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Today's episode of Super Cell Conversations has brought to you by the new film Nomad Land from Searchlight Pictures, written and directed by Chloe Chow in Nomad Land Academy Award winner Frances McDormand plays Fern, a 61 year old van dwelling modern day nomad who embarks on a journey through the vast landscape of the American West.
It's one of the best reviewed films of the season, with 96 percent on Rotten Tomatoes and featured in over 100 top 10 lists. Nomad Land is in theaters across the U.S. and streaming on Hulu February 19th. Today's episode is brought to you by Mars, Inc., the makers of brands such as Pedigree, Eminem's and Benzer Retinol, the new campaign from Mars ensures more women's voices are heard across the world. To do this, they're asking all women a question what needs to change so that more women can reach their full potential?
Add your voice today to the Mars Global Study by visiting Be Heard on Mars Dotcom. I'm Oprah Winfrey, welcome to Super Cell Conversations, the podcast. I believe that one of the most valuable gifts you can give yourself is time taking time to be more fully present, your journey to become more inspired and connected to the deeper world around us. Starts right now.
Chapter 10, Love and Connection. I believe three of the most important words anyone can say are not, I love you, but I hear you. At this moment in our history, there is a painful divide separating the human experience as I grow more deeply in my spiritual practice, I know the common thread we all share is a mutual desire for a connection and contentment. It's up to each one of us to begin the work to renew and repair that divine universal bond.
I like to visualize the communication in any relationship as a dance. One person takes a step forward, the other steps back to energies moving in harmony, aligned and united until there's a misstep or break in the connection. If the break down is not addressed and corrected in that moment, both people wind up in a tangle of confusion. When spiritual teacher Ali Ashanti joined me on Super Bowl Sunday, he described that rhythm we create between one another as the intuitive presence in one soul, recognizing the intuitive presence in another.
His lesson is that every day, in every moment, our energy is seeking a way to connect with every other energy we encounter. And when we feel that joyful spark, it means that we have fully aligned presence to presence to the universal source that exists in us all. Everything we do, every relationship we have, succeeds or fails based on our level of true spiritual connection. So how do we get back in step when we find ourselves disconnected and retreating to separate corners of the dance floor?
I've learned over the years that the most effective method to find common ground is to approach the person with heartfelt compassion and ask. What is it that you really want? If you allow them the quiet space to respond authentically, most people will often answer with a variation of the same idea. I want to know that you value me. By fully embracing the spiritual principle that what we focus on expands, you will discover that giving your full, uninterrupted attention to one person can change the intensity with which that person shines their light on another and so on and so on and so on.
The universal power of collective energy was most profoundly explained to me by Harvard brain scientist Dr. Jill Ball detailer after suffering a devastating haemorrhagic stroke, the function of the left hemisphere of Jill's brain was wiped out. The right hemisphere, which focuses only on the present moment, remained intact with no memory or language recognition, Jill became acutely aware of the energy surrounding her. As doctors, nurses and visitors entered her hospital room, Jim'll determined that there were only two types of people in the world, those who bring energy and those who drain it away.
The request Jill made of every person who came in contact with her throughout her recovery resonated so deeply with me. I posted it in the makeup room where I meet with producers before every show. Please take responsibility for the energy you bring into this space. I realize that for every relationship, not only do I have to be accountable for the energy I bring, but I also have to take responsibility for the energy that I allow from others. I understand that strengthening the bond in any situation is impossible if you are not surrounded by energy, that lifts you up.
Now, let's expand that idea to the greater good of the world around us as Holocaust survivor, Nobel Peace Prize winner and best selling author Elie Wiesel so beautifully explained to me, the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. Ellie often said his favorite Bible verse was from Leviticus, Thou shalt not stand idly by. We know humanity is in need of the healing power that comes from love in all its forms, use your life to serve the world and you will discover the myriad ways the world offers itself to serve you.
Only we hold the power to transform our collective consciousness as a spirit dwelling in the ever evolving human experience. I know that I am no better or worse than any other being. I simply am. You simply are.
We are connected. There's the entire left hemisphere bleeding. Yes, it started relatively small deep inside over here, but it was a hemorrhage, so it got bigger and bigger and bigger over the course of the morning.
And the left hemisphere does what for us? That's our language. That's our it does our language. It's our ability to think sequentially, to think methodically, to think linearly, to be able to know A plus B will see it's our numbers. It's our ability to communicate with the external world.
And the right hemisphere is the big picture. The right hemisphere is the big picture of information. Exactly. It gives us the context of everything. It also gives us the more subtle kinds of understanding. It's our intuition. It's our witness or our observer. Wow.
It's our ability to experience peace, deep inner peace. So the two hemispheres are very different in their function and entire left hemisphere went quiet and went totally fine.
You lost your ego? I lost my ego, yeah. I was essentially an infant in a woman's body and I didn't have any of her recollection of her life. So was I her anymore?
So what did exist then? So you lost the ego, right? You lost the sense of IAM and your sense of context to you know, I am not only not only a name, but I am, you know, a Ph.D. at Harvard.
I am you know, I wasn't any of that any more than any of that. Lost all of that.
But you what you had, though, was a sense of oneness and a sense of peace and a sense of connection to humanity in a way that you'd never had before because all of that other stuff had been quiet. Exactly. And so so when I look at people who have had any kind of trauma, I ask, what have they gained? What I gained was this incredible knowingness of deep inner peace and excitement, of realizing everything was interconnected. And I I lost the boundary of my body.
So I felt that I was was enormous, as big as the universe, because I no longer define that.
This was where I began and this was where I ended. Nobody, but nobody, nobody here, so nobody makes it alone. What really matters now is love. I mean, that condition in the human spirit, so profound.
That it allows us to rise Stram. Love. Courage, love. Kindness, love, that is really what matters. There has always been evil and there will always be evil, but there has always been good and there is good not.
I was about 12, we came home expecting company, so we'd all been out shopping and my little parakeet was gone. I was an only child. This may seem strange to people, but that little bird was my companion. I did go home to Playmate's. I went home to Billy. Right. And Billy's now missing. My father moved every piece of furniture in that apartment. My mother looked under. How long you had, Billy? I believe I suppose about three years and certainly two years.
And I had taught her to talk a little bit, that kind of stuff. The company came, the child in the house. And I don't know how your family ran, but the kid got out of it. That's yet to be seen and not heard. That's right. And the family went to bed OK, but my heart was breaking and I got into that bed and I put my face down on the pillow and I sobbed. I knew I had to be quiet.
I couldn't disturb anybody, but I was crying and my little body heaving. And the next thing I knew was I felt somebody on the floor beside me and then an arm on my back and I realized it was my mother. And then I felt somebody on the floor on the other side, and I realized it was my father. And they had their arms around me like this saying, that's all right, darling. That's all right. We understand.
That's all right. And I said to myself later, as I look back over the years, that's when I learned that humanity is about identifying with somebody else's pain, with being there with with somehow or other knowing that you cannot pass on the road because it's not your bird and it's not your child and it's not your pain. Humanity is the ability to hurt for the others because that's the only fuel that will stop the injustice. You must know people as people and you must do what they need in the middle of their pain.
Don't go anywhere. More to come after this short break. This podcast and the following message are sponsored by Monday Dotcom building something amazing doesn't happen alone. And now, more than ever, connecting and working together needs to be flexible, fun and accessible anywhere. Money.com Wirkus is helping over 100000 teams be more productive, agile and connected. Money.com Wirkus is one flexible platform for everyone's work. Customizable to your team and personalized to you. Money.com helps you plan, track and manage everything your team needs to work effectively.
Create the perfect workflow for your team. With Monday dotcom workouts to start your free 14 day trial, go to Monday Dotcom. That's Monday Dotcom to start your free 14 day trial. More of our conversation in just a moment. Support for this episode comes from Cricket Wireless, when the late Carter G. Woodson pioneered the celebration of Negro History Week in 1926, his great desire was to commemorate African-American contributions to American society that were unacknowledged, oftentimes flat out denied and left out of history books.
Today, the contributions of African-Americans are known. The world over black history is more than commemorating the past. It's about celebrating the valuable contributions that black people from all over the world make that push culture forward, enrich society and advance humanity. Cricket Wireless honors the progress, the ingenuity, the strength, the resilience and the greater achievements yet to come. Throughout the month of February, Cricket Wireless will feature smile makers. They are the historical greats, the local heroes, trailblazing celebrities and institutions whose contributions uplift the black community.
Put hope in all our hearts and give us something to smile about. Go to Cricket, Wireless, Dotcom, Black History to check out the full list of smile makers. Here's to Black History, Black Heritage and Black Progress. Happy Black History from Cricket Wireless. The first mantra is, darling, I'm here for you when you love someone. The best thing you can offer is your presence, how can you love if you are not there? It's a lovely monitor.
Darling, I'm here for you and you look into his eyes and you say, Darling. You know something, I'm here for you, you offer him or her your presence and your true presence, you are not prepared with the past or the future, your project. You are for your beloved one. The second mantra is, darling, I know you are there. And and I am so happy because you are truly there and you recognize the presence of your beloved one as something very precious.
And you use your mindfulness to recognize that. Embrace your beloved one with mindfulness and she will bloom like a flower. To me, love means to be recognized as existing. And these two mantras can bring happiness right away. Even if your beloved one is not there, you can use your telephone and practice the mantra. Darling, I'm here for you. Yeah, and darling, I know you're there. The third mantra is what do you practice when your beloved one suffers?
Darling, I know you suffer. That is why I am here for you. Oh, before you do something to help her, to help him. Your presence already can bring some relief and the acknowledgement of the suffering of the hurting you. And the fourth mantra is little bit more difficult. And that is when you suffer. And you believe that your suffering has been caused by your beloved one, so you suffer so deeply and you prefer to go to your room and close the door and suffer alone.
Yes, you get hurt and you you want to punish him or her for having made you suffer. Yes. And the mantra is to overcome that. The mantra is, darling, I suffer. I'm. Try my best to practice. Please help me. You wrote to him, you wrote to her and practiced that, and if you can bring yourself to say that mantra and you suffer less right away.
A spiritual partnership is a partnership between equals between people's spiritual growth for the purpose of spiritual growth, how we use a spiritual partnership to create authentic power, how do we do that? Creating authentic power is the reason that a spiritual partnership happens. Linda and I are spiritual partners. I'm committed to my spiritual growth, to creating authentic power. Linda is committed to her spiritual growth. I can't create it for her. She can't create it for me. But I can support her and she can support me.
And as you begin to become someone who is more interested in becoming emotionally aware and taking responsibility for what you create than in blaming other people, you draw other people to you who are doing the same.
I've had many attractions in my life where I'm attracted to someone, but I felt that was really from fear based parts of my personality that I wanted to find someone that would complete. Yes, and it wasn't like that at all.
So whenever you're looking for a partner because you want to find that person, I actually said this to Tom Cruise a long time ago, that that movie, Jerry Maguire, you complete me, really messed a lot of people up because so many people, you know, there wasn't a dry eye in the movie theater and all the women went, oh, she completes him when in fact, no one complete, you know?
No. In fact, there is no way I could have been in a relationship, a spiritual partnership with Gary had I not done the work that I had done on myself because I really got it. I created a life where I was the right person and changed myself rather than trying to find someone to complete me, which really changed everything. And I know I would have never met Gary had I not done I had not done the work for. There's no way.
I think that's so powerful what you just said. It resonates with me. And I know that many people hearing it will. I'm the reason I'm emphasizing it is so you can really hear it, that instead of looking for the right person, work to make yourself the right person for you and the right person will then be drawn to you based upon the work that you've done for yourself.
The definition is so for me, clear and poignant. A spiritual partnership is a partnership between equals for the purpose of spiritual growth. Let's go through each phase of that definition. What do you mean by a partnership between equals?
If you look at the people around you, some of them are stronger, some are weaker, some of them can draw, some of them can ride. Some of them are wonderful mothers and others are wonderful carpenters. And all of the inequality that you see are all characteristics of a personality. So when you connect with somebody and you feel equal, that is a soul to soul connection. Personalities are not equal. Gotcha. Personalities are not equal. Souls are correct.
Equality is understanding that there is nothing and no one in the universe more important than you. And there is nothing and no one in the universe less important than you. All right. Now, here's a thing that equality can teach you. If you don't feel equal, you're going to feel either superior or inferior. And both superiority and inferiority are experiences of parts of the personality that originate in fear.
Yes, I get that it's not possible to enter a spiritual partnership as an equal except sold a soul. If you're not equal, then you're either superior or feeling superior or inferior. And if you are feeling one of those and you know that a frightened part of your personality is active. So when I'm with Linda, for example, or with you or with anyone that I'm a spiritual partner with, I try to use emotional awareness. C am I feeling inferior?
Am I trying to please? Am I distorting who I am because I want something from somebody or just their smile, or am I feeling superior and entitled and I don't care, you know, do what you want. Here's who I am. But there's no connection. There's no connection either. One of those is a frightening part of my personality and I know that I want to challenge.
I grew up in a predominantly white neighborhood. We were one of two black families, so I always had kind of underlining issues with acceptance and I just wanted someone to say what I already know, which is that sure enough, just the way that you were true enough. And the only people that have ever said that really has been my mom, my sister. But we're blood. I needed someone else that if they were coming into my life, I'm going to be a part of my life for the rest of my life to love me just this way.
And so I think a lot of that healing is coming. Marriage for sure. And he's absolutely been incredibly nurturing in helping remind me of, you know, when someone says something bad about him, he does roll off his back.
I used to cry about it for like a week and my feelings were so hurt. And the healing that he's brought in, even that area alone, it just reminds me of who God is, because even if someone else told me that I couldn't receive it the way that I receive it because of the respect that I have for him.
There's nothing more beautiful than an odd, strange word, especially if it's got meaning and significance attached to it. So I'd stumbled across the word studying something, and I had found it in the writings of a Kabbalah mystic, Isaac Luria, who lived in Jerusalem. The original word is spelled with a t t easy IMT and it means contraction or withdraw. This idea of. Making someone bigger in your life, creating space for another. So how does the word Zim's Christian describe what happens when you're married?
When you're married, you create space for this other person to thrive while they're doing the same for you. What that does is create space between you that has an energy to it. And we've recognized this energy in our own relationship. We can tell when it's flowing and bringing life. We can tell when something's blocking it.
And so the Zim's happens when because most people want them. So, yeah, the Zim's happens when. It's when you intentionally give yourself to another, not just. Well, let's see how this afternoon goes. No, I'm in this.
I'm in this. I think it's a long marriage.
Choose the right person. That's first thing. And then we decided fairly early in our life to give each other plenty of space on has her own ideas, our own ambitions, her own goals in life, which in some ways are different from mine. I let her do her thing. She lets me do my thing. And we try to resolve our inevitable and fairly frequent differences before we go to bed at night. Don't go anywhere. More to come after this short break in 2021, it's finally OK to talk about our mental health and happiness.
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This podcast is sponsored by Better Health and Oprah's Super Cell Conversations. Listeners get 10 percent off their first month at better help dotcom slash super cell. That's better dotcom slash super soul. Don't go anywhere. More to come after this short break. Support for today's show comes from sleep number. Quality sleep is more important than ever as we balance life and health in 2021. Sleep is a natural immunity booster and helps with energy and recovery based on sleep number analysis sleepers who routinely use their sleep.
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No stores and sleep. No dotcom slash super soul subject to credit approval. Monthly minimum payments required c sleep. No dotcom for details. If you're going to really love somebody, that means you're going to have faith and then you're going to love somebody, you're going to have to have the integrity and the goodness. If you're going to love somebody, you have to learn to be patient with their strengths and with their weaknesses.
My favorite definition that you give of love, you have it. Yes.
Love is when you choose to be at your best, when the other person is not at their best. Love is when what you want is never important. But what the other person needs and wants is always paramount. And that's a hard one to do.
But that's what true love is. Yeah. Doesn't vulnerability open the door to having greater intimacy? I think it's the only door. Yeah, I would agree with you on that. I think it's the only way there is no intimacy where there is no ability. Think about this. We wake up in the morning. We are up. We go out into the world with this. Hey, take no prisoners. You're not going to see me. You're not going to hurt me.
We come home and we don't take that armor off. Hmm. And so then all of a sudden, you know, when you talk about sex or intimacy, you get in bed and all of a sudden, you know, it's like two people on big honkin armor outfits. Yeah. You know, and it's it doesn't work.
I think that that being open is what allows you the confidence to know that everybody else is also felt the same thing, that there's real emotion that you can have that somebody else hasn't ever. Yeah. Isn't that amazing. Yeah.
And that is what carried me through, you know, thousands of interviews. I know that whatever I'm feeling, there's at least 10 other people who are feeling the same thing, which is vulnerability.
Yes, courage. I know so many comedians who feel like they've got to be funny to be valued, that it's all about the joke and it's all about how funny can you be and always thinking about the next joke. So was this a revelation to realize that you could be so loved?
I feel like I tapped into something. Oh, I feel like I tapped into humanity and love. I really feel like I tapped into it.
It's like tapped into it. And now people just love you. I mean, when I first came out the hospital, the first time I ever left my house, it was just people crying and hugging me.
And it was weird to me, but it felt good, felt good. People really care. People care. And it's made me have a new belief in people again.
Now, when I come out on stage all the time, I get a standing ovation. That's just people will be happy. But then you've got a 20 second grace period. You've got to go to work after that, get people paid for these tickets. And I go to work. You go to work.
And I know I've tapped into something that no other community can really talk about.
I've been to the other side and I came back bearing gifts and these jokes. I'm giving out gifts. I don't think most people thought of the spiritual nature of the game of basketball. What is that spiritual nature?
Wow, it's such a great community that you have when you play the sport, especially if you get to play it at a high level. Yeah, that there's this this is what esprit de corps the word exactly comes from, that there is a spirit among this connected group, active group of people.
Yeah. And this spirituality is not about religion. Of course. It's about the ability to incorporate other beings in your plans in your system.
And my best nature also elevates their nature and basketball or sports does this. It does this for us as watchers to as spectators. We see something that, you know, is a remarkable play and we want to see it over and over again because it brings an elevated spirit to us.
This was not just an individual action.
What we might have, different definitions of happiness, the triggers for happiness are similar worldwide. It's a deep social connection. The breadth and depth and the meaning in our relationships is one of the greatest predictors of long term levels of happiness we have.
So in communities where people or in areas of the world where people have a strong sense of community, you have happier people, right. And John, is it also based upon our expectation because I like you, traveled in countries where people had nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. And you see the children in the yard playing with two sticks. They don't even have a ball. Right. And they're laughing and they're so joyous.
I don't understand it really. Is it because there isn't a great expectation there? Lower expectations. I've found people that are living in extreme poverty who some of them are playing in the dirt and are very happy and some are sitting there bored and unhappy. Yes. And what we found in this research, some of the top researchers in positive psychology found that only 10 percent of our long term levels of happiness is based upon the external world. 90 percent of our long term happiness is how your brain processes the world we find ourselves in.
Your adventures led you actually in the beginning from that first trip to India, to understand that we communicate in circles. Can you talk about that? I learned that in India by good luck, by accident, I was walking through Indian villages with the Gandhian group trying to get a message of we care about you to an area where there had been riots. So we were just traveling by foot and being fed by the villages and so on. And every night we would sit around a kerosene lamp and the villagers would tell terrible stories of what was happening.
But by the end of a few hours, the very fact that they could talk to each other, that they weren't alone in experiencing this would begin to transform the group. And the guardians were saying to me, just very simple rules. You know, if you if you want people to listen to you, you have to listen to them. If you want to know how people live, you have to go where they live. Everyone has a story.
You have to listen to each other's stories and sit in a circle. And every movement that we care about, you know, I mean, civil rights movement came out of churches in the south. People. That's right. And testifying and telling their stories and the women's movement, women sitting in circles circle. You know, we are communal people. But it took me a while to realize that what I had learned in India had any application in the rest of my life.
Well, in order for truth to be truth, it applies to all things really. It does. Remember that that's a very that's what I've figured out at all of my interviews.
I thought to be truthful, it has to apply to all things. My clients have taught me that each person is more than the worst thing they've ever done, because when I meet them, I meet them through some accusation of something horrific and terrible. And what they teach me is that they're more than that crime, they're more than that worse act. And I really have come to believe that if someone tells a lie, they're not just a liar. If someone takes something that doesn't belong to them, they're not just a thief.
Even if you kill somebody, you're not just a killer. And what just an evolved and compassionate society has to do is to kind of figure out the other things you are.
How has the lives of your clients informed your own humanity?
It's taught me that mercy is not something we give to people because they deserve it. Compassion is not something we offer to people because they're owed. It's what we do because it's the way we find mercy for ourselves. You can't get mercy unless you give it. You can't receive compassion unless you give it. And it's made me want to be merciful and compassionate, maybe want to understand the people who are unhappy with me, who are hostile to me, who sometimes act as if they hate me.
I used to get death threats and bomb threats, and it's made me not want to believe that the people behind those threats are just enemies or haters or bigots. It's made me recognize that they're like my clients. They need someone to kind of get past what's created, this burden, this fear, this anger, this it's really fear.
It really is fear. Yeah, absolutely. So this is what's interesting, that living your truth nearly cost you your life.
You've said if you're afraid, you can't move forward. And so is courage something that you think other people can? Develop or give to themselves. So there's like this fight between courage and fear, and sometimes we choose fear because we want to protect ourselves, but we don't realize that by choosing fear, we put ourselves in a situation that has really bad impact on us. So if I would have kept silent in SWAT Valley and my father would have kept silent and all of us would have kept silent, then there would not have been that moment when change would have come in our valley.
So it's better to speak out to to have that moment. When you say, I'm going to do something for my side and that needs a bit of courage or our courage was stronger than our fear and that what really changed our lives, there was fear. It wasn't that we just totally were fine with what was going on in our society.
We were afraid because this experience made you less afraid of death.
Yes, definitely. Before that, I used to think that. How would you feel if you are attacked? And I had these thoughts coming again and again. And I sometimes used to think that I would be attacked, but not really expecting. But these thoughts were coming to my mind and would after us. I was attacked, as I said in my UN speech, that they changed nothing in my life, that except that weakness, fear and hopelessness died and strength, power and courage was born.
I feel stronger than before Malala finished the sentence.
I believe, I believe. And I know for sure that if you have a strong commitment within your heart, if you have love in your heart, that you want to do something better, the whole world in the whole universe supports you and your cause. And I had the simple one word or one sentence dream. It was to see every child going to school. And I spoke out for it and my father spoke out for it in the small valley in Pakistan, SWAT Valley, and the journey started.
And now it's going on and getting better and developing each and every day. Look, whatever you're doing in life, remember? Think higher and feel deeper. It cannot be bad if you do that. Think higher and higher and feel deeper and deeper. Life is not a feast. Life is an open hand, waiting for some other hand to enter it. Yeah, into friendship. Yes. Ultimately, the answers are so simple, not simplistic, but so simple.
I'm Oprah Winfrey and you've been listening to Super Soul Conversations, the podcast. You can follow Super Soul on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook. If you haven't yet, go to Apple podcast and subscribe rate and review this podcast. Join me next week for another super soul conversation. Thank you for listening. Have you heard?
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