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Why this is so weird. How did I what did you hear? I don't know if I could convince you to do this.
I'm actually I go on, like on your Instagram, like every day, and I watch, like, your stories every day. So it is kind of weird for me because it's sort of like it's like watching the Kardashians and I'm like here and the Kardashians home.
I'm Rob predicts that I feed the whole like it's like you're in our show and I feel like I'm in your show. Like, it's just this weird two worlds colliding.
All of a sudden I have been thinking about you coming on. I was think about you a lot last night, not in a creepy way.
And and I was like, she just seems so you just seem like such an angel to me. And I worried I was like, am I going to be good at interviewing her? Because I don't sense any ostensible brokenness from you.
I don't see any dysfunction.
What if you just start crying right now? And I know like, there's I don't feel like dysfunction from you.
I don't feel anything sort of like negative.
And that's what I tend to be able to, like, latch on to. And then we started texting and you're really funny.
And I was like, oh, maybe she does have some damage because you were so funny over Tagg's. It's funny that you were worrying about this because I was worrying about talking to you because I'm not, like, exciting. And you seem like very exciting to me. So really super exciting. Like, you seem like a blast, but you're like really fun to hang out with.
Always doing, like, wild fun thing just because I dress like Brad Pitt and natural born killers and I tied my hair pink. This is an exciting Myranda. This is called desperate. There's different lighting to me.
I want to do some like blue maybe. Let's do it. I totally would do it.
I was thinking about you also because I was like, OK. I was like, here's what I'm gonna do in this interview.
She's younger, you're twenty seven seven. I was like, I'm going to help her with all of her problems and that would be great. And I was like, I'm going to help her like not make all the mistakes I made. And then I meet you and I'm like I feel like I learned so much from her.
I could use a lot of help, especially like in the dating.
Tell me, is it weird to date being so famous? It's weird to date, period. Yeah. Yeah.
So it's like horrible. It's like really hard out here really.
So do guys. And you are probably this is the most boomer thing I'll ever say, like all digital. Right.
Like I just joined like a dating app for the first time, like three months ago. Four months ago. And it's been. What's your tag line. Very hard. What's your.
I don't have anything. I didn't put it. I just left it completely blank slate and my twenty my Tinder bio would just have been blank slate lately. You can project anything on to me. I will become whatever you need me to be. So you didn't even put it there.
But I mean my name is there and my age will write it for you.
Last Friday I could use some pretty. You are just like I think my face speaks for itself. No, I don't really need a tagline.
Definitely you in or you out. But I met this, I met a guy OK, and like a few weeks in and I thought like, wow, I should have done this like a million years ago. Like I met, like I'm going to marry this guy. That's literally what I thought. How can you meet him? And when did you think I'm going to marry this guy?
Like the fourth time I went out with him? Yeah, it was really insane. You waited. He really waited long. I held out and it turned out he was married. OK, so OK. You knew he was the marrying type. You were right about something like that. Even this guy's not afraid of commitment. I could feel that from him. Oh yeah.
So much so that he is married. Yeah. So he was on a dating app cheating. Well technically it's a little confusing.
So he had a kid and he was married at one point and he hadn't signed the divorce papers but didn't say that. And like later on he was like then like this isn't going that great anyway. And by the way, I didn't sign the divorce papers yet and I was just like, OK, so that was my first dating app experience.
So, OK, it wasn't great.
Let me ask you, did sparks fly, sparks fly like this?
So he's like, I'm not too you see, when I was your age, I would have turned that into a positive. I would have been like, he didn't sign the papers. He didn't print it out. He's green. Good for the environment.
He saved a tree by not signing those papers. And so how old was he?
Twenty two. Oh well OK. Yeah. What do you do it. OK. OK, sorry. I'm ok. I'm not going to overthink this too much. I was going to really get granular and any break that although I do think younger guys are better.
I've started dating younger guys. My version of younger guys is probably still old and creepy for you, but I just dated a guy who was 30 and they I'm finding that younger guys respect women a little bit more. I don't know if it's because they grew up with Beyonce or something, but there's a lot of reverence or something or maybe it's fear.
And I'm just turning in a reference like our guys were respectful to you.
Maybe I think you're right.
But I'm thinking maybe it's because there's a paper trail and everything. Now with texting, you have to be you have to be like nicer over like text and stuff. Yeah. The twenty two year old played a lot of video games. I spent a lot of time watching him play video games, planning our marriage while he played World of Warcraft.
OK, we do OK.
We do. OK, so what is this? Why do you think that that is something you would ever be? Deserving of you, I don't know. It was bad, but then I'm back on there now. OK, back out there, back out there to head in the game. I don't I still don't have a bio or anything going on. We're going to by the end of the podcast, we're going to have her bio go for her dating.
All right. I would appreciate it. Yeah, I could definitely use some help. And so what attracted you to this person in the first place? He was very cute. And hello to me.
OK, that was it. The bar is. So can I tell you something?
I was think about this the other day. I was talking to a friend of mine and I was like, it is amazing how low our bars are. And we constantly have to re up them, rethink about them like we give people points for things when it's just like you don't deserve points for doing the bare minimum.
Yeah, I was talking to a friend of mine and she was like and he called and said texted.
And I was like, no, no, you don't get points for that. You don't get points for. That's pretty great. You really don't get points.
No, you do not get points for calling calls anymore, especially not a pandemic and just little things like that where I find myself just like really being like why did I give out points for just basic respect.
That's true. I've given up points for very small things. So let me ask you, what would you say in your history of dating would be the most common reason my relationship ended besides you emasculating them because you're so successful? What's the reason you think it is?
Either because the guy wanted to be in a boy band or was already in a boy band?
Oh my God, if I fit on this shirt, I just freakin steam the shirt for you. If I spit coffee on it because you're funny, I'm going to be so pissed. That is hilarious, literally. Why.
Yeah, no, you know my role. No musicians or magicians.
Boy bands are bad though because it's like they're like practicing like dance moves a lot and I mean like if you're over twenty years old and you're still like you're not going to get in one most likely because like and if you're over twenty one and so calling yourself a boy, that is truly the greatest flag of all the red flag.
You're not going to get anyone. Most likely you go to take time.
And so what is the longest relationship you've been in five years. Wow. Oh what do you mean. But it started when I was like fifteen.
So does that count. I think it counts. I think it counts. And so what do you want in somebody? You seem like you get your emotional needs met in a healthy way.
You're very self-aware. Crop your flair, you're very self-possessed. You're like have kind of everything you need. And like what what can a man do for you? What could you possibly need? I just like people that are funny.
Like, honestly, the number one thing is if somebody is funny, OK, I like love funny people and that doesn't mean he thinks they're funny.
We decide if you're funny, you don't decide if you're funny. A lot of you think you're funny or you think you're funnier than you are because you've had a lot of girls laugh at your jokes that are funny and enabled you.
But truly funny and funny doesn't mean. Oh, funny also doesn't mean.
Why don't you give Cher? Cher wants her shirt back. That was mean.
Why do you say that. It was a joke. If you have to say it's a joke after you've insulted us, that doesn't mean you're funny. Why don't you look at me?
I don't know, because I'm trying to think of a share of fresher reference than Cher. So I just look to your direction like Cher or like I love Cher. That's a good that's a good reference.
And so what's your ideal way a guy is going to court you? So you're going to match on a dating app then what he's going to ask you first.
We're going to hang out. I don't want I can't really go to like a restaurant or anything, but that's what I was going to. But I want to get granular. He's going to text you first. I'd be nice, right? You're not texting first.
You're like hoping. Are you texting first? No, I'm not. OK, good. You're not initiating good. No, I've never initiated. I'm too scared. OK, good. Are you scared of things? Yes. I'm a very like scared type.
I would never like text somebody first, even like first of all. Good. But why the fear. I don't know. I just feel like are like I don't know. Like when you're first getting to know somebody like I always wait like at least three weeks before I text the person first. Is that bad.
Like I'll just let them like hopefully they'll say something to me and if not, I'll just like wait it out. No, that's good. That's I think that's actually really smart because I've spent so much of my life running point on a relationship to doing all the work. And then when you stop, you realize there's really no relationship. I was doing their side and my side and I was just micromanaging it and kind of ordaining it to happen. And you have to just do nothing to see how they're going to show up.
It is kind of bad, though, because it's like game playing already at the start. You're not game playing, though.
I think I think game playing is about your motives. You're not trying to manipulate them.
It doesn't seem like you're just like hoping they're interested in seeing if, like, they'll message you. But it seems kind of nice sometimes to reach out. Maybe it'd be better. I don't know.
Interesting. I am fascinated by you.
It isn't. You have just the kindest heart and the kindest, sweetest energy, I guess. Why is there such a stereotype that people that we're fake? When they were young are like a mess. Like, I know it seems like people always think that about like people that acted when they were young, but I started acting in a really weird way, like when I was like three. I am like an agent came up to my mom and then I started going on auditions and I didn't like it.
Like, I did not like auditioning or like it's healthy. Yeah. You're like, that's that's a healthy reaction to what is good. Like it. And then I quit, like, I didn't do it for a while and then my mom like try to get me to do it again. And then I kind of I started to like it like when I was like seven or eight years old. But I still have always been like a basket case, like a nervous wreck over like auditioning.
And I think that it's because, like, ever since I was like really little, it's always like freaked me out.
Like, it should freak you out. It's there is a war on fear. You guys know me and my heartaches. You know, I am pro fear and I'm pro anxiety. I mean, auditioning. I don't think people understand whenever someone slams actors or actresses, it makes me so mad because I've so much respect for any actor actress, because what you don't realize is that for every one job they get three times they went into a room full of like nine adults at a table.
And you go in and it's like being on like nine first dates at once and you have to perform and you're reading stuff they wrote that you have to match what they thought of in their head. Like, I mean, it is such a nightmare. That's why I have to take beta blockers.
That actually sounds really good or something. They were really Whitney Cummings gets Miranda Cosgrove done drugs.
You know, I just see that headline, but really it makes you feel like so beta blockers are all they do is take away adrenaline. So I don't do like people do like Xanax and benzodiazepines. I can't do those. They make you tired. This just takes away adrenaline.
So the nervousness, you know, and then when you go into a meeting or something and then you're nervous and you say something dumb and then you're beating yourself up because you just said something dumb, then you start sweating and then you're like trying to hide your armpits cause you're sweating and it just turns into it's like whack a mole of like a shit show fucking rat fuck nightmare. So it basically just stops adrenaline so you can go and you might still fuck up and have a bad meeting.
But at least it's not because you're nervous or that your adrenaline's got the best of you.
When I was little, I used to like I'd walk by the room and I try to see like how many people were inside. And if there are more than like five people, I'd be like, I don't want to like I'm out. I don't want to go in. Like, I had it down like a very near the science and know your boundaries. I did. I remember one of my No. One of my first auditions.
But when I first started getting like big callbacks and like testing for stuff, you know, the way that you make TV shows as you first go in and a casting director sees you the first person, and then if you get past the casting director, you get to meet the producers. And then if you get past the producers, you get to meet the network. And all this is changing. Now you just have to make a tick tock video in a tiny crop top and you're famous, but this is back in the day.
And then sometimes you would go in and the actor would be there and you'd have to work with the actor that you were opposite. There's like all these stages. It's like Scientology you would let go, you know, the stages of Satan or whatever. And I remember sometimes you go in and you wouldn't know who would be in the room. I remember I remember one time I worked on this audition for so long I was ready.
I go in to meet the producers. Right. And then like, it's a producer session, I'm like, great.
I walk in, there's like ten people.
And like Will Smith, I literally walked out of really thrown me. I walked and I would get on. I literally was just like, fuck you guys, no warning. And all about Will Smith being in the room.
I probably could remember. No warning truly at all. Have to do the lines with Will Smith. No, he was just a producer and he was just like in there that day. And I was just like, fuck you guys. Like I just said that I mean this I was like twenty six.
I had no idea what I was doing. And they started laughing and I bombed the audition. But it's just like sometimes you just have some random curveball like that.
I feel like people, like famous people, if they're in auditioning room, should like hide themselves, like they should be behind like some kind of a sheet or something. David Yeah.
Like I drug like they don't wanna ruin it for like everybody, just like the changing screen.
You know what's really weird, the person that I melted down in front of the most in an audition randomly, you probably won't even know who this is.
Henry Rollins I went to audition for when I first started in L.A., I was doing commercial auditions and I've never booked a commercial because I sound sorry because I here because I sound sarcastic when I'm trying to be genuine.
So I'd be like by Wisk. It really cleans your dishes like I did. Like it never it always sounded like I was making fun of the product.
And they're like, can you actually like pretend like you like the product. Like no, I do like the product and just like never worked and I don't even know where I'm going with this.
Do you know you had a breakdown in front of someone?
Oh, Henry Rollins. OK, so I did some hosting, which is when you go in and you're just like, hi, I'm so and so like I was almost an MTV, VJ or whatever, and I was like testing for those. So they started sending me on like which I now just fully look like an MTV veejay.
Twenty years after twenty years after the audition, I nailed the look.
And so I go in for a hosting thing and it's like some show about. Music or something on VH one, I don't know. What was that, do you even know what VH one is? Yeah, I know, I know it well. She's like, I'm triggered. And I went in and Henry Rollins was there and I I'm from D.C..
He's from D.C.. I actually could even tell you what Henry Rollins song like. I guess I just there's somewhere in my hippocampus, Henry Rollins just like had some kind of power.
I mean, I started, like, shaking and freaking out and I didn't have the wherewithal to go, like, you know, you guys, can I go take a walk and, like, have a handful of almonds, maybe eat a couple nuts, hydrate and come back? Like, I couldn't I just completely humiliated myself.
I feel like there's a tape of that somewhere.
Anyone that worked at VH one between 2005 and 2007, if there's an audition tape of me, please leak it.
Anyone who is a big fan of mine from then who feel this. If you just send in my really killer tapes, I always hope that they burned my tapes when I leave. Like I went on this one audition like a year or so ago and I was supposed to cry like in the in the scene. I can't cry. Like, I literally I can cry a lot in real life, but like when I'm trying to act like there's just no way you're like, I've been crying all morning.
So it's just like a lot of tears. I cry every morning when I wake up. If you catch me any time after 6:00 p.m. and before 10:00 a.m., I'm crying. She just come over that at that moment.
A video of you crying like this, like I can't find I only can't cry because I'm dehydrated from crying so much.
It was so awkward though because they were like that was good. Like good job. But like if you cry, like you could have the part, like they actually said that inside, like in the audition. And I was like, OK, I was like I can I have a moment like to really like get into this. And they were like, yeah, like sure. So I left and I went to the bathroom and I had a tear stick like, you know, oh, I was like, basically, may I can I explain this really quick?
So all of those genius actors that you love have something called a tear stick. It's it's menthol. It's a gas, it's menthol, it's chapstick. That's menthol. And they put it under their burns the hell out of nails and they bend down. Or when they go to rub their eyes, when they're crying in a scene, they put menthol in their eyes. And that makes them cry a lot.
And you think they're geniuses? Yes, sucker. But I went in the bathroom and I got it out and I hadn't used it in like I hadn't had to cry in an audition in like six years. So when I took it out, it had dried out. Oh.
So I like, got it. And I was like trying to put it under my eyes.
I was putting like a ton of it under my eyes and like not it just didn't work at all. Nothing. And then I was just like, wow, stick around.
Your I think they probably were like, what the hell is going on? But but anyway, I went back in and I didn't cry. And then I was just like, thank you so much and thank you for your time. And then I went to the car and I cried.
So that's my bad auditioning story from kind of reason a year ago. And then another time I had to sing time after time on an audition that was like, horrible. I asked if I could do it again and I could just feel like the whole room, like, no, please don't do it again. Why? Because it was terrible. Like when I sang the song was genuinely awful. It like came out like a weird whisper because I was like, nervous.
And when I get nervous, I can't like seeing at all, like not even a little bit.
So I think your chest constricts or something. I don't know why Mutchler like the science behind it, but it was bad and it basically came out like a weird whisper. And then I thought like I get better, like why is she serenading us.
What's happening? When they all looked really confused, oddly sexual, it was, it was really bad.
Like you can sing. What's that, what is that, what is that why do you do that alone, like in the shower? Well, let me ask you something, but you're a public. You're a pop star. What are you what's happened? Or do you think that line what is this?
Is this a thing that you have to do to make people like, you know, it's not they get so jealous of you or do you believe this? I think terribly. Has this business destroyed your self-worth?
When I'm around, like small groups of people, I can't sing. It's like the real thing.
There's no way. But do you have to be self-deprecating?
Is that how you got through life? Maybe. Maybe that because do you don't you think people were probably jealous of you at school? I don't know, actually. I mean, I went I only went to regular school until like fifth grade prior to doing home schooling, though.
And that's why you're so normal. You don't have a theory that schooling made me. Nor can I tell you something. I take I take you know, I'm not for my take. My take is that home schooled people school fucks you up. Dude, why is a school so healthy for people to go? I mean, get bullied by a bunch of, like kids on Accutane that are going crazy.
I mean, in school my last name is coming to school was traumatizing for me, but I know a lot of homeschool kids that are really well-adjusted and lovely and and, you know, hot Kat Dennings and also that child stars.
I have this theory that, like child stars are the same as people I know, the craziest people I know. We're not famous as children. I just feel like we've taken like a couple of the ones that went crazy and just really amplified it.
There's a war on child stars and I am going to fight it to help.
OK, we need to get back to your dating because I'm going to fix this.
I'm going to solve this.
He doesn't text, OK? You're not going to text him for three weeks. He's going to text you. We never speak or we don't speak for about a year.
But I say that's like my dream. But do you get like do you get scared of just strangers? Who are these people?
Oh, you mean because you're just like meeting up with these. Yeah. I mean, of coming with you on your dates from now on.
I mean, why are these people OK? This is really I'm really stressed out for you. Thanks. I'm really stressed out too about it. I've been trying to figure it out for a long time.
You let people set you up? Yeah, I totally would. But I had a friend that would set me up on, like, anybody she went out with once it went really badly, she set me up with that person.
What is that? I do that all the time or I'll like a guy. It won't go well and I'll go.
But you should date my friend like you'd be perfect for her. Always did that. And I'm always like, if they weren't like good with you, like and she'd be like, I don't know, like me feel like you're different than me. Like maybe you'll like him, but it always be like the same problem usually. Right. Right, right.
And what's the most annoying thing that you're finding in guys dating online. Most annoying besides posing with tigers in your photos, you fucking Twitters.
I know that's the worst, but I don't know. Probably I noticed that, like, a lot of guys are like, ask you out and you'll go on like one date.
And then they think that's like like they took you on one date. So like then now it's called coffee. From there I to like sit at their house and like not really do anything or come up with any plan. So that's like a major thing that always happens like one day one good one and then they like did it like that is so true.
One date and then they're like nailed it. Like we went and got lemongrass chicken. Now we're going to just hang in each other's houses for three months. Yeah.
It's so bad like and Mark as a child and it kind of. Well yeah.
The pandemic has made it a little bit more people, but it's like, you know, you can still go on to like Yeah. You, it's like you can still eat outside or whatever. Yeah. I feel like guys like use the pandemic as an excuse to just like sit on their couch. Like I get a lot of that like want to just come over and watch TV. I get that a lot.
And the answer is no. By the way, the answer is fucking hard pass. Yeah. Honestly, next time a guy does that, copy and paste my phone number and say text this person, he has to talk.
I will. It happens a lot. You're going to be getting a lot of text and I have a first three dates, no sitting on couches.
Yeah, I know it's weird because, like, they're scared to put effort in or because they just don't want to or at least stay on the couch. That's true.
They own their own couch. I think there's a sloppiness. I think there's a like a casual a trend towards casual that I do not fuck with because my thing is in the first three dates, I'm looking for the way you're treating me because I know how you're gonna treat me, because I know you want I know what you want first or dates.
I want to see how you treat service people. I want to see how you treat waiters. I want to see how you tip valets.
I want to see the way you behave in the world. I want to see how you talk in order food, how you order. Like, that's the kind of stuff I'm looking for. I can't find that out of your fucking house. That's true. You have no idea.
No. You no idea.
You know, a trend in, like, not caring is cool now. Like, if I just don't care, it's so it's always kind of been like that though.
But not caring is not. It's not cool. No it's it's lame. It's. Ugly and my thing is like, I just don't I don't think that would be the pandemic makes it crazy, but you can still add a level of, like, formality to even being at home.
Like, let me cook you dinner or do you want to cook dinner together? Do you want to do this thing or like put some fucking effort in?
Yeah, it's true. I cook dinner with this guy that and I thought it was so cute that he was like, I'm going to get all the ingredients and stuff and let's like cook together. But then like, you know, in movies and stuff, when people cook together, it's like it's cute.
Like they're talking the whole time and they're like they have a script written for them. They memorize lines and they had people put the fear out for them, onions and crying because someone in post-production edited it. So it looks like they're talking. And like even if something goes wrong in a movie, like if like the mac and cheese is burnt, they laugh and they kiss like it doesn't matter. Well, when I went over to this guy's house and we were cooking, it was like he couldn't multitask.
So like any time I'd speak, he'd be like and I was like, dude, like you went out of your way to, like, get all this stuff to, like, hang out and like, cook and we can't even, like, talk. And I didn't say that. I was thinking that.
And he was just like literally every time I tried to start a conversation, he'd just be like a man, just America's sweetheart.
So I need to be sure, Cali, you really went like this, literally.
And he'd do it all the time, like we'd be watching something on TV and he'd be like, oh, we watch Tiger King, which is like not good, but we watched it. And basically, like, any time I try, that's something you talk during, right? Like it's not like you don't have to like, seriously, like focus on the.
And he was like, everything you say, I'll let you be alone. My bad. This is making me so sad things being interrupted. And then like he was making a steak and he was like I can't like I can't concentrate because I was trying to say something to him. And then it was so weird. And then we like sat there and we ate basically in silence. Oh. And he was like how was all he said was, how's the steak the entire time?
And I was because he made it and I was like, it's really good. And that was literally like the entire that's the only time he doesn't want you to stop talking. If it's about what it's about him is it was so bad.
Can I ask what he did for a living or will that give it away?
No, I don't. He played tennis. Oh, athlete. Oh yeah. I mean, come on. No athletes, no athletes, athletes. Red flag. That's a red flag. Do you want to go through Iran, go through some red flags. OK, so no athletes, no band, no boy bands, no boys, period.
No boy bands, no musicians, no magician, magician, no magicians, musicians.
What else would if a guy says he's a poet, is that know like spoken word.
Yeah, definitely not.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's nothing. No, no. A poet. A poet. People say there are things they want to have kirt texts like I'm a poet, sorry.
Like actors. This is I mean actors. This is a tricky one.
They lie for a living. They literally get paid money for how good they are at pretending and lying. So if you want to sign up for that God speed, you're dating someone that wins awards for how good they are at duping people and lying to people, you know, so it's it's hard to trust an actor.
I also think that actors that work once at work or don't work are the ones who work to only date like bad actors.
Yeah. Then you dating pool is very small and success.
You have to date bad actors. That's the only kind you're allowed to date. So you can tell when they're lying. Like watch their real before you go.
I don't. Here's the thing.
I don't like judging people based on their job because I don't like it when people judge me based on my job, like when they're like, oh well, she's a female comedian.
She must be this, this, this like.
That's true. They're like always exceptions to like you never know. And that said, I'm the first person that when I'm in a fight with a guy, I'm like, well, I'm a female comic.
What do you think was going to happen? Like I said, I do play that card, but I don't like when people play that card at me because there is a very specific neurology that makes us the way we are. So I thought of something when you came in today, you made me realize a red flag.
It is a red flag when you go to someone's house and they apologize about how much of a mess their houses, even if their house is put together, because that's someone who is a perfectionist, that you're never going to be able to live up to their expectations.
Perfection is red flag. You seem like you're really on top of these red flags. Like, have you got them down in like a way who loves red flag? Right. Right.
But it's also a red flag when someone's place is a mess. Like when you went to that guy's house to play video games with his housemates, it was like medium. It wasn't terrible.
It was like it was OK. It's also he told me his mom came over and cleaned it like feel OK.
That is the biggest red flag if your mom is still cleaning your man's house.
Yeah, that. That. Had a good relationship with mom is good, so I'm torn on that one because I will be it's good she was there. I want him to have a good relationship as mom, but I don't want her cleaning his house.
That's disgusting. A lot. Every time it looked nice.
Did he expect you to clean his house because he's used to women?
That's true. Yeah. No, no, no, no. And so what is the what is like if I'm going to ask you out, what's the best thing I can possibly do? Best thing you can possibly like?
Where do I what do I do? I take you to dinner. Oh yeah.
I probably want to go eat or like I've been hiking a lot during the pandemic. I probably want to go hike. I feel like that's good because you're like walking in like doing something. Yeah. Kind of takes away from like the awkwardness and if he's annoying you just push him off a cliff.
Yeah. There's always that I like a hike date. Yeah.
It's not that. I mean the only thing is you might get like really sweaty and that part's kind of gross.
But I think that's good because for me it's like I've spent so much of my life sort of pretending to be one thing for a man and then getting super resentful when I the jig is finally up, when I finally have to, like, show my face without makeup or whatever. So it's like I like hiking. It's like you're going to see me without makeup.
That's real. Like you're going to actually get the real. Yeah. And then you can decide if you're in or you're out. But for me to put shellac cock and grout all over my face for three months, for you to then see what I actually look like, I like just see it.
So Hike's forced me to do that, you know, don't take me to like a dimly lit restaurant for three months and then and then take me out to like it's going to be a jarring to me. Jarring.
Would that be like the thing you'd want to do, like go hiking or. I don't know. It's hard to think of like a first thing to do with somebody I thought was going to be awkward no matter what. Like a little bit. I have to be honest with you.
The pandemic has made me start you. I'm in the fucking face timing for a first date. That's true. A lot of people are doing that now.
I'm into it. We should have always been doing that. We never should've been meeting in person. What were you saying? Sometimes it's like I feel like it's terrible, though.
Over FaceTime. It's like not bad in person. Do you think that's.
I think well, that's because of how good your skin is.
I would want to meet people in person, too, if I look like I don't know, I just feel like sometimes like if you're talking on the phone that it's like a little more uncomfortable than being like right next to the person or just different or vice versa. Like, I am going over, like talking on the phone or texting. And then when you meet the person, it's not good, especially with texting like you ever talk to someone and they're like, really funny.
And then yeah. Them in person and they're like, not funny at all.
Is that what you're thinking about this way. Yeah, that was very pointed to me. Oh my God.
I here's the thing. I get so insecure in person about, you know, like is this cute? Is that my thong.
Right. You know what I mean? And I do my boobs look like I like the idea of being in my own space when I first meet someone because I can actually become it takes the discomfort out of the first date, you know, the anxiety and the stress. I also like it because you can get a little peek into their house or apartment, like right away.
I like to see inside people's homes because the worst is when you go out three dates with a guy and then you go back to his house and you're like, oh my God, what?
You've got a bill and Ted's excellent adventure poster on your wall. If I had seen that note about that red flag I first date, I never would have gotten second to like I like to see a little sneak peek of the and then because I'll say I like let me see. Give me a little tour of your place and then I'll see that he like a move that's like something you will see that he has Black Cowl's psychopath.
Only psychopaths have black towels. And you know this and I'm correct.
So that's an opportunity to sneakily get like a little tour of their place. Why are you rolling your eyes?
I was doing because I like that. I'm correct. I just imagine you talking like that on a date. You're a psychopath.
And I'm correct. I'm telling you, I the first thing I need to know about a guy is the color of their towels. Maybe that can be my bio.
You're like, dude, that's your opener, dude.
Every guy that text you what color your towel black block them, huh?
That should work. Great. Could you imagine your first day with you? Be like. All right. So I have a couple of questions. Yes, dude. And also people that get it. Fucking get it.
Well, that's a good excuse.
I think that I like I like doing like I don't like small talk. I'm not good at small talk. I only like big talk. And when you do like a zoom date or face time, date is your first date. You can get straight in the big talk. Like tell me about that urn full of your grandmother's ashes behind you on the bookshelf. I love how sprinkler what you want to put her. How did she die?
Tell me the details. Like I like to just get into really like let me see your medicine cabinet. What meds are you on?
Really dive deep in, get light end. The problem is the first date is always just a fucking performance where we're just lying and it's just the greatest hits. And, you know, you're just sort of like, you know, I just like to get right into it.
It's like slowly backing out of you, helping her. She's like, I don't really know what actually I'm doing really.
Well, no, I'm up for the help. No, I think it. I think. I think that's important, I think just getting to know someone online, I'm very pro that I think most people think I'm anti that, but I'm very into it because the thing that annoys me the most is when I put freakin pants on and shoes and lip liner and deodorant, Holth and I drive down and you're fucking like, I could have found this out over text.
I could have avoided this three hour debacle if I had just asked, like, two more questions over text. There was a guy I went out with and every single time, like it seemed like he was about to kiss me, I'd start talking about my dead grandmother.
It literally happened like three times. Like I'd somehow work my grandma into the conversation because I like just I don't know why I wasn't like I knew he was about to kiss me and I just wasn't ready for it.
And my mind is the worst because I was just trying to make conversation. But it was like every time it would just be like some crazy, stupid, like thing that I hadn't talked about in like 20 years. And it would be like horrible.
I could be like about death or I'd be like maybe that's what was turning him on. I don't think he backed off real quick. And I'd like to get into my spiels about that. Was this a first date? No, it was like maybe like the eighth time I went out with this guy and like, every time it was like finally I brought it up. I said, like, I can't stop. Like like I just told him, like, I can't stop bringing up my grandmother.
It was that one time I was talking about how she played like balloon ball at the rest home.
She lived that and she used to not want to play balloon ball.
It was actually really cute, like you said this to a man as he was trying to kiss you as I did. Oh, my God. See, I told you I need help. But it actually was cute, though. She used to, like, love to like she didn't want to say balloon ball because she thought she was above it. But then once we'd like wheel her out there, start playing like when the ball got near, she pissed about it.
Well, because it was getting thrown out her playing, I think she was like really trying to get away from her. No, she was above, it seems like reluctantly playing balloon ball because she was reluctant.
She was thrown out. I, I, I mean, I'm perfect. Think I said grandmother playing balloon ball.
Your grandmother and why why did you lie down? Jesus Christ is he kept hitting it. You didn't have to hit it. You do that. It wouldn't have hurt her.
It would've just dropped to the ground. It's a building. Yeah, like that. You that you take it from me. Oh, my God. I had the worst.
I want to say this was like three years ago when I first started dating on a dating app and I went out with this guy. We went on a couple of dates. He came to my house.
We had had like a couple glasses of wine. He followed me back to my house from a restaurant.
There was an animal on Fairfax. So it was like a good 20 minute drive when I lived in Studio City.
You told him he could follow you back. Come to me. Yes, because I drive separate.
I don't drive in a car with you. I can't sit in the passenger seat. I get to, like, car Nancy, and you'll I get carsick. I get just more bossy and bitchy.
And I tell him I have to like you have take a left here. You're going to save time if you just take a ride, like get in the other lane. Like I start taxi driving to I mean, I don't even have to know you to do it. If I, if a guy drives me somewhere, we will be ten years married on the first date. I will just like you always do this. Why are you getting like you need to get over like I am the worst.
So we drive separately. I just know that that's the only way I can keep men sexually attracted to me. And I'm like mysterious.
I drive alone like it's another power move just to be like, no, no. Like I'll drive my car like a power. I know. I'm always like, well, I'm coming from work. Why don't I just meet you there? It's no one. I have an out in number two. You don't have to see me in the passenger seat because you will never fall in love with me.
If you do so, we're driving back.
We come back to my house. We play all the little games that I talk about my book. We play your favorite animal, your the word association. We're like playing little games, like on pieces of paper and like laughing. We walk to the door.
I'm like, OK, he's going to kiss me.
And he just goes, All right, dude. And I froze. It's very rare that I'm speechless.
Did he actually say, dude, when he did it? I did once and I literally was like and he was like, what are you supposed to do? It was a like a fist bump, like a thing. You know, you have to be like, you know, guys like for a minute and you just have to feel it out.
And the secret handshake that we're like, was it like he was so nervous? No, it was just like, all right, bro. I was like, can't.
Even if you're not attracted to me, why not just kiss me just and then don't call me tomorrow like it actually would be.
Just pretend you're attracted to me and then ghost me that would I say, bro a lot.
Now, are you sure that he was just wasn't just saying it is like the button at the it was uncomfortable and then someone told me later he is friends with a friend of mine and they, they said to me, oh he thought you were too funny. And he felt like he couldn't date you because you thought you were too few. He felt you were like more of a friend. You can only be friends with people that are funny. I guess that is ridiculous.
And I remember and it really fucked me up for a while because I don't go out and be like, don't try to be funny, funny, just be serious and just listen and just laugh at their jokes and you know, and then I was and then I got exhausted.
And the whole point was to try to be funny and it's like bad. If if you're not, that goes, I think, more confused than ever.
I did more like she came on the show to say, I'm more convinced than ever. I came here for clarity. We came here to talk. There's enough. I'm just more confused than ever. I think with the right person, you don't have to think about any of the shit that you think.
Maybe because you took him home and you started giving him those psychological quizzes and he's like, shouldn't have Scrabble or something to the game of life. I made him drive twenty minutes following me. And then you were like, what do you see in this in this picture, this version I'm giving him psychological tests.
He's like, All right, I'm out bro. Yeah. Yeah.
I can see how that could maybe not be like super sexy foreplay.
That was I'm trying to think how I ever first. Kisses are just such a nightmare. Yeah, they are.
You know what I noticed younger guys by younger, I mean thirty one younger guy and all of a sudden they ask you if they can kiss you.
That's a big thing. Oh that's cute. I consent is important. I know but or does it kind of ruin the moment because it's like well it's just, it's just sort of like I don't can you bitch. Like we can't go back everyone like it's just like I'm there's a lot in the news and it can send is important.
But also it's like like can I take your bra off. I don't fucking know. Can you like I can't if I feel two alpha in an intimate situation I can't be attracted you.
It feels weirdly maternal like like mommy can I take your bra for Jesus. She can start answering it. Really. Right. I don't know. It's kind of hard. I took a class like I don't know, it might be difficult for you. Can I actually do it. I take your bra. It's a sports bra. I have to say goodbye. I only wish I was a kid at all. It's weird.
This younger generation of men, they ask like like overassessed like like can I do this? Can I do this? Can I touch you here?
And then they just want to put their penis in your butt and you're like Jesus Christ.
Like the mores have changed dramatically.
I feel like at this point.
OK, we're taking a break from the heavenly Miranda Cosgrove under my best fiend, my best.
I don't think that's good. She's my new best fiend. Your best female. Now, my best fiend is the game best fiend.
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I know we love this game is great. It makes me want to dance and like Bob my head, like, it's just there's something really soothing about it. And, you know, we're in a pandemic and we don't get to go out and do as many fun things as we want to these days. But thank God for this. It's super fun.
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And there's a little puppy, which, you know, I love bees. There's a bee with one eyeball. So that's a spider.
Oh, and a bee despite it's yellow. I think it's a yellow jacket. Yellow yellow spider. I and I saved its life. Look at the far right. That's a yellow. It's minor. It's a spider. Spiders aren't yellow.
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Frankly, the cookies. And it's it's. Can I say something really crass if you want to suck your dick? You got to shave your balls there, I said it. You have to make your body inviting for us. You have to make it something we want to climb. You have to make it something we want to jump all over and rob our bodies on.
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You know, it's not a Band-Aid on your balls. You put on one's pants that a Band-Aid on there.
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And then I'm trying to think, what else are you struggling with in terms of dating online? Let's see. I guess just dating in general, I've had like a like a string of very bad like dates like for years, like maybe like seven or eight years. Like it's been a long time.
Every single time I go on on it, like maybe two or three dates, it just goes terribly like it was sort of like a joke between me and like one of my friends for a while, because it's like you can't make it past like three without something going wrong.
But basically, like, well, I went out with this one guy and when he went to kiss me, he bit me and he like first time he ever kissed me, like he bit my lip and then it was bleeding, like actual blood was coming off my lip. And then I was like holding a Kleenex in my lip. And he was apologizing. And it was he trying to do it, like in a sexy way. Yeah.
Like, yeah, that's what he was trying to do and drew blood. Yeah, he bit my lip pretty hard.
So cute and so cute and actual. Yeah.
So anyway like it was like a paper cut of my lip and it wouldn't stop bleeding and I was standing there and it was really uncomfortable. Do you have braces.
Oh no. I was trying to be in a boy band but yeah that was bad. And then I guess that was kind of on me. Like I just felt like it was so uncomfortable I never saw him again. Like, I just from then on out, like, I was just like, I can't like some awkward it's just so weird for like 30 minutes, like standing there, like trying to make small talk with him.
Like apologize as a man is gone with your only job is to not cut me. Your only job on the day is to make sure I'm not bleeding at any point.
And you couldn't do your one job.
Yeah, it was, it was weird.
Literal red flag, red flag draws blood red flag. I mean, I think it's nice.
Like you seem like you're such a clear person, like you vibrate like such a pure, authentic way. I think that you probably end up people reveal themselves to you sooner, which is actually a good thing.
I hope that would be great.
You know, like you see things like my brain will go, oh my God, he cut my lip. Like, this is the perfect wedding story, like my brain. A funny story. Like if it had been a really good match, that would have been like a good story.
I'd be like, oh, my God, Phillip, this would be like so funny in a romantic comedy. And like, I'm going to tell the story, my wedding. And then I would like make the relationship work just so that that was my wedding story.
So you just gone for like five years and you just have this great story with someone in the not like have it work out like this is how it's supposed to end. Yeah, it was kind it could have been charming. I also have like this belief that if you like, meet somebody and they're really the right person, like you probably would just think anything they did was like great. Like you wouldn't think.
I feel like I'm like looking for reasons to like maybe like not make it work like it's and if that happened, I was like, oh, this can't work. Yeah. You're just like looking for an out. Yeah.
Like maybe if you know it's not the right fit or like I'm so torn on that Miranda, I'm torn on that because I think, you know, I there's two schools of thought which is like the cap off the toothpaste, like it's really annoying unless it's the person that you love, in which case it's going to be adorable, you know, but I think everyone that you're sort of you know, your brain is flushed with oxytocin and dopamine in the beginning, like that's going to wear off.
Like, the thing that's super cute in the beginning is, yes, the thing that's super cute in the beginning is going to become annoying.
And when do we accept it and when do we say, get the fuck out of here with that shit?
And it's really hard for me to tell the difference because I can be such a perfectionist and what I'm saying.
And see, that's the problem. And I never know, like, it's very hard to tell where healthy boundaries and healthy tolerance and forgiveness, like how to balance those two things, you know. Yeah. Like what's actually like what's worth fighting for and what's not. And I think it's about it being worth it, you know. Is this person worth it? This is fucking annoying. But like, you know, I remember someone saying to me, a very wise woman who's been thrice married, she said to me, wants something that I'm not I don't know if I believe in it or not.
And I think it depends on where you are in your life. And if you want to get married and if you want to have kids and what you want, I think it's different for everyone. But she said if you can get 80 percent of what you want, go for it. Like, that's like that's a match. Eighty percent of what you want.
That reminds me of how people say, like if you have one good friend in your whole life, you did pretty well.
Yeah, I love that. I love that. I feel like they mostly say that to famous stars like you. I feel like that's a celebrity thing to want is actually a lot. One that's a lot for a celebrity.
So it's like for me, it's like I'm always in this area of like what do I where do I settle and where do I not like what's like too much and what's like the right amount.
And I think that for me the biggest thing isn't about what's the thing you compromise on, what's the thing you settle on. It's you're going to constantly be compromising. It's how quick can you recover. So I have so many notes. I'm such a I am such a high bar for what I allow in my house and in my life.
I have to be able to say, I don't like when you do that. I don't like to do that. And then then be able to receive it, of course. Correct. And recover and not have resentment about it.
So that's that's the thing I need the most. That seems like a really hard thing to do, like to be able to get over someone with no ego. Yeah, you'd have to be like a real good because you're in a constant state of negotiation.
It's like it's like there's there's no you're never gonna find the perfect house. You never find the perfect person. You're going to have to do work on it. Right. Or you have to do work on yourself to make it a better fit. So for me, it's always like just about like, can we work through conflict well together?
It's scary, though, because sometimes, like even I don't know if this has ever happened to you, but like, even if you hang out with, like, your best friend, but you're stuck with them for like a week straight. Yeah. By the end of the week, you're like driving. Yeah. Like like things that you never noticed are happening and like you're driving them crazy and driving you crazy. So, yeah, I feel like it would be really hard to live with somebody and try to make it work.
You know what it is? It's like it's like someone who isn't too sensitive, like you just made me realize, like one of my best girlfriends. We've spent a lot of time together, but I'll be like, I'm gonna go for a walk alone. And she's like, got it. Like, she's there's no like, well, what you do don't want me to come like, well, why don't I go, you know, there's none of that shit.
You know, I can't have someone who's too sensitive who's going to take things too personally.
You know, have you lived with someone? Only my parents. It's really hard. Yeah, it's not easy.
So you live with your parents now because you had, like, a trauma?
Well, I technically, I, I went back and started staying with my parents during the quarantine and I have like an insane amount of animals. And they my mom will like, help me take care of them because I started fostering a bunch of animals, like during the quarantine. And it's been like really fun. I have the two pugs I was telling you about, but, um. But anyway, yeah, it's just like it's kind of like I sort of feel like a little kid whenever I'm like at my parents house because it's like I have the same bedroom I had ever since I was little, like they lived in the same house they've always lived in.
So it's a little weird like to be there. But then I have like my own place too. But I've just been staying there a lot like because of the quarantine and yelling out with them. It's been kind of fun, like to be with them, but also it has its moments that aren't great.
Do you find I find that when, you know, we we grow and we become adults and we mature.
And as soon as I get with my mom, I become 14 again.
Yeah, that's like exactly what it's like. It's like time travel into it and I'm like, Mom.
And I'm like, I'm thirty seven years old. I know it's totally like that.
Like my mom will like comment on, like she'll try to help me pick my outfit before I leave.
I'm like, oh my God, it's happening. Like it's frightening a little bit but yeah but it's nice to be around them.
But yeah a crazy thing happened at my, my house and it's sort of like made me want to go stay with them a while for a while because this like it's really weird, but I went on a bad date and I was at the Arclight like seeing a movie with somebody, he was wearing zebra pants and like just walked in first time I ever met him, like straight up Zapopan.
So it was kind of cool. Like pajama pants.
No, they were like they were like regular like zebra jeans, like regular zebra jeans, like that's the thing, you know, you know, the regular zebra jeans, it's like average zebra jeans, like, you know, as people do OK, where he was really into MySpace and he I think there was like a chain hanging from one side.
But anyway, so we saw some movie and then afterwards it was raining and it like it never, hardly ever rains in L.A. So I was I was kind of like, I don't wanna go back to my place even though my place is pretty close. Arclight And anyway, I went to my parents house and then I got a call at like 3:00 in the morning that somebody had, like, died at my house. And it was the weirdest thing ever because they had, like, caution tape up and, you know, like it was right in my front yard.
And basically, I guess a guy came and he was like burying things in my backyard for like three days. And he buried a lunchbox with like a milk chocolate inside of it in my backyard. And then he buried like knives and like a rope and like a bunch of random stuff. And I guess he'd been in my backyard, like, hanging out there and, like, burying things. Why? I didn't notice, I don't know. And I'm just like, apparently not very observant.
And then I found out later that, like, all that stuff was there and that he had been pacing my back yard with a gun. He also looked like crazy, like he was wearing like this long trench coat.
And he had, like, a little dress better than your date and your pants. Yeah, he was pretty nicely, but yeah, he was just like pacing in my backyard, I guess. And because I have like security cameras. So later when we looked, we figured out he was back there for like like six hours or something like waiting.
And then somebody drove up that had a similar car like that, kind of looked like my car. And I guess he got confused and he thought that maybe it was me driving up. It's just like bad luck. And he, like, shot at this person like six times and he missed because she was in a car. She drove away and then he set himself on fire and he shot himself simultaneously. And then later. So I got to call it like 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning.
This happened probably like 1:00 in the morning. I got a call at like 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning saying, like, where are you? Like, can you come to your house because someone, like, killed themselves there and they were trying to just, like, put it all together. And they still haven't really put, like, put it all together why it happened or like what the person was doing or if it might have just been totally random.
Like he saw me somewhere and he like followed me home and then or something like that. But anyway, they never figured out, like, exactly exactly why. So but yeah. So it freaked me out really bad. And I started staying like back at my parents house and then I got another house somewhere else because I felt like it was.
Should we share the address. Yeah, I should probably tell the address to that house.
I mean, what like are you do need some Lunesta.
Do you need sleeping pills? I have some. Like the only thing I know to say to you is like I have sleeping pills of Ambien like. And how do you cope with something like that.
It was really like just bizarre. But I kind of do like I have like a fantasy of like diving into the story and like figuring out like exactly why it all happened, just because I think it'd be interesting to know, like, who the person was and like why they were there and exactly what was going on. Right.
Right. Yeah. I don't know if that makes it. So if I make it better, but it just seems like it'd be kind of interesting to have like more answers, like I've never obviously had something that traumatic. But from what I have learned, Gavin de Becker, who I talk about all the time on this podcast, the book The Gift of Fear, which is I don't know if you should read it or not.
Have you read it? No. Why? I don't know if you I mean, it's all about this. It's about sort of like how women have developed a sixth sense and how we can sort of like, you know, feel if we're in danger and how we need to honor that intuition and, you know, how we sort of doubt ourselves and demean our own gut instinct now, because we've been told for so long that we're crazy and that we need to calm down and that we're psycho and we're emotional and we're dramatic and we're sensitive and whatever, and that we have the sixth sense where we can go.
Like, I have a weird feeling about that person. You know, when you're in public office, automatically know a lot of the time you just know. And it's like there's no reason for it. I can't articulate why necessarily what I'm telling you have a weird feeling about and that celebrities in particular and by celebrity, I don't just mean actresses like anyone who has any kind of power. You know, you can be a celebrity in your local town because you own the bread shop.
You know, like anyone that has, like, attention coming at the bread shop, that's a thing.
Some places like a rom com, that's a Lifetime movie. You dropped your French bread in romantic comedies. There's always like one long French bread coming out of the groceries. That's like late not rap for some reason. I'm always like in real French. This is in France in the 20s.
And so I'm like obsessed just as like making television.
I'm obsessed with the prop guy that was like, here's the bread. Like, they just put that there's this one loaf of bread that's been in every movie.
It's been in more famous, little more than any actor on the planet. And and basically how, you know, we developed The Sixth Sense and we doubt it, you know, and just like it's called the gift of fear and about how important fear is. And there's all these incredible stories. And by incredible, I mean like horrifying of women that have been stalked and stuff. And who is the woman? Sorry, I don't want to traumatize you further.
I mean, your work is. Oh, my God, I already remember with your grandmother. It's OK. This is a nightmare.
But it's a lot about the psychology of stalkers and the psychology of obsession. I actually love that kind of stuff. Like I'm really interested in, like I love watching, like shows about murders and like how they happened and all that.
And a lot of it a lot of that fascination is our brain when we're scared, preparing and studying and doing recon and research, basically, which the same reason we have nightmares like people. There's a war on nightmares and I will not have nightmares are good. So are you going to be able to live alone at some point you think?
Yeah, I do. I mean, I have another place and I do stay there sometimes and stuff. But like, I need to get you some dogs when you get some big dogs that they say the best security system in the world is dogs. They say that the bark is all that matters. That's right. That's right. Yeah. Like, it has a really good bark. No bite helps, too. That's true. But my dog has like this really great bark even though she weighs like walking down.
But now I just gave it away so. Yeah. Yeah.
I get a really big Yeah. We need to get you like, like a serious dog. All my friends were like making fun of me saying like you got to move out like come on. Like because it was funny because when the thing happened, when the guy at my house like it was raining that night. So I went back to my parents, I was like, I didn't even go home to my house. I love it.
This guy is so dumb. He set himself on fire. Then one day it rains in L.A. You know, the one day you can't catch a good fire. How does a person shoot themselves and set them up? Like how do they even do that? So they haven't even done the forensics on how he did it? Well, they figured out who this is a man who's good at multitasking. And then it was crazy, too. They found like his car like a few blocks away.
And there was like blood and like hair in the trunk. And they were like, oh, he's probably a serial killer, but they never figured out exactly like like the story. And he was like, taking trips.
Do we not pay enough taxes in California? Why have they not dug deeper into this investigation? I think they tried like they tried to dig really deep. They even when they went to where he lived and like he only had a mattress and like whitewalls and they found nothing on his computer and they they couldn't figure out anything. How old was he? Maybe like late thirties. Wow. Yeah.
They took care of the problem. So doesn't it seem fun, though, to try to like maybe not fun, but like interesting to try to figure. Yes, I love the psychology of stuff like this, like what was going on, but bits and pieces.
But are you have you like built a sort of like exoskeleton of armor or have you cried about this.
No, I didn't cry or anything, but I just it's because I. When are you going to cry about them. I cry at one point. Yeah. You cry mentalistic. I mean, this is traumatizing.
Are you like is there like denial. Denial is good. I don't want to take your denial from you. It's a very helpful tool.
I mean I just think because I wasn't actually there that night, it helped a lot because it's like if I didn't actually experience like I almost feel worse for the person who is like I do feel worse than the woman who are. I mean, that must have been horrible. I never met her, spoke with her, but that was probably really scary. Like, could you imagine being in a car and like, all of a sudden someone's, like, shooting at you unless she was stalking you also while she was driving by to stop you.
Your other stalker shot your other soccer there competing over your you're burying in your backyard, but you really do tell this story so like nonchalantly, just like he was burying things in my backyard, there was blood and hair in the milk chocolate bar. Weirds me out, by the way, that I was trying to like the horizon figure you out.
And you're the biggest detail that you have emphasized was there was milk, chocolate.
You're like, I'm a dark chocolate person who eats milk, chocolate. That's the thing. That is the most offensive to you about this whole story. I mean, it's weird, though, like all the other things add up like rope and knives and things, but like no chocolate killing people.
A lot of work. You snack when you have a little treat before you murdered you. Like, what is that about?
So that house are you going to sell? Probably for a long time, though, I kept it because I kept thinking, like, oh, like I'll get over it and I'll probably go stay there. But to be honest, even before that happened, it's like a very creaky house, like in the middle of the night, like you hear sounds and it seems like like people are in the house because it's an older home. So I think I was already, like, not going to have the nerve to be there even before that happened.
So I'm probably going to, like, move on.
And just so you own two homes, I'm putting that in the tinder box.
I own two homes like I own two homes, dodged death, dodged, dodged death. And what was the other night? I don't know. Zebra's pants, police, zebra pants with a chain. So what do you want? Like, I look at someone like you and I'm just like, amazing family, amazing life. I have this theory. This is a heartache that the fact that you had such a traumatic, horrible thing happen to what are the chances that would happen again?
It's true. That's the thing I said about that issue. You going to happen. And when something horrible happens to me, I get so excited because I'm like, it happened, we lived and it's not going to happen again.
My uncle was really disturbed because when my dad died, I was like, oh, OK. That means my mom's not going to die for a while. And he was like, what? And I was like, it's just there's no way. What are the chances? Like, he's out of luck. Yes.
There's like a little bit of a relief that sort of envelops me when something really horrible happens, because it makes me think I have a couple of years of, like, serenity ahead of.
Yeah, because you sort of know like something's bound to happen eventually. Yeah. And then you get your break. Yes.
So now so no one's going to try to kill you for at least another couple of years to be.
And it happened like a few years ago, so it might be coming up to like yeah, I wasn't that actually might not be good for me.
So what do you want in life? Do you want marriage? You want kids? I think so, but I've babysat a few times and it's never gone very well. But people always say it's different when it's when it's your kids. Yeah, but I don't know if that's true.
Know, I think I know a lot of people that think their own kids are annoying, too. Yeah. I think people I know a lot of parents are like it's worse when it's your kids because they owe you and they still act like that. You feed them and you give them your body and you make them like you a little. They still dream to be an asshole. Yeah, you made them and they still treat you like shit. Whenever I babysat, though, I always try to be like like I want to be fun and I like want them to think that I'm like and then it never goes well.
Like if you're really fun with kids, they don't listen to a word you say. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. It's all about respect. Yeah. And it's crazy because it's like it's really hard to gain it from a child like it's like next to impossible. My friend had a kid like in high school and it was so hard to get that guy like me.
I would just like every time he came around, I felt like a lot of like stress, like to try to get into like me. Like, I just wanted him to think I was, like, fun to be around. I kept taking him to Disneyland and he'd be like, how many rides do we have to go? Like he does literally.
It was so hard to like when the kid over. You know what my nightmare is, Benton not being able to take a nap every three hours.
My nightmare is not being able to have a nightmare because I'm not saying that is true.
Oh, that's really sad. All I want in life is to have a nightmare. I have so much trouble sleeping. You know this about me. We've talked about it.
Every doctor in L.A. knows about you. How many times a day do I nap? A good seven sleep is the most important thing to me.
You guys ask me about my skin. You ask me about how I work so hard.
People I sleep is literally the secret to being healthy and prolific. We will be just carrying groceries, you know.
But I need to take a nap. I take naps.
It's just it's a lot on me and I am like the princess in the pea with mattresses.
Oh God. Thank God we have this one now. This helix sounds so addae the way we do it does. But but seriously, thank God this came in.
Didn't we take a quiz. Yeah, we took the quiz. You take a quiz, they tell you the exact matches that work for you based on what you like. It's a very easy quiz. We took it actually on here one time. Oh, that's right. For you. Which, thank God, very specific.
I like a hard mattress that is Tempur-Pedic. I like a what I call Lucozade. Yes.
I mean, it's the it's true. The greatest invention for you, because the amount of text you've sent where you're like. Have you ever used this mattress at the time, just trying out mattresses left, right. You got a helix? I got a helix, yeah. Which one did you get?
I got the super soft. It's like really, really soft like. But it's dense. So you kind of fall into it.
If I could be swaddled, you say you want to feel like your mattress attacking you from like it could choke me today.
I want to sleep on fuzzy pavement because I sleep on my back.
So that's my tender name. I can I cannot stand mattresses where you move around and then the whole bed moves around the helix. It just because I almost change this bed frame.
It was a saga. It was a saga I made bent and we carried mattresses in. Did we post the video of us?
Can we see so many matches? Also, this matches is packaged so well. It comes right to your door. Did could carry it by myself.
I just share this mattress, you open it and it blooms before your eyes like a lotus in the night.
It's quite spiritual experience.
So watch it grow in front of you when you light on it while it did it, which it does not recommend, but it worked anyways. Oh well OK.
So we're giving it all these compliments, but people already know it because it was awarded the number one best overall mattress pick of twenty twenty by GQ and Wired magazine to very snobbish publications. Go to Helix Dotcom Whitney, take their two minute sleep quiz. They'll match you to a customized mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life. Look at me. Look at me. No, Eyeborgs. I mean, I probably have some eyeliner bleeding down.
That's different. That's different. That's a different thing. That's bad childhood, not bad sleep.
They have a ten year warranty and you get to try it out for one hundred nights. Risk free though.
Even pick it up for you if you don't love it but you will love it. I'm obsessed.
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Can I tell you something?
Do it. If it wasn't for Jordache during this quarantine, I think I would have starved to death by now. Yeah, you really want to live like normally you talk about like podcast sponsors and we talk about how much we love them. But truly, Jordache has kept me alive like this. I'd be dead without Dawidoff haven't cooked anything in months. I don't think that's an exaggeration.
I think truly this is a life or death situation.
And I'd like to just thank you for sustaining my existence. You're a hero. I order from Jordache truly three meals a day. I'm going through my order history. For those of you that think I'm exaggerating, look on the YouTube. I'm holding up all my orders. Zankou Chicken was my last order.
Joey restaurants, Joey restaurants, Italian eatery, the 6th.
This isn't like three days, by the way.
Joey restaurants. I'm a I'm a creature of habit. They're great. Well, because what I do is you order something and then you can just go back and reorder the same thing.
Yeah. They bring the food you're craving right to your door.
Vusi, I ordered some Cuban food, California Chicken Cafe, because I wanted you know, and if you don't eat the same restaurant over and over, they also have three hundred thousand partners in the US, Puerto Rico, Canada and Australia.
The Cheesecake Factory, which health nut. And then they do these special offers, health nut volcano.
So I'm looking oh, there's a bunch of new ones on here now. Yeah. Updating all the time.
Can you read the facts? Because many of your favorite ordering food, many of your favorite local restaurants are still open for delivery. Just open door dash and select your favorite local restaurant and the food will be left.
Oh, Cheeto hot Cheetos. Your favorite you can order from 7-Eleven. I do that all the time. I from 7-Eleven. I do it to the point where it's disgusting. I'm like, what's wrong with me?
Oh, look, Jordache doesn't judge. They will bring you whatever food you order without judgment, especially because now they have contactless deliveries so no one can look me in the eyes.
They leave it at my door and I watch out the people for them to leave. Then I'm like out the door and I grab nothing to do with covid.
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Whitney Fishbone Seafood. Is that the catfish place. Oh my God, yes.
I ordered that here when you weren't here that time and I was just here. I ordered this. And it is I struggle with finding any good Southern food in L.A. You guys are like a joke, but literally that is delicious.
OK, that is like I just ordered catfish on door dash. I'm like, save it for the ad.
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They do have hushpuppies. Yeah, they do. What is a hushpuppy?
Do you think that you had your childhood taken from you? I don't feel like I had my childhood taken from me. I don't either.
But I feel no sympathy for your grandma that I did just today. This this I guess I.
I just like I don't know. I think that I mean, look, Hollywoods obviously a very dangerous place for a lot of reasons. Check. My Twitter, but I just think that that that there's just like this thing where they want everyone wants child stars to be so, like, abused.
And it's like I almost feel like it's weird, a weird fetish through like most people's childhoods are like some bad like I did that I'm just like all childhoods are a fucking disaster. At least you got to Filmon and got paid. Yeah. Like people always say, I don't know, like is it weird for you because you didn't go to like middle school or high school, which I guess is weird, but like I was around a lot of kids when I was like it was still like, oh, that's right.
You had a lot of kids on the show. Yeah. If you're in on the TV show, when you're that young, is there any, like therapy? Do they, like, make you go to counseling? Such a good idea. Like why don't they have that. Yeah. So good. I mean maybe they do now but no like when I was on a show I didn't like, they never they weren't like, let's get out of this now.
They were like, if that person is having a hard time, like write them out of if you see something and then like hopefully they'll like walk it off. You walk around the soundstage, shake it off. Oh, that's so funny, Felicia. So make it back up to the makeup trailer.
But some but some makeup on her, see if that fixes her self-esteem issues.
Jean. Drought. But it's really what the fuck do you have to complain about?
I mean, like what do you need a counselor for a TV show that so you don't seem like you get very insecure? I mean, I'm definitely insecure about something. Yeah, I like what I'm not good at math. Terrible at math. And I oh I don't know, like I can't tell you north, south, east or west. Like people ask me like where do you live. Like in relation to where we are now.
I couldn't tell you like yeah that's anyone that's doing that to you is like first of all don't tell anyone where you live. You should know your son blew themselves up in front of your house. So when someone asks you where you live, don't answer even if you know the answer. OK, I'm this is some sort of like Darwinians strength that your brain has figured out how to not tell people where you live because of a trauma.
So I think that's very intentional on your amygdalas part.
Yeah, but I couldn't tell you totally. Do you know, like I mean, I don't wanna brag if I ask you where Disneyland was. Do you know where that is in comparison to where we are.
OK, now, now, you know, from now on, I'm I am terrible at NSD West, but I am also terrible at being wrong.
I will not allow myself to be wrong. So I need to be right is going to eclipse my ability to you and then you have to learn it.
And then now my ego is getting in the way just like, well, you can go that way.
I mean you can. No it s oh yeah. That's what I do. I mean, you figure out a way. I will go. I would go. It's easy to go s I go will you go e and then s like that's exactly what I would do. If you make a circle.
When do you sleep well.
No I sleep terribly. Really like five in the morning and do what I watch TV. What do you watch. Stuff on Netflix. I just watch kissing Booth too. Oh yeah. How was that. It was great. I really enjoyed it. There were some drama with them on Twitter. Really. I don't know about the drama. Yeah. How to get into the. I don't why. I only know the drama. I don't know the exact product.
I just know this like sports betting on Twitter. Yeah. I just like to watch like random movies. Do you have any like Schitt's Creek. I just just amazing. So good. Happy birthday. Dan Levy was his birthday was yesterday. He was our first podcast guest.
That's so cool. I love him. And so let me ask you something. Is there anyone like that you get like a crush on? Because here's my problem with if I was you. Most people can get crushes on celebrities you could actually like. Date them if you wanted to. Does that get confusing? I've never, like, had a crush or I've never, like, been in that situation where I met anybody that was like like Harry Styles.
That would be great. But no, that's never happened for me. Where is he?
Why can't you date him? I don't know where I'm going to get on that.
Well, I will get I'm going to make that happen.
I met hairstyles once. How'd that go? I think. Well, actually, I'm not this is going to sound like such a weird I think he watched he because the show I did was bigger in England, I think maybe than here. And he knew me. And I was like, who are you? And he's like and they were like, he's in a what's it called one direction.
Oh, I was in a band when he's in a band called for West. I don't know what it's called up north west. What's it called. And yeah, he's in a boy band. No, you can't date him. Or is it his solo. Yeah, he's still in it. OK, ok, that looks so bad.
But no musician. We're not doing that. They travel too much. Yeah. I mean someone that's going to be around you need like a fireman. Fireman. Yeah. I'm glad you have animals. I think it's important for people that are have a lot coming at them. Like I feel like you were like they ground you like. Yeah. You were forced to be probably precocious.
You're probably a force to be an adult at a very young age, which that's a big thing with I think I would imagine, child stars. But also what I identify as adult child of alcoholics is like you had to be an adult, very young. You had to cook dinner, you had to handle yourself. You had to be on time. You had to, like, put on the coffee.
Like, I feel like you were to have a job like like five years old. And I like pouring Baileys in the coffee, you know, like and and it's so good to have animals. Right, because they bring out you're like childish side. You get to be a kid with that. You don't have to perform for them. They don't need anything from you. They don't want me. They just love you.
Like, it's so funny to me that your dogs don't know who you are and it's like your dogs like aren't impressed by I don't care. Like, that's so funny to me.
The idea of you like singing in your shower with your amazing voice, like your hits and it's like, oh, can we go clean up my shit mom.
I also have three cats that I didn't mention, but I thought I should probably leave them out. It's getting up there. I actually have one more animal than the legal limit. I was it was only if Animal Control listens to this podcast, you're going to get acquainted.
That's definitely going to happen to me. Yeah, you are hormonal animals.
Do you have are you asking or is the county asking if it's a revolver? Are you going to get rid or. Yeah, it's a revolving door. I have three dogs is like my max of that I have. But then I foster a bunch all the time and then I have like a by said, oh, I'm so stupid. It's so interesting.
The dog, the breeds that were attracted to and what that says about us.
Like you love that breed now. I love pugs now and I never knew you were, but you weren't a punk person at all before and now and you hug.
I'm like, oh my God, it's the cutest thing I've ever seen.
It's so weird the way breeds choose you. Like, I was a pit bull person because I was like, OK, they're misunderstood. People think that they're really dangerous, but they're actually really sweet and scared, which was like me in my twenties, just like all bark, no bite. I was like the roast girl who was like so tough. But I was just like, really sweet. And I just wanted someone to love me. But I, like, had a reputation for that was like off brand kind of thing.
Like, I put out something that was it was a lot of false advertising, which is the same with pets. Right.
And and so I like really connected to them emotionally. And then this one Sharpey that I rescued, I mean, Sherpa's are like the pit bulls of China. They were bred to fight. They were bred sort of very similarly. Yeah.
Which is why they have such wrinkly faces. It's so the blood can drip off them and they can continue fighting. Wow.
There are a little more solitary like Sherpa's like are sort of also bred to be was kind of obsessed with one person, like protect one person.
They're not always kind of that's how you always are because pit bulls are like, I love you and I love you and I love you and I love everyone, you know, which is Paiser like a when shoppers are like focused on you.
Violet was obsessed with me and that was if anyone else tried to fuck with her, she was just like not interested, remember.
Yeah. She loved you. Yeah. She I mean, but they you have to be careful when you foster them because they, they bond and they get very attached very quickly and it's very hard to get them home afterwards. So the last one I just had was her name Tulip.
Fiona. I don't know. It's always like yeah. Yeah, no, the last one was Yoona. Oh you had another your last foster I just had.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So Bambi. Bambi, that was before that.
You've had a lot of. I know this is like, it's like all names from Shrek.
It's like Fiona, it's like Disney movie and and no Fiona the one that I just had, you know, I not only do I know I'm gonna get attached quickly, so I have to turn them over because I just you know, you're just when you foster you're just breaking your heart a few weeks, it's like you're signing up to just shatter your own heart over and over again.
Right. So but also they get so bonded to you.
So the first time I tried to get Violet a home, the one before it was a it was a nightmare.
Brought her to these this amazing couple's house. She the door I left through, she this beautiful old Spanish house and this door from the 20s, she bit. Through the entire door, her face was covered in blood, like her teeth were like he wanted to get to you. She jumped a fence. She was it was just like, you know, they call you and she's like, yeah, like 4:00 in the morning.
They were like, you have to come get her. Like she's she's going to hurt. They were like, we think she's going to hurt herself trying to find you. So I was like this whole process of like, detachment, you know, I had this dog that was like it was part Chihuahua that I fostered.
And his name was Charlie. So cute. And he he had like the craziest high pitched scream you've ever heard in your entire life. And every time I take him to somebody, like someone would fill out an application and I go to their house for them to just meet him.
The second they touched him or tried to lift him, he let out that it was like it was like a woman like screaming at the top of her lungs and the person would immediately look like, drop him, really put him down because it was so frightening. And then finally, like the fourth or fifth person that I met with, he did it. And she was like, oh, that's hilarious. Like, she just didn't care. And she was like, oh, like I think she said she like, had a dog when she was little that did that when it got scared.
And she was like, oh, like I love him and she didn't care. And I kept thinking the whole time, like I'm not going to find anybody that is going to understand, like get to know the dog well enough to realize what a great dog it is because he just wouldn't stop screaming. But but anyway, so it turned out really well because she ended up like adopting him and they were they're like the perfect fit. And now I still get to see him sometimes.
So it ended up, oh, I have visitation rights at all. My fosters the best I can come any time.
But that, you know, full circle to what we were just talking about in relationships like that. I think it's the same thing in relationships. Like if you don't want to hear a woman scream, don't date me, but I really I'm not for you.
If I don't remind you of something in your childhood, you're probably not going to want to be with me.
You know, it's interesting because when we started today, my producer showed up. It was like Miranda's on. I know her dad.
I go to her her dad's dad's dry cleaning business. That's crazy.
And he sounds so cool and so proud of you and so available. Your mom sounds so healthy. And because we recreate our childhood circumstances, essentially our whole life is just either recreating your childhood circumstances subconsciously, whether it was dramatic, healthy, unhealthy, whatever it was, it seems like you had a pretty healthy thing.
And whoever you date is going to have to be fucking healthy.
Hopefully, maybe I'll find the right person. I think it just, you know, like takes a while to find the perfect person for you maybe. Or I guess it's kind of weird. Like if you only date like if you only have dated, like, one person in your entire life, I feel like it would be hard to like, you know, know what you want. Yeah. So maybe it's a good thing that it's like a lot of bad dates.
Yeah. No, you have to look at it that way. You have to go on a lot of dates to know what you don't want and you have to something to compare it to. So if the perfect person comes along and you have nothing to compare it to, how are you going to know.
Yeah, because like I thought, my high school boyfriend was like, perfect because he was the first person I ever like. That's right. Yeah.
You don't when you've no frame of reference, but he's everyone's perfect, pretty good. So I do go on as many horrible dates as you possibly can. So when you know, it's so funny, people always say, like when they try to set me up with people, they're like all this guy's kind of a womanizer.
He's like dated a lot of women. I'm like, good. That's like No one. I want someone who's gotten a lot out of the system and has a lot to compare me to because once I was like, oh, he's been in a relationship.
I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I would like him to go date like fifty people for six months and then date me.
So there's some form of reference that's smart too, because most people that are getting out of like an eight year relationship probably aren't going to want to get in another relationship really quick. Yeah. And you're going to, I don't know, be one of the random people that.
Yeah, I'm just I'm like, I don't want to be compared to one person.
I want to be compared to like fifty people want to know you're better than fifty, not one first. Yeah. I don't think I have that impressed. If you're with someone for eight years, I don't, I just don't feel like I can follow that late date a bunch of messes and then come to me and comparatively I'm going to look awesome, you know, like it's taken me a long time to do. I'm trying to think of other things.
Like what? What are you. Is there anything in your life that you're, like, lost about?
And I'll try to fix it then. I'm lost about now. And the dating thing, I'm trying to think of something else to do, like as a career, I only think of like something that I'm, like, super passionate about, like and I'm having trouble with that. Really? Yeah. Like, I don't know. I think it'd be really nice to have like you should definitely have a skin care line because of your freakin face. What do you do to your what is what do you put on is so broken and what do you put on it.
I feel like ever since the quarantine started, like people's faces are breaking out.
Well, mine is I have the mask acne. I get acne from wearing a mask. But that's nice because you can and then. Well it's like it's like it's a vicious cycle. It's like I have acne because I wear a mask and then I wear the mask to cover the acne. So it's like a vicious cycle. Yeah. Like you just can't like what do you put on your skin?
I've been using you put a lot of stuff on here.
Yes, I do it. It's lot like your face is so shiny and nice. I've been putting oil on my face. I kind of feel like I started using oil because I thought, like, I. Shining your face was, but and you're like that, I started breaking. This is your home. Oh, yeah, maybe. But but yeah, I've been putting, like, oil on my face for the first time, and I love it, like with a little dropper thingy.
And then, you know, it looks incredible. It's just amazing. Is this because of me? I think it can I take credit for it?
Because every time you post on your story, like your perfect glowing again, it reminds me to go put some on. I like super lazy with my my skin to like, oh, let go hike and then I won't wash my face right after. And I think that's like you're an animal.
You're a monster. What happened. How could you let me in your house if you and your dirty face and your seven cats. This is not Miranda. I thought I was going to meet today my seven cats in my Edgett.
So you my little edge. What else must I do?
OK, so you wake up in the morning and you put while you wait where you go to bed at five a.m. I wake up.
You're all right. I thought I was walking in. People don't think I am, but I've got a little something right. She's wild. She goes to bed at 5:00 in the morning. She wakes up to get to do I have thirty animals. Yeah, she goes for a hike, doesn't wash my face. Dog goes out with a guy with zebra pants. It goes on a bad day. A guy sets himself on fire, kills himself, doesn't even cry about it.
No career for your wild things. You watch his winning coming stories. Oh yeah. That like all right there you're fucking punk rock. Now if I just dye my hair and I do a couple other I cuts a little. Your mom picks out your your your mom. I actually do kiss a little. Do you also. What's your favorite curse word. Probably. Fuck fuck. It's such a great it's so good. Like when you say it it really gets the message.
It's like I actually don't say it a lot because I love it. It's like I don't drink. You don't overuse it. I purposely deprive myself of things. So when I do use them I get the maximum dopamine. So I don't drink like Coca-Cola a lot on purpose. So when I do I'm like, oh God, that's good.
And when she does, she does. When I drink like that. Are you OK? Yeah, I like to, I like to deprive myself so I can really get the full effect. And that's how I am with the word fuck too. I don't say to tons to the one I could say it, it's like feel like when you stub your toe let's just like fuck like instantly makes your toe feel better and everybody pays attention to when you say that word really.
Listen, when you especially you if you said fuck I'd be yeah.
You should rebrand. You're like a new song like Taylor Dabur. Just come round the gate with a song called Fuck. Yeah. Like Dance Bob what do you get.
Angry Heartbeat's new song. I do, but only at my mom.
Like I can't imagine what makes you and she makes you frustrated. Yeah.
Like we like more than anyone. For some reason my mom and I like well my favorite quote is your mom knows how to push your buttons because she installed them. Oh, my God.
She knows exactly where your buttons are.
She does know. It is amazing how moms can. Unleash a level of rage. You didn't know you had. I know, and it's crazy how like you feel like they take a bullet for you, but then they're also like your biggest problem, like they're driving you crazy. But they are also, like, willing to put their life on the line. Yeah, it's like the most confusing relationship. It's the kind of love.
What did I say? I think it was in my second standup special where I said my definition of love is being willing to die for someone that you yourself want to kill like that.
That's very much like a mother. That's maternal love. And there's something weird. I was with my mom the other day. She had covid or tested positive for covid. But, you know, it was like very scary. And she says a negative sense. And we were together and it was just like you saw me with her.
Did she get better fast? She she never showed symptoms, thank God. But she's in a nursing home, which was super scary. When I am with my mom, I just can't stop cleaning.
It was so it's like you're coping with having to be around because it's I just it's the only time we get along is when I'm just cleaning something or being helpful.
It's the only way that we're not going to fight.
When he was picking up the leaves out of the yard with her hands like the.
My mom hates it when I sit down, like if I'm sitting down and not doing anything should be like, what are you doing? Like, are you doing something today? Like, are you like she always wants me to be like up doing something for some reason. I mean, honestly. So I get the cleaning thing. Your mom I mean, like your move and she she raised a star. So whatever your mom is doing, I would like to hire her to be my manager.
Frankly, whatever your mom is doing work so she would love to manage you. She's like, come on, we're going to that audition.
And you're like, no, she's like, yeah, we're go, we're going we're going to get to a house house. Yeah. We're going to get you your own house. I mean, I respect the hustle.
That's true. There was some hustle there. I yeah.
I get very activated around my mom in a way that I can't really that only she brings and I only she brings it out and only she can.
It's interesting because we talk about this a lot on this podcast and just I think in general it's very Zygi to talk about trolls and feedback and loving yourself and like who can hurt you and like comments section, YouTube comments section, Instagram comments section.
The shit people say nothing really scathed me. Like I feel like I've been through a lot of shit storms and had a lot of different things come at me. Good, bad, whatever.
The only person that can really hurt my feelings is my mom.
I honestly I feel like that too. I really do.
And it's and it's such a deep and it your mom and it's as simple as, like shit like she'll say something where she'll be like, oh you weren't lipgloss. And I'm like yeah. And she's like OK. And I'm like what are thinking all day. All day. All day. What did that mean. What does she mean by that. What do you mean. Am I wearing live. Of course. Was it what little else was that.
And I will just spin like she said to me once, I'm still talking about it. This was like three years ago.
I walked in to a nursing home and she just went, you look healthy.
That's nice, that's all. And then I was like, wait, what does that mean? Did I not look healthy before? Have I never looked healthy? Is this the first time I've looked healthy? What does doesn't mean I've gained weight. What did you say? Like, it just all obsess about it. It's like a little it's like a backhanded compliment.
I totally get that. Like I'll leave the house. My mom will be like, are you wearing this pants? And I'll be like, yeah, like.
Like, why should I mean, yes, they're on me. Nothing like I just I don't know.
You still had them and I'm like, what? And then of course the rest of the time you're wearing the pants. You're thinking like, what was wrong with the pants. Why are you nagging me? It might not even really be doing it on purpose.
It's just like totally it's just a thing. It's like just playing on purpose.
There's I have I don't think our moms have any idea how much they hurt because my mom I don't think they want to it's scary to have a child to like imagine like if you have a child by accident, you don't even do this. You're just shattering them letter. Every time you ask them a question, you're ruining their life. That's a lot of pressure. Imagine your mom's like I just asked you what pants you're wearing. Like, why are you collapsing into a ball park?
My mom doesn't think so.
Say sorry to me. It's like when something like she'll go like I'll be like, Oh, I like your shirt.
Oh, sorry. I need to ask you about it. Sorry, sorry that I did that. Sorry.
Oh. Like she's I'm like ok I did manage. You should. OK, sorry. Sorry. Well that's, that is pointed like that, that is Tansy and I'll be like I'm at work. Sorry. I'm so sorry.
Well that is I do think our moms did not have the tools we have. So I say this with forgiving all of my mom's great, all the women before us, that that generation did not have a lot of tools. Their moms did not have tools. Their dads were in wars and had no emotional bandwidth than their moms couldn't vote. So let's just be real patient with all of our moms. But I do know that in my the women, in my family systems, on both sides, guilt was a big there was just this ancestral guilt.
Everything was run by guilt and everything. And now there's a lot of indirect, passive aggressive communication that they inherited. It was a lot of like, well, sorry, sorry, you know, and it was a lot of like, oh, you're not going to come.
OK, fine. It was a lot of that instead of there was no like I want you to come with me. Well, you, you, you're not going to come. Will that hurt my feelings?
There was not that direct communication. You can admit you needed help. You couldn't admit you had to like, get it in some secret.
Like you couldn't talk about your feelings because women already had too many feelings and no one to fucking hear about. So you just had to sneak your feelings in.
That's so true. Yeah, it was a lot of like my mom would have kids either, so, like, she's. So what do you mean your mom wasn't specific? They said you're not ever going to know why she was going to do with her vagina.
So they just thought it was her uterus, but they just told her that.
And then she just she's like so terrified of something happened to me. The show ruined things so that I never do them and it sticks with me forever. Like like I like like I went to the theme park for the first time. Big deal left my small town, a theme park university, either one university. Oh wow. I was so thrilled about it. And the entire trip she would call me back.
I saw a kid, they got their legs cut off on a roller coaster like, you know, people drown in the ocean every day. You can never enjoy feeling like I have such a fear of everything because my mom is, like, so terrified of something happening to me. The show just ruined still the job.
I'm so terrified of something. I get it, too. I'm terrified. Of something happening, we had the biggest fight before I went to college. She was like, you know, all these things happened in college. I was wanting me to go to college, but was fully trying to ruin it for anything.
But, you know, what I what I'm hearing are two things. Number one, a mother's guilt of like I'm just going to prepare you for all the horrible things because I have no control.
Imagine the fear. I mean, just to be really scary, I know I'm going to have I'm sure I don't have kids, even if I hire someone else to do it.
I know I'm gonna probably have kids at some point, but the fear I have of just my dogs, like I mean, the other dog getting hurt.
Yeah, I think yeah.
Like I think that when you've had bad things happen, you, you assume the worst thing is going to happen at every moment.
Like every time I throw the ball for my dog into the pool, I'm like my brain goes, the ball is going have a hole in it and it's going to sink to the bottom. And then he's going to try to get it and he's going to drown like that. That to me is a perfectly normal thought. Like I just that the worst possible thing that could happen is going to happen. That's how Mom's brains are.
That's how mom's brains work all of the time.
My mom's like my best friend, but my mom's also, like, a little crazy. Yeah, I love everyone's mommies. So it's like, as we say in Elhanan, if it's not one thing, it's your mother. And they have I mean, imagine imagine loving something so much. I mean, I disagree. The fact that your mom even let you come here today means she is very casual. Like, I don't think I would let my kid leave the house.
I don't I would be able to handle it.
My mom fell off a ladder once, like not too long ago, like a couple of years ago. She wanted to get the Christmas lights down on a day. My dad was that is how I'm going to die by trying to take down the Christmas lights. And my dad said, like, oh, I'll take him down. But he was working. So my mom was like, I'm not waiting. So she went, I'm her mom. She was like, I'm not doing that.
Like she was like, I need these lights down. Like, this is embarrassing. Like people in the neighborhood are judging. It's like the next day after her love your mom. So she got a ladder out and she started taking them down and a dog came up like a random stray dog. They live on like a cul de sac. And a random dog came up and I was like, I'm going to go to Petco and buy food like Zia.
And I left my mom taking down the Christmas lights by herself. Big mistake. And then I got a call. I was at Petco from like across the street neighbor saying, like, there's no ambulance here.
And her mom fell off the ladder. And I was like, what? So I immediately, like, obviously dropped everything I ran. I got I was pretty close, but I got back home like in five minutes. And then it was. You mean you I would have finished the transaction gone.
You're like, I still hold on. I just need to get a little more. But so then I ran home and I got there she was the all the paramedics were around like the ambulance. She's laying in the front yard. Her bone was completely out of her leg, like her bone was just like hanging there, like outside of her leg. And she was like, how bad is it? And I was like, it's not like it's good.
It's not that bad. And she pushed it back in. She took her hand and like a piece of her sock was stuck to it and it ripped off and it went inside like a little piece of herself because she went into her body and it was a big deal later trying to remove the piece of the sock from her bone that she shoved back into her leg. And then I took her. She had to go to like the closest place because it was an emergency.
And she kept saying in the waiting room, you should've taken me to Cedars.
You don't really love me.
Mom, I was like I was like an ambulance, like like I don't decide where you go, like and she was she was freaking out and then they had to do like an emergency, like surgery in her leg. And then right before they took her in. I always tell people this like my friends and stuff because it's like so our relationship. But she said to me in front of like the nurses and everyone because they said, like, say goodbye to your mom because like, we're going to put her under, like, for the surgery.
And I was like, OK, like it's going to be fine, like like see you after the surgery. And she was like, I don't want you to feel bad for all the bad things that you've done to me.
You know, she was like, if I don't wake up, she was like, don't feel bad. I just don't want you to, like, live with that. And I was like, what? So then the entire time she was in the surgery, I was like, thinking about it. She said that. And I swear when she woke up and I brought it up, she was like, I don't. She was like, I don't remember saying that.
Do you like it? If I did say that I'm in a nice way because I really don't want you to live with any guilt.
And it's like, oh, I'm like, I'm sorry. You mean I became a famous star. I'm the perfect child.
I was like, Mom, one on one mom, every time I going to find you. I'm such a terrible mother.
Oh, my mom used to say whenever one hundred real quick, whenever I would have something happen to me, it's going to be like, well, maybe I'll get hit by a bus, maybe I'll get hit by a bus tomorrow and you'll get your way. Yeah, you get hit by a bus. It's like, well, I'm kind of just hungry. Like I don't. What is this bus, the monster grade?
I they are. That should be your online dating profile, right, BENTON? That's a high tech, high tech.
But I my mom and I'm in a 12 step program and Allinson and you do a step that's called a men's wear. You like if anyone's ever gotten a random apology from someone who's getting sober or whatever, that's in a men's. Right. So it's you write down all the people that you've harmed and then you making amends to them if it doesn't harm them or others. Right. So so I'm not in AA, but I'm an elhanan. And the it's interesting because an Allen on what they say is on this step, you start and you're like, I don't know.
And anyone apology people owe me an apology, you know, like that's sort of like sort of Allen I want to one. And usually they say all the people you think owe an apology to you are probably who you own apology to.
And it's interesting to go with something. Oh, yeah, that's right.
And you're usually instead of apologizing for things that, you know, addicts in their addiction did, like, you know, crashing cars or stealing money, that's usually what like people in AA or or and they will apologize for it. Allen it's usually like, I'm sorry that I was so controlling. I'm sorry that I was manipulative. I'm sorry that I had such high expectations, which is such a passive aggressive thing to say.
I'm sorry that I had such high expectations and you couldn't meet them like Allen on amends are very tricky because they can come up very judgmental, like, I'm sorry I was so micromanaging of your mess, you know, like I'm sorry that I kept trying to fix you literally.
I'm trying. I didn't just let you stay broke it, you know, I was like really hard to do these amends, but I realized that I owed my mom some amends because, you know, we have I've have to Dixon in my family.
And from what she comes from, I I had anger come out at her and I had I wanted to apologize for a couple of times that I released my anger at her, because sometimes we get the anger is the people we love the most, which makes no sense. But because we know they won't leave us, I guess, or whatever, you know, so I'm the nicest to the people that are the meanest to me and the meanest people that are nice to me.
It's taking me a long time to look at that.
And so and so a couple of times she was moving nursing homes and she'd had a stroke. And I was just so angry at the situation. And sometimes I would take it out on her, you know, and I would just be like, I just got you a new wheelchair.
I can't give you another wheelchair. We just got like I think we're both trying to, like, cope with the situation. So I go to make my amends and I say, I'm sorry about this time.
I lost my temper. I'm sorry about this time. I lost my temper. And then I went back and it was great. And we cried and all the stuff and then very powerful step and very therapeutic and truly for the next couple of years, every time I go back.
But you know what else you forgot to apologize for? Oh, my God, this is this is it. Like a free for all I know you i i to be like never no time used to complain about what I would drive. You just got to be like mom. No, no you don't like like I really like that day when we did that I was like do that again. I think this is an ongoing thing.
I wasn't sorry about that. Yeah. No I don't apologize for that. It's just like you just really enjoyed it. I know. And it's funny because we we used to get in fights all the time and she'd be like, well I drove you to school every day and I used to make you lunch.
And I'd be like, that's I think that's just called parenting you a child. I don't think you're the one that decided to have me like when you sort of I don't think I owe you for that.
Let's start to feel like that at some point for parents. Yeah. So much for somebody else. Like you're probably just like after a while. I do.
I do think parents that like thirty five should be able to just like invoice their kids, just like you owe me. You owe me like eighty thousand dollars in Lunchables, you know.
Do you think you can get married. I want to be the person who is saying they were gonna get married after. But that's like a programming thing, I think. I don't you know, I think we're programmed to think that way and I think I think that's OK. Like, I used to vacillate on it and be like, oh, that's so unhealthy. Like after a third date, I'm like, this is my husband, but like. Why not have I like it because you can have like a high bar for somebody, is this guy husband material?
Is this guy father material? Would you actually like to hang out with this person?
Yes. Yes. You know, like, I think if you put that onto someone, even though it feels a little bit like boy crazy or something like it's been stigmatized or pathology is to think that way. But I think you should be like, this is my husband. If not, then fucking you're out. Otherwise, I'll hang out with my girlfriends and work on myself.
So I should just make my thing like looking for a husband, literally just be like husband.
Dude, that is such a fucking power move. What is this thing where girls like we're all out there dating, pretending we're not looking for husbands like I'm just the cool girl and I wings and like I don't want anything. Seriously, get the fuck out of here. We're all looking for husbands. I mean, well, maybe I actually might be the aberration, but at this current moment.
But I do think that it's like the idea of like, are you the father, my kids on a first date? Absolutely. That doesn't mean I want to have your kid tomorrow. I'm not trying to, like, secretly like I'm not going to steal your sperm out of a condom in the trash can. I'm not a psychopath. But like, I do think that that's a fair way to say it.
Like to try to figure out if that's fair.
That should be your tender. About the only thing I don't have a husband.
What can you bring to the table? That's my thing. What can you bring to the table that I don't already have? I worked so fucking hard. You have worked so fucking hard to get everything that you have. Like I you certainly have to bring something to the table. I know what I bring to the table. Right.
You show up like I'm an icon. Legend, a star now. Well now what.
Now what? Can you take good Instagram photos. Can you put a phone on a tripod? Can you shoot good slo mo videos angle? I mean, it's I don't I don't understand why that's an unfair expectation.
I go all around like some days I'm like, oh, all I want is to get married. And then other days I'm like, I don't need to get married. Like maybe I never get married. I don't know.
It's I do have to and I go, you know what, I do need to get married. If it's the right person, it makes sense for tax purposes. And I don't if it's the wrong person.
And I'm also big on I'm saying about this yesterday when I was thinking about you bike riding, I was thinking that I believe that a five year marriage is a success. Five years. That's ten years.
Long time. That's a long time. Marriage was invented when the life expectancy was like twenty eight. I wonder what the average amount of time is like that people stay together, but they know they're going to get a divorce.
Like I wonder just the last year, in my view, that's such a good question.
I don't I feel like once you're married, like you probably would stick with it for quite a while to try to make it work. Yeah. Yeah, totally. Yeah. You're just like, oh, God, we're still paying off the flowers at this point. You just get a new washer and dryer.
You put so much into it. Yeah, I feel another year.
I feel like there would be more divorces if weddings were less expensive, you know what I mean? I feel my friend just eloped and got married by Elvis in Vegas a few months ago.
That's kind of a made before the pandemic. Yeah, like like a little bit before it started, it was like kind of on the verge.
I'm obsessed with you, but I have to pee.
Do you have to pee? Actually, yes. OK, let's we we're going to take a break and we're coming back. What's this show called that my dad loves? It's where's the.
It has it funny. So so I really watch. Is that religious.
So Miranda's dad, Tom, is a big celebrity in these parts and he knows me from a show called Bring the Funny where it's funny you should ask.
Funny you should ask. Yeah. Yeah, funny you should ask. He watches that every single day at work and he says that his favorite episode ends with you and he wanted me to ask you some questions. You have prepared him like turning the tables. I'm OK. So Miranda is now hosting the show, channeling her dad. What what are your questions? This you, Tom. Tom, what are your questions? So you wanted to know if you come up with the jokes beforehand or if you come up with them on the spot jokes here?
No, the jokes on that show. Oh, I was like, God, I hope these are on the spot. If I was scripting all this, I should really find a new career that they were really funny. And he wanted to know if it was possible for people to come up with stuff like that off the top of their head.
That's a show where it's like I think we write the jokes ahead of time on that show.
OK, yeah. Should I make sure I'm sorry? I'm really going to disappoint your dad sometimes. I'll like improvised stuff, but for the most part, I think you have like a heads up. Yeah, like we know what the question is. I don't have time to like write a joke. Yeah.
Lie to him. I don't want to ruin his his best moment I think. But we do improvise sometimes.
OK, I'll definitely let him know. Is he a big comedy fan. Not really. And he also does it find like basically anyone funny like he it's so hard to get him to like, like a song or think something's funny, like he's the hardest critic on Earth. So it's a huge compliment to you that my dad, Tom Cosgrove. Thanks. You're amazing. That's my demo, tough dad's dad's. Hard to believe dads, honestly, I was raised by one.
I've spent my whole life trying to get dad's approval, including my own, and never got it. So I'm glad at least I got someone's father is I still don't have it. I love you.
I'm getting to tell you, he's proud of you. To you. Oh, yeah. Oh, good. Good. Because I have this theory that a lot of parents, they and people in general, they talk shit to our face and nice behind our backs, you know, and something that actually really. Oh, I'm going to cry. What if I cry. I'm going to try not to. When my dad passed, I met a lot of his friends and.
Oh, I don't your stick away being a little bit about the beyond, and that's OK. Edgar says.
When I met a lot of my dad's friends, he said I'm all he ever talked about how proud he was of me, but he never told me that. So it took other.
How could you imagine you now cry about you're the guy that killed himself, that we could do it together, we could be twins using really nice and together to be more sad than my dad. Like when I think about my dad, like sticking up for me or me too, like that, nothing gets me more than that. That's the saddest thing I heard.
My dad texted me every day and tells me he's proud of me and I haven't done anything but things. What? Yes, he did every day.
That makes me so happy.
I think sometimes our only go to God and I just really like all I did was get groceries a day like this.
I know, but like you are you and you become you and you grew up where you grew up and overcame so much adversity. And I mean, dads, dads, man, that's how they don't they don't always show love in the way that we see when you're looking for doing it. It's never the kind of love you was like, I kind of just want a necklace, but I think about my dad and like how, you know, his dad was in a war and was emotionally very shut down and wasn't you know, there was not a lot of physical love, Sean.
There was not a lot of, like, verbal like my dad.
I remember he never hugged me, but at that basketball game once where I did a very good job, very athletic, he put his arm around me like he tried to hug me, like from the side.
It was just like this really weird. There's this picture of us having our first weird, like, awkward hug.
Yeah. Like this side hug. Like we never really looked at each other like it just kind of like it's so sad to imagine someone like wanting to like he probably wanted to do a full hug, but it was like uncomfortable. It's exactly right. And I think that I, I think a big part of why I gravitate oh, god, I'm going to cry more so much to animals and especially abused animals is because especially, you know, dogs I don't know as much about cats, but horses and dogs when they've been abused like they want so badly to connect with you and love you and they want to know like something good's out there.
Yes. But they also their body has been trained to be scared. So you see this, like, push, pull of something that wants so badly to connect but is still scared and protecting itself and just has this habit. You know, like when I first got Daisy, she wouldn't let me touch her and she would, like, move towards me and then her body, which I could see in her eyes that she wanted so badly to trust me, but just didn't want her, didn't have the proof yet, you know, like just didn't have the it didn't feel safe yet.
And and that's a feeling that I followed my dad a lot where he's like, I want to be able to be a better dad and love you more and connect with you more, just like didn't know how. It's like I didn't have the tools.
It's kind of like what you said about moms like dads to do the best they can do, too, with what they got. Yeah. And I always I'm always really proud of my parents because they're really good about trying to do better than their parents. Yeah.
That's a that's that's a success if you can do an inch better than the people that came before you. So we're like, that's an interesting theme of this podcast. Like, I still find myself at 37 years old when I see her just regressing. Like, remember when I was cleaning her wheelchair. Yeah.
Outside while the nurse was there and you were, like, still cleaning it. The nurse is like, it's fine. I was a nurse. Was mean. No. Does it mean she was just like, yeah. When you have different levels of clean.
Yeah. But I just was like obsessively like trying to make everything perfect, perfect. You know, and trying to be useful to her and, and trying to make her proud, you know, whatever it was having a great time by the way.
And I was ruining it by pointing out all a balloon boy.
The only thing that I was not pummeling my mom with a balloon, the way you guys throwing the balloon, making her out.
What is balloon ball? You mean like a beach ball? You throw it up in the air and then when it comes near you, like like a concert, like in the mosh pit of a concert when you, like, hit balls around. Pretty much, yes. That is what it is. You've never played balloon ball. You know, when I was a little kid, my parents called me Mitzie Gursky and I would hit a balloon ball and they'd cheer for me.
It was like a. When I was like six or seven and now then they did it to my grandma. What scares you? Fires are scary, scary. It's definitely good when car accidents have gotten a really bad car accident. And I broke my my ankle like four or five years ago. Really? Yeah. And I got all this metal in my ankle and stuff once you have.
But can you go through metal detectors? I got the metal removed now. But, you know, it's funny, it actually made me really nervous about airports because when I had the metal in, they kept they gave me like a doctor's note and kept saying, like, you're going to set it off. And I never did.
So maybe the metal detectors aren't. No, airports aren't as good as you might think. But I was on like I was on a tour bus and I got in like a car accident, like I was sleeping on the back of the tour bus and the driver fell asleep. And we got in like a really bad accident.
And when I woke up, I was just like, I feel like I remember this. This is like a big news story. It was weird. I don't know if, like, a lot of people knew, but it was just like it was just like a crazy, weird thing that happened. So now I'm I'm kind of scared to get in a car accident like that would be like a big fear of mine. I don't know. Because it's creepy to be, especially if you're sleeping in a car, like for a while after it happened, I would like wake up in the night because I remember because I heard, like, a big sound when the tour bus ran into another car, there was like a semi truck in the middle of the road.
And if you read a book, you're not going to write a book wild. It was crazy. And my mom was with me. And actually, we we were for some reason, I usually slept in, you know, like those bullet things on tour buses. Yeah. Like, I usually slept in those and my mom would sleep in the room, like the back actual bedroom because because I like like hanging out with everybody and I wanted to like be like where everybody was.
And you're so abusive to her.
So I actually had UGS on like shoes and I went into the back room where my mom was and I was like on the computer and normally I would have fallen asleep like in the other area. But I just for some reason fell asleep there. And I guess the eggs like helped me a lot. I sound like I'm like endorsing eggs. I'm not. But they like, saved your ankle, like, helped my ankle a lot because I don't know if you know this, but the bottom of eggs are like rubber and they're really thick.
Yeah. And apparently it like stopped my whole leg from breaking it, like made only my ankle break because I like flew out of the bed and I hit the wall. So my foot like hit the wall in the legs, protected it. So and then a bunch of people had to cut the UGG off like with giant scissors. It was crazy.
What a hero. Yeah. Oh. And also like there was a some kind of like bookcase in the back room. And when we got in the accident, the bookcase fell on top of me. And when I woke up I was so disoriented, I threw the bookcase off of my body and it landed on top.
I heard. Oh, and I was like, Mom. Not a concussion. OK, that's what your mom was talking about, your mom. My mom does have. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The little guy get it. Like your mom, right. When she was going under anesthesia. Remembered you throwing your bookcase out, probably.
That might have come into play or while hedgy. Told you. You know what's interesting.
I feel like I had so much.
What is the weirdest like you've had a crazy life. It was really weird. I had these, like, assumptions that your life has just been like this fairy tale, not that it had just you've had some there's been some wild shit has happened to you.
My mom didn't know that I did that like she didn't know for like a solid three hours. But it was you like she kept she thought that it was from hitting her head on the wall because she hit her head on. You should've just gone with that story. Well, it's not like. Well, like until she wakes up, I'm not, like, going to tell, like, exactly what happened. Did anyone else get hurt on the bus except you to the driver did.
Yeah. His arms were severed.
So why why am I doing stories and the morning that his arms were severed.
But I think that you have had coping.
This is why you we get along is you use humor as a coping mechanism because you your life has been a nightmare then and now your life is like ours. One take away from your life is an absolute nightmare. Your life is a constant horror movie. No, that is the most horror movie. That's how every horror movie starts like a balloon ball.
It's like a nursing home. Like that's like Pennywise, like through the balloon down the street. Like I think you have obviously a very resilient, triumphant humor mechanism getting you through all this. I love that you love this, right?
My ankle has broken his arm for severed, but my ankle was high. I'm like, let's get back to me. I love. But he doesn't have arms. He doesn't have arms.
They reattached his arms.
Actually, you've been through some shit. There was one good part to it. There was like a really cute firefighter that came on to that, I tell you.
You need to be with a firefighter, and that was my chance, I was in Effingham, where is he? In Effingham, Illinois. Is the firefighter shout out. What did he do? Do you remember him?
He just he carried me to the ambulance. When was this? It was like five, six years ago.
He's probably married and very happy. OK, well. But just in case. Kameruka happy. So if you're listening, D.M. Benton. And we'll put you in touch.
It was like out of a movie. There were like explosions in the background and he was like carrying me and running it. Caught on fire a moment. It's like waiting to exhale when she's walking away from the car.
Wow. It was exciting. You have been through a lot all in Effingham. What's your typical day? What's tomorrow?
Honestly, I'll probably go to sleep at 5:00 in the morning watching Netflix and then I will get up at like one take care of the Invoker. My small farm. Yeah, go hiking. Yeah. Nothing exciting. Figure out what you want to do with your life. Yeah. But you've, you've already conquered two businesses and you're like, now what should I do.
Come up with a hobby. Work on your skin line. I don't know.
But just one do after they escaped death that many times.
I know I have escaped death many times. Yeah. Your cats are rubbing off on you. It's true. Your money isn't nine lives. Nine lives.
I think so. I don't know. I truly know nothing about cats and it's starting to be intentional at this to seem like you'd know something about cats.
I don't not I, I do like cats like I don't like, like the the movie especially but I, I just don't, I'm so codependent and I'm so needy with animals and cats are repelled by that. And I just, I can't, I don't have good chemistry with cats. I guess I'm like that too. Like even though I have cats like there's just nothing like dogs, like they just don't like to thank you for saying that because I hate it when people go like my cats like a dog.
I'm like, no, it's not. Maybe they got lucky and they got like the one cat that's like I'm like, yeah, you're like, hey, first of all, your cat hates you. I'm just telling you all right now. But I just I don't know how to attuned to them.
I don't know what they value and I don't know how to make them need me.
I think they're like kind of evil deep down.
And they're saliva full of toxins. Really. Yeah. And that's why they like their called like coated in it.
Yeah I know. They say if a cat by two you should go to the E.R. like right away because the amount of bacteria. But I just, I don't, I think they're so beautiful. I'm fascinated by them. I do lots of like work in rescue with like lions and tigers. And I love looking.
I'm fascinated by them, but I just I don't totally know how to have them around all the time without spiraling and feeling bad about myself.
Cats make you feel bad about like I just I'm like, why don't you like me? Like, it just kicks up. Stray dogs are like confidence booster dogs. You're just like, oh great. They're obsessed with you all the time. Like I'm just very needy when it comes to my animals. I'm very smothering and I need an animal that is OK with being smothered. I just don't like the cat bite like they randomly will bite you for no reason.
Like you could be petting them. Things are going great.
And then all of a sudden they attack and when they paw you like, as if they're, you know, what they do, the king or whatever. But I'm like, do you just think I'm a couch? Do you value me the same as a chair? Like you have no respect for me. Like the way that they do that, like you're sharpening your claws on my skin, like you had me bleed.
You have no respect for me. Like like I am just I'm nothing to you.
Yeah. So I just I have four cats and I'm completely on board. Yeah. And I, I've tried rescue cats before.
I rescued one in Studio City where I used to live and I find this cat outside, I bring it inside. I have for like three days. I'm like feeding it. I'm like trying to kind of just take care of it. I put it on social media to be like, I found this stray cat, I'm going to find it a home. Like twenty minutes later my neighbor came over and was like, excuse me, did you just put my cat on Instagram?
I was like, I'm so sorry. I'm like, this is your cat. And she was again, I was like, well, why was it outside? Just like cats go outside. And I was like, well, they do like I just kidnapped her. And she's like she's like, I thought it was dead. And I was like, why? Why would it be if I hadn't rescued at least a very weird thing?
And I put my cat on Instagram that has eighteen thousand followers.
And I was like, I found a lot of homes for your cat that I think might be better. And so that was a little bit of a kerfuffle because I don't understand where they live.
I know I don't like that they just wander. I think that I think they can live outside. But with coyotes out here, maybe they're indoor. I don't know. I thought cats only lived inside. So I got confused. And then the other time I found a cat was at like two in the morning.
I was driving home from doing stand up and I see this cat in the road and like a cartoon, I drive past and I see a coyote.
And then I drive like ten more feet and I see cat like leg out of a fucking roadrunner like cartoon Looney Tunes.
I see a fucking coyote like looking at a cat. And I'm like, so I get out of my. I pick up the cat, it's one of those really long haired ones, I put it inside, I put it on my dashboard, it starts shitting on my dashboard, I take it to the vet. It's like an older looking cat. I think I bring it in. They call for the chip and the owner is like, it's trying to die.
When cats get older, they leave and they try to die. And she's like, this cat has left every night for the past two weeks and people keep bringing it to them.
They won't let it die. It's costing me all of this money in vet bills because nobody will just let it die, trying to die, trying to die. And because if I go to L.A., like, no one will just let animals. Yeah, well, it's like if it really was just like, OK.
And so I brought it back to her house and she's like, all right, here we go.
You're like, do you want it? Yeah. I'm like, you want me? Like, I don't sound just like I'm like, what do you mean cats want to die. Like what are you even talking about. They just go commit suicide. I know, I know.
It's when they're old they want to die alone. When their time to die come die with me.
You will be alone because I'm the perfect person to die here. Yeah. So that to me always felt like I just was like, I don't understand these things. How are you? Like, I'm going to die soon. I'm going to just like go out in the road. I don't need nobody. I don't know.
It's just it seems a little bit they come into this world alone and they want to leave alone. Yeah. The whole thing just fell.
It feels very dark.
Not like a dog to me. A big if you're the owner, you took care of the whole time. And like, I got to go. I got to go. I'm going to go fucking die. It's like, how do you know when you're going to die? What if you weren't reborn? You thought you were to die two weeks ago and say your goodbyes now. Yeah. And a bunch of people rescued you and you're still alive. So what the fuck do you know about death?
Like and I thought animals like live in the moment. That was a good thing about him. I even know they're dead. And also, you guys don't know about antibiotics or vets. We do like you don't know what you're going to die. Yeah, they do.
Except except squirrels apparently have a concept of time because they bury food and they know that they might know they coming. They know they're going to need food in the future, but they don't know death is coming.
Don't they also lose the food most of the time I forget where they put it.
Yes. Which Sarah Silverman has an amazing joke about that, about how the reason trees are planted are because squirrels forget where they buried their acorns, which is like just the cutest thing ever.
I know. I love that.
Have you had any fun? I've had a great time, really so much. Is this so weird? I know it's not weird. Actually, I thought it was gonna be much more weird than it is. Really? Yeah. Because I don't know. I thought I wouldn't have like anything to talk about. But what do you mean? Do I feel like we could do this for five more hours?
I thought you sat beside just a set of ears and haven't said anything this whole time. Really impressive. Oh wait.
I actually literally didn't notice this entire time. What are the. Oh, like she's so respectful. She's not. You move it over so we can see it in the camera like these are Azamara ears.
Oh she's joining us. Some video we have how to work on. You can come down. Oh wait. So what do you do? You listen to Asmar. I know what that is kind of like. You talk really like really. I know if I have a voice for that kind of work.
Can I tell you something? If you did Asmar videos on YouTube, you would have more money than Elon Musk, frankly.
What did people talk about like? Well, they do it. You can talk or make noise.
Is there any other people you can like, mouth sounds or they'll like stuff in the ear and pull it out of the they like literally just do this.
They like take a cap off a pen and put it back on. They like tear a piece of paper, they just like and people just love hearing it helps them fall asleep. Oh I didn't know. Yeah. It's like what they fall asleep to. Benton said it was like a like a sexual thing.
I didn't know that there probably are some somewhere. I think that one is calming.
When I watched it I felt it was sexual because I just was like it was just like a lot of like whispering and like, I don't I feel like I maybe but projected onto it a little bit. But then when it turned into tearing paper and stuff, it feels like nails on a chalkboard to my ear. So I feel like for a musician it might be a nightmare because like the sound is really crisp is at the point. That's the idea.
You get a really, really good microphone and like whisper.
And that one is I've never seen anything like that. Yeah, that one's too. It's like if you're on this side, it's like they're just in this ear or vice versa. And isn't it what is called audio murnighan response.
Yes. Yeah. Audio sensors and some Renren audio that's ready in response.
So there's something about what it does to your brain. It sounds like for some people they feel like tingles. Oh, like it makes them actually feel good and like literally like the sound us. I got to check some Estima some. Yeah.
It's like people use it for like therapy and stuff like, like for anxiety, things like that. Don't like how people listen to like Bech sounds or like. Yeah it's like that. Yeah. But different.
Yeah. There's something like soothing about it. Um some people do the opposite of my podcast. There's something calming and relaxing about it. How are you guys getting into it. Is that way you got. Well we thought it'd be funny to do like we, we, I thought we if I read Whitney's text messages to me in a similar.
Oh, I'll definitely be watching that. You, Benton is really Otterman.
Can you make one about the yellowjackets. You're really into that.
Benton made me laugh so hard yesterday talking about yellowjackets. Is it grippy that I know. And I know exactly what you're talking about, Canada, is that as funny as I think it is? It's very funny. Like I can't. Is any of this funny? I like the way you say the word Yellowjacket. She said that she she said Thamir Yellowjacket, like like.
Can you give us some feedback on that? Do I do too many stories. I'm sorry. Bring more.
Are you sure. I'm all throughout my day. I watch those stories. Please keep them coming.
I feel like it looks insane. Like bringing up Sarah Silverman again. She responded one of my stories the other day.
I was like, do you watch this? Like the idea that people I know or like in my head, they just go out to like strangers and not people I actually have to see.
You'd probably never want to have a reality show, but I feel like it's proof that you could hold one up completely if you do.
I know David Spade the other day said that he like, why don't you guys see reality shows?
Like, I would watch I hate I hate my husband and says I like to leave money on the table. That's my that's my deal. I like to have as little money as possible.
I want to forget who I am, if you like, saying no where I came from.
Yeah, I don't. I'm a. I just I don't think about stories for some reason, I just I think of them as just like are I think of it as like my photo album, like it's just us, like texting a video to each other. And then people will I'll be walking down the street and people like bap, bap, bap. I'm like, how did you know that? Like, I just I think because I've been in quarantine for so long, I don't I just you put on a computer and it's like feels like you're just like gone.
You just think it's like sending an email to like one person. It's like, you know, like, oh no. A lot of people saw that.
I literally fell asleep the other night to you looking at your different, like screens on your TV. Like I was into that. I was like down my entire ride to school, you know, the invasion of the middle of the day.
It was daytime and the screensaver was on. And we were trying to have a meeting and she would go and look at this.
Look at this right here. This is where where is this do you think this is this is where do you think this is like jellyfish? There's no jellyfish in the middle of our meeting. I was like, are we is this what we're doing?
I'm my favorite show on TV are apple divers. They just they do like a slowmo mo drone shots of just like forests and glaciers and and jellyfish and yellowjackets and all sorts. And I sit there and I watch it and it makes me think I'm stoned because I'm like, I don't really smoke weed, I don't really drink. And I'm like, that's what it feels like to be stopped. Like there's something hypnotic about it. Maybe that's what I assume is to other people.
Mine is visual.
So into that I was like, wow, I cannot think about anything else. I watch him for hours because she had one.
And this happens on all the Apple TV is like my one upstairs is done all the time. I have those on my TV like maybe have a new appreciation.
They move so slow. I think it's something about the velocity at which they move.
It goes on for so long and said, OK, OK, I know we've been here for too long, but I don't give a shit.
So I'm watching it and I'm like I then get in this. I think this is what meditation is because I'm in the present moment, I'm like, this is ever going to end. Like, why is this going on so long? And then I start to think about the people that put them together. And I'm like, who makes up these time frames? Like, why would it be like three minutes? And then as soon as I think it's never going to end, it switches to another one.
I'm like, oh, did you figure out a way to, like, switch them? I was trying to promote it.
Everybody told me there's a button, but I don't think I want to. I think I want to be a prisoner. I want to be on the screen savers time. I don't want to be on my time. I want to I want to surrender the more relaxing. Yes.
I wouldn't touch a bit anything. Don't doesn't watch movies, doesn't watch TV, listen to music.
But just on your couch like stare blank staring at your TV, no pictures on the walls just because you deprived yourself of all that stuff.
It's like what you were talking about. Yeah that's it.
She said I've never seen a picture here but I'll say the more TV you watch, it's like the less exciting life gets. So I did this thing where it's like. It's like what I imagine porn is like. The more porn you watch, the less exciting sex is going to be. Right. I've had guys say they take months off porn and then they have sex and like sex is amazing. It's like, yeah, always was. You just get desensitized.
I stopped watching TV for like a month and then I turned it on. Were you here when there was like a special on about you kept asking me, do you watch the show?
Do you have you ever seen this show before? I was like, no, I've seen friends tell you do take a month off watching TV and then go back to it and it will blow your mind.
I was watching commercials that I was like, oh, look at the guy. Go, get go. So cool.
Like, I was like a candy shop. He's so different now. Before he didn't want to be the going to go and now he does everything I am. I watched a show called The Rookie and I was like, whoa, look at these car chases. Like I was like my brain was exploding. I watched a special of Katie Couric interviewing Regis Philbin and I was dying.
Laughing That's how I knew I was meant to be funny.
It was I don't think so. I was just like, so you have to deprive yourself, I think, in order to really enjoy something. So what I'll do before podcast is I won't talk to anyone the day before so that when I get here, I'm so excited to talk, you know what I mean? Whereas, like, I've made the mistake before of like having a bunch of meetings and podcasting to be like, oh God, I have no brain power left.
Like, you have to, like, sort of put yourself in a situation where you need something.
So it's kind of like when people are in jail and they put them in a room away and, you know, that's totally needed.
But I believe, oh, here's something.
Advice like you're in jail. I do. You eat like you're in jail. When she does when she when she works with me, she locks herself in an empty room to work on it and sits in the most uncomfortable chair she owns half awake like this.
Yeah, I do. I do. If I'm working on a script, if I'm working on a script or like new standup or something like that, I have like an attic and I will just do it's just a desk and a chair. And if you're in too cozy a workspace, you're going to want to stay there.
And this is like I need to write 30 pages of this script. I'm going to put myself in uncomfortable situations possible so that I'm motivated to do it faster.
Prisonlike. Yeah, yeah. It's like a masochistic work ethic, like get people in their office decorating.
There's. Hours and hours, cushions, and there's a yoga ball, I'm like, why are you settling in? If you had like a bean bag, you'd probably fall asleep. Yeah, this is not good. This is it. I need to be as uncomfortable as possible. That's sort of my goal.
That's a tinder box. Oh, yeah. OK, this is how we're going to show. What is your what after talking to her for how long you've been here. Four and a half hours. What is your bio for your dating app.
God, there were so many good options.
Men have killed themselves for me so that men set themselves on fire for me. What do you got? I'm going that two. I own two houses. Star of your childhood.
We have to come up with it. I'm going to go with. I don't know if men have killed themselves very much.
That guy I'm going to attract the people of this. My life has been a nightmare. That's good. That leg starts off right off the bat like a little pity, like a nightmare. But you could be my dream, having saved my life and saved my life. And then, like, every picture will just be me. And exactly in different places. I'm not going to get a brand.
I'm not going to get me far. I feel like I have everything but a husband. I want your I like. I like. I have everything but a husband. I also think boundaries, like boundaries would be good for, you know, video games. If your mom cleans your house. Swipe left.
My dad thinks I'm cooler than Beyonce. Hey, that's a good one. Yes. Yes.
Tom Cosgrove things. I'm just you know what? You should just put Tom's business address like his like his are just his just promote his business. You should let your dad write your bio.
That's the key. That would be that would be very frightening. No say questions. Funny. You should ask your dad's favorite show. Funny. You should ask love Tom Cosgrave.
I would say just put the link to this podcast episode.
OK, if you want, if you want to date me, listen to this first and then decide then if you like it now you know everything you need to know. That's true.
There'd be a good place to start Orchid's you know, how do you handle a bad situation. Because they come at you. That's it.
I'm telling you. Can you put out fires? Are you good at shifting through surveillance?
Good. First fireman. Yeah. Do you know first aid? Well, thank you guys for all of the options.
I got to go around. I going to get those around and circle back. I'll let you know how it goes.
And when we're done, I'm going to ask you a dating app. You're on, OK? Can I tell you your dream. Your dream come true?
True. You truly legend starts you've I mean, I think we tried to do this in January and then the covid happened. And when I almost died, yeah, we came back and then I'm like, I just you're just like a breath of fresh air. This makes me think people don't have to be toxic. It's made me realize how many years, how many people in my life was so toxic.
This is also creepy, but I'm on Rhia and I actually like put that I like girls so that I can see the competition.
And I saw your page starting nowhere on.
I think it is a big age bracket. What do you mean? Did I see you on my where's my phone. I did that too. Really.
I put it on girls to see my competition and it made me so depressed I didn't go on it for like one friend did it first before I did. And she started talking to some girl and she thought, like, the girl was really cool and wanted to, like, be friends with the girl. Yeah. The girl thought that she, like, want to go out with her. So she had she was like really upset about it for like a while because she wanted to be friends with the girl in the girl.
And she really like talking to the girl first. She was just jealous of the girl. She thought the girl was like, so beautiful and she couldn't believe it. And then the girl messaged her. She was like, oh, hey, what's up? The answer back. And they started talking. It got along really well. And it turned into, like, this whole weird thing. Well, your friend's gay also.
I mean, she doesn't know that yet, but she's like, I really like this girl. She won't talk to me anymore. And I really love her, but I don't want to date her like she I mean, we're just outing people.
Yeah. I mean, really.
Bye. I need to update my bio, my bike. That is up to your bio. I don't, I don't.
I mean. Oh I don't think. Wait, where's my phone.
Take my photo right here. Oh my photos are why.
Why are you laughing.
My this is my I actually have a fucking bomb. OK, what's your song. Oh my god. This is a dating app where you have to pick at least three photos and a song. If it's not your own song, I will leave this.
Oh that is such a powerful change. It constantly it was. It's Whitney Houston. Simply the best or just. Oh yeah.
OK, so my bio I'll show it to you. I don't give a fuck. I'll show you my profile right now.
I need to add a bio. Everyone has one. Mine is. How do you go to your bio, Haldun. This is my dating app you got. How do I go to my profile, OK? Oh, God, this photo, I look like I look like Skeletor. Oh my God, you're you're so nice. You don't look like you're desperately trying to like, OK.
I mean, this isn't desperate. I feel like a picture. Huh?
This is me, by the way, three, not three years ago. Can you imagine in full hair and makeup, full hair and makeup, full Princess Leia braids to try to get the Silicon Valley nerds to try to try to trigger the tech guys to fall in love with me? And then you press it. My second picture me with a dog foot on my face. The next one.
You're kidding. What's your song? My song. Oh, the food's here. Me. And that's a fucking pathetic. That's embarrassing. That's desperate. This is the funniest one, though. The last picture is Neil Brennan holding my profile on his lawn, the food I think is here.
Oh, OK. So hold on. So if you so that's my and my song is a blood orange song. My it's blood orange. You're not good enough. It's a song called You Aren't Good Enough. So what happens when you look at my bio is it basically just says you're not good enough.
That's a bad move. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm all about power move or just being repellent.
Hold on. How come my songs are playing on silent mode. My time is like no. Yeah. Wait I play. Oh here we go. Here it is.
You want to date me into this, huh. I think you want to sleep with three dogs in a bed and a girl who only is on the bottom swipe right. Yeah, it's very chill for you.
I know that's blood orange is like my favorite band. OK, let's see it. Oh my God. This is my nightmare that I'm okay with that. So embarrassing. But look, I got my cat in, OK? I mean, give me smiling properly. It's not ok. You made one.
I mean that's like a little up close.
Like why have you. I couldn't make it with John Cusack yet. Have you. You have not met. No. I mean, there are some very random celebrities on here. I when I, I have to change my what's it called. Edit my preferences are people that are mean to you.
If you don't answer like really quickly. Jesus like sometimes people are mean on the app, like give me your fucking phone.
I don't respond to these people myself.
I think people do not ah don't think to be mean to me. This one's good.
He said I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you expire in eight days. Would you answer that? It sounds kind of scary, like the bird. I mean, I literally do my biological clock actually expires, is I?
So he wanted you to reach out to him. That's all he's ever said to me. Get the fuck out of here. You should look at him. You're a really big prize guy. What do I get these guys who want to be like Rosta and negative and like sassy. Get the fuck out of here. How about it's a fucking honor to match with you, you queen. How did I get so lucky? Fuck out of here.
This one guy said hi and then like three hours passed and then he said, well, I guess I'll just go fuck myself.
Then I was like, really crazy. Magro. I was like, jeez, that is poor.
I'm going to get you on my wi fi so that I could actually start responding to these people. Oh, I just saw someone I know Onvia. God damn it.
A lot of these I'm trying to think I'm trying to see if I see any celebrities. Oh, I know him. It's a lot of comedians on here, a lot of DJs, a lot of famous DJs that rhyme with bed bouse.
People should like always have you guys around when they sign up for dating. And they'd have like a lot more confidence on the mind.
Just as comedian, I that's what I put in my job. I don't think. But I don't think that this has a tagline. I don't think you can put a tagline on this app.
But sometimes people have like a whole paragraph about themselves, I swear. Well, that's a narcissist. That's a red flag. I also get a lot of couples like on here.
Isn't that so weird?
Has that ever happened to you that D.M. that you match with like people are like looking for a third. Yeah. Don't walk into that hornet's nest. Don't step into those yellow jackets. Yeah. You do not want to get involved in someone's divorce.
I just didn't even know that was a thing. So like if someone has someone with them in their picture, I think like I just thought it was like their friend. And then all of a sudden, like an open relationship, I guess. But like, I just didn't even think anyone really did that.
And then, like, people will come up and they'll like, I don't have time to date one person, much less to I mean, like, what a nightmare. Honestly, just call it call it.
OK, if you're sitting down having a big conversation about an open relationship, just call it put your butt each other out of each other's misery and just fucking end it. Don't drag other people. Don't you like other people into your fucking nightmare? I mean, can you imagine. Sorry, I'm really cracking myself up on this.
I mean, who hoo hoo what are the chances that you're going to find someone that's going to like both of you do?
I mean, I call it looking for a unicorn, right? Yeah. Be fair.
You never that I barely like you find somebody.
Yeah. Yeah. To find like a third that again to both people it's a mystery. Yeah.
What are the chances I let me figure out if I like you and then I can decide if I like your girlfriend that you don't like anymore. I mean like if you don't want to keep fucking each other, why do I want to fuck both of you. Like what are the chances just because you guys are over each other, why would I fix it. Yeah.
Oh, baby. Oh God. I would talk to you all day. I guess we're going to be friends. You're stuck with me.
What a delight. Follow Miranda. You probably already do. And you're about to see some hot content on her page because I have a feeling Benton's going to take over all of her social media content.
Don't ride elephants per usual. Is there anything you'd like to say?
Nope, I think I got it all in there.
Thank you guys so much until the round to let it out by the March one.