Transcribe your podcast

So, Emily, this is your first time being.


I didn't know I was on you guys sorry, per CDC guidelines, we could not have another person here today.


So Emily is just going to do this little open with me also.


Maybe I'm good at it. We don't know. Whoa.


I mean, I'm not good at this and I've been doing it for a year now. So if I could do it, you know, that's my my life motto. Whitney. You can do it. I can do it. I should.


I mean, look, that's the bar. Fair enough. We are going to just tell you guys a couple of announcements before we get to Chelsea Lynne, who is coming up. I know you guys wanted us to start describing who the guest is, and I'm Googling her to get an official bio because I know I'm just a fan of her. I think she's like the funniest person on Instagram.


Chelsea e l. S I you're not going to find her right away. Yeah, right.


It's see what I say. Yes, you said it as well. You know, I didn't mean that.


You know, that was right. We all know that was a verbal typo. Yeah, right. Right.


I do find that I'm learning from texting like verbal typos because I'll see things written that's called misspeaking.


No, I think what you're doing is calling being called being out of line right now.


Yes, this is it about the line I got to go tell Pendent.


Oh, he knows. He knows. It's Chelsea.


Lindsy HPLC. She is so funny. Oh, my God. A dream. She's a dream. And like she's like the dream guest because she's so, so funny in what she does online. And then when she came on she was so, so funny. But also like real and present and not like. Oh yeah. Someone I couldn't like relate, you know what I mean. Like she's just like such a whole. And this is her trailer trash.


Tammy. Hold on.


She does this recently and regret not being with someone so hilarious.


And so this is has any guy ever you. Yeah. My dreams ask how do you make this play on a microphone here with.


They're not something that they just give me either hands. So this is what I mean, I just I could watch it all day, you guys.


Larry, you have to watch it because it's also the stuff she's doing between talking is like her character.


She has her character and then she has herself, which is as fun equally if she does a sketch.


It's just like, you know what it is. It's just like comedy has become such careful comedy. And like everyone that made it from traditional media, like is now scared of getting canceled. But the people that are like real comics that are on the Internet, they don't have those fears. They're like Hollywood. You didn't fucking get it when I came around the first time. And even if I did work with you, I'd have to, you know, bowl drives everything I do.


I have to be inauthentic, which I did, you know, and they're just like, fuck it.


So I just feel like some of the most fun shit is just like on. And she's doing it for herself.


Other people enjoy it. It's a win win. Oh, God, I'm just obsessed her and like a deeply nice person. Oh, so great.


And so she is on trailer trash. Tammy, look up her clips. Don't be mad at me that you're like, I don't know who it is. Google it. I don't know the names on the podcast. Google it and then you're welcome.


In the amount of time that you Google it, you know, same amount of time that if you text me and ask me to tell you in the D.M., you could have Googled it, you could have Googled it. And Google will actually give you a response. Oh, yeah. Because I'm not going to Google sees it and they know about duck, duck, go.


No, no, no, it's. It's a website that's like Google, but it doesn't because Google is apparently hiding searches, are they? Or people know they can pay to get searches. Higher up, higher up.


It's not like I got to sound like these, like all the comedians that are like we're being shot band and silence. No, they're not. There's not like a person at YouTube. Like, how do I thought this comedian's career that I've never heard of. So it's not malicious. But there I think there are like companies you can algorithms, the algorithms and you can pay. They're called, I believe, spider programs to you. Yeah. I've had to go through this where you just try to get something deeper in Google.


So by the time so because the third page, like, I'm not going to go to the fourth. Right. But the fourth has manhood's oh sayama. But if you don't go there see. Right. You should have told them. Now I got to go to the phone. Please do it.


I need to get trending. But I lost my job already. Me too.


And for we both had Cofan literally my job to keep you on track way. We both had covid. Now I'm leaving. Any mistake I make on Koban.


There's a certain point where I'm not going to be able to use that excuse. No, you can't, because yours was pretty bad.


I'm out of the window, but everything I do that fucks up. I'm like, sorry, Whitney covid brain. You got it. I know it. Really. Right. Then I'm like, take a day. Take two days off. You know what? You need a vacation.


I'm so sympathetic after having had it. But there I definitely like there's an expiration date on it. I definitely am back. Like three days ago I felt like we were what you were saying.


What is you said duck. Duck, goose.


Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So.


Oh yeah. The duck duck go. It's apparently a search engine where I don't know you get different results and duck duck go.


Let's give Google a run for there. Yeah they it's a I don't know should be inductor go is an Internet search engine that emphasizes protecting searches, privacy.


That's the other thing. No cookies.


So if you want to Google something sketchy like how do I kill my husband, are both.


Doug distinguishes itself from other search engines by not profiling its users and by showing all users the same search results for a given I term.


I bet people don't know that Google doesn't already do that. I mean, I did not know that until real time.


Right now the headquarters are in Palely Pennsylvania, which is that's the Palo Alto of California. I don't know why that's throwing me so much, but I should not be talking about Doctor Go. I should be talking about tour dates which are not getting canceled. As of now. I have not been talking about tour dates because for last year they've been moving. And I just feel like it's annoying to the people that are buying tickets. And I just don't want to keep announcing stuff if I feel like it's going to move.


Wise guys, Salt Lake City, why does this come out next Wednesday?


Wednesday. So this comes out Wednesday.


So tomorrow. Tomorrow I'm in Salt Lake City, Utah. The wise guy is comin February. Twenty fifth to twenty seven. It's distanced. I think it's only fifty people at a time. It's awesome. It's a whole thing. You are going to have to I think at temperature. I don't know. You go to the website. I didn't it's not I didn't cause the pan dymaxion. Right. Don't be mad at me.


I'm trying to get there March 6th in California, Irvine, California, because Irvine doesn't give a shit.


That's where we did your first special with me when I was your assistant is the central Comedy Central special I Love You in Irvine. Where was that?


I blacked it out. It was a it was like, come on, let me call my therapist. I just got a along.


I think it was that it was at a call center. It's like the art center. That's a safe safe guess. So I guess I guess art center. But this is outside in cars. So you guys have to know this. Gavin Newsom never wants us. I don't know how to you know, California's got different rules. I can't control it. This is safe. It's outside. It's distance during cars. That's where we are for now. April 15 to 17, Spokane Comedy Club.


Again, all distance. Those tickets might sell out fast because there's just not that. This is Washington State. Thank you. Huh? Yes, it is Spokane. Is it Spokane? I thought of Spokane. And I also mix up Tacoma and Tacoma.


Yeah, I see Tacoma because there's stuff going on in the middle of the country.


Do you know why? I think it's because of knowing what I did in Idaho to know Neung.


Oh, you got to have you guys so hard. I'm only just made up laugh. You would have questions about legal cannabis in California.


OK, this is taking too long.


It's been so long since I've read today dates. I really like being on the mike. You know what else it is? I feel like I'm.


So this is how it starts. Folks, this is always a quick song to get some bugs. Emily got the bug. Honestly, the U.S. should take over this podcast just by your hair blue and no one will know.


The difference would be like, oh, what? You got a lot of work done. What's new? Just go for it.


I feel like we could probably pull that off for a couple years.


Break a comedy club, May seven to eight, Houston, you know, they're going to be open May 13 to 15. Addison, Dallas made twenty to twenty two. Tempe, four to six. June. Oh, that's my weekend. Oh thank God I'm booked somewhere. Even if it gets canceled, I'll come to Reno.


I don't know. Are these real. These look like fake dates don't. They're real you guys. I'm so distance myself from being a comedian of this are like feeling like it's going to happen.


No, it's going to happen. I'm like half heartedly. I need you out of town. Yeah. We're going to have this happen. And Grace are like, no, it's this isn't Tripp's plan. You've told them all that. I'm like, antibiotics are. All right.


We're actually going to try to keep you in Texas from the 13th through the 22nd. I think just pop over to.


Yeah, yeah. That's what we'll do. I could.


Yeah, that's my. Everyone's moving there. Yeah. All right.


I love you guys. I don't there's more dates for the fall, but let's do that another time and not bore everybody and get to the ha ha.


Let's get to the ha ha to the amazing Chelsea.


Lynn, do you have anything else you'd like to do right now to prove yourself to the fans now?


I feel like I don't love them yet. I like them. I don't know them. Really? Yeah. So you say bye. I love you all. Say bye like you.


But because you know what Trixie did tell me Trixie was like your fans are fucking harsh on you. Yeah.


I mean, I like I read the comments after just like after you introduced me on the pod, like for I don't even remember who was like the first time I talked and people were not kind of like they were like, what's she doing there, who needs her?


And I was like I called my therapist and she was like, you just can't read those. Like, that's a waste of time because I come through like nine hundred comments and then three mentioned me and one of them was mean. So I was like, I can't, I was crying. I love it.


All of them are mean about me. And I'm like, yeah. And I'm like, oh so I like control surged Emily. And then I was like, if I can, if I can do this with all those negative comments and think about just think about like you should look at it the other way you should go. Widdy has nine thousand negative comes. I've won so I could have nine thousand times her career.


All I know is it paralyzed me for like three days and then my therapist it's like well just don't read them.


And also you're not famous but also like, you know what I mean. It's just like, why go out of your way to hurt someone? Because you're in a lot of pain in your life is as Georgia would say if you said this person call me a cunt another, she would go, sounds like he's in a lot of pain.


Oh, see, you point me and said you're in a lot of pain. And I was like, yes, that's true. That is absolutely correct. But I'm saying the kind of person that would go after someone who so clearly has a life in shambles is so mean. All right. But if you want to laugh and not be like me, go to Whitney, Whitney, Cummings, Dotcom and get some tickets to tour.


You know, my website. Yeah, you did. Stenner idea like Whitney Cummings blew me.


I mean, I love you guys. Enjoy Chelsea. I like you guys.


He I'd like to go to Chelsea. I. I'm nervous. How am I nervous?


I'm nervous because you're like you're I'm starstruck by. Yes, I am Chelsea. No way.


I have been living on your videos, on your Instagram videos for years. I, I literally show your videos to people. Guys, I'm dating and if they don't like cry laughing I'm like, this is the flag bounce. He doesn't get me. Yeah. Bounce. I like that. It's just like them. Skinny's.


Yes I'm in, I'm starting off strong.


I you, you help me like overcome jealous instincts because all I do is tell the guys I'm dating to look at your boobs.


I'm always look at her boobs like I'm, they're like why are you showing me someone else's boobs so much. I'm like, oh I'm.


Turns out I'm not you know. Yeah. Oh I like that. Yes, you're the help but you're every guy I'm dating is Hall Hall Pass.


I love it. Yes. How are you feeling. You're nervous.


Not anymore. Just the opening opening of podcasts. It's always just I get nervous I guess are awkward. Yeah. I don't know what it is but once we get rolling I'm good.


It is a weird thing. Yeah.


What we're doing here. Yeah most definitely.


You've done a lot of podcast though. Yeah. You did Theos recently. Yeah I was nervous about that. I love you. Yeah. Oh my God. A legend. Yeah yeah yeah.


But yeah I do some podcast just you know, but it is weird because it's like you know you're doing these hilarious videos, you does amazing like characters and stuff and then it's like now talk for two hours and be boring for two hours.


I never know what I'm supposed to be doing when I show up for a party.


That's what I that's why I like to I like to have a plan. I like to have a meeting, know Auchterarder things out, like, you know what I mean. So when you're in a podcast you're just kind of like, oh my, yes, yes.


And it's covid time. So there's no no one here. It's like awkward yet. We're hanging out. Yep. I just feel like someone needs to I don't know what I'm looking for. Like a trophy for being able to handle how awkward this is. Yeah. I want someone to acknowledge.




Well I'll acknowledge it for this is because people like podcasts are so easy. It's just people hanging out.


It's actually like, it's awkward, it's a lot of pressure, but it's been more awkward for me because as soon as I met you it was I was like, oh this bitch like, oh, I love her, you know what I mean? Like, not, you know. So it's been more awkward to where, like, you meet someone, you're like, yeah, it's because you have to be best friends right away.


But I feel like I feel like I know you already. So it's like different.


I mean, been obsessed with you for this. I've been obsessed with you for so long.


You're like I'm like you're like my Jenna Jamison. I don't know what to say. Like I work with Jenna Jameson on something, OK, not a porn wait.


That's out there that way that came off wrong. We did it.


I shot a pilot and she came in for this, like, fantasy sequence.


And all of the crew, the guys on the crew acting really was their whole teenage years. Were they noted to her they came to this woman? Yeah, I bet that was Robert. That was weird.


Not only was it weird, they thought maybe she would know, like that was the best part about it.


Yeah, that's funny. Jenna Jameson walks on the set. Everyone's like, yeah, like don't make eye contact.


She doesn't know that you jerked off to her furiously and angrily. I bet she kind of does. Well, she I bet she's like, you know, rolling through Whole Foods like and she's like, you're exactly in the back of her mind, dude.


I bet a little bit. No doubt.


I think I would. Jenna Jamison lives just walks through life and is just like. Yep. Hmm. Exactly. Welcome for that assist. Yeah. It's just like the Scottie Pippen is like I think I would be that way.


I'll be like, oh yeah. Mike Yep. Yep. Welcome. You see my brother.


Mhm. But, but everyone was like freaking out and, but she was sort of like, I was like why are you guys acting so weird.


Like you know because celebrities were coming on the set. It was like a different kind of fame.


It was a kind of fame that was like, like you're my secret thing. You're part of like my secret routine at night. You're like that with me.


I like, oh, I show you your videos to people. You're like an inside joke with my people. Oh, God. Thank you.


So it's very weird to to meet you. Dan, thank you. That's a lot. Anyway, so it's been a pleasure talking to you. Yes. So tell me, like, we don't know each other, by the way, also, you guys not live? Not literally. You're not. Are we friends?


I'd say yeah. But we just met. You know, we're best friends that just met. Yeah, but I'm dead serious like I got. That's not weird to me. Yeah.


If you like to me, like in like Instagram friends. Like you're we're friends, you know what I mean. Yes.


Also I think there's a. Where are you from.


From Oklahoma. Where. Vacaville. Vacaville. Graduated with 12 people, nothing. Dirt roads, but we have the world's largest casino, and in the right it was built when I was in high school, 12 people, 12 people.


That's why it seems so large. People come from all over the world world. What's the casino called? Winstar when Star Casino in Star Casino, they have like everyone in the town to work at the casino.


Oh, yeah. Yeah.


Literally literally surrounding towns. Yeah.


Dude, it's weird because they have they have like A-list singers come in saying and I'm and there's nothing there's no restaurants. There's no it's odd. It's odd, but. Yep. Vacaville, Oklahoma.


But that's fascinating. We did when we made the reboot of Roseanne, we gave Becky a job working at a casino. It was it was that is I mean, that's a oh, a big job.


Oh, yeah. In southern Oklahoma, there's two big casinos and that's that's where everyone works. I never worked there. All my family has and does. My sisters did. I worked at Sonic for eight years. How is that. You know what?


OK, I hated it because I hate the heat and I was a carhop and it's so hot and, you know, I hated it.


But the other day randomly I was driving. I thought, damn, I miss working at Sonic.


I missed the switchboard, taking people's orders through the speaker. I loved that shit. If it rang, I'd be the one to run to it and take everybody's orders. And I just I just miss that and that weird. I was like, I miss Sonic dude.


I don't know what what what about like what's the biggest, most annoying thing people do when they order?


Oh, I feel like every time I feel like every time I pull up to a fast food restaurant, I'm like, oh, I'm being so annoying right now. Yeah.


I'm like, oh yeah that what the like that.


And my husband does it. And he worked with me at Sonic so he should know. Yeah.


So when we're ordering oh my God he my blood boil but like literally they'll ring in and it's different if you pull up talking McDonalds where you don't want the ring in. That's different I feel like. But you've been to a sonic haven't. Yes, of course.


You go to a sonic, you push the red button that lets us know you're ready to order. We answer it and then you run over. No, you answer it from inside. Through a speaker, yeah, welcome to Sonic, I take your order. I do, I do. Now you do. I would literally go welcomeness like this. Chelsie, how can I help you? And they'll say, Oh.


And I'm like, bitch, you press the button, you're supposed to be ready and I'm literally like, shit's buzzing, shit's going, you know what I mean?


Like, that's annoying. That is so annoying.


You you you called me over. I'm here. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. We've agreed that you're ready. Yeah. And I know what this business is.


You drove here and I would literally be like, do you need a minute? No, I'm ready.


OK. Oh, that's the most annoying. And I would say the second most annoying is when you take people's orders out and they wouldn't even acknowledge you walk up to the car.


Hi, how are you? Literally. Oh, see, and that happens, I'm the opposite, but is it more annoying because I'm the person that wants to, like, make a best friend?


No, that's great, because I'm like, hi, how are you? How's everything going? Like, I'm like, where you from? Like, I'm the annoying person that holds up the line because I want to say yes to the person at Sonic. No, I remember.


I remember I remember one time walking up to a car and I'm like, hey, how are you doing today? And she goes, Do you really care?


I'll never forget that.


And I was like, That's inventing shit. That's some shit.


Bretton Woods say I was like I was like, you know, I don't know. I guess not, you know. And then one time to this lady's water out, and she was a young girl and I was like, hey, how are you?


Interesting. I'm not too good.


I just found out my best friend killed herself and I literally was like, oh, like what?


Like, what do I do with this? Yeah, I was like, oh, where's your you know, is the can I get another side of kiss. Yeah, exactly. Oh ketchup. Looks like blood. Sorry. It's just splatter some blood on them but I don't know, I kind of miss it in a weird way, you know.


Yeah. Oh do you, are you feeling like getting recognized and being famous. Is that weird too.


Yeah. Yes. Is it not to you. I mean you've been know for a while now but yeah.


In a good way. Not in a bad way. But I'm always shocked, you know, who I am type of thing, you know. And I'm like, what. Yeah. Because I don't I don't know. I thought fame would feel different. I thought, did you think it was OK?


I thought when you're famous, you'll feel famous. No, that makes sense, though.


When you're famous, you feel lonely and sad. Really. Everyone just asks you for money.


Oh, that's starting to happen. People people assume that if someone recognized you on the street, all of a sudden you have a billion dollars. Yes. There's there's nothing you can be famous and broke. Yep. You can. People do not. People do not.


And I used to think that if you're famous, I thought your age, I think you get a dollar for every time someone recognizes you like a hundred dollar bills, just start going up your bank account.


That's not how it works. You can be famous in average. One hundred percent. Yeah.


Most of these jobs out here do not pay that well. Right. Like so real.


A lot of people that are known and it's so interesting and getting famous off the Internet, people come up to you and it's like a hundred percent for my dental surgery. Like, wait, what. I'm trying to make you laugh and now I have to hit your PayPal. Yeah, DM's every day probably.


Someone's asked me for money. Why are they asking you for money all of a sudden. I guess I think because I guess, I think the thing you know, you're famous. You're rich. Yeah. Hopefully one day you know.


But now. But the thing I thought when you're famous you'll feel famous and I don't feel famous, so that's why it's weird.


Infamous more than famous movie goes, I don't know. You know what I mean? Like, do you feel famous?


No, I'm totally dysmorphic about that kind of stuff, really. I have no clue how I'm perceived. Like, yeah, when someone comes up to me and asked me if I'm like, how do you know me? Like, I, I'm I'm rude to them at this point because I'm just so curious. I'm like, why do you know me? Yeah.


And you know, just because it used to be like you're on this TV show, you're on this, you're on this, it's people will find you now and foreigners have read it or whatever, and they discover you in different places now.


And so I'm like, I don't know what version of me, you know. Right. So I don't know how to show up for you. I like that. I don't know what you're a fan of. Yes. Like, are you a fan of me writing about having eating disorders and drug addictions? Are you. Because I have to when someone walks up to me, I have to eat. Or have you just seen me be like funny in a TV show?


Yeah. Or see me on the roasts and just want to like, call me a cunt in the next two hours, like fuck around.


I have to like ascertain from the fan, well how do you know me and how do you want me to show up for you. Oh yeah.


See I know that it's not that way with me at all because like people know me from, you know, one thing, you know, Tammy or whatever Instagram.


But no, it's super weird for me, but I'm like without getting cheesy, I'm like always so thankful every time someone comes up, like, I'm so sorry to bother you.


I'm like, you're not I we live for this. You are not my dream. Yeah. Recognize me. Yeah. Yeah. Like you.


Are you kidding. You're not bothering me like I love it. Like let's take five pictures you know. Yeah. But it's definitely weird for sure. Super weird.


And then let me ask you, what was it before you were making videos, what was your goal in terms of your, like, career goals?


Um, well, OK, growing up, I always want to be on SNL. Yeah. And I recently went through my old yearbooks.


Was there like an SNL sketch that was like, oh God, mine was Landshark Landshark.


There was a Dan Aykroyd doing Landshark. My dad would do it. I like Landshark. Remember that sketch. Yeah, Gilda Radner. It was like there was a time when these sketches were like yeah. In the zeitgeist so deeply that it was inside jokes like with our families.


Yeah. I mean that's what great comedy and great content does. Yeah. It gives you something to laugh about for the rest. An inside joke that goes on and on and on. Oh that's.


I like that. Yeah. And you, you do that with your videos. Yeah. But that's what. Yeah.


Mine was like early twenties, early like late 90s, early 2000s.


The whole cast like Chris Farley. Like that whole. Yeah. Like that was moch. I'm going to be on SNL and I went through my high school yearbooks and I saw I had forgotten about this, you know, it said like where do you want to be in ten years or whatever? And I was like, I'm moving to Hollywood. I'm becoming an A-list high paid comedic actress.


I was like, I can't believe, you know, I don't remember that, you know, but but things like that don't. I thought at the time, this is how things like that don't happen. People like me like that's what I thought.


I got married, still married, the same dude, you know, I was Scott twenty one.


And we got married and moved married at 21. Mm hmm. After being together. How long. Three years. Wow. Yeah.


Wow. Yeah. Yeah. He's still tapping it too.


Yeah. Yeah. I have a lot of questions. We're going to come back. OK, ok. Chelsea Lynn's advice on how to keep a man is coming up. Oh gosh.


To keep a man satisfied. Billy, self care is very important. Health care is very important and not only look, I mean, razors are a nightmare and I shave so fast I refuse to slow down.


Well, that's a great razor is a really I mean, it was slide through the worst of hair.


And I also am going to shave my mustache for you guys right now to show you that.


Look how safe it is. Look at that. Look, I'm not bleeding.


She is. I just shave my face all the time. My chin. Is this not to shave your head? See if it gets to that.


Yeah. Let's see how good this razor really is. Let's go for V for Vendetta. But they don't just have razors. They also have dry shampoo. They have face wipes.


They have these are new, they have little bombs and they just released their three complete clean. Must have products that that's pretty cool.


This is so good. These are wipes. These are vitamin C and how do you it. Hyaluronic acid, hyaluronic chiral hyaluronic. Oh this is good. So can a gentle blend of cleansers that remove makeup. They're really great. While they're erasers, they're really chic off their slogan.


Time to give your lady bod some love. Did you see me every time? Did you see that?


And to express a little love for our show, go to my belly dot com slash Whitney. It's a small way you can support us. wish-List getting the best razor you will have her own. It's just nine dollars to get your starter kit plus free shipping. Always pull that together. Your body's gross. Go to my belly dot com slash Whitney spelled my Billy Bialy dot com slash.


Oh. School loans are refused to pay them. I won't do it and I'm not going to do it, in fact, I refuse to go to school when I was there. So now what are you gonna do?


I'm not going to pay you for something I didn't acquire. Yeah, I'd even go. And that's obviously your fault that I didn't. You should have gave me money when I was 12. I didn't know that. I didn't know how to what to do with that money.


So you told me my loans were going to be so rough later, I would have actually gone to class. I wouldn't want all those concerts, but Ernest can help you with that.


Ernest offers low rates, student loan refinancing. You can also check your rate risk free in just two minutes, but consolidate all your payments together. They have a flexible payment plan. I mean, just you need to sign up for it being overwhelmed by debt.


Yeah, it's like it's just like I mean, we talked about it before, but it's like it really is the kind of thing you have no idea what you're signing up for when you're.


Yeah. College and you want to. So I'll be able to afford this later because you think that everything pays one hundred thousand dollars.


Yeah. And the trick is you'll never be able to afford anything ever. That's right. And that's the real truth. You think you get to keep all the money you make to like when you said yes to this, you're like, oh and do you want to pass away and then leave all your loans to a loved one?


Probably not. Yes.


If that's a possibility. Oh, I know that was an option. Well, not in the sense that an option for some people.




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But what was I saying? Yeah. What was I saying, sort of I just sort of like your oh, yeah, and, you know, things like that, don't you know? So we got married, moved to Dallas. I was working at the mall where things remembered.


Oh, you wonder the things remain. I love that it fucking sucked, I hated it more, that was the weirdest engraving someone ever asked for. Oh, dude, I know, I know exactly. OK, doing things remembered. I'm such an asshole as a kid.


I was like, let's do prank things remembered and do like a prank frame that's like suck my dick. Like people would come in.


But can you like this is inside. I'm like, I'll do anything you want. But one time this couple came in, they're probably in their late 40s and I'll never forget this dude. They came in and they brought in Ernes because you could bring in stuff to and they brought in engrave for themselves.


And his said something like and I, I kept I kept the paper, he wrote this on and I have it somewhere. This is how ridiculous it was. And he wanted me to write something like he was a scholar and a great man.


And he was one just like literally and he wrote that himself to put it out. And I just I'll never forget that. And I put it on there. But yeah.


And that's actually so much more embarrassing than something like super sexual and kinky. Just to be a scholar.


A scholar, huh. A scholar. That's what got me. Says who. I know. That's what I'm saying. What is this call like? What how do you define scholar now.


I don't know who to who decides these things. Like he decided their certificate is there. Who's proof to you? So you can't say scholar. Someone on their Instagram bio calls himself a photographer.


You're like I guess, yeah. Are we all photographers or a scholar? Like what? You've read books. Are we all scholars?


Hold on. I'm dying. I know a scholar. What is a scholar? I don't know how to Google it. I'm a, you know, a scholar. A scholar would know maybe he was a scholar, I think. Is it like an educated person?


What's a scholar that is such a fake job, huh. That's not a real person. And you don't put it on your own.


That's like that's like being a bon vivant, like a bon vivant.


Like, I'm like, how do you. I never heard of that, you know?


I mean, like, it's a word. Yeah, it's that real. Nobody uses it. Nobody uses a scholar or scholar, but nobody uses it. But it's so vague. Nobody challenges it because no one knows why it's wrong.


I hate this shit, this shit that pisses me off. The shit that smart people say to make other smart people think they're stupid. Yep.


Your gaslighting. Me. I'm Skoller. Yeah, I'm school. What's the definition?


That's like this is like when when I learned that guys aren't really allergic to latex, like the time you learn like what it's like in the word right is spelled wrong.


Playwrite wri why is it spelled wrong. Yeah. Why playwrite. You guys are supposed to be smart. You're supposed to know how to play right. Just spell right. Right you are. Why am I the asshole. Because I spelled that wrong.


Yeah. I hate it when words make you the stupid one.


Yeah. Yeah.


Smart word and I don't spell good to begin with. I don't, I'll admit it, I limit it. The auto correct has made it so that I'm truly illiterate. Yeah. Yeah.


Have you tried to write a handwritten card recently. Oh God. My handwriting is Yeah. Scary and I got to think about it, you know.


You know, you got to literally like hold on. Which there do I got to use here.


Why are you, why I'm that person and I are and I'm sorry. What's the difference in there. Oh don't ask me. Do not they're. They are is e y possibly see it, you see it. So this is, by the way, Enuma Fargas comment section. They'll correct you don't let us know. Oh yes, they will let us know.


And I just want to say, I didn't go to one elementary school.


I blame it on that. I went like nine elementary schools and well, my parents were drug addicts. So I think I, I think I just missed that part of learning.


You missed the the the what I'm supposed to know. Conjugation. Yeah. Yep. Semester.


I couldn't tell you what a pronoun is. I couldn't either. OK, good on what. Soprano.


No, no. I know what a noun is.


That's bad is a thing. Yeah. An adjective is. Most of us don't know this. Honestly if you were to really this is I went through this on Roseanne because it makes me crazy when people are like just you know, Roseanne's whole thing is just because we're poor doesn't mean we're stupid. Because the South doesn't mean we're stupid.


Most people do not know. No, this shit. No.


And the people listening back. I do. Well, good for you. Well, OK, you're Googling it and you know. Right. And you're a liar. And how dare you and more.


Ask me a noun, pronoun, adjective is descriptive word, so like she's she a. she's very pretty.


That's an adjective. That's it.


Pretty is the adjective.


Very is the qualifier when our brains are what is a start from and also who gives a fuck. Yes. Thank you. Who gives. Oh my God. Thank you.


I am a professional writer.


I get my checks clear and I put words in documents. Get the fuck out of here. Who pay me to write words they don't care.


I literally. You know what's so funny about this? I'm a professional writer for a living.


I've never gotten a note from an executive saying this is spelled wrong.


If only people on the fucking Internet, you motherfuckers nitty gritty.


I love that. And my sister smart and she'll oh, God, she pisses me off like, dude, I was helping my two nieces live with me eight and ten, and one of them needed help.


And I was something like, oh pronoun OMG, you're going to go ask Beth.


Literally, she can make like you don't know what a pronoun is that pronouns for like transgender pronouns, like pronouns like oh maybe I'm missing a wait wait. No pronouns are part of wait, wait, wait. I don't know. And they're pronouns before there were like pronouns. Right. Right. That's why I'm thinking. Yeah. Oh see I didn't even think so.


Oh see I was just going down. Yeah there is. Yeah. Yeah I was going to the this is how old I am. I was going to pronouns like what a yeah.


OK. Yeah. OK, yeah we're alert. Yeah.


Pronouns used to just be pronouns. Right.


Which I don't know what now. They're like a statement. Yes. Of your identity and you get in trouble if you get it wrong. Yes. OK. Yeah.


Pronouns you. What's a pronoun. OK pronouns used to just be ok I realize.


I don't know now I'm sweating. Yeah. Oh my God. Now so I'm getting canceled. Whatever. I just I'm happy that you were just having a conversation.


My grammar and we just walked into a P.C. nightmare.


Well I'm just happy that you didn't put me down for not knowing grammar and that you, you know, are walking hand in hand with me through this.


It's you know, that's like I'm like, you know, what are we doing? What you fucking dork hall? The hall monitors that need to like police. I you know what?


If I see something that's misspelled or misused, which I don't know anyway, so it's rare that I ever do that.


But if I see something I don't give a fuck, who cares? But by the way, when you misspelled me a text, I know what you were trying to say.


Dira, I did. Don't even know, by the way. But you know what I was saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah. Why do I have to now. Right.


But it's so weird cause I'm like this is ducking stupid. I'm yeah.


You know, you know that was an auto. Correct.


Just be a good person. Yeah. If it's not that hard.


If I said there and I meant there, you know what I mean. Don't be an asshole. Thank you. What are we doing. What. OK, what do you want. A check at the end. Yeah. Oh or a or apostrophe. Oh you better.


You're better than me. Is that what I want me to say. OK, I'll say it. You're better than me. Great you. But I have better tits nerd. So are incredible.


Thank you. How do you manage them. Um I don't know who manages them.


Who who manage it. Who handles your tits. Just me. This is so low. This is so low.


I thought you'd have someone, I thought there was going to be a truck, a process nutter and a cotton gin and Eli Whitney. You like some kind of did my tits have been saggy since I was 12.


I just want to say that for real.


I'm not kidding you. And I remember being in fifth or sixth grade and having C Cups and I was not fat as a kid.


I just don't point that out. Everybody in the back. Well, because you were fat, you know, I was spin as a kid and I had huge tits.


Let me break this down because it is interesting. What is a cup ABCDE? That's the cup size and that's the width of the boob. That's the filt filt. You're filling up, filling it. Whatever you're filling is the cup.


The number is the circumference of your ribcage. Yep. Is that her bra sizing.


Bra sizing is a very enigmatic mysterious thing and it gets worse the bigger your tits are because you can, you can go into a Victoria's Secret. Oh one thirty two. See me, you know, you can go in there, I can't go into any store and I got start talking gibberish when I go into the big titty store, I want to you walk into Victoria's Secret.


What does that look like?


I used to work Victoria's Secret. What? Yep, I sure did. I go. Awful, the worst. I hated it, I hated it, did they? I only worked there for like a month.


What do they say? Is it more OK? Do men go in and buy lingerie for women or women buying one for themselves?


Who goes in with your store? Mostly women.


But I would have dudes come in and be totally uncomfortable and be like, I'm going to spend 200 hours. Can you just pick some stuff out, not just pick whatever out, but they.


Can you find me something to come on? Yeah. Yeah. Like when a guy goes into a laundry store, he's like, what do I want to come on. What. Yeah, that's basically what he's thinking. Right. What do I want to see my. Come on.


Yeah. How those tits going to look. What like what is were worthy of my cum ruining. Isn't that basically what.


A lingerie store. Yeah man.


But that I would say what she wants. Are these comfortable.


Yeah. She wants the she wants some pink sweats. She wants. This is what she wants. Yes.




What do you do with a guy who comes in and is like what should I get my girl for Valentine's Day. These cozy slippers and this onesie. Yup.


Or this thing full of wires and tetanus over here. I would ask Mark, do you want do you want something sexy or whatever? And they what do you say? Don't tell me. I would literally.


Blackwall are you want something sexy like lingerie, anal, you know.


Yeah. Like I have to ascertain like what do they would get. So like literally like I didn't matter. Does matter like almost like just get or whatever and like where do they go. They were terrified. What do they tell you about her.


No I just and then I just literally just picked some shit out that I wasn't aware myself. My God is good. I didn't work there very long. They made me give hand massages to people. And that's when I was like, what you had to wear.


This little woman's really cool, like microphones, you know?


So I felt important, like a Madonna holiday. I was like, yeah, like a and I don't know if I do those anymore. And then anyway, like someone would come in and then my manager would be in the back, literally, like the lady that just walked in a massage.


What do you mean a hand? So I'd have to and I've never been in a Victoria's Secret. I'm going to have been one years. But where I've seen this done so, I think it was just me.


But I'd have to go out. Coming out with your story of being molested, it's like just let me emotionally prepare and I'd have to go up and be like, hi, how are you today?


You know? Good. This is our most popular lotion, Angel. It's called Angel. And would you like to. Would you like me to give you a hand massage? Just, you know, and that literally most people would be like, no, that's OK.


He told you to offer people here? Yeah. It was a chick. Yeah. Yep. And if they said yes, I would say twenty populaton. They said yes. What? Which is even weirder.


And I would literally think they would literally just use this and I would squirt some lotion. You're not a train mazouz.


No, I was just rubbing lotion on their hands like what's what's your let's say literally say I'm a customer, you're working, you're doing it. Not only put this on you. Yeah. OK, look. Hi, how are you. This, this. OK, that's expensive.


OK, don't waste my show ok. I just I'm like, hi, how are you today. Hi. How are you. Good. Yeah.


Let me tell you about our most popular scent. It's called Angel, ma'am. It's called Angel and it was called Angel.


I remember that. And I'd be like, would you like a like would you like a hand massage? I say, yes, give you a quick hand massage.


I'm just over here. I'm here. Let me see your hand.


Yeah, let me see it. Just let me give you a quick hand massage.


And this is literally what I would do to I'm sorry, I, I, I like that I pulled together all that time.




Well and I went and I was just happy was so real. You going man to man. I was just so I was so real.


That was I would literally pray they would say no. Oh you came in so committed. But I know you want me to say no. Oh oh I would say no please.


In such an amazing experience to watch how hard you're committing is something that you don't want to do. Yes.


OK, so so when they would say yes, OK, that's probably not a big reach for me. I'm the asshole customer putting on makeup, ignoring you. Yeah.


OK. Hello, how are you today.


Think. Hey, hey. I want to tell you about our most popular scent. It's called Angel. Yeah. Yeah.


Would you like a hand massage just real quick please. Real quick, because I'm not going to do it for an hour, you know, you got things to do.


I smell my mouth. Yeah, that's all I would do that. Why you to get straight to decide if this is like 15 years ago. This is our fate. This is our most popular sent angel.


I would hold it up like this every politic. And then in pre cova times when you could just tell him, oh yeah, the good day. And that's OK.


Mm hmm. Thank you. Would you like a hand massage?


And I always wonder why some of us. No. No, never.


If someone asked me what I did, I would literally call the police.


Every time they said yes, I would literally be like, why I want in my head?


Why I would literally be like, this is how we do it. I would grab their hands and be like. And then I would never say anything, I'm just trying to show that. I'm looking, OK, you're pretending you're not. So what's going on in your mind?


You're pretending, you're not thinking, oh oh God. Like how long is this? You know what I mean?


Look, what time is it? Oh, that where I worked. I worked evening shifts in the evening and it was always older women that said, yes, I knew that older women that said yes. And then I saw someone just want to touch someone else.


Yeah. Like what have you like?


Because when I worked, I worked in a store or a clothing store when I first moved to L.A. and it was such great, like education on human nature. Like I think as comedians, it's like we need to understand, like what people need, what people want, how deeply emotional we are working in retail. Help me learn that people are just.


Yeah, so emotional and unpredictable. And I just feel like I learned so much about human nature. Yeah.


When I was on the when what people decide to spend their money on, like what did you learn working in retail about like human nature.


Oh gosh dude. Because Benton always be like because when we work on packaging for like new merchant stuff like that, it's like people, they just want it's an emotional decision.


You know, Robert Green was saying that in a store, if you are a salesperson, if you touch the customer. There's a chance they'll buy something, the chance that they'll buy something goes up 80 percent. Wow. If you touch them, I didn't know that if you just touched their shoulder. Whoa, that's crazy.


That's probably why you see that woman was having you massage stranger. Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, you were molested in a way.


And you should file a criminal report, Gyude, I think. OK, so I've done retail, I've done fast food. And I think, like, for me, the only thing it taught me was how to fucking treat people.


You know what I mean?


In terms of comedy, I don't know, you know what you know, because I don't know if you get nervous before, but I want to go home right before they announce me. I'm like, I want to go home right now. What I'm seriously thinking about walking out. What happens? Oh, God, I'm going to puke. And I'm like, I was saying, why am I doing this? What? Why did I sign up for this?


But what was I thinking? And then I get on stage and it's like, great, you know what I mean?


So it's just weird.


But I think doing shit like that, Victoria's Secret probably helped me to like, you know, like curry like, you know, like just introduce uncomfortable thing that is so.


Profound, thank you. I love, I mean, falling in love with you.


Yes, it's like all these like, you know, every shitty job I had prepared me for being a comic or prepared me for being a boss or whatever I had, because you have to, like, walk up to strangers and embarrass yourself.


Yeah, that's what it is. Yes. Essentially all the time.


And you have to, like, make you more uncomfortable situations like laugh it off. That's what we're doing here. We know this is awkward, but we're going to do it anyway. That's it. Kind of with what you're saying is great for that like that.


I could not waitress I couldn't last 20 seconds, really. I didn't last I but I worked in a clothing store out here and it was like people looking at clothes and like where you get it or not.


And you're like, oh, there is like I my job right now is to just.


Yeah. Walk you through your childhood.


Like this isn't about buying a sweater or not buying a sweater. Yeah. Like you're going through it. Like I need to get you to stop crying. Yeah.


Like it's just like it's so you see people at their worst right. Yeah I could definitely see that. Yeah. And I never thought about any of this till you brought it up, but like just freakin, you know, going to an audition or what.


Just a meeting. I hate meetings. What do you mean. Oh my.


Even if it's with people I know, it's just just uncomfortable and with what I do, you just have to there's so many uncomfortable. You just got to do it. You got to push yourself.


And so I think definitely stuff, you know how like emotionally uncomfortable. Like you're just like. I don't know, did I just get if they asked me to talk, I'm like, fuck, I got to talk, you know, we'll see.


That's fascinating to me because it's like, you know, as comedians, I think we're all trying to figure out, like in this new moment of like standup sitcoms, movies, digital, you know, tick tock, like, how are we going to get to our fans?


How are we going to get content to our fans? And there was a way that we used to do it. But now it's sort of like in order to, you know, be a successful famous comedian, you also have to be a business person behind the scene.


And usually the kind of childhood and neurology that made someone really funny is probably not the same neurology that's going to make someone like great and logistics and running a business. So now comedians are expected to be the silly clowns and also like Elon Musk.


Yeah, it's like no, the I just kind of shake my tits and tell Dick jokes, and now I'm like in a business meeting and I'm like, I'm talking to are like idiots.


Yeah. I was my whole thing. Yep. And now I agree. Now, you know, the people that signed up to be clowns are sitting at the head of a conference table being like with a bunch of suits being like, yeah, no, no, I just was fucking around my friends having fun up your ass.


That's how I feel. Now you're asking me about like percentages and numbers and shit. And so I just pretend I understand.


Yeah. Oh, I'm I'm great at pretending. You have to. You have to. I'm great at pretending this is this is really important because you're getting successful so fast with no blueprint, no blueprint for this.


No. There's no one to ask.


Like, you know, I can call and I can call Shelley Duvall and be like I can call people and go how to navigate Hollywood. I'm like, this is also young and new.


Yeah, the whole Internet. Yeah, I agree.


I think you're going to you're the Dolly Parton of Instagram. I would like for Chelsea Lane to be the Dolly Parton of Instagram.


We will look back in 50 years. Oh, sugar. Oh my God. Thank you. I'm obsessed with her. You know that. That's awesome. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. The whole like I don't know the you know how like there's analytics. You were saying analytics. Someone was talking to me the other day, some content creator and he's like, oh, ask me questions. Oh how many. What your am I.


I don't know. We're talking about things like you don't ever look on your thing. I don't know. He's like, you could be making so much more money. I'm like, OK, I don't know what you're talking about.


I don't think about that one. I worry about writing something or whatever. I'm whatever I'm doing once it's posted, I don't even look at how many views it has, you know what I mean? Because that's weird. That's weird to me. I just want to do it.


I don't want to do all that's the whole thing.


I don't. And it. Wow. And this is part of why I think there's such a purity to what you do and why there's such a freedom and what you do and such a joy in it. Because, you know, I came up having to look at metrics and numbers and and so overthinking things and everything.


This has to hit a certain amount of numbers, like the fun has been taken out of the process of making entertainment. So entertainers are no longer having fun. So entertainers are no longer able to be fun.


Yeah, I'm saying because yeah, used to be like they go on a stage and they freak out and they Gallagher's like smashing watermelons like that would never have worked on Instagram the way I would have worked if there were.


What's working now is just so different. And because there's this immediate feedback and there's this immediate punishment or reward for something. Yeah. Where is it like it used to be like you could like, fuck up for a while and something happened, something not work for a while and then get better lost in private. On stage. Yeah. Now it's like you put it out for Instagram, like you can get demoralized before you're, you're just practicing like.


Yeah, no one's supposed to have it all figured out. Yeah. Right away. Yeah.


Your followers expect you to be there if your followers like you have to be. Yeah. The peak of your career as soon as you start. Yeah.


And you have to stay that way. You have to stay that way. Stay that way.


Amazing how like Tom Cruise is able to have a couple of bad movies. You'll still see Mission Impossible.


Forget about. And what is about Tom Cruise movie.


Oh it's about God. I don't know. I couldn't I can't live like Ben Affleck or.


Yeah, God's a lot of good ones. But we forget about Gigli or Giglio's. Yeah. Yeah.


You can't have a bad video. They just fucking follow you right there. In there. Yeah I know. Damn.


You know, so true. It's like there's, there's more you know we have less. What's the word like. Shorter leash now we laugh because there's so many people doing it. Yeah, there's so many people doing it. Yeah, like, dude, I'll post a video and most of my think most of my stuff's banger's, I will say, but great.


Yeah. You're like, I don't have this problem. My fans have never had a nail it little bit.


But every once in a while I'll have a comment like I'm not your best.


And I'm like but look at all these people that did enjoy it. I don't give a fuck.


You have such a healthy. Why do you have such a healthy mindset. Thank you.


Why do you have to know what's going on. I don't know. I don't know. So you casually are just like I was raised by drug addicts.


Oh yeah. Yeah. I was right about drug addicts for sure. But no, sometimes I'll do like a certain video and it won't get a whole lot of use or love. But the few that do I keep doing that because, you know, like I'm trying to think of it.


I can't think of an example, but you know what I mean? I'm like, I don't have to put out things that go viral every time I post.


I don't give a shit. You know, as long as few people love it.


That's great. That's great.


You don't put a lot of pressure on yourself. No. Zepa zero. Good zero. It should be. Yeah. Zero. That's how it should be. Do you talk about your childhood much or. No.


Yeah. Oh I don't mind talking about it. I've talked about it. I've talked about on Instagram and I was on the Honey Do podcast. You know, he gets deep. Yeah. Rinzler and we talked about it on there. Yeah. So my parents had me young. I'm the oldest of three girls and they had me when they were seventeen I think.


And it was planned that was planned, carefully planned.


And I got we got taken away when I was twelve, lost custody and and my grandma raises from there on out. So from birth to twelve. Dude, I don't know how like I look back I'm like how did I turn out. Half assed decent.


Did you ever have to go into court. I never did, but there were coordinates about me type of thing, because I have a theory, I have a little theory going here because I was in a custody battle as a kid and I had to go into court and I had to testify. And that was my first like, yeah, people are looking at me like this.


Oh, you liked it. It was like my first an upset. How old were you? Oh, it's such a blur.


I was really. Oh, wow. You liked it. I was like, yeah, like it was like I have a theory that people that grew up in acrimonious situations are like, you know, bad divorces and were taken away and had to speak for themselves and to advocate for themselves as children grow up to be comedians. Yeah.


You know, or grow up to be sort of comfortable being seen because speaking in front of people for is a very unnatural weird is weird.


It's natural. Humans are not designed to get up in front of people and go, I'm going to make you laugh, you know? Yeah. It's it's it's it's terrifying. Yeah.


And since the pandemic, I've gotten more scared of it, like, really. Oh my God. After doing stand for six months and then I started torturing them.


You do those parking lot shows, those parking lot shows with Tell Thomlinson and I just booked a bunch of club shows and I'm doing some car shows outside in California, but I remember going on stage. Oh my God.


Like, how have I done this for the past 15 years? Like, I literally I was so nervous going on stage, like after it wasn't like that muscle had kind of.


Oh wow.


Dude I, I hope, I hope it because I've only done standup twice. Well two weekends multiple. I had done like ten shows right now. Yeah.


Nashville and then Dallas a year ago or before that the best. Oh my God. Did I. But I've never done open mikes. Yeah. I've never done you know what I mean. So to go in.


So you miss the like I miss getting blessed by comedians nineties. Yeah.


You got to miss all that palmist bombing. You know I don't you got to go straight to like fans. Yeah. Which I feel like was even I feel like that's even scarier.


Wow. Because you feel like you owe them or something or I feel like maybe they expect they're like, you know what I mean.


If you do an open mind or people don't know who you are, you're open or whatever, people aren't there to see you. It's almost as if you bomb, you know, they're not there to. Yeah. You know, whatever.


But if they're there to see you and they've driven and they've gone further in and, you know, and they're like, I'm you know, it's more way more pressure.


That's so interesting. And I'm not and I hope I'm not like talking you out of your process, but I, I feel I look I'm like, oh, my God, that's as a as a fan, I would come to show me, like, there's nothing you can do at this point that would make me unhappy. That's what everybody says. But it's like because I came up at a time where it was like, you have to prove yourself your every second was like you lose them at any moment.


They had no idea who I was. And when people are coming to see you, there's there's so much more forgiving. Like, I feel like there's this there's this negativity towards our fans. Sometimes that is because a lot of comedians were wired to be negative.


I'm wired to be like this. Motherfuckers are laughing. How many before answer?


And we came up in such an ad, we had such an adversarial relationship with the audience. And maybe you guys, people that got famous on Instagram feel it, too, because of the comments section. You know how critical people can be.


But I feel like we forget how much people actually just fucking love us like they love you.


Yeah, we put so we are expectations for ourselves so much higher than.


Yeah. And it's funny because you like the whole Internet video thing. I put zero pressure on myself.


Zero. But when it comes to stand up that's where all my pressure goes for sure.


And it should be that's healthy that you should take it seriously. But also it's like I just feel like there's this mentality of like that.


The audience is like, yeah, like people are supportive. I think that the comment sections on Twitter and Instagram and YouTube have given us a false sense of how negative people are. I don't think people are as bad as we think they are.


It's that naive. No, I agree with that for sure. I think people show up and they want to laugh and they want to enjoy the show. It's the the negative people are the ones that go out of their way to write the Yelp review out of their way to make the negative comments like those reviews.


But we're biased because we we weigh the negative. Yeah, we're heavily in our brains. Yeah.


I just got to think, you know, those negative commenters aren't buying tickets. I didn't think about that, but you're right, like the people there are, they're the ones that have been, you know, supporting. So, yeah, that's so true. When you're a little break, we do need a break. There's a small break, a break from the merriment, too much fun.


So if you have a personality like me and men can't get it up, we can help because talking about erectile dysfunction isn't easy.


But you know why it is for me to say all that?


Yeah, that was really hard for me to get into.


Excuse the pun, you don't want to say things like I'm just not feeling it or I'm tired or this always happens or no, it never happens or I think that always happens. That's why not.


This always happens with you. I can you stop looking at me, turn the lights off. Can you pretend to be someone else? You're not Scarlett Johansson. It's so weird. Yeah.


Could you just put your head in this bag?


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Are you comfortable emotionally? You would probably be more comfortable if you had to Brooklyn and sheets or towels or pajamas, the Brooklyn and towels.


Not that I have taken a shower in four months based on the look at me, but these towels are really nice.


They're like little clouds. I had no idea until I had these towels that I just had to move the water around and that it eventually just evaporates.


This is like you put it on, it's like the water is gone.


I was pretty sure was just rached water off of me into a puddle on the floor. Then I laid the towel down on the puddle on the floor. Not with this.


Have you ever smelled your towels? I'm like, oh, like you're supposed to get new towels every six months because I did not know.


Well, you know what I like about this towel and be really honest, it's big enough that it wraps around my whole body. I mean, know how hard it is to find a towel that fits around your entire body.


This is a it's also, by the way, just like it's so this is a comforter, actually, you know. Exactly. There are comforters, which I have one, I like to be cold at night. Like, I like to sort of like get in and then get warm. And they have a lightweight comforter because the heavier comforters, I get sweaty and it's just I wake up in a pool of sweat and it's just not not yet.


Yeah. And they're like, yeah, I'll do that. My four days, sheets, pillows, duvet covers are all great.


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Whitney did respect yourself. Get in your shoes. Last night, I was playing for my lover, playing, playing, I know well, what do you make? Guitar. Imagine me lifting a finger. Now imagine me lifting a finger in a relationship, playing guitar, but like playing guitar, serenading him, buying him a car so he'll stop talking me know, I was playing the video of you.


Oh, your boobs. And it was just I was thinking about you and I was talking about you with my lover. And you seem to have like the most amazing marriage. Yeah.


We have a good God, I think.


Married at twenty one at 17, I would just turn 18.


I just turned 18 a month. And how long have you been married? You do the math like 12 years there we were 15, 15 years. Yeah, I don't feel old enough to be with someone 15 years.


Why? Why how did this happen? How how how is this possible?


We are so OK, so he here's what I think it is like when I say there is zero jealousy and zero control on both of our ends.


I mean, that hard core dude and I have such a crazy personality and I'm very sexual, you know, and he has never once been like, you know, people will comment.


What does your husband think about this, huh? Like, what do you like? No, no, no, no. I've never told him once.


He can't go anywhere. He can't do anything. He I don't want him to know that I don't give a shit, you know what I mean?


Like, so I think that I could I don't think I could be with someone that had a problem with. Maybe in the way I was. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you said you never are making your content and being like he's going to be mad if I do this, not like he wants.


He's there's a I once had to take this meditation class to rewire my brain of my attachment style. And the George has the meditation. To not be jealous and codependent in a relationship is I love you, keep going as a way to, like, support your partner. Like, I love you. Keep going like like. Yeah, live like in a relationship that isn't to hold each other back and get stuck and and benefit the other person. Go through life and then I love you.


Keep going, keep thriving.


Keep I love that. And he so he's, he's encouraging. Oh that's him. Illicit. Yup. Yeah. See that is like. Yup. That's him. Thomson that's what we need.


Yep. Never once. Oh don't show your tits. He's like flop them out there you know. Like Yeah. Know get that chick you know. OK, so he's a pimp. Got it. So he knows the emotional abuse. He's just like you. We'll talk about this. Yeah.


Anyway so no the first time I do a calendar you know that I thought you won. I know I didn't. I'm going I got a package for you.


Your tits are a I mean one of the national landmarks. Well one of the great wonders of the world to people that are listening that don't know.


I've got some big saggy granny titties and I feel like most women do and they're so like, you know, and I've never been right now have kids, you know? I mean but it looks like I have and people want to cover on me and I'm like, who gives a fuck? Just flash your saggy titties.


So that's not the point. But how do you. We didn't even finish.


How do they like how do you what it's what brought you here. I would say half the time when you wear one. OK, honest to God. And I feel like you know that lady and Walmart. That's me with the no bra that's walking around all day.


She's been a bra, that's me and yeah, so yeah, I don't know this Bross from Wal-Mart and what size is it?


You don't I don't even know if you're. Well, I feel like my balls are different sizes.


If there's not one size, if you were different brands are different. Like if you were going to go to a website right now and buy some bras. What bra would you buy?


I would I would say I'm probably like 40 to. G or H g or because that's the size of the cup, yeah. Yup. And then when were you this size?


So I feel like I feel like maybe like five years ago I gained some weight in the tit's got much bigger before that.


Like when did you first get boobs. Oh. Oh elementary school. You were like boobs. I'm not kidding. Yeah. I really defines you as a person. Yeah. Because I didn't have really and I know these are new.


Oh yeah. These are. Yeah.


We've gone through a couple of doctors on this one. These are only two. My boobs are like three OK.


Which is why if a guy fills me up I'm like, you're a pedophile.


So young, too young for you know, I remember being like in fifth grade, fourth or fifth grade and having like a C cup and yet our bra and I.


Oh, I hate that. That's traumatized. Yes. Like, I had my best friend in middle school had to get a breast reduction. I remember she had to leave school and get a breast or she had such giant boobs and it was like embarrassing. And she had back problems that it was like a whole thing. And it's like, oh, yeah, it's one of those things where it's like the girls are like, oh, your big boobs, your life is so hard.


I was like, so flat chested. You know, it is a big deal. Yeah, it is.


I was the first girl in the school where in brawls, you know, basketball.


And I was running regular and I was you know, that was I run like this, you know, like that was embarrassing. Literally. I run like this.


Oh. And it is. Oh. So I'm always. Yeah.


And you're like, yeah, that guy's jerking off in the stands. Oh I hated it.


But no the first. So this is like the third or fourth calendar I've done and the first two were kind of like sexy like I do. I do it as trailer trash Tammy and it's basically I don't mind if chicks do hot calendars and that's great girl, get your money.


But it was my way of kind of making fun of it, you know, as Tammy hit. Yeah.


And the first two did not show nipple or anything. And then the last one I thought, I'm going full titty.


Why not. Yeah, why not.


And I didn't even ask.


Why would I ask. They're my titties, you know, top thing. And so I showed them a challenge like oh you went full tilt like yeah. You like like I love it. Yeah.


So you know, like just there's no, there's no jealousy.


He, he lets me be me and like you said like go off and throw like he's very much like when I quit my nine to five almost four years ago and we had just bought a house in California which, you know, expensive as hell.


Yeah. San Diego.


Yeah. I wasn't making a ton of money. He was doing OK. And so we are rent to mortgage had doubled and we had been in the house maybe a month. And I woke up one morning and went to work and on my way to work I thought, I'm quitting, I'm quitting. Didn't even talk to him about it. Nothing. And what was this job?


I was working at Qualcomm, so my husband's an engineer at Qualcomm. And so I was working like like as an engineer assistant, like testing parts for him and shit like whatever.


I watch Netflix all day and nobody really. Yeah. And I went and put in my two weeks and I was like, holy shit. And I called him and I was like, babe. He was like, yeah, I go I just put in my two weeks notice and I literally thought, he's going to say, we just bought like we just thought I was making money on social media. And he goes, I thought I said we just bought a house like Gotan want your job back, you know, blah, blah, and he goes, that's great.


And I can do this full time. Now, you can put everything into what you want to do, your dream. Yeah, yeah, and I started making money like within a month or two, and I'd already been doing it for years, almost five years without making a dime. And once once I, like, put everything into it and everything, I started making money. That's amazing.


So I think I got that emotional support. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that's it. You know, like, listen, he gets on my fucking nerves day.


Oh, here's oh God. To the point where, like, I travel a lot, especially like before a pandemic and people messes you sleep in the same bed. Yeah. I don't, I can't, I can't say no nexxus.


I cannot sleep. That is my mate. I cannot sleep next to someone.


Well, we have a California king and we have two separate blankets sharing a blanket with him. No, that's that's what's get a separate blanket. Why the heat. Oh, God. Everything. I don't don't touch me now. I want my own. I don't want to worry about pulling the blanket. No, that's my sleeping. I am like a corpse or I want to be left alone. I don't want to be touched. It's a very personal sleeping is a very private experience for me.


The idea of having someone else, I just cannot sleep next to the person when I'm like on a plane and people are just like conk out.


And I'm like, you're literally at your most vulnerable next to the stranger. Wow. Like just falling asleep.


I cannot fall. But what about a human being? But you said stranger. What about someone that you're with or that you love.


Yeah, but yet because you're there and then I'm like, oh, you keep had to do the thing. Like I talk to you.


I can't just lay there and not be like, OK, yeah, it's just my I can't be next to a person I'm in a relationship with and not be thinking about their needs.


Oh. Or like or ok. Or judging them or getting annoyed by. Yeah. So that's what I think.


That's ok. It's come out to illness. Yeah. OK. OK, ok.


No I don't judge my aunt and uncle sleep in separate rooms and they're like, they have like the best relationship and I think they still vote you know.


So but it's like I don't judge if you got to do what you feel like, what is what, what am I in for in terms of when I get married or the sex is just.


Oh, honey. Oh, honey, it's true what they say. What? Oh, getting oh, my God. Me getting laid is like, you know how like it's the woman never wants to have sex with the man.


Looks like the stereotype. Yeah. It's all like no, it's always what I hear. He's like, I'm tired. I'm like, really, you're tired. That's the only thing we fight about. Oh, I get so mad. Yeah, that's about it. That's all we find about sex. Yeah. And we don't even fight but I'm always like you dumb ass and I'll like slam it.


Or do you think our guys love to jerk off when they're in a relationship or mudflat. Oh yeah.


OK, I went ok, I wouldn't be upset but I want to be taken care of first. Yeah. OK, there you go. You fuck me first, you take care of me first. Now if you're doing that instead of me, I met bitch that bitch.


We're going to have problems. It needs to be in addition to not in lieu of a thank you.


Thank you all you're go after. Yeah I have mine. You can go watch whatever porn you want. Exactly. And still watch it. It more pm at work and then come home and agree. Have no cum left.


I agree and I know a lot of chicks chicks have a problem with that. You know I, I rub some out all the time. Really. Oh yeah. Sex toys. Oh yeah.


I've never used a sex toy. I'm, we've just talked about this all the I guess.


Oh my God.


I don't even know like I've just never done it. I don't know if I'm just I'm not I'm coordinated in shock right now.


Yeah. Like never used one. Never literally never tried one. Is that like weird. Yeah, really? Yeah, I'm so I grew up without money, sorry, bitch, I got money to throw around. I got my first I grew up in a trailer house with holes in the floor, and I still managed to get a vibrator at 20.


I was 20 years old and it was like it was like, you know, how what was that like? I would say 12. They were like beige, just like a baby.


Don't wear the little bullet. Looks like a little and look like a little bullet. Well, iPod, like I love it. Just like the analog vibrators.


I honestly think I remember it was like twenty seventeen. And you know how like something happens to you and the heavens part and you hear angels like that's what it was like for me. And I was like, what the fuck did I just open here.


What was it. The bullet thing. Yeah. Vibrating bullet you just put on your clit.


Just put it there, put there. That's all you got to do. And I do nothing. Dude, please try one for me, why I like this is I mean, maybe I could go off antidepressants. I've just never done it. I've never, never gone into the sex toy.


Oh, I don't go crazy. I don't do like clamps and anal beads and shit. I just, you know, I don't even know. No, no, I don't do that.


But like, in some dudes get like, you know, women, they get mad because of like, how can we compete with that? Yeah, dude, I can still you can still make me not relax.


OK, it's not. Yeah but it's it's always guys that like want to float the idea of a threesome, but the idea of a sex toys. How dare you. It's like well you wanted a human person and. Yeah. Yeah. And you're threatened by this piece of plastic. I like that. Made it a probably made it a wet market. Yep. Yep. Exactly.


You follow nine porn stars on Instagram yet. I'm not allowed to have one that's like pocket whatever the vibrator.


Oh is Greg dude I keep my man stays on my bed. I don't even put it down in the joint. What I say is right on top. Right walks by. David I don't give a shit.


Oh yeah. That's amazing. Oh yeah. Oh if he had a problem with me. Oh that'd be, that'd be my number one.


I'd be like bro is he like having sex in public person. No he is that I think that's a thing. He is so vanilla.


I love that.


Oh that's, that is hot to me. That's hot to me really. Guy that just wants to fuck old fashioned huh. Old fashioned. Yeah. Lord of the Flies style. Fucking old fashioned. Yeah. Well just nothing crazy. Like when there's props get involved. I'm like why am I hanging from hooks. Yeah.


No, no, no, no. Yeah I just what. Just fuck me. Yeah that's it. That's why he wants to do like so he probably didn't grow up on a lot of porn maybe.


No I don't, I don't know. His family is real.


No I'm not real religious but his, his grandfather was a preacher. OK, yeah. But like I remember in college I gave you her this.


So he's consumed with shame, that's why. Yes, but yeah. Honestly doomed with shame and guilt. Yep. Right, right. Right, right. Does he cried this way. He cries when he comes.


He's very. Yeah that's one time we tried a penis ring. Have you heard those. The conquering that keeps your dickered. Well it's like a little ring and on the end of it is a rubber so it's four mace to him with a ring.


I don't know where I got this. Someone gave it to me. I was like, we're using it, dude. I put it on and he, like, freaked the fuck out. Like literally was like, it's a vibrating ring.


It's like, oh, just a little latex ring. And there's like a little thing on the end of it. Dick ring. I just googled dickering maybe like vibrating.


You're about to fuck up my algorithm, add them about Tigger's penis rings at love, honey. How are they not a sponsor of the podcast. Love honey.


Get extra thick silicone cock ring set. This is a big business. Jesus, does it have a little thing on the end of it.


What? What kind of thing.


Because there's cock rings and then there's like this is a like these are like rings that are that some way.


OK. Yeah. Yeah, yep. And then that vibrates and so you put it charge it.


I like I already can't even like the number of chargers I have.


Like I just feel like a lot of logistics. No dude ever since then he won't let me go near him with it was just like no more of your no more.


Nothing great. Yeah. No more.


Nothing, no more electronics on my genitals. Anything. No he is not having it. He's very vanilla which is. Is this a shot caller. Yeah that. Oh I'll never forget.


His little penis just went. Do you get that scared buddy. Do you get in fights.




You never fight because I'm trying to figure out if, if marriages are healthy relationships, if it takes work and you got to fight through it and you communicate and compromise, or if it should just feel easy and you marry your best friend and you shouldn't have conflict, which is it?


Well, our communication is Poppen. There's nothing that I won't say to him. We're on the same cell phone plan.


There's nothing that if I'm like, dude, I don't want to say like if I if I'm like feeling something or whatever, I tell him there's nothing I won't say to him and person to resentment's zero zero.


And do we fight. No. Do we bicker.


Yes, I think there's a different difference. They got to know the difference and the language is important. Yep. And big difference.


When you when you go to your friends you go like, hey, I'm fighting with my guy. They're going to start hating your friends. Yeah. Because you're saying fight it when you say like, oh, we're just bickering like don't make it more dramatic than it is. Yeah. That's like a really fucking important lesson. Big. Yeah.


And his personality, he's very we're both very strong and headstrong and he's an extreme extrovert even more than me, really.


So it's like this a lot. I'm the one that shuts my mouth in the relation. Never close my mouth. Yeah, oh, he no, no, no, no. So it's just easier for me to just, you know, bite my tongue and walk off.


That is so that is like that is for everything in life. Just bite your fucking tongue. I could say the bang. I've got a banger in here. I could totally destroy you. I could destroy your sense of self.


I could destroy the way you view yourself and your entire family, frankly, like when you go home and you see, like, the dysfunctional fucked up shit that your person's in and they think it's normal and you're like, I could fuckin point out some shit right now. Yeah. That would dismantle your entire mental house of cards, could ruin your life.


It could literally ruin your concept. You would go into an existential crisis. But I'm not. But I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna. And that's the hardest thing.


That's power. Yes. Fucking yes. That's success. Yes. That's that's maturity being like.


Yeah. I'm going to let you have this one, huh. Yeah. And he doesn't have that because he's like, not worth it. Yeah exactly.


It's not worth it. And we're because that's my thing is whenever I start like fighting like are we going break up or not. Yeah.


I'm saying look what he's fighting for.


What's the verdict here. We know the if the verdict is we're staying together, we know the outcome is going to be just work through it, whatever. Yeah.


I have my friend Ethan Sandler used to write a great comedy writer. He has been with his wife for thirty years now or something. And when they start fighting, he'll just like fart and just try to make her laugh because it's just like, what are we doing?


It's good. And I've tried to start doing that and fight and I can fart on command.


You really know, OK. I can't either go that to the list of things we need to buy.


Well, if the button you know how people say that, like, oh, if you're in a if you're in a fight or in a you know, if you're bickering, just do something or take off your clothes, whatever, who says what you've never heard.


Oh, God, I've heard that. Oh, if you're if you're not if you're fighting, just take off your shirt. Caroline.


Caroline Bryant. I've heard that so many times.


Or do this or like you said, a sport where when I'm bickering, motherfucker, I'm bickering.


I'm not doing nothing else.


OK, ok, I'm pissed. OK, so if so, you're not the person to try to make fun of.


I know when you're mad you're mad. Oh and oh and he knows that he'll be like he'll start laughing.


You're mad but that's him. But that, but that I think people don't like you'll get like feelings aren't facts don't make temporary decisions or don't make permanent decisions based on temporary feelings.


Like this is temporary like you guys have. And it's like, you know, this is going to this is ephemeral and it's going to pass. Oh, yeah, for sure. Words like I feel like in relationships like it's over, like every flight is like really hot it here.


Yeah. Oh I guess now like it's like the end of the world. Oh no. Just a part of it.




No. And for me I think time apart for me. Yeah. Is, is important.


He wants to be stuck up my ass 24/7.


He's obsessed with you and I can't do that. So that's why I like to travel without him. And it's good to miss you.


You've been together so long. Yeah. You get either. Yeah. And I travel a lot. Right.


But no people get so famous that you leave him and he's like he's there. Kevin Federline. Oh shit. Dun done.


But no I don't miss Greg. I'm like no I don't. I've been with him for I don't man. And he'll kind of look at me like, you know, I'm like Babe I didn't, I love you. I'm glad I'm back now, you know. So yeah we have a good we have a really good.


I would just in terms of like your relationship with Hollywood, like, you know, you are like on the trajectory as someone that before the pandemic and maybe before like podcasting.


I would have been like, oh, she's about to be the thing, she's about to be the thing, you know, now with it's happening, this is a weird time. Yeah, it's like in what is you and I know there's such an adversarial relationship with television and Hollywood and comedy and specials like what do you want and what is your relationship to Hollywood?


Hollywood is such a gross word. It's such a pejorative term. Yeah.


You said Hollywood about me. Hollywood, Hollywood, Hollywood.


OK, I if I don't ever do anything else than what I'm doing right now. Oh, I'm good.


You're having the most fun. Like I literally look you I'm like she's having the most fucking fun, which is why she's so fucking happy. I always wanted to be like, stay there.


Don't don't cross over the side.


You're going to you're going to get they're going to come and they're going to.


I know that's what everybody you but but there's a way to do it. Well and let's just talk through it. Way to do it. Right.


Yeah. Yeah. You know, but if things happen, if you know, whatever, if things take off, that's great. Would you want to do a TV show.


Yeah, but if it doesn't happen, I'm not going to be like, oh, but it's also it's like, you know, and I think this is more a question for the for fans like do you want to see us doing television or do you want to just hear us talk like it's this weird thing where, you know, we have to just make a decision of what we enjoy doing.


Yeah. Also and then see what the fans want, because a lot of times, like people get super famous comedian and then goes a TV show and they're playing a firefighter. It's like, no, I liked him as a comedian. Why is he now a firefighter in a bad marriage? Yeah, I watch him do stand up. Like, why are you putting him in this shitty sitcom where he's now pretending to be a, you know, a fake job?


It's it would have to be. So like Tosh point. Oh, I feel like is an example of something that was done well in terms of taking what makes a comedian great and funny, getting the fuck out of their way, giving them a platform and money to get to their audience. Yeah, that's that's when TV does it, right. Yeah. You know, it doesn't always have to destroy you. Right. Right.


I think for me I would more so in the forefront of my mind. It would be like what the fans want over what I want.


Yeah. No doubt they're they're the customer. They're the yes. No doubt. Which is why I do stand up as a horn.


I'm now just just a product, which is why I do stand up is trailer trash Tammy.


Because the first three or four shows I did, I did them as Chelsea just to see if I could do it, you know what I mean? And I did it. They went well, I was great. I was like, OK, I can do it now. Did I miss Tammy? Like, this is what people want to see. This is what?


So it's the same material. It's it's material from my life. Is Chelsea just told as Tammy and Tammy is who is Tammy.


Oh God. Tammy. Oh, trailer trash Tammy. She's a bad ass bitch. She's a man eater. She's she's the most gorgeous thing in the world. And she'll beat your ass at the same time for looking at it wrong.


And she is so lovable. How my my hero.


My hero. Yeah. The only reason I have any self-esteem. And how did this like does this would you describe it as like an alter ego or like a character or like both your best self.




It's a character but it's weird because I feel like she is me as well. Like constantly my husband, my sisters.


I'll say something, I'll do something like, well, OK, Tammy, like Tammy came out, she's in there at all.


We all have different sides of us in us and. Yeah, right.


That's all it is. So I took you've seen the movie Monster with Charlize Theron. Yeah. I took the aesthetic. I raped someone in the 80s.


What a weird thing to admit. I hate that movie monster. Yeah, I raped someone too. Yeah.


So I took just the hair, the mannerisms of that, you know what I mean. Yeah. And then but in terms of the character, she's part of every woman I know growing up in Oklahoma and then she's part of me.


It's weird. So she has a character but most definitely an alter ego. Benton's here.


Hey Sugar Quentin. He dressed up, oh, for the best. You look great.


I remember Marilyn Manson T-shirt. Yeah, very problematic. And Betty White says, Oh, that's true.


I know I didn't say anything because I'm not going to say I was thinking I'm getting canceled.


You know, you'll just get those diamonds. Why are you still following? I don't know, because I was I just bought this for Betty White did. But yeah, I didn't think about rolling on her.


You OK? Well, we were doing OK because I do want the moment you realize you're wearing a Marilyn, please don't tell me.


I didn't realize I'm just a Betty White fan did. Wait till you do it.


Please don't cancel me. I knew this would be the day I got canceled.


I knew it'd be the day you did. You just, like, not put it together that you're wearing the note.


You said, I would like to distance myself from hot topic. I had no clue. I don't even I don't even I bought this for I thought it was cool. It's like a Photoshop. I just put it on not thinking. Canceled. So you think that's that's a very white shirt. It's not a very white shirt here. It's a government business.


There we go. There could be anyone. And of course, that could be anyone. The entire I'm not going to move you've been wearing a Marilyn Manson shirt is so funny. So you you knew and you didn't say before, but I was like, I'm not.


So I brought a different shirt to where I brought it right up.


I said, excuse me, I saw it. And I was like, look, I'm not going to tell people what they can and can't wear. No, you should be enlightened. Ma'am. Ma'am, I brought you a shirt. She goes, Oh, I love your shirt. I'll wear it.


I saw I clocked it.


And I was like, maybe she hasn't seen that because I'm in L.A. and I'm like, maybe this is L.A. News. Maybe it's only news that I've seen. And I, you know, yeah, I had to put all mine in my bottom drawer.


I was like, oh, this fucking shirt's hung over. Yeah. Wait.


And that was like, good lord, I know I like you, but but the fact that he's like going through getting dragged internet this week and you're wearing it this week, it's almost like I thought you were like just leaning in on, you know, how they are doubling down. But one thing like I'm not throwing this shirt away.


I thought you were trying to get Betty in trouble. So she hung out with me. Yeah.


Yeah. See, like Betty White right now is what you're doing. Betty White endorsed Marilyn Manson and all that behavior.


She gave them the idea. But it's like, that's so funny.


All the things that I've had to throw away because the people got canceled. I was going through my bookshelves and it was like even like it was like, fuck, I had like a play like The Iceman Cometh is a play. Kevin Spacey played it on Broadway.


And so when I recently bought the book five years ago, again, he's like on the cover, you know, have the celebrity on the cover of a new issue, a book.


And I'm like, fuck Kevin Spacey. Well, I have to throw this.


I got in trouble for watching Parmer, how Justin Timberlake sent in there, like when Britney and I was like, first of all, let me just tell you a secret.


This little story about this little gay Southern child, I don't not to cancel the whole movie because Justin Bieber, Timberlake, Justin Bieber, he's canceled to probably get canceled for acknowledging someone that's canceled.


But here's the thing.


Ah, who's who's been who's actually been besides, like, real allegations. Are people really getting canceled? Here's what I'm thinking. Or is it just attention?


What's your what's your definition? You can't look at me, right?


If you're if your agency drops you and all these things are happening like and you don't work again, you can't say that's canceled. But I think I think I do think comedians we are a little histrionic about we're like we see two negative comments and we're like, they're canceling me.


If you have to make a patron cancel. Yeah.


Oh, my God. Oh, damn. Is that kind of is the litmus test you get banned from patron.


I know. Watch you. I don't know what to tell you. You're just like out there on Twitch. I'm like doing the damn thing which can't I.


I have no idea but I. Yeah, I don't like. Do you have to think about that.


Like I don't, I don't know. I mean I think about it a little bit but I don't do, I don't do shit or say shit to get canceled. So I don't know what I'm worried about, you know what I mean. Like I don't, I don't know. I'm not. You don't think about it?


No, but I'm always like, oh, they're canceling some well and some bravery like comedians.


Our job is to be brave. That's our job.


Our job is to come out and be brave and say the thing no one else will say and have the take that no one else will, even if we're wrong.


That's the other thing. Our job is kind of to be wrong.


And I've been struggling a lot with podcasting and it just in general right now because it's like I like to have space to be wrong and have difficult conversations and say the wrong thing and do the wrong thing and think the wrong thing. And then someone tell me I'm wrong and then learn from it. But we can't learn in public any more. No, people say you're ignorant. Yeah.


You have to have learned off camera and just all of a sudden be up to date on everything all the time.


And, you know, I like to be sloppy and messy and make mistakes.


Not only that, but also your your your past self had to also be really on top of it. You also could make mistakes when you were 16 or 17 or 19 or it's like I feel like I've been on thin ice like just like my whole life, you know?


And I feel like now more than ever, I just I feel like I'm on thin ice as a comedian. And that's where the opposite where they were supposed to come out.


Just say all the offensive shit. We don't mean it. But I do feel like you're inspiring me to stop living in this. Like I have fear for the first time in my life is is a comic.


The whole point of being you have to be fearless. That's a common denominator. Delusional confidence, fearlessness. I'm going to come out and now I'm like me when I try clothes on.


Yeah, but you seem almost uncancel because your comedy is very youth centric. It's not really true. True trailer trash, Tammy. It's it's also so like she's so relatable.


She's, you know, someone like everyone forgot that she's not southern, you know, someone I know someone like that. And it's also so like on a it's so like therapeutic so. Unapologetically sexual. It's just like it's so like, yeah, she's like my hero. Yeah, thank you.


Trailer trash is who I am in therapy to become and to I might be in plastic surgery to yell at them titties on less than big hotties. God, that's so funny. But like you just said, because here's the thing.


If you if you do a TV show, it depends.


You either do a TV show, people come to you and they're like, what do you want to do? You get you get paired with someone basically like a show runner.


And my fear would be that someone's like, here come only be trailer trash Tammy. And we're going to do this thing where we, like, make fun of the South.


And it's like, no, no, that's not what we're doing here. No, I feel like I've already been I've been thinking a lot about this if I were to do a Tammy show.


If if they wanted to change anything about her or anything, I'd just rather not do. That's it. I'm not doing it. I'll just keep doing the Internet thing.


I mean, I get calls all the time like this. This show worked really well in England. I'm going to make up a fake name to not tell you what the real show was named, Betty, and what they want to do it in America. Like what was the show? It was based on this comedian named Betty. She was huge. And Borough Film Festival, and now she's here. So now let's do one here with a different person is like, no, the essence of the person is why that show?


Yeah, you can't recast someone else to live their experience like fleabag. That was like her experience. You can't just cast someone else.


Right. Does not make sense. No. Does not make sense. So yeah, I just, I just keep doing what I'm doing on the internet if that was the case. Yeah. Yeah. I'd want, I'd want control over definitely the character and you know, I wouldn't want to do a show whether it was a a scripted show or whatever type of show it was. No.


If someone wrote something that Tammy wouldn't say, I'm not saying it.


What would you what do you watch? Oh, I just started watching Schitt's Creek. Yeah, just now.


Just now I'm on season two. Oh, wow. Yeah, I love it. I watch a lot of crime. Shit. I don't watch a whole lot. I have a theory about this.


Test me on this. OK, I have a I have a theory that this is a southern thing.


OK, am I wrong. Crimes. What crime crimes. Well they'll happen to live forever.


I just mean I just mean like I all my like growing up in a rural when you're in a rural area, it's like our brains way of like doing research on like what might happen.


I think, I think Southern people definitely are in my family watching and my mom would be like, my mom's in southern, she's from the north.


But the about you might see in New York, that's what happened in the big city to be like, aren't you happy you live here in the middle of nowhere? Because look what happens there. They sell kids together.


My mom used to tell me that the sewer grates, that the rain runs into those grates where they kept bad kids.


Yeah. Oh, my lives. Our parents told us to keep us obedient as I mean, child abuse.


Looking back, dude, my grandma, you if she's to tell us she was going there was a creek in our backyard, that property that she was going to take us out there and shoot us.


I'm not kidding.


My mom used to tell me, Chuck, you should come get me if I was bad. Chucky the killer.


I want you to tell me that the ice cream truck played music when it was out of ice cream. Oh, don't do.


That's a good ice cream truck where you lived when we had to drive an hour away to get out from McDonald's.


Yeah. Ice cream truck.


Oh, my God. How many went to Wal-Mart after prom? What a luxury.


How many people were in your town growing up? Well, I graduate with twelve people in the town. A few hundred, I would say to you, go back over, I do we do we have a do you get the key to the city? I mean, oh God, they think I'm Brad Pitt. Are we.


Do they call you Hollywood High? Hollywood is the weirdest. Yeah, they know my aunt calls me that Hollywood. Yeah. But yeah, it is weird going back.


I'll, I'll say that it's like the honorary governor. No go. I know where I'm from. And if you had this in your high school, if someone like succeeded in any way you got your own, like, you know, you're walking in the halls and they're like there's like the glass cases.




You've got, like, your head shot and like, yeah, you know, it's all right.


I could live or die in my hometown. They wouldn't care. But they do do that. We have we had a guy that played a one game of basketball professionally and he might as well run the state.


Yes, that's right.


I wear the one picture. He took one picture and it's side by side like wallpaper.


Here, let me tell you that we have to cut this part out.


Is his don't give them.


Yeah, his mom was my speech teacher. She died in a tornado.


OK, OK, there's this.


I had to write her an apology letter one time and I bet and can't be here for full interviews because he just says things that are just like, well, now that's its own podcast. Yeah, that's its own six episode.


When the first grade she was my teacher and I didn't like I was like I had this like we had, like, you know, those book fairs.




So I went I bought the super long pencil from the book. You bought something from the book fair. One thing, a pencil. And I was like, no, I kept doing like this with it, like it was a wand.


And when she walked by like, like picked her skirt up and she thought that I picked her skirt up on purpose and I couldn't say I did it because I was doing this. I was like, yeah, I did. And I had to write her an apology that I'd write her I'm sorry, a hundred thousand times.


And then she died in a tornado when when she died in a tornado. I mean, a tornado came and killed her. Oh. How was she that set her up into the air?


Hey, that's rare. That's rare. That's a once in a lifetime. Very rare. The serendipitous event. We've been devastated by tornadoes multiple times, but can be summed up by one that's rare.


I mean, it's a cool way to die.


I mean, how do you die if you die to suffocate or do you probably get hit by shrapnel? Yeah, you get hit by the shrapnel and stuff. Other people.


Yeah, I think it takes your breath away. No. Yeah. Look what happens. I don't know. She died because she died. What had cause of death. This is the kind of stuff I pulled up.


They said, well tornado got her and they drove away. Oh God. It got it up and then fell down. We weren't there. We were hiding in ditches. I know they're either her house crushed on her, the wicked.


So this is getting bad because what they did will say something was going to hear this and be like that little son of please don't cut any of the other. No way. Trust me.


The other day he's like, what? I was a kid and I was riding in a go cart in a groundhog jump in the go cart and it crashed in the bottom. Like that story needs more details.


Yeah, that's all that happened. But here's the thing. But it's nothing else. But you know how I screamed direct. We got the go cart. But, you know, I like stories over time. You shorten them up because, yeah, all the time. So I'm like I feel like he's shortening the story because he's told somebody that's not the real story. Let's back up.


I want to know how you felt.


I want to know what actually happened because you're and then but him him like just generalizing is what actually happened. It's always shocking to me.


That's what I was told. That is that she died in tornado, that I went to school. She wasn't there. Oh, man. But I was nasty down.


I was really trauma. That's a nasty death by then thinking I picked her skirt up. That's the main point of the story to me. I was like, oh, that is not a good thing to do.


Would you like it? Did you enjoy it? I mean, do you like it on her like it was an accident then? I just had to be like, OK. And it went up to like her knee or something. I can imagine I had that.


I was like, yeah, sing it up or anything. They had it out for you. She really did not enjoy it. They are. Which is a good point to make. I think she made that she was your speech instructor, which is therapist.


I said my S's different.


Yeah, different. Wish you old lady. I was in the first grade so to me.


Yeah. Do you. And she was probably twenty eight you know. Yeah. It's like totally. She's my older man.


Do you, do you ever find yourself or have you. I've talked about this with Theal before like with an accent. Do you ever like up it or down it in a conversation. I mean, we all talk differently to people based on who we're talking to. Yeah, we all like I mean, if I want someone to take me here, I'm like, hey, guys, how's it look? Like I have different voices.


I mean, my voice is trapped in constant puberty, so I don't even know. I don't think I do.


I'm just curious. Yeah. Because I just haven't talked to Theo about this in just about like the he's like I don't feel like I'm going to be authentic in everywhere, you know.


Oh I never thought about that. I don't think. But I don't know what I'm around people that are southern. I start the fact that I'm not fully Southern right now, really. I it's like contagious in California.


I don't get asked my voice at all, really. But when I used to back in Tennessee, they'd be like debates.


Oh, oh. I notice your accent. You have a strong accent. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Now, Greg, my husband, he's in there. I'm just trying to move past that.


I know I never get double cancelled. I'm just I'm trying to get answer to your face, you know, game to me. Marilyn Manson. Oh.


Oh fuck. Greg. Oh he embarrasses the hell out of me. He's the top person. If he's talking to anyone with an accent, foreign accent, it does not matter.


He starts speaking and I'm like, you're an actor. He's talking. I'm like, that is like we talk about.


I go, good that you you were mimicking him.


You were talking to an Asian person. You started babbling. It was where I could by what's wrong, babe?


Whenever I talk to someone who's dooper Southern, I start getting superstud and I'm like, you must think everyone southern because they turn Southern when they talk to you. Like you don't even have an accurate representation of what the world is like.


Yeah, we catch your southern.


Yeah, I, I find that in California when you do something that's like very normal in like the south, like holding a door open for someone or just manor's that people get like ah I hold the door open for this lady at Starbucks one time and she stopped and looked at me and I was like, did you want to go?


And she's like, What are you doing on the door open? And she was like, It's creepy.


Thank you. Southern Southern Manners is now creepy or problematic. So I in Virginia, I live in Roanoke, Virginia. My aunts lived my aunts. Yes, ma'am. No, man. Yeah. To everyone. If you didn't say yes, ma'am. No, ma'am.


You got to pinch on the back of your neck or your ear dragged out of the store. Or are we to get a what? What was that. What was that.


Yeah, I'll say it again. So. Yes, ma'am. No, ma'am. And it's so programmed into my brain and now. Yes, ma'am. No, ma'am. I'm like accidentally miss gendering. Someone like and I like I did it at a I was someone I was like, yes ma'am. No, I said no sir or something. And the person was like, ma'am. I was like, oh my God. I was like, that was really it's just I was trying to do manners and I, I, I made a boo boo.


That's my girl. Yes, girl. That's your girl. Yeah, it's shoobridge.


Never got a straight guy girl trigger. Well, I call it men. I'll say no ma'am. To Greg. No ma'am. Yeah. It's so funny. He gets so mad. He gets so mad.


But like where I'm from, I don't know if you guys do this, like if you're driving down the road. And I did notice this when I moved to California. When you're driving down the road, you wave at everybody you hit or not.


You're you if you know if you don't know my wife, you both wave to each other. And so when I first moved out here, did people know?


So I'm like, they're not white, just. No, nobody waves.


Oh, no waving.


You know, we're driving. Yeah. You know, I'm driving. That means I'm texting also. Yeah.


Whenever you drive, when you're like when you drive back in the south, it's like you're kind of like very leisurely about like you can you can go. Go ahead. Yeah. Here it's like you better fight to merge. Yeah. It's a full on fight. Yes. You have to put your head out the window.


Yes. Do you have anywhere to be.


Clearly you're out in the middle of the day with me. So what do you do.


There's such a there's such a you know, it's such a cheesy, like you said, a thing, but it's like it is really like small towns, like we're all in this together, like I'm going to see you at the grocery store next week. Like, I can't afford to have bad blood with like it's like we're all in this together. Whereas here it's like when people like, cut me off, I'm like, dude, I could run into you tomorrow like I've seen you.


Why aren't you do be an asshole to me.


I will say on the flip side, California, you guys are in it together on maybe maybe more important things than sometimes the south is. Sometimes we get a little or sometimes we're in our own little civil wars. Yeah, yeah, yeah.


I mean, it is interesting. Like I mean, the question is for me, it's like taking all the positives of the small town mentality and keeping them, you know, with you and not letting it get adulterated by not letting people make you mean.


Yeah, I think people like keeping that like I still am.


Like disbelief. Yeah. Yeah. Honesty. Yeah. That's so they can get rid of like, you know, pills, right.


Yes. Take the. Take what you like, anywhere you live, anywhere you like, and leave the rest any more relationship advice, because it's very rare that we have someone who is in a successful relationship on the show, who knows how long that's going to last.


I honest with your fame, I hope I hope you just get so famous that you start dating Chris Evans and gray hair and a nightmare lawsuit Laura Wasser was just on. We can hook you up with the biggest the biggest celebrity lawyer on the planet.


Statistically, you know, who knows what's going to. Yes. No, that's really honestly, I think I think we just lucked out. I know that sounds so, I really do, you and your guy. Yeah, yeah, I think we just lucked out because, like I said, I could not be with someone that was had a problem with what I did or had a problem with how it was with my friends.


If he didn't, because this is what's so interesting to me. He didn't sign up for a famous wife, you know what I mean?


It's like there's certain, you know, for me, like like I don't everyone knows that I'm very dysmorphic about I am always surprised when anyone recognizes me. I don't think of myself as like famous. But but I now understand that someone that's dating me knows what they're getting into. And there's a little bit of a like why would you want to be with someone who's in the public eye like I and that's there's a little paranoia there. But I was in a relationship with someone who changed careers like kind of like a year and a half in.


And it was I was like, this isn't what I wanted. Like, this is not what I thought. Because what you do for a living is what you talk about every night where you complain about all the time, like you have to your partner has to hear about what you do all day, every day. Yeah. And what I signed up to hear about all day, every day was different.


I know this weird.


It sounds great. And it made it weird because it was my business and I was like I was like, oh, I don't want to talk about all I do is work.


And now my one off time with you. Now you're talking about your work, which is also my work. And now everything feels like work all the time.




So it's like so I was just interested because I was like, if you change your career while you're with the person and all of a sudden he's like, I kind of signed up for like this and now I got this.


Like, he's been so great with the training. Yeah.


That has not been an issue yet crazy at all because, you know, checks are clearing that. Yeah. Honestly, yeah. If you were getting paid, I'm sure you have problems. Yeah. If you're just doing it for the love of the game. Right. No.


Yeah. Because you know I've been working fast food. We got together. Yeah. So that's never been brought up. I have no idea what he thinks about that. I have no clue. And she said I don't care. He's just proud of you. Yeah.


Competitive with you. Yeah. This is so telling about the kind of people that I date like.


So he's not like trying to get in your videos he doesn't like.


Oh no, no, no. He's just excited when he can quit his job. I mean he could quit now, but he's very like he's the type of person that he has to be working and doing something, you know.


So he's like, I'm not what would I do if I quit, you know? Do you feel on social media this like hustle to put stuff out? Like how do you like?


I think everyone's kind of struggling right now with like, how much do I how do I need to be like? Is it always in the back of your mind? Like, I suppose that's I should record this. Oh, yes and no.


Like, I would rather put out a good video than a bunch of mediocre does so.


And people they're always like, you know, we did another video. We need a movie. I don't have any ideas.


It's also like the reason you like it is because you I left you wanting more. Yeah. I mean, yeah.


Good friends will let you take a break. Yeah. If they really care about you they're going to want you to have it. You need a moment. Yeah. You don't see Beyonce tap dancing everyday do you.


Like literally she will Beyonce and Donald Glover do it right. They go away. Yeah. I'm going to I'm going to film this one. It's the best. And they come back with a masterpiece and then they just drop it in like midnight.


You're like, oh shit with. No, but I didn't forget about you. Yeah.


Our fears. Are they going to forget about me? What if I'm not in? They're like, oh no, I don't think that.


No I don't. I have this dream. No, no. But I will think oh man. I had posted Instagram a couple of weeks.


I'll just, you know, take a selfie or whatever, you know, like I'll do stuff like that. But anger. Yeah, but no, I don't I don't think no I don't think about that.


What's the most anything you've done that you would not really want to tell people back home? I always think about like what's done that they were like, when you go home, will you have to change the way?


Can you wear your Gucci shoes when you go home? Yeah, I haven't changed myself yet. I'm not going to do it.


Then I would say, OK, I still keep it pretty trashy.


I will say that OK, I would say no.


I ordered subway five days in a row. Postman I bought it.


That's garbage. Twenty seven dollars five days in a row for subway sandwiches.


Is that I think any of them that I felt like I was home, maybe a subway two and a half hours away and go back and read books away.


Oh my God. I keep it pretty trashy. I did though buy a Louis Vuitton bag and that was weird for me.


I bet I'm going in the store.


Well, I'm not a fashion person and I'm like, no, that's not it. I disagree with that. I realize you are a fashion, really? Yes, you're a fashion. I think you are literally if Tumblr wasn't dead and gone, you would be all over. Wow. I think you are definitely street fashion 100 percent. The stuff about the shirt, I was like, literally.


Thank you. This is like this is Benton's area of expertise. OK, you're so wrong.


OK. OK. OK, sorry. Well I don't feel like a fashion person and I'm definitely not a label or like expensive brand person, but I'm not weird about people that are.


Oh if you want to go, you know, go get your shit. But I saw this bag on Instagram and I was like a screenshot of it and I had it in my screenshots for like almost a year, OK? And I kept thinking about this bag and I'm like, I'm not a Louis Vuitton type of person.


And then I had gotten paid from something to go, bitch, I'm going to Louis Vuitton.


And I went and bought it. And I, I did feel really weird. And then even carrying it, I'm like, oh my God. And I posted a story and some I saw it in the back.


I got a bunch of DM's girl, you got Louis Vuitton. I'm like, oh my God, I was embarrassed.


I'm like, Why? How come you don't deserve that? That's my thought process. Why don't you deserve something you worked for?


I come from I don't shame it's not. What do they keep telling us? It was a class traitor class. Yeah. I like the idea that like once you get that sense. Yeah. But it's, it's, there is a shame around I think.


I mean I'm like attitude. I'll order something, I'll return something that was thirty dollars. That's a nose. I'm like I'm still so precarious with money.


I think you're also by 18 different types of wrapping paper.


So that's, you know, give or take. You could have asked me to, but it's just like it's just like that you're if for a year you were thinking about who says you don't deserve that, that's OK.


Yeah. And also, I'm the first person to go, like, don't waste your money on dumb shit, but a purse is like that is an investment in yourself and it's carrying it with you everywhere.


And it's like we've all had the shitty purses that we go through three a year.


Yeah. This is one you're going to have for the rest of your life. Yeah. And that's what that's what I thought.


And spending nice things is not the same as judging people for not having them.


But if you're not going into debt, if it's not making your life manageable, if your kid's not starving or going to college because you're like not there's debt addiction is a very real thing. Yes, but that's not right.


You don't need it. But if you want to have it, there is that. Yeah. And yeah, that's weird. And then my siblings. Yeah. Two sisters above. I'm the oldest. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah.


And they were both like what's this.


They're like you bought like were you allowed to have like did you have lots of toys as a kid. Did you have stuff. No stuff. There was no stuff. Yeah. Stuff is like a weird.


Yeah but I'm, I was going to say you've built an identity outside of objects so by that you're just like I really need this to be myself. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my. Like if you want it go for it.


My one of my sister's ass she was like you went to the Louis Vuitton store and I was like yeah. And she was like what was that like. I go honestly I'm like a lot. It felt like I was walking in Target and Banana. I didn't care.


It wasn't even like a security guard did try to drag me out. So weird. The other thing and you wanna start profiling, you want us to call you and you're like, no, I want you to give me this one thing. Leave me alone.


Yeah. Yeah. No, I didn't I wasn't like it didn't feel any different from me walking into a Wal-Mart and bought a bag. Yeah. At all Dolly Parton mentality.


I can fly first class or plumb in the bag. Oh wherever I am is right where I belong.


So where's the purse. I literally I never it's still in the bottom. I'm return.


No I carried it for like I got a little more than a year ago and I carry it for year and I just changed to that person.


I don't know, I just like to change that. Yeah. I, I'm so interested. Like you should get a Gucci fanny pack. Oh well it fit around my waist.


We one of my favorite things get an extender is when superstud my favorite things.


When Super Southern people get a ton of money they spend their money on is so funny to me.


Cattle like just that out. Yes. It'll be like a pimped out tractor.


I'm like can we like whenever I see a lawn mower with rims. I don't like what one k can we say this money. What is like the biggest. That is that the biggest amount of money you spend.


No I bought a I've bought, I bought two car two vintage cars this year. Oh OK. Yeah I bought a nineteen seventy eight Lincoln Town car. OK. And it's bad ass baby blue.


Oh. And that you make it blue. Nope. It's all original.


It's set in a garage for forty years. Amazing. The inside is baby blue clouds. It looks like it's like you're sleeping. It's like you're sitting on clouds to do it.


Oh my God. That's like and I. Can you drive it. It's my daily driver except when I come to L.A. because I'm scared it's going to break down you know.


Yeah, yeah, yes. And then I bought a night. I think it's a 1977 Dodge Ram Charger truck.


It's a big old truck that will let me have one because you don't need it for anything. What are you doing? Get a vintage. We used to. I just we used to I guess I just when I was a kid, we'd sit in the back of the truck with the. Dogs swim in the back of the truck. Yes, we know we put we put what's called a tarp, a tarp and then put water in. Yeah, many people, we never did that.


We so dangerous. We swim in a horse trough. Yeah.


Oh, yeah. That's what everybody does. I used to love sitting in a horse trough is dead serious.


And now we know how convinced that horse is that what you want out there is the message you want to send. We used to drink out of a hose.


Oh yeah.


My grandma used to say this in the front yard, literally pour soap and squirt us. That was our bath to Creek.


Yeah. Sometimes we used to bathe in the mud. You yeah. You get more dirty from your washing.


And I know there's some stuff that just like sticks with you that you're like, no, that was still the best way to do it.


Like my aunt would, she'd blow dry her hair over. There was a heating vent on the floor.


I guess that's is the I guess. Yeah.


Yeah. I've never been convinced that heat comes out of.


Yeah, but I've never seen that in California. Really. On the floor. Yeah. In in Roanoke, Virginia, there's a huge heating that it must been this big and we get out of the shower and you just put your heart over it and turn it on.


And that's how we blow dry.


Trooper all of the vents on the ceiling, there's a wow in in in Virginia, in the south where there's vents on the floor. Yeah.


That's where my house. Yeah, it's you cook.


You can like to I mean I'm one of my favorite things to do as a kid was go to the pit but the chirp chirp.


It's so much a church but it's up. It's like a rock.


Oh it's called gravel Paul. Yeah. So they're gravel. We call it chirp. Oh I didn't know giant. It's just a giant but go ahead.


I'll go hang out the gravel pile. Yeah. All the time. And I would be obsessed. I was just like it. There's nothing there.


It's just rocks literally a pile of rocks as big as this. Yes.


I would climb and fall down and I know again this great it is like dad sitting there like I could never climb.


Well, it's just that's why I would like my friends.


Kids are on their phones all the time. It's like we used to climb piles of rocks and fall down. You want to go back to that? Is Snapchat really that bad for kids?


Do you want to go back to that? Yeah. So just like literally just jump off like old sewers. You like to jump off that thing.


Like my dad used to have me track deer in the woods. He would shoot a deer and he was like kind of not hit it perfectly on purpose. But when I go find that deer, I was to walk around tracking the blood.


I found it. Oh, I hit back. I was like, oh, great, what an adventure.


I thought I was like, so cool because Benton just isn't crazy.


Deer hunting knows that Naumov an adventure.


I mean, no, I now know how you're able to drag me from meeting to meeting you practice literally Beduins job and then you drag a corpse. Oh my God.


And then they make us skin the deer and he and he be like bite the liver. That's all you have to you have to bite. Yeah I knew that.


I knew that. Why you ever popped it. You have no idea your stomach.


It's like a weight. I don't know.


Why do people do that. It's like a it's like. It's like a rite of passage or ritual. Yeah.


It's like, oh, you like the liver just to make sure it's just like how you feel a cantaloupe and make sure it's right now you just get it before you throw away, you just throw the ball almost like a I don't know how to explain it, but I know what you're talking about.


It's just like you didn't really kill this year to your body. It's like, yeah, you're you're right. Yeah. Yeah.


It's a weird feels like it feels like a prank. You were abused.


That's something that's out there, like almost every house has, like a place where you hang a deer to school every like almost every house.


Yeah. Mm. One here and you got the heads in their pool. Yeah.


Here it's just doctorate's babies in the back of the restaurant.


Oh I hope you'll come back. Oh are we done. Well no I. Oh no we're not.


Come back. We say that. No, no, no no no. I'll come back, I'll come back as Thami if you want I well whatever you want is me.


I want to talk more about your boobs. Let's do it. What is your plan like.


Are you like what's going to happen when you have a kid you're breastfeeding? Well, don't know if that's happening. We'll say. I don't know if you want kids.


No, no, she's breastfeeding.


Well, every year that goes by the lesson I never wanted kids, but it was always like, you know, where we're from.


That's what you do.


You have a kid by nineteen. That's just what you do. And so I always just thought I would.


And then we got married. I was like, oh, like, let's wait.


I just got a kid. I haven't got any. Tami, that would be great. Oh, my gosh. Tiny TV. Yes. Oh yeah. There's a whole lot more vintage cars.


Right, right. I don't know. I'm not, you know anything about it. I know. And Greg's kind of the same way. He's like whatever you want to do. And every year that goes by the less and less. And so I don't know but I wouldn't say never, but. What was I saying, they just don't know just about having kids and grandkids, if you want them or not. Oh, yeah, I don't know.


What do you think? It's because I don't mean that's rude anyway. But do you think it's because like in towns or like or like places like we grew up, people don't there's not a lot to do for yourself. So you have a kid has something to do almost. Yeah. In some kind of way.


Yeah, for sure. I think that and the pressure that people put on you. Yeah.


Oh to every question, every question is where are you going to go for your boyfriend to get a girlfriend at a type followers.


Get a job. Job. I hit a million followers. Yes I have that. I have a Louis Vuitton purse. This is my baby.


Yeah I have a designer personality. Yeah. Let's talk about that. Like, yeah. You're breastfeeding the purse. Yeah, I just had tits. You won't talk about me.


I just hired a nanny to take care of the press. It is basically the first Louis Vuitton purse. It is like having a baby. You're like watching it. You're just like making sure it's OK. Rubbing it down. Yep. Like making sure everything's quiet. Yeah. Yes.


It's six million followers are be throwing it out the back of the car. You have eight of them like fuck this purse, set it on fire.


Oh my God.


No, but I just I'm obsessed because I got breast implants and I'm terrified that I won't be able to breastfeed.


Oh, and apparently the bigger the boob doesn't mean the more the milk. You could not be able to breastfeed, which would be amazing. Really ironic tragedy.


Yeah, I heard that.


Well, this is science, but the bigger I mean, you know, it's OK to not be able to breastfeed, you know, the bigger audience that bigger the breasts, the more likely you are to have breast cancer because there's more tissue.


So that's why I stopped wearing our deodorant, our salt spray, for eight years now, because I'm like that aluminum deodorant.


You can't play around with that. And I was like, I'm not I got I got three times the the normal average woman has. I'm not going to, you know what I mean. So, yeah. I don't know why I brought this up.


No, it's because I asked you about it. OK, ok. This is a good PSA. It's bigger. If you got the bigger tits you have, the more one skyrockets the.


Yeah. Your chances. Have you ever done. You're not old enough to get a mammogram. Why. I have had one. You haven't. Huh. Is that her. Oh sorry. I grabbed my boobs when I talk about them. I don't know why they don't feel like they're mine so I kind of am like sorry how fresh or that of Hollywood is like Hollywood.


You're like these on like their mind because I don't know what they like. I don't even belong to everyone else.


I don't even ask for myself to touch myself. I don't even ask permission. I sexually harass myself in voluntarily.


These are like three years old me.


OK, we've had them a minute. Yeah.


I've had him admitted that I had other ones before, but when you get breast implants it does cut through some of the ducks or something.


Yeah. There's only one problem with boobs. I'm just upset because I didn't have them for so long. I was so jealous of women that did. And the women I know that have big ones, it's such like a hassle for them.


It's like one of those things like I'm jealous of small titties. Yeah. And if you're blonde, you want dark hair. If you know. So it's like, oh yeah, it'll never end. Yeah. You know.


But do you remember the fact that you like a Western gem in the hologram. OK, I don't, I don't know. I know, I'm sure you're right, but I don't know what the references. But you know. OK, I know Gem in the hologram. Stacy, thank you. I don't know all these references.


Well that was someone else then. Oh thank you. Someone a lot of people listening to this are laughing hysterically or having a good time in their cars. But more. More but Armie Hammer in your boobs.


Well, my goal for my tits is to every year put out a calendar and every year watch them get sagheer and sagheer. And I'm dead serious.


But if you don't wear a bra, they're going to get sagheer. See, I know it's a yes, of course. Yes.


But when they weigh seven pounds apiece, I don't think a bra is going to you know, that's to stop some of the pull.


I mean, I don't know. I wore a bra my whole life up until a couple of years ago, and they didn't do shit for me.


How do you sleep? I you know what, I, I can't sleep on my back because they'll just yell. They go, they disappear, suffocate it is it.


That is what's so funny about real boobs. No matter how big they are, when you lay down your you have no boobs, not flat chest. That's the thing about boobs as you lay down and they, they are the same position they were, they're like alligator eyes. There's like they do not go anywhere.


You're like go to sleep, you know, like she says to this guy, I mean, they're used to when you lay down them, just disappearing the.


Can you sleep on your stomach. I don't. Because of my skin. OK, OK. I can't sleep.


But also from the surgeries like I had to sleep like this, like on my back for them to heal. And then I got used to sleeping on my back and I sleep like I'm in a coffin.


OK, how did you train yourself to do that. I'm always so confused. People like you have to sleep on your back. I'm asleep. How I did. I know I did it because I was so insecure about my skin and face for so long because I had such bad acne, I would get such bad acne. And it was from like oil. And a doctor told me it's like from the oil on your pillowcase. It's just so I learned this is, I know, crazy, I sleep with noise canceling headphones on and straight up so that my face doesn't touch the pillow while I'm sleeping and all the product stays on my face throughout the night.


I know this sounds fucking insane.


I sleep on my back, too, but when I wake up, I'm definitely not.


Oh, no, no.


Interesting. No, I literally go to sleep like, wow, I woke up like this and you stay that way, like, am I like a psychopath. Yeah. Yeah.


No, I'm a side sleeper and a stomach sleeper and I just have to learn how to situate each to to get comfortable that I'm able to sleep.


You have to. Yeah, yeah. It's a it is a it's like a full time job.


I'm like, oh and if I'm like in a deep sleep and I don't control where my titty is, I will wake up and it's the most painful and it gets numb, you know, like when your arm falls asleep, like my titty dude, it's like when you wear a ponytail for too long story.




Crickley is like feeling so it's a whole it's a whole thing when I'm starting to manage. Mm hmm. Mm hmm.


They're a full time job where your sisters in Oklahoma know they're here in San Diego with me.


Nice. They they one of them lives with me, the one with kids. So her and my two nieces live with me.


She's a manager of a plumbing company office. I don't know.


We don't really talk about her. We don't it's now. So I don't I don't really care. You should design a Tammy titty pillow.


Oh. Oh, that kind of thing.


It and I know I know so many women that like you know that it's like funny and amazing, but that are like it's hard to sleep, it's hard to buy clothes. It's, it's oh those are the southern women. You can whatever.


Why don't you mind. That's true. Yeah that's true. Why not. I don't know. I think I will. I'm working on it. I would love to do like a clothing line. Yes. And I'm already like it's just in my head.


This is the first time I ever said it out loud. Not you know, not any time soon. I want to work on other stuff, but I thought, man, that is so cool. Like down the road to just fashion icon. Yes.


Thank you. And it's your shirt still for sale with all the boobs on it. Oh yeah. My eight year old niece design that. I'm obsessed with that I'll send you I got yours merch and almost wore it and I thought that's too cheesy. Not for me.


Yeah. Oh Hilary Duff or anybody like hey yeah.


I had Guy to get it from China. Oh yeah, it's Hilary Duff.


But now my eight year old niece, this, this was like two years ago. She by six was just drawing tits one day and they were all the same.


And I go once you change the tits up and draw different, she's she was in a phase where she was obsessed with boobs obsessed.


And I had posted it.


And please put this on a shirt, please put the shirt. And it is our best selling shirt.


It's the best I love.


Hey, how about you could be in races, draw some other boobs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Diversity and we can never post this on.


Well and then she started drawing like really great different boobs and I was like, how does she know about all the how does she know, what does this breath spectrum of like what are you watching.


Never mind. OK, you just knew. She doesn't know so but there's so many and I learned this one and I talked about that my last special about when I went to the sex robot factory and built a custom sex robot thing, they had this wall of nipples like all these nipples you could get.


And in my head, like every guy wants, like a perfect like like a C Cup with the nipple just right in the in the whole thing. Sixty percent of the requests, the men requested nipples to be bigger than the boob like big nipples is a big thing. And a lot of men requested the nipples to go down. Well, that's a lot of women's nipples. Do not go up. Do not go out. Yeah.


There's also just like this this like like demystifying of like what boobs are supposed to look like. They're all supposed to look like this like porn body. But yeah. No boobs don't look like that. Know where I got my boobs are different sizes. I had one any one outi nipple and they like just we're like running on each other. They were like not even in the same mind at all.


Yeah. You could have done some in and out uh some spots, some spots in and out.


I got a partner so you can put money taking money off the table like it's just like it's so that's shocking to know really.


Yeah. I would think they would pick you know, no guys are.


It's not it's like it was like it like was made me like this narrative like all men just want a size zero with look these are men requesting a custom body to fuck and they're, and they're requesting that they and the biggest complaint is that the all the bodies were too thin.


They didn't come in bigger sizes because it was too heavy to carry because you're like they need to make a lighter weight.


Skeleton of the whatever the metal inside, they are making it fiberglass. It was just too heavy to carry around it just now.


How did you say custom body to fuck? Yes, I did. Wow. That's close L.A. thing.


And that's everyone's body in L.A.. I just feel like this. Yeah.


At the sex robot factory.


Wow. This is like all of nipples. It's a very Ted Bundy, Charles. They got to really see they got it bad. And everybody says while the nipple of nipple, the wall of all the nipples you could choose from and the most popular one.


Wow. Was really big nipples on a small boob. Wow. OK.


And then guys picked they wanted the boob to be imei the nipple to sort of be on the end instead of like. Oh, yeah, OK, yeah, I'm only one of hamster feeders.


Yeah, how do you clean under your boobs? Oh, I literally that's like I've thought that every time I see one of your videos. Oh yeah. I, well I literally just pick it up and I'll just wash it.


You got to. Yeah.


You got, I always am like does she have to like. Yeah but like is it um yeah.


I literally have to pick them up and clean them just like you would foreskin a ball sack.


Yeah yeah yeah yeah.


I mean I'm like I feel like she has to pick it up. I'm like does she get in the bath. And I had a.


Yeah. Yep. That's exactly how it works. Let's take a washcloth clean car wash.


Seven fifty seven. One city at a time.


OK, are you in still doing any more of these shows. Yeah. Where, where can we find you. Everything. Oh God. Back on the good for your podcasts.


I'll be back I hope. Please have me back and please have me back just to hang out with you all.


I'm obsessed with you. I did. I've, I've in my head we've been really good friends for the past year.


My friend Lucy talks about you probably every day to me and from Zanies Nashville.


I love her. Oh my God. OK, yeah. Hey, just search me Googling you on everywhere. Instagram, Chelsie, if you're not following your Veny, that would throw people off.




VLSI no HPLC. I see.


Chelsea, aren't you ever heard of it or just words. Words like that. Yeah. They don't out that name for Hogzilla or search trailer trash Tamme. I have pages you'll find me to also. Yeah. The calendar. The hot gifts.


Yeah. Valentine's Day gift. Yes.


It's also like yeah. Your videos are like they make my friendship stronger.


I love you. Thank you. I even know how, how meaningful that was that I was like what friend's name.


Um yeah. Name. Um who. People don't talk to me anymore because all I do is they want to know what it's like, like we're like bonds people. Yeah. Reading now is so divisive like like look at this meme. That's not funny. Like everyone's such an expert. I'm not like your videos is like universally like we're fucking laughing at.


Thank you. There's no like political like I'm not you're not yelling at me. You're not lecturing me. You're not telling me how to live. It's just like this is what comedy is supposed to be. Thank you. Yeah.


Well, you know what's funny is those OK, I did one. All right. You know what they are?


It's just people eating, which I don't like. When you eat, I'm like, it's important to me the fact that you just said that. And I'm like, I'm like starting.


Well, they started blowing up on YouTube like three or four years ago. And these videos were getting like millions of you just talked about it.


I've tried to talk us into doing it. Malteser There's videos of famous people just, you know, non-enforceable and literally they'll they'll sit in front of the camera and some some of them don't even talk.


They literally just eat. It's just their mouth. And then some of them are like, how was your day? What did you guys do today? And it was for, like, lonely people to have dinner with people and then like Americans are doing as you tubers.


And I thought, this is the dumbest thing I've ever seen in life. So I wanted to do one as Tammy making fun of it.


Yeah. And only plan on doing one.


And it was my biggest viewed YouTube people were like, holy shit dude, it's all improv. I just make I just make shit up, you know, I just make up a story, whatever. And it's not even about the food. It's about me just sitting there thinking, thinking she's not good content. The way the way you go into this character, it's like it's like you're so in it.


Which makes me think this is the real character, by the way. You're so in it like I love watching trailer trash Tammy when she's not speaking, like when you're just when she's thinking because you're really thinking.


Tammy thoughts the. Oh yeah.


That's funny because I'm yeah. When I'm doing that I am still in character like when like what do I look for in a man.


Well Dick for starters.


And then she's like doing fat puts the energy that puts the energy.


It's that fat pussy energy like the way you'll just like think Tammy takes her time. There's no rush. Like I think comics that like that were brought up the way that I was brought up are like you.


There's this like desperation to the videos.


Now there's a desperation per minute. Yeah. And you're just like taking your fucking time and like, it's such a it's such a refreshing tone that I love the food you change.


You're like you're like fast foods going I give from a gas. He's like so realistic.


The character and the guy muscling people though to like just like there's one girl here that only does hot Cheetos, stuff like super hot sauce on everything. Yeah.


And I'm just like, yeah. How do you make a whole career out of that. That's crazy.


I overthink it. I mean it's like I try. Too hard, I'm like, I have to write something, we have to make something, we have to shoot it, we have to edit it, we have to put it together while it's like just eat on camera.


And you the controversy about the people that like this, mubanga doesn't swallow the food that.


Yes, he cares. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like I edit and spit it out dude. Yeah. So they just, they don't really see it.


Well and that's the crazy thing is they're all on the bangs are my most requested videos. They, if I write something and film something and edit something, a skit and it is so freaking funny it'll get some love but people just want to see Tammy eating in a car.


Dude is the weirdest thing. And yeah it does.


It's like it probably is that it takes the pressure off the audience to have to judge the content. Also when something is really highly produced I then have to go that was really good or that was. Yeah, that was what it's like. We're just doing the bare minimum here. So this is just this isn't you have to turn on your critical thinking like we're both checking out together.


Yeah. You know, there's no pressure to like this or not like this, which is why I like it so much. Yeah.


You know. Yep.


Yep. Like, I don't you're not making me feel stupid. You're not like I want to follow a story I don't have to like.


I've been watching that show, Your Honor. It's so fucking good. And I didn't even want to watch it.


It just like sucked me in with how compelling and good it was. And it's like frustrating to watch because it's like.


So good, and it's I've heard of it, yeah, it's on it's Bryan Cranston to show it's so good. OK, I'll watch it.


But I don't really watch dramas for this exact reason because I don't like it's like going into a haunted house. I'm like I don't like. Yeah, I turns out I don't like these twists and turns and all this tension.


I just kind of want to like check out with someone that's going to be funny is just sitting there chilling for an hour. Yeah. That's crazy.


Yeah. Because watching TV, I'm not realizing after watching podcasts and it's like kind of like work if you like, follow the story you have to like. OK, yeah that's true.


I mean that was bad acting like you had your brain still working. Yes.


I'm not fully checked out because I'm judging the show going well.


You know what show was better than this? He was better on the show and he was actually it was I guess the Breaking Bad was better. And this is better in that. And it's like whereas you watch him, I think it's like we're just fucking chilling.


Just chilling. Dude, isn't that crazy? Yes. That's a great way to make a grocery list. Yup.


Yup. Yeah. A great way to get out. Yeah. Some of these things I don't know. Oh my God. All right. I love you. We have to let you go at some point, OK? I love you. How do you feel? She was nervous in the beginning. Oh, I'm always nervous.


How do you feel. Oh this was after the first thirty seconds. Great. It's gone by so fast. I freaking love you all.


Thanks for having me. I'll be back. I love you I.