Transcribe your podcast
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Fuck. Restart it?

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Hey, we're live. Oh, my gosh. Here with Tim Dylan.

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What's up, guys? It's a beautiful home.

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Thank you.

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Oh, thanks. Thank you.

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For having me. Oh, thanks, man. Thank you. I got to get a cleaning lady.

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They're around. Yeah.. You can get one easy. You can get several.

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I don't think I'd have to get the car. I think I could walk.

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Within a block. No, you could get one very… Like on a bus stop, anybody will do it. Yeah, true. Anyone will come back to the house.

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Yeah.

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That and an exterminator. You can get an exterminator here in.

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Five minutes. I need one, these flies.

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They'll just come over the house, they'll invent problems that aren't there. They'll tell you about other things you don't have that you might have.

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The mail lady here yesterday worked as an exterminator for me. She got it. There was a posom dead in the front. No way. And she was like, I got rid of that posom. It's been here for four straight days.

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Is that.

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What was stinking? I'm hoping that's what stinks. Something in this house occasionally stinks like shit. -where is that? -i was hoping that was the dead animal. I was hoping it was the dead animal.

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Yeah, it's probably that. Where was it located?

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-it was out.

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Front left. That's where you were catching.

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The smell. -fron t left, though. I have been catching it on this side of the house, which is nice.

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That's a.

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Dead posh. Hopefully, yeah, but it must have been dying. Coming through the walls. Must have been dying for a month in there. And then went out front to die, finally.

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Did the right thing, yeah.

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The honorable thing.

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Where.

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Did she put this thing?

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I.

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Don't know. She thought it was like a taxidermy.

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She's like, I found it. Just so you know, I got rid of that dead posum. And I was like, What are.

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You talking about? It's like the woo-hand lab. They're selling the animals out of the back door just to get-.

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Bringing them back to life?

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Yeah. Where I live, there's a taxidermy place right on the corner where people will bring in their dog and they have a taxidermy. Or most of it is hunters. But every now and then somebody will come in with a cat, like a house cat. Stuff a cat. And they'll do it. They go, Yeah, we'll do it.

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I'm going to bring a dog in and be like, Oh, it's your pet. I hunted it. I hunted this dog.

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I kidnapped this. I took it out of someone's backyard. That's one of my things. You could bow hunt fucking golden retrievers in people's backyards. All day, dude. That'd be pretty sick.

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All fucking day. Logan told me when we first moved here, he goes, My wife saw a zebra. And I go, Oh, really? And he goes, Yes. He goes, There are zebras in the Hill country occasionally. What?

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There's parakeets. There's wild parakeets.

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I'm just saying that's what I was told. And maybe-.

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There could be.

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There could be. There could be. But he said that because my wife saw a zebra and I went, Oh. I'm in the Hill Country. I live out there, so I go, Oh, I've never seen one.

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I'm going to keep an eye out.

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I'd love to. If I woke up and I saw a zebra, I'd feel good. I don't know how it was.

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I did do that with Naim. Naim Ali was like, in Philadelphia, he was like, I was driving and I saw a dead wolf on the side of the road. I was like, Naim, bro, please don't make me argue with you. I argued with him. We were on a road trip. I argued with him for two hours. I was like, There's no wolf.

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There's.

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No wolves in Philadelphia. There's no wolves anywhere.

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Near that. Yeah. There's a wolf sanctuary in like North Jersey, but I don't think they made it.

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To Philadelphia. I mean, if one of them got out and got on the highway and got hit and no one collected it and somebody hit a wolf and a wolf was dead on the side of the highway.

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It was probably a husky.

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Yeah, for sure. He was like, No, it was huge. I saw its face.

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We had something in Long Island and they called it the Montauk Monster. It was a weird-looking thing that washed up on the shore. People were like, It's from the Plum Island Disease Research Facility. It's something they were experimenting on. Multiple people just came out and go, No, that's a dog. It's just a bloated body of the dog and no one cared. They're like, It came from Plum. It's a secret government experiment. Then the guy's like, No, no, no. When a dog dies, its.

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Body bloats. It loses its hair and bloat. -it'll lose its hair. It's going to look.

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Fucked up. That's exactly what it is. That's literally what it is. No one cared. They're like, No, it's crypto. While it's a lot of Chupacabra.

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That happens.

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Yeah, that's easy. I can see how that... Yeah, if I saw it, if somebody didn't tell me a dog washed up, I'd be like, That was a Chupacabra.

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Yeah.

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It's a freak.

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You think Naim had a good point, though. What? Because when he was like, I saw that. I saw a fucking a mountainline or like a Cougar or whatever.

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And there was one in, there was one in, in the county, Wilde.

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Back in the blizzard? Yeah, he said he saw the tracks.

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No, I'm not going to give him the tracks.

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I remember vehemently arguing that I did see Santa Claus when I was about his age when he saw the mountain lions tracks. And if I didn't know now, if somehow there was a news report that they were like, Santa was in the area, I'd be like, I did see it.

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Yeah, no, I'm not going to give them mountainline. We used to go hunting for that mountain line. There was a rumor-There was supposed to be a mountain line loose in Delaware County, Pennsylvania. Just one random mountainline. Just one.

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But it's true.

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There was.

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There was.

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That's great. So then everyone's like, Yeah, I saw it. I saw it. Yeah. And then that justified to him.

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We had one in L. A. It was called P-22. And P-22 was like, there's tons in L. A, but there's one that anyone ever... They had a tracker on him. And he had a Twitter account. They would tweet out like, I walked 10 miles yesterday. But then it would start tweeting out things like, I'm probably trying to find water. I wish there wasn't climate change so that there would be water. And then it would tweet out crazy stuff. And then it would tweet out like Black Lives Matter, all this stuff. They're just an animal.

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A watch. P-22.

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And then it started shredding. This was like the mascot of L. A, this guy, P22. Then it started just killing dogs and cats and attacking people in the back. So then they just quietly killed it. They put it down, this big cat that was like the mascot of like it was on social media. In the Santa Monica Mountains, they would take photos of it, they'd upload it. And then they just had to quietly like, Oh, yeah, he's lost his mind and then he just killed it. They were like, Oh, yeah, he's in Silver. Now, bus boys at restaurants are like, Oh, shit, because it's in the alley, growling. They're like, Oh, yeah, we just got to quietly kill.

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Then they just quietly put it to sleep. I like that it was on the right side of history at first.

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Yeah, it was doing the right thing at first. -voted for Trump.

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-doing the right thing at first. Voted for Trump.

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-they.

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Were going to build like.

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In L. A. They were going to build a wildlife bridge. I think they have a few of them were in their minds. They think that like...

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Oh, hold on.

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Yeah, they're just going to walk across because they get hit sometimes on the 101 or four-five. And they think, No, they'll use the bridge. And none of them use the bridge. No one's seen one of them on the bridge ever. It's just like a little bridge, no.

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One's ever. Is it like a rope, like a zoo closure bridge?

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Yeah, it's a weird thing that goes over the highway that I guess if you're a mountainline, you would just go over that. But no.

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One-you'd have to hire people to go.

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All day long. And no one sees these mountainlines. No one ever sees very rare. They're on a ringcam. You only see them on a ringcam occasionally.

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-dude, it's cool though. -it's cool. They'll fuck you up, won't they? -won't they attack you?

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-they'll fuck you up.

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-oh, my God.

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-they'll fuck you up.

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If they're hungry. They'll fuck joggers up.

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Yeah, they will fuck you up if they're hungry for sure. And even maybe if they're not.

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Yeah, that's terrifying. I was scared down here when I moved. I didn't know what animals were down here. Here you.

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Just got to worry about little things like a brown reclusive spider will ruin your day. -yeah. -things like that.

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-it's rare. -it's all baby, Radd. -it's all baby, Radd. -really? -yeah, little guy.

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-that's nice.

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-where did you see him? -i had the brown spots on my trail. I was walking.

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-nice.

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-yeah, pretty much. -yeah, things like that here. But I don't think you don't get big things.

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Yeah, I walked through the grass and I'm like...

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I was in Arizona. We were afraid of the havelinas, the pigs. What? Yeah. You would appreciate this. I was drunk with Doug Stanhope walking around in the middle and there was just wild pigs. And he's like, We got to go. He's afraid of the havelinas. He's dressed like a fucking clown from the '70s. Yeah, they're his natural predator. He's a pig out there and he's drunk and he's like, Oh, they're blind. They're the coria. Yeah, they will. They're just packs of them. The desert pigs. The desert pigs, they get to the trash at night in his neighborhood, and he wanders the neighborhood at night. That is his natural predator. He's mindful.

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That's his natural predator. He's mindful.

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Of it. Please let Stanhope get killed by a pack of.

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Fucking pigs. Just eaten by havalinas?

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Return to the earth. He'd be like that. He would be like, Please, yeah.

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He'd be happy. He quit smoking.

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No.

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He did. Quite smoking? The last time I saw him at Mothership, he goes, I quit smoking cigarettes.

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That sucks.

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He did it.

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Snoop Dogg quit. Him and Meek Mill went to Dubai to quit smoking weed.

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Now, why do you think that is? Why do.

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You think that is? Why did they go to Dubai?

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No, I get that.

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But why-Why do you think.

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He quit? Yeah, what do you think it was?

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Probably he has a.

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Collapsed lung, dude. It's probably a real health.

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It's probably a doctor's setting.

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Yeah.

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Oh, really?

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Meek Mill's quitting for real. Dude, I do know guys that smoke like 12 blunts a day, and you just can't do that forever.

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You know, that's bad.

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Yeah, you're smoking like construction paper all day, every day. Your lungs are going to be...

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I had a friend that didn't smoke cigarettes and would go, I don't smoke cigarettes, but would literally have just blunts in the ear, in the mouth just constantly. I'm like, Dude, you're looking like, I'm handling.

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Cigar paper. Well, they're sprayed with strawberry, flail-y too, which God.

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Knows what that is. Vanilla dots, strawberry filling. Yeah.

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It's so funny, though. Now if any Black tea does a quit smoking weed, you have to go to Dubai. You have to go there and-You have to make a cheek for.

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A month. -you have to make a cheek for a month. I'm done smoking blood.

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It's so so.

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That idea makes me laugh so hard.

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I've never been. Have you been to Dubai? No. That's people love it.

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Really?

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I don't know. It's not for me, but people.

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Like-it seems like a worse Miami.

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It's people just dig it. People, you know. They're trying to position it to be like the.

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Miami of the desert. Yeah, like Vegas, Miami-The.

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Vegas of the desert.

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Yeah, I had a Uber driver tell me about it one time, and he was hyping it up like, You can go to the nightclub. You're a girl of the cops. He was like, It's just prostitutes.

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-the cops drive, the Lamborghinis. He was like, It's a cop's drive. That sucks.

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He was saying that you can go to nightclubs and get prostitutes.

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It's like a super rich, crazy world where you can do a lot of stuff. There's indoor ski resorts. Okay. It's crazy. Everything's got to be indoors because it's like 112 degrees. So everything happens indoors.

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And the cops drive Lamborghinis?

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Yeah.

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That's sick.

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No, it's probably just-I mean, it's just Grand Tephth. It's just the Grand Tephth on the level.

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Yeah, my wife wants to go there, and I've been saying no the whole time.

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Like I'm not going there. She wants to go to Dubai? Yeah.

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She wants to go to Dubai. Tell her no. It's it that he crushes blackInstagram.

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-he does.

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-dubai... -yeah, I know, he is. -dubai is a... -it's a world designed by rappers. Now it's a rap place.

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It's a scourge on.

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Black Instagram. You got to get her to give something up when she goes. -dubai? -yeah. -she's doing bickering. True. She should post in a full hijab just I'm done bickering.

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I'm done bickering.

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I've given.

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Up bickering. I'm going to put away all the stuff.

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Yeah. It's time for me to put away stuff.

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Yeah, I should tell her. I'm going to warn her back, in a row, you got to understand we've got to go there. No chipping. I'd hate to see you get taken away by the authorities.

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Right. There's going to be chipping.

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Yeah.

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It is an interesting place for black Instagram to be like, This is the Middle East.

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It's hilarious. I can't stop laughing about Arabian dudes encountering black dudes from- Meekbels. Yeah, Meat Bell is just full chic, turbanned out, and just being like, What the fuck? Yeah. Anyway. I can't quit smoking weed. It is like a weird, vaguely spiritual overtone on it, but it's just a weird place. You're just in the desert. You're like, Yeah, dude, this is really important for me to do this. You just get hammered in a club and have sex with a prostitute.

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You just have, yeah, just an Atlantic City experience.

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Yeah, you could do that an hour.

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From your house. They're trying to make Atlantic City a family-friendly place now.

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-well, that's not going.

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To happen. -i know.

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It's a big push. It's good to see them try with Atlantic City when it is hopeless. -yeah. -it's a definition.

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Of hopeless. -that place is fucked up.

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It's fucked up.

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-those old houses.

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-it should just be what it is, which is like a place for bachelor and bachelorette parties. Dude, yeah. For weddings that have a 80% chance of unraveling within two years. Like the worst marriages.

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That was my bachelor party of my first marriage. You're going.

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To be 20. You'll be there.

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I mean, that's a guarantee. No, it's a.

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Hard -horrible.

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-it's so accurate. We did one... I mean, they're still married, but we did Mike Lawrence's bachelor party. It was me, Scott Chaplain, Mike Lawrence, Mike Racine.

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Just the most autistic fucking bachelor.

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And we just went... Like, he doesn't drink. We just went to the showboat and we went to a buffet and then we just walked on the boardwalk. It was tragic. It was bad.

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It's fun. Dude, they have billboards for Whippets on the Atlantic City boardwalk. Really? Yes. Oh, yeah. I'm not lying. They have literally huge billboards for like, you can go puff Whippets down there.

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Yeah. I would be so fun. That's maybe the only way to really enjoy it. We just did that. It could be like Huffing. It's a place.

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Where you got to Huff. You're way into being like, This is Dubai. There's the Burj Khalif. That's Ocean's casino.

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You're just watching a street fight? You're like, I'm sitting front row.

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There.

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Is Conor McGregor.

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Yeah, they're in an effort to make it more family-friendly. They opened an indoor water park, but it's like $112 per person to go there.

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By the way, the brain-eating amoeba is growing in that water.

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Holy fuck.

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It's always a tragedy. It'll be like six months from now, they'll be like, Rare disease closes water park. Well, China is popping off right now with child pneumonia. What? They're going nuts. Supposedly, China has a new plague of pneumonia, and it's affecting children, and their masks are on. I'm not even kidding.

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I wish you didn't tell Matt this.

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That's like the new iPhone over there.

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They're just dropping trains.

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They do have six trains.

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We got new viruses.

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It's the new iOS. You updated every night.

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Child pneumonia. Child pneumonia in China.

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I don't want to be a conspiracy guy, but it is fucking weird that it's like another election. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Hey, how about one that goes for the kids?

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It's.

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Weird that it's happening.

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Yeah. They're going to need to pull out some pretty serious stops this time. This is going to be-The Dems are going to have to pull something out.

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-they're in trouble.

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-they're in a lot of trouble.

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They're in.

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Deep trouble. Yeah, child pneumonia would get it done, though. That's a good one. -i don't know.

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You know what? I've got to be.

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Honest with you. I don't think a disease will work.

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I don't think it's going to get it done this time. -true.

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-all the people are going.

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To be like.

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Walk it off. Show up to the USC events.

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You're going to be telling a nine-year-old who's coughing like, keep your mouth shut. I'm going to vote.

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Yeah, true. I don't know. You think they'll win?

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Who? The Dems? No.

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No.

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Yeah, not at all. But they are going to have to do something. They're going to put up a desperate Hale Mary.

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Why are they running by? I don't understand why they can't get a cool young guy to be like, Hey.

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There's no cool young guys left. The only one they might have is Gavin Newsom, who's a good debater. He's decent looking, but California is a mess and everyone hates California and everyone hates him and what he's done in California. Like he was the mayor of San Francisco, which is a third world country. And what's interesting about him is how happy he looks all the time. If you're in a state where literally it's collapsing, you can't look that happy all the time. He always looks positive.

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And happy. Say what you want about Laurie Lightfoot. She did play the role. She just collapsed personally.

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Yeah, nobody did it better than her. Nobody embodied the fall of a city physically more than that woman in every respect, by the way.

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What was her superhero costume? A corona.

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Justi'm trying to.

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Destroy her. She looked like Beatle, dude.

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She looked fucking crazy. She looked crazy. She looked like the orkin' bug guy with those sprays, things. -nobody did it better.

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Than her. -i want to look at it. -she looks like she's on Howard Stern.

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-she left it all in the office, though. You got to give her that. -yeah. -she clearly left it all. -now she's at Harvard.

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What? This is why we're a fucked up country. What is she doing? She's teaching at Harvard. I don't know. She's teaching politics, government at Harvard.

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What? Just walking around. She's Lloyd Lightfoot, as named.

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With her voice.

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With that voice. Senior leadership fellow.

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She was in the airport everywhere, too. If you traveled in Chicago, she had her image.

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Plastered up on the screen. No, she was a Batman villain. She was a Dick Tracy villain even. She would yell at my favorite thing is she'd have a press conference and somebody to ask a really reasonable question. They'd be like, Hey, they were like 30 murders yesterday. And then she'd be like, I'm not tolerating this.

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It's so good. It's so good. So she'd be.

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Like, I'm not tolerating this.

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She'd go, I'm not tolerating this. We're moving on. And they'd be like, We're just asking a 14-year-old shot for people in a mall. And she'd be like, This is a confrontation. I know where you work. I know the people you work for. And she had this like, rasty, cuddled boy, and she refused to be accountable for anything that would go, people just bring up what went on the city. They go, Hey, so a flash mob robbed and beat a couple outside of RPM Sefood last night. And she'd be like, We're not doing this today.

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There was a new guy who started to try to do this chant where he was like, If you're not from Chicago, keep our name out of your fucking mouth. They're like, Why do you guys have so many murders?

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That's our business. -that's family business.

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-that's family business.

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Dude, you can't do that. I was like, Let's do a.

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Chant right now. Biden hits that we're not doing this today. Yeah. He just literally stops. He walks away.

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Really? You're thinking that the Roomba is perfect because you watch him go. It is crazy. It's elder abuse. My favorite thing about him is that they had a family meeting over last Christmas, and they reported this. It was in all the papers. It was a big meeting in Nantucket. They had a big holiday there. The meeting was to determine if he was fit to run again. Then after this meeting, they were like, We're all on board with this. We all think it's a great idea. I'm like, What possibly could have gone.

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Down at.

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That meeting where they go, This guy should go run for president again. -like if he was a math teacher.

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-the second, like this.

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Upcoming one? If he was a math teacher, they would go, Pop, hang it up. There's no job. He's fit to do any family with any decent. They'd be like, buddy, hey, pop. If he was a lawyer, he'd be like, buddy, you don't have to work from home. You do.

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A case a month. The family meeting was obviously not real. No, it wasn't real. But if it was real, yeah, it's funny to.

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Imagine what-I think maybe there's... I've always had a weird theory that they don't want someone in there who might uncover stuff because I think there's fuckery. I think that they don't want, especially while Trump is around, they don't want somebody getting in there that might uncover fuckery.

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Yeah, they're like walking them off, though, dude. The fucking thing.

[00:20:09]

It feels like a mafia thing where they're like, No, we got it. He's good. It feels like, What are you worried about? What are you doing? You don't want anyone else in there. It's weird.

[00:20:21]

It is. Something's fucked up.

[00:20:22]

It makes no sense. I don't.

[00:20:24]

Get it. I like when he does try to answer questions. It's the best. And then his staff has to come and be like, Yo. -no. -yeah, don't do that. Because he'll go for it. If somebody asks him a question, he usually tries. He'll try.

[00:20:34]

-really? He does his best. And he's frustrated, which is a lot of really old people get mad at themselves because their brain's not working and they're mad. You can see he gets mad that his mind won't allow him.

[00:20:47]

-oh.

[00:20:47]

That's sad. -he's had a tough life. You got to remember. -yeah, he did. -wife died, kids died, the son dies, the wife is wiped off right with a car accident, something crazy. Then the son dies. -sons on drugs. -the other sons on drugs. Starts dating the dead son's daughter. I mean, I'm sorry.

[00:21:07]

Not wife. Yeah.

[00:21:09]

It's not a-I didn't know Jill was the nanny.

[00:21:12]

Jill was a nanny?

[00:21:13]

His nanny that was in his car when the wife died? I don't know. Something fucked up. I got that. That's not a good source. -true.

[00:21:23]

-that's warmote. You said the nanny died with him?

[00:21:26]

I've been.

[00:21:26]

Hanging out with Billion Spot for the last couple of days. I got hit with the a lot of fucking things. The nanny, or Jill was the nanny to his original marriage. Yeah. Allegedly. -she's also not a real doctor. -according to Billion Spot.

[00:21:38]

They call her a doctor. She's not really a doctor.

[00:21:41]

No.

[00:21:42]

She's not.

[00:21:42]

A doctor. -she's like a.

[00:21:43]

Kindergarten teacher.

[00:21:44]

She teaches.

[00:21:45]

Like elementary school. They call her Doctor Jill By. So it's nuts. I thought Michelle Obama would be their best choice because she's not a politician. She doesn't have a record. People like her.

[00:21:59]

But she has to hide her.

[00:22:00]

She must be hiding something.

[00:22:02]

That's the only issue that she's a guy. That's the only issue.

[00:22:06]

That's the only, like for real? I know that's a fun conspiracy, but there is something preventing her from becoming a president.

[00:22:14]

No, 1,000 %.

[00:22:15]

Because she would be president of the landline.

[00:22:16]

She'd be the.

[00:22:17]

President of the landline. Every day they don't announce her, I get closer to.

[00:22:20]

Being like-Something's going on there.

[00:22:22]

Maybe she has a cock. -something's up. -what is going on here?

[00:22:27]

She's the perfect candidate, except for the fact that she was a man when she.

[00:22:33]

Met her husband. You know what's nice? Is if they run her, Trump will, when he gets desperate in a debate.

[00:22:39]

It's coming out.

[00:22:41]

You have a cock.

[00:22:42]

The big Mike is coming out in.

[00:22:44]

That debate. That's what they're calling her. They're calling a Big Mike. I'm not calling a Big Mike.

[00:22:48]

I'm not.

[00:22:50]

Saying it. It's one of the best conspirators. Because it's reached the actual... It's reached the dads and uncles. It has. Yeah. My dad and they'll be like.

[00:23:00]

You mean Big Mike?

[00:23:02]

Get me the fuck.

[00:23:02]

Out of here.

[00:23:03]

One of the last.

[00:23:03]

Things my mother said in her mental institution in the common area, by the way, after she died, we went to get her stuff, whatever, like beanie babies and stuff that had littered around the room. They called us and they were like, You want to get her stuff? My aunt's like, We should get her stuff. I wanted to be like, Just give it to the other nutjobs, right? Just give it to them. They're not going to know who's Karmat the frog this is.

[00:23:26]

They're.

[00:23:28]

Not even going to remember. One of them, best case one of them might go, That's Patty's Kermit. But no one's going to remember. So we go in there to get your dead, schizophrenia, mother's, baby. It's the most depressing day ever. I was so thankful. One woman, one of her orderlies, like a Jamaican lady pulled me aside. She goes, You don't like this. It's really funny. A couple of days before your mom died, like Michelle Obama was giving a speech, and your mother was sitting there in her wheelchair just watching. We went over to her. We're like, Should we leave this on? My mother goes, Should we leave her on as Michelle Obama. My mother goes, Yeah, you can leave her on. But then my mother goes, I think that's a man. It reached what? My schizophrenia mother. It reached everybody. Somehow in her mental institution in Jamaica, Queens, it got to her.

[00:24:13]

Right.

[00:24:14]

Before she died. It's the last thing she learned on Earth. It was the final thing. She learned on Earth. She goes, Oh, that woman might be a guy. And then literally she just had a bowel obstruction.

[00:24:27]

And checked out. She probably spread it to the She probably went in that room and was talking to the baby. It's like, Michelle Obama is a dick.

[00:24:34]

She gives it to another guy.

[00:24:35]

Yeah, somebody's going to pick that thing up. Yeah, they'll pick it up.

[00:24:38]

Wait a minute. You do see a bulge. Look at her on Ellen.

[00:24:42]

You see a bulge. She finally connected to reality.

[00:24:45]

She finally at the very end.

[00:24:47]

But it is, by the way, there is nothing better if it is, and that's why I wanted to be true because it's funny. There's something about it being true and then her having the confidence to freeball on Ellen.

[00:24:56]

And just-Have a dick hang out.

[00:24:58]

She's like one of those dudes on TikTok. Huck in the gray sweat pants who's like, Take a look at this. Trying to get views. It's like crazy.

[00:25:05]

Yeah, I wonder why they don't feel... It's crazy. I never thought about that because I'm like, Yeah, they bring her out.

[00:25:11]

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It's tighter around the arms. Thank God. Chest and shoulders. I like to show off my titties. But looser in the torso. You're going to want to be wearing this to every holiday party, Matt. You look so fucking strong. This is our today.

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Sorry, I'm not there.

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Fire him.

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End of.

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That explains it.

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True. They're high. They're high as shit typing an ad email.

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[00:28:37]

I like that.

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Yeah.

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That's nice.

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That was succinct. That first sentence just threw me off. Guys. Guys.

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Yeah. We have two options for the or. I'm reading option one. Just read option B while I read options in your head.

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Oh, no. Yes, let's read it.

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All right.

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Look no.

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God, I love the way you think, Shane. I'm getting Baby Billy one for Christmas and filling it with all his favorite men's health covers.

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My flatulent fucking sister. Billy's going to sue me, dude.

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When I moved out, I left a couple of Aura frames. I left everything. There was no knock on Aura frames. There's a little story. There's a little personal endorsement. Yeah, you have an iPhone. I do set my iPhone up and just have it on pictures of my dick occasionally pop up.

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Not rules. It's the.

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Best thing to give to your mom.

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-mexican Jehovah -Your mom's going to go, Well, they put pictures on this.

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Mexican Jehovah's Witnesses came by and they saw the auras and they were like, Can we have these? I was like, Yeah, dude. The Mexican Jehovah's Witness ladies were like, Oh, my God.

[00:32:22]

Can I see these? Can I see these? It's perfect for them, dude. You load all these pictures and you go, Mom, check it out.

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[00:33:51]

Caitlin Jenner came to my, I had a friend giving, okay? I'll say this, and I don't know if this reaches Caitlin and if it does, God bless. But to say that Caitlin is a masculine person would be maybe the understatement of the earth. Caitlin walks in.

[00:34:11]

The house, first of all. Wait, Caitlin Jenner came to you.

[00:34:13]

She comes with her girlfriend. Her girlfriend is a trans.

[00:34:16]

Wait, is it your Thanksgiving?

[00:34:17]

Yeah, to my Thanksgiving. Friendsgiving. Friendsgiving. I invited you to, but no one did L. A. When I get it.

[00:34:22]

Damn, you could have.

[00:34:23]

Told me. Well, that's why I want you to come.

[00:34:24]

And-you could have told me they were coming.

[00:34:25]

I would have been there. This is great. So she comes with her girlfriend. Her girlfriend is a trans. Hands-maga influencer. So this is my dream. This is perfect for me. This is all I want. The whole party, everyone else. I love Andrew Santino and everybody, but it's about this. It wasn't about anything else. For sure. She walks in, by the way. She walks in 15 minutes after the supposed it starts. No one's there yet. There's three weird people that I barely know. Then Kaitlin Jenner walks in. She walks in, she's like six, four, built like a brick shit house, walks in. She's a specimen, right? Yeah. She walks in, she shakes my hand. I go, You're really punctual. She goes, And I taught my kids how to be punctual, too. They're all punctual. It's the most dad thing to say ever. Then she shakes my hand. I'm like, Yeah, yeah. We give her a drink and then more people start to come. Maybe there's like 20 people there now. Then she's just talking about how no one's patriotic anymore in America. She's standing in the middle of my kitchen showing people pictures of her playing and going, Nobody's patriotic anymore.

[00:35:37]

When I won those gold medals, she goes, People were cheering for me, but they were also cheering for America. Nobody's fucking patriotic. Then she's surrounded by L. A. Godless scum who have to swallow this message. And some of them are agreeing. And her trans-maga-influencer girlfriend starts going like, He has a low voice, but she goes, Well, she goes, Kind of a low voice. Well. She goes, Well, she goes, Well, she goes, I think that one of the real problems with this country is that nobody appreciates it for how good it is. I'm like, Yeah, yeah. We're just ra-ra. It's the.

[00:36:24]

Craziest moment. I like that you did have L. A. People there that had to be like, They're famous. I have to listen to what.

[00:36:32]

They're saying. You have to listen to what they're saying. You have to.

[00:36:34]

Listen to what they're saying. I mean, those are a powerful couple. -by the way, it's the best couple. -it's trans-maga.

[00:36:39]

Awesome. -it's the best couple. -i got the shivers. It's my favorite couple in L. A. Nobody does it better than those two.

[00:36:49]

Yeah.

[00:36:49]

Nobody.

[00:36:50]

That's awesome.

[00:36:51]

I love them both, and I want to get dinner with them, and I want to be part whatever that is, like that whole trans-maga.

[00:37:00]

Oh, yeah.

[00:37:01]

I have my own plane movement.

[00:37:04]

-dude. -get me into that. You're doing gonzo journalism. You're ingratiating yourself with the freaks.

[00:37:11]

Well, it's just a fun… It's a fun… When you hear just he sees two women, and then they're talking and they're going, The problem with America is no one's patriotic. It's really beautiful. It's like a.

[00:37:26]

Beautiful-yeah, it is. It is like a bunch of things just coalescing.

[00:37:31]

-that's.

[00:37:31]

The high level then. -just coalescing.

[00:37:32]

-it's a high level. -black Magga gets me fired up. -true. -trans Magga might be-Fuck. -trans Magga.

[00:37:37]

-that's the peak. -that's the.

[00:37:39]

Top you're going to get. Yeah, I'll pass out. If I watch enough trans Magga, I just fucking lose consciousness.

[00:37:46]

Here's how strong Magga is. This is why I think about.

[00:37:48]

Trans Magga, which is great. I go through fucking G-Fource and a simulator.

[00:37:52]

You're stuck to the couch. It shows Magga is so powerful that it won't be stopped.

[00:38:01]

It.

[00:38:01]

Can't be stopped.

[00:38:03]

Dude, get into Magga, Ravr.

[00:38:04]

It will eventually reach everyone. That's what's crazy about it. It's just reach. There will be non-binary Magga eventually. You'll just see a fat, gender, nonconforming weirdo with blue hair and then just put on that hat. It's like COVID. It's like, you'll get it. You're going to get it. You don't have to worry about how you're going to get it. You don't have to analyze it.

[00:38:32]

You're going to get it. You can tell everyone it's fake. Yeah, it doesn't matter. You're going to.

[00:38:36]

Get it. You're going to get it.

[00:38:37]

I'm so embarrassed. I did everything I could to get myself.

[00:38:39]

I tried so hard. I've been in my apartment for two weeks. I've been wearing this hat for two straight fucking weeks.

[00:38:46]

It was aerosol Dropless.

[00:38:47]

I woke up one day and there was a hat. I just was wearing a red hat.

[00:38:50]

And she's great about Caitlin Jenner. She was like, she said, I'm against gay marriage.

[00:38:53]

She's at a party, you guys had some.

[00:38:54]

Good ideas. She's against gay marriage. She goes, I'm an old-fashioned girl. I'm against gay marriage. When she came out against gay marriage, I couldn't love a person more. I'm an old-fashioned. I couldn't love. When she said, I'm an old-fashioned girl. I don't want gays getting married. I could not love. I remember I had rented a house and I was on the beach. We're Malibu. We rented it for two days. I was there and I was just like, I read that article and I know that she's in the area. She lives in Malibu somewhere. I just looked at her. I'm like, I don't.

[00:39:25]

Know where she is.

[00:39:26]

But I just love her so much for saying that's just gone. I'm an old-fashioned girl and I just don't want queers getting married. She goes to a country club. She still kills it on the course. Still plays great golf.

[00:39:45]

That's awesome. -yeah.

[00:39:46]

-she's probably hitting. It's probably shooting like a 70. Yeah.

[00:39:49]

It's probably nasty.

[00:39:52]

I think, Kayla made a presidential bid. No, government of California. Governor of California. It's got to come.

[00:39:57]

There's a great thing. She's in a little car, and then she's going down some crazy parade route, and then someone just yells at her like, Madam governor. Then she just raises her hand. But here's the thing. I was following her gubernatorial campaign, and I was going to contribute. I just wanted to go to whatever. I'm like, Whatever events there are to this, I'll pay any amount of money to just go to this. Let me just witness this up close. I don't care if I die Let me get near whatever, brain trust. He's in a room with her? You know that documentary about Clinton's first campaign? It's a famous documentary like James Carville and Stephanopoulos. I forget what it's called. I think it's called The War Room where they're all working out the positions and what he's going to say. I'm like, Let me get in that with Caitlin Jenner, please. And then she left. This is what sucks back in California. She gave up to be a contestant on Celebrity Big Brother. I'm like, You don't really care about the future of California if you're just going to leave to be a contestant on Celebrity Big Brother.

[00:41:11]

I'm like, You don't need any more money. You're already one of the most famous people in the world. What are you doing?

[00:41:19]

Yeah, that's a weird move.

[00:41:20]

Well.

[00:41:21]

I'll add it to the list.

[00:41:26]

It's a bunch of weird moves. I'll support. I still believe... Never let them guess your next move, dude. Never let them guess.

[00:41:34]

It's unpredictable. I still believe. I still believe, big time.

[00:41:39]

And seeing her at the party. She was running too early. She was four years too early.

[00:41:42]

She was four.

[00:41:43]

Years too early. I think now-Next run, like we said, there's more of that trickle down. Magga, it's hitting everybody.

[00:41:49]

Yeah.

[00:41:50]

No, she's-She's got some support. People are going to be very confused.

[00:41:53]

I think that that is the future.

[00:41:56]

Yeah.

[00:41:57]

I think trans Maggatruly is the future of America. Yeah. I mean, it's just... It is. It's just.

[00:42:06]

Truly getting into whatever you want to get into.

[00:42:09]

It's no self-filter. It's really riding the rails.

[00:42:13]

I'll say this. I don't even like when I'm playing an online video game and somebody puts their character in a dress. True. If I'm playing Call of Duty and somebody's dressed not like a soldier, I'm like, Fuck this game. Now we got a whole… All right, whatever.

[00:42:27]

But.

[00:42:28]

Then.

[00:42:28]

Think of that.

[00:42:29]

Person's in.

[00:42:30]

A dress and a devout follower of Donald Trump. Then there's.

[00:42:35]

Something about it. I totally agree. That's where it.

[00:42:37]

Switches a little. There is something about it where you go, This is nice. Because you know all the bullshit, the annoying things about trans people go away if they're mega.

[00:42:47]

Yeah.

[00:42:48]

And the annoying things about maga people almost go away if they're trans. Because maga people get a little annoying, but if they're trans, that probably tempers that. So we might have found the perfect person.

[00:42:58]

Yes. Yeah, they're like lizards on the battlefield of the culture war. They are. Nothing can touch them.

[00:43:02]

Nothing can.

[00:43:04]

Touch them. I also like the idea of keeping, because I know we always blame Russia and China for all of our- Everything. -all of our cultural problems. Those are Russian bots producing BLM. I bet Russia and China are sitting back and watching America like.

[00:43:18]

What.

[00:43:19]

The.

[00:43:20]

Fuck are they doing? They have no idea. Russia is like an.

[00:43:22]

Old society. They must be so confused.

[00:43:25]

They have no idea. The things that we get into here, they're so confused. They're like, What they must- And then they're confused to learn that they started it all.

[00:43:33]

When we invaded, not invaded, when we helped support Ukraine, they must have been like, What? Then with Gaza and Israel, they're like, What side are they going to be on? Just everything we do, they must be.

[00:43:44]

Like.

[00:43:46]

Yeah. Kanye, I mean, they must have got reports of Kanye on Alex Jones.

[00:43:50]

Yeah, he did give like a Russian intelligence briefing Putin. They're like, This guy going full Nazi. They're like, What the fuck? Because they have to study that. They have to see where we are at any given time. They're like, The biggest celebrity in America is a Nazi. He's about to endorse Adolf Hitler. Then Putin's like, Well, they're not going to care that the Ukrainas, SS, tattoos, they don't give a shit. No, the Russian cultural briefing on what's going on in America has to be the chaotic.

[00:44:23]

Crazy thing. It must have started funny. The first couple of years, they must have been like, America, this is funny. And then now every day it's got to just be like.

[00:44:34]

Wait, what? Imagine they're made in Afghanistan with just a dude and a dress.

[00:44:39]

Yeah.

[00:44:39]

They would clench their teeth and scream.

[00:44:42]

They would be like, What?

[00:44:44]

They would be like, What? Why are we.

[00:44:46]

Doing that? They must be-Now they're just explaining trans Magda to Putin. There's two movements that are merging.

[00:44:57]

He's probably killing intelligence officers. Probably like, You, this is not clear.

[00:45:02]

But there's no.

[00:45:03]

Way what you're telling me is happening.

[00:45:05]

He's like, They're on drugs. He's like, We send them over there. They get.

[00:45:09]

Addicted to drugs. Cia fucks them up, sends them back.

[00:45:12]

Oh, my God.

[00:45:14]

It's.

[00:45:14]

Hilarious.

[00:45:15]

That's wonderful. It's so funny.

[00:45:17]

Yeah, you hear about that. I hear about that every now and again. I'm like, I'm glad that exists, but I never got the full fucking scale of that. It's so nice.

[00:45:24]

Well, it's just so funny because you got to imagine because the way they talk about it, they think the way people say it, it's like China and/or Russia is basically like, we got to find men to get pregnant in America. That's our strategy. It's not about ports and control of natural resources anymore. We got to find dudes who will say they're menstruating and put them in.

[00:45:54]

O'brien College. And then fight about it for four years. For at least four years straight.

[00:45:59]

Which if they're doing it, it's like the greatest and most hilarious attack plan ever.

[00:46:04]

Perfect.

[00:46:05]

Yeah.

[00:46:06]

It's a genius. Just making a guy join the swim team at Penn. That shuts the country down for five months.

[00:46:13]

Six months.

[00:46:14]

I think that the swimmer has been.

[00:46:16]

Tortuing the Russianian for three months. And then they just go away. Where is Leah Thomas now? What? Where is Leah Thomas now? They just disappear.

[00:46:26]

Back in Moscow. This is back in Moscow.

[00:46:29]

This.

[00:46:29]

Is just a photo of Lea Thomas. She's seven-foot-tall. There's all these Chinese people around her. She's welcomed back as a hero.

[00:46:37]

She's probably a Chinese- She's in a Chinese- -riding a.

[00:46:39]

Tank, gung. She's in a Chinese Aquarium, right?

[00:46:41]

They're all gone now.

[00:46:43]

Just pops out.

[00:46:45]

Of the water like, Oh. Oh, Ray Thomas is so strong.

[00:46:51]

Oh, Thomas.

[00:46:52]

Ray Thomas.

[00:46:53]

Is so strong. Cripple America economy for six months. We've had great swimming. It's always-The Psyob that China and Russia are putting on us is working.

[00:47:07]

Amazing.

[00:47:08]

God damn them. But I have zero faith that it's them. This is all us.

[00:47:13]

Because we're a country that's just you have all the ingredients for the crazy that's going on. -yeah. -you poison the food. -true. -you poison food for like 30 years. You make the drugs, the prescription drug, I mean, everything.

[00:47:26]

Yeah, for real.

[00:47:27]

-all of it, over-the-counter, all that stuff. You give.

[00:47:30]

Everybody that. You give an entire generation of kids meth.

[00:47:33]

-you give an entire generation.

[00:47:34]

Of kids, and they're 25.

[00:47:35]

Straight years old.

[00:47:36]

You stress everybody out. -shatter worldview. -you stress everybody out. Then you go, Let's see.

[00:47:41]

What happens. -yeah, you're alone in the universe. -let's talk TikTok. -instagram.

[00:47:44]

Let's talk TikTok and Instagram.

[00:47:45]

Let's reward people for shameless behaving. Moaning in a guy's ear at Home Depot. Which those are funny. Those are so.

[00:47:58]

Fucking funny. Those are great.

[00:48:00]

And the guy turns around like, Hey.

[00:48:03]

Motherfucker, you get the fuck away from me. What, Daddy?

[00:48:08]

That is the best. Is he the kiss guy? No. There's a guy who goes around New York and just kisses the top of bald people's heads. And it's the.

[00:48:15]

Fucking- They probably love it.

[00:48:16]

No, they get furious. People get mad. He's hitting like Honduran immigrants, dude. And they turn around and he's hitting like-.

[00:48:22]

He's going to.

[00:48:22]

Get stabbed. Dude, I don't know. He's a pretty big dude. He creeps up behind people and just goes right on top of their head and they look up and they just, Dude, they freeze. Is there? What the fuck? It's just a big guy just going like, Bye, and he just slinks away.

[00:48:34]

It's just so funny. If someone knew back then that was going to replace the Drew Carey show.

[00:48:43]

Whose line is it anyway that gets replaced by?

[00:48:45]

Making.

[00:48:47]

Guys mad about their sexuality.

[00:48:50]

It's like that would used to be home improvement. Now it's just a dude kissing.

[00:48:56]

-bothering. -just two minutes of it, too. -it's great.

[00:48:58]

-it's a two-minute video. -that's all you need.

[00:48:59]

Yeah, four kisses. You're like, This is the funniest thing I've ever seen in.

[00:49:03]

My life. I've been watching a lot of drones bothering homeless people.

[00:49:06]

-that's.

[00:49:07]

Pretty good. -that is so good, too. Just drones.

[00:49:11]

Circling homeless people. I used to be a guy who would follow fat people with a tuba. I'd see fat people turn around like, Yo, what the fuck? Because they know that's the fattest instrument.

[00:49:23]

I think I've seen people try to chase him and he plays it fast while running. Oh, my God. I mean, it's the most... It's just evil.

[00:49:33]

It's so funny, though.

[00:49:35]

Yeah.

[00:49:35]

It's objectively funny to play the tube. If he played any other issue, he'd be like, What is this.

[00:49:39]

Guy doing? No, the tube is number one.

[00:49:40]

Breaking out the tuba. I think it was from family.

[00:49:42]

Oh, I think it was from family guy. Oh, really? Yeah, there's a family guy sketch where they're like, That's a fat guy with a tubo. Or a guy falling a fat guy with a tubo. Then a guy saw that and was like, Well, I'm going to do that. There's my career. I'm going to do that. I'm going to buy these people.

[00:49:56]

I'm going to sell seven T-shirts.

[00:49:58]

Guys sitting on a bench.

[00:50:00]

Just… I wonder if there's money in any of it or if it's just for the love of the game.

[00:50:05]

I think it is love.

[00:50:05]

Of the game. I guess eventually they get money. Eventually, they try.

[00:50:08]

I mean, getting home and uploading that must feel so good. It's probably funny. Wait till you guys fucking see what I did today.

[00:50:13]

Yeah, they'll throw an ad on it eventually.

[00:50:17]

Brought you by Morgan and Morgan. Yeah, right?

[00:50:19]

Morgan and Morgan will get neck in.

[00:50:22]

If you get punched in the face after kissing a guy.

[00:50:26]

We.

[00:50:26]

Got.

[00:50:26]

You. Have you been assaulted by Elmo at Times Square because you kissed him and grabbed the dick? We're going to fucking fix that.

[00:50:36]

We have 100 nationwide offices that can handle this.

[00:50:39]

Yeah, it started. That's where it started. The freaks out front of the Chinese Theater in L. A. The tide, the naked cowboy. That used to be something we all sat back and went, Look at that fucking weirdo. Now everyone's that.

[00:50:52]

Now everyone's trying to be that.

[00:50:53]

Now it's like, That's a successful guy.

[00:50:55]

Yeah, they go, No, that's the goal.

[00:50:57]

Yeah.

[00:50:59]

Yeah, it's terrifying.

[00:50:59]

Like.

[00:51:00]

That's what we want. Yeah, I remember watching reality TV and I was like, Oh, this is going to change people's personalities. That's nothing, dude. That's just people arguing at a party. Yeah. Yeah, it's like a guy naked, dressed like the tin man. Just like poking people's butt holes and.

[00:51:12]

Running away. Well, I think reality TV helped us get there.

[00:51:15]

True, that wasn't Bridge.

[00:51:17]

Because it was like, it's like, that was just shameless behavior. There was a time when the idea of you having an argument with your wife, the idea of three guys standing in a room would be insane.

[00:51:30]

Remember that dude that punched Stucky in the face.

[00:51:33]

-yes. -no one did anything. The cameras are.

[00:51:35]

There and he's still punching.

[00:51:36]

-yeah, the cameras are still. -no one got one guy did anything. -punched the woman in the face. Nobody did anything. They just did just with the cameras on her.

[00:51:41]

That's crazy. I saw a thing, TI Sun. Did you see the clip of TI-son? He went on Instagram Live to yell at his mom and then TI beat him up.

[00:51:50]

Wait, how old is he?

[00:51:52]

He's got to be a teenager. It looks like he's in his very early teens.

[00:51:55]

And he's yelling his mom on Instagram Live.

[00:51:56]

He's on Instagram. I don't know if it's his or somebody's Instagram Live, but he's on Instagram Live in his mom's face. The footage isn't the best as you can imagine, but it's.

[00:52:04]

Like-ti wants his.

[00:52:04]

Ass on camera. -ti gets in his face. -comes into the room. -you can't see it. He's like an Instagram Live outside of his face. He's like, Fuck you. There's a bunch of people chatting. He shuts it down. It's like, You're embarrassing your family.

[00:52:18]

I know everyone says it, but thank God we didn't have social media like that. I would have gone on Instagram. I would have gone on Instagram Live and cried so many times.

[00:52:26]

Yeah, I just got my ass kicked.

[00:52:28]

Fifth grade cry. I thought your parents can't take my dad. Hit me just now. We need to report this.

[00:52:36]

My kids' mother would have been making money. That's the thing. We could have turned that into gold. We did that the right way. Yeah, true. She would just drive her van and I would just sit in the front seat with the phone like this, like, Go.

[00:52:55]

Just talk. Just talk. That is reality TV is where it definitely started because I remember when reality TV started, every single family, if you ever went to visit somebody's house, they'd be like, We could be a TV show. Our family is so funny. We should be a TV show. Then they gave us all cameras and now everyone...

[00:53:13]

Now everybody is a TV show. I remember that people would be like, they'd be like, They're missing out on gold. They're missing out on gold, not having.

[00:53:23]

Cameras here. Just someone being like, The mashed potatoes suck. Fuck you.

[00:53:27]

And all it meant.

[00:53:28]

Was just... -which is gold. I would watch that all day. That's true.

[00:53:31]

All it meant when they said, We could be a reality TV show is that we are terrible people. That's all it meant. We are terrible.

[00:53:39]

We're petty. We're terrible people. Our youngest brother quotes Anchorman. Yeah, that's all it is. -it's hilarious.

[00:53:43]

That's all it is. We throw fits when we don't get exactly what we want. We're terrible people.

[00:53:52]

Yeah, that's all it was. Louis Gogres should be a TV show. -louis Gomez should be a TV show. -well, Louis... Of everybody I know.

[00:53:57]

In the early days of Periscope, Louis Gomez, it was years ago. We'd walk home on Periscope and he'd film his walk home and I'm like.

[00:54:05]

What are you doing? He was skateboard. He would ride his bike. Yeah, he was crazy. I'd watch him. He used to love his COVID updates. Oh, my God. He did a live. He would go on live and just smoke a blunt on.

[00:54:13]

His fire. He would get high on his firescape and be like, The real interesting thing about that is it's so interesting. He would never say what it was. He would just be interested. It's so fucking interesting if you think about it. It was.

[00:54:27]

So fucking fun. Yeah, I would pay to watch Lewis's day.

[00:54:29]

Yeah, he's awesome.

[00:54:31]

He's great at that. I'd love to see it. Then there's the Jamaican episodes where he goes to Jamaica.

[00:54:35]

Takes the.

[00:54:37]

Whole gas. -takes the gas. -dig those oddities.

[00:54:41]

That just freaks. That was down to Jamaica.

[00:54:45]

Yeah, he would be great, actually.

[00:54:48]

Yeah, he'd be good. There's a few people that would be really good.

[00:54:52]

Yeah. I'd be terrible.

[00:54:53]

I wouldn't be that good. It would be unbelievable. Yeah, I'd be quiet.

[00:54:57]

I would just be red and just be like...

[00:54:59]

Yeah. Who else would be good? Louis is probably my number one.

[00:55:04]

Louis would be number one. There's nobody better than Louis. Because a lot of the episodes would be he's almost about to fight someone at Best Buy, and then people have to get involved. It would just be like the camera guy's like, No, man, it's not worth it, man. It's not worth it. And they're pulling.

[00:55:20]

Them out. And then 10 minutes later, he's having the time of his life. He's the best.

[00:55:23]

Guy on Earth. They were just smoking weed, having fun. But a lot of the episodes would center around dragging him out of a strip mall before he physically attacked, like someone at a party supply store who's fucked up the balloon order for his son's party. You stupid whore. You fucking whore. You said the funniest thing I've ever heard once were, I don't know why we spent Easter. One year I was with him, his son, and I had people there. We were having Easter at Amy Ruth's in Harlem. I don't know why this was the day. He remembers this. And the waitress was, let's just say, unmotivated, okay?

[00:56:03]

Oh, he's on their.

[00:56:04]

Fucking ass. It's like Easter. It's like, you know who gives us a shit? Louis called the manager over and said, I quote, This may be top five funniest things I've ever heard in my life. He goes, Listen, because we all want water. He goes, I know the waitress is getting a money sign tattooed on her stomach, but when she gets back, can we get some fucking water? And he said it's so bad.

[00:56:28]

Oh, my God.

[00:56:29]

It was.

[00:56:30]

The craziest. It's Easter. It was amazing. He's still probably one of my top three people, if ever.

[00:56:43]

No, he's the best for real. I mean, I forget how much you love him. And then when we were over here, we just watched his live stream of him playing Call of Duty. It's so fun.

[00:56:51]

He just reads it.

[00:56:52]

Fully reads the chat. He's like, Yeah, fuck you, pussy. Fucking right, Doggy. Yeah.

[00:56:58]

The best thing is when he threatens to fight someone on Twitter, he goes, I'll fight you right now.

[00:57:03]

Didn't he get a beef with fucking... No, no.

[00:57:07]

-op? -op?

[00:57:07]

What the fuck was that about?

[00:57:09]

I don't know.

[00:57:10]

Oh, I mean, what?

[00:57:10]

Yeah.

[00:57:11]

True. What's the meaning of life? That's that. You know what I mean? -yeah. It's a.

[00:57:20]

Broad.

[00:57:20]

Question.

[00:57:21]

Yeah. That is a broad one. Yeah, I saw that. I'm like, What the fuck are they fighting about? But it's yeah, who knows? Ashame. Hates you to fight.

[00:57:29]

It was fun. You can fight? I enjoy. Anytime Lewis gets in a Twitter beef, I'm there. -he's Billford. -i'm watching. He's billed for it.

[00:57:36]

Yes. The best was when early Gas.

[00:57:38]

Digital, when.

[00:57:39]

It was Ralph's apartment, they would have a team meeting. And I would go like we'd all sit there and Lewis would have a team meeting, be like, Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross. And he'd walk in. He'd just smoke and applaud. He's like, talking about, he's like, talking about it. He's like, All right, what's the ad sales division? And it's just like, This retarded woman from Staten Island. Like someone who's slow and shy. You know?

[00:58:11]

He was like a fat cat in a business.

[00:58:13]

Tank you know what I mean? I'm like, How are we looking? I don't know.

[00:58:17]

I don't know. A monicle.

[00:58:18]

That one knows. It'd be like someone who took a five-hour bus from Staten Island there who's a learning disabled. And he'd be like, You don't know how to computer? Figure out the fucking thing. Yeah, he'd be like, Dana is going to be handling our new ad sales division. And she's sitting there staring blankly.

[00:58:41]

She's on methadone.

[00:58:43]

She's on Suboxone, just foaming at the mouth. He's like, She's handling our integration, our vertical integration.

[00:58:54]

There was a highlight this week I was watching.

[00:58:59]

Of- Her briefcase.

[00:59:00]

Is a plastic bag. She's got a.

[00:59:02]

Shopping bag. Slams this plastic bag on the table, takes out a sandwich. They had a.

[00:59:13]

Reality show. They were going to do a reality show.

[00:59:16]

They were filming. I mean, they should have done a reality show. They should do it.

[00:59:20]

Sal from Prenatal Jogars was.

[00:59:22]

Producing.

[00:59:22]

That. I think the people like Sal, I think his people eventually were like, Hey, they just started looking at some of this footage. They're like, What? Wait a minute. They're like, What are you do? You're a star on a huge show. You're going to produce.

[00:59:42]

A show? They should still make this show.

[00:59:45]

No, it would be an amazing show. But Sal was like, Yeah, I'm going to do a show showing a young podcast network. Then I think eventually people at Warner Brothers were like, Wait a minute. What do they watch? They probably watch like-.

[01:00:04]

The people over at Sony.

[01:00:05]

-it's just juggalows defending rape for 30 minutes. Then the people at Sony, and they probably really like Sal, so they're probably like, Hey, this was great, but we just.

[01:00:15]

Feel like- We're going in a different direction.

[01:00:17]

We're going to go in a different direction. Who is it, Lewis? When he calls that woman from Staten Island a retard, and she seems a little slow, that's something advertisers don't really want to get behind. They don't really want to get into that.

[01:00:32]

It.

[01:00:33]

Would be the fucking worst. It would be the best. I mean, think of it. Think of them turning it on more for the cameras. It's already crazy. Yeah. If you threw some cameras in there, people would… Yeah. There was actually, I did a boxing match this week.

[01:00:46]

Between-another one?

[01:00:48]

Yeah, Dylan and Crack a Miko Box.

[01:00:50]

Oh, they did.

[01:00:51]

The rematch. There's a clip I saw on Twitter where Louis just forgets he's the ref and just was watching.

[01:00:57]

And they're.

[01:00:58]

Fully in a clench for a minute. They're like, Lewis.

[01:01:01]

Break it up.

[01:01:03]

I did that when I left basketball.

[01:01:06]

He stopped and watched it.

[01:01:07]

Dude, I used to left basketball on Space Out. I'd hear like, Oh, shit. And people started yelling. I'd be like, That way.

[01:01:12]

I'd be like, What.

[01:01:13]

The fuck?

[01:01:13]

I'm like, I don't know. Hey, when it's-What I started was in this little room, and it was a spare room and it was a spare room, an apartment on Avenue B. It would fit four people tight and it was tight. If it was like me, Zach, Michael, Lewis, and Moan, and then the producer, and in the room, and it was tight.

[01:01:33]

Didn't Lewis have a, I definitely have talked about it, didn't he have an all-tile apartment?

[01:01:39]

Yes, he talked about this. I've never saw him.

[01:01:42]

He had a fully tiled apartment. He had a fully all-tiled apartment with a feral dog that lived in there with him.

[01:01:46]

With a dog that lived there that was feral.

[01:01:48]

I would attack everyone. He had a full tile apartment.

[01:01:52]

I don't know where you would even find. It was a bathroom. It was like one big bathroom.

[01:01:56]

That's awesome. -he was in there with.

[01:01:59]

The dog. He's the funniest dude.

[01:02:00]

In the world. Yes. For real. Oh, fuck. Well, yeah. That's pretty good.

[01:02:07]

That's an hour, it has to be. What a dense fucking 53 minutes.

[01:02:12]

Yeah.

[01:02:13]

It's a good 53. It's a great 53. It's a great 53. It's Kaitlin Jenner, Louis Gomes. -yeah, definitely. -he's perfect to do. -i mean, we cover a lot of stuff. -truly. -mountains, get run. Just the clack, like the tile apartment, the idea of just like to him because you know he's like changes dropping at the end of.

[01:02:32]

The night.

[01:02:32]

Oh, bottles.

[01:02:34]

Just the sounds. -the dog getting into stuff. -the dog's nails. -getting all the trash. Him yelling at.

[01:02:39]

The dog. -the echo is.

[01:02:40]

Bouncing off the wall. -the echo off the tile walls. Him screaming at the dog makes me laugh so hard. Of him, what was that dog's name? -i wish I remember. -it had such a funny fight. It was like...

[01:02:50]

Dude, the best was Tommy Turner's mini Doberman.

[01:02:53]

Smoky? You're talking about Smoke? Yeah, Smokey. There was this dude we did comedy with that would come home high and drunk, and he had like a mini Doberman that was like, that was a full Plum Island creature. -yeah, it's a fucked up teeth. It had like glaucoma, its eyes were gray. And he would come home and hold a piece of steak. He'd go on Facebook live and be like, Look at this, Smoky. Fuck you, Smoky. The dog. He would pick it up and the whole time he was holding it, it was like...

[01:03:23]

And.

[01:03:24]

He was like, Oh, Smoky. Smoky. That was good. Yeah, that was good.

[01:03:33]

My friend had a mini, I think also a mini Doberman, used to give Wawa cappuccinos to every morning. And the dog got diabetes. And he was like, I didn't know he couldn't.

[01:03:41]

Have diabetes. What's wrong with him?

[01:03:44]

He would get a cappuccino for himself and a little, like 12 pounds for his dog.

[01:03:48]

For a dog that weighed 10 pounds.

[01:03:49]

Tiny dog that drank a fucking.

[01:03:51]

12 pounds. He just killed it with Wawa cappuccino. He just killed his dog. That was a Montauk monster. Someone in Long Island, some piece of shit, poisoned their dog with French Vanilla Kramer and then just said, Fuck, and then threw it in the bag.

[01:04:06]

-he didn't know. He walked out.

[01:04:07]

To sea. For real, he didn't know. He's like, He loves it. He's like, He loves it.

[01:04:12]

Yeah, probably does.

[01:04:13]

The dog was hype, dude. You go over and it was like...

[01:04:16]

I mean, it must have been the worst dog possible. It was pretty bad. It's got to be the smoke. Smoky seemed like, for real, the worst dog I've ever seen. I like Tommy, so I don't want to trash this dog.

[01:04:26]

That was a bad dog.

[01:04:28]

Yeah.

[01:04:28]

I have a bad dog.

[01:04:29]

Jacks? Blind dog.

[01:04:30]

You got a blind dog. My dog is fucking blind. It ate 14 chocolate cookies. I lost his sight.

[01:04:34]

Then it went.

[01:04:35]

Blind right after? I had to fly him here. I had to put on a fake therapy dog vest and then walk a blind dog to the airport. That's crazy.

[01:04:44]

Was it from the chocolate?

[01:04:46]

Yeah, I think so. Because it could see fine. Then I ate those 14 cookies and it was.

[01:04:50]

-how did it get to 14?

[01:04:52]

It was from my daughter's birthday party. We had dozens of chocolate cookies stacked and he just pulled them off this bench and just tore through the box, ate all of them. He was going for the second box and we found him.

[01:05:03]

If you go over to Matt's house, he'll show you that his dog's blind.

[01:05:06]

-yeah.

[01:05:07]

-it's a good trip. You'll throw something at it.

[01:05:09]

You'll give him a snack and his head, you hold a piece of food and he's like... He's like, Nose is.

[01:05:14]

Fucked up.

[01:05:14]

-he doesn't know where. -he doesn't know anything. He just lays in the sun. We put him out in the sun now. -he just lays out. -he's a.

[01:05:19]

Very cute dog. -that's probably fine.

[01:05:20]

For him.

[01:05:20]

-he loves it. -he's a really.

[01:05:22]

Great dog. -he's a nice dog.

[01:05:23]

-yeah. -he's good. -got a yard.

[01:05:25]

-dude, exactly. I'm telling you, he made out the best with us moving. He just lays. I took a.

[01:05:29]

Picture of him today. He just went blind.

[01:05:31]

-went blind. It's perfect.

[01:05:32]

You move to Texas, you go blind, you just lay out in the sun. That's what we're all trying to do. That's really what we're all trying to do. We just want someone to lead us out into the yard. That's what it's really.

[01:05:43]

All about.

[01:05:43]

It's about this. I'm a CPD treat.

[01:05:46]

Yeah.

[01:05:46]

There you go.

[01:05:47]

These lads are like... That's nice. Yeah. It's crazy. Good guy. I think that's an episode.

[01:05:53]

I think we did it. I think we did it.

[01:05:55]

Tim.

[01:05:56]

Thank you. Thank you. It was awesome.

[01:05:57]

It's so fucking fun.

[01:05:58]

Jesus Christ, man. Kill me.

[01:06:00]

We're going to do a patron episode. You're welcome to stay.

[01:06:02]

I'm going to. I'm going to do my own. It's never ending. None of this ends. No, I.

[01:06:07]

Knew that was going to go.

[01:06:08]

Colin Quinn said to me once, he goes, When's the season finale? If I knew that. I'm like, There is. It just never ends. Yeah, it's good. All right. Thank you, guys. Appreciate it.

[01:06:16]

Appreciate you.