Transcribe your podcast

Are you playing a Mario card game or is it more of an interactive? Card game. Okay, nice. On your phone? Yeah.


Nice. So I don't have to buy pack.


How much money can you win from the Mario card game?


How much can.


You win? You can win. It's like online poker.


You can win money. Oh, no. You get game points to buy.


Card packs. Or is it better off... Does this help you meet 12-year-olds? Is that the prize?


-do you chat with them? -no chat. No chat? No chat. No chat.


No chat. No chat. Now, I would call them.


Little Fuckers. South Park game was fun. Do you remember that we were playing? That game was pretty sick. That game was sick. You were playing that game? -that game was sick. Yeah.


No, the cell phone.


Game where it was like it was like U-G-O. Oh, yeah.






That was fun. That was a good one.


That was good. Anyway, we're here live with the newest resident in my.


Fucking house.


I don't think I've ever made a worse decision.




Be fun, dude.


It's not fun. You're Shaney Tana, dude. It'll be.


So fun.


You're going to have to go up there. You have to go over there and be like, You have to call Lamay or Lamach.


Lamach. Lamach. I'm going to have to sit backwards on the chair and be like, Lamach, we got to talk. You're going to be on the edge of your bed. I know my wife died. You're my son now.


Lamach, I know you're sad. I don't know.


Lamach doesn't get sad. True. It's actually fucked up.


No, I.


Get sad, dude. No, he had a psychotic break at Walmart, so now he.


Doesn't get sad. He did piss his parents at Walmart and solve the sadness dilemma. That age old dilemma of being sad as a man. What's this all for? What's the point?


He broke the plane.


Just piss yourself at a fucking Walmart.


I still pissed on myself on the road because I tried to pee and drive.


What? You were on the road for a.


Long time. Yeah, we got to get into this. Lamare got here last night after. When did you leave?


I left Philly at 3:00 PM.


And you got here the next night.


At 9:00 PM. You didn't stop. I didn't stop. I went to a MyNikke or Firestone in Arkansas to get my car like that. But outside of that, now I had to get a.


New headlight. That's a brave move, brother.


Stopping down in Arkansas.


Man, I couldn't get rid of those tanks. They're still in my car.


What tanks?


I had these quarter kegs when I was getting the weed. Remember I was getting the weed juice in.


My office? Yes.


I think there's two of them, right? Yeah, and then the carbon-We kicked two of those kegs of weed juice, and I was like, You know what? I'd trade them in that and the tap. It would be probably like 150 bucks.


No one's taking them.


-no one's.


Taking them. -no one will take the tap?


They're like, We.


Don't take that. I guess I haven't tried to return a keg or a tap since 2004.


I used to deliver beer and I was like, Yeah, you get like 75 bucks for the tap.




They didn't want it. So no one will take it? Although those kegs, they probably can't be reused because they're related with THC.


You're going to fuck up a graduation party. You can sell them graduation parties somewhere down here in Texas now.


I'm sure they rent them somehow.




It's a water baby. They wouldn't take them. You were trying to sell.


Yeah, I tried to sell it to three places in Philly. They're like, No. I went to three places in Arkansas. I fuck with Arkansas, dude.


Arkansas is nice. Yeah.


What were they saying?


They're like, Nah. The one guy was like, Nobody would buy it from me.


Oh, you'd like Arkansas. You'd like the Razorbacks. You'd like a little fucking ReZoom. You would love the Razorbacks. A little.


Woo-pig, Zoe.


-woo-pig, Zoe. -i hate war pigs. -you left the 28th. -no, they're the Razorbacks.




Left the 28th at 3:00 PM.




And you arrived the 29th at 8:00 PM from Philly to Texas. Didn't stop to sleep.


One-you did not sleep. It's a.


21-hour drive. -it's one headlight.




Half the way.


Damn, you're paddled out.


Diddled. You diddled. Damn. You know people got punched because of you?


You know how many people got fucking socked in the arm?


You know what a diddler is? You see a car, one headlight, you have a diddle, and touch the top and whoever does the last, you get the socked shit out.


You don't know what that was about?


Yeah, I helped out with diddler. I was a diddle.


You smoked right away when you woke up to that.


You were the diddler, dude. Yeah.


It's been so long since I smoked. I didn't smoke and drive because I had the headlight and that sucked. I was ripping vape, though. I had this Mike Tyson vape. It's almost out of vape juice.


You were Paxton on the Mike Tyson. Mike Tyson.


Paper juice.




Has a big wife? That knockout king. Mike Tyson and a jaw. So you got high and drove 30 straight hours to get to Texas. He arrived upon arrival.


How did you stay awake?


I took one 10-milligram Adderall.


Okay, I was curious. That's nothing. That's not that much. 10-milligram is not getting you through a 30-hour drive. Yeah.


I guess I'm just built different.


No, you're not. You kept saying that. You kept saying, I'm built different. You kept saying, I'm built different. And then last night we go to the bar and somebody's like, Just do a Red Bull and vodka. He's like, I had five Celsiuses. It's like, Well, that'll keep you up. That's fucking crazy.


Is that the Jake Paul Energy drink or something? It's the Paul Brothers Energy drink.




No, he's Prime. Celsius is like a.


New Red Bull. I think it might be Coburtate's drink.


Is it? No. It could be. Coburtate rules. I can't believe how wrong I was.


He's back. Dude, they got the Celsius mandarin mango. Mandarin Marshmello.




Marshmello? -yeah, it was nice.


How much caffeine is in a Celsius?




Don't know what it's like. It's probably like one station. -i don't know what it's like. It's like just vitamin B. -really? Am I crazy? It's got to be a ton of caffeine. There's 200 milligrams of caffeine per can.


-how many do.


You have? -that's not too crazy. -five? -five is crazy. Was it Celsius heat? -i just met one. Celsius heat has 350 milligrams of.


Caffeine in it. It was probably Celsius heat. If I think about it, it was probably Celsius heat.


Yeah, I can imagine you knowing your way around a gas station, Beverly Drowel.


I got to be out the south, though. Do Arcusol? They got Bucky's, dude. What?


You definitely know your way. I'll be honest, know my way around the gas station. I know every aisle. I walk in, I go, Where is this? I get it. I know.


Every aisle. Are you up to date on Gatorade technology? I am. Where are.


They at right now? Gatorade? Gatorade, like Electrolet... Not Electroly. Obviously, it's got Electroly.




Gatorlight. It's like Pedialight, Gatorade. Oh, really? Yeah, that's the newest tech. They also got Gatorade. It's the next gen, it's fifth-gen Gatorade.


It's the fifth-gen Gatorade. It's the Mach 5, the closest.


So the mayor drives 30 straight hours, nothing but Adderall and five Celsius. And Chipotle. Chipotle, 10 minutes into driving. He tweeted. He's like, I'm in Maryland. I stop for Chipotle. It's like, It takes five minutes to get to Maryland from Philadelphia. You started the trip and we're like, Oh.


There's an exit. Yeah, I got to fuel up.


You fueled up a.


Gigantic dump. Just a huge dump that Arkansas paid for. He got all the way down to.


-arkansas did pay.


For it.


-arkansas paid.


For it. That mining key, dude.


You tossed an Adderall, and an Adderall dump's nice too.


What's the Adderall dump?


It's just an amphetamine dump. You hold it for a while, you're like, I'll never shit. You got a full Chipotle bowl coming out of the.


Bucky's in Arkansas.


Scream it out in the atmosphere. They're going to have to uncog the taxpayers in Arkansas. They're going to be unhappy. That's all their tax money.


They're going to be standing on it like a fucking asteroid land. They're going to be like… They're going to be like, Dude, it's a white suit. They're going to.


Be like, Shh.


Sir, we don't know where.


This came from. You're going to have to wake up a white woman professor to communicate and try to communicate with it.


The only expert.


In the field. The only expert is a woman. Anyway, so you drove 30 straight hours. We'll get more to the journey, but what I want to talk about is how impressive, I mean, the performance you put on. He gets here, showers. We go to a bar. This guy just drove 30 straight hours. He's ready to go out.


That's crazy. He wants to paint the town red. That's what I was saying. I was like, Dude, are you sure? This is crazy. He put on a fancy vest. He looked good.


Thank you. Goes out, I'd say 20, 30 minutes in is where things started-Unravelling. -the boy collapsed. Yeah, of course. He thought he.


Had it. No, at the bar? At the bar? Yeah, at Nicol-It was the lemon drops, dude. The lemon drops.


Oh, you're taking the lemon drops? Yeah, I kept making them do shots. I kept being like, Dude, if you're tired, just do a shot. He did so many shots. Yeah.


And then...


No Red Bull and Vodcast. And then Lamere hit me with a classic Lamere move, which is just a fucking horrendous opinion. At the bar? At the bar. His opinions, you can get me so angry. I don't know if anyone can make me angrier. Who was the take? This was the take. He saw the Adam Sandler, Drew Barrymore movie Blended.




He said it was better than Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison.


What's the movie Blended about? I haven't.


Seen it. It's about Adam Sandler's wife dies. Drew Barrymore gets a divorce. They both got three kids, and then they meet. They have a really bad date at first, and then they meet throughout just the life. And then the boss's, or Drew Barrymore's friend is dating Adam Sandler's boss, so then they get a safari together because the boss breaks up with his girlfriend and we're going to go do this weird thing in Africa.


Damn. Sandman just wrote a movie about his wife dying and meeting another lady.


Dude, it's beautiful.


It's a boss move. What's your movie about, babe? Like, Oh, it's the guy. His wife dies and.


Gets pussy. This guy. This guy is the worst way ever.


Usually, he's confused. He just gets pussy with his lady.


She did die from some bad cancer.


Just a sick fucking move.




You must have wrote that movie in fucking two days.


And then I accidentally run into the hot chick again.


Then all these movies were about cancer for a movie for a second. Really? Like, funny people was about cancer and then Blended is about cancer.


Yeah. It starts to really interrupt your social life right around that age.


Can't get.


Everybody getting cancer. Yeah, you hit 50 and it's like people start fucking grabbing it.


But back to the main, the opinion. Blended is better than fucking Happy Gilmore.


Yeah, dude.


I had a good time. Why so? What grabbed you?


It was a touching flick. It was heartwarming. It was nice to watch Love, Blue, and not be forced in a rom-com.


I'm with you on that. So you're talking about a.


Whole new thing though. Yeah, but what about Happy Gilmore and Virginia Bennett? That was great love.


That was so nice.


Against Mom's wishes.


That was forced as hell.


I was not.


Forced atWhat the hell, dude?


New Bad Boy on tour? Shoot him and Gavin saying, Doug, kick him off the tour. Virginia Venet going, Hey, this guy's a ratings dream. I mean, this is crazy.


Oh, so she was using him for ratings now? Yeah. That's not real love, dude.


No, then they go on a date at a hockey rink and he says, If you make that shot, we have to kiss. If you miss it, she drills it. Dude, I don't remember. She talked about your all-time backfire.


Dude, she drills it.


I don't remember. Man, this is one of the most quota movies of.


All time. I know. I'm telling you, I'm losing my mind. It's my problem. I'm confused. I'm just.


Confused, dude. I used to be confident. I used to know what was going on.


I was putting my kid down today. I for real was like, By the way, too, you're always in a dark room when you have a kid. That's why the edibles have to stop. Because one day they kick in, you're in a fucking pitch black room with your kid, and you're just like, Oh, God. You have to be brave, dude. You can't be a pussy. I was getting fucked up today about my inner self, my actual organism body. I wasn't high at all, but I was just like, Dude, someone has to just fucking put me down, man. I've lost a thread. I've fully.


Lost a thread. Oh, yeah. Dude, I get on. All I do is look at social media.


You have to. I just look at-It's the only safe.


Place I can go on to. I get on Twitter and see the most horrific things possible.




That fucking drone.


Yeah, it was a.


Brutal video. I don't want to see anything anymore.


Dude, it really.


Fucked me up. I saw a video yesterday. I think it was Russian drone pilot just killing these two Ukrainian dudes. None of that stuff comes up from me. Then the next post was like a barstool sport. It's like, Look how hot this chick is.


I was like, Oh, my God.


What a terrible world.


Yeah, but then you just lived outside of the phone world and like, Dude, I'm dying to get back. As soon as I have a spare second, I'm.


Like-can't wait to see what's on the phone. It's going to be so sick.


It's going to be so fucking sick, dude. And you turn on, you go, They let me.


Down again. Damn, everyone says I suck.


Maybe if I just keep looking, there's something.


Good coming. Something cool is going to happen. I can't wait to hit this guy. Oh, Noraday, I've got a three-star recruit. Yeah. My day is turning around.


True. I was waiting for a guy to be like, I knew it was cool. Matt McCusby.


Oh, thank God. I'm so sick. Let me see how many followers are yes. Thirty-six followers. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.


So, Lamise, you got there. You just started turning up the juice and the lemon drop shots. Yeah. What did you feel like at this point? Were you like, eyes hot? How did you feel?


No, I was fine. I don't know. I was just… Because you went to.


Another place. He was Ralph in the Uber, dude.


Oh, yeah. I was.


Losing it. He was a minute away from puking in.


The Uber. Really?


I had it, though. It sounded like it was in your mouth. For real, he was like.




Much longer is.


This true?


I was like, Don't, dude. Don't fucking.


Puke at this.


Oh, my God. But you held.


It in? Yeah, I held it in. I had it.


Then he horked.


Where? In the bathroom in there. I cleaned it up. I think you're trying to take care of it. Yeah.


First man he throws up. Yeah.


God damn it.




Going to have a talk. We're going to have a talk. Also, we're going to have a talk. Also, we're going to talk about the duration of this living arrangement because there's no way you're leaving. There's no way you're leaving. The way this ends is me going, You got to get the.


Fuck out.


You're out of here, dude.


You might as well get drowned in the pool. You might.


It might be a who done it. You might walk the plank straight into.


That pool. Andrew, you're going to get Casey Anthony.


It's going to be a classic who done it. This could be scandal, lies, manipulation.


For the record, I would never kill the Mary Lee. Of course not. And I was right?


Yeah, I know.


I would never kill you.


So if.


You do… If you do, John the pool. You could, though. You've never been more able to kill the mayor than the next couple however long as it goes for you.


You could, for real, kill him. I just get there. There's a knife. I just grab a knife right there. Oh, yeah. Just wait me when he's in bed.


Dude, he doesn't wake up. He doesn't.


Wake up.


He doesn't wake up, by the way. He's the heaviest sleeper.




Yes. Dude, I walked on you sleeping the one time. Yeah.


I was in there. He's been living in your.


Fucking office. He was in my office. He was just saw in logs, unbelievably.


I'll be honest.


I was like, Lamire, Lamire didn't wake up. I just started working. I was finally like half an hour later came out and I'm like, Bro, I could have fucking killed you.


Yeah, when I heard I forgot he was living in your office. Then I was like, You can come stay down here. Then I didn't really ask about a duration. Then the other day I asked and he was like, I don't know, probably like April. I was like, God, dude. It's like six fucking months.


It's so long. Yeah, the six-month wait. It's crazy. You're not going to wait for the house. That's that housing market.


But then he's like, I got to… He's got away from the bubble.


That's the movers.


I mean, that's the movers paradise.


But then I didn't know. I forgot he was just living in your office. Then I remembered that and I was like, God, damn it. This guy's not going anywhere. He's not going to leave my house.


I'm going to get another office. I'm going to get another office.




Brittany was hating. I was like, Lamar, you're living in my office? I don't care. It's nice to have Lamar there. You walk in, Lamar is nice to have him. Lamar is just dreaming. I'm sitting there just doing my stuff. The hardest sleeper, dude, I was shocked.


How are you shocked? That's the most obvious thing I've.


Ever heard. But dude, imagine my studio room went, Shane. Shane, I'm watching you sleep and you're just… This is crazy.




Is nice white noise, though. It is nice white noise, though.


Snoring is.




Funny as I guess. Snoring is so… Dude, I was at my parents' the last few days and Phil goes wild. Phil goes nuts on the snores. You can hear him from downstairs. You can hear a guy upstairs going, Oh!


They're hitting like zero % blood oxygen.


In their brain.


They're hitting zero % oxygen in their brain.


You can hear Phil's apnea from the other room. You hear it just like...


All of their dreams are just them and Kevin Costner and Yellowstone. I don't know, partner. How are we going to get this horse up? We're all saying.


Partner, I can't breathe.


How are we going to get that horse up out there.


That trailer? They love it. They love it. It's on Fox Nation.


We stayed at my parents' house when we went back, I think, around Thanksgiving, whatever it was, I forget what it was. We were sleeping. My dad watches TV at 90, and it's just war. It's just warfare the whole time. I'm like, Dude, go to bed.


It's warfare mixed with a dude occasionally going, Oh.


They're just.


Dead asleep to the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan on fucking 100 volume.




Then they wake up and go, I don't know, I'm.


Going to fail. All right, I'm going to go to bed. All right, I'm going to go to bed. Is that like three strokes.


Oh, my God.


Wake up furious. Me to everyone for the first four hours of the day.


My dad gets bullied. He's just around by these girls. He's in a girlhouse.




In a girlhouse. Matt, they're just so mean.


I know, dude. They're about to get so mean. I know.


It starts so early. They're like AI, dude. They're going to get better and better. They're going to be sentient and start-They're going to learn more about me. Right now, they'll just be like, You're not my best friend.


I'm like, whatever. I don't even give a fuck.


Damn, dude, you got hit with that?


You're not my best friend. I'm like, Yeah, give it 10 seconds. I'll be restrunning you.


You're not my best friend.


It's brutal, dude. Although I'll be able to be in there a little fucking, inter-nation warfare just being like, Well, that's actually fucked up.


Yeah, you can split them. Yeah, you can CIA women. I can.


America out.


Pretty easy in there. Yes. You can get fun to kill. Actually, Chloe is number one.




Don't care about the votes, Chloe, you're the new leader. I was hitting the kids with that all week. Who's like the boss? No, I was just hitting with... Anytime I got along with, we're best friends. I was doing that.




Love it. You were destabilizing a child.


I just kept telling the kids I was their best friends.


They take best friends very.


Seriously, dude. I remember that. Best friend was a serious issue.


Dude, I didn't know three-year-olds were about best friend. She had a friend in her old daycare and we moved. I'm like, Yo, just delete her. She was like, No, that's my best friend. I'm like, Dude, you have to get out of there to go. I'm never going to see her again. She was just like, What? She was.


So sad. Isn't the best friend is like the plot of all kid stuff. It's like you're just doing things with your best friend, saving your best friend.


A huge plot too for kids. If you want to get a kid interested, you talk about a little baby who's away, who has to find their mom, and they'll just sit there for an hour and be like, and then it wasn't their mom. They're like, Oh, my God. Then we found it. They're like, Oh, my God. Every story is about a weird animal.


They've lived it, dude. Anytime you go to the fucking mall or the supermarket.


Yeah. Did you ever get lost? Yeah. I got lost.


It's scary as hell. It takes 10 minutes.


Yeah, I grabbed a lady's jeans at the mall thinking it was my mom turned around, just another lady. I was like, I'm going to die. Yeah, when you're a little kid, you're like, If my parents aren't here, I'm dying. It's programmed into you. There's a sex drive. There's all this aggression drive, and then there's attachment. No one talks about attachment. Attachment is like, if your parents aren't around, you're convulsing in your head. It's your time. Died. As an animal, you're like, I'm dying now.


I need my mommy.


Yeah, dude, in nature, if you don't have your mommy in nature, you die. Yeah. So think about that, Lamar. If you're a little baby and mommy's not around, you're going to get munched.


Yeah, dude, for a fact.


You are a little baby.


It is good to have you, and I am happy you're living here. I'll take it easy. That would be fun. I won't be on your ass every single day.


I mean, Lamire, in just a couple of months you can open the doors and walk right into the pool. He's never going to leave, dude.


He's never leaving.


He's never leaving. He's going to slide open doors and just fall into a pool.




Never leaving. He's like, Yeah, I guess I'll find that apartment pretty soon. Oh, my God. Dude, he's going to pop up on you like analligator, too. You're going to be walking out.


He's going to get me.


He's going to drag you in.


I'm going to be like… Fuck, I forget his name. What's the drug dealer from Colombia? Pablo Escobar? I'll be Escobar. I'll be like, Behold, I.


Have a hippie.


I'm going to have a house party and just be like, Let me just swim. Swim. And I'll say, Gaze upon him.


Get out of the pool, fart with each other.


Visual or the mayor, you're a new Sandler, you're an old Sandler in terms of the taste. I like a lot of new. Oh, yeah, obviously.




Rode for Huber.


Halloween big time. Huber Halloween was big.


You rode hard. You rode into the storm for that. I did. And you were right. I've said it a.


100 times. I fucking shielded Huber. I said, This is a classic.


It was good. It was so good, dude.




Is even if it is good, which I'm not saying it's not, it's not better than Gilmore Madison.


I don't know. I have to see it. Now I have to see it. I don't know.


Because they're classics. You're a fucking opinion. They're classics. You like vampire movies.


Do I don't?


I have to-Don't tell anybody about my poetry.




Don't mean to tell anybody. Don't say a word.




You, motherfucker. I just remembered it.


I was going to say anything. I will say I can get drawn into any plot. I start off being like, these vampire shows are so dumb. Two seconds later, I'm like, Wait, these guys are live during the Revolutionary War?


I'm lost.


It's actually pretty cool. Are you talking about what we do in The Shadows?


No, but that's the best.


The originals, bro. The original spin-off for The Vampire Diaries.




Laugh at me, dude.


Shut up, Blended.


Dude, it wasn't up to me to watch it. I was just like, I'll.


Catch you. But if you're forced to watch a girl movie, it's not bad. You go, I fucking hate this. I watched the Barbie movie this week.


Dude, that actually sounded sick.


The Barbie movie slaps.


It was actually.


Pretty good.


You were explaining to me like that's pretty.


Tight actually. Ken was fun.


As shit. Yeah, Ken was fun as shit. I watched it on the road.




You watched what?


I watched a Barbie movie on the road.




Yeah. Oh, yeah. That was one of the things during the 30 hours he hit.


Say the kid does that, dude. Say the kid puts a movie on it.


It's a common denominator.


Dorian does it too. Deeds does it. That's where I got it from. I was like, You know what?


People forget how gully Deeds is.


He is.


Deeds is Gully as hell.


What are you like?


No, Gully, dude. Deeds is hood.


Oh, yeah. I forgot. He is from Englewood.


Deeds are hood. I was with Deeds all weekend, dude. We were hitting a scrim soon. Me and Deeds were crushing Scrams.


He was impressed at how much you can eat.


I could throw it out. I could munch. Everyone judges me, dude. Every time I bring, I'm like, Let's go get something to eat. I'm like, All right, I ordered the shrimp. Then I ordered some ribs, obviously, for later. So I had two entres and an appetizer. Everyone's like, Dude, you're a pig. It's like, Bro.


Yeah, dude.


Watch me, dude. This is nothing.


I feel like that's how you eat when you have a bunch of brothers. True. Because you're like, I got to eat as much as I can right now.


You have to speed eat. Yeah, you also want to get... Yeah, true.


Manjibri, if we get a pizza, I get a slice. He'll look at me and then grab a slice. Oh, dude, yeah.


You're like, I end up the slice. You guys, like draft picks. You've been scouting every slice. You go, All right, first pick. First pick, the 2012 Domino's.


I mean, dude, you're scanning. They never cut it perfectly.


There's always some place that are bigger. You're scanning. Small slice doesn't even count, though. True. I'll take the small slice. It's like I didn't even have a slice, so that's fine. Yeah.


True. That's a good point.


Small slice is like training.


A long, skinny boy. Yeah, it's like, I'm taking a break, go on. There's always the big slice. Then the older brothers snagged the one with the bubble. There's a big slice with the bubble. The oldest brother snags at you and you're like, Dude. Then you lick your finger touch it. I don't care. I'll eat that anyway.


What brother are you, Matt?


Middle. I'm a middle brother. I'm a third brother out of six. There's two brothers, me, sister brother, sister. I was from the first wave of family. Then there was a break and then the.


New wave. The Neo McCuskey.


We make fun of the Neos. The Neos didn't really.


Have it. The Neos had it easy.


The Neos had it easy, bro. It was a.


Whole shit deal. -old fucking Billy had it really easy. -brow, it was crazy. -do you want to talk about that? Old Silver Spoon Billy.


-truly? -truly, it was, yeah. Even I'll say Kathleen. -he's going to be furious. Kathleen was pro to McCusk or a little bit. I'm just trying to think of which kids got hit and which kids did it. Because the kids who didn't get hit, Neo McCuskers. I watched my parents just get tired and be like, Fucking.


Whatever, man.


For the last two just being like, All right, bro, whatever you want to do.




That makes sense.


I couldn't imagine the things they tried to stop you guys from doing.


We're starting fires and stuff. We're starting fires, the stealing stuff.


Yeah. You guys are.


Fucked up. Committing crimes, yeah. Killing animals.


Tom and Kev play sports? No, not really. Yeah, those are the worst kids. Those are.


Literally the worst kids. They were like Sid from Toyster.


They're bad. Non-sports kids that are out there still doing bad stuff. Yeah, dude. Those are.


Dangerous kids. Yeah, dude. Starting fires. There was a neighbor kid. Kevin met him in the woods and just told him they were devil worshippers. They're just the.


Scariest kids. I remember these kids. I grew up around these exact kids. Those are some weird fucking dudes.


You'd meet them in the woods and we're worshiping the devil, pussy.


-yeah, we're listening to.


Pearl Jam. -they'd start to… I.


Listen to Coolio.




I would like to go back to Lamarin's Breed. I'd like to know about you. What's your biggest feast? I need to know about you guys' feast because I know there's.


Legendary feasts. We just hit the K-pot the other day.


What did you guys do there? No, I'm talking all-time feasts.


Like all-time?


You have to remember one where you guys just fucking put it down.


That K-pot time, we put it down. We went in with a plan there. At K-pot, they started doing some bullshit. What's K-pot? It's Korean barbecue.


Oh, man. Oh, they must have too.


Do you know what I mean, it's the.


Actual, dude. Yeah, Jackie Chan, let me.


Get a motherfucking barbecue. You said it was all I can eat. Well, I'm here tomorrow.


We did strategize. We did come up with a plan.


You guys strategized in the parking lot? Yeah.


What did you hit him with? Jabri is like, All right, he's going to.


Come- Operation? What was that? Operation Barbara. Just down the parking lot planning. Master strategist.


Jabri was like, I'm going to go make some sauces. I'm going to get me this type of soup. And I also like this, this, and this.


You guys are ordering for each other at the buffet. Yeah.


Well, you got to order the food you need. You got to The.




Pot? Yeah, the hot pot.


So what's the deal? Is it like all you can eat type setup?


Yeah, but the bullshit is it used to be you could just hang out, but now it's just.


Two hours. They rush you out.


Yeah. They don't come.


Around- Two hours is fucking crazy. You're trying to put in three, four?


It's just two hours.




Fucking nuts. How much you paying though?


Thanksgiving takes like 20 minutes.


Yeah, it was like $120.


And it was all you can eat, 60 bucks a head.


It was me, DeBri and Beads though. And we got drinks, too. We're hanging. And they're like.


They hard living on two hours. How did they get you out of there? There's a guy and a fucking square on his chest come out and we're like, Oh shit.


We They didn't kick. We just knew we had to leave because they just stopped coming by and just start.


Looking at us. If I'm at a chow, it gets on some bullshit sometimes. If it's like, Bro, I've been here enough. I know all the cuts you have. Chill with the sausages, homes.


Chill the sausages. They know you're going to feast early. -the bacon wrap, yeah. They know you're a pig and they can fucking...


Here's a chicken leg. Here's a bacon wrap sauce just like, bro.


I'm waiting.


Bring out the lamb, bring out the prime cuts. And the die-wills say they get me every time on the fucking ponder case. Bring out.


The dang pork.


Cheese, bread.


Where did we eat at Steakhouse, that fucking...


What was that called? I was.


Trying to think. Buffalo fucking lamb.


Chop was-Dude. Unbelievable.


A carumba. I like carumbies. We'll be meat eaters too. What's that? We'll be meat.


Eaters for a month.


I don't want to jinks it because I'll definitely not do it.


Dude, I'm committed. I need it. I need it right now.


I'm on carnival diet, January.


Okay. I'm spinning out of control, dude, with.


The carbs. Meats only, dude. You ready?


Just meat and milk.


Yeah, I'm going to have a heart attack.


No, you're going to drop like.


30 pounds. You're going to have a heart attack. I'm drinking five fucking dang energy drinks.


I'm drinking only Prime.


Yeah, say it for 30 hours you'll have a heart attack. Eating nothing meat? Yeah, bro, eat nothing but meat.


-really? -staying up for 30 hours is.


Really good. Yeah, Lamair, I don't want to blow your mind, but what's your heart made out of? Meat. It needs more meat.


It needs more fucking meat. I never thought of it.


Dude, if you think about it.


-do you eat nuts too?


-no nuts. -no nuts, dude. -what? -eggs and meat.


I love peanuts, dude. Why am I.


Can't eat peanuts? God damn it. -no peanuts? -no peanuts? How many peanuts are you eating?


How often.


Are you.


Eating peanuts? In your church are like Snickers bars or something like that.


You're eating peanuts not at a baseball game?


My dad crushes peanuts like that. That's nice. He gets our tin at the house and he scoops them and he gets crushed. He crushes peanuts.


-russia's peanuts. -i love.


The- Virginia Roasted Roast. These are Virginia peanuts. Yeah. Whole tub of them. And it'll bring you over like, Yo, crushes with me. After two scoops of peanuts, though, you get a stomachache instantly.


It's a fine line. If I have a long ride, I'll get the heat peanuts, the little container of peanuts.


From where?


The gas station.


Did you head down here for the peanuts, dude? The pecanes are nice down here.


No, they have pretty good gas stations down here. Wawa is not doing nothing. Really? Yeah. Compared to Bucky's or the quick trip.


He's stay-mired in controversy, dude.


He loves it.


He loves that smell. He loves the smoke, dude.




Neo Sandler.


All Bucky's, dude. I came in Bucky drip. I had the buck drip.


I got Bucky. I don't know, Bucky's is just a giant fucking gas station.


I've heard of this. It's like humongous.


But there's 9,000 people in it at all times. -yeah, it stinks.




Like packed in there.


-yeah. -it's uncomfortable. -walmart gas station? -yeah.


-yeah, that's why I like it.


-you like to get in the mix? -yeah. I can't wait. It's like the world's fair for the biggest, dumbest idiots in the world. You can fry hot dogs?




God. Honey, honey.


Take a look at this. Sorry, I'm reading about the wrong pair right now.


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That's not bad.


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-i mean, this sounds like diesel.


This is the mnemonic letter.


Self-propelling device like this shoots right in your mouth. It's mnemonic. Damn, it's what? It's mnemonic. It's mnemonic? Yeah. What's that?


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It is nice. -it is nice.




Them. Guys, remember all the awesome times you had this year with Aura Frame? Named the best digital frame by Wirecutter and the strategists. Aura frames are the easy way to display all your favorite snapshots. The photos look like real prints, but allow you to change up the art on your walls anytime. With free unlimited storage, you can add photos to your heart's content and invite as many people as you want to add images to your frame. There are no hidden fees, no subscriptions. I'm sick of hidden fees.


Oh, dude, my last digital frame fucked me on my subscription.




Dude, it was.


Like $500. But now you have the aura. Now it's zero. Now it's zero subscription.


I was working two jobs. I just for my digital frame fee. With an.


Interactive touchbar that lets you like photos and change the image, it's basically like social media, but without seeing all those annoying updates from your fucking high school classmates. That actually is sick. You can like the pictures on there. Well, you can. I didn't know that. It's got an interactive touchbar. Whoa.


You're going to be like, I like that. Your mom goes, Nice.


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Read the fine.


Print on that frame. They are so sick, dude. Awesome, dude. How many do you have in your house?


I have four of them sitting in my house. I really do.


That's good. That's what you want.


Oh, yeah, dude. They're fully loaded.


Just with tasteful-What type of picks?


-portraits of me.


Just you.


Just like an old fucking doctor. And you ever in a hospital there's.


Photos of a guy holding a chair? You should do that. Just take engagement photos, but with no one else. That would be tight. Like holding a pumpkin by yourself, all that shit. Just stalk them on an orro.


Just get a professional.


Have them everywhere.


That would be tight, dude. I'm going to take fake pregnant photos, too. I have a big pregnant belly, and I'm.


Like, Yes.


It's a big thing now. It's a big thing. It's not just for perverts anymore.


What? Pregnant pictures? Yes. Now it's not just for sickos.


It's not just for sickos.


I saw a lady breastfeeding at the airport. Did you? Yeah, I said that would go nicely in my aura frame if I could secretly. I went like this.


Did you take your legal one-second of Icah? You did your legal one-second look? I'm going to get this on my- You.


Are allowed to.


Look, obviously. I think legally you can take a look at her for a second and a half. You could have went, stopped, and waited, and then recharged.


Wait, did I see a tip?


Until you see a nipple, yeah. Then obviously at that point, you're done. You're happy, satisfied.


Let's go back to the show. Yes.




Wait before we go back to the show, Guard Dog has a show to promote. If you guys would like, could you please come to Tampa in Saint P? Get in front of the camera. Yeah, man, we do this every time. Me and Lamire will be at the Sunshine Comedy Festival on January 12th, and then the 12th and 13th. If you use our names when you check out, it gives you a discount and then Cap City Comedy Club on January 24th, Wednesday. That's going to be a fun one. Yeah, I'm very excited for that. If you can come to that- It's your first time headline down Texas Way. My first time headlining down Texas Way. Then the new one is Helium Philly on April 10th. I'm very excited. Back to the motherland. Back to my old stomping grounds. I'm excited if you'd like to join me, I'd appreciate it if you can. I'd really appreciate it. Thank you.


Also, San Diego is coming up January 11th. Please go to San Diego. Com/dates. I have a bunch of other shows coming up. Please go to them all, please.


Shanemgillis. Com. Don't buy tickets from scalpers.






Thank you. I can't wait to go to Walmart. Really? I got to check out one of these Walmarts.


Yeah. Probably pretty chill.


I know. I just want to.


See it. Dude, there's a Target. This is a highly domesticated talk, but there's a Target and my aunt and uncle lived down here and they were like, Yo, there's Target there. It's like, it's.


Fucked up. It's a flagship?


Dude, no, I was like, Dude, they're just being fucking pissy about it. It'll be fine. They're like, It's just the home good section. It's fucked up. Because I'm walking through the Target. I'm like, It's fine. Yeah, you go and for some reason specifically this Target, when you go to the home good section, everything's been taken down and thrown on the floor. It makes no sense. Everything else is fine. In the home good section, everything's taken down. There's like 40 towels just stacked on each other. And you're like, Dude. I was cracking up. I was like, Who the fuck.


Did this? It's more like broken home goods.


I was with Brittany and Target and she had this money.


It could be the longest 10 months of my life. You're going to leave with me when I leave this house.


True. You could be a ranch hand. You'd be a nasty ranch hand. He's not.


I don't know what this talk is about the mayor being a good roommate.


I'm a good roommate.


He kept the office was clean, I'll say that. The office was squeaky. I walked in there and I was like, All right, bro, not bad.


I'm a clean guy, dude. I just smoke weed.


You can't smell bad, dude. Huh? You can't smell bad. Did you? Did you? I haven't rat at you out. I have not rat at you out. I'm not going to rat you out if you don't want to.


No, it was a mistake. I was trying out the- Bro?


What is it? You did aluminum-free deodorant. Dude, it makes everyone.


Smell like-You did aluminum-free deodorant while we were.


In Louisville. It makes everyone smell.


Like an alien. It was crazy. Nuts. He was wearing a fucking Hawaiian shirt so there's just pure airflow coming out of his body. I've never smelled B. O.


This in my life. Dude, that non-aluminum deodorant makes you smell... You might as well as.


Not wear deodorant. Most inopportune time, too. Jack Harlow came with his bros. One of the smallest... It was like an old theater, so the green room was very small. There's like 15 people in this green room, and it stunk like fucking shit. The whole time in my head, I was like, God damn, Harlow's squad has whole room has B-O-D. It's a wild fucking squad.


Which is a alpha move, though. You roll up on somebody and it's your whole squad that has a.


Max B-O-D. Some of those boys are gully. I was like, I might smell from these guys. Then we went to Jack's apartment and we were there and I was like, Dude, it's Le Maré. Le Maré fucking stinks like.


This is fucking-You were trying to.


Figure out the moment. Yeah, but if you got in his orbit. Once we got to a bigger room, it was like, Oh, the smell is coming from over there, like across the room.


How soon after did you confront him for this?


As soon as I smelled it was him, I was like, Yo. I was just being a friend. I wasn't like, Yo, you fucking stink. I was like, Bro, you got to...




Like, You got to ask Jack Harlow if he has any deodorant. And he did. I said, Lamarie, what? Jack Harlow's deodorant. Really nice gesture. I would have never done that. It was awesome. What a beast, dude. Yeah, really, truly a.


Nice-share deodor with the.


Bro is truly breaking. With the guy you just met that stinks. Breaking bread, dude. Breaking bread for sure. He then went straight into the trash can. I was like, Oh, yeah, no problem.


It was like, Oh. Dude, it's.


So nice, though. It was really helpful.


Show me.


His Pokemon cards. What was he working with? Old Spice?


Yeah. No, I don't know. It was like the deodorant that you twist. Yeah, okay. It comes through, but it's like pierced like.


A little throw. Gel?


Not gel. It was like the white kind. It wasn't gel, but it was… Yeah. Okay. I don't know.


It might have been-But it helped. It helped a lot. You stopped smelling a little. That's cool.


Once the stink gets going, yeah, it takes a couple of days. It takes a bath, really. Get that stink off.




I understand because you usually don't smell. No. You can go on runs where you smell, but it was just… It was a lapse in judgment with the aluminum deodorant.


Nate told me it takes 20… Like that week, Nate told me it takes 20 days for your body to like-Nate stinks.


-what is what?


-nate fucking smells all.


The time. The Nate Cordy, like the aluminum is turning us gay, brother.


Nate fucking smells, dude.


It was an easy change, I thought. The aluminum-free deodorant was cheap, and I was like, Let me give it a try.


Dude, I'm.


Telling you, it cost me a night. Your decision ruined my night.


I tried this before and it made me smell. You know when someone sprays fucking lilac shit after you take a dump? You smell like that. There's this weird, nice smell. I don't really smell it. I just smell pooperee. Were you sniffing.


Yourself, then? I caught him smelling himself. I use the all-natural.


How do you smell it?


You, the guard dog doesn't smell that. Smelling fresh, yeah. The breath gets bad, but the pits is so fresh. The breath can get a little raunchy. I would hope we would all tell each other.




You have to. You have to. It is a hard thing to be like, Your breath's fucking rough.


Tell someone their breath is actually the nicest thing you can do for somebody.


Because otherwise, they're just.


Riding all night. Dude, I can tell you who has to, I just think about it all the time, your breath. And I probably have the most fucked up breath.


You haven't had it in a while. You used to. Did I? Occasionally you would get a little... When we lived together because that's how that works. You wake up one day, you're like, I'm not.


Brushing my teeth.


I don't brush my teeth anymore. My parents aren't even here anymore. I'm not.


Brushing my fucking teeth. I forget every morning. And if you don't brush your teeth in the morning and then smoke weed, you might have the worst breath. You get the worst breath imaginable. And Cigs.


Cigs are raw. Do you.


Get the white things in your throat? I don't know.




I don't know. No, there's like these. If you smoke a lot, you.


Get like these-Don't back talk.


We're not doing that. We're not doing that. I'm trying to worry about you because your breath smells so.


Fucking bad. Your breath smells. I never noticed the way.


It smells. No, I've never smelled your breath. But dude, you can get these things. It's calcified. It's like milk from smoking. You get stuck in there and you just get it out and you smell it right away. Obviously, it's like, dude, the worst.


I have had those things. I don't think I have.


I'll smell the flaws. They're called tonsilus. They smell like flaws. But if you could conjure up a nugget of Floss scum, and then just hard it into a little rock and you get it, you feel in the back and you start fucking with it and eventually it pops out and you're like, Oh my God. They're called tonsilus. They're fucking nasty.


I've never heard of these. They're the.


Stones, right? Yeah.


What? Yeah, too.


Tons of stern. You could have them just chilling behind your tonsils, too, and not even.


Know it.


Just your breath things. Your breath is just fucking you'd be crushing everybody.


Who do you got on the bad breath list? I need to know. Hold on. Let me get one. Yeah, I got it. Did you not hear it? I got it.


It might be me right now. I didn't brush anything at coffee right now.


But I've got it. Yeah, coffee is a bad one.


I've got crushed by a couple of people where I'm like, All right, man, this is the third time in the row.




I don't say anything. You should say.


Something, though. If I'm not close with them, I'm not going to say anything. If it's like, Lamar's B-O, somebody need to tell them.


Yeah, need a friend.


I've hit Nate with it. Yeah. Nate, we were at Atlantic City after that show.




It was insane. Stang it. Yeah, I was like, Bro, you got it. And he was like, All right, good looks. Went back to his hotel room, showered, came back down like 20 minutes later. It was like, Perfect.


It is nice to do.


In my fattest, I hit some fucking insane smells.


You were sorry, you're.


Fresh on that. Fattest, depressed. Yeah. You can hit it fucking insane because the bottom of your shirt gets wet from sweat from your gut. Oh, yeah.


It's fucking disgusting. And then it just fucking...


And then you'd just, I would just be walking around in gym shorts and like a fucking five-day in a row T-shirt.


-in the bottom of the-People.


Would be like, Oh, my God. Go. Get out. I don't even care.


I'm so sad. The undergut part, it gets to wrinkle like your finger does when it gets.


Too wet. Yeah, it's embarrassing.


You get like.


Bathtub wrinkles? Yeah, on your clothing from your fat stomach.


But just at that one part.


It hurts. It's one of those things, dude. It hurts.


It's a silent epidemic.


It is. Nobody talks about it.


Does your shirt get caught in there?


Yeah, bottom of your shirt. It happens when you're just chilling.


That makes sense.


If you're a big dog, you're sitting for five straight hours. And then you get up from the shift and you go, Fuck, I forgot to shower. I still have to go to Boston Market with my dad. I have to pick my dad up from the bar and take him to Taco Bell. I stink. You get the car, he's like, God damn. What's the matter with you?


Putting the shift on the.


Computer-it's hard not to get defensive, though. When someone's like, You stink. You're like, Dude, you're pussy. What, are you a girl? You want me to smell good for you, dude?


That's nice. That is a quality comeback.


I used to give my older brother would not wear deodorant. I'm like, Dude, you fucking stink. Then I was not wearing it. Billy was like, Bro, you smell like shit. I was like, Fuck you, dude. Fucking pussy.


Yeah, it depends how the message is delivered. If somebody's like, Yo', you stink like shit. Then it's like, Fuck you. I'm not gay.


What do you want to smell good? Fuck that dude.


I'm fucking too tough. Now, if you're in a gathering and somebody pulls you.




You got to get some gum.


Yeah, true. That's helpful. Bernie hits me up, Did you, bro?


I'm embarrassing.


Did you brush your teeth? I'm always like, No, why? You need to brush something. I'm like, What? Yeah, it's rough. I just do a nighttime brush. Nighttime brush is great. I got the spinny brush, too. So it's like, dude, you do that.


One time. Morning breaths. This is insane. -i guess. -even after a.


Nighttime brush. But dude, since I was little, the worst thing is when you have toothpaste mouth, then you eat something and it doesn't taste like it should. No, I agree.


You got to wait till after breakfast. And then after breakfast, I've got my mouth clean. It tastes good.


I drink coffee.


Well, now my mouth taste good, so I don't have.


That breath. That happens to.


Me every day. Now my mouth has eggs and coffee.


In it. Dude, I like toothpaste, orange juice after toothpaste.


You're sick of it.


You're sick of it. You're sick of talking. You see, these are the types of fucking.


Bullshit opinions. You're a sick of fuck, dude.


Why do you say this?


You're a sick fuck dude. It's the truth. I like the mixture.


You're a sicko, dude. You might be built different than everybody else. You might actually be built different.


This is just fucking autism. He is. He literally is.


Neurologically different.


Yesterday's performance was astounding, dude. What you did was crazy.


Yeah, it is impressive.


30 straight to a bar.


And how many lemon drops?


He was crushing.


These things. I mean, how are-Yeah, after that shift.


-it's so many.


I'm surprised you didn't hop right out of there and have sex with a man. -dude, they're 14? -yeah. How you going to do a solid.


Trucker run. And those five vacuat soda.


And you hollered at that dog. You didn't yell at the fucking dog. We went to a bar that people bring their dogs into. And Lamire out of nowhere was like, You can't drink to the dog. You're being friendly. But I was like, Dude, the dog doesn't understand you're joking. It literally just sees someone screaming at it. And he was a good looking dog. He was a good dog. He was a good dog.


He had the dog like it?


We became friends after that. We were hanging out, rubbed his Mohawk.


Speaking of dogs, he did have terrible news. Rip, Zoos. What? Yeah, German Shepherd. He had stomach cancer.


He died. Those white shepherds, bro.


Long for this earth. He's not long for this earth, but he-I.


Don't know why they're fucked up.


His ass was bleeding. So they gave him some medicine, then he had a fucking seizure in front of all the kids.






-what's a dog seizure? -which is not a dog seizure. -is it like a Zoomies? -yeah, a Zoomies with foam. It's fucking… It's.




Dude. A dog seizure is so sad. What did they put him on? I don't know.


They put him down.


Then they took him to the vet and they're like, Yeah, he has.


Stomach cancer. Yeah, the Michael Jackson.


Yeah. He said, Fet and all that. I gave him pepperoni though on Christmas Eve the night before his death.




I said, brother. I was was over there. I said, Riggins. Here's pepperoni. I saw Zuse. You could tell Zuse wasn't feeling well. He was just sitting, but he still was looking at that pep. I said, I got you, brother. I mean, dude is tight. And pepperoni and he was so sick. He was.


Like… And he didn't breathe, right? No. -he's the last of his kind.


-he's the.


Last of the whichever. There's a genetic struggle through nature that ended with him just going under a table. Then his whole bloodline.


Was huge. And then his owner being like, How much is that, Bill?


Blinked out of existence. You got to put him down. I'm not paying for fucking dog surgery.


He's right, by the way.


He is right, but the best was... So my sister FaceTimes me crying, obviously. I was like, Zuse was the guy. He was the man. I love Zuse. And then I was like, How are the kids doing? And Anthony was in the back and he was just like.




Going to the pool. I was like, All right.


The kids don't give a fuck.


They did not give a fuck about that talk, dude. I've never seen kids not care.


We're going to the pool. We're going to the indoor pool today.


I was like, All right. He's all right.


He might have just been masking his pain.


Probably. The indoor water plays just could be sitting under the fucking mushroom thing.


The mushroom water thing.


It's like, Damn, I lost my fucking best friend.




It was Regans, the family would have gone down. Yeah. Zoos was the one that everyone was.


Like, Bro, my brother had a white shepherd. They were counting down the days on… I.


Think that's-They're like weird.






Dogs. Yeah, they're fucked up. They're fucked up dogs.


They're truly a good white- They're a fucked.


Up guy.


Yeah, white shepherds have genetic abnormalities, and they're prone to diseases. They're real fucking sketchy, too. They're cool looking dogs. Yeah.


Looks like a wolf.


Yeah, they're fucked up. Somebody pigged out on the genetics of German shepherds and they're like, Oh, shit.


Those boys love that.




The Germans do love that. The Germans are like, Make him vital.


Make him.




Perfect. Finally, it's a.


Perfect dog. Zuz did crush a bird once in front of everybody. Did he really? Yeah, it was a nice move. We were on a family vacation. We were all in the pool and a bird just swooped too low. It was flying midair. He just jumped in the air and munched it. Chaos ensued the whole family of all just women like...


Yeah, that's fucking great.


Yeah, Zoos was a good guy.


Yeah. I just thought I was thinking about my dog's instinctive programming recently. I was just like, Bro, I had so hard. We were passing a squirrel and I'm like, They have to pull the beach as hard as possible. Yeah, you got to kill that dog. Because I get furious when I'm walking to my arm jerks, I have to calm myself down.


I don't know if there's anything that makes me anger quicker than a fucking dumb ass dog. Oh, my God. The worst is when it hurts your elbow. When you run the wrong way.


You're like, Ow. Dude, I started blaming my upper back problems on my fucking dogs. My fucking my backup. It's not me staring at my phone all the time, scrunched over like the grid. Shane, we should get a dog, dude. You got to get pissed.


The what? We should get a dog for here. What did he say? We should get a dog.


Yeah, true.


We can get a little Bichon Frise.


Carlin, that's after your history with dogs? I'm not bringing a dog into your life.




Would be best friends.


It's like Domber adopting a child. It's bad, dude. I know what you do.


To get animals. You're talking about the abandonment?


He abandoned the dog, he squeezed a frog. He's done all types of wild shit to animals.


Frogs are.


Basically fucking-Squeezable.


They're stress balls for kids, dude. You're supposed to just fucking pop them. Frogs are so killable when.


You're little. What dog do you want?


Bichon Frise.


I'm not sure I know what that looks like.




The dog. You want a gay.


Ass little dog? Yeah, it's a dog that dances.


We can't get a gay dog.


We got to get a.


Dancing dog. It's already gay. We're living together.


I'm in the pool house.


I'm going to fucking O. J. Simpson you out there.




I'm going to cut your fucking head off one night.


It's something vicious.


And huge.


Yeah, I know that guy.


You can get them big, too.


We can't, dude.


You can get a big.


Bichon-friesen, dude. Although, Harlo did have a good gay little dog. That was a good gay dog.




Was it? It's just a little tiny, miniature poodle. They're so cute, too. I usually don't like.


Those guys. It would be nice to go one big, one tiny. I have the big boy and his little buddy. You got to get the little guy first, though, so that the big guy respects.


The little guy. We could get a Bulldog.


Bulldog is.


Nice, dude. But then we can't... I'm never here. I know you're going to be here always.


Yeah, true.


I know you're going to haunt. This is your house now.


I want to get it together.


What are you going to do?


I don't know.


Deck it out.


I'm going to get it together. Shane won't let me do my rest. I got something I think you'll like that you might be able to be frameable.


What is this? Let me hear the idea.


Let me hear it.


All right. There's this painting on Spongy. It's called, Brasher and Bold. I got a painting of, Brash and Bold from Spongy Bob.


You want to frame a Spongy Bob?


It's already framed.


This is already. This house is already a black guy's house. We can't frame a.


Spongy Bob.


It's already the blackest house possible. I have five T-shirts hanging. It's a totally.


Empty house. Well, Mayor, I have a take for you. I'm curious if you'll take this one. I would say at this point in history, Asians are flyer than black people.


Wait, say.


That again. Asians, I think, have quietly become flyer than black people at this point in history.




Fashion-wise? I'm talking about the drapp, the dripp.




Tiktoks. The TikToks.


The whips. Dude, that fucking side-running thing. That might.


Have put them over the top there. -mainly the drip.


The side-running things might be cool than the CripWalk.


What's the side-running thing?


It's like...


Yeah, Sean, man. That was actually a pretty good representation, honestly. -that's crazy.


-they've been watching you guys for a long time, though.


I know, dude. They have. It's a 100-year plan.


They just have all the C-C-P-I.


I'm not implementing data, dude.


Yeah, dude, I'm telling you, I walk by Asian ladies now and they're just like, The drips is incredible. I'm like, What the fuck happened?


I just touched a deer on them. I'm a dumb fuck.


Dude, I think, yeah.


I'm telling you, it's been a silent coup. Well.


A silent coup. I think they came for it pretty loudly. They're like, we're going to make all the stuff cheap.


And then we're-True. That's a good point. And think about the.


Economic fact. You can't just type in Asian running, bro. This might not be it. You got it? Let me say.


It's a good dance.




Yeah. Pippinay is like back.


Damn, that's.


So tight. Yeah. Can someone explain how he's doing this?


Can someone explain how he's.


Doing this?




Do use a very offensive white accent all the time on videos. Can someone.


Explain how he's doing this? I don't know. I am excited for YouTube Voice to take over Local News Voice. That voice is going to be, when we get older, our local news is going to be like, Coming up at seven? What's going on with the local water park? I'm stuck on water parks, but you know what.


I mean? Like and subscribe to.


channel 5 News. Did you ever get into the, what is it called? The trans-Atlantic accent?




Whereas people from New York want to talk vaguely British? Yeah. Like, Oh, wow. See.


Like Fraser?




It's almost Peeky Blinder talk.


It's that accent of affluent.


Yeah. Cheers, mate. You're like, Dude, we're in fucking northeastern.


I was thinking the trans-Atlantic. I thought it was more like, Yes, I will do that. No, I.


Think the trans-Atlantic is like, you borrow British lexicon, but you sneak in in a way where you're not like just crushing like a crockadog.


It's just hipster, bar tongue? They're the only ones doing it.


Yes, it's a trans-Atlantic accent. Cheers, guys. But I could be wrong. Let me see. I'll do a-Okay, cheers.


Yeah. Truffle fries?


All right, cheers. Oh, I.


Love the truffle fries.


Cheers. Let me see. Let's see. Is there any translantic accent? Oh, here we go. This is a clap. I could be wrong. You might be right about this. Don't tell me you're forsaken. You're the.


Not at Whisky and twisky.


You are right. You're right.


But there's guys that they're teaching how to do it now. So you can learn how to do it.




Who? What? Or when?






Are they bringing it back?


It's like a cool thing you can do now. You can start doing, I guess you're right. That is the old time of the accent. I thought it was people trying to learn how to speak subtly British.


No, it was like American, New England like-That's crazy. -we're rich. I went, Oh, like O'Connor's dad. Christopher, you can't take the yacht out today.


I was wrong.


Speaking of the Kiss Man, he just texted me about Kiss Man staying down here. When is he coming? Oh, yeah. -god damn. -oh, he's coming soon. I got to stop drinking and saying you guys could stay here. It's going to be bumpy. This place is going to be bad.


You're being a disco ball.


For the ceiling, dude. This place is going to be nuts.


It's going.


To be insane. I got on a nice bet. O'connor can get me more fired up than you. Yeah. He's the one that gets me. Yeah, true. He'll be real bad on me. Because I'll just hit him with like I hit him. He's a.




Too. He's so good at it.


I just woke up one morning, I was like, I haven't talked to Chris in a while. I'll try to fight him. Yeah, true. I was just like, Dude, they took Trump off the ballot in Colorado and Virginia. Don't you think that's a little fucked up? You think that's fucking crazy a little to arrest your political opponent and then take him off ballots?




And he's like, Yeah. I mean, they're both so fucked up now. It's like, No, no, no. Hold on. Stop doing that.




He did a good job of constantly being like, I know the whole thing is crazy. I'm just done with it. It's like, No, admit that this is fucked up. Just that one. He's like, Yeah, but he's fucked up so many times.


Sounds like you were getting liberal.


He liberal is the.


Fuck out of me.


Yeah, true. That is nuts. I was following that. I was like, It can't be that. It's got to be like, someone. They straight up just took him off.




But it didn't work. It didn't work at all.


No, I think they did.


I think the Supreme.


Court-i think the Supreme Court is going to go, no.


Okay. The fuck. I thought the Supreme Court already did. I guess another state was like.


No, we're not. Colorado, and I think it was Virginia. Really? Yeah. Trying to take the Trump dog off the ballot. Virginia? -down Virginia Way. Virginia Way? There's a liberal's control in.


Virginia Way. True. Yeah, the fucking the man in the man in North Richmond, dude.


Yeah, they're trying to take off our fucking beloved Trump off the fucking ballot.


That's fucking crazy. The next one, dude.


The next-That'd be good. That's a good move because the people voting for him are never going to spell it right.




You're going to spell the fuck out of that.




How dare you. I know I'm such a lib. I'm such a fucking elite. This is right, yeah.


Although to be fair, it is everywhere. The flags fly high down there, so you can just fucking.


Grab the binoculars. The Genua? Yeah, you can go, How do you fucking do that?


Bam, hit the binoculars right there. What were people calling him?


Drumpth for a while? Drumpth. That was a liberal slam, dude. Drumpth.


He's going to win, isn't that how it is? Isn't like he's definitely going to win? That's what I keep hearing. That's what I thought last time, though. He's definitely going to win anyy loss.


Well, it sounds.


Like wrestling-Might have been some Tom Fullery, if I'm being honest. It feels like he's going to win. We didn't know they're going to fucking hit the ripcord on the race war. The true race war pandemic, they pulled out.


On the stop. I'm telling you, they're firing it back up.


There's a fucking-They're.


Getting the race war going. There's new movies now, dude. They're trying to fire it back up and the movies are crazy.


Movies are wild.


Magic and Negro movie?


Yeah. I can't even say the movie. I don't like that magic movie.


That worked so well on Firing Me Up, dude. I saw that preview and I was like...


No. Michelle Obama is watching you and you're like.


We got him. Got his ass. We got him. He's going to be mad for the next five hours.


He's going to say.


Something fucked up. He's going to say something really racist to Lamare or Nate.


No, dude, that movie- You ever.


Been on Twitter?


The premise of it is crazy, dude.




It's pretty wildly outdated in terms of using troll.


It's from eight years ago. Yeah. Yeah.


It is an eight-year-old movie. It should have came out a long time ago.


It would have killed back then.


Yeah. Yeah, Lamar, you don't have to make it as comfortable, dude. If you're worried about.


Making it as comfortable. The most dangerous thing is an uncomfortable white.


I know you worked so hard to make me comfortable.


I can't even talk about my.


Favorite movie. I can't even talk about all my favorite fucking movies.


I can't.


Hang my sponge. I can't wait for the new Color Purple to come out. I can't fucking wait.


Is the new.


Color Purple coming out? Obviously, dude. There's a new election. It's time to run it back.


True, yeah.


My mom saw it on Christmas. Did she? Yeah, she liked it. I was so hungry, my stomach's going off.




Stomach will.


Not stop growling. Anytime we try to film, stomach would be going rips.


Literally, I'm wearing a microphone right here. Just mid-scene, we'd be talking and just be like, I'll just stare at the sound guy and he'd be like, Oh, shit.


You let yourself get hungry, though. You don't eat for long stretches. I fill the tank, too.


In the morning, I don't really-Really? Yeah. I'm like.


I think I had a tripoli on the drive. I just bought snacks. I was.


Like, I don't want to eat. You're on Adderall and Celsius. You're never going to lunch.


Yeah, true. What was the snack situation?


Nuts, peanuts. They had some meat sticks and-No.


I know, I will say the dump you take after a 30-hour drive is out of control.


It's beautiful. It's nice, relieving.


It's going to be crazy. Yeah. What's the longest stretch you put in behind the wheel? I did.


Four Florida, Pennsylvania, Arizona.


God damn. I forgot during the pandemic.


You were fucking-I went wild. Yeah, I've done the stretch.


You had to secure the Hughes. Secure Hughes.


I secured. Yeah, I mean, that's who I was with. I was like, Dude, hook me up with those Hughesers. I was flying. But that was during the pandemic. So the whole every road was empty and gas was ten cents. It was fucking cool.


Yeah, that was cool. I missed the pandemic, dude.


Yeah. It was so much fun. It was just living like we live now, just guilt-free. Well, no one else is doing anything. I can lay around all day for two years straight.


It was weird. You're like, All right, I'll just go. I just sat in my basement and just did weird stuff for a year. It's pretty tight, actually. The fear of death, looming fear of death was tight.


Yeah, it was nice.


Fuck yeah, dude, my whole fucking family could die.


Right now. Now we're never going to die.


I lived to my dad. I lived to my dad a couple of times during the pandemic. Is no one you lived with? No, I lived him hard earlier. Did you really? Yeah, I was like, Dad, stop going to the fucking bar. You're going to kill mom.


What, Shane? I loved the dudes that were COVID deniers from the jump that just because they wanted to go to the bar. True. Phil, Gilles, and Tommy. Those are the two guys I knew that were like, Fucking things bullshit. I've never even looked into it once. I'm just like, I'm not going to the bar. Fuck that.


Dude, I'm telling you, that becomes like a sacred. You don't realize how sacred of a space the bar becomes. Those dudes don't even realize it, but they're in the setting and they're just like fucking… It's like a ritual. All of a sudden, the shit starts changing and they're just like….


Yeah, it's a good ritual.


You dig into a bar, it's tight. When you dig into a bar and go to a bar sober and slowly get drunk there, it's fucking awesome. It's very fun. Yeah, it's my.


Favorite thing in.


The world.


I love it. Especially when you go to, I was with Phil this week just checking out, going to his old bars.


Shit rules.


Just dudes chilling.


Do you have any vets? Do you have any vets? Here or any, Elk Lodge or any of those?


I'm sure they do.


I'm sure.


Yeah. I'm probably not welcome in many of them.


You're right, dude. It'd be like- Come on, man.


Austin is.


So lived, dude. Austin is lived.




Might put a statue of you up.


I'm probably not welcome, dude. They hate fucking white alphas like me, dude. Take charge white alphas. Last week while you were gone, that's all I talked about. -take charge. My take charge. I had a take charge, can't do attitude. It's new, 2024.


That makes sense. Then you got confused.


I had a can't do take charge attitude.


Then I got confused. -then you got confused. -the fuck is going on. If you try to do that take charge attitude, you're.


Going to-Why is my organism being worked so hard by this symbolic self? Why am I winning myself so hard? By my immaterial, symbolic.


Story-fucking- Yeah, you can't learn these terms. You got to stop learning these terms. That's why you're confused.


I know. Dude, I'm telling you, I sat there today and I was like, Why the fuck am I thinking of the origin of the universe?




You got to stop with this bullshit. I was rocking my kid to sleep, and I'm like, I got to stop thinking. I started thinking about that before the big bang, dude. It's just there's nothing there for me. I can't stop thinking about it. That's what's fucked up. My brain goes right back to it. I'm going, Okay, there's a control.


Not at all. There's nothing before the big bang, dude.




It's impossible.


Why is.


It impossible? Then how the big bang happened?




Of what? Nothing. The void.


It was imploding.


Of what? Materials.


I think it was just God's idea.


Okay, there you go. That's I'll fuck with that. I'll fuck with that.


Then, brother, face.


To the deep. The one guy was like, Well, what about people?


You know what I'm talking about?


You're the one that's getting more than makes sense.




Yeah. You start going like, Okay, so I was like a germ first and then that came in the next. Especially when I have my kid, I'm like, All right. I was a derm eventually. Then like, You have a kid?


No, you're a crisis king.


Yeah, I start going, Dude, this.


Is bullshit. You're going to say Christ as Lord. Yeah, dude, for real. Say Christ.


As Lord. Christ as Lord.


-amen. Thank you.


You don't have to make me say.


That, dude. Dude, for real.


People-you're saying every.


Single day. You do. Science has tried to slam people for that. It's like, dude, you guys are literally wasting your time. Science has tried to get this shit to fuck up.


We've started to.


Come together to get this shit to fuck up, dude. It's like, bro, who cares, man? I'm more interested who made Gravity, bro. Fuck off.


Maybe God is.


Gravity, dude. -that's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah, I can't stop. Now I'm on a nice book right now, The Invention of the diesel engine. I showed you that.


-yes, all right, I'm happy.


You're on that.


-that's what's up. That's where it's at.


Just a nice tale, a nice linear tale that I'm following. That I'm like.


This is fucking fun. That's what dads get into. My dad would sit there and watch how to make things. There was a history show of how it's made. He'd just sit there and watch a factory.


Yeah, I like that show actually. The show's rules. The show's really good. The diesel engine was, I didn't know anything about it. I didn't know how it worked or anything. It's groundbreaking technology.


Is it like corn?


No wait, that's-It could run. It can burn any fuel. Anything that produces calories to diesel engine can run on. That's why I was such a threat to the Rockefellers. Damn. Standard Oil. Standard Oil. So I was such a threat to the Rockefellers. But damn. Standard oil.


Standard oil, said, We got to shut this down.


They don't know. He was found drowned. They don't know who killed him. Or he's like, I don't think you can't kill yourself by drowning yourself. Unless you just know damn well you ass can't swim and you jump in the water. Which is.


Like-where was he found?


Dude, I forget. I think it was somewhere in Germany maybe.


You can toss yourself into a river and drown. True.


That's crazy, though. If you're going to kill yourself.


That's a sorry way. I could never do that.


Sounds like he got killed by Exxon Triple X.


All right, that's it.




Slided in the water. It's a walk-off from the music. I'm so excited to have you here.


I can't wait, dude. I'm nervous. I'm scared.


Don't be scared, dude.


I'm ready to work at the mothership.


You got to get into the mothership. That's your goal. Bring your best. That's 2024. That's your goal. You got to get passed at the mothership.


Yeah, got to make Adam.


Like me again. Can I give you some advice? Yeah. You walk in there with a Ken, dude, take charge attitude, bro, no one can stop.


I'm kicking in the door, like, Give me a job.


If they stop you outside and go, Excuse me. Just go, Guys, get the fuck out of my leg.


Just keep walking. Yeah, it's cops.


Out front. If there's someone else's name on the list, just walk just Kanye right on the stage and just fucking do your act and you'll get the fucking big wigs attention. Please. Who is this kid?




Is this kid new in town?


Please just be humble, bro. Yeah.




Everybody loves you. You're very likable. Just be humble.


It's going to be fun, dude. It'll be fun. Yeah.


You have a blast, bro.


You can have too much fun, especially when Nathan gets down here. I'm so excited for Nate to get down here.


Yeah, it'll be nice. I've been talking to Brittany every morning. I'm like, I think Leverse here now.


Yeah, it's nice to have one more. I'm so sick of hanging out with just fucking Gaudine, dude. It sucks, dude. Let's do it. All right, yeah. Let's go over to the Patrick on.