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I always open the show with a question you open, so with that which I like to do a soft pitch for, just zip zip up and maybe bing, bang, bong, you know, just switch it up, punching up my slogan.
The reason it works is because it's mediocre and frankly, not that catchy makes absolutely no sense. The key to the reason why that's worked so well is that no one wants to seem like they don't get it. So I was like, that's so funny. And it's just like Bruce, I like it, frankly. So I frankly, frankly, I open after a bit with are we friends? Can you tell the audience if we're friends and what our relationship is so that I'm not going to full of shit be like, oh my God, we're like best friends and then you have to perform the whole effort.
Let's just start out Atlantic. OK, I want to say, like, at this point, it's tough because the comedy community, it's where you see each other so often. I mean, I'm not saying we see each other all the time, but even if it's just online, you have like a belonging in a community as a comic.
So even with someone like I guess I'm closer.
I'm just talking about because I describe like Esther, like I would say I'm closer with Esther, though. You came over and instantly walked away as Esther and started and that's when you started spiraling. And why would you choose? I literally had a full on panic attack and started like chasing down my driveway because I didn't feel included in the conversation. If I had known that, I would have. Which, by the way, quick tangent, which is what a podcast is.
Just a tangent.
When you drove up for some people, especially when you saw some deer. I did.
I drove up and I saw three deer on the left. And I was like, oh, my God. I just because I've seen so many of your videos, like trying to find animals peeing on stuff, I was like, this is what I expected.
But I truly believe that the animals we encounter in the day are sending messages to us, our needs, our need to like, remind us of something that's obviously not true science. But why the fuck not believe that it was a little family of deer?
What do you think they were telling you? What do you think the universe wanted to remind you?
Oh, like when you see a praying mantis, that's a reminder to be still and silent, maybe maybe play because the little the little one was like, boop.
It was like sat back and I was like, you know, and then he jumped into the hill or she swam like it was cute, was like a little hop.
There's so playful and joyful and light. And I think that's a good reminder.
Obviously my job I was telling you, I was like behind on some work, but it's like you have to remember, like, there's play in it fun while you're doing it.
We managed to I think that we take such a joyful thing sometimes. I think we all do this and then make it miserable, you know, like make something fun, miserable because you turn into a job. Yeah. I see so many people with their hobbies turn it into like a job. And, you know, I have this friend who's like, I got to go scrapbook. It's like that's supposed to be the fun thing. Don't turn your fun into an obligation.
I think even like I told those, it's been so long since I've done standup. The last time I did standup was filming my special. So that's such a weird thing. It's such a gift. Yeah. Cause I got it done. Yeah. And then it's also weird because how would I rebuild an hour like this would be now the time where you start to try to rebuild.
So it's almost like speaking of what the universe is trying to tell you, it's like maybe you should stop.
Yeah. Like slow down in May as you just you know, it's also something to think about.
It is like, so I'm not getting up and I'm not getting that adoration and that love. So maybe I'm seeking it. Other places with men are talking to dudes or whatever it is like. It's just interesting that I'm I'm I'm missing that thing that I've been getting for so many years.
It's been fascinating to watch people's coping mechanism be taken away and see how they play whack a mole with their addictions.
A lot of them.
I just these are the times when you're uncomfortable, like I'm like thinking about, oh, God, this is just like what's this look like from the side? Look amazing.
I haven't even been. You look incredible. Do you want to change your. No, I just like it's making me want to take this off. There's just selection. No, no I don't take the reflection. I see it. What if I like we'll go over and it's really bad. What would I change in the next two hours? I mean, I look you look beautiful. That's very nice. I look like Adam Duritz. But anyway.
Yeah. Why don't we turn this off? We're not looking at ourselves. See, I have two male producers in the room that are like, I don't know about body dysmorphia, that women should never look at their own reflection.
So you have to turn this off.
Honestly, I really honestly, I said don't turn it off in the minute it went off, I was like, oh, my God, you're both having a conversation, secretly stealing glances at ourselves in the middle of the whole night.
I mean, I know I'm going to slouch, like, for sure.
You know, they say that if you were to see yourself in the wild, you wouldn't even be able to recognize yourself.
That's how dysmorphic we are. Like, if you saw best in the wild, you wouldn't even know it was. Be really upset sometimes when I'm eating, I'm like somebody watching and capturing this, and I will have to look at it later and I won't recognize and you won't recognize yourself. I thought that it's so wild how dysmorphic we are. You have some dysmorphic stuff.
I have like a democracy. I have a reverse body dysmorphia because you don't know body dysmorphia. It's when you think you're fat, but you're actually stupid.
No, no, no. There's other reasons like mothers and being brainwashed by doctored images of other women since the time we could see.
Yeah, it's so funny. And then you came up. I learned so much in the moment that you came up because you're like, I'm so broken out. And I was like, oh yeah. And I was like, I do that where I upset. Like, I don't see that you're I'd have to really.
Look, we went on such a long tangent that it didn't answer the question of if we are friends. No, I'll I'll go back.
OK, don't you worry, because skin is something we have bonded on.
And you've been there for me on that. Yeah. So here's my thing. I feel like we should be better friends, right? I mean, it's weird that we're not to imagine coming at me.
You know, you've been doing it longer than you are famous. And so when we have those moments like where you like I.
It's I guess I'm sure how can I describe it? I would never assume that you wanted to be weird because you I think of you as this, like, sort of paragon of cool comedy. You know what I like about you, what you let people come to you to do.
But I kind of always have been like that even when my comedy, like, you know, I get on stage bar in Chicago and it's like, wow, no one's paying attention. I'm like, well, if I talk like this, you're probably going to get quiet.
And I'm like, that is truly one of the 48 laws of power. And the production techniques is to not yell the way I'm yelling, although it can be very irritating when someone talks to light like that.
I'm trying to think someone did it to me recently. It was on a zoom. Yeah. So if they want you to pay attention to you can be very irritating when somebody is like a group of people, whether it's on Jumma in person or just like know. So that's kind of like, OK, you know, that's a desautel level.
That's not going to work. But yeah, it's yeah, it's like it is. You have to make it look like I never did. You have to make it look like it's not a power move because I don't think I even when I did it, that's just how comedy came out of me. I was basically sleeping with my eyes the way I was talking very quietly.
I was like, I guess a little shy. Yeah. And so that's I never chose a persona. And I also never watched standup, mostly because I was very scared of stealing. And yeah, me too.
That's what. So I'm not someone who came up on stand up, like adoring them. I remember someone in high school.
I don't see you doing an impression of anyone I don't see like, oh, she's like this meets this. I'm always like Beth is her own thing.
I think you're your own thing too. We are different. We're just like I said, I it's always important to remind people that women are different types of comedians.
There's more than one type. I don't think too long. I am just more. Yeah. I prefer the type of I like when I play Vegas for example. Yeah. I think you destroy in a big theater like you know you are, you're more animated.
When I play Vegas I'm doing Kimo's club and I have to open with just so you guys know, like this isn't going to be like but like over your head.
It's really more of a scavenger hunt for my punch line.
So best of luck to all of you. And let's begin. You know me like I'm here to have a look, but it's more of a bop, bop, bop, bop.
Mine is like, you know, I you know, I definitely I grew up in a home where I was not heard.
I grew up in a home where you had to fight really hard for attention. You people were falling asleep, passing out at five p.m. People were having affairs, they were busy, they were narcissists, whatever.
And I had to I mean, literally to the point I remember going to a therapist who was like, why are you yelling? Like, she literally were just like in a small room. And it was just like I just thought, this is how I had to talk to be heard.
Yeah. So it's taken me so long to just talk at a normal decibel level and I just I'm receiving it.
I it's not intimidates me how self contained. It's almost like a and I'm comfortable now like now that the screen is gone and I'm still wondering like how I might look from the side and why would we have me at the side. You know, you're this is your this is good for me. Yeah. No, this is my this camera's not just for. Yeah.
So but the thing is like I would like to think that I'm more confident that I love it when someone that has a standup special coming out on HBO, Max has been on camera for truly fourteen years. It's like, how do I like that? Should Brazil like the horse has left the barn?
But we still I think people think that when they see that we post ourselves on social media and do specials that we first like our peers are the peace with our appearance and some level like you're just viral and you're like, she should be in a tank top.
By the way, right now I'm wearing a tank top under beautiful, her body beautiful. I was like three years from now, you're going to be like, I should have been naked every day the way that I looked, you know, and still you should be naked then, too. But I'm just saying, like, every year that passes is a missed opportunity to wear a tank top.
Yeah. I don't like wearing tank tops because I don't like how my this my armpits make a vagina.
It's just I get distracted when other people do.
Yours is a tiny garage. There is. I don't want the pedophiles to get too excited about this tiny vagina on my shoulder.
So yeah I just and I don't know, I think that I just have I had this thing where I felt very codependent when you came because I was like, she's so dressed down and chill and like, I'm going to dress down and just look how chill I am. And she's going to think we're like the same.
But it's like I'm not nervous now, but like my default mechanism is a little more withdrawn, pulled in, like even filming the special. I thought I've been doing this for a long time.
It's my first hour special I've done half hours before. I thought I heard it.
I was like, I'm ready. And still I was so surprised how nervous I was there.
It's it's if you're not nervous when you're on stage in front of a thousand people, there's something wrong. You're a psychopath. And, you know, and when it's being taped, you should be nervous. And by the way, nerves are good. Like there's a there's a war on nervousness and anxiety. I am fighting every day nervousness that anxiety can be an engine to make you more, if it makes your senses more focused, it makes you more alert, it makes you better.
Like nervousness is not bad. There's this entitlement among this next generation people that believes they should never have anxiety. Gazidis is the reason our species proliferated. It is the survival, really. Anxiety is such a gift. It is your gut. It is your instinct. It makes you hypersensitive and like it's a good thing. Like if we get rid of anxiety, you'll just be in bad relationships for the rest of your life because you won't have something telling you to leave.
Yeah, that we that's our body telling us.
I have had plenty moments where my body and everything is telling me to leave and I don't care. And it's different reasons each time typically. But the main one is like, oh, I don't want to be mad at me, they're mad at me. I'm bad. I got to be good. Yeah.
You know, so you I stay too long. It's like I know I'm going to be unhappy with someone for up to three years.
I just stay extra long because you're worried about hurting their feelings.
That's how I get into some jokes on this in my special. Yeah, I've stayed in relationships because truly like I, I've been scared before because I'm like, I'm never going to win. I'm not going to be able to get out even if I try. Like, I just I fully like I'm going to be gas lit and I just don't even want to embarrass. And then I'll feel embarrassed and shameful if I try and can't successfully extricate myself or my main breakup move is to just be an asshole until they break up with me.
That's your main move. I mean, works great karmically. SAT where I'm like, I'm just going to be shitty and just hope that classic isn't it.
It's not like no one's done is, but they don't, they usually don't even notice. I don't think I've ever been like this isn't working.
I would love to be confident like I've known and say it's over. I'm sure about it. Let's move on. I mean, I'm still with like four people.
I just I just never handled it. Like, they just I just I don't even know. Because my thing is, as soon as you're sitting down to talk to something, you're just getting back together. Like, I know. I've just historically I'm just like, I'd rather you just manipulate me and I'll talk myself into this because it's just going to be, like, exhausting to have to have this conversation. I think for me it's less.
And if a man starts crying, I, I like I panicked. You're like, oh, no, I'll stay like, please stop crying because I just want to try to relate to that. I am like watching a man cry is so deeply upsetting because they start crying all the tears. They never got to cry in their childhood and it becomes this like uncontrollable sob that's like not even about you, but just think this is too much emotion. I get it.
Your dad didn't say I love you now I'm like dealing with it.
Like it opens a damn that like never stops. Oh, God. Man cries he cries for like forty days.
What just happened to me was me thinking about like a lot of people crying. Yeah, yeah. I think I definitely relate to that.
And to me it's more, it just kind of goes back to that. I don't want this person to not like me, but I'm breaking up with them like I.
The goal is for you to stop loving me. But I don't want you to not love. Yeah. Because it's also the goal is I want you to not like me so I don't hurt you because like not when you keep liking me so I can break your heart.
You gotta do it like I know there's what I realize with relationships.
And someone very wise said this to me once. There's no such thing as a good breakup. Stop trying to make a breakup like perfect. Yeah. So, yeah, one person's always going to be hurting more than the other person. It's always going to be messy. It's always going to stop trying to make it a good it's like I want an exit interview and I would never say like, well what would I do wrong, you know, because it doesn't mean like necessarily anybody did anything wrong.
But I am part of me does wish that there was I know this is not a good like a double rating at the end, you know, like really good at head talks too much, you know, just stuff like that.
I think they that is called revenge porn all over the Internet. I'm sure you're on it.
I haven't checked it. So you were just in a relationship.
It was like so I dated I dated someone for a couple of years. I was much younger than me. And I would just say in thirty and I'm thirty seven. Is it over. Well, I can't break up with him.
He's out of the team. I know I'm currently just trying to be an asshole, but so that was he was nine years younger than me.
OK, and. Yeah. And why is that. Why is that triumphant. Why is that interesting. What it is? It was always interesting on the road because I would say it and there's no part of me that wanted or expected it. Applause Right. Yeah, but it does happen.
They're like for you you once that you're still fucking ball.
But also my thing is I get so confused when guys want to date younger girls, like we're better at sex.
Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm not getting. Like you have such great this this sounds like some sort of humble brag, but recipes.
But it's one of those things where he was like he said to me, you have such good control of your body, like not everybody has that I'm just like, what dead fish are you looking who's not getting what they need?
Who's not engaging their Cordray because they're just like who's not getting what they need? There is something that I'm like, jam that into your books. When I was just like obviously I was kind of flattered by that.
But I'm also like, who are you in and how can I get their numbers to see? When I was younger, I was not that good at sex. I was just trying to look pretty and like stuck in my stomach and like arch my back and like make a lot of noise because I thought that was sexy. I had no concept of, like, enjoying and I was just like insecure and, like, worried and like just trying to emulate what I had seen in porn.
But I do find that younger guys, I'm working on this theory that people in the podcast know and we're going to I'd like to hear this theory that younger guys have more respect for women.
I yeah, I mean, that's what I can only give you my one experience, which was lovely. I have two instances. So I dated a younger guy like five years ago who was like ten years younger than me. And we were making out. And look, I learned you gag on a dick that's like what you're supposed to do that you're supposed to do.
I have no idea if I enjoy it. I just I just what it is, what it is. Guys go shopping with girls and they have to hold the purse. Why they change it, there's not. And we're supposed to gag on their day. We gag on their dicks like I'm not I'm not against it. I'm not pro it. It is what it is like.
I don't care like and by gagging you mean like making a sound like making a song that's fake or here's coming out of your eyes, OK, you're running mascara.
You have to look like you're passing away for a guy to get a boner. Always of great expression. So I don't know.
No, but I mean also like to the point where you might actually like. Yes, yes. And you actually might gag when I brush my teeth. OK, like I dated someone like that.
I'm like, oh, I get so frustrated. Like, that's sort of happening to me within the last couple years.
I think we got too many if we can respond that it's like get it out of here.
But a third is like, I can't even brush our teeth anymore.
Our necks are so trained to gag on anything, you know, has a great joke, by the way, about like not having your head pushed and you don't know what we've been through your hand on the back of her.
Well, I just like have extensions in like I don't touch don't touch my head. I know how to suck your dick. I don't need you to, like, put your hand on. So I'm going down this guy.
I never talk like this in the got by the way, I if I'm excited because I have some other questions just like that I was wanting to share, but I wasn't sure if we were going to be able to talk about.
I think we should it's very dependent on us. You're all going to die soon. So I go down and do my thing. And he was like, oh, what are you doing? Like, he gasp. And I was like, what are you doing? Like, what do you mean?
He was like he literally said to me, I'm not turned on when women hurt themselves.
I've been so embarrassed. I was like, first of all, I drove to your apartment from my house also to be told that by someone who's been here last time, I'm like like a man who was just like, oh, no, no, no, no, honey.
She was like, you don't have to do that. Like, I'm not like, don't hurt yourself. Like, I'm not into hurting women. That's not my camp. And I was so embarrassed because I was like, oh, isn't it?
It's hard to be vulnerable like that.
Like even just like sexually, even if you've been doing it for a while, it takes well, just like older guys, like that's just a given. Right. Younger guys, they're just like, wait, wait.
We were we grew up with Beyonce and communication, I guess, because like everybody likes I mean, maybe I'm just you like male comics that are like we're only supposed to do like ask and it's like, huh?
What do you mean? Like, it's never slowed the mood down.
Like, honest. You ask everyone in the audience where they're from. Yeah. You can ask me if I want to fuck. Yes. Or even something. I'm seriously the sentence. Can I go down on you know that's a turn on to me.
Yeah, well I know that I've been saying like I need your. Yeah. Give you consent to go down.
I mean, obviously, like you would think it would be good. Yes.
But it good to ask but when someone's like can I go down anyways. Like it means they want to and they're asking and it's great. Thank you.
There's something I do think that it is a murky area because I was dating a younger guy that asked me that kind of shit and I just was like, I think because he was younger, it made me feel maternal, like, oh, you need my permission.
Like, it was just like, hit me a weird way with him once. But one time he was like, can I take off your bra? And it was so hot. Yeah, it's nice. It was like good. Actually, the thing they're missing is it puts you in control. Yeah. Can I. And then I get to answer yes or no. But it's all, it's just. There's something amazing like into control, things necessarily look, to be honest, I would say being considered just hum.
I was going to say I don't know about you and you don't have to share, but like I'm not like Kinki, I'm just like pretty like enjoy sex in the way that's like the normal position I feel like for the most I am so boring the way I have sex that it's actually kinky.
It's so like mission like textbook that it's actually like Falck you just have sex like missionary. That's fucking wild.
That's some fucked up like I would say for positions I rotate I would say yeah I guess it depends but I, I'm like whatever dude.
I broke my shoulder a couple of years ago so there's a couple that are off limits, like I have a handstand.
I don't like a couple tricky spots like but I also think I'm learning I like a dominant man I don't like. I used to be like I had to jump on top and bounce around or reverse cowgirl and all this crazy shit.
Never, never, never regurgitate reverse cowgirl for me.
I'm not saying I've never done it.
I just said I don't like it.
It's it's you have to do a lot of math so that the discussion was confusing and I was trying to work it out that I had in my head is really putting a circle in the square. So it is going different, like our anatomy goes the opposite way than the curves. So I'm also like, I feel like your dick is bending in a weird way. Yeah. This is like making me look stupid. I'm really trying to figure out where my cervix would be.
Yeah. It's just like it's a and then but then if I start moving and you start moving, we're going to fuck up rhythms and then you just have to not move at all. Have you ever broken someone's dick? No, no, I don't know. I say I myself feel bad.
No, saying we should not. We should try not to do that.
That sounds let's make first of all, how dare you if I broke into guys dig a hole special two broke dicks, I, I guess I, I think brager exactly.
Yeah. I don't, I don't like having sex in a way where I'm thinking about my balance and if I'm thinking about my balance I'm not, it's not a hundred percent, I'm not a shower person like a standing the shower type.
Never, I would never be able to reach class.
What are we to prove. Yeah. Who's this for. It's also taking away lubrication with the water.
With the juice. I'm getting you chii like what are we. I'm someone's always freezing. I'm cold.
You're speaking of blowjob up. That's the thing I wanted to ask. Now, this is again, it's going to sound like I'm really good at him or something. But, you know, I like your great a blowjob. But here's my theory. Like, maybe I am. Yeah. Like, I feel like I'm good at it.
I'm sorry. We are. No, it is like because a lot of degree.
So I'm thinking like, yes, maybe I'm going to hold my own family objects for a living is what we do like close to home. Yes.
Like um would that be like just though the move like if you wanted it to keep happening then you would be like you're so good at that. Right. Wait for wait. I'm saying a smart guy like you're so good at that. They want it to happen again to get better. Yeah. Yeah.
So I was just sort of breaking my own record of feeling like I'm good at it by saying wouldn't every guy say that you're good at it if they want you to do it again. Oh even if you.
But I guess if you're like a biter or something then they certainly would be like, yo, you know what actually got into it. I feel like you'll know if you're good at it. Based on what comes out, comes out, you'll know like you'll know it's just right. Just tears. Like tears.
So why so the dating the younger guy. Yeah. How did that go.
So I would say was weird. I would just say no. Well OK. I've never been into younger guys though because here's what I'll say. He just, I just, I'm like, oh what's this fetish like. I assume like you don't really believe that. Oh yeah, yeah. No, no, no. I'm like, oh this. You're like working out something with your mom.
This is like a mom thing or thing for Julianne Moore though. So I actually do believe they would know. But I'm just I'm so I have so much internalized misogyny that, like, I can't because I've been conditioned to believe that women, as they get older, have no sexual attraction. So, like, are valid. Why would a hot young guy want to date an older woman when you could date a little thought, right. Or. Yeah, with perky boobs.
And just like basically I remember talking to my friend David O'Doherty and he was like I was like, what is it like? Because he's a comic, too.
And we were just like chatting about being with older women. I was like, well, what's it like? You know, like what did you notice?
He's like their skin's just looser was like, it's true. Like when you touch your body, it's just like their skin is just looser. Like that's it. Like who really cares making you laugh. I actually liked it. Yeah. But I just think of pussy right away. Oh that's the first thing I think of. The first thing I think about. That's my nightmare. About like a nightmare that a younger guy has sex me is like that's like a baggy pussy is a loose but yeah.
I mean all skin except that I mean you can pick and choose which skin. That goes under that umbrella. Yeah, OK, but that's not actually where I went, I guess what else I like about it.
When a guy is younger and you're older, I weirdly feel more secure about it. Looking older because I'm like this. This is your thing. Yeah, you can do it. Whereas if I'm dating someone my age, I try to look younger and like wear makeup and look perfect. But for some reason on him I'm like, you're into this granny shed. So like, fuck, I'm not putting makeup on.
I felt I, I will say, even though it's not worked out at this point, I did feel very comfortable, very, very confident or.
Like it does take a it takes years maybe to get there with some people but I was yeah I was fine.
Like I walk around naked like there was no no there was no like I need to really did feel like loved by him and I and I love him back. I think I just what happened with us was just maybe different places in life.
Yeah. And feeling like I've already done all that.
I had to sing along to L.A. more. Yeah. Yeah. It's really rough of a deal breaker. You oughta know. Yeah. I think you don't know Lisa lovesongs back.
Not sustainable but there is a fun part about dating someone younger because they also kind of keep you in touch with younger things like. Yeah, like the Meems is the main memory Jeffy's and they.
Well that is actually I can't believe you said that because when I started dating a young guy, every text was a picture like a gif.
I know this sounds so fucking old, but like like I just learned how to communicate my feelings in words like last year and now I have to learn a new language like Homer Simpson should like like he was like, just send me like an Arrested Development gift. I'm like, I haven't seen that episode. Like, what happened? It like I don't know what this is. Do you wanna go to dinner or not? And then it would be like like little Honey Boo Boo, like in a like child pornography.
Why are you sending me this? I love that. Like the gift. The gifts are all like like there's a lot of funny ones of like young girls, but we've all agreed it's OK because we've all made them famous. So it's OK. They're all the same young girl. So it's OK. But why are you just sending me like, like random gifts of of babies, children?
Another aspect of that, the communication, like the lots of it. Did you feel like it was a lot more than like an older person, like a lot more communication and maybe potentially on all platforms? Definitely.
Like Twitter, Instagram? Well, that kind of annoyed me because I was like when I get a dime on Instagram, I'm like, you have my number, why are you doing this?
And I leave it on scene. And interesting that you think that because I'm like sometimes I like being over there in the ground. I don't know why. So nice.
It's like fun to be over you just like want like a corporation. I get all your text messages forever. Yes. You're just gonna make sure Jeff Zuckerberg owns, like, nudes.
I don't do nudes or anything. Do they really. Oh, through there. Oh no. One hundred percent. What do you like. Nude. What's the main go to nude.
I'm someone who was like really worried about like authenticity and therefore I can't send like an old nude cause like you. How do I got to be cool. You had like a cute I would feel guilty like if I sent one that's old and I don't look like that anymore and or that I really sent to someone else.
I'm not saying I've never sent the same one to two people recently, but yeah, I'm saying like I was in hair and makeup and this one, like it's the same like one that they filled with time. I think one time I sent an old one and it wasn't in that bed anymore. So I like, make it look like I was too bad. I forget what I'm messing up the whole story. If you're going to resent me, I can't remember you better make sure you're still in the same living area will eventually be like, wait a second, you don't have the same any bathroom wall.
Listen, wait a second. We have an Apocalypse Now poster in the background of this. Why is Barack Obama listed as the president on the back of CNN?
When was this girl in you?
I go to Vegas. We know that was I took that at a friend's house. You took a nude at a friend's.
I think it's a one time my a friend of mine got a dick pic from a guy, and it was very clearly a cell phone photo of a pregnant photo was so funny that we spend so much time trying to figure out he printed out was like his he had a great dick pic that he obviously took on like a camera.
And he's like, this is my pick. And then just said, OK, OK, but here's why you got to be careful about keeping them updated.
If they save it to their phone, it goes in chronological order so that that needs to zip right onto the camera.
Roll, baby. And maybe you hadn't met yet. So that's what I'm going to advise everyone here to take a screenshot of whatever you're going to send on that day.
It's really the best advice I have ever. I'd be like guys mustardy know that you'd see an old nood. He's just looking for it. He's like, I can't find it. Oh, no.
It's up here with my when my wife took photos screenshot and old nude so it doesn't go to the edge of the camera realm. Beth Biomax, August 20th.
Girl Daddy, that is so fucking funny, dude. I love the little ways that technology sabotage.
Yes, I know. I know it does. It has increased. I'm trying to think like obviously it's helped relationships and getting to know each other because you can FaceTime, you could be with someone who's far away. You get to know them, but then I don't get you in the ass. All right. Well, what really gets me is the memories feature where it's like a year ago today.
I want to see it literally. It's like I love the people, like, oh, that was my baby, too. I'm like, oh, like like, oh, like my emotionally abusive ex.
Just like Pops examines my day. I want to see it look. What are the chances that your memory from a year ago is going to be a good one? I'm just like I'm still on the same spot. Thanks for the reminder that I made no emotional growth.
I'd also like to I wish you could do the thing where I like technology will do that to you all the time, like going to text somebody.
And it's like suggests the person that you were talking to for a long time, while like most I know, like, I don't want to see that anymore and delete their contact, I guess, but that's much.
And then they're going to show up first on your Instagram stories. Yeah.
So where do you mean people online? Are you on a dating app? I only did Rhia like truly for a month before I met my young boyfriend because he was Canadian working on that film Good Boys in Canada. Yeah.
And so I, I was with one of the guys on set was like you should do right.
And I was like, OK, I'll try it. And then I got into it with that guy. So I stopped. So I only did that in my whole life. Rhia for like a month. Did you like message with people? I did. And I found that.
I don't know, I match with some people who never messaged me, that's I think that's I think for a lot of guys I was like a video game. I think all of us see who you get as many matches as you can. And like, I'll I'll figure out later which ones I actually wanted to.
OK, yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. And I did text with one who was like, oh I live in I'm going to burp.
I think I'm sorry really.
I'm really worried about how I look from this angle. Vulnerable, but at the beginning it was a little tight for me.
I was like sitting here like yeah yeah yeah. I know these chairs are uncomfortable. Jesus, I know. I also think I should think and then I, he was like, I live in Seattle and this is what I do.
And then you you can click on their social media. Yeah. And I'm not swayed by like followers. I'm not like, oh that's what I want to win with followers. Yeah. It is so shocking. You don't know who the person is.
You have millions of followers.
You're like, well why. What. Yeah. What shape were you in or or like what, what do you need. I don't know what needs granola bars.
You invent something or it's like I'm trying to think what it was like a photographer for House magazine.
That's not a magazine. But yeah, I just mean homing. Homing. I better go.
I feel like I feel like you're just glitching the spinneret over the computer, over your face.
And then there was one guy who was in a band again, like kind of a more red flag.
Yeah. So so. And I think maybe it was just like, hi.
Hi. What's up? Yeah. And I'm not getting that money.
There's no and there's honestly, I truly when someone messaged me on a dating app after three texts, it's like, great, one, two or three messages. Want to hop to text. And then I would like to move to face time.
You face time, lover, face time, love the face that's oh love a face time. I'm not against it. I'm not. Oh I'm so pro a face time. It's ridiculous because no one I can see the inside of their home and see if they have a good Wi-Fi connection. If your Wi-Fi sucks that is a red flag to me. Your shit's just not an order like you're just not on point with your life. And then I get to see your house right away because I don't think anyone else is in it.
That's exactly right. Panorama's there's just a girlfriend in the corner and I know I'm moving out since I was dating a guy who is a rock climber and I was like pan to the ceiling.
I know you date girls at a rock climber girl hanging from the ceiling like a spider, but there are some people I usually I think people like us find them. Usually if you meet someone who is like boring, like my reaction to someone neurochemically, I usually can tell what they are. Do you know, I'm like, this person's an alcoholic, this person is codependent. This person is a love addict, sex addict, whatever. Adrenaline, addict, narcissist, borderline narcissist, clue's be narcissist.
Instantly you start walking on eggshells. Yes. Instantly you start complimenting them. Oh my God. That's how you know you're dealing with a narcissist. Oh my God. Yeah.
Yeah. So you can usually tell what's going on with someone else based on your reaction to them. Narcissist. I make myself smaller. That's what happens. I start self-deprecating and not with a young man. Just to be clear. Yeah, I start self-deprecating. I start minimizing myself. I start like like yes. Not shining and not being comfortable or confident. And then it made me feel yeah. Not feeling comfortable, but it made me feel like everything I say I'll say something like that was dumb, you know.
Do I just make her mad. Mad. I shouldn't have said that. And then I start cleaning up the mess with my codependent people pleasing behaviors. I'm like doing anything. And I become a waitress and I'm like, do you need anything?
Are you hungry? Do you want anything? Like, is a cold like do you want it again? I start like giving them things.
I'm just sort of like these headphones. You want them if you could totally use these like that just really happened to me. Yeah. I was just like I also too was bummed because I was like, you don't ask me any questions about myself.
Like I wish you would try to get to know me so you could understand me, because right now I'm spiraling. I didn't say this, but I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and stuff. And if I weren't feeling like that, then I'd be myself. And you see how great I am. Yeah. And then so unfortunately, instead of like being grounded and remembering that I'm the adult and I can take care of things in myself and I don't have to like, receive that.
Yeah. I said did most of those things.
That's really interesting. And did you feel it right away. No, because it was kind of like fun at first. Yeah. Because I yeah. I by the way I am so gravitated I, I it gives me, it recreates my childhood circumstances perfectly. It's a comfort zone for me. At certainly the beginning. I get the perfect neurochemical cocktail of adrenaline and cortisol and shame and guilt and eggshell walking in like did it. Oh God. But then I so sickly love it because when you do get their approval it's like right.
Breadcrumbs almost like like you're trying to like he did say this and he did, he did that. He does like and he hates everyone else. Yeah. And it's so hard to please and I please tell but here's this. This is the thing now and this is not your part. Then I'm thinking to myself, I don't like this person. They're kind of negative. Like, I don't want to be with this type of person yet. And I decide that and I.
Draft up my I think we should start talking like 15 with 15 different alts, and I have an email or a text just in my notes because it's like I might need to be able to say I'm going to practice it. With all your apologies, along with like, I don't think it's working or talking and and I never send it. And then the minute he's like, I want to do this tonight and I'm there. Yeah. You know, why would I like, you know, and then I'm hurt at the ready.
Yeah, I don't know. And then it's just like and then I'm, there's something very I couldn't cut it off. Why wouldn't I be able to just cut it off.
There's something very cellular about narcissists in the way they have control over us, because I think it recreates an authority figure, which is children. We figure out how to please our parents and make them like, you know, and they say narcissists can get really specific. There's different kinds of narcissists. They say that narcissists project the image that their parents would have approved of.
They themselves projected. Yes. So, for example, if someone's like I'm amazing at sports, I'm using a basketball spouse, speziale the full complaint. You're like, oh, your dad wanted you to be an athlete. I see. And you couldn't do it. And now you're projecting the image that he would have approved of. Like, you can get pretty specific, you know? And I'm like, oh, I just learned everything your parents didn't like.
Based on what you're now projecting, you have to project an image of the person they would have loved in the whatever. So I, I don't sympathize with narcissists like there are some neural wiring things and like where they just lack empathy for other people and they have to be the center of attention at all times. Like like someone where if you're having conversation and talking about your day. And then I got in a car accident and I hit this person's bumper and they're like, well, when I got in a fender bender four years ago and my seatbelt didn't work, and you're like, not the same thing, why are you now making this about?
How did you manage to make that about you? Yeah, you know, and when you feel the need to take care of their feelings all the time is a big one.
And when you're describing that type, sometimes it doesn't even mean that they're like really that animated or the center of attention necessarily.
It can just be more of like a narcissist can be very charming and very charismatic, which is a red flag and a lot of ways. But they also can be very withholding so that they give only 10 percent. So you're giving ninety nine and then you give so much you still don't get the approval that you need, which even if you got it, you it's you can't for long. Wasn't like enough. Yeah I didn't, I got I never really quench your it's insatiable but narcissist love for someone to do ninety and for them to do ten.
Wow. Yeah. And then because you get to do the shame spiral yourself because then you're like why did I give so much.
It's like codependents breeds resentment thing but unrecovered codependents. We love narcissists because they make us feel like shit interest and you can never get their approval. We're in this constant approval seeking process and the process like reaffirms this old false narrative that I'm not good enough. So I am I know I'm good enough. I'm enough. Yeah, I'm going to find someone that no fault of their own makes me feel like something. It's like I'm going to hurt myself. Yeah.
Like I'm just hurting myself with you. Yeah.
I think sometimes too. Like when you were talking I was like, oh I worry sometimes and I'm like, I'm that. And I might be that might be like you read a horoscope and be like it's true. That's right. That's all. Everything. So yeah. Because when you were talking about that, I'm like, oh no. Sometimes when somebody is sharing something, I give them my experience and I don't mean to make it about me, but that's how I'm trying to relate to you.
Like, Oh, that happened to me too.
But it's your it's all motives and you can feel motive. So it's like if I talk about the car and I got shot and you're like, oh my God, I did that in the Intrinsa this year relating to me. That's one thing for attuning to each other. But if someone's just like, well, when this happened, like Spotlight back on me. Yeah, I feel the difference. You can totally feel. Yeah, it's not about commiserating.
It's just about I just don't want to hear your experience like I've had. Dismissive.
Yeah. It's dismissive. I think we know so much like sometimes obviously like you hear psychologists in their own trauma and you know why they became that thing, you know. Yeah. Because they have their own I don't want to call it baggage, but their own trauma, our own experiences or something.
And so I was like thinking about that or I'm just like, I don't know.
I don't want to be the I think it's a comic as where I was going with that.
It's like you need to be able to joke about it to make it maybe have your power over it or have it make sense in your head. In order to joke about it, you have to like become an expert on it.
Yeah, that's what I find myself doing is interesting.
Sometimes I get so bothered to ignore, like everything you shared with me would have been like new information for me because I haven't delved into the narcissism thing. I have an idea of what it is.
But when you shared all those things, I was like not even rage with that person. Yeah, they discuss it. They had had it in the past.
Yeah, but oh, that's such a fucking narcissist move to list all their flaws. They say, like I did this and here's all the things I did write it. So then moving now you know everything. Yeah. You know, you know what you're signing up for. Yeah. What kind of piece of shit would sign up for this. And when I fuck up like I told you, I told you I was like, I'm a mess. I was like, does it say I'm.
A superior piece of shit or something, it's like I'm better than you, because not only myself aware, but I'm going to tell you all my flaws to no one you like, weirdly, respect me for being self-aware and dibby litany of shit. Now you know what's coming, and I don't have to be a good person. And I'm like, and I would like to give you this.
Yeah. But I think sometimes we really conflate self-awareness with sickness.
It's not when people like I have this, I have this, I like whoa, they're so brave, they're so vulnerable and like they they know they've done work on themselves. But it's also like, are you walking the walk like you have awareness now.
Now the change thing, like when people are like, I hate it when guys go like, well, I'm a guy, I'm dumb, like I'm going to do dumb.
And like, you're not a brony commercial like me mean when someone's like, well, I have this and I have depression and I have this. And it just sort of like, OK, now you are making it so I can't apply the same rules to you. Yeah. Like your coding yourself and invincibility of your own self awareness. So now. Yeah, I see. I'm not allowed to treat like an adult.
Yeah. Sort of. Or hold you responsible for things like it's like they're whatever, it's like a medical issue. Like your note for gyms.
You don't have to also don't give yourself the note I'm going to give you. Don't take that away from me.
Don't let me say it. Let me leave that Yelp review. Yeah. It's like I'm just a dumb guy. That's what I was going to say, to steal my license, steal my insult. But yeah, sometimes when people sort of beat themselves up, there's this instinct to go like, oh, they're so evolved in like, you know, like I talk to friends all the time. They're like, you know, that he really he's really working on his shit.
I'm like, why is there so much shit to work on? Yeah, working on this shit still means they have a bunch of shit and working on it, you know what I mean. Yeah. How hard are they working. Talking about it to other people isn't working on it. That's true. You're not working on it. If you're just telling everyone about your trauma that doesn't count. Yeah. And I've always found to like I think sometimes people who have like, you know, you never want to be the person that has been through stuff and then uses it as an excuse for your behavior, you know.
Yes, I don't victimizing yourself is a form of, like, bullying sometimes.
Yeah, I was like, this isn't going to go over well, but I was thinking about this the other day, some weird lol. I was just thinking like I'm going to go with the world. I was comments.
Male comics are like, well I'm fucked up because like my my I watch my parents fight and female comics are like, I'm fucked up because my dad fucked me, you know, like there's like so I mean that's not true.
By the way. Sorry that I'm just saying, like sometimes it feels like. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a little bit like OK. I mean you have to trust me. I'm not trying to compare like. Yes, yes. That's why I said it wasn't going to go over. Well yeah.
No it it's no I'm trying to figure out because I'm having reactions to it versus male versus female. Tear me apart. Really built my house.
Comparing men and women is why I get to live here.
So I'm not against that. That's fully my brand.
I do a lot of favorite jokes from the special was the what do they call it, a back up dancer.
I don't want to ruin the joke. I wish you could. Oh yeah. What was. So I know. I just I want to give the punch but I had to back up dancer. I did have a backup dancer joke in last special. I don't remember what it was. I do remember that idea, which is why I'm laughing back up. Back up to I truly can't remember I after I saw you special. I like it's like the black.
Oh I know. That gets removed.
There are male gold diggers to dancers.
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I mean basically like sisters I bring it up because it's like I have older sister, older brother and then a bunch of siblings I've never met. But I was just saying you have older sister.
They kind of just I'm not saying my sisters trapped me in the past, but I'm just saying, you know, though, it's kind of one of those. They don't do that at all. I'm just saying.
No, we talk about this all the time. Like this is your family makes you regress and stay stuck in the role you were in when you were like fifteen. And you don't get to grow. And the people in your family, you come home and you have to regress back to that power dynamic of like and I've had this with friends to where it's like I'm the younger kid that they make fun of and beat up on. And and then ten years later, I'm like, don't talk to me like that at all.
Thirty seven years old, they don't call me a cunt or a hooker and say, Hey, hooker, I do hate that.
Yeah, I hate it. I had a girlfriend growing up that was like, what's up? Or Yeah it's maybe that's what I just said, never really like it.
Maybe it was playful but always felt a little slut hooker. Hey whore hooker was one hooker. It's just it's whore. Honestly I you know, I think you hate me. I hear you hear a thing like that calling me a safe space hooker. I kind of miss the word hooker. I don't like when girls call me hooker, but since there's a conversation about sex work now, it's people say prostitute and sex worker. And I'm like, I kind of miss hooker.
Yeah, that's such a like rough is very Julia Roberts, pretty woman.
There's something just like hookers. This is a good word. Yeah. Because it's just kind of like it also makes you feel like you got them on the line, you know.
Yeah. It's like you're in charge like, like a hooker is just it's such a weird explosive there with a K.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's, it's a good word. I don't, I don't like when. Yeah. I don't like when girls use words on each other.
They don't like it. The guys use on them.
I mean I get why guys are a little confused. I wouldn't, I would never wear like don't talk to me like that. Hey HULKA. So what you say bitch about like I can't, I can't call you back like if you. Yeah. I don't like you.
I've never found it sounds like appropriate but I've never found it appropriate to call a friend any sort of name. Yeah. I'm just saying I've never gotten to fight. I can't think of anything specifically.
I actually may maybe like she's being a bitch but I would saying that to our other friend about her. Yeah.
Here's the thing. I think I call women because in work environment I say, sweetheart, I said sweet pea for a while. This is more of a Southern thing. This is more of my in Virginia. Did this sweet pea, honey, is a big one like honey, honey.
But when Natasha calls me honey, like I feel good about myself.
Yeah. Yeah. But if a guy called you honey you'd be like yeah. I mean like yeah if yeah.
It's like I'm thinking of like being in the writers room of another period and like if when Natasha did it it was lovely.
And if she was like, hey honey, I'd be like but Natasha's from the twenties. Yeah. Literally, yeah. She says she does. Yeah. She doesn't know she can vote like this. A lot of I have to get her registered because she doesn't even know she has the legal right. I mean it touches like of a different era.
Yes, it's true.
You know, but yeah I, I'm trying to think if I've had like a boss say, honey, if it was an older man, I'm trying to think of somebody that you've been.
And I feel like we've been a lot of similar work situations. And it's interesting, the things you have to normalize or go numb to like are there's where you're just like, OK, your hand was a little low on my back. That hug was just a little too long. But like, what am I going to say something? What am I going to be the squeaky wheel?
Oh, I mean, definitely in the past one hundred percent, that attitude like I felt like just hang like just be cool still with it, because it's also the kind of thing where it's like when you explain it, it does sound dramatic. Yeah.
I get like and I think being told you're crazy, you're psycho, calm down, relax for so long has been internalized in my when it's like and then it's also like for me to go to H.R. is like it's like an hour out of my day and like I got a bunch of forms and like that's why I found it so funny in Bird Special when he's talking about how angry was that.
Another female comic flip flopped is dead. Yeah. Well, my take away from that, because he was so upset, he talked about meditating on it like he made it into a big enough to be a bit yeah, I could have all those bits, so many of those, but yes.
But it was like, I'll be cool. I'll hang in Chicago and in the back of the room.
And I didn't keep secrets. I was ashamed. I was like, yeah, why what what is it going to get me if I don't come to the show anymore? It's the best show in the city. Yeah. So the anger, I understood his anger and I related to it because I was like, yeah, that's the closest. You understand what it's like to be a female comic. Yeah. Yeah. But it's all or woman in any business.
Sure. Your sister. I mean, what. Wait, I'm only speaking from my own right. I speak for all women and everyone knows that I've been elected. There was a there was a meeting that I yeah. There was a series of elections. And I again, I've been chosen to speak for all. But it's like the little tiny things where it's like the bigger things, like someone slapping you on the ass or something is almost better because at least it's clear what happened.
I know what I whereas when it's something just kind of creepy and we're like, I'm cornered or something where I'm like, I'm not sure if I'm crazy. Yeah, because and if I explained it to someone, I would probably sound like either one. I was like bragging or overreacting or I think quite a lot of myself. Sure. You know what I mean? I know, like I just feel like it hugs me like a little too long, like, OK, easy, like take the confidence because all those things you just said are just stuff that's thrown at us when we say like, hey, this happened and I didn't like it.
Yeah. Yeah. For a title, by the way. I just don't.
Yeah. I love this attention. I love sitting in I love everyone hating me because I had self-respect.
I wrote down for some reason in my word document of questions for you. What is your experience with gaslighting?
You know what's interesting? My therapist just said that to me on Wednesday. I want yeah, he was gasping you and I was like, you know what's interesting? I had a I had a reaction to it like almost like I don't love all the rape culture terms.
They kind of make me feel, I guess, like judged and ashamed, like I was triggered, like, well, that's true. But I feel weird saying it because I really like jokes about people being social justice warriors and very sensitive. Yeah.
So when you say GasNet, I'm almost ashamed to say it.
I was absolutely and I'm sure about it because I'm like, oh, I get psyched to say it because then I'm like, OK, that wasn't my fault.
I was tricked. You fool me once. I feel stupid and I'm like, oh hey guys, let me thank God. So what did that mean for you, though? When you say big ass gaslighting is when and my someone told me to watch the movie Gaslight, which is a very maybe I it's an old black and white movie that kind of just like. So you're not like reading an annoying clinical book about gaslighting. It just shows basically when you're in a bad relationship, it can be with a boss, it can be with coworkers.
Family members gaslight a lot. It kind of masquerades as codependents and not recovered alcoholism and stuff. But it's when a crazy person makes you think you're the crazy one. So start a fight with me.
I wanted you to stay for coffee.
I just I, I don't know why you're yelling at me. Oh, I was yelling. I know.
I like I just feel like you're attacking me and I just I like it just hurts my feelings when you. Well now you're like do you feel angry if you leave. No. Well now you're laughing. You're smiling. I don't know why you're laughing at me. So I just now I'm hurt.
You know, the answer is yes, I'd love to have coffee with you, but it's like when somebody victimizes themselves to the pillow.
I used to fight with me. I was like, would you like to have coffee? I know it's weird. I want to fight about no, but it's like gaslighting is very like the person will victimize themselves usually when they are the perpetrators. It's like when classic when someone who's cheating on you accuses you of cheating to like throw you off so that you're like, no, no, no, I'm not cheating. And ever so that you're showing them your phone so that you're not looking at theirs.
OK, it's a way to sort of gaslight you into thinking you're the problem.
Wow. You know, and a lot of people gaslight with, like, psychology jargon like of like, you know too much now. Yes. It's like some people will manipulate self-help book jargon in order to be like, well, now this is just my attachment strategy and I'm fearful, avoidant and you're attacking me. So I'm going and I'm triggered. And they'll use it to my love languages. Totally.
So they like appear really healed and stuff. And it makes you feel like you're crazy. Wow. And like, well, they've done some work, so I guess I'm. Yeah. You know, silent treatment is gaslighted and yeah. You know, withholding is gaslighted. Withholding love and asking. Yeah.
Like or so I guess I said coffee because it was like when you stay for coffee and I'm like yeah. And then like I start talking like I just wanted to like chill out because how you fight have you know, this is quite OK.
So I, I'm saying this is the scariest way to fight with someone. I can't believe you just did that. Weird, like serial killer fucking you just get Supergirl. I'm what I did. I'm like, I'm sorry, I don't know what you're doing. You just turn into Joan Rivers.
I actually think, though, when I fight, I get tired, argue, and I say, I don't I'm not fighting you. I'm fighting for you. I'm fighting with you. I'm fighting for you.
And if I win, we both lose. That's kind of gaslighting.
I one time I was talking about, like, you know, when you've been together with some for a long time and, you know, their stories, you see them tell their story.
You know what? I'm trying I've had that happen. I don't think I have been with anybody, like, when I'm going to or when you. But I know what you're saying. When someone's got a story that's like a great story and it's like tell a story and they tell it at dinner and you've heard it a bunch of times and you're like, oh God.
Oh, that's how I feel sometimes about comedy, though. Well, we do that for a living.
We do it like if I say something on the part that I have to address, it truly is a huge part of me. Losing attraction to people is watching them tell the same story at dinner parties over and over again. You mean like you fucking hack? Oh, by the way, you change that story. That's not even how it fucking happened. You just like, punched it up like, oh, all of a sudden now you're driving, all of a sudden you're in Italy for the story, like all the.
Yeah, I wouldn't like that either. Why is your story keep getting better every time you tell him. Why do you get more heroic every time you tell the story? And you know, when you're at a dinner party and you see a couple story and the wife is like, that's not what happened. And I'm like, oh, that's not what happened. There's nothing worse than when someone and a couple calls out the other person for lying to the star.
No, it's true.
And it is like it could be so uncomfortable. But you just, like, think of her being like that was that was cool to call it out.
You're breaking up zone like I'm glad to be a part of your journey of yours. But no, I think love is letting them tell the story, letting them shine, letting them lie a little bit, laughing at it and saying fucking nothing. You don't get to embarrass your person in public. I don't care. I don't care. One hundred percent. Yeah. Unless, of course, they're being like, drunken, ridiculous or something.
Then you're like, we need to leave and sorry everyone, we need to leave and get married immediately. I believe we have to go. We're moving in together.
I love you too much and I want to share you and I'm a friend of mine told me this story about he's been with his girl for twenty years. Oh, my goodness.
Well, they're married with kids. I know. OK, well, I'm just trying to figure out a way to work when he's listening to us, he doesn't know it's him. And he has a story, a crazy story about when he was in Germany and he had this big fight with, like some criminal. And it was like he got burgled, would call it mugged burglar. And he told the story so many times. And one time she they were to dinner and she started telling the story as if it had happened to her.
She starts killing one to go in the car is like that didn't happen. Like, what was that? And she's like, what do you mean? He's like, that didn't have to happen to me. And she's like, no, I did it like, you know, he was like, you stole my stuff.
She's like, I don't know where you end. And I begin. I think that's just so funny.
You believe that. And you're just like, I don't like when you see a couple trying to tell a story and it's like and then we were no go like when you see a couple like and then that's not exactly what you do it like. I just love that you need to come out like a couple trying to win the dinner party. They're both competing with each other and you're like, this is such a big fight in the car. Oh my God, I need to go to more dinner parties.
I've been to one. And it was that was in the before I was. Yeah, that's true. I have. Mark, are you on birth control.
I have written down here is an appropriate question. No, I have jokes about it.
Of course I'm not on birth control because sometimes birth control is like I know you're hungry, but what if you cried, you know, so I don't.
A good inaudible. Two men in the room were bummed out and men love birthday. You managed to ruin birth control for two men. Yeah, I don't do that. I did the pill for a bit. And when I was in college and I'm trying to remember what religion in college.
Sorry, in college. What color was the blue? I mean, the Yassmin.
Yeah, maybe that's what been or seconds pink. It was the blue and then I stopped.
I got the marina IUD, I have it and I had that for I kept obviously the first one for five years because that's how long it lasts.
And then I got another one so much when you put it in. Yeah. Did it feel good.
I it hurt the I have a very high tolerance for pain, not emotional, physical and I like truly not but it's I broke my shoulder, didn't go to the doctor for three days. Like pain is like for whatever reason I have a very high tides for pain. I got the IUD, I puked. Wow.
I first of all when it got installed the word got inserted, I got sewn in stitched. When I flew back so hard, I hit my head on the wall in the sky and I was just like, ah, like you could have a concussion. Like I had to sit down and they did all the concussion stuff and then I puked and it was the it was the it's a weird pain. Yeah.
They said, did you say this to you? It's going to feel like one big contraction. Did I say that? I mean, I've never had a kid.
So how was it. Yeah. Yeah, totally no difference. It felt it was truly the worst pain. Yeah.
To me it was like, like that. And then also like it, you know, it was like a stabbing in a place I've never been touched, which means every guy has a tiny dick.
I'm learning a lot as I talk to the jabbed at my cervix a couple of times until it finally figured out it's way the penis.
Sorry, keep to the blood. No, to just my cervix. It hurt real badly out with a deck, yeah. And then it found its way, but anyway, as my vagina deformed, I've learned over, I actually found that I have a abidance uterus, which is why I don't have the Marine anymore. What's a big horn uterus? You could look at it one of two ways, depending on how you feel about me.
One would be that its heart shaped and two would be like it's like a devil devil shaped.
It's told so many things about my uterus. It's a type of Malorie, an anomaly in the human uterus where there's a deep indentation at the fundus of the uterus.
And even though I had a fundis, you have a fundis. I don't like that operative word fun. Well, they told me it was like this.
Is this rare? I don't know. It's about point four percent of people have this well, I was told that I'm very special and that I shouldn't continue with the marina because I could get pregnant in one side.
OK, yeah, so it's like I could get it could be over here. Wow. So you would need you have like two uteruses to uteri, even know about that because it's definitely a uterus hoarder.
Yeah. So you have a heart shaped uterus.
So sweet. So the T would have been in there but yeah. So when guys are fucking they're fucking like a heart it's even weirder. Dark fell in love with you.
That was gross. Don't break my arm so you don't do the marina that your uterus. Yeah.
And also I mean I would do we want to get graphic because I can. What are we doing. I'm saying like the strings that hang out. I guess it depends on like here's why.
The strings that hang out of the IUD. Yes. Yeah. So like for I'm sure most people who are watching, I would imagine. No, but it's like you have your uterus, there's that that the cervix here, which if you're it feels like the c an enemy type hole, like if you reached up in there, that's OK.
You just ruined vaginas for me at the CNN. To me, I'm saying, is that the only thing that feels like that? Then you'd have to read to a little lady, don't you're like, OK, you're like, so the octopus asshole like clockwork. And we find a different point of Calama.
Yeah, tiny, tiny, just tiny little doughnut.
So, you know, the IED goes in the vagina and then up through the cervix into your uterus. Yeah. And so the strings hang out the cervix and obviously they don't hang out your vagina like a tampon would know. But if you're in there you could feel the strings. They feel almost like a little bit of fishing line. That's right.
That's right. And sometimes a guy will be like, it poked my penis and they think that's because they had other way.
First of all, congratulations, but it's most dick slide right past the cervix. It doesn't mean you have a big penis. It poked your body.
Really. Now it's just at an angle. I am realizing I don't know what a cervix I mean, I don't know. I don't really know about it. I don't know anyway what a vagina is versus a uterus for. I know that difference. Like cervix like I had a what was it called.
Huh. A spurgeon. You're my friends.
I corps remember you sort I have like a a gurgle. Oh. A fun fondness for girl Dongo.
No it's I don't know if we put the graphic stuff I was going to say was more like say you are with a partner who is using in you.
Yeah. Do you like. I was like searching for a word that also I get weirdly shy around the stuff. I don't pussy I really don't like. Okay. Sorry about that.
No it's OK. I'm just telling you, I don't know what I say for Gisel Drizzt. What did you call it. Gyges. Yeah. I don't know. I like it weirdly. Like cum is the thing I like, I just shy about like I even ok it is very good.
I feel I like.
OK so if he's sermonising you, you know, calculate it, you have to think like obviously you want to maybe go to the restroom afterwards like it's not fully necessary but that's a good idea. And then also it's fully necessary. But you're right, the second after you have sex, I mean run like the wind void that you tii. Yeah there's that. Yeah. But without jobs now we have a place to be after sex. You need to sit there and snuggle while like a fucking like a jelly donut just like out of you on to your nice she or she just you nice in your time is too valuable.
And as you're peeing like obviously if you were with someone that you trusted and you let them simonize you, then that would come out too. So I'm saying is the strings are experiencing all of that.
And over time for me, I felt like they were coated in crystallized in someone who I wasn't compatible with.
And therefore, I believe sometimes someone's who you're not compatible with. I think sometimes there just can curdle in your.
I'm just trying to find the right, just the idea, because over the years, I just felt that this was collecting on the street tainted string.
It was like watching that man right out of my hair. I was watching it just right off my street. Right. So you were carrying the charges of past lovers around, like you, you know, like a little bit.
And then back then you look up. Then I also was dealing with face stuff like my face was breaking out.
And I thought maybe it is because it felt like maybe it cleared up my face initially and in college, because I think a lot of people think birth control clears up your face hormone because you I mean, I guess the one that I'm on, you don't really have your period, so you don't get the hormonal acne. I used to get hormonal acne along my jawline. And now that I kind of skip. You're on the marina. Marina Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Because I've had such bad migraines, I having periods like I get such I would say, see, here's the thing.
I'd consider going back. But then like I said, I recently found I was bike by hand or whatever. Before that I had a different gyno back home and didn't say that I had Ohio.
Yes. That my uterus was tilted. That was one of my earlier jokes, like. So even my uterus is like, yeah, yeah. So it's like lean back. I was told it was tilted that I'm told it's by horn.
I'm over here just like tilted uterus. Doesn't it feel that feels like science that expired.
Yeah. That feels like it was a thing. It was. And it's, we were wrong I guess.
How would she even know if it wasn't an ultrasound or something if she's doing well, your body.
What if you're just. Yeah. Maybe you're not bending over enough.
Why is my uterus broken. Because your come to me have a bad back. Yeah.
Like I don't tilted uterus feels a little bit like a just does a scam. It feels like a scam.
It just feels like there's nothing wrong. And I need to give you a fake problem. Yeah.
Oh so then I did get it yanked one time. So on the second one I had it for five years. Get, get, get it yanked. Going to get the new one. It goes in truly the worst way to describe what she says.
Woops I didn't do it right. Yank's the second one out here we go for a third one in. So I was in there just getting plunged in. What I mean.
Wait, wait, wait. You've said Courtauld. You said plunging back, going to.
How do we find synonyms that make this the removal was done. The insertion.
Wait, I'm confused. She pulled the vote. So first year is done.
Those years have passed and I got a lot done.
And then you mean that IUD was put to good use? Yes. OK, yeah, I was just covered in some come.
I always say it was the number one birth rate, when I have a joke about it, I can't remember something like the number one birth control player of the year. I forget fair, something like this.
And so then I get it removed. Removed. I'm getting ready for my new one. Yeah. She goes to put it in, says something like Woop. Sorry that didn't go in great. Or something. And maybe didn't far enough or, I don't know, removes it Yanks and has to do the new one because of your tilted us Utor I guess. I don't know. That was maybe who knows for that. It got still in. No, that's been taken out.
So then I got that removed because I was worried about my face.
About breaking out. Yeah. What's your skin. What do you do to your skin? Because it's very good.
I'm breaking it, OK. I mean, I mean you're the one who we're all always breaking and that's just given this is that population right now, everyone's always breaking out and especially around the mouth. For me, I'm breaking out so much because of no one being on my phone all the time because we're never in person. When you hold your phone, your your phone is just covered. It is a petri dish of funk and then the masks wearing masks outside.
I'm so broken out. Yeah, this is. Yeah. So now I do. What do I do. Purpose face wash. Try to knowing what spot treatment I like. What the doctor. You recommended me gave it to me. OK, it's retinoids.
OK. Got it. Yeah. So but it's not on each set. It is. Or is it. I could do a thin layer if I wanted everywhere because it actually supposed help with wrinkles or something but these aren't going anywhere.
So I think like there's, I just do spot treatment on it. Yeah. And then I do my sisters.
So beauty counter that I love their eyeshadows. Yeah. I, I'm using. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. So my sister sells beauty. I use, I pick and choose like a cherry pick what I like.
But I so I use there that is a when I was breaking out a lot, there is a product called Arkana. Ah.
Oh. You might have told me about that and now I need to definitely get it. It was like overnight cleared up breakouts. It's prescription but it really it when I break out around my face I use that for a while and it really worked.
OK, you know. Yeah.
The trend like seems to be working pretty.
No one else really worked for me so. Yeah. What we're no I don't like guys come on my face. I mean I feel like I've done it. Just give it a whirl.
I'm just like I'm good.
I had the surgery, almost killed him out but I, I've definitely gotten accidentally just in the eye and it stings really bad the way the one comment I don't know you I, I go to a pharmacy at like two in the morning and get fucking Visine because I fucking come in my I come in the I know, I don't understand.
Also a couple of things. Number one, I don't need you to come home if you need that. Right, fine. I just I'm past the point where I can walk to the bathroom with my head back because I'm trying to not you know what I mean? I have things I care about now. And I have a home. When I had a shitty apartment, I was fine. But I just like I value my sheets too much and no, too.
I was just talking to a guy that I was hooking up with about this. I was like, if you want to come on my face, that's fine. But you are running the risk.
If you mess, you look like such a pussy and you do not get any tickets or a prize, you just like if you better fucking stick the landing, because if you miss and it's like in my hair and I'm like, you're just going to look like an idiot. It is just so interested. Like you better slam dunk that shit because I will lose respect for you if it's a bad like weird splatter. And also it better be it better be a lot than I like.
I don't want to be measuring how much cum came out because then I'm like, why is it like are you jerking off in the morning? Then I'll start doing math on your siemen.
This is all true. Is this weird? No, I mean, I like that you're being open about it.
It's not like weird is I'm just saying like dullards very, you know. Right. Incise. Yeah, but I just maybe like Osity is in there like an old wives tale and talk. Isn't there an old wives tale. This might be true that I remember seeing this like on VH one or something like a musician's wife was saying they always made their man like pull out when they came home to make sure they weren't cheating, to see how much come they had.
But oh, that's fine. I thought so. I gave it all for me.
No, whether it's true or not, if I see you're not a lot, I'm like, did you just jerk off? Like, that is very interesting. I know. Also age sometimes and prosti. Yeah. Makes a difference. Oh does it. Yeah. Age and prostate. Yeah. It's also like. I understand the allure, of course, allow them to come in your face, but like the second it's over, it's just like it's such was it that how can it be that great?
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No good for you.
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What's the female equivalent of a guy coming on a girl's face? What's the female equivalent?
I'm going to guess him having a house like what feels as good to a woman as it is for a man to come on our faces.
So he's like, then what would it be for her? I mean, you can sit on his face, I mean, we can sit on their faces. I do. I don't like it makes him feel self-conscious because then your nose is in my butthole.
Well, oh, if you're facing their knees, OK, your nose is if you're making it to the top to sit on their face, I have never sat on a guy's face. I have.
But how do you know how low to go? How do you know? But then aren't you engaging your glutes? Aren't you having to exercise by holding it? Isn't that like a plank position? No.
Where you going? But I'm just saying. But you guys, this is wild. It's just like, oh wow.
This is right here. Oh, wow.
Wait, this is crazy. This is blowing my mind. You have his hands on your butt or something. I hold on the get. Why is it getting up so sad. You managed to make that like Super Bozz. Wait, I didn't realize what she did is her knees went out so much that they like. Maybe I'm I'm not really saying everyone's. You're very flexible first of all, because I would have to just like surfboard.
I would use yoga. I would have to yeah.
I would have to literally have something to hold onto and I'd have to use my muscles to squat or like like like oh you can also do me you know what you just did when you said the word, when you said this like used to be kind of loud and stuff in bed.
Yeah. My, my thing of that in that same realm would have been on top like this instead of just like kind of normal.
Yeah. I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say. I'm just saying like that would have been my that thing like feel like this like. But if she was enjoying being on top with like balancing leapfrog in her ankle, which by the way, it's also like I can be on top of you and you can fuck from underneath, that's just still what I would do if I'm on top. I'm just like you can.
Yeah. Do I mean, I'm not in your Lamai. Yeah.
Like I'm just saying fully writing a script and trying to pay for this and that. I don't, I don't know. I guess I sitting on a guy's face, I'm, I'm, I, I've talked about this for I don't going down. I've never been like that was the most amazing. I'd rather have sex. Sure. You know, I think you go home and I masturbate definitely foreplay for me.
Like I was like, but when you know it's over, when you know it's done, what are you like? OK, I'm going to dismount you. I mean, this is like so I'm sharing like a lot of chatter and this is fun.
And also we're still like an hour ago going like, are we friends?
Don't really friends so that we went from zero to 60. Well, what if we just never talk again?
What if I sit on your face?
I can go either way. So OK or no.
I also like this is coming to my mind because it bothers me. It's like I am really tired of it. We're doing it. But I am so tired of people doing female comics talking about sex. It really bothers me. It's like the same age old bullshit of like, are women funny? I'm like, I think it's just continuing because you keep saying, what is it we want to talk about? Like airline food. Yeah, well also we're definitely helping you.
Yeah. Some better. Yeah. Yes. This is a class. Yeah. For you or even. I don't hear that. I don't really hear that.
Like if I want to hear it I, well I, I heard it so much that when I first started other female comics say that it's like hater like comics.
I when I first started I remember thinking to myself, I want to talk about sex like I want to play into that stereotype.
Yeah, that was long ago and that long. But yeah. And so it took actually I'm not kidding like a lot for me to get over it and put a decent amount of it in the special.
I was like, I'm a grown woman. Yeah. Let's talk about what I want. Yeah. But I did kind of avoid it in some ways.
Oh please talk about politics. I love that. I know they don't want to to really like. Yeah. It's just yeah there's if you fuck with me you fuck with me and I can talk about anything and if you don't I mean.
Yeah but for, for me going down is for sure. Like foreplay like that's to me a must. But how do you really. Yeah.
Like if we're making out I like going down on someone and I to me it's like a sign of like compatibility and like you want to please them and yeah. Yeah. To me it's like, it's definitely foreplay going down on maybe each other and then having sex and then how do you get there.
You say I'm saying how do you know how to when it's done or whatever. Yeah. Like if you're like say things like sorry. I mean I'm just going to tell you this thing you're like you can say things like talking during sex. Oh my God.
I talk literally every other second of the day.
That is only time I shut my mouth put on.
Are you not like, hold on, I'll make some noises, but I'm gonna get what you want by not really saying much.
Oh, you know. Yeah, I'll roll over all lean into it or lean. I'm not even like that feels so good.
And there you go. OK, I'm weirdly, like, shy about them.
OK, I feel like I'll say like curse words, but he's like like fucking well, you know, like, damn, yeah, damn it. Yeah. It's like, do you swear to God damn it. He's like, are you angry with me. I know. For fuck's sake. Yeah.
I don't I kind of like need to focus, OK, because if I start like trying or forcing myself to like I really have to look if you don't want to say anything it doesn't come naturally, then you absolutely shouldn't.
I realized it took me so long to have an orgasm because I hold my breath like I have to say, relax, you really enjoy it.
And it's really hard. I have to really focus to be able to breathe.
I've had for me it's more of like a tenseness in a clenching and it could just kegl not even really with that. I mean, definitely, yes, I do that.
But I'm talking more like what you mean. Yes, I'm sorry. Definitely yes I do that. Like you'll do Cagle's during sex. Yeah. Like the whole time throughout sex. Yeah.
So you're talking, you're doing Cagle's, you're sitting on someone's pitching a show on his crimes. And this is a wild amount of multitasking. Really. I can't do one of these things because I can do a quick turn second like. Yeah but I'm also like but to me how I forget it feels good. Like obviously again I'm in control of your body like I was riding. I guess it's like you just I definitely like you like a game plan.
You go in with like a list of things you want to accomplish.
Yeah. But they all seem to typically happen in a good exchange.
Yeah. You know. Yeah. Like I seem to and I don't. Yeah. I don't know.
You like take charge of your pleasure. Yes. Yeah.
And, but they're, let's let it also be known that there are absolutely times where even if I've slept with someone and I and it maybe it's been a while and I go back or something, there have been times where like, like I do like connection and I kind of need that.
Like I do want to care about the person. Yeah. I contact. I can't have sex with like strangers. Yes. I'm like, oh my God. I need no I need to know about your childhood trauma before I am.
Yeah I agree 100 percent. Yeah. In fact you could argue that's why I keep fishing in the same pond because I like I know what kind of crazy you are and I can find you again.
And I want when I want to fix you through our sex, I want to heal invisible wounds through my love. Like I have to know what I'm fucking for. I have to know what void I feel like. I need some kind of emotional, like, entrenchment, you know? I mean, I needed to be like, we're just against the world. I need some codependent motivation, OK?
You know, I'm trying to think like or just alcohol. Yeah.
But I have also, like I said, but I've gone back with me. I did feel that kind of connection and know. Yeah. And have it not click. Yes. No.
If you don't have that emotional connection, I feel so powerful then I've gotten it back with them even casually. Yeah. Something like this. But because we talked about it. Yeah.
So you downloaded one part.
So to me I like being communicative again though there are times where I mean I like in my mind because like you're saying and you take charge of it and I would like to. Yeah.
Like I'm not dominating or anything but I, I know it makes me feel good to go for that. But I also want to know, guys, you care about them feeling good. I'm not someone who's like, get mine and leave. Yeah. Yeah. I enjoyed the exchange. Yeah. In the connection. Yeah.
But there are times when I'm bummed and disappointed and I wish I'd been more vocal or said this isn't working or said like can you please this or there have been Taffer because I did and I didn't reach climax or something.
Do you do like reach climax. You expect to have a climax every time you have sex.
Oh yeah. Yeah. And I'm bummed if I don't. This is a while. This is feminism. Got a muck. OK, now we're just pushing it. OK, now I feel like women. I've just got to for that. I came from the twenty two year old every time, every time I would like to. Yeah. OK, yeah, and if I don't, I'm like a little bump. Good for you, and I'm happy.
If I don't, I want the guy I want to be able to have known that and him know that and him take care of it. I think there's because there's something hot about I think there is something this says so much about myself, depravation and masochistic instincts. There's something hot about not having an orgasm.
No, I know there's a big something about a guy just like using you and just like lying and just not and I don't want to judge you, but I don't I want more for you.
I also like a gun in my head.
And but I also think there's something and I think this is with you sneaky. But I think there's something hot about not having an orgasm in them having it and then them being like, OK, now I'm going to make you come, but it's OK.
And you can reach climax with. I usually have to just handle it, ok. Yeah.
But like I'll kiss you or something like let me go pee first. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Or like you sit in their lap or something. Sure.
OK, I mean I don't I'd like to know more about that and then I guess that's on the baby's uncle, on their nipple.
He puts on the bib and the bonnet and he takes off his diaper, puts it on you.
And then I take him to school the next morning. But yeah, I.
Oh my gosh. And also, it really is a must for him to be open and willing to go down on you even if you are menstruating.
Oh, they're I don't think people ok that's your wild's OK eating. That must be so hot to do a photo of me in my home with three lines of blood on my face. You can take our life every day by the way.
Also I changed my mind on the narcissist you dated the guy who was like, no, I'm not going to eat your pussy blood. I actually think you might be the narcissist. And maybe this is like such a narcissist shimoni my pussy. But let me sit on his face when I'm emerging. Black clot's like Jesus, OK?
I think you just had strong boundaries. I don't know. I think it's because I came from someone so down for anything like.
Yeah, I mean, that's I'm not absolutely respect someone's boundaries.
They said, look, I'm so sorry, but I just don't know. I haven't had my period in surely fifteen years. So I, I that would when guys are not into having sex in there that is so wack and also is when it feels the best it feels. So a lot of guys don't know that it's lovely. Yeah. Yeah.
And you're actually kind of like hornier and stuff like it's the best. I just think it's great. And say he had like a strong aversion like you're saying to this, but let's be real.
Going back to our anatomy left, by the way, what's your other options. Fucking pee. Right? He was like he was there. There's not blood is a step up from what was there before. Yes. But, you know, you have your vagina here, the blood.
What am I trying to say here? So whatever.
Here's the vagina. Maybe. I don't know.
So maybe this is the OK.
Toaster's are just coiled up in my Merche.
OK, it's downstairs. Yeah.
OK, whatever. Here's the hole or something. And have your vagina. Here's the hole. Yeah. But here's your clit. There's something. So this.
I understand you're the doctor. You're looking here. I learned last week with Olivia Munn or two weeks ago that my vagina is like really far by such that I was laughing. So I'm trying to just we learned from Jonas way back there is getting left behind quite often. It's really quite sad.
But here's your, you know, hole hole. And here's got it. So, like, you're bleeding out of here and ideally, you've kind of like if you want to have sex in your period and you're cool, then you talked about it, then you kind of like, again, prepared yourself. But you took a shower, maybe you had a tampon in all day and then took a shower, which ceases. You're bleeding like fractional.
I love using tampons, I think, by the way, and got life hack. Well, that's interesting. Yeah, I feel that I had a guy tell me that if I your period goes faster, if you put in a tampon and sit in the bathtub. Really, and then pull it out and do it a couple of times. Oh that's right.
Now. Yep. I mean, he's not wrong. I also think you can do that, like if you're not afraid to touch yourself and know your body and reach in there and feel what's happening and you can shower before and feel and say, am I bleeding a lot? Is there like going up there to take a shower, clean yourself and be like, yeah, you can make it not a massacre, only you can be used to have this joke that probably is now problematic.
Does Doug this of me we go, I don't mind having sex with girls on her period. I just pretend like I'm killing her.
Like that was funny in the earlier. We got to make jokes like that. Yeah. It's like, it's just I think. Licking the blood, that's all I'm saying, you're stimulating the U.S. down there. Interesting. Yeah, technically not taste blood, unless that's that's my main message here. Interesting. Guys, unless you have a long beard out.
Yeah. Then you're just dipping it in a bowl of blood coming out and painting his name on your belly. Roger was here it is. Roger. I don't know. I've never known Roger.
Have you? Actor, but that's it, huh? He's from Mazarin Roger Paid actor.
Oh, I'm sorry, I've never known. I don't think I know Roger from Brent. Oh, I know Roger. Call me. I'm Roger.
That's all I know.
There was a guy named Roger was a teacher. I had Roger. Now that I'm thinking about it. Really.
Anyway, sorry, I feel like Roger's are sketchy to my right name.
Roger, that's not a criminal. Exactly right. All in jail. That's why we've never met them. Resuming the name Roger is just not. See you later, Roger. What's the girl aquiver like? Greta.
I like Greta is is Ritas our. I just want with we always are colorful raita.
Like I do know any Rita that's just like boring. What's the famous comic. Redner. Thank you. And pass the test, thank you. I don't hate women. I love you. I really could know Rita Rudner. Rita, what's the other one? Renai I don't know any like children. René's are usually like dancing on the bar, like reneg, get down.
I'm thinking of the ones I know. And René's they're kind of tired. How your name like. Like, you wouldn't name your kid, Renee, obviously you wouldn't there's people there's names that you imagine a baby named Renee, maybe Renee, like a girl named Renee. Yeah, like I know some René's and I know what my kid's name is going to be. Really, girl. Can you tell me, Dixy? Really, I like that. It's like I just love that.
I mean, you know, I don't want to ruin anything for you, but I like Rocky. Two dicks is in their dicks. Cumming's ok. Yeah. Now you're making me.
I just want to protect you and your future child for Dixie Cumming's. Is that kid going to get bullied.
It's potentially it's rife with potential material for her to get harassed at school.
If there is a school you just stole my child to school you might be home for a while. So I'll be the one you're going to have to do this. So I need a good job. My child builds character.
Nobody stop me and my daughter's name become your middle name is. Her middle name is. Just drink your best. This is going to be on the internet forever. She's getting bullied one way or another. Do you want games?
I had some games with like a partner of the past and I saw that. Can I say. Yeah, we always talked about calling our daughter Pearl.
Love it. Love it. Yeah. It's so weird because I want to name a horse Pearl, but I want to save it for right. And the other one love Ruby was I like Ruby love you.
Always liked Ruby. Yeah. Love and Pearl is fucking great. And then the last one is, is actually Goldie.
We love Goldie. We have baldies. Yes. I love Goldie. I know a couple goldies now. Yeah.
Kind of. I respect the choice. I like Norah a lot from A Doll's House. I've always loved that name. I like Tess and Tessa. I know some Tessa and I just like all the tests as I know we're just like bad bitches that like to get it done. And it's not too masculine and feminine. It's just kind of like tests. Like I'm like when she calls me Bessus, when a test emails me, I'm like, got it.
Yeah. Thank you for per your last email. Let's go bitch. Like horses are just like in order. Yeah. You see that like a state name.
I like a Dakota I like kind of strip right now but I like a Georgia I like we had a Georgia on the block growing up that we really like Georgia and Franklin. Yeah. Franklin the daughters were Georgia and Franklin.
Franki for a girl like a test.
Yeah I have a dog named Frankie so it'd probably just make me hate the child because my dog might be dead by the.
Oh God. So took a turn. I want to be right. It really did. What about a boy named Boy Names? I've just I'm just banking on not having one.
I feel like I'm going to go full Pat. Huh. I really want to go. Lynne My dad's middle name was Len.
I don't have any boy name. I don't know whether this really is CROSSFIRE. You're all so sexist.
Sorry, I do. Well, they're also trying to I like a Jackson and I like a James, OK? I like a Jack anything. That's the alcohol my mom drank growing up. Jack Daniels, Jamison, Sam Adams.
Sam Adams coming. Yes. In honor of my mother. Like I like I like a Henry. I like like Henry. I like Harold. Like I like old timey names.
Badger except Roger. I'm trying to think of my like my my nephews names. I mean, I know them all, but like if Yeah.
I like them. Read is read. I like, I like read was like a couple guys that were like mean to me.
They were named like read. Yeah. My best friend's older brother was read and I always liked him and he was good. Yeah. Yeah.
I like Hunter. I like all those names. I like the boy. Kelly, we have a boy. I love Kelly. I got him carry. Yeah.
I wouldn't do that from that wouldn't be my it left a mark to me.
Left a big man. I like a mason. I love a mason.
I love it George. I love it. I've a nephew named George and it is so fucking his ten year old George. It's so badass and he's so confident like George. We think his name gave him like a stature and a status.
I like George. Yeah.
It's just it's fun for George is kind of fun and the youth.
I love a status. See, I love Sherwood. I am not on board with that. Oh sure. Why not. Sherwood Forest. Yes, I grew up with Sherwood Forest. So I can I just like I like like a big name like that. Yeah. Oh we did have a boy named Knox KMOX Knox.
I like Knoxville, Johnny Knoxville Knox forever. Knox is so good.
That would be my number one Boigny.
We Knox I think you wanted to name this one named one of kids Tennessee. I like that.
I love Nasch Nashville like Nash Nash like I'd like for some reason girls are states and American boys. Cities, America's America's trying to think of what it wanted to name really intense. Want the name of that, the boy who I might have had a pearl with?
Oh, yeah. You lost me on that. America's. Yeah. Oh, is it Will Ferrell's kid's name? That reminds me Magnis love.
I love of Bruno. I love them, Magnis. I love like about Teto big name Titos. Titos the. I just think that's America. That's the only problem.
I think the vodka I think Charlie always love it for love Charlie. I like a Charles for a boy and Charlie for a girl. Charles for a Charlie is a little like Charlie. Charlie it's a little like strip Charlie.
That's from them all dogs go to heaven with the little wiener dogs like Charlie.
I just feel like Charlie's male Charlie's have to have like polio, you know what I mean?
Like Charlie, like the chocolate factory. I okay. I'm thinking of like a sick like all over.
Yeah. Speaking of love, Oliver, but I feel like everyone's doing that's a lot of Oliver's now. So Olivia's in Oliver's apparently like the schoolyards. Remember. Those are all Oliver.
I like Olivia some people in my life, but I don't like I don't I wouldn't name my kid Olivia Olivia.
But yeah, I love this. This is my dream come true. To talk about names and the conversation that goes absolutely nowhere like this is the most useless conversation.
You say. Well, and everyone that listens podcast. We've mentioned all of their names and we've alienated at least half the audience that it's like that's my name, it's my kids name and feelings we heard about.
Your name is heard so many people's feelings for no reason. Names are very sensitive names and horoscopes are very sensitive. It's true.
Isn't it weird how names there's people I grew up with that I wouldn't name my kid because that name reminds me of them.
So also there is people who have the same name are kind of similar. You think kind of what's another guy back that I'm like, Beth's my best.
I mean, I don't know her though. She's fucking delightful like you.
You're both delightful and honest and friends with me. OK, I'm and I don't I don't have any bad associations with that. OK, Anthony, I had a who was one of my best friends in Virginia. I like any shitty bath. That's good.
I don't know any shitty baths. Hell yes. You hear that Beth's out there. I know some like shitty I know some like amazing Veronicas and like some shitty. Veronica's pretty sweaty this one. Yeah. I'm swampy. I'm not hot in here though. But this armpits wet. OK, sorry.
OK, I'm fine. Yeah. No I know I'm not, I wasn't planning on ending the. No we can't see it. I know. Oh you're worried that.
No we just like when I was always that way.
Yeah. I used to actually use these though. I remember you talking about I used to have like I know that. So you do that. I know who you are and you a lot about you.
I just didn't think you wanted to do that. You want to be my friend and I thought you were too cool for me. The girl meets the club. I know. I thought I was too mainstream for you to chat, but we've been here for three and a half.
I really have to know. We know we have to end this, but I do.
I've never looked my lips this much. Your middle name? Duvel. It's my mom's maiden name, I really put my ring. What's happening? Are you did you do the thing where you try to scrape the Smeg off your lip?
Yeah. What was that? What is that? I do this because in the corner I am worried that I wait here.
I noticed that I had toothpaste right here.
I'm always afraid that I'm going to have that, like, crust on my lotame. And so I have to like, do this. I hope I don't. It's really hard to get off. I'll fix it in post.
OK, we clean this up in my face.
Yeah. No, I feel like that. And then I do what I always think that my eyeliner is running for the mascara.
Because I can actually cry without anyone knowing. Really. Yes.
I can cry while like having a conversation with you. Where are the tears. You'll never know. They just like reabsorbed into my skin.
Did I make you cry. No, I haven't.
Actually I didn't cry in this at all. Yeah. Yeah. I puked a couple of times and swelled up like that. Do you have any questions for me?
Wow, I mean, I wasn't prepared for this. That's just such a funny way to sort of funny, funny guys that people ought to be like.
So what do you want to I. What would you like to know? Yeah, you make the guest, the host.
Have you anything I wanted to ask. Oh, I always ask red flags, any red flags just to throw out. And then what do you mean.
Like if I see them in somebody like we just like like to pass on our good for you guys. Like just red flags that you've seen that we can pass on to people like too many selfies on their grid, hates their mom, talk shit about their exes. All of those. All of those. Yeah. Like do you have any ones that you can pass on to the listeners so that they can avoid a tricky relationship?
Oh, it's a hard one. Yeah it is. Doesn't eat your blood. Yeah. This is a huge red flag, blood red like. Oh I was, I can't.
I had it. Yeah. Lost it. I have like wears too many necklaces.
Oh I am a guy that wears like a bracelet and a necklace.
It's a little much, it's more like don't wear two necklaces if you haven't bought me any, has more jewelry for himself than he's bought as a gift for me. It's true. I mean, gosh, I'm really sure little ones like little lag.
So how about Red Flag turns their phone over at dinner. Oh yeah.
Why can't you turn your phone face up. Why? What are you worried about. Yeah. A seventeen digit password. What do we do. Yeah. Like like cups. The screen of their phone while they're talking just moves it away from you. It's like what are you doing. Yeah. Don't worry. It was plugged into the car and get a text and they unplug it. I mean that's just like, that's not even a red flag. That's just something that happens.
Yeah. That's just get out of the car. Yeah.
You better not talk to them. It's like if I'm asking you and. Well and then gaslighting what I want to say. What do you mean. I'm just I'm my phone. What do you why are you freaking out. It's like, you know, that was weird like and then you're like was it. It wasn't you did it.
It's how you did it, you know. You know, you're texting with some girl and trying to hide it. You know, you programmed her in as another name.
Be honest. Yeah. Yeah. Who's Derek. You know, you program some girl named me in as Derek. Derek. When are I going to be Derek. Let's go see. Meet him right now. Take me to do you take me to Derek's out. OK. OK.
Like anything in the house like like I had one. I opened a drawer once and found concealer and I was like oh shit. Whose is this. What girl's been staying here. And he was like, that's mine. I know someone that like I feel like if you have concealer left over from an ex that you're using to cover zits and undera stuff, if you're a guy, I'm fine with graduation that having the same skin tone because I'm not the type you are.
That's a true nasya, someone who only did people with the same skin tone. Exactly. Yeah. Like, I just was like and I was like, oh, don't be judgmental. It was just he ended up being very vain and self obsessed. Yeah. That kind of just told me that, gosh, I'm really wishing I had more inflexibly.
Part of me doesn't want to be brutal. Right. You know what? I feel like watching, but I feel like you have 70 special. I feel like every thing you talk about your special is going to end up being a red flag day.
Go ahead. You have it. Hey, Bob. Max, when it's probably it's going to come out a couple days after this podcast coming out. So just subscribe to HBO. Max, watch it. Local girl. Daddy, girls, daddy. What it was like. Girl, girl, daddy. Jesus Christ. They had that wild juxtaposition of words in a way that's like a little less upsetting.
And on Instagram, Twitter at Beth Stelling Dot, whatever you want, you I and these very awkwardly don't ride elephants do all the things you're supposed to do.
Don't embarrass yourself or me, OK?
No, I'm just like do all the you know what to do. And if you haven't done it by now, you don't want to and that's fine.
And I'll be ok I.