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[00:00:00]

There it is, a win for the ages. This is all American. A new series from Stitcher. You realize Tiger Woods doesn't know who he is best in the history of golf. No question in my mind. And this season we're asking, what if the story of Tiger Woods that the media has been telling? What if it's been completely wrong? Season one of all American premieres, August 20th. Subscribe or favorite?

[00:00:29]

Now, Mr. Carvey, has our conversation started? Would you have things you want to say to me offline? You're scared to say to the public?

[00:00:39]

Not necessarily. I just want to say that in terms of my hair color on my chin. Yes, well, I reserve the right to do anything I want with my hair based on older rock stars who I admire, like Ringo Starr is encased in chocolate brown hair. And so why should I be Santa Claus on the chin? One hundred percent. Hey, welcome to the podcast. Welcome to literally it is my extreme pleasure today to have. Look, I've worked a lot of funny people, but I've never worked with someone funny where I look in their eyes and realize that they would eviscerate my human flesh for a laugh.

[00:01:40]

There's a phrase people use about comedy killer. And people can talk about who's funnier than who and whatever, but in terms of killer and killing and on stage comedy violence. It's Dana fucking Carvey, hands down, and I cannot wait to literally see what he has to say for himself. The first time I hosted you, I always tell people getting on live television with Dana Carvey is like going into the ring with a like a tiger like you don't you don't want to look in your eyes on live television and you're like about to be fucking eaten alive.

[00:02:20]

It's like people used to say, you know, doing a duet with Judy Garland, you would she would just fucking maul you.

[00:02:27]

And she she was a bad ass. Bad ass. So could you get you get the. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can remember vividly when we did church lady looking over at you and going, oh he wants to kill me. He wants to he would he would kill me.

[00:02:41]

He would kill me for a laugh without even thinking twice. I try to play fair though. I don't know.

[00:02:48]

Yeah. I mean you would play fair the other, the other time I saw that look in your eye, as you remember in Wayne's World when we did this scene, which makes no sense at all where I come down in the basement in your building like a robotic hand.

[00:02:59]

Yes. And I remember you saying that was one of your favorite scenes that was very flattering. And yes, I do. And I have no excuse for it. It's just should we tell the story? Yes, we should tell a story. So so Rob famously was in Wayne's World, one being the character Garth. I inserted this weird little sketch where I was working and making a mechanical hand. And the subtext for me, which was never explained, because Mike is brilliantly always clear with his jokes, like, you know, he really is able to.

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And he's he's an engineer. He's a scientist at it. And I kind of do these flights of fancy. So it didn't really make sense. But anyway, I make this mechanical hand, the nemesis Rob comes in, the guy I'm thinking of strangling with the mechanical hand. And then you said, Garth, what are you up to? Something like that. I had some stupid hat on. It's a big helmet or something. I don't know if I like that.

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But then the hands started to move once you came in, and then I just smash the shit out of it with a hammer.

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And sometimes it would sort of lay there at the previews because the audience was like, what? Right. But then I do remember Lorne coming in late in the process of vetting the film and there was two sides stay in or stay out.

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And Lorne said it just one of those things that you'll see twenty years from now, you'll be happy that it's there.

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So that's why I stayed in.

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Yeah. The very long run. Right. To be happy. It's there not only is your Laurin brilliant, but, you know, he said that that's something he would say, oh, I love it.

[00:04:36]

I love inhabiting Lorne and Dennis Miller. There's certain people that are really fun to be inside that rhythm.

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You know, your Dennis is always is always been great sex.

[00:04:48]

But the quiet Dennis, things aren't really happening. I'll take care, for Christ sakes. Don't want a pod thing with the low cat.

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Give me a topic. Just any topic. Let's say let's let's do I like your Dr. Blix. What would Dana say about Dr. Blix? Blix saying, OK, I've got to keep track of all those scars every day. You might be a do a redo once in a while so you don't have to do the math of this has to flamingo's in it instead of seven. OK, first I got enough on my plate so I love just put it, it's like a sausage factory.

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Same thing with Laura, you just get it to anything and you can just put it through, you know how they'd say it.

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That's what it's really fun.

[00:05:34]

Dennis's nickname for me it was Sky Low, Low and Sky. Lola was apparently a a wrestler in the fifties. I Googled it. It's true. I'm glad that nickname didn't take that was the first shot anybody ever had to giving me a proper nickname. I've never I really had one in my career. But Amy Poehler was the one who finally got a nickname for me that's sort of taken on a life. And that's Rolo. And she's like, how no one ever called you Rolo.

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That is clever. Yeah. Ruelas good, isn't it? Yeah. Ronno LOLCat. Yeah. What else would you what else you got for me. OK, Dennis Miller trying to figure out names for me.

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It's just to get two syllables. They're not a lot of work went there. Rob Lowe looks like a tough nut to crack in many ways. Sorry I can't, I can't. He looks like he's in junior college. All right. Cal State Stanislaus, not Jesus Christ. Dorian Gray. What happening here? All right. I want to meet its dermatologist's. I can.

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The teeth were in a wide area. The people will be suing him for blindness.

[00:06:43]

OK, I want to say he's the best one I saw.

[00:06:50]

Your most recent oeuvre was a great version of Dr. Fauci. And I thought I thought if just for a minute I could, because I have a lot of questions for that motherfucker. Yeah. And I said. Motherfucker in the best possible way, he's clearly knows what he's doing. He's clearly a selfless guy, has devoted his life to to to science and been a tremendous help. But he is the harbinger of terrible news. I just would love for one day to have him say something that makes me feel good.

[00:07:21]

Well, he's very raspy more than you think because you want to go gravelly, but it's more raspy. What we're going to do with the covid-19 experience. We're going to take all the the exotic animals from the wet markets all over the world, the bats, the skunks, the rats, the platypuses in the air. He does what have you. We're going to put him in the circus circus hotel one night only, and we're going to put on a benefit for covid-19.

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We've got Lance Burton and Criss Angel. We'll train these exotic animals and we'll put on quite a show and the clown room. It's eighteen hundred seats. Will social distance. The Annita, I understand will wear a dress and they don't wear dresses. So that's the comedy of it all. You'll see a band in a tuxedo, you'll see a skunk singing then that's not normal. And there is where the comedy is a stand. Dr. Brooks will be selling a scarves in the foyer.

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Dr. Books, specialized scuffs, eighty nine thousand dollars, a scarf, cool, 19 too much, you say. How much was Lincoln's top hat golf? 70 million. It's an investment. The Tiger King guy has agreed to be in a freak show. He was resistant. Trump's going to pardon was resisted. We had him look in a mirror and he agreed to appear and in a kind of a tent where you can go in and point at the Tiger King guy.

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I'm Anthony Food. You know what? Go fuck yourself. I just feel like in his brain, he's like a really tough guy.

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You know how tough he is, 40 years surviving his basketball team. He was five, too. And he dominated, I figure at the end of everything in his mind. Every speech we're finding the flattening of the curve for the bottom of my heart. Go fuck yourself.

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Oh, for sure. He's like, do you know how many horrible diseases that have tried to take me down? There's all kinds of viruses, disease, microorganisms, bacteria is the get in.

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You get into it like when you're Anthony Fauci is describing what's funny is really great. That will be the comedy that is.

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You're right. That's the funniest part of the little live rabbit that I sent to our our mutual manager. I saw a bit. You did once. You're you're you're my favorite guest ever to have on things. So you just always crush. I saw you. It might have been driven, Johnny with with Carson.

[00:10:05]

Oh yes. Six times. Not that I'm counting. Well, then Carson and I did one with Jay and then six with Johnny until I was blacklisted.

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Yes. Well that's a whole other chapter. We will get to that. You know, I didn't know that you wanted to talk about your blacklisting.

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I am so controversial, Rob. There's a lot I'm a Richling now.

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I'm a I've been social distancing my whole life. This is nothing new to me. I love going to the like theater at 10:00 in the morning. I've been in theaters a lot alone. I saw two thousand one alone and they at the amphitheater when it was reissued last year.

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But you like to go alone because you don't like to wear pants?

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No, just no underwear. So tell me. Oh, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny Carson. Is it is that weird in the heat? Now that is just a great a great rhythm to be in. I did this on the Conan deep dives, but these are this is an example of something that means nothing to the universe, but just made me happy. That was Johnny getting pulled over for drunk driving in the nineteen seventies and it's all about where he was drinking and the name of the cocktail.

[00:11:17]

Amazing.

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Sorry officer. I didn't know I was swerving. I had to slippery monkeys at the hook and crook so that's just too funny.

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It's just that anyway he could have actually had a drink at Alan Hale's lobster barrel.

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Alan Hale from Gilligan's Island.

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Dude, did you not know that this might have been before your time in L.A.? I remember being a kid when I moved to L.A. and, you know, Gilligan's Island, we all grew up on and I was going down La Cienega Boulevard probably on one of my first auditions writing the back of a bus. And I looked over and there was this restaurant and it's Alan Hale's lobster barrel.

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And it was there for years in the seventies. Yeah. Just sounds hearty, like a lot of lobster because you think of barrels, you think a giant kegs, it's huge barrels of lobsters.

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I was always really into the seventies. It's listen, you brought it up. You sent me on this tangent. So I blame you. If the listener doesn't like it, it's not me. I know. It's my podcast. I put my name on it. But this is all Dana Carvey fault. Yeah. If you want to go down the wormhole of celebrity 1970s Los Angeles restaurants, that's on you.

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But do you want to go to Carroll O'Connor's the ginger man? That was one. That was the restaurant. Yes. Or bakery. You know, the irony was there was no gingerbread. Wow. At Carroll O'Connor's ginger man, and it was in Beverly Hills. It was right in the heart. A bit like Alan Hills Lobster Barrel, at least was like on La Cienega.

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Wow. The worst investment you could make. No wonder O'Conor kept doing Archie Bunker.

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Well, my grandfather was in the restaurant business for fifty years and had a it's now a historical landmark in Sydney, Ohio, called The Spot, and it's just a burger joint. But he famously missed out on his buddy Dave Thomas's idea to do a restaurant chain called Wendy's. My grandpa missed the boat on Wendy's and we never let him get it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. But this is my favorite, though. Wow.

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He was going to make up for it with his next big idea, which was a restaurant chain of Phyllis Diller's Chili.

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Right. Because, you know, when you think of Phyllis Diller, yeah, you think of her, actually, that's like Mickey Rooney had a lot of those Mickey Rooney's macaroni. Mickey Rooney, you know, Mickey Rooney was always trying to come up with names of franchise stuff. You worked with Mickey? Oh, yeah. The single craziest person I ever worked with. My first job, I well, 38 Revolver fully loaded. The script is Cauca.

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Come on. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:13:51]

He said when you walk around New York, it's nine to one. They're not going to get me. I'm ready. Well, Mickey, I don't even know how to start.

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He was I am obsessed with with Mickey Rooney. I mean. Well the guys, the big people can't today cannot even imagine what a ginormous star he was for so many years.

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And when I worked with him, he's probably 60 two. And he talked about that. How big was in show business? Constantly. And it wasn't even a joke all the time. I was the number one star in the world, hear me bang the world, which I did on Saturday Night Live once. And I did. And I was working with Bonnie and Terry to help track Wayne's World. Great writer. And I just I every line I told them was what Mickey set to go in the sketch.

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And then years and years later, I'm hosting SNL and with John Mulaney and Bill Hader, they're young. You know, they were just kind of first couple of years on SNL, fresh faced guys. And I go, what do you guys want to do? I mean, what do you like of what I did on the show? And they said, well, our favorite thing you ever did was Mickey Rooney. Really? Well, yes, that was it.

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So you're telling me that all that great Mickey Rooney stuff you did was not you riffing? He actually said it to you? Oh, yeah.

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Judy Garland never owned a car. Just non sequiturs. You beat you'd hear him down the hallway. How long Robert Redford been in the business? Ten years. I've been in the business. Sixty one years. You know, all of those guys where it's like six months less than what it was before. I called the head of Warner Brothers.

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These are all quotes in nineteen fifty five. I said, this is Mickey Rooney. I need a job.

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He hung up on me and then he would just look off. But he had a thing I don't know. This is r rated right. But he oh he had an idea for a show where every character's name was a swear word and he would act it out. Hello Mrs. Funk. How are you, Mr..

[00:15:55]

He went off for a kid. Son of a bitch and fuckface is going to go over.

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It was just on and on hysterical. I'm just thinking if anybody ever wanted to know what the demo of this podcast is, we've spent ten minutes on Mickey Rooney.

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Hold that thought. We'll be right back. Everyone knows about the risks of driving drunk, you could get in a crash, people could get hurt, killed. But let's take a moment to look at some surprising statistics, OK, almost 29 people in the United States die every day. An alcohol impaired vehicle crashes, that's one person every 50 minutes. So even though drunk driving fatalities have fallen by a third in the last three decades, drunk driving crashes still claim more than 10000 lives a year.

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And drunk driving can obviously have a big impact on your wallet, too. You could get arrested in Cuba, huge legal expenses. You could possibly even lose your job. So what can you do to prevent drunk driving a safe ride home before you start drinking? Designate a sober driver or call a taxi. If someone you know who's been drinking, take over the keys. And arrange for them to get a sober ride home. Because we all know the consequences of driving drunk.

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But one thing is for sure. You're wrong if you think it's no big deal, drive sober or get pulled over.

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So as you know, I've been living the Atkins way for many, many, many years, watching my carbs, watching my sugars, eating high protein. But when I get hungry, I've got my special weapon. It's the Atkins Chocolate Peanut Butter Bar. They're literally in my car, they're in my man purse. Yes, overmanned purse, they are wherever I may need them when I need them. And if you try it, you're going to be like, what the hell?

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This has got to be B.S. because it tastes so good.

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They're really good, they're my favorite bars. So now it's turned out that they don't just need them on the go, I use them in the house any time, anywhere. They're excellent stuff. You don't have to be doing the Atkins diet or the Atkins way of eating to enjoy the benefits of these Atkins bars. They are my secret weapon. So welcome home, Atkins Bar. We've known each other for so long that I have been through so many different phases of each other's careers and people we know and all of this, that there are stories in my mind that I'm going, is that true?

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Did that really happen? I need to ask Dan if it happened. Did you have a really intense experience with a poltergeist? Yes, in my neighborhood here at Montecito, at the San Ysidro ranch, yes.

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Yeah. I always when I when I'm around Hollywood people and no one knows what to say, I usually use that I go as anyone ever experience anything supernatural besides meeting me.

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That's the joke part. But but everybody kind of lights up a little bit and they think back. But this one was so bald face that my wife and I go to San Ysidro Ranch.

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We have dinner, we go in the room and you see the ranches is is literally a mile from my house in Montecito. Yeah.

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And it's kind of from the nineteen twenties or something. It had an old vibe. Very cool. But we're in a bungalow so I wait. I have a what I thought was a waking dream state where I felt like something was pressing down on me. My wife's asleep, it's like three a.m. pressing down on me and I couldn't move. I was which I found out later. A nightmare comes from the sense of a horse laying on top of you.

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Oh, yeah. Fun fact, right? So I get up, I go the bathroom with the water on my face, whatever. OK, that was just the waking dream state. So I get back into bed. I'm awake in my mind today. Right now. I was awake as I am right now. And then it starts again and it's harder and then it starts to throb on top of me.

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It's a set and it seems angry.

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And I've never had any other experience like this, not like I'm some kind of nut job, but it's weighing down on me. And so then I'm really flipped out. I get up and I'm like, what the fuck? So I wake up my wife. Part of the reason we're still married. I said, honey, we have to go. It's three a.m. It's like four hundred and nine. Those days she goes, OK.

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OK, that's that's an amazing wife, so then we went out and there was a the sky was lit up with thunder and lightning and then we're driving back on the one on one back to Encino and there's a dead a giant possum, half dead, half alive. We're coming up on it, on the freeway, on its back. It's already been hit, but it was alive. So everything was spooky that night. And the only the only time I had a couple little ones was up in Marin County.

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Our house was built in nineteen nine and there was a couple of times and I did not know about white noise or anything. It's just like I woke up. My one son used to have nightmares a lot, so he's in with his brother and he had a little boombox in his room. And I woke up and I said, God, the radio is on in between is between stations. What the fuck? It's 3:00 a.m. So by the time I got into the room, it had stopped.

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And that would happen to me once in a while. So all I got. What do you got?

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Well, this is libelous stuff that's really, really, really hard to top. I mean, that's that's insane. But but that said, I have so we've been sheltering here at the house for a while and everybody has been seeing a man walk up the steps. OK, but it doesn't feel scary. Yeah, it doesn't feel it doesn't feel like you said it felt angry. This feels actually comforting in a weird way. And we're trying to figure out who or what it is, but every single person in the family has seen it.

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How old is the house? We built it. Hmm. Well, my Irish relatives with Irish accents, they just accept this in Ireland and it's no big deal. And they're just like ghosts. They were just saying, yeah, at our house growing up, there was a mother and a daughter and we'd see her once in a while. But it wasn't a big deal. You know, you just say to them, hello, how are you doing?

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And then you go about the business, that's all, with their accent. You just believe them totally. They're just like, no big deal. So I think I think now I mean, we're we're having fun as a podcast, getting to see you and talk to you again.

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But you've got a problem. I would get the fuck out of that word. I don't know who your contractor was. Well, did people independently like. Was it a chain like someone came in and said, I've seen this and everyone said, me too.

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Or they started looking for it and then said, no, no, it was it was I've seen it me to everybody's had their own thing. And it's been completely I mean, you have to understand that I and my boys did a show called The Low Files.

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I know the show. I thought it was really cool. Thanks, man. To bring it back. Yeah, it was very Scooby. It was Scooby Doo meets Anthony Bourdain. Yeah. And and we we went to a very known.

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Sorry, I love that Scooby. Yeah, of course. Scooby Doo. Right. Anthony, how are you. Uh huh. I'm Scooby Doo. We must do a great Casey Kasem. By the way. I'm Casey Kasem. If there wasn't a me, there'd be a you doing me, I'm Casey Kasem. Another thing that our young demo is going to go fuck. Yes, I just heard a podcast where they talked about Casey Kasem. Do you know what I like to do to this day?

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You know, you're getting older is like I take really good comfort and going to Sirius XM or whatever and listening to Casey Kasem count down the top songs from my childhood, it's unbelievably comforting. Yeah.

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Next is Chicago with whatever the Captain and Tennille with Muskrat Love have.

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You were that great, that great audio of him losing his shit? Oh yeah.

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I want to make one up for myself so it can exist in folklore, you know. Yeah. Because like Batman, that one, Adam West has one to know one. Oh the new one.

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Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. That was Christian Bale. Christian Bale. Right. Yeah. Losing is shit. Oh I don't like you. Why are you looking at me. Why do Australian actors have such great American accents like Russell Crowe? I mean, they're just they're pretty pretty good. Yeah. They the Brits. There's Brits to watch. Like, it's like you said that when you when you speak in a certain type of accent, as Americans will believe anything.

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Yes. Yes. Like if if a British accent is said to us in a specific way, we just believe it. That's why they get like they come in and casting directors go, oh, yeah, you can play like an American cannot play James Bond like that is not ever going to happen. Believe me, I've tried. They're not having it. It is like the thought of it is a national disgrace. But yes, but British people can play our presidents.

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I know. I love it. I like I like all British accents. I like to cockney accent. I like that because too I mean, if I could talk like this, I would if I could get away with it. Hello, Robert. Do you know Michael Caine is you must do him. He's one of the great men of all time. And and I've had amazing conversations with him about about acting and things.

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He's like the the wise just like kind of has it all all wrapped up. I made it I intentionally learned him because I love Steve Coogan's impression of. Yes. So much. Yeah. Yeah. So I usually don't try to learn people but I literally recorded it and then I started doing that. I had already lost the baby, as you call it, a night. So I picked out a couple days so you can't really tell at a stutter stepped down.

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He's walking down a staircase.

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I tend to bottom out that wall to scare you, but I think I've got a dark day for you at your career. I did leave a message for JJ Abrams as as Michael Caine.

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You know, that was, first of all, what prompted you to call J.J. Abrams as well? J.J. Abrams. And I just he liked me on our roster. We met up a couple of times and then we became just sort of email buddies with Conan some times and my brother around our Beatle fanaticism. So we've really got to know each other talking about things like that. But at one point when I learned Michael Caine, I wanted to record it for him and then I just did.

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This message was sort of like, this is this is Bob Cock-Eyed. I heard you make it what a space ship movie.

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And I'd love to put my hat and get I know of a bit long in the tooth, but maybe this showcase, he's got one more lap around the track. Well, if you feel beat, call me up. I'll be here at one four nine seven six, operator Fall-back, whatever.

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I know somebody else, but yeah, I love him.

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Yeah. You've met everybody. You're famous now.

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It's but that's just that's the beauty is like, you know, hanging around the business. As long as we have like our heroes we get to meet them. And you know, one thing that always continues to inspire me about doing what we get to do is that, you know, everyone is a fan of somebody, no matter how famous you are, no matter how long you've been around, no matter where you are in the business, like there are still people that, like, get us excited and movies.

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And, you know, I know for you it's probably the Beatles, right? I mean, they're they're you're a massive Beatles fan.

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Yeah. There's lots of me. I think what they achieved in those six, seven years could not be fathomed even by them. And I think that it took probably 30 or 40 years for it to start to percolate up as new generations went. Who the fuck are these people? And I think now with XM. Radio on the Beatles channel, it's kind of like they're at their highest frequency maybe since they started, I get, you know, in terms of comfort.

[00:29:17]

Well, I get real anxiety goes down. I get very relaxed with early Beatles, you know, no reply by John Lennon or Help or those early Beatles rockers where they're harmonizing. And Paul and John were sort of sharing their songwriting Hard Day's Night help. And then, of course, Revolver, I think is might be their best album.

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So I was at Lowrance with Paul, with Paul McCartney, both at first.

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And I had my Paul story, too. But I want to hear yours. So my my Paul story.

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And I did this my one man show. I tell this Paul story. I got to see your show to it would be the year would have been, I'm going to say in the 90s. Oh no, 2003. OK, I must say it's right. I must say it's two thousand, maybe a little earlier, but but in the early, very early, early, early, early 20s. So it's very it's Stella McCartney who is a genius and just an amazing woman and just I just love her and my wife Sheryl and Lauren and Alice and Paul and and just Paul.

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Paul and Stella was the two of them. Yeah. And there's music playing in the background, very quiet lunch and very quietly in the background. Suddenly it changes. And it's a Beatles song. And I'm like looking at Paul McCartney and I'm hearing Beatles song playing. And I'm I'm wondering, is it like when I'm channel surfing and I come across a movie and I maybe don't notice it or hate it or I'm embarrassed by it or I think it's great or underappreciated or like I'm wondering what is it like to be Paul McCartney and hear his music in public all the time?

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Yeah. And as I'm thinking that I look over and he's humming the words to himself and and I hear him sing. So if you want some fun, take a lot of those, OK?

[00:31:16]

And he looks up and he sees me that I've witnessed it and then he gets like really embarrassed and then I get embarrassed and it gets really awkward. And neither one of us knows what to say. And then he and then after a long pause, because I don't even know what it meant, really take off, blah, blah. And his daughter him said to be an idiot. Dad, you meant take drugs.

[00:31:39]

I love the dad thing. Yeah. When I was hung out with we went over to his house and I guess the son, James, had a plastic sword and he was up on a banister and he was going to drop it on his sister. And I'm just walking off with Paul McCartney. And Paul goes, if you do that, we're going to have a problem with him as their dad. Then he pointed to a piano and guitar, because these are the inspirations.

[00:32:02]

I mean, there's no way I mean, he's carried the mantle so brilliantly. He's not gone crazy. He's a happy guy. And I think that his persona, because I remember when I met Jimmy Stewart, I'll come back to this, you know, I had I don't do this, but I was at an event and I had to go meet Jimmy Stewart. And I walked up to him.

[00:32:22]

I started to talk and he just grabbed my hand and said, I know, I know, you know, so.

[00:32:28]

Oh, yeah, you heard it so many times. I got to say what your movie's meant to me.

[00:32:34]

I know it's OK. Now, I you know, I've heard it a lot. You can go now. Yeah, I didn't say that. But with Paul the. The the funny thing was to me, which I don't normally tell this part of hanging out for four days with him and his wife Linda at the time at Lorne Michaels house, never been around wealth. I'd gotten cast on Saturday Night Live. I didn't have any money. I was a stand up and shit box clubs.

[00:33:02]

I played a pizza parlor in July and then I'm not preparing on the show in October. And I'm in like five things. I didn't even know I was in the cold opening. You know, it's like they just threw you in. But Paul and Linda had met me. I'd never been on TV and never were just my wife had stayed in L.A. She had a really good job. Every show I'd ever done had been canceled. So she wasn't going to come out because I assume it would get canceled.

[00:33:27]

But after an hour later, Linda and Paul come over to me. I just met them and I'm incredibly nervous. And they go, we think Paula should be here. We don't like they remember her name. We've we've we don't think Paula should she should be here with you.

[00:33:41]

We don't think she should be in L.A..

[00:33:43]

Amazing. So then I know and and this is worth telling because of the flow we're in. But when I met him, I did have the presence of mind not to say anything about the Beatles. I brought up a song from a tug of war, from an album in nineteen eighty one that was really good. And George Martin produced it. And I just said in the chorus, one day we'll stand on top of the world with our flag unfurled, but it won't be soon enough for me.

[00:34:11]

What were you thinking? And I really could tell that it affected him, you know, because he never heard that. And I always tell people, what do you say to a celebrity? I say you find something really obscure that you truly love, that probably they're never asked about because people who who wrote Hey Jude or what has let it be.

[00:34:31]

But then this. You know what I mean. So this came up and this thing will fly, you know, it's just awful. So then he had an album out press to play. So I said, well, can you bring it tomorrow night? Because he and Linda came over every night around 10:00. So the next night they came in and they had the album. But they're kind of sheepish. And I oh, you brought props to play.

[00:34:51]

Linda said to Paul, See, I told you he'd like it.

[00:34:57]

So they were having conversations about he's brushing his teeth.

[00:35:01]

I don't know if I should I don't know what he's going to think about it, you know?

[00:35:04]

I mean, so it's in a way, I find them absolutely fascinating.

[00:35:10]

I find the relationship between John Lennon and Paul McCartney fascinating, hearing it through their music. You write a song called Dear Prudence. Ringo is on hiatus. Paul plays the bass line from the heavens and does the drums and then is harmonizing on your song, so I knew that they loved each other because you can't not you write a song. Paul, this how about this bass line? Fuck. That's the best baseline I've ever heard. I always tell people Paul was just the bass player, the Beatles.

[00:35:39]

He would be irreplaceable, just the bass player.

[00:35:42]

So anyway, I find that fascinating. So we have a little club coming and we'll put you in the link if you want. We just wish my brother finds obscure YouTube things about the Beatles and chord structures and all kinds of downtown stuff, and we just fan up on it. I love that.

[00:35:56]

One of my one of my questions I asked people on the podcast is is, you know, Stones or Beatles. And I'm with you.

[00:36:04]

I just and also the thing about McCartney enough about that guy is just he's you can't get more of being on Mount Rushmore of legendary status than Paul McCartney.

[00:36:18]

You simply can't. It's it's not just that he's famous because there's a lot of famous people today have never accomplished one thing in their lives that will ever be noteworthy. But he what he's given to the culture alone, it's beyond belief. And then when you meet him, as you say, he's like the most regular Warm-hearted. He's full of humility. CHAMI Yeah.

[00:36:42]

The last party I was at just sitting with Lorne and we were talking about the proficiency of appal as a melody writer, you know, and Lauren just said all, he's Mozart.

[00:36:55]

Which I guess, you know, classical music is just like, how did he keep coming up with these melodies? You know, so and of speech hope that trends like.

[00:37:08]

And we'll be right back after this. Here's the thing about home security companies, they trap you with high prices, contracts that are impossible to read and customer support that. Literally, you're like there's someone breaking into my home. Oh, please, it's not good. Customer support is. Wanting, as they say, and, you know, there's a lot of options out there, but there's really only one no brainer and that is simply safe, simply say it's got everything you need to protect your home.

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[00:38:14]

Well, as far as I'm going, I'm going to pay somebody to do it, but but if I did it myself. It would be in just under two days. I could set it up in just under two days because I'm not good, I'm not handy, but you are.

[00:38:28]

And that's why you can set it up in just under an hour. You literally just peel and stick the sensors exactly where you need them. No technician required. And there's no contract, no hidden fees, no fine print. And you get it all for fifteen dollars a month. That is not a lot of money to safely secure your home. U.S. News and World Report named it the best overall home security of twenty twenty.

[00:38:52]

So it's not some fly by night place. OK, we know that now. U.S. News and World Report said that and I'm saying it. And I would never say that unless it was legit. So try someplace safe today at simply safe dotcom. Rob, that's simply safe dotcom Rob for free shipping and a 60 day risk free trial. There's nothing to lose that's simply safe dotcom. Rob. I need to hear about George Bush. W w the son you're w sorry, w did the let's call him the dad.

[00:39:38]

I get mixed up on initials Roman numerals.

[00:39:40]

I'm that is the day that they went forty one for the dad and forty three for forty one and forty three. Yeah. That's another way to do it. That's how they do it. Their family.

[00:39:51]

What's amazing about the elder Bush is there's something about him. But you just captured him so perfectly. But, but he's, he's a fucking badass dude. He bailed out of his plane in World War Two. I got on the wing and then survived on it. I mean, but yet his affect is very sort of not you would never think of him as a tough guy ever. And he was.

[00:40:12]

Yes. Yes. Definitely No. One, you got to have sharp elbows to become president. United States. No one else is in.

[00:40:19]

But yeah. That World War two generation, when you think about how much safety we've my generation to generally have and I had one brother who was drafted, but he was stationed in Germany, but I didn't go to Vietnam. And I think in some ways it's made us more afraid and less risk taking as a culture because we've had so much safety until this pandemic, by the way. We'll see how this goes. It's a part of history for sure.

[00:40:48]

But my relationship with him, you know, the only reason it's interesting in twenty twenty where we find ourselves, which I think is still driven by technology in a certain way. I mean, if they had Twitter and Facebook and all these social media platforms in 1918, 60, can you imagine the Confederates versus what would have been? But in those days when I was real, I was really apolitical in the early nineties in a sense. And so I wasn't out to get him or anything.

[00:41:15]

I was just trying to find a funny rhythm. And I think he kind of sense that when I finally did meet with him, he said, well, you never hit below the belt, never went down town, kept it up in this area, never, never lower, never battering that area down there, but keeping it above the belt. Boxing reference, low blow. Got a point that that that you went up top, kept it on that belt area.

[00:41:44]

Yeah. With him, you just keep going. There is no end to how many. And I've said this many times, but I would do I do that to cover myself not just as an affectation, like right now if there's any kind of performance or anxiety, I just go Rob LA podcast, good friend. Funny out there doing this thing now on television, movies, you comedian hiding in a room safe. Mike Zoome podcast. It's so much it's very comforting when you just break down your life to that, you know, do you go the Lincoln Bedroom?

[00:42:21]

Did you get to sleep there?

[00:42:23]

Oh yeah. After he lost the election, he was depressed or they thought he was. But, you know, he wanted to he was very into dignity in the office. So he called me up like, well, why don't you come out to DC, cheer up the troops. People are a little down. Want to bring them up. And I was so shocked. I was talking to the president. This is December. I literally said to him, well, where would I stay?

[00:42:50]

Just like, you know, he thought I was negotiating.

[00:42:54]

Where a pause he goes, well, stay right here in the White House with Bar and I. So two weeks later, we're in the Lincoln Bedroom, my wife and I.

[00:43:03]

Oh, yeah.

[00:43:04]

That's so cool. And we hung out with him for, like, kind of like two and a half days. We would have dinners with them. We took walks with them. We went to the Kennedy Center with them and they were just Kennedy Center honorees. We're in the presidential box with them. And it was everyone going through Ginger Rogers, whatever, getting their awards at the end. Well, the newsman of the day, folks, Walter Cronkite turned up to the box.

[00:43:30]

And so to now salute to President George Herbert Walker Bush for fifty years of service to so the whole audience stands up and gives us a standing ovation. I'm next the president in a bit of a ham. So I kind of thought, well, maybe maybe a bit of it's for me, but it was just a tiny bit.

[00:43:49]

So then I see he's getting emotional with the Secret Service, takes us out. Suddenly we're in an elevator with Barbara Bush, George Bush, my wife and I, and he's just streaming tears down his face, not sobbing, but just really emotional. I thought really my life has been like this. I don't know if you have moments where you go, what the fuck am I doing here?

[00:44:12]

It's like when I did the last movie, The Burt Lancaster and Kirk Douglas did, I'm like and even being on Saturday Night Live, what I'm on Saturday Night Live, that's not possible. So this was the same kind of moment. And, you know, we we kept in touch. We did gigs together. He loved we did charity events, he loved me doing Ross Perot, that that was his favorite condiment on Ray little shit, you can't finish trying to finish time.

[00:44:39]

So I would do that for him. And I went to visit him a lot. I was in Houston. They would come visit me in the hotel. That Secret Service would sweep the room. They would come in and there'd be red wine. And George Senior would say he was just a little bit of wine. So I was the waiter at one point, the Holiday Inn. So I was opening up. And part is easy. Not too much got to work, you know.

[00:45:03]

And then Barbara Bush goes, you know, George always loved impressionists and he always fancied himself an impressionist, didn't you, George?

[00:45:11]

So then George does a pretty good James Cagney and Henry Fonda. Not bad.

[00:45:16]

So that was another one. Anyway, I could go on, but we became good friends.

[00:45:21]

My impressions are either OK or bad when I do my part. I did. I do the Paul McCartney thing. And it's not when I do my One-Man show. And it's not to do the impression because it's not that good. It just to tell the story. I don't even know what it meant really.

[00:45:35]

Well, here's my my theory on that. Like real impressionists like Frank Caliendo that do certain things he does Morgan Freeman, like, really it's beyond an impression. I mean, it's not even right. It is just it's your impression of the guy. I mean, it can be really loosely joined. I could teach you how to do it. Everything's a question. Did you go to the store? Yeah, I went through the store. It is.

[00:45:59]

Go on.

[00:46:01]

You didn't go. I don't know what he did, really. I didn't know to would be alive.

[00:46:05]

You need your one man show and I'll just give you the line because I'm a I can do library.

[00:46:09]

Really. All my directors have to come on the set and just say shut up, shut up lo say the line like this and I say, we'll say it for me. I do this with Aaron Sorkin on The West Wing. I'd say Aaron just say it for me and he'd say it and I just say it like that and that was the end.

[00:46:24]

Well so here's the line. A writer like that. Yeah, you're the right. You hear it. So tell me I'll do that.

[00:46:29]

Yeah. Here's the line I need for the one man show, OK? I don't even know what I meant. Take oh bloody bloody well. I didn't even know what I meant. Tanco bloody that just very. It's almost like it's just discovered a cave with a pirate. I don't even know what I meant. I don't know. It's remember that there's of pirates in the cave. Everything's a little bit of a cave. It extends Unamuno romance. And so Bulahdelah just discovered a cave to cave.

[00:47:04]

It's like a party in a cave. He's got his drawers down as though, you know, those are just all over the place.

[00:47:09]

You know, cover them up with the Scooba. You can make up words to him. He gets a scuba the club owners over the area, you know, and his bottom blong, you know, Wigley will be with his, you know, look where they were floating in the fifties, you know, just a moment before all of a sudden it's all this work legally right now. It was like, oh, oh, no, I know what I'm doing.

[00:47:36]

And from probably from a Hard Day's Night or something. I don't know. But yeah, you can do that. Just seen a pirate in a cave. I had a flashback.

[00:47:44]

You got that look in your eyes. See, I could see or he's got the Dana Carvey glint where you know you're fucking going down.

[00:47:53]

I that yeah. I was kind of trained to kill because I came from rough and tumble stand up and I didn't even know I was actually a sketch player there. I didn't have Groundlings in San Francisco.

[00:48:05]

So was standup. It's a dog eat dog. You know, you're following a super blue loud. The audience is drunk and shows your dick, this guy.

[00:48:14]

That's not bad. You know, this guy this guy was so how he was like a human tripod and he's just killing. So to survive in the clubs, you had to you had to kill. So when I got on SNL, I'd never done sketch comedy. In fact, the very first sketch I did when I had to stop myself, when the audience would laugh to look at the audience, I had to look at the other person. You know, I never done sketch.

[00:48:39]

So how what do you remember your audition for SNL? I had to.

[00:48:44]

I had one where Lorne Michaels saw me do standup, but a little cedar on the west side that Rosie O'Donnell was playing this little club called Igbos.

[00:48:55]

And I knew that I bombed so many times, three times, auditioned for SNL at the Comedy Store. I followed Kinnison, the ultimate killer stand up. Maybe the greatest of all time is in the conversation in his prime. I followed him at midnight with no mce in between. Just he levitated the room and then it's and now Danoff and they never got my name right. Dana Bano and I went up play the dead silence. And so when I came around again and Lorne Michaels was in town, I said, let me let him see me at.

[00:49:27]

Because it was a real, like, tight little club, wasn't a showbusiness club, so Rosie O'Donnell said, OK, make room. And so we were talking who will go on first? And I I'd never met Rosie, but she even then she just seemed like incredibly confident. So I said, maybe I'll open, you know, but I got to do 40 minutes instead of five, so and I was in pretty good shape. But Lorne, right as I went on, I saw Lorne Michaels come in to the room with Brandon Tartikoff, the head of the network, NBC at the time.

[00:49:57]

And then to top it off was Cher. So the three, the trio sat down and there's a tiny room. I could see their faces and now we're gonna come back.

[00:50:07]

Well, we'll come off and entertain you and I that was my first audition.

[00:50:12]

And then I did one where you just stood in front of Lorne and like Nora Dunn and Dennis Miller and two other people. And that one was I guess I got Jim Carrey went in and put his foot. He put his foot behind his neck and dance.

[00:50:26]

I go, he's that well, I was like, well, hire him. What are you crazy? You know?

[00:50:31]

But I did I did get it. But probably from a combination of the two.

[00:50:36]

Dana, I don't think that people should use their bodies for laughs. I think it's cheap.

[00:50:42]

Dana, we've seen the chopping broccoli. Could you play anything else?

[00:50:47]

Was he able to kind of push you a little bit to see do you have a phrase that you thought of, like a wisdom, like a Rob Lowe wisdom that you think is your own, but you're not sure? Because I have two of them. I can give you an example of mine. Yeah, please. It would be like. Children give more than they take. And they take everything, and that's really good, your peace of mind, because you're tethered by a string with what if they didn't see that one coming?

[00:51:24]

That's a really good one. And the near greats rule the world. Lou, is that mine the near great it's rule the world, because I had to figure out how people because I always thought the funniest or the most talented or the best would then be the richest and most successful in show business. But then I just saw and I mean it politically and all kinds of imagine that people would run for office if it wasn't destroy your family all across the board.

[00:51:55]

You know how people intersect and stuff. So I just thought that as I looked at it, I thought, well, the new greats rule the world. So if you're really if you're great, it's almost a handicap because being great always means being ahead of your time.

[00:52:11]

Yeah, by definition, to be great, you need to be ahead of your time and and to to to be accepted. Right. And to be accepted by the masses. You can't put. Most people out of their own experience. Mm hmm. Yeah, that it's it's become different. When I came through, you know, it was just Kevin Nealon and I were offered a handsome Frons commercial for Nike. We were going to do the actual first campaign of just do it.

[00:52:42]

So it was just do it, do that kind of thing.

[00:52:44]

And Lauren called me up and Lauren changed to but he said, I just don't think it's what we do. It's not it's not part of our you know, and then ten years later, we had Conehead oven mitts and the SNL merchandising store, which I get it, you know, I turned down a lot of commercials, a lot of things. You know, I was thinking more like a Bob Dylan or something. I mean, I'm fine financially, but it is funny how it it shifted to branding, came up and then leveraging your brand, keeping your brand out there, being treating yourself in a good way as a product and a brand and then leveraging it monetarily, asymmetrically, wherever you can.

[00:53:26]

I think it's a more honest way to do it. So but it did shift from I was still kind of from the 60s in some some fashion.

[00:53:34]

You know, you can't you can't picture George Carlin accepting an endorsement deal, but it's it's really, really like you. I've seen the business change in the way people are perceived. I remember when it was beneath a movie star to do any publicity. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were just like when I the other day I just happened upon a Gene Hackman story and I thought, OK, there was a guy who just was in the movies, I think pretty much all the way through, and you just never saw him anyplace else.

[00:54:09]

So there was that mystique to it. But now it just changed. I don't think I think maybe it's better. I don't have any thing negative to say about it. I think it's more freeing, though. Yeah, I think it's better now. It's more freeing.

[00:54:23]

I mean, listen, we live in a world where when you win an Academy Award, the next move is you are now the next person in the Marvel franchise. That's what it is. Yes. And and or you win an Academy Award and you now are the face of Chanel.

[00:54:41]

Yeah. And that's what it is. That's that's the world we live in. And it's it's not it's just it's not good. It's not bad. It's just different. And so that would have been unthinkable. There's no way Dustin Hoffman wins the Oscar for Tootsie and then does Carcamo, it's not happening. It's not going to happen. I think it's more honest. Yeah, and it's like it's all good. It's more honest in a way, because if you're in on the fence about doing a movie because you're not so sure the script is right and you're maybe not so sure about the director, but it's good money and maybe there's a co-star, someone in it that you kind of like, that the commercial is just the commercial, like it's not your work.

[00:55:22]

You know, even Paul Newman did a Super Bowl commercial on a little motorcycle. Then it became Vogue. That was the first breaking of the ice. Just do a Super Bowl Super Bowl commercial, which I got a couple of those with Lovett's Johnny Lovett's Johnny and Me.

[00:55:38]

Love it. Can I tell you one funny story? He'll listen to this, but he'll laugh. So we're doing a Super Bowl commercial in Miami. We have we have fifty one second shots. We go in a trailer. They have two hundred Hawaiian shirts. We're both could be in Hawaiian shirts. I mean, one hundred two hundred Hawaiian shirts. And they're all one size fits all, the kind of baggy. And so I go in, I get a white shirt and I come out and I'm sitting there waiting for John and bleachers.

[00:56:02]

We're in some football stadium. One second shot. John's in there like a half hour. Forty five minutes ago. Get your what's he doing? He comes out, he's got no Hawaiian shirt on.

[00:56:10]

He points at mine, says, can I wear that one hundred shirts. I like that one. That was, that was that really made me laugh. He'll hear this and go that. Well he knows it's true.

[00:56:26]

How would how would Paul McCartney wrap this podcast up?

[00:56:30]

Well, you know, we went to you know, we went downtown and we went back and time and a time machine, we got Mickey Rooney, John Nicholson, the people. You know, if you're younger, if you're from a younger generation, you can look it up on Wikipedia. You know, it's like an encyclopedia, you know, people could add things to. And then, you know, they talk to about the greats through the world and this and that.

[00:56:52]

And they went round and round and got scared. But a ghost who's going to go see on television, that was more riveting than anything else. You know, it was flushable. You can watch it in pieces. You know, they didn't turn to save the world, Dr. Falchi, and talk to books, the real superstars. But just people people on Zoome talking about nothing. Just rushing about nothing. Oh, they seem spaced out at least half the time, looking for something to go to.

[00:57:24]

But it's all right. It's all right. They're not science is trying to come up with a vaccine, but to tell people in show business going, oh, you, oh, you.

[00:57:34]

Well, you don't want to do this. You know him. Oh, did too.

[00:57:38]

So it was all right. Oh feel well so long.

[00:57:44]

Whatever they say over the cliff.

[00:57:47]

I'm going to go kashkashian. It's a little bit of both.

[00:57:51]

So that's it. I'm back to you with your hand in Wayne's World basement. Same thing. Fucking God damn you. You made my hands sweat. That's right. I remember this now my you are the only person who can make me laugh to my hands.

[00:58:06]

Sweat cheese. That's interesting. Wow. That's your that's your near greatest ruled the world.

[00:58:14]

All right. All right. I love your car. I love you. We'll talk soon for sure.

[00:58:19]

Leave meeting. Or I'm going to try to do what I learned. We'll know to. It's all over now, now I got them at. I had it when Dana was talking to me about it, I had it will know who to think, just Dana Carvey. Now, that sounds like a Valley girl, that's a disaster. Anyway, I want to thank Dana Carvey. He was amazing, as always. I hope you guys enjoyed it as much as I do.

[00:58:48]

Or you guy or you girl. Because I don't think you're like putting this on a speaker showing in front of a group of people, you're like in your car somewhere, wherever you are. Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for listening. We have more to come.

[00:59:04]

You have been listening to literally with Rob Lowe, produced and engineered by me, Devon Tory Bryant, executive produced by Rob Lowe for low profile Adam Sachs and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Stitcher. The supervising producer is Aaron Blair's talent producer, Jennifer Sampas. Please write and review the show on Apple podcast and remember to subscribe on Apple podcast, Stitcher or wherever you get your pockets. I'm so glad to have Atkins' joining us as partners on the show.

[00:59:43]

I've been working with Atkins' now for a couple of years. I've been eating the Atkins way for many, many years, probably starting in my mid 30s when I looked at a photo of myself in US magazine is not a good day. It was they did one of those like where they put the, like, telestrator on you. And I think I remember I was at the beach with my my great friend Bill Paxton that time, and I walked out of the water and Bill Paxon was like, God damn, buddy, you got a gun.

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