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The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only, so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up? You call? And welcome to my brother, my brother and me and advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.
I'm your brother Justin, because I'm Travis. You here?
Did you guys hear that? I actually didn't. Did you guys hear that? I didn't mean to say, OK, it threw me off so bad. I said, your name. Are you OK?
I'm fine, OK. I'm Travis Macara, your midlist brother.
Do you have a show in you today? Justin, are you cool?
There is going to be a show you have of an show inside of you that's waiting.
You know what's it's strange. I didn't know how I felt.
This show is my therapy. Yeah. I mean, this is my this is my time to unpack everything. And I went into this recording not knowing how I felt today.
And then when I was trying to put on, as we say in French le mask Ruscio, you know, the mask of the host, the entertainer, the funny man whisks away Pagliacci. You know, I've discovered a sort of unease.
You reached in you reached in to the depths to pull out the comedy that is at the base of the sorrow in your soul. But you found only sorrow. There's just sorrow in there. Yeah. Yeah.
Just what I found is that if I dig deep enough, the comedy's in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's what I was trying to get out was sort of in the in the parlance of of Aristotle, the exploration of pity and fear, you know, the great art.
So this is my brother, my brother, me. It's an advice show. So what this means is the people you have heard in the past comments are going to tell you what to do, believe it or not. Fun twist. Yeah.
Now, I want to start off this. And this is not normally how we do it. I'm going I'm going to admit this is a special occasion. But to start off the episode, we got Variety. Yeah, we got an email from Rose and it was about a topic that we discussed last episode or a couple episodes ago. And it goes like this. And Rose, I want to say thank you for the powerful start to this question. There was no there was no lead in it just started like this.
How I heard it is that Ray Bradbury actually asked his local fire department what temperature books burned out, and they went and lit a book on fire and measured the temperature while they were still on the phone with him and reported back that the temperature was Fahrenheit four or five one.
No idea if that's true or not.
Rose, I wish I could have been there when they were like, we got to a Bradbury wants us to burn a book now.
I wish, but we got to pick a book to burn. Well, let's see.
We got let's it's a fire station. So what we have here is the phone book and a book about how to fight fires. Yeah. And the Bible.
So I would say, hey, Jimmy, why don't you read Nadine Kootz earlier? Yeah, but I haven't finished it. It's Ray Bradbury, dude. All right.
On the phone. Skorts that. Kootz You're burning my clients.
Is it among the services that the fire department offers?
If you call them, you can ask any object and they will burn it for you.
Yes. Also. Hey, also why does the fire department even possess the implements? The one place you don't want there to be a fire is in the fire station because that's where you have all your shit right for fighting it. Right. Why do they even have the implements for starting a fire?
It's what the train just in, obviously, because you don't want the first time you fight a fire to be live out in the real world.
You want to know first? You wanna you want to let him fire. There's no training fire. It's fire. But you put a fire control fire. You put a fire in the wastepaper basket. So first day John can put it down, feel like a powerful firefighter.
Hey, I want all our Rangers, all our Park Service people to get at me on this one reminder, my Twitter handle is at a plus K I a controlled burn is a fucking lie.
If anybody says that there's a controlled burn, they're lying to you. It's fire, baby.
Just going to do it's the thing.
I'm not saying that a fire in a wastepaper basket is a controlled burn.
You know, I'm saying, OK, the idea of controlled burns and please get at me people who do manage forests for a living, it I it's not a controlled burn baby.
It's a fire. It's gonna do what it's going to do. Hey, that is got to be the worst moment of your day. If you're like it's a controlled burn and then you notice that one tree tender.
Oh, no, that was one of the good trees. Oh, that then you got to start like, oh yeah I did want to get that one. I can just run over there with a can of spray paint. Just put an X on that one real quick. Yep. Yeah.
It's all part of the plan. Yeah. Yeah, it's all under control.
Somebody needs to write like a sci fi novel called Controlled Burn, but it's C TRL burning.
Oh Travis. Yeah. Oh that's good. Yeah. Think about that. Anyways, I like that we could call the fire department, just be like, hey, what temperature does like a classic Teddy Ruxpin burn. Yeah. And they would have to do it or else I guess I don't pay their salaries.
So, you know, it's fucked up. It's 70 degrees Fahrenheit. Oh no. Such a dangerous little toy such a day.
I mean that that that tape deck in there, it's a it's it's own sort of internal combustion engine is not great.
So they have they have tools to measure how hot a fire is that the fire department. And I believe that. But then I also wonder, does that mean, like, they're going to measure the heat of a fire when they get like a house fire and they're like, that's too hot?
Or that they where they roll up to a house fire point their little their thermometer at it, and they're like, it's OK, guys, it's a cold fire.
So I do understand the reason that we don't need our suits. I've got a baby fire.
I've got a thick sweater on. This is a cold ass fire in and out.
No problem. Can we do a question that's not about Ray Bradbury?
I want to talk about Ray Bradbury. No, it's fine.
I can do one on one, not we'll do one for them. One for OK. I heard that he called a tattoo parlor and said, how many tattoos could you put on a man before he's illustrated. Before he's illustrated.
I was on the way out the door to walk our dog Cooper.
Nice. Wow. When I realized I was without platform.
Real quick, did you say that because you're assuming that this person named their dog after your second daughter?
Well, they didn't name them. I'm assuming that in them after, but maybe they didn't before, in which case you took a dog. OK, fine. Yeah.
By now you've named your daughter after their dog went on named the dog Indiana Classic Love Classic. I Love, Love, Iron Man Mirvish.
When I realized I was without a plastic bag for his poop, my wife ran to our kitchen for me and pulled one from the recycling before sending me on my way.
I'm now boss in the house. He's pooping. I realize she handed me a dramatically oversized baggie, the ones from Goodwill that fit coats and bedding.
And so it seems wasteful to use such an enormous amount of plastic for a single duty. What do I do? Do I pick up after him in this little Kearsley big bag or do I search for a plan B?
That's from Superflat sized shit bag in Greensboro.
I mean, think about your poor dog who sees the size of the bag and is like, are you sure?
I'll do my best, but fuck, I'm going to disappoint you, buddy. I'm sorry. I don't know what you have planned for the day, but is that for both of us? Um, yeah.
I mean. Oh, God. I mean, it's important you clean up the duty. That's just that's that's one to one clean leaving the area and notice.
Yeah. No, listen, I'm a dog owner. I pick up my dog's shit kwi you want a fucking trophy.
I also think that it is interesting that we have a society like all other animals shit outside and there's dirt there and mud and stuff. But my dog shit I have to with a like microscopically thin bag put it in my hand while you watch to make sure I do it.
Mr. Jones next door. This is a weird character trap. I've never, I've never stepped in like squirrel shit had it ruin my day.
Let me check the let me actually check my my history.
Yeah. It's always dogs that I stepped in. So yeah.
We need to say we shouldn't do it. I'm saying I don't like to.
Yeah. OK, nobody likes nobody's like. Oh right. So little Brown little Brown treasurer.
Neither of you. Your dog owner.
So let me tell you the most awkward thing in being a dog owner. He's after you've picked up your dog shit and you're carrying it around in an old Kroger bag and like you're walking back home and like another car from your neighborhood drives by and you kind of awkwardly wave with the hand holding the bag of shit.
Yeah. Now, are that hands holding Delicias?
Now, imagine this, but it's a mattress bag. It's a big fucking steamer trunk size. It's a big boy. It's I mean, you have to do it. Can you pick up a bunch of different stuff. Yeah, there's got to be some other poop lying around now.
It doesn't have to be poop. You find it cool pinecone or glitter. Yeah. Yeah.
I mean nondenial organic litter you just because if you do I thought you said glitter. No litter because if you do just have the one poop in this huge, huge bag, you're going to look like some sort of like.
Off brand Johnny Appleseed, because my last one nearing the end of his journey. Could you keep reusing the bag until it's full you? Where are you going to store that truck between right inside the door.
So it's there next time you need it.
We're going to need a mudroom for this, specifically for the bag.
Hmm. Justin, it sounds like you're not having fun.
I say trash bags, really seriously. And I'm going to think about how I'm out of my big trash bags that I treasure sometimes.
You know what I do sometimes we do. This is embarrassing. But, like, I'll I'll get you know, I like the big, big ask contractors. Yeah, baby.
The ones that make me feel like they're eating away at concrete, narrow stretch around it.
Sometimes I get some, I get a mind, do some cleaning and figure out like oh man, I've only fill up half of this amazing trash bag and so I'll just leave the trash bag.
You guys ever do this? Just leave the trash bag centrally located and then if somebody tries to trash in the regular trash can, I'm like, oh well, I got this over here.
Don't fill up the smaller cans with that trash can. Put it in this big boy I got. This is my big centrally located trash. I'm trying to fill her up.
Justin, you have just maybe described like the clearest example of dad idiosyncrasy since we started making this show.
Like that is such like, oh, Daming Clinton, Emal McIlroy or Dad in general, like you are a dad because you do this thing I've never heard of before. Don't you guys get mad? OK, ok, OK.
When people in your household and I know that I mean the kids today, when people in your household throw away trash, that takes up half of the trash can.
Does that not drive you fucking back? Let me ask you a follow up question.
Did they use my special big garbage bag?
I don't want that. I say just for Big Boy special, centrally located dad bag.
So when I fill up, I buy myself a little treat, OK, because I've earned it.
And no one appreciates the hard work I do around here. You know, I like to watch one episode of a car show without somebody interrupting me while I fill up. It's just that central sack from fat trash spiral here. I just need to know if there's if you have a I have a kitchen trash can.
If someone has a large piece of trash and I keep saying someone would I mean, my wife, my kids all throw away shit when my wife throws away my wife, the large bag of trash, a large piece of trash in the kitchen, trash can that fills up a lot of the trash.
I get very frustrated and I ask that we take larger pieces of trash directly out to the cans or instead of selling the trash bag with with it does sound like you've introduced a middle man, though.
A middle option, a middle a third path.
That is a perfectly good half filled bag right there. And it's a fat sack. It's a fat.
That's only when the SAC is not in play. Right. When the sex and play everything goes in the sack. Right. If the kids leave toys out too long and I don't think that they treasure it because.
Right in the sack sacks right there. Hey, can I do it? I just want to put all my worries and troubles in that sack, you know what I mean? I just want to say, oh, I got a lot weighing on me. What if I just put them all in my big sack and threw it right away, you know?
Yeah. I got a guy who here that was sent in by several people. Thank you. Bye bye. Yahoo! Answers user James who asks. Can I bring in some of my own ingredients for them to put on my subway sub? Oh, such a good question, James. It's a this is a fast food restaurant where they make sandwiches and they do. They've got a little. It's weird, huh?
They've got like a buffet, but just for them. Yeah, you think about that. You should if there was no sneeze guard there, which in the current sort of climate would be unthinkable, but if there was no sneeze guard there, you could just do it yourself and you wouldn't need them to necessarily be a part of that process.
But if you could do it yourself, if there was no sneeze guard, if we could democratize the subway process, then there would be nothing stopping you from, like sleeping in your own homemade horseradish on there or whatever.
I'll tell you what I have always really enjoyed at Subway is their candor, the honesty. Sure. Because, one, you get to watch them make the sandwich right there so you can watch them fuck up the way you want your cheese to go. It's great because, like, no, I know I said OK, but also that there's a straight up, like, vegetables are worth nothing to us.
We were as many of those on there as you want. The cheese and the meat. That's where the money is. Maybe you want more of that. We're going to charge you, but you want you want more spinach. Fuck it. Yeah, dude. Yeah. Slow that thing down. Westminister we can't close it.
Spinach comes from trees. There's enough of those.
I can find spinach outside right now if you want more where I supposed to get cheese at this time of day.
But this comes from cows and there's only so many of them.
This is how I measure how much sort of. Gas I have in the tank by whether or not I'm willing to ask for green peppers because. I don't want that the specificity of green pepper amount that I need to produce a satisfying sandwich is such that I don't I don't always want to take that journey right.
Because I don't want to always break down. I'm like, you don't understand how little green pepper I want. It's you're going to think that I don't want it.
That's the that's the you're going to think that I don't actually want the green pepper, but I do. I just want such a specific amount of green.
You want them to take some slices of green pepper and just kind of wiggle them over the sandwich like they're burning sage, but not actually let them touch if you could hide it in there.
So I definitely get all the benefits, but I'm not maybe Rapidan cheese. So like I it's later, I think.
Was there a green pepper on that sandwich? That's the ideal amount sometimes.
But I'm feeling really Froggie, I'll do that with Mayo, but I'm even more particular about that. I actually kind of mispronounce Mayo because I want them to put an amount of mayonnaise on the sandwich where they're not actually sure if I.
Yes, that is the that is the exact amount of mayonnaise that I want on the sandwich where they have they have plausible mayonnaise that they like. That's just meat Levens. That's there's no mayo on this.
No, sir. That was just wet bread. No, I just got out. What's like this. Can you bring in your.
OK, let's let's take it one step. Can you bring in your own bread. I don't think. OK, what if what if I brought in an ingredient they finish the sandwich and then while still standing at the register I unwrap it, open the sandwich, put my ingredient in, close the bread, wrap it all while maintaining eye contact. That's what happens, right? They're going to charge you for it.
You can bring in your own slice of ham, charge me looking for work. Oh, well, porking fee. Oh that was good. Very good.
I think you should be able is that is ham what you guys would really bring. OK, Subway opens the subway there like we got five dollar footlong and people love that.
But now we have a new jingle and it's spring in your own me now and you can bring in your own. It says Bring in your own meat now but you can bring in whatever, but you can only bring in one thing.
So like, what's the what's the.
And this is great because then there's a line of people standing six feet apart, all of them holding their sort of comfort item.
Yes, that's right. I'll bring a toothbrush and a picture of my wife. You can do it in that hands on a hardbody truck. Wait, that's not sorry. That's not what's happening. Oh, man, I'm sorry. Everybody is going to be holding bacon like a kid who's just won a bunch of tickets at, like, an arcade. And they're like waving these strings of tickets around.
Except it'll be bacon because they're too much work, too much work. I don't think you're going to make it a bacon item.
I think Travis is coming at this from an economic standpoint. I'm trying to think of like special things I have in this house that I've always wanted to eat.
Subway sandwich, my own sort of pinski salami situation, if you call the best looking me.
I've never had. What what? Griffin, what's something that you would not feel like the house is the family viewed? What's something that you would not normally have on a sandwich that you find yourself craving?
It's my wiliness, my prince, my prince ppy. I'm trying to think of what they would say on Family Feud.
They would say Prince doo doo doo doo juice. They say like wild shit. Yeah. Show me. Do the juice. Yeah. Oh it's up there. It's number one. Wow. Making laundry.
One hundred percent of people said do not use one. Oh wow. We asked a million people and one hundred percent of them said, dude, it is every day.
Right. Oh that's great. They're not going to sell that to you at Subway. No good. That's how, you know, things are done. They could. They could. They won't. They could.
We have we have CBD Pepper Rotimi a DLT. Yes. Well, that's it, that's the end of that bet we can see it to bed. That's it. That bet. I recently discovered that my boyfriend's dad drives we should do that more, didn't that feel really clean? Yeah, I really like that sort of laugh in style like he had transition.
OK, well, put that on a donkey cart.
But I recently discovered I recently discovered that my boyfriend's dad drives Lyft on the side to pick up some extra cash.
The problem with this is that I use live my boyfriend. I've been dating for four years.
I consider myself to be close to The Partridge Family, just not his dad. He's really nice seeming. We just haven't had many chances to interact vertical lift.
And his dad was the driver. When I've just in the front and try to make small talk with him. Or would it be OK for me to sit quietly in the back like I normally would fall?
Oh, boy. Wow, this is fraught.
This is until I read this question, the idea of calling a Lyft and having it be someone I knew driving had never occurred to me.
Yeah, because the question of where to sit and I feel like we you do have the built in excuse right now of social distancing.
So I got to sit cattycorner. Oh that's good. Yeah. I mean, it's not just good, it's Laeter. It's the truth. If you're doing anything other than cattycorner, then you're then you're part of the problem.
You could always sketch on the back. Sketching on the back is cool.
You definitely can't treat it like a regular Lyft. I mean, unless. Unless, unless. You're going to do the mask thing. Oh, and do you guys been doing the mask thing?
You mean wearing a mask to keep other people alive? Yes, Justin, I have. All good. Travis, let's get everybody on Twitter, obviously.
But no, Justin just said, like, the mask thing, like it was a cool life. Travis Travis cleans up after his dog and doesn't spread a pandemic. And he's like, well, you know what?
I do want to parade. I want to bring in a trophy that says Travis back. Right. Bare minimum.
No, but it's beat J.R. and there's a little bear where the trophy you wear the mask and you're at the store and you see someone you definitely know and you just absolutely play it off because it's like you got to get me this time. I have plausible deniability.
I thought. I mean, especially if you wear one of the, like, plastic shield masks and a hat, you are a ghost. My friend.
When you asked if we were doing the mask thing, just I thought you're talking about when the cops when there's a bunch of cops and they're about to arrest you, but then you're like, they call me Cuban Pete, the king of the room, and you do a dance. And then there are very few social media.
Be fair, the mask would fix this problem with the lift because you're it would turn into like a huge stretch limo and your boyfriend, your boyfriend's dad would be like a cool.
Yeah, I mean, every bad ass can be pretty cool and you roll up to the Coconut Club or whatever, and there's Cameron Diaz and I guess you seduce her with your cool dancing. Wouldn't it be cool to have a mask mask and you could just put it on an actor for some time, not with his zany powers? You're saying you're scaring man, but you're Banaz.
You pretend that you have Izadi powers. I think are really good. Think. Oh, yeah. I think everyone in this day and age, everyone needs that kind of levity, you know what I mean? That's what the world is missing. More mask based humor.
Well, then maybe everybody's uncles and aunts who are still really up in arms about the whole pandemic mask thing. Maybe we can get them on board because everybody loves Jim Carrey's The Mask.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. So, like, you have that. And then you can also say, like this will nullify certain social expectations when you wear this and you can do a funny like rumba dance and rob and rob a bank, it would be funny to put on a surgical mask and then put on the mask mask over that mask.
And so people would think you're just acting a fool and being silly, but actually you're being very conscientious.
And then when you get in and people are like, what are you doing?
You're like, I guess I misunderstood. I'm sorry, but I there's a pandemic line.
And let me show you some literature to make to mask. What if you did mask a surgical mask?
Somebody shot me because I can't do my shopping for myself because I wore a mask mask.
You wear a surgical mask underneath venue where the mask over and then you wear a surgical mask over that. People see it and like, oh, he's a whimsical party man, but he still understands the importance of controlling the pandemic.
Yeah, I respect him for the man. The mask is funny, man. It's fucking funny as shit.
It's both funny. It's weird. It's funny to watch, but also funny to talk to you.
Remember when the dog pees all over that guy because he's wearing the mask and it's like in waterfowl and that's a good one.
And when he eats the bomb and it explodes in his timing because that's spicy meat.
The ball Travis with Travis do a more mascotte jokes to get us to around 10 days.
Remember when he when he's there with Ben Stein and he tries to put the mask on, but it doesn't work. So Jim Carrey, in his classic rubber face style, just like throws himself around for a while.
That's why there's another one where the clock is bouncing around the hallway and he's trying to smash the hammer.
It's just he's got to. That's a good one, Travis. Six more six.
He says love is but a red red rose. And I am a little thorny, and that's pretty good.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
They beat him and they're reaching in his pocket and he does like a little to the left and makes a joke like it's his penis.
That's for four more baby. Travis, you're halfway home. Come on, man.
That's the part where the old lady comes out like his landlady comes out of her apartment and she has like a green face mask on and he's wearing a mask and they scream at each other, oh, that's great.
He's going to do it. Just he's going to do it for another part where he's kind of spinning around and turning into the mask. And then he stops and he catches the feather and he says, somebody stop me, OK? He says, it's like a really funny way. Yeah.
We'll give it to you two more. Trav, come on. You can do this.
There's a part where he the cops come and he tries to run away and they say freeze. And he turns to ice in midair and put your hands up. And he says, But you told me you freeze.
Now, listen, back in episode four six, Travis got to nine. And this is where he shit the bed.
Travis, we really want to see if you can land the plane. Is there is there anything you got to have at least a little bit more juice in the tank? Come on by. Get us there.
There's a part where you hit the two guys who tried to charge Stanley Extra for fixing the car.
And then the mask shoves the mufflers up their butts.
Yes. Yes. Ladies and gentlemen, it's amazing.
Amazing, Travis. And I just really watched it last night. Cigarette, you're going to head on the. Do either one of you nerds want to take this first one, OK? Yes, I want to tell you about Warby Parker. They make glasses. I know you're thinking a lot of people make glasses. I make glasses. But do you make beauty quality eyewear at a revolutionary price point? You don't. Shut up and let me finish this ad.
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Now my skateboard lawyers are saying nice to me and they're giving me a big thumbs up and they're shaking their head. Yes. So I don't know if that means you can eat earbuds. They're doing it again. God these guys man, they're such bad lawyers. Why did we get these terrible lawyers? My lawyers is good luck on two. Hi everybody. My name is Justin McQuoid. I'm Sydney Macara. We're both doctors and nope, just me. OK, well, Sydney is a doctor and I'm a medical enthusiast and we create sawbones, a miracle tour of misguided medicine.
Every week I dig through the annals of medical history to bring you the wildest, grossest, sometimes dumbest tales of ways. We've tried to treat people throughout history and we do a lot of modern fake medicine because everything's a disaster, but it's slightly less of a disaster every Friday right here on Maximum Fun Dog as we bring you sawbones a medal, too, of misguided medicine. And remember, don't drill a hole in your head. You on a Yahoo!
Yeah, I'd like that. OK, this Yahoo was sent in by Molly, and I guess you're not going to interrupt me. That feels good. Thanks, Molly. It's by Yahoo!
Answers user Copperman asks. Oh, I get it. It's like Iron Man.
But that's funny. I didn't think about that. Good. Oh, and this. I'm like, I'm liking it already. And this seems like something that the bad the bad boy, Tony Stark himself would say, which is why are plungers handle rods so short? Right.
I feel like I'm already elbow deep in their regular plunders consist of an elastic suction cup and a wooden handle rod that is attached to it. The wooden hand.
If you have never plunged, do you think that's possible? I mean, maybe some people only have narrow shifts, they're perfect. So this is our third time talk about poop.
Thank you. Stinky snakes.
Every time a wooden handle rod is intended to be held and used by the plunger operator to forcefully compress and decompress the suction cup in its contents by pushing and pulling. All right, Bill Nye, we fucking get it.
Another commonality among many regular plungers is that the wooden rod is rather short, forcing your wrists and forearms to be rather close to the suction cup and what's below it.
So I ask, why are the wooden rods as short as they usually are?
Should they be longer to allow for some action at greater distance to the whirling toilet water and whatever happens to be part of said whirling waters?
I've always wanted them to be broom handle. Length can stand on top of the counter right next to it and like jump off and really get some good action going, you know what I mean?
Like, because sometimes just the like two feet that they give me isn't enough to get the talk. I need to get the clock out of there, you know what I mean?
I need to really get in there.
Yeah, we want and you need when you like it, when it's a sort of Darth Maul double bladed plunger saber situation, where is a long stick? And on one side is the normal plunger. But then on the other side is like an almost comedically large the mask sized plunger cup. And that one goes that one goes over the whole toilet.
And Travis likes to do that and yell for people to come in, like, guys, get in here, get in here. You've got to see this. You got to see this. You'll never believe what I'm doing. But people are always like lunch.
And I pull up and there's Jimmy Hoffa's body. I think it's great.
Everyone loves it and people laugh and they're like, you're doing the big plunger trick again, aren't you? We don't have to come in. We have seen it.
Yeah, I've lost a lot of very good tiny plunger card trick.
And you can order the tiny plunger and I'll send you a DVD with it. Says How to do the tiny plunger.
Hey, it's twenty twenty. How is plunger technology not involved and have we not beyond.
We put a big duke in there, clog the whole thing up. Here's like a suction cup and a wooden stick go to work.
I think it has evolved because there are some where there's kind of a flange at the bottom where it flanges in and then there's just the regular Mario ones.
And I and I do I it does concern me because if we figured out the flange is better, we should have thrown all those other ones away. Right.
We want to do this job once and we want to do it right now.
No way. And I've talked about it before. I'm a disrupter. I'm going to disrupt the whole thing. Fucking big plungers out here taking your money. Hey, everybody, here's a newsflash. Invest in my company. Bigger pipes, dotcom. Yeah. Wait, no, don't go to bigger pipes, dotcom. Now let's go. Oh, shit. Here's the thing. If we still need puncher's, maybe the problem is that our dukes maybe it's the toilet pipes too small.
Why haven't we made a bigger toilet pipes at this point. Yeah.
Yeah you are. You are talking about Mario.
Sighs Pipes So you could go on a venture down.
I'm just saying that I think the only reason why the pipes are so small and I'm sorry, plumbers, I'm sorry you have to hear me say this and blow up your spot like this, but because big plumbers is keeping them small so that they're in a job, I'm saying give me a big ol powerful pipe that I can send whatever size Duke I make down without having to worry about it. Now, why are you holding me hostage in my latrine now, Traviss?
When he says big plumbers, he is not talking about the plumbing industry.
He is talking about the eight and a half foot tall sort of monster man that has come to his house whenever they have a plumbing emergency in my house, technically at this point would terrorize Travis.
Be a fair verb to use for what the plumber does to you. Yeah, and you know what?
Not just physically but emotionally open, physically wicked, physically like he fly.
But he also says mean things about how big my dick was and how I should be embarrassed. I'm like, this is all my fault. And I've let down everyone. Yeah.
I remember one time he said you had thick pee and you were like, dang, that stinks. And then he hurt you, your body. Yeah, many hurt me real bad.
Then all said that then. Then he also said that I used toilet paper like a baby in a cartoon. Yeah. And that is true.
I hate the big summer. I think the big Plummers sucks. But you know what? Also he pays his rent on time.
He just and like, yeah, I've never had any problems with him, like doing his chores.
I'm a chore wheel. So, like, there's that. I mean, he's not the worst roommate I've ever had.
Can I hit you guys with this? Please don't. I've been hurt so much.
OK, but this is a different is a I'm sure this idea it'll be light like a cloud, a stick that is the chores stick and every house has chores stick and then you. I have a sort of tackle box or perhaps a sort of like wheel that goes in your pantry that has plunger and multiple sized plug ins for Travis when he needs a special one for the way for his special waist.
But then it can also be Bruma, Swiffer fuckin angled broom for cleaning off the top of your fan blades, which folks you don't nobody's going to look up there.
OK, so just get compressed air for like half the jobs in your house one day or for a year.
It's OK. Or you could just get chores to stick.
Careful by blowing that in your face, though, folks. Compressed air. You don't. Why not? Don't do it. It's not good for you.
It's dangerous to call yourself a fucking embolism.
No good, but short stick is safe and it's OK. So we got to stick. We got big pipes just in.
What have you got to solve this moving. Oh, this is a new house. So you clog the toilet and you just move it, pack your bags and move away.
Exactly. And a long time.
Wouldn't that hurt the resale value of the befouled house? Keep that door locked, tell them somebody died, that you break, that it's the Duke of Amontillado, you just cover it up, don't we don't go in there. There's no need to be there. Not have bad.
It's too bad. Now, let's move on. It's two and a quarter bath because I drew in the toilet.
Did you break up your shirt? Did it's a ppy one.
So it's doing a quarter to and a quarter about just being there and leave.
That's a lot of questions you could pay. You could maybe just this toilet is probably clogged, but you could probably pay it at 12 more times.
Please. So please, cheers, cheers wisely while you're living. Oh, hey, man. Your bathroom. No, not that one. I got four left that I'm saving up for love.
It's like that Eddie Murphy movie, The Clumps in the Clumps Toilet.
And I'd like to welcome everyone to a new segment, Much Squad investigate.
Oh. Oh. That was terrible. That was really in this one area. There's been a murder, this one in this one.
We're going to find him and we're going to put him on blast. This is a new public service that we're doing on the Munch club. But we're going to find secret restaurants and we're going to. On our late. How sick I have, how secret, secret, because they are pretending to be a different restaurant than they are and I'm going to help you unearth this. I encountered this in my own life with its just wings, which popped up on door dash.
And I was like, damn, I would love some wings right now. And Sydney looked at the menu and I said, what's on the menu?
And she she scrolled through and she said, it's just wings.
And I was like, that can't be right. Everybody's got to have some add ons. Turns out they also had curly fries in the server menu that did a little digging.
Yeah, um, it's Chili's. Wait. Yeah, yeah, this restaurant that they pretended was another restaurant is actually it's just wings, it's not just wings, it's just chili.
So it's just it's just wings. So Chili said we got a lot of extra wings here that we need to get rid of.
We're going to create a second door dash like landing page where we just sell our wings and curly fries.
It's just us. They pretend it's a new restaurant, a new delicious restaurant where it's just wings.
But y but it's not just wings, it's just chilies. Don't try to fool me. I have another one. This is coming in hot. I need everybody to be aware of this.
Physicalize is serving up deep fried wings at their first ghost kitchen in Atlanta, which is a wild pheasants.
Now that I say it out loud, Hachi Mahachai Fazioli set up a secret ghost restaurant in Atlanta to just try to figure out how to do wings. Good, and they'll deliver them to you. That's no it's no big deal.
It's not the restaurants. It's just fossilise. Open up a wing restaurant run by ghost. It's just a ghost kitchen.
I'm actually kind of proud of them for that. If I'm being honest, I don't like the treachery, but I do appreciate them like we want to do things, but we're too nervous to fuck it up in our real stores.
We're going to set up a whole fake front just so we can get good wings and then bring them to you.
Travis, the markup on wings must be wild because I got another one for a neighborhood wings. OK, there's neighborhood wings.
You can get them in Folsom, Pennsylvania. Columbus, Indiana. Yonkers, New York. Enjoy some neighborhood wings, no. Where do you I'm going to give you all this turn into a game who makes neighborhood watch Applebee's?
That's right, we got them, Applebee's is neighborhood weighings, stop lying. Also, Boston market is secretly rotisserie roast.
I'm not even going to play the sound effect because you could have guessed that.
Why I'm so caught up in the psychology of this. I might as Applebee's like we need to move our wings.
I'll tell you why is this is legit like Chili's and Applebee's, like Millennial's Gin's Zimmers.
They're not going to Applebee's and Chili's because they're shame, because it's because of the shame associated with them.
But but those wings don't lie like the wings are their wings.
And so if you if you if they can call them something cool, like Tony Hawk's Extreme Wings or something like that Sumers love, then it's then, you know, you can do a trick on them.
So you're telling me they looked at what Chuck E. Cheese did and they said that was great. That's a great idea. We're just going to do that.
Yeah, we all know E. Cheese is Pasquale's Pizza and wings, right? If you see a Pasquale's pizza, you know, that's Chucky Cheese.
I do also want to warn everyone Bukit Beppo did a pizza, one that's called Piegza.
I decided to give it up for like that. That's very good. That's very good. And one more Hooters open up, one called Hoodie's Burger Bar, which you could do better than that.
That is not a but that's a premium tie in with Darius Rucker.
There's no Dariusz. That's a premium. That's a primo example, though, of I've never been to a Hooters because of the sort of its whole city central thing.
But maybe the food is phenomenal.
And now I can go to Hoodie's and it can be whatever I need it to be a little more formal, a little more refined.
I mean, you have to think the food is good at Hooters. Why else would people go there? OK, I don't actually want to talk about hers. I'm sorry, I want to I do want to say, though, the. I have a much lower jaw, too, if I could just take this off quick, because in these current times, I think that we're all sort of reeling and figuring out how to deal with it. And the way that the Sour Patch kids pop up store in New York City is dealing with it is to be open for you to go to.
Have you ever open a bag of Sour Patch kids candy? Only to think, what if I could live in this incredible sour than sweet experience? Well, think no longer the Sour Patch Kids store is here. That's right. Wall to wall sour then. Sweet awesomeness right in the heart of New York City. Express your inner sour patch. Kids smile with our new merchandise. Elevate your sour taste buds at our sweets bar. And, of course, create your perfect candy mix with your favorite sour patch kids varieties and then kill your grandma outside our misery.
But then it'll it'll do something real sweet. Like it'll be like we did give you coronavirus that our candy store that killed your grandma. But here's ten bucks. The kids may like pranks, but they no visitors. Safety is no joke.
Visitors to the Sour Patch Kids store will be required to wear a face covering at all times and maintain social distancing. It does.
There is. If you say you if you're going to be in the Sour Patch Kids New York City store, you have to wear a face mask. What you are saying then is. By coming into the Sour Patch Kids store, you're introducing some level of danger into your life, right? What level of danger? How much do you have to fucking love Sour Patch kids? Because for me, the amount of danger that is worth going to the Sour Patch kids store in your city is zero.
It is absolute.
No risk to my safety or minorities. Right.
That's the absolute bare minimum.
Well, maybe it's that you've already done something else dangerous that was worth it to you. And then you see the sour patches. Now, I might as well Marty out.
Hey, can I do a Yahoo! Yes.
This one was sent in by Graham Roebuck. Thank you, Graham. Chap who answers user servants, who asks, what would you do if you had a friend that went with you everywhere and kept saying, you're the man. Yeah, you're the man. You're the man over and over.
Hmm. You know, it'd be cool for how long would be cool for, I think a couple of days. Oh, I think up to a week went everywhere with me. Yeah.
I mean, that's I guess that that that is the small the fine print is that they would accompany you to the bathroom, to the bedroom, to the chain, to the changing room.
Can I wear it when I sleep. Yeah.
You're the man and I still sleep. Yeah. Me are that man. That man. Your sleep is so good. I'm going to give you some asmar. You're the man Tingle's. You're sleeping so good. I'm so proud of you.
I think it would be cool for a while. I think it'd be cool for a while and actually be not cool instantly for the three of us because of how it would take our audio. If you do, that would be a problem. If we did have on this show, the three of us, but then three strangers in the background all saying, you're the man. Yeah, you're the man. You're the man over and over. I think that would get grating after like a like half an episode.
You know what I feel like I learned that it would, after a while become disingenuous where he you know, he's saying you're actually paying this person and you're like, I'm not I'm not the man.
So what I propose five days a week. You're the man. You're the man. You're the man. On the sixth day. You suck. You're terrible. You're a piece of shit on the seventh day. Nothing, nothing. And then he's back from Monday through Friday. You're having a day of stewing on. I'm a real I'm a fucking stinker. Right.
And then he comes back and he's like, no, don't listen to what that other guy said. You're great. But it's the same. He's a different person. Maybe it's a different person to say, oh, you throw him away. Yeah.
And then the next week it's like maybe, you know, maybe just a different hat and like, mustache or whatever. I don't know.
And it's just like the last guy was a liar. You're great. I feel like. It would negate when other people in my life tell me I'm the man, I say it would be kind of less impactful.
It would take away your ability to appreciate being the man you know, then how about maybe let's tweak it a bit. They're just asking you, are you the man and it's up to you to answer, so it's building your own self-confidence and eventually he's going to say, now you're the man and he'll leave. Right, and whatever. And when. Yeah, you don't need him anymore. The powers in you, because he's asked and doesn't say you're the man now.
He says now you're the man that keeps that satisfying.
Exhaust her trademark territory, which I do appreciate from a legal perspective.
Instead, it's just asking you until you find the confidence with him that you don't need him there anymore. Yeah.
And and then he leaves and moves on and, you know, maybe there's maybe just moves on to your next door neighbor. He doesn't have far to go.
There's only one of him. And he has to kind of cover the whole world so he can really only give you like a week. So you need to get your shit together.
I do. I mean, we're talking about someone who can we jump back to earlier in the episode when you're talking about a dog bag full of Dukey and Johnny Appleseed and pretend that I said Johnny Appleseed?
No, actually, it's too far away. Sorry.
I say I'm thinking about it like a friend that goes with you everywhere you go who's like, you're not the man yet.
You're not the man. No, you're not the man. I do kind of already have that. But the friend the friend is inside me. The friend is just my brain. Yes. Now, see, I have the opposite. Yeah, you do have this friend I don't like how gendered it is, though, OK? Yeah, I do. Maybe if we had a little bit more space, like you're the man. Which which man? The man with the power, this is inevitable.
What about just like you're the best? No, that's. Well, no. Yeah, because manses man is the best.
Travis, I'm glad we finally drawing a line in the sand.
Your your doc, your doctor, shit like that. S Yeah. Because your doctor is gender neutral. You're the best rapper in the world. Your doctor. Cool.
You're the esteemed professor. Shit with tenure. Your professors, artists. I think it would be more useful to be by day to day life to have someone who follows me around and tells other people that I'm the man.
Yeah, get a lot of this, guys. Doctor shit. This guy's doctor shit. Look at me. Fuck yeah, dude. Hey, are you getting pumped for this guy? This guy is Dr. Shay. He went to shit medical school for seven years for this.
Get out. I could get out of the way.
Here comes Judge. Cool.
I would love to have that in my marriage. Just like a Sydney. Are you going to love this fucking guy? Look how much broccoli he said, I'm going wild over here. I can't believe you're not. You're missing this to pay attention to your kids. Look at this guy's putting it away.
This is the thing, right, that we're all jealous of like 90s hip hop artists for. Right. That man. None of it. You can't have a hype man. And day to day life, I can't be walking around and someone's like Travis rocking them jeans. Like, I can't do that.
I want that. We all want that. We all want to well, want a white man whose entire existence is just about like that.
They are revolving around us and like they are the Morayfield to to our great white shark.
I sort of don't want that sort of emotional pilot fish, if you will. Yes. I'm not sure we all want that. I don't I don't want that you don't want to hire anyone. I want silence sometimes. Like right now, for instance, is good.
Well, I can give that to you, Griffin, by way of saying that. Thank you for listening to our podcast. By the member there.
May we hope you enjoyed yourself. We are so happy that you made a little time to hang out with us. It's been a delight as always, and thank you.
I was just going to say, you know, but I'm just going to say get out there and register to vote. If you're not registered to vote, get out there and register to vote. And I'm going to say don't vote for Donald Trump and the twenty twenty election. I'm just going to say that to you. Yeah. That would be actually a very bad thing to do.
And don't do that. Don't do that. So register your vote and then maybe use that vote to oppose the candidate that might actually win again. No, use that vote. There you go. Vote for the candidate that might actually win against Donald Trump so that Donald Trump does not continue to be president. Wow.
That fit that on the sign. Folks, I'm fucking motivated to register to vote and use that vote against Donald Trump.
Also, make sure you're signed up for mail in ballot, because that's just going to be the best, best, safest way to do it this time, thanks to a maximum fine for having us on the network. Thank you also to John Rogich and the Long Winters who use our theme song. It's a departure off the album, Putting the days to bed.
It shreds, rips, slaps. It's so fucking good. And I think that's it. Y'all want that final? Oh, absolutely.
We wrote a book about podcasting that you can prove beyond January and go to the MacRay podcasting book Dot com.
It's called Everybody Has a Podcast Except You. Yeah, it's good. And you'll enjoy it and I'll teach you how to make a podcast you're proud of.
It's got jokes and lessons. This is final. Yahoo! Sinton by the Prospect of Merit. Palmer Thank you. Maritz Yahoo! Answers user Diana who asks.
What is the best vintage children's book about horses that's not well known?
My name is just like I'm Travis Zacharie, I'm Griffin. McElroy is with my brother, my brother and me. Kiss your dad square on the lips. Maximum fun dog comedy and culture, artist owned, audience supported.