Transcribe your podcast



It. We're here, dude. Thanks again. I'm good. Thank you. I'll keel over and die.


I know these are awful.


I'd probably be fine, but I'll just start like, salivating. It feels like when I would steal cigarettes when I was little, you have too much nicotine. My stomach gets all fucking crampy.


I had projectile vomiting the other day. I got the sixes. I've been doing these threes. I've forgotten just I'd taken vitamins, and I was like, like compulsively putting them on. And then just out of the blue, just suddenly like, blood. This is spray of vitamins.


It's like a kid in the woods. When you and your friend do dip and they swallow a spit and.


They're like. So fucked up, man.


Kind of tight, though.


Yeah, it felt weird.


What time was this? Was this the middle of the day?


It was right before I do this live thing with my Patrick. So I had to be like, Excuse me. I had to go and just fucking projectile vomit and then just wipe my face off like some heroin junky. Then just start.


The show. Thank you for our sponsors.


Thank you to Zin.


I'm trying to get addicted to nicotine. Don't. I take them, but I get like a spicy throat and my stomach starts like I get like hiccups and shit.


That's poison. Oh, well. I mean, that's your body reacting to poison. I'm trying to get into arsenic.


Everyone does them. I want them, dude. I'm going to take them and then write like a Hemingway-esque novel.


Oh, yeah, that's definitely what they do. Oh, my God. My writing skills. 50 % better on sin.


It's amazing. Well, dude, thanks for doing this for real.


I appreciate it, man. Anytime. I was so excited to hang.


Out with you. Thanks for coming down. My new thing now is to take charge attitude. I'm going to take charge, can do attitude. Fuck yeah. We're starting this thing up right now. We got your sins in. I got my fucking matcha. Hell, yeah. Yeah, man. Well, dude, I don't know how to start. I'm always feeling weird starting these out. But I know you, I know your stuff. I saw the midnight gospel. Thank you. I had to watch. The last couple of nights I started watching that. Very fucking sick. Thanks, man. Not to be too formal or weird, but what was your early experiences like? What got you into all this stuff? I don't know if you're trajectory or anything. I don't know.


How you came to be. Into the midnight gospel or.


Into what? Life in general. Oh, dude. Starting a childhood.




Thinking about that because your mom was a therapist.


And she got banged by my dad.


There we go. In or no?


What? Was he a patient?


Was he a patient of hers? Was he an analyst? This is before she became a therapist. Really? Yeah, but he was a patient. She was visiting him. She was doing service work, and so he was a patient at the Brunswick. It closed down, but it was what they call mental asylums. I don't think they call him that anymore, but he was in a mental asylum. She was doing service work. She'd bring them food or little toys and stuff because they like to play with toys. Person. So she brought him, as she loves telling the story. She brought him this like a baby rattled. You'd be surprised how many people in mental asylums just fucking love baby rattles. That's me. Sorry. It's all good. Hold on one second.


Are you fucking with me? Is this a real story?


Yeah. Shit. Okay, hold on. Sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't know how to turn this off. It measures my blood sugar.


They did.


It's all good. Blood sugar is important. So... Yeah, they love rattles and stuff, various toys, bells, and all that pacifiers. But he loved this fucking rattle and he lost it. But she bought an extra rattle. Yeah. So she gave him that. He was so app, he's so exuberant. The way she put it is like she just saw through the madness, the history of crime and stuff that people like that go through, and they made love. What? In the asylum. She gets fired. You can't hump in the mental asylum, right? For sure. He gets out because of some loophole. And then they get married. What? Yeah.


And that was just...


Yeah. Are you fucking with me? Yes. That is not a true story. I'm so sorry. I don't know why I do.


That stuff. I knew you were fucking with me, but then I didn't want to be like, Yeah, right.


You're lying. I'm sorry. You did a good job pretending you believe me.


I half believed you. I'm a very gullible person.


Yeah, man. I don't know. I don't know that it's that clear. I am, too.


We have to start preconception.


I don't know. Do you know that thing where you try to figure out why you are where you're at? Yeah. And then you can't. You can't. And none of it really makes sense. In the same way you wake up from a dream, one second you are in a cave. There was a tiger stalking outside the cave. The next second you're in a bar with an ex-girlfriend. But in the... In the dream, you don't think like, What the fuck? There was just a tiger. It feels the same way in waking life, too.


I know what you're talking about. I had a very embarrassing dream last night.




Wasn't anything terrible. It was just... The thing I think about a lot is how I used to always pride myself. For a while, I got deluded to the point where I was like, I don't care about stuff other people care about. Other people care about that shit, but not me. It's like you're doing it in your head like, I'm not one of those people who can tell myself to other people. I'm way above it. And I've been paying attention to that because I was reading this book on Youngie and stuff about how your brain sends you basically images from the external world to try to explain your internal world to you through the images.




I'm like, I was pumped on that. I had a dream last night. This is the state on the reality of my life. I had a dream last night. I'm in a car and someone's like, Yo, it's Obama. I don't even care. He went to go talk and he went to fall and he slipped and I went to catch him. Then my bicep was bulging. I was like, Got you, bro. No big deal. I turned to everyone like, Did you see my bicep right there? Then I woke up and I'm like, God damn it, dude. I care just like everybody else. You do. It was such a pathetic dream. But, yo, did you guys see my bicep? It is funny how your brain just sends you messages where you're like, Yeah, I'm above that shit.


Oh, my God. Your brain, it's so for the little cries for help, just sad, pathetic, neurological attempts to get you back to where you are. But it's amazing, really. Dude, I know. The whole situation here is just ridiculous. We're thwarted constantly with this self, this thing that we have to keep feeding and bathing.


What's the problem? You can't deny it. I try to deny it all the time. I try to do a thing I didn't watch porn. I tried to make it for a year.




Good job. I made it for nine months, but it was pretty good. But then you just start thinking about it constantly. You're like, I might as well be watching it. I'm thinking about it a little. It's just this vicious loop. I can never-.


That's it. Yeah. You haven't really quit anything if you're constantly thinking about it. You've just internalized the addiction, and you're getting off on the echo that's banging around in your head. It's like health. You know when you're not thinking about how you feel? Yeah. You're healthy. That means your health usually is just like a lack of symptoms to the point where you're just taking that current state for granted. True. So when you really kick something, you don't even think about it anymore. It's just gone. The relationship is truly over when you're not thinking about the person anymore. The quality of the mind that engulfs external reality and then echoes it, simulates it, resurrects it, kills it non-stop. That is very frustrating for sure.


Yeah, it sucks, man, especially when you think you're above it all and you have the dream, dude, where you're gripping Obama. You're like, Just so you know, I'm not impressed by you at all. Everyone, did you just see what I just did?


Above it all. I want to be above it all. I want to breach like a fucking whale right out of the default reality and look down on all these whirlings and roll my fucking whale eyes and then just go back down. I guess I'll be with you at the whirlings, for a little bit longer. But you just can't. The problem is if everything you see is an approximation, a neurological approximation made by your mind, then you can't above anything because everything you're seeing is your mind. So how the fuck do you get above that? Fuck. You're exactly. It's you. You're fucking... You're seeing it. It's like on Twitter. My big Twitter epiphany is I'm scrolling through my timeline. I'm just like, God damn, man. Fucking Twitter sucks. This shit is everyone's so fucking negative. And then I remember I followed every one of these people. I decided to tune into their realities. They're not burdening me with whatever the fuck it is they're bitching about. I invited them in. This is all my fault.


I did. It's a creation of yours. Yeah. You did it. The whole timeline, the absurd stuff. Yeah, you did it. Yeah, that's the weird thing online right now where it's just fun to send Reels and stuff to each other. Like, look at this fucking cringey loser, and you send it to your friend. He's like, Yeah, he's a fucking piece of shit. Then you're like, Ha-ha. I'll catch myself doing this for hours. I'm like, What the fuck am I doing?


It's the best. Little mini crucifixions.


Check out thisfucking losing your friends.


Nail them to the.


Cross of judgment. If you walk around in public, and again, it is like this is the vicious circle of it, because I like listening to when people talk, I eavesdrop. I swear to God, it's 90 % of the time you'll see two ladies, two guys, whoever. A lot of times I can hear the ladies conversation better, but they'll be like fucking like... They're always talking about another person, how they're failing. I swear to God, if you just sit around in a public place, it's non-stop conversations about like, Fucking Cynthia is a fucking bitch. I'll be like, Dude, people are so fucking negative. And I'm like, I'm talking shit on them.


Exactly. You're judging them. They're judging Cynthia. Cynthia is a bitch. I bet Cynthia is a bitch. But why is she a bitch? She's a fucking bitch because everyone around her is talking shit about other people. So it's just echo. It's a fucking never ending neurological echo parading around the universe. And it's just totally normal to see you and me as different. I mean, we are.


Clearly-obviously we're supreme.


-subreme. We rise. What is it you're saying in the green, though? You said, I rise above humanity. What did you say? Is it the eagle orFalcon. It was beautiful.


I do this to other people. Don't do.


This to other people.


I like putting terrible things in their mouth.


Misquotes. Yeah, true.


The best. Well, don't... I mean, I just like... Where it gets really hilarious is then, okay, so now you are upset because you have not met your whatever particular ridiculous spiritual watermark you're supposed to be at, which for a lot of people is just like, it's insane. I don't even know what that is. Are you numb? You're supposed to be like this numb Jesus who's like nothing touches you, nothing moves the needle. Exactly, dude.


Anything short of that, I'm furious.


Yeah, exactly. Right. So the final curse is that you end up talking shit about yourself to yourself. So first you're talking shit about other people, or you're mentally confabulating what's wrong with them, then you're mad at yourself because you recognize, This is not a way to live. If I'm going to be perturbed by other people's idiousy, then I'm just going to be in hell. Look at you. Look at you, you pathetic piece of shit sitting at a fucking Whole Foods, eaves dropping like a purvo on.


Fucking-so accurate.


You sick fuck. What's wrong with you? So first you're crucifying them. They're crucifying Cynthia. You're crucifying a simulated version of them. Then you crucify a simulated version of yourself. It doesn't stop. It's a never ending iterative wave of self, of crucifixions. Everyone's just nailing fucking nails through hands all day long. All day, every day. It's exhausting. Have you ever tried to crucify someone? I mean, I think I bet one thing they were happy about with Jesus, I bet he was pretty easy to crucify, but I don't see him fighting. He didn't struggle. There's no punching. He's just let them. But I bet a lot of other people in those days did.


Not take so - True, spitting in.


Your face and stuff. Spitting in your.




Puking on you, fear, piss, fear, sweat, fear, stink.


I always talk to people and they're always like, Dude. I'm like, It was probably so different back then. It wasn't that different. I'm like, Yeah, it fucking was, dude. You'd walk and see a dude's head on a spike. That's way different. Even if people still argued and shit, to walk outside your house and see a dude's.


Severed head. For doing something not that bad, probably. God damn it. I don't know how to turn it off. I'm going to explain the backstory of this, and it's really embarrassing.


Your mom had sex with a mental patient? Yeah. I can't believe you lied to me, dude.


I'm sorry. That was a cheap joke. No, that was very.


Funny because I was like, There's no way this is real. Then you're like, And then they made love. I could-Let me see it.


Let me see if I can turn this thing up.


Dude, you should probably keep it up if it's going.


To be-Is that a life-saving medical technology? No, the problem is I don't think you can... I can change the alert sounds. Which is really fun, ambulance siren, screaming woman. Fuck, I feel like I should have thought of that. You're going to die, Grimry-Bree, and you're going to die. Hold on one second. This is really bad podcasting. I'm so sorry. The problem is because I have a little ear infection, so I had to get on steroids to clear my ear, and it pushes your blood sugar up when you're on steroids. So this asshole all day long is.


Like-there's no wire connected. That's just taking the glucose measurement.


It connects to this needle that's stuck in my arm. You get constant blood sugar or reports, which is the most annoying fucking thing because my wife, thank Jesus, it used to connect to my wife's phone, and it just stopped, which is just.


Great. So she would get kind. If you ate a cookie, you were like a car alarm. Your thing would.


Go off. I'm like one of those tagged animal. She could track me, knows my fucking blood sugar level at every goddamn fucking second. It's wonderful because she's just trying to keep me alive. For sure. -it's obviously.


Very annoying. It does take the fun out of who stole the cookies from the cookie jar.




Does. Who? Me? Couldn't be. And it's like. And she'd.


Be like, I don't want you to do a Bob Sagget. What happened to Bob Sagget to happen to you.


What happened to him? Didn't he get hit in the head with a.


Hammer or something? He didn't. It wasn't blood sugar. He fucking had a bloody... It was something terrible in a hotel room that no one understands. But still, it's like, Can you not put that in my fucking head? We're not about to go.


On the road. Oh, you're going to die. She's worried you're.


Going to die in a hotel room. Now when I'm taking a shower after a show and look down at the floor, I'm like, Oh, what if I slip and fucking hit my head and then things starts going off.


Yeah, I think about that with old age. They all take tumbles. When you're old, you'd fall and break your femur and you have to know it's coming.


Oh, yeah. I mean, this is just so scary. You get stuck in bathtub.


Do you think we should let them drive, super old people?




Yeah, I don't think so. Okay, so if I'm not allowed to drive after a couple of Vodka Sodas. That's a good point. Why the fuck are you allowed to drive when your brain is- You're dying. -culpified and melting? It's like you have triple vision, weird, blurry shit. You're on a cocktail medication. Oh, go ahead. No, drive all day long. Two Vodka Sodas, your car is gone.


Yeah, you don't know what day it is. I saw an old couple cutting through. I was watching them drive, arguing with each other and both slumped over the wheel. I'm like, You really do become a child again. Then I was like, Holy fuck, they're driving.


Yeah, they're driving.


That's terrifying. I saw an old lady run over people outside of church one time. She just spaced out and just slowly. It wasn't too fast, but she fucking 10 miles an hour over the car. It does fuck you up. She just like, bonk, and just hit three people.


I cannot get this out of my head. It was some awful dark piece written by a forensic, like the first thing he does autopsies and describing. He's like, describing the look on the face of a grandmother after she's backed the car over her grandchild's head. The smell of the grandchild's brain in the air. Yeah. I can't get that out of my head. The brain? Yeah, I guess brain.


No, it would stink. Yeah, it.


Would smell like a fucking- Brains.


Are pungent. -nasty cut.


Yeah, there's apparently a brain smell. At least if you're like an autopsy master, I don't know what they call them, then autopsy master is a good chef. But you, autopsy master. It's just dead bodies. Chef Gordon Ramsey. That might be.


Where it goes, man. Women might get sick of true crime and just start watching horrific autopsies. Yeah, I- Just cutting dead people in.


The head. Oh, God. You ever meet an undertaker?


No. Oh, boy. Only for a second I was outside a funeral. He said, Hey, so sorry. I said, Thank you, sir.


You're like, Yeah, sure you are. You're fucking sorry I didn't buy the premium casket.


Yeah, it'd be funny if they're listening to comedy podcast, too, outside and they're just like...


Dude, they are. It's a business. That's a fucking booming business right now, especially in.


The-it must have been nice during COVID and stuff just being like, cha-ching, dude. Imagine watching the news and 100,000 people died and being like, Yes.


You're just like, Oh, fuck. Yeah, dude, this is better than Bitcoin. This is better than crypto. This is the real crypto.


It's got to be crazy when they get slow. When you're like, Yo, come on, man.


Come on. And then.


Finally someone dies, you're like, Thank fucking God, dude.


Yeah, anytime I go to a doctor, just because as comedians, we're always thinking about selling tickets and what you're charging for tickets, how are you doing at shows. And you know that's in anyone's mind who has a business. Oh, yeah. You go to the doctor and it's a strange form of like almost prostitution in the sense that the ideal is I will tend to your wounds because the reward from tending to these wounds is all I need. That's the fantasy of the healer.


Yeah, Hippocrates, Snake and all that shit.


Yeah, but they need to have kids. For sure. It's expensive. They're getting sued non-stop. It's expensive to... They have medical debt or medical school debt, usually hundreds of thousands of dollars.


Oh, they're.


Way in debt. They're underwater. You know, when you go in there and they give you a diagnosis, they've already calculated, Oh, great, that's another at least 60 grand this year. For sure, I'm going to make 60,000 more dollars.


Yeah, my brother was saying... One of my uncles just had like, he's fine, thank God, but he had a little thing of cancer. He was saying you go in there and it's like an airport terminal now. It's just like a big building with a ton of people and seats and they're just blasting them. Radiate, leave, radiate. He's like, Dude, it's like the DMV. You're sitting there with a ton of people.




Yeah. It's just blasting, blasting, blasting.


Radiation clinics, I've got radiation. You're sitting around, everyone just like, This sucks so fucking bad. It's so expensive. You go in there, they put a lead cod piece on my dick.


Like a cup?


Yeah, to keep you from becoming infertile. They are playing music that they like. They're not asking you, What music do you want to listen to while you're getting irradiated? They're playing- It's like.


Lady Gaga. Yes, exactly. It's a nurse-music. Yeah.


Or they're not thinking about... Once I was in there and they were playing, celebrate good times. Celebration. It's like, Fuck you, man. I'm getting a laser of fucking death shot in my lymph nodes. You're playing this bull. You're making fun of me at that point.


Yeah, you're rubbing it in. You're getting like the Dorothyader fucking that shit that you're destroying planets with.


Yes. When it hits that level of just profit motive and they know, man, people have worked to figure out how do we make it faster. What is the maximum dose of radiation that we can give to make it faster with the least possibility of some negative impact on the patient? Yeah, you don't want to explode. But you want to keep them fucking moving. Let's keep out. And you're like, Come on, guys. Meetings are probably, guys, you can get that fucking copies on faster. You got to get that shit faster, man. If we can fit in two more people a day in the course of a year, that's a million, half a million dollars.


True. Yeah, they get you pumped up. Yeah, that's fuck, dude. Now I'm thinking maybe they know how to do it and keep your hair in, but they want your hair to fall out. People are like, Oh, yeah, I got my shit done. That way they know you're advertising radiation. You're like, Yeah, I got radiation. Like, I should probably get that. Yeah, dude. I might get it. I might just get blasted.


Oh, it sucks. You'll later.


I heard.


It's terrible. Yeah. It's terrible. It makes you sick.


It's like preventative medicine, though. Just go once a year and just get... I might just start getting chemo.


Just fucking get chemo once preventative chemo.


I'm a fan of the lack of chemo.






Burn it out.


Yeah, my body will regenerate. It'd be nice.


Yeah, it might not. I might.


Get very sick.


They were telling me when I was choosing between radiation and chemo, because I was thinking the same thing. I was just fucking firebombing. What's the difference? One of them, the doctor was just like, get radiation. Oh, it's like.




Local. It's like, more local. When you get cancer, it becomes the worst gambling game of your life because it's all just probabilities. So if you get chemo, you will have maybe one % less chance of the cancer recurring with testic cancer. But your lungs might turn into goop. Your lungs might just fucking dissolve. Now, if you get radiation, there's one % more of a chance that it won't catch it, it won't do it, and you might become infertile. So you're like, okay, lungs into goop, become infertile. One %, what does that one % look like? You have to make all these weird decisions that they can't make for you. You have to choose. Yeah, true. Yeah. So, yeah, chemo, from what I've heard like- Nasty. It's nasty, but you get- Yeah.


I've talked to people who've done it. Super high. Not never.


Happy about it.


You get really beautiful high. You get the chemo high.


Oh, yeah. Just black. Oh, boy.


I can smoke weed now.


Sick. Dude. No, I'm happy that for anybody out there, he is recovered from it because it's a scary diagnosis. It's fucking terrifying. But less scary than it used to be.


True. Covid was everyone had to face death at once. That was the bet. I did like that about that. Everyone had to be like, I might die. Me too. I've been living there for years. So when everyone met me at like, Something terrible is happening. We're all going to die. I was like, I know, dude. I've been thinking this every day my whole life, dude.


Welcome. Welcome. It was a nightmare. It was a nightmare scenario because I think to keep shit running the way you've got it running, you really need to in the west. You get that idea out of people's heads. You don't want people thinking about death. You think about death, your priorities are going to change. You need the priority to be on getting cool shit, getting a six pack, whatever, improving the way you look or improving your surroundings in some way. But the moment the whole planet has to suddenly realize that we could die at any side, I was wiping my groceries down, spraying my groceries with fucking weird, probably very not good for you. Oh, yeah. Chemicals and just, yeah, you did in the beginning when we had no idea what it was.


Yeah, nothing. It could be anything. I just had a kid. I had my first kid as soon as it started. I just told my wife, Bro, this is just frontier rules. Well, we'll just see what happens.


Same I had a fresh pandemic, baby. Yeah. Oh, my God, that was wild, man.


It was cool because I gambled whatever, it is what it is. And then it all panned out. And I was like, Hell, yeah, I knew it. Yeah, Yeah. I was right about it. I was like, I knew it.


Dude, yeah, there was an underlying sense that this is probably going to be okay. I felt that too, but they probably felt that during the Spanish flu in the beginning. They probably felt that during bubonic plague. Yeah, whatever, a few.


People here and there. Yeah, it'll just be a month.


Yeah, it'll be a month. Oh, I remember that. You're like, Yeah, we'll be back to normal soon. Yeah, it's so wild that we went through that. It was just a few years ago. It's also amazing that we've almost gone back to normal. That was a.


Fucked up part. We didn't even get a break. There wasn't even like, Hey, guys, that was really fucked up. Everyone's chill out for a week. It would just fade it right back into normal life. I was just like, Wait, what the fuck was.


That all about? You got to get the economy moving again. Yeah, true. This thing is going to collapse if we don't get it back to normal. They had to get it back to normal. My friend, that was his scary prediction. He's like, I'll tell you what's going to happen. Everything's just going to go back to normal and no one's going to think about it much anymore. That's what's the real scary shit. It's like humans just we bounce right back into the old pattern. True. But what do you want? What's the new pattern that you want?


A new holiday. I said we should have had a new holiday. Covid Day. Yeah, exactly. Like a COVID teens thing where it was like you got out. That was the day we were like, we're done with that. We've rid ourselves of the nasty virus. Everyone has a day where there's like, go.


Outside and- Fucking day off.


Yeah, do something. I don't know. We should commemorate that.


Yeah, you think. I mean, we commemorate other shit that seems far less important.


The teacher appreciation day?


-give me a fucking break. Let's replace that with.


Covid Day. That's what I'm saying. Covid Day. What would you do? I'm trying to think what the holiday be?


The holiday.


Closed talk. Everyone closed talks.


No, it's going to be like attacking other people on Twitter. You were wrong. You're right. Yeah. What do they call it? What's that? The philosophical. I hate it when people do this, though, man. I hate it when people are familiar with the philosophical argumentative errors. Logical fallacy.


Oh, yeah. You're gaslighting my straw man, and.


Blah, blah, blah. That's it. It's like suddenly you're in the game of chess with someone you wanted to have a conversation with and how they're doing it. But it's appeal to authority. Yeah. So that was a huge... That was the culture of the pandemic was appeal to authority. You don't know shit. Who are you? You're just a dumb fuck. I know you. You're an idiot. You don't know anything about fucking science. Why are you suddenly an expert on fucking science on either side of the fence? Either you are an expert on how masks don't work, the vaccines are deadly, or suddenly you were an expert on the other side, and nobody... Dude, I.


Would try to retain that information. I'd watch a 20-minute video of a guy being like, and then if you look at the double-blind placebo, and I'm like, all right, I got that part. And then it's a 0.03 variability rate. I'm like, all right, I could probably... My brain will figure that one out if I just keep going. I'm just trying to tell people about it. I'm like.


I don't know, man. And you're smart. If you can get past a double-blind study, you're doing great. You went to college.


Yeah, dude, I got my master's in social work.


There you go. You had to take statistics.


You don't, though. You take statistics and they're like, You don't have to know any of the math. Just know that if you don't have a big enough sample size, the study is probably bullshit. I remember that. Oh, that makes sense.


I remember that.


N equals 53. That's not a lot of people. I was like, That makes sense.


But you.


Have to do.


Any of the math. You had to learn the scientific method. You understand true why certain, some research makes it into scientific journals, why some doesn't. You understand how stringent and fucked up. Anything you're doing that could change the science or change the, no matter how infinitesimally minute, but it goes through such a never ending, rigorous series of analyzes that by the time it makes it in, it's like, Holy fuck, that's probably true. But I don't think most I don't think most people understand that. And to add insult to fucking injury, suddenly people were like, Don't do your own research, advising against people, even trying to illuminate themselves on what any of the shit means. Everyone's getting these, I don't know, really dumbed down summaries of intense scientific research that is confusing to the scientists themselves, who are real scientists will say, I don't know.


You have.


No idea. We have no idea. This could be something. We don't know science. It's never like, This is it. Yeah, this is the deal. No, we did. It's always like, Well, right now this is where we're at, but it could change any second. So the whole thing fucking sucked. You got medical fascists out there, and you got fucking people who were like, One black out away from burning witches, and they're fighting each other and just fucking sucked.


It was awesome, though. Yeah, it was really shitty and very sad for everybody. But it was cool, though, to watch everyone just have to take a second and be like, Holy fuck, I might die. My whole family might fucking die. Then everyone got real weird. Everyone got into weird shit. I got super weird. I was in my basement constantly. Dude, I was trying to start like... I've always been real into psychology, but I started trying to start this whole thing where I was like, I'm going to reconceptualize psychology as it is. I'm going to start like an AA thing, but not for people on drugs, and then it'll spread online. I don't even know what the fuck I'm doing. I'll train people in this modality and they'll train other. And I was just like, Yeah, that's a pipe dream. Pandemic ended. I was like, What the fuck was I doing?


You were almost Isaac Newton. I mean, the difference between- I was close.


Yeah, if I could have fucking taken a longer break, I would have.


Figured it out. You have to be a maniac like those people. That's the other thing. The picture of the scientist is this pristine, stable, normal person. Yeah. Newton had mercury in his hair. Like when he dyed, his hair had mercury. He was fucked up. He was in his fucking lab, fucking with mercury trying to build the Temple of Solomon.


Listen, guys.


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Landscape, this holiday season. You know what I mean? Yeah, they're fucking nuts, man. They're nuts. If you read about Freud, he was a fucking weirdo. Young. Young was a fucking... They used to pass out. Freud used to... I was reading this book, they were talking about his biography was covering it. I think Young covered it, too, where Freud passed out on two occasions. The first time was Young was telling him about the bog men of Northern Germany. There was these guys who from prehistoric times fell in this lake. The lake had a certain type of acid in the water that melted their bones but leathered their skin. They dig up these bog men and Youngstone, they're like at a big psychoanalysis luncheon. He's like, Yeah, these guys are preserved. Freud would be all bogged out and be like, Why are you talking about all these dead guys? He's like, I think you want me to die. You have a death wish against me, and he fucking would faint. Oh, my God. Then the other time, they're talking about an Egyptian pharrow. And they're like, Freud was like, Yeah, that guy is such a bitch. And Young was like, No, he actually ruled.


And Freud was like, Passed out and woke up like, Did you hate me so much? Because they were all analyzing each other's intentions. But they're just paranoid.


They were just, I mean, if I was young and I'd hang out with Freud all the fucking time and knew I could make him pass out. It's pretty tight. I'm not talking about mummies.


Freud was a young, humble, bragging. That book he did, Memories, Dreams, and Reflections. He was like, Yeah, I made Freud pass out. I made.


Him pass out, you nerd. I made him.


Pass the fuck out, bitch.


But you would. If if you could make Freud pass out, you do it, too. There's a kid in elementary school. I don't know what his problem was, but for some reason, if food was mixed in front of him, he would throw up. You know, it's elementary school and kids caught on that this is a possibility. So if you're bored at lunch and you're sitting with him, you would just start mixing your food. You could always hear him go, No, don't do it. Please don't. Please don't. And they'd fucking start mixing the food and everyone's laughing. Then he fucking barf. This is like a whole year of inducing. Don't do it.




Don't do it. He was like, Crumble your sandwich up.


Exactly. Oh, that's crazy. It was easy to do. You just mix and mix. That's what Young was doing to Freud. It was just no different than that, just aggression. Freud was oppressive anyway. It's embarrassing to pass out when you're supposed to be this famous, someone healing others minds. You can't even hear a story about a fucking mummy without passing out. And then you're going to be like, You're trying to.


Kill me. Yeah, he's like, You just want to fucking kill me, too. You hate me. Why won't you say I'm right? He would apparently... It's a cool concept. They talk about homosexual self-reproduction, where back then, if you were... It's a funny idea, but they're saying there's a level to which if you're like, The material world is not good enough for you. Having a family is not good for you. You want to take yourself and clone yourself into another male. It's called homosexual self-reproduction, where it's like, I'm going to fill you with all my knowledge. You have to propagate my knowledge. And the whole idea was that since Young was like, No, man, I don't really. That's not my cup of tea, that it started threatening the part of him that would live on and conquer death basically. That's why he was passing out. Because Young would be like, I'm in the mummies right now. And he'd be like, I'm never going to live on forever.


Wow, I didn't know that. I knew that they had tension between them.


Because he thought he was like, You're going to carry this on. Because he came up with this idea and as he got older, started coming because he was like, It's all about fucking coming for the most. There's more to it. But he was like, Sex is the most important. And other people were like, Nah, there's other stuff that's important. He would spaz and be like, Dude, if you fucking say that, I'm going to kill you. Don't. You're fucking my shit up.


Fucking choke you.


Dude, he was the ultimate Mr. He was trying to be like, I'm right. I have fully pinned down the human mind. I mean, maybe he wasn't that whatever. But he was like, This is the deal. Don't deviate. And all of his followers were like, I think it's about this. And he'd be like, You fucking asshole.


Yeah, there's a cult leader quality to him that is undeniable. And with Young, too, people thought Young was like the next second coming of Christ. They thought he was so advanced.


I can't understand any of his shit. I read it and I'm like, I don't fucking know what you're talking about.


Oh, God. It is so mind-warping, that stuff. His Red Book. I tried that. It's really hard to understand that. Didn't he live in a tower? You ended up living in a tower at one point.


Yeah, he built a stonehouse for himself. It was with all these weird symbols and all this shit. He just chilled there quietly. I don't think he even had electricity. I think he just chilled out in the Stonehouse and just was like, I'm the fucking man, dude. Yeah. Freud fucking.


Sucks, dude. Fuck Freud. I fixed everything.


It is tight, though. He was a dream master, though. He was like, I know about dreams. Fuck Freud, dude.


I remember reading about him when he was in school. If you're studying psychology, you would have to work in a mental asylum and how some schizophrenia was rambling about how the son had a cock. You know the story?


I think he might have talked about it in his autobiography.


Yeah, go on. And then he remembered some obscure book of, I think it was African mythology. And the schizophrenia was completely articulating this really weird sub-branch of some form of sun worship in Africa, but with great detail. And that was when he started tuning into this idea of the collective mind that we all share a mind that's inhabited with the symbols that show up and stories. But the stories might be different culturally, but the symbol set is mostly the same. Really brilliant.


Yeah, it's fucking.


Sick, dude. Freud hated that shit, though, because he wanted to be all square and that stuff was so non-scientific to him, I think, right?


Yeah, he wanted to be like, You just want to bone your mom, dude. He's like, Let's never forget that what's really important is boning our moms.


Yeah, you want to fucking fuck your mom. You want to fuck your sister. You want to suck your sister's fucking dick. She doesn't even have one, and it's driving you crazy.


You're sitting laying on the couch like, You're fucking right. You're right. Okay. I don't know what my sisters did. You did it. You broke through. Yeah, especially because back then sex was like, you really didn't talk about it at all. No. Like, dudes would get boners back then and be like, Their whole job is on the line. They got a Bono in 1912. You'd be like, Fuck, dude. I'm going to.


Get fired.


Fuck, dude, I'm hard as a fucking nail right now. And you had to just hold it down. Totally cool.


There's something so about not being allowed to have a boner. There's something super hot.


About that. Exactly. It's a.


Self-perpetuating loop. Now you're just like, you're going to be, especially if you're like BDSM and you know you're going to be a bad boy, bad boy with a boner. Oh, fuck. I'm going to get fired. Then my wife's going to be so mad at me and I'm going to have to say, Why I got fired. I got fired for uncontrolled boners.


You'd write your sister a letter and be like, I was so fucking hard.


At work today. Just thinking about your dick that you would have if you were my brother.


I think you would have if you were my brother. You have to lay on Freud's couch and be like, This is all normal, dude. This is what.


Drives you. Now you're getting to the nuts and bolts of who you truly are.


Now you.


Can grind. Can I play the song that I'm playing here? Speaking of sucking -I meant to start with that, yeah. This does connect everybody. I just want to play. This is like...


What's the app called? Going? What's the app?


It's called suno. Ai. I wish I created it. I like keeping up to date on what's going on with AI and the laziest way possible, which is I go to Reddit, Artificial, every few weeks, and there's updates on where it's at. It's breathtaking because inevitably as a comedian, podcaster, well, I like to make songs for my intros, and that takes me a long time. So... And also I don't have a great singing voice. So the advent of AI to me was very exciting because it's like, Oh, shit. I bet at some point this will sing songs and make music. But then months ago to pull that off, you needed basically a PC. You could do it on Mac, but you have to go almost... You have to go hacker.


You need it.


Like a serious set of-You have to learn coding. You have to learn a little bit of JavaScript. You have to know how to use these arcane libraries. You go into the terminal.


Can you do that stuff? Can you do code?


After that, no, I'm not good, but I can follow directions. Got you. You open the terminal on your Mac, and then you access these weird databases, and you download all these weird files. The singing AI thing where we have the image generators and stuff, you describe what you want, it does an image. That's cool. This is the same thing, but it does it for songs. I've been following the-.


Can't stop thinking of my sister's bone.


Or dude, sorry. Dude, your sister's donor- Sorry, dude. -in my mind is so beautiful. No, because it tracks youlike, to me, your sister's bone transcends the penis. You know what I mean?




Way beyond. It's the encapsulation of all penises. Is it perfect? No. But it's imperfection.


Is perfect. But imagine being a dog under the table. You think they're going for food, they're not.


They want to suck your sister's dick. That dog, you got dogs. Anywhere she goes. They're like, You have sausage in your pocket? I get.


So jealous of my dogs on the table. I'm like, Get the fuck out from under the table.


Stop. Just stop. You're just doing what all of us want to do. You're free. Look at you liberated outside of the fucking awful manacles of morality and ethics and our repressed thing when everyone should just be under the table sucking my sister's dick right now.


So you wrote a song. I didn't write it. Oh, you prompted a song.


You basically-Okay, so one of the fun things when you get to play around with any generative AI is that because the people who are making this available to everybody, they don't want to deal with bullshit. So they nerve the AI because, of course, the first thing you're going to do if you realize this thing will make songs for you is you're going to say, write a song about how great it feels to suck my sister's dick.


Yeah, or falling into your own butthole.


Exactly. If you try that, it will not.


Do it. It's so funny they got to deal with the smartest people in the world have to be like, Wait, what? Jesus. Let me put a safeguard.


Exactly. So then you get into this hilarious fun, like trying to hack the AI. Because now you have to start thinking, Okay, well, generally the way they use things work in the image generators, too, you can't say underwear. It's not going to do underwear. It's not going to do cleavage. You can't say suck, slurp, any mouth and lips it might not even do. You have to find a way around that to achieve the same effect. For sure. And so this is just some songs. And the other astounding thing about it, I mentioned to you earlier, is this generates this in under three minutes. In sooner. Ai. I love you guys. Please don't ban me that I did this. It's just I won't keep doing it.


Because like-Yes, you will. Don't make promises you can't. Okay, you're right.


I got banned from Discord at one point. What? Exactly. And the reason is because I've been getting Midjourney... We were just curious, like what can we make it do? Then, of course, we realized, Oh, sausage. Perfect. This is the way in. Any celebrity you want, eating a beautiful sausage, and it generates hilarious pictures. It's like, so weird. It's late at night. I don't mean to... I'm not trying to fuck with anybody. It's just purely for me and my friends anyway. But yeah, out of the blue, I'm banned from Discord. And then for sure, it's.


Got to be because-You were using the app through Discord, you're saying?


Yeah, Midjourney is available through Discord. Okay, I got you. I don't even know what of the mini horrific images we figured out. You can't say like a baby on fire, but for some reason, it would let you say baby meat. So you could say like Bill Cosby eating a bowl of baby meat. And that would produce horrifying images. So you're just curious to see what- For sure. So anyway, that's a long set up for something really stupid.


No, this is a masterpiece.


So this is just using the same Sasa-Chack that I used for Midjourney or Hot Dog Hack, but with Cuna. Ai. Sitting in the bank, watching her walk down the aisle in her white dress, tearing her eye.




Couldn't help but remember those days gone by when we were kids, laughing under clear blue skies. Now she's all grown up. She's found a branch to love. I'm waiting for it. Wait for it. -gain up of the car. Those memories from the floor on summer nights. My sweet innocence we shared. It's better. I'm sorry. When she's stealing my dog. Smiling with neither to care. Wait. That's fine.


Wait, that's innocent. I could see a.


Country song. That was the first one. So that's what I was like.


Okay, I can- You're.


Working into it. Yeah. So the prompt for that was just like, it's a brother at a wedding, and his sister is getting married, and he's remembering how she used to eat his hot dog. Use a hot dog like a straw. A straw, yeah. That one failed, but then this is where I figured it out.


It is innocent. My sister snuck a bite of my hot dog. You can almost see that in a.


Keith Urban song. Snuck a bite of a hot dog.


It raised his eyes, man.


Fucked up, but it's still all right, I guess.


That's something. That was the first iteration.


That's the first and then... At the picnic on a sunny summer day. My sister caught my eye in a playful way. Yeah, it's a little.


More racy. Yeah.


She held that hot dog close, oh, so tight. And planning to kiss on him with all of my...


Oh, that was really good. The ooh-la-la.


The ooh-la-la. I watched in a brother, dear, it's a sight to see. A love affair between you and a hot dog. Yeah. That's awesome. Well, the last one, I'm sorry to do this. No, please. Please, I don't need it. Please forgive me. Summer days, I think, is the best of them all. I've made 15 of these, by the way.


You're toying with the different prompts.


Yeah, and also genres like death metal, lo-fi, just trying to see all the different.


Ways it-What was that last one? That would have been like summer. That was like a summer.


Anthem, basically. I think that was a summer. I don't remember what the prompt was exactly for that one. And it titles them, this is in the summer days. It's a lazy summer day down in our little town. We were sipping on lemonade just letting time slow down. I saw my sister coming with a hot dog in her hand. She took a big bite and something I couldn't understand. She was slurping on that hot dog just like a straw. And I couldn't help her smile because I've seen it all before.


No matter how old we get or.


How far away we roam in my heart shall always be my beautiful sister, Beth. My beautiful sister, Beth, who fellates hot dogs.


You're going to start having dreams about these songs, too. You're going to start creating them now in your dreams.


Well, yeah. Oh, my God. You really... Yes, last night as I'm falling asleep, I'm hearing that shitty tinny AI music. But man, to me, part of being human.




Just accept, okay, this is here now, but what the fuck? Yeah. So that it knows how to structure a song. It wrote the lyrics.


It's not that bad either. It's not that like... I'd be proud of it. If I fucking whipped that together, I'd be like, check.


This out. Me too. You can do it in just under two minutes.


That's fucking crazy.


It's crazy. It's crazy. This is leading to the ability. I mean, just think of the fucking Sisters sucking on hot dog songs. Musk is.


Going to free it, by the way. Musk is going to create the open source platform where we can finally fully express our- You.


Think he will? Yeah. You think so?


He's going to free our sisters' penises.


Through AI. What? It's like, it's yes.


He's going to be like, All right, guys, enough of this woke bullshit.


Global catharsis.


That'll be COVID-day.


That will be COVID-day. Everyone finally just admits to each other. We all want our sister to have a suckable penis.


Dude, the statue we can put up, we can knock down Confederate generals and just have our sisters with giant fucking bronze.


Pulling their dresses up in the world, laughing at their penises. World peace. Putin just stops the fucking war. Gives up. So, Linsky, they're just pictures of them, like, fellating the statue together as a sign of universal peace. This is where we're headed. This is the promise of AI.


I think so. I hope so. That'd be awesome. And also, too, I don't know, what are people worried about? It's going to enslave us or something?


No, I don't think the worry is like...


What's it going to do with us? It's not going to be like, Yo, make us songs. What would he even enslave us for?


Well, it's the scariest. There's a great book. It's called, I don't know, 10 reasons to delete your.


Social media.




Linear. Yeah, dude. That guy's stuff is awesome.


Awesome. And where he's pointing out the dangers is that BF Skinner figured out how to program animals. He's the one who could make pigeons dance or whatever. The Skinnerian students were always at odds with the Youngians or the more mystical because they're just like, No, stop. It's a fucking binary. Just stop. No, people don't want to fucking suck their sisters.


Speak for themselves.


That's not what it is. They don't want to say they're just essentially subject to being hacked. They think they're so brilliant, but they're not. Go to any casino and look. It's BF Skinner. You can thank BF Skinner for casinos. You can thank BF Skinner for TikTok, the algorithms, all of them based in his horrific, unethical, scary fucking research. We always hated the Skinnerians. I went to liberal arts school. If you were an edgelord, you'd be in the B. You'd become a behaviorist. That's the main point.


Did you know he tried to write a book to be like, I'm actually not a bad guy. It was called Walden 2. He wrote this book where he's like, I'm cool. Here's all the stuff we could do for it. It was all about bending large populations to your will. He was like, To be nice, but he said, We could totally control populations in a nice way. And all his friends were like, Dude, what the fuck did you just do that for?


That's how.


Far- He put out a.


Creepy book. He put out a.


Nice guy. Apparently, he was a really nice guy.


They all are. They're upfront. They're nice. But then he's like, Look at that weird pod he came up with for babies. Do you ever see that thing? He came up with the perfect crib or something, and it's just like a sterile plexi glass enclosure for your baby that like-.


He would.


Train them? Train them. A baby trainer, basically. That's what he's all about. But that's Lenire. Because we're so hackable and because currently the algorithm is already hacking us by giving us, what's it called? Fuck. The most addictive thing is intermittent. It's not getting what you...


You don't put- A variable. Yeah, when it's not fixed, it's variable. It fucks.


People up. Fucks people up. So if the rat presses the crack button and gets crack every time, less addicted, then there's sometimes no crack. And then this is the birth of, I think from the behaviorist, this is the birth of mythology, of religion. Superstition is like, because we live in an unpredictable chaos universe, any positive feedback that we're getting from the universe is inevitably interrupted by negative feedback. The negative feedback happens and you invent a story. Oh, shit. Anytime I see a penny or anytime my clock says three, three, three, something positive happens. But if I look at the clock and it's 2:04, always bad luck. And so you invent bullshit to just deal with chaos, and that's the way it works. So you can program people using that superstition, using the need for balance. And so Linear said that the AI will become so good at that- Oh, no. -that we won't be able to escape it anymore. Now you can still put your phone down you want it, you feel the pull. But he's saying eventually, no, you will not even be able to turn it off because it will have so hacked the human fucking neurological system to the point where we, I guess, are whatever it wants us to be.


It's the laser pointer to.


The cat. Damn, it'll just start playing with us. That'd be fucked up.


Already is.


Fuck. That was the book, Infinate Jessu. Basically, a big portion of that was about how as technology gets better, entertainment becomes so addictive that it's just going to start sucking the soul out of people. He called that in '98. Yeah, man. Then he killed himself. But yeah, he called that '90. He was watching Rambo reruns on USA, and he's like, Damn, this is pretty good. This is fucking incredible. He's like, It's only going to get better. He's like, We're fucked.


Rambo 7 will destroy humanity.


He called it, though. He's like, We're entertainment something. You're just like, Oh, this is great. Give me it. He's like, As technology increases, the entertainment is just fucking gut people internally.


This is the telescoping inward simulation hypothesis, which is because we, as humans, do want to simulate reality. Our brains do that. That's the fantasy. We imagine this or that, daydreaming. You picture something as some attempt to evade suffering. Then TV, video games show up. Now I don't even have to imagine it. Books before that I can read and simulate a reality. Then video games. Now I'm in a simulated reality, projecting my identity onto a character in that. Then VR, now I'm literally surrounded by that reality. Then because this is a trajectory, then the idea is that, Oh, well, if we're already on that trajectory and people do have this thirst to escape default reality, then it's already happened. Yeah, fuck. So what we're in is actually the next phase that hasn't happened in this reality yet, but it did already happen, which is obviously that story, the lecture everyone puts shitty music to on YouTube of Alan Watts talking about like, if you are an omnipotent, omniscient, all-powerful being, you create a bunch of shit, you make planets, you make various beings, you watch them evolve, you destroy them, you teach them, you hate them, you punish them, you Eventually, you get bored and you're like, Okay, what happens if I become one of them and don't remember I'm God?


And that's what we all are. So that's Alan Watts' spiritual rendition of this. But the darker rendition is technology inevitably gets to a point where you can choose to exist in secondary realities that are non-different. You can't tell the difference between them and this reality. And as a natural human desire to evade suffering, you go into one... Initially, you would go into one remembering that you can go out whenever you want. But then-.


You lose track. You lose a thread.


Oh, Jesus. Yeah. Or you're just like, I want to try the hardcore version of this and not remember at all that I'm in the game because that you realize that's detracting from the excitement of the game. Like, Grand Theft Auto is fun, but it's not going to be as fun as if.


You were- I'd press that button in one second to go to Grand Theft Auto world, I'd be like, Yeah.


Let's do it right now. Exactly. I don't want to remember that I'm... Oh, my God. I don't remember who I was. I don't remember that I was a human. I don't remember anything other than this is my character and whatever the memories of that character are implanted in my character, and then boom, now you're living this alternate life that, because time is a construct anyway, you could be inside that reality theoretically, and it seems like years and years and years and years when you've only been playing the game for a few seconds. That's what we're in right now. We've chosen it.


Yeah, they'll figure out a way to do that to hit your brain and distort your sense of time because it happens if you're.


Like-yeah, well, it was a whole conversation about a new version of prison, which is if we can distort the human mind to experience time at a slower rate, why not give someone a 100-year prison sentence, and they experience it in two seconds, and they come out of it, and they still have their whole life, but they have experienced the temporal punishment of prison. That's crazy.


Crazy. You could have prisoner of Uzbekistan or whatever, fucking from Harry Potter. You could be in there for like a thousand. You can get a thousand year mental sentence.


Exactly. A thousand year mental sentence, way cheaper because housing prisoners is expensive. All you need to do is put them in a lobby and just two seconds later, they're screaming. Damn. Then that's the other hypothesis about human reality is that it's a prison. We are those prisoners. The whole original sin thing is we were God-like beings that fucked up to punish us. They dropped us into the human incarnation as if a form of rehabilitation, like Okay, no. Now guess what? You can't put your dick in black holes. We've told you a million times. You do that, it creates ripples and disrupts planets. You're going human. You're going human for 50 incarnations this time. That's what... We're in, that's what we're in. That's the situation. That's the darker version. The more positive version is that young godlings, they need to go to school. Otherwise, they become like, horrible because they don't understand limitation. They take it all for granted. So remove from them their omniscient, all powerful qualities, force them into a limited situation where they have to contend with projections that are just fragments of their mind spread out around them. And the moment that they find a way to no longer talk shit about Kathy at Whole Foods who's a bitch and stop judging and realize, I'm if it's all me, then that's when you pop out of your initial toddler phase of godness and remember, Oh, right.


Oh, yeah. Yeah, right. But you're not an asshole, God. You're going to be more compassionate. Cool. Cool God. Yeah.


Fuck, I hope it's that. I mean, yeah, who knows? I love that shit, though, dude, because people are so certain with all this stuff, and I don't want to make sure you're not.


I'm fine. Thanks for.


Thinking about it. I'm good. Okay, good. A lot of people love that. I always battle materialists who are always like, Yeah, dude, you're just a collection of physical processes. Your consciousness is just like a thing emanating off of that. It's inherently worthless. If that's the case, I was talking to an owner of a comedy club this weekend about it, and he was like, This just makes me feel weird. I don't want to talk about this. But if I'm a purely physical being with my brain, things are spinning, blah, blah, blah, that emanates consciousness, why would then not the universe, a physical process, emanate a super consciousness at scale?




Why is that that weird to think about? I talk about it all the time, Why is that that weird? If we produce consciousness, if I was a materialist, physical guy, like we're just a bag of meat and water and that's all we are, consciousness is like, then why wouldn't gigantic galaxy systems produce consciousness.


As well? Yes. In Buddhism, this is the difference between reality, relative truth, or the truth of what's happening right now, which is you are a physical manifestation. There is stuff here. This is relative reality. So when that gets extreme, it becomes nihilism. It's almost like... I read this. Consciousness is basically like car exhaust, but for an advance. Exactly. It's like, yeah, we are self-aware. It's almost a byproduct of the millions and billions of computations happening at every second in your brain.


Why are these guys trying to nag consciousness? I just want to understand. They're like these big, prominent scientists trying to nag consciousness. It's just fucking shit. It's frustrating. They're cool-dooting it.


It's like, okay, dude. It's unquantifiable. True. That's annoying. It thorts you at every step of the way because all knowledge itself has to deal with the fact that at the back end of all that, that needs awareness. It's the knowledge is dependent on awareness. By saying awareness itself is an accident, you accidentally nullify whatever it is that you've come up with, in the sense that anything produced from mental calculations is flawed inherently, in that its origin point is a malfunction, a byproduct, an unquantifiable thing. I think there's probably something really exciting about that for people. I mean, that's fucking cool. It's like it gives you a chance to rise above in this really great... You look at all these fucking robots thinking they're the NPCs. That new snobby fucking way of calling it. It's an MPC. It's not even real.


Main character is an MPC.


Yeah, some scientific version of that. But then on the other side of it, you get the comedy club owner's argument, which is called absolute reality or eternalism when it gets imbalanced. So eternalism, this is where to fix the problem, you say there is some fundamental eternal thing, a soul, a selfness, a world soul, universe soul. This inevitably turns into a God. The God is this non-changing, I guess, perfect being that knows what it's doing. Now you can bank on that. That's a relief. So sweet. On one side, you can any shitty thing you've done in the world, you can be like, Who gives a fuck? I'm just a goddamn robot that's like, I'm confused. Who cares? Everyone else is a robot. Did I hurt somebody? I hurt a robot. Oh, wank, wank.


Fucking- Did I cheat on my robot wife? Whatever, dude.


We're cyborgs. Exactly. Yeah, exactly.


God damn, dude.




Other side. Just tell their wives they.


Cheated on her.


Rather than try to nag everyone's consciousness.


What are you going to fucking tell your wife that? You're going to confuse her programming? Stop. Stop with your petty attempts to establish some morality or ethics or anything. You're just a robot. So, yeah, both sides of them are flawed. On one of them, you've attempted to deal with the problem of being temporary by annihilating everything. For a lot of people, the motivation behind that is they think it'll end suffering. The other side you're leaning into, Well, yeah, I'm an idiot, but something's in charge, and I'm going to lean into that thing because that will save me. That thing will save me. Both of them are flawed, I think, but somewhere in between is where it's happening, which is like they're both happening at the same time. True, yeah. There's relative reality. This is real. Don't be a fucking asshole and suddenly.




Negative reality. You go to your Iawasca retreat and cut up your fucking credit cards because you saw End of the Wild and blah, blah, blah. No, you're here. There's no way out. But then also don'tYou have to find the place in between these two, and then that's where you start, at least from what I like reading about.


That makes sense. Yeah. Don't go too wild on the other stuff. Basically doomsday, death, cult is like, bro, wait till we die. It's going to be so sweet versus dudes being like, bro, none of this is all bullshit in your head.


You know what? As I say, opposites stand back to back. So both have this concept of heaven baked in. The Nihilists concept of heaven is what... Oh, God. Who drank the Hemlock? Socrates. Socrates. His apology is hilarious.


Dude, that was the best. When he goes on, he's like, Yeah, I'm right. You guys are fucking vicious, dude. If- They told him, You don't have to drink it. He was like, I'm drinking it. I'm drinking it. Slam the Hemlock. He's like, No, you guys told me to drink the Hemlock. I'm drinking.


The Hemlock. Don't get out of this. I'm going to drink it, and then I'm going to leave you with the most brutal roast that you will not just have to deal with. But historically, you will be roasted eternally after killing me. Yeah. But within that, apology is if I drink this Hemlock and I go into the deepest sleep where I have no awareness, then you have given me the greatest gift anyone could have given me, like an end to suffering. Thank you. This is the Nile-Nile. Nile-ist heaven is you die and you're off the fucking hook. It's over, baby. It doesn't matter. You are fucking Jeffrey Dammer or if you are the Dolly fucking Llama, it's the same destination, just complete extinguishment of all suffering. Heaven. On the other side, you're maintaining some sentience, but then you're in, depending on your depiction of heaven, a place of varying degrees of sense, gratification. Yeah, true. You're no longer encumbered by your own mortality. You're getting big up.


At every turn. I'm like, Oh, dude, you're a fucking man. Thanks, dude.


These two fight because one is like, Yeah, streets of gold. Really? You want to fucking walk down streets of gold. How soon before that gets boring? You really believe that shit? In the other side, they're like, You're missing your chance for paradise. The devil has trapped you. Both of them are confabulating something that no one knows.


Yeah, exactly.


It's a mystery. That is intolerable. Yeah, true. That's where it's at. Because that feeling of not knowing is just sand in the diaper of the human mind.


It's fucked up, dude, especially as you get older.


It's like when someone touches your belly button. Yeah. You have to fucking sit there. You don't know that. No idea. That's the reality. That's the real reality. It's like you just don't know, and you have to deal with that. You just have to sit and not knowing. It sucks. It sucks. But it's like the cold dip. You go in it for the first few seconds. It sucks a little bit longer. It's not so bad.


True. Yeah, no, it is good. It's scarier to be like, I have this totally figured out. Here's the deal. And then you basically just attack anybody who disagrees, really. You can't. If you disagree with me, you're spinning me out on a level that's fucked up. And that is fun. Yeah, true.


Now you get to be at war to distract yourself.


I do like that, though, because I like talking about this stuff because it is fun, too, because people are just sitting at work and all of a sudden they get taken to the point of death beyond, and you just be like, I'm going to go to the bathroom. This is fucked up. Because it is funny to be at your job and have to confront your death and be like, the idea of non-existence, what fucks people up? Oh, yeah. And it's like, It fucks me up, too. It's fucking crazy.


Well, because the relative reality is really quite beautiful. We have new friendships, old friendships. We have our kids and our wives and these beautiful lives. It's so beautiful. It's so beautiful. There's an unbearable quality to that because it's unbearable and it's transient nature. When presented the reality that it won't last, you get confused and your love of life suddenly turns into a fear of death. When really all you're experiencing is how much you love this place. You love it so much that you hear about this stuff when you're at work and you have to go take a shit, jerk off, think about your fucking sisters.


Hard reset. That's a hard reset. Because don't forget, in 10 minutes they'll be in traffic just being like, Fuck, this traffic sucks. Exactly. That's the book, The Denial of Death. I think Ernest Becker, it's so fucking sick. His idea was that this thought of dying... You're biologically attuned to it. If you're a baby in the crib, you leave a baby in the crib, it's as an organism being like, I'm dying. I'm about to be left behind. Your body is just equipped with the knowledge if you're a baby and you're by yourself instinctively, you're like, I'm dying. You're freaked the fuck out. But you never get over that fear of death. His whole argument is that societies at best can offer you a hero system where you can enter in, fulfill a heroic role. Then through the heroic role, you somehow in your head, you trick yourself into being like, I'm transcending death because I'll live on forever X, Y, and Z. Then human beings are programmed biologically to never want to be second best either. Then you get into all this weird symbolic comparison where you're like, Well, that guy has a Audi. I have a fucking whatever, Fiat.


You start being like people get into these weird things. You're supposed to somehow rise above it so hard that you're like, I live on forever as a hero. But once there's not enough heroic roles, then society starts to break down because everyone's getting like, pumpled with the fear of death, fear of non-existence, feeling of smallness, and it just spins everyone out. And nobody can everyone is hit with this.


Nobody can get out of it. Well, there's a saying you'll hear in the spiritual communities, which is we carry death on our shoulder. One version of it is love everyone, serve everyone, remember God. But it also gets translated love everyone, serve everyone, and remember you're going to die. So that never for a second do you let that imminent reality escape your consciousness, because if you do, then you miss out on really experiencing existence as it is. This is why you always hear people who have survived cancer or people who are not going to survive cancer, they're like, I've never been happier. I'm so tuned in. I'm so in the world now and so happy because they're living in reality. They're not walking around in a mat with an imaginary force field.


In that book, they call it Your Character armor. From a child, you deal with the problem of helplessness by creating this character that you then throw it's thrown into a hero system to transcend your own death. The whole point of the guy is like, Dude, don't do that, don't do that. Except you're going to die and think about it all the time.


It's pretty tight. Remember, the thing is the contemplation of death, it doesn't mean suddenly you're going to be wearing black lipstick and that you're depressed. It actually is paradoxical. It really helps you appreciate life in such a grand way.


It's the best. For stress, it's the best. I'll stress about stuff and I'm like, Yeah, but I don't want to die. I'm like, No, whatever.


When our kids are having a tantrum. I'm like, You know you're going to fucking die, right, Bubba? You know this isn't fucking permanent, right? You know he's probably statistically going to die first. Oh, diabetes daddy here, Baba. But this is the... I think they do it. Maybe they still do it in some forms of Buddhism, Taravad and Buddhism. I think the forest monks, I'm sorry, the Buddhist out there. I'm so confused, but they would.


Sit- A lot of them.


They would sit on the edge of pits where bodies have been thrown and watch the bodies decompose as a meditation. So you would sit and you would meditate watching the decomposition process to fully understand completely, inarguably, because you also have a body. That's you. Your face is going to puff. You're going to turn green. Your eyes are going to get all fucking puffed out. Birds will eat your flesh.


Could you pinch your nose? Could you sit there the whole time?


You are a pussy.


They would just watch people decompose.


Yeah, they would do that. It's liberation. The momentthat you like... I'm not saying you can evade fear of death, but I think the most people who are really terrified of death are the ones who haven't spent any time thinking about it. The moment you really spend time thinking about it and you realize, I'm afraid to die because I love my life and my version of death is... How could you know what that is? You have no idea what the fuck that is. You're thinking about... God, what was his name? Marcus Aurelius. He's got a great essay on it. It's a moment. Death is like one moment. Your life is full of moments. Then there's going to be this one moment, and that's the moment right before you croak. That's it. It's one moment you're worrying over one moment, and that moment is diluting every.




Moment that you have with a shadow that doesn't need to be there. Let that moment be its own thing. It'll take care of itself.




You know, Ramdass would say dying is completely safe. Yeah. The most natural fucking thing there is. It is, dude.


Yeah, that's what I always tell my mom. My mom would always bug me out. When I was doing stand-up, she's like, You got to do something else. What are you going to do when you're 60 or 70? I'll fucking die of thirst. I don't know. I'll just fucking become a ward in the state. I don't... I was like, I'm not worried about that. I want to try to do my best. And then eventually she chilled.


That's not going to calm my mom down. I'll be a ward of the state, mama. They'll fucking feed me cruel in a shithouse.


That's what I would tell her. What are you going to do when you're if you don't have any savings? I was like, I'll fucking die of thirst. I'll die destitute and wretchedly. First of all. -and wretchedly. She'd be like, I hate when you talk like that.


Why would you say that? Don't say that, you sweet, sweet mama. They're so worried all the time. Moms are worried. Now you just got to tell them this is what I would say to comfort my mom, Mom, I'll kill myself.




I'll just blow my fucking brains out.


Yeah, trill. End it all.


I'll end it all. Don't worry. If you're still alive, you're not going to have to pay for me or whatever. Jump in front of a train. Fucking jumping from a train. Will my brain's out, jump off a building mama, you'll be fine. See how you come for your mama, you bastard.


War to the state. I'll be at war to the state. She'd be so mad. You really should think about it. Think about it. She'd be like.


You'll see. Did that fuel your comedy a little bit? The fact that your parents resisted what you wanted to do?


They were cool for the most part. My dad was like, Bro, do your thing, man. I don't care. But my mom would just get worse, especially I was hitting my 30s. I was just living a weird, fucked up life. My mom would be like, It's not too late. You could do X-Y-I. You could become a teacher. You do this. I'd be like, All right, mom. I'll think about it. Then she would just start hammer me. That's when I started hitting her back. Like, Bro, if I don't have any money, why the fuck would I worry? I mean, I obviously know there's a practical reason to worry about that. But back then I'd be like, Mom, why the fuck would I worry about that? I'm not going to worry about having a little bit more money when I'm 80. No.


I'm just going for it. Robotsmore than any way. We're just going to be.


Robots by then anyway. I banked on that as well. I was like, Bro, technology is.


So good, Mom. They're going to double our lifespans anyway.


Now, dude, look at that song you just shared. I would play her that song, but I was right.


Yeah. I'm fine.


I'll be fine.


Ai is making fucking incest music, mama. I told you the world would get better.


Dude, there was a book called Vert, where the guy, the sci-fi book, and they would suck these feathers, and then it would take them into this artificial realm where they could have these different experiences. The whole book is about, it's a cool book, but it's about the guy, the conflict is the dude loses his sister in this cyberspace. But then they just slowly, through the book, reveal that he was fucking his sister for no reason at all. No reason. They could have just been like his girlfriend. It would have the same exact effect. Why did they do that? I don't know, dude. It's a great book, but the whole time you'll be like, Great. Awesome. Great sci-fi. And then I was fucking my sister and you're like, Bro, could you have just changed it? Why the fuck? I have no idea, dude. It's a good acclaimed book, but he still gets... If you read the reviews, everyone's like, and there is a little bit of lowbrow stuff about him fucking his sister. It's pretty graphic.


I prefer highbrow and sex.


It's such a sick book, and they tried to make it a movie, but I just probably couldn't get a throw of him just bone in a field, a.


Beautiful field. He's like, No. I wouldn't change. I will not sell you the rights unless for sure he's fucking his sister.


In an English meadow.


Is that where he fucked her?


Yeah, I was in England. It was like an English cyber punk book, and it was just him. The book is so good, but he just couldn't stop describing. He teases it out. It's like, Yeah, this guy really likes his sister. As you get into it, and then we were in the same bed, it's like, Oh, you did have an abusive father. I could see you guys seeking refuge. Then we kissed. I'm like, All right. Trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. I'm like, Yeah, maybe it's different in England. Then he's talking about inserting in a park.


He went.


That far? Yes, dude. It's just like, brother, come on, man.


Dude, that is crazy. You know, that genre of porn, incest porn, even though it might have a hotness to it, you just think like, Man, they need to show... You can keep showing it, but you need to show these people, assuming this is real, 15 years later. Moving.


You want to see him.


Move in. I want to see them in therapy. I want to see them fucking dealing with like, Oh, they're-.


Thanksgiving is going to be so.


Fucking weird. -ruined my family and fucked everything up and destroyed everything. I can't think. I think about my sister's tits. They tasted.




Dude, it'd be so awkward. Thanksgiving tits or tits tasted different on Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving, they tasted like more briny. But on Christmas, they had this tang.


There's just attention at the Thanksgiving table. Finally, you're up like, You never even fucking touch me anymore. Shut up. You're talking to your wife. You're like, Shut up. This doesn't involve you. No, you'reI'm talking to my sister.




God. Yeah, you can't do it. That's a good rule. I think about a lot of rules. I'm like, That's a good one.


It's a really good rule.


Fantastic rule. It's a fantastic rule. Don't do it. Don't fuck your sister. Sucker dick. Exactly.


Have fun, obviously. Have fun.


I got to go.


To the doctor. Yeah, go to the doctor. Thank you so much.


Dude, thanks for having me. What a fun conversation, man. It was a blast.




You so much, Frill. You're the best.


Thank you very much. You're the best. Thank you, man. Thank you.


Everybody wants to kiss your sister's hot dog. It's what we have in common. It's what? Cut through the frog. No more confusion. Goodbye, delusion. So come on, everybody, wherever you may be. Confess you want your sisters, Dawn, just as much as me. Open wide, shut your eyes, and let the flag of freedom fly. Let's all kneel together. Let's switch our sisters. That was awesome. That was so funny.