they will hate you. Well yeah.


Whether it's in in two months or two years it's going to be like I gave up my favorite cargo shorts for you.


It's never, I think without, you know, some kind of future consequence, like you are breeding some kind of resentment in the future.


You know, they're going to leave you if there's nothing men love more, it's keeping score they love football's not on right now. Basketball is not on right now. They have to figure out some new sport and it's probably keeping score in their relationship.


So I would just say let them keep that dartboard. Let them keep all the hoodies.


You know, like it's I just because I think a lot of people don't understand, like you just said it, whatever people are doing is to manage some insecurity they have. So when you're saying shave that beard, you might be saying don't be insecure about your chin. Yeah. You know, like for pointing at me.


Well, you.


Anything else you want to point out, I think of an example of, like most, I think we assume we just roast people and bully people under the guise of helping sometimes, you know, and I think that a lot of people don't necessarily understand that whatever they wear or whatever, like she wears turtlenecks all the time. Maybe she's insecure about her neck. I don't know.


Yeah. Like, he's always in a hoodie. He has boobs.


Yeah, exactly. Like there could be some reason that the person has chose that fashion choice that you don't know about. And you're basically asking them to have a different childhood or by saying, take that Metallica poster down, you might be saying, I want you to have 10 years of therapy that you've not had yet. Yeah, know. Well, I know because that guy that I the guy that I used to date, a guy who was very into Slayer and Metallica and what's the other really.


He was cool with that. You're trying to say he was awesome is no. But I mean, it was like he would like listen to it really loudly and it was some kind of anger thing or some kind of a fear, not your mom's basement anymore.


Like he was like working through some emotional thing. And I'm like, do you have to play that so loud? And then when he stopped play, it's allowed his anger would come out in different ways. And I was like, oh, yeah, you need that Metallica. You need to go on that run or do your pull ups to Slayer, whatever the punching bag.


Yeah, that thing that I had a note on was a solution to an emotional problem.


Like I didn't realize the whack a mole that I was disturbing.


It turns out you don't want to talk through that, did you? Yeah, no, no. Like, look, I got your record player. Yeah, no, just play it. Go back to whatever that was. And I also you have to just put yourself in the other person's shoes.


Like, I don't like when someone tries to change me, you know, it's because my thing with that is like no one has more notes on me than me. Like, don't I don't need someone else to not like me.


I'm already doing that. Like, I change myself tomorrow. Yeah, I'm good.


And I think because I think what we do is we assume that people aren't insecure when we do that and we assume that our help is perceived the way we're trying to give it.


Really good. I'm just helping you by buying you this entire new wardrobe. It's like, no, you're just hurting my feelings. We think that we had the best idea and we're just gifting it to you. Here's what I'll say, though. It is kind of hot when a guy tells you to wear a certain thing. I just got really quiet in here as I took my drink of coffee. I there's a difference between like I've dated guys who I know don't like the way I dress because I guess they're not in Tameem.


I guess they're not into Santa Fe lesbians and that's their problem. But when a guy is like. We're going to dinner, put on that blue dress like that's kind of hot. Yeah, when he leans in like, I don't know, like that is hot, but don't expect me to do that all the time. You know, I mean, because I've had guys complain that I dress too sloppy, like I'm over there.


Like, you always have to wear pajamas, like when we go to dinner. Yes, I do. This is me being authentic. I want to be comfortable carrying this wallet around.


And like, there's you can do that every now and then and it's hot, you know, so I think it's just like the way you're doing, like guys doing it is tricky. Like, I know women, sometimes guys need a woman's touch. Sometimes you need that ingrown hair plucked off your back parlor's.


Yeah, I'm saying, like, sometimes there's a giant hair animal that needs to be removed by a woman that's not trying to change somebody. That's like you're not like converting them to Scientology or something like I think I think it's just like finding that balance. One thing I just really don't like is when guys what they try to change about a woman is telling them not to wear makeup feticide inside a career that I have been fighting about this for days.


So let me just this is the thing that really is a no no. When guys say to a woman, I wish you wouldn't wear so much makeup. Let me just just give me a second to collect my thoughts, because rage is starting to bubble up and I'm starting to sweat, first of all, Guy, and I'm not talking about like I might wake up right now, I look like a bull.


I mean, no one ever taught me to change this.


Could you imagine want me to change my my face looks like a bowl of Lucky Charms, and that is a choice I have made and continue to try to cheer myself up because I'm blue and so is my eyeliner. That's just how I've evolved.


But when guys tell women, I don't think you guys understand. When you tell women not to wear makeup, you don't know what you're saying because you don't know what makeup is. What you're saying is, I wanted to look like the way Jennifer Lopez's You Meet, you want a natural look done by professionals. He was born with a smoking gun.


I'm saying when guys say I love it when you don't wear makeup, you don't know what you're saying. What you're actually trying to say is, I want you to have airbrushed, expertly blended natural make. I want you to look tan, wet. That's right. They want browns and beiges and golds. What they're saying is, I don't want you to look like a two bit floozy, like a clown that just came out of the rain. They want it done.


Well, you know, I also think they think it's a compliment. I think they really believe telling that is to be like you're so beautiful, you don't need it. But here's a fun fact. It's not for you. It's not for you.


And you don't know when I'm wearing it. So there's times that I will have just foundation on and I'll come downstairs. And the guy I'm dating is like, oh, you look so much prettier without makeup. And I'm like, no, I'm wearing makeup. Me without makeup doesn't look neutral. It looks red. My face is red and blue without makeup. You can see veins in my skin like you girls been told.


You look really tired. Oh OK. Are you sick. That's what if I don't wear makeup you just go. Do you have covid. Yeah. Can you taste this. Taste this. Can you smell this. Can you smell like that. I don't think guys understand. I think when guys say they don't want you to wear makeup, no one they're saying get that shit off your lips because I don't want to kiss it. Yeah.


And you're saying, well, I have to wear makeup because of your stubble.


I have small wounds all over my head. I have to cover up all the rug burn on my chin from your fucking stubble. Yes, that's part of the reason we have to wear makeup. But no, I do think that what guys are actually saying, guys don't like goopy lip gloss like that. Mac lip gloss. Remember when that came out? It's like made of like what is that like stucco? It's made it's rubber cement it's made out of.


So I think there was a time I remember when I used to wear that a guys would be like, can you not wear so much makeup? You're so much prettier without makeup. It's just like, please get that cock off my face. That's for looking, not touching. Yeah, right, right, right, right. And so I and I think that guys do that because they don't want us to get our shit on their shirts and pillowcases.


Right. And guys understand makeup so little that when that happens they're like, it feels like is Greece.


We are like, do we want to do the bird. Should it this.


I know if I like to hug a guy at a wedding and he's in like a white shirt and, you know, like the second you see that you've rubbed your makeup on somebody's shoulder, you're like, oh fuck.


And the guy is like, what's this is the sap from a tree.


More like her skin, her face on her exoskeletal.


I think I've definitely had guys complain about, like Self Tanner coming off on their sheets. It just looks like skidmarks it just looks like you had explosive diarrhea and they're bad. Like I get why that's a little annoying. So I think if guys asked you to not do that, but when guys say I love it, when you don't wear makeup, you're so much prettier without makeup. Like, I just I call bullshit on that. It's such a confusing thing to tell a girl because, like, there's no porn category that's like fresh faced beauties, right?


Girls with no makeup. You're like, show me all the women you like and we'll talk about who doesn't have to go.


OK, why does Jenna Jameson have one hundred billion dollars? If you hate girls wearing too much makeup like I think they I think what guys mean when they say that is they don't want eyelashes like coming off. They don't want to look like black widow spiders are falling on their better. Love the Amish, if that's what you think.


And yeah, I just, I just I, I think that sometimes even when we are trying to convey something that's a preference for us, we don't even always necessarily know what we're asking for, you know. But but the spending someone asked, can you change your spending habits? That is a no. I would say no, because spending is so emotional. You know, it's a very emotional thing.


And because I've definitely had a lot of guys be like, well, why don't you just spend less money on makeup?


I don't know the same reason that you spend. I have all this makeup, the same reason you spend four hours a day playing fantasy football, whatever that is. You're twenty two Toyota Corolla have rims. Exactly.


Did you just call my face a two thousand two Toyota Corolla. Come here.


We're not a team that always loses one hundred and twenty bucks.


Yeah, look, it's not rational because I've definitely been in a lot of situations where guys. OK, well why don't you just not spend all this money on make. But what which is what I actually was thinking last night, because I remember you telling me that when you were a makeup artist at Sephora, guys would say, don't put a lot of makeup on her.


Yeah, they would stand with hold and explain that to me. When you did makeup, it's a for four men would come.


Yeah, they would come with a majority of the time. They would come with their wife, especially with something important, like a date, a dinner, a wedding. They would come and the girls would be like like like they'll be like kissing like a lot of makeup. So we have to do this. And then if you were like, OK, well, you should wear a lot of makeup then. And as you were doing it, they were like, stand behind you and be like, well, that's too much eyeshadow.


Or she didn't like that or shouldn't wear blush like that. Or they would give you examples of other women like, well, you know, Scarlett Johansson show is was like this and you're like, she's Photoshopped.


Like they would just stand there and tell you what to do. And then the girls would be like, yeah, you know, he doesn't like that. He doesn't like a lot of that, which I would always be like, well, then you shouldn't marry him.


Well, I don't know. Maybe he doesn't want to buy it. Maybe he just wanted to get out of there.


He didn't want to have to go.


But yeah, I would not tell women not to buy makeup. Are that tonight?


I thought about I would tell women not to buy bath and body works. OK, Benton and I have been fighting about this for literally three days now and I think it's going to ruin our entire friendship. So I've had a guy say before because my bathroom looks like a flea market, it looks I like to feel like I'm in a CBS at all times. I there's so few things we can control in our lives. I like to just walk in and just I like to feel like I'm doing like a supermarket sweep.


I agree with you. I like that. I like to have a different lotion every day. I like to mix it up. I like to mix them together. Like I never smelled the same two days in a row, a mix in the rose. I mix in the honeysuckle. You never know what I'm smelling. That's my little weird ritual in the morning. And so I've had guys be like, why do you need ten lotions?


Because Bath and Body Works is a Ponzi scheme. OK, Betances Dan Benton, I Benetton's OK, we're going to do a roll play of me wanting to buy lotions from Bath and Bodyworks. Benton and I are walking in the mall and we're a couple.


Yeah we're a couple. We're a couple. Plot twist. OK, we're a couple. That's me walking, loved it. Hey, babe, honey, honey, I think I've been I'd call you babe, babe, what are your impressions of a straight guy?




I want to stop about the Bodyworks real quick. They're having a sale.


Yeah, they have a sale every time we walk by. We're just here two weeks ago. Remember, you bought eight lotion trade. Yeah. What a steal.


You still have them. I know. And I'm going to use them. You said that three weeks ago. And we also body lotion.


I know, but you under. But this is now a sale. Twelve dollars eight lotions. How can we not do that. Right.


But remember, you wanted to go to the beach. So do you want to go to the beach or smell like the beach.


OK, I want moonlit beach smell. OK, but we could save that money and go to the beach. I know about the moon, but you're getting eight lotions for twelve dollars.


That's a deal. It's August and you still smell like gingerbread. We're not going through them that fast, are we?


I want to smell like candy canes in August, it's a surprising, nostalgic perk, perky, uplifting, kind of found in the seats of my car.


It's weird. Candy canes shouldn't be that hot. It's August. Stop it. OK, do you want to buy soaps, I'll let you buy soap here. Why don't you let me cash in on this amazing deal? Because you cannot physically go through that motions before they expire.


So I. I never know what I'm gonna want to wear. Some days I want to smell like tropical silk. Other days I want to smell like a Brazil nut.


And some days I want to smell poor. What if I want to smell like an enchanted meadow tomorrow? Listen, you know that bag you've been wanting? We could have already bought it by now, purse the purse. It's a bag.


A bag. You really are being a straight guy. Yeah, we could have already bought it by now.


But you spend half of our life savings on cashmere, SYNTA Cashmere. I didn't have a cent.


So we let those lotions but don't want. You're the one that gets to enjoy my body. I just want you to be naked. I give a shit what you feel like.


You're really able to smell like socks and you're really able to lock it into the straight guys fuck socks for a long time growing up.


So you want to keep having this conversation.


We're going to miss our movie, OK? We're going to miss Janet, too. OK, time out. Brendan's back to being vented. What is your problem with lotions being on sale?


It's you cannot go through that many lotions that fast. So your point is it's not a steal because you're not actually using.


My thing is, if lotions are or if that is the price to buy that many lotions items, then you could have just saved you a good, nice quality lotion. I've been happier in the long run.


OK, your point is don't spend eight dollars on eight lotions, spend or twice spend 20 dollars on one good lotion. But this is this is really the crux of what Benetton has come into my life to teach me. Lotions expire. This thing's expired.


I didn't know that about that on the bottle. What else? What name? The cosmetics that expire and the everything or anything. That's not a powder. Expired cream will expire. Liquid's creams, mascaras bacteria.


If it is not a powder, it will expire. What if I want to smell like enchanted mold now? I will say that if you go back and Bodyworks and you want to spend that money on candles, soaps, any of that stuff, that's fine. Body washes, lotion, stupid. Hitting the hard topics here on good for you. OK, see you next week. All right, we're taking a little break here to talk about daily harvest, those beautiful.


I was really impressed.


Let's talk about Daily Harvest. We've talked about it before. You guys have seen me on Instagram eating daily harvest. And right now, if you're watching on YouTube, you can watch me open up the daily harvest, Benton.


Now, watch how you use the daily. Now that show this way, why it is delicious. OK, so people hate when I eat on the couch and I don't blame them. I'm obsessed with these daily harvests because. I have no qualms about the fact that I cannot cook, I don't want to cook, it's not a skill that I'm interested in acquiring. I feel no shame about it. I am a workaholic and I like to have my time and these little daily harvests that you're going to read about in a second, because, you know, I don't read the copy because I'm not a shill.


I do this because I believe in the product.


They give you these premade smoothies and soups and all you have to do is blend them up or like put hot water in it and it's all done and healthy.


They're super easy to use, like super, super fancy ramen noodles.


They're delicious and they're good and they're healthy. This one is oat mulberry and dragon fruit. And if you can see, I'm trying to hold it up without spilling all over my computer. It comes with all the oats and everything in it and then you just blend it up. I'm right now eating it with my hands because I'm a pig. You just made a granola, but you can basically.


If you want, this is I bloodiness up in a blender, but you can put hot water in here and it makes like instant oatmeal with mulberries and blueberries and it's just like health is crap. Yeah.


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I don't have children, but if I did, this is all I would do is just give them these because they're healthy. You don't think about it. And by the way, no mess. You just put hot water in here and it's done. It's handled. Yeah. I mean, this is most feminist shit I've ever seen.


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I've got soups bowl. There was one that was like a potteries. Yeah. Oh yeah. There's one that's like a coffee.


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Look how beautiful these dragon fruits are. That is a rasberry, that's a dragonfruit, if opinions aren't your thing, you might want to go to better opinions from comedians aren't solving all your life problems. You might want to also run this by a therapist. Had better help Dotcom.


I'm sure they're going to agree with our advice to play this podcast for them.


But stop listening to that. Is there something interfering with your happiness, usually preventing you from achieving your goals? Both, yeah.


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Look, I'm going to level with you. It's a hard time. Everyone's going a little bit nuts. We're stressed out. We're full of fear. We're scared. We're anxious. We're angry. I walk down the street. The my mask is literally a millimeter under my nose. People like Borcher mask.


I mean, there's a lot of emotion and they weren't wrong.


Yeah. And then I got insecure.


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I did want to write down a couple of things that I think are fair game to change and someone still answering the same question, this is why we don't get a question, because it takes me an hour to answer one question. If you these are the things I believe you should be able to change in a person.


We do have a question about lotions. Oh, Jesus Christ. We've talked about this every day. Do you buy extra lotions because you're worried that your boyfriend will still one of them? Well, yeah, because the guy's always going to take on the jerk off with I have a trick for that Jurgen's tanning lotion and then, you know, oh, they have a sunset colored dick. And then you're going to know exactly who stole your lotion.


That's such a good way to find out if a guy is stealing your lotion. Put itself, Tanner, in the one that you suspect is digging.


There you go. See a bottle.


Why does your dick smell like an enchanted meadow? Have you been jerking off with my bath and body works? That's why you do like a big Cheeto Cheeto puff in your pants.


Oh, God, that is so funny. Oh, OK.


Something that you are loud. These are the things that these are the only things I will change in person because I'm now at a point where I accept people who they are unconditionally and don't try to change them because I'm in a program and I have to. These are called boundaries. And what is love stand for? I was just an Ellen on meeting this morning. What's the acronym for Love?


Stand for Love is letting others voluntarily evolve.


Oh, I thought that was vicious erection.


That's your version of love. So you're allowed to set boundaries like I recently got in a fight with my lover because I still got him that. Yeah, I don't like I'm not I don't call him Cornton lover anymore.


I just called lover covid lover got we got in a fight about that at the time limit on that one.


I don't. Yeah. Only 14 days. And so symptoms. I don't like when guys call women chicks. Yes.


She prefers chicken pigeon gal bird bitch anything but that chicken head is fine.


I like will be my thing are words like I get like weirded out by certain words like wife beater like I. Can you not say that just like lady puncher. I know that's what it's called but like the I get hung up not on like the person's wardrobe or their hairstyle or anything like that.


Like words bother me like, like he'll come home and he'll just be like anyway so this chick at work today and I'm like like I just get just to see your coworker.


Look, why are you calling her. You mean the woman you were going to be a farmer. Yeah, like I totally like it. Just like the woman you work with.


And I also don't like young lady. So I was talking to this young lady, like, why are you bringing her age into it? Like I did the math. Yeah. Why are you doing the math on her age? Just say woman just call everyone a woman. I want to know she's valuable. I wonder if she's so this fertile girl that I work with, like, it's just like egg factory.


I can't explain it, but it's just weird. And it's the kind of thing where if you say something, you do sound like a crazy feminazi or whatever, but it's just it distracts me. And so I will ask for things like that.


I'll go, hey, I know that this probably sounds dramatic, but when you call a woman chick like, it makes me feel weird. Could you just call women? Women. God, I am female and don't go.


Oh, I'm a scientist. Females.


So this female I saw earlier at the grocery store like that in the wild, can you believe. And I saw a female in the wild. So yeah those are those are personal preferences. And I'll say like it's my personal preference. You can talk to your guy friends however you want. I just don't like locker room talk around me. So that's not me saying change who you are. It's just when you're around me, could you completely pretend you're a different person?


But that to me is more of a boundry. Like I also. The one other thing I will change about a man is hot take.


I want you to grow your chest hair, not shave your chest hair. Yeah, I don't, I don't. When I, when I meet a guy in his chef, just yeah. I'm really getting flusters just thinking about it. If your chest is shaved it's.


Are you trying to run away.


How aerodynamic you mean to be. Like what are you, why are you. So Shaun you're trying to swim away trying to get through my moat quickly.


There's slip and slide out back. I don't know about.


I like it because then also you have stubble on your chest, which I'm not a huge fan of.


Like fucking a cactus. Yeah.


Rubbing up because a cheese grater you're like, are you dermo rolling my whole body.


I love Derval rolling but not my not my boobs. I paid a lot of money for this. I'm going to pop one hears you with a little piece is double the one that delicate. I wrote down another. Oh. Sleeping with the TV on absolutely incorrigible reprehensible deal breaker. How are you going to live in a nursing home? I don't I, I plan to die before that. Trust me. Yeah. So that's another thing that's not like I'm trying to change you.


It's just that I cannot sleep in the same room with someone who is a psychopath, who sleeps with the television on.


It's very normal. It's not normal. Bed tonight, by the way, argued about this for about an hour yesterday. You don't know about us. We argue about. That's all we do. That's all we do. We are the Lucy and Desi of the Gornstein and I'm not sure who is who. I think I'm Desi, but I don't know that is. So you don't know who Lucy and Desi.


Oh, you really don't. I don't. You don't know who. Lucy and Desi. I wouldn't lie. Do you do you guys know who Lucy and Desi are?


You don't know who Lucille Ball is. Oh, yes, I do. I never lose. Her husband is named Desi. Yes. OK, yes, I know that. I remember that Ben is a baby. It's very confusing because you're the most adult about Ross and Rachel.


I gotcha. You want to talk about. I gave it to Mitt Romney. Michele, you want to talk about treasure pages?


I only watch maybe Lisa Kudrow did so literally. Benton knows everything about you and tech talkers.


And like three of the friends I know most celebrities. You know the name of the man on friends.


Yeah. Ross Chandler, Joey, wow. OK, I can name another last names to really what other Geller Monica Geller channeling Rachel Green. Yes, Rachel Green. And then Joey Fatone.


No, I'm not. I'm Tribbiani. It's Tribbiani.


I knew it.


Oh, God. We need to do a game show. We need to do a game show with you and Taylor Thomlinson because she didn't know anything about the 90s music when I had her on.


Here are the other things I would change about someone. Again, they're not changing. These are just your own personal boundaries. A personal boundary I set that isn't change who you are. It's just don't drip water on my fucking floor. If I see any droplets of water on my floor, covid droplets are even fine as long as I can't see them. But, you know, my biggest third rail is when there's water on my wooden floor.


Yes. That is it really drives me crazy or sitting on the couch in a wet bathing suit, you fucking mongrel. I mean, that's crazy.


And I've never been to anyone. I've definitely dated guys. They'll just get out of the pool and they're just going to sit on the couch. And you're just like, in what world's.


I truly never see people get in cars and that triggers me with my bathing suits on. That's so insane. Buffet, Phoebe Buffet, this last one. Phoebe Buffet. That's right.


What was your sister's name? Her twin sister, Ursula. It is it moving on. She was a character on Mad About You. We love this date on the couch in a wet bathing suit. I go, OK, do I mean by the way, I spend enough time on that question, only 40 minutes.


Jesus Christ, would you care to wait?


This is pretty quick. What's the best relationship advice you ever received?


Don't sit on my couch in a fucking bathing suit. That's great. Don't come to my house. Best relationship advice I've ever received, actually. We've talked about a couple of these things on the podcast I love. Don't go to the problem for the solution. Do you love them? Like I got in a fight with my lover yesterday and instead of texting my love going, I don't like this behavior doing. I text a girlfriend to go, hey, this behavior he's doing is annoying.


And they'll go, Oh, mine does that to here.


But I don't know that my lover does the same thing. She let him you just call him and fight with him about the cameo in the cameo time. We don't do cameo fuck Cameo did I love burning a random bridge with Cameo, so that's a good one. Don't the person that caused the problem is probably not the person that's going to solve the problem. You don't go to the problem of the solution. You go get the solution and bring the solution to your relationship.


The solution might be don't bring it up at all. That's a freaking hardest shit one. But sometimes it is like I had an issue with my lover the other night. He doesn't even know about it because guess what? It's my problem is guess what?


I borrowed it. Yes. I guess what it's because of an invisible wound. My dad left and it's not his job to solve my problem. It's mine.


God, I'm Matau. Oh, here's another one I love. Don't get everything from one person. You cannot get everything from one person.


Amazon, your your boyfriend's not your phone.


You can't get everything emotionally from them. I just like that because I think that for the longest time I would get in a relationship and I thought that my boyfriend was like my best friend and my therapist and my girlfriend and my mini golf buddy and my like, you know, that was random. But love mini golf.


Yeah, like the known fact, you're not you're not going to get everything from one person. Like, I would be full like Tom Hanks in Castaway with the fucking beach ball. When I would get in a relationship, I wouldn't talk to any of my girlfriends. I would just completely sort of disappear into a relationship and then wonder why it wasn't working, because I was try to get all my emotional needs met from one person.


Oh, this is the other one I wanted to do. So I read this in a book, Elizabeth Gilbert. She wrote that book, Eat, Pray, Love that I didn't I was not as into it as everybody was.


I know it is a big phenom in the lit world. And Julia Roberts was in the movie. Remember, the author wrote that also wrote a book called Committed. I recommend it to anyone that's trying to figure out what the fuck the point of anything is in relationships. And she went all around the world to different cultures to explore what marriage meant in every culture.


And she talks about something called closing the doors and windows. Oh, yeah, I'm in a relationship which which just means when you're in a relationship, you have to make sure to emotionally invest with that person about the important things in your life. For example, if you're at work and you get a big promotion or you get in a big fight with someone at work, don't first tell another coworker about it. Call your partner and tell them so that they are participating in the emotional sort of ups and downs of your life so that you stay intimate so that you don't do what what I've done, what Mommy did, Auntie Whitney did in her 20s, which is like share with your co-workers all the drama that's going on in your life.


And then two months later, you're at home with your boyfriend and you're like, well, you don't understand me.


Craig understands me. It's like, well, because it's because you only tell Craig at work what's going on with you.


Who's who's Greg, first of all, you know, so you have to make sure you save some of your because you really only have to emotionally invest and confide in someone like once a day. You have to make sure you save some of that for your partner to maintain that intimacy so you don't grow apart.


Close the door. Yeah, close the doors and windows.


Because when you first tell me that I was, I close the doors and windows and then I'll leave the car running. It's like carbon monoxide poisoning. Like KMO was a little close.


The doors and windows lock them so they can't leave.


That is my advice, to just trap them in your home or steps to having a hostage and doors and windows handcuff them to the bed, put them in the basement. No, it's I don't know why it's called that, but it's a great I should put somewhere on the in the podcast notes the page it's on because it's a it just made me realize there were times I would be in relationships, but also working really busy jobs and then be like, oh, the person I'm with doesn't understand what I go through, doesn't understand my life, only my coworker understands me.


Maybe this person's my soulmate. You're like, no, I've just told this person everything and not and I've kept my boyfriend out of the loop.


So of course they can't console me or understand what I'm going through because I haven't looped them in.


Right. Which makes perfect sense. Yeah, but it's it's a it's a I don't know if I'm explaining how to think about it in the moment though, because you just want to talk about the feeling that you're having my then with her.


Yes, you have to just text your boyfriend or text your girlfriend or get on the phone with them and tell them what's going on and make sure that they're looped in to what's going on. You have to have also sometimes by the time you get home, you don't need to talk about because you had talked about it with someone else and you don't want to rehash it. But then the person's like, well, what went on? Tell me. And you're like, Oh, I hate this thing.


And you're just and then they're like, Are you OK? Are you mad? Are you? And they're like, Oh, I don't need to talk about it again.


I already did. And then they just become like a nuisance to you.


I also the best piece of advice I think I ever got and this is going to be polarizing. You know, me and my hot takes, my takes just got hotter and hotter every week. And I just pulled my hair out and my shedding.


I was one time at the Comedy Store. This was God. I was probably twenty six.


And in the beginning when I started stand up, I could not get good spots. Like in the beginning you get the two a.m. spots you know, and back. This was back in the Comedy Store before Joe Rogan had come back. There weren't a lot of people there. There was always like five Germans in the audience. Like it was just like a very weird, eerie place without big crowds. And I would go on like two in the morning.


And I remember I had just gotten cheated on. Like, I, I got back to well, I kind of got back together with a guy that we had been fighting but didn't really break up. And I grabbed his jacket to run down to the Comedy Store to do my spot. And I reached in the pockets and they had condoms in them and went back and screamed at him. And he said, adding flavor for you. Yeah, they were in glasses.


They were a buckets of condoms.


There were the ones that are the glasses clinic did you go to.


They were yellow, neon yellow.


And and so I went back and confronted him and he told me he was sleeping with somebody else. And so I was just like a wreck. And then I ran on stage and completely abandoned my material because I couldn't focus. And I this is literally a bunch of people that we've now hysterically crying on stage and an oversized, oversized jacket full of condoms like similar to now.


So I there were so few people in the audience that I literally didn't even do stand up. I was like, you guys, should I go? What should I do? Like, I just was asking them for help.


I was a real catch back then and I had my phone out because he kept texting me and calling me and I was like, you guys, what should I do?


And everyone's like, oh, maybe you should just let him know that he shouldn't say your house.


Like people are trying to give me advice or get off the stage and then you're bombing the. Can we see Jeff Dunham, please? Is he coming out? And and then this woman in the back who was clearly exasperated by how lost I was and she just went, girl, silence is the only language men understand.


And it was like blew my mind the idea to not constantly engage with someone that I'm in a fight with or not scream at them or get in some kind of quarrel or altercation.


So silence is the only language men understand. I just translate that is just like you don't always have to try to communicate with someone if they're not understanding what you're saying, there's really no point. But what I didn't learn about that is if you're going to be silent with a guy, which means usually you take your girl, take your time, collect your thoughts if you're in an emotional place, there's no point in talking because No. One, you're going to be in your trauma response.


They're going to be in their trauma response. They're not going to be hearing what you're saying. They're just going, you know, when you're going to fight and it becomes about how you're fighting. Well, you're rolling your eyes at me like, what are we even fighting about? Like, I don't even know what we're fighting about anymore. Right. You always do that. You always do that thing where you walk away. When I'm talking, it's like, well, OK, now we're just fighting about fighting and it just turns into a big ol fucking rat king shit show.


But if you're going to be silent when you're emotional, which I highly, highly encourage, that you just take a couple of days and collect yourself because feelings are not facts. Let the feelings dissipate and then come back and be super rational.


And but if you're going to be silent in a relationship, if you're going to take a couple of days and not respond to the person, you have to let them know. Because what I recently pieced together was that, you know, everyone always talks about how women watch romantic comedies and they're full of stereotypes. And they created all these unrealistic expectations and conditioned us to, like, be obsessed with men and marriage. Men watched these movies, too.


You made them go? Yes, we watched romantic comedies, but so did men. And while we learned that all that matters is marriage and all that matters is getting a man to love you and that we should all get makeovers and stuff that men learned that when you do something bad in order to apologize, do a grandiose gesture. Go find her at the airport, stop her from getting on her flight, if you cheated on her, go to her work and confront her about it during the workday at the magazine Accessors sister's wedding ring.


That's right. So it's like there was like a guy would screw up and the scene between the other guys. Well, dude, you just got to go apologize. Just go get her at the airport or, you know, just go go find her at work and tell her how you feel because like she's a she's a woman. Like, what job could she possibly have that's important.


You surgery would be like, have you seen where like the woman who's been wronged is like giving a presentation. Right. It's always like a glass office. And she's like giving a big presentation and like Vince Vaughn or whoever runs up and it's like bang, bang, bang, bang, like on the window. And she's like giving a presentation to, like a bunch of businessmen. And she's like, hold on, guys, I got to step outside for a second and goes and talks to the schlub that cheated on her and like forgives him and all the men, like, she's so emotional.


They don't tell you that part. I mean, the men used to, like, show up at airports in movies to see I don't know what the the exchange policy for flights was back then. Was there ever a point where there wasn't a cancellation fee? That's all I think about.


They always just talk to the ticket attendant and to let them go. I have to human. To human. Yeah. Yeah. It's always like, don't you have to get a ticket to go through TSA? Like now it would be a version where he's like running with his shoes off. He can't have any liquids, but like. So if you're going to go silent, make sure you tell the guy you're going to go silent or else he'll just show up at your house because this generation of men just learn.


If you don't hear from her, go to her house, you know, get a boombox and just stand in front of her door until she answers.


You're going to disappear, do it in style, thrown in a smoke bomb.


WHODINI But I did find that like a couple of times when I first tried to enforce that boundary for myself. I'd be like, OK, I'm just not going to Texas, go back, I'm going to calm down and I'm going to respond when I'm less emotional. And then I would just be like on stage and they'd be like, I need to talk to you.


I be like, I'm performing. Can we talk after into the mic when everyone here is OK?


I feel like we covered up. Yeah. I said I'm going to be quick, but I'm a liar. OK, all right. I don't know where they're getting to one of your all time favorite products. Since may do not put the maximum to your nose to cut your hair. Why not? I'm shaving my nose hairs. I do this all the time. But I can hear it kind of those little hairs. Yeah, you can hear them look.


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I did this to my lover and it was very intimate. I bet it was.


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Oh nice. So why is it a good thing to shave it. Because you can make it have settings.


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It's really embarrassing. One language, it's pathetic, it's arrogant, frankly, my personality is not good enough to just be one label, I want to learn more languages.


I know, so do I. But we've been talking about this because babble is this company that we work with. And I started learning a new language will get to that.


I just want to brush up on the French that I used to know.


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That's wild.


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I mean, everyone's got fifteen minutes a day. Everyone can find fifteen minutes a day that you're freakin scrolling social media or you're just like reading math or reading a gossip website in the bathroom, in the bath, walking the dog.


This is like you could be knocking out learning a language.


Yeah. You could come out of this smarter than you are into it. Yeah. I really want to get my French back, so I'm going to keep doing the French one.


Yeah, I like to learn Italian so I can argue with the rest of my family. That's smart. That's very smart right now when you purchase a three month subscription. I was.


Let me try to do it in French. Oh, go for it.


Amid the more offensive, what was month again, month is a God I know to babble, I need babble more than anyone wants to know that day.


What's week? I don't matter any I don't know what babble they give.


Let's give crap. All right.


I mean, you keep asking people in the room, our listeners twah months digital pool.


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Good for you Bob. For food. That's the that is the name of our podcast in French for poor who.


OK, that was actually really impressive. I'm going to, I'm going to translate it. Good for you. Is Bompard Vu one of you. OK, I'm going to I'm going to start doing babble in French. I don't know if I wanted to go to Italian, but I clearly need to brush up on my French right now. When you purchase a three month subscription, Babba will give our listeners Poire. That's three additional months for free with promo code.


Good for you. That's three additional months free. If you go to Bable Dotcom and use promo code, good for you on your three month subscription.


That's Babille b a b b l dotcom promo code bulbul. Good for you. Is there ever a reason you should text your ex? When I was there ever a reason to rifle through your trash, is there a reason to give yourself Bang's know you're sad? Is there ever a reason to pick up road kill off the freeway, stick your hand in the toaster, put it on the grill, sir. Every reason to go back to your old apartment building.


You haven't lived out in a couple of years and just drive around for the love of the game.


See, I have an interesting opinion on this because I think it's OK to text your ex exclusively through Venmo. Because you can't delete the comment so you can write whatever you want in your in your request and they can't delete it. So you could be like, I know you were talking to Jessica and you were at my mom's birthday. So.


So no one can. So no one can.


You know, the person can't delete that and it's possible to block their account or pay that fee. I actually, as I get older, realize you should stay in touch with exes if they are useful in some way. Yeah. Yeah, right. They have a pool.


They have a pool. Why not. Why burn the bridge. Right. Why not stay in contact. You want one punch away from a free.


But we don't have one of those if they have one of those trampolines with the big pads on the outside. Oh fine. OK, I have an ex who is who I in my head. I always want to be like bitter with and like punish.


But he's an anesthesiologist and it's very nice to every now and then be like, hey, can I mix these two pills.


He's like you can be like you sure can take to wash them down with whiskey.


How about that.


It saves me like a couple hundred dollars a year to just be like, hey, is this a good dosage to take with this? Or like I'll ask him for like medical advice every now and then, like someone who can ever sleep. He's a good friend.


I do feel like keeping things civil with an ex who was useful is is smart because I don't like having wasted time.


Like, it makes me feel like, OK, that whole year of my life wasn't a complete waste. You know, I like staying friends with exes. You know, I have four exes that live in my house currently. Yeah, that that's true.


And whenever I'm hanging out with a guy, I sometimes secretly I'm like, I can't wait till, like, we're exes and we can just be friends.


I can't wait. I can ask you to do stuff.


Yeah. I can't wait till I could ask you to do chores without, like, owing you.


All right. What's next? Should I even try to talk to my crush drawing everything going on in the world. You did.


That was such a weird inflection that I didn't understand too. I don't know what you said. It's OK.


Boy, should I even try to talk to my crush storing everything going on in the world.


I even try to talk to my crush with every with everything that's going on because there's a lot going on in the world. You understood at that time.


I know you did. I think now's the best time to talk to anyone. Yeah, I agree, because I believe the hardest thing about getting into a relationship is learning what the person is like in a time of crisis. Like that's basically what you're waiting for, right? Like when you start dating someone, you're like, oh, OK, anyone can be fun when things are going well. Anyone can be nice when things are going well, you know, who are you when someone gets sick, who are you when there's chaos?


Who are you? When there's death like that, you really want to see how someone operates in a time of chaos. And so now is the perfect time to find that out very early.


They could be they might be the optimist. They might be the panicker.


They might be the world. Yeah. You're really finding out who people are right now. Like, I have friends that are completely like like showing sides of themselves that I had never seen before. And I'm like, oh, God, if I was dating you, I would not want to find this out three years and put the mask back on. Yeah, but but you had a good point about this, about how dating like Zoome dating or face time dating is a great way to actually get one on one.


There's no one to facilitate your date for you. Normally on dates you go and there's you go to a comedy show. The comedian facilitates the date. You go to a restaurant, the restaurant facilities, there's always something you can enjoy or talk about or hate together.


Yeah, yeah. It's like if you go to a movie and you had a great date, that just means the movie was good. You're like, we didn't. We love this movie to talk about, but the movie did all the work.


Yeah. And like, you can go out with people ten times and have no idea who they are. Like you're constantly going to like a show or they're going Axe's.


Yeah, people are going on dates and things like how could that not be at least a little entertaining. That's true. Yeah.


Is that even if you hated that date, you could be like, well, you took me to throw actually I was like, hey, let's go throw axes. I would not like you. I would not show up to that.


I've seen that on Instagram.


I didn't realize people like went on date. I mean, even if you go to a restaurant, you guys hate it, then you're just bonding over how you hated the waiter.


Yeah, it's so true. But now the pressure is all on your personality. You tell a joke. Yeah.


Oh, I just, I just spit all over Venton you guys.


Oh, OK. So is that a good answer. No.


I mean, yes, it is a good it's never a good time today anyone.


So just fucking do it. But it gives a shit at least not you do it in pajamas with your own life. Yeah exactly. Yeah exactly.


You get to choose your lighting, you commute people. Yeah. I just don't, I don't think there's ever a good or bad time to date anyone.


It just, it is what it is. Was that profound. The next question is and this is also a fight we got to. Should I look through my partner's phone or not? You want to role play this one? OK, I'm going to say my opinion first and then Benton and I will role play. This has been a source of tension in my household for the past week with Benton. I'm first going to say how what I believe I believe no one should ever go through anyone's phone.


I believe at thirty seven, I didn't believe as a twenty five and thirty seven. I believe that if you have the instinct to go through your partner's phone, it's over. You should just leave. If you think you should do that, if you want to do that, that is because you will find what you're looking for. You're just looking for proof of what you already know or already believe. And I've never heard someone be like I went through my partner's phone because I thought he was cheating.


And I found pictures of the perfect engagement ring I wanted. Like, the story's never gone that way. Like even if the phone is full of benign stuff, you're going to find a way to twist it into the proof that you're already looking for to justify.


And what I'll say is everyone's got shit in their phone that is going to hurt you. Like like if we're together right now, you can go through my phone and find something that's going to hurt you. But it's none of your business like these are private conversations. Like I was thinking about this because I was trying to figure out a way to win this fight with you today.


And like guys, you have private conversations when the girlfriend's not around. Girls have private conversation with their guys aren't around. Those are in my phone now. But you're not allowed to hear those, right? The only reason our relationship works is because I'm allowed to complain about you with my girlfriends. It's never for you to see. Aha.


So I'm not really sure how I feel about it, but I do know I have an opinion Banten believes. I just think what do you you have if you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to hide.


But if you think I have something to hide, why are you with me.


I thought that. Why don't you see we're ok. This is ok. OK, let's do the real thing. OK, let's do the right thing. So I am me and you OK. And I and my kids. That's a good start. Is my phone here. Does the phone have a password.


It doesn't matter once. OK, so here's my ok I'm just doing what I'm doing dude to do during my call. Your phone. What can I see your phone for what I want. I just wanna go through your phone. Why? I just want to you do have some pictures and I want to send myself or who knows? Well, what are they? I'll send them yesterday. Why can I see your phone? Well, what do you need out of them?


I just want to see your phone. Why can't I? Well, the only reason I feel weird about it is that you're coming up with me with such aggro energy, I feel like you're looking Oh, I thought I asked pretty nice. I'm sorry. Can I use your phone for what I told you? I just want to go through it. But which apps your text messages or do you want to go through my text?


You can't go through my text ones because those are private conversations.


Yeah, but I mean, we're sharing a life together. So should I be able to see your your messages? No, because I talked to my friends sometimes about you and I. You shouldn't see that.


OK, what are you saying.


Negative things maybe. I don't know. I don't want to find out. Let me see your phone. No, but this is my personal. So you're hiding something. Aren't we all. I'm not sure about what a relationship is. My phone. OK, do you want to see it? I'll put on the TV. Well, what are you going to do? I'm going to go through all your stuff, but we're broke it up now. Now we're bringing our choice.


I don't want to break up. I just want to see your phone. No, but no, but no healthy relationship wants a personal relation. Wants that feels like you just have something to hide.


Look, we'll switch it. You want to switch it out. I fucking hate that. I hate when the argument of. Oh, well, I'll let you see mine. It's like, OK, well I don't want to see you.


You're a monster. That's the one that wants to be mine. But what are you looking. Well, here, let's switch it. I'll play your cards. But are you just trying to see my phone.


This is a I would never do that. I can't get a better way to handle that because when I was in my 20s, I secretly went through guys phones and it always ended in the fucking disaster. And I should have just left when I had the instinct to do it, because I already knew everything I needed to know based on. I'll show you how to handle that. OK, can I see your phone? You sure can. But I called you a bitch a couple of times in it.


Why did I send a message to my friends, I called you a bitch, why you're being a bitch? You can look, there's a time and a date on there, you know, when it but how is this healthy for anyone you ask? That's the truth. But I had. All right, maybe I'm wrong, there's some pictures of girls screenshot on Instagram, what just so you know, who what did you want to see on there?


I didn't. You made me play this part, didn't I? I never want to see a guy's picture. I think people shouldn't be shitty. I wouldn't have this problem here, Benton. I got in fights because I'm sure they listen to this podcast. But all of his girlfriends sound like the craziest people I've ever heard of. He's like, well, I have a girlfriend who in the middle of the night will Jerry rig the phone charger with dental floss and pull her crazy foot, pulls her boyfriend's phone out from under the mattress and goes through it every night.


And I'm like, that's crazy. Like a girl who fight you. That's crazy behavior.


I also think there was another I think this is a voicemail question, but I feel like we should just address it now. Like there's also the deal is with phones is a phone is a different thing now than it was back when I was insecure in relationships, as you did in a circle, because.


Because it was two pieces, it was just Morse code because someone asked, what does it mean when my girlfriend brings her phone to the bathroom? Like that was a voicemail. I mean, she's shitting.


That's what it means. What do you want her to stare at the wall? Think about you. What the fuck does that even mean? Wow, she's shitting. Yeah, I mean, what the hell? No, but when I cheated in my twenties, I used to bring my phone to the bathroom, like I bring it with me wherever I went because I didn't want the person that I was cheating with to text or call or something like that.


But now if someone it's weird, it's like I would have had a different answer seven, five, seven years ago that I would now. Now it's like texting and phone calls is like the fifth thing I do on my phone. It's like this back when the phone was just four phone calls and texts, I would say if someone brings it with them wherever they go to the bathroom and it's really sketchy about it. But now it's like I'm doing nine other playing Candy Crush.


Leave her alone. Yeah, I'm building my brand every time I go to the bathroom. That's like two more posts I could have made watching Netflix, doing some sponsored content over here, like.


So I think that I would say that for older generations it's sketchier, but for younger people, whatever. But that's another reason to go back. Why going through someone's phone I think is like even more not OK now because it's got all my shit. Yeah. And I totally it's not just for texts.


I think you should go calls, but I think that if you're that defensive about it then you are doing something wrong.


I, I why else would you be defense. I half agree, but I also think that like I'm being defensive because you're accusing me of radical honesty and I know that's a will and Jada did.


And so they're together. It's true.


OK, so I think we have a couple of voicemails. Yeah. You only have one more question if you want to do it. OK, well, this is the biggest fight me and my partner get in. Please help us. Do knives go in the dishwasher.


Three weeks ago, I would have told you they do that because you using plastic butter knives, but I recently bought a nice pair of knives because Benton's forcing me to be a cooking influencer. And I bought these nice knives on Amazon and I put them in the dishwasher and the handle went from like a beautiful wood to like a crusty, disgusting, robust.


And I ruined all that a it'll. Yeah. You cannot put knives in a dishwasher. They're not nice knives and you cannot put jeans in the washing machine. We are the source of all important information on this podcast. We're putting on headphones for voice.


OK, people have started in the comments to do a drinking games when you touch your glasses. What do you mean, because you touched on so much like we're going to take shots or talk to somebody about I'm dead weight, what glasses these you when you have glasses on, you take them on and off and on and off in your movement.


Take them on and. Oh, really? People have started doing games out of it.


That's so funny. I also do this. Word of Whitney and Benton, this is Heather from Florida, South Florida. I have some nervous Nellie Rudi's tell co-workers that doesn't matter how nice or sweet or professional, and there's still a bunch of assholes. So I'm just curious, in this time of pandemic, what sort of advice or different type of greeting or note could I possibly give of encouragement or just a little. Hey.


Don't be an asshole without going over the line. Pete. Are you opening with word up? Yeah, when you see your co-workers and are you closing your greetings with. This is for sure the person in the office who knows everyone's birthday, who decorates the cubicle for every event. We love her.


She's the girl that wears like the the Christmas ornament earrings. She does Halloween once everyone wins it, like light up and give everyone seizures. I would like to know what kind of co-workers you have that are both nervous nellies and rude as hell. That's a hard place.


We're in a pandemic. I think you have to keep your bar very low for people's behavior right now. I think we all have to be radically forgiving and not expect anything.


And I also don't think you need to be nice to people that are rude to you. They don't deserve it.


So just stop talking to them. Please don't take advice about a professional attitude from Benton Ray, OK? Professional Benton comes in every morning and does not even say hello to me.


I have to be like, hi, you're busy, good morning.


And you'll like, hey, who wants the person? Hello. Wait and hope your day is going good. I'm like, here's your coffee. Are we ready to go when I literally have to, like, make you say hi to me.


I don't want to bother you.


I'll go because I'm professional. I'll go. Good morning. And he'll go. Hi.


Like as if I'm annoying you, but it's not true as it is. So do not take professional demeanor advice from Benteke many office job.


But yeah I would just say stop expecting anything from anyone right now. Yeah. I don't expect people to be in good moods. Everyone's a big grumpy mess. Right.


And you seem really great. So just go with them. Yeah.


Just wear a mask so you don't have to talk to anyone. That's what I tell the best part about wearing a mask because you can mumble obscenities about people under your breath and they won't hear you.


You keep you and you girl, do you piece a word that she was like assholes? I know her meaning she's OK. You those mean heads were up minutes. Yeah. There's nothing you can do because I find like my dream the piece.


Hey hold it just leaves the room.


I just. Yeah. I just think we have to expect nothing from anyone right now. Everybody's like a grumpy mess like I have this one, the Amazon delivery guy who was like legitimately my friend, we talk about dogs. And the other day I made the mistake of trying to befriend another one. And he literally I was like, hey, look, I open the gate and he just like through the back to me. Yeah, he works.


Yeah. It's like, OK, you know what? I get it. I get it. Fair, fair. Not an orange. I literally had to like jump to the side.


I was like, Jesus, here's our next one, OK. What's up with me? This is vampire. I mean, my artificial intelligence programmer for stock trading just wanted to call senior Facebook page and just think that you're a wonderful person. Hilarious. And that these six robots just remember. That if a man hooks up with a sex robot, he's gay, it's not a woman. I don't care how much it looks like a woman, how much it feels like a woman, he's gay.


There's no substitute on this earth for a real woman. Have a good day. So just remember when robots come out and they start taking off the work, taking over the world, just a bunch of gay guys, you know, still like a man who's put a lot of rules on what's gay and what's not gay.


He's living in some some hard boundaries for some reason.


OK, well. Serious, such a queer. I. I disagree, sir. His name's Vampire, a vampire, sorry, vampire. I disagree with you. I think the straightest shit you can do is fuck a doll that looks like a woman.


I mean, do you think it's the opposite?


I think that I don't think a gay guy is like, you know, this doll looks like a woman is basically a butthole. Like, are you just saying that my sex robot looks like a bottle?


Like, I don't understand what that is.


No, I think it's the straightest shit you can do is just fuck anything with a hole.


Yeah, it's a hard disagree vampire. What a thought was put into this. I can't imagine a man that calls himself a vampire. Whatever being wrong about anything.


He's an artificial intelligence programmer for stock trading. I don't know what that means. Sounds like a lie. Doesn't does it?


Does it sounds like a lie that's too convoluted to refute. So when you can get away with for a long time, because it's one of those it's one of those lies that makes you think you're stupid.


So you're just like, OK, you're on the cover of being a vampire.


Yeah. Thank you for your input. I think he was also warning so Whitney, when that happened, don't you worry, it's just some gay guys.


Don't you be nervous, Whitney straight guys would never be attracted to something that looks like you.


I think that's kind of what he's saying, like, all right, cool legs.


Well, it's so funny. OK. Oh, here we go. Here's the next one. No, you can't do this. I was going to insult you, but I can't do it. That was such a cute little voice message entries. OK. Hey, not it's like a rose kind of OK.


Oh, shit.


Hey, not that you were funnier when you were younger, but if you look younger, you'd be funnier. It's not even funny. I'm not saying I'm sorry.


Have a good night. Oh, which one of your friends was this? OK, it's funny because. A roast joke that's not funny or mean enough is just hurtful.


If you could just read the comments and just said what was in there, a roast joke that doesn't hit is just a fact.


I you know what, I, I was really looking forward to that being like was super mean joke, but I don't think it was that mean. You know, if you guys want to do roast jokes to me, go for it.


I'm all out of tears. Nothing hurts my feelings anymore. I've gone numb. I welcome them. Just don't come for my robot. She's got she is sensitive.


We just put tear ducts in her eye. That was good. I like that. It was a you don't get it was cute.


I was scared she got started off with oh fuck I can't do it, which is all comedy so that's great. That was cute.


All right. Here's our next one.


Hey Whitney, I was wondering what is a good way for male fans of, like, female comedians on a female performers to be supportive? And when we get interactions every now and like, I get a message back on Twitter or something like that or response to do I want I want to respond. They respond naturally. I sometimes might not get a response. And I understand a lot of it's part of the fact that they get a million messages a time.


But I always there's that anxiety that I'm way like, oh, did I come off as a creep or is my messaging coming off weird and creepy fan so I can be a little I can be enthusiastic and excited and I want his people to be my friends inside my head. But yeah, I'm enthusiastic and I want to make sure to hear your advice on what's a good way to be a respectful and supportive fan without coming off like a creep. Any advice you got will be helpful.




I'm literally tearing up and crying. So, I mean, it's very sweet. I just made me cry. Oh, God. That really did just make me emotional. Yes, it's just I can't explain why my reaction was so crazy.


That is just pausing for filling.


I'm so sorry. We're holding for emotion. This is crazy. I'm truly. Oh, can we go back four minutes to go.


She's like, I have no tears. Grossed me. I've never cried in my life.


Oh, God. I just. I can't believe how. This year, that was. Well, now let's answer it. So no. So that was just I think that there's it's so sad that when a guy is just like, hey, how can I be respectful? It's just like it's so touching. My it's like the bar is so low at this point.


It's like if the guy just wants to be respectful to a woman, it's just it is so moving.


I just really appreciated that.


It was very nice. Oh God. He was so chipper about it till now.


I know. He was just like, I want to do the right thing and I don't want to when just when he said, I feel like you guys are my friends in my head.


Just really it was very touching. I'm sorry, can you talk? Sure. So I'm working through some shit.


Well, now, wiping my eyes with your man, with my mind is also great as a kerchief when you unexpectedly start sobbing because a man was nice.


Yes. So basically, I think this question is pretty simple to answer. You just want to treat them the way you would treat a male comedian like, you know, buy tickets for their shows, share their clips when they post them, don't talk about their bodies, don't give them advice after the show. Don't want to be like or don't leave advice on a comment because you don't know, being a fan of something does not mean you know about it.


Yeah, I don't want to be too shitty to this guy. It's not him I know, but I'm just saying because it was just so sweet and that was so unexpectedly moving to me as someone who I feel like my entire career guys come up to me after shows and they're like, yeah, I don't even know you're so funny.


I didn't even think you were a woman or like just like you don't call them female comedians be comics just like.


Yeah, totally like my fave.


I know you don't think women are funny, but you're funny. And, you know, I can't believe that I want to fuck you. But you're also funny. I mean, just the shit I've heard for so long.


It's just for a guy, for anyone to just be like, hey, I'm just trying to be a fan without making you feel weird. And I don't want to accidentally make you feel weird, like just the this consciousness of this person just is so cool to me.


I guarantee that he's probably not making people feel weird because he is so close. He's conscious that because I mean, the thing you don't have to be like, you know, you're my favorite female comedian is not a compliment.


Yeah. No one would ever be like you're my favorite female. You're just you're just pitting women against each other in that. That's right. Well, because the other thing is people do is they'll come up to you and just start trashing other female comics, which most are my friends.


They'll just come, you know, who sucks and like that? She's my friend and I think she's great or whatever.


You don't have to say you're so funny and beautiful.


Oh, yeah, no. But I think I think for what I will say is just any emoji except the squirt emoji, the little droplets, the drilling face, the drooling face, the wink.


I don't think you I think people do understand how creepy the wing face comes off, whether they intended or not. If you're like you're so funny, wink, then I'm like, wait, doesn't a winky face negate the thing you just said, like just Jaquet. Isn't Winky basically equivalent to Jaquet at this point? We don't do the wink. It's like flirting, gestated, do the first two rows of smiling emoji. You stick to that, the first two rows downward.


That's all you need.


No eggplant, no devil. Don't send the little devil. That always means like I'm on the prowl. I'm the devil.


Yeah, total horny. I think it really gets weird in the emojis. Like that's where it gets tricky. Otherwise, you know.


And then I would also not assume that shrimp is OK. You can send that one. What does that mean? You know, but it's funny. It looks like a little curled up Dick. I don't know.


I would probably little curled up, but yeah, I would say, look, here's what I'll say. It's very hard to creep out a female comic.


It actually kind of is because they're living in terror all the time. So you're probably doing fine as long as you're not using the squirt, the devil, the eggplant, the winky.


Yeah. And these are this advice is good advice to give to any minority comedian. If you're black, if they're gay, if they're trying. Yes. Don't they're just a comedian. They're not your novelty. Yes. Yes, yes. Yes. But I do think it's good to think like. Oh, because things that you put online or in comments or text don't always construe like tone.


Yeah. You know, sometimes people are just going to play around with you because you're a comedian and you're brash and you do like things that I can do that in the comments and it translates the same.


Yeah. No, it doesn't. It doesn't. So just keep it simple. Yeah. Like our stuff. Buy tickets super easy but share the country. I love this man. Where's he from. Does it say where he was from.


No I can guess. Or his name.


I call him back and just say thank you. The irony is the best way to get a female comic to fall in love with you is to do what he just did, to be respected. Whatever he just did. That is the game. You should throw in female comics because I'm like madly in love with that guy.


Now, that was a very sweet oh, god, that was so shocking. That was so surprisingly emotional. San Antonio.


Oh, my man. Did he say his name or anything? No, I'm in love with him. If you are the person that left that voicemail, please find us and you're going to make him creepy.


But I'm in love. Yeah, he's like, wait, so you don't want to fuck me?


Is that what you're saying? You don't think I'm not. You're not. You're the problem. Yes. But you don't want to creep me out. You don't think I'm sexy. I'm a woman. It you just see me as a comedian.


Oh damn it. Quality is very confusing. Now I feel rejected and ugly.


I was fun. That really was.


I feel like I feel like a lot of I feel a lot of old stuff came up.


I can't believe what you just said. You don't cry you little. I'm faster than you could.


We could get to the next message that was. That was wild. That was wild. I feel like I worked through a lot of old invisible wounds and a lot of old pain just came up. And, you know, I'm I'm not I'm not going to suppress tears anymore. I'm going to just let them flow.


You know, this roast will work out great for the roast me. OK, we've got to wrap up because it's going way too long. We are going to, I believe, have a guest next week. I was on Kimmel this week. If you guys want to watch that, it was on ABC. Any other announcements you want to make merch there? The that's not six feet masks are sold out.


They're coming back, though. But you guys love them. Yeah, but all the other merch is still out there. You can grab some if you want it. We have we're working on new merch.


We're going to do merch that says bop, bop, bop, bop. Yeah, we're working on lots of merch. We're doing wild merch. Why are you giving it all the. It's it's shit. Sorry. We are working on merch plural, lots of fun merch, lots of things that you may not even have expected. Oh right. Plot twists. People on the left to go. We have a big project. Can't talk about it right now.


I'm not secretive but I'm like, I'll tell you guys, you're the ones back and they're not excited. We are not. We're having a I'm not allowed to talk about the product. The yeah. Because you're building up tension. There's a product. We have a product coming out for a beauty products, OK, but I'm not allowed to say it. But you can't say what. But don't you guys want to know now you're going to be on the lookout.


What is this fucking scavenger hunt? Why can't we just tell them? Because it doesn't build tension or marketing is not my strong suit. Just like comedy. You're building tension. You're building tension. Marketing is not where I shine, OK? And elephants don't ride elephants. I can subscribe Alwi YouTube. Oh, that's right.


Like subscribe all the logistics. Three to No. Eight one eight two three nine seven five to seven. Text me guest ideas. I've actually been taking a lot of those guest ideas.


If you want to leave a voicemail, it's eight one eight five three eight nine nine four zero and we might play it and I dare you to try to make me cry.


All it really takes is a sincere compliment at this point for me to totally emotionally unravel anything else.


Paignton I don't think so. OK, I think that's pretty much that was a great year. What are you doing. I'm putting lipstick on for you. Myself, there you go, see you see there we were just testing it to see how you would answer that. No, we're about to record some ads as well. So it's not for you. You learn nothing. I want to make sure that the better help people think I'm pretty, but that is good mental health.


OK, bye bye, guys.


Thank you. Love you. They made me.