The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed, Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only.
So the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool, baby? You're coming back.
All right. We've got those and we're going to give advice and your. Laughter It is a common sight and say it's time to start, it's. Hello, everybody, and welcome to my brother, my brother, main advice for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.
I'm your east brother Travis. All bark no by way of mangy mongrel dog pwned macadamia.
OK, I didn't know at what point in there you would be finished saying dog stuff, but this is this is Griffin, McIlroy, Rawhide, Flea, Flea and take medicine, heartworm medicine.
Hey, can I ask you something? I love I love it. I know Justin Griffin. You guys are big, big financial bros.
You guys are Wall Street mobile.
I see a lot of people, a lot people. They're talking about the stocks.
Yeah. Yeah, I'm on. I'm so glad I don't notice a lot of people talk about bonds. So much bonds are done all over.
They keep delaying it. Yeah. OK, so it's on the tip of everyone's tongues and lips.
Finally, I think it's exciting that. The national conversation has finally veered into our. May I say our weird normal that hit that hard? Our area of sort of. You know, expertise, this is our wheel, we're in our wheelhouse, finally, Starks.
I was hoping I was hoping that you guys could take this opportunity, because I'm sure a lot of people are as confused as I am sure, because you see a lot of talk about, you know, shore dating.
And I guess the longing, I guess, is the opposite. Yeah, I don't know I don't know my my elbow from my asshole. And so if you guys would tell me a little bit about it all, Trevor was talking to my close personal friend, Mad Money, Jim Cramer.
We were we had a little playdate for the kids the other day. And don't worry, they were wearing their special helmets. Yeah. So that there was no risk of transmission and mad mad money. Jim Cramer knows where to get those helmets and the good the good ones, too. Yeah. And if you don't know what kind of helmets I'm talking about, like, don't worry about it.
It's really only for a certain, let's say, salary level.
But anyway, he it to me in this very humble way. And he used GameStop as the example.
And you know how when Crash Bandicoot four comes out and you and in order to get it, you trade in Crash Bandicoot three for it and. But this value's depreciated. Yeah.
You have to turn in Bandicoot three and one together to get four.
Even that it gets it's not exactly one to one. And that's something that Mr. Kramer, my good friend, had explained to me about it. OK, the differential between those two values is stocks.
So the price difference between Crash Bandicoot three and Crash Bandicoot four is stocks.
No, God. OK, no, sorry.
It's just. Can you help me? Can you me. I am ready. I'm sending jokes out of the room. I will explain what is happening with GameStop stocks in thirty seconds. Are you ready? Sure.
I'm so glad our show is going to stop being funny. No jokes. We're only three minutes into a public service. But do some jokes like I had all day about Jim Cramer jokes.
Hey, can we do thirty seconds of jokes and then pretend like you didn't do thirty seconds of jokes and go back to like making jokes about it?
Like I put in an effort to explain it. Good. But I also did jokes so I don't see why you get to only do one of those.
OK, I will. Then you use silly word. Shut up. I'll make three discrete fart noises. All right. During my explanation. All that good to you. Ready. Yeah. I've got to be good though. All right. And it's an intro. Well, don't start. Don't start. Don't start with one.
Bad one doesn't count. You got to do three more internal. OK, in addition to buying stocks when you buy stock, it says, I think the stock's going increase in value. You can also short stocks, which is where you borrow some stocks and say, I think this is going to go down in value and I'll be able to sell it for less than it is right now. A lot of people did that with GameStop because it's a bad business.
Oh, I was gas, whatever it was. And I a lot of fun nerds did that with GameStop. Yeah. A bunch of people on Reddit said actually, what if we all buy GameStop at the same time that don't really fuck those dudes up?
And then they all did it at the same time and it fucked those dudes up because they were expecting the stock to go down, but because everybody on Reddit bought at the same time the stock price went up.
So now they're mad and the people on Reddit have money.
I will credit you. I will credit you. One fart noise, Justin, because hedge fund managers losing everything is way funnier than any joke that we're going to be able to do on this one today. Very fine.
Now, here's where. Here's where. That's the entire explanation. Here's what I don't know. Does this affect me in a negative way?
Right. Because in a positive way, no. It does affect me in a positive way because it's extremely funny, super funny, so funny.
It might be less funny if I knew if it affected me in some way that I don't know, I bought a box in cheese.
It is that affected by specifically the food product.
I went to the store. I said, give me one hundred boxes of cheeses. I'm ready to sell them back when they increase in value. Is that affected by this? I depends, Trav'lin.
If cheeses were part of this, you know, these modern day Robin Hoods over on Reddit, by which I mean by all accounts, just really kind of shitty people still do where they factor or they trying to to Roger the big man by, uh, by buying up cheese stock when everybody thinks cheese, it's going to fail.
Now, I don't think anybody would think cheese, it's going to fail. It makes it delicious. Crunchy to fail, to fail to zesty. To zesty.
So you're telling me these boxes of cheeses are worthless?
No, not not sort of. They're all they're all open. I've been eating out of them maybe to bread, some chicken.
We're talking, but I feel like that's a loss of.
I feel like at that point I'm only getting seventy five percent return on my Chislett stock.
My favorite part of this whole saga so far has been that the trading apps have shut down GameStop trading, which is, you know, illegal. And AOC was out there like this is illegal and we are going to fuck you up.
And then Ted Cruz, famous Spizer comes in, is like, that's right, OK, get him. And then he was like, shut the fuck.
Shut the fuck up, Ted. You're ruining it for everybody. You don't get to be on this side of it. You get to be on the wrong side forever. Ted fucking dipshit.
Hey, AC, if you're listening, you're welcome to come on the show. Any place in our family, any place.
And I will say I'm going to go ahead and lay it out. Ted Cruz is not welcome. Ted Cruz is not welcome.
That's all we go unless he wants to do for tea with us and unless he can put down some plastic sheets on the chairs. Yeah, yeah.
So this is an advice show. I know I'll find a way. I know less now than I did when we started about what happened.
So thing that I did, such a travesty of justice. You just casually you just casually throw out the words somebody borrowed stock to sell it when it was worthless and now they're mad. What does that fucking mean? They. Who do they borrow it from you? Why would they make money betting that it's going to drop in value? Right, because you borrow it at a certain price, right. And then when you buy it, you're saying, I'm going to buy this later.
That's basically what you're saying. And the differential between the price that you eventually buy, that is part is right is shorting it. And that's that says this place is going down. Now, some people do that and then they're like, I want to join the board and fuck this place up.
I'm going to go I want to short this stock by going in and shorting it myself, which does not seem very good. But I like a good plan, seems effective.
It would be like me saying that Paul betting that Paul Blart three is going to be bad and then being hired as the director of Paul Blart three and pushing one of the cameras into the swimming pool full of macaroni and cheese, which is a major set piece of the film.
I've ruined the movie myself and that was a belaboured metaphor. But you get the idea you guys know would be so funny. What's that? If anyone from Reetta is listening, it would be so funny.
I heard all these hedge fund pros and they were going to short sell my brother, my brother and me. And you imagine if you guys really drove our stock up and like, made us like super famous and, like, really cool dudes.
Well, maybe wait until after our show, which is how Jim Cramer taught.
Got to say IPO. We have to Ipoh. We got to go.
We have to become publicly traded like Jim Cramer's got a character he calls the Hippo Hippo and he comes on whenever I see a bull.
Your boss come here to see the hippos rolling into the studio. He says, this is a great hippo.
I know a lot of people don't care for Jim Cramer, but he's a chill bro who has the good kush and he knows where to get the good helmets for the children.
So we love him around here unless there is a reason that we should love. Yeah, that's not a good cause. She's a chill bro who is a good and great Cushing cool helmets for the kids and has never done anything wrong.
I want to start saying that more often than just laying it out.
They've never done anything wrong, Blanket, except I swear to God, if you are about to tweet us, actually, here's a thing that Jim Cramer did wrong.
We probably could have guessed it. Yeah. You just tweet that at Ted Cruz. Yeah. Or Jim Cramer and Jim Cramer.
Hey, Jim, just want to remind you about this thing that Jim here fucked up.
Probably we've all fucked up, heavily subsidized by worse than others. Not like I think Jim Cramer may or may not have done. I didn't like it when Jim Cramer was doing stand up and he got so racist.
Remember that guy? Yeah. I remember when Jim Cramer did that. These are the words.
Do you guys ever think about how Michael Richards did go off and be big racist big racists and say the most racist words on his stage? And everybody started booing at him. And you could tell he ran some quick calculus in his head about what he should say immediately after what he came up with was these are the words, Michael, that was partner.
It should have been the words that follow. That is, well, I'll be going now forever. And I mean, Michael Richards, I'm heading out by everybody.
I'm departing the universal consciousness. Goodbye. Does anybody know where the nearest tar pit is? Because I'm just going to stroll right in.
It's me, Cosmo Kramer. This is an issue, as you certainly guessed at this point, and we are here to help. And, you know, it's funny.
I feel like this is a weird show because this is the first one we've recorded since the release of our book about podcasting. And everybody has a podcast except you and I kind of feel like.
This is the like this is the time to rest on our laurels, there's no point in improving yes. Anymore. I was going to say the same thing.
Yeah, it's like victory lap time because we like at this point, it's bad. The bad part is people any time we make any errors, people can be like, well, you wrote the book on podcasting and then so that is something that has only recently occurred to me.
But it's good because it's like, hey, I wrote the book on Pangasinan.
Must be the right way to do it. That's not an error. That's not an error. When we said for sure that Jim Cramer has never done anything wrong, that wasn't an error. I did the book on podcasting.
Although if we do fuck up, we can be like, yes, we did write the book on podcasting, but I didn't write that one part just into that one part that was a ghostwriter, by which I mean the ghostwriter of television fame.
Yeah, that's not what a lot of people wish. Oh, fuck. We should have put that on the cover. That ghostwriter helped us write it. We just put a bunch of letters down and we said ghostwriter.
Here's some letters we through the letters up in the air or whatever, and he arranged them into like words about podcasting.
Look, kind of please, please, please. I wish you would. Coward.
I recently moved into an apartment building next to an Arby's. Nice. I loved Arby's.
That's the end of the question when this is written from everyone. Yeah, I love to eat at Arby's, but because of everything going on and they don't allow walk ins and you can't walk up to drive thru and order. However, last month I saw someone bike through the drive thru. No problem. I don't have a bike, but and I don't want to drive my car through the busy road in front of both businesses just for a craving. What's the smallest mode of transportation you think they will allow?
That's from me seeking missiles in Michigan. OK, this is actually finally one we can really sink our teeth in.
Yeah, until I read this question, it had not occurred to me like how silly one would feel if they lived next to you, like directly next to a drive thru.
Are you going to get into your car, pull out of your parking space, drive around.
We'll drive farther than you would walk and then go back and park in view of the drive thru window and say, thanks again, Doug, as you go into the door trashing it.
And just like as they're leaving the drive thru, just like yell out your window, like, hey, chuck it up, I'll meet you halfway, chuck it up. I got a hey, listen, I made a little rascal style basket on a rope. Chuck it up.
Why could you have to you have to twist those pedals around to raise it up. It's a pulley system we've been taught.
It feels first of all, it feels like we've been talking about nothing but fast food for the last four episodes in a row. And that's a weird confluence of events.
But there's no Arby's lol. Do you know what I like? There's Arby's best practices.
Like when you start an open Arby's franchise, you probably are a binder and that binder is like, here's good ways to do Arby's and please do it this way so that there's some Arby's consistency. I can pretty much guarantee you, though, the people working at this Arby's would be willing to work out some sort of walk through arrangement with you.
There has to be some Arby's if and you can't just say blanket statement that everything in Arby's is a suggestion.
No, it's not a suggestion like that. Again, there's best practices.
But I'm saying if you work I had I had clients as I refer to them at the TCBY y who I would I would mix some some of the Super Bowl ice cream into the milkshakes when you were supposed to just use the soft serve or I would blend soft serve and scoop of ice cream, which like you're probably not supposed to do, and I probably cost TCBY.
Why hundreds of thousands of dollars. But that's my those are my clients. Those are my people. Like who am I without my clients.
But but Girvan, you can't assume that every fast food employees that freethinker like you are. Right. So like the risk is, is that you walk up and you're like, it's cool.
I had an arrangement, Jerry, and they're like, Jerry's not here today. I'm Diane and I follow the rules.
And now you're just out your sandwich.
You got to find the Patch Adams of that Arby's who doesn't play by the rules but respects the client and loves the client.
And the client's never wrong.
You know, I had a friend, Jason Daniel Aldridge, used to work at Arby's.
And yeah, when you work at Arby's, you know, there's like a huge loaf of meat that they're slicing the slices of roast beef.
The titular RB. Yeah, often you have to wear a chainmail glove when you're doing it. And he stole what is so cool chainmail Arby's glove.
That's fucking radical, that radical Leapai. You probably find a snake with that. No problem. Yeah, he's not an issue, especially if he's made a roast beef.
Do you think you could get away with Heelys Arbi.
Oh you mean rolling through.
OK, I'm just going to gut check this, OK, Keely's no pogo stick, no. It has to contain you in some way.
It doesn't contain you.
It's true. I said yeah. Motorcycle, they wouldn't turn away a motorcycle.
Segway is maybe about as far as as I think they would be.
A bicycle is honestly the lowest I think a razor a meter rate and maybe a razor. What about like a like a boxcar racer? You know, we just finished the big race with your Boy Scout troop, and it happens to in the bottom of the hill is in our base and you just like post through the drive, you know, just run out, wait for a car to be in the drive through.
And when they pull up to the sign, run up and hop into that car and say, hey, what's up? My name's Tyson, don't freak. Hey, don't freak out. Hey, hey. Found out this can go put your phone down. This can go one or two ways is a gun.
But it's unrelated to this because one or two ways, either you help me out or I will leave and I will wait for another car and I will see if they're cooler. But I'm hungry for roast beef sandwiches. Do you want to go? Yes, please. Yes.
This is one is this one attended by several people.
It's a anonymous Yahoo! Answers user who I am. I'm going to call them. Taison asks. If you could travel to Mars, who would you travel with and what's next? Oh, that's Catherine. OK, what do you guys think? Are we staying at Mars or is it just like a drive by, like a Mars mission to Mars?
I'm seeing how long it takes to get to Mars around seven, 30 seconds. Well, OK, now, that was a good that was good. It took me a minute to run it in my head, like, why does that sound familiar? And then I remember about Mr. Lettow and his great music. And then I was like, oh, that's that's it. Right.
But it would take about six to eight months, which is longer than astronauts currently stay on the International Space Station.
So there would be like, you know, return trip if you want, come back, you know, but what's around it? Up to two years? We're talking about bone density loss. And that's that's if we're going to do that.
I want a fucking road dog up there, by which I mean, I guess a space dog, I think.
Yeah, I think Space Dog would be the way to go. Can you imagine a dog trying to get around floating in the air? That's adorable. Kick their little legs. Oh, that's a good boy, Falcon Elon.
I'll tell you why.
OK, ok. They have to come get him. They have to come get him is the first one. He wants them to come get him. They have to. Yeah. Second one, the ship crashed into Mars, explodes like it did in Martian. I wouldn't be out there in my Dukey potatoes like that idiot. Elon Musk. Matt Damon.
No, I would say Elon Musk. The new spaceship coming that you're making Mars rocks and he would make me a new one out of Mars rocks.
And the other thing is, when I get back from Mars, with or without Elon, maybe I steal the rocket ship, maybe not.
And maybe I come traveling with them in your tummy when I come back.
I'm not going to fucking eat you. Can you chill?
I'm just saying that if it comes down to it, why wouldn't you eat here if you don't eat him when I come back, I will receive a stipend. Paying me for the time that everybody else got away from Elon Musk and I'm not, I'm thinking I can probably scrounge up a couple Meely for that service that I provide.
And I will have gone on a pretty bodacious spaceship adventure.
So I think mine's the best one. Here's here's how I'm going to hit you with. How about this Dolly Parton? Here's my logic, OK? All right. Dolly Parton, one incredible career. Yeah. Incredible career.
And it has going to have so many great stories, right. Stories about Porter, stories about Kenny, stories about the everybody. You know what I mean?
Like just even growing up, growing growing up in rural someplace, you know what I mean? Like, great stories. Yeah. And that's going to be great.
And when the when the talking when the sort of conversational fuel happens on every long trip, I certainly would think in a space travel scenario, you know, she could sing me a beautiful song and maybe we can duet, you know what I mean?
Maybe it's me in the islands, in the stream. That is what we are.
Islands up in space, better than a car. This is not a car. No, it's a spaceship.
And we rely on each other because we're in space together. And here's the other part. And here's two more things about bringing Dolly Parton into space, OK? One of them is she's led a great life and helped a lot of people. And I think she deserves it. I think she deserves to get up there, get the distance and look down and say, look at it, Dolly. You made that that beautiful blue globe a little bit better, but bluer.
The last thing I would say about it is that she is pretty old Soviet, got kind of boring.
You know, me like eventually it got kind of boring. It would probably be OK soon, you know, like it would probably be better if I got sick of Dolly Parton. It would probably be different. Then when she was alive with, hey, what, you kill Dolly Parton? What are you saying? I wouldn't kill Dolly Parton. I'm saying that she's an older lady and I love her. I wish her the longest possible life. But if we're up in space and I'm like, I'm really getting sick of Dolly Parton, you would start wishing for her death.
I wouldn't wish for her death, but I would say nature, nature, don't take a space. Holiday is one thing that I've nature to do it.
Nature is still doing it up in space. You don't know that. Well, she's not going to be able to get the special nutrition for older people that she needs up in space.
You're going to be living off of, you know, our visitors and the little packets of hard ice cream and all that.
So she's not going to get the calcium that she needs up there.
And I'm just saying that, like, it's not going to be, I don't know, exercise situation or whatever. But like I'm saying it I'm not going to be stuck with Dolly Parton for 20 years on Mars.
No, I mean, up to this point, I think Justin Griffin and I have been thinking about it in terms of two years.
But you're thinking about if we get done anything, you want to stay there? I guess not.
Justin, I would be remiss if I didn't also. I'm not saying I want to get stuck there in much the same way. I'm not saying I want Dolly Parton to die, but I'm saying if I do get stuck there, I don't even think you know what you're saying at this point.
I think I know what I'm saying. I think I know what he's saying. I just don't know that I'm comfortable with the fact that he's saying it. Yeah. So I want to shift to a more comfortable topic and ask Justin in the event that it becomes necessary. How do you feel about consuming the flash of Dolly Parton for sustenance?
And then and I'm going to pivot even further away from that, Travis. Oh, he was about to answer the Griffin.
I think I would actually I think I do think I would actually take Matt Damon. And the whole time I would be very confrontational, like you're always talking, hey, what's up, Goodwill? You're always talking shit about how you're going to do it up on Mars.
Well, let's fucking see, bro. You'd be like, sir, I. I have never said it's me, Matt Damon, the real Martian who would get up there and make some real dookie potatoes. And I could live on Mars and I'm the best. I've never said that. Those are words that you're putting in my mouth.
Yeah, right. Yeah, right. Good. Well, shit on the ground, dog.
You also run the risk, the Griffin of getting Matt Damon and Interstellar, who has a piece of shit himself that I would not want to travel with Interstellar now if I could travel with the robot from Interstellar. Forget about it, robot. How's the way it came in in Interstellar.
Yeah, he's a real stinker in that place. Really. Yeah. Oh I. I travel with the kind of hey, I think he's probably sleep most of the time. Oh yeah.
Baby changing my answer. Yeah. Mr. Smooth himself and his skin tastes like jerky.
Huntington, West Virginia's own Matthew McConaughey would be an excellent travel companion to Mars, except it would get when they get a little old, get a little sensual. There's no way I'm outliving Matthew McConaughey.
Even this, the sensuality. Travis would also get old after a bit.
You start to chafe for sure.
I don't think that he would take I don't think that you would be pounding it with Matt. OK, you don't think if Matthew McConaughey and I were together, crashed, this is long term. This isn't just two years. This is like twenty years.
You don't think maybe just just to the question was if you traveled to Mars and eat snacks, what would it be?
And Justin's answer was, I would kill and eat Dolly Parton.
And Traviss is I think I would have a twenty year long sexual arrangement with Matthew McConaughey in outer space or like I feel like shit lolol Elon and Kandos and you guys, let me be clear. It would not you would be well, you know, as I say, it wouldn't be romantic, but I don't know that. But I think as far as I know, Matthew McConaughey and I are both straight fellas.
But I don't think that that would get in the way of just the sheer companionship, joy of human contact that we would experience being together. Wasn't that?
But that wasn't even the question is, was a celebrity you like and was a food you like. And just like I want to carve Martin Sheen skull into a fucking bowl. Yeah.
And I would say magical kind of hat and chocolate sauce that we might eat off each other if it comes.
And I wait. Let me just be clear. It's the sensuality, really. She's giving us something to focus our minds on other than the desolate wasteland of Mars. And it establishes that we're together. And also chocolate tastes delicious. And that six pack, you know, I love it.
Hey, quick question. Given the recent quarantine, my pajama game has significantly improved. I now support three to four different pairs that I can casually wear on the apartment, go unnoticed on work, Zoome calls.
They're so comfortable. The nice thing is I do need to leave the apartment building. Sometimes I grab groceries or run a short errand. My girlfriend thinks it's weird that I don't change it in normal clothes to do this. What do you think? Can I wear my fancy PJs outside the house for short local, no driving adventures to the outside world and that's from Steffon.
How far my one my one man production of The Pajama Game is also doing very well. Yeah, quarantine. I've there's been a lot of things that I've had to solve for a lot of like how do you do Bob Fosi by yourself? And I've come up with a lot of answers to those things.
Theatre's alive and well in Texas.
In my heart, I think, OK, I'm trying to think of what is the complication, the difference betwixt pajama clothing and what one might consider outdoor clothing outside clothing. Correct. And it seems to me like the first thing clicked in my head is is kind of like density, thickness of material.
You know what I mean, I think that could be solved for, though, with a heavy flannel pajamas. Yeah, it's this is look like fucking Kevin MacAllister toothbrush.
It's going to be it's going to this is so subjective.
I don't think there's one answer to this. This is fashion.
And I can't I don't feel comfortable wearing pajamas outdoors, even though that is what I am wearing right now at two of four p.m. Central Time.
Oh yeah. I got my pants on because I Cortinas pants, but if I did leave the house I would put on jeans is what is what I'm saying.
But that's just that's me because I don't think I look good right now and I don't feel confident enough to do it. But I mean, you know, go on any college campus, everybody's wearing jammer's. Yeah.
I mean, you're not going to get arrested for wearing pajamas.
I just feel like I just personally, I just feel like what this quarantine has taught us, it's probably lots of things. But one of them is it's every trip outside a gift.
You know, I took it for granted much the same way everybody else does. Now, when I go outside, I take a little time for me, you know what I mean? I want to make it feel special. And I feel like even if you aren't into that, the least you could do is like gussy up for other people that are making like their big special trip outside because it would be a rarity for them to.
You want to see beautiful people, beautiful fashion people trying their hardest.
You know, and I think that that I think it's nice to put in a little put off put on the Ritz a little bit.
Now, I hear you say that, but that assumes that these fancy jammies are any more fancy than, like, jeans and a shirt.
No, but, you know, don't you? I mean, the thing about it is I don't know how to define pajamas, but I know when I see them and, you know, don't you?
And no matter how the fabric, the material, there's eventually going to be a flap that makes bathroom easier somewhere on them.
You know, it'll be, you know, you know, because they're probably fashion jammies that are not practical jammies that you could wear. But they're clearly not their jammies one might wear to some kind of high falutin society pajama party, but not actual jammies that you're slipping into for a long winter's nap. Mm. You know, like when when we get invited up to the Playboy Mansion for their annual pajama party, like the jammies that we wear, you know what I mean?
Those ones, those are not pajamas I would actually wear to bed the jammies that I wear to swim in the grotto. Those are not the same jammies I slip into bed, you know what I mean?
Yeah, their jammies that are reinforced in the elbows and knees and the back for protection from weapons.
Yeah, you do always have a sort of sort of shield back their natural shield. It's important, right?
That's all my clothes have that. That's the thing. But I don't do that when I go to oh god, I've just admitted my one weakness. Now people are going to attack me in bed with my jammies aren't reinforced.
Damn it. That's how you're going to go in it. Yep. It's good that you know that, yeah, nude, nude, totally nude. That's how I'm sleeping. Did you guys ask that? I did. OK. You read might you read my book? In the name of the book was What's Justin Even Doing in There by Griffin Macara? It came out on the same day as our podcast book.
That's why nobody's really talking about it's actually published within our podcast. Look, if you read every third word, that's Griffin's book about what's going on.
It's just didn't even do it in their. Hey, can we go to the money zone? I'd love that we've earned it, right?
Yeah, please. Hey, everybody, it's me, a regular human being, here to talk about the money zone, just a regular human being in my human body.
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There have been any like postmaster generals who have thought about like putting some arcade games in there, just like even like this one pinball machine really.
Or like one of those tabletop like MySpace bands. I think I. A game changer. Yeah, they'd be sick, man.
And hey, while we're at it, let's just sell pizza at the house, you know what I mean? Yeah.
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My brother Stamps.com never go to the post office again. Hey, they're beautiful people. Did you hear that good, good news, something about the baby Jesus is coming back, or do you mean the fact that Apple podcast is named Fanti, one of the best shows of twenty twenty?
I mean, we already knew that we was hot stuff, but a little external validation. Never heard.
OK, stand by me.
Writer and journalist Jared Hill and me the Ebony to the Anderson Fanti is your home for complex conversations about the grey areas in our lives, the people, places and thanks.
We're huge fans of but got some anti feelings toward you.
Name it, we Fanti you nobody's off limits.
Check us out every Thursday on Maximum Fun Dog or wherever you get your sleigh. Where the audio.
Dun dun. Well, that's possibly the law and order. Yeah, so pretend that. Pretend that. OK. All right. Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun. Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun.
Welcome to Law and Order, my squad podcast and a podcast profiling the latest and greatest in brand eating as it relates to the legal profession. We've already explained finance and now we're going to get into some legal some legal battles here on the lunch squad.
This is a brief my squad and I just saw a legal brief. This is a brief Monch squad, and I just wanted to talk about it, and you guys heard about Subway's tuna, huh?
And that is that it's a delicious, creamy treat on a nice hot meal.
What a troubling question. I want to say that I I am not lending any credence to this story. I'm not trying to give credence for the story. I'm reporting this story as a journalist who is not a journalist, but an entertainer is what I meant to say. This is this is for entertainment only. So there is a Washington Post story about a new lawsuit in California and there's a lawsuit against Subway.
Subway has tuna and subways. Menu says that the tuna is like tuna blended with creamy mayo, then topped with your choice of crisp fresh veggies for sure.
OK, so according this Washington Post report, the ingredient billed as, quote, tuna.
Oh, no, for the chain's sandwiches and wraps contains absolutely no tuna. In fact, according to the lawsuit, it is, quote, made from anything but to.
Now, hold on. Hold on. Based on an independent lab, tests that reveal the so-called tuna is instead a mixture of various concoctions that do not constitute tuna, yet have been blended together by defendants to imitate the appearance of tuna.
An attorney for the plaintiffs, however, declined to specify what it is, what an important what what it is not, which again is tuna. Thank you to Grub Street, by the way. I'm reading the Grub Street report because Washington Post had a paywall on this important journalism.
This is, I would argue, quite important journalism.
If there are people out there thinking I could go for a tuna sandwich from Subway today, this is maybe the most important journalism that has ever existed for those people.
It can't be anything but tuna. Yeah, no, no. There must be a line drawn somewhere. I mean, we're all made out of stardust, aren't we? So technically, there's a little bit of tuna every day of us. There's tuna.
If you take there's like a little bit of tuna, like a Julius Caesar's tuna club that he had Julius Caesar tuna burp at least one little bit in there.
It's got tuna flavor, right.
So it's got to have some well, given everything. But tuna would imply that if there is flavor there, it is artificial tuna at best.
But that's still tuna is know I mean, if it tastes people have been eating this for a very long time now and in great quantities.
And the fact that nobody's ever taken a bite of it and been like this isn't fucking tuna makes me think that there's probably some tuna in there. Or if not, is a close enough sort of simulation of tuna with no skin off my nose.
Maybe there is also, though, the I like that there's this possible history in which somebody like canid, somebody this Subway HQ and they said, what is it like?
We'll take a bite of it. And you tell me and everybody is like, well, this is tuna, OK?
Yeah, I couldn't tell you before in case you didn't think it was tuna. Wait, are you. Why wouldn't you tell me it's in its tuna, right. What do you think? It's tuna. Yeah, that's all that matters baby. Great. No, but do tell me, is it tuna. Well what do you think. No, I think it's tuna. But is it.
Well, the important thing is what do you think the thing is? You think it's tuna?
Tuna is in the mouth of the eater. Hey, Doug, you're fired.
Yeah, no, that makes me so mad. I get I get that. But do still sell this, though, OK?
That now, because I made a deal with a dark God to make sure as many people consumed the flesh as possible. What's that, Doug?
Don't worry. Not nothing.
Are you guys you guys wanna know what somebody says? Yeah. There is simply no truth to the allegations.
In the complaint that was filed at California, Subway delivers one hundred percent cooked tuna reference. Well, they go just mix with mayonnaise and used in freshly made sandwiches, wraps and salads that are served to and enjoyed by our guests. The taste and quality of our tuna make it one of Subway's most popular products. And these baseless accusations threaten to damage our franchisees, small business owners who work tirelessly to uphold the high standard that subway sets for all of its products, including its tuna.
Given the facts, the lawsuit constitutes a reckless and improper attack on subways, brand and goodwill. Yeah.
Subway will vigorously defend itself against these and any other baseless efforts to mischaracterize and tarnish the high quality products that Subway and its franchisees provide to their customers in California and around the world.
Subway intends to fight these claims through all available avenues if they are not immediately dismissed now.
OK, if I may, that is a very long and forceful rebuttal of the charges, correct? Yes, I think we can all agree on that.
I was stirred. My soul was stirred. Right. We all feel very confident about that. It's a. It's a really long way of saying, no, it's tuna, though, right? I mean, if it's just tuna, it seems like my sailing as subway would be. No, it's tuna. Just check. It's definitely tuna, but it's like so full throated.
I don't know who they need to sway to convince that it's definitely tuna now, OK. To be fair, that's just one piece of printed out paper. I was holding it there aside and so has the facts. And as you can read this printout, it says here it's true. But imagine if your subway dressed and you have had to more subway, just the subway, just one of my great characters.
And you have more than once had to respond. No, it's tuna. And think about how on like the fifth time you've had to say that out loud, you might just break and write like a five page long statement, right?
Like it's fucking tuna. What do you what's going on? It is. Tuna cannot be overstated. This is tuna, baby. On a scale from zero to tuna. It's tuna. Now, it's so wild, though, because if there's one of two options, one in a tuna, which is while. Right. Or. Somebody was eating in there like this, a tuna. I want to sue them. We're going to we're going to court.
I did. I'm doing a lab test. I want to invent a lab. I want to find a shady lab that I'll say, this is it. Yes. This is Bob's lab. Thank you so much for dropping this off. I did lose the sample, but I tested something else and it wasn't tuna.
So assuming this isn't settled, which I mean, in my layman's brain here, it looks like subway and give it a fucking inch on this one.
They're not going to write one hundred thousand dollar check to these people to say tuna because it's tuna.
This is going to go before a judge. And I feel like the judge is going to get a couple of days of the proceedings before he's like, OK, everybody just level with me.
Is this tuna or not?
We can be in and out of here, guys, just so you know. Hey, Mr.. Take a bite of it if you're so sure it's tuna. Nothing.
We won't we can't eat. I'm allergic to tuna. I can't eat it. Is it possible? Because they point out in their response that there's all these like franchisee's these like independent business owners of the franchise, that maybe the lab just went to one specific one who maybe had run out of tuna and we're waiting.
And they were just like, we've got to just put some crab stick in there or something. We just got to serve from something. And it they just hate what I'm saying. Somebody is throw someone under the bus. Yeah, that's I mean, that's what they're going to do anyway. Time to I guess by subway stock. I mean come up. I nearly killed Jim. Do you want to yahoo.
Yes. Please wait. Can we take one. Just I just need to take a brief pause. OK, for an exciting sponsor, Disney Plus Network has paid us to run the audio for this trailer that has just come through. And I need to share with you guys just the audio. OK, ready?
Yeah, sure. And if you can't be great at hockey, it's like, don't bother. I want you to think about all the other kids who have been told that they're too small or too slow. They just want to get out there and play. All we need is an ice rink. He lost she was looking to replicate such up front. Tell me the underdogs are going to come screaming at you got to make this happen for yourself. What do you care so much because you care?
And he said, oh, my gosh, this is basketball. That's right, folks, the Mighty Ducks game changers gaudens back, the ducks are back. Our show will be about nothing else from this point forward because the Mighty Ducks are back March. Twenty sixth. Write it on your calendars and we'll be excited. We got a promo code for Disney. Plus it's just 14 sevens.
Hey, Justin, are you in a row or are you just shilling for this show now?
I thought you guys would be so excited about the return of a mighty duck. Well, I'm so heartbroken that you're not thrilled when you play audio from a trailer for us.
First of all, you know, we can't see it. And a lot of the times I play my cameras. Hello. Let me try. No, no, listen to me. Let me finish. I'll text you. Let me finish, though.
Something funny in the audio happens. Words like.
But then they didn't realize that was a huge chimpanzee in a person suit back.
And we're like, good audio. That audio was just like, where's the Skate's?
Oh bom bom bom bom bom bom bom bom.
And it wasn't it didn't it wasn't funny to me. Do you know what? I'm out of your informant.
It wasn't funny or informative. It is mostly just loud sort of timpani drums.
And there was a moment where I thought Martin Sheen was talking and I'm thinking there was maybe Emilio Estevez who's sounding more and more like his father.
Right. I think that's what it was.
I texted a picture of Emilio Estevez.
So, you know, I mean, I'll look at a new picture of Emilio. He's looking great.
Gordon's back. Yeah. And I hope we see him out on the skates. He looks fucking awesome. Hey, can I just say, if if we kind of end of Gordon Bombay's career after Compay. There it is. Yeah. I had Gordon Shumway in my head for a long time, and that's what I did say.
But if the end of his career arc is he owns what looks kind of like a dingy, I think this is a depressing story.
Well, he's making a comeback, that's why. How many actors can Gordon Bombay make? As many as it takes. He needs this one's going to stick, probably.
OK, a guy who's here and this one is by lots of people and I'm very excited to read. It's from Yahoo! Answers user. I'm twelve.
Who asks? In parentheses, Star Wars, do you think the part where Darth Vader told Luke he was his father was part of the script, or did actor David Prowse just throw that in?
And it was so good that they just wrote the story around it.
I mean, that's it, right? That's it. That's the deal I've heard.
That's fucking a great thing to think when you see that all the time.
Right. You see clips from like the office or Parks and Rec. Right. Where they're just throwing out these, like, improvised one liners and they're like, oh, yeah, that's cool. That's called that's called keep it. And they were doing it. I'm the Star Wars all the time, right?
That's a good point. Originally it was supposed to be like, hey, either do it or don't. I don't want to hear anything about trying. Yeah. And Frank Oz kind of fucked it up and said like, oh do or do not. There is no try. What what does that mean? Nothing, guys.
I fucked it up. I said all the words wrong and they're like, oh no, no. Actually we really like that.
We're going to go back and rerecord all of Yoda's lines so that he talks that way. Yeah, yeah.
Jabba the Hutt was originally supposed to be like, hey, what's up? It's me, the cool worm. Yeah, but but then the actor in the big suit was so drunk they were like action.
And he was like mad.
And they're like, oh, you're OK.
And he was like, well he gained like, whoa, this is good shit.
Let's use it. I, I heard that they didn't tell Mark Hamill. Right. They told him it was that one of they know that, that, that everyone can be killed. His dad. That, that's what that said in the original script. Right. Yeah. And then they sprung it on him in the moment.
Yeah. Like Luke. I'm their father actually. I'm your father.
Yeah. What we've been so cool is if Luke if Mark hasn't been like, no, I forgot. You're not.
I know you killed my father. Come on. Do you mean to say that Obi Wan Kenobi killed my dad? Because that's what I feel like. You're saying that. All right. Why?
Why in the moment, if you watch this thing very carefully, right after Darth Vader, I am your father.
Mark Hamill looks straight at the camera and goes, someone got a call cut that it was.
Now I understand why that happens. Now it's in my script. It says, now I'm going to laser cut you, big boy.
You still, like you said, something different.
This Jesus. How about a force sandwich which never made any sense to for sandwich with extra light saber sauce, know?
And then he kills and he kills me every Star Wars movie and TV show. So what I have to say. How about a Vortis? Yeah, well, it's like the mother fucker of the Star Wars universe, right?
We're get in there somewhere. So I feel that explains why even even even Amando Fat said in the new Mandalorian when when like somebody stole his kid for the eighteenth time and he was like, I'm going to give that kid back again. And they're like, Oh man. And he said, Yeah, how about a a sandwich? And they said, That doesn't really work here, Amando Fat. And he goes, Hey, you're a force sandwich.
I mean, I will work on it. This is a fight if we if we did a T-shirt, a sandwich on it, do you think we would get the suit now? Man, all those birds are free to enforce that.
No, we can't replace the essence sandwich. No one will see that coming.
I just fucking love the idea. First of all, all of his lines were dubbed in by James Earl Jones. It was a different actor and voice. So I'm not sure it's a logistics of how this works, but I like to think he could have said anything.
You have said literally anything.
But I do like the idea of him just being like, I'm your dad. And then he slowly, like, sighed.
I looks over at George Lucas, who from his hair is like, Yeah, yeah.
That was just an idea I had. George, if you want to keep it, that's good stuff. Real good. Good. Hey, give me like four or six weeks. I want to rewrite everything. I'm for six hours or whatever and everything I did just a Google real quick.
And apparently it was intended from the very beginning because Darth Vader sounds a lot like Dark Father, which is fucking a way better name for that character.
This is dark, papa. This is dark Father.
Hey, I'm Shadow Dad. What's up? So I missed a lot of soccer games.
Hey, you look hungry. You want a soon. You know, I know I don't make up like your mom does.
I'm sorry. I can't be your mom. I can't put it back together and cut into triangles. I cut everything back together. We've made that very clear. OK, I'm sorry, but I'm here now. You want me to toast that.
Erm erm erm toasted.
I know me making those sounds with my mouth didn't toast the bread. I can't be your mom. OK, I'm sorry. Now this is Padre's. No Dad. OK, no dad it's not.
You're making a passing sound your mouth. Why didn't Darth Vader say I'm your father and if you would let me I would love a chance to er if you want to go toss the ball around, I have gloves with me. Yeah. That's why I tossed the lightsaber to him and cut off his hand. He thought he was trying to I was playing catch it.
It would literally be like if Dad was a stranger to us and it kicked in my door and pointed a gun at me and said, come work the radio station. And I would be like, who are who are you? What?
Well, the original scene was there was actually they edited one word out, which was I am your father. And then he cuts off the hand and said, oops.
And they're like, oh, that might be that might be confusing about his intentions there.
OK, let's just cut the blowups and make it seem like he did it on purpose. History gives me chills to think classic classic movie history.
Thank you so much for listening to our podcast.
My brother, my brother and me, we had to pause to remember the last part because we wrote the book on podcasting.
Hey, I want to tell you about a book, The Bible.
Why the good book? No different. And it wasn't even one that we wrote. Well, I wrote a little bit of it.
It's called Things I Learned from Mario's, but it's by Laura Cardale and is a collection of different writings on video game characters.
But there's lots of different contributors like myself. I wrote a piece that is, I think, the weirdest thing I've ever written about Seamans, but and whether or not he has it.
But OK, if you Google things I learned from my but you'll see the link on Unbound where you can buy it on the can you get a Kindle on Amazon wherever where you can find it is out on Thursday.
So check it, check it out. I think I've looked at it and read it, especially my part because there's a little picture of me and it's adorable, but the whole book's great. I think you're really joyous.
Speaking of books, everybody has a podcast except you is out now. You can get it at least MacWhite podcast book also very exciting.
We're doing a Taslim Show, a virtual live show on February 19th at 9:00 p.m. Eastern Time. It is both virtual and interactive, we are calling it. We kind of nicknamed it Choose Your Own Adventure Zone. We're going to reach some moments where you will help vote on what the players will have to do in character. We're going to be playing Honey Heist with our guest, Erika Ishi, who is amazing and we're super thrilled to play with her. Tickets are ten dollars and you can get them over at live dot the Mac right family.
We've also got some new merch as this is a new month. We've got a Boyka pin of the month that's designed by Zach Sterling. And proceeds from that are going to benefit no us without you.
L-A know us without you is providing food security for undocumented back of house staff and their families in Los Angeles.
There's also the taste of luxury stamoulis wine glasses, which are so cool and a taste of luxury. Sir, designed by Kevin Budnick and the candlelights video on demand is now up for sale. It's pay what you want and all proceeds will still go to the Harmony House.
So make sure you check that out over MacRumors dotcom and the adventures on Crystal Kingdom is available for preorder. Just go to the adventures on comic dot com that comes out July 13th, 2021. Don't wait. Go preorder it now.
Thank you to maximum fine for having us on the network. Go to maximum fun outdoor. Check out all the great shows. Their shows like Stop Podcasting Yourself and Judge John Hodgman and Story Break and a whole bunch more. All the maximum fun dog. And you can check out all the shit that we do at McQuoid Our Family. There's a new monster factory that went up last Wednesday that is in my opinion, one of the fucking funniest episodes that we loved.
It like being three. It's OK. It's very, very good.
Very excited to keep playing that, that weird game. Yeah. That's on MacAvoy family.
I think that's it. You want the you want the final. Yeah, I love that this final Yahoo! Was sent in by the wizard Ben can't thank you, Ben. It's Yahoo! Answers user. They are also anonymous. I will just call them. I mean, I'll call them. Susan asks. Why is there a section for dogs here, there aren't that many dogs who use Yahoo!
My name is just the acronym Haversack, right. I'm Griffin McElroy.
This is my brother. My brother may kiss your dad square. OK, that was the show.
All the cuss words he said. Maximum fun dog comedy and culture, artist owned, audience supported. I'm Jesse Thorn on the next bull's eye. We've got the one and only Ted Danson. We'll talk about his new show, Mr. Mayor, about Cheers and about the secret to success in comedy. I mean, I feel like one of your signature comedic moves at this point in your career is gazing. You do a lot of interesting gazing.
I also love this thing. I love that. And if I'm not, I'm going to start because that's great. That's bulls. I find it on Maximum Fun Dog Unpeg and wherever you get podcast's.