Transcribe your podcast

Yo, we're recording. Wow. Welcome to the podcast. I'm sure you've already noticed my sick ass fucking Drake pants. Not a big deal.


I didn't know they were Drake pants.


Yes, dude, these are Drake pants.


Dude, that's fucking oh, now I see the NOCTA.


Come on, bro. You numb. This was a drunk purchase that I those are nasty regret as soon as I put them on.


No, this is proof of the singularity. All worlds are coming together.


Like a fat fool walked outside. Somebody yelled that at me.


No, I doubt it. Giant fat fool. Some guy drive by.


You fat fool. Hey, I said you get off my I said keep it moving. This is a neighborhood.


Nobody yells out of cars anymore.


Doesn't happen. I just watched drive by insults on YouTube. It's still hilarious. It holds up. It's so fucking funny.


I mean, especially when you do them in real life.


We did it for a while.


Dude, I spent my whole high school.


Years doing that movie movie theater lines. Yeah.


What was the movie theater? Oh, yelling.


People waiting outside the movie theaters, just yelling at yell at them.


Yeah. I mean, even just a classic quick driving by and just be like, bitch.


Yeah, you can still do it.


Yeah, true. Although that'd be such a funny thing to get caught doing such a funny thing.


Trouble getting arrested for it.


Fat bitch.


Yeah, keep it moving, you fat bitch. That'd be fun. Calling guys pussies. Pussy.


Fuck you, pussy. Yeah, it just activates a dude's lizard brain right away. If you're driving, especially through a college town, you're like pussy. You see four dudes, like the fucking invisible enemies all around them like that.


Activated the O combat when we were in Florida State. Fucking pissed me off.


Someone called him pussy.


Yeah, some fucking frat dude from his top balcony. We were walking to the no end game, and some dude was like, you guys are fucking gay. You guys look like fucking Biden voters. And I was like and then they were making fun of me for being pale, which is actually kind of they.


Could have from the frat.


Yeah, jacked frat dudes with their fucking gay ABS from a balcony yelling down to us. And Chris was like, you're white too. I was like, shut the fuck up, Chris. You're making it worse. Don't respond.


Yeah, I don't know that I'd be able to let that go.


I'd have to be something funny back. You'll be like, hey, you're.


Mean it's a classic. Didn't you guys all have to fucking blow each other to get in your club? Your little friend club?


You would have yelled something insane back.


You guys paid money for friends, anything.


Speaking of Florida State frats, there's an Instagram group that I've been staring at like a psycho in the dark.




Got to show you these boys one of these kids. Look, I don't want to make fun of the guy because he's young, but for sure it is.


You know what? That might have to be like the new thing that we do now that we're elders of just completely flaming young dudes. Because we used to cut their penises open and make them put their finger through their penis now so we can make fun of their account. There was rites of passage back in the day.




So I feel like any young man's instagram is totally open to public ridicule and shame. Bro, what are they doing? Get ready with your boy with the get ready with your boy for the gym. I know that was a lot of get ready with you. Get ready with your boys boys and this, that. But we're going to go with the pink cow kilker shorts start off. Oh, no, it's chest day, so I'm excited. We're throwing some white socks, but I.


Know they're probably does. He does. Get ready. Get ready. Yeah. It gets worse. Him and his boys. Him and his boys constantly dress up like army guys at parties.


They steal valor. That's kind of tough. No, dude.


Fucking get it, dude.


Dude, that's like I don't get it. Yeah, that's like been on Adderall since birth. Shit, man.


They're at a party. The dudes, they're wearing bulletproof vests and camo pants. There's nothing wrong with that. Also, obviously, there's a fucking college check, dude. Not a big deal.


Yeah. Are they ROTC guys?


I don't think dude, what do you think of what you just saw?


I don't know, dude. It's like fucks me up.


We're definitely old. Yeah, I think that would fuck up anybody to see. Yeah, but we're getting old enough where I can't I used to see like, a kid being a douche, and I'd be like, all right, I see what he's going for.


You understand it?


I can't comprehend no, dude. Dudes wearing army outfits.


Yeah, man. There's dudes now. So we escaped. Our personalities formed pre internet. There's dudes whose personality has like, a serious molding effect or the Internet has like, a serious molding effect on their entire personality. And it's like they're like being shaped. They see TikToks and they're like, yes, this is what me and my boys do. He has a fucking catchphrase. He's twelve. He has a fucking catchphrase. And he's like, I'm going to get ready with you. Get ready, boy. I'm going to get ready, boy. It's like it's nonsense.


Thank God we had South Park. That's all we had. Yeah, just South Park.


Dude, this is Adderall. And then your mom telling you you're handsome for your whole life, dude. And your dad's just away on business.


I will say those are handsome boys, dude. They are handsome boys have fucking ABS and are tan. And that fucking TikTok haircut, they're shredded.


But dude, one day they'll be our age and they're going to have to go. Get ready with your get ready boys. They'll be like, shut the fuck up. Don't bring that up. Don't bring up the kids. Ready with your get ready boy?


Holy fuck.


Yeah, man.


I mean, that's catastrophic.




That's like a life changing disaster to be posting that.


Dude, it's like everyone's they're getting, like.


Child although, I mean, again, we're doing it true.


At least our stuff has depth.


Dude, our stuff is so deep. That's the difference.


But dude, imagine, like, they're getting, like, child starbrain for no reason. They're just bringing child starbrain onto themselves. And then it's, you know I don't know. I mean, I guess they're fucking ladies and getting no.


I fell into a deep boy hole the other night. And while I was in that deep boy hole rooting around, that kid made another video where he was, like, saving himself for marriage. He loves Jesus.


That guy specifically.




Yeah, but dude, that's become, like a new hot guy ploy.


I think the boys are into, like, edging now.


We're getting somewhere. If you're telling me these kids aren't coming now, I'm totally with the militia. The sexy militia.


Good. Sexy militia.


Dude, we're a sexy militia. We're just trying to show people our ABS.


Show our ABS work out. Don't fuck never.


Fucking yeah, but they're going to end up kissing each other. Dude. That's the problem.


That is a breeding ground, dudes. Kissing.


Because they're getting like you're watching TikTok.


You're like, yeah, we live together with dudes in Philly. I came close to kiss I almost kissed Beezer.


Yeah. I mean, it happens.


Woodman would show his ABS. Woodman would be in that.


Dude, it was that whole house. The whole time was just us waking up with each other. Like, we can't seriously, dude. I know it's so tempting, but we can't. But if we were making that much content, we would have definitely kissed each. But yeah, being like in a content house. Dude, you know what? I just watched the I didn't watch all of it. I kind of fell asleep. I watched Jake Paul. Jake Paul is the boxer. I watched him on Aubrey Marcus's podcast, and he was explaining how he was like a young man in a content house. And he was like it just totally took over my entire personality. It's pretty wild.


Good for him.


Oh, dude. Yeah.


He's like being honest about it.


It was pretty tight. Him and Aubrey Marcus do, like, fucking toad venom together and shit and just fucking cry. It's tight. He's like, brother. Dude, the Arby Marcus podcast is my favorite thing in the world.


I've never heard of it.


It's just him talking about plant medicine journeys and him.


I would have seen it by now.


It's just him being like, the devil's real and being like, I've done so much fucking Ayahuasca. I know the devil's real. And people being like, dude, me too. I've done ayahuasca too. I know the devil's real. And I'm like, dude, I knew it was real this whole time. Yeah, but yeah, it was making me laugh. It was refreshing to see old fucking Paul just up there and being like, yeah, dude, I was a fucking dumbass.




Yeah. He's talking about his father being emasculated. He's like, I watched my father just lose everything.


What, to his mom?


No, not that. It was just I mean, probably too, but he just tried a business and it failed. And he's like he came to me when I was a young boy, and he's like just like beside himself. Like, I failed. We have to move. He's like, I just watched my father.


Being you can never tell your kids you failed.


No, you have to be like, turn down fucking lights.


Turn off that bullshit. We're moving to a smaller house.


Yeah. You can never do it.




Have to just be like, yeah, man.


Fucking that was like the whole point of Catch me if you can. You ever see that movie?




I don't remember him doing it in the beginning. His dad can't get a loan, shit like that.


Yeah, and he spazzes.


If you're a dad, you can't tell your kids you failed or let them see you fail. No, we've talked about it falling down in front of you. You're like when your dad gets drunk and falls, dude, what a loser.


You got to hide that from it's fucking jarring, dude. You see your dad fall when you're little? You're like, yo, what the fuck? That guy's supposed to be, like walking and stuff.


Janitor's set of keys falls out of his fucking light dungarees.


You learn he's just been chained to the school. The janitor key ring goes to the school. He can only go 50ft away from it. As far as I can come, son, good luck in your game. Yeah, dude. No, you have to just here's the thing. If you're a dad and shit's not going your way, you just identified an outside force and demonize it being like everything was going well within these motherfucking. X, Y, and Z. Fill in whatever you want. You know what I mean?


It could be anything.


Yeah, blame an outside force and then raise your kid to hate those people for no reason so that he holds you in high esteem. Yeah. Don't take that out.


That's the key. Yeah. It's the key to life for any good nation. This isn't our fault.


This is not our fault at all. We are the best.


We're actually the good guys again. In every conflict.




We're good again. Can you fucking believe it? I know.


And then we should just have the most. That's all. It's that simple.


We should have the most.


Yeah, man, but those kids will do all right, man.


They're going to be fine. Thankfully, they're wearing all that face paint.




Hopefully no one can identify them in a few years.


Yeah. The good thing behind that there is such a deluge of just fucking bullshit. That it'll just all wash out. I'll be like, yeah, I was just a hot AB guy for a while.


And I'm like, man, that's cool. Yeah, it's better than what I was doing. Yeah, true. I was just drunk, crying.


Yeah, but that comes with like, he squeezed. I'm not going to shit on this kid. But that does. I wouldn't be surprised if that stuff goes hand in hand with grabbing a girl's face as hard as you can.


And be like, fucking look me in the eye. It really does.


It does, dude. I see that and I go painting.


A very vivid picture. Every one of those dudes screams in women's faces.


Oh, dude. At some point it's just like, what the fuck? You can't do this to me.


Yeah, you can't do this to me. But again, I've been there too. I sent some fucking gay ass emails. I sent emails to the emails. I fucking miss you. I love you so fucking much.


Emails are a good venue for that, though.


It wasn't. They're out there somewhere. They're very embarrassing.


Yeah, but text is like not formal enough. You got to send them a night. That's like basically writing a letter.




They said breakup emails.


Jesus Christ. Oh my god. I'm thinking about the things I've sent.


I've never once thought about the holy oh, my god.


Oh my god. I've been like, oh my god. What is with nothing?


It is funny. That is something. That's funny, though, how it's not even like necessarily cancel culture, but at some point the media just started like cancel culture. Bro. The pendulum is swinging.




It's about to switch so quick.


It's going to swing like we're going to become fascist. It's going to swing so hard. We become a right wing nationalist.


We're just going to finally find a leader we all love in the door who's like a manifestation of divinity.


The next guy is going to look so good. Whoever's next.


I know.


After these two are out of the way.


Dude, it's still bizarre. How are we locked into this?


How is there no one else?


But what happens? They do it every year. They go, well, he's going to fuck up his chance if this guy runs. We need this guy because this guy's.


Got yeah, I was going to say the reason there's no one else is because the two parties make sure there's.


No one else talking about the duopoly.




RFK better break the duopoly. He better break he better break the duopoly, dude. Yeah. There's been like a maybe it always was a case because there always was scandals and media. But now they're like used to be like, you'd have to steal $10 billion and cheat on your wife. And they'd be like, hey, you know what's fucked up? Now they're like, this guy was mean. And everyone's like, yeah, he's fucking mean. Meanwhile, dude, I drive on the road. Everyone's being, fuck you.


Ellen DeGeneres was mean.


She was mean. Yeah, she got that was weird, too. She got canceled for being mean.


She must have been mean as fuck, dude.




Or it was a totally false accusation, but she must have been mean. Dude.


You gotta watch these assistants, dude.


Yeah, you gotta really watch Big Willie.


Style's dealing with a fucking whopper right now.


What's going on with Big Willie?


His assistant came out and was like, yo, he fucked Dwayne Way or Dwight Howard. Whatever. I get him confused. He's like, he fucked like his assistant just came out of nowhere and was like, yo, I saw him fuck Dwight. Why did he do that? I don't know. I was trying to figure it out. I'm like what's?


The fucking must have tried to extort him. Must have tried to blackmail him and dude.


Yeah, go for it.


I'm not paying you.


You can have that. Yeah, I'd be happy if fucking Will Smith fucked Dwight Howard just to stick it to his wife. His mean ass wife.


You said Will Smith fucked Dwight Howard.


Who's the one who keeps getting dwight.


Howard was one of the he's the.


Guy he's in hot water. He's busted. And then a guy came out and was just like, bro. Yeah, there's like a yeah, I've been avoiding it. I have the video about it. I want to delve in, but I'm.


Like, I don't want to I can't get involved.


It's too much on me emotionally. The whole slap at the Oscars threw me into an abyss for a while.


It did fuck up our entire country. It did, dude, the slap at the Oscars fucked this country up.


That was just like a weird I think that yeah, true. I mean, there was the Trump thing for real, like, ruined people's lives.




Slap at the Oscars were just like, that happened. And people just got, like, unsettled. Like, what?


Not the oscars. This is a fine institution.


It's not how you conduct yourself.


Not at the Oscars. No. Not in front of the entire cast.


Supposed to fake smile about empty inspirational.


Speeches and then some type of activist speech.


Yeah, dude, that was yeah, man. But yeah, dude, it is funny. The more I watch those anyone get in trouble for anything now it's like, yeah, I've done that. Anything that comes out, I'm like, oh, yeah, I've done that, too.


Shit, we're getting in trouble for that.


It was Dwight Howard. And he also slept with Diddy at the same time.


He's fucked Diddy and Will Smith at the same time.


That's what the article saying.


Boys can be players too, dude. Boys could totally be players, dude. That's kind of an accomplishment, taking down Diddy and Will Smith. Howard fuck diddy.


And Will Smith. Dude.


I think so. I mean, he fucked Diddy and Will Smith. Who's next?


I think that's the peak.


Every black conspiracy is just Jason eating babies than every entertainer having sex with Will Smith.


They're right, though.


I mean, dude, literally every famous black.


Person comes out and there is the black conspiracy that they're gay every time. And then it's actually this is like Alex Jones.


Yeah. I mean, Dwight Howard. They've been after I heard things.


Dwight was that's been ongoing for years.


And I heard years ago that Will Smith and would go to Dwight Howard mansion parties and swing. By the way, if you swing, this is just what happens if you get into swinging. You're going to do gay stuff. It's just going to happen. You're going to be like, yeah, dude, I'm going to have sex with so many ladies. Yeah. Then the dude's just going to start pushing your shoulders into your wife and you're like, thanks, bro.




And then he's just going to kiss you.


There's a third point of pressure that wasn't there a moment ago.


They describe it as murderous sex.


Murderous sex?


Who describes it?


The article on here. Will Smith on having murderous sex with these oh, there's a few men on here, actually.


Why is it murderous? That's?


What? I don't know.


That's how they described it.


What's the website?





They could have just went with Sports online. It's a little redundant, folks.




We need to start white sports online.


Also. They could just be blacks. It could just be It's online, obviously.


Yeah, true.


[00:17:18] What's? That's got to be Will Smith kissing Yeah. I've never visited


It's got to be sick, dude.


It's got to be just tennis balls.


Is there


There is a, but it just goes to a blank page that says.


Oh, that dude's sitting on the fucking hyperlink.


That's all it says.


Sports. Fuck yeah, dude.


It's a good website.


We need to hit him up for a sponsorship. This episode is brought to you by Sports.


Yeah, this episode is brought to you entirely by just Sports in general.

[00:17:51] and also blacksportsonline.


Black sports online.


Http sports on the internet Full vicious rumors going around.


Murderous sex murder.


I still want to sex. I mean, as a journalist, that's like losing journalistic credibility. Unless he's talking about those cheeks clapping.


There'S literally describing it as like destructively gay. Powerfully gay. That would be I mean, Dwight Howard's a monster. Yeah, we saw him.


We did.


We saw him against Oklahoma City Thunder that day. Yeah, he was very sleepy couple. You remember that? Sleepy couple.


Now I know why.


They're probably destructively plowed.


They probably got Dwight dogged out, dude.


Oh, my god. Dwight probably had his way with them. He was huge. Dude, dwight Howard is fucking it is.


There is something kind of like uncanny about a dude that big being gay.




Just like the sheer scale of his gay sex is just nothing to do with being gay. It's just like man, it strikes fear.


Into us honest, CIS men.




If I think about what he could do to me. I go.


Yeah. Gay Giant.


I shudder six. He's 610.


It would change your life, dude.


Yeah. It would alter you physically for a while, dude.


Imagine you're in a pool and his wingspan is coming at you, and you're so scary, and he just wraps you up like a fucking anaconda.


You go, Dwight, let me breathe.




Dwight, please. For real.


Dwight. Diddy, what the hell are you doing here? Oh, shit.


Big Willie. What the hell? Did he pops out?


Diddy's been on some weird now we've.


Got a stew going.




You get all those boys in the pot now we've got a stew going right now.


I'm going to start writing for


Yeah, it'd be easy.


Just making shit up.


Totally make stuff up.


I saw just yeah, meek Mill's slipping into Kanyeville. Dude.


I saw that interview about testosterone.


I didn't see that. I've been watching his tweets whenever dudes start being like, I'm sick of these 300 page contracts. It's time for us. It's like, dude, you're slipping.


The contracts are big.


The contracts are bullshit. I get it.


The contracts I just have to trust the guys.


Yeah, for sure.


You have to trust those guys.


Your stones throw away. Once you start talking about the contracts, it's like, yeah, for sure, dude. Fucking do a new contract. Once you start being like, These contracts are bullshit, it's like, yeah, dude. Yeah, they probably are.


Money stuff's bullshit, too. I don't know anything about money stuff.


Yeah, it's really confusing, man.


They make it confusing.




Otherwise, half these people don't have jobs. The whole point is just to make it so they have to be able to be they're the only ones that can read this fucking document.


Yeah, you need, like, a finance lawyer. The finance stuff makes no sense. And then you get guys who will sell you finance products where you're like they're like, yeah, dude, this is the shit. And then you look at it and they're making, like, 12% commission. You're like, well, this sucks for me, actually. Yeah, that's, like, the haziest realm of all. And a lot of the dudes who sell financial products have no real background in financial. They don't understand how the products work, so they're given, like, products to sell, and they're just making a bunch of money. And the whole thing is, like them being like, yeah, this is a good investment. A lot of it either.


Yeah, that's where I lose.


And it cannot pan out.


I don't understand the economy.


Yeah, I don't understand. Nobody does.


I don't understand anything, dude.


What I've heard is you buy stocks that pay dividends, and you buy them in companies that have paid dividends as long back as, like, through the Great Depression dividends. And just like, these guys paid through the Great Depression, but then usually you're buying them that are like they're tied to they're, like, buying up lakes now. So you have to pick a team.


You got to get in.


You have to pick a team. Okay. Nestle can have the lakes. Just taking the lakes a month.


Flint's not getting water. Nestle is getting the lake. That's a good deal. Whoever the guy who owns the lake is a quality deal. Yeah. I mean, I'll sell you that fucking lake.


That's a good one. Yeah. They keep saying Bill Gates is buying up all the farmland. It's like shit, man.


Good call.


What's he going to do with it? Dude, if Gates controls all the food.


Better not control my fucking although bezos.


He owns Amazon, so maybe he'll have like a billionaire food battle.


That'd be good.


Yeah. Also just like then you buy the food, dude. You buy the food.


Buy all the food.


He's buying all the farmland. It's like, okay, get on a start farming, not bitching about it. Yeah, don't not farm and be bitching about the farmlands, dude.


Couldn't agree more.


Although people could swoop in. I don't know. Again, I'm out of my depth. Is there some farmers out there going like, dude, Gates came to me with the ultimate offer. What the fuck do you want me to do?


You have to maybe he'll start robo farming. It'd be so nice to get the offer. You can stop fucking farming.




I mean, I'm sure a lot of them find it peaceful, but I've seen those you fucking chicken farms so hard.


Well, then you either merge with machine and then it's just like you come out to just a Sci-Fi horror all day of just like a machine lopping chickens heads off. And you have to just sit there and be like, all right, what do I got going on today?


It's just listen to life on the farm is kind of laid back, just tossing animals into a meat grinder. Good Lord.


You open just a small cube and there's just chickens. Like.


Yeah, it goes straight to me. They just throw them in there. And then I'm sitting there with a delicious plate of buffalo chicken wings.


I want to get into that, though, of like, study a restaurant where it's like, this is all GMO. The chickens have the least possible legal space to move. This is the most efficiently farmed foods you can think of because every restaurant is like farm to table. I want to have pictures of just like a commercial industrial farm set up.


Where chickens all over every wall. Chickens are just squashed in to gloomy factory. Just headless cows.


That would be nice, dude, having the slaughter floor.


That'd be a sick steakhouse on the slaughter floor.


It's like clear windows and you're just eating steaks and you're just watching them just go you're going, oh, yes.


The slaughterhouse reminds me. I tried to watch Blade on the plane.


How was that?


It was a huge mistake. Guy gets fucking head in the first scene. What? I was sitting next to people on Blade. Like a freak dude.


Dude. Yeah.


Guy was getting head in the beginning.


How graphic of the head scene was it?


It was pretty wild. He was kissing a girl, and another girl was sucking his dick.




Yeah, I did one of those, like, shit, I'm watching porn up here. Anyway, I didn't mean to throw that off.


No, not at dude, that's that terrifies me of people watching me watch because I'm judging everybody.


I'm on the plane going, everybody's watching superhero movies.


Yeah, true.


We're fucked.


Yeah, those things are pretty bad.


The Bill Gates food, he supplies McDonald's with all the potatoes for all their French fries.


Fuck. I heard Russia was, like, big on that, too. Russia has this black soil that's I think Ukraine, too, that's, like, so rich that it grows potatoes like none other. But yeah. So Bill Gates supplies McDonald's. He's the plug.


A hundred.


Circle Farms is where they buy it from. Bill Gates owns the farms that gives the potatoes to them.


He's growing potatoes?




You can see the potato farms from space.


It says, who the fuck's looking at potato farms from space? Also, they grow underground. There they are. I see the potato farm.




Fucking so they're just gigantic potato farms.


Yeah, just huge circles of potato farms.


They better not fuck with potatoes, dude. They fuck with weed now. I can't eat that now. They fuck my potatoes up. I'm going to be pissed.


Also, giving an empire like Bill Gates access to our potatoes. Our people have done this before. Our people. True. If Bill Gates decides to take all the potatoes and sell them somewhere else.


And we start fucked yeah.


And everyone's like, oh, you needed potatoes.




They make fun of us instead of acknowledging our genocide.


That'd be bullshit. And then they enslave us again. That'd be fucking bullshit.




Also, I wonder and I don't want to speculate wildly, but I wonder if Bill Gates is saying he's doing a potato farm, but he's really growing Cabbage Patch Kids.


Remember that? Remember when people were fist fighting over those fucking things on Christmas?


Well, he was at the island.


I wanted a Cabbage Patch doll.


BG was at the island so many.


Times, my family never got a cabage.


Cabbage Patch doll.


They wanted one, dude.


Wait, you guys a cabbage patch? Yeah.


The cabbage patch one that people were going insane over? No. It was Tickle Me Elmo.


No. Yeah, cabbage patch. Cabbage patch.




Cabbage patch. Were they hot?


My sisters actually had a cabbage patch.


I was about to say they were. Yeah.


I would go inside and I would kiss it at night. I was too young.


Weren't Cabbage Patch babies just, like, little babies that were, like, laying on the ground? What was their whole origin story? They had, like, plants on their head or something.


They would grow out of a cabbage, of course. And then yeah, this.


Could be what Bill Gates is growing BG's growing cabbage. Island's done. He's going, we need a fresh batch of children.


Yeah, that really fell away really quickly.


Epstein's island.


Epstein's island stuff.


Yeah, that was the only traction that's ever gotten is dudes on podcasts going, how about that?


That was weird.


No one cares.


Well, dude, no, he got jammed up by a reporter being like, why did you keep talking to him like you knew he was a pedophile? And he was like, well, he's dead.


Well, he's dead now.


Yeah, he's dead now.




Jeez, that must feel good, though, to be a billionaire and be like, yeah, you know he's dead, right?




I'd be like, yeah, you're right, actually.


You weren't there.


You didn't do any weird shit at the island.


You know that guy you're talking about? Talk about fucking gone now. But yeah, go ahead. Keep asking me about him. I'd be like, nah, you got it, bro. How about all those potatoes you got?


That is kind of cold.


That's top g real cold.


Truly top g's.


Top g ship. God damn. I can't believe how much I've come around on Andrew.


He's quiet now.


He is a little quiet, but I'm still getting clips. I'm into the hot dude algorithm.




And it's pretty good.


Yeah, dude. Fucking dude.


Speaking of, it was actually on the same flight I was watching Blade. I got a friend of mine sent me a vine or a reel of him saying he chugs water all at once. And I had just gotten done doing that. Anytime I get one of those little bottles on a plane, I chug the whole thing. And then sometimes it takes longer than I think it's going to. And I chug for, like, a very long time. And I just must look like a fucking I must look insane. I chug my glass watching Blade. Chugging water as hard as you can. It's fucking out of control.


Yeah. I drink so much water on flights at, like, the sleep like five different.


Times, I wake up chugging water. My mouth has never been more open than it is. I don't know what I think. It's because it's the only time I sleep sitting.


And there's just vampires. 69 vampires.


69 on my screen. I have glasses on, and I'm going to wake up and go, yeah. Oh, man.


I drink enough water to where the stewardesses? They'll be like, wow, that's after I get done. Like, you drank a lot of I just keep ordering them because they come back.


Can I have another one?


You turn their stuff down. They get kind of butthurt if you're like, I'm good.


I've been snacks and shit.


Yeah, I'm like I'm good. And they're like, well, they get kind.


Of like, as many as you want. It's all right. I didn't pay for the fucking roasted pistachios.


I know I'm good. I don't want it. So usually I'll be like, yeah, just keep giving me water. And they keep coming back. And I'm like, yeah, I guess I could have more water. And they're always like, you drank a lot. Yeah, thanks, babe.


Obviously, lady, hydrating up. I am hydrated.


But yeah, dude, that's why I tell them. I say, well, when you're this close.


To the sun yeah, you should put on sunscreen.


No, I'm talking to her. Talking about her. I'm saying, I'm this close to the sun. Just buttering up the 50 year old lady. I had a bad interaction with the 50 year old lady last night when I did the Bucket show. The lighting made her look like a serious senior citizen. Oh, no. And I was like, oh, you've been around since the Depression. And she's like, I'm 50 fucking five. And I was like, oh, shit. I was like, you do. And I took a step back and I was like, yeah, you know what? I was like, It's just the lighting. And I was like, and you do have that old ass dumb ass haircut. Yes.


I missed it. Damn, you were going wild.


I've been doubling down. I came across a fucking all respect, I came across a one armed man in my travels as well. He was leaning against the wall like this, and I thought he had his arm in a sling. Dude, five minutes into a fucking set, this dude had an arm in a sling sitting against the wall. And he yelled out like twice. And I was like, Ha.


Second time he yelled out twice.


Well, I was like, I didn't know what I was like, what did you say? And he was just like it was just like when people yell a thing out and you're like, oh, that makes no sense. I was like, okay.




Then I just looked and I was like, the fuck's up with your arms? I thought he had broke it. I thought he broke it. I thought it was in a sling. And he just went like I went, oh, shit. You don't have it? And he was like, no. And I was like, oh, fuck.


How'd he lose it? Did you ask him?


I talked to him afterwards. Car accident. Like, long time ago. Oh, fuck, yeah, dude, it was five minutes in. I was just like, fuck. I couldn't stop thinking about it.


Yeah, it's bad.


Talked to him afterward. He was the man, but you have to double down.


Ran into a one armed man and.


Made fun of him for not having an arm. Dude, I specifically said, what the fuck's up? I thought he broke it and was like, in a sling in his shirt. And I was like, what the fuck's up with your arm?


Any adult breaking their arms? Hilarious. What were you doing? How'd you break your arm?


And I said he was a good sport about it because I kept being like, I don't know. I forget what I said. I was like, well, if you want to keep the other one, I suggest you shut the fuck up. You have to double down and then apologize profusely afterwards and then regret it.


As soon as no one else in the crowd laughs. Yeah, I'm sorry, everybody.


Yeah, especially the coming right out. I've been doing that a lot lately. I got to stop. I got to shut up.


You forget.


I mean, dude, when you're flying so high creatively, you forget and you just.


Go it is such a creative endeavor.


It is.


Talking about jacking off literally the first every night. Talking about jizzing every night.


You have to dude, you have to.


Talk about jizzing, dudes.


Forget about it. They get so locked up with stuff. They forget about jizzing. They forget about fun.


Forget about how fun it is to talk about jizzing with friends.


It's the best.




Then your girlfriend has to hear people talking jizzing, and then she eventually breaks the ice melts and she's like, yeah, jizzing does a rule. Yeah, I want jizz on me.


Can I jizz on you?


It's a big jizz commercial. So like, dudes can maybe stand up.


As a jizz commercial. Yeah. This reminds me of my this is not funny, but sorry to everybody trying to buy tickets, dude. Oh, yeah, scalpers go wild. I set my tickets prices as low as I can. Yeah, the lowest by a lot of anybody doing touring. And yeah, scalpers keep getting them, dude.


And the fucked up thing is they.


Bothers me because then somebody pays $300 to see me up there talking about jizzing.




Then I feel bad.




But whatever.


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Geez, dude.


We're back. Sorry. We're talking a little inside baseball about the edges.




And how fucking lame scalpers are. It's fucking bullshit, bro. Makes me feel bad.


It makes me feel what's their penalty?


20 years in jail? No, that's totally legal. It's totally legal.


They can't stand outside and sell them. Doesn't a cop punch you in the stomach?


It's legal to scalp now.






Someone decrimmed it.


Yeah. I was told truthfully that one of my only options was to write to my congressman.


For real?


Because I was like, why don't you guys fucking regulate this?




Make it so if somebody buys a ticket online, they can't resell it for more. That has to be the easiest program possible to make.


That's actually really easy.


Why not make that? And they're like, it's illegal.


Free market.




Capitalism, bro.


Elon Musk tried to do that with the cyber truck. $50,000 if you sold it within the first year.


What do you mean?


He would sue the owner. They would have to pay 50 grand if they sold it within the first year.


Oh, because they buy the cyber trucks up and then they would flip them.


Yeah. But they had to take it out because legally he could not do that.


Damn. So dudes just bought up fleets of cybertrucks? What the hell? What do the cybertrucks do? Are they, like, electric?


Yeah. Yeah. Damn. You can't shoot an arrow through them. Rogan proved that. Shot a fucking bone arrow at it.


Did it bounce off?




Why are they so error resistant?


They made them, like, bulletproof.


Why are you preparing for fucking sick as hell? He's going to go to war with Bill Gates, obviously, for the potatoes. That would be tight. Yeah. Why can't we just not have a president who, like, whatever billionaire we're behind kind of supports us. feudally. What do you think we have, dog. True. But they should just come out and we're the top ballers. Like, fuck these guys. We have the most money.


I think they essentially have yeah, it's it's right there.




But then they have these the government's like, you have to listen to Pfizer.




All right. Obviously, Pfizer's.


But they should come out and just be like they should come on emergency broadcast and be like, I am your overlord fuck.


They don't have to.


True. Yeah.


They're just doing it.


They can trick you into being a bad person.


It was a fucking bad joke. What else is going on? Matthew, dude, I got to tell you, I lifted with The Rock yesterday.


Dude. How was that? That guy's awesome. That's awesome.


I feel like such a fool. Here's the thing. Yeah. I made fun of The Rock a while ago. My bad on that.




Of course that clip exists on the Internet. Nobody clips me two years ago going, I was wrong. The Rock's.




That clip's not out there. It's just me going like, fuck the rock. Fucking work it out. Fuck that.


He was flexing in your face.


I was hungover. I was in a hotel room. He was flexing in my fucking face, talking about clanging and banging in the Iron Paradise. And I was he wouldn't care.


He's like, Dude, you're in the Iron Army now. Dude. Don't even care.


I joined the iron pair. I was in the iron parade. Now that have seen the light of the paradise. Dude, he is massive. He is huge, dude.


Yeah. That's fucked up to see him in person, because he's got to be dude, I had guys from and he was the coolest dude.


He was, like, a nice, sweet guy. Yeah, he was cool, dude, I had.


Guys from Wisconsin's football team come out to a show and like, dude, I wanted to stand on a box. They were all six five.


It's fun when the big boys come, right?


It's nice. I just took a picture and shook hands, and I was like, Jesus.


Fucking fucking tiny hands.


Like a girl. I felt like a girl, dude.




So he was the man. He was the absolute beast.


Was one of the coolest people I've ever met. That's awesome. As far as just being nice.




Yeah, he was awesome. We were sitting in the sauna, dude.


I got to watch The Rock. You got to watch him sweat?


Yeah, sitting across my body. His body were just staring.


You should have caught I mean, I know I got to stop being gay about him, but you should have caught, like, a thimble of his sweat and just fucking went.


It didn't cross my mind.


Dude, don't be weird about this. You've been so cool the whole time. Let me just consume.


Can I have some of your sweat?


Give a thimble of your sweat.


Yeah. We were just talking. He was asking about comedy, about how what was the first bit you did that you knew you could do? Stand up. No, that's good. Because for him, it was promos in wrestling. And he was like the first one I did. And it was funny. The way he talked was like, I didn't know. And he was like, one of the things I used to do is I would say, what's your name? And then I would say, It doesn't matter what your name is. And I was like, yeah, dude, I remember. It doesn't matter. What your name?


That shit. Fucking he did, dude. He was kind of now you bring that up. He was a genius with that. Of like, gibroni it doesn't matter.


I said, like that was the first thing I said. I was like, Gibroni caught on. He said that was the iron cheek. That was one of the iron cheeks. Oh, they said yeah, he would say gibroni to the iron cheeks. He took the iron cheek tight. But yeah, it was like him talking.


About like, it doesn't matter was dude that hit dude so hard.


Extreme. Like mankind. Or like those guys that would jump off the ropes and go through a table and shit. So he was like, I didn't want to do that, so I needed to get good at promos.


Good call.


And he was like, that's how I did it.


Yeah. And they gave he was also yeah, he was fucking Jacked Does. He had to make up his own finisher, too. Is that like a thing you sit and brain?


Probably. The rock bottom was so nice.


Rock bottom was tight.


It was very easy to do to little brothers.


And the people's elbow.


People's elbows.


I mean, dude, anytime someone was laying down, it was just real quick.


Yeah, people's elbows.




I got into a mandible claw. That was a fucking stick my hand in people's mouth. That was a fucked up real fucked up.


The Stunner was also that's a visionary. Yeah, that's a visionary move, dude. Kick to the gut. Of course I'm going forward. And it's like, Where's he going? Oh, shit.


No, now my neck's broken. Curbsomped myself on his shoulder. Whatever.


I just fell over there's.


Fuckers and everything.


Now this guy pulled me forward.


Yeah. Anyway, that was cool.


That's fucking awesome. Yeah, you told me that yesterday. And I was going, what the fuck?


Yeah. And then Rogan posted a photo of it and I was standing way too close to the camera. I looked fucking it's awesome. It's very embarrassing.


That's fucking sick. You should get someone to set you up like that.


You can do it if you take a step forward and every I didn't do it on purpose. It was an accident. But you can easily do that.


I might start doing it.


I've accidentally done it in several pictures.


Fucking nice.


Especially when you're in a group and it kind of bows.




And then I tried my best to avoid the outside because I literally look like I take up half the photo. It looks like I'm the size of, like, three other people next to me.


That's pretty tight.


Never flattering.




Read every comment on that Rogan picture. It's like, holy shit. Shane's fucking gigantic.


Yeah, but that rules to be fucking mogging. The whole squad, dude. From the photo.


Did I ever talk about the Indian bots getting me? No.


Oh, you what the fuck was it?


Was just a wave, dude. Somebody must have sicked them on me. Who? I don't know. Some evil motherfucker must have contact, I guess. You can use Indian bots to just spam somebody you don't like.


I might start doing it.


Somebody got me with just Indian dudes calling me fat. It was like a five minute span of 1000 comments from Indian dudes talking shit.


You are pathetic.


It was like, nobody will respect you with your body. And then one of them that stuck with me that's so funny, is big seats. They kept talking about, because I'm fat, I need big seats. And they're like, how could you find clothes? Big pants, big seats. I was just laying on my couch one night, I got 10 million notifications at once. I was, what the fuck is going on? I could probably find them. They're nasty, dude. You said yes.


Damn, dude.


What are the boys doing?


I need another affiliation with the what you call it? Armed services.


Because it's like, if they're troops, I take it all back. They're hot troops. That's nice.


Yeah. I mean, dude, it is kind of nuts to think about now. To choose a life path around maximum virality where it's like, I'm a born again Christian, I'm a troop. I'm a single guy. That's like a good single guy. TikTok and all that stuff is pretty nice. There's another guy, that guy who's in.


His 50s who's really nice now somebody's spamming it with Israel.


You have Israelis coming at you.


Israel is the largest recipient of US. Foreign aid. This is just a picture of me with naim and ahamad. That makes sense. Israel is the largest recipient of US. Foreign aid. American taxpayers pay $13 million per day to Israel which uses it to slaughter Palestinian children while the world watches in silence. All right, thank you for the comment on my picture. Hold on.


God dang.


Yes. Here they are. One guy commented, discipline.


Discipline was my favorite.


Don't sit near them. They might eat you, chubby. You should be on a diet. 24/7. Discipline, fat man. You should eat less. Wide load. Lose some weight. Weight man.


Holy fat.


Fatness. Lose weight. You're the reason there are plus. That's a good one.


There are plus.


Yeah, dude.


Lose some weight, fat man.


Dude, who was it? Dude, I don't know.


Who organized such a fucking you are.


Too big to be respected. I mean, what the fuck, dude? You'll never fit into that chair.


Big seats.


These are big seats. I got big seats. How do you even get through doorways?


What the fuck? Oh, my God.


Yeah, the Indian bots swarmed me. That's just one.


That's just are they still are they still on, like, fourth grade insults in India? They are all fourth grade insults.


It's got to be just Google Translate. Yeah, true. In Indian, that probably sounds good.




Large pants, large seats.


In Punjabi.


Big seat. Don't come near them. They might eat you.


It's probably a real threat.


Well, I shouldn't have brought this up. Now I know every single comment that I'm going to get. It is funny.


That's the one that got me.


There's no discipline. Discipline was discipline. Discipline was a tough one. Discipline is tough. Fuck that, dude. I'm cheering for Pakistan. Pakistan's in the bag, baby.


True, dude. They shouldn't have fucked around Pakistan.


That's how I'm going to reply to them. Westwatch, next time the Indians swarm me, I'm going to go.


I will be pilot and destroy all of India.




Pilot. Grab.




I will get my life for Pakistan.


That video is so good. Might be number one.


Yeah, Grab.






Might be number one video.


Why are they speaking English in that video?


I don't know. I mean, they have to scream in English.


Thank God they did, though. They need the world to see it.


It worked.


It's so fun.


Good propaganda for Pakistan. It makes me love pakistan's number one. Pakistan is in the bag.


Yeah, Pakistan number one. Yeah, that whole area, man. Is anyone I mean, obviously, besides the United States and stuff, what country is, like, totally dominant over there? Is it Iran?


Iran's? I forget which one, sunni or Shia? And then Saudi Arabia is the other one. Iran and Saudi Arabia don't like each other.


Oh, that's the beat.


And then those two kind of work on controlling the whole area. The whole guess we fuck with everything.


Over there, so I guess Saudi must be Sunnis. Doesn't America fucks with the Sunnis? And the Shiites kind of get the shit end all the time.


Just look up which one Iran is.


Yeah, Iran might be those Shiites, because that's been the beef. The Shiites are like the direct they claim to be the direct descendant from Fatima.


Sunnis are like Mohammed's. Yeah.


And the Sunnis are like, we rule. We got shia.


They're 95% shia.


Yeah. Who Iran's Shia in Saudi Arabia is a Sunnis.


They're like, we got all that motherfucking.


Bread full fall back.


Why did I think it was Shiite?


I thought it was Shiite, too. It's spelled Shiite, but they pronounced it the Shiite. Yeah, that's the big they have a beef over like they're like, yeah, we're like descendants of Muhammad's babe.




And the Sunnis are like, Fall back, bro.


Yeah. Shut up.


We own all the fucking four wheelers and other cool shit. You guys can fall the fuck back with that. Yeah, it's all like blood lineage shit.


Of like we're descendant from the guy that seems worthwhile.


Yeah, it's pretty tight.


Seems like a worthwhile.




Oh dude. Did we talk about Martin Luther? What that boy was up to? Martin Luther? The fucking the guy who started Lutheranism. No protestant effort. Just to show you how evil prots are. What'd he do? Go ahead, look up. I think he wrote a whole book on how much he hated Jewish people.


Did he really?


That they deserve to be in hell. Just so you know. Shout out to my Lutherans, you should become Catholics.


True. Yeah. He broke away didn't he like printed the Bible for everyone to read? He was like, yeah, we should be able to read the Bible.


The first thing that pops up is the Jews and their lies.


The Jews and their lies. Was the that was his pamphlet. The Treatsy. How do you even say what that type of book is?


Yeah, they used to write pamphlets back in the day.


He wrote a long pamphlet on the Jews and their lies. All those little Lutherans out there. Really? Yeah. A little nasty group.


Yeah. What's Lutheran's? Whole deal. Don't they eat like real bread instead of the actual flaky cardboard?


I don't know. They're all I think Martin he was almost entirely Catholic. Obviously he was Catholic, but it was like broke off his church. Didn't really deviate that. Want to.


I think his whole thing was like we should be able to read the Bible ourselves.


I also doubt the Catholic church was much more enlightened on Jews at the time. I think they were probably getting rowdy on them.




Inquisition and shit.


Even the Pope though I think the Pope pope was probably like what's up bro?


Pope was probably like chill everybody chill.


Our new Pope apparently is chill as hell.


The new Pope's a little too need a I need a good fire and brimstone. Freak Pope.


He's coming.


I want a freak pope.


He's coming. Dude, this might be the freakiest Pope though.


Like what about Dwight? Might have got him.


Who am I to judge?


Dude? You. You're the Pope motherfucker.


The Pope apparently just calls people like randomly too.




Pope? Yeah, apparently the Pope just hits people up and is like, yo, what's up? Starts chatting them up like it's me, the fucking Pope. Are you gay?


If so, what ifs yeah, it doesn't matter anymore. We don't care anymore.


I don't even care, dude.


I mean like please, like us again.


It's not my thing per se, but like whatever two guys do, I don't give a fuck. Also I can't believe that Dwight Howard had sex a little bit.


God doesn't even care. What? Yeah. I wonder how vicious the gay sex was. I know we're back onto it, but Dwight must have been fucking dishing it out. Dwight was dealing you think. He was taking it a little. You think Diddy was getting in there a little?


Diddy might have just been fucking hype, man. In the whole thing. He might have been like, ha.


I can't believe diddy, dude.


He's been the subject of rumors for the longest time. Yeah, Diddy's been subject. He's pretty wild too. He got like again, everyone thinks Kanye is the only dude. Like the only super rich black dude who's completely out of his mind. Diddy's been pretty weird for a while.


Do you remember his fucking weird ass Joker costume?


And that was actually sick.


He was really good at it. That was actually pretty scary to go that hard at it.


Yeah. I don't know what the fuck those guys I mean, you got to think you're diddy. You had the heyday in like the yeah.


And he told us he wouldn't stop.


He can't stop.


He won't stop.


He cannot stop. So now he's just a billionaire walking around places. It's got to be weird though, because now it's just like he's just like a super rich billionaire guy.




He's got to pop bottles, got squash.


Rumors that you and fucking Dwight Howard got nuts.


I think all roads lead to sucking Dwight Howard eventually. I think eventually if you just grind hard enough, you're just going to be at a party. You're invited to the sickest party. But there's so many fucking didn't you say gay dudes have the biggest dicks too? Statistically.


So if you're a 610 black dude.


Gay guy, that's gay. It's the top of the mountain.


Dwight Howard's dong must be it's.


Top of the mountain. Yeah. They say statistically gay guys have bigger penises than straight guys because of some hormonal thing.


Guess who's straight as hell, partner. True.


If you're ever wondering.


Yeah, dude, guess who's straight as hell.


I had a startling microflacid bird today that was like, usually I'm like, whatever. I'm pretty body paused. But I caught this one today. And I was going, what the fuck? I was like, am I scared? What am I afraid of right now? What the hell is going on?


Yeah, it's funny you mentioned that. I took a little gander this morning myself.


It might have to do with, like.


Sunflowers something with Texas. I think we're just getting acclimated. Our penis is probably hiding until it's time to come out and it's fully acclimated because I did literally the exact same thing this morning. You peeped? Yeah. I had to go somewhere this morning. And I woke up early. And I was just looking in the mirror. My hair like I'm getting like bald enough that the sides stick out and only the side. You know what I mean? Yeah. So I had that. My gut was out and just a tiny bird was sticking out. And I was looking in the mirror like, oh, fuck, dude. Discipline. Big pants. Big pants, small penis, large seats. Indians were right, dude. For real. And I had, like, red, dark red eyes. It was hard. Yeah. I just woke up, went to brush my teeth. I looked like a fucking gargoyle. I looked scary. It was like, scary how ugly? I was an off putting for real. If somebody saw it, it would be like people would be scared of me, which I guess is pretty sad. They sort of walked in on a.


Naked guy like, oh, shit, my bad.


They would have no, they would have walked in and be like, oh, holy fuck. Holy fuck. What is that? It's the red eyes. Dark red eyes. The most pale you've ever just veins. Tiny bird gut.


Get out of here. What are you doing? I knock next time. Oh, my God. Yeah, I just got out and was like I did the peloton. So I got out of the shower and I was just like, yeah, that'll do it, though.


Workout. I was working out shower. You have a tiny bird. How about the post cold plunge dick? Dude.




It might have that rivals Adderall. Yeah.


I think I just confronted my minimum limit. I was like, this is as small. That's kind of nice, though. I was like, okay, my penis can't get any smaller than this. It was penis jerk.


As bad as things get. Penis rock bottom.


It was penis jerky. It was all the liquid was out.


Dick rock bottom.


So I went down a Dwight Howard rabbit hole, and back in 2018, Barstool had a whole thing about that he was having sex with transgender women.


Yes, I remember that.


He was the bottom. Yeah, dwight Howard's the bottom in this.


What do you think of that, Matt? Is that something you could even consider.


Bottoming out for trans women? I don't know.


You don't hear titties on your back?


Titties on the back would be nice.


Titties on the back is nice.


I just couldn't get my hole dug out. I couldn't get excavated. Yeah, it's just dude, I'm telling you, it's just like it's got to I don't know. That's one I could kind of foresee.


I was like, also, you would probably be using a condom to prevent, hopefully, safe sex. Now you got just a rubbery dong going in and out of your fucking butt.


I mean, dude, it's lose lose. Because if it sucks just getting your.


Fucking bottom blown out by that's what I'm saying.


If it sucks, it sucks. It's like, damn, I shouldn't have got butt fucked. I was foolish.


Yeah. When the guy on top of you finishes, that's got to feel so bad. Hearing a dude like, I don't know.


What about not finishing, though? You'd be like, what the hell?


Not finishing would hurt your feelings a little.


That would stink, dude, you're my first one.


That should be tight.


Just get fucked in the ass and do it wrong. Yeah, no, I got fucked in the ass wrong. I'm such a fucking idiot. Or it's like, total unimaginable pleasures. And now you're jones. And to get bottomed all the time, it's lose lose.


Yeah, there's no winning in this game.


You just fucking keep the lid on the pot and you just say, not today. Not today.


Sam just take it 1 hour at a time. I'm not going to get fucking minute by minute this hour. If I can get through this hour, it's awesome.


It's got to be the most humiliating and if it gets caught on cam, got to be the most humiliating footage.


Matt, I don't even want to imagine the idea of a video camera of me on all can't I can't. Oh, shit. Yeah, it's too much. Yeah, it's too slow.




Although Josh is getting bricked up over there.


Although, again, imagine that coming out of, like, your tiny penis butt fuck video coming out. You're free for the rest of the world.


You're out of the no homo on this, for sure. It's got to feel so good coming out. When they pull out, they get a giant dump.


Turd. Turd. Turd. That's probably what makes you come, is like, ouch. And then out is not a suck turd turd.


But you know, good things coming, which is a turd. It's going to feel like the biggest turd.


And obviously you're fapping.


I don't know if we're going to make it through this hour. By the way, we might be experimenting.


Dare I throw in you fabbing yourself.


Too while you parody?


Imagine shitting. Try it next time you're shitting. Try to jerk off while you're shitting.


Chipotle diarrhea.


That's the true test. That's the true gay test. Try to jerk off while you're shitting if you like. It bad news.


Bad news. You are. Yeah. And we don't care if you act on it.


But that might be the most wholesome for your family for your family's sake. That might be the most wholesome route you can take for your latent homosexuality, is just be like, hold on, baby, I got to take a shit.


And just be like, oh, fuck.


Oh, shit. It fuck.


I got hard shitting.


Just OD and just Elvising fiber gummies to the point where you're, like, building the biggest dongs inside of your body. You're just mass producing.


I have been crushing fiber gummies.


Mass produced. You're just trying to produce Dwight Howard's dong.


Dude, you can't true. There's not a turd in the world.


There's only one.


There's, like, photographs of turds that maybe rival Dwight Howard's dong.


There's only one.


Crazy. What is the time? We need to 55. Fuck hell, yeah.


We did it.


I got a whiz.


Whiz up?


Let's take a whiz break. And then we'll come back to the regular this time.


We will we won't fuck them.


And then we'll slide deeply into the page.


Goddamn. I mean, dude, I will say there's something to be said about titties on your back.


Titties on your back is awesome.


That's what's up.


Titties on your back is awesome.


That's what's up.


But dick in your ass is not great.


Yeah, you can also there's other ways to get titties on your back.


Yeah. You can just have a girl put her titties on your back.


Okay, so what if no, this will take us.




What if your choice was you could never touch a boob ever again. Just every woman you interacted, you were cursed and their titties would just wither and fall away. Or you had to just one just feel Dwight Howard's full fucking one. Dwight force just one in and you.


Could never squeeze tits again. You can never suck tits again.


Titties disappear around you that you see them. And it is wither like the it.


Does it disappear for everybody?


Just for you.


Just for me.


Everyone else is still so I wouldn't.


Be taking a bullet. I couldn't act like it was some type of selfless act. I couldn't tell everybody, like, to do that.


You sit on the cross.




No, just for you. I mean, that's an obvious choice. You just treat it like a fucking surgical procedure and say, Dwight OOH, that.


Would be getting surgical. That's been making me laugh.


Dude. That was the funniest thing I've ever heard someone say.


Would you take Dwight Howard's dick to save yeah. Yeah.


For myself, I'd have to. I'd love to be stoic about it and be like, I guess there'll be no more tits. It's like, dude, I need titties, bro.


Tits rule.


I'd need titties.




And then it could be the solace. Could be you would have tits on your back while Dwight Howard fucking a girl's. Tits on your back.


I don't think I want a woman in the room. Mom screaming, dude, they would throw themselves at you.


They'd be like, oh my god. This is so brave what you're doing.


I think they would not like you.


You might suffocate under all the tits, dude.


They'd be like, oh my god.


I can't believe you're saving the experience of tits for yourself.


I don't think anybody I would say say, everybody get out of the room. This is for me and Dwight. This is just me and Dwight. Dwight, this is for you. I don't think Dwight would even have me, dude. I'm such a fucking pig.


Yeah, dude, don't say that.


Dwight wouldn't even fuck, dude, I know.


We joke around a lot, but don't fucking say that.


Don't you dare, Matt. Genuinely, I don't think Dwight would have either.


He would surprise you. You'd come in, you'd be like, wait, I didn't sign up for this.


It'd be like a surprise. Hold on. That is a caveat of the butt fucking to save tits. Do you know it's happening, or is it just in the contract? It's like, you're going to have tits if you sign this. You got to get fucked by Dwight Howard someday. And it's a surprise when it happens. You could be out to dinner. You could be out with your family. Dwight comes in and picks your ass up wherever you are. He could be in front of the whole Red Lobster. He puts it in.


You call an Uber, and he just turns around.


It's Dwight. You go, damn, today's the day.


Today is the day.


Yep. Fake taxi.


Or you start seeing Tits start, like, pixelating around you. You're like, fuck it's coming.


Oh, no. Yeah, whenever he gets close, Tits does. Yeah, it's a good horror movie.


It would be pretty good.




That'd actually be a sick movie.


What if it's not true?


None of this is true.


I think he's been no, he's come out he's come out and said, first of all, I think he's been going around saying, dude, it's none of your business.




Which is sick.


Also, he said specifically, it's none of your business where I lay my wood.


He said that? Yeah.


Which is like, bro, that's pretty gay.


Kind of gayest answer.


You could say it's kind of alpha.


Dude, it's obviously it's incredibly alpha. So alpha that it's gay.


Referring to your dick as your wood is I forgot. I was like, damn, I forgot all about that. Calling it your wood.




No fucking business where I lay my wood. I don't think it's even his business where he lays his wood.


I think it's at this point, I bet that thing's got a mine. I think the wood is yeah, that thing is nuts.


Yeah, dude. But yeah, I'm telling you, it is funny because in 15 years, they're going to be, like, reading through pages of just people like, Dwight Howard. Fuck the guy. Ever. Yeah, obviously. Yeah.


It's not the news anymore, but this.


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Yeah. Those guys charge an arm and a leg just to try to get your mental health in shape.




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I don't like what they said about me and my dad's relationship.


Ceasing relationship with therapist is kind of weird because I'd be like, I don't want to talk to you. I think I'm done. I think I'm good now.


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I drank it too early too. I was like, is he supposed to drink it right before bedtime? So I was like, I'll slug this, put the kids to bed. And I was sitting there. I was like, oh, I think there's melatonin in there.


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And I was like, there is melatonin.


Yeah, that shit did knock me the fuck out.


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Yeah. I'll say, yeah, that one did actually knock me out. I do always do try to do everything.


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Might have missed. It was easy to miss.


I didn't even sample it.


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Yeah, I drank my beams, bro.


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Dan. They're there snorting fat rails.


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All right. That's actually probably an hour. Yeah, we really stormed through that. What topics do we cover? Pretty much gay stuff. Jizz. I addressed ticket scalpers for 2 seconds.


That was good.


Martin Luther.


Martin Luther. That was a big one.


Anti Semitic Lutheran. Shame on them.


This is the whole game now.


It's about pointing out what everyone else is doing that's wrong and everybody's bad.


And then we are the good ones.


We're fine, totally normal. We don't do any bad stuff. If people get in trouble, we don't.


Do any bad stuff.


Everyone else is wrong. And if you listen to this podcast, you were in the right, you're right, you're right and they are wrong about everything. And you'll maintain that to the death, dude. And you'll die happy knowing I was right about everything and I didn't do any of that weird stuff everyone else did. I didn't get in trouble, I wasn't mean to people. I didn't harbor private thoughts towards other groups that were probably pretty negative. You didn't do any of that.


Yeah, this is exactly Christ's message. It is. Judge everyone else. Don't ever reflect on yourself. Don't even ever think for a second maybe that guy is I'm capable of committing any crime that guy is. And I should treat him like a brother and forgive him and try to understand where he's coming from.


Not at all. Nope.


No, fuck that. You just get on Say fucking Dwight Howard's.


Gay black sports online.


All right, thank you for listening to this.