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[00:00:14]

I I'm very flustered that you're here. What became flustered to be here, I love you starting out this way like but you instantly put me at ease, really. I'm like, honestly, I have never felt this comfortable around you. Well, on camera, this is where we both feel the most comfortable. That's true. But for this downstairs and then you let me come in your room and you're like changing your peeing with the door open. But even before that, the second you open the door to your mansion, you were just you just go, do you need anything?

[00:00:48]

What did you say to me? You said something that I was like, Mom, Mom, I took out my to go it in your mouth. Go. What do you need? I mean, I'm not kidding you. I was sitting on the toilet because I go I got to go to the bathroom. I was sitting in there in your perfect bathroom that's like dimly lit. And I just wanted to camp out in there. It's better than my like, anything I've any room I've ever owned or rented is that bathroom.

[00:01:13]

That's my panic room. But it's just it's incredible in there. I mean, you had towels instead of, like, paper towels. And there was I just don't know what to do with a towel, like a personal towel. Did you steal it? I just I thought about it because I was like, there's nowhere to put this thing. So I just kind of like tossed it gently on the counter and hoping that it gets blamed on someone.

[00:01:33]

So they're going to reuse it in the time of covid, I should have disposable napkins. So that was your that was the right thing to do. But I was sitting there and I was just it just resonate in my head, like, what do you need?

[00:01:45]

What do you what do you need? It was just so loving. You're I get that energy from, you know, and you're like, I need to leave.

[00:01:52]

I'm going to be honest. I want to stay. I really am digging your vibe like what's going on every time I run into you. I mean, I was talking about you on stage for a while because I was talking about that damn book you turned me on to.

[00:02:06]

I want to get into that. But I wanted it so much. But I want to start I always start the podcast asking the guest I don't get to chime in at all.

[00:02:13]

I don't do intros, asking the guest if we're friends and what our relationship is like, because a lot of times we're just morphic about how our relationships are with people.

[00:02:21]

You get to describe it.

[00:02:24]

Well, OK, I would yes, I would call you a friend. Would I go on to be like we hang out all the time and talk all the time? Definitely not like. But would I be down. Definitely, yes. And like so much so now I'm like so like into everything that's happening in this house and like your vibe, I'm just like diggin you.

[00:02:45]

But yeah, we're friends. Yeah. I would say like I would say my friend Whitney Cummings if I was to talk about you, but I wouldn't. It sounds like a name drop so I would go on to elaborate like but we're not best friends and I don't want I'm not like tooting my own horn. But yes, I do text her and like I could call you now. I know and I've called you once and covid I can call you about anything and like get just a really nice kind.

[00:03:10]

What do you need. Response.

[00:03:12]

So yes. Yes, you did freeze as if you've never been to that before. I don't think I have to look to look good. Have found it was so nice. It's like I'm going to steal that for when I have like a mansion of my own when I guess what do you need.

[00:03:25]

It's actually a good thing to ask a man when he's upset or when someone's upset at you, not just a man. Just what do you need? Yes. How can I help you again?

[00:03:36]

It just washed over me in a way that I will think it will resonate. It feels good to just start hysterically crying. But we were we were we were friends. I was thinking about it today.

[00:03:47]

I do have a resentment because I believe we should be better friend.

[00:03:52]

Oh, I had so much I really appreciate. I, I that's all I want. I've only given you distance because I feel like I want to be. You have too many friends, you work too hard and they all just got canceled. I will be opening this table. A lot of availability I favored.

[00:04:16]

So my phone well put, put in applications I'll put mine in. I really, I feel like whenever I see you, I feel very connected to you and I feel very close to you. And I get suspicious because I am codependent in Trencher and I do get too close to people too fast sometimes and I trauma bond with people.

[00:04:40]

And so I think I've always I've always just been really I've overthought you a lot.

[00:04:47]

Like when I see you, I'm always like, why are we better friends and shapes? We should be, but why are we friends? Like, I just I think about it. And then I'm always like, oh well, she lives in New York and like, yeah, that's that. I'm like, well I'm really flattered that you that feel so that's so nice and so unexpected because I felt the same about you but just felt like you were like I don't know because we were we, I remember I was moving to L.A. in twenty six right.

[00:05:14]

In college new No. One. Right. And I came across a clip of yours. Had you done Kimmel at that point like your first appearance, like what was your first appearance that you might have had on your MySpace.

[00:05:25]

I'm a I'm obsessed and people try to give you a compliment and they over compliment you and then you have to admit what it was and it ends up being embarrassing.

[00:05:34]

So she's like, do you to come on? I'm like, no, it was last call with Carson Daly. Did you do that?

[00:05:40]

That was that was sabotage. That was it. That was a big deal. That was a big deal. And I remember seeing your clip and just and that's how I kind of moved to L.A. and found friends, was I just reached out to different comedians and was like, I'm moving to town. Can we be friends? Oh, nice. You were you got back to me and were like, of course, and then I followed you around town and you took me to all open mikes, introduced me to everyone.

[00:06:03]

You were so nice. And I tried to keep up with you and I couldn't like you were just you remember how hard I mean, you still work that hard, just in a different way. And it was insane. I learned a lot from you. Really? Yeah.

[00:06:15]

You running around that you were hitting like open mikes were hard to come by back.

[00:06:20]

Yeah. We remember there was one that was like a coffee shop. You had to go to a website. I believe it was called Chuckle Monkey. Yes.

[00:06:27]

Which is a problematic handle. And then you would go up. It might be happening. It might not. They'd have to have enough people. You would like drive to Van Nuys, drive the one on to pull it up, like you had to wait for two hours. They'd pull your name out of a thing. You'd get up and do Horsemen's launch you to shit. You might show. Yeah, you you just watch yourself. You were so cool and you were like kind of fresh on the scene, too.

[00:06:53]

I mean.

[00:06:53]

Yeah, but you were you just had no you were you were so nice and you like took me under your wing and I remember we would write together but you were just in another league in terms of like, I know what I'm doing, I know what I want and I like my addiction was just way more intense.

[00:07:10]

You and then you just you took off. And I remember I was moving back to St. Louis because I ran out of money and was like things weren't going the way I wanted them to. And I was just and I remember being back in St. Louis. And you were when we talked on the phone about something, you were giving me advice about something great. And you were talking about doing the rose.

[00:07:27]

And I was like, she's gone. She's gone. Like, she's it's just you were in another level so quickly. I mean, you and you've only continued. I remember I have so many so many weird feelings about that time because it was so clear that I was an unrecovered addict. It workaholism. Right. And my fear of failure was so intense. I almost feel like I was unconscious, like I blacked out. So much of that. Like, people tell me they're like used to run around in a backpack.

[00:07:54]

And I'm like, I don't remember. I was unconscious. And I have so much insecurity about that time and so much embarrassment in a weird way, like a shame, because I people call me ambitious and that my brain always takes that as a rejection. No. One, you're not really talented. You're not just you are really hard.

[00:08:15]

You just work just fine too. OK, sure. That is fine. Not the case with you, but I have the same. I know exactly what you're saying and I want to just have a caveat and say no, that you have both. And that's what makes you doesn't it weird you out when someone calls you ambitious? Oh yeah. When they go you work or you deserve that. You really deserve that.

[00:08:33]

You work really hard and like so you just think the only difference between me and you is that I just I had more time and I, I don't have a family or whatever or what it is like. They're also saying it's not effortless for you.

[00:08:45]

Like it couldn't be you know, all I wanted to be is effortless. Yeah. Just like so I don't know. And maybe it's just because it's like Uki, when someone says you're so ambitious, it's like you look tired, but there's something dismissive about it and there's something like pathological about it. Like you're ambitious, like you need this. You have a whole to fail or something.

[00:09:08]

It is it's and it's weird because you I remember I think even people that you really adore and like and respect can trigger you sometimes and show you invisible wounds when you were working on your new special, which is fucking brilliant.

[00:09:23]

Thanks, girl. Bangin on Netflix. I'm sure you've seen it. Watch it again. You were like working around the clubs and you were doing like I would see your name on the a couple lineups.

[00:09:32]

And I was like, the fuck is she doing? I was like, OK, like, all right, we're doing this.

[00:09:37]

And I remember being like, I need to work harder. And then I was like, what's that like? I saw your work ethic and it held up some, like, insecurity for me.

[00:09:46]

I feel that way all the time. Six months ago. Yeah, yeah. We can, we can. But I'm still like that. I'm in that man like I it's funny to hear that someone like you would have looked at me and felt that way because I was trying to keep up with you. We're all as much as we say that we don't want to compete with other women, it's so hard to feel like you shouldn't. And that and to tell yourself that it's not a competition.

[00:10:13]

But also we should like in a way that we have to. But there's a way to do it. Where I like to go.

[00:10:20]

I remember when Anthony Jeselnik was on was like, I like aspirational competition going. She did it. I can do it, too. Yeah, you know what I mean? In a way that we can be not competitive as a scarcity complex. Like if she gets it, I don't get it. It's not that it's oh my God, there's room for all of us. Yes. If she but like to me, I always root for women to be successful.

[00:10:38]

I'm like, please, I want your show to go eight seasons because that means people go see women can syndicate. Yes. It's good for all of us. Yes.

[00:10:45]

When women win. And I think it's so anathema to the way we're programmed, I, I completely. Yeah. I don't think it's about like oh there's one spot and she's going to get it and I'm not, it's like she will be so much better that it will make me. Look so terrible that I won't ever work again because I have to keep up with being that good. Yeah. And I think that's where I get the competitive nature. But even you're saying, like, I get jealous of when people are, like, running themselves ragged, like and don't look good.

[00:11:10]

And it's not like I get jealous of the things when people are released here themselves, clear that they're not. Well, yeah, but I get jealous of that. I'm like, why can't I be that addicted to it and when but but the goal is to feel good. So I don't really know what the hell to do. I mean, like that's what I was just saying to you about getting back into stand up. And I'm like, I don't really want to go back out there right now.

[00:11:33]

I don't feel like working the clubs, but I'm so scared to not stay on the level with everyone else because the stand up, it's like the gym. You got to fucking work do it a lot. You can't just do one show here and there. At least I can't. I also don't think you have carved Nesh God.

[00:11:51]

That's so boomer of me to say, like what you do has gotten so specific and so granular in terms of analyzing your psyche and looking at yourself that a lot of the work that you are doing moving forward can be done without being in front of an audience. Yeah, I do sometimes think we go in front of an audience so much that we I'd like to take years off between. I took a year off after my third special before my fourth special reason that I was like not just doing a bad impression of myself.

[00:12:19]

I had to grow. I had to I felt that in your special like I feel like I felt just and talk about intimidation with specials like yours coming out like right before I think it was before I was going to take in or right before I came out and just watching it and being like I remember being like, I need to step it up and being feeling inspired, I would say I hope. Good thing, you know what I mean. Not not threatened.

[00:12:44]

And truly, I think that, like, I want to be doing stuff that makes people think the way this is changing the way that I do that with me.

[00:12:51]

Like, I think I see the work that you're doing and like, I watch my show and I'm like, damn.

[00:12:56]

Like, she is fucking fearless in a way that I thought I was fearless like she is, because I think comedy is becoming unless you're going to be constitutionally yourself and fucking vulnerable, you are only as sick as your secrets. And you could do not good to have secrets anymore, don't you don't. And we will find out about those secrets and you will not I don't want and I as a consumer don't want to watch stand up comedians who aren't being fully honest.

[00:13:22]

So when I find out that someone is a monster behind closed doors, even if they're my favorite comic, which they have been before, I'm not interested in them like you were lying. Do it fucking phony. Yeah. The one place you're allowed to talk about how big of a scumbag you are. Yeah.

[00:13:36]

You fuck your life if we let we do a lot of stuff there. Yeah. We say I lie and I cheat and I'm jealous and I'm disgusting. Yeah. I'm an addict and you still fucking lie. That's, that's if you had just said I'm a fucking scumbag we would have been like good for you. I know, I know. Fucking cheated us and you tried to hoodwink us. And that's the kind of shit I don't play that shit.

[00:13:59]

I know. And and I think that's what people want that like honesty now, like it's just all that.

[00:14:07]

Do you ever get scared or you ever like, oh God, why did I say that? Or like I wish I had to share that.

[00:14:11]

Yes, because sometimes like on my podcast recently, like I've just been really I've been like depressed and grunting like up and down and like having some low lows that I'm like embarrassed about where I say things on the phone with my friends that concern them. Like my dad will call me if I go on a run and be like, are you are you OK? And I'm like, oh, you think I jumped off a bridge, like saying stuff like that that no, please, please laugh if you don't, I'm only as sick as my secrets with me.

[00:14:37]

You said it out loud. Least some shame. Yes, but I've been seeing some dark shit. Yeah.

[00:14:41]

And I think I say that stuff when I'm really depressed because I want a reaction. I want someone to be worried.

[00:14:47]

I want so I just say, what do you need. Yeah. You know, I grew up, I got attention pretty much only when I was sick. And it took me a really long time to stop victimizing myself or pretending I was sick in order to get attention and love. I thought I had to be weak or broken to be loved. I admitted this to a friend of ours, Taylor Tomlinson, who's downstairs right now. She was talking about her night terrors.

[00:15:09]

She has night terrors. And I assume that's not a secret. But if it is, I'll ask. I promise. And she was like, I have nightmares. And then my boyfriend wake me up and I just blurt it out. I said when I was in my 20s, I pretended to have nightmares. Someone would fall in love with me.

[00:15:24]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Great. See who would like wake up gently in the middle of night to go pee or something and then you would get ready and go like, how am I really going to sell this? And I would just be like, wow, I am like this is just something to hold you. It's ok. It's OK. Yeah. Oh be so sweet. It is. I mean it really sweet and smart.

[00:15:44]

Did not listen. That's smart. I was it was proposed to by many men in my twenties. They are now in rehab doing great. I thi I thought that.

[00:15:56]

No one wanted a healed, whole healthy functioning person. Yes, yes, I thought I had to be sick for anyone to care or pay attention to me. Oh, wow.

[00:16:05]

I don't know if I have that as much as that. I, I. Hmm.

[00:16:11]

It's like if they just fuckin love at all costs, but so scared that if you get it they'll, it'll go away and you need to manipulate to get it. Like my thing is like being not being like when I'm with a boyfriend I'm fine, I am perfect. There's no alarm. Like I would never really share like deep depressing thoughts with like a boyfriend type person because I don't want them to be like, I can't deal with this. Like, I keep that stuff kind of hidden, like everything's fine being a whole relationship and never once complained to him about his behavior, about anything, because I'm so scared that if I say anything critical about or like voice a concern, he'll go, well, you're ugly.

[00:16:53]

And I you don't deserve to be with me anyway. And so are you having any complaint? I'm going to leave because I don't need this.

[00:17:00]

I'm not going to change. They're my biggest fear is them being like your well spewing out all the things that they've been hiding and be like, well, you're this and this and this and this. And then be like, oh, I can't take it and mean you get overwhelmed by the fact that you have needs or they'll use it as ammo against you later. They'll they'll just tell me in like. So if I'm like I don't like the way you talk to me.

[00:17:22]

Well I don't like this and this. And this and this and this.

[00:17:24]

And then I'm just like, you see all these things and I won't be able to recover or hey, I don't like this about you all say. And then they go, well, that's the way I am. So by and then I'm like, I guess I have to go because I've had to do that before we break up, you have to break up with someone because you're like, I need this. The one time I asked for something, he couldn't give it.

[00:17:44]

And I was like, I guess I have to break up with you. I just thought I was going to be an easy thing.

[00:17:48]

Yeah, that was like a rhetorical thing you were supposed to have. You see movies. You know how this will actually work. You're supposed to come to my job and apologize and get me back. Yep. And I'm just scared of. Yeah.

[00:18:00]

So I mean, relationships are just like I'm just doing the work on myself right now.

[00:18:07]

I mean that's my deal because little late I it's not a little late. No, no, no, no, no. Not so many years.

[00:18:14]

Once you really start the work on yourself to be like open to others loving you and I'm like I'm thirty six. I should have taken my No part of this don't you.

[00:18:22]

Years back, I believe firmly at this point that we only attract people who are as healthy as we are. And my goal now is to get healthy enough to attract the person I want because we're not healthy. The person who wants not going to be interested in you, only sick people are going to be interested in sick people.

[00:18:42]

So if I just get my shit together and become the person I remember one time a therapist said to me when I was in my twenties and I was cheating and I was manipulating and lying and codependent and controlling and mothering and micromanaging and martyring and the whole I can't wait to hang out with you and hear each one of those, like the stories behind each one of those Mambi Glamazon.

[00:19:04]

She said something that was, you know, how sometimes whether you're just ready to hear, you're primed to hear it, you hear the right thing at the right time. It just hits you exactly how you needed to hear it. It's so simple.

[00:19:12]

She just went, would you want to date? You know? And I was like, no, like, no.

[00:19:18]

It'd be a nightmare to be exhausting. Yeah, no. Because when I was realizing is that I would shape shift into what I thought the other person wanted, which to me is like a benevolent act of charity, like I'm turning into this person you want, I'm cheering for the team you like, and I'm converting to the religion that you like. And I'm doing this and I'm meditating and I'm doing and it's lying. And they resent you and they resent you for eventually the jig is going to be up and you don't have to take the wig off or whatever, you know, and then they're like, wait a second, who's who's this person?

[00:19:48]

And then you resent them because you were acting the whole time. Yeah. And then they now have to meet this new person. And also it's you lose respect for them. I have this theory that when you lie to someone, you lose respect for them because they bought it. Yes, I bought that. I fooled you. Yeah. Yeah. You said that you don't even see through it. It's looking at it's toxic on every level.

[00:20:08]

But I truly didn't know any other way than like you trick a guy into loving you. You just you have to manipulate and be someone that you're not. And there's no other way. And I still struggle with it like of just because I still compare myself so much to to looks wise and career wise, like there's so much comparison going on.

[00:20:29]

There's so much I'm not good enough stuff, even though every year it gets better because you have to let this stuff go.

[00:20:37]

But like, I don't know, I was on the way here and I just taped Kimmel and and they posted a picture of myself, which I haven't posted, like a glam shot in months now. Right. Because of quarantine. And it's like a shot where I'm just like I look pretty.

[00:20:52]

You know what? I'm I like the way I'm going to say something that. I'm a suspect like you look on cuttable, we all talk about it, it's a topic of conversation that's really gossip about how hot you are. All the time comes up a lot. I'm a predator. I sat it likewise. I don't know. I don't know how you wouldn't know that about you, but it's literally I like being a lot like you're so pretty. Some girls don't like you.

[00:21:22]

I don't like you sometimes because of Instagram. I have to. There's been times we almost had to meet you because you're so pretty. I will admit it. I've muted you. I will just stand I've muted you because you're too pretty. It's not been anything else. It's like your boobs look too good. You're having too much fun, you're too pretty. And I tried to put you on mute and then I forget because something something will come up and I'm like, why is she posted about that?

[00:21:48]

Yes, she's doing that thing. It's like, oh, you were too insecure to hear about your friend doing a cool thing. So done it. Well, that's my tits are fake, but thank you. They are. Yes. I didn't know that about you, although I'm sure I've talked about it with other female comics and speculated for hours on end. I will literally fucking go with my tits are completely fake. So good though. Are you happy with them or happy with them.

[00:22:17]

I didn't get them until I was thirty three. I want to say I got my pretty, pretty late you know as you already crankin by then.

[00:22:26]

I mean were you worried that people are going to be like, oh I'm going to pay for them. I had to get money first, but they don't really do layaway with tits out here. But the first round of Bursten pounds I got the first one I got because I had such bad eating disorders of fat, I thought, OK, if I just get bigger boobs, I'll feel better about my body because I was trying to match my body to my boob size.

[00:22:49]

But then it was this weird whack a mole because my boobs wouldn't grow because I was so malnourished when I was a teenager.

[00:22:57]

So they like grew in these weird sizes and my mom had boobs and my aunts had boobs, like genetically I'm supposed to have boobs and it's been but my eating disorder thwarted them. I was so ashamed about getting breast implants. I literally went online and Googled like breast implant.

[00:23:11]

Los Angeles went to a guy who worked out of his house. He did the surgery by the airport.

[00:23:20]

It was like four thousand dollars not see, I was not. It was. And he cut through a muscle and, like, totally fucked him up. So I but I was so embarrassed to ask, like, who's the good person?

[00:23:31]

Like, you did it all. I mean, you had one handed. I was shooting a movie and people still like that movie ever come out. Like I created this a weird, elaborate lie. And and it was crazy because you can't lift things for like four weeks. And I was like a T-Rex, like trying to lift things. Like it was like kind of a rock bottom in my codependents and fear of embarrassment or my body stuff. And then I got them fixed.

[00:23:59]

I want to say, like three years ago by someone that knows how to do it, who has a license.

[00:24:04]

Oh, that's great. Yes. But when you're getting like surgery by the airport, like better half.com as fona friends go to that meeting, I, I love hearing about that because. Yeah, I mean, I'm, I've looked into all of that stuff and I'm still like not putting it off the table to get work done. But I the stuff that I have had done, the injections in my face or the intense lasers where your body's seriously thinks it's being burned alive.

[00:24:36]

So you they have to hold you down because you'll try to escape.

[00:24:41]

I got a laser. Were they. They were like strap you down because they're like, well, your body thinks it's on fire. So it's going to want to like the instincts are going to want to run into a lake, a nearby body on aquaduct. Your fight or flight response is you're getting physically violent and stronger, frankly. Yeah, this is going to be like. So they had to strap you down because they burned my face so much to look better.

[00:25:03]

And I remember doing that and being like, wow, I just like that's such abuse to yourself.

[00:25:08]

That's so mean to do to your body, to put it into that kind of shock where it thinks it's dying so that I can look at you even like I didn't even notice or care.

[00:25:18]

Like those shuttle astronauts are not ideal, but it I just the beauty shouldn't like.

[00:25:24]

So I was on the way over here and I'm like, oh by the way, if I may, we also look at ourselves way more than we should. And this is all getting worse.

[00:25:32]

Like I don't do zoom meetings or zoom podcasts anymore. Thank you so much for coming in person and I've been wanting to have that for so long. I can't look at the zooms because you're just looking at yourself. I know I can't stare at myself all day. I'm already too dysmorphic. You know, they say that if you were to run into yourself on the street, you wouldn't even recognize yourself. That's how dysmorphic we are.

[00:25:51]

Oh, my God. And I believe that because I have sometimes seen a. Reflection of myself and like a bank window or whatever, and I go, oh my God, she's so cute. And then I realized it's me and I go look on a dime that flips like that.

[00:26:06]

And let me ask you a crazy question. Is part of the reason that we're so self-critical is and does any of this in our brains is part of what makes us funny. Are we allowed to like ourselves and be funny? Like, can we give ourselves permission to be able to be incredibly self-critical, self-deprecating?

[00:26:25]

Yes, I think we can, yes. Because we've been on the other side. So we know. And it's it's right there if we want to go back to it. What if we were just of ourselves, the way other people view us? Like, that's that's that's kind of my thing with you is just like you don't get to weigh in on yourself.

[00:26:39]

You just outsource your self-esteem and worth to, like, make yourself the way I see you and you'll be good.

[00:26:48]

Yeah. Or the way everybody else sees you. Well, it's tough. I mean, I should I should I guess we can't weigh in on ourselves because we know too much about the grossest shit we've done in the past.

[00:26:57]

Yeah.

[00:26:57]

You know, and and you're you're absolutely right. There are select friends that I do reach out to when I need a boost of self-esteem to like, see myself clearly because I know that I trust their judgment. They have good taste in people and art. And so, like, when they tell me I'm funnier, when they tell me I'm beautiful, which the latter I like struggle with, because there will be a time where I'm not like I don't like if I get old enough, hopefully no one wants to fuck me.

[00:27:24]

I don't want to be bookable and very vulnerable and old and like brittle. You're supposed to be Groser when you get older. So like, men don't want to rape you all the time because they could. Because you're a weak children and old people not fuck at all because they're weak. That's my theory. Right. So I'm not saying older women aren't fungible, but you lose that it is a diet. You are a dying battery of fuck ability, I do believe, which is OK.

[00:27:49]

I have to be OK with that. And I am getting better with it because when I was on the way over here, I'm like posted this beautiful picture of me, which is like filter full hair and makeup, like the best and the best I could best I can do. Frankly, my pick, which I don't like, I don't like that we get to look the best we can. Look, I like to like have an extra gear.

[00:28:08]

I'm like, well, I don't really know. But I do think in my back pocket, you know, this is it. No, I said we've peaked. So like, you just look at me and you're like, there's nothing else that can be done and it's great. And then people pile. I mean, the comments, fire, fire, fire emoji, stunning, bringing the look like all like it. It felt like this isn't me.

[00:28:28]

And finally I'm getting all the things that I've ever wanted people to say to me and like, be overwhelming about like my my dancing partner on Dancing with the Stars is like giving me, like, fire emojis. And I'm just like, that's all I've ever wanted from you club. And it's like, but that is not me. That is not. And it just feels. So what is it?

[00:28:46]

Is it like an imposter syndrome or is it like one too many. A million. Not enough. I got the thing I wanted and that's not working. It's that what I have a mask on right now. I'm dressed up in this outfit. I should be wearing masks, but I know I don't have the photo. I don't have a mask. Not which has the I'm there's six layers there, but not one of them is a cute tie cotton facial mask.

[00:29:12]

But I just feel like I was just my friend Romera. I was just like, this makes me depressed because I'm getting all the things I want, but I don't that's not me. And if that's what people want and are going to give approval to, I can't keep that up.

[00:29:26]

It's exhaustingly I've kept this is it sustainable? This is a ephemeral it's I have it it's called Anna Donia, which is when you can enjoy the moment because you're grieving. The moment is going to be over soon, which is a big like for me. I don't like going on fancy trips or going to fancy places. Have to say goodbye. As soon as I go see like a beautiful sunset I start to panic. So I'm like, this will be over soon.

[00:29:47]

This will be over soon. Like you're not doing a good enough job enjoying this. Like you need to be in the moment. You need to take a picture. Like, I completely suffocate myself with these, like, perfectionist expectations of how I need to be enjoying that moment and how I need to be receiving. I can't stand when people give me gifts. I don't because I'm like, I'm not going to receive this well enough. I I'm going to I love this, but I feel like you're going to think I'm lying because if I always feel phony, you give me a goddamn gift bag that I'm so excited about and I like I got stressed out.

[00:30:16]

I was just like, I want to look at everything in here and I want to thank you for everything in there. But is it the time is now? Is it should I do it later? I gave it to you. Just walked away. You really didn't. I didn't want to put pressure on you because I was like, oh, God, so excited about this bag and I can't wait to dig into it. But I was like, is that weird to do now?

[00:30:33]

Or like, thank you so much, by the way. I love giving love and attention. It is so interesting when you gravitate towards a job where you're saying, I'm going to talk for an hour, you're all going to shut up to receive.

[00:30:46]

And if you speak, you will be removed by security. I know I must have some confidence somewhere, but then as soon as this. Involuntary slap of laughter from you guys is gone, I get very lost. You know, it's like a wisdom program is I'm a piece of shit in the center of the universe.

[00:31:04]

Yes. That laughter like I have gotten so bad is like I can't even let the laughter died down like I talk. It's one of my flaws as a comic. When I watch myself, I'm like, just let the left, let them laugh. Do you need to, like, pile on?

[00:31:19]

But I'm so scared I before you think I'm not funny, but here's me being funny again and it's like just take a fucking breath.

[00:31:29]

You know. Let me know. If you're listening to this, you've been hearing me talking to Nikki Glaser, we're talking about health, which we're talking about how good we both look. And I fully attribute if I look healthy at all to taking ritual vitamins and I'm not joking, even though that was an incredibly good Segway, it really was a good Segway.

[00:31:50]

But it's also true. It is true. Your true Segway, you take them like their candy ritual is this incredible vitamin that has everything that you need and it comes to your door.

[00:32:04]

You've heard me talk about it. I'm paraphrasing, but that was close. I actually buy this product, so I'm not reading the copy. You know me, I like to wing it.

[00:32:13]

Ritual is the obsessively researched vitamin for women rituals essential.

[00:32:18]

And you're both those things. A woman and obsessive as an obsessive woman. This is the right wing thing for me. Should take. If a Virgo takes this pill, you should too.

[00:32:29]

You know, we've researched it. They have the nutrients most of us don't get enough of from food, all in their clean, absorbable forms. No shady additives, no ingredients that can do more harm to your body than good. Too easy to take capsules, provide nine nutrients. You need to support a strong foundation for your health and what is more important than your health right now.

[00:32:50]

The best thing is they have this this capsule that is you don't get sick. You can take it on an empty stomach. You don't get nauseous and there's a little mint tab and every bottle to keep it fresh.

[00:32:59]

So you don't get that fishy aftertaste with the other omega three pills where it's all gross sugar free, non GMO gluten free allergen free and all of their ingredients are right there on the bottle. No shady, sketchy secret ingredients ritual also is delivered because if you know anything about me, you know that I cannot keep track of anything and also can't leave your house.

[00:33:25]

Also, there's that ritual delivers to your door. The worst is when you get on a new sort of regimen of like taking care of yourself, like you're taking a new vitamin and then you, like, run out and then you want to give up.

[00:33:38]

You think I'm gonna go to the store? Yeah.

[00:33:39]

You're like, how's my health isn't worth getting in my car and driving five minutes, but just having it delivered to your door, you don't have to think about it because self care, it's hard for me to take care of myself unless it just shows up at my door. I'm like, God's here.

[00:33:50]

I'll take it, you know, that's why I mean, anything to show up at your door, you take it.

[00:33:54]

Yeah, I just I just I'll I'll take a vitamin as long as I don't have to like, think about having to take a bite. They just make it very easy for you to do better. Health does not happen overnight. Right now, ritual is offering my listeners ten percent off during your first three months, fill in the gaps in your diet with essential for women, a small step that helps support a healthy foundation for that body.

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That's 10 percent off during your first three months at ritual dot com slash Whitney.

[00:34:30]

And we made it Mon's not even reading the copy.

[00:34:37]

You want to tell us every time.

[00:34:38]

I'm just I just want you guys to know. I listen to podcast. I've been listening to your podcast and I'm hearing a lot of hucksters.

[00:34:45]

That's our next March. I'm not reading the copy. I don't read the copy.

[00:34:48]

I listen to these people just like zombies drudging through the copy, pretending they use a product that's sponsoring their podcast, not us.

[00:34:57]

We should you know, we we love the Dude Mondays. This is my favorite pair of underwear. If you're listening and not watching, I'm holding up a thong that is maroon with a little purple band and it is so comfortable. And if you're watching my underwear, you're watching and not listening to weird.

[00:35:14]

And it's these are the softest underwear. I don't know what I'm supposed to be reading about. OK, now look, man, this is serious about softness, like so serious. They scoured the world for the softest fabric known to man.

[00:35:25]

It really is my favorite underwear.

[00:35:28]

It's almost like velvet, remember. Crushed velvet. Yeah. Feels like. Do you remember what it feels like.

[00:35:33]

You know what it feels like. It feels like a Dallas squinch. What does it feel like. Feels like this voice to me, those voices. And you know, it feels like it just I've never felt anything in my whole life like it, sir. I just. Oh, it just feels so warm and cozy and nice, really. And I hope you can have like. What is that. What were you transported back and how are you doing.

[00:35:58]

Oh God. I don't know Momma. It's and you were there and you you were there too.

[00:36:04]

It's just like it almost feels like yummy salt water, like, you know, when you feel what you know, when you're like in a salt water pool and it's like cream.

[00:36:15]

It's like wearing no water.

[00:36:17]

Bad guys. It's crazy.

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You know, the thing these underwear are really soft stuff, but we're going to lose the sponsor. They're the most comfortable underwear. They really are. Long before I was part of this, I was subscribed to the. And saw them forever. I mean, they're great waiting to subscribe to them, but get them every month when you run around, it doesn't they don't move. Or biggest problem for me with underwear is you sweat and move. And no one, over time, the elasticity breaks and it'll just start being baggy and you'll get like a wedgie.

[00:36:49]

These do not do that. And when you work out, it doesn't they don't move around when you watch when they go right back to their original shape.

[00:36:55]

Oh, really? I'm so much I'm rubbing my face. You can look like you just go online. You can sign up for the membership. They get sent right to your door like everything else. Oh, you get you get once a month, right? Yep.

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You can pick if you want fun pair if you want the classic llamas on them. They have all kinds of stuff. And right now Mandi's is a great offer offer for the listeners. For any first time purchaser you get 15 percent off and free, 15 percent off. That's crazy. Yeah, this is a no brainer, especially because they have 100 percent satisfaction guaranteed to get your 50 percent off your first pair free shipping and 100 percent satisfaction guaranteed. Go to me, Ondes Dotcom slash Whitney.

[00:37:30]

That's Mandi's dot com slash Whitney. Can I say something to you, this might not go well. I cannot wait. This is so exciting. Every time you've dropped like one of these so far, I've been, like, so flattered. So this could go on to say I disagree. I feel like when I see you and maybe you just feel that I know what it's like to feel like you're rushing when you're not. Yeah. When I see you, I'm like, she's so composed and she's moving so elegant.

[00:38:00]

And I don't feel whatever you're doing, just keep doing OK. If it's uncomfortable for you, then then fine. Yeah. You're not supposed to have fun. It's not for you. You're so right. I love more like our job is hard. Yeah. No shit. Like, you know, like whatever you're doing I think is working and never feels rushed to me. Well that means a lot to me. I'm always like, look at her taking her time and like using her silence and being really powerful.

[00:38:26]

And because that's what I see. God, it's just again, I'll just trust you. I'll just trust you.

[00:38:30]

It's really interesting how, you know, I think that we I'm going to namedrop real quick. You know, I'm not a famous person once told me that because the person that it is going to invalidate what I'm going to say is actually a really smart thing said by a really annoying person, which is that you got value out of the word is that you freeze at the time you become successful, like you freeze, like your habits, your thoughts about yourself, like your hairstyle, your outlook.

[00:38:59]

You're like this subconsciously.

[00:39:00]

Your brain is like this worked, you know. Yes. And you're well, that's a lot of people peak in high school and then, like, dress like they're in high school, like whenever you peaked and felt like the first surge of love. Yes. Yes. Totally subconsciously, your hippocampus is like this is what works. Just keep doing this thing.

[00:39:16]

And interviewed Paris Hilton. So it works so well, yes, yeah, it works, keep it up and like that, and she still does that. But like I watch certainly I was watching her documentary and she's just following her life around them. Like, I relate to this so much because I am stuck at, like, around 15 real. Are you stuck in it? Well, it's not when I became successful or anything, but like, I just feel like I'm still, you know, I'm holding on to so much is before I mean, really before I had an eating disorder, I feel like life was so free and that was before depression before.

[00:39:53]

And I don't know if I was eating disorder before puberty. I am holding on to being like not a kid but a preteen because I was later than all my friends that, like, I didn't get my period till was like 16.

[00:40:04]

So that's just time before that. You know what, I no worries. I didn't care about boys and care about my body. I didn't care about like I would eat or I wouldn't like the male attention.

[00:40:15]

Saying yes is fucking exhausting. And it's interesting because I was thinking about you coming on today and I was like, you know, naturally we're going to talk about relationships. I'm sure that's going to come up. We both do that.

[00:40:27]

You're so sort of just unbridled in that area. And I'm a little more trepidation when I talk about guy or what.

[00:40:37]

I mean, there's so many things I want to know.

[00:40:40]

I mean, I think that's I think that's good to be to hold something back, to be a little bit private about.

[00:40:48]

Yeah, I'm not super private about like when I'm dating. So I think for me I'm like because I've also I'm openly identified as a love addict, like I've been in programs like I've taken years off from dating. I took 12 months off from dating and sex. It changed my life. I just did that. But not on purpose.

[00:41:05]

Yeah, not intentionally. I'm at thirteen months now, but not God.

[00:41:11]

I should have started to going to a program before that. I would have like some exes. I'd love to be dating Chout. Yeah. Yeah. I mean that sense if you want to go on a date with Nikki you can do that on her. I'd be like yeah but no but I haven't been intimate with anyone. Right. Like I haven't had sex in thirteen months.

[00:41:28]

I do find that I and this is going to sound weird and I have this very cellular fear of not being relatable. It's a very cellular fear of being misunderstood. Yeah. A very deep fear of being embarrassed. So I'm trepidations about saying this.

[00:41:48]

Gosh, what I, I mean you don't seem like someone who's scared to be embarrassed, not because you but because you're just you're just so like you just put it all out there.

[00:41:58]

I feel like I watched you and I'm like, oh my God, she looks so good being just herself a very controlled, curated Instagram.

[00:42:07]

That's what I'm understanding right now. That's like twenty seconds a day. You'll see, like, the times where you're like, I'm I'm like, it's a it's still we did kick some things out of free that would indicate wipe the tears away as yet.

[00:42:25]

But Instagram. Yeah. OK, so OK. What are you going to say. Because I was literally Shinsei like I you know, like I was like, OK, I'm going to ask her if she's dating someone, what's going on in quarantine. She's going to ask me if I'm dating someone. I was like, you know what?

[00:42:36]

I'm at the point where I really am not seeking being in a relationship because I am so fucking sick of thinking about guys.

[00:42:48]

And I'm not anti man I fucking love man. Some of my best friends are men. I live with two men that I'm not even sleeping with kid because I want to be around men all the fucking time, you know, you know.

[00:43:01]

But I'm sick of real estate in my head being like it.

[00:43:05]

What about this. What about this. And suck in your stomach. And did he text back like I'm just I have lost. It'll make me cry if I really think about it now. I'm out of time.

[00:43:12]

I have fucking lost trying to get the approval of men. I mean even just in the grocery store the other day I was we're fucking mask and this guy went by and my my shoulders instinctively went up and I'm like, I'm in. I'm like, this is fucking crazy. Yeah. So hard wired.

[00:43:28]

And I grew up with the mom who it was, you know, all about men and all about your parents and all about your hair being perfect in your makeup, being perfect in your push up bra and like the Spanx and the fucking panty hose with the shorts built in that it was I need to lose five pounds. I was all I saw growing up was just you live your life for male attention and I just need a break. Yes. I mean, the amount of time like when you say that even the amount of time I've had to listen to my friends talking about worthless guys and like, did he text like the worthless conversations where we could have been getting to know each other and talking about something that we learned that day or a book?

[00:44:10]

We're like just and just dealing with like the texting and the guys in the second guessing everything. They really don't do it at much anymore. I like getting older because I'm just like, this is a joke, I, I do. I can do better. I deserve better. Not fair to them either. No, they don't want us talking about them all day. No, they don't want to spending all that fucking energy on them. It sets them up for resentments and.

[00:44:35]

Right. Because codependents breeds resentments that they don't deserve. They don't want us fucking sitting around overthinking everything. They do talk about them so much more than they think because I don't know about you, but my male friends are like when they hang out with me, my girlfriends are like, you guys talk about boys, guys.

[00:44:49]

So it's like, yeah, it's our sports. It's and it made me so sad. I mean, right before all the shutdown happened, I was getting to the point with a couple of friends where I was just like, I can't do it anymore because it's just talking about how to look hotter. Every every conversation is about our looks and what we're doing with our skin diet. And I was just like I was having to like kind of question some of my friendships.

[00:45:13]

Like, I don't I almost I actually did make a rule with several of my friends that, like we don't say you look cute or you your skin looks good or whatever.

[00:45:22]

Yeah. And we're compliments, physical compliments. I don't want them because when I don't get them, then I'm like, oh, no, going on. So I took it out. I went for about a year with my best friend and she was a big, huge complainer, no compliments. And it was so great because some days I would be like, she hasn't said anything. And then I go, Oh, she's not allowed to OK, but I look great.

[00:45:40]

That's such an interesting experiment because it's also for her, I would imagine.

[00:45:46]

You know, I grew up in an environment with a lot of sensitive women. Women just in general scare me. I feel like I'm always hurting their feelings. I feel like I'm always going to disappoint them. I feel like they're always going to get mad at me. And I walk on eggshells around women and I think that I'm going to make them cry if I need something. I think that my needs are exhausting to them. I assume everyone is a malignant narcissist who needs a bunch of compliments.

[00:46:09]

And I know that when I meet a woman and instantly start being unctuous and complimenting, there's something else. I'm recreating my childhood circumstances in some way. Yeah, it must be so interesting to me.

[00:46:21]

I love it like I tried to do with thirty days.

[00:46:23]

No apologizing. Oh, how far do you. You don't have to succeed at it just. Yeah. It just shames you. Oh I and then I was doing it. You have to do ten push ups every time you apologize. And I was so strong. Yeah. Because I just realized that I just am in a constant my default is just apology. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[00:46:42]

Asking someone for something. I'm so sorry I texted you. I'm sorry.

[00:46:46]

Like an afternoon. As soon as I texted I was like, why am I saying sorry. Yes. I was like, I'm sorry I'm running late or whatever it was. But like, it was just unnecessary. It was just the it was almost the predictive text of what I open up. It's like I don't even have to type in.

[00:47:00]

I it just like already know what I'm going to write to another one. I just know I'm so sorry what I like a million things that I haven't even done yet. I feel like we just handled that in a very adult way. Yes. I feel like we were just very clear with each other.

[00:47:17]

You said HNIC, you were great because you go, do we both want to do this or do are we being codependent? And I like that.

[00:47:25]

I was like, oh my God, let me really think about this right now. Like, do I want to do it?

[00:47:29]

What's their motive? But I was like, yes, I know I'll have the energy for it. I haven't done so many. Like if this were another like if this were just like my normal life probably would do two in a day because I do it every day. But I've worked in for months like yeah, yeah. Let's see, there we go. Because I also think it's like looking at our motors. Am I doing this because I'm afraid this person's not going to like me?

[00:47:49]

Am I going to do this because I feel pressure? Am I to do this because I feel obligation? And last night I went into this. I had this little pit. My stomach was like, are you putting are you obligating? Are you throwing a pressure at her? Like, are you guilty her?

[00:47:59]

Not at all. You were the gentlest, but asking someone to do something, it brings up so much like doing a podcast. The hardest thing I did, the hardest thing about doing a podcast is asking people to be on it because it's like we became comics is like I don't need fucking anybody. I don't need ever ask anyone for help. It's just I'm on my own. I completely agree.

[00:48:17]

I almost when you said that was like, what? Everyone wants to do this, but people said that to me, like because I say the same thing, like I don't want to ask them to be part because I want to ask them to be on my radio show. I just thank them profusely today with my gosh, I'm like, thank you so much. This is just like I like it to be. They could say yes or no. You don't need to, like, act like being here.

[00:48:38]

It's so hard to not act as if your presence isn't enough for the other person or it's patronising to assume that they would do something that they didn't want to do. I know you're diagnosing them with codependents. Yes, I said yes because I would say no if I didn't want to. Yeah, I'm an adult, but but we don't do that.

[00:48:55]

So we don't think that anyone else has the capability of doing that. But we are starting to think about me. Yes, yes. OK, really quick, because I'm just thinking about if I was watching this, what I would want to know based on what you just read. And it's just what I want to know. What how do you see yourself like what do you see? Like, can we get into like what are your insecurities? Is that like too much?

[00:49:18]

I'm fascinated because I don't know what you would come up with, but I could tell you my character defect. OK, I get into a couple, I just give me something that I love it. I love morning people. So I thought I should like to do here today, but I think people need to be watching. I mean, I know people who are fans of yours know your affections and you put that out there. But like sometimes I mean, I project a lot onto you and I just want to know how interesting what is.

[00:49:48]

I want to know, OK?

[00:49:49]

And before and then before, I just wanna make sure we don't forget, because I do want you to talk through your process of doing Kemel, because when I was peeing, you were telling it to me and it was super interesting. And I think most people think all of us are super confident all the time, you know, and together, my insecurities, you know, aging is a big one for me. I did freeze my eggs when I was thirty three and that I felt a tangible exhale.

[00:50:15]

I felt a tangible sort of addition of space in my lungs. I didn't realize how much fear I was carrying around about basically not being able to have kids or not knowing I still am like I think I'm going to have kids like I feel like I know I'm going to. But, you know, biology, sexist and by some weird little miracle, I had the sort of sort of tenacious kind of pull to freeze my eggs when I was thirty three.

[00:50:47]

And I kind of only I did it in a sort of mercenary way. I was sort of like at least I get some jokes out of it.

[00:50:53]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is why any comedian does anything. Yeah. That's a big procedure with a lot of like so they were like are you going to take four months. And I was like if I get some jokes out of it. Yeah. Like everyone's getting baby jokes. I don't have baby jokes, I'll have egg freezing. Anything traumatic or anything like you do like that. As long as you can talk about, like I just go get myself into something else.

[00:51:13]

That's the only thing that motivates me oftentimes to do anything, frankly, to leave the house, frankly. Yeah. To go on dates, to talk to strangers. I need to get some kind of fodder. Right. So I did that. I am, you know, my dysmorphia, my body dysmorphia. That shit is really intense. My fear around it actually is that I'm going to continue to waste time thinking about what I eat or my body.

[00:51:41]

I read the tools. Phil Stutts book. Yes, some of it is like kind of not as advanced as the people listening to this podcast and you, but there is that deathbed exercise where you envision yourself.

[00:51:53]

I only read the first tool and then I was like, oh, I get it. That's what I do with does. I think it was a reversal of desire. I was very it was running into fear. It really helped me edit. My guys are so scared to look at myself as editing my special. I couldn't get it done in Netflix was like, we're just going to do it ourselves. I guess you wouldn't look at the cut. I couldn't look at the footage.

[00:52:13]

I couldn't look at myself. I just it was paralyzed. And then I read that chapter about, like, go into the fear and like, fear sets me free. I love fear. And I was just playing on the street like I love, fear, fear, fear. And I like and then I went home and I fucking got it done. It really helped. So, yeah, that is an amazing one. And because fear, if you say out loud that you're scared, the fear dissipates instantly.

[00:52:36]

It's the amygdala stops reducing cortisol, which is part of I mean, I had to like start I couldn't even work this through with therapists and stuff. I had to go to horses. I had to go to like animals that did totally nonverbal because humans are already so triggering to me. And my instinct is to manipulate them and impress them and lie to them. So I couldn't even therapists, I would just manipulate them.

[00:52:55]

I had a therapist who looked like a horse and she I was terrible, but that was soothing about her. And now that I think about it.

[00:53:03]

But yeah, my Trigorin you with my horse sweater. I know.

[00:53:10]

Yeah but that's a use of horses really did help you. Horses. Oh game changer. Because horses, because they're prey animals they respond basically to your energy and any kind of desperation, results oriented thinking, needing something from them. They interpret all that is fear because they don't know Instagram or trophy's or specials or agents or managers. They don't care about that shit. So when you approach a horse and you need something from them, I need to like me.

[00:53:35]

I need to be able to let me it. I needed to be able let me take a selfie. They interpret all that as fear. They get disgusted by it and they just move away from you because they're prey animals. Fear means there's a mountain lion close by being this. This person's not a leader. This person isn't in charge. You're not my leader and they move away from you.

[00:53:50]

And so it's a great way because you can say everything's fine when you're terrified. We can lie, right? Horses.

[00:53:57]

You can't let horses. Yeah. So it's the only way that I was able to dismantle and be honest with myself about my fears. But part of the reason 12 step programs work so well is you go in a room and you say, I'm scared, I'm insecure, I want to do this awful thing in front of a bunch of people. And as soon as you say it out loud, it's amazing. It dissipates. Oh, my God. Right.

[00:54:15]

But our instinct when we have fear is to. Be quiet and shut it down, but actually saying it out loud and I mean 12 step stuff and going to those kind of things and just talking so openly. Do you ever in your experience in those? Because I have felt like, oh, this is like I've been doing this with stand up like this was I was trying to do this all along, like Cher, what's going on in here?

[00:54:41]

And I just had no place to do it and no one would listen. So I just created my own 12 step meeting with no rules or guidelines. But like now I'm able to channel that in that place. That's what I was trying to do all along, was just like give a Cher. Never thought about it that way because it's not funny when I talk in those things. And I but it it's it just works. I just want people to know that that stuff's out there because, God damn it, it's such a miracle.

[00:55:11]

It's free medicine. But that's so interesting. You said that. And also, I remember when I first went into program to 12 step meetings, my instinct was to make jokes. I would spend the whole meeting, writing my share in my head because I'd want to kill in the meeting. And then if you try to be funny and a code of meeting or an out I'm meeting, everyone's just like, oh, she's new.

[00:55:32]

Yeah. Hey, Benson. Yeah, is there something interfering with your happiness or is preventing you from achieving your goals?

[00:55:42]

I can't say and and remain on the show I'm getting no, I'm very happy, but I know some people will say, well, yeah, and I was just talking to about this with Nikki Glaser on this podcast, just about how crucial it is to talk to somebody, even if it's, you know, like even if you can't leave your house and go to an actual therapist, just the act of talking to someone, the way it releases shame and the way to get feedback from someone else is just crucial right now.

[00:56:13]

Don't say it out loud. It's always healing, but it's nice to say it to an actual pro. Don't say it to your friends that are a mess. You know my rule. I don't take advice about relationships from single people.

[00:56:23]

I also don't talk to people that aren't licensed therapists about my problems. But I also don't leave my house. But thank God for better health.

[00:56:32]

Better help is licensed therapy online. You can start communicating in under forty eight hours. The worst is when you're going through something rough and by the time you book a therapist, it's two weeks later. Like I'm not even I don't even remember it. I was upset about I need to talk to someone then.

[00:56:47]

Yeah, but you waited too long. You bought it up and now you're. Look at you now. Now look at you. Now you're a mess.

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Huh? Crazy time.

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[00:58:04]

Now, I don't know if you guys have noticed, but I've giant teeth and in your head. Good. They fit my head.

[00:58:12]

Good. Thank you. Thank you so much. And it's hard to keep my teeth clean because it's just a lot of surface area, frankly, to cover. I started using an electric toothbrush like five years ago and then I started getting annoyed. The electric toothbrush, because you always had to like I kept losing the top. I didn't know how to charge it, but there's a new one called Quip. I'm holding it. For those of you listening, listen to that.

[00:58:39]

Can you hear it? Oh, you probably can't even hear it.

[00:58:41]

It's so quiet. Quiet it is. You brush your teeth at night.

[00:58:43]

Can you hear that? It's me brushing my teeth with a quip. Oh, yeah, yeah, they just make it easy because they deliver all of the oral care essentials you need to brush and floss better. You know, I would like text you like two in the morning. I think I need an electric toothbrush top and then it takes two months to come and then you have five cavities.

[00:59:05]

The quip electric, which literally happened to you. It truly is.

[00:59:10]

That didn't, did it? God, I thought you were exaggerating. And then I realized that at the peak pendant I had a cavity. Oh, my gosh. In the pandemic quip, electronic toothbrush has timed sonic vibrations with 30 second pulses to guide a dentist recommended two minute routine and there's even a size down version designed for kids.

[00:59:29]

So basically every 30 seconds you move so that you don't. Because my thing is the reason I got two cavities. I just brush like my front teeth, the back ones. I won't do as long. Like, I actually need that time times you.

[00:59:41]

So it tells you you're good on the spot you move before you know what I mean, because I'll start getting sloppy towards the.

[00:59:46]

Also super easy to travel with and very chic. I know it's very chic isn't it. It's so it's like a very futuristic sexy as I say, that it looks too cool for me.

[00:59:57]

I know I don't own anything as cool as equiped toothbrush. And did you say that it can stick on him.

[01:00:01]

Yeah, it's a little back piece peels off. You stick it to a wall or a mirror. So if you brush your teeth in the shower like me, like monsters, OK, what kind of monster brushes their teeth in the shower?

[01:00:09]

I'm going to somewhere to be. That's the saddest thing. Kind of know this is a watch. Just brush their teeth.

[01:00:17]

And so you're just brushing your teeth naked. Wet since is the water. Yes I am, yeah.

[01:00:23]

I think the toothbrush washed my body with it too. How about that.

[01:00:26]

A quick brush, the toothbrush, the floss, the quick brush had there automatically delivered on a dentist recommended schedule every three months for just five dollars each. This is genius. A friendly reminder of when it's time to refresh and stay committed to your oral health. See, I will brush my teeth down to the bone if I didn't use quip because they sent it to you and like, oh, I need to change it.

[01:00:49]

Yeah, you know, it's time. And also the shipping is free. Three million happy customers that join them practice good oral care easily and affordably with quip starting at twenty five dollars, especially since you're probably wearing a mask and you finally had to smell your own breath if you go to get quipped Whitney right now, you'll get your first refill free.

[01:01:11]

That's your first refill free at get qip dot com Whitney spelled get q you I p dot com slash Whitney. When you get your clip tag me so I can see you and your sexy quip.

[01:01:26]

Quip the good habits company. What a team. Oh, yeah, it's just it's awkward when my instinct goes that way and I've had that in therapy to where I want my therapist to think I'm funny or like, you know, it's just such a coping mechanism. I remember one day I said to my therapist, you know, I'm always like, I'm an idiot and I'm stupid. And she she's always like, why do you talk about yourself that way?

[01:01:49]

You know? And she's always saying the way you talk about yourself, if someone else spoke to you that way, like you would call the police, you know, and like yourself, talk to your your inner monologue, your inner critic. And one time I was like, oh, God, I'm such an idiot. I shouldn't have texted him back. And then she was like, why do you do that?

[01:02:03]

And I was like, oh, no, I'm a comedian. We like self-deprecating. Like, it's funny. And she went, Not that funny.

[01:02:12]

Oh, no. Like your Bomaderry you like you can tell me. It's like we're going to do, but don't tell me it's not like that sock's it's not it's not funny.

[01:02:24]

Self-deprecating. It's not funny. It's not endearing. It's not charming. It actually puts pressure on the other person to then like compliment you or take care of you.

[01:02:33]

Oh, my God.

[01:02:35]

It feels like pressure. It's Uki. I wrote this thing for Kimmel where like I am, I'm speed dating on the second I'm meeting different guys. And then at the end, Marc Paul Glassell are like my my childhood crush comes on. And I wrote the sketch that he he thinks it's a make a wish and I'm like, we're on a date.

[01:02:55]

And so he's like, oh my God, hi, good to see you. And I wrote out this whole thing that didn't make it, but it's like him being like, oh, I was under the impression like I was granting a wish for like a sick woman. And I'm like, OK, that's he's like, that's what the producer said. And I was like, what else do they say? And they're like, oh, she's like she lives in an old folks home.

[01:03:12]

And I'm like, well, I live with my folks and they're old, but it's like not an old folks home. And he's like, oh yeah, her situation's hopeless. She's probably going to die alone. And I wrote all these things and then we did it and I felt so fucking depressed afterwards, even though I wrote it, I was control. I was in control of this whole narrative that I'm unlovable. I'm going to die alone more.

[01:03:30]

Paul Goslar would never even like someone like that, would never even think of dating me like that's what the story I have in my head. And then I'm like and all the writers, like, feel the same way because they thought it was funny and signed on to it. And like, they didn't write that. You did. You did. And I was like, I, I got to start looking at the stuff that I say about myself in stand up and change that, because it's just it's hurting me.

[01:03:56]

And I don't know what you believe. My stage of my comedy, I like, um, cyberbullying myself sometimes because.

[01:04:04]

But then when other people talk about us like that, these fucking comments, these trolls, it's like none of this is as mean as what you said to yourself this morning in the mirror to beat them to it on you try to beat them to it because, you know, people are like today I post a picture in my hand was Vaine.

[01:04:20]

So I was like, I know my hands. And people are like, why are you putting their hand? Is Veniam like? Because I don't want guys to be like you're like, you know, there will be someone that points up, but I get ahead of things that no one would even see.

[01:04:31]

But why do you care? And it's selfish.

[01:04:34]

And both teams looking that much like no one cares about the way know it's looking that no guy ever was about to fuck you. He was like vaine has never mind what makes him feel bad about it. They're like, oh, that's your vagina. There's more vagina. This is great stuff. It's like everything kind of vibe. But I do remember someone said to me that comedy, some like famous comedian that I'm plagiarizing. And if you guys know how to tell me who said the comedy is, we get we do stand up to control how we're embarrassed.

[01:05:07]

So it's our idea, right? Embarrassment is our biggest fear. And we're just going to control how you make fun of us. Yeah. You know, like I'm in charge about roasts, though. Like that you're in control and then you're fucking up there.

[01:05:20]

You're like, oh, boy. Yeah, no, I'm not.

[01:05:22]

And talk about people saying things about like roasts have devastated me. I've talked about before, but like they say things about me that I'm like I've only I haven't even put it out there because I wouldn't want someone to latch onto it and be able to call back to it because it's something I'm so insecure about, like looking like a man or look at like just being ugly, like having a decent body, but an ugly face like these deep fears I have for myself have been like expressed from celebrities on roasts.

[01:05:51]

And I know the writers in the room that really have to concentrate and really have to find something, which is, by the way, I'm not going to deny your reality.

[01:05:57]

I hear you.

[01:05:58]

I see you having written on the roasts, I know I would always say the biggest compliment to a woman is when they go after your appearance because they can't go after your career. Yeah, they can't go out. They can't say you're not funny. That's a good point. All you have to go. I remember being in those rooms and it was like, fuck.

[01:06:18]

I mean, it was like Sarah Silverman or something. Yeah, I remember I think it was the Franco roast. She was like, you know, I think she talked about it maybe on Kimmel's podcast or something. They called her. Oh yeah.

[01:06:26]

When she looks younger, frankly, than all of us. Yes, but. You know, you can't say she's not funny, you can't say she's not successful, you can't say she's not talented like fuck, I guess we say she's all she's 40. She looking for something? No, you're so right. It's a lack of other things to say. But it it it was like, oh, no, they see it. And like, did you get triggered by anything that was said about John Ross?

[01:06:50]

I was. So I feel like unconscious at the time I was blacked out.

[01:06:56]

I also, you know, this is a blessing and a curse, and I am trying to figure out what part of these maladies, adaptive behaviors and weapons, you know. Right. We talk about in this podcast, like the first thing I heard when I went to Allanson is someone said, I've good news and bad news. The good news is the war is over and the bad news is you lost, the war is over, you lost. We have all these sort of weapons.

[01:07:18]

We're still fighting this war that's been over for years. Right.

[01:07:21]

So I remember, like, you know, going into the roast and being incredibly numb. I was in writers rooms for a long time. Like like I don't mean to play the like. Being a woman in comedy is hard thing, but like in 15, 16 years ago, being in a writers room, the only woman writers room, it was like Dixon. I mean, it was dicks. And your face was on a fucking billboard, I wish, on a dart board.

[01:07:43]

And the throwing I did throwing darts at your face and they're calling your horn a cunt and you're not funny. I think I just, like, realized very early, like, you need to go numb. Like you can't feel anything. You can't see anything like like being in the Comedy Store those early days. Like I just went full Teflon and like just full now, like just like I didn't let anything in. So that was probably problematic.

[01:08:05]

But I really just like turned it all off. Yeah. And then I like randomly like eat cake in my car and cry. I'm sure that was had something to do with it. You turned me on to Froyo back in the day. You introduced me to one of those like. Yeah.

[01:08:22]

And then soon I think with the roasting I start to answer your question. I think and we've talked about this before on the podcast, is that like I'm now at a point where insults can't really hurt me unless I agree with them. So and I now know that when we the roast aside, because that is a very weird job. It's a very odd it's almost like a sport where you go out on a field for people to fuck and tackle you.

[01:08:42]

You know, it's like football. We're like someone wants to hurt me some. We are doing a job or someone is trying to humiliate me. Yes.

[01:08:49]

You know, I'm signing myself up for that, which is why I had to stop doing it for a while because I was just like, I'm training people how to treat me. I'm reaffirming a lot of things to think about myself.

[01:08:58]

I would go out in public and people like or I know people think you and I was like, it's like Tuesday at noon at the airport.

[01:09:06]

And I was just like, oh, of course you think you can talk to me like that because you've only seen me laugh that off. Yes. And it started corroding at my self-worth.

[01:09:14]

And, you know, but I am kind of in a place where I really do understand that when someone criticizes you, it's they are just hurting and it's anaesthetising for them. Yeah. That's what I do when I'm like, they're not that good. I'm like, oh, do you feel good about yourself? Do you need that Whitney single? I said, I had a disclaimer the other night when I was doing my speed dating on Instagram. I was like, I'm not reading your comments.

[01:09:37]

I put a little Post-it note on the comment so I can actually have a conversation without reading people's names. And I just was like, I want to call you out. If you were going to say anything critical, let's all agree right now that that you think that about yourself. It's it's like so you almost like made people feel like they couldn't. But because I just called it up, that's so any time I remember, the worst heckle I could ever get is from like a hot girl being like, you know, like that's the worst thing in my mind is like a hot girl thinking I'm too gross to, like, be friends with her.

[01:10:05]

Like, there's just let's let's unpack that. I mean, I just I don't know what it's like. I just feel like I put so much on. I just feel like I'm just innately like kind of dirty and like kind of gross. Like, it comes it stems from low self-esteem. Like, I don't I have a messy room. I've never had a like in high school. I didn't have an organized locker. My clothes were always like dirty, like I just feel like I don't take care of things.

[01:10:28]

I'm kind of like, you know, depression, like breeds like messiness that you become ashamed of. And but I'm not that person. I know that. But I but that's my biggest fear, is someone just being like, you're gross. And I'm like, oh, you're right. I am gross. I smell, I'm dirty, whatever. And so I remember one time a girl just going like it after a joke I did. And and the joke was gross.

[01:10:47]

It was like about it was gross and I was so mean to her, but I just felt so trigger. But it was about like having anal sex and like having an accident during it. It was pretty visceral. Yeah. It was one of the first times I was doing the joke. So I was just like, you know, when you just go to over the top and everyone's just like, but her, you just really stood out to me.

[01:11:07]

And I was like, it's because it's happened to you.

[01:11:10]

And it was like you've puked on someone like one hundred percent. She's done so. And she would not react that way if she had. And you could just tell she was like it definitely had, but like that's the only time you have a reaction that hard. It's because it it's something in you that you it's happening. And I love that. And I and I actually like you know, for me, I. Have so much Shane, I get triggered sometimes, like I like when I hear girls talking about sex and enjoying it, I realized that through watching a lot of your work or I'm like, oh, no.

[01:11:41]

Was I enjoying it? I mean, times were like, I like to have sex. I think I was like Conan. We were talking about like, have someone go down on you, it'll change your life.

[01:11:48]

I remember just being like, oh my God, I don't even relate to that. I that can I just say that I I'm so scared of sex that I am not the person that I was for these specials. I don't even know I even had sex in so long. I've only hooked up with two guys in a year one time each. And they were both like very unsatisfying experiences.

[01:12:08]

I'm so terrified of men and sex and I watch, I think about the stuff I've talked about and like, I don't relate to any of it. I'm back at square one, baby. Oh, fascinating.

[01:12:18]

Because I remember being like I really want to talk to her about how I hate the word unapologetic, even though I know we talked about that. But I hate when something like this girl's unapologetic. It's like, yeah, it's like this for 30 days trying it out. So, like, rare and like like she's so ambitious and unapologetic. Like, I was thinking I was like, she really seems to enjoy sex. And I know this is like a hot take, but I don't always enjoy sex.

[01:12:45]

And it's like a thing where I feel like I know I have to do it. A lot of it I realize it's like, oh, I just know I kind of have to do this and it's not like amazing, but sometimes it is.

[01:12:54]

But yeah, I think I had an orgasm. I was like twenty seven.

[01:12:58]

I didn't either. That's why I couldn't stop talking about it when I finally did. So I went on like a roll when I was having good sex in the beginning of a relationship that fueled all of that material, like it was like probably a year of good.

[01:13:11]

I'm like she just like knows how to fuck, like, you know how to tell a man what to do. No, I am like a got a younger guy that I was talking to recently was like, you could teach me a thing or two. And I was so stressed out by that I was like, maybe I could teach you how to do a five paragraph essay or like I don't have any skills in, but I'm terrible. I want everyone to know that I really am.

[01:13:35]

I want to lower the bar for myself so that I take back everything I said. I'm down to do some stuff and try some stuff. I'm not the guy that I have taken a lover and quarantine. Yeah, you all know about this. You Semenov my first time for a second. Oh my God. Yes. That's still going on. Yes. And I don't remember that. OK, I told him I was interviewing you and he was like, oh god.

[01:13:55]

Nikki Glaser. Yeah I watch your special and he thinks you're so funny. And I was like don't get any ideas.

[01:13:59]

Like I like jokey ideas about like sex. I remember thinking like, oh God. Like so sorry to blame being a female comic like you seen her. Oh no. I think I've done a disservice to women by acting like I have enjoyed sex and like I did for a very brief time, I don't know if I ever will again or really like I hope I do. But I really I think about when you just said I'm like when you just said that, like, I don't really, like, love sex, whatever you said, it was like, really I felt it in my core.

[01:14:31]

And I don't think I've ever been able to like, hear someone say that of like, oh, I must I'm not maybe I'm not that into it, but I when I've had it, I like it. I like like but I didn't come until I was like twenty six years. I had one when I was 21 and then couldn't, didn't know how to masturbate until much later, even when I learned I couldn't get myself an orgasm, had to literally be like tied up in for seven orgasms.

[01:14:55]

Like that's why I like watching bondage stuff because girls are forced to have orgasms because I will not let myself have that much pleasure. I have to have it forced on me and I can get there now because I work towards it, because I'm like, why are you like holding back on this? But I'm I've looked into it. I feel like almost I'm like sexually anorexic. Like, it's too much. I will I will overindulge and then I won't be able to stop.

[01:15:16]

And so I'm just like I'm on a diet from that. And, you know, I have a book for you.

[01:15:20]

It's called Cupid's Poison Arrow. Oh, wait, I know.

[01:15:23]

But tonight, I told you on your show, the one that you turned me on to getting to. I do. And then you said Cupid's poison arrow. I talked about it so much, I only read a third of it. And I was like, I'm never jerking off again. Do you are you still following it? I still I mean, I do do that like I on trick, like the I don't control or whatever.

[01:15:44]

So I know some people that do. But this is basically about you guys know, I'm a big neuroscience dork and the chemicals that we emit when we have orgasms like really do make us high, makes us addictive, make us crave, make us crash, make us obsessive. If you don't have this, congratulations, you're a normy. Our dopamine receptors like are really not wired to just like have orgasms every day. It's like doing a whip. It it's like the you're getting high, it's it's craving and then you're getting obsessive.

[01:16:16]

And also just the read the book again, Cupid's Poison Arrow. What happens after you have an orgasm is very different in men and women. Men are wired. They produce prolactin, I believe is how it's pronounced. And they. We're wired to be like probably thinking, thinking, thinking, wondering, wondering, wondering, planning, planning, planning it, just like it amps me up. I get very wired and then I get very addicted. And when I start sleeping with someone, especially the sex is good, I then when I spend time with them afterwards, I'm just like, why aren't they trying to fuck me.

[01:16:46]

Why are they. It's just like this constant like why don't we fuck, why don't we just have sex my size now why don't we have sex. And then I'm like, can I. What am I wearing. I need to put it like it's just like I get sparks. This obsession that wasn't there before the session. And it's honestly I turned so many of my friends onto that book and a lot of them were who were having regular sex and coming all the time.

[01:17:06]

I really couldn't even apply to my life because I don't really just I just don't come along. Yeah. It's not my first stress reliever thing to go to, but my friends that applied it, like, saw immediate results of, like, my as I did masturbate for like two weeks and as soon as I did three days later went on a shopping bender, all the things they talked about, like the depression, the obsessive thoughts that come after it, and then then when they come, this was the thing in the book that freaked me out.

[01:17:32]

When they come, they their body tells them to go fuck something else really soon because all the women in the village that our brains are wired to, like we're like cavemen, we're all ovulating at the same time. He would fuck a girl. He fucking my girl again is a worthless thing. You can't get something pregnant twice. Yes. So they're literally repelled by you after they come to go fuck someone else in another TV. I couldn't believe that, but it makes so much sense.

[01:18:00]

Does make some new pussy. They want it afterwards and they can't even help that they want it. We can't even blame them. That's what biologically they're wired to want.

[01:18:07]

And then that basically how ten months in that's when we write we stop being as attractive because that means the babies born in the first year like it's all it all makes a lot of sense math wise and neurology wise, like how men's dicks are shaped to scoop out the come of why it's so crazy.

[01:18:32]

So do you, like, abstain? Try to like I don't know, I'm kind of just at a place and maybe it's in my recovery. And like, I just I have so much such a strong outreach game and such a strong like I think self-control is kind of my new addiction. Like I've sort of, you know, it's all whack a mole. Right. And to me, the pride I feel when I don't obsess about somebody is is to me more orgasmic than anything else.

[01:19:03]

Like that's kind of my high now, right. Cooperation and productivity makes dopamine. So those me living in those rigid lines is is sort of my high. But, you know, I also have been doing almost five years of trying to change my attachment strategy of like my attachment style like this. You can change that.

[01:19:22]

I didn't get to that part of that. But it takes a really long time. I just found out where mine was and I was like, I guess I am. I'm going to put it out. But it's different with each different person.

[01:19:31]

So attachment strategy. So I'm sure you talked about on your show.

[01:19:35]

Yeah, I mean, we got into a little bit. Yeah. But you can be secure, anxious, avoidant, dismissive and fearful of moynat, but it also depends on who you're with. So if you're with someone that's secure, you're not going to be as preoccupied or fearful, avoidant or. Right. So I finally am like seeing somebody right now that is secure, which I've never met a secure person and I don't. My goal in a relationship is when they're protecting someone healthy because you are it's really like feel good.

[01:20:01]

You see, I wouldn't it's look, we're in a pandemic. We've never been outside together.

[01:20:06]

So this is a this is in the back. Yes. He does not know me at all. So that helps. But I do think that my goal in a relationship, this might be a big one is that when the person is not around, I'm not thinking about them. I don't want to miss anyone. I don't want to think about someone. I don't want to try to control someone's behavior. I don't want to wonder. I just want to be able to coexist and be interdependent instead of codependent.

[01:20:36]

And I don't know if it's me or the other person at this point or it's probably a mix of both.

[01:20:41]

That's, I think, the goal, because my horse therapist, the one that she not only was she was not great to me, I got a couple nuggets from her and one of them was like a sign of a healthy relationship is that you could either you could live without them very easily. Yes. Yeah. Like, that's the best relationship that you don't need them at all about.

[01:21:01]

Every song we heard growing up, like, I can't live without you. What? What? I'm a mess without you. I mean, we've been, you know, and try to figure out what's nature and nurture. We've been conditioned to like. Yeah, man to size. Really sick addiction. Addictive love. Yes. It's passion.

[01:21:18]

Your soul. Such a rom com. Oh fuck. Oh totally.

[01:21:22]

Yeah, you're right. You're right. And we should like. That's crazy. You tell that to people who are co-dependent relationships like you should be able.

[01:21:29]

Without them, they start going, no, that's not like they freak out because it's so foreign to even think that way. Yeah, yeah. For us and it's tricky because I do think that I for so long not saying any of this is easy. You're talking to like two old gals here who have read a lot of books, which is they're like books.

[01:21:49]

I also love to be needed. It makes me feel like the abandonment risk is less that needs me. This person can't live without me.

[01:21:59]

I want be able to live without them. I don't want them to be able to live without me. OK, yeah, that's the thing that's going to be hard. That's when you got to watch, you know. And so it's like the idea is just like, oh well they'll never want to be with me because they want to be with me because I'm not enough and I'm not good enough. But if I have their insulin, you know, like what if I know how to do this special foot massage or whatever, think, oh, yes, you know, that's where it gets a little dicey.

[01:22:25]

Even just like dating, though, I think is the I think the beginning is the part of most scared of I hate strangers. Like, I hate getting to know someone new. I hate the very first date like that gives me so much anxiety because I feel like I just owe them so much on a first date. I just don't like I cannot handle the awkwardness of a first date. I mean, no one likes it that so dating around on Netflix that shows first dates really helped me realize like date first dates suck.

[01:22:53]

It's not just me, they're all terrible and awkward too.

[01:22:55]

And I really can't do it. Interesting. I literally impolite. I can do.

[01:23:02]

It's just like you haven't heard any of my stories. You don't know any of my tricks. I don't know why. That's the one that freaks me out more than anything. So I mean, it's you have a magnifying glass on you. I cannot do it. And I'm not in front of an audience like I'm trying to come up with, like, dating shows because I'm like, if I'm going to find love, it's going to be on camera.

[01:23:21]

I'm just more comfortable on camera.

[01:23:22]

You're really good with this, which is I always ask people on the show, red flags, things are like, that's a bottom line. Absolutely not.

[01:23:30]

Oh, OK. There's so many selfies, too many selfies. And I hate to say that because that's not fair, because I do think it's OK for women to have selfies. Human nature is human nature. And I very openly talk about if I see a guy trip and fall, I'm out like I it's just I'm sorry, but I need you to keep your balance. I need to watch where you walk. I need you to be very I'm just I'm just telling you, that's going to happen and it's not a choice.

[01:23:59]

Oh, my God. You're a guy you're dating. He knows he knows stuff he knows very carefully and knows all the time. Walk very gingerly when he does it.

[01:24:09]

Just go away. It's happened to me like I've been in love with someone.

[01:24:14]

Saw them trip on a cobblestone block. It was like, oh, it was truly over. You would have had a hard time finding love back at eighteen.

[01:24:20]

Hundreds of people driven everywhere but so like so funny not saying it's right, but just sure you can't help it. Selfies. I don't. I liked so many guys were repelled by people who are vain. It's just it's weird. That's I don't like a guy that's just like Yaqoubi to know and like knows they're hot nothing or I don't mind it when a girl knows her heart because I'm like, yeah, you're fucking hot. Get it, go. Yes, I know it's sexist.

[01:24:45]

And it shows to me that they care about look so much and I can't be with someone who's that cut up. I just can't do it as much as I want that approval from a guy who only dates models and that's. Oh my God. My dream is today a guy that has a roster of like the hottest chicks. And then I'm all I get to be added to this list of hot women. That's something I used to want. And now I'm like, no, because then I will be replaced by another one.

[01:25:09]

I'm replaceable. Like someone's talking me about dating a guy. And like, when you're against they're like you, you should be you should want to be not their type, because otherwise you're replaceable way. If someone has a type that is so we there the idea that you have a type like I just feel free to Google this. I'm about to burn a bridge. What's his name. The guy that Dennis Quaid. He just married a twenty seven year old.

[01:25:32]

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Well looks exactly like his current wife but like younger, like they have the same guy. No. Like truly the same face.

[01:25:40]

Like how lazy can you like. I don't want to like take the photos out of the frames around the house like but yeah having a type is just creepy.

[01:25:50]

Anyway other red flags just like saying your dog is your best friend on like these apps.

[01:25:58]

I'm just thinking about the apps because like when I see a guy that's just like to him and like I understand loving animals, I get it that like just being like can't wait for you to meet Riley. And it's just like I can do dogs before. Yeah. Just like always like your dog is the most special like don't you know that that's not. I also hate a guy's name.

[01:26:16]

They're dogs, violent things.

[01:26:18]

It's always like shooter hunter cutter slicer stabber. It's like why. Oh my God. Your shotgun like Jesus the Kutta. Puppy ever. I don't want that name school shooting, just like, well, that's actually like a very weird name. I mean, it would be suicide. Yeah, that one is. Yeah. The dog thing. And then my thing is having a dog in your profile, that's not your fucking dog. Oh, we're IDM you.

[01:26:49]

And I'm like, what's up with the dog? You're like, that's my friend. It's like, don't or out your face. Yes.

[01:26:54]

Or like a picture with their niece and they scratch out their face or blur the face. That's always like this makes me feel like you have abducted this child. And this is like a picture from your trip to Thailand that no one really knows what you were doing or they're like, just don't put a picture of your niece or just cut the child out. It's a red flag that you don't have more photos to pick from. Frankly, yes, guys need more photos and that is the problem.

[01:27:18]

But any mention, I don't I don't drink and I don't mind someone who drinks. But if someone is like a beer snob or like their identity is eating or drinking, I just that's that's such a great one. Any kind of, like, snobbery around, like, artisanal it's beer. You just like to get drunk. That's right. That's right. And that's OK. I don't work with it. Yeah. I can, I can maybe do it but like if you, if you any white guys I know that's the problem.

[01:27:50]

It's the white guys do it.

[01:27:53]

Or can I just share a thing that happened on the plane right here with you. OK, so at the I never meet a hot guy on the plane ever happens to other people. It's never happened to me. And at my gate flying here and there is a guy sits down next to me and I'm just like I was like on a face time with my friend. I was like, hey, I got to go. And I took out my earphones to be like, I'm able to be talked to.

[01:28:14]

Said The signal I laughed is something that the gate agent said because our flight was delayed and she was being ridiculous. And he took that as a way of like, hey, I really I think you're great. He recognized me, which I was like, shocked by. It was St. Louis Airport. I'm like wearing a mask and like, look, gross. I'm almost, you know, when you get embarrassed, when you get recognized cause you're like, I like shit right now.

[01:28:33]

You're like, I always look like this. Like you recognize me without makeup on. Yeah. There's no point in wearing makeup. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Right. Oh I look the same. Yeah. Basically. Yeah. So it was that and I was like oh it was nice. And I don't mind if it's being into a guy that like is maybe a fan or something and also the nurse familiar with you or they, they clearly like comedy.

[01:28:54]

I like comedy. It's not a red flag if someone's a fan of it. OK, yes. OK, good.

[01:28:58]

So then we're trying to be funny you said.

[01:29:02]

Oh that's hilarious. So we board and he's like Southwest.

[01:29:07]

So he's like hey, that's all I know is supporting groups. I know. I know. But so I, I get on and he's oh he goes I'm before him on the thing. He was save a seat for me and we'll talk on the plane and we've already talked like forty minutes we get on the plane, we talk for another two and a half hours straight and I don't like to be someone who's chatting on a plane. I felt bad.

[01:29:28]

It was like kind of a it was like eight p.m. So people are sleeping and we're just like, but I'm like, you don't have to be open. I'm so tired after Decmil tomorrow, but I'm just like, I want to be open. Yeah. I want to, I need to flirt. This guy's nice, cute. And then two and a half hours into this three and half hour flight, I finally I'm like, so how's dating been for you during this?

[01:29:46]

And he's like, oh well you know, I date, I date. And I'm like, oh like what's how you goes.

[01:29:51]

Well, I have a girlfriend like are you joking me?

[01:29:54]

I don't like how dare you waste my time.

[01:30:00]

What I felt feel stupid because I'm like today I thought this guy was into. No well that is the trick of if you're famous is that guys are they're just talking to someone they like. And you think the first time it's that you think you're. Oh no. That happened to me for a little where you thought they were into you and then you're like, oh, no, they want to get on ugly gay men that I like. Mean, I totally.

[01:30:22]

Yes, yes. Can you read the script? Yeah, I thought we were like hanging out and you were like asking me all these questions and they're like, can I get your Rogan's number?

[01:30:30]

And I'm like, oh God. Yeah, that's a tricky one. It's it's it's happened to me lot, it being a straight man. I know.

[01:30:39]

Well, that's happened be with before with like straight men in the business that they wanted to just like do a podcast together. Yeah. Instead of like date me. And I thought they wanted to have sex.

[01:30:49]

This is the first time it was like a normal guy that I'm like and it really it I just feel like if you have a girlfriend, don't talk to a hot girl on a plane for two and a half fucking. And how about that? How about that also, sir, he's such a huge fan so I guess but he but like hit her Patreon. You got a private Bodhgaya, you got a private two and a half hour guy.

[01:31:11]

I was just like I would have slept on this flight. I was so frickin angry.

[01:31:15]

And I wanted to be like, what did you not think? This is flirty, but like, I wanted to say something. But instead, I just talked to him the rest of the way because I felt like bad that I like I couldn't get mad at him now. It was, but it was I was almost crying like that would have been. Upset because I was just like, what did I misunderstand, am I so bad at reading people?

[01:31:35]

And also in my book? And is he so hot that he would almost scoff at the idea that I would think he'd be in to be like, so like, what kind of am I, like, so unattractive that he wouldn't lie?

[01:31:51]

Yes. And like, did I not get him to want to break up with her in this last two and a half?

[01:31:59]

Like, final answer, like still, I know you had a girlfriend at the beginning of the fight, but like you still I'm not even joking.

[01:32:04]

You like but I would be crazy before this. He did not deserve like he shouldn't want to date me because as we were talking, he was mentioning, like, I'm thinking about moving to Seattle for this.

[01:32:15]

And I was just like, well, why would he say that?

[01:32:18]

Like, he knows Seattle. We are just sitting in today for half hour. And I'm already like he said, he doesn't want kids. Like, why would he say that? And not even be just open to them like you have, you know, good. Mom, just give me a minute. It was so so I was already there's a wedding and here's what I'll say. Like, that is not that is we are wired that we are literally rotting from the inside.

[01:32:43]

We do have a very finite amount of time, not only for this podcast, because I have to let you go, because I want to be that asshole can be your forever stop. But I know I never want to stop talking. No, I don't want to be rude. But there is this sense of urgency all the time of get out of my fucking way. If you're not the guy, get out of my way. I have enough guy friends.

[01:33:02]

I have it. I'm at capacity on that. I don't need more guy friends. And I know I don't. And I certainly don't need to fucking talk to you for two hours. I can be writing jokes. I could be sleeping, I can be crying that lots of things I can be doing. It was back to what we're talking about before with like obsessing over guys, this interaction where I was like, you know what, Nicky? Don't sleep on this flight.

[01:33:20]

Open yourself up to this opportunity. I wasted it. I didn't get Russ. I didn't work on my jokes for like I lost something because I was trying to date. And that's why he dating. It's a fucking waste of time. So fucking romantic comedies ruined us. It's like I'm going to meet him on the plane, like, yo, you're not real life. Would you ever entertain talking to a stranger on a fucking tube of farts in the big guy?

[01:33:43]

I was giving up on a fucking movie. Did you see? I know this could work. Oh, it's. And I didn't even see the lower half of his face, so it could have been a really like I had. No, I never saw this. I wouldn't recognize him in public. So I'm going to get a great joke out of it or something. Yes. I end up buying literally something. That's when I said to myself and it happened, I was like, at least this is a story, the same thing.

[01:34:08]

I put myself out there and that's what I got. That drives me nuts. And I didn't say to God, do not waste a girl's time, like in relationships, anything. If you want to break up, if you want to cheat, just like, well, we're fine. We can handle. We'll be OK. Yeah, I just would have liked him to mention it within the first half hour. It was, it was so it was to the point where like I felt like the people in front of a friend.

[01:34:27]

It should come up in the first ten minutes. Thank you. Thank you. That's where I was at. Matt, you wanted to have a girlfriend. There were plenty of opportunities. I was definitely even if it's not organic. Oh God. Usually when I fly my girlfriend handles my luggage. Yeah. Oh my God. This will be a twenty minute conversation.

[01:34:42]

Yep. Yep. And I will tell you and I'll put my headphones on and be like I need to sleep and it would be done but like how dare. That's where it felt you. Oh I was about to say the only thing worse than being used for sex is just being used for like airplane chit chat. That is annoying every little cabin. And that's what the guy in front of me I knew the guy in front of me was just like these fucking people.

[01:35:00]

They will not shut up the whole ride. And I was kind of thinking like, oh, but they're listening to us fall in love. And it'll be like they're going to tell their friends. And I know when that guy heard yeah, I live with my girlfriend, he was just like, oh, I like I know people heard it.

[01:35:12]

I had this thing with no one on this and I'm letting you go is that I and I have so many more questions for you. But I went on this date with a guy because when I first started getting on dating apps, I thought I was dating and people would send me like resumes and stuff. I was like all like people trying to, like, network with me, like workwise at which thank you, I made it and and then is validated.

[01:35:38]

Yeah. If someone star fucks you, it means you're star. Just take the win. Yeah. So I went on a date with this guy and he was like halfway through was like anyway so I'm really trying to get started is like a stand up or something like that. And I was like I'm not going to let this, I'm so afraid of wasting time. I feel like I've lost so much time on bullshit addictions and eating shit and man and whatever that I was like, we're going to make this work.

[01:36:02]

Give me this. Like we are developing this. Like I got him an agent, like I helped him out. Like, I like the idea that with that you get off the plane with him and you're like, I just gave up. No, we're we're dating.

[01:36:12]

We're going on a date. We're not like this. You're not going to have wasted two and a half hours. We're changing the end of the story.

[01:36:19]

Well, that's why I got his number and was like, you know, if you're like this is a girl like I like, do you, like, forced him into being in your life in some way of like. No. Yeah, I should have thought. What about that? That's why he didn't ask for my number, I go take my number because I was like this. If this I want to go to work here, there has to be some chance that this could be this.

[01:36:40]

This week has got to salvage this. Oh, we've met on this airplane, but he had a girlfriend, but we kept just talked about in a podcast. He saw that she got really mad because she found out that he lied to be anyway. So they weren't universe intervened. And like here we are now living in Seattle with him with no kids. And I don't really like the bottom of this case. But this is I feel like we're not in Act three.

[01:37:07]

We're definitely not done. I'm still building this whole thing out. Yeah, I have very big plans for this. OK, so if you guys have not watched Kimmel watch her on Kimmel.

[01:37:16]

Yeah, brilliant.

[01:37:17]

I have a daily podcast that people can listen to, called you up and she's so hypnotic and soothing and it just feels like maybe it's because I want to be friends with you, but it feels like just hanging out with you.

[01:37:30]

Thank you. And it's so intimate. It's so intimate. But it's like I was listening to what I was like getting ready this morning and I didn't feel yelled at. I didn't feel like you were like throwing anger at me. A lot of podcast, which is like like people are just yelling at you. It's they're shit. They're complaining. Like, I just felt like I was just hanging out with you. Oh, thanks, girl. And it was just like a really perfect blend of just like intimacy, comedy, authenticity, like, oh, I didn't you just gave me permission to feel this thing.

[01:37:56]

I wasn't feeling. Oh, thanks. So yeah, I do that every day and and who knows what's next.

[01:38:02]

And you have this amazing ability to keep it to like forty minutes which I don't know, it's, it's a really. Oh yeah. Oh really. I saw one that was like thirty minutes. I was like jeez. Yeah. That was a day where I just like yeah it's hard. I know we had planned to talk for an hour. I'm guessing we've been talking for an hour now. It's bad. It's bad. Your friend left and you're live here now Sylvia you're going to be some acting after this and then you'll be touring soon.

[01:38:28]

There's your dotcom Instagram. Go look at her veiny hands on Instagram. I love you guys. Don't ride elephants. Good bye. I was.

[01:38:36]

And I love that I.