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[00:00:00]

The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only, so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up? You call? Hello, welcome to my brother, my brother and me and my show for the modern era, I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

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Oh, sorry, Griffin, I need it. Griffin, I need you to go first.

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You should have frickin told me that man coming with my friggin coming on my pants down.

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OK, let me see if I can even remember what to say because I need you as like that to be my prompter.

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Let me see. OK, well how about this. I'm your middle brother, Travis McCoy. And I'm Griffin Mack, Roy the Young and all. I'm Drew Griffin.

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Oh hi. I didn't see you come in there. Sweep, sweep, sweep, sweep.

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I was just cleaning up after another maximum fun drive, sweep, sweep, sweep, trying to put all of our wonderful characters and costumes and greasepaint back in the trunk for another year.

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Sweep, sweep, sweep. My mom.

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Hey, it's what's old Bill and he cleans up after us. And when we do the Mac's fun drive and it all, Bill, I got to say, we made a huge dirty mess this time.

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But yeah, there's a lot of unused dildo jokes around here. Oh, that's my fault.

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I've been stockpiling them thinking I'd get on a great run about dildos and never came.

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I actually that is part of my I bought a bunch of dildo jokes from Extreme Restraints Dotcom several years back and I haven't had a chance to to burn through them.

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We don't burn your dildos. That is bad for the environment. See, that's just one of the jokes you guys could have used this year. You didn't. You're leaving a lot on the table for this next fun drive.

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It looks like that extreme restraints won't do a refund on these dildo jokes, but they will do store credit. If we did want to do a bunch of lube jokes, something to keep in great demand for live jokes.

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Will they will they a.. Will they exchange one dollar joke and give us a sample of the lube jokes? Yeah. So you can get kind of an idea what we're talking about. Yeah.

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It just says here comes here it comes slipperier. Careful around this, but. Careful around this, but it's slippery when wet around Travis back, Anderson just says, Lubin, I barely know him, so that's good. That could be cool. Yeah, I, I, I have a huge contraption with various gears and cranks and turning things. It's a very complicated and it's just for slamming my butt. It's called a lube Goldberg machine.

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Oh that's nice. And that's great. OK, yeah. There's this deal's going through baby.

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Hey just this is oh Bill. Still want me to stick around and we're doing like a different intro thing now old Bill, because I was cleaning up after because this is the last week of the maximum fun drive.

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Sweet, sweet, sweet. And this is people's last chance to become a member here at maximum fun HQ suites, you see.

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But just keep the lights on.

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Keep old Bill in in. You know, I do a lot of collectibles.

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I have a lot of porcelain figures that I can't afford without your Maxford membership.

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Sweep, sweep, sweep, mop.

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Yeah. And that is Bill Maher, which is weird. That's so weird that we did that. Bill Maher is the one who cleans up after. I don't do it for the money.

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I do it for the love, the love of the do it kind of for the money bill for the porcelain figures. But I don't live off of porcelain figures.

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I mean, who would have been funnier there if I said Bill de Blasio, Bill de Blasio, beling fall?

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Should I give them, like, the Bill Nighy?

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But that wouldn't explain the wouldn't explain accent. No, I'm Bill Nye.

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Bill Nye, the Kliman Guy, do you think Bill Nye people get him confused for Bill Nye saying his name in a cool way, like Here comes Bill Nighy.

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So did you guys want me to stick around and no, I don't want you to be in here in the first place.

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Bill Maher, I think your shit's reprehensible, my dear friend Bill Maher.

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Okay. I'm the one who loves Kleeman. So this is the final episode of the tax fun drive.

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Fortunately, we've probably gotten all the money from you that we're going to get because you're certainly not going to reward us after this. I would say bad introduction.

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I would also tell you this is my two weeks notice. So this is Old Bill's final episode. Do you guys want to clean up your own dildo jokes? After this? You won't have Auvil to push around anymore. Sleep, sleep, sleep.

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I, I have a brief story to tell you. OK, is it about me?

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Bill Nighy was a regular in our restaurant called Fiorella is on the Upper West Side back in 2015. Well, he was performing skylight on Broadway. He went in one night and the staff said, Hey Mr. Niyi, the other Bill Nighy is in the back of the restaurant. I said, Oh my God, the Paramount Pictures taken. So were they friends or foes? There was no conflict. We were respectful of one another, he said.

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I was slightly sniffy because my name is rare, but he doesn't know that he was very gracious and we had a laugh and he had this conversation with people, same as I had.

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So it was quite funny to finally be united. OK, this story is great, but the person I want to celebrate is the person who work at the restaurant.

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It was like, oh my fuck, oh my God, it happened. It's happening and I'm going to fucking do it.

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That's the weird thing is like I'm going to go to Bill Nighy. I'm going to go to fucking what's his name? Davy Jones.

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I'm going to go right up to Davy Jones and tell him that beloveds, this is Bill Nighy is in this restaurant there. He's going to love this shit at the moment.

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I want love to be in the brain of that and play for is when Bill Nighy walked in and knowing Bill Nye, he was a regular that like the the air of possibility. He was a there's crackled. Yes. I'm just like it's happening. It's all just like the fortune teller said.

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Anyway, this is the final episode. Nice fun drive, please. If you have not joined the network, if you do enjoy our show and the other stuff that we make and you want to support us in a very, very direct and meaningful way, you can go to maximum fun dog, join and sign up to become a member, find the monthly membership level that works for you. We know it is a strange time and an extremely bad time, but we are so strange, almost seem to cover it.

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Strange doesn't cover it at all.

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But we we do need your support and your support has allowed us to grow over the last ten years and turn this into our jobs and allow us to do all kinds of really fantastic stuff.

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And so, yeah, go, go check out the different levels. We will talk about them later on in the show. But once again, it's maximum fungus joint and this is the last week of the drive. So if you if you have been thinking about doing it, don't wait.

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Let's get into questions. Let's like help. Yeah. For a change. Finally. Sure. Finally, let's help someone. Let me just open the question. Yeah. Somebody try. I don't know if he sent them.

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I might not have. OK, well I mean, I'm looking at them. The wheels have fallen off here.

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Let's go ahead and get those over on my desk pronto. I mean, I'm. I've got them. Yeah, you've got them. But does that help me?

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Oh, you know, I guess I never really thought about it like that. Jamie on. Let's have it. But come on. I just sent it. You couldn't even put a subject in. Wow.

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Now I was rushing you said Torcy. You can't see top speed and then get mad at me for not wanting to do your jokes. And these are the questions I love. Try this.

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What if I need to find the Ferrey archives later? I come to you today. I need the advice that was unnecessary. I sent applications to many a college.

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Many have sent back swag and stuff. They like to call it travesty.

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What swag stands for sweet. Weli. Agreed stuff we all get. Oh, yeah, as they like to call it, most of it is garbage. But one college sent me the most exquisite shirt.

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It probably proclaims I'm a member of the class of 2020, for which I'm not. I've worn the shirt many a time at home as it is extremely comfortable. I wore in public once where someone yelled from a six feet distance, Yo mascotry it. They didn't say Mascotte. Leastways, I had to pretend I didn't hear him.

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What do I do if this happens again? That's for misrepresented alma mater in Maine I.

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I had a shirt from Shepherd University, which I did a tour of when I was weighing my options that I only recently got rid of. I did wear a lot and did have a couple of times for people was like, oh fuck yeah.

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Shepherd, I went there. What, what, what was your major? My major was going to Marshall University. If I'm a very fine institution and I'm sorry that I wore that shirt, but it makes me it makes my eyes pop, you know, but there's another four.

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I got a version of this where I did go to the University of Oklahoma and I would wear an O u sweatshirt and someone would say Boomer sooner and then attempt to ask me about what I thought of current football team.

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And I'm like, oh, no, that's that's when you play a part of I didn't go to you.

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I just like this shirt. But I did. My thing is having people yell Boomer Sener at me. Yeah. Like that. That's the only way I can feel alive. Mm hmm.

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Um, I mean, you got to know that this is a risk when you wear free shirt like there's no such thing as a free shirt.

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I forget you said that Abraham Lincoln was Abe Lincoln and that's why he was the what we call the topless president. Yeah, always. Even when someone tried to buy him a shirt or tried to sell them a shirt, he said nice.

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He said, nice fucking try. He said, you gotta wake up a little bit earlier than that to get ol Abe Lincoln. And then unfortunately, someone did wake up quite early.

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I don't think you should wear the shirt anymore if you're not ready to if you don't have, like, an arrow in this quiver, you know what I mean?

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Especially since it says class of twenty, twenty four. So it is not just like it doesn't just say like Marshall University says Marshall University class of twenty twenty four. Your shirt is a lie. It's a lot.

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It is weird. It's a weird cold shot for this school. Right.

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Like well I'm not going to come there but we gave you the shirt, maybe shirt said you do come here. Your shirt said you're coming.

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I mean, listen, it says right here tonight because it sure seems like this college is so confident in this shirt that they're like once we send him the shirt, we got him.

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This is like when McDonald's sent me a shirt and said I ate one hundred Big Macs today. And then I was like, oh, jeez. I mean, I do want to wear the shirt, but oh shit. Now it's like a prophecy now and now. It's now we're we're his final destination. There's no escaping this. I'm read one big, big, big Big Macs today.

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Yeah. Maybe you should just go to the college. Do you think about that?

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I can go and expand your horizons, take some classes, learn a new language. They probably.

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I'm not sure it's. Oh, yeah. Experiment with yourself, with your body, with your body, with other people's bodies, with consent, with kids. Do not experiment on people without consent by biohacking. Your body give you some. Yeah.

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Biohacking, your body. See if you can make your body fucking flash drive somewhere in there.

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Give yourself like a an antenna. Oh yeah.

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That's what those signals for is to put in antennas.

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Anyway, this show I can't even zone out for thirty seconds and then snap back in and have any idea what the fuck you guys are talking about. You know what I mean.

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I feel like I should be able to check out every once in a while and check back in and be like, oh, I get the bit I know we're doing here, but like antennas and stuff like walking.

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Well, just this one time my friend Bob told me that people were inventing this biohacking thing where I could inject myself with some sort of genome that made it so my muscles were engaged all the time and would give me super strength.

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Now, to Bob's credit, I don't know how much of that is what he actually said or how much of that is what I just heard. Hold on.

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But ever since the whole thing. Isn't it memory. Yes. So ever since I heard that, I've just thought about like, hey, can we hurry up and perfect that because that sounds really cool.

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So you're telling me like you go to the optometrist and they're like, oh yeah, trava it looks like your eyes. They do need a slightly stronger prescription. It looks like your cones have deteriorated.

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But what you're hearing is like, yeah, we're going to give you super cool laser glasses that can turn your eyes into X-ray eyes and you're going to love it.

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I am always disappointed when I get the eye tests. I mean, do the things I like. But I like this, but I like that.

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And I wanted to just keep getting better, like wear glasses, technology. Right. Like, if you know how to fix my eyes to normal, just keep going.

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That's good, that's good, that's that's that that's that Seinfeld show. Here's a Yahoo! Though that's not a joke. I'm angry about this.

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I know, I know. Graham Roebuck sent this one on. Thanks, Graham. It's from an anonymous Yahoo! Answers user who I'm going to call. Lucious asks, I dropped my library book in the toilet and I need to return by tomorrow.

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Yeah.

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After pulling it out of the toilet, most of the pages were wet. Can I still take the book back? If not, how can I dry it without damaging it even more? I don't know that there is a level of dry ness that is ever going to make it not a toilet. Look like you can. You can you can desaturate the book, but you can on the toilet. It ate the book. It will always be a toilet book for every now.

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And here's the thing, folks, before you all jump to email is dear Justin, Travis and Griffin, maybe it was a clean toilet one no such thing to you.

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Are you saying that this question asker was just standing over the toilet, not using it, just like that's where they had stopped randomly to read their book over a toilet?

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I'm so glad Travis finally brought this up, because every episode we get these clean toilet people like coming after us because we talk about like, oh, no, you dropped your phone in the toilet. It's done every fucking episode.

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So we get 50 emails like, oh, toilets can be clean if you clean them. And people listen at the toilet factory where they make the toilets, somebody finishes screwing on the toilet seat and gives it one final spit shine. And they look at it and they go, oh, gross.

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Right.

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It's a toilet where people do the work.

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The worst stuff we can do with our bodies, we do to these to these chairs.

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There is no cleaning and raise the toilets in captivity. The elders tell them there is no better life for you, child.

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You must accept. Now you are a documentary.

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They don't aspire to anything better than that.

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This is what they assume they're made for and that that is an unshakable like you can't if you drop a book, if you drop a book in a toilet that's just come off the come out of the store, it still has been raised to know. Yeah.

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That it accepts only excrement and people now. Now, there should be a fancy word for people I know. Right. Well, here's the good news is this, that a book was already written that lets you know what temperature books burn.

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So if you pop that book in the oven at four fifty, that's going to dry that out for fifty is going to get it done fast.

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You may even want it out at the precise year of it is. Calibration is important, but you may even want to tell you a secret.

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No, no, no. If you're talking about how fast you do it for everybody. But Justin is right.

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You are going to want an accurate temperature in there because I'm trying to be plus or minus five degrees.

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Yeah, but I can call Ray Bradbury and be like, I have a complaint to register.

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Oh, he's not. He's Pat, do you think. Oh, Ray Bradbury was like doing like some really in-depth testing with that where he was like OK for fifty.

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No, for fifty two.

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Definitely. Let me see this copy. Yes. So here's the good news. You can look inside of the library book for that little card that I'm guessing is still in there.

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That shows you how many times it's been checked out.

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Yeah.

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Let's say if your name is the third one on there, if you are at least the third person to have been loaned this book, it's been in a toilet at some point, at some in the toilet or around the toilet.

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I mean, I'm not so much of a prude that I think if it's in a bathroom somewhere, that it's it has been permanently befouled, as it would if it had actually entered the commode like perimeter.

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But if if you if you're the third person to get this book, odds are one of the first two people did drop it in the in the loo.

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Now, one time I did leave a paperback copy of nineteen eighty four in the rain. Yeah. And it did dry but when it dried it was all wrinkly and crinkly, which I don't understand the chemical reaction that happened there, but it was pretty obvious that something dynamic had happened to this term.

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So I don't know that you could even if you dried it thoroughly, rolled back up and back to finish those real page turner.

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Here you go. Yeah, that's a good point.

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There is no, sir, I don't know what kind of book conditioner you need to rub all over these pages in order to. I would like you to trust me with another book, Nopalitos.

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It's weird how even if a book dries out after you get it wet, it still looks wild. Yeah, isn't that where it's the books I oh finally I can kind of stretch.

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Thank you so much. This is the real me. How about another question, oh, Griff, I'd love that, but what I love even more is if it had just happened organically because I think we all felt the moment and I was about to just launch into it. So it just kind of OK. Just to know, how about another question?

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I recently got a new water bottle that's big enough to hold the recommended daily intake.

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That's not possible.

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You don't think you can have a 64 ounce water bottle?

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Nobody should be drinking 60. I scoff at 64. I have seen prices before. Breakfast.

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Wait, I'm putting away. I'm confused. I'm putting away one twenty on the daily.

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That's OK. That's a lot.

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You know, if you look at that 64 ounces recommendation, that doesn't take into account height, weight activity, none of that stuff. And it's also antiquated. We need to be pounding water 24 hours a day. Not so much that you lawyers, sorry, but what about when I'm asleep? Sorry, lawyers, not so much that you die and just isn't going to say.

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Not just it's not going to say don't be. So you keep all that good water inside your body anymore because he used to say stuff like that. And we take you to a little spot of legal trouble.

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Yeah. You just ate anyway. It's not it's not possible. I, I have a 20 ounce water bottle that I drink six to eight times every day.

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You need more water anyway, and you're big strong boy. I'm a huge man, but I recently got a new water bottle.

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It's big enough to hold the recommended daily intake, which we've established as a fabrication.

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But moving on, I've been filling it up with my works water cooler with no issue.

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But as I was filling it up today, two people got in line behind me. One of my coworkers started talking about how we only have a limited number of water jugs for everyone to use hashad.

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I just take one of the huge gallons back to my desk and joked if I was going to replace the bottle when I was done. What's the etiquette here? Should I fill my bottle up at home instead? Just step out of line if other people behind me, I just want to stay hydrated.

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That's from professionally part of your co-workers fucking asshole. Yeah, I think a good tactic here is to sort of hoist up your leg and lift open the bottom of one of the pant legs and tell them to have the parts right out of there if that's the fucking energy and attitude they're going to bring to your doorstep.

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Your job has so few bennies, right?

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Like you get like maybe if you're lucky, insurance, maybe like a parking space.

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Right. Maybe even a company car. But water is a basic human building block city.

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These co-workers, you're complaining are like, yeah, I mean, we've all signed on to work until our bodies die and will be kept sort of the poverty line the whole time.

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But too much of a hurry. Walwa over there, don't you think, JEFFY? No.

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OK, I want to I want to I want to leap to the coworkers defense here.

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So I don't know why I'm doing this. But if this person does have and we have to assume a sixty four ounce bottle of water because I feel like anything larger than that is would be wild. I mean, I've maybe see Big Gulps that are are bigger but very rare. This is a lot I mean, this is a tancred OK.

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This is a big, big ol big old jug. If you just want to get up and enjoy a cup of water and someone is like taking five minutes to fill their tancred. Yeah, I think that you're into like grocery rolls. Right. I have one thing you have, you know, fifty things all go ahead, you know. Oh you only have one thing, you go right ahead because I don't hold you up with my 100 days and I buy.

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I feel like if you're going to fill up a huge jug of water and there's somebody behind you that just has one of those delicate little cones for no one, then you should let them have their delicate cone of water like there are fucking hummingbirds that knows shit about hydration.

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Right. What I like to call the memory of a drink where it's just imagine if one of those paper cones probably holds six ounces of water.

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Right? If that if that. Right. So your daily amount of hydration is ten.

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Oh, sorry. I'm reading that. Four ounces. OK, yes. So that's basically not applicable.

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I have to get a calculator out now to figure out sixteen. Let's say we're working off sixty four. It's four ounces.

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That's sixteen cups of water. Imagine if you were standing behind someone and they filled that cup up and pounded it 16 times in front of that. Be amazing.

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I'd watch it and be amazed. Yeah. How about the next time that asshole co-worker is out there? Because here's the thing, Justin. You're not wrong about the grocery rules. I do agree with you on that. If they had said, may I fill my car up real quick?

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That's not what I said, though, is no. So here's what you do.

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Next time you see them getting up, you beelined over there and get in front of them and you have taken an empty water jug jug and you're just going to transfer all the water left in the jug into your giant jug and then take your empty water jug back to your desk, leaving an empty water jug on the top.

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Oh, and then the juice is that's going to come at a premium. You've moved all the full jugs to your desk where you sit atop them and an HCO throne.

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And what will you do after you're fired that day? Well, I mean, they can't fire you at that point. You're fucking a moron, Joe. You are the keeper of the water. The water flows when you say it does. I drink your bottled water.

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Just do my job. You're going to don't have time to work your hoarding water, right? It's fucking the fucking gall. Are you going to a place that the fucking gall of it where no one wants to be here each quarter, can you not just fucking chill, go to the sink.

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The sink water's fucking fine. You've added a ten minute excuse not to work. You're welcome.

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We should be in the boss's office fucking tearing them limb from limb for what they were doing for us. And then we are going to take this building hostage and dismantle the entire fucking economy brick by brick and nail by nail. But you're in here like too much water, Juggy. Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, that this is something that the ruling class has invented to keep the peasants.

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It's not even counting deck chairs on the Titanic. It's like someone coughed in the Titanic while it was sinking. And another person was like, can you cover your mouth?

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How rude.

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It's like somebody like somebody's fucking dropkicks you off of a lifeboat on the Titanic so all the riches can get on it and you accidentally bump into another poor on the way. And they're like, what's your fucking problem, man?

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You think that there had to be? I kind of bet what you're describing with the coughing did happen at least one time on that right there. Oh, yeah. That would be so choise.

[00:26:33]

Could you tell me a little bit about Max Van Drive? All right.

[00:26:36]

Let's say that I love supporting the things that I love and I'm already at maximum fun dog food joint. I'm ready to pledge some money to help keep these wonderful shows going, but I'm doing as good as in my heart.

[00:26:48]

But guess what? I'm going to get some gifts in return. If I pledge five dollars a month, I'm going to get over 200 hours of bonus content. Our amount of stuff there is wild. There's commentary tracks for our TV show.

[00:27:05]

We've had episodes where our our wives do the show for us, out of which was one of my faves because it didn't require any work and they're better at it than we are.

[00:27:17]

And they much better, better, better at it than we are. Their advice is actually like worth taking, which is a big departure for us, if you can pledge ten dollars.

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There's many other shows, I mean many dozens of other programs to enjoy.

[00:27:32]

If you can pledge ten dollars a month, you can get all the Boco as I hate to sing, but you're also going to get one of 40 different enamel pins from your favorite Max fun show.

[00:27:45]

There's other gifts, 20 bucks a month.

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There's a game pack with like Max von Dice and cards.

[00:27:50]

But really what you're doing is you're pledging money to help keep the shows you love coming out of every pledge. A small portion of it goes to Max Fund and then the rest is divided amongst the shows that you say you listen to when you sign up. So it's a way of directly supporting these shows that money goes to.

[00:28:09]

Well, for starters, it helps us like pay our bills and feed our kids and buy clothes on their backs, which is so cool of you, but also like buy audio equipment and hosting and, you know, everything else.

[00:28:21]

So we're very, very, very much appreciate your support is the only way we are. I mean, literally, this is not a line. It is the only reason we are able to do what we do, especially currently with the world, as shitty as it is, like we can't go to or do any sort of live stuff or anything like that.

[00:28:42]

So, you know, we really are depending on you. So please, please, please, please, please, please, please. Maximum fun or forget join. This is the the last time you're going to hear about it on our show. Except for me. A brief reminder at the end, if you've been waiting till the last moment, this is practically please maximum pfennig forward join if you're any member. We really appreciate you. You're the best.

[00:29:08]

Thank you so, so, so much. And please, if you can find it in your heart, an honorary member, please go ahead and join us.

[00:29:15]

And we should just say, I mean, we're pitching this right. This is the next fun time of year. But if you're not able to, we also understand that, man, it's uncertain out there. We were just talking about like we haven't been able to tour. We have been able to do stuff. We get it. It's tough out there for everybody. And if you're not able to, you can do things like share that maximum fungus, join link, you can use the hashtag Maxford drives, you can share clips with people.

[00:29:40]

You can read, tweet, tweet throughout the show, anything like that. All that support matters to us, too. We also have a thing that's here called boosting. In the past, we have talked a lot about like upgrading your membership and maybe you're not ready to move up to a new level this year, but you still want to give a little bit more to support the shows you love.

[00:29:59]

You can do that by boosting, which allows you to incrementally increase your membership without having to move up to the next level. It won't qualify you for the rewards of even the bonus content because every member gets that.

[00:30:12]

But it's a way to support a little bit more if you're looking to do that.

[00:30:16]

How about another Yahoo! Answers? Yahoo! The website does mean they do email and they do answers.

[00:30:25]

Those are there are two services they provide. This is one of the latter. It was sent in by erm I can't thank you. I'm sorry.

[00:30:31]

I answer to James who asks how do I get the most out of my time at the Olive Garden.

[00:30:38]

He talks a lot about sort of like maximizing. Exploiting the Olive Garden economy is a constant source of conversation on this show we've talked about like minimum age requirements for even entering the Olive Garden facility, which is important.

[00:30:56]

We square that away.

[00:30:57]

This is more listen, it's tough to get out to restaurants right now, wouldn't it? And by tough, I mean morally indefensible, but also tough. So when you're there, we know your family, but how can you really make each fucking moment, no matter what's what's great about that question?

[00:31:20]

And I'm so glad you brought it to the table is like it it is subjective and such a poignant way. Right. Because one could argue pasta and bread are very filling. Right. So you can't just say eat some pasta and breadsticks. Right. Because then you're going to get full very quickly. But also counterpoint. You can't say just like eat some like lettuce and cherry tomatoes and get them most lettuce and cherry tomatoes you can because are you really getting the most out of your experience?

[00:31:48]

Yeah. So wait now. This is interesting. Instead of coming to a compromise between those two ideas, we should measure which one is the best. But just to say the two extremes are you enter the Olive Garden and never eat and never leave, they won't kick you out. It's fucking Olive Garden. Yeah, you can just kind of your family, your family, they can't they can't kick you out. You're their dad now and you can just kind of chill and never eat and be there forever.

[00:32:15]

And there you are making the most out of your time because you've given yourself infinite time. Right. The alternative to that is you walked into the Olive Garden and they shoot you in the face with spaghetti gun.

[00:32:26]

And then you get what you get.

[00:32:28]

You slam what you can slam and you turn and you you aren't you turn on your heels and walk right out the door.

[00:32:35]

You have just like asking about life. Griffo, when you think about it, it's interesting you say that.

[00:32:40]

Yeah. Should you live a timid life but be in the Olive Garden for as long as you can.

[00:32:46]

Right. Or lead an adventurous, aggressive life. Yeah.

[00:32:51]

But only have a limited time in the Olive Garden.

[00:32:54]

OK, you guys are fucking wasting time. When you first show up, you're going to be waiting for a table. Tell them while you're waiting you can get half off wine. OK, so that's one thing that you need to know right now, OK? And I know that from my time as an employee, that's huge. That's going to be maximizing your budget and also your time.

[00:33:13]

Thanks for you. Even do that, though, as be saying the word, be shouting the word spaghetti as you walk in the door, as you are in the vestibule, in the like in the airlock from the front door to the door in B.S. Spock, like ready to get it going.

[00:33:32]

May I take it one step further, please? As you're driving there and request that a server meet you outside with the basket of breadsticks so you can be eating the breadsticks as you walk into the building.

[00:33:45]

Good. Have them hang breadsticks from straying from the ceiling that you can nibble on as you sprint at full speed to the table.

[00:33:55]

They've prepared for you.

[00:33:56]

Maybe you open your car door to drive to the Olive Garden. What's that on your driver's seat?

[00:34:01]

Basket of breadsticks. Hey.

[00:34:03]

Hey, guys. I have stumbled on an article called Olive Garden has twenty four secrets straight from your server. Yes, because I wanted to I wanted to make sure that that half off line thing was legit.

[00:34:15]

I I'm not I'm worried from the journey I'm about to take you guys on.

[00:34:19]

I'm worried we're not going to have time to do the rest of the podcast.

[00:34:21]

But I'm just going to we're just going to I'm not we do have some money zone, so we go into the money zone. There's twenty four secrets here. We got to cancel the ads. Yeah. We may not have time for the ads.

[00:34:33]

OK, there are some that are less wild.

[00:34:35]

Right. Split your meal with your partner in order to use two coupons at once.

[00:34:39]

OK, that's a little annoying but sure the. Now, here's the first one, never pay full price for your kids to eat at Olive Garden. They every about once every two months, two to three months. Olive Garden runs week long promotions where kids can eat for only one dollar unless you just got to have those breadsticks. Now, I recommend waiting for these promotion, huh?

[00:35:01]

Can you imagine steering your kids straight in the fucking face would be like they're like Mommy can go to Olive Garden.

[00:35:06]

Well, when you cost a dollar, we can't.

[00:35:08]

Absolutely not. We're just going to keep aspiring to it.

[00:35:11]

Don't buy the wine. Bring your own cheaper bottle instead white and you bring your own wine. Olive Garden. They're going to charge you a seven dollar corkage fee.

[00:35:22]

That's insane. OK, that's unbelievable. Then that structure is in place for that to work.

[00:35:30]

Then that means that whatever bottle of wine you bring has to be at least seven dollars and one cent cheaper than what you were like. You can't you will know. OK, now, almost certainly. Yes. The markup there has to be you probably will be saving just the idea of being an Olive Garden and you reach into your giant cargo short pants and pull out from the cargo shorts, the pocket, a bottle of wine and say I'll be paying a cork free of this wine I brought.

[00:36:02]

Get this, you could sample up to three wines for free. The sample pore is three ounces. That can't be right. That's the good stuff like that.

[00:36:12]

Can't be right. This is number 12 on this list. Employees get 50 percent off meals after their shift. This is one of the highest employee discounts I've seen considering a career in the restaurant industry. And you love pasta. You're all set.

[00:36:24]

That's not a that's not so much a hack, really. That's not it's a pivot of your life.

[00:36:31]

Hey, Tommy, you want to go to either Olive Garden tonight? Give me a second to fill out this employment form online. Let me call my boss at the hospital to tell him I'm quitting paying.

[00:36:41]

Doctor, this person must have sold the article as twenty four tips and then started to get really desperate because number sixteen is ask your server to box up half your meal when they serve it to you.

[00:36:54]

Voila to meal.

[00:36:56]

Let no not at all in any way, shape or form is that I was at an Olive Garden hack and not just sort of like yeah I was great.

[00:37:09]

Hey when you bring me the meal box up half of it before you bring it to the table, someone's been doing their research.

[00:37:17]

Yeah. You heard that you can get two meals for the price of one.

[00:37:21]

That one. Daddy, I'm doing my math homework.

[00:37:23]

What's sixteen divided by two.

[00:37:25]

Oh, you mean like at Olive Garden or. OK, this is good. Is order half and half soup if you can't decide which soup you want. Oh Olive Garden has four different kinds of soup you guys know.

[00:37:38]

Same with me. Minestrone chicken soup and pasta.

[00:37:41]

If I really how how do you decide you mix and match how ask your soup server to mix the Toscana soup and the chicken Yoki together or enjoy the pasta if regularly with the veggie heavy minestrone for less calories.

[00:37:58]

So basically your tip is to be as simple in a dig, just as I'm sure you've worked on these recipes or whatever, but just couldn't do it for me.

[00:38:10]

And if you could bring a straw with that Fritschi, I just wanted to check and see if you guys were ready to order.

[00:38:17]

I yes. Could you ruin some soup for me, please?

[00:38:21]

Yeah, of course. Of course. You know what? And how about just give me one fifth a portion of all five minutes together?

[00:38:30]

Yes, of course. Yes, yes. The soup mess, as we call it.

[00:38:35]

I ask for an Italian soda, even though it's not on the menu. That's so.

[00:38:42]

Yeah, it's not that many more. But you can order an Italian soda with the flavors from the Olive Garden.

[00:38:46]

Lattis, I think that if you ordered an Italian soda from the server at Olive Garden, there would stare at you blankly and then lie on the ground until you left this all these tips, do you seem to assume a certain level of engagement from the Olive Garden employee that they wouldn't just say, like, no, you can?

[00:39:03]

And the last tip here is buy Olive Garden dressing in grocery stores.

[00:39:08]

Oh, so I guess maybe you could bring your own bottle of dressing and just pay the corkage like, oh, no, I brought my own.

[00:39:18]

Thank you. Now we that's why we really, really should go to the money down though.

[00:39:24]

All right, let's go. Come on. And what more needs to be said, they're comfortable about 60 seconds. OK, I know I was doing I was trying to do like a prestage thing.

[00:39:45]

What more needs to be said? They're comfortable. Yes. But they also want you to be comfortable expressing yourself because they dedicate.

[00:39:54]

OK, I bet you to I said let's try and get through these fast. I know.

[00:39:58]

Like doing like some sort of like damaged a magician rope. I was trying to do it like it was like an apple like presenta ok me on this. I like a broken clockwork man. Please do it fast.

[00:40:10]

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They're just great. So if you want to try these tree based underpants, you can get 15 percent of your first order free shipping, 100 percent satisfaction guarantee by going to Mandi's dotcom. My brother, that's Mandi's dot com slash my brother.

[00:40:52]

Put your legs in some trees.

[00:40:54]

Hey, we are supported in part by Squarespace this week. They're the website ones. They're the ones that they give you the tools that you need to showcase your work, sell products and services of all kinds, promote your physical or online business. It also says dot, dot, dot and more, which I've never really read as suggestive. But now it's the only way I can kind of read it.

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And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code. My brother, all one word to save ten percent off your first purchase of a website or domain janjigian.

[00:41:51]

Hey boy celebrity. Why and why not celebrity.

[00:41:56]

Why watch SREP Rap Brad Martially Celebrity Waying Y Squad.

[00:42:06]

Welcome to Celebrity one y month squad. It's a podcast within a podcast. Within a podcast that profiles the latest and greatest brand eating and wine.

[00:42:16]

This is not a celebrity wine per say, but it is a where the world's wine and the world squad meet.

[00:42:23]

So this is extremely exciting for me to finally get these two great brands together. And it's funny that I'm bringing two great brands together because a thank you to Chris before I move on for setting this along, the pack is back.

[00:42:38]

Cheese, it white cheddar and refreshing house wine rosé combine for two the year to toast just in wine it just in time.

[00:42:49]

Sorry, unintentional pun, just in time for national wine and cheese day cheese and house wine, which are neither offer the perfect summer pairing.

[00:43:01]

The FAMO inducing Cheez It and wine box that had everyone buzzing last year is Bhagwat weight.

[00:43:09]

So remember, everyone was buzzing a year ago about this.

[00:43:14]

But more than that, the implication being that I might see perhaps some sort of influencer on Instagram enjoying this cheese it and wine box combination. And I would be like, oh God, I'm so afraid I'm missing out.

[00:43:28]

Yes.

[00:43:29]

This year's limited edition offers a brand new summer ready combination cheese it white cheddar and house wine rosé. Why do they continue to put the white cheddar after cheese?

[00:43:42]

It I don't know.

[00:43:43]

That's very irritating. Made with one hundred percent real cheese.

[00:43:47]

Cheese it white cracker house. Wine house. Want a white cheddar cracker?

[00:43:55]

I don't know man. We keep harvesting the cheese in this incredible rosé. Keep squishing out of it. Your guess is as good as I did, but don't stop the cash cow.

[00:44:06]

That's some slippery language made with one hundred percent real cheese. All that is guaranteed is a single molecule of cheese.

[00:44:14]

At some point in the processed white cheddar crackers pair perfectly with the crisp, refreshing flavor of house wine. Or I say all in one convenient package.

[00:44:24]

If your idea of convenience is carrying around a sloshy box of crackers from your from your kitchen to your living room, it also definitely uneven weight, right?

[00:44:34]

There's no way. Oh, for sure. For the wine side must be heavier than the cheese inside.

[00:44:39]

Yeah. It's like an adult box of nerds. It's no secret it's no secret that rosé is the ideal beverage for peak of summer. That's true. You know, rosé used to be so we're looked down upon, but there's a lot of great recipes.

[00:44:52]

Are you saying it right? And I've been saying it wrong all my life. How have you been saying it, Travis? Rosé. Pink. But you're saying it like, say. It doesn't matter if everyone's favorite summer drink, the tasty combo is perfect for socially distant happy hour.

[00:45:15]

Hey, plus. Emergen. Essentially, this is party only concessions available are single box wine, but which, by the way, is distributed through a spigot on the front of the barge.

[00:45:38]

I would argue makes it the least perfect beverage to have it your socially just happy hour.

[00:45:45]

Now, I will say, just as far as like getting it across the room, my friends and I did used to play space back in college where we would take the bag out of the box of wine and hurl it across the room at each other yelling space bag.

[00:45:58]

And if you got hit by hit, you had to drink. But if you caught it, the other person had to drink.

[00:46:02]

Yeah. This space we know space back. Yeah.

[00:46:05]

So you could get it across the room easily without having to get in within six feet of each other.

[00:46:09]

But as Jonathan is indicated, there is a point in all space back games where you have to put your mouth out and that ain't gonna get to Foushee seal of approval.

[00:46:18]

Now the tasty combo is perfect for essentially Distin Happy Hour, a virtual book club or a cozy night on the couch.

[00:46:27]

You know, we all contain multitudes for sure, but I'm not sure there's a huge demographic that loves books almost as much as they love chugging down dirty crackers with rotten strawberry water or a cozy night on the couch watching reality TV with a few friends.

[00:46:47]

We're actually not doing that in crackers. I don't know if you all actually heard that. That's not actually what we're doing.

[00:46:54]

And this is definitely someone is writing this copy and they could think of two things and they're like, and, you know, when everything reverts back to the way it was, you know, these are for dirtbag's two that don't give a shit about people enjoy our thing.

[00:47:10]

And this is you. It could be enjoyed by yelling while yelling at people in the supermarket.

[00:47:16]

Following the success of our first edition of Cheese and Wine, which sold out in minutes. What we knew we had to bring the partnership back this summer with a new flavor pairing, said Jeff Delonas, senior director of marketing for Cheeses.

[00:47:31]

Was it sold online? How would it's just online? Only White Cheddar is a longstanding favorite of cheese fans. And what better match than light refreshing rosé? Not only does it perfectly complement the cheesy goodness, it's also the unofficial wine of summer. You could just call it the official start of summer. I don't think summer is going to fucking see the limited edition cheese in White Cheddar and House.

[00:47:54]

One rosé will be available online for twenty nine ninety nine at original house wine. Oh, no. Here's the card beginning at 2:00 p.m. Eastern on July twenty third. Don't worry, it's already sold out.

[00:48:09]

OK, cool. I was worried because I knew I would have to look deep into my soul and decide if I was going to buy it or not. And I'm glad that they have saved me that level of introspection.

[00:48:19]

Well, Travis, great news. I have found listings for a box of house wine, rosé and a big box of cheese. It's white cheddar and a listing for superglue. Oh, so you can kind of just do your own thing, and I would argue that mine has double cardboard in there to protect from fluid cracker contamination.

[00:48:41]

Yeah, but Governor, if I do it myself, that's nothing.

[00:48:44]

There's I'm on the website where you going to order it? And I just get really sad. OK, I missed it, of course.

[00:48:52]

And they say cheese and housewife comparing boxes are sold out. But don't worry, we wouldn't leave you hanging.

[00:48:57]

Click below to learn more about this collaboration and see our favorite house, wine and cheese at cracker pairings so you can recreate it at home. Oh, no. And I just feel like the idea. The fact that they. They didn't think that I could think of how to buy cheese, it told myself that I am a human person would go to the store and be like, well, they're in different aisles. I mean, the law's the law.

[00:49:22]

I can't I can't recreate this at home. Help me. Help me. Brands fix this for me.

[00:49:29]

It is also as if the emperor was the one who's like, look at my new clothes.

[00:49:35]

And also I'm naked because like you've just said, like we didn't we just charged you money, as Griffin put it, to glue two things together, you dummies. You could do this, you didn't need us to do the magic was in you all along. I should point out that the the regular box of wine from them cost twenty one ninety nine.

[00:50:00]

This box, this partnership when it was available, cost thirty dollars. So you are also buying a nice box of chestnuts, which is airplane white cheddar cheese.

[00:50:09]

It's so hard to be fair.

[00:50:12]

Yeah, that is absolutely true. Griffin. Absolutely true.

[00:50:16]

My advice to these two companies make more of them, they keep selling out instantly, if you like the money parts, just go ahead and make more of them a lot more.

[00:50:29]

Some human being who already thought that they were pretty eroded inside, saw how quickly it sold out and thought, should I have charged more for this? I yeah, I already thought I was kind of pushing it with that 30 dollar price tag. But could I have been more of a dirt bag about this?

[00:50:50]

I feel like I should have charged more. I already thought I was, you know, charging a lot of money for Cheesus. But people seem to really want to spend this kind of money on treasons.

[00:51:05]

Am I helping people?

[00:51:09]

Wait a minute. Am I?

[00:51:11]

I hear similar.

[00:51:16]

The press release continues undaunted, similar to the many varieties of cheese in our wines run the full spectrum of flavor said how land voit winemaker for house wine. We've seen rosé skyrocket in popularity over the past few years, apparently skyrocket so much that we've had to duct tape it to go.

[00:51:33]

But especially during the warm summer season.

[00:51:38]

For the second year of this partnership, we knew the pairing had to feature rosé as the perfect complement to the real cheese flavor in cheese it white cheddar.

[00:51:47]

OK, House Wine is the recipient of several Best Buy accolades, which I'm assuming is frank from loss prevention at my local Best Buy.

[00:51:58]

You've got to love this stuff.

[00:52:00]

Cheese and wine and one box from leading industry publications such as Wine Spectator and Wine Enthusiast, which I'm assuming was in no way a joke. For additional details on this partnership, be sure to visit Cheese AdCom and original house wine dotcom.

[00:52:18]

Hey, welcome back.

[00:52:19]

This is year three of the cheese house wine collabo. This year, a bold step. We just remove the divider. So now is just wine and cheese it sloshing around in there and we're charging one hundred and forty dollars for. Oh, it's sold out. It's gone by.

[00:52:38]

We also we also just throw a random fucking phone pop in there. It's just us. It's a sloppy, soupy surprise box.

[00:52:46]

Can you imagine there is a there is a paring uh. Guide on here on their website, What How You Can Cheesa and cheers it, and they, of course, have white children, Rousay, they have extra Jasiek and Pinot Grigio, they have extra Toastie and the Sauvignon Blanc. They have original plus a nice red blend. There's Cheddar Jack plus cabernet sauvignon.

[00:53:17]

And then there's Molbeck and Cheese, it grows zesty cheddar accent, and I just hope that somewhere in this world there was a 70 year old Argentinean man looking out over his Molbeck and thinking, I just hope one day that my family's vineyard, which has been in our family for generations and we've been fermenting this wine, and I hope one day the Molbeck we make can be perec can be used to wash down cheese.

[00:53:51]

It grows zesty cheddar ranch.

[00:53:55]

That is my fondest hope. This is what my grandpa imagined when he planted this vineyard.

[00:54:01]

My grandpa, who is buried in this vineyard, whose very life endorsed by my grandpa, who is part of the terror of of this this wine that we make can finally be used to wash down cheesey Griff's Zester Ranch.

[00:54:23]

So anyway, that's the end of the show. Hey, thanks so much for listening. Last plug or for its destroying.

[00:54:30]

Please, please, please, please, please. You like our podcast, right? Please. This is the last time.

[00:54:41]

Come on, Maxo photographers. Let's join. Come on. What do you got to lose except five dollars a month.

[00:54:48]

Thank you to John Rodrik and the Long Winters fees for a theme song instead of Bartrop. The album Putting the days to bed. And that's all I'm going to say about that.

[00:54:55]

Wow, there it is. We have a podcast book coming out. We wrote a book about how to make a podcast that you are proud of and enjoy making. It's called Everybody Has a Podcast.

[00:55:04]

Except you talked about this. That's a weird. That's weird, huh? It's very unlike us.

[00:55:09]

If you want to preorder it, you can go to MacRay podcast book Dotcom. It's a how to guide and listen. It's kind of funny, but mostly it's going to help you make a good podcast.

[00:55:19]

How do we wrestle that Yooralla away from whoever was squatting on it?

[00:55:23]

I know MacWhite podcast book Dotcom. You can preorder now. It comes out in January. Don't wait.

[00:55:28]

Well, well, there you go. That's it. So we're going to end the shutdown along with a final Yahoo!

[00:55:37]

This one singing Sweet, sweet, sweet. Yep. All done.

[00:55:40]

Now, that's what I'm saying about the prospect of Mayor Palmer. Thank you, Meredith. Yahoo! Answers user. They're anonymous.

[00:55:45]

I'm going to call them or ask. If I get blood all over my tax return form, will they audit me? I don't feel like starting over.

[00:56:02]

My name is Jessamy and Travis Zacharie. I'm Griffin McElroy. It's been my brother. My brother may kiss your dad square on the lips. Maximum fun dog comedy and culture, artist owned, audience supported.