Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba going to be our tag tagline forever if you keep saying it, I feel like we need to course correct fast.

We have merged now to correct later is like something babies say yeah.

When they're pooping but bop bop very similar bop bop bop ahead of the times really. We have a couple announcements before we get to the jetty.

Interview Jedi's here. That's a big deal. Yeah.

That is a big decision is hard to gauge the number one best selling book on The New York Times and he's on our podcast. Remember when our podcast had a. Format with Ribbon was an after school special. And she was like, we're the guy, that's our word of the day. You guys ever heard the word Qaboos? You ever heard it? It's the back of a train using this thing in the right. Me text me how you use the word couples'.

Like, what the fuck are you doing?

I think it was just a way for you to be like, I'm a writer.

Have you guys ever been. Have you ever emoted immaculate moments? And you're like, what?

So I was going to suggest that we bring back the word of the day, but clearly that's just lame and so fucking lame.

It was dumb that you really call me we are adults and you call me and be like, OK, the word today is stroganoff. And like, I'm like, why?

You're like I heard it in a documentary and I'm like, you some context clues to figure it out. And you add these context clues. That's truly I figure everything out.

It's not even a joke. So the word of the day, no one liked it and no one told me. I'm sure some loser out there liked it. But it's not the main fanbase. Our main fan base, like jokes and Tedi's Tedi's.

Yeah. Oh well then I then have something for the fans today. I don't like that one.

Well no I mean I, you know, I want to share this on the podcast.

I'm going to get my honourable eye this past weekend. Yeah. Saturday sent the first photo of my boobs in a bra to a man that I've sent in literally five years of my boobs and bra.

I'm back in the game, so to speak. I'm back out there and I'm texting with this guy who's in another city. And I was like, you know, I'm going to do a photo of my Tay's. I'm going to send a photo of my titties. And I did. And I forgot. First of all, I forgot how long it feels between the time you send it. At the time he was of all eternity.

It feels like a lifetime in fetal position in the corner. Know that he's standing by before you send a picture of your titties. No, he's somewhere close to his phone. Oh, yeah.

Because then you start noticing why this picture could've been better. I could've done this and go.

I could have started sending it to all my friends. Like, does this look crazy? These aren't even look, why isn't he responding like and they were like, this is harassment.

This is we're calling H.R. my friendships have an H.R. department. That's that's that's what a lot of Hollywood we're not that far away from that dumb shit. But he basically it took like ten minutes for him to respond. And dude, the little three dots came up DataDot. I'm standing there fucking willingly. What is he going to say and then the what he's think I've done for this bitch, then roll back. You weren't wearing a bra, right? Yes, I was wearing a bra.

Now a white bra bronzer.

We still find lingerie sexy, right? It's not like wearing a swimsuit at this point.

Look, here's what I'll say. I do think lingerie and underwear and swimsuits are the same, but I don't I'm not I won't send after a couple dates my nude. Body, that's. I'm not an long duration, I'm not a whore, but you sent your picture.

Do you have a boner from thinking about me naked? No.

Can we stop talking about my genitals on this podcast, please?

If people love it, ask him, do you have a boner, you just said that to my face. What do we call it, defeat, we don't call it anything. What are you doing? What do with my best friend? Oh, oh hold on. Like what do we call her? The hard on. The hard on.

I'm telling you, I'm getting back in the game and I need help. Cut a. Big raging cock, I think, is always the word kind of a sexier word, good, I hate pussy.

I think it's a stupid dick leak. Can I I'm trying to think, yeah, I need to work up my dirty talk caucas way down here.

Let me see that cock. Yeah, it sounds like I don't know.

I don't I don't like it's like a it's not a dick or in other words for it Wainer a Bergert tube.

Oh gross. OK, we have to get back to my boobs because I sent a picture of them. Speaking of Bergert, I sent a picture of them and I didn't realize till after I sent it. That I had lotion because, you know, I like to lube up my face. There's a reason I look like a newborn babe all the time, never not moisturizing. And I actually take on moisturizer and I keep it on all day.

You're a slug. I look you leave a snail trail. It's like. It's like I look like I have kabuki makeup on at all times. Am I allowed to say that?

No, you didn't read my canceled. And so I send the photo, wait 10 minutes for the response, then realize I've sent him a photo of me with my boobs and I have a big glob of lotion on the side of my chin. I don't even know if you have a that picture, dude, I mean, ha, you guys don't zoom in on titty photos, you don't think of zooming in on your chin. He's trying to see how big your areolas are.

Dude, it's a glob of lotion. It looks like does he think I was trying to send him a money shot?

Worst case scenario, that's how he pictured the photo anyways. So honestly, you just save some time.

Like I have fucking Luber term on my chin.

Looks like I mean, it looks like I just finished a sandwich, a hoagie.

I just Deep Throat it a hoagie son. Yeah. I used my love clam chowder. Oh, God, how embarrassing. I'm sure he did. Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot zoomin.

Sloppy bitch. Side note, though, if you send that photo to someone and they go, you look on your face, that's canceled.

I mean, what do you think I'm going to show you? I'm not going to show you guys the topless photo, obviously, because I'm classy. I class it up.

Yeah, you can you can Google the other photo. Do you think that's a good photo? That's a great photo. Oh, that that is fully on a broad photo.

That's a nude photograph. What I know you think that because you have mesh over your nipple that it's not nude.

I can I can see your boob that you're nude in that picture. No, I'm not going to be your nude.

That is at best. That's, um, spaghetti noodles you wrapped around yourself. Do I am I a slut?

No, I don't believe in that. But if you did, would I be? No. Was this too much? Because I talked to Esther and Annie, who no one should ever take any advice from, and they told me there was another one that I was going to stand by. I was like covering my boobs with no bra. And they were like, that is way too sexy.

Do not disturb both female comedians.

So, you know, female comedians are like averse to being sexy because of all the stigmas that go along with it.

I know, but I'm just I just they were I think for me, because I'm a little bit older, we used to go a little harder in my day. Now you got to sort of like you got two guys.

And it is you know what? I wear the body. James, you were going rough but wet before I was successful. I could be more sexually aggressive. But now that I people see me as dominant and alpha, I have to be like like in relationships or in sexual situations.

I have to be like me. What, like I have to be a little like, yeah, you know what I'm saying. Well you know that then, because that's white lace. It's even though we can see through it, you look like a maiden, like a spring just came the first blood.

But I have to for guys to feel like they're dominant over me, I have to like be like like handicapped.

I have to be like, well, I need to get like a cast like your Gypsy Blanchard. You're just like you're just a make a wish patient. You're like, I wish for that big please.

Like that's you to get me at a Motel six. Doesn't care about a fake cast like Ted Bundy did. That's how we got girls.

We're going to have an IV drip.

I just mean, like I what they made me realize is you it has to be more if we did word of the day, we'd have some adjectives for this.

But like impish and sweet and fish, I hate sexist.

I hate the word girly because that's it.

Just I hate that shit. But like, I have to be like a little innocent little Bo Peep, like, yeah, me.

You have to be a maiden. You have to be someone who's like place only your dick inside me. Now please. I can't carry my hefty boobs. Please carry them for me the feel but male like that's what you have to be.

It's very stupid.

You know, I'm just saying like I, I think white lingerie and less aggressive, like I said, a photo that was too aggressive. That's what I'm trying to get to. I was too aggressive. I thought a pretty aggressive OK. It is aggressive, but I don't think that I mean that you think I show my nipple, I should show my nipple. It I think you want that, though, I think that you sending a picture like that, if you want a guy who's going to be OK with you being aggressive is going to be like going to match that.

I don't know. I don't know. Human nature doesn't really work that way. But thank you. Thank you so much. Well, that worked out great, except for how do you respond. Oh, my God. We haven't even said how we responded. So we don't know how it worked out, actually.

Here's to you. The fans will decide. Do I say viewers or listeners? Friends, fans. That sounds that's embarrassing. That sounds like self aggrandizing.

Yeah. I realize there is no good way for a man to respond to a newday.

There's nothing you have to say that's going to get me out of my insecurity spiral once I've sent it, except maybe the emoji where the head is blown off.

Oh, the yeah. That was like three of those the water squirts. That's a good one. No, no, that's a good one. Now it's not that calm. Yeah. No, hell yeah. That's a great one. Here the blow up brain emoji.

I think the squirts are good. The draw face emoji looks like, you know, I don't know emojis in general, though.

I don't I don't. I like to talk in hieroglyphics.

Just look at what's good, hot. No, it's not it's two to two, Kurt, hot period, yeah, no periods. This guy wrote back. Oh, good. OK, my producer just held up the red emoji face with the teardrop.

That's good. I like that.

But then it's like I'm picturing you going into your most used emojis, like, do you use that emoji a lot that now I don't feel special or you like scrolling and looking for it. He wrote back that. So you ready? Wow. Period, period. Wow. Wow. Period. I don't know if I would like that. It's just all it's it's Warshak Test, it's open for interpretation. Is it like wow or is like, wow.

Well either way, I bet if you said wow, I want to say Weilbach, you're like, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

You sure. Yeah. I think I wrote that back. I wrote you sure. That's your response.

And then I got really combative because I was so insecure. Always you're so vulnerable.

And also it's actually I was in such a spiral taking nude photos of myself which by the way to send one photo of myself in a bra, I took truly 70 photos. My photo album looks like an only fans account.

Yeah, I think that women and probably bottoms put a lot of work into sending nude photos as opposed to.

But here's what else. I got super distracted too, because I was taking photos of myself and then I really I started noticing like new models and I was like, wait a second, that's a new mole.

And they're like, shit, I need to send this to my dermatologist. That's what happens when you take nudes. As you get older, you're like, wait a second. Does that mole changing? That's good. You're just catching a wider net. What are they what are what are the things? Size, color, shape, shape that diamond rings or moles like you remember.

But I think the taller cut carat cancer. Everyone has seen a nude picture, right? Of course, everyone has.

It's the most vulnerable thing you can do because you put on this time and now you're also like it's like the ultimate rejection, too, because you think this picture is good. Do are we putting our face in our notes?

I think that you probably shouldn't is putting your face in your nudes like using a Discman at this point. Am I like outed by such an idiot? They're not fun to take. I got to be honest with you.

I get anxious, I get stressed out. I get worried because I like to see this is why I'm comic. I like to see someone's involuntary, instantaneous reaction. Otherwise, I don't believe them.

It's like, you know what it is. Because then when I was like, oh, God, you you look amazing. It's like, oh, what if he's just doing the thing that I do when I see an ugly baby girl?

You know, you look so overcompensate if the baby is amazing. So, I mean, you know, when you like or when you see any woman in Hollywood, that's how they all react to each other.

Oh, my God. Oh my. Just starting ba ba ba ba ba. Like we're forty five star.

What are you talking about. Do you like receiving nude pictures. Not for man. Absolutely not. No never. Under no circumstance really.

I would like a copy of your credit report. Why do you not like it. I think it's this is sexist. I'm sexist. Buyology sexist. Sorry. I'm going to say it. I know what you're going to say. It's unattractive. It just it's just not. It looks it's just God, I'm trying to be PC here.

It's bitch. I don't know. It's like you're trying to get my approval or my validation. Like, what is it.

OK, but is that all you want me to like or you just want me to think you're hot. Don't send me a nude photo, just don't respond to my text.

Yeah, I'm damage.

I'm just saying like it's just too thirsty. Like it's to like look at me. I'm the shit like when guys know they're hot, it's just not as attractive.

But are you talking about like full body nude, like when they're taking in a mirror or do you mean like just a dick, like picturing a guy like putting their phone in selfie mode.

It's just like on a track coming.

Do you like just a dick pic, a picture of a no no.

So you're saying that just for him and you want nothing in return?

The nude pictures I used to send, they're out of style. That was very good. Do you think I did OK? I think that was really in style. I think the only thing you could do is, you know, maybe set a self timer and move further back.

That feels a little like that is what you're doing, though. You're posing for a photo. I think you need to see your arms in the photo. I think well, otherwise, he's going to be like, who took that?

Sometimes I would if someone sent me a photo of them on self timer, I would think someone else took it. When you take a self timer photo for a man, I have never done that. I think that puts more like that to me is sexy. And you're like, oh my ticktock password. I don't know. I use self timer. You have all.

But that's just like saying like this is for you. I set it up. I did this just for you.

Yeah, that's hot.

Can you run this podcast more smoothly please. Go work on it. So, you know, some restaurants around the world are using dining bubbles.

Did you know that this is the part we do news?

I didn't know this is news from around this time.

I mean, look, you didn't like when I organized things because we did vocab words. So let's see. Let's see how it goes when you run it. Shit. Technically, this was still your idea.

Yes, I'm rationale for using dining bubbles. So you're putting people in bubbles to eat their meal. Venton recovered for safety. It's like it's like a being in a pod. It's like being in a Ziploc bag, you know, so gross.

That would be especially with your if you're with your friend, the order is like salmon. Fettah have a poppers. You're just sitting in a Ziploc bag of heat and stench in the town grow.

I mean, like just when first dates can get more awkward. Now you're in a giant condom with your person.

Yeah. Let's put them in a snow globe, see how that works out. That's kind of amazing, actually. Like that's really what you're all doing.

Although I do like the idea of me being physically away from people, but still having the ability to see and judge them like that is if I'm going to do it, I need to be able to see what everybody's doing.

Well, here's the thing with me.

When I go out to restaurants, I'm the person that wants to look at other people's meals and ask them how it is. I'm that bit like, how are the chicken fingers? Are they good? They good? Oh, that's good. I do. That is also something you should know anyway.

When you go to any restaurant, any place where there is food, she does not look at the menu. She just starts naming foods. She likes you just like give quiches.

And they're like like this is an auto parts thirty three Oreo cookies.

And so does the amount of time that you put in a place and ask for a quiche is shocking to me.

I mean and then we'll argue why you should quiches here. Are you sitting here all the time.

I'm also the person that goes in the store is living with the crazy Diegan about this yesterday, namedrop. I'm the customer that goes into his store because I was telling her about your joke about how when you're working in retail, people walk up to you and ask if it's the price, is the price, is this the price?

And then she goes, yeah. Also when she worked in a boutique, she was like, people always ask if there's more in the back, like they think there's so much in the back. Oh, my God, I'm the person. It's like, do you have another size in the back? Do you have more of these in the back? You know, it's in the back. Employees crying and eating microwave food. That's literally what's going on the back of that room.

I think darkrooms, there's just sterilely microwavable lunches. And then one person on a phone like cry. It is not there's nothing back there for you. It's a sad stockroom of a store is the saddest place on Earth. I, I think of this dog group is like like the North Pole.

I think there's like elves and Santa's little wooden hammers. I feel like they're just like it's like Narnia, just like everyone does clothes. But then like and they get mad.

They'll be like, oh, is there anything back? They're just they're not so.

So when they go back, what takes them so long?

They'll like if you go to Bloomingdale's, you're like, it's a break. You told me you go to the back. They pretend they're like you're going through this labyrinth of shoe sizes.

I just sit in the back when I worked at Sephora, I would sit in the back and I would text you to try to get dates to go on tour. That that's all the tickets you got before you knew me. That's what I was doing, checking the bag. So someone go, can you check in the back? And I go like that. I sure will. I would eat. I would make food. I would do anything if it's a check of back.

And then you come in the back, go, oh, sorry, I looked everywhere because I already told you we didn't have it. So if you want me to go on this wild goose chase, you can wait a minute, because when I come back, we're not going to have it. If we had it, why would I not want to sell it to you? That's my whole job. Why would I not want to give you the product?

I would do anything to make people.

Can you I can you check the back? Yeah, I'd be like, absolutely. And then I would just be gone. Please feel like there's more in the back in your line.

I mean I would stay gone for twenty, thirty minutes. Yeah. And I'm like oh he's really looking down.

I'd be like I looked everywhere. I'm so sorry. I called some other, I called other stores for you. Is that a real. You can do that. But I fully lie. I to people would ask me guess somebody had a bad attitude but if you check another store I would fully just get a computer and start clicking the key.

They can't see the computer. And I was like, oh my God, it's sold out everywhere. Came in check that way you have to call.

Being rude to Rita employees does not benefit you. Nobody cares if you come back, nobody cares if you shop there anymore, nobody cares. You have no ownership in the company. Yeah, those people are working minimum wage there all day long. Don't give a shit if you ever come back or if you get a lipstick or a couch or a plant.

This podcast went off the rails. That's good information. People don't know. Yeah, no, I agree. I agree.

What else is going on in the news, Venton, or the zeitgeist, if you will? Oh, man.

You know what that means is that guy sialic the overall like everywhere does like an overall being of things. I'm not stupid.

I went to college. I know. I'm just saying, if we had word of the day, maybe you would be able to define that more clearly. But we don't.

Zygi is like you exist within. It's a thing that people it's like a collective conscience we all know.

Yeah, that's actually true. Yeah, OK. We're not at that out. We're going to edit out, you know, so much mass. Yeah. People are wearing. Did you hear OK?

No, here's the thing, OK. So I went out into the world recently. Finally, since we're going on tour, which we haven't told anyone about the new tickets on sale because we're too busy talking about my tits.

People think wearing masks around their chin is wearing a mask. And look, I David Agus is on the podcast. I believe in distancing. I believe in masks. I don't think you should wear a mask if you're alone in your car, you fucking dorks. I'm not super extreme about it, but don't wear a mask around people and then put it right, like under your chin like this and then think it's doing anything. You feel like it's like a guy when they get a Magnum condom and they don't need it.

That's all it makes me think about. It looks when you have a saggy ass, just take it out. Just don't wear it then. Just don't. Because now I have to look at this ball sack on your feet. You have ball sack, mask, sack.

Also, some people are just wearing it just under their nose. That's like putting on pants in them and then pulling your dick out the zipper hole and just being like, good enough. It's just like that's where all the gross stuff comes out of.

I don't know. It's so interesting to me that we all just wear masks. Now, remember when that was weird, if you saw this, we're just all leather face now, like we're all just in a kinky sex game all the time. Yeah.

Like now what am I going to do when I want to have sexy sex? I have to not wear a mask. You have to look at my face when you when I'm sexy, sexy.

I think that'll work out great. I don't know what to do with them.

Also, can I can I get one more thing about the mass? I'm noticing just as this is becoming normal, we need a watch with the fun masks. I feel like the fun masks have gotten a little. We're still depend on that, guys.

People are still crossing over. People are still dying in the streets. And people just have like the bucket. I walked through the grocery store. Just everyone's got a mass. It's like Toy Story. Yeah.

And like it's always so. And here's the thing. I mean, there's designers.

You got to watch the fun masks because you never know when you're going to get in an altercation and you're going to need someone to take you seriously. The other day, I like this guy, cut me off on the four or five and I was like, OK, an asshole, and he looked over, did not at all look scared of me. And I realized I had my mask on. It was cat whiskers upside down.

Yeah.

It's just you yelling at a man with a live laugh love mask on with a fuck. That said, please buy our funny masks. Please buy them.

What about designers making like nine hundred dollars face mask?

Well, that's just that's that's you know, that we call that capitalism a fucking racket. That's a racket. That's chicanery. A word from the pod from about seven months ago. Who remembered? Me, chicanery, chicanery that really wasn't even a member, it was it was a word of the word of the whatever pod we did. All right. We have to move on. This has gone on too long. We've been this is a rambling podcast, and I'm going to try to not edit the podcast.

I think that people will really enjoy this. You think really? No, because I have faith in me and you.

I mean, there's no word of the day. Nobody learned any vocab, but OK, I learned a lot of vocab.

Do we should we bring anything back that we used to do? I mean, fears and resentments.

People seem to like from what I could gather. Really? Yeah. I mean, people like him are nicknamed fearless. I think that I think they liked it because it was like we did this like really fun, goofy kind of segment. And at the end we told like personal like nice things, OK? And it made us normal, amicable.

They were like, oh, they're not clowns. Got it. Mm. Yeah.

I was like, OK, I could talk to you all demented.

But we need to talk about also the fucking tour, the tour which happens when it's come this week here we're going to be in Escondido. What day. Friday, the October 2nd. I have no idea what the October 2nd. I didn't do an hour of stand up somehow. Denver, I think we're sold out of all those shows. Cape Cod, October 15th. I don't think I'm famous in Cape Cod.

I don't know what is. I don't. Yeah, lobsters. I truly don't.

I tried to Google Cape Cod to see what was around there. And I was like, I think it's I mean, whatever Cape Cod, I'm coming there. I think it's a vacation destination for people whose grandparents waves, I don't know, coast.

We're putting it on the map. I don't know. But Cape Cod, we're going to be there on October 15th. We're going to get a drive in. It's going to be outside. So come on, let's go. I had my self-esteem. I don't want to go play for twelve cars.

It's going to hurt my feelings or you know what? Don't you know what? How about this? Don't buy tickets. I could you know. No, I, I can use some humbling right about now. Maybe it'd be good for me.

All the phones start ringing. All your managers like what the fuck are you doing. My publicist like what else. Oceanport, New Jersey. I'm going to be there October 18th. We're doing two shows, seven and nine thirty.

It's gonna be cold. I can't wait November 7th and 8th. Right. We're going to be at the midway. Are we going to be there two nights? I don't think I don't think the second night's on my website. Whitney Cummings is a dot com or dot gov.

I can never remember dot gov. Text me eight one eight two three nine seven five to seven. I've been sending out birthday messages to people every day. Yesterday I fucked up the date and people got very mad at me.

I was like, Hey guys, happy birthday, September 22nd, everyone or whatever the fuck day was. And I got it wrong.

And they're like, it's the twenty fourth. I was like, Jesus Christ, there's a gift. I know. It was like, God damn, they got really upset, tried to rerecord it, but I am sending out birthday messages every day and updates on shows and such. So go to the website. You know what to do bentonite.

I are both wearing new Mirch Neumar. Not yet available though.

Should be October eight, October eight. We're having a new March to March launch, but for now we've got masks and hoodies available on the site. Thanks for asking me.

Do we have the new stuff is going over really well into the night. It's a good song. Maybe. Wait a second.

Oh my God. Do I secretly want to sing like Vin Diesel? I think everyone secretly wants to sing. Really? Yeah.

I don't I don't drink karaoke. I don't think karaoke is fun or I'm like that. OK, why don't you just said to me I'm not the person it's like but I secretly just want to be a singer.

Papa, I have I put up a message, I have a text from you, you text me and you said should we do a segment on the podcast where I sing? Because sometimes I think I can.

I have a message. It says that you said something. I think I can.

And I said, if you want to know, it's a it's a written one. I have to find it. You really send it to me, have coffee coming out of my notes.

OK, I think we do a segment called Can Whitney Sing? Because sometimes I think I can wait, times I'm going to puke. Oh my God. That was so funny.

OK, I think yeah. I think I think what I was trying to say is like I sometimes think I can sing.

So I feel like we should do a segment where people let me know if I had like I think I could be a good singer, but I'm not sure if I'm going to do a walking contradiction.

I'm just to say I'm not that bitch who does karaoke. I'm not that bitch who sang. I don't know.

I don't do karaoke because I don't like watching people cover ruin a good song. I'm like, I'd rather just hear the original.

But you forcing people to listen to you sing, that is people like, wow, dang, I'm just like, get into rehab. You're a mess. Like I just for me, when people do karaoke, it's always just like all the people like me to do interventions on in my life. I'm like a god.

So it's like stresses me out because I feel like when you do karaoke that's when you find out which of your friends are alcoholics.

Do you like doing duets? No, I put your picture on.

They sat down and cried today and look at you lying next to.

I love that song. Me, too, even though Kid Rock, it's such a bummer that he's like Kuhnen, he's really ruining Nashville, but that's fine. What is his deal?

I his his did he do an American woman cover that was actually really sexy. I used to think he was sexy. You have a little booker because you made me spit out of my nose and I'm so funny. All right, this is a wild opened.

This is maybe our most wild open, which Whitney will not like, but I think you will enjoy it.

I know I'm going to have a complete panic attack when we wrap it like we need everything.

Let's just leave it. Let's see if I can not edit this. Let's see what the fans think.

We'll never know because you get it first.

No, I'm not. I'm I'm not out of this. But we need to get to Jerry. Jerry, he's brilliant. The fact that we got him is a very big deal. I have noticed, though, on Twitter, sometimes when when someone is on the podcast, they'll tweet like Hilary Duff at fifty seven minutes in, they'll look at the tweet out the time code because they don't hear around when the celebrity starts.

So, Sherri, you're going to get so much out of this. I love you guys. Thank you.

Bye bye baby. When I'm dehydrated, I'm a mess.

I'm a wreck. I feel I feel like a dried apricot, a little raisin. I'm saying everyone's like, how do you get your skin to be so good? I'm telling you, I just like pound like this.

It's called hydrant. And I put it in my water because we all know I hate the taste of water. I'm sorry. I'm Michy council for that hot take.

Water is gross and this makes you drink a lot of water. But I will not drink water that's just regular.

It just tastes like spit to me. Am I allowed to say any of this?

I mean, honestly, you like this so much that I've caught you trying to put it in coffees and stuff and that's for water.

I think you're allowed to do that. I feel like you can flavor coffee with it. But the brand has not said that. I can say that publicly, but you can mix it with anything I put like in smoothies. OK, so basically it's this it's like it's like these little packets that have it's like a little powder that you mix.

They have like electrolytes as you're forced into electrolyte, sodium, potassium, magnesium and zinc. So this you just open the packet, you just mix it and that's it. I also when I work out, I'll just put it in the water bottle and then just shake it and then it's delicious. Yeah.

And if you're not crazy, one of them has caffeine also so you don't have to make the coffee. That's what I was going to say.

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What's your favorite flavor?

Mine is ice tea. That's my favorite flavor. And you know it. Oh, my God, you're obsessed with me.

It's my favorite. It's very southern. My body doesn't even recognize water in less than the iced tea. Sweet tea.

But it's not it's not it's not sugary yours. What I like about I think a lot of these like crappy fake sports drinks, like they just sugar.

This is like it doesn't leave little like fuzzy sweaters on your teeth.

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I haven't had that one yet. Oh.

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I would like to do the keto friendly lemonade and mix it with the iced tea.

Oh yeah. You want to ruin the al-Qaeda apart. OK, yes, but that's like an Arnold Palmer a hydrant. To try to say that it's double the hydration, try to say hydrated Arnold Palmer hydrate Arnold Palmer hydrant.

Arnold Palmer, say it again. Heidrun Arnold Palmer, Heidrun Arnold Palmer, Heidrun Arnold Palmer.

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But hey Benton. Danke Schoen. What is it. Danke. I don't know.

You know what dog is in German ready. I think I know.

Hunt. Hunt what? Oh, Hunt. No hunt on Bundy style.

No, that's hairy. I wanna have sex with you hunt style.

What. You were on one. I'm on one today. Hello. Hello. Hello. LIBOR LIBOR. I'd be really accountable for this.

We're trying to learn language. What's Cat and German cats. Cats. That's what smile.

Leshan. What's Dutch. I don't hear Dutch.

I'm not on that right now. That's not why we're doing Banten.

I looked up German words because I want to learn German.

OK, you know, yesses. Well with Daboll you can learn all kinds of new language.

Hold on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah you can. Yeah.

Wait schuss that's goodbye to choose choose choose alabi halaby.

No this isn't about accents. So Benton likes to do accents and he likes to think he's worldly. Doesn't count. First of all it's about languages. Tell us about babble. How bad would be more worldly and more attractive. More learning a new language.

We have a lot of time right now. It's easy to start having conversations babble uses, but you're really phoning this in and no, I'm not.

I'm being or not petting the dog and maybe bring your charisma to the door.

So just as dog likes me, it's like sad. Honestly, it's actually true. Like, really upset. I always goes to you.

Babble babble. What is babble?

Babble is a wonderful place where you can learn website, a play with the website. And I don't know what to say. It's like a store. What's a website and apps you can stream across all of your services.

Basically, it gets you speaking a new language within weeks with daily fifteen to ten minute. You're really fighting this in battle, he real live conversation, 10 to 15 minute sessions. Yeah, you're not learning words and phrases out of context. You're learning through interactive dialogue. Also babble. Listen, so you can learn quicker.

You actually have conversations. Also, I get over after 50 minutes. I stop. I my brain shuts off like I like that. It's not these, like, long, boring lessons that take hours, 15 minutes every day, which is reasonable.

And I also love that it has speech recognition technology because it helps you promote and prove and prove to improve your pronunciation and accent, which can you pronounce in a voice. And that's helpful.

With babble, you can choose from 14 different languages, including Spanish, French, Italian and German John Dog and Dog, who did stop petting that Hudood.

Right now, Babille is offering our listeners three months free with a purchase of a three month subscription. That's dope right now on right now.

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That's Baby E-L Dotcom Promo Code. Good for you, Nabal. Language for life. OK, Jay Jadi, finally, you're here, so I want to be accurate. I'm grateful to be here.

I am going to say something that you might want to make me cut.

I cannot believe I before we got on camera, I was like, I'm going to talk some shit, which I said I was like, so what do you think of this guy wouldn't talk shit with me.

This guy walks the walk very actually lives by the word of his now best selling book. I tried to talk shit with him about someone. He's like, no, that guy's a really nice guy. I really like him.

I wanted to talk some shit. I wanted to gossip.

I was just telling you the truth. Maybe if you asked me about someone else, I would have said something else afterwards.

We'll talk, OK, but it was just so evolved and it just so like, oh, that's the person I want to be because I am so addicted to talking shit and gossiping, it gives me that little bit of superiority that a little bit of adrenaline. And I just wanted to talk some shit with you and you wouldn't do it.

I was fuck he meant every word of this. I tried.

I tried. We literally used to have to write. Well, first of all, I want to say this. So since I've been working and I have not stopped laughing, which is which is good. Which is great. But I've been you know, we would train to every time my mind wanted to gossip, we'd literally have to, like, keep a tally of it. And then you would count on a Monday how many times you gossiped. And then on Tuesday you'd use your competitive energy to do it less, and then on Wednesday, do less.

And then on Sunday, you'd like binge gossip again and catch up with all the mess, and then Monday you try all over again. So it's tricky.

And I think it was you walked in and I think I had a little bit of insecurity because you're so you're obviously you're you don't have to tell you who Jay is, you guys. But you are when I feel like someone is like super evolved and I'm serious, I feel like they see my flaws. I do. I feel like, you know, some shit. I can't manipulate you. I can't beguile you. I can't outsmart you. I can't out like wisdom.

You and I.

I found myself like a little uncomfortable, but I feel like I'm back.

Well, I was actually really taken by your wonderful energy when I walked in, so I kind of just felt embraced and loved and we couldn't give each other a real embrace. So I just felt very welcomed.

And and actually it should be the opposite that if someone was and I don't like making anyone feel that way, but if someone's actually involved, they should not judge you or feel I if there is a very hard right now, I felt this pressure to be like, don't be an asshole around this guy.

Don't be petulant. Don't be an idiot. Like, be gracious, be grateful. You know, like you're in the presence of a man like you. I mean, like. Oh yeah, exactly. Well, together.

So you've been doing so many interviews. Your book is Is it the number one bestselling book?

It was. It's been amazing. It's been really incredible. I'm totally humbled and grateful. It's my first one.

So OK, so that's a big deal. You've been doing so many interviews. I do not want this to be a carbon copy of every other interview you've been doing. So if you find yourself repeating yourself, please shut up and let's talk about something else, you know, that makes me happy, because my whole goal with every interview I did was trying not to say.

And I realized that when the incredible hosts guide me in the direction they want to go in, then I'm willing to go with you. So you take me. Yeah. Yeah. You want to go?

Oh, yeah. We're going to go to some really sticky areas and your publicist is going to have a fucking heart attack. I cannot wait.

So I really the thing I really want to start with to frame this conversation with you is that so much of what you talk about is about compassion and kindness and service. And on this podcast, all of you that know me know that I am in recovery for codependents. And a big part of codependents is you give too much of yourself. You become a doormat. You have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility. You martyr yourself for people you know. And codependents, we do the three ABMs, Marto, Marter, micromanage and mother.

We rescue people. We self deprive, we give too much. Right. Codependents breeds resentment, perfectionism. We're the people that cook a full meal for our whole family but don't eat anything. And at the end we're eating scraps over the kitchen sink. Right. So we are too nice sometimes.

And so as I was reading your book, I found myself going. I hope in this conversation we can sort of talk about how to tell when your compassion and love and forgiveness and kindness, which you talk about so eloquently in your book, how we can develop the skill to delineate when it's codependents and when it's thinking like a monk.

I love that. I'm totally with you on that. And that's such an important point, because I think that's the difference that I think a lot of these words now have become buzzwords. Yes. And they fly around.

And because of that, we have a really beginner's understanding. Of these deep, essential qualities and values, and so we practice them a beginner's level, and at that level they're still based on wanting validation, they're still based on wanting to fit in. They're still based on wanting to be a part of being dependent or being codependent. Yeah, they're not coming from a place of internal purification and greatness. So. So I'm totally with you on that.

And I'm motives about motives like if you find yourself and if someone were to ask me, like, you know, because I love that you talk about service in this book, it's such a big part of I think what is going to fix everything that's broken in our society is should we be able to give. And I think people do understand that giving is actually selfish.

You know, I feel like I'm saying this in a way that's Groser, which is why my book probably wasn't the number one bestseller in his was, because I sound like a psychopath when I talk about this shit, which is like when you give to others, it's selfish. You benefit when you give like everybody wins. Absolutely. It's like forgiveness. We forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness, but because we deserve peace. Forgiveness is selfish, absolutely.

But the intention with which we give defines how deeply we feel it. So let's let's take, for example, to people who want to give and charity this year. One person wants to give it because they really believe that the kids deserve more food and better shelter and better support. The other person gives because they think it will be a good PR story or they think that it would look good for them to give it of activist. Correct. There you go.

So you've got two people, let's say they both give a million dollars each. Yeah, it's obvious who's going to feel more joy. Now, bear in mind the kids benefit of the money either way, but the person giving only receives joy when they did it with the intention of actually serving. Yeah. And that's the missing link around giving, because giving isn't just the act of time money, it's the active energy presence and intention.

And also just taking your mind off yourself, I mean, in 12 step programs, the reason we do a service like honestly is to take the focus off yourself, because the more we and it's tricky and I find myself struggling with the balance of this like self-help, self-love and sell, sell, sell, sell, sell, sell self. And when it becomes selfish and when it's selfless and my brain, I just get so turned around in self care.

All I did was think about myself and take care of myself and myself. And it's just me, me, me, me, me ultimately. Yeah. And when does self care become selfish? And you do a really good job, I think for anyone that is confused, laying it out in a way that it's not like and also for people that have non Hollywood people, the people that are buying your book that were actually talking to and not amongst like who they're like, I have three jobs.

All I do is serve.

Yeah. Yeah, I have four kids. Exactly. I actually need to do less service. I need to be less compassionate. Take care of myself. Yeah. Like finding that balance.

Yeah, absolutely. And that's what I loved about the path that I chose that the morning was all about the self. Yeah. And then rest of the day was about service and that gives you a really good blueprint around how that works in the sense of if you've not done something for yourself every day. Yeah. If you've not taken your time to invest in yourself every day. And that isn't just a you know, it's it comes so much from understanding yourself and understanding yourself comes from the place of knowing yourself and getting to know yourself.

And most of us spend so much time codependency, trying to get to know someone else and what their needs and anticipate their needs and then shape shift so that I can be what I think you want, totally evolve.

Yeah, evolve. And trends morph into this person that will be the best for them. But what about if you did that for yourself to start with? And so most of us don't even know what we want to eat for dinner on a given day or like what our favorite movies are. We struggle. We sit there for like hours trying to figure out what to watch because we haven't really got to know ourselves. And so to me, getting to know yourself is very basic.

After you eat a meal, ask yourself, did I enjoy that? What did I like about it? Did I feel great? Twenty four hours after eating it, after watching a movie, what did I like about it? Why did I enjoy it? Those basic questions will give you a much deeper understanding of yourself.

God, it's so important you can't believe like it took me so long. I just turned thirty eight. Your September six. I am September four.

I know the NSA and many other Virgos season because I can't believe how much of my life I have spent doing things that I didn't even really want to do and that I didn't.

I didn't even know someone would ask me to go for hi. Can I be like. Sure, like I just thought friendship's felt obligatory. I just felt that kind of felt like work. I just felt like you kind of had to agree with things that you didn't want to agree with. I just felt like you kind of had to laugh at jokes that weren't funny. Like I just thought that's what friendship was. Yeah. I just thought that was I thought you just faked orgasms like I didn't know, like, you know, and reading this book, it really made me stop and go, like, OK, I just hang out with that person.

Did it fill me up? Do I feel depleted by that person when they text me?

Do I get a pit in my stomach? Am I excited to respond or do I can I just respond whenever I want? Because I had all these friendships that were like, OK, she talks to manufacture Bad Girl.

She'll be mad that we're all about keeping score and then we're all about, you know. Recreating my childhood circumstance of a borderline personality, narcissist, mother, and I think so few of us just stop and go, did I enjoy that meal? Yeah. Do I even like these movies?

Do I even like this person that I'm hanging out with every day?

Yeah, and it all comes from confirmation bias. So we have this safety mechanism of it's more comfortable for the mind to feel. We agree then create a moment of conflict. So the mind will continuously confirm and surround ourselves with people that confirm our biases or we confirm theirs for the feeling of comfort.

So we feel better when it's like you tell me you like that blood orange energy drink or pomegranate juice.

I'm going to ask you one answer smoothie, OK? My high ball energy drink. Yes.

Yeah. So for me to feel like we fit in and we're going to have we're going to get along and we're going to have a friendship for a long time. Yeah. I would feel like if I confirmed that bias, I've not tried it before then I would feel like I fit in with you. And that's kind of how we were trained as wired to kind of for harmony. Correct. We're wired for harmony, but we look to harmonize over the wrong thing.

We harmony.

And then what happens? This isn't our case. But then you say you like, that's another great. And then I like. And now you just made a friend that you don't want to know. Every time I come here, you give me this drink. Yes, I drink. You have cancer.

It's like it's dishonest. And I think that served us really well in tribal times when we needed safety from the tribes before alarm systems and locks on doors. We had to kiss everybody's ass because we needed safety from everyone. Right. But now these are these like obsolete tools that are, frankly, liabilities.

Like we're I we're we're kind of to me, I see an epidemic of just being too nice.

Yes. In harmony with toxic people does not benefit, you know, and over over dishonest things.

I think that's really important that you can connect. And also when you're looking at a thing or object or a like or dislike to connect. Yeah, it's a pretty it's pretty shallow ground to connect on because you may change your mind about that drink tomorrow. Yeah. And now we're talking about drinks, but you may change your mind on a hobby, you may change your mind on an interest, you may change your mind on an activity. But usually people stay pretty grounded to values and qualities.

And that's kind of this confirmation bias is just created so many issues because we also go around and look for people who confirm our biases. So then we get into this bubble and this cloud of thinking that we can't break and that we can't be exposed to.

So it's so interesting. And it's and I think we have to have compassion for ourselves in it as well.

You know, like I when someone sees someone else in the same sports jersey, like if you're a Lakers fan and then you see some wearing a like a shirt like, hey, dude, it's like you don't know that guy.

I could be a not like you, but you just you know, it's this like confirmation bias. We like something similar. Let's make Halmet. There's something so pure and impish and sweet and innocent about that. Yeah. No, people right now are at this time where they're like humans suck and humans are stupid. And like there's something kind of beautiful about that.

We're willing to accept someone based on their colors, on their.

Sure. Yeah. And well, and if we really extend that, we should want to extend ourselves to everyone. Yes. Because we all you know, what's that famous statement like? We all bleed the same air and bleed the same blood and breathe the same bleed the same blood. And it's at that core, we all know that we're the same or have an essential sameness, but that's what we miss. So we recognize the same Jesu. We recognize the same country or the same city.

Yeah. But we don't recognize the essential sameness, which is the equal vision that Monk should speak about. It's like that's real equal vision. Is that realized we all wear the same jersey. Yeah. You know, it's so interesting.

Like I'm really getting into terror management theory as well, which is like that, you know, basically humans are the only species we know we're going to die. So with the anticipation of knowing we're basically just trash bags full of blood that could die at any moment, that we have to manage our terror by keeping ourselves busy and having trophies and competitions and awards and stuff like that, because it gives us a sense of longevity in life after death and a like a lasting legacy, you know, because we have so much existential panic that we have to manage.

Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of reality in that. At the same time, I think there's parts of it that are true and there's parts of it that are constructed. So the constructed parts almost keep us imprisoned in that in that hamster wheel.

But then there's parts of it that have because it all comes from a true essence, like I think everyone agrees that we feel like we want to feel fulfilled. Yes. And we want to feel meaning and we want to feel purpose. But then the constructs that have been created to keep you locked in there, the ones that we all feel uncomfortable with, know I talk about sometimes like in my school that I went to and this was painful. So in my high school in London, they would give us a rank system of one hundred and eighty students and every subject.

They would rank you every year on where you were against everyone else. So YouTube in your comments. It's YouTube, but it's like for everyone to see. So you go home with a sheet of paper that you give to your parents that says you're either number one for a subject or your number one hundred and eighty for a subject and you showed it to them.

That's like public shaming nature. And I bet I mean I mean, it probably worked. It worked for me. It worked by showing me what I was really what I was really bad and I was all right. Those things that I'm below 90 and I'm not going to put any effort into and these these three five things, I'm doing really well. I'm going to go all in on those. By the way, it is amazing to look back at the shit that was done when we were in school that they don't do anymore because everyone's like, so delicate about children like you.

They don't give trophies. Our prize is our first place to get kids at all, which I actually think we've gone too far in the other direction. Kids just suck at sports now. They're just like all like a disaster. Like I have this nephew who's like sucks at soccer. I'm like the we need to bring back that. We need to bring back these ribbons. And these kids are just like rolling his ankle, like they're going to get injured.

We need to get some motivation. But yeah, when I was a kid, like, they would put your test results, like on the wall for everyone to see. Yeah, but that's the point, right?

As humans, we do a really poor job of oscillating between extremes. So we go from one extreme to the other extreme. And the reason why the word balance has been so popular for such a long time is because the answer is somewhere in the middle. The answer is a bit of both, right. There is a need for rankings and competition and there is a need for compassion and collaboration. And it's almost like embracing polarities is so much more the direction that we're all looking for, as opposed to saying that it's either or.

And so when people say things like, oh, do you need to be spiritual or strategic to be successful, it's like you need both. Yeah. Do you need to be generous or do you need to be focused on growing? If you want to be happy, you need both. Like you can't it's not really about a choice in the same way as we started with cell phone service. It's not one or the other.

You're making me realize something. I think that is just we all can look at. We are we love black and white thinking because humans love we want an answer, even if it's the wrong answer. Yeah. We just want so true so that we have some semblance of control. And I'm in this new relationship and I find myself wanting to. It's not a relationship. What am I saying? Black and white thinking it's somewhere in between. We're not dating if we're not together.

And and I'm I want so badly to feel safe. My inner child needs an answer so bad that I'm like, do you like to travel or do you not like to travel?

And he'll be like, well, it depends on where I'm traveling. And I'm like, well, let's see, you know? And so do you cheat or do you not cheat? And he's like, well, it's different with me. None of these answers are going to apply to me because this is a new situation. But it's made me realize how anxious, you know, preoccupied and how much I perseverating and how much my inner child panics when she doesn't have an answer.

Yes. And I think if we just acknowledge, like you talk about in this book and are being so elegant about it now, we just acknowledge our need for the polarity. We can then release it. It's just like even the awareness of knowing is an asshole, is he not? Well, he's probably sometimes an asshole, probably. Sometimes not. Is she a bitch or not? Well, sometimes I'm a bitch and sometimes I'm insane. Totally.

And we're all so much more proportions and percentages in different scenarios than we are one or the other. And it's the same thing I say to people when they're like, oh, gee, you know, I don't know if my intention is completely pure or if it's material or spiritual. And like, we're both all of it, like it's all of it. Like we do. Like we all are. Like you just you're always trying to move in the right direction.

The problem is we're addicted to a right decision. Right. And that's the problem. We're just trying to move into the right direction, which is moving closer to that. And as long as you're moving closer in the right direction with someone, with yourself, with whatever it is that you're learning, don't give so much emphasis to the decision that the direct onset, the destination, all of that kind of you're so right about what you just said about the child and so many of us not having had clarity as young people about where we stood with our parents or where we stood with our partners, and now we demand what we did or didn't get from our parents in our relationships.

It's the unfinished business.

You know, it's sort of like it took me so long to stop recreating my childhood circumstances because I think we have this subconscious pull, obviously, to recreate the neurochemical cocktail that's comfortable for us. It's like when you see someone in a crazy relationship, you're like, how do they deal with that all day?

They're in a cocoon. They are so comfortable doing it. That is all they know. It's like the devil, you know. And and I find myself recreating my childhood circumstances and yes. Trying to basically just heal that wound, heal that wound, who's going to heal it? Who's going to fix it. And it's there no one. No. Have to do it. Yeah.

That's a beautiful statement that you reminded me of by a monk named not he's incredible. And and he said that we choose familiar pain over unfamiliar pain that every time we just repeated. Because that familiar pain gives us a feeling of safety, of security. Like, I know what pain I'm going to feel and I'd rather keep repeating it, then maybe venture out into this new land of unfamiliar pain, which I don't know what it feels like. It's comfortable.

Yeah, it's like that pair of heels that always gives you a blister. I got the Band-Aid. Like, it's amazing how and I think that I'm glad that we're talking about this because we are so adaptable. Like there's so many people that reach out to me and they're like, is it too late for me to change? Is it too late for me to go to Alan on meetings? Is it too late for me to stop being jealous and possessive and a love addict or a sex addict or whatever?

And I'm like, do we think about how quickly you adjusted to those sandals that are giving you blisters? You were like just put in a Band-Aid and I'm just going to take them off after an hour at the wedding, like we actually can adjust so quickly.

You know, that is a great analogy. I'm going to I'm going to share that now from now. And I love that one. I'm going to be like Britney and me. Well, yeah, this is that's a brilliant analogy. I love it. You're going to talk about blisters. I'm going to pop this is in heels, like, OK, you know, like when I wear heels, you'll really fit in and I'm OK. There's a Vedic personality test in your book.

Will you tell me about it? Yeah, absolutely.

So I really believe that passion and purpose, again, these themes that are thrown around, which can I just not I'm really I get too excited sometimes in podcasts and I interrupt and I'm really working on it.

I love that you say that because happiness I don't like the word happy. It confuses me. I feel too much pressure. I don't I don't know how to describe it. I don't know when I'm feeling it. Purpose and fulfillment. I know what that is. Happy I sort of tune out.

It's like it's a childish, immature word to me personally. And I'm so glad you don't use it. I love that because there's so much bullshit like fake how to be happy on bullshit Instagram stuff that's like vague and amorphous. And I don't I just it's anyway, I just I love fulfillment and purpose.

Well, I'm fortunate because all of my kind of dictionary definitions come from the Vedas and the bucket ghitis. So for me it's like I'm simply trying to extract and share all these incredible teachings that I learned. So when I lived as a monk and we started the Vedas, I came across this incredible concept named Dharma and Dharma is very difficult to translate into English. But when you do it, the closest things are eternal purpose and inherent nature or your natural inclination.

And those are things it's almost like, well, what is your natural, most effortless flow state that you can live by that you feel fulfilled in?

Right. And so when you break that down, you get Dharma basically equates to an equation which is passion plus strength's plus compassion. So it's when your passion, what you enjoy, what you thrive, that what comes naturally to you are all matches with your strengths.

Look at just blow past that you're evil like nothing throws you it really. I love it like a monk. Like I cannot throw anything at you. It's awesome. I love it. I love it.

I was actually I was actually trying to tee you up for. So you said passion, not strength. Strength at all. OK, and then compassion. Zanta OK, there we go.

There we go. So let's put the let's let's look at the synergy between those three. You can help. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There we go. There it is. It is. It is. It is a three. Yeah. Three things. What is at the center of all of that. That is Dharma. And so the personalities that I give is to help me when I've loved. So first of all there is no personality test or astrological chart that's going to give you the answer that you need.

But they are good indicators and you're trying to say astrology is not a science. I mean, it is a science class. But I'm not sure how many people can do it properly. But the idea that this person test was put in there to help people get closer to the answer. And that's what I think all of these tools do. It's just about moving you in the right direction.

You're making me realize, like when I go out in the world and I'm dating somebody or, you know, talking to a potential new employee or meeting a possible new friend candidate, I spend all this time trying to learn about them. When I've spent no time learning about myself, totally. I'm like, what kind of person are they? Have they done this? And do they like this? And do they lie? Do they cheat? I'm like, what about fucking me?

Why don't you give myself this test and then I'll know how to gravitate people of the right frequency because then I'll know who I am. It's like what I say about like love, like, you know, this is a hot take. But to me, I'm like, I don't decide if I'm in love with someone based on their behavior. It's based on my behavior around that icom am I thinking of them? Are my ex is it bringing out the best in me or am I like a jealous mass?

You know who's checking their phone? That's not love, that's possession, infatuation and old shit. Love that. So it's like I want to do a couple of these. Yeah let's do it. Has anyone done this? Has anyone given you the Vedic personality test I've done on my own but publicly.

Oh no, no, no, no, no. Oh great. Oh that's great. Oh great. Oh great. Yeah, I love that. This is I just love this book because it's like it's real tools, I'm sorry, there's a lot of bullshit out there. There's a lot of like buy a crystal water bottle and your life will get better. Like, what are you talking about? Use charcoal toothpaste and you'll find your soul mate. Like this is actual, like how to rewire your brain, how to get to know yourself better with actual tools instead of just like bullshit random quotes that are always attributed to Oscar Wilde, even though he didn't say half that shit and we know it.

OK, you're going to answer these questions as who you believe you are at the core, beyond what friends, family or society have made you choose. Which of the following sounds. And I want you guys to follow along and take this quiz with us. Like which of the following sounds most like what you're about? Values and wisdom, integrity and perfection, work hard, play hard or stability and balance.

So a very important question. I'm going to add a caveat to help everyone out as well, saying is this is the first time everyone's doing it publicly.

Everyone's follow along, get your pen and paper is is you're not trying to answer is what your jobs made you you're not trying to answer is what you've become because of something that sometimes we become something because we had to become it to be more successful. You want to answer at your core and the closer you get and that's hard. I get that that's that's not easy to do. But the more you keep on asking yourself the course, sometimes they say to this, like the first thing you think of is you.

That's actually not true. It's actually you need more stillness, silence and solitude and space to actually slow down a bit and go, well, what am I really? And it's also not your ideal self. So that's the other mistakes. Extreme's again, we oscillate between our society self and our ideals self. So then people answer is like, oh yeah, that's the one I want to be. So it's not that either.

Have you thought about starting a cult. No. You should, you would get very rich. I just started, I just got emotional because when you said not who people told you to be or wanted you to be, as I'm looking at this, I was like, well, this is what my dad would have wanted. My dad would have wanted to work hard, play hard. And I was going to pick work hard, play hard. It should be work hard, cry hard.

And that's good.

But I think I'm values and wisdom. Yeah. And so I am too. I'm a values bench. I'm like a this is wrong like I and sometimes it veers into self righteous indignation and sometimes it's like I miss the forest for the trees because I get so wrapped up and I have like a value that I can't compromise on. But yeah, I'm a values and wisdom. Yeah. What was the second one of you. Integrity and perfection. Yeah.

No, I'm the first one.

I used to be integrity. I used to, I used to be that when I was young. Yeah.

All about perfection. Like what the fuck is it. Perfection anyway. Yeah exactly. Yeah. Like running around trying to be perfect and it's like this vague definition of perfection. It's not even real. Yeah. That's a that's a ruse. Yeah. That's just a hallucination.

Oh my gosh. Sorry. I'm getting emotional. I love this money. Do you want. I will give you a call. I'm serious. I just want to give you my money. Will you be part of it. Will you like co-lead it and can we co create can be the can we.

Did we just co create right now. I will totally host it. I'll host the sex parties. I don't even know what happens in these fields, but I'm happy to host them. People can come stay at my house.

What role do you play. This is a good one. What role do you play in your friend's circle and family? I'm comfortable dealing with conflict and helping people find middle ground. My role as the mediator. Sometimes this is the middle child. But I know. And sometimes if there's like boys and the girl, I'll be I make sure everything and everyone is taking care of my role as the protector. I feel like that might be me. I have I help my family understand work ethic, hustle and the value of having resources.

My role is material support. I think I'm that now at my Venmo D, I focus on nurturing and wanting a healthy and content family.

My role is emotional, so I'll give it again. Another another side note for everyone who's watching and listening, you probably do all four of these.

I was going to say, I'm so glad we're doing this together because I've picked five different ones. And now that you're here. Yeah, we can talk about it. That's the point. So so you're going to feel an especially when you read these, you're always going to feel like you're everything. And the reason for that is we've never really spend the time to think about who we really are.

And also I shape shift and I'm different. I'm with and who people want me to be. Correct. And so you want to pull back again and go. I am all for. But in which order am I right? So you want to break it down and be like, well, which one do I prioritize the first? So I'll give an example. It's almost like if you were put into a situation where you had to make a choice, which one do you say this is?

The first thing I think about, right? This is the first thing I think about when it comes to my family. So have you heard if someone called you up and said, I want to tell you something about your family, which is the first thing that you think of that comes to your mind, the media you protect or do material support or emotional.

Correct. Like which one do you feel drawn to play as a role first and first? Correct. First and most. Because you are all of them. We all. I think protector, right? I'm I'm like vicious about that I put to even if they're the even if they're monsters, I'll protect monsters against another monster on the media.

Really? Yeah. And the media I have been since I was a kid like Switzerland. You're neutral that it like. No, I wouldn't say I'm neutral. I would say that I'm. Yeah, maybe. I guess that's a definition and you're nonjudgmental. One that can see all sides.

I try to yeah. I've always been that way. And that really annoys my family because people in my my family. But why don't you see from my side more than you see it from this nightmare. I'm terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible monk in the family. There's no way you can communicate. Yeah. There's no way you can win a fight with a like what a fucking nightmare.

We're going to take a break from from you and I. I would love to take a break from you. We were on a break.

Does better help have couples therapy?

First of all, how dare you say that in front of our child?

Sorry, we have a foster dog who Benton is trying so hard to make like him more than me just to hurt me, you know, watch the footage on YouTube.

So what a wonderful company to talk about. Coolest interviewing Jocketty because we talk about self awareness, edification, improving your life, your relationships, self awareness. Do I say that already? Yeah.

Is there something interfering with your happiness or preventing you from achieving goals?

Yes, you should get better and better, health will assist your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist, licensed professional therapist, not one of these hackie Mick Mick Jagger bubbles, not as a street shaman who's going to pedal you sage and and rocks.

They found hucksters out.

There are a lot of charlatans out there trying to hook their fake psychology shit on. You go to a real licensed therapy. It's not a crisis line. It's not. It's professional counseling done securely online. I don't think people understand how important that is.

You don't want all your secrets that you tell someone online in a private therapy session to get out. This isn't the Nexium cult. Yeah. Yeah. This isn't Scientology. You're not telling someone a bunch of your secrets so they can get leaked. This is secure therapy. You do not have to be worried about divulging your deepest, darkest secrets is available for clients worldwide. You can log into your account any time. Send a message to your counselor. You're going to get timely, thoughtful responses.

Plus, you can schedule weekly videos or phone sessions, which truly is my dream, because in-person therapy, I think that is that is literally like buying a record player at this point.

I'm just saying in person therapy, by the time you get there and you drive down there and you know the meter and you're looking for parking it like it stresses you out, therapy is supposed to relieve your stress, not cause you stress. And then I also I just get so distracted by noises and sounds and smells and you go into someone's therapy office and it smells all musty.

Yeah. And it is gross and better hope. What is the therapy offices. That little tree.

The little Zen tree with the sand where I'm not taking care of tree office and I'm like, why am I paying for the rent at this place?

Why is this place? Why does my therapist have a Birken?

How messed up am I. How long have I been going in here and fix me up.

What is my bones of an ostrich Birkin bag. Well, my therapist Kris Jenner bitch. Why are you buying your shoes at Eldo? Why am I spending three hundred dollars an hour so that you can shop at Neiman?

I need my therapist enough to pay off their school debt. Yeah, yeah.

Like, I just I really struggle with going to a therapist office and all I think about is how much is she paying or he in rent or they.

Or them or they.

Or them or is they say like why am I paying for this overhead. What's your overhead. Why.

Oh wow. I always think once you're over it's tricky because it's like I don't want to go to super expensive therapy in Beverly Hills, but then I also don't want to go out to fucking in the middle of nowhere at all, because then I have to drive out to the strip mall. But that's the cost that makes it I don't know.

This is this I'm just telling you better how I want you to start living a happier life today. So quit looking at motivational quotes on Pinterest.

Stop taking your therapy advice from Marilyn Monroe. Better help dot com slash Whitney. That's better. And join over one million people taking charge of their mental health with the help of an experienced professional. In fact, so many people have been using better help that they are recruiting additional counselors in all 50 states. Sign of the Times special offer for good for you listeners. Get ten percent off your first month. That better help Dotcom slash Whitney.

You know that on this podcast, the biggest imprint I have left on culture is talking about Battelle's. Yeah, the most DMS I get are me saying I want to see dick pics because I want to see your bathroom towels. Am I allowed to say that in a Brooklyn and no ad? I'm pretty sure not.

Well, we're going to try because I'm making a good point and they'll see that. So battles to me nothing, truly nothing is more important than what touches your body when you get out of the bath.

There's nothing worse than a towel that doesn't absorb.

Oh, or that like feel is sandpaper. Oh low or ieta exfoliated. Thank you very much.

Don't need your help sir. Your towel should make you bleed. No.

NUM num num num num num. And then the worst is when you know how like oh when towels are like musty and they smell like moldy and gross.

Yeah. Nothing worse than a tell that doesn't absorb and you're just moving the water around you.

Like what is what are we doing here. It's twenty twenty. How have we not figured towels out. Of course. Why.

If I tell water-Resistant why is this waterproof. Of course my favorite sheet company makes the perfect towels.

I'll figure it out. Brooklyn and of course, of course the frickin genius is over there.

We're like, why aren't we making towels. I mean these are like spa towns.

Like they're like a problem because they were sick of me ruining their gorgeous sheets with my wet body, my crappy towels.

Can you stop getting in bed soaking wet? You're ruining the Brooklyn and sheets. I guess we have to make towels now.

And also, like Battelle's like are so key for me because here's my here's my problem. I ruin my towels because I wash my face with makeup on. But these ones they have. So I need dark towels, but I don't like do black towels and you know that, but they have something called what color is this? Do you see this gray color?

What is. Oh, yes. Like that off-White kind of color. No, it's there's a gray look at that.

Oh, the deep gray is like it's still gray. Beautiful that I get.

So unlike you, you're a white Talaba. We can't say because I'm a we can't. And as you're a white towel lady beatch sorry.

Brooklyn and they're cool. They get it. They know Brooklyn. They're like, you're talking to a girl, they're hip.

So I love the plush bath sheet bundle. I do. That is my towels, towels. But then when I take my makeup off, I use this gray color and it doesn't stain and it looks gorgeous.

Oh, you're two colors. Gorgeous, smart. I just got the white one. Their towels are like. It's like wrapping yourself in like it's like velvet but cake.

It's like a hug. It's like yeah.

It's like oh it's like it really if you know when you get out of the shower like whenever you're starting, if you're someone who takes morning showers, you start your day and you get out and you wrap that towel around you and you're like I'm ready for clean.

And towels are like a hug from someone that you want to hug. You not like one of those hugs that lasts a little too long.

Not one of those. This is like a hug from like your crush.

Yeah, it's like a mom hug. Wow.

OK, we're like we get it or loves you or we get it. Get it.

You're like a mall Santa. We don't. I don't. Do I have to tell you guys this again, we don't read the note. Brooklyn is the turf, the Brooklyn and I use the product. We use the product so we don't have to read the product.

Let me guess on what they wanted to learn. Not robots, OK? We like the product and then we just riff. It's called Talent Brooklyn.

It is the perfect place to find all the comfort for home, including ultra soft towels.

There's so confident their products in their products with a lifetime warranty, still confident their products. Everything comes to lifetime warranty.

Use promo code Whitney for 10 percent off your first order at Brooklyn and Dotcom. That's. Do they rest of it, I'm mouthing what you're saying, if you guys are watching on YouTube, that's B, R, o, k, l and e n dot com promo code, Whitney, Brooklyn and everything. You need to live your most comfortable life.

What is most important to you in a partner? No, no. A literacy. A honest and smart B strong presence in power. C, fun and dynamic. D, reliable and respectful.

E all of the above. Good credit. Yeah.

Let's not be there again. You want all four.

Yeah it's but again and therefore a lot of relationships come down to areas where we get to the public and be part of Jay's class.

Yeah that's that's Chapter 13 that will make the book Mormon as didn't make the book.

But that's important because the two sides of that are in a relationship. You have priorities and preferences. Right. There are things that you will prioritize that you really want in someone. And then they have to be preferences where you like. That's a bonus. I like that. But it's not all going to be that. Be nice. Yeah, it would be nice. Exactly what I mean, it's not essential.

I did that in my book. We did the list for you guys that. No, we did musts would be nice and red flags. So we're on the same. Yeah, similar. A little bit similar. But it's for love addicts. It's for people who are hanging by a thread like me. So what is most important to you and your partner. I wanted to say a honest and smart. Yeah. And that is super important to me.

But strong presence in power. I'm embarrassed to admit it and I'm ashamed. But I do lose attraction to people if they don't if they're not powerful. I like to feel you should be ashamed of that.

Yeah. You shouldn't be embarrassed about that. Too tall. Yeah. All I care about is tall I'm sure.

But you know, I need I do need someone who feels powerful, who I feel protected by. But that's looking for a father. But that's.

Yeah, but I get it. You definitely shouldn't feel embarrassed about it. And I think that's probably what it is, is that when we do these activities, we kind of look for the one that makes us feel the most comfortable and happy rather than the one that's actually true. And that's why we attract the wrong people into our life. And that's why we spend ten years with someone. And we're not sure that the right person, because they looked good on paper.

And just be honest with Tinder and I time as I'm taking this quiz, I'm trying to impress Jay with a good answer instead of saying the truth and the truth impresses me more than that.

Impressive. Yeah, that's people like you so much more. Well, like when you're trying to get validation from people, the irony is trying to get it and being unctuous is what's repellent. Yeah. So just being honest is what makes people like you and all take me so long to realize that all of these ideas have been planted in our minds.

Like I didn't put this in the book. And I know that this is I remember reading this in like marketing case studies and books. And it's been shed of this. This is so great. So I remember trying to not trying to I remember deciding to propose to my wife. And this was 2014 that I proposed to my wife. We got married in twenty sixteen, so I'm deciding to propose to my wife and I ask my friends who've proposed and got married and I was like, well OK, like where do I get a ring from and how much do you spend on the ring.

I don't know if you've had this before. So literally all my friends tell me that you have to spend two months salary on Ouray.

Right, right. And and I'm like, I'm like, OK. And I spend two months out, I want to ring. I proposed my wife's really happy and all the rest of it. Then I start looking into it and I start seeing all these videos, all these case studies showing how there was a dubious commercial and this dubious commercial, if you can, watching find on YouTube, literally Google on YouTube. Dabis commercial diamond last forever. And literally this was a time where I believe the diamond trade wasn't doing that well.

And so all these diamond companies went all in on creating marketing campaigns around diamonds, being central to a marriage and a proposal. And literally, I kid you not you can watch it on YouTube. The last six seconds of this advert says this is how you make a diamond. Two months, sorry. This is how you make two months salary lost forever. How else can you make two months salary last forever? And that was from like the eighties or the nineties or something.

And here I am in 2014, living out that advert, I'm thinking, wow, is that how my love, my ideas around love have been formed, around created?

And I would do them? You know, it's just amazing when you face it that when you go, oh, wow, that wasn't even my idea. Like that wasn't even real. And what about it? When you're answering these questions, you want to move away from old programming, correct?

Shit.

I'm learning the old pro like, what is all that? And also, like, it drives me nuts. These just fake standards that we don't even know. Yeah, like some mercenary huckster who was going out of business said this thing that got in the zeitgeist and it became crystallized into a truth over time, totally questioned everything.

You think about everything and you're putting yourself in love.

And, you know, I froze and I got too excited. Oh, no. You know how I'm. In the wedding gifts every year, it's like the first year is goal, the second year is paper, the third year is would you know, like all these, like, arbitrary things, dude, fuck that. Like, look, go look at the list. I think your ten is literally ivory dead elephants. Like this is it. That's how old this is like it's like something that is illegal and inhumane.

And just like I looked at it, I was like, oh, this is so sick, like all of this weird materialistic shit. And people don't talk about this enough. And I know this is a heartache that's going to be canceled, but people don't talk about the unrealistic expectations put on men around this shit.

You know, like people like romantic comedies, women's romantic comedies, and they have these completely unrealistic men.

Saw them, too. Oh, we drag them to movies.

Oh, I tried to live a lot of them. Like I took my wife for the first time. We went on our first date. I took her to this fancy restaurant and thought that she was going to love it. And she told me afterwards she would have to walk down the aisle at Whole Foods. And, you know, she was just like, this is not me. But in my head, I was completely convinced that that's how you made a woman feel special.

I remember watching, what was it, a Bronx Tale? Yeah, the movie Bronx Now. And in that movie, it said that if you get into a car with a woman and she doesn't lean over and open the door for you after you've opened the door for her, then she's not the right woman. And yes. So so I'll give it a try. So. No, no, no. So I open the door for you and you get in, got it right.

And then I walk around the side to go to the driver's seat. And if you don't lean over through the door and open it for me, then you are not the right person. And I remember seeing that the I've still never forgotten it. And literally that would be like when I was in my back my way leaning over opening your door.

Yeah, no, I mean that would be wild. And then and then you open it in a car drives by and it's the door.

I'd like to see the maybe it doesn't but it's in the wrong house. It's so many like fucked up messages we have. Like I remember there was a time where like whenever a guy would fuck up with me or lie or do something he would like show up at my work or show up at the Comedy Store or whatever and make some grandiose gesture. And I was like, what do you do? And I was like, oh my God. There was like ten years of romantic comedies.

Or whenever a guy would cheat or lie, he would go to like an outdoor basketball court with his all white friends always.

And and they'd be like, dude, you just got to go just go to work right now. And they would and the guy would run in while she would work, of course, like a magazine. They all went to magazines and she'd be like giving a presentation.

And the guy would be like knock on the glass would be like I to a pot. Like it was always like go to her work because it's a woman.

What how important could a job and guys learned like go to someone's a woman's job and destroy the jobs like it. Guys would do it. Guys were like showing up at airports to stop women from getting on flights like it was.

Christopher was like, no, this was real money. It was actually a book.

You know, I didn't write a ticket. How did you even get through TSA? I happened to be late for this flight. I don't know. Are you paying for the exchange fee, like what's happening?

So I don't forget and I know a lot of people, you know, and I understand why that's in the zeitgeist right now of like unrealistic expectations for women. But it happens with men, too. And you guys are expected to be chivalrous, but not too much of a risk because that's patronising. And I can open my own fucking door and I can carry my own fucking purse and I can pay for my own fucking meal. And, you know, it's like, you know, I think there's a lot of confusion that we're not talking about.

Yeah. I think everyone obviously has their own blocks and challenges and misconceptions. And that's why it's it's such a personal process to have to unlearn all of this. You literally just reminded me of that notebook scene where Ryan Gosling literally says that he will drop himself from a Ferris wheel if Rachel McAdams does not agree to be on a go out on a date with him.

So it's not so hot.

It's like if someone literally told you that they were about to kill themselves, like it's a very serious topic, like it's a really serious issue if someone really said that to you in real life. And so it's so romantic.

I mean, it was like that movie Twilight, like I was like, oh, this is bullshit. I'm watching. And I'm like, oh, my God.

Like, if he kisses Hershel, he'll kill our whole, like, tear apart an eater. I'm like, that's so like there is some fucked up primal shit going on that is just like the elephant in the living room. But there is so much to unlearn and I'm realizing how much shame is coming up around the stuff. This is a good question that I struggled with answering. What do you watch most often on TV? A documentaries, biographies and human observations.

The entertainment, politics, current affairs. See comedy, sport, drama, motivational stories and soap operas, reality TV, family gossip, daytime shows. I realize and I'm curious if the motive matters because I definitely watch documentaries, biographies the most, but it's because I'm insecure about my intelligence and I always I look at it's embarrassing to admit, but I look I watch TV as a way to try to get smarter, to try to get information, to try to be interesting and to try because my.

Biggest fear in life is being boring in a conversation or not knowing something that someone else knows and or like having the phone on a group or everyone's seen something I haven't. So it's like if everyone's watching a documentary, like I have to watch it so that I'm not left out. So does it matter that that's why I won't pick a no?

Because it's mixed again. So what I heard in there is there was a lot of values and wisdom there. Like you want to have more knowledge, you want to have more insight. Now, the reason you want to have it isn't perfect, but that's not bad. It's still a great it's better to be informed than uninformed. So you're winning already. But I think all of us have to move in our values. So I'll give you this is going to sum it up really beautifully in the bulgogi to there's three intentions behind everything and either the mode of ignorance, the motive, passion or the motive.

Goodness. So there are these three modes that any action, any habit, any intention can be done in. So the mode of ignorance is when you do things out of fear or anxiety, the mode of passion is when you do things for desire or result. And the mode of goodness is when you do things from love or compassion or curiosity like that, kind of like love or thirst.

And so in that I think most of us, including me, are a state of being is very mode of ignorance. We do most of what we do out of fear and anxiety. And the problem with that is, is that when you do something out of fear and anxiety, it doesn't suddenly transform into love and compassion or joy or meaning or purpose. It stays that way and continues to perpetuate that cycle of needing to get more of that fear and anxiety.

So that's something that we can push an upgrade from. So next time you want to do something and you're watching a documentary, be like, all right, right now I'm starting this by doing it because I'm scared of not looking smart or not being conversationalist.

But actually, you know what? This time I'm going to intentionally change my intention to be because I'm going to do this. I just love being informed and I want to be informed so I can share this. And you literally do that intentionally and you will see how you experience changes. It's that metaphysical, like literally sitting there and just literally walking yourself through it and changing your mindset around something can change your experience of it.

And also having you're making me realize how much I believe myself, because it's also you can have compassion for that, too. It's there's no wrong with wanting to be smart. Nothing at all. Nothing wrong with going. I'm going to watch this documentary because everybody else is watching it. I'm finding that I tend to over pathology myself sometimes because I've I'm like so committed to not being crazy and not committing, you know, sort of recreating the ancestral trauma and the stuff that I saw.

I'm so committed to breaking the cycle sometimes.

And I think anyone that is going to be following you are listening to this or listening to this podcast like, you know, don't over self-help to the point of self flagellating even when you're not doing anything wrong.

Yeah, you know what I mean.

Like, we don't have to over examine to the point of, you know, perfectionism and over criticize. No, no.

And actually, that's the worst that as soon as you feel guilty or judge yourself or criticize yourself, you actually start losing energy to that. And that's the same energy that's going to help you get out of that. And so as monks, it was almost like you would laugh when you'd catch yourself letting the monkey mind go loose. And so in the beginning, the book actually got the monkey mind in the monkey mind. The monkey mind almost laughs when it notices the monkey and goes, OK, I saw you.

I see you, I see you. My fear, I see ego. I see you. Are you trying to do that? And it's that kind of like fun, playful spotting. It's almost like you just saw your dog running around outside and like, I can't stay mad at you, silly.

Exactly. I love that. And that's something we do in our step programs as you befriend your character defects because they are trying to protect you, they're trying to help you. It's like when your dog goes out and barks at the mailman and you're like, you know, it's not a threat, but the dog is just trying to protect you, you know?

And so on the off chance that the dog's right when it isn't the mailman. Yes.

Because sometimes those tools worked really well and there were real threats back in the day. And those tools, weapons were very necessary. But they just they're now obsolete. Like the war is over. Right. As we say in program, the war is over. You lost legs. And and so I love that, like, just sort of having levity around the your negative inner monologue or your negative thoughts. Like, you don't have to take them seriously.

They don't have to. It's like watching Star Wars or it's it's just a it's just a science fiction movie. Totally. I'm not good enough. He doesn't like me. I suck. I'm going to be alone forever. Like those don't have to be true. It's like a it's like a crazy person. Like if you walked by a bomb yelling crazy shit like that, you would just be like, OK, that's a crazy. You just go, oh, those are just crazy thoughts and they're silly.

And yeah, I love that. And yeah. And what we do in your program is if you had a character defect, sometimes you name them like your selfishness hijacking game and you're like, hey Bill, like what are you doing here today.

I want to come say hi like I don't need you today. I'm good.

You know, you can sit back on the bench. I don't need you in the game today. Yeah, I love that. I love that. Yeah.

And it's amazing. It's so well designed from a human psychology point of view. And it's just that naming voices in your head is brilliant. Yes. It's so important making them characters. Because otherwise, you think there you. That's the point, that's the whole point of it. Yeah. You know, what causes you the most pain? A feeling like I don't live up to my own expectations. B, the state of the world see a sense of rejection.

D, feeling disconnected from friends and family.

Yeah, that's a big one. Repeat the first one again, feeling like I don't live up to my own expectations. Yeah.

Is that the first one. Yes. Yeah. Yes. That can be because you think that's definitely one. What causes you the most pain.

This is a tricky one being rejected by men I don't even like. Yeah, no one feeling like I don't live up to my own expectations.

Yeah, that's definitely my life.

But but my own expectations are outrageous. They're ridiculous. But that's why we shouldn't feel that. Yeah.

And by the way, I've achieved most of them against all odds. I should just be like thinking I'm awesome. You should. And instead I'm like, I achieved that impossible thing.

But I was wearing the wrong shirt and I had sweat stains.

You gave a terrible speech. Yes. Yeah. Gave a terrible speech.

You get or I'll go like you killed with that speech and then I'll be like, oh God, how much attention do you need? How desperate.

Like, Oh yeah, we do that constantly.

And it's just it's just so roasting myself. Roasting yourself. Yeah. And it's just it's that's why again, I think going back to the levity point of finding the joy, finding the fun in something, you're taking it too seriously. But but with this one, with the pain point, it's really interesting to know what causes you the most pain, because then you can actually get close to an address. And so this question isn't again. And I noticed that I love how we're doing this because so many of you at home may be listening or watching and saying, you know, I feel just like Whitney where when I'm reading this, I just feel embarrassed about who I am.

And actually, like, that's there's no point in feeling that.

Or if you do feel better, allowing yourself to feel that, but then still looking and getting closer to it is actually what's needed.

And I think that is by design. I think we were as children told, relax, calm down, not feelings, not valid feelings aren't true. That's why their feelings. Right. Feelings aren't facts. So it's like, you know, I think if if you had if we had had this conversation five years ago, I would be like now I don't feel that I was in such denial about my feelings, you know, because I was taught that feelings were weak.

And especially as a woman, you're emotional, you're crazy, you're neurotic, you're sensitive. And so I feel like I was in so much denial about them anyway. So I love that we're doing this. If I can do this publicly, you guys can do it.

Yeah. This is this this is so genius. I love this because and with the expectation one that's been really interesting for me because I agree with you.

So I have being able to live a life that's surpassed all my expectations, like I didn't expect anything. Like I never thought anyone would care about any of this stuff that I'm sharing at all. When I started, I just really believed in the message and believed in the wisdom. And that's why I started. And and at the same time, I I feel a great sense of joy, feeling humbled by my expectations of myself. Right. In the joy of wanting to channel, be more connected, be more deeper.

My practice is almost from a point of view of like not taking on the pressure for myself. That's what helps me is realizing that, hey, this isn't about you. This isn't just about me. There's there's wisdom books, there's traditions.

There's messages I'm trying to share that I also know what your monkey mind is doing. Like, you know, when you're disappointing yourself or you're not. In my case, you know, because I picked I feel like I don't live up to my own expectations. Like I know what I'm doing. I'm creating impossible expectations. So I feel like I'm not good enough because that's how I felt in my family of origin. And I'm just recreating a comfort zone.

Like, what if I'm good enough? Then what? Yeah, then what?

Not getting those neurochemicals. I'm not getting that familiar pain that you were talking about. And then what? You know, so it's, you know, something my sponsor said the other day. She goes, your model for the week is let it be great. Yeah. Just let it be great. Like let yourself be. What happens if you're great? What happens if nothing's wrong with yourself? Because for me, if everything's fine or I've achieved something or like, you know, celebrating, it's the Damocles sword is hung and the other shoe is going to drop.

I associate good feelings with when is this going to go away? So I'd rather just stay in the bad feelings because then I don't have to deal with the loss.

Yeah, you've just reminded me of one of my favorite stories that that actually I didn't put in the book.

It's it's a story told by the Buddha, a feeling you'll get another offer for a book deal and you'll have a sequel here. It's it's a story that the Buddha used to tell. And in this story, it's like this. This person comes across a river and it's a fast flowing river and the person wants to get across to get to that destination. And so they're looking at and going, OK, well, what do I do? What do I do?

What I do? And they start noticing that there's some bamboo sticks around, that they can find some rope, they can find some things to make a little raft. So they start gathering. All of this stuff laying it on top of each other, trying to tie it all up together, and they finally create this raft and then they create a little or with a stick, and then they go on to the water and they get to the other side and then they get to the other side.

They go, this person says, oh, wow, this this raft literally saved my life. Like, this raft is amazing. Without this raft, I would never have crossed this river. And so what they do is they strap the raft to their back because they like I have to take this raft with me because it's so important to me. And so they start walking, start walking, start walking. And now as they walk away, they now come to one of the most wooded lands in the world.

So all these trees are in front of them and they start trying to get through and they realize that they can't get through because this raftis strapped to their back and they're trying to maneuver and swish through.

And then they come to the realization the person realizes that actually this raft that got them here is not going to help them go through this. And they have to let go of the raft. They have to let go of the thing that actually saved them in the past to help them get through the past because it's no longer relevant today. And the Buddha obviously goes on to tell us that that's hobbit's. That's how a mindset's that's even our skills and our strengths.

We may have had something that saved us five years ago, 10 years ago, but don't hold on to it because you think it's still useful, because actually it could make your life, life a living hell, like trying to get a raft through the wooded land would actually be a lot harder.

But what if there's another river? Then you'll build another boat, another off. That's the point you'll put on that bridge. You figure out again because you know, you've done it before so that you can always go back to. But sometimes you have to leave behind the tools or at least put them back in the tool kit for now and learn another tool or learn another approach. And I think that's what 12 step is. That's what this is. That's everything we're discussing is just us going, oh, well, there may be a tool that I haven't yet got my toolbox that's going to help me, which is why we say one day at a time, because not yesterday.

Not tomorrow. What about just now? Yeah, right. You know, so stop trying to solve problems or anticipate problems from five days from now and you can't stay clean on the shower you took yesterday. Like, stop that, you know, so it's like, I love that. And you don't start a cult. You hate money because I am so in. What is your favorite way?

I'm dead serious. We created one today. It was cocreator. Oh great. Yeah. But we need a cool name. We need a good name though. Like it needs a name and needs a logo. Yeah it needs a drink I think like a monk also your next one should be thank God.

I think like a man because there's so much about gratitude. I'm, I'm fully work for you now. What is your favorite way of working for getting a loan.

But with mentors and guides. Be in a team as a leader, see independently but with a strong network deep in a team as a member?

Oh, see, I have this constitutional need to be special and I'm like, none of these apply to me because I'm so special. Which is means I'm glad you said that it's important. It's a big part of the addictive personality to go. No one understands me. No one knows the kind of pain I'm in. I'm so unique no one will ever get me, which is why I need to do this addictive behavior. And I'm different. So I had I'm having a little bit of that.

That's good. I'm having a little bit of it come up right now. I would go because I'm like I do this weird job where I do stand up and it's oh. So I would say it would be independently but with a strong network because I do what I do independently. But I couldn't do it without the fans in the audience. Yeah.

So yeah, it's this, this question is all about the energy that you thrive in. So a lot of people, for example, feel the pressure today to be leaders or entrepreneurs or CEOs, because almost like there's this influx of like excitement in the industry today of seeing more people be founders. And now everyone thinks they have to be a founder or everyone thinks they have to be a YouTube, because that's the cool thing. And so so it's like everyone wants to be the front of house interest when actually a lot of us drive being Steven Spielberg.

Right. Or a lot of us drive being the person behind the camera. A lot of us drive being the person, the two wonderful people that we have it today.

We're recording service like there. So that's what we call it. That's what my therapist always says. She's like a worker bee. You don't always have my matchbox with bees. You don't always have to be the face or the hero of apple. Sometimes you're not the best qualified. Everyone is sort of the queen bee of there of there's everyone's a what did you say? Everyone's the singer. Yeah. Just the band looks different you know. Yeah. That's interesting.

What like like my producer is a singer, like everyone is a singer. There's no background, it's just a different dynamic. Yeah.

And that's definitely I definitely see total value in that mindset. And then you see it the way that people can apply it to their life. So there's this great conversation between Steve Wozniak and Steve Jobs and they acted out in the movie that they made. And so Steve Wozniak and I'm a big Steve Jobs fan. And if you haven't read Walter Isaacson's book on him, it's amazing. And so Steve Wozniak looking at Steve Jobs and having an argument and he says to Steve Jobs, guys, what do you even do?

And imagine looking at Steve Jobs and going, what do you even do? And Steve Wozniak goes, you're not an engineer. You're not a coder. You're not a. You're not a marquito, whatever he says, he says. What do you even do? And Steve Jobs says he says musicians play their instruments. I play the orchestra. Yeah. And it's that understanding of the unique strength of light that may be the best violin player or the may be the best string quartet there.

But his role was not being good at any of those. He doesn't have to play the violin or the viola or the whatever it is, he knows how to bring it together. And I think that's what we get confused by sometimes, is that we see the people on the front cover of magazines or the front of the show. And we think that's who I need to be to be happy or successful.

It takes 50 people to make them. And then, you know, and it took me you know, I made a movie and I kept thinking, I'm directing a movie. I'm directing a movie. I'm starring in the movie. And you think I'm the most important person here. I have all this pressure on me. The most important person on a movie set is the sound engineer, someone who they will never know his or her name necessarily. They are the most important person on a movie.

You don't realize it till you get post, you know, costume most important. So so, you know, I think that we are I'm so glad you brought that up because we are in such a mean moment. I'm as everyone can be, there's this it's becoming more democratic, the fame and wealth and rising to fame. And yeah, it's like everything's a team and you have to be able to play well with others and respect other people's.

Yeah. And actually as talent, you respect your team more because you realize the value they bring when you know your personality type and you're done.

By the way, we're seeing sorry, more and more the people who don't understand that are getting canceled. Yeah. It's like it's the jig is up, you know what I mean?

Like the people who are now there's that human resources department to really get. Yeah, yeah. I'm the top one again. And this year alone. But with mentors and guides, I function best when I have a lot of space, when I have a lot of stillness, when I'm alone, when I'm working with myself and I can tap into like people have really excelled in their fields. And by the way, for a long period of time, that was just books like I grew up reading biographies and autobiographies because that's all I had access to growing up.

So I loved reading about MLK and Malcolm X and Steve Jobs and David Beckham autobiography I read. And it was just. Yeah, and it's just, you know, I was I was drawn towards real life stories because I couldn't ask them myself.

And I think that we're just in such like. But but but culture. But isn't that person problematic culture like Steve Jobs? Like he of course. Yes, of course. He was a dickhead sometimes. Of course. But you know, the things that I love about Steve Jobs, number one, I love that he had a uniform.

I'm not even joking the amount of decision fatigue. Like, I wear the same thing all the time because, you know, when you wake up and by the time you pick your shoes and your outfit and your makeup and your hair, it's like you've already exhausted your brain and you've already made fifty decisions at eight a.m. So that was such a big part of why he did that. And I think we can all learn from that, because if I learned anything from having to interview hundreds of people over the years that no one gives a shit what you're wearing.

Yeah. And you've wasted so much time and energy on it.

So I love that about him. And then there was also the story. I don't know if it was in the book about sort of like, you know, we just talked about perfectionism. But I think this is the type of what I call like healthy good perfectionism, because it is ultimately self care and just good business of he they had made the iPods, remember the iPods. And he they were tiny. There were these little tiny iPods. And he was like, can it be smaller?

And they were like, it's the smallest music machine that's ever been made. And he's like, but can it be smaller? And they were like, well, like, why don't we just put these out and then we'll try to make them smaller later. And he walked over to the fish tank and he put the iPod in the fish tank and a little bubble came up and he goes, there's air in here. It can be smaller. And they and this is what I loved about it.

They had already made like a couple million of them. And they were like, well, why don't we just release these?

And then the next round will make them smaller. And he said that's what other companies would do. Yeah. So they waited a year to release by making it the imperceptibly one bubble smaller.

And it just it made me think like, just wait, just measure twice, cut once, just wait, do it right the first time and don't settle for that.

Like I will just fix it next time around. I'm sure you got your book or when you kind of just when you want to give up and go it will be so much easier to just do this. Go that extra mile.

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. And it depends on I always feel like with the yeah I am I haven't said this for a long time, that there was a mindset I had about to make it simple for myself with the small things be impatient and with the big things, be patient. So it's like if you're putting out like like if I'm putting out a post on Instagram or a video or like something that's almost like ephemeral in the sense that it's, you know, it's going to be relevant for like twenty four hours and then the noise takes over with that.

I'm not going to obsess over getting it right because you can and you're going to learn more by putting it out there, see if I have a thought or an idea and I'm like, oh I want to see what people think. Let's tweet out, let's hear what people say. I love the one that you put up the other day. Obviously, I was reading out to my wife.

Well, we're doing a lot of putting a mountain taking down these days. Oh, no, I haven't got a reception and good data, but it was a really good one. But if you have a tool like that, you put it out and then you get feedback. But if I'm putting out a book that I truly believe has timeless thoughts and wisdom in it, then that's going to require more cultivation and more focus.

And you know what is making me realize? We talk a lot on this podcast of how to get self-esteem. Right.

So a lot of people, these Instagram posts like have self-esteem, have self love and is like fucking how. That's not science. You can get it by liking an Instagram post and how it works. And we talk about self-esteem and pride. And I think we forget about pride being a sort of close relative to self-esteem.

And, you know, the way it was explained to me that resonated was in order to have self-esteem, you have to do esteemable actions, service your behavior, pride.

So when you do something at work and put in that extra hour or put in that extra day or that extra week or whatever it is, you're investing in your future self because you get to have pride in the way you behaved. So at the time, you're kind of like, oh, this isn't worth it and I fucking hate my boss or I've already worked too hard on this or whatever your inner child petulant reactions are, you get to benefit later and you get to live being proud.

There's no worse fucking feeling than me looking back at my book or a movie I made on a TV show I did. I'm like, oh fuck, no one else cares.

But I have to sleep at night knowing I fucking gave up at the finish line. Yeah. Like I gave 80 percent and like, I have to live with that forever and then my self-esteem takes a hit. Yeah.

And that's, and that's a positive way of looking at because it's like, you know, if you didn't do your best and even if everyone else loved it, if you're true to yourself, you know that it could have been better and not let you down.

And that self-esteem, self-esteem, for me, it was also like very simple, like, you know, especially in this pandemic, everyone's home, like putting on a pair of fucking pants, not a bra, and carrying myself with dignity and integrity. You know, that is how we build self-esteem. Yeah.

And the opposite is true, too, that you may create something that you think is beautiful and no one will appreciate.

But because you know what you put into it, you'll still value it all.

And that that's so powerful that.

Oh, OK, I love that because a lot of people are like the fucking people came at me in the comments and I'm like, but did you agree with them? If you didn't agree with them, it's not going to hurt.

You know, if you really were proud of that thing, if you really gave it your all. No one can fuck with you.

Yeah. Some of my favorite videos of my least watch videos or at least like my some of my favorite podcasts, I've recorded at least one in four million views of only 20 million people.

Watch this one.

But even with podcasts like my least, listen to a podcast like sometimes what I feel like, oh, I was just, you know.

Yeah, on Onvia having a moment of like this revelation and no one sees it, but I still feel satisfied that I put it out. Yeah. And there were a couple this year I did these podcasts, which were like it was cool, the interviews with the dearly departed. So what I would do is I would research the work of people I look up to that passed away and then I would interview them with questions that would I would ask them today if they were alive.

So it was it was fascinating to try and find answers in the work of Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, Steve Jobs and all the many other people about things that I thought that they said that were powerful in the past that still apply to today. Yeah. And it was like no resonated. It didn't do well. But I love Detroit. Like, I love the process of, like, researching and like and it was like no one wanted to hear people.

Unfortunately, in my opinion, for me, Maya Angelou and Maya Angelou. And then I would have done one for you know, it would've been amazing to do one with like, you know, like like that's the kind of thought process that I had behind it.

But did she. Can you imagine if I found out from you, right? I know you had me. She had me for a second. That was like I was like I was like, yeah. Like you literally had me.

I was like, this is like, what do you what have you delivered the news to?

This is going to change. Yeah. You really have not been in a place a praying a. I'm sorry. You got me, you got me the because because it is leading into my honesty. I was like, oh no. I was feeling for you because I had an experience the other day with someone else that I was about to interview and we didn't get to do the interview because they just found out like that second moment it really affected them.

How would your ideal self spend spare time, a reading and deep discussion and reflecting be learning about issues and or attending political events?

Oh, see, there's no such thing as spare time, networking, connecting, working. That's mine and enjoying time with family and friends. Mine would be there's no such thing as spare time, networking, connecting, working. That's weird. I've definitely I've done eight years of al anon and codependents anonymous.

That would have been me. Shites. Do I have a personality disorder? No, I don't. I can't I can't verify that this is a hard one to answer.

There's no such thing as spare time, networking, connecting, working. But here's what I'll say. This is how much of a workaholic I am and how I think I've learned to manage my time. I'm very lucky that a lot of the people I work with are my friends. Yeah. Yeah. So a lot of my networking, connecting, working is spending time with friends kind of buddies for the gram.

Yeah. OK, but it's more like I get it.

You have to be telegenic, you've got the high powered, you have a million followers. OK my friend, you qualify. This is very healthy. Yeah. I saw that banner on the only and if you have. Yes. We were ushered in very quickly. Yeah. Oh. What does this say about me. So I think it's there's no such thing as spare time. That's, that's mine. I have shame around it but it's the truth.

But there's no shame in that. Yes. Yeah. There's no shame in it. It's fine. OK to you are.

You're right. You're right.

The idea is to get to know your authentic self, not judge or at that end and then decide whether you want to then I can actually address that. Correct. Yeah.

Then otherwise what we do is we make our intentional and ideal self feel like who we are. Right? So what we do is we go, OK, that's the one I feel embarrassed about being. So I'm actually just going to say I'm my ideal self in my heart because that's what I'm really trying to be. So I'll give an example of what I mean. But there's a there's a really good study that I share in the book about the good Samaritans.

So the good Samaritans obviously trained to be good people and do good in the world and be kind to people. They're told that they have to give a speech on being a good Samaritan and they have to go from their classroom in building A to the exam room and building be where they'll be tested and have to give this speech. But they're told literally like 15 minutes before they have to do it. So they're all stressing out. So they're stressing out, the stressing out.

That's just how they run down the building. They start to run across to the exam room because they're told you've got 50 minutes, you've got to give the speech. They practice on the way. And someone with a really hot leg is lying on the floor. The decoy, it's not real. And there's someone lying on the floor and they found that over 50 percent of the good Samaritans ignored the person who is in pain on the floor to go and give a speech about being a good Samaritan.

So they didn't actually do the act of being a good Samaritan. And that's what happens when our intention of being a higher self doesn't match with the action of being a high yourself. And so when you address and you say, actually, you know what, I should have stopped and taken care of that person and helped them up and been better to them and OK, well, then I can change to become that.

But if you just ignore it and go, oh yeah, I know what the value is, I know what the higher value is.

Does it make sense? Yes. Total sense. No, I was just my comedian brain kicked in going and I was just like, how good of an actor was the obvious thing to be.

Oh you're like, is that a terrible idea? Yeah, true. True. That is a really good point. I think I think you should make sure that you go into these studies and make sure they pick good actors. The casting, those terrible ones, like I have to go I'll come back later and do this. Weird. That's improv with you. That is really brilliant. I love that. That is brilliant. I've never thought of that all along.

It was the bad idea to pretend it wasn't bad.

When you're really in pain, you're just kind of quiet and sit back and catch up.

Yeah. How would you describe yourself in three words. Idealistic, introverted, insightful, be driven, dedicated, determined, see passionate, motivated, friendly, deep, caring, loving, loyal. Yeah.

As your as your guiding force of how you live your life on a day to day basis. Like that's how you have to look at this question. It's like when you wake up in the morning, what's the first thing that comes to your mind? You know, is it is it driven? Is it determinism? I'm going to study like my photo.

Yeah, that's my first thought. Everything I think I've been liking a lot of you happen.

Yeah. Yeah, they've been really good. You got my check. Yeah. I don't know. I didn't get the money. I didn't make it. I don't think so.

I have to be honest. I want to be passionate, motivated and friendly. And I think I am those things. But if I'm going to be honest, I'm be driven, dedicated and determined.

I wake up like me to got to got to achieve something. Gotta do it. I'm with you on that.

I got to be passionate, motivated and friendly and caring and loving and loyal. It's like I, you know, so I think it's see in what type of environment you work best. A remote, still silent natural be a meeting room or gathering place. See anywhere and everywhere. D a specific space specific to my type of work home office laboratory. I think I work best in a meeting or gathering space. I do need to be accountable. I need and I need to be a little bit competitive.

If I'm going to be honest. I need to see other people working, even if it's a if they're not even working, even if they're secretly on Facebook and watching porn or whatever, I. Pretend they're working and I think I'm falling behind and it motivates me. Yeah, see, the reason why what you just did and this is what I'm hoping everyone's going to do when they read this part. It's so important to know that because now you actually have a pattern that you can repeat until it's not true.

And so most of us wake up in the morning and we go, I'm not motivated to work today. I don't like what I'm going to do today. I'm not happy to know whatever it is. And it's like, well, have you created the right environment or have you put yourself in the right space yourself? Up to where have you? Exactly. That's all it is. And the only way you know that is if you answer that question and have the reflection you did and go, OK, well, if I go to a gathering place today or if I go to this place and I'm around other people, let me see how I do.

And then you go and you test it out and then you're like, OK, that didn't work. Let me try the other one. Right. And so if you're unsure, it's just about trying all of these options rather than just leaving it up.

And also just in just surrendering to something, not working, going I guess this is the way it's always going to be exactly like that's me with exercise, like I am. I am not good with holding myself accountable. I will go exercise. I'll be on my phone half the time. I'll be standing around, I'll decide. I need to, like, clean the bathroom tiles and then I'll be like, oh, well, I guess I just didn't work out.

I get distracted. If I work out with a buddy, I, I don't need to change this about myself. I don't need to go to therapy and I just need a buddy. I just need to have a buddy with me. And that's it. Absolutely. It will have this. Yeah. That's that's definitely that's me. I need to have my trainer and that's the only way I'm going to be accountable. I need to try to impress somebody.

I need to see them working out so I feel like a slob comparatively. I need I need my friend, my comedian friends filming me so that I'm trying to impress Instagram. Like, I don't need to change that about myself. I don't need to go. I need to figure out a way to work out a lot and love it. I don't have time for that. It does. I accept that about myself. But the definition of insanity, we talk about doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.

Just make another choice. Yeah. Just work out with a friend. Exactly.

Give it a go. It's so easy. Yeah, that's it. Easy. That's that one. What's your work style. So in reflective, focused and organized fast and rush again.

If I can deliver the same focus there with that question, it's just going deeper and deeper and deeper. And that's what I tried to do with the thirty three odd questions is, is how deep can we go so that you get really and that's what it is. It's what we're doing with it is actually what I love. This is genius. Like this is why you're a genius because because doing this with you has brought about far more interesting conversation than anything else, but also because this is how everyone should use the book.

Yeah. And that's why I love it. So I do this.

Your friend also doing a friend talk through it like it's such a and have people call you out like, you know, I, I would love to do this again with friends going like that is totally not you.

And then you could see how you're perceived by others that, you know, it's like this is such a great way to like excavate your identity and also have so much I'm reading this.

I'm like I'm kind of a badass.

Like, I kind of, you know what I mean? You can see I think we're just so you know, I feel like people at this point and this is like we were talking about earlier polarity thing like I feel like everyone is either. Thinks they're better than they are now or thinks they're worse than they are. Yeah, yeah. The worst people I know have the biggest egos and the best people I know hate themselves. This is a nice way to kind of get some congruence between what you actually are.

You know, like I'm going like, oh, OK. I've done more. I'm I'm further along than I thought. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I'm more self-aware than I thought.

I was like, I don't have to keep believing that old story that I wrote ten years ago about myself or that my parents wrote for me or that my ex wrote for me or my brother wrote for me, like this is like you're like rewriting your story. Yeah. How do you prepare for a vacation? Oh, now, hey, by picking my reading material, I'll be having a focused plan of key sites to visit. See with a list of the best bars, clubs and restaurants deals with an easygoing attitude.

B For me I'm the same for I mean we're both Virgo September 4th and sex. They are having a focus plan of key sites to visit. Yeah, that's so I don't always have to do it though.

I am a person that I'll preplan preplanned pre plan, which I really encourage everyone to do this because I'm realizing that I need something to look forward to, especially with everything that's going. No, we can't go to shows. We can't do go to movies we can't like. Planning things to me is almost as good as doing them. Yeah.

Yeah. Just having in the kalinda's, I'm that person that I drive my wife crazy, like I need a schedule for the day to know what we want to achieve, to do the fact that your wife has the one man that makes the schedule and doesn't appreciate it and I will have words. I'm like I want to schedule.

And even if we don't get to all of it, I'm OK with that. And I want to know that we made a plan and that we were trying to get through all of this. We're mind. We need it. I want to know what what I'm going to say.

But see, here's where we start thinking. People don't care about us in the sense of because our answer is, B, we think that if someone cares about me, then they will make a plan. But what we don't realize is that that's not how they're wired. So for them, how they feel loved and show love is easygoing. No, let it die.

And that's where it gets so fragmented in relationships because we so I would be like that with my wife would be like, well, you obviously don't love me enough because you're not organized about the schedule of the day. And she wasn't there. But I just don't think like that. And my parents never my parents always did all the planning and we just went along with what they did and where's my parents wanted me to plan and get involved. And so it's so interesting how we start looking at these things as gaps in our relationship.

And that's not necessarily true.

I'm literally gonna start crying again because I fill in the blanks, silence, lack of planning. I turn into rejection and being forgotten about. If you're not making plans or giving a schedule, you've forgotten about me, you don't care. And I'm not a priority. So I just had this happen where I'm seeing someone who, by the way, has a busy life, has all the things you want in a partner, has stuff going on and has a purpose and meaning and isn't addict and infatuated and obsessed.

And I was like this person not making plans. This person isn't checking in with me every day. We don't have a schedule, but then shows up when I do see him with like a gift and here's a mask and has been thinking about me. But I need proof. Yeah. I my love language or my I need constant check ins which is like. Childish. No, it's not. They also have a job like, you know, it's setting the real it's being.

And the other problem is we feel guilty to share that with someone because then we feel weak and the needy and the needy.

You know, we need you to be needy to me. So I don't have to be needy to you. Yeah, I'm asking the other person to be needy because I'm needy.

But me and my wife went through this in a massive way because I realized that when I was growing up, the way my mom always apart from giving me a lot of love personally, the way she showed up for me on my birthday, where she would always give me the one thing I always wanted for my birthday, it was a very big deal, for whatever reason, getting me the gift that I wanted that year. And so gifts became my biggest love language.

And my wife comes from a family where they just spend quality time together and they, like her dad, would take the day off on a birthday and they'd do something as a family and that kind of thing. And so for me, I'm like, where's my gift? And, you know, for her, it's like, where's quality time? And so we went through this for a while where I had to really express why gifts were important to me, because because of her upbringing, she couldn't understand what gifts were important because of mine.

I couldn't understand. And that's the point. The love is understanding and understanding takes time. And understanding means I'm OK with that person having a different wiring.

This should be a workbook for couples. So you should do this with your person because it'll help you understand what the other person values.

Yeah, correct. You can't pretend you don't value something like if you're going to go like, no, I don't care. You don't need to call me. Like first of all, you're lying. Yeah. And second of all, they'll never understand how to love you and the things that you value. Not to say you don't still need to work on that. I shouldn't need gifts. Yes, I'll work on that.

I've worked on it. You can still work. You know, I'm the same way and I'm giving gifts is how I shall. I know you give me give you a gift. That was a gift. And I was going to bring you a gift today to know.

I know now I know that, you know, I'm giving gifts person I don't like receiving because it makes me feel awkward and and cancel the Rolex because it's like remember one.

But you know, I'm giving gifts person, but I sort of recreate and victimize myself with it because I give gifts. And if someone doesn't receive it the way I need them to, I then feel like they're not receiving my love.

I if I if I give someone like like a necklace and they're not wearing it, the next time I see them, I'm like, it's not a real wear this, right?

I don't think so. You'll break your neck. I got him something that's like an antique, you know, me and my animals. You guys, I love animal figurines and I think everyone should be surrounded by animal figurines at all times. And and so if someone doesn't, it's not really a gift. It's homework. And it's and it's it's a forced on.

My gifts are something you have to enjoy and use all the time. When when we record the podcast at mine, I'll put it right in the middle of the day just for you. The gift is for me, OK? And you need to show everyone I gave you a gift. I want everyone to compliment the necklace. And so you say Whitney gave me this and so that you're spreading the reputation that I'm a good person.

I'm the person is worth checking and going. Did you get did you get it? Did you get that? Because I haven't heard back from you. So I was just wondering if you had got lost by the mail. I haven't seen it on Instagram. Yeah. I like this isn't to tell everyone about the gift I got you. I need a picture. I need a selfie. Like there's no point of my kindness is very conditional and you now work for me full time like it is.

I know when I send flowers or something I'm like, did you get it? Did you gather, did you get it? I got a thank you. I can say like, oh God.

And I and it's the hardest when you try to find something really rare and specific for that person. It's so personalized. And then they say, yeah, thanks, I got it.

And I'm like, OK, OK, you're not crying. Yeah. You didn't you didn't change your life like OK. Oh. And say, oh whatever. Yeah.

It's so wild how much I need people to receive a gift the right way, which is by the way my new thing. I remember I was at a alanine meeting a couple Christmases ago. Holidays ago. Sorry, I know Christmas is canceled and this woman said she goes, My work this year is to give half as many gifts I gave last year. And every year I'm going to give half the amount. Wow. And last year my goal was to only give five people holiday gifts.

It was so hard. It was so hard. And guess what? Nobody gave a shit.

Yeah. Nobody gave a shit. I didn't lose any friends. No one was mad at me, you know.

And it was such a healing experience to not make my life chaos before the holidays, running around, buying people gifts that they don't need or want or, you know, it was like and that was all about me looking generous and trying to make them like me and whatever.

Yeah, I just but I just also love giving gifts.

Yeah. You know, I love receiving gifts. I'm really happy, but I like I'm going to like send you a really long. With loads of emojis like that, you got it. I love receiving and you know that me giving a gift is about me and not you. How do you feel if you make a mistake? I do. I do want to say a couple more things before we because I know there's a couple other questions that I'm skipping.

How do you feel if you make a mistake, A, I feel guilty and ashamed. Yes. B, I have to tell everyone, C, I want to hide it. D, I reach out to someone supportive. I feel guilty and ashamed.

I feel guilty and shamed first and then I probably do D which is reach out to someone that can kind of give me some context of reaching out to someone who I think holds me in high regard and sorry, not high regard, holding me to a higher standard, sorry, hold me to higher standards and will be able to speak about it with me without judging me, because I need to not judge myself. And sometimes I feel like we need someone else in our life who doesn't judge us for a mistake.

And we go, oh OK, I don't have to judge.

And yet I realize you'd even make one. Yeah, that's it. Might just be your perfection totally. You know, reach out half the time when I think I've really fucked up. I call someone supportive and I'm like, I did this thing like. So we all did. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And also nobody cares. Nobody's thinking about this. Just delete it down is no one's thinking about you. Yeah. You know it's like my therapist always says she's like I have good news and bad news.

Nobody cares like this huge mistake. You think that's obsessing about like you're not trending.

Yeah yeah yeah.

And yeah I love that one. And I think it's so important that people have different people. They call for different things because the mistake we make again again, the opposite is that we tell one person everything. Yep. Or we tell everyone everything.

And both of those don't work because that one person gets completely drained and distance from us because they can't deal with that level of overwhelm. And then when you tell everyone everything, we all know what that goes like. Yeah. So it's so much more important to be OK when I have a career challenge. Is the person I go to when I have this, I go to this and you may say, well, how do I start? It's important.

Stop building those relationships with people in your life that have different skills that they provide you and you provide something back to them to and also don't go to the problem for the solution.

And I think I tend to isolate that with I need to be honest and authentic. So sometimes we conflate oversharing with I'm going to be authentic and I'm going to set a boundary and I'm going to tell them how I feel. And I'm to be honest, that's not always healthy communication. Agreed. We say restraint of pen and tongue like you like. If you're my problem, I'm not going to come to you and expect you to have the solution know.

So I have a problem with my family. I might go to my friends or my program or my Jayshree book or whatever it is, or my podcast to get a solution. And then I'll bring that solution to the relationship. And the solution might be to say fucking nothing and to have just dealt with to forgive or to turn it over or to go for a run or take a nap or join a 12 step program or something. Chances are the person you have a conflict can't solve the conflict for you.

Well said.

Because that's their issue in the first. Yeah. You solve the conflict with them. Not not you solve the conflict with them, but not they're not going to solve it for you as well said.

And if you are going to come to them, at least know what you're coming with and know what you want from them. And if you're ready, if you're going to come to them with an ultimatum, be ready to carry it out. Don't come with threats and know what you want so that you can know if you're getting it or not. Yeah. Do you know the other thing? Sometimes we go to people with like you hurt my feelings and then like, do you want an apology?

Do you want to promise that it's never going to happen again? Do you want them to understand and what's going to happen when they don't validate your reality? Yeah. Then what's your plan?

One of my favorite tools in the relationship chapter is something that we had to do a lot as monks, where you're very careful about the words you use because you realize how much power each word has.

And so there's a great study by Harvard, which you can type in on Google. It's called The List of Emotions, and I often referred to as emotional vocabulary. So all of us have a very limited emotional vocabulary. We literally use five words. OK, good, bad, fine. Right.

So how's your week going? OK, how's your day been? Good. How's your project going. Fine. Right. Like that's literally all we saying.

We in 12 step programs we are. Is it off limits word. We're fucked up insecure, neurotic and emotional. Like nothing. Nothing, nothing. Yes.

And so this list of emotions by Harvard goes through each keyword that we say most often and breaks it down into like seven other words that actually define what it means. When you say you're sad, are you actually offended, irritated? Are you upset? And it gives you all of these synonyms, but it's helping you diagnose and articulate how you actually feel. So when you do approach someone, you're actually coming from a place of giving them clarity, because half the time you diagnose yourself wrong, it's like you see a little rash and you try and diagnose yourself on Google and you to say, yeah, yeah.

And you get it all wrong. So it's the same things.

It's so important to use words where you've got really close to what you actually feel.

That's the only way someone can, actually. And it's not the other person's job to decipher it. It's your job to be clear. It's your job. To say it right, it's not their job to be psychic and figure it out, so it took me a really long time at thirty eight years old, it took me a really long time to incorporate the word frustrated.

I'm frustrated about this. You know what I mean? Like, I'm just I'm restless. I'm irritable. I'm just like, that was a big one. And we talk about this a lot on the podcast and halting. If you're hungry, angry, lonely or tired up, you have to solve those on your own before you engage in adult. I realized, like, if I have a problem with you, before I even bring it to you, I have to.

Am I hungry? Am I angry? Am I lonely? Am I tired, though?

I love that.

Before I even start a conversation with you, I need a snack because half of the conflicts I am in, I just. Mommy needed a bagel. Yeah. And like, like half of my problems go away when I just like take a nap and I'm like, oh, I wasn't mad at you. Actually I was sleepy, you know. So it's also making sure we take care of our most carnal impulses before we decide to even honor those feelings and figure out what they are.

But it took me a long time. Yeah. It's not like I'm mad at you. I'm sad. It's like I'm frustrated. I'm disorganized. Yeah, I'm listless. I'm confused.

That was also a big one for me. Confused and jealous. I used to conflate a lot of angry and disappointed. I used to conflate a lot and everything for me is scared. Yeah. I've also realized I'm jealous. I'm angry. I'm scared. I'm just scared. I'm scared of losing you. I'm scared of you not liking me. I'm scared of you leaving. It's all fear of abandonment. Yeah. So it took me a long time to realize that that was pretty much everything.

Yeah.

Breaking those words wasn't so important.

So important. And you're an adult. That's your responsibility to use the right words. I'm in a conflict.

And the positive words to like it's defining also like for example, when someone says I love you, they might mean I want to spend the night with you and someone says, I love you and then I want to spend my life with you. Those are two very different. And so when you hear the word love, you're projecting your belief of the definition of the word love onto that person saying and you go, I love you, too. And you've just have not agreed on the definition of right.

And you've just projected your definition on what you said. And they said and you said that it met in your head. Yes. Because your word definition was off. And I know that sounds crazy because when someone says I love you, well, let's define what you mean in my second special.

I don't know, how do you want me? I was on Comedy Central. I don't know where the fuck it is, but yeah, I did a whole bit on I Love You and what it means. Oh, I love it. I have to agree on a common definition of love and I think my definition of love is being willing to die for someone that you yourself want to kill. I think that's sort of lot.

But it's also a lot of times I love you means shut up like I love you. I love you. I mean, we use it to manipulate. We use it to tell someone to come. I love you, baby. I love you. I love you. Like, we use it a lot. It's thrown around a lot. Yeah.

You know, you've totally desperate need to watch that, that if you can find it. Good luck. What do you do when you have to make a big decision. A I reflect privately. B, I ask my mentors and guides. C I weigh the pros and cons. D I talk to family and friends. What do I do when I have to make a big decision?

I take a sleeping pill, I do sleep. I it really takes me a long time. I'm really bad at making big decisions. I get very overwhelmed, but I usually think. If if, if, if the answer if it's not a hell, yes, it's a no, like, it's the answer's usually no for any decision. For me it's usually no. But it also depends on who if it's an authority figure, I have to tell I'll sort of get scared that they're going to be mad at me and I have to sort of work through that.

And then I'll ask mentors and guides, what do you think I should do? I'll outsource the decision to someone that's not emotional because I get too emotional.

Interesting. I go private minds. The first one I reflect privately. Yeah. I need to like I found that getting away from noise and everyone's opinions and expectations and messages because then that starts messing with how I feel and now what I feel is made up of everyone else's feelings. And I don't like that idea. And then you've recruited a bunch of people and now they're invested in you executing what? Their advice. Correct. And so I don't enjoy that at all.

And so I'm like, I want to take all the my own responsibility. But that requires me to get away and make my mind up about something.

And then I come back with my version and then I'll check in with mentors and guides, because sometimes when you ask too many people and they give you their advice, you're like, oh, I don't want to not take their advice. Yeah, yeah. And they're going to be mad at you. Like, I got a message in my jacket because I'm taking their advice. They're going to like judge me for. I spent an hour of your time and I'm not even taking it and that's my worst nightmare.

So I was like, no, definitely. But not all that interesting. OK, last one, which best describes your daily routine. It changes moment to moment B, it's very focused and organized. C, I follow the best opportunity that comes up. D, it's simple and schedules.

Oh, I mean the D you're a dealer. It's simple on schedule. It's that's the healthiest. I would say. I am going to be honest. I wish it was simple and schedule, but I do think it changes moment to moment because I'm so easily distracted and I can never figure out how to use fucking Dropbox. So I spend I think, my day's schedule and then I spend half of it trying to download a fucking video. Yeah. And then I'm like, I need to fire everyone.

It's very yeah.

I think it's it changes moment to moment and I would like to work on that because I'm delusional. I tell myself it's simple and scheduled, but it's not. Yeah, but that's great.

So you accept and then you go, OK, this is what I want, let's pave the way rather than being.

Oh yeah it's but it's good, you know, like people tell themselves things to try to convince themselves, like when people go, look, I'm not crazy and you're like, that's literally what a crazy person says to try to prove to themselves that they're not crazy. And you just made me realize that I say things about myself like, well, I'm just so organized and like I just have my shit together and like, I run a tight ship and it's like I'm I say that.

But it's not necessarily true.

It's called In Steve Jobs. His book, Walter Isaacson called it Reality Distortion Field. And so you have the ability to distort reality based on how you want to see it. And so you can get as extreme as when it said that when Steve Jobs denied having a child, for example, it was referred to as that in the book, at least. And so that's how far it can go away. If you want to remove something out of your memory, your life, then you just block it out.

I do it with money, too. I think we all do like we all have it to some degree. We all practice it all the time. And I think having people who can catch you on those blind spots or doing activities and exercises that make you aware of those blind spots is useful.

It's like people who are like, I hate drama and you're like you love, oh, my God, you're obsessed with drama. You love it like that type of shit.

Well, attachment and aversion in the bulgogi to it says the two sides of the same coin. So when you say I love something or I hate something, it's the same same level of attachment. So in the sense of like we were always trained as monks. They're like being a monk. And a lot of people get it wrong. And obviously there are female monks, too. But a lot of people think, oh, if you're monks, then maybe you just want to be with women or you don't like women.

How you that cannot be a reason for being a monk. You can't dislike women to be a monk like hate or lust, almost two sides of the same coin where it's still that you're still completely wrapped up in it because that's still all you think about.

You know what's so interesting? I'm a wait. Let's say we don't I don't don't forget that because I want to come back to that. But we should finish what? Let's see what shit I can't if you go through. I don't know. I know. I don't know if we did that. Wait, hold on. I had it your dogeared. OK, what did we get. What what did I win. What do I win for being.

So I don't know. We need to count. Answer key to tally your answers now post selected letter reflects your mana.

Yeah. So which ones do you have to go through. Each of them. You good at math. What a nightmare. I went through with it and I think I was a maker D.

Yeah.

Make it would make sense to do what you do. I think I was a maker so you can be a guide, a leader, creator, maker. Can you just tell me what those mean real quick. Yeah.

So a guide is someone that is who absolutely loves dealing and thought ideas, thinkers, ideas, people who are always like basically on a very intellectual and mental level, leaders of people who are always considering others wanting to protect, wanting to provide a good president would be a leader in terms of a personality trait. They have the ability to think beyond themselves. Creators of people who just want to build, grow, make great entrepreneurs. Makers are talented people, artists, people who perform, people who also work great with their hands.

They may even do arts and crafts. People are fantastic invention. So that's a very quick versions of what they are. And there's deep ones in the book. I love this. I think you should.

I think this is something you should do like every couple months. You know what I mean to. You vote, that's the other thing, because it's like I think I'm big on growing and changing and like changing your mind and changing your opinions. And I think there's this thing now where people like I'm this type of person.

It's like, how would you want to stay that way? You know, why would you want to get new information and keep your former opinion?

It's actually exhausting to try and stay the same because you're just constantly, like, trying to hold on to something that's trying to change. And that's why I mean, you know, for me, the whole point of thinking like a monk is actually the biggest curveball in your life because becoming a monk is actually the greatest act of rebellion. It's the most random thing you could potentially do in society. It's off the wall. It is. And so it's like all of us need a bit of that off the wall thinking in our life, because that's kind of what brings you back to balance of where you are.

So you have to go off, become a monk. But what's the most off the wall thing you can do? And I don't mean crazy or can be crazy. It can be whatever you want it to be, but you just need a bit of that allowing that in a rebel that in a loud child to have to have a moment.

I want to talk about this thing real quick about hate. You know, that hate and love are so similar.

So I had this attachment and detachment like attachment and hate, like, I wouldn't say love in its pure form. I'd say love in it's attachment lust, co-dependency coming back, but it's in its codependent lives.

Like we you know, I've had this thing happen where, you know, a lot of people that I had just inner conflict with. I've had on the podcast recently and I've been like I used to, we used to not like each other. Right. And they're like, what? And I'm like, oh, I like. And they're like I'm like I totally made this up in my head.

I was projecting all over you to recreate some childhood circumstances or something. But I had this, you know, I hate the word stalker. It's such a weird word. I'm sure you get all sorts of weird shit now. But, you know, I had this person that was like reaching out to me and calling me constantly and would show up at my house and all the stuff. And and then we started looking into him and I had to talk to him on the phone.

And basically they were like, if you talk to him, it'll break the spell and he'll stop stalking you, which is like actually really rude when you think about it.

They're like they just have him talk to you. He'll leave it.

He'll you'll scare him away like that's what it was like. Trust us. Like just if he talks to you for twenty minutes, I'll get annoyed and move on. But it sure enough it happened and sometimes people just get obsessed with someone and then it's about the chase for them. And it's some kind of psychological thing that I hopefully will never relate to. But I started getting information about him and I started looking him up and I started figuring out where he was.

And I started following him and I stopped and I realized that I was so much more obsessed with him than he ever was with me when I started stalking my stalker. And I and I still and then I'm like, why isn't he so follow me and why is he in Chicago and what he's like?

And it was this weird thing where I just realized, like, how much, you know, I don't hate him.

Yes. But how much our negative feelings about people. I love him. I'm in love with him.

I mean, that's what I realized in a perverted way that yes, I was like, I hate this guy and I'm obsessed with you. I love you. And it just made me realize, like, how close those wires are. Totally, totally.

And when I was great, you when you hate someone or dislike someone, you're drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die is what we say. Right. So it's just sort of it just you really made me think about that and. And just about, ah, you know, how nervousness and anxiety are so close to each other, excitement and nervousness are so close to each other totally.

And if we can spot that and be aware of that and then go, actually, what I'm feeling is excitement as well, there is nervousness. It just changes it. And this whole idea of changing how you see things, I think it's a way and I said that when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change, and it's a really beautiful statement and you'll fucking find what you're looking for.

Yeah. If you go through his phone, you're going to find something because you're looking for it. It's a confirmation bias to that, you know. Yeah. Can you say that one more time. Yeah.

When does that when you change the when we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change and the best example I can get from because I was like, OK, let me let me try and find science on that, because I love finding like love that everything you talk about is based in science.

Yes. Thank you. Yeah. No, that's a big part of me. Like that's huge for me. And and it's it's what I loved about monks' brains. And all the scans amongst brains show that this is all true.

So there's all these like people on Instagram. They're like, if you do this and they'll like find the man of your dreams, if you just meditate with this much, it's like where the science. Like who? Yeah. Weren't you an actress on the CW? Like where what. What with what are you giving me this advice. Yeah.

And I have a busy but I have a lot of friends who waste money. They connect with us religiously like there's like studies that back all this up, which is because to me I always to know why something is wrong or else I just can. Yeah. My brain can't understand it. So I just I love that it's like science nerd shit.

Yeah. So this one you like then. So Amy Wasniewski at the Yale School of Management, she looked into they, they said, let's find what we think is the hardest job in the world, like the toughest job. And they think they they think they found it, which was like hospital cleaners. So people have to clean up after people pass away, clean about the people who use the bathroom. Just, you know, they felt that was probably one of the toughest careers on the planet.

And so they went and interviewed them and they asked them to describe what they did. And a lot of them said, we do low skilled work, we clean, we take care of the worst stuff inside. Like all this stuff you'd expect. They describe the job description and then they asked some other hospital cleaners who do the identical job, and they described themselves as supporters, healers, transformers connected to the community of the patient, the family, healers like they saw themselves as someone completely different.

And those people were happy at work. And so Amy was new skin, a team name. This job crofting where how when Wendi's quote, when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change because they saw themselves being connected to the patients healing, being connected to their family, being connected to the work because they thought about it differently. They got a new human experience from it, which, by the way, that is so touching to me.

It's like with having had two parents have strokes and be in the ICU, like, those are the heroes like that, like the person that came in and dealt with. That was the reason I was able to be with my dad before he died. You know what I mean? It it's that's how I see those people that's so interesting. Like the second you find yourself minimizing what you do, you know, look at it from that perspective. Like I remember when my parents had strokes, I was like, well, I'm just fucking in TV.

And I, you know, we're always in like, we're not curing cancer. We're not. Right. We just tell Dick jokes. I'm a comedian and like and I was just like being so hard on myself with my career choice. And I just like, make television and like, this is dumb. And why am I doing something good for the world? Why aren't I, you know, giving back more or something?

And then I went into the ICU. I was there for a couple of months with my mom and I.

You go around and everyone's watching friends and cheers and Reba and everyone's just watching TV shows, you know, and you're like, oh, hey, I get to do that thing.

Everything everything that everyone does can be out of service. Everything can be used in service of others. If it was made from a heart of wanting to help people in whatever that challenge was, whether you're making TV or whether you are, you know, serving a meal at a restaurant or whatever you're doing, it's serving someone. And I think we forget that we start thinking that service is only this, this and this. What are you going to do?

What's next? Well, we've got this cult that I'm working on.

I'm telling you, this cult is going to be so lucrative. Like, I cannot wait, cannot wait.

I'm going to go a name yet. But I've been told I have to work on that. Things that you're doing a cult and then. Yeah, and then.

So how is all this Hollywood shit then for you? It's a lot, yeah.

You know, it's been really it's a good question. It's been really interesting for me because I didn't it's really I was born and raised in London and then I lived in New York for two years when I first moved to the States. And then I moved here two years ago. And I've I've yeah, that's that's how long I've been here. And and I've just built some really wonderful, deeper relationships with a lot of great people. And and I think because of what I do, it kind of turns away people who aren't into that kind of stuff.

And so so it's almost like the people that have that I have become friends with all people who want to meditate or want to improve their lives.

They want to do that. And so it's fun for me. Sometimes it's scary.

I mean, I get it took me a long time to want to look at myself. You know, it's scary. But no, I was asking because I was just looking at all your appearances and you've been like on so many TV shows and stuff.

And there was one that really you probably didn't even notice this was happening. Man, I just need to fucking roast whoever this person was. You were on some, like, morning news show. And I don't I don't even know who the news anchor was, but he kind of tried. This is you're so successful now, you're gonna start getting people jealous of you. And, you know, that kind of shit is going to trigger people, I'm sure.

But this guy, like, tried to be like, you know, I know you guys have seen him on social media. He's a big social media star. But his message is about meditation and this and this. And I was like, what are you trying to say? Like, he was trying to point out some kind of irony between being big on social media and that it might go against anything you say.

I'm like, bitch, how else are you going to spread your message like that? It's such a boomer thing to think that it's anathema to be famous on social media and a powerful healer or philosopher.

Thank you. That's very kind. And my honest answer to that is no one mainstream would listen to me or give me an opportunity. So I had to read it. So it wasn't even like it wasn't even like I was like, I'm going to go get to follow on your morning show, Fox. I had to get ten million followers in order for you to have me on. It literally was the truth that I. I've been talking about this stuff for fifteen years since I started getting into it.

And I've done this offline for longer than I have offline. So I online. So I did this for ten years offline. Just I would speak events with five, ten people, ten up in London, four years. And there was about money was my followers didn't I just wanted to do this because I love what I have. And in the last four years, since I took it online, it's turned into this big thing. But for me it's like that wasn't the point.

The point was just I was pitching my idea to like TV companies and entertainment companies and media companies in London saying we need more awareness on TV. We need more mindful that we need the Kardashians. Yeah. And they and no one would give me a chance. And so I and long story short, after literally a ton of rejections, I ended up at a TV training day for ethnic minorities run by the BBC, Pinewood Studios in in England. And I go to the studio and there's like six brown and black people in the room and we're being trained in presenting.

And I went there to check whether I even had any skills to be in media to share the message. And at the end of it, like you've got some good skills. And I was like, great, give me a job. And they're like, there's no jobs in media. And I was like, you brought me here to tell me there's no jobs and media and then you should start a YouTube channel. And so me starting on social media, wasn't even a conscious, intentional thing and actually had massive limiting beliefs about it.

My response to them was, well, that works for Justin Bieber. It doesn't work for me and no one's going to care. And then I'd run out.

And then at the time, YouTube and social media was more of a cesspool of mental illness, not wellness, you know what I mean? It's like the Internet was like for porn. Yeah, it was it wasn't like the stuff that was going viral or was working wasn't necessarily positive. And. Yeah. And so for me, it was never about it was just like I just had to find a way like that. I was like, I have to find a way and this is the only way that works for me.

So and it's not selected so negative about social media.

Like it's like, you know, it's it's what's so wrong with being the healthy, warm respect between private jet photos and ass selfies? You know, it's like it's amazing, you know, what you're doing. And I think that, you know, so many people have gotten, you know, free mental wealth from social media, like there's this, like, trend in podcasting and celebrities where they want to talk about therapy. I'm like, most people can't afford therapy.

Even if they can, they don't have time, Jane. I mean, like, therapy is such an elitist luxury. And that's why I talk about 12 step programs so much because it's free. You can get it on Zoome. You can get it on. That's amazing. You know, it's like this whole therapy and a lot of therapy, by the way, doesn't work. A lot of therapy is it's not the right match. A lot of therapy is talk therapy, which actually just reinforces your traumas and re capitulates your story and.

Crystallizes this wrong story and a lot of therapists are invested in keeping you there, and they don't do apply tools like MDR and hypnosis and tools like what? We just did that quiz. So so I just love that what you do is available to everybody at their convenience and they can share it with their friends and tell you you're extremely kind.

I'm so grateful.

I want to say, well, you really got to me and said, yeah, no, no, I'm grateful.

We like to hear that. It means a lot because I'm also just you know, when I became a monk, I followed my heart.

When I left being a monk, I followed my heart. When I started this, I followed my heart. And so I'm just following my heart. And that's look like lots of different things. And I've accepted all of those. I get that there's paradoxes in how I live and think, but I love that. Like, that's what that's hope. So that's the fun of it.

Like, I don't think anyone is just one thing and none of us are just one thing. And I think when you lean into the paradox and go, yeah, I love both of these things equally, but also there's no this is what bothered me.

The guy was trying to make a point that it was a paradox that you are you and you think like a monk on social media. That's not a paradox, dickhead, that it depends on who you follow. So if you're only following you like Fox News and like Kuhnen and conspiracy theory, stuff like, yes, your feed is going to be a little wonky, but like, that's not my feed. Yeah, like like that's not a paradox to me.

To me, it's actually the most aligned with what you're saying to be available to everybody and democratic. And yeah, I just thought I just I was just like the bother. It's just like watching some of your interviews. It's funny to watch people I get that. Do not think like a man coming home. Mom, it's so funny to watch, but I just I just get really honest answers because I don't have anything else to give. And I mean me.

I'd be like, what are you trying to say? Like I literally would have been like, what are you trying to make a point that why are you trying to come for social media, Boomer? And you were just like, anyway, so this is what I do it like it was just it's so funny to watch a healthy person talk to, not only not at all.

It is definitely being a next level elevation in having to think like I like the challenge that the challenges that I come across have made me believe deep in all these practices and practice them more deeply because I can get shaken immediately. And those being attacked or being questioned or all that kind of stuff is like when when you're coming from a good place, you can sometimes be naive and sometimes people are triggering to to you know, it's we say in program when when you get healthy, the sick get angry.

Well, it is triggering this 12 step program.

I'm telling you, I've heard about a lot from Russell to Russell Brand. He's known for a long time and he talks about very highly and phenomenally hearing you today. It's just I mean, it sounds like the best program everyone should take. It's free and and I recommend it.

It goes so hand-in-hand with this. I think there's a lot of stuff in your book that I would have, you know, because before program, I was such a black and white thinker. And I think that I think that your work would have thrown me a little bit had I not already been in program.

I would have just been like I would have gotten to perfectionistic about it. And I wouldn't be able to say I have all of these things in me. I didn't think that many things could be true at once, you know, and I was such a control addict because what I meant on is an addiction to control, perfectionism, martyring. You have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and your relationships are you know, you shape shift in relationships and don't have an identity like it's it was sort of perfect prep, certainly, for getting the most out of your book.

And by the way, toss out programs. You don't have to be in it for every day. You can pop in, you can pop out. It's there. There's no I think people think it's like I'm in a program. I have to be in it forever. It's not that. And it's it's a true miracle of programs, of a true miracle.

I don't know. I have I have to let you go.

You have nine hundred other podcast today. Not only easily the hardest person to schedule is.

Well, no, I just be like, no, no, I don't. I just mean you're you're the man.

No, not a good thing. No I this was I mean, this was so much fun. Like genuinely. First of all, we're friends now. Yeah. We're starting a cult together, starting a cult and. No, but I mean it like this. We have different work styles, but well I was so looking forward to this.

And I think the only thing that happened is I went to Iceland in between that that I think was that was amazing for your book. For work. Oh, yeah. No, not for the book. Yeah, for work. And it was just I've been looking forward to this because I'm a huge fan and admirer and and I watch you all the time and think hilarious. And when I saw that you liked my work, I was like, what?

I was so like I was still like when it comes to like I was I just never imagined that you would even care what I did. And so so then I was just like, oh, this is so cool. And the way this conversation is going has shown me exactly what I like, I I really love how you went about this, and it excites me so much that I got to share what I do in a way that hopefully connection resonates with everyone you connect to resonate with, and more importantly, that we've built a relationship through it.

So for me, I was in when you when I saw you were looking at my work and stuff because I've been to everyone and you're friends with everyone else that I fell in love in. And I was just like, no way like. And so anyway, I was very I was very humbled and taken aback when when you took an interest universe has conspired to bring us together. And yeah, it's funny. Like, I just my goal today was like for you to not have to regurgitate the same thing you've been to.

I know what it's like to be promoting something. And you're just like we assume that if someone goes and likes you on something, they're going to watch you on something else. And then they have to see you said the same thing you just fucking said. And then you're like, it's like, I hate going to interviews or I'm like, I've already told the story. I just said this on something else. So if someone loves what you do, they're going to watch all of your appearances.

And my goal was to be able to maybe do something.

This was the most unique interview style. And doing that, that was genius. And I'm glad because I I don't think I said anything in his interview that I said anywhere else to go on autopilot.

So glad. Yeah, I love that too. Like, I think on the same that when you come back on it's going to be the same thing. I'm hoping that we can go somewhere that you don't get to go.

And so that's when I go. So how did you get to comedy? I'm like, this is you can find the answer on Google. I've answered that hard to be a woman in comedy. I've answered that already. Like someone can find that now I'm a hack that's repeating myself and people think that I'm a broken record. And now what? Don't make me be annoying. Yeah. You're making me be the worst. Totally. Don't make me be boring to the fans.

Like, please ask me another question, literally anything except is it hard to be a woman in comedy. OK, I'm doing your podcast soon. Tell us about the podcast. Find it everywhere. Listen to this podcast. When when when it comes on.

Only that only that one. Think like a month. Anything else you want. And these very awkwardly. I don't ride elephants don't ride dolphins.

Great.