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The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only, so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up? You call me? Hello, everybody, and welcome to my brother, my brother and me, an advice show for the modern era.


I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.


Just hear those TRV. Yes, Bells.


I'm your middle brother, Travis McElroy.


I'm your sweet baby brother, Dasher. The Reindeer.


Mac, hold on. I'll be right back. Why? I don't know if this is for the show or not.


I don't know either. I think he might have just flown off to take Santa and all these crazy reindeer, but we're still making show. Yeah. Just works just fine without Griffin.


Yeah, I think it flows better. I think the chemistry's there saying show basically without Griffin. A lot of it feels like a lot of dead air is gone.


This is all one hundred percent usable content, salvageable content.


Well, you know what? I go ahead and tell people this is a candlelight special.


Indeed it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're celebrating our fake holiday. Hey. Hey, Griff.


You OK?


Yeah, I had a I've been waiting on a gift for Rachel that I would need to sign for that I needed to intercept. So I heard.


Oh was it from Santa. I try to do that because I got Sidney a rug to replace the rug that the carpets on and there's just no there was no cool way to do it.


After all, we're both at the house all the time.


I got her like a nursery rocker to and that one showed up in a big box from Wayfair that was like, hey, Rachel, here's your nursery rocker, Gertha.


Got it for you. Merry Christmas.


There was no Carrie, Carrie, do it. And I hope she's not a listener because this this isn't the show. Oh, oh, oh, oh.


How embarrassing. Just I thought it was the show. This. Yeah. The show is continuing some really choice choice stuff. So this is candlelights.


It is hour and I'm Griffin MacAvoy. OK, let's start. Well what do you guys think about starting over now.


No, are you kidding me. There's three minutes of quality stuff there now. Well, I was going to say salvageable. OK, this is exciting for so many reasons.


One, it is our canonise spectacular. Of course, that means no cursing in this one.


Oh, but can we just. It's our second canali spectacular, really, if you think about it. Yes. The other one is a video that you can still watch if you go to Bitauto for Candlelights twenty twenty. It's available until January 4th.


It's a two hour long spectacular, full of tons of great bits and skits and goofs and songs and dances and celebrity cameos and holiday festivities and cocktails.


And it's got everything and it it's it's six twenty five to get it.


And proceeds are going to harmony House is just a shelter for people experiencing homelessness in our area. So my area I should say, although we still claim the boy.


So please go do that. If you have not already done it, you've got until January 4th. You're OK. But that's just a video. This is still the podcast Carmelites. This is the one that counts. This is now they will count now. This is the one that won this one less because it's free, man. Yeah, it's not as valuable. This one's free.


We're going to we're going to not be using swear words. If you want to gather your family around the radio Victrola, we're just going to be doing a show without swears.


Now, can we use alternate Suares? Sorry, just like beans and butterscotch, you guys.


We were like Frank, like from fracking you from to start a double double hockey sticks d sorry.


Did you say bubble start.


Bubble start Galactica Polestar double star bubble start. Glad to bubble start bubble star Metallica.


Oh Frak I miss bubble start Teleca but that we should. We also also always mention this and it is a fact that just because it doesn't have bad words doesn't mean a lot of challenging ideas.


Yeah and. Oh boy.


And just to reinforce that, I would like to start with an anecdote from two nights ago or two days ago, rather, I was in the shower getting rid of all my filth and my two year old as she is what to do, just sort of barges in.


And because she wanted me to do something, I don't know what it was probably to do something to one of her dolls, like wrap it up in toilet paper or throw it into the toilet so she can charge me about Lázaro for what I understand toddlers excel at throwing things into toilets.


Yeah, but if I do it, she can't get in trouble. So she barges you and I both know Cooper likes making people do things like she has her whims and she likes them to be acknowledged.


So she barges in. And while I'm mid shower, I'm just wrapping up.


Where are you at in this point? In the shower? Yeah.


Like what stage of the rain storm ready to go, the showers over. Oh, basically. And I she barges in and I am.


Horse caught unawares, and I you know, I rushed to turn the water off so I can reach out and grab a towel, but in the way that little children I want to do, she has already taken notice of my privates and started scowling at them and pointing in a very angry way, as if to say, what are you do with those?


How dare you have those?


And so I cover myself up and I go to see with the towel and I wish I could say anything.


She points at my now covered crotch and says, Daddy. I'm sorry about your little jumbo. Oh, great. How would she know the worst imaginable? Every word of that is the same burn I've ever had. I'm sorry is not what you want to hear about your little jumbo.


Jumbo suggests that there's things where they ought not be for perspective. Right. All right. Fair. But she said sorry about your little jumbo event.


She went on she went on to inquire more. And I said, no, it's six fifteen in the morning. I'm not doing this with you. We're not doing this. I'll put the doll in the toilet. You win. But we're not talking about my little jumper.


So sorry about a little jumbo real quick. I just wanted to say, like, yet another this is just another interruption before the show can begin.


Well, I just know, like, this year is pretty different for people in this candlelights. People aren't traveling is not so rough here. Labs right now.


It's been a rough year for everybody. And, you know, people are like, what can we do at home? We had a lot of questions about what kind of traditions they could do at home. And so I thought maybe we could play along at home.


All right. Oh, my gosh. Dutch center. Closs is believed to originate where? Norway. Where does he come from to come visit the Dutch heaven.


Just in Iceland, it is believed she comes from Spain and also believes that he travels with a group of elves who will take bad children back with them to Spain. Rad. Oh, God. Please, please get down to Barcelona, please. It is. Yeah, I wouldn't mind.


Take me away. I've been really bad, Mr. Elf.


The first artificial Christmas tree developed in the 19th century in Germany was made from what material?


As best as. Wow, come on, human hair, cat hair. It was goose feathers day dyed green, but you were in the right room, man just so festive.


Associated Bramford Funny associated British Foods did a study and found that the average American consumes how many calories on Christmas Day.


Wolf, I mean, am I trying to stay in Quito because 3500? I'm going to say I'm going to say twenty two hundred seven thousand Chadash, I mean, shut up.


How do you get I mean I mean, how much how much calories is in cinnamon rolls? Because I kind of just eat one of those every half hour.


I'm going to put. Yeah. Oh I get a little bit.


Oh he's really put some cream on the board because typically it's always good.


I'm one more with it's a two parter.


In 1950, the record holder for world's tallest cut Christmas tree was erected in the middle of Seattle in feet. How tall was it? And for another point, oh, adjusted for inflation, how much would the tree cost in the year 2020?


A more interesting unclutter.


I do.


It's more natural, if you know what I'm saying. I'll say here's and here's a problem that I feel like we are put up against from time to time on this show, which is my complete lack of sort of spatial imagination. Because the first thing that came to mind, like I wanted to say like fifteen hundred feet, but then I was like, no, that would be a 150 story egg here.


I'm going to say I'm going to say two hundred and twenty five feet.


I'm going to say I'm going to say six hundred and ninety feet. Is that what it still feels like a lot.


I'm going to give that point to Jesse because it was two hundred and twenty one feet.


No, the point is just I was four feet off. Yeah, but you will get over here still, right? If you kicked a field goal that was four feet to the left, the referee wouldn't give it to you.


What if it unless it was near the right post, in which case, well, it'd be even better now.


So the price the price in twenty twenty dollars. When was the tree built. This was nineteen fifty, nineteen fifty.


But we're adjusting for inflation now. I'm going to give it a rate of which is pretty typical for home cut trees.


Heard this on Planet Money. It's like ten bucks per feet. So I'm going to put it at two thousand two hundred and ten dollars. I'm going to say seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars.


Wow. You are both wildly incorrect. It was one hundred and eighty five thousand dollars. Wow. I mean I got to say no 2000 dollars but. All right. Yeah.


Gerfaut as I say, give that one to him. OK, it's tied one one. All right. OK, but that was the last one, right.


Well I guess the tiebreaker will be who's been the best boy this year.


I mean, not me. I'm trying to get to Spain. I've been real dirty. All right.


Justin wins because Johnson was the best boy this year. Yeah, this is an advice. Burned down. Wholefoods stolen what stole cab did take it.


Uber drove it to river, smashed all up.


Dupré drove to the river.


Yeah. After burning down the Whole Foods. Yeah. It was on my way back home.


His car was in. Oh yeah. He drove his car to the Whole Foods. The Whole Foods. Dad didn't have a ride out. It was embarrassing. We could call it Uber.


Uber drove into the river. Yeah. Well I asked the driver to please drive it into the river and I was very convincing. Yeah. It's it was a fun day.


I did want to we didn't have a traditional Carmelites live show performance.


We did have our our sawbones Christmas special. That's part of the video. But I did want to just tell you guys about a Lifetime Christmas movie I watched last night. OK, if I have a moment, because it was called Dear Christmas and I thought it would really speak to you guys because it is about a podcast or.


Oh, all right. So they really got into our territory.


Melissa, Joan Hart is up in the mix and she is the best podcast.


Or know what I mean by that? How can you?


She has her show is the number one podcast in America.


Oh, wait, why? What rating?


Well, travel, that's never specified, but it's the number one. It's on the earmuffs network and it's the number one podcast in America, guys. And here's what it is. It's called Holiday Love. Oh, boy.


And in each episode of the number one podcast in America, she it's called Like Dear and then input's the holiday there. So it's like, Dear Halloween. And then it's about like real love stories from that holiday. Right, boy. OK, OK. But so this so in this movie, Dear Christmas she is the people keep asking, so what's the next episode about.


She's like, well Christmas.


And in my head I'm thinking this is the number one podcast. It's called Holiday Love. And you are just now hitting Christmas, Sarah.


I do believe there's like a deer Arbor Day, me and him, both of trees. We were like, let's do it. I mean, it definitely means that roundabout, let's say March to like July retail dry spell in there.


Yeah, we stretch stretching for material.


I love my dad and he loves her dad.


So whatever. We're in love. That's the whole bit.


OK, but the thing about this movie is that makes it really special.


Besides the fact that her love interest played by Jason Priestley, his name is his name, he will actually tell you first off, he's a volunteer firefighter and an amateur glassblower.


And I think you should cancel each other out, by the way, and an accomplished baker.


And at the firehouse, they make the best fried chicken in town. And also he hangs Christmas lights and decorations on the side. OK, so this is a lot of side jobs that he does.


And his name is Chris Christmassy.


Oh, boy, that rolls, he would call it Mr. Christmas. Yeah, but which would have been a better name for the movie than Democrats Melissa Jannot and they should have just called the movie is not Jason Priestley.


Is that Jason? Jason Priestley. He's 51 years old. He looks great.


So the weird thing about this is, Justin, what's his core job?


He's a volunteer firefighter and Army does all the side gigs to support his glassblowing, which is germane to what I'm about to talk to you.


OK, the the the thing that is fascinating about this film is its relationship to the ongoing covid-19 Banjo Boy, which is is an it's an interesting relationship.


So he makes these little he blows these little glass hearts and and puts them up all around town.


And it's a way to thank our first responders. Right. And his sister is an ICU nurse in New York. Right.


So it is happening. We we can appreciate this. Right? Right.


I just want to say real quick, because I had a very loud side there. If you're trying to make a living as a glassblower, hanging up your product for free around town is not the way he might.


Now, he does the other jobs to support the glassblowing, but he's doing it gratis. He is not attempting art.


It is art or listen. So the interesting thing about this, so that is happening, but also in this film and like the first five minutes of this film that like her boss at earmuffs is like, are you coming to the holiday party or not? It's like, OK, so what?


Sorry, we're having a holiday party. We're in the same universe. Right. OK, that's fine. And then later in the movie, there is a ugly Christmas sweater party full of people, but they're just on the outside of it doing something else, right? Yeah. And they don't actually talk about they don't you don't see it. And then later there's a firemen's ball that she shows up too late too. So it's just her and Jason Priestley.


And that is the thing I wanted to talk to you about really, is that this movie really is it was filmed during its not just sit in a world that is sort of doing the covid thing, but not really doing the cover thing.


It's also filmed in a world that definitely does have the covid thing going on as such.


Jason Priestley. Melissa, Joan Hart, Ed Begley Jr., as her dad, faceprint, says her mom, two other her sister and her boss, end of cast in movie.


There are six people in this movie which you don't really notice until like they're having there at like a restaurant and they're the only ones there because they can only get, I guess, enough covid tests for these two and nobody else.


So every once in a while you'll see someone 30 feet in the distance just sort of walking through the shot.


But there are no extra people.


And Zainy neighbor, their neighbor, there's no waitress at the restaurant. They're like getting their own drinks. And it's this in the wild. Thing is she doesn't hate Christmas. So if you know anything about these movies, that's the that's the thing. It has to be overcome. They both like Christmas. Fine. So there's no movie either. It's what I set out to do. It's literally Melissa hard to Ed Begley Jr., just shouting about how much they love Candy Kids.


It's like Waiting for Godot. It's madness.


Justin, is it possible that there's a deeper underlying thing going on here in which the six of them are not just the only people in this movie, but in this movie, the only people left on Earth? Not well, no, because there is a there is a a brother, the sister, her job is that she's pregnant and she and the other job she has is her husband got stuck in traffic or something.


So he hasn't been able to come to where she's about to have a baby. She does eventually have a baby. And it is one hundred percent a plastic doll that is completely obviously a plastic doll.


And it really ratchets up the full blown panic attack that this film is where they're just passing around this beautiful plastic baby and they can go at it.


But she he makes it just in time. But he doesn't talk because I guess maybe it's particle's.


Maybe it's somebody just not wanting to give him his after card, because I'm pretty sure he's the cinematographer.


I was looking at pictures, trying to figure it out. I'm pretty sure it doesn't say anything when he finally makes it to his plastic baby just falls asleep and he's asleep on the couch. He stumbles in with suitcases, lays them down on the couch, goes to sleep for the rest of the film, does awesome.


Can I say something that's really twisted my noodle? Sure. Yeah, sure. And it's something I've never thought about before, but only now this movie is making me question to volunteer. Firefighters get paid.


I think they're just in I think they're just in it for the love of the game, Travis. They just hate fire so much.


They hate firemen or anything else. It just seems like a really hard job to do for sure. Fire, no money.


So it's fighting the Joker. But you don't hear Batman complain for free. He doesn't get paid. We're not cutting Batman a check. No, somebody should.


You think Commissioner Gordon's got him on the payroll? That would sort of go against the whole thing, huh?


No, I just assumed it was the mayor. He has advertisements. That's why he has like. Oh, endorsements. Yeah. He's got on his cape.


He's got like the thing for Rasor keyboards and a lot of gaming chairs.


A lot of gamer for you all. Got a gamer feel.


Do we want to try and sneak in a quick question before the break or just one quick quick.


Yeah, I'm Queequeg.


I bought my little brother his favorite Canyonlands, a stocking stuffer, but accidentally made a bulk order. I now have enough boxes of Swedish fish to open my own old timey candy shop, and I can't decide what's the best way to give him his candy.


If there was a candy shop in my town that only sold Swedish fish, I'd be so jazzed about that. Yeah, they have lots of different colors and shapes and sizes now anyway. Should I. Stuff is stocking to the brim, wrap them all up in a giant box, trim the tree with them. Any ideas are appreciated, happy Harlemites, Candy Conundrum in California and what can I just say? What a lovely problem to have. Yeah, too many Swedish fish.


Mm hmm. Oh, no, I don't need the Google Shelf life of Swedish fish. Oh, forever. There's there's yeah.


They keep man is astronaut and I think they get better honestly like less fresh when they get that crust on.


Like you got a kite. Yeah I like that. I like that. They do not spoil easily.


Yeah absolutely. OK, the problem is box candy. Candy in boxes is not great stocking stuffer material, you know what I mean.


Because it's not an efficient use of stocking space. You got to have a candy that can get down in the toes färm.


So that's why the chocolate orange is such a classic, perfect, perfect, perfect.


By the way, weirdly sold out everywhere. Chocolate kind. A chocolate cannot get a B I think I'm folks, I may have to go to Cracker Barrel and I and I don't want to. I made a promise and I keep my promises.


But Swedish fish, you're going to have to rip it, rip it and tip it into the stocking so that it's just loose fishes here in there. Here's what you could do. I think this would be fun and this is a legit suggestion.


I want to preface that because sometimes it's hard to tell every day or slap a stamp and an address on one of those boxes, drop it in the mail. And eventually what'll happen is every day your brother will receive one box of Swedish fish in the mail. So good.


That's so good. Better yet, when you're putting in the address, put my put mine in maybe sometimes. Oh, thanks. But here's an idea.


Maybe your brother, you start doing this and then he starts not thanking you or stops thanking you as a normal person would say it. And when he gets sort of like that to teach him a lesson, send it to me, because I will enjoy it quite a bit. I won't thank you like your brother does, but I will still eat it.


And you'll know that the problem with Traviss idea. Oh, please, there's this small one is that let's say twelve packages.


Right? That's what we're talking about here. I'm looking at the bulk assortment on Amazon. It looks like twelve packages. So you get twelve.


He gets a fresh, delicious bag of Swedish fish maybe once per week.


And then we eat thirteen. His mouth starts watering. Oh, cherry yellow. And then he opens it in the bags, not there. And then he has to start wondering, like what I what I do wrong. Why is every delicious I wish a good boy this week, I want my share, though I think that's worse.


That's best case scenario, Justin, because worst case scenario is then he gets that Swedish fish hunger and he is out there, you know, like ripping up mailboxes, trying to find his Swedish fish went. And it just becomes a real Márcia outrank him.


You know, Attell until the madness passes, are you get some more. How are you? How are you? I guess keep buying them.


I just feel like if you do this for for twelve weeks, then you have to do it for at least like the rest of the year. Right. Ah, it's like six.


Like when you have to pick the duration of a subscription, which is always the worst. It's like I thought you might want this for three months and then not wanted it again. Yeah.


So that's what I will, I might suggest though again just to circle back to sending me some of your great candy that I think eating 12 boxes of Swedish fish would make your brother pretty sick, even if spaced out over a long period of time.


You're going to gum up, you're going to gum up the works so hard in there that he will become more more gummy than man at that plate, then alternate between Swedish fish and Metamucil.


OK, just to clear out just to make room for more Swedish, keep the aisles clear.


You know, maybe you dust the Swedish fish, like with Metamucil, like it's the the acid powder. So they put on Sour Patch kids.


Oh what a Swedish fish like to swim in. Oh that's a big drink of Metamucil my friend. Yeah.


And they'll treat your body like one of those tubes that they blast the salmon out of.


I have always I have very little interest in marine life. I've always wanted to blast one of those salmon cannons. Yeah.


You see those. It's like, oh, we'll help you get up this waterfall salmons. Here's your here's your salmon blaster. And it's like, well, first of all, that's cheating. But also it looks like a lot of fun. And I would love to just, like, really launch these boys.


Now I now I just want to go down a deep rabbit hole of YouTube watching videos of that grievance I've seen in Blaster's. Yeah, let's do that. We'll do that together. What Justin does the ads by himself, OK.


Oh, fantastic. Oh, let's go to the Munza. I Googled Salman Blaster's oh, boy, that's not how it does kind of sound like a new like appetiser TGI Fridays.


Yeah, there's not. Listen, this is perfect. If you are planning on mailing any of your siblings a piecemeal bulk order of Swedish fish, there is only one place that is going to let you do that from the comfort of your own home.


And that stamp's dotcom last minute holiday gifts or holiday gifts that will go throughout January and February and some of March that are fish shaped and cherry flavored.


Well, the post office is a little busy.


And, you know, with the ongoing unpleasantness, maybe not the best place to go hang out, but you can do all the post office stuff from your house.

[00:27:33] brings the services of the U.S. Postal Service and UPS right to your computer.


Wherever you are, you can send out invoices to big warehouses and lots of packages every day or maybe smaller operations.


That's more focused on transporting Swedish fish around this great country.

[00:27:52] can handle it all with ease and with you get five cents off every first class stamp. You can't beat that.


They got deals on a party mail and ups shipping rates as well. Skip the post office and go to instead.


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And with our promo code, my brother, you get a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a digital scam and a long term commitments or contracts.


Just go to, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in my brother. That's promo code. My brother never go to the post office again. We'll know. We'll know if you do well know they track your phone to celebrate the holidays.


You guys, I have a new invention.


OK, what's that like red apron. All right. With Red Apron you get it's kind of loose, really thin material, plastic bag full of just a random assortment of ingredients that don't really go together.


No clear instructions.


There's like snippets of instructions that I've included in there.


And oh, and I should be clear, all the food is room temperature or worse.


OK, when you get that at random times, there's really no way to predict when it will come, what will be in it.


Sometimes you'll get two boxes on the same day and then not get another box for the next month and a half. Right. But you'll still get charged.


Let's be clear, get charged at regular intervals.


And it's just kind of my if you know, like it's a dinner innovation, as I like to call it, a denervation. What do you think? I'm sorry.


I just I've been watching the salmon cam video for the last, like, four minutes and it's intransient.


Can you imagine if a big giant man picked up your body and shoved it into a white tube and then all of a sudden you were in Illinois and you were like, oh, thanks, giant, giant human like that.


Let's put it this way. Blue apron is like a salmon cannon for ingredients to your daughter. Exact including but not limited to salmon. Salmon, right? Yeah.


You got you blast a bunch of salmon on a can. Maybe you want a nice little caper sauce with a zap blast. That's Jasper Green.


That's a series of series of salmon tubes that run all over this beautiful country of ours. And you get it and you make a tasty home cooked meal. And they're they're they're really good. And they come with super clear recipes that are easy to follow. And yeah, they also have meal prep options now, which allows you to cook one time and get eight servings of food that can all be prepared in under two hours using one streamlined set of steps.


That sounds pretty, pretty convenient if you ask me. Don't miss out on all the blue apron has to offer this season, see what's on this week's menu and get thirty dollars off across your first two deliveries when you visit Blue Apron Dotcom, my brother. That's Blue apron dot com slash my brother.


OK, here's my new invention. The apron. Never go to the office again. Here's my new invention.


It's a salmon cannon. Yeah, that as the salmon passes through the cannon, it gets slowly roasted until it arrives at your door. Fully cooked and seasoned. Yeah.


And then it lands right in your ear and you're like, I cannot hear my music with the. Yeah. And someone's like, why are you putting cooked salmon in there? You should be using Rakan, OK?


I mean, I guess that's not really great for my pitch for Shark Tank, Justin, but I guess now.


OK, well, Rakan, if you want to get a gift for me, it's hard to shop for.


There's one that so many people would would love to have and use and their wireless earbuds. And Rakan makes a great pair. I've got a pair that I use. They are my like around the house. The kids are maybe still asleep and I want to pop in a podcast or music or the kids will talk about your jump ball.


OK, they fit my wife's. Weird, shameful years, which is a real feather in their proverbial cap, their great ear buds in your ear, not going to it's comparable quality to what you get from the other premium brands. But recons started at half the price.


So that that makes them a great gift.


In my book, you can use it for calls, music, for work, for play home or on the go. It's a gift that keeps on giving. Griffin, let's say I wanted to get a pair. How would I do it? Well, you can get a pair and you can also get them for 15 percent off if you get a.


Yeah. Griffin does that guy. Yeah, I know. Ray. And so go to buy Rakan Dotcom, slash my brother and you're going to get 15 percent off your Rakan Order. That's by Rakan Dotcom. Slash my brother. Just one more time for good measure by on dotcom slash my brother.


And while you're there, if you need tires or a stereo or like, I don't know, a new jacket you like right now.


Just ask Ray. Just ask Ray. He'll take care of you. But whatever you do, do not give a post office.


Don't call the post office, Ray. Well, no.


Hi, I'm Jill Firestone. No, Manolo Moreno. And we host after game show, a podcast where listeners submit games and we play them regardless of quality with a dozen listeners from around the world. We've had folks call in from as far as Sweden, South Africa and the Philippines.


Here's an example. This is a game we called Zilly National, where you turn a celebrity's name into an animal pun. You have an example of an ill bred gorilla pit. Oh, that's a pun on Gorilla Pit. Yeah, I know. It's Brad Pitt. Oh, OK.


That's a high quality game that you you'd expect that the game show new episodes every other Wednesday on maximum fun.


Check us out, please. How about a Yahoo! Yes, yeah, I love. OK, are you going to interrupt me with a bit? OK, I'm not not miss the most sacred of Dasher.


I'm just saying, if you were sucked up into a human sized salmon cannon, wouldn't you just be like, oh, I'm dead? Like before you even got to the other end, you'd be like your own irruption.


OK, but that assumes that the salmon is aware of what's happening. Absolutely.


They are not. Absolutely they're not. Brian sent this one in. Thank you, Brian. It's from Yahoo! Answers user Daddy Bear.


Nineteen sixty four. Who asks? How do you start a new city or town in Texas would like to have the area where I live become a city? Hmm. What cities have I have wondered about this for a good long time.


Yeah, got it. Used to be a time in this great land of ours where you just walk into a big empty space and you're like, all right, this is Traveston.


Now, this looks like a city up close behind it. And did it, thank God, walked into Holy Land. Incorrect, like, hey, this place sucks.


I want to build a train right through the middle of this pit, and you're all going to love me for it. I'm going to call it Huntington after me.


Cities have Mayor City Hall here, that's you. Yes, I think if you start the town, you got to be the first man. That's it.


Hey, everybody, welcome to Cool Coville Order. Number one, I'm the mayor. Or number two, we got to get a chillis up in here.


Yeah. Does anyone know how to start a Chili's franchise?


Because that's going to put Cool Town on the map. Did I say cool town or Cool Ville?


I forgot how long you have to have an area that is. Separate from other town, right town, real city will not take kindly to you sort of making Middle City, you know what I did?


What and it's been long enough now that I think I can reveal as I started my own city here in the middle of Cincinnati. But what I did was my city is also called Cincinnati, but with one extra and in there and I won't tell you where. Oh, no.


So, like, nobody knows. Yeah.


And I've been slowly pushing the fence one inch every year.


Yeah. And Travis also has his own, like, pirate bootleg version of Babes in Toyland where they sing, I come from CIA and CIA.


And then in in in in in in in in in in in in eight Cincinnati.


And I've got my own former chili here and what's what do I put in it. Well the extra ingredient is salt.


My only beans. This is traipses 50 bean chili. It's loose dry beans.


I call it the chili that crunches Traviss. Crunchy garbanzo surprise. Welcome to Cincinnati.


That's not where the end is. Griffin. You'll never guess who you are and you wouldn't go if you got it right. No, I wouldn't tell you because that's how they get you.


If my if my town had an army.


I feel like that would help me to be respected by my nearby town that maybe wouldn't recognize Justin's making a my sovereignty just as making a joke point that many a militia is actually made in this terrible world of ours that all right, now that I backed into it myself, I can see the logic.


I'm sorry I've been so hard on militias.


Thank you for defending us from the government.


You're all doing a great job of this. Speaking of government, I think if your city immediately starts paying taxes to the government, the federal government probably isn't going to do anything to stop the city that you are annexing from. Is their bank. Hey, government, do something. We recognize that they're giving us money and you're giving us money.


It's with double money. It's a good point to have. How big is the city going to be? Big enough for a chillis in a town hall with a hamlet?


You got to start with a hamlet and township. Yeah. Then you're a town and then you're a town bird and then you're a big city and then you're an idiot.


Then you're a metropolis metro metropolis and then you're a super metropolis. Right.


And then then it's a I think kingdom comes after that.


Yeah, that's right. How are we going to get statehood, though, from my cool city. That's just a town hall in chillis so that we can get two senators there. This is a good question, I think first you need a professional sports team. Everybody's always fighting about the Senate and we got to take it and we absolutely do need to take it. But, gosh, that would be easier if Chillis Town could just put up two more.


And let's say Chillis Town is also the most progressive city on the map. San Francisco. San Francisco seems like a very conservative city compared to Chili's town.


Could you get your city sponsored by Chili's and have them get you statehood?


I bet someone at Chili's knows a guy. I'm just saying everyone eats at Chili's, probably including the Supreme Court justices. Yes, you could probably make this happen. Yeah.


It's like how NBA players eat at Cheesecake Factory so much when they're on the road because they just know that Cheesecake Factory is going to this is not a joke whenever it's like a thing.


NBA players, just like when they're going to a city and they don't know what the food's like at that city, they're like, I know what Cheesecake Factory has.


And always they were laughing. But that's also what we do. Yeah, we have stuff. I'm laughing out of familiarity because we assemble into this exact practice or we're traveling.


I know they're going to have something that everyone will eat because it's Cheesecake Factory. We have children. Six cheesecake in there. You have another question for sure.


OK, let's do this. I interrupted myself, though, to present to you a holiday present.


Welcome to Hundred Dollar Watch.


It is a dip in paranormal where we're going to talk about the hottest, sexiest paranormal items.


Now, probably do that on eBay.


Now, this week is very special and of course, it's special because this is candlelights.


So who do we have a holiday spirit?


We do, Travis. We do have a holiday spirit. But you know what we don't have with this one? What a doll, huh? OK, so that begs the question. What's the question? It's a hard thing. What is it? What are you talking about? This is listed as haunted, not doll Christmas.


Elf spirit will be sent to you new.


Never before seen that part, I bet is very accurate. Yes. So it's a spirit of Christmas, Elesha. All right, send it to you. Just wait. Sorry, just a lose lose jingleheimer around in that box. Merry Christmas, elf.


Special mystery spirit will be sent to you. Mystery spirit.


So it's like a sleeping bag is like a chase elf ghost. Actually, I hate it when you call them sleazebags. And so we're not all slimmers, ok.


Yeah. New never before seen. Very true. This mystery spirit will travel on his or her own once there.


Come on over there. Once you submit payment, how about this mystery spirit? These mystery spirits come from many creatures. Of course, the one we're talking about today is the ghost of Christmas elf, I guess.


But we sell spirits from ancient unicorns, single dragons, double headed dragons, wolves centers, weight waitress's.


This drop wolves in the middle like wolves. They're like, oh, hey, hey, Debbie.


You know I'm real, right? Mermaids, Mermin, chickens, giant Marong.


Sorry. Back up. Sorry. Did you say chickens? Is that really in there.


Yeah, but mermin chickens. Giant moths. Orcs, Phoenixes. Griffins. Oh no. Fons, Naiades Dryads Cyclopes seas and more.


Oh well I'll take one wolf and eight chickens.


Or is this a grab bag thing. They can't put them both in the same. I know, but I also take a spirit of a bag of grain. Yes. And it's how do I get them across the river.


Oh upon winning this auction, we will send you a message when mystery spirit will come to you after you submit your payment.


They can't be more clear about how, boy, different kinds of spirits travel at different times of day.


But each mystery spirit arrives within twenty four hours. These mystery spirits travel very quickly, since they are only in spirit now and are not weighted down by their bodies.


They do not need to travel in a box, say God, since they are in spirit form.


They travel to you in spirit on their own.


Hey Sellar, I recognize that they don't need to travel in a box, but could they just so I feel like what will the kids open just so something is?


And maybe also you could put a little note in there that says definitely a spirit in here, something just put like some smoke in a box.


I don't know if it'll keep it.


Just something I need something to come out of a box or else my kids are going to be pretty ticked off warning these mystery spirits have different personalities.


We cannot guarantee one personality over another one. However, we will let you know what kind of personality the mystery spirit you buy has and any other information that would be helpful to wait.


Why? We can't wait.


You're going to buy one and guarantee a personality, but after they've shifted, they'll be like, this is a mean one for the ride of your life.


It's eight minutes or so. Oh, hey, can I just real quick, I just want to put up some just a curtain here real quick and say this is all made up.


Why don't you guarantee the spirit? Why don't you say we're going to be super nice?


I'll tell you exactly why, Travis, you pretend that you are this this mystical Sellner and I'm the recipient. Hi. I would I want a triple headed dragon. Oh, you don't have those then I guess. Give me two headed dragon and one headed dragon at the same time, please. You got it. When will they be here? They'll be here within twenty four mystical powers, OK.


Twenty five hours later I'm partying with my ghost dragons and I call you up. Hey, I didn't get them. I didn't get a moment. I want my money back, I didn't get them. I hear a party going on in the background and I know that sounds radical, but it's my son's birthday and we got an entertainment dragon.


But I can't say I'm partying with a guy who had a dragon and a dragon. Semih three, three more dragon heads arranged by as many bodies as you want. But all my money back.


I'll just keep sending you dragons. All right. Twenty five hours later, again. Hey, where are those dragons? I said the dragon. You didn't get them now, but just send me a few Centaurus, I guess.


Oh, I'm fresh out. Pretty soon I got my own fantasy Ghost Menagerie.


Uh, how will you know Mystery Spirit has started preparing to travel to you when. Well, when we send you. I'll read it exactly.


Word for word you will know your mystery spirit has started preparing to travel to you when we send you a message via the eBay messaging system, your mystery spirit will arrive promptly within the next 24 hours.


That is not free spirit. That is that that flies in the face of the definition of prompt.


Each mystery spirit has one or more feelings that come with or I can relate to that. Twenty two.


How are you man. Happy still. Yeah.


You will know that your mystery spirit has arrived when you sense the feeling that is included in the message that we send you.


This feeling may start small and be hard to identify at first, but it will set in soon.


This has become some because of some mystery. Spirits take longer than other to completely move in and they like to make sure they are welcome. So make your special mystery spirit feel at home and they will get more comfortable around you and your feeling of will increase before long.


Finally, this is fascinating to learn and I really appreciate them sharing this last tidbit.


Most mystery spirits like to have the company of other mystery spirits.


Oh God, I feel free to come back. Got to share more with the spirits if you enjoy what you receive.


Now, I have been dying to know just how much you ask me anything now, but OK. OK, well, I got so much. This is not going to seem real to you. Well, sir, it's forty nine.


Ninety nine. All right. All right, all right. But if you buy two, it's forty nine. Forty nine.


Oh, boy. That's awesome. You buy three. Well, Fred, you're getting them for forty eight. Ninety nine piece. That's a big savings. Maybe just a quick sidebar.


Do you think in the Pokemon universe there's shady individuals who are like, hey kid, you want to buy a ghastly it's. Yeah I'll be twenty dollars. OK, where is it.


It's right here in my hands. Can't see it. Yeah. It's a dead, it's a dead person.


There's two more things I wanted to share. First is that this is sold by a seller named Omar Despereaux and they have gotten a few complaints because they sell mystery boxes and they don't tell you what's in them. And then people are leaving reviews that say is a rip off.


They say, well, I don't know. Is it specifically it, though, the listing specifically say they're worth more or less than you pay?


I didn't know you could just do that. Yeah, don't buy this. A flashlight for twenty five dollars.


The only thing I got rip off and it says the response from Omar dizziEr says you paid twenty four ninety nine for electronics. Please tell me how a twenty five dollar flashlight is required.


It makes like God that's a man you travel back in time. You pulled that flashlight.


You're a king. Yeah, you're in charge. I the last thing I wanted to tell you guys about this crisis elf. They describe themselves spirits high. They can't guarantee delivery because.


Twenty eighth is the December 28, that's what we're looking at. That's what we know we may get a bit more revealing if you could get your Christmas self before Christmas. That's the ideal.


But they cannot guarantee Christmas arrival of this spirit. December twenty eighth is the best they can do now. Does that make sense?


Judging from what I know about these mystery spirits, I'm not sure I'd have the sort of emotional bandwidth to be able to focus on them in the way that they need in the run up to well and also their problems.


They're booked up right now trying to convince old jerks, old, rich jerks to be nicer. And as you might know, that isn't an easy thing to do. So maybe we can cut them a little bit of slack.


Well, and maybe after Christmas, Santa kills a parrot. It's cut down on food costs. Well, that's it.


In order for a new elf to be born and has to rest in a pool of blood from an old Christmas elf, they don't talk about this.


But every year the workforce is replenished or else we'd run out of magical elves. Spirits are pretty clear pretty fast.


Yeah, you do. One more question.


I love that my girlfriend and I are celebrating our first holiday season living together and have loved decorating and getting into the holiday spirit.


But there's one very obvious hole in our decorations. What should we put on the top of our Christmas tree?


Should we stick with the classics? Should reflect 20 20. Should we be thinking outside the box? And that's from Hallis tree from down in D.C..


What you guys put on the top of your trees?


I mean, a bow a bow is so easy you don't have to balance a big heavy.


We used to put big heavy metal star. What was I thinking? Dangerous is what that is a bow that you just kind of throw it up there, whatever.


It's it's at a crooked angle. It's a bow. It's a I like it. I put a picture of myself up there. Of course. Yeah. But it's me.


I mean, it's very tastefully done. It's me as an angel, fully nude every year we. For the past ten years. Yeah.


Justin, I know you're wondering why Jumbo is out every year for the past two years we've put our little Yoda up there and that we've had this Yoda tree topper for ten years. You plug him in. Is the light saber lights up?


It's fantastic. And then I see on Twitter trending topic yesterday, millennials are going wild about putting baby at the top of their tree.


And it was infuriating to me because I got here first.


Yes, maybe. And they're all putting Google up there and it makes you look like a real boob. They're putting Tic-Tac up there.


It should make you angry, Justin, because now you've got an old busted, ugly, dirty adult Yoda up there. Yep. Gross.


I want I said watching some Star Wars stuff here at the house. And whenever I see old adult Yoda, it makes you want to freaking barf.


That dude makes me sick because he looks like a green prune. Yeah.


And now I know what he could look like, which is the baby yoba. And it does. It's not even close. It makes me sick. So I don't want to I don't want to come to your house. I'm not going to be able to anyway. But even if I could, I wouldn't because of how gross your old Yoda is.


You know what would be cool of there? Go the next step, right? Got old Yoda. You got baby Yoda.


Put some Yoda sperm up there. All right. So that's it. It would just and and here's the weird thing that we don't know about the the eggs here.


And I'm going to tell you about the other species. It's just one big sperm, not a bunch of little ones, just one big sperm.


And I hate I tell you, it's adorable. One chapter I will have. You better start swimming. Here comes my blast. Oh, no, no, no, don't move. I only have one glass.


Yeah. That we're getting dangerously close infringing on magic. Never in the territory.


What would be sick is a full sized basketball hoop and then you could just get just decent decent. No dunks during some threes, right.


Yes. What about a live owl.


That's pretty good. Perched on the basketball hoop, just blocking shots.


Don't bring that stuff here to convey my tumble.


Another tree, huh? What about.


Oh, this isn't weird. Just funny cowboy hat. And then on the bottom with that spurs.


That's cool. That was funny. I'm glad you told me that was going to be funny before you said it earlier.


When I because honestly, like past wife, if you hadn't said it I wouldn't have known.




Well, it's just sometimes, you know, things just get sillier and certainly on the show and I wanted to bring it back in to a possible actual answer. We escalated.


We deescalated from yota sperm back to wouldn't it.


That was obvious off ramp. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you so much for listening. Very quick.


Just to reiterate, our our year special is still. Available until January 4th, it's been about way for Candlelights 20 20 Wonderful is doing a live fundraiser for the Austin Batcave, which is about books and not bats.


Tickets are five bucks is December 29th at 9:00 p.m. More tickets available. Betawi for two wonderful ABC. We've got a book launch event for our book.


Everybody has a podcast except you. January 26, 9:00 p.m.. It's free.


We partnered with a bunch of independent booksellers, if you preeta from them that you'll get an exclusively designed book plate signed by one of us with your copy.


While supplies last got a bit ago, I've heard McElroy podcast book event for bookstore links and more event info.


Travis Take-Over. He got it. We got lots of cool merch over at MacroMarkets Dotcom, including a festo pin of the month from The Adventures and Graduation, the benefits, the Transgender Law Center, as well as a Thunder Man L.L.C. Patch Candlelights Mert's, which you need to get on now and proceeds for those items.


Go to Harmonie House for all sales through January 1st. Once again, macaron You can preorder the adventuresome graphic novel book for Crystal Kingdom over at the Adventure Zone Comic Dotcom. Also the sawbones book is out in paperback on December 29th. It's new and revised for 2020 and that's it. Bitwise Sawbones Paperback Paperback and Mbembe MBM BMB MBM Angell's is back. Go to Mbembe A.M. Angels dot com to claim a stocking.


I want to give a quick plug for that. That's a program that has been going for a long time and we sort of got the ball rolling but we've had a lot of amazing fans pick it up since then. Every year people in our area have this list called The Empty Stockings that is published in the newspaper. And it's for people that aren't going to have a Christmas without some help.


And every year our listeners take that list and they demolish it.


They burn it down with General Yanagawa and a good way.


And if you can join in with them, it's not a big push this year because honestly, it's been a hard year for people. And it seems weird to to to to force it really hard. But we if you can, it looks like they're judging by the progress, it looks like there are about seventy five percent of the way there. So Christmas is coming soon.


Please, please, please go to MBM Angels dot com. You can just donate money if you don't feel like calling, but there's like specific stocking's you can claim one and and help people out and there's a lot of really deserving folks in there.


So please go help out.


Thanks to John Rodrik and the long winters for these four theme song, it's a departure off the album, Putting the Days to Bed. What's getting me through this long winter, if you know what I'm saying? And thanks to Maximum fine for having us on the network. Go to maximum fatigue, check out all the great shows. There are shows like Triple Click. I got shows like Missionising.


They got all kinds of fun stuff, all at maximum fun. Doug, do you want the final. Yes, yes. This one's actually holiday themed. I know the other Yahoo wasn't.


But this one is it was sent in by Graham Robot. Thank you, Graham. It's from Yahoo! Answers user Brian who asks. Is it weird to find the Monty Python foot crushing thing sexy? My name is just a macro on Travis because I'm Griffin MacAvoy and this is my brother. My brother may kiss your dad's square on the lips. Maximum fun dog comedy and culture, artist owned, audience supported.