Transcribe your podcast

The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only, so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up? You call? Everybody in a welcome to my brother, my brother and me, and if advice show for the modern era, I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.


I'm your Middle East brother, Travis McElroy, and I'm a Hollywood hitmaker.


Griffin McElroy, the youngest brother.


Well, boys just got back from another meeting with the producers and director.


Oh, of the of our podcast. Of our podcast. But they have some big notes, especially as they're heading into the next fun drive. Last week, it was my turn this week.


They want more storylines.


They said, not enough storylines. OK, some more. It could be behind the scenes. It could be in front of the scenes. It could be in the middle of the scenes.


Well, this is great news because I've just become like a sexy doctor, like I've just become a sort of sexual doctor.


And now that feels like two different things driven a sexy doctor versus a sexual doctor feels like, well, I don't know.


OK, so, yeah, that's good. Trav, I don't like diagnose and give medicine to help people sexual, do you not. I mean, it's just like my body looks good and all the patients are like please. And I'm like I can't. I am, I am happily married. But but I'm also I'm pretty darn good at it like I can do. I've. Oh my God. Guys, I had to get some bloodwork done yesterday.


Not covid related.


Do not sweat and I'm going to continue to sweat as your brother because I don't know why you have blood work done. Yeah. Just SESAR. Yeah it is an allergy panel. It's like the nerdiest imaginable like reason to get blood work done.


Any who the person who is taking my blood was quite chatty and that's their prerogative. I'm not here to, you know, shame them for that.


But they were doing a lot of characters I'll say they were doing a lot of skit work, let's say. And at one point they were looking for my vein and they said, oh, that's a nice, big, juicy vein.


Going to get going to get a lot of blood out of that and started to do a vampire thing now.


And like for the remainder of from the moment the needle entered my arm until the moment I left the room, she spoke, spoken a vampire voice, and she did, I swear to God.


And it was one of the top five worst things that's ever happened to me, because can you to imagine a more sort of hostage scenario than having a needle in your body and you just can't you can't move. And also, they're going to try out some new SNL audition tape tactics on you.


This is the difference between Griffin and I, because Griffin's Griffin's, let's say, fear here.


Griffin's discomfort comes from him saying this is this person trying out new material on him where I would be thinking, like if I was a vampire job, I would get would be drawing blood from people.


And so who's to say that this isn't the reveal? This isn't the prestige.


I don't know how that's it's a fair point, Travis, but like, I can actually not imagine any worse job for a vampire because you're going to be so tempted by this shit. And I hope that this lab has their shit on lock enough that like, if blood goes missing. Yeah.


Like, it's I want I want my stuff on the book somewhere. I only have so much blood and well, maybe take a little bit extra, you know, the juices running.


And in this case the juice is your blood sugar. The juice is also running on the max fun drive, which we're going to talk about a little bit later on this episode with this Max Fund drive has very chill vibes. That's the feedback we've been getting, is a lot of people say that like when we ask for money, it's like going on a beach vacation, which is so cool. And if you want to join the network now, go to maximum fun organized join.


Look at all the different reward tiers that you can give out on a monthly basis and think about supporting the show in the network as a whole to go to maximum fun network sites. Join.


It's me, the head of the network, Reggie Bigshot. I heard you need a little drama to spice things up, boy. Here are some for you. Sorry. I love that, Harris. Please, please don't say that again. You know, Lars-Erik had a very high bar there catching up on you. That's about right.


That's not enough for my personal health or centerpoint care. No, but I am worried about you. Are you OK? I love you.


I loved what you were bringing at the beginning and the old days of my mom. I remember mama. I love that AFAM farm jokes and I get a lot of blue stuff.


Yeah. About lots of different marginalized groups of people. I love that love to you don't you gave us a lot of positive feedback.


I'm not so crazy about the new stuff I like. Honestly, boys, the wells run running a little, a little dry.


So here's the deal. A real raise that I've seen this max fund drive during this episode of my Broberg.


You're out. All right. You are.


But then let's get let's let them fucking finish. Trumbull Trimbole, you let me finish.


Thank you.


Greedo, listen, if you don't raise enough money in this episode of Bam, you're kaput.


People gotta go to maximum fun dog Vertigo and they got to push back and save our show. Save your show. My show. Law and Order episode see A that I how I made my bed jillions that show is fine.


It's in its 30 season and odds are that my shows on Major it's your show that's on the ropes now.


But Mr. Big Shot, if if our colleagues call me Mr. Reggi. Big shot, Mr. Reggi.


Big shot.


If you are to cancel our show, then who would take care of all of these orphans who I have dubbed Traviss kids that that come to mind.


Rape of orphans. Mr..


They come to my community center every day and I teach them about driving night teaching these seven and eight year olds how to drive Mr. Big Shot.


And I mean, all Fords are like not just driving cars, but like driving golfball forklift. Yeah, driving people crazy. I put them real work. You don't need to worry about that.


I'm going to turn them into a human humidors for my weight.


You otherwise you would cut them up and store cigars inside.


No, there's no matter of that temperament and tenor of fine cigar in the pocket of a young child.


I have this kid loaded up their dungarees and their leverage with all my premium smokes and then let them sit in in a very humid room.


And it is how you get there.


And people I've I'm so sorry to interrupt, Mr. Reggi. Big shot, but people.


All right. Some warming up and people just let you do that. Well, if your show's canceled, their, you know, wouldn't just stop me. That doesn't hold on through that. Griffin and Justin and I are the only people stopping people from using children.


As I said, he left. You know, I'm jumbles some place.


I like jumbles not be in the show. The real star. He left the room. He gets scared whenever I come in.


He hides under a table like we're doing the nuke drill back at my childhood.


He's under the table right now, just pissed his pants.


He's under the table and jurymen the Bible, which is a big shot. You know, we have to pay for that now. That's fifty five thousand dollars this year to pay for it.


Diabetic, diabetic. Dave, back to his shirt pocket. Hey, I do know about that.


A cigar I did. I do know about the segments.


You did get Mr. Reggie big shot because you were on the boat that they dumped the Dave Matthews Band doki onto. And that's sort of like your origin story.


That's why you are the way you are.


I just wanted to say that I'm I'm like, hugely in love with you.


And can you please describe exactly what you look like? Me. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, OK. All right. It's just me. Imagine four cans of paint stacked on top of each other.


Fuck, yeah. OK, each one of those is like one of my legs.


All right. And then on top of that, I imagine just to clarify.


Sorry, segmented like that.


Yeah. Do you have significant legs and violated.


OK then imagine a big ol crusty salad loaf that's got a little bit rugged.


Yeah. That's my.


Oh you like. You liked that. Yeah. Oh I live on my side.


My favorite thing about you, Mr. Big Shot, is that you seem to be feeling yourself a lot.


Yeah. You've got a lot of just gonna say sexual energy coming off. Just your confidence, your confidence is very attractive.


He's crying under under the table, he's under the table and crying. Are you married? I am, I'm feeling I'm feeling, feeling my sexy.


It's been a great few months for me.


Oh, has it? Surprisingly, yeah. What's what's been going on? You know, all the bad stuff that's been happening. Yeah.


It's all been good for me in ways that are hard to explain. Well, I will try.


We right now my head looks like Charles Grogan's head with like one for one. Just one for what.


No one for one point three distorted it all the wrong way, like in a carnival near like a beautiful carnival mirror of hatred.


Yes. So wait, just to be clear, it's like Charles Grodin. If Charles Grodin was fueled by hatred and slightly distorted, the marketing says your people love Charles Grodin.


That's true. We got a lot of things to be in here, a lot of well familiar.


Listen, I'm watching the donation counter. It's going down. You're not advising anyone? Oh, no, you can't. Oh, they're can't. They're not canceling. They're leaving the family. That is in your hair parlance.


Listen. The point is this, if I don't see those numbers where I need them to be, you're going to start putting safeguards in the children's pockets.


I think, Richard, Richard Belzer wants another pay bump. So say a lot of that.


Let's double check. We'll get our fact checkers on that. Don't worry about that.


Just real quick or fake, Richard Belzer is fine. He needs a pay bump and all the rest of the cast of Law and Order body C.A.T..


What? They'll want to meet it. So listen. Get the numbers up or you'll kill Richard Belzer. Get the numbers up good enough, I'll let you meet Christopher Maloney. Oh.


I know I've been saying that he's too busy to be with you and he is well, carve out some time schedule is a nicer word.


I like to do the carrot and the stick. So the stick is your canceled. First prize is Christopher Maloney. That comprises your handsome. Yeah, we'll make that happen. You're not just talking about like you're going to buy a cameo of Mr. Malony, are you know, he's made Crystal make time for me.


I don't know if it's sweeten the pot at all, but I will trade you three orphans for like 10 minutes.


Hang out with Christopher Maloney. No, I've got Blaen right now. I'm stocked up, so don't sweat it.


Why would you take my orphans for humidors?


Listen, listen, I got to get out of here, OK? What a pleasure. Kind of turning into Beatles's a little bit so I got gotta listen.


I gotta go.


Yeah. I get the fuck out of here. Hey you know what I miss him like it's like I didn't, he didn't go down.


He didn't go down the stairs. He just shut the door. He's listening. They're OK, right?


He says he fell, he tripped a little bit, which is kind of does confirm my suspicions that he was quite drunk during his appearance on this show. Should we do questions?


Yeah, that would be nice. I was I was kind of enjoying just, you know, free form a little bit, but I'd love to I'd love to get it now.


That's right. Fuck this show. Now the show can begin.


Also my third I have a trip planned once things return to normal to go on a mystic.


Once things return to the new normal, perhaps to go on once we've established a new society, yeah, wants to go on a bachelor party on a houseboat as a prank, we have purchased a dissolving swimsuit.


However, we are at a loss as to how we can get the groom. To wear in the water without going suspicious with their bare bum or in Canada.


All good news is you're pregnant yourself. I don't know.


Thirty six months Head Start on this show.


We'll get the whiteboard out and we'll we'll start devising an intricate and intricate plan.


Now, I am going to say I have not done any research into this perfect. But based off of things I know about things that dissolve, I'm willing to bet that perhaps the quality of material of this swimsuit may be noticeably different.


Dead giveaway speculation. Yes, standard swimsuit material.


I'm not I'm going to live in fear every time I enter a body of water that I have been pranked and now my meeting to veg is about to pop out and that is no good. I do think what it boils down to is of of top of my head presents to give I can think of. I got you. The swimsuit is it's a real left fielder. That's a real curveball, as they say.


I can think of maybe two friends of mine, but if they got me a really cool looking swimsuit, but even then, if I was a company that made dissolvable swimsuits, I don't think I'd put a lot of time into the design process.


We got a strike gifting the swimsuit like that's not going to work. And so now we're getting into a scenario where you have to steal all of his swimsuits.


And then when it's time to swim, you're like, oh, don't worry, you can borrow my pair. Actually, that's it. That's a fucking great idea. And that's going to work.


You can borrow my paper thin like pair. Hey, it's the only one we got.


Do you want to get in the fucking river or not? I mean, what if your friend is like, I'll just swim nude? You guys have been talking a lot of shit and now I'm going to give it to you.


Real OK, dissolving shorts, stag do holiday party, bachelor joke, prank swim shorts.


We're going to head on over to eBay, OK, world's largest on a dollar repository to talk about what is depicted in this image as the original prank.


Short of this is coming to us from a seller called Stag Do Shorts, and the only thing they sell is dissolving.


That's a cool business you made. It's a cool business they made. There are copies of our item being sold in the web. Please be careful.


You only get one chance at this point here. So try which is a good chance of break.


You're doing whatever this unfortunate fool me once.


Shame on you. I wish I could jump in again. Prank your mates with these shorts.


Once in the pool, a chemical reaction between the special thread and the water dissolves the thread, making the shorts just come away, the sides leaving your friend naked in the pool. Ha shorts can be worn as normal, but within seconds of being in water, the fun starts. What your friends face go from confused to embarrass as he scrambles to cover up.


All you need to do is hide your friend short bestand before you get to hotel. Offer them your spare pair and it's all set. Try my full lifeguard set. Make your victim the pool lifeguard. He comes in. Same will happen.


No other list thing.


That's a fucking wild way of doing it. Yeah. What a high risk scenario.


Bachelor pool party. Hell yeah. Not you, Dylan. I know it's your special time, but you got to be the lifeguard. That's what you do when a group of friends goes swimming. Someone's got a lifeguard.


Yes. Now I am watching a video of this happening. Oh, trap, trap.


And it's this poor man appears to be in the middle of a hotel like a very public place. Yeah. As his clothing is actively failing him. And I would say that this goes very quickly from, oh, he's got kind of a smirk on his face.


What is happening to you? I'm going to get arrested. I'm I'm in a public place. All my bets are going to be out.


We should probably make it clear the three of us are having a lot of fun here.


This is sort of ethically reprehensible and genuinely should be a legal sort of thing.


And you shouldn't get your friend's privates out as a joke. Yeah, that's that seems like that's a we're all on the same page. I didn't want people to write in and be like. So you like this particular. Yes. No.


Inappropriate to get anyone's bits out without their explicit.


Consent, I will say they do have a few more safety recommendations here of what how well mention first off, is this that the end it says keep dry, which, yes, I am on iron, on cool with no steam.


Why the fuck am I hurting this one with four formal dissolving shirt?


Hey, Brian, these wrist shorts, trami, crisp pleated shorts, do not let your man wash them to make them nice for you going away.


Yes, this happened.


Did it? If the in the unlikely event of a problem with the shorts, they must be returned for inspection. It's a cool gig. Yeah, they didn't follow because I'm a failed dissolving shorts, inspector.


I love it. You got throw these away. I'm watching the same video that Travis is watching, and it's just kind of a bummer because I used all of his friends laughing and it's like, get it, your dick.


And he's like, yeah, I guess so.


This YouTube videos, I'm now looking at a man's whole balls on YouTube. I didn't know you could do that on YouTube. Yeah, don't do this. Don't do this thing. That's actually the easiest option.


I'm glad we all got there together. Can I do a Yahoo!


You know what would be fun? What touch wear them.


And under those, you have another slightly smaller pair of swim trunks that say, like happy bachelor not they're not today friend, but even that. So that's an even longer walk, isn't it, Travis? Because it's like you have to make them think you're wearing dissolving swim trunks, which they may not know is a thing. So that's a hard sell it just like, boy, I hope these don't dissolve when I get in the water like some swim trunks are going to.


Have you guys heard about those dissolving? These are them, right? You guys would tell me.


Right, because these are normal swim trunks. But do they feel funny? Here I go. Cannonball.


Oh, no. I'm going to get I feel terrible. I can't believe you. My friends would do this to me when we're here to celebrate Derek's nuptials. How could you we're all just trying to have a good time and you're trying to expose my genitals without my explicit consent. Look at this, Derek.


Gotcha. Gotcha. My. He's not out. Nice try, though.


What are you talking about? You protect yourself, Chris. Yes. And I almost had me. Here's a here's a Yahoo!


That was sent in by several folks. Thank you, everyone who sent this. And it's Yahoo! Answers user Josh who asks what's next for knives? Yes, knives are completely useless in this new age of guns and drones. In my opinion, they are going to have to change the designs of knives and that interesting and useful new features to compete with guns and drones. What do you think is the next evolution of knives? I enjoyed this question more before I read this additional information, because I like knives more in the abstract rather than as hurting hurting tools for hurting.


I would also argue that knives still do things that guns and drones don't do. Oh, sure. Yeah. Stab for one. Yeah. Cut. Yeah. Point, poke, poke, and that's a better balanced slice, I mean, that's about it. No, you like to you use it to. You know what?


If you are a person who is lost in the wilderness, it's a lot easier to use a knife to cut down stuff for shelter than a drone or a gun.


Yeah, for a gun. Totally. I think if I were ordering them, knife would be easiest to cut down some branches, then gun and then drone in that order.


I think that the issue here is if you if they want to make cooler, bigger, better gun, they can just make a bigger problem with knife. You make a knife too big a sword.


That's a sword. So it still does need to be a knife. That's all proportions, though, isn't it? Hmm.


Oh, you're saying if you're a person if the hilt is also gargantuan, then you could still say that it's a knife.


Yeah. Or you could have if Paul Hogan's around, you could if he says it's a knife, he gets to indicate basically what's not a knife and what is a knife.


Really busy. Yeah, he is pretty busy. I know what I like. You know what I like when they have those knives to do other things, then they're not just nice sanctions knives in here. And also it's a bottle opener. And also it's got like a little wrench in there. That's fun to me. But maybe they take it further and it's like it's a knife and it's a sandwich, right? Or like it's a knife and. Oh, God.


Oh, this is topical. Let me try again. Can I try again. Yeah, please.


It's a knife. The knife sandwich thing was pretty stupid.


OK, but let me try, let me try again.


It's really topical with a lot of viral stuff that's been going on on the Internet right now. So, OK, it's a knife, but then you got to pick it up. It's cake. What? OK, this is actually a perfect thing, isn't this a perfect time for me to stop the entire show?


And I missed it.


The thing that the inception of it and I only caught the aftershocks of that particular meme and it has before I couldn't piece together that it was some sort of meme. And I thought I was kind of losing it for just a little bit. So what's going on there with that? Go ahead and walk me through that, please.


Well, it all began. That sounds pretty boring. Are you sure you want him to do that? If he could do it in 12 seconds. It began with a viral video where it's like, oh, this looks like a roll of toilet paper. No, we're cutting into it. It's cake. This looks like a bottle of ocean. Oh, we're cutting into a cake. But at no point did they say, look at this, it looks like cake.


No, it's actually a roll of toilet paper. That would have been way more impressive to me. That's true.


I want my butt with a cake. I want to stop the plug. I want to stop the stopping. The podcast is say, Griffin, walk me through that real quick.


I don't want to fuck this episode in particular has been like, here's a funny, awesome bad ass thing that I just said.


And you're like, show your work that I think we've danced around.


What's next for knives and what we can do as sort of knife innovators? Sharper.


I think you eventually reach a sort of like atomic like limit there, like a certain sort of like an atom. Right. And that's dangerous because those motherfuckers are all over the place. So second like a second blade.


But, oh, I've got it like a butt.


But running perpendicular to the first blade or like coming out the side of the hill or back on the back, like you're like you're the frickin the guy.


The gentleman from Phantom Menace. Yeah.


Mr. Maul. I believe it was after all, Dr. Mole just walked by Esquire.


I knew he was a zoback, but I couldn't remember his name. That's fucked up.


Now, I let me pitch this I and I'm going to picture it, try to describe it.


I don't understand how the inner workings would work, but imagine a tube, right.


And you load the knife into it and it is pressurized in the same way that you can release that pressure and the knife as forth from the tube and buries itself into whatever you're pointing it at.


I mean, I'm again, I was more thinking about kitchen innovations, but I have had some trouble with sweet potatoes that I imagine knife gun would help me out with.


Dan, you think whoever invented the bayonet was like, I'm going to take the rest of the year off.


This is the guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, check it out.


You know how we since we got guns and like we just been sort of rolling over, Mike Huckabee has been going wild since we got gun, but we all kind of still miss sawed the fuck out.


I did a kick ass job today. I enjoyed that in the movie The Old Guard.


Did you guys see that flag with Charlize Theron and a bunch of other people in it? No, no. Yeah, it was good. And they they they've been alive for a very, very long time and they're very good at murder and they always bring a gun. But then also Ax is with them. They bring an axe to and it seems weird city to point out like guns can't do everything they need to do. They need X still to to come to come to the party.


I wonder if it's like a security act. Like it just makes you feel better I guess.


Well I don't know if gun acts up and turns against you. It's like a little old lady who used an axe to chop up all her guns.


Exactly. There's not a lot of moving parts in and there's not a lot of points of failure for Axe Gun.


Who even knows how that who knows what the fuck's going on in there?


It's like scooter stick, heavy part, sharp edge done. We love it. And I love what's that juice. The maximum fun network. OK, in our extended podcasting family. Got it. This is the max fun driver.


I know it's weird, but that's the subtitle. I know it's weird. It's been weird for months. It's not less weird now.


But if and basically it works like this, this shows that you listen to on the maximum fun network are funded and made possible by you.


And I know that you probably hear that a lot on NPR or whatever is very true.


A maximum fun is one hundred percent directly true on NPR.


They're fucking lying. They are. Thank you. Yeah. They're not, they're, they're funny. But some of them might be. Some might be.


But we we rely on you to pledge a few bucks a month if you like this stuff the. We do or other shows of the network do, please consider joining maximum fun again today. Join is the link. They have tiers as low as like five bucks a month.


If you can pledge five bucks a month, you get like a bit jillion hours of bonus content. It's absolutely Buckwild. And if you can join at ten dollars a month, you can get a Maxford membership card and a cool pin and all about its content.


So it's a very it's a very tantalizing offer.


And it really I can't actually express to you how important these donations are to our way of life and to being able to make this show as our job and do all the other stuff that we do. It is all possible, thanks to people that that are are joining the network and helping support these shows.


And I really I can't thank you enough. It it honestly means the world to us. We have a lot of fun here, but it is it's a big deal.


Um, yeah. I just set it maximum fun dog size joint. I don't actually know if you said the URL, but click on the link of my voice and go to maximum fun dog says China, and look at the different pledge levels and help us out if you can.


How about another question?


You know I love that. Thank you so much. Now, I was about to say it's so funny.


I was about to say it. And then you. Can I get. Can I get a handleable. Yeah. Yeah. I desire another question to be delivered to me upon a platter of gold.


I can never just be the thank the finest questions that humanity bring me here.


I want to know who is.


My mom texted me today and said she wanted to get into Bitcoin. She asked me whether it was a good investment. She started small. I don't know why she wants to get involved with this stuff. And I'm pretty sure Bitcoin is a scam. My question is, is it ethical to help my only mother invest in investing cryptocurrency?


And that's from crypto skeptic.


All money is a scam. When you think about it, guys go off because it's all just made up. Bitcoin boobs bullshit. Oh, this piece of paper is worth this much. Meadowvale off, go off.


It's fucking nothing. That said, I think bitcoin is even more so. Bitcoin is absolute.


I mean. Yes, but OK, I can answer some of these questions. I know the exact right time to get into Bitcoin was three months ago. Every single time at any point in history, the right time to do it was before you ever started doing it. Right. So so that that is that is a challenge. Bitcoin is one of those blind spots for me where if someone who was older came to me and said, so, Justin, what is the deal with Bitcoin?


I feel like I would have to just sort of freeze it and remain perfectly still and silent until they thought I was something was wrong with me. And they left their room because that would be so complete would be my ignorance that I think it would lower my stock sort of permanently in there, like when their Internet broke. Right.


They wouldn't come to the gym and they wouldn't listen to my recommendations on TV shows like any of that.


And the problem is, is even if you were able to explain it to them, they would believe you less. It would. They would it would seem more like you were fucking with them than if you just stood there silent like a statue. Because the truth is, Bitcoin basically boils down to you. I'm going to send you a JPEG and I'm going to tell you how much that JPEG is worth when someone else is going to say, hey, give me that JPEG and then I'm going to tell you how much that JPEG is right.


It's it's it's all based on like Pursey, I'm actually usually more listening to you talk makes me feel more confident.


Yeah. Right. I actually. Travis, thank you.


I do thank you for tearing me up. I do feel better listening to you try to explain.


That's all it is. It's all perceived desperately clutch at any sort of cognizant thoughts about bitcoin.


I stand by its perceived value because the irony is, as we see these three Goober's sit here and even just say every time we say the word bitcoin, bitcoin becomes a little more valuable.


It's just it increases a little bit because it's like I've heard about Bitcoin. That's something, right?


That is something. That is all it is.


I get your mom into it now. She'll be rich in five days. I heard through the grapevine about the very serious Twitter hack that happened last week where a bunch of different big accounts got got and those big accounts did ask people to send in Bitcoin. And it's bad. It's a terrible it's a terrible invasion of privacy. And given Twitter sort of global political importance, I guess that's like a harrowing thing. But I do just want to dial in that this probably did work on some people.


Some people were successfully bamboozled by this. And I do wonder if Barack Obama's tweet, President Barack Hussein Obama let people forget about these things. Important to me is if he got anybody with I am giving back to my community due to covid-19, all Bitcoin sent to the address below will be sent back doubled. If you send back one thousand dollars, I will send back two thousand dollars. Then there's the Bitcoin link. Then President Barack Hussein Obama said only doing this for the next 30 minutes.


Enjoy the show. I really ask me, why does Barack have all of this Bitcoin saved?


Why does he do that? Why is he doubling it? Why is it just for the why is he doing a supermarket sweep bonus round?


Why did he tell me to enjoy sending him the money so he can double the money?


How why would that be the only exchange? Why not just I'll send you say hey and I'll send you some bitcoin.


Why is the exchange rate necessary at all? I am giving back to my community, my community of people who have and know what Bitcoin is. Enjoy for 30 minutes. I'm your president, Barack Obama and your former president.


And I do want you to send me the bitcoin, but do not sweat because I'm going to send back twice as much as you send me. I know what Bitcoin is. You see these swordfish sunglasses I'm wearing and I want you to enjoy this.


And my cousin Doug has a great investment opportunity that he says is a sure thing. So all I need is your Bitcoin and then I will invest in this slug racing circuit and then I. Oh, shit, we're broke. Damn it.


Fucking Billy Gates tweets it. Fucking Elon Musk tweets it and is like, hey, I have Bitcoin. Come and get it for thirty minutes. Enjoy. Then I think, like, those fucking nerds probably know what's up.


President Barack Obama swooping in and being like, I also have bitcoin. Come get it.


Thirty minutes, baby. I've got thirty minutes worth of bitcoin.


Travis, I'd love to dive more into your knowledge of an understanding of bitcoin. So, Griffin, do you understand Bitcoin mining, it's where they use graphics cards to get the Bitcoin and keep me from being able to find the graphics cards.


Travis, can you tell me how computers make Bitcoins with Bitcoin mining? And Griffin, I want you to judge and I want to I want you to hear Traviss and I want you to hear the real answer.


And then you judge, which is just fucking why, OK, I want everyone to know I could do the thing where I'm like, I don't fucking know.


I'm a cool jock, but I am going to do my best. Pyrolysis, please, for science.


Yes, I'm going to say Bitcoin mining is when there's like some A.I. just searching around the web looking for just it's kind of like the loose change of bitcoin wherever there's like zero point zero zero zero zero zero zero zero one percent of a Bitcoin or whatever that someone has forgotten about or maybe while they were doing a transaction that got rounded down or up or whatever, and that that I just scoops it on up and saves it for this.


Sounds fucking wrong. OK, so here's the right answer. Say, you get it, there's all these really hard math problems, OK, on the Bitcoin network, there's all these really hard math problems and they're so hard that the computer has to both work very hard, but also get lucky to solve it. And the the the chances against them doing it is like one in 13 trillion. So it's very unlikely that they can solve this very hard math problems.


But if they do, they win a prize in a big way.


So Calon so there is a computer good will hunting its way through a website and like standing before the whiteboard and trying to get lucky, which what that even means in terms of computing is both baffling and terrifying to me. And the computer is trying to get lucky.


And if a computer solves a math problem, a very hard yes, just like a very hard math problem.


It gets the computer gets the prize. Yes.


Well, I mean, technically belongs I'm sure. I mean, the computer does not have rights.


Whoa. Oh. All right. All right. But so its owner would own the, you know, the bitcoin. But yes, that is that is how I understand it, is that the computer that computer does it really does a bunch of hard math and eventually gets it right and gets a little prize as a bitcoin, huh?


I think amazingly and this is, of course, completely subjective, but I think my answer made more sense than nothing.


You said Justin's envisions a world that makes me much happier because is there some sort of deranged mathematician trillionaire somewhere that's like I cannot die until these impossible formulae have been discovered?


Who this is now a question for me. Who makes the question?


Bitcoin makes the question, OK, they only really they only release a few. OK, this is not fucked. This is fucking true. They only release a little bit of extra bonus puzzles. You know, once they release the puzzle on the back of their menus, they release the puzzles in what's called a block reward.


And the block reward is half every two hundred and ten thousand blocks around every four years. So in 2009, it was 50. In 2013 it was twenty five. In twenty eighteen, it was twelve point five. And somewhere this year it'll be six point twenty five. Right.


So they only release a few puzzles if you knew they're releasing less puzzles just to get the bitcoin out there.


But who's making up the puzzles, Justin? The computer the computer creates the so the computer creates the puzzle, it can't this is this is probably a computer probably can't solve.


And also the puzzles get harder every two weeks.


They just throw an extra three in there, but another three and it gets harder. OK, if this was an X, but now it's a Z. Fuck you.


You are you are forty four thousand times more likely to win the Powerball jackpot with a single lottery ticket than you are to take the correct hash on a single try, which is the correct way to solve this fucking puzzle. You will not solve this puzzle. Do they have any word searches?


No, it's all jumbled, but it's hard. It's hard.


Once they're like this is like nine letters. So hopefully that helps. Hey, just like your mom. Listen to that. Ten minutes. She's out just just in case our investments in Bitcoin don't pay out. I would like to invite us all for a quick sojourn to to the money.


Real quick before we do ads, folks, this just occurred to me that you might have listened to that whole cryptocurrency section and thought, you know, that sounds like a cry for help from the macro. So I should explain how cryptocurrency works to them.


And you you would be wrong. Oh, wow. What a swing and a miss that interpretation would be.


You could not be further off. But no, actually, I'm perfectly happy where I'm at.


I'll say I'll say this. If you do need those, just dump them in my mentions.


And this is a service I can begin to provide to you that sometimes because I am pumped in on those bad boys in a bit, I do. I send it to me and I will I will send the information out to my brothers. I can be point of first contact.


I'd actually rather use this as a test because if you send it to us, we'll know you skip the app. Yeah. Oh yeah. And that and it makes you an immoral thief. Yeah. Basically. So please do not send it to us. We don't want to know how it works. Please.


You know who else isn't welcome in my mentions is Plack and Tartar buildup and these guys are my worst enemies.


But do you know who my best friends is is quick quips the good electric toothbrush that covers your your all your oral care essentials.


It's got these timed sonic vibrations with thirty second pulses to guide a dentist recommended two minute routine and if you got a little kiddo smaller now smaller teeth got a little reequip and it's spread.


It's the right size for you.


I don't like that that assumption was made Griffin because just real quick baby dot even though she is six months does have the mouth and teeth of a forty year old.


I know that about her. Yeah. And it sucks because it doesn't look very good.


No it doesn't now.


But when she's seventy and she's saying that the quick brush had toothpaste and floss refills are automatically delivered on a dentist recommended schedule every three months for just five dollars each. A friendly reminder when it's time for a refresh and to stay committed to your oral health and shipping is free.


I have been using a quip for a couple of years now and it's really, really nice. Back when I was traveling, the frickin little merrymount turns into a holster for it was real slick. Now it's mostly just a merrymount, but it's a good one. If you go to get clip dotcom slash my brother right now, you can get your first refill for free. That's your first refill. Freha get quip dotcom slash my brother. That's get QIP dot com slash my brother quit the Good Habits company.


Hey, you guys know what I always say? What if you're in a hitch, you got to fix your stench. You've heard me say you've heard me say that, right? I've heard you yell that. Yeah, I yelled I've heard you just heard a scream that I got some sort of primal and I get frustrated. Sure.


You know, those people are wearing shows like they're wearing clothes and shows that aren't their size or style. And like, they paid too much for them and they're like, I don't know where to get other clothes.


And I'm like, if you're in a hitch, you got to fix your stitch because you could just go to stitch fix.


And they're coming in and focuses on, like, getting you the clothes you actually want because they have a personal stylist that will work with you to get you clothes you love and get them to you effortlessly.


It's a completely different way to shop and you like fill out your own profile.


Just got to stitch, my brother, and you'll pick out looks that are personalized for you, colors you like, styles you like, and a budget you like.


You pay a twenty dollars filing fee for each fix which is credited towards anything you keep schedule at any time. There's no subscription required. Plus shipping returns and exchanges are easy and free.


Get started today at Citrix Dotcom, my brother, and you'll get twenty five percent off when you keep everything in your fix. That fixed dotcom slash my brother for twenty five percent off when you keep everything in your fix stitch fix dotcom slash my brother.


When you're in a hedge you got to fix your stach. It's not catching up.


It says it right here in the car. I'm reading it and it's green. It says Do not skip, do not skip Travis.


Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba dum ba la la la la la la la la.


My my my one of my squad. Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba. I want to mind what about me and my first semester in.


It's terrible.


So hey this one comes to us from UK and this is weird because normally the UK does not make it into a lot of, a lot of money squads, but this one is from Hynde's UK and was sent to me by Graham Robock who just all around you see all around her can't be stopped.


Salad cream, ice cream from Heinz launches, Heinz creams, DIY ice cream cakes.


Now it's important for you to know Heinz Creams is with a Z is at the end of Hynde's. So is it the integration?


What sauce for the goose's sauce for the gander. Julys nationalized cream month.


And while strips to ice cream parlors may look a little different this year, Heinz has launched a selection of DIY ice cream kits using a range of HINH sources.


You can make your very own Hynde's creams at home and celebrate National Ice Cream Month from the comfort of your kitchen.


So you go to their fucking website and there's a there's a place right there where the crime is or you get it says click here to do crime. And when you click it, you go to a page that is Hyon screams.


And if, let's say you wanted the Mochrie and I don't, but let's say you did relish the creamy tastes of Heine's good mayonnaise.


Instead, it's actually Hynde's seriously good mayonnaise, but the seriously is in brackets so I took it upon myself to leave it out for comedic effect.


Relish the creamy taste of Hye's. You can't say we're talking about toppings you probably shouldn't use relish. No as a as your. OK, relish the creamy taste of Heine's seriously good mayonnaise in an ice cream. This make your own Hynde's Creams kit includes the equipt. You'll need to make a Hynde's mayonnaise ice cream.


It includes Hynde's good mayonnaise off a branded get fuks a recipe card.


What if you didn't have that. Yeah it's like I don't know you fucking figure it out. Here's the mayonnaise and it's not pretty measured. Let's be honest it seems like portions are way off. It's wildly.


I feel like the person writing this press release had Benjamin Button disease and Jack disease because it's like with each paragraph there's sort of like age seems to be going backwards.


Put good mayonnaise in cream sauce.


It ice cream. Yeah. It also includes a reusable ice cream tub that's profaned.


So you make mayonnaise ice cream in it.


They're like, don't, don't, don't toss that Vicki. I'm going to save that. I want to use it again for anything else.


And lastly, a limited edition engraved golden scoop and spoon.


It doesn't say what's engraved on it, but I'm assuming it's the word perfect.


I can only imagine. So let's go back to this press release here. I will let you know I'm looking at the website. And the bad news is that the Heinz ketchup KRAMES is sold out. You get that anymore. You can get barbecue creams. Ha, you can get saucy sauce creams. These are all challenging.


There's a salty sauce creams and then there's hinh salad creams. What a salad cream. It's a tangy taste.


It's like salad dressing. No, I think I put that together, but like there's lots of different types of salad dressing. Oh, this is salad cream. You get it. It's it's a it would be a good ice cream.


This is the good way to imagine it.


So they've they've listed the says the tangy taste of salad creams makes it one of Britain's most love sauces.


And now it's a Hymes creams that zing we all know and love can be paired with the delicious sweetness of summer strawberries on top of refreshing ice cream, huh?


Heinz Barbecue creams is sweet, sticky and tongue tingling. Delicious oh.


Watering flavor of classic hind's barbecue sauce in a Heine's Creams team with maple syrup, pecans and perhaps a sprinkling of bacon bits in this sweet and smoky ice cream will really pack a punch.


Hey, just real quick, when I put something on my tongue, if the reaction my tongue has is to tingle, that is a body that is poison, that is bad.


You rejected. That is a bad thing to happen. Oh, it's my whole mouth is buzzing. David Shilbury, the senior brand manager at Haine Source, says this summer is looking different for many of us. And while we might be staycation ing or staying at home more than in other years, it doesn't mean you have to miss out on the joys of a good ice cream kind. Sources are here to help.


Hey, David, honestly, you're right about the first part.


This summer is looking different, but fuck you for thinking. The answer is, do you want to make ice cream out mayonnaise?


Does that fix everything up in the air and ice cream out of mayonnaise did we can't hurt. Right? Listen, everything's fucked. Do you want to make ketchup, ice cream in your own house with no one? No one's watching, no one's watching. Anything goes. They think of it this way. Once it's all back to the new normal, you're probably not going to want to make salad cream, ice cream.


You probably won't do that.


You'll be so happy to return to the life you knew.


We give you the ultimate summer mash up hind's cream, a DIY ice cream kit with an added summery squeeze of one of your favorite sauces. So you needn't miss out on one of the sources of sweet treats or six during a summer of social distancing.


David Falkoff, not the ultimate summer mash up, you absolute maniac. It's ketchup mixed with ice cream. Stop it.


We might we know it might seem like a bit of a crazy combo to some, but with hindsight, always at the forefront of innovation, anything is possible. Hey, David, if anything is possible, could I request a vaccine? Could that be on your list? You fucking catch up with?


You think if anything is possible, you think when David turned in the first or after this press release, the press release, somebody said like, do we want to add any qualifiers here where you just said forefront of innovation? Do we want to put like forefront of like dressing innovation?


Yeah. Source innovation, no innovation, no anything.


After all, we are the bleeding edge of all technology, both food and medical.


And we're going to make this summer work for you.


If you this is just like the Bud Light, the Bud Light skinned Robin Roberts thinks if if I call you and I'm like, hey, this has all been really hard for everybody. I'm just checking in to see how you're doing. What are you up to? And you say, I'm making mayonnaise ice cream. I'm going to call the authorities to come check on you because I'm worried that something has gone terribly wrong. I bet it's good, though, it's probably good is the the one where you said the bacon bits that got me a little better, the barbecue ice cream with some bacon bits and pecans.


Yeah. I mean, yeah, I'd be pretty quick.


I mean, listen, if I could order these to America, I probably already would be. I find that, I find the idea like the ketchup and barbecue sauce. I can almost I can almost see my now galima see the way they were and like it's mayonnaise like that's hard.


That gets a little more challenge this time. If it's like mayo creams and just the No.


Azeez on this page, guys, it's quite a tough there's a there is a lot of Zeze in this, in this I bet a thousand island ice cream.


Forty five these saying, hey can I do another Yahoo!


Yeah. Yeah course. Um jeez I got a two here. I'm debating which one's the best. I mean, I don't know that this one is the most sort of gut busting funny, but it is a conversation that I'm curious about. I feel like Justin is going to have a lot to say in by several people. Again, it's by Yahoo! Answers user Misti, who asks, what is the best place to work in at the mall, huh?


Well, the answer, I think, is obvious, but I just want to fucking talk about this, I just kind of want to jokes out. Yeah. Can we just send jokes out of the room?


Well, we talked about that for about seventy five minutes earlier in the episode, so I think there's a precedent established. OK, you know what? Let's just say I say jokes.


Fuck off. Yeah, fuck off.


We're going to settle this. I have worked a couple of small jobs.


Do you call your phone jokes? No, I don't call my jokes, that's a very good idea, though, if I could program it to be like, hey. Stop it. I I've worked several small jobs, and I think right now don't need your bona fide even if I was going to pick a small job, I think it would be like a cell phone case kiosk.


Well, what? Yeah, it feels low impact. Like, I don't think you're dealing with customers left and right. It's a very narrow window of information you have to be briefed on. You get to sit down for a lot of it, very little oversight over what you do most of the time. When I see people working there, they're like on their phones or in some cases even like you playing game Travis, you just hit the you've just hit the biggest issue with it.


When I see people working there, if you put yourself in the cell phone kiosk, what you've basically done is put yourself into a human zoo. Yeah, you are an exhibit at the mall museum. Constant, constant scrutiny. Everyone looking at you, what are they looking on the phone? What are they up to?


And it's that thing of like that geggie thing that people do or it's like, I can't believe they're on their phone with they were just on their phone like 15 seconds ago and they just don't happen to be on their phone right at that exact second. There is incredible level of scrutiny. It'd be a terrible job.


You've picked arguably one of the one of the most stressful jobs.


I mean, I disagree only because I stand by the little oversight thing like that for me in any job I've ever had is a boss who is looking to make them sell, especially in a retail environment, looking to make themselves feel essential. And so they are just looking for things to point out so that they feel like their job.


If you're at the cell phone kiosk or the Hillshire Farms kiosk or any kiosk, your boss is going to be able to fucking clock you from 100 yards away. They can monitor your progress without you.


If there are no corners, it's not the telltale.


Like who the what what kiosk boss is like checking if you own a kiosk. I think you didn't buy it because you are ready to be super hands on Travis.


They're the face of super sterling silver.


Of course, I'm going to check on that. They are the front line of customer interaction.


And I'm I'm in charge of making sure that our customers always walk away with silver. And a smile is a key, whatever engraved gift.


That's the at the Kenwood Town Center here in Cincinnati, where the product that they sell is glass cubes, where the center of them has been laser etched with some kind of photograph of perhaps a beloved pet or a child or a mall that you want to remember.


And I see that every time I go to the Kenwood Mall, and I think that's a front for something, there's no way that they sell enough and save you.


Sue, what are you doing today? Going to the mall. Cool. Can I come along? Sure. I guess if you want to watch me stand around and look at cubes for an hour while I pick out the grandma cube, I'm trying to I'm trying to pick the perfect Grandma Tesseract.


I'm trying to I'm liking my grandma in this color. She's wrong to Krypton and.


Oh, yeah, yeah. I haven't seen my mom since Obama did The Phantom.


So all that that's my mom's war across twenty nine. Ninety nine at the Kenwood Mall, believe it or not.


OK, so that's incorrect. Griffin, I mean, here's what's here's here's what's making this tough for me.


I feel like like an anti AT&T is thrilling, you see in AT&T and then you probably do I assume you get to eat some Antiguans at some point or at least you get like a dope discount.


But at what point I love the smell of an Antiguans down the wafting down an airport terminal or something like that. Sure.


But that smell, I imagine after I'm going to be really generous and say like three weeks is going to be like a complete nightmare.


Any any any restaurant, any food service you are going to run into. That definitely happen at the Oggi. I love the breadsticks. I love the chicken scampi.


I love so many of their offerings. Could not stand it after, you know, and not only while you're there.


The problem is, especially with something like that pretzel smell, it permeates eventually gets in you.


That's right.


It's going to get in your clothes, which will then get in your car, which a little bit like you take you change.


You have your uniform at home and like your home will smell faintly of pretzels. It will haunt you.


My friend Tommy Red used to work as always. And if he stored his uniform in the cab of his truck when he would give me a ride to school, I would insist on riding in the truck bed.


So, so vibrant was always uniform. This this bizzaro anti air freshener.


It's going to make you hate. If you work in food you love, you're going to hate it a few weeks in.


If you work at a place you hate, you're going to hate it more. So food service is incorrect. I want to give you my hot take and you got you all can.


You've had approximately four hundred jobs, so I'll I will defer to you. This is not one I've had, but it is, I'm pretty sure of what the. Best job would be, and that is the vape shop atoll. So vape shot is fucking cool because you just sit around and vape and if you're and your boss opens the door and they're like, what are you doing? Just sitting around and vaping? You be like, yeah, I am.


I'm both advertising our product and becoming more knowledgeable about it. And I'm sitting here cranking the major fucking God. Yeah.


And spooking the the the guy over at Macy's. I think that the vape shop would be a very chill place to work morally. I don't know the science.


Yes. When you're in love. But that's it.


Just that's the perfect fix is when your loved ones are like the science is out. But what science we have, you know, it's I'm worried about you.


You can be like, hey. It's her work. They actually made it a rule at the shop at the Huntington Mall.


At first they were allowed to crank cotton 24/7 and then they made a rule that you couldn't crank cotton at all.


And to watch the the discrepancy in employee satisfaction was so palpable, it could be felt that the American cookie factory, it was so, so distinctly this go from like, wow, this is a fucking very good job to I've got to get the fuck out of here and told my addiction to aerosolize nicotine boy between the bitcoin and vape chat.


This episode has it has a particular sort of flavor to it.


Once again, you can take this on Griffin MacAvoy. Yeah.


Hit me up with all those. Hey, and while you're doing that, as long as you're on the Internet, consider going to maximum find out or join consider becoming a member of the network at whatever level you are able that you feel comfortable with.


If you want to support us and the shows we make and the maximum fine network as a whole. We have been doing this for over ten years now and we are only, you know, able to do it as our jobs and have able to make it a bigger part of our lives because of the max fun drive.


It is a a truly very important thing to us. So please consider maximum fun again. Join look at the different levels, look at the different pledge gifts and yeah.


Think about it. And thank you.


Bad news. Oh. It's me I snuck in this time. OK, are you ready, big shot lesson. Bad news year one year one membership. Oh, no. Yeah, just one more person. You know what? I'll give you another day. If just one person logs on the maximum vanguard forward, slash, join and joins the family as it or I'll save for a little show, I can't promise Malony can't promise Saturna didn't do good enough for that.


But one person, one, let's see, is pretty low.


Wow, are you that person, me? That's right, listener, listener, I can see it.


I guess it's a real daughter. You're slipping away. Hugo Weaving, Mr. Big little bit. I love black hat stuff that I have my nephew hooked up for me and I could see and I could see.


You're not going to that web, the web you're that I told you about.


So I need you to head on over there and join the family and save these boys.


And they're all in the cigar orphans.


Yes. And thank you to John Rodrik in the long winters for these for a theme song. It's a departure off the album, Putting the days to bed and and thank and thank you. Thank you so much for listening, giving you a final Yahoo! I mean, this one is standing by and I can't thank you, Emma. It's Yahoo!


Answers user Josh, who does ask what cremation even work on water Pokemon.


Wha wha what is just about Travis, my boy? I'm Griffin McElroy. It's been my brother. My brother may kiss your dad square on the lips. Maximum fun dog comedy and culture, artist owned, audience supported.