Hey, guys. Sam talent has a big, major announcement.

Yes. Matt and Shane have been kind enough to allow me to put my next comedy special on their platform. It'll be debuting here December 26. It's called the toads morale. And you can watch it right here on the MSSP YouTube page. Thank you very much for that, guy.

I can't speak highly enough about Sam's ability as a standup comedian.

I know, I'm very. It's very nice of you guys both. You're great.

We're honored to have you on our thanks page.

Yeah, watch it. Tell your friends.

Watch it and share it. That's the point.

December 26. Tell everybody. I'll probably do some fucking gay watch party about it. But you have to do these things. Also, see me at Zany's first weekend of January. Thank you, guys.

Of course. Fucking pumped.

That'd be awesome. Be a very funny podcast appearance. Just sleeping. Just have Howie Mendel sleeping on the couch. Just sleep, dude.

Wow.

Watch a jew nap.

Yeah, people don't do that. Just watch.

They used to, but it wasn't would.

It was final rest.

There you go.

The ultimate nap.

Well, I'm already sending you down the wrong road.

Oh, no, we're not going to go down.

No. They question shadows and photos.

Do we start already?

Oh, okay.

You didn't know.

I didn't know. I know. We have the exact same conversation before we start. We talk about jews sleeping every time.

Are we on?

Yeah.

Is there an opening?

No, we're right in.

I like that. This is so fucking weird. This is a beautiful home. I don't know that you talk about this being your home, but it's a beautiful custom home that seems really expensive. Except you got a fake.

The fake fireplace.

Why would you have a fake?

I have no idea.

But it's like a beautiful home.

And then they tossed in that fireplace with fake jewels.

But you live in Texas now, where everything is like barbecue is real. Like, you got to light a fire to have a barbecue. And the reason I asked you, I just walked in and I said, are you moving? You have a lockbox still.

Yeah, I just moved. Yeah, just moved in.

But why wouldn't they take off the lockbox? Do they know you moved in? Because a lockbox.

I genuinely. I'm not sure because.

Jane, what are you doing?

Is this the house you bought? I think.

Yeah.

No, because. Do you know what a lockbox is?

Yeah.

So your key is in that?

Yes.

And the real estate company has. We could be sitting here on your podcast and there could be a showing?

That'd be wonderful. There was a plumber that came in when I wasn't here. We use the lockbox. I keep it out there. I get locked out a lot.

He doesn't lock the house.

I don't lock the house either.

Yeah, why are you broadcasting that? Why the fuck are you probably shouldn't say that.

I know the address, and I'll be auctioning it off to the highest bidder, so hit me up.

And just sitting here and meeting you in person is an honor for me because I think that you're one of the funniest people.

Do. Me next.

Yeah.

I was going to say, well, you're an author.

I don't know, Sam. I'll be honest with you. I'm not really aware of you, but I have a feeling.

No, Sam's really great. Really great author. Decent comic. But his writing.

Geez, you're an author.

I'm a comedian who dabbles in the literary world.

Before they turn this on, you were talking about.

He was being nasty.

You were talking about your book.

I wrote.

That down.

I'm not. I'm very proud of the book, but I've been doing stand up a lot longer. The book's called running the Light. It's about an old road comic, guys you probably worked with up there on the Wild west circuit, running through Calgary and Winnipeg.

Well, I'm canadian, but I haven't done the Calgary Winnipeg circuit. I'm a lot older.

We might have to put a barrier.

It might be a sincere.

I know.

What's the Calgary circuit?

I don't know. I figured you guys went out there and you performed in big pits where they had barbed wire around it so no one could get in. It's canadian comedy.

Old days. Yeah, canadian comedy. I have no idea what your book is, what you do.

Well, that's math.

His book is genuinely really fucking running the light.

Like going on past the light.

That's right.

Like in a comedy club, right?

Yeah. It's as if he was past his prime, but yet he won't stop this curse that he.

It's really. It's shocking how good Sam is as a writer. And he's very.

And it's even better on stage.

I can only act really selling. And you were also.

I remember when. Is this good?

Is it going well? Honestly? I'll say the intro was bad as soon as you walked in, I immediately extended for a handshake. I think you thought I was incorrect move.

It's not an incorrect move. I think, as my therapist always says, howie, nobody has to live in your world. You have to live in theirs.

Bobby's world.

Hi, dude.

Bobby's world was huge. It meant so much for the young man.

Yeah. Especially out west.

Yeah. Where it always looks like rain. Yeah.

Bobby's world was paid well.

Dude, is it still on?

Dude, it was Amazon, I think. I don't know where it is.

I wanted a tricycle so much, but I was too fat for a tricycle. Yeah, I was too fat and my legs were too long.

Do you know that you couldn't get, like, adult tricycles? It's huge. Tricycles.

I was, like, five years old, sir.

I was chafe.

I was telling Matt it came on every single time when I had to leave for the bus in the morning.

You had to ride a special bus?

Yeah, they had a lift on. It took a while.

Yeah.

But you were on a special bus.

No.

I like the thing you do about your. Is it your nephew?

Uncle.

Your uncle. I love that.

Thank you.

That's brilliant.

Thank you very much.

And I just love your facial expressions.

Yeah, I got it. It's an easy. It's not difficult for me to morph into that.

Isn't that?

I find that code switch. I couldn't stop.

I really had code switching. That'd be funny if we did that. There's podcasts that sometimes they use blacks.

I don't know if you know this.

We switched in and just, like.

Try.

To eat the statue.

Have you ever approached a woman with that?

Truthfully? Yes. If I'm drinking a lot. Yeah. I'm there. If I get drunk, my face is that. And the only time I've ever approached a woman is if I was drunk. So I was making that face. Hey. And that doesn't work. No. Not doing great.

Really?

No.

And then sometimes he'll have, like, a big lump of skull on his lip, and usually he's hiding legos in there for winter. Exactly.

Dig holes.

Yeah. You don't want him to take them away.

She wants to get down.

Yeah, down syndrome.

That's what I was doing. There you go.

We have a thing about living in the whole. Living in someone else's world. I had to shake hands with a man this week who I was at Target. This guy came up. He was like, hey, fan goes to shake my hand. His hand was covered in fucking lotion. It was the most fucking lotion. Like, it was like this guy just jacked off. What else would that be for? And then he was like, hey, could you talk to my friend on my phone? Real quick. His phone's covered in lotion. He was a super nice guy, but satisfied. Christ.

Another satisfied customer at Target.

Did you check his other hand?

No, but let me see the other one. He shook Norman.

No, but can I touch your dick to see if it's what I think it is?

That guy was jacking off at Target, and then he was like, oh, there's Shane.

What aisle were you?

Christmas aisle.

That's holiday season.

It was the holiday season. It is. He was jacking off on all the fucking ornaments.

Those are tiny Tim. Just, like, lubed up.

Jacked off. I would have mentioned it.

You didn't say anything.

I didn't mention it, no.

Why?

Because it was really uncomfortable and he was excited. And he was very excited, but I didn't want to be like, why is your hand lubricated?

What is all over your hand? What's all over your hand?

Yeah, what are you covering?

I got terrible psoriasis.

You're covering me in.

It was a lot.

And he'll go, I'm moisturizing. And you'll go, why didn't you moisturize the other hand?

Yeah, true.

And then you could have checked the other hand.

What's going on?

Let me touch where your penis meets your balls.

That's where the lotion stays. That's when you go, I got everything off. I don't. What is that part called?

The perennial duct.

You are a writer. You are an author.

Thank you. My wife's also a doctor, so she knows about areas.

It's actually called the perennial duct, the.

Perineal duct, I think because the perennium is your taint, where your penis meets your ball.

Perennial means that strip.

No, I'm talking about where my penis doesn't go down to the strip, but I'm talking about where your penis rests on your balls. I think, like the absolute midpoint between balls and the star.

Mine doesn't even rest. It looks like a third eye in the ball's forehead.

I used to talk about this in my act, but I remember. Have you ever sat naked and just put a pair of, like, sunglasses on your dick? You sit and you put a pair of sunglasses like those. What.

Do the bit. Why?

And then you take a cigarette or something, and you put it between your dick and your nuts.

Wow.

You hold it. Hold the cigarette. And you have a glass. No, it is. And then when you move up, it looks like.

That's a great.

No, I've never thought of it.

Never done that.

You did it. When I was a kid, I talked about it in my act. I talked about it in my act. It's a true story. So I'm doing it in my room. I've got the thing. I got a friend, so I made one. I put the glasses there, and I had a cigarette in between. I'm going like. And the cigarette moves. I know that who's ever watching this is going to try it.

Everybody's going to do it.

I'll tell you some other things I did, but my mom walks in. She walked in and I was like that, and I just, like, froze. And you know what she says to me? You fucking smoke.

Made you smoke the whole pack?

No, she was more perturbed that I had a fucking cigarette instead of sunglasses and I was talking my own nuts.

Yeah, why is that?

You're being creative.

I mean, did she know you were, like a fucking weirdo already? I didn't ask.

Were you weird mad at me for having cigarettes, not for putting.

Yeah.

She's probably trying to solve one problem at a time.

I guarantee she was. Anybody that would have walked into that.

Doing so many that my poor mother, the shit that she saw me doing. You know what? I did this, too. Do you ever have silly putty?

Oh, yes.

Do you know what silly putty is? Did you ever do it where you put it on a comic strip?

Oh, yeah.

And then you take the comic strip and then you could put that on another piece. I didn't have silly putty, but in the summer when I was sweaty, I would put my balls on the comics.

And did that work?

Yeah. No, yeah.

Really?

It does. And then on that, we had a linoleum countertop. And then my mom said, who put fucking Beetle Bailey all over it? Beetle Bailey was the. You know what it is? Yeah.

He was like the war criminal. Right.

And then he was all over and she didn't know it was from my nuts.

It was from your nutsack.

It transferred from your nuts to the.

Oh, my God. It transferred. It's amazing.

I have so many things to do this weekend.

The reason I'm telling you guys is because you live here in Texas and there's a lot of humidity, which. No, for transferring, it just adds another. It's like you would think Beetle Bailey started on the counter and didn't start in the comics.

Yeah, true. It's perfect. It's the perfect.

Or just leave them on your nuts. That'd be nice to have a.

Pardon me.

Just have a Dilbert cartoon on your nuts. Something for. I'm married, so I need everything I can get to be like, hey, you could read the funnies.

Yeah, read the funny. We could 69 and you could get a real good chuckle.

What do you see with Kathy?

Got Sunday funnies. I did a lot of things with my testicles.

Really?

Do you have, like, a pronounced sack now?

I do, because I did things I shouldn't. I got cut from one of those little red. Did you ever play monopoly?

Yeah.

Those houses. Sure, I cut my nuts on one of those red houses.

You just asked naked and sat on a didn't.

I was adhering them. I thought it would be funny if I adhered them to my nuts and what I was creating was a cul de sac.

You did cut your testicles on them.

Yeah, because they're not made for that.

They're sharp.

The roofs built that way.

Yeah, they're very sharp.

Prevent exactly what you were trying to.

Do when you read the box. When you buy monopoly, you'll say, like, the small object could be a choking hazard.

No one was even true.

This was a joking hazard. Sorry.

You motherfucker.

I'm the athending.

That was great.

Yeah.

Your nuts also bleed forever, too, if you cut them.

They do.

They bleed for fucking ever. They never heal.

Yeah.

You nick a ball sack while you're shaving, then you get in the shower.

You go, well, you can imagine how much they bleed from monopoly.

Yeah.

It's more than. Are you nuts?

You're lucky it wasn't a hotel.

Five houses.

Yeah.

I'd have to have five houses on my nuts to get a hotel. You don't just get a hotel like that. The fuck is it? Like, I got five houses on my nuts?

Come on.

That'd be nuts.

Oh, my God. Where are you going to get five houses?

Once you get three houses, you're already.

At the perineal duct. That's right.

Yeah.

Once you get the perineal duct. That's a side street.

That's a bad neighborhood.

That's a bad neighborhood. Filled with lotion.

True.

From two weeks ago at target.

It's a floodplain.

Yeah.

Circle of life.

I used his lube. I got home, my hand was still lubed up.

That's the gift.

It was insist he lubed. He was Kobe and check.

It's a Christmas.

You know what to do.

You know what to do with this.

He was your stock tip.

Little pistol Pete.

So you've done everything.

You've done everything under the sun with your balls?

Literally, under the sun.

Yes.

As a child, I didn't have a lot of friends. I didn't have any friends, really, it was just me and my nuts.

Damn.

Yeah, you're like Scarface. That's all you have in this world, is you, your balls and your words.

Do you ever try and float them in a cup? I did that once.

Really?

Yeah, like a little teacup. And you try and make your balls float, but they don't float because they're.

How do you know they don't float? Like, how do you know they're sinking?

Well, have you ever been in a pool and you ever seen them? They've never rose up on you?

Well, they can't rise higher than you, right?

I know, but I tried as a Boy to dip my gentleman's purse in a bag and see if it would float, but no, it just descended. It was the worst tea I ever had.

They don't sit on top like a water bug.

They don't float?

No, yours don't float.

Your dick does.

You know that?

My dick floats for sure.

My dick floats.

Your balls float.

Your balls don't have enough fat in them.

No, that's not true. I'm telling you that there's a problem, that you should actually talk to your wife. Is she really a doctor?

Yes.

What kind of medicine does she.

Family medicine, emphasis women's health.

I use really fast.

Family medicine, emphasis women's health.

You're putting an emphasis on women's health?

I do. So does.

She's important. You're not. What are you, a Republican? What are you, Trump?

You must love Texas.

But the truth is that they're supposed to float.

Sean, get a cup.

Yeah, get a cup.

Go to the bathroom and tell us.

This is the Patreon, Sean.

Actually, you can see it right now. Sean is a huge dick.

But I'm being honest with you that it's a problem if it sinks. There could be some. You could have a fibroid.

You could have lead in there.

No, but I'm being honest.

I don't know if you're being honest, but I feel like you're test. Mine have never floated in my experience.

How many times did you try?

Just that once as a boy. One time that I remember.

No, put an emphasis on female health.

Yeah, they don't have to worry about this shit. They lick their fingers and it's fried gold. We have to get hard. It sucks.

Yeah, I think it's bullshit.

Yeah, I know.

I'm never hard.

Yeah. I'm like half match. It's like the president's dead every time.

Toss it in there. See what goes on. See if it stays.

That's a victory. Do you have an active sex life? Yeah, I believe that.

I've been married for a long time, though. I'm old. I've been married for 43 years.

That's no small feat. That's tough.

No, it's average size.

We're two masters.

Let them go.

You got me going down the highway.

Yeah, I know. In the backseat. No seatbelt.

I'm doing Kegel exercises right now.

Oh, yeah?

While we're in a kegel stand. What, right now?

Right now.

Kegel.

Are you.

Whoever's listening now?

I am.

As soon as I'm doing it, someone.

Says kegel, I start squeezing instinctively.

Oh, there you go.

You focus on the camera. Are you doing it? Don't look me in the eyes while you do it.

So what's good with, like, how do you keep. Because I would imagine as you advance in age, a lot of your friends just lose their dicks. How do you keep your dick into Kegel exercises?

I do Kegels, and I'm not going to show it for sure now, but I've got a. I'm doing it right now. Are you really? I'll tell you, you should go home. Take a picture of your nuts. Okay.

Then do I need a big camera? Sorry.

And then do Kegels. Do a set of kegels in the morning, a set of kegels at night, and do that for six months. And then take a picture of your nuts in six months.

I don't want the balls to be bigger.

They're not bigger. I have a six sack. Whoa.

You're developing more eggs, too, but you don't celebrate Easter.

I don't even understand what that means. Yeah, but you're getting abs on.

Your abs on his balls from hegels.

Those aren't abs. Those are like a six sack. They're ripped.

Okay.

They're ripped. Nice.

Veiny.

Yeah.

Vascular.

Vascular balls.

Yeah.

I'm trying to get my dick hard right now.

Trying to get your dick hard right.

What the fuck? I'm uncomfortable. Fake fire.

I was trying to change subjects.

To what?

Dick. From balls to dicks.

How is good? That's better than we can say for ours.

Thank you.

And your ball bag looks like a crown royal pouch. Canadian showed up.

Canadian again?

No. Is that canadian? Yeah. Crown Royal. Yeah. Because you guys love the queen.

What part of Canada are you from?

Toronto.

Okay, nice. Yeah.

Seagrams. Crown oil is seagrams. Seagrams is a big canadian company.

I didn't know that. Seagram Ginger ale. Excellent. What? Seagrams ginger ale.

No, canadian.

Canada dry ginger. There's no seagrams ginger ale.

There is in America.

Yes, because we won't buy Canada dry this. There's Seagrams ginger ale.

We boycotted Canada Dry.

Yeah.

Why?

Because the war of 1812. Do you remember what you guys did?

No.

You guys came down and burnt our precious white house.

Yeah.

Me.

Yeah, your fucking canadian bullshit ancestors.

January 6, that was our.

Yeah, you guys really did it.

So I want to. Behalf of me and my entire country, that's why I wanted to be here. I want to apologize. Thank you. And thank you. Now I understand the symbolism of your fake fire.

Yes. That's the White House.

Why they come down here and do that?

Why'd they do that? Yeah, why do we do that?

Why did I do that?

Because you guys are under the rule of the crown.

True.

You were listen to. You guys had to listen to England and they said, go burn that fucking.

We would. I gotta tell you that when I started school, every morning, we sang God save the queen. We didn't have a flag until I was in fifth grade.

The Sex Pistols version.

No, wait, what was the canadian flag?

Just the Union Jack. No. Yes.

Wow.

And then we came.

You guys got the maple leaf. The maple leaf is nice. I like it.

Okay.

I like a lot of it. Yeah, I like the canadian flag.

How often have it. Yeah, it's nice.

Yeah, it's pretty good.

But I remember when we got our own flag.

That's exciting.

Google. When did Canada get a flag?

Sean, quick.

When did Canada get a flag?

Quit looking at Busty TikTok. Toronto is a great city in North America. It's a fantastic city.

When did. Yeah, I was already ten years old. Wow, nice.

You're born in 55. So was my father.

Do the math. I did, son.

Daddy, give me the big tricycle.

My nut sink. Also, instead of DNA, nothing floats in this family. Yes. Yeah. I'm the same age as your.

Chat. I've been chatting. I just said I got hard. That's it. You guys started talking about flat.

You got nothing to talk to me about, do you?

I got stuff to talk to you about.

We don't really have everything.

We were just farting around. That was a warm up for.

That's warm up.

I was going to do a podcast, but Shane didn't have time yesterday and I got a call. He can't make it to the podcast. 2 minutes later after he tells me, I go, oh, fuck. And then my dog died yesterday, all within 15 minutes.

I'm sorry.

Shane canceled the podcast.

The dog did not die.

You think they're.

I don't believe it. I saw the photo.

I sent a photo because he said, who says I don't believe it? I go, I can't talk now. My dog died. I sent him a photo, and he said, I don't believe it.

Let me see the dead dog.

You think they're connected?

Yeah, that's it. What?

Where'd you find this dead dog?

Why are you laughing?

Where did you find this dead dog?

We rescued him about six years ago. My wife and I rescued him, and he died. He has been the pillar. I rescued him the same day my father passed.

What did you name the dog?

Daddy.

Papa.

The dog's name was Papa.

Papa.

Papa. And what breed other than dead was this dog?

Breed.

Dead is not a breed.

What type of dog was it?

Mix. I'm looking at it.

I want to see if you remember.

Dark, furry mix. And I lost my father, and I thought, I have no direction in life. And we went and we rescued this dog. And the dog has been by my side. I travel with the dog, and the dog has been there. And I said, I'm coming to Austin. And there's only one reason to come to Austin. I want to talk to Shane. Shane has been blowing up the Internet, been blowing up the comedy world, blowing up toilets, blowing up. But I'm telling you, because he meant a lot to me. I'm one of the owners of just for laughs.

Oh, really?

And Shane was at new faces.

I was there that year, too. Nothing happened for me.

Well, that was the other fact. He got Saturday Night Live.

I know.

And when I heard that, I've been watching Saturday Night Live every Saturday. And you're not getting a lot of screen time.

No, it turns out they didn't want me. Yeah. Just finding out because of this podcast. They saw this and they said, no.

Anyway, he's a matt. It wasn't my fault.

It wasn't not my fault.

You said it, but you were supposed to be on Saturday Night Live, and then. Yeah, something happened, and then I had one bad meal.

What?

One bad meal.

I was venting about a restaurant experience I had just got taken out of.

No, I know.

Let's not bring it up.

Let's not bring it up.

No, but it's ancient history.

But my mother was so worried about me and paid to have the shots for the dog, and the dog has been with me ever since.

Did your mom pay?

Yeah. And I came here to Austin and I said, you know, love. What I would love is if I could talk to Shane Gill, Shane has been like a bright light on the Internet and on the stage.

His face is like a bright light. It's so round and white, and I can't believe it.

I flew all the way here. There's a guy with the camera. Flew all the way here. And then I get a call.

Where'd you get him? The skate park.

He looks like a furry.

Sorry.

It's okay. And then you said, I can't make it. And I go, what are you. Fuck. He's not going to do my podcast. He said, he can't make it. I said, I'll wait. I'll wait anytime. Just come for an hour. I'll bring my cameras here, I'll do something. And he said, no. And then I just. I just squatted down with Papa. You want to get one last pet? And I gave him a pet, and he falls over.

That sucks.

And he was taking a picture of it, and I said, send this to Shane. The dog died. He doesn't show up.

But now you're here at his house doing his pot. It's as if he power moved you. In your time of woe and grief, I would console you. He's a nasty little bug, Sean. He eats slime.

He does eat slime.

Yeah. I had to put my dog down recently, Howie. I didn't have to. He was three weeks.

Oh, now I feel good. Thank you. Oh, another dog. You're a fucking dead dog. All I hear from you is bad news. Your nuts don't float. Your dog is dead.

I am just a shit.

I got over. I'm getting over the loss of my dog. You fucking up on my podcast, and all you're doing know, just down.

Should we say, like, a eulogy in honor of your dog?

To Papa.

Yeah. I'm Papa. What? To Papa.

To Papa. Yes.

You're a writer. Go ahead. Dear ancient Hebrew God, you don't have.

To pander to the jew in me.

I'm not.

Yeah, I think you are trying to be respectful. Well, I'm just saying, dear, you open Holocaust reference, so you can't take that.

Is the first thing you did was bring up the Holocaust.

True trying times.

We were saying what we were thankful for.

Yeah.

Wow.

Anyway, sure, it could have been the armenian.

It could have been. Which I. Dear Lord above, we are here in this tragic time to come to you to offer consolation and solace to our mentor and hero, Howie Mandel. And if it would bring you any kind of sucor in your time, Howie, let it be known that your dog has gone on to feed a bunch of worms and beetles beneath the earth. And now their children are being provided for with the sustenance brought by your canine's body in Christ our Lord. Amen.

Did you think that was a good eulogy? Deal or no deal?

True.

No deal.

No deal.

No deal.

No deal.

We're doing it again, Matt.

I'm trying to fuck dog. I lost my fucking dog.

I hope you find on hold. We. We have something planned, Matt. Here's a little segment we do on the show. Regardless of who the guest is, we do a bit of a talent show.

True.

This has nothing to do with America's got Talent. America's got Talent?

No, you do.

Every week. Matt did want to show you something, true.

No way.

What are you doing? He's having an attack.

That's right.

Know what I mean?

Peaches and cream.

Just wanted to dance for you and.

See what you wanted to dance. Well.

Oh, I thought you were having some kind of. You were stricken with palsy.

Now, would you say that that was talented?

That's pretty good.

I think it started with promise.

True.

And then the truth of the matter is, it's not really about the dance. It's not about the movement. You have to give me some background. Tell me a story. Tell me something sad about yourself. Tell me something that you. And then with the story, then I will judge it.

Yeah, well, my parents both died while they were dancing, so. My parents were dancing. They used to always dance in front of us. Like at dinner time. They get up and dance, and then one time they just.

So now you're an orphan and you dance to connect yourself back to my dead parents?

Yeah.

They're a ballroom dancer.

I got to tell you something. I connect because my dog died. And what I do is when I see dogs on the street shitting that aren't mine, I'll pick up that shit to remind me of my dog.

True.

You dance to remind me of your. To remind yourself of your dead parents.

Absolutely.

And you know what I'm sensing when I see you dance? It's not about the movements.

They're not perfect.

You're not in time. But it's about the heart. And I don't know that if people who are watching, wherever you're watching this, I don't know if they can feel it. But we feel it here in the room. No, I am. You moved us. You did, and we feel it. And if it. I don't have the power to move you to whatever the next thing is from here, for sure. But if it was up to me. And there was a golden buzzer here.

Oh, confetti.

Fireworks.

Thank you.

I have talents.

You're going to sit and write a.

Book that's a little bit hambone, as we call it out there in the circuit in Calgary. Yeah.

Do you have a story that goes with that?

Yeah. So they used to call me Hambone, and then I used to do that and they'd give me food. Play your body like a drum. And I would. I would tap it and I would slap it.

Red Buzer. No, I'm just a. And maybe other people might find it good. I think talent is. And is it subjective or objective?

It's whatever you want it to be. You're the fucking writer. Go ahead. It's subjective.

Okay. And I didn't connect with that.

Okay. What if I was molested by a guy named Hambone and he taught me how to do that?

Golden Buzzer.

Okay. All right, perfect.

What's your podcast all about? What do you do?

We talk about the possibility of getting Shane Gillis on our podcast. We have other guests. How would you compare yourself to Shane Gillis?

People compare.

Manifesting. Manifesting. If you have a goal, and if you want something in life, you just manifest it and it'll come true. And we always open what is today's manifestation? Shane Gillis and Papa in the same.

Room, both of them alive, too.

Yeah. And we just talk about the virtues of manifesting. That's what we do. That's the podcast.

What's it called? The man.

Howie Mandel does stuff. No, not.

That would have been good.

Mandela effect would have been nice. What is the name of the podcast?

Howie Mandel does stuff.

Okay.

And it's with my daughter. No, I don't do stuff with my daughter.

That was my follow up. Pardon me? That was my follow up question. No, you answered it perfectly.

Thank you. Yes. And you guys are just doing stuff like whatever. Pardon me?

You guys just do, like, whatever? Just do stuff.

It's not as smooth and well planned as this. Ours is more loosey goosey and less.

Produced when it comes to the planning. I did fuck you pretty bad on that dance, and I do apologize. That should have been you initiating that dance.

Oh, it was fine.

My bad on that.

It's no big deal.

You should see him sing, too.

Oh, my God, Howie, you can see.

Him sing without hearing him.

You technically could definitely.

That would be a good thing where you take Acapella to the next level. You don't even silence. No music and no voice.

Really nice. Yeah, just a big opera, just launching out. Pretty nice.

Do you sing?

I'm all right.

I'm an amateur. Two nights ago, they had the holiday party at Rogan's. Heard about club.

Is that why you couldn't make it?

That was. No, yesterday I had into a bunch of bullshit. But there was karaoke.

I'm going to use that when you want to make it. I can't make it. Bullshit.

Bullshit came up.

Yeah, the excuse is the bullshit.

Well, you can't keep using the dead dog thing. So now you have the new one.

I said, send them. Text them. I said to you, text him the picture of the dead dog. He'll fall for that. And you go, oh, fuck, he's an ape.

Fucking cares.

I don't care.

But there was karaoke at the party and Matt got up there.

What was your karaoke? Song of choice?

Unchained melody.

Oh, wow.

Brought the fucking house down.

Yes.

That was a golden buzzer.

Isn't that a two part thing?

No, it's not.

A righteous ghost.

Wasn't that in ghost, the movie ghost?

Yeah.

Yeah. Patrick Swayze.

Yeah.

There's a video someone posted of him singing and then it was me.

You know, it'd be funny you could reenact that. Shane, you get your Patreon thing, put it between your legs like you're molding it. You get behind him like you're showing him how to mold it. And sing this scene from unchained melody from Ghost. Wouldn't that be great? And he makes that little egg Patreon. Egg thing. It does. You're right. After you peel the house off.

Discolored. Pardon? Runts. Discolored.

Yes. Thank you.

We have our own thing going over here.

You literally have a podcast going.

It's perfect.

This is great.

How is he doing? Featuring Sam.

How long is each of your episodes?

We can end it whenever, but usually like an hour.

Yeah, because it already seems like an hour.

I bet it's been shockingly not 12 minutes. Yeah.

We really also start from up top and just rip. We got all the weird energy out of the room.

Yeah.

Oh, so you want to start?

I think this has been going great.

It is good. We should keep going.

Me and you were carrying the weight.

Gay hambone.

Wait, was it you? They never found him.

Where did I put the scraps?

I don't want to ask you, like, personal questions.

Go ahead. You can. I'm open. I'm open. I'm here to be.

When was the last time you cried?

Yesterday.

When papa.

And right before that. It was when Shane said, nope, can't make it.

Can't.

Why? Bullshit. Got a lot of bullshit.

True.

I think that's fair.

It is.

I think it's fair.

What is fair?

Just going fucking excuse is mental health.

Is your mental health.

My mental health?

Yeah, your mental health.

Now you're pandering. It was mental health, okay?

Seeing that fucking picture of that dead dog, true. Sent me into a spiral because I was thinking about my dog, Shaquille, his dog's dog.

How lucky am I that right, when you cancel a fucking dog, how lucky am I? Am I the luckiest guy in the world? I mean, what are the chances that I would be here in Austin and a dog would die right beside me right when this guy cancels doing my podcast?

I've gone my whole life without finding a dead dog. Really? Yeah.

Well, that's because you're not looking around. You're wondering whether your nuts are floating.

I know.

Look up, young man. You may find if you're lucky. I'm looking for puddle your own dead dog.

I can't wait.

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Oh, please come to McGooby's this weekend. Police in Maryland. McGooby's sweet.

McGooby's joke house.

Please.

I just added some shows, so go to shanemgillis.com.

Yes.

To check them out and see if you want to go.

Yes. Mamacuster.com. Dates, please.

Samdella.com.

Oh, yeah.

Come to Capcity Comedy Club.

Hold on. Start over January 24. Get in front of the camera. Stand directly in front. Business will.

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There we go. Hey, everybody. It's me, Sean Gardini. I'll be performing at Cap City Comedy Club on Wednesday, January 24, if you'd like to join me. Headlining?

Yes, headlining.

And our friends will come and do stand up too.

No, don't try to fucking use us as bait. You. You're headlining.

If I'm headlining? In Cap City in Austin, Texas.

Damn. Sticking your face in the camera, bragging about being a headliner.

Thank you.

If you could come, I'd really appreciate it. Found a dead turtle the other day.

How do you know?

Real deal dead turtle in the pond.

In the pond.

How do you know?

How do you know?

I pride myself on being able to sneak up on animals. So I was like, I'm getting pretty fucking close.

That's your pride in life.

That's what you pride.

That's a lot of people's pride.

Animals is very, very important.

How hard? Civilization up on a fucking dead turtle. That's the thing.

I thought it was alive.

Turtles wasn't. And you didn't sneak up on it? Well, I was sneaking.

I did technically did sneak up on a dead turtle in a pond.

You fucking idiot.

Dude.

I was so close, and I was.

Like, what the fuck? Yeah, its head was all the way out.

It was like, yeah, it was dead. It's in a pond.

Turtles can be shocked very easily. You know that.

Oh, yeah. That's what I'm saying.

I'd never usually breathe around going to shell shocked. Sam writing for you now?

Sam's got me. Sam wrote a lot.

No, because you could have killed it. He could have startled it.

They startle so fast. That's why I was like, dude, this is crazy.

Usually they do. Scary. Turtles are faster than they can be quick.

They're so fast, man. Their heads are in the water. They fucking pop right down. So I got super talking about, you're.

Both convinced the turtles are so fast, they're fastest.

If you ever try to sneak up, especially on a log by water, you get close to it, it falls right in, right off.

And they stick their heads on a.

Pond turtle off a fucking log. That's not it. Scurrying. Especially if you sneak up on a turtle on a log, you say like millions of people are watching now going, they're right, they're right.

A lot of people literally are.

Sneaking up on animals is like the ultimate pastime.

It is.

It's the ultimate pastime. Sneaking up on animals is why we're here. I'm just carrying the torch into the future. I want to make sure I can sneak up on these animals. We got close to a lizard the.

Other day, sneaking up on dogs in the house. Very fun.

I was hitting my dog.

When your living dog is asleep, you sneak up on it, fucking scare them. They get scared. It's very fun.

The lower yard, I was hitting my dog with a leaf blower yesterday. You got with unrelated. I was hitting my dog with a leaf blower full blast. And he would jump up in the air every time.

I used to always like to sneak up on him and give him a little hug.

That's nice.

You could have him stuffed. Then you could sneak up on him whenever you want.

True. Or smelt him. Smelt it down.

Smelt it down.

It's like an amulet.

Yeah.

Make a diamond out of your pop.

Or you grind his bones to make.

Your bread like a witch in a fairy tale.

Although, dude, for real, I had a. Might attract ogres, someone I know. So one of my cousins, I won't say who. One of their neighbors dog died and my cousin sent him a text thinking kind of as a joke, like, yo, great, congratulations on getting rid of your dog. And the dude called him back and he's like, why the fuck would you send me that? He's like, that's so fucked up.

That is fucked up.

Yeah, I know, but it was fucked up. But he called my brother back being like, what's this guy's problem?

You know, it's. Yeah, but it's funny, right? Is that what you're saying?

Well, my brother was like, we had like, dog.

You know what's more, even more fucked up? Name him. Name him now. I'm not going to name my cousin, name your cousin.

No, they don't name the kids in his family until they're 35.

What side of the family. Is it on your mother's side?

I absolutely won't betray my family for this. But it was just funny because my brother had explained to him our family grew up, like, kicking and beating dogs. That's why it's funny. But nobody else does that. People love their dogs.

Wait, yeah, we grew up in a.

House of like, full. Yeah, everyone beat their dogs in my family.

What do you mean beat, though?

You beat them if they were bad. You like beat their ass if they were in the way.

Punch them.

Fucking fuck out of here and kick dogs.

Yeah, they've large dogs.

Yeah, poodle kickers.

You weren't beating the shit up?

Yeah, dude, they had a guard dog. They had a trash yard and they had a guard dog and they fucking shot in the head because it was tried to bite a customer. So they fucking blasted it. So that's like all that context.

He thought nothing.

Getting rid of a dog like everyone else is like shooting dogs.

He thought nothing of it.

He thought nothing.

I'd be so sad if somebody made fun of my dead dog like that.

Yeah. My brother had explained to him how like, normal people work and. No, that's actually really sad for a family to lose a dog and he's.

Like, all right, I guess. Were they fucking pussies?

Don't look at me.

I don't know where to look.

Well, I killed a dog once just because I rolled over on it while I was sleeping.

Is that true?

Is that true?

You killed a dog like that?

You haven't?

No. Did you really roll over on a dog? Why were you fucking a dog?

Wasn't fucking the dog. I get asked this all the time, all right? I was not fucking the dog. It was light frittage and.

Heavy petting.

We're back.

A lot of people didn't have faith in this podcast. A lot of them tapped out already.

True.

Who would have missed that?

True.

Do you do like a cold opening where you'll say, this is good stuff? Coming up, 45 minutes.

Cold opening.

Cold podcast.

Yes. If you wait, Sam's going to fuck a dog and kill it. Yeah, go ahead.

Not in that order either.

I like it cold. Oh, my God. Hey, you brought it up so different than America's got Talent.

If we were the judges, that'd be fun.

It would be.

Who were the other? Clarkson?

No, Heidi Klum.

Heidi Klum? Model vavoom. I wish she was that dead dog, if you know what I mean.

I do know what you mean.

Fuck her corpse.

Sophia Vicara.

Ooh, even better. I bet those float wait, you're going.

To like the Simon Cowell.

Yo, what's good on Simon?

Yeah, what do you got?

You, like, give us the dirt.

Why is he so critical?

I think I'm more critical than him.

No, you know what? I hate to break it to you. You're not more critical.

I think people say this. You're always very kind to the comics. And my one friend, my one dougie. Dougie Horner, he's a Philly guy. We started with him. Yeah, that was big for us.

I think that people don't understand comedy and don't understand that if somebody's up there. I'm not taking anything away from the ability to sing or dance like yourself, but you don't know what you're really bringing to the table if you're singing somebody else's song. You go to fucking Ramada Inn and you could see somebody singing. But a comic is out there, writes the material, performs the material. Sometimes they create a character for themselves.

Like Josh Blue.

Yeah, it's really hard. Josh. But he came up with a whole.

He has CP, but it's not cerebral palsy, if you know what I mean.

Wow.

Carry on.

A cunt and a penis. Yes.

Let's go with that. He can bang himself, Howie. He's never alone.

But the point being that I don't think people give it the gravitas and the worth of a comic, especially if you go on after somebody's been hanging upside down from the ceiling.

The chinese lady with plates. That's a tough follow.

Is that who he follows?

I don't know. She's good, though. That let you know I'm talking about.

She does NBA. She always catches the plates.

Are you talking about Hibachi?

I mean, pretty much just a regular hibachi.

Hibachi girl.

That's impressive as fuck.

Hibachi.

Still.

Yeah, for sure.

Every time I go, I'm like, what the fuck?

Oh, the guy puts the shrimp right. Shrimp tail.

Throws it in your right.

No, he gets it in his hat. Isn't that what he does?

Yeah, it's another one of their tricks.

Yeah, he's always in his hat. Or he makes the volcano volcanoes.

Onion volcanoes.

The onion volcanoes.

Awesome.

Wow.

Yeah, true.

We went to one I've talked about before, but we went to a hibachi thing, me and the girl I was dating at the time, and the guy was mad. The chef, he was just angry the whole time.

Really?

And was literally like, open your fucking mouth. He was like, open your mouth.

Gap it, slut.

Yeah.

And shot it. Right in my fucking mouth.

Whoa.

Warm.

Socky, aggressive, warm. He goes, open your fucking mouth.

Have you dribbled down your chin?

You're looking him in the eyes.

I've never done this before. What are you saying?

I just feel like hibachi restaurants are enjoyed by a population of the american community. In your black experience, have you noticed that hibachi is very popular in the community? Yeah. Every time I go, I have a.

Picture in my house. We're at mini hanas.

Yeah. It's usually the black family is very dressed up and then me and my wife, and I'm afraid to speak because I don't want to blow it for everybody. I'm not at all being nasty. This is a truth.

No, it's not a truth. It's just a bullshit observation that doesn't apply.

My lived experience would make the truth.

You live in a fucking dream world.

I don't know. Wake me up, Howie.

I like going to Hibachi and white.

True. We go to Hibachi and I've been there with my wife's family, too. We've all went.

Every time I go, it just seems like.

It's like a Dave and busters. Those things are packed with blacks.

What are they?

No, every time.

Dave and busters.

Dave and busters.

I go into Dave's all the time because they got the deal or no deal machines. I'm there all the time.

I played those.

Yeah, I got one in my office. I go up to people, like, right while they're playing and I'll go, they're so into it and they're figuring it out and they don't see me coming. And I'll just put my chin on the shoulder and go, deal or no deal, and get the fuck off. God damn it, howie.

And then you should whisper. They'll never believe you.

That is awesome. If you ever do that for.

Didn't I do that, Rich?

Didn't I do that? And didn't I get elbowed?

I did.

I got elbowed and get the fuck off of me. That was a fun.

I did.

And they were laughing so fucking hard, I had the wind knocked out of me. I thought, I'm going to surprise. They're going to be so excited to see me. This is going to be great. And then I thought, at least they'll go, oh, fuck, I'm sorry. I didn't know it was you. And it didn't even get that. No, stay the fuck away from me. What the fuck are you doing? I did. So I kind of hide. I don't go out in public too much anymore. I'm always.

You're getting attacked.

What?

You're getting attacked in public. You get attacked.

I do.

You shouldn't have to go to David Busters, Howie. You're doing quite well.

David Busters is fun.

I love it.

I know.

You know what's fun?

It's how to play the games without touching anything. That's for me. I play a whole different.

You probably have, like, a sporting wand.

I got a sporting wand.

Yeah.

That's why that guy had lotion all over his hands.

That was fucking. I'm with you on that. I might be done with fucking handshakes after that one.

There's no reason to shake hands. I don't think anybody. Even if you're not a germaphobe. I don't understand. If I don't know you, even if I do know you and you're not somebody, why do we need to touch? It doesn't even make sense.

The european greeting used to be a kiss on the lips. And then the plague happened and people were spreading the bubonic plague through saliva, so they ended up shaking.

Wait, everybody kissed on the lips?

That was the traditional european greeting.

Oliver for everybody.

Yes. Hello.

Hi, Sam.

You know where kissing came from?

No.

I think traditionally you'd hold mouth in your food and if you wanted to talk to another person, you'd flash a little food at them and then they would come and just eat chewed up food out of your mouth.

That's birds. Yeah.

I think we were. Why would we kiss?

I think that's why we birds, we.

Would sit in the wild with food, kiss us, and we would just go like that. And then we'd feed them from our mouths.

Who?

It's my theory on kissing.

That's a theory on kissing? Yeah.

Where else do you think it came from? Why would we kiss? Why would we kiss?

Because you want to fuck.

Because you're licking.

But there'd be no. You could just. In the wild, no other animal kisses each other?

Yeah, they nuzzle.

Dogs will lick another dog's ass. Why is that? What is your theory on that?

Ass tastes good because they, like, push peanut butter.

Because it's a guy.

You tricked that slutty dog again.

No, but seriously, no other animal kisses? Not that I know of. I think it was back in the day you would have some food.

The reason you don't see them kissing is because you're sneaking up on them and killing them. I would see them.

That's definitely where you would.

Behind you. Don't see them kissing.

Yes.

You're coming up behind, dude.

I'm telling you. I think as we used to just sit there and as women will come up to you and you just give.

Them a little bit. Somebody Google where did kissing come from? Where does kissing come from? How was kissing invented? Who was the first guy or girl or whoever that said, you know, let's. I'm going to suck your face.

It was Jimmy kisses.

Jimmy kisses.

He used to work at the dock and he agreed. All the Irish as they came off the boat with a smooch welcome.

And.

Then they would conscript them and they'd go fight the war.

They had to go to Tennessee.

Where does it say came from? Ancient Mesopotamia and Egypt has the first record of a kiss. Okay, and why?

Pussy bragging.

Pussy bragging on hieroglyphs on a cuneiform.

Yeah, he's drawing a bird drawing.

Why? Did it say why? That's just weird.

No, it's just because they were the first ones to write anything down. Yeah, true kisses have been there.

He probably wrote down like, I met.

A girl in Babylon.

I would imagine kissing is pretty much instinctive. Yeah.

So it was sexual, but it wasn't a feed, it was fucking shit. No, but it felt. Of course my saliva felt good.

My fucking dripping the shit off my fucking fingernails.

Dude, I'm all test.

He's teed up. So you just quit doing any more research after you read that as the nine?

Well, you didn't get an answer.

Yeah, you didn't get an answer.

So I would get stronger if I.

Kiss guys all the time.

Do you want to show him your talent? The ventriloquism act?

Oh, I don't.

You're really good at it.

I don't think I'm so humble about it. Are you talking about having Sean sit on my lap as my dummy?

Well, I was going to maybe allow that to happen in a comedic way, but yes.

Should I pretend I didn't hear that?

We can do it in private.

Yeah, we can do it in private.

Little private show.

Turn all the lights off after the broadcast.

Just like, just after. I'll have Sean sit on my lap completely nude.

But you're able to reach up Sean's ass and manipulate his lips all the way a little. Can you can move his lips with your. How do you move his lips? How do you get from the.

Watch this, watch this.

He's practicing kissing.

What do you think of that theory still?

Would you ever consider agt?

Oh, yeah.

I'm telling you, he would eat twelve dozen, hard boiled.

I would go eat eggs.

Is that your thing? You can eat?

I would eat a dozen eggs. I'd say Heidi klum, wait till you see this. And I'd suck down a bunch of fucking gas station eggs. They would have me escorted off.

We've had people do that.

We had a group. Come on. I can't remember who they were. You know who they are, Jeremy. The guy came on and just pissed himself. What.

Rich?

The guy who just pissed on the stage. They got mad, but that's what he did. He just pissed himself.

I mean, if that's golden buz, it's real.

He's a comedian.

You're going to Vegas.

He was a comedian and he had planned to do that. They didn't know. He said he was going to do something else and he just said, I'm nervous. Seriously.

Like, genius.

If you look on TikTok, they're the people from VCR party or something.

Oh, yeah. Is that the guys that do the home videos?

You know what they also did? They booked themselves on morning.

Yes, yes.

With fake things.

Yeah, they're so good.

Yeah, those guys.

No, not Chad and JT. Chad and JT do the things where they go to HoA meetings and public meetings. These are guys that were really on real. Like good morning Wisconsin.

And he was a defeats of strength.

Yes.

Was there one where the guy was like, I have to take this phone call. Have you ever seen that one before? He got on and did one of these bullshit acts. He told him. He was like, something's wrong with my father. He's in the hospital and I need to leave my phone on just in case something happens. And in the middle of the segment, he picks up the phone, he's like, oh, God. Oh, no, Dad, I love it. Like he just says his final words to his dad, live tv.

Well, that happens. There was another show that. I just love that fake stuff. But there was another guy. Do you have their names? No. You can't find them? No. He pissed himself on AG.

That's as funny as it gets.

What did you guys say to him?

I laughed, but they were really. The production was not happy.

You call that piss? I'll show you piss.

You have enough hairs.

People thought it was a joke. Like maybe he had something in his head. When I first started stand up, I thought it was funny. This is in the 70s. I'd had like a squirt gun in my pants and I would just stand on stage and I thought it was funny. I would just hit the thing and my pants would get wet. It was funny in the little club, and I would never even say anything about it. I would never even say, but it was funny to me. And I'd be going, you ever noticed, like, when you go shopping, the fourth wheel and the cart doesn't work? And then I'd hear, like, mumbling below because there's everybody.

So you saw the America's got Talent guy, and you were like, this is a genius. This guy's actually doing.

But I did these things. My wife would always say, like, who's the fucking joke on? You're not even saying, gotcha. People just think Howie Mandel pissed himself. I did that. I did so good, but I wasn't known and I wasn't on tv. And I just, like, my whole act was a fucking joke when I started. You know that it was a dare.

Oh, really?

My act was a dare? Yeah.

Was a glove thing a dare?

Well, I'll tell you what the glove thing was. And I just talked about this recently. So somebody dared me to get on stage in the mid 70s. There was before this boom, that feels like it's happening again. I went to a comedy club. I had never been to a comedy club. And they said, they're having open mics. So somebody said to me, you should go up. And I said, oh, okay, I'll do that. Thinking that the joke would just be. Somebody went, ladies and gentlemen, Howie Mandel. There's no reason for Howie Mandel to be on stage or be introduced anywhere they go. Ladies and gentlemen, Howie Mandel. I walk out and there's a smattering of applause. And then people sitting there. I've never been on a stage. And you realize I see the mic, and now these people, they stop laughing. And I realize, what the fuck? And I started getting terrified, and I start going, okay, all right. And I was trying to think of something, and they started giggling at my nervousness and my fear. And I would go, what? And that became, like, my act. And then I had nothing to do.

And I put my hands in my pocket and I had rubber gloves because I have OCD and I was out in public and I didn't want to touch anything. And I knew I probably had to go to the restroom, so I always carried gloves. So I had the glove and I took it out. I went, okay. And I just pulled it over my head and I started breathing, and the fingers are going up, the audience is laughing. And then I blew it up and it popped off my head. And the audience applauded. Sorry. Good night. I knew enough. That's a drop the mic moment. And I went, good night.

You ripped the glove bit?

Yeah. And then the owner of the club, Mark Breslin, he owns yuckyucks. Have you ever met Mark Breslin? He owned yuckyucks. He goes, you got to come back tomorrow. And I go and do what? He goes, do what you did. What the fuck did I do?

Yeah, well, close with the glove.

I went, okay.

Wow.

And so my act became out of nothing. My whole career is nothing. Well, in a moment of serious podcast, nothing.

You had done the glove before, though, just not on stage.

Breathing and moved the figures just because I carry a blog. But I wasn't a comedian.

Of course you were. Never.

I was in sales. I got thrown out of school at 17. I was not.

What did you get kicked out for?

A bunch of stuff.

The old cigarette trick. The sisters didn't love it.

The last thing was they ended up doing it in Caddyshack. But I did it before the movie ever. I didn't want to go swimming.

Shit in the pool, turd in the pool.

I did the shit in the pool, but I didn't want to go swimming. I could show you, you can see when the Caddyshack come out. Probably came out in 1980. If you look at make me laugh in 1978, I'm on and I talk about why I got thrown out of school. I threw the chocolate bar in the pool. And when the kids hung around, they all showed up at the end of the day to look to see the turd at the bottom of the pool. And I just, without thinking, I dived in and came up with it in my mouth. And then they called me to the, which I thought was funny, but when you're like 15 or 16 years old, I was the most disgusting. Everybody hated me and thought I had eaten well, shit.

That's crazy because that's literally the funniest guy on earth.

Yeah, but not especially if it was context. And then I did other things, too. I moved to another school and then I thought it was funny. And I didn't tell anybody because I didn't have any friends. But I hired a guy. I phoned the yellow pages to a contracting firm and I had the guy said, we want to add 25ft onto the library on the west side of the school. Could you measure and give me an estimate? And he said, okay, what's your name? And I said, I'm Howard Mandel.

He was like, that's an adult's name.

Yeah. I was always Howard. Everybody was mad at me. And you need to do it at 315. We'll open it up because the kids are in class. That's when I need you to measure and do it. And I did that because I was in mass at that time, and I looked out onto the field, and it was funny to me to watch this guy with a tape measure, and he's writing down things, and he's out in the field. And then I saw the vice principal walk out in the field and talk to him, and I know, like, just in my own mind, he's going, what are you doing? And he's going, I'm going to give an estimate on the addition onto the library. And he's going, who authorized this? And he goes, which made me laugh. Howard Mandel. You just see the guy leaves, and then they go, and over the loudspeaker says, would Howard Mandel please come to the office? And I go to the office, and the principal goes, did you tell a guy to build an addition onto the library? And I go, no. He goes, he gave me your name. And I go, no, I'm getting three estimates.

I'm a lot more. And he goes, could you please. Like, he's nervous. He goes, could you please sit down? And I sat down, and they called my parents, and my parents came in, and I was biting my lip. He's explaining to my parents, your son hired a company to put an addition onto the library. As if my parents. I've told this story so many times, but my parents were supposed to say, like, we told them never to do that, but they started laughing.

They were laughing.

They shouldn't get out. But I was always doing things like that. I always, like, very precocious prank eater of discomfort. Discomfort is always my happy place.

Yeah.

I guess somebody's calling.

It was one thing when you ate the turd, Howie, but this whole addition is too much. We have to leave school.

No, I did a lot of things. I would do a lot of things. I came in to class, a class on the second floor, and I would come in 10 minutes early. I would go before, and I'd unlock the window, and then I'd go to the janitor's office, and I'd get a ladder, and 10 minutes, the class is already in. I'm not there. I would just climb in through the window and go sit down at my desk like nothing happened.

Damn, it's pretty awesome.

I got in trouble for. I was not even close. I was, like, just a fart in class. That was as far as I got you were doing real good pranks.

Classical. They're good now. I'm almost 70 years old and I tell you these stories and now they get laughs. At that time I was a pariah.

You were ahead of your time.

I didn't even have the wherewithal to say, hey, you don't understand that I'm ahead of my time. You're going to love in three decades from now, you are going to find this so fucking funny. I was like 5ft tall.

You had to feel vindicated when they did it in Caddyshack, though.

No, I actually tried to sue. Well, because it's canadian that wrote it. A guy who saw me talking about it at yuckyucks. I don't think he took it. I think he might have thought of the same thing, but you can't in a movie or something like that if he took like three or four different things in a row. But I asked questions. I'm just saying if you look at make me laugh and you could look at the date on it, it's sometime in 77. And then you look at when did Caddyshack come out? Yeah, so this is three years before I was talking about. It wasn't written yet. It could be. It's easy to say, know, you throw a chocolate bar in a pool. Two people could have thought of it. I'm not a genius.

No, that's canadian schoolduggery is what that is. That's treason.

Yeah, until the queen gets wind of this.

You know there's a comedy college outside of Toronto.

Yeah.

No, in know they dedicated a wing to me there. A chicken wing.

Hold for the laugh.

I'm waiting.

Whatever. There you are. You just did an hour.

You just did an hour.

I love the signal. There's a guy off camera out of here. No, I know. I got to go because he's got bullshit to do.

He has to eat a big meatball sub.

Yeah, no, he's got bullshit. He doesn't have time. He doesn't have time.

This is crazy.

I have time for you, howie. We can hang out.

Oh, now who's got bullshit? That was bullshit time. I got to hang out with him. I got to fucking hang out with Sam.

You get to. It was his birthday yesterday.

That's bullshit.

No, true.

No, it was.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Swear to me.

I swear.

So why wouldn't you just say that?

Why didn't you use that?

Because that is bullshit. I'm an adult man being like, it's actually. It's my birthday.

It was his 42nd birthday?

Yeah, that wasn't the reason actually.

You don't think that's a good enough.

No.

Yesterday I had to do that fucking. I had to do Rogan's podcast and kill Tony.

You didn't do kill Tony?

No. I drank so much on Rogan's podcast, I got sick and had to go home.

What are you doing?

You can see the bursted blood vessel in my. Today I am now after this, I'm done.

So why don't you and Sam come over and do my podcast?

Maybe doing stuff. It's as good as this. We still have one more podcast after.

This and then hang it. We're having a ceremony. We're having a ceremony for Papa for.

The next 4 hours.

What?

It's a four hour long.

Do you need a grave digger? Because I got a guy we're not doing.

We're not burying.

What are you going to do? Emulsify.

I don't even know what that is.

Dog mayonnaise.

What?

You're going to whip him up and do an emulsion, add oil like with sardines and Caesar dress.

Never done that. Then you get it all over your hand. Then you go to target. Then you meet him.

I know. And he rips it off your fingers.

He wasn't jerking off. His dog died. His dog died. And he gave him his last little pet and he felt down and he went, Shane, kill it.

Could you emulsify some? Like anything, right?

If you could fake egg yolks, protein.

Plus fat, you could jack off with remains.

Have you ever eaten Balut?

Oh, yeah, for sure.

Do you know what that is?

Balut is what? The smoked liver.

No.

Oh. Do you talk about the egg?

Yeah.

The thousand year old egg.

Yeah.

Oh, my lord. No, I have not.

I was in Manila and they tried to get me to eat that, but it was.

How did you get in that envelope?

The manila envelope?

Yeah.

See, two steps ahead. Anyway, talk about.

Yeah, I'd rather hear about the egg. I want to hear about the egg. Shut the fuck up.

No, the duck is already almost ready to hatch. But then it doesn't. And then you eat it out like a shot.

It's like a duck eat it.

Yeah. And then the yolk and the drink is in there. And then if you chew, you could feel the feathers and the bones.

So you won't shake hands. Will you eat one of those?

Yeah.

You try to figure me out.

I can. I'm loving it. I was so nervous for you to come in here and it's been nothing but a joy.

You've seemed so nervous. I was.

Well, I opened the door and you thought I was security. I was like, hello, Howie Mandel and company.

I love that you've got the scenario going on in your head that no.

People are mistaking you for fucking security.

Well, yeah, I'm huge, and I keep you safe. That's good. Makes sense.

I love that.

He just thought.

I didn't even think.

No.

You want to know what I really thought? Wrong house.

Oh.

I thought I was one because it had the padlock on the outside. Like, nobody lives here. Then I see you, and I went, oh, maybe it's next door. Maybe I got the address off by one.

Only giant freaks live in this neighborhood. That makes sense.

To where? The real estate, maybe? Yeah, a showing. I thought there was a show.

Do you want to see the house? Make an offer?

He showed me the house. He showed me the room you're staying in.

I'm living out there.

I came home today and you were all bundled up by the pool reading.

I was reading on that couch. Your own book? Not my own.

Every page he goes, God damn, you did it again.

Good. I am good. I can feel. This is exciting. I feel it in my perennium duct. That word. You know how that's like a song? It gets stuck in my head.

Yeah.

Perennial duct. Perennial.

I could have said Paul gutters. Perineal duct.

Perineal, perineal. I hear that thing on tv. That's when your dick goes sideways, Peronis.

Yeah.

And then a prolonged boner is a priapism.

And you get those from spider bites, not from Cialis.

You can see Alice, too.

Yeah.

Cialis is a spider bite. It's spider venom. That's what Cialis is. That makes sense.

Could be.

Really? So the fact that you give that out is like, people who don't want to pay for Viagra or the little blue pill if they see a hot woman. You just stick your dick in a web.

Yeah. You carry a hobo spider and a little pouch around your neck.

You fuck a web and then.

True.

I shoot a web.

I got that one already. I heard. Last night I was on Instagram reels and I saw a guy do some crowd work that made me laugh very hard. What do you say? He's just like, what do you do for a living? The guy goes, I'm a web developer. He goes, are you a spider? That's great. Anyway, I figured you guys would want to hear that. Spider. That's what I call crowd work.

I'm starting to do crowd work in empty rooms. Nobody's doing that.

Do you do crowd? Don't? I don't really.

I did before anybody ever. You look at my HBO comedy special. You know, I was on the young comedian special. The 6th annual young. You know who was on my special with me?

Bob Hope.

No. Jerry Seinfeld.

Oh, wow.

Richard.

Never happened to him.

I don't know. Harry Anderson. It was with the Smothers brothers. But then they gave me an HBO special. My next HBO special, half of it was me talking to the audience in 1983. Yeah, there's nobody was doing that. But I was doing it because I didn't have a fucking act. That's why they're not writing material.

What do you do for a living?

How long can you. Well, I became Diana Ross's opening act and they hated me. I would pull the rubber glove on my head. There's nothing like standing in front of a room of 3000 people or 5000 people pulling a rubber glove on your head, popping it off to silence.

Oh, my God.

Get that damn glove off your head.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, that would happen almost every night to. She liked me, though.

I tried to do crowd work in Estonia. I asked a woman, what do you do for work? And she went, no.

Is that he should be posting bad crowd work. Like crowd work.

That doesn't work.

I would do, but just my worst night, if it ever happened. I don't record myself and I don't have a recording when I'm writing. But if it doesn't work, I like.

That's hilarious.

That's my favorite moment.

Joe list is posting.

I think he posted bad. He said, my worst crowd work ever.

Most of the crowd work posted is very embarrassing.

Well, I think people, there's a give for crowd work because the audience assumes that all comedy is written. So as soon as they think it isn't written. But you're also at the mercy of them being really funny. If you hit a funny character, who gives you an answer? That's kind of easy. It's more about who you're talking to than who you are. I don't think it's a real amazing thing.

Well, the dumb asses online eat it up with a big old spoon. More slop sucks.

Well, it's funny. It doesn't suck.

What?

Because you want your. I think it's okay. You don't have to give away your material and they can come see your material for us.

You're not. Why do you think it sucks?

I just think that a lot of crowd work, as someone who likes to riff and talk to the crowd. You see a lot of people posting things where it's like, what's your name? Oh, Candice, Candace. Where do you work?

And his dick Fit in your mouth.

The chocolate factor.

There you go.

There you go. Okay, that is killer. But I think it's funnier to see somebody, a comic, in trouble. If you're okay with it. I'm okay.

Floundering. It seems funny.

Durosa did that with Joe DeRosa. Had an album where the first album was him being good and then the second part of the album was the same set bombing.

Yeah, well, you know that I was there to watch every night. I watched Richard Pryor write and create live on Sunset Strip, which is probably one of the most seminal movies ever. There wouldn't be a chappelle or anybody without that. I think they all looked up to him. Eddie Murphy, I watched it bomb and I watched him write all that stuff that they loved him. And I watched him bombing every night. Just to write. Just to write. And I think we're losing that art and we're losing the joy in watching. It's like watching a painter paint something and before it becomes something, it's also really cool. The making of the making of an act. And if you don't bomb, you're never going to get anything great. You can't just go up there with something slick.

Right.

But I like those moments. I enjoy them. I enjoy those moments when shit happens and then you can. It's like crushing coal into a diamond.

Oh, yeah.

Beautiful.

Wow.

I just got pretty heavy, didn't I?

Yeah, man. But it's good. I mean, you have years of comedy experience. This stuff is.

I'm fucking brilliant. And you are so lucky.

Genuinely, we are pumped.

For real.

We'Re pumped.

We can't. Yeah.

It is not the most conducive environment to being pumped.

No, it's nice.

We're pumped.

I'm pumped.

I'm pumped.

I'm fucking stoked out of my mind.

Call me a Reebok because I'm pumped.

I get it.

Thank you.

The shoe.

That's right.

Okay, well, he told you about 10 minutes ago.

I know, but now we're starting to flow a little. Now, I told you I've liked the flow of this. Right now, everything we're doing is cutting into the beginning.

Yeah.

Do you edit well, I think we might. This time beginning was great. And cut out all references of me not doing his podcast.

We're not going to have more than a half hour.

So then it's a ten. This has been 5 minutes. It's going to be a real. In case you're doing that, I'll tell you. No, we're not even 6 minutes. Being here, you made it seem like 2 hours. And that's the beauty of what? You three, we're just getting started. I can't even imagine. Time flies.

It does. That was a blast, man.

Not this. I'm just saying in general.

Yeah. It goes faster too. As you get older.

It can go faster than does. But this makes me appreciate time flying when you're having fun. Do we have any fun? Things like this makes you appreciate when you are having fun?

Yeah.

And I'll tell you, this is more fun than my dog.

I'm sorry, Howie.

I know.

But listen, I got good news. I can cheer you up.

You can emulsify him. I know. You told me.

I have a real question. What was your favorite act on America's got Talent?

My favorite act ever. They're a group called the unbeatable and they are this group of indian. They're from India.

Nice.

And there's all these kids. It's so fucking crazy. They toss children three stories in the air on top of motorcycles and they get on top of so fucking dangerous one of them. I think the v stands for. It's not for victory, it's for whatever. The kid who broke his neck and I don't know that he's still living.

Vikram.

God, that's a kind of yoga, isn't it?

No, that's Vikram.

I don't know what it is, but if you saw. You want to see it? You want to see a piece of it?

Yeah.

Okay. Can you put v unbeatable, their act on the YouTube.

They toss kids out the window.

You said it's the scariest, most amazing.

Act I've ever seen.

And they're on. When does this air, do you know when this airs?

Tomorrow, probably.

Oh, tomorrow.

Yeah.

So starting on January 1, there is something called Agt Fantasy League. And what it was, Mel B. Came back. It's me, Mel B, Heidi. And bring it.

Show it to him.

Yeah. Throw it here.

And the top 40 acts, all our favorites. And we get to make a team.

I can see that. Can you see it?

I'm going to let them do play by play for it.

Okay.

Oh, that's a lot of Indians up there.

Yeah. There's probably 36 or 40 people on stage from seven years old to 30 years old. Maybe you can fast forward till they start doing something so you don't need the interviews.

So they're a bit of a brown man group.

Oh, shit. Are they working?

They're flying. Are they wearing your shoes?

I don't know what they're doing. Oh, look, they land. Can you see how high they're tossing?

Vicas was the guy's name.

How do you know?

They're wearing it on the back of their.

Oh, okay. You're reading.

Damn.

That's ridiculous, dude. Damn, dude. It's like, bring it on.

Oh, it's more.

They would potfuck. Bring it.

This is. This is the most. The scariest. I thought I was going to watch death. So we have the top acts in the world, people who have won all over the world. They come on, we pick teams. It's like a fantasy team. And me and the other judges are going against each other. I don't want to give anything away, but they'll be there.

Yeah.

Okay. They will be there.

Seems like an easy first pick.

You would think it's pretty crazy, but.

Maybe I didn't get first pick.

Maybe you did.

Right. We have to draw straw. Yeah. Can you tell? I don't know if this is one of their best ones, but the dancing.

Could use some work, I'd say.

Well, you know, dancing, most people watching. Are you really saying you're kidding? I got it. It's good. No, I know. Why do you feel bad about being funny? Don't apologize.

I didn't want the V man. The V's.

To get the V man group too.

Flying V's.

Yes.

Well, I don't know how he got up there.

That guy's like seven years old. These are little kids. You're not supposed to throw children.

I will say, though, I don't want to trash the show, but this is like when you see, like when you go to the circus and you're like, how they get them to do that? Somebody was hitting these kids with sticks.

Yeah, well, these kids, to be honest with you, if you know about these kids, some of them don't have families. They don't have food. They live in the streets.

They get paid in flip.

Nobody's hitting with sticks.

That's fine.

Nobody's even hitting with sticks.

They're getting hit themselves. True. They don't have a better life for themselves. And this changes their life. It really does.

How much did you guys give them? How much money they get?

I don't know. What? Well, if they win, they get a million. That's not bad.

That's a bunch.

Well, there's 36 of them.

Then they would all be slum dog millionaires. And I don't mean that racist.

Talking like that. You're not going to get on Saturday Night Live. You know that? You ruin all your chances. I'm fucked.

How would you pay them if they won? Wouldn't you have to pay them each in an individual statue of little tiny jewels?

I don't pay them all out of Simon's.

You don't have to pay them. You just go, five stars.

They're now performing all over the world. They're making a living. They got a.

No, I mean, what they did was absolutely incredible.

And so you understand. So you see that and you go, that's amazing. It really is amazing. But the hard thing is, and the shitty part of it is.

And now Doogie Horner coming up next. Doogie Horner.

Even if I'm great, I don't know if I want to go on after that. And that's hard. And the audience. What?

D Wade's one of the judges. Was that a guest?

Yeah, he was.

Yeah.

Because his wife was on there.

Okay.

Yeah, he was a guest.

Wife.

Yeah. That's got to be a tough.

What? His wife.

That's got to be a tough follow.

No, really?

Yeah, that's got to be a real tough follow. Those kids doing those flips, and then you got fucking stand up.

Brutal.

Yeah.

No matter how good you are.

Yeah, that'd be tough.

And that's the problem with being a stand up. But I always tell stand ups they should do the show. And I'll tell you why. Do the show, don't give a fuck, and get that exposure. Every one of these videos gets 100 million, even if you sink into the toilet. The problem that comics have is they worry about us four sitting at the desk. It doesn't matter. I'll never say anything bad unless somebody just totally sucks to a comic, but I'll never say anything bad. Don't worry about us. Worry about the millions and tens of millions that will watch it on tv and on YouTube. And if you do your thing, it's not about winning. Where are you going to get this kind of exposure with all these cameras on you, with this kind of platform? If you want to get exposure, there's no reason not to do the show.

It's either this or, like, a bus attack.

Right?

Yeah. Right. Kind of act of terrorism.

Right. Well, that's a closer.

Right.

But I'm talking about an entire set.

True.

So I would say to any comic watching this and anybody do the show.

Can I come on there?

Yes, you would do well. You probably do well.

Yeah, you should do it. Okay.

There's no reason not to do it. The only thing is the chances of winning for anybody, even them, are hard and tough. The chances of getting exposure and finding an audience is guaranteed. So if you do what you want to do and you deliver what you want to deliver, you are going to be in a better place. 100% guaranteed. Your ticket sales are going to go up unless you show. Here's the other problem. The other problem is I always tell the comedians if I have a chance to talk to them before, but you're going to listen to it now. Come out with who you are, with who you want to project. So let your comedy Persona be there. Even when they're asking you questions, don't come out there and go, this really means something to me.

Don't be sincere.

This is my last chance.

Are we ready?

Hey, how is everybody tonight? You know what I mean? Then all of a sudden you've lost any authenticity for your comedy. Sure, nobody's laughing at you because you're putting on an act. So if you have a point of view and things you want to do, if you're sarcastic or punny or whatever.

Sarcastic language it is your official language.

Sarcasm.

No, but I mean those you see through this.

My t shirt.

But that's the way you have to answer all the questions. When you come out. You've got to be like, assume that from the moment they say your name and you walk out, that's your act. That's your act. And your act has to be on. Don't show them another side.

What kind of questions do they ask you? Like personal questions or like if you.

Have a great story, you could be set up for a great story. You could tell them that it's a tv show. You could tell them. Ask me about my wife. Do you have a funny story about your wife? You're married to a doctor?

That'd be funny. Ask me about my wife. Great tips.

She can't sleep on her back.

I don't know that that would play. I mean, it would play. That would be just figure out things that they're not going to edit.

Right?

They edit. Yeah, they're going to edit. And then you have to go over what you're going to do and they'll edit you before that. But I think that you can wisely, I think if you're in your mindset, I'm going to play to you and not to who's ever sitting here.

Play to mustachioed simpletons. That's what I'm going to do, because he's pointing at you.

I love that. He breaks the joke. He's going to be funny. You go, Simpleton's. And he goes, why would you say that? I know. And then he goes, just kidding. I love when the just kidding comes right on.

He's not on screen talent.

Yeah, my wife can't sleep on her stomach. Just kidding.

Is that true?

No, I'm just joshing.

That's a funny comic who just says, after everything, just kidding. Just kidding.

You ever notice?

I'll take it seriously.

It's a joke. We're just screwing around up here.

True, dad? Absolutely.

Hell, yeah.

Agt.

Is that a stuffed animal? Are you holding a stuffed animal? What is that?

It's papa.

Just kidding.

It's a pillow. I'm just kidding. It's a fucking pillow. But no, I really appreciate you coming by. This was fun.

Well, I'm really. And I'm not just kidding. I am so blown away by what you do. All kidding aside, I'm talking to him. I don't know what you do, but I hear you're a great writer.

He's a really.

You a dancer, Matt? So I watched this, but you guys are all really funny, and I think what you're doing. And I said this to Tony. I did. Tony came by. Yeah, I said this to Tony. I think this Tony Shalub. Yeah. From Monk. I love that show. I have OCD. He had OCD. I felt like I was watching me. I said the movement here and the thing that people are doing for comedy, this is not since I said this to Tony. I said that in mid 70s, when I started, there was a move from New York to LA. Everybody came to LA, and you had to go to the comedy store, the improv. And that's when the Tonight show came out. And that was the thing. That was what everybody was striving for. And that's where all the sitcoms. And that's where everybody who was anybody was in Hollywood. And I feel like now everybody, and I feel like corporate America has kind of hurt comedy, the art form of comedy. I don't think political correctness has even a little space in comedy. It can't exist. You can't do the art with any political correctness.

You should be allowed to be just. And I think this move that Joe has kind of led out here, out here and the mothership and everybody. And I think the proofs in the pudding. I'm not blowing smoke up your ass. There is no smoke.

It's not a real fire.

But the proof in the pudding is you guys are playing to numbers. Like, traditional comedy doesn't play. And if you look at the numbers on podcasts and you look at the numbers in arenas and you look at even a podcast, like Kill Tony is playing two sold out arenas on New Year's, and the numbers that you're playing and you're blowing up, and I would imagine, all kidding aside, at the moment when your Saturday Night Live thing happened, you thought, oh, fuck. And now it's probably the best thing that ever happened.

Galvanized you.

I don't know that you saw it in the moment.

I had an idea. You did?

Right away. You weren't.

I never thought it would be big. Like, as big as comedy has gotten, I think. But I knew it. I knew I was going to just keep doing stand up.

Right.

But there was no reason.

No, I never was like, no, but.

What I'm saying is even to get. I don't know what the word is, but maybe semi canceled from there. If the word is canceled for jokes and comments that were not even made, not for you, especially not in the moment. Pulling things from way in the past, that's so bizarre to me. When I came to comedy, I thought it made sense. Okay. But when I came to comedy, in the watched people like Richard Pryor, the comedy club was the safe place. There is no line. There was absolutely nothing. I said the same thing. I feel like I'm repeating myself on this, as I said, tony's. But thank you for even spending this time with me. You guys are amazing. And it's so inspiring to see the young kids kind of taking. This is what I loved about comedy. I feel like it doesn't exist. And I think you guys are breathing fresh air into my favorite thing in the world. And it's not only doing comedy, but it's watching comedy and watching it done right. And watching it done raw, and watching it done dangerously and just watching it. And you are. It's kind of a dichotomy between.

You guys are on fire. Not your fireplace, but you guys are.

Yeah. Thank you very much.

My pleasure.

Awesome.

I've got big news for you. I have a special coming out December 26 on their YouTube page.

Yeah, we're going to put it out. That's important. We'll put that in the beginning.

So if you ever get a minute.

Come over and do my podcast with him, and we'll promote his.

Yeah.

Okay.

It's really an honor.

Howie, you're very funny. You really are. And you are also an amazing dancer. Thank you.

All right.