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On today's part of my take, we have the return of Tim Wood's Dungeons and Dragons with Tim Woods. We have Rob Schneider, great interview with Rob Schneider. Talk a little Bohner Dogs, of course, we talk some NBA playoffs. Game seven was tonight, the slop fest. Good defense, bad offense, whatever you want to call it. Recap also, the rockets choking yet again. And we're going to get to all that in a second. But before we do that, part of my take is brought to you by the cash app.


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Right. Military violence, I'm not I'm oh, do you like it? I don't with you, it's part of my 10 percent higher bar stool sports.


Welcome to part of my take. Is anybody the cash? Go download it right now. Use Code Bar so you get ten dollars for free. Ten dollars to the ASPCA.


Today is Tuesday. September. Wednesday. Wednesday, September 2nd. It is Tuesday, but it's Wednesday, September 2nd. Holy shit. We're in September. Wake me up in September, baby.


Yeah. Somebody wake the guy up from Green Day. It is. Doesn't feel like September.


What's that, Hank? With that guy up when it ends. Wake up. Wake him up. Now, I got something to say to you, Maggie. It's late September. I will wait for that. Billy's going back to school. All right. So we're here, guys. Early September. What? The 21st night of September?


I do. I remember that. Yeah. What? Burn it down on Earth. Wind Fire. Oh, OK. September eleventh. Never forget.


OK, let's start this. Oh dude. That's you don't fucking forget. It never will be. Right. Right. All right. Game seven, game seven. Game seven was sloppy. Game seven was sloppy. Also good defense. We had the lowest I think it was the lowest playoff game since like 2010. Of course, we've had the over whatever. But the Nuggets advance.


Jamal Murray, I think he was hurt a little bit. Donovan Mitchell had his third quarter where he went off. It was it was a crazy, crazy ending to an insane series. Not exactly how we expected to go series that was like fast paced scoring left and right. It ended up being a throwback to like the Pistons and Spurs. But that ending with Mike Conley missing a buzzer beater after I don't know why they were shooting a layup was insane.


It was crazy. Yeah. The three at the end had like three rooms. They had all these basically Kawhi shot. If it didn't go in, it was it was an ugly game. I went back and looked at the box score. The Nuggets went over seven minutes without scoring a point. Yes, that's impossible to do. I my only theory is that they don't have their legs right now because they've been fucking because their wives are there as well.


Jamal Murray, we know they're able we don't want to leave that video. The Internet deleted that video.


I forgot it. I totally forgot about it.


His friend, very, very he she asked if you have the video, delete it. And we all said, OK, yeah.


I'm just upset that we're not going to get Quin Snyder out of this series. There's one thing that I wanted moving forward, and that's just more shots of Quin Snyder on the sideline in his little skinny jeans. Yeah, Quinn, everyone says that he looks coked out. I don't think that. I think he looks like I think he looks like he used to be coked out. Yeah. He looks like the neighbor of a he looks like Jordan Belfort neighbor who comes over to, like, complain about the Coke parties is like maybe I'll just do one line and toss the door.


Totally normal. Totally normal. Look, also, I just have like big place in my heart for Jokic because when you can hit a hook shot in twenty twenty and have like the big man moves and Rudy Gobert so fucking good defensively. I just I love that. I mean he had the game winning shot with that with that right. Right handed hook shot in the game. It was crazy, it was terrible but it was also good and thrilling and I guess that's, that's definitely the best series of round one.


Even though we still have a Game seven going tomorrow, which I'm just sick.


We'll get to the Rockets in a second. The rockets are like the Clippers. When I was like, blow this thing up. That's what the rockets are now. I feel sick of the rockets.


I feel like if this wasn't a game seven, we would be like, get these teams out of my face. But it was a game seven. We're now we're going to the excuse of like both teams were amped up and had that playoff level and they were gone missing when in reality was just a shitty there was there was there was a stretch where it was like five or six straight shots. Open shots were guys were just barely grazing the front of the rim.


It was really bad. It looked like there was a stretch where it looked like every pickup basketball game is going to look like when people can start playing pickup basketball.


But since it was game seven, you know, like the crowd was a little bit more intense, all this stuff that added up to being like a heightened atmosphere. All right.


Before we get to the other series, quick question. Jamal Murray and Donovan Mitchell hug afterwards. They've known each other for a long time. Louisville, Kentucky rivalry. If you're Donovan Mitchell, like I always think of the guy who loses in that situation, I would deny the hug. Well, I might get the fuck out of him. It was a quick hug. Yeah, but I do when I get out of my face. You know what it was like, it was like a Jake Marsh, Hank Lockwood post game and ping pong, whoever wins is always the very first over to be like that.


Great game, guys. I just great. I'm with you because I know that if you get beat by somebody and they're like very eager to say, man is such a great battle. No, get out of my face, please. Yeah, it was a little bit quick, but call a poor sport. That's fine. I think that the nuggets are going to smoke next round. Yeah. I don't care how many inches they have on their teams.


Clippers minus of are a million units. Clippers game one. My computer's not playing the replay. The one hireable game.


It's going to be a quick highlight. All right. So other series, we have rockets blowing it, the Rockets dude, Russell Westbrook to the new Clippers. I just Russell Westbrook like being Russell Westbrook and just making comical errors down the stretch. And then James Harden. Will James Harden never get in shape?




I mean, he's late to the bubble.


Everyone was saying because he was out of shape, he showed up super fast and he's not like he's not fat. No he's fat but he does that like he'll do it in a game. He'll drive really hard to the hoop and then the next, like three plays like, I'm not running up and down, but, you know, I'm taking a few plays off.


You know how it is with hotel life. I guarantee you that happens the same way he went to the bubble. He's like, oh, I'm going I'm going to a hotel. I'll pack my workout gear and I'm never going to take it right to my extra shoe.


I wake up at seven a.m. for a three mile run on the treadmill. It never happens. He just stays in his room and kicks off three times.


And Chris Paul, this league, Chris Paul was unbelievable. Did the stare down, which wasn't really a stare down.


Well, when you look, Paul, you can never really tell Mr. Miski throw when all the way she wants to do that. Come on. Because it's a similar situation on screen cap. You have to put the screen cap was worse than the actual.


You have to I'm defending you have to pace yourself with a mixture. Besuki refereeing a whole season. Come on, man. Now they're now you know what? Now, the first three times I make a risky joke, it's old hat. It's going to be old hat old have to power through the first three references and get to the point where it's funny because it's so old.


Again, Chris Paul, though it was correct. Chris Paul's personality makes you forget how good of basketball he is because he's the worst. Any time people nuts, any time of guy shit. But he's awesome.


If the guy that can most closely impersonate you is the dude from Fresh Prince of Bel Air, then it just it goes to show then you're not an elite athlete anymore, although I still think he would be, you know, top three, top four U.S. men's soccer player.


Yes, easily. Take a moment to talk about the Celtics and Marcus Smart shooting five. Marcus Smart, Marcus Smart being the guy who like if he hits one shot, you know, he's taking two and then it just rolled into five.


Well, in the past five years, it's, you know, like five years ago, he was like, I never shoot, but he would shoot all the time. And he's just he's just shot his way into being a good shooter. Right.


Beautiful to see. What if he hits one? You know, he's going to take it again right away. Yes. And it just rolled into five in a row and was like, holy shit. There's absolutely no difference in Marcus Smart's body language when he's just made five three pointers or when he's just airball five three. Right whatsoever. If he just makes him, he's just he's mad that they didn't count for more than three. Yes.


I think championship I don't see I don't see why he's beating them.


OK, definitely not the Bucs because they stink. Yes. By the way, thanks. Are bringing the heat. Jimmy. Jimmy Butler. I think we're witnessing the emergence of a top twenty player in the NBA. I am fully on board. Come. Where has this guy been his entire career? Because he woke up. Dude, he's awesome. And the quote that they had from yesterday was even better when he said no disrespect to families, but if it were up to me, we wouldn't even be bringing in the wives and the children because this is a business trip.


It's four guys only. He went he went full Mike Milbury. Yeah. And so he went he went, dudes rock.


Right? Bubalo You actually you're going to say Jimmy Butler might be good.


I think now Jimmy Butler is a top twenty NBA player. He, he it's the culture down in Miami that's big of you. Yeah. I mean. Well listen, if the shoe is fucking awesome. Yes. I love it. I love Jimmy BOQ. No you don't. I actually do not. I think he's very good just from last night. Well and he was really good on the seventy six or so.


He Jimmy Butler's a guy who just he has an edge like he, he will be like fuck you to everyone and win a game in the playoffs or win a playoffs or maybe not a playoff series and done that a bunch. But he will be like fuck you, I'm going to be the best player on the court tonight. And I love Jimmy Butler. I still yeah.


The Timberwolves thing was weird. The Sixers thing was weird. The Bulls, the front office deserves all the blame for that one. So Jimmy Butler, you're cool. I do like the slogan no disrespect to families before you say anything else.


Yeah, like it's the anti LeBron as a father of three.


You you liking Giba is going to be the ultimate like turn of twenty. Twenty. Am I going too much. But no, I don't think so. Yeah I don't think so. Well I was throwing it out there earlier today like he is on your heat too.


Yeah. Your heat if you if you listed wing players. So I like it's hard to say because his position was basketball in the NBA now, but like if you had a list wing. The players that you want to take the last shot and defend the last shot, the list is like you obviously throw LeBron in there if you want if you want to come away. But like Kawhi Paul, George Klay Thompson and Jimmy Butler and I take Jimmy Butler over.


Paul George, it's not a long list of guys who fit that mold of like take the last shot, defend the last shot. You're that dude. Jayson Tatum. Jayson Tatum is on the way.


Yes, he's really good. Yes. Jimmy Butler. I'm just saying, like he feels like a guy that is so he's the one who's most fun, not necessarily with being in the bubble, but he wants to prove that he's more mentally tough than everybody else. So he's like that guy that'll stay in the sonor for too long, be like, I'm fine. What are you guys? Probably is more mentally tough. Yeah. And meanwhile, he's like, his skin is cooking, but he's like, you know what, I don't care.


I can do it and be coming off Twitter. Oh yeah. He was sub tweeting like, wow, that was great. When you gave two hundred million dollars to Tobias Harris and Al Horford. That's got to hurt to watch Jimmy Butler do that. That's right.


How much did they give to Horford. A million. I mean it's when Horford opted out for the Celtics being like Wait who else is going to give you money.


Oh for years or years. One or nine brown and what's Tobias Harris. This has now become a bashfully sorry Philly. You won the Flyers won tonight so congrats on that.


Five years one eighty oh five years. One eighty four. Sometimes you get impatient in this league man. You gotta trust the process. Well that makes Zach Levine for you.


I mean look also at the Fred VanVleet contract he's going to get will also be discussing.


Yes Fred VanVleet got Fred VanVleet got a great bootie He's great like he's the PJ Tucker of Canada He gets he gets space with that boot He's built like a fire hydrant.


Yeah he does that slow slow down dribble where like where someone like runs in him and gets a foul. I love that. Also the Raptors Celtics series is going to break the record for most like hey ref. Like what the fuck. Where was that call both teams just all night. What. Yeah dude.


I mean the Raptors are the I mean how long James is still in the NBA, how long is the number one in the NBA for that.


But I feel like they they had a really nice run tonight of that.


If it's LeBron versus the Rockets, I feel like that will be. Yeah, that's right. Versus Iraq. Yeah. Harden and LeBron and LeBron James look for fouls.


Yes, yes, yes. LeBron, meanwhile, just resting. Good for him. Not good. Not good, Hank. For who? For anyone who's a LeBron hater. OK, I count myself in that group. Could be me. Huh.


What do you. Oh so now he likes Jabbar and you like LeBron. No, no, no. All right, let's get to hotsy cool thrown hotsy Calderon is brought to you by Bud Light Seltzer on the hot seat this week. Our beer runs with sports. Bring back our friends at Bud Light. No, you can't miss any precious seconds of the game. Head to Bud Light dot com slash delivery and get ice cold. Bud Light and Bud Light seltzer delivered straight to your door so you don't have to miss any action.


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Hank, my hot seat. I have a few. Oh, OK.


The first one is anyone who drafted Early for fantasy and they took Alvin Kamara. Yep. He is on the trading block now, which is I mean, a lot of people probably took them in with their first pick first round.


That's like the worst thing you can see is the on the trading block or they're just negotiating a contract right now. IRA, today is on the trading cameras.


On the trading block. Yes. Imagine imagine how much Bill O'Brien would be willing to give up for Alvin Kamara. Like his entire team, he'd be what he trade himself to the Saints for Alvin Kamara.


I'm just going to say Leonard Fournette is out there. True. Bill O'Brien would try to trade like a second rounder in next year's third to the waiver wire.


I just want Leonard Fournette on the Bears just so I can be like, how can you lose when you have the second and fourth pick in the twenty seventeen?


I mean, I feel like he's destined to go to the Falcons, right. They already have Todd Gurley all the first round. They have Todd Gurley.


But I just want that because I really would sell myself on being like if you go back in time and get the second and fourth pick in a draft, that team would be a juggernaut.


I refuse to believe that that any team would be dumb enough to trade away Alvin Kamara right now. Like, why if you're the Saints. Well, I guess you have to know he can do it all.


Yep. Have Taysom line up as a franchise quarterback and halfback?


I'm pretty sure it was. They put him on the trading block just like a, you know, a negotiation tactic, haha, just a prank.


But if you drafted him, I got to say, it's a terrible thing before the season even starts. I'm at the house. He was myself. I got my broke my phone the other day because I didn't have my case on and like that's a good move Hank.


No, I broke all I know. I was almost instantly solid. I like it.


So I need a new one and I don't have a fucking home button anymore. And it's drive me crazy.


Oh, yeah. It's going to take some getting. I noticed that you didn't get the red iPhone. Do you hate AIDS charity.


So I got a crush on you had. How old was your phone. The iPhone eight. Would they go over to the home button a long time ago. I feel like that was two years ago.


Hank had a Motorola Motorola Razr.


This is my first time experiencing it and it. Sucks used to you said not a fan in my cool thrown out of a few, my first one is Magic Johnson's analysis.


Oh, he's been good. He's been I actually wanted to talk about that. I think the party's over because cowards in on the joke now. Really? Yeah. We've got to move. Coward, coward. Quote, Judy, Majken was like great insight. And it was at that moment that a small piece of me died. It was like, all right, it's over.


No more making fun of magic tweets you like a ham fisted analogy about it wasn't like this. So he is the person happy it took him three, four year movie making fun of matter since the beginning of the show. Not saying we invented it, but like coward. Now figuring it out in twenty twenty.


It's done. It sucks.


I'm so excited for Denver versus Utah Game seven. And to see Jamal Murray with Donovan Mitchell for Denver to win Jokic Gary Harris, Paul Millsap or Michael Porter Junior has to step up for Utah to win. It's on Mike Conley, Jordan Clarkson, Joe Ingles or Rudy Gobert. A step up.


All right. Yeah that's the tweet you nailed.


The other cool thing that Josh would be very upset that you did not get a red iPhone. Yeah, Tyler Perry. Why he's a billionaire. That's it. He's a billionaire.


Beware our personal Tyler Perry. Although the fucking eat.


I read it, I read it and then I clicked the article to get more information. And the only place that stays said is his book, which is titled Pourers How to Billionaire.


So there's a chance that's like Tyler Perry is just saying he's a billionaire, but he's not actually going to write a book on what it's like to be a billionaire.


I'm going to say probably pretty sweet.


Yeah, I feel like the Gullets want to say, like, you're a billionaire these days. People, they're not so happy about that. Jeff Bezos got that getting out in front of his house, ready to chop it off, give him a really nice close shave to the head.


Hmm. Is that a tank? Yes, we're all done here. OK, I'm jumping I'm making it pretty brief because it's a tight show.


We got a couple of interviews coming up. My first hot seat is C.J. McCollum. C.J. McComb's in the hot seat. He tweeted out earlier tonight, who wants to play fantasy? Hit me up. I replied to him kind of as a joke, but it was like also kind of serious. I was like, what's up? And then he invited me to play in his league. I was like, that's awesome. That sounds like fun. I get a text from him where he puts me into his fantasy football group chat.


And the name of the group chat is Fantasy Football High Rollers.


Right. And I'm like, wait a second. What? And so it turns out a thousand dollar buy in. Yep. I don't I don't think I can back out, but we decided as a group that we would all share ownership of the team. So now we're in C.G. McCollum's fantasy football team in his league. Our team name is Blaster Face Off. And so we're going to I guess we're just going to dominate CJ McCollum.


Yeah. Wow. Let's do it. What? I just got tweeted this picture and it says Hank on vacation again. And it's a guy has a bumper sticker on his boat with ah, he copyrighted our logo and it says part of my lake.


Whoa, that's pretty good. Go. Let us come on the boat, dude. Yeah, we should be. We the fact we have been invited on that boat is a slap in our face. You know what?


We're going to sue you for trademark infringement, for copyright infringement unless we get an invite on the boat. These are our terms are not negotiable. But yeah, we're in SEJIMA College Fantasy for ten thousand dollars. Buy it. It's a twelve team league. Let's just let's just do and be legends.


Yeah, I was saying we should just draft all Browns and them. They'll be great in like finish. Well no the thousand dollars kind of makes that. Yeah. But it'll be good. Thousand dollar prank. Yeah. And then ah if we do happen to win we can just like waste and blow that eleven thousand dollars on the most ridiculous thing possible.


Like let's get ten more lotto machines. Yes. And then we can have ten going the time. Yes. That would be sick when Helvey. So actually let's, let's seriously do that. No I'm getting a lotto machine. No you don't sell me. Fuck yes. Now I'm excited to change my life. Guess what's significant now we're winning. And my cool throne is Antonio Brown. He's on the cool throne because allegedly a video came out of Tiana Trump, one of my favorites, giving him a Hummer inside his gym.


They, like, identified the walls of his gym as Richard Molly. Watch the green one that he always wears. And, yeah, he was just getting he was getting that good. The websites from China Trump. Nice.


So I think Antonio Brown is also back.


We also had Antonio Klown moment where someone tweeted, we should have called it September instead of September. Yeah, that's like September.


Did you see no. Simsim September. Yeah, I not sipping no September. Parta even harder. We ain't Antonio. They're I'm going to join you by the way, in September. Yeah. Something we're going to get fucked up though.


Four days after Labor Day. OK, four beers this month. Let's do it fellas. And I think for the four year old to be like four times I drink that month.


Yeah. We get one of those like the IPAs that are like nineteen percent alcohol. Mm. Just fuck your Dohm up. What do you think Shannon Sharpe's nickname for Antonio Brown would be? What do you mean like with the trumpet? Oh, I don't you can't go clown anymore because she's got the white stuff on her face now.


Antonio blew out, blown came and works and blown yo brown that work and blown Joe Brown. That's what it is.


Antonio B.J. sound like like he's Swedish Jones. Yeah. Yeah.


Like a couple of top couple nuts. All right. So my hotseat is Henck, my hotseat is Hank Narey for myself and yeah I witnessed something today that was truly remarkable.


I was in the studio playing Hank. Guys know. I know.


I was I was in the studio playing four guys and Hank one hundred percent serious like no joke whatsoever in his tone comes in here. Billy sitting on the couch he goes Hey Billy, I fell on my skateboard and I feel like I got some fluid in my hip. Can you take a look at it for me?


And I just sat there and I was like, What are you pretending like Billy's your doctor. And Billy gave him an actual medical like diagnosis and that was it.


Billy, what's the prognosis was you have he's got fluid bursts of bursts in his hip.


It was fucking incredible.


Like they were not joking. No jokes whatsoever. Hank was like, Billy, I need you to look at my hip. It's all jacked up. And he was like, whatever Billy was going to say, Hank was going to be like, Thank you, doctor. Do I like, oh, a copay here or something like me, like do more squats.


It's like when you, you know, like, you know, you're probably the right thing to do. So you go talk to your friend like, oh, should we go out tonight and you go talk to the one friend that's like yes, let's go out tonight. Like I want to I just need to hear from someone that's like it's probably fine.


But he said it wasn't right.


But he said it's probably your problem here, Hank, is you got no ass. And if you had a little more ass, then you probably went and banged up your bone that much.


I also so Hank does have fluid in his head. Made me almost gag. I really want to poke it with a pin. Yeah. I think it's the only way to drain it. Can we see it. Let's get a second opinion or else.


Also I will say because the know people I hopefully people are like it, you'll be fine because I really want to go to the doctor but a lot of people help me with my Internet problem.


OK, so thank you guys.


But yeah, it was definitely an awakening moment for me. Like you are the company you keep. Hank is acting, asking Billy for Dr. Price pretty much showing his dick right now.


Yeah, I think that just looks like a normal cylinder.


Oh, he slapped it like took out his fucking. It's actually gone down in it. He took out the wall. He's gone down, took out the fucking. I can feel the dentist glasses with the little light at the end the minor light and feel it. And he looked at it and he likes callipers. Yeah. Check it out. Well he did like the plastic surgery he started. He started doing circles with a Sharpie on it. That's that's just a bruise.


You just just poke it with something. Hank, be a man. He's just got a normal rules on his hip pointer.


Yeah. Put your pubes away. Hank's really just changed his diagnosis. I just I just. That's what they describe you. I don't know. Do in some zone.


It was unbelievable. I really had to question everything just like, what are we doing here?


I mean, well, you're as you're playing a ten year old's video game. Yeah, no, that's fine. That's fine. Like I was listen, I'm going to play a game, so I beat it and then I'll never play that game again. I just it was a shocking moment.


I just I love I love what went through your head because I've I've thought the same thing. Like, if you have an injury that you could have sustained playing a sport, then why not go to somebody that's played sports before?


Yeah. And Billy was just like, yeah, let me take a look.


Just guys, I just knew I knew Billy had the best chance of telling me that I'm fine.


And to not see a doctor on such a process. When am I going to do that.


Think if you went to a doctor with, with that injury, I would hope that they would throw you out OK, because little.


Thank you. We're going to a global pandemic. Give me your hand because your ass has a booboo on this.


Oh, coronavirus doesn't exist anymore. That's right. Cool throat. Oh yeah. We did it. Pulsing bass Big Ten football back did it right. Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug. I don't know, I'm just gonna get my hopes up again. I don't know whatever.


I think it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. It's, you know, it's good.


It's encouraging that you still feel something. Yeah. No, it's it's it's what we said right at the beginning of this stuff when they canceled March Madness. Like, don't we're stupid. If you just keep delaying it a couple weeks, we'll just keep like we'll just diet ninety being like, are they going to play the twenty twenty Big Ten football season.


I guess like I'll do that. It's it's September 2nd today I guess for the people listening a month never forget. And one day I will be Saturday, October 3rd for College Slate.


That's what I'm asking you. Oh, no, I just hear me. Did you hear I was like, what do you know? Have you been talking to sir? No, I'm asking you guys know the PAC, the PAC 12 isn't coming back now, which is crazy. You haven't heard anything about that.


But no, Larry, Scott is going to be out, which is good to shout all my PAC 12 people like finally Larry Scott's going to be out. I love that.


Larry Scott is the warlord of the PAC 12. He's the worst. Yeah, he's the worst. But yeah. October 3rd. No, I, I mean, I'm just going to hurt myself by just saying it.


But I like if they start late and then they go undefeated, like how does that work. They win.


Everything that's going to be the most beautiful part is undefeated Ohio State fans being like, yo, we're like six a.. And in Davos, twenty being like we're not getting enough respect because the Big Ten decided not to play until October.


Yeah, I'm going to yeah. I mean, if I saw a projected schedule in like Wisconsin not to play Penn State or Ohio State, they'd go undefeated.


And I'll absolutely be like, they're the best team, really. That's all we know they have. They played play. We played fucking Indiana. I'm like, I don't care.


All we need right now is just for them to release more schedules. Yeah, I don't care if you take it back just like it. I'm sure your schedule is just key. We'll start circling dates on our calendars. You know what?


I'm stupid enough to just keep buying the idea that it's going to happen eventually. Knowing it probably won't put my dog brain takes over. I'm like, yeah, no October. We're good.


I also think that the Big Ten should just play next year and call it twenty ten or twenty twenty. Good. I feel like just in general, sports should take on the mantra of twenty twenty never happened. Next year's twenty twenty. We're wiping this year from our brains like it's like it's men in black. You show up at our door and this this year never happened. The virus never happened. Let's just reset.


You know, they shoot, they should lean into the fact that like no one has any idea what's going on. Surprised me. Big Ten. I just play a game randomly. Just save one point on like a Tuesday in October. I just want to see, like, just put an alert, like Tuesday morning. I wake up like seven p.m. Iowa, Ohio State.


I would take Roker's against now. Now we're going to I believe next summer's still being branded as twenty twenty Olympic perfect.


OK, twenty twenty. You never happened. And I also forgot to mention this in case you're wondering why my tastes are so great nowadays, I bought the Sports Illustrated brain formula. So my brain is operating on such a high plane right now, you can't even understand. You try to write a Rick Riley column. I'm Mr. Unlimited. I should try. I should just try to read one.


Yes, Billy, I'm actually you guys, we took everything.


No, no, no. There's some obvious ones. You didn't get to see cheeseburgers. Andy Reid said he was going to be good one.


Billy, I picked a bunch of. Do you have a close for Andy Reid was like, I'm going to trade this note.


Read the quote here was the quote was great.


He said he was going to exchange you word for special occasions or if you want a free cheeseburger, you just point right there and show him that ring and you might get one.


That is a special occasion for beautiful Randy just walking into a McDonald's and being like as if as if Andy Reid needed to ask for a cheeseburger.


Right. Like he's he walks in the door. He could go to like any McDonald's in the United States and be like the usual. Andy. Yep. Three Big Macs. Yes, yes, yes. All right. Good one.


My cool throne is the NFL. The Rock just took a bunch of pictures with NFL team helmets. And it's getting me excited because more football is better anyway. Another oh, quick. Another hotseat. Yeah.


Oh, we're going back and forth. I like Bill Belichick switching guys.


Six subway commercial where he cut off dude sleeves. I don't know really how that, like, pertains to Subway, but it was really cool because.


Yeah, yeah. I guess it could have just Belichick doing a commercial. That's that's what the ad campaign is like. Look, we got Belichick to show up on a camera on this side of the camera for a change. We're Jimmy Johns, guys, by the way. Sure. No, it's not your fault, but we are right through and through. Through and through. Is that it? Also the rings. The rings. Yeah, they had their rings.


They have the thanks for coming out on the inside where it just shows how far they were down in every single one of their playoff games. And that was the exact moment I said, thanks for coming out, chiefs. Every single time. I'm fucking smart. You're the brain formula.


I am smart. This instrument is back. Now, you did know some pilot. What?


UFOs, 30 minutes. OK, there was a guy that was flying around a jet pack allegedly in Los Angeles. Wow. That's pretty cool.


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OK, here he is, Rob Schneider.


Oh OK.


We now welcome on Rob Schneider, actor extraordinaire, SNL alum, best friends with Adam Sandler, which we're going to have to get to that. But you have a new special out Netflix special called Mama Mexican Kids is out now.


Go to very friendly sounding name, right?


Yes. Yes. So the Netflix special. Let's talk about that first. I would assume it's just about your entire life when you name it Asian mama, Mexican kids just trying to avoid as much people getting angry as you can.


Hey, listen, I have an Asian mother. I can make some kids. I'm allowed to talk about this stuff. I don't know. I guess that's what it's all about. Yeah.


When you're taping those specials, is it like is it different as you're on stage? Are you thinking about the fact that it's going to be on people's TVs as opposed to just performing for people that, you know, bought a ticket?


You can't go you can't get in your head that much. Otherwise you really and, you know, you start thinking defensively or thinking what you're going to you know, it's like you have to just it's got to come from an inspired place. You got to that was funny. I'm enjoying this is for the audience. But at the same time, I just remember Chris Rock yelling at Adam Sandler. It's for the show. It's about the special. It's about the special Get the specials.


In other words, make sure you're getting the stuff for the specials. Not just you can have a thousand people in fifteen hundred people in the audience, but like that night. But you're trying to make it far, you know.


One hundred and ten countries and 15 million people, so but yeah, I mean, I don't think you got to have to know that it's back there, but you got to be like be in the moment performing it and doing it and then and then try not to let the business take over. And then because I think if you put the business in front of the art, then it's going to affect the art, obviously. Yeah, right.


Well, what's up with the Band-Aid on your on your chin?


I try to kill myself, but I aim too high. No, I just I sliced my face. It's been it's been a while now. I've had this for like a week now.


He's been rocking the bad daily. You just been I thought I was sick and elderly, my kids. And then like that, my kids keep putting it back on like you want Band-Aid, a Band-Aid. Daddy and I go, yeah, OK, put it on. And if I don't have it on a good day, Band-Aid, big bad. So they're very cute and very caring.


You're a Band-Aid guy for life now.


I'm sure we have for the foreseeable future. I think so, yeah.


So your career, you've had an unbelievable career. You were part of what some people say is one of the golden ages of SNL during that time. Did you have do you have a moment where you're like, holy shit, like everyone I'm around right now is a star or star in the making? Do you feel like that?


I remember a lot of like some very special moments or the really talented people. And but I also remember, like, everybody saying we sucked because you're not as good as the first cast. And I was like, I know. You know, it's kind of hard to compare, Bill, to Bill Murray and John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd and Gilda Radner. It's a little tough to Chevy Chase, you know, but I think we're OK. I think, you know, for our generation of kids growing up watching us, we're going to be there, Chevy Chase and Bill Murray.


And that's what's true is, I mean, wherever you grow up watching, that's your cast, you know?


Yeah, I've always thought that, like especially amongst SNL fans, it's like the new generation is never as good as the one that was around ten years before.


Yeah. I mean, there's a couple of guys that are all timers, you know. I mean, there's I mean, you know, you get your Will Ferrell's and you get your, you know, Martin Shorts or Eddie Murphy. I mean, it's the who's who I mean, of stand of comedy, you know. And I came from an era where most of the guys who came in were from, with few exceptions, were from standup. So I guess that's where they get the funny guys now and then there's an era where it comes in from like Second City and improv.


You know, I think Lorne Michaels, when he first started not to speak for him, but like he hired, you know, groups that had been working together for a while. You know, it was it was the National Lemmings on Broadway, which is like Belushi and and I think Akroyd. And then it was the second city or and I think those two groups were made up. The majority of that first that first cast and and us, we were like, you know, David Spade, Adam Sandler and I will go on one, two, three after each other and.


And at a club in L.A. or something, you know, at the ice house out in Pasadena back in nineteen eighty eighty eight, you know, and then, you know, but we kind of we knew we were going to make it. I mean, I don't think it was a question. It was just like, well, who's going to give us a chance finally, you know. Yeah. And then, you know, this true story.


David Spade didn't put this in his in his book, but like, I got hired at SNL and then Bernie Brillstein was our manager and. He told Lorne Michaels, well, you've got to hire David Spade to their writing partners and we weren't. That's how David got hired and he knows that, but he put that in his book.


Oh, wow. Interesting. Speaking of that, you said to put that, I'm going to put that in my book. Yeah. Yeah. So you said it would be fun to pin Adam Sandler for murder because you know all his secrets. What's his number one secret?


His number one secret? Well, he was in a movie called Not Big Secret, but he was in a movie called The Unsinkable Checky Moscowitz. And I remember he got twenty five thousand dollars and I don't like twenty five.


They paid you twenty five for what?


You're in a movie. How did how did this happen?


You know, and I just like when he first I was just amazed that anybody could get a movie, you know. I mean it was just like I remember auditioning for like a thousand things and getting none of them, you know, literally none. And like, after a while you go like, I remember Spayd and I go, you know you know, we're not going to get nothing. I guess maybe we'll get another and then we start getting and then we started getting hired because it just it just you know, you when you move to L.A., you don't realize there's fifty thousand actors always in L.A. all fighting for like fifteen hundred jobs.


And most of those are shitty. But you're happy to have any of them, you know what I mean? So it's a numbers game. But the thing about being a standup back in the 80s was we were making more money being middle X because none of us ever had more than twenty five minutes of comedy material, trust me. But he said all you need is Jay Leno said many years ago to me, I need 20 minutes to become a star in L.A. Everybody says how much time you got?


And everybody said they got two hours. Who was listening to our the comedy material? They have 20 minutes. They have five minutes to kill us every time. Every time I hear nothing. And so, really, all you needed was 20 minutes. And that's all we had, truthfully. And that was enough to get us on TV. But it was just, you know, it's always going to be you know, they will always want the most famous guy.


And if you ain't it, then you ain't it. But you've got to be ready just in case the famous guy says no and they've got to get somebody, right. Yeah, but it took me it took me a long time to realize it, like casting agents and those people, they're fearful of their jobs, too. They don't get paid good. I remember I was one casting agent that actually cast it for a Quentin Tarantino. And, you know, she's lovely.


I forget her name now, but like, I went to go see her, I used to audition for movies for her. And I auditioned for, like, one of Clinton's movies back in the day. And I actually read with Quentin for the part. And and I remember her like then seeing her make making sandwiches at a deli. And I went, man, it's tough for everybody.


Everybody's got tough in Hollywood, you know. Yeah. And they like they want it. So they're worried about their jobs. They've got to get the most famous guy they can get, blah, blah, blah. I remember one time I was having an audition for a casting agent and I killed one on one.


But then I got nervous in front of everybody and I saw her, like, melting down like, oh, no, what happened to that guy who was so good? Just let me bring him in.


So I realized, oh, she's rooting for me because, you know, when you first start, you think people running against you like, you know, the casting agents, they take it you take it personally now. You just can't take it personally.


Yeah. Did you guys have a pact like you, Spade and Sam, when you were coming up? Like whoever has whoever is the richest, who's doing the best in Hollywood at any given time? We didn't bring everybody else along with you.


Yeah, no, we didn't say like that, but yeah, we did. Absolutely.


That's worked out pretty nice. Yeah.


Adam Sandler just seems like the nicest guy in the world. We've had him on our show and he just seems like the nicest guy. And everyone who ever talks was like he's loyal and why wouldn't you? I think we asked him about this. He's like, why wouldn't I want to work with my friends?


I told him, I mean, I'll be honest and I've been public about this. You know, I would I would tell him, like, hey, listen. Hire McNulty, you don't have to hire me. Get get in. And he finally did hire McNulty for a movie called The Ridiculous Six like five years ago. But and he says, no, I don't want to hire people.


I don't know because, like, go white, you can get some you can get anybody. Man, you're the biggest comedy star in the world. And I'd have this argument with them against hiring me. And if I didn't want to get higher, but I'm just saying, you know, we were talking this for a movie many, many years ago, well, you know, 15 years ago or so, and he said, no, no, no.


And I said, why? Because I don't have to explain to you what's funny, you know? And if I ask you to do something I don't have to like, I can just tell you directly, go climb that palm tree over there. I know you're dumb enough to do it. And so, I mean, that kind of says a lot. I think there's a trust when you're out there doing comedy and especially in a movie, you know, any movie that you do could be your last.


And one day you'll be right. And if it's not going good, you need somebody who can make quick changes to make it work, work, make the scene work if it ain't work and to not panic and shut down. Because I've been in movies not with Adam Sandler, but I've been in movies where it wasn't working and nobody knew how to fix it. If it ain't working, let's identify it right now. Fix this scene. Every scene is like a little mini movie that's got to go to the next little mini movie.


And it's like a load them. It's like a locomotive, like it's like a and it just you got to get to the next one. And that pushes them. And each one has to be like a complete little mini movie in and of itself. So if it ain't working, fix it and have somebody to fix it. If it is work and tweak it so that it's even better. So the bad scene may make the next scene unnecessary because that scene works so well.


So it's kind of stuff like that, because when you're in the trenches and like when you're doing live TV, you've got to have somebody there across from you who's going to be your guy and not drop the ball because, you know, we're just trying to get in show business and we want to stay in it because that was the whole point.


I didn't have any career advice. I didn't have any career guidance or career goals.


I just wanted to make a living. I just wanted to not paid houses, not sell shoes, not do all the shit that I saw my friends doing that. And then I and I and I hated, you know, my friend delivering pizzas at my house. One time he went, oh, shit, you know, hey, man, good to see you met. I don't want people to notice that I said no. What you're working. What are you talking about?


Yeah, but I don't want people to think I'm the pizza guy. People like to think I'm the pizza guy, not the pizza guy. Just doing this to make a living.


Is that who I am? And I remember.


So I ended up doing a joke about that right away that night. You know, I'm not the pizza guy, but, you know, it's nothing wrong being a pizza guy. We all need a pizza.


I've been a pizza guy. JJ What pizza guy? A lot of us have done it because every now and again, you were saying like a second ago about how working with your friends is easy to make these adaptions, like on the fly punch up a script like really quickly. I would imagine that a lot of the practice from that probably came from the the fast paced environment on SNL in the nineties because, you know, you got a lot of it did.


I mean, certainly. I didn't even know that I was doing this, but my stand up in the 80s was sketches, but I wasn't getting any acting work, so I was just acting out all the characters and that's what I would do. And then like I was comedian Milt Abell, great guy exemptions or, you know, what you do is you act out and play these different roles to play the different parts in your own standup act. You would play the different guys and you go back and forth.


And I didn't even know that because, you know, when you're creating something, you just it's just coming from a place and coming kind of through you and with you and you just doing and then you do what you keep what works and you take the stuff out. Hopefully if you're not like, you know, you don't have, like, you know, dementia or some some kind of messed up. So a lot of comedians are then you dump what doesn't work, keep what works, and then you just keep taking away, stripping away, stripping away and it works kind of becomes your act.


And then, you know, if you're if you want to be successful at a comedy, you don't keep the stuff that doesn't work and the stuff that works, you build on. But it doesn't necessarily grow that much. You just get like that monster 20 minutes, you know, which is what we worked on. And I don't know if that's anywhere near answering your phone.


Well, I was curious because I always love hearing stories about the, you know, the heyday of SNL and what the schedule was like.


You know, while I know how sorry I was, it was amazing.


But like at the same time, the thing comes away from me is that was extremely democratic. The more I'm in show business, the more I realize, like, that was fucking remarkable to be able to be literally at a place where if you wrote something, if you if you're on a sitcom, if you're writing a movie and you say that the idea that anybody's ever going to read that in front of people to get some real laughs is like it just doesn't happen.


But like my first job in show business is a Saturday Night Live basically. And anything I wrote got red in front of everybody. So Adam Sandler would write this thing and like, you know, either it would work or if it did work, I mean, everybody got a room of people reading it. It's very fair. Right. And whereas opposed to most show business doesn't get a reading. So in that sense for Lorne Michaels, they're going to say the genius of him was like identifying people and getting the network out of the way.


And then and then, you know, letting us see it and to see what worked. And he was open to, what, a 90 percent of the time, depending on, you know, with few exceptions or whatever of Mike Myers had a movie with Dana Carvey or something, Wayne's World or whatever it was. We've got the biggest laughs got on the show.


I mean, you can't ask for anything more than that. Yeah, that's pretty fair. So anybody who complained, I always went like, well, you know, I know and you know that you had the opportunity and it just didn't work for you.


That's interesting, because people when you talk when we talk to people who are on SNL or part of SNL, you know, a lot of times it's talked about how hard it is to get Lorne Michaels to laugh. And you're coming in on the other end and being like, this is actually the best, best spot. Because you if you don't make Lorne Michaels laugh, then that was on you.


I'm sorry. Yeah, but like, if he heard other people laughing, he would recognize that to, you know, the worst audiences are like people who were like subjected to comedy every week. Right. You know, and having to laugh. But so you got to really get them laugh, you know. But unfortunately, even in that democratic environment, half that the Paape half the people in that room are costume people. So, you know, trying to make costume department laugh.


And it's like, hey, I'm sorry that in my audience, you know. Right. Yeah. So so you just you have to get enough and whatever it is and people who complain, it's like, shut the fuck up. You had your opportunities, you know, and if it didn't work for you, I'm sorry, but is it about the fair business, you know, the saying about like you get a sketch on because, you know, it's like whoever participated, it's participation trophy and in it so and so.


Are you saying if Lorne Michaels was totally dead face in reading and was like, I don't I don't think this is funny, but everyone else laughed. He'd be like, all right, let's put it through.


Yeah, he would. Absolutely. OK, so I mean, that's I feel like that kind of there's a myth about him where he's like, you can never crack them and getting them to laugh. Oh, no, no.


He's an easy laugh. He's a very generous laugh guy. He and I can say easy, but if you no way to get to him. I've been a whore guy wrote stuff. I know he laughing. Right. Yeah, right. And that that ain't good either, you know, because you want to not just get like a show biz kind of laugh, you know, because your stuff they can make him explode with laughter. Right. I've made him violently laugh and I've made him not laugh.


But everybody else then was laughing. He said, Rob's got a good one.


What was the easiest way to get to him? What were like his his comedy hotspots that you knew that you could push some inside baseball shit?


You know, like like I did a joke one time. I knew I was going to get him a laugh when I talked about, like, some TV talk show that some guy was a hack I'm not going to mention. But like who had a show and they were having trouble getting guests was the sketch. And I said the line. Do they know that we shoot during the day and it just seems like because like it's like an availability thing and that's a problem, that he has the availability to get movie stars or TV stars are getting Mick Jagger to come and like it.


You know, tell me, you know, it's early dinner, that kind of shit. So I just knew that I you know, I roll the dice and it was a an easy an easy one for me on that one. But that didn't help me. I'm saying like so I mean, in that point, sometimes it's like, OK, OK, I know I'll get a cheap laugh here, but how does the rest of the sketch add up.


So what it is, what it is, the longer I was just talking to Dennis Miller like a couple of days ago about this over the weekend and we were saying, man, how amazing was that? And I remember like, you know, I ran into Eddie Murphy two summers ago and, you know. And I'm Eddie's idea was what he said was like, look, I couldn't wait to get out of there and I didn't realize, like, the best time I ever had in my life was there, you know?


Yeah. And it's like, you know, it's true. It is true.


Are you happy that you were on SNL during a time when no one had cell phones? So the after parties were extra fun? Because I that's also part of it is like being SNL. You know, it's so funny. You know, no one's ever been as blunt with me as that. But but no, you're a thousand percent, right. Because I remember going to like it's one hundred hour work week, if you if you like, if you did it right.


And if you were a young guy and you want to take advantage of the situation. I loved it. I loved that being there. And I like writing and having somebody go get you a sandwich like 2:00 in the morning. And there are people and people are dying to get a job there. And so you had people who literally would research stuff for you and get you whatever and stuff. And it was like fun, right? I remember, like, the guy one of the guys who was like one of the writer's assistants is now running a is now the GM for a local TV place in Ohio.


Every time if I'm doing standup there, it's just, come on, man. And he shows me pictures of me and Chris Farley and David Spade and Adam Sandler, and he's got these little, you know, Polaroids of it. And so it was the grace. But what was your question?


I'm sorry, the after parties, how sick were the. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So so here's what happened. Like, I would, you know, you're you know, you're wiped out at the end of the week and you're exhausted and you're like, I remember like it at like at the you know, I'm Asian so it doesn't go one hundred percent. But like I remember, like I would be tired by nine o'clock but by the by ten thirty but by eleven thirty the show my eyes would be almost slits.


We closed because I was that exhausted because it's like the end of one hundred hours a week and you get a peak at the end of one hundred hours, not like 50 or 60 or 70 hours after the show. You can't wait to just let your hair down, go to a party and just relax. And I remember like somebody took a picture of me before the cell phone stuff and they had me sign it the next week.


And I'm literally like this just blitzed. And I was like, fuck, I better like sober up or something, you know?


Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have to do something to wake up from that.


It's like a combination of, you know, you're exhausted and you're having a few drinks like you're letting your hair down. And it's just the last week I'm going to be in show business maybe one more week. You don't know.


And you're with a bunch of very funny people, which I'm sure. Good hang at the bar.


Absolutely. Yeah. No, I got to tell you. I mean, Farley Spade, Sandler Rock. There's just, you know. It's an it's an insane amount of funny people, right, and they're incredibly funny, and that likes a guy like no one can compete with Farley because no one's willing to hurt themselves like he is, you know, and but but like and then, you know, the easiest giggle in the room is Sandler. And there's always giggling whatever Farley does.


So Farley is going to take it to another level and then say was always commenting and doing the opposite of that. And so it's just. And then the guy who had the right take on everything was always Chris Rock. I mean, he just has a handle on human behavior and just reads things. He's a beautiful guy. Beautiful, brilliant.


Was there was there a certain host that came in and you guys went out with him on Saturday after the show was over? You're like, God, I hope that guy never host again because I stayed up. I never talk about that.


I never really worry about it because, you know, show business is like you're going to have somebody having a bad day and that. Doesn't that represent who they are? No, no. I meant the other way to have somebody like you having so much fun with them at the time. Somebody have a bad week.


I mean, you could have somebody have a bad week. I remember hosts didn't like us. I remember like a guy I loved. He hated us.


He hated us. Hated us. Tom Hanks. No, no. Hanks was lovely. He was always beautiful.


But was it ranks was there a guy that was like so much fun to hang out with after the show that you were like bent up for a few days and you're like, man, if that guy ever comes back, I'm probably going to die in the after party, huh?


Well, I mean, he wasn't he wasn't like heavy partying, but like you could tell he wanted to go with John Goodman.


He's like, oh, I wish I could go off right now. These are the guys that would do that with. Yeah, yeah.


He seems like he can put a few away.


He's just he's one of those guys who is an all timer. And this is like it is a great a great guy, great actor, a great comedian, great, great timing, great dramatic actor and just an incredible, incredible guys. It's just like you're drawn to people like that. Hanks was the same way. Alec Baldwin is just the same way. We were just, you know you know, there was an edge to Alec Baldwin because, you know, just having that many brothers, you know, he's always looking for somebody who's going to punch me in the face.


He's going to take my sandwich, was going to, you know, and but just a great guy and a brilliant actor and can do anything and was fearless and just as comfortable with comedy and dumping himself in the middle of some silly sketch and without without bringing any baggage of of a really terrific dramatic actor. And I admire him to this day for that.


Do you know that you are part of a conspiracy theory online? Probably. Mm hmm. So our colleague Nick wrote a blog titled Rob Schneider A Harbinger of Disaster.


So apparently every time you have a new movie out, a big oil spill happens within a week of that movie.


I know. I can't say. I mean, I think you can kind of there's usually some kind of oil spill or something happening any time anyway. That's somewhat true.


But it's Deuce Bigalow December 10th, 1999 movie Erica Tanker Spill, December 11th, 1999. Hmm. Yeah. Yeah.


But is it if it's in the same place, I'll agree with you. OK, speak low. European Gigolo August 12th, 2005. Hurricane Katrina spill reaches shore August 5th through 15.


Yeah, but you can't say no, no, no, no, no. Hey, no. You're saying spill. That means no, no. Not that the spill reached is not the same time as an ocean that growing up a grown up.


You know, you've got to give me that 10 Deepwater Horizon vessel disconnect, June 25th, 2010. Wow.


The facts add up. That's not be camp. That's like dropping oil everywhere.


That's Adam Sandler's movie. That's like that's that's a bit of a stretch. I will say, though, that, like, you know, the bloggers and those guys. Yeah. I mean, like, once you once you realize, like, the pressure that they're under, you know, like God, I hope they can come up with something like that. Yeah. You got to sell like they got to sell like twelve articles to like still live in their mothers base.


Young women. Listen, you have not I'm not saying they're like a hectic schedule to block nine to five. Do you really think about bloggers? We're in the street. We don't even know any bloggers.


I just think they've they've they got a scam going. And I don't know how the scam is, but I get it. It's tough for everybody, especially, you know, now. So whatever thing they could try to you know, if they can correlate me to some whatever natural disaster or a manmade disaster and make one hundred bucks out of it, which is probably all that article paid, that's way, way less art.


And you can be a part of the easy part of the solution. Maybe every time you make a movie, you go show up on a beach somewhere wearing like a parka and just like with a toothpaste and a toothbrush, it's like clean up a seal.


Yeah, I think if that article was big enough that I would consider it.


But I don't know how many eyeballs I got, how many comics, how many comments or. Yes. Yeah, at least you have who's there anyway. Yeah. Yeah.


You know, speaking of of Deuce Bigalow, what came first. The name Deuce Bigalow or the occupation male gigolo who.


Well I'll tell you the truth, the original title was called Duse Biaggio Male Prostitute.


And I remember the head of the studio at the time, Joe Roth, said to me at one of those Disney parties, he said, Come here, Rob, come here.


Hey. If you think I'm going to spend 12 million dollars to make a movie called Douche Bag, you're you've got a fucking real problem. We'll change that goddamn name. All right. OK. Hey, Steve, very quick conversation.


I want I want right to my little Hollywood Hills I thought was funny. I honestly was amazed that they were even going to make this little movie. Thank God my buddy Adam Sandler decided to start producing movies other than his own. That was the first one he did. And I went up to my little Hollywood Hills house and jumped in the pool and I said, I better come up with another name.


And so I was just thinking, like a sprinter, you know, like I will do. You know, that wasn't much Deuce Bigalow, whatever. You know, I just thought there wasn't much thought into it. It was just very silly comedy that I. I don't know if they'd even make today. Yeah, but Sillies King, if you make a silly movie, make people die laughing they'll never forget it. And I went to the theater when like.


When that came out, when we were doing the previews and like people were dying laughing and that was like I said, I think we might have a hit here, maybe this will work, you know. Yeah. And and it just it's a process that you go through and it's hard. It's the hardest thing in all show business is to get a movie made.


How do you usually go to the theaters and watch your own movies?


Like, I feel weird about it, you know, because but then at the same time, it's not like I'm a stand up. I got to like I want to see that reaction. I spent a year my life on that movie, a year in three months. You know, I like writing it and then like editing. Making it. Yeah. Rewriting it, rewrite 17 drafts or whatever and like and and then you know, you film it, which is a blast.


Then you edit it and you screen it and then you make some more trims in it and mix it, which is also fun. And, you know, and then you put it out there. So you want to sneak in opening night in the back of there, see if they're laughing and see if there are people that are in the seats, too. And I remember once, as I was at some place with Adam Sandler and his buddy Quentin Tarantino was there.


Oh, yeah. And his buddy and I, I remember yeah, he was in little Nicky with with Adam.


And I think that's where I know.


Yeah, that's right. I couldn't I couldn't place it. Yeah. And so I said yeah he said so he was like, hey, congrats on the movie, make it really funny mean. And I said yeah it was kind of embarrassing to admit but like I would go and I was just at the theaters and I had to sit and sit in the back and watch the reactions to this kind of embarrassing. What do you mean?


It's not embarrassing me. When I have a movie come out, I go and I sit from like noon to fucking midnight and then every show I want I mean, I sort of make it for me. It's for the people. I want to see the reaction when I see stuff in my head. If that works, what else? Holy shit. You know, I mean, it makes sense, right? Yeah, that's what's fun.


I feel like that's what I would do anyways.


Just spend all day, every day inside a movie and Deuce Bigelow made ninety two million dollars. Was that the moment where you're like America's fucked.


You mean, well, what do you mean Deuce Bigalow like, was that big of a success, like, wow. And like you said, it's a silly kind of comedy.


I wouldn't say America was fucked because of that. I would I wouldn't describe it that way. Well, the oil tank to. OK, Callie. No, I just the thing to me, I didn't understand, like, I didn't understand what what the numbers were that meant hit. Right. You know, it made more money than Mission Impossible did in DVDs, which ended up being less with DVD kind of first really, really took over from videos.


So I didn't know that that was like a gigantic fucking deal, you know, but it made it was the second most profitable movie, the second most highest grossing DVD next to only slightly below, like a few hundred thousand dollars below like Green Mile, so like Green Mile, Deuce Bigalow, Mission Impossible and holy shit. So that was gigantic. So at that time, I could do anything I wanted. It was like the wide open I was, you know, it was it was more money than like my dad was just like stunned by how much money I started making.


And, you know, at the end of the day, it's really, you know, the guys who make the decisions in Hollywood, it's about like not. What they think is the best movie or not what they think, what they're excited to produce or put their name on. It's like every executive knows they're going to get fired sooner than later. And so they make decisions on what will delay my inevitable firing the longest. And so what they do is they just like whatever is hit or hot as a chance to be a hit.


I want to put my name on that. And that's why they like they want to make like two hundred three hundred million dollar movies if they can, because they know the studio has to push that through, you know, and so that goes down. Everybody goes down. So it's just like this stuff that you don't realize when you're just, you know, making a little 12 million dollar movie that in hindsight you wish you did know what you're going to learn sooner or later.


OK, so it's been a fun it's been a fun ride. And, you know, I mean, getting a chance to still do it is, you know, is unbelievable.


So I have one last question to me on this soft question of the day. Go to me on these dot com slash PMT to get 15 percent off your first purchase. Speaking of movies and making movies, we have a movie for you.


Yeah. Have you heard of it already? I mean, I assume that Adam Sandler involved. David Spade's involved. Ever heard of these guys? Zafran Yangzi. Yes, it's called Boner Dogs.


Dun dun.


Right. We don't have to pitch you. I've got a rule for you. Yeah, you're right. And as we said, Adam is executive producing it. We've got a cast lined up for you are the one, like, missing piece of like the Sandler Hollywood Mafia that we need to be attached to this. I would like you to play the Catahoula the Catahoula dog, which is like a New Orleans swamp dog.


And he's he's a sled dog. And one of the dogs gets a boner and then the dog doesn't know what to do with its boner. And then you say, do you know what you say as the Cagen dog? Know what you think back to to the waterboy. Fix your own problem, go away from me. Yeah, that is not my issue are just going back in the swamp. Yeah, that goes back down. There you go.


OK, well, you just read for it. Yeah, perfect. We're going to put that in there. Casting director and you chatting.


Yes, I get it. No, no, no. I totally I see what market you're going for and it's a wide one.


So are you in. That's in. Yeah, you're in. Totally. I got your back, OK.


I mean, I sense a little bit of tension, but legally, what's going to happen is I don't think you realize this like Adam is going to come to you in like three years and be like, hey, I got this new movie I just bought the rights to. It's called Boner Dogs. And you're going to be like, I'm in.


Yes. Well, you know, with a name like that, you got to go with what gets the kids. Yes. Not us. Know, if you guys are over 30, you're no longer your audience anymore.


I look like I'm got to go with the 14 year olds. Yeah. So, no, no, no. You can tell your body language. You're in your 30s.


You're just like a bunch of the blogging Gloucester's just be the blogger joke. Yeah, it sure is.


Just starting to get to the point in your life, like, you know, maybe everything isn't going to work out.


Yeah, that's true in there. I mean, that's a comfortable place to be.


That's where you want to be, man. You got to let go at that point, man. You don't hold on to these unrealistic dreams. You're in it now, man. You're part of the whole wheel.


Let's turn. But yeah, you're OK.


You're in. You're actually going there's going to be like a fifteen year old kid that comes up to the supermarket is like, Rob, you're going to be in boner dogs. And at that point you'll believe, trust me, it happened to you and I got a payment for you.


Listen, hey, I got to tell you, I think Seth Rogen made that movie already. Hmm. No, no, I think he did. He might have made a movie about a pickle guy. No, that was different.


Yeah, but what about all the food, the one hundred quid sausage? Sorry. Yeah.


Yeah, I'm familiar. I think we're I don't want to get sued by Seth Rogen. So now I'm out.


He was Canadian. He didn't let me tell you what we're instead of in lieu of payment. Yeah. I'm going to get the Rob Schneider oil spill blog deleted from the internet.


You can't man. When it's on the Internet, it's there forever. It's gone. Me and people know some of the oil spills that's always going to take that shit. And they're going to really take pictures. They're making screenshots. Save forever, man. The Internet. Don't go away, man. It's true with you, man.


All right. Well, Rob, thank you so much. Everyone check out.


I love your set. You get the best name in the whole podcast industry.


Oh, thank you for setting the podcast. My take. No, because they don't have some respectable looking set like you have there like that express.


You probably never see more things in your life, how much you bench.


You know, it's not about how much you do. It's if you get off your ass and do it, that's a nice piece of equipment. We're just about to buy that for that. The the the mansion here.


My wife wants to raise the manor Six Flags. Yeah, I know, I know.


I just I sold one, I had one similar to that, a little bit more upscale, but it slid and then stopped. You know that one of those things you know. Yeah. Yeah. But I wasn't using it.


Oh you're talking about the ones where like it goes into things so you can't hurt yourself. Oh, that's a beta machine. Yeah. That doesn't work out. You don't know what power feels like. I don't want to know raw power. Right. Exactly. I don't want to know. Right. I can afford not to know. Right.


Spend the extra couple two hundred and fifty and get the thing that kind of locks or use the blocks here with the fucking.


You're messing with the guards. Jesus man.


No, no, no, no, no. You're going to want to go there. You talk to me right now in five years, you're going to get that right back there. And then then you'll know, OK, then you'll say taking a shower.


All right. Yeah, no, thanks. I bet you have sex with condoms.


You should take that boner dog money cause when you get it and invest in some real workout equipment and you save your boner dog money, don't go away.


Oh no, no. Think that's stupid. It's going to be blown.


It is impressive. I have like I like that you got the twenty five. You could have easily put the forty fives up there.


No we're honest. Yeah. It's actually ten or ten. They just look these are like the cross fit weights so this is what bench presses. He sounds like your trainer's been lying to you. I don't think these are twenty five. Are those tends to have these are tense. Your trainer's been lying to curl it with one arm being like your benching so much these days.


Is it the sand tens or is it like the metal now. It's sand. Yeah. That's composited.


Oh you are Wiedlin. Lightweight stuff.


Cuppers if you get the plates, if you look it's closer. If the plates it's closer to the twenty five size.


Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I did have one last question for you last. Yes sir.


What can I do for you being three of the best football movies of all time. Did you know that. I don't. The waterboy is pretty damn good and waterboys, the longest yard, the remake and necessary roughness.


Well, I got to say, like, I love Adam Sandler's My Pal Forever. I just showed up to say hi. The next thing I know, I just got back from doing a movie in Europe. I come back to say hi. The next thing I know, I'm in the Mexican gang saying gang bang in the shower.


We had to Lapenta free shower and whatever, whatever, whatever it was like a group hugs and the showers, you know.


But but that's what happens if you say if you show up on the movie set and say hi. And next thing you know, you'll be in the movie The Mexican Gang. But yeah, I think, you know, the original when I was a kid, that's the greatest sports movie. You know, Burt Reynolds was the coolest guy. And you could be on the set with Burt Reynolds was that it was unbelievable, you know, because that as a kid growing up, that was the coolest guy.


I didn't we didn't have Marlon Brando growing up. We didn't you know, the guy for us was Burt Reynolds. Yeah, that was awesome. When Burt Reynolds was a guy playing in a football movie, you believe like that is the quarterback, right? No doubt. You know. Right. That movie to me is just like if you're 11 and you see the longest yard, it's the greatest thing you ever see in your life. And so that was so it's good to be on the set and see the remake of that with that and playing that part.


And to have like Burt Reynolds there was like almost unbelievable things ever.


Yeah, we just got to start showing up on the movie sets and getting offered these gigs as the prison rapist.


Thank you, babe. Mm hmm. So but hey, but I wish you guys the best and continued success for you and whatever whatever you want to use composite or if you want to use the plates, you want to step it up. I'm just going to support you whatever you guys do.


Yeah. We'll talk to you soon when we start boner dogs. So, uh, all right.


We're definitely going to make it. And you're definitely gonna do it. And your payment is going to be a real man's wage like you're going to be in this movie.


I made a movie called The Animal, so don't worry about it. Yes, indeedy. By the title me would be handy to keep it out there, boy. All right. Thanks so much, Rob.


Thanks. Let me plug my my comedy special agent, Mama, Mexican kids. And it's on Netflix streaming worldwide now. And it was a lot of fun to do. And that's where I started. And I wanted to like a testament, a record of me doing standup. That's where I started. Most people won't even know that I did it. And so thank you for helping me promote it.


All right. Yeah. Check it out so much. I hope your chin heals. Yes. All right. Good luck on the chin. Thank you. All right. See you. All right, buddy.


That interview with Rob Schneider was brought to you by our good, good friends over a three key three. Chai is the leader in hemp derived cannabinoid products. They sell a range of products. They've got CBD, Seabourne, CBG and CBC vapes, lotions and tinctures. All the products are formulated by a biochemist. They're made in the USA with USA grown hemp. They've got products that are the strongest hemp products on the marketplace because they use more cannabinoids than just CBD to help you achieve the effects that you're looking for, including that SIEBEN, that CBC and the CBG three cheese got products designed specifically to calm you, help you focus, make you happy, help you sleep and soothe your aches and pains.


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You have to be eighteen to purchase once again. That's three. The number three guy dotcom. Tell them that part of my takes at you. And now here's Tim Woods.


OK, it is that time again.


We have our very, very good friend Tim Woods back in studio.


How's it going. Good to be here. It's great to have you, Tim. We are going to continue our Dungeons and Dragons quest. We also have a little wrinkle this time. We have the ping pong lottery machine set up with numbers one through twenty.


So if you're watching this after the fact, you also get a I think we don't have the camera on it for all the roles as well. So it should be very, very exciting.


I actually don't know how it's going to affect this game because it's going to be random. So I feel like when I roll the dice, I'm more likely to get like a fifteen through twenty.


When I'm doing this, I might get like a two or three. I got hot last.


Yeah, I had like three twenties. Actually, Tim, someone there was like, you don't know how long I've been playing Dungeons and Dragons. I've never had three twenty in a game.


I was like, yeah, we have had some amazing swings of luck. And I have to say I'm very excited to see this new dice tower in action because I don't think I've ever worked with such a cool D twenty before. I think this is this one just feels charged with good luck.


So would you say that like everyone in the Dungeons and Dragons community is going to look at us and be like, damn, these guys are cool?


I think that there's a lot of competition for Cool Dyce towers. And I think right now we've got the coolest guy.


That's what I would say we should do.


We should like. So it looks like a dragon. We got we've got this whole this whole front. All right. So textile. Yeah, let's recap where we're at. So people can know where we're picking up our story and then we'll get into it for sure.


So we had last left our group of heroes when they had been delving into the Cave of a Dragon cult where it seems like they had been using this cave as their headquarters. And what kind of dungeon delving into here to defeat some of the cultists and fight some of their monster minions. We had discovered that they had been expecting us and had prepared an ambush for us from none other than our own Berserker Billy, who had been raised from the dead.


We defeated him once more, set in time and after he got slain by the warlock, Erlik dealing the final blow once more. We are now left pretty much safe in this dungeon right now, having just defeated Berserker Billy, but also gotten a bunch of guard drakes on our side. The cult has all these guardrails locked up in a cage nearby.


And right now they are howling the praises of Norm the Barbarian.


We are, though, a little bit a little bit courtesy of the Bard who convinced them Wayne had convinced them to join our side, I believe. And we did also find out at the very end end of last session that this cave isn't just a headquarters for this cult. We think it is also a hatchery of some kind.


And it is maybe where they are keeping some dragon eggs that at the very least are highly valuable in the world of D and regardless of whatever else we could maybe do with dragon eggs in our hands.


I have a quick question not to get to, you know, throwback to the Game of Thrones, but how does a dragon hatching work in terms of like Indrek and Game of Thrones? You have to be, you know, mother of dragons in the fire. Like, is there a similar set up with that? Or like, can we just get an egg and the hatches?


There would be a definitely a similar setup. And I would say a fire dragon, like a Red Dragon would be very similar to Game of Thrones. But there are many different dragons in the world of. And so it depends on the egg and how much you know about that particular kind of dragon. So we would have to see what eggs are there and then we would be able to know at that point. It sounds like we want to take these eggs.


I mean, he's got. Yeah, yeah. There's nothing else.


I feel like we could crack the eggs open and make some serious omelets and get some gains through a heck of an egg.


Yeah. Now are the eggs are they like in the embryo stage. If we were to come across an egg or there are different stages of egg development, in theory there would be many different stages of development.


And depending on how good we do our knowledge checks are. Wizard might be the expert here for figuring out, OK, how do we maybe help this egg grow to its full power and hatch quickly?


So let's let's try to find these eggs. Absolutely.


Turnidge, I'm going to let us know that right now we're going to be starting with cakes turn then Urlich, Wayne and Norman next.


In theory, we're keeping the same initiative order right now. But I also do want to say that right now we are all in luck because we were pretty badly injured or if we weren't injured, we had maybe some special spots that we had used up in the case of the Wizard.


But right now, after defeating Berserker Billy, especially because it was the warlock Urlich who like defeated this demonic creature once more, I would say there's a surge of energy that fills all of us up and we are back up to full hit points and full spell thoughts as though we had gotten a full rest.


Right now, in addition, all of our characters were level two. And after defeating Berserker Billy, that levels us up to level three.


So we have a lot more hit points than we had just a moment ago. And we each game kind of like one little ability.


I'll just let us know real quick, Wayne, you now have the spell invisibility.


You can turn yourself invisible when you want. And that's very useful for like sneaking around and doing stuff like that.


Norm of the Barbarian, you now have the berserker rage ability where you can now swing two times just like Bazooka Billy used to be able to do.


Except you can do it every turn as much as you want.


Just to clarify, I'm stronger than Billy. I now have the only thing that he brought to the table and he's still very much dead and he's still very much trying to make sure that that was all clear.


Absolutely. And you are now a bazooka barbarian with a lot of hit points. And Erlik, you are maybe gaining my favorite level three ability, which is where warlocks really start to flourish.


Is that level three because you are now a part of the chain warlock and that means you have summoned and bound a little demon who sits on your shoulder and does your bidding. This demon has a little scorpion tail that can sting people for like a ton of poison damage and they can turn themselves invisible or into like a bird or a bat or a spider or something like that.


So can I.


I'm sure you can. Absolutely. I would love to know you can take your time. All right. Or you can let me know when it gets my turn. I'll I'll guarantee at 100 percent. I'm very excited to hear about your demon then and is specifically a type of demon known as an imp. Technically, Devil Tosches, any time you talk to him before.


11 a.m., that's that's what Hank is right now. Absolutely, and in theory, then that is all kind of will take you, in theory, gain a bunch of second level spells. But I'm going to kind of see what you want to do in any given situation because you have so many options. I'm just going to go over wizards have so many different spells they can choose from. We'll see what you want to cast in a given circumstance, but you will have new spells that you have access to.


But at the moment, we are in a cave that seems to have two exits besides the way we just came from, which was like back to the Fungai pit. There's two different ways to go.


We don't know which way leads to the dragon eggs, but then next to us, to the north, there's also the caged off area where the hounds, the guard drakes are all locked up, these lizard like creatures with horns in the center of their head.


What would you like to do right now? You could like scout ahead in one direction or what do you. It's like a 50/50 shot.


Yeah, like the road less traveled. Seems like it might be the better option because people aren't just walking in and out of the hatch free willy nilly. Well, everyone. Zig-Zag Absolutely.


So you've got kind of a left tunnel and a right tunnel. You don't know which way go into the eggs. Which way do you want to go? Left or right? On the left. You got to go. I absolutely love it.


So I'm going to tell you, as you go left, you are coming to a cave that looks like a dead end and you don't see any eggs immediately, but you see boxes of supplies in the corner.


It looks like food stuff has been piled up here. On the other side of the room, there is some kind of pile of rags that's been tossed here with a creature that is asleep, it seems, on that pile of rags.


It is a big creature that is chained to the wall right now.


And you immediately don't even need to make a check to know what this thing is. It has the wings and front body of an eagle, but its back body is a lion.


And this, you know, is a griffin. This is a flying mythical creature. But it looks like it is chained to this wall right now. And by all accounts, a prisoner of this cult at the moment.


And you see this gripping hasn't woken up or anything. You can do whatever you like.


I think the grief I mean, why are we to kill the Griffin an nothing can be a very powerful ally.


Oh, fuck it.


No. Did you hear about the rags on period? Oh, true.


It's also a sleep so you have to ask it.


Pick up pregnant hag you want Hank wants to to rape me. Time out. Time out.


Hey relax the demons coming out a little early. Hank, this is you're playing the role of Billy today. So the Griffin it seems like this ago a few different ways, but I don't think it's that we've already taken down a dragon.


We can handle it. Griffin It's not a week.


We could also become friends with it and have it join our squad. Like who doesn't want to. Yeah, I'm not intimidated.


Team Let's see what the Griffin has in store is the Griffin. You said that there are rags. Is it healthy?


It does not look healthy in the sense that it looks like it's been chained here for a long time. Is being beaten a cage?


It's a Robert Griffin, it sounds like.


Can I. Yeah. You want to check in on. Let's see, let's see the through a health check. Absolutely. Go ahead with a medicine check on that. All right. You can roll it. Yeah. OK, I Cristero. Very exciting. Oh, no, I forgot, but fortunately, with a four wheel, you do have a plus three on this, so you got a seven total and with a seven you go to check on the Griffin and it almost like reaches over and snaps at you, but it realizes at the last moment and freezes.


And then in the common tongue says to you, well, you don't seem like a cultist.


Who are you? And it seems like they're awake. They are awake now.


They you thought they were unconscious, but it turns out they think the wizard take the wizard. You don't seem like one of the cult escaped the wizard.


What are you doing here? How did you get here?


I'm here to help you. I'm not here to intimidate. You're here to help.


Well, unchain me from this wall then. Help. Help me. Help you. Are you trying to get out of here or what are you doing?


We want your help to get to the Dragonite Dragon eggs.


You're going after the eggs. Bold move, but I approve. I'll help you if you unchain me from the wall and then kind of gestures at the chain, which is kind of embedded into the wall by a rusty spike that's kind of hammered into law.


The Griffin says, I've been trying a few times, but I haven't pulled myself free. Now, you could try your strength, but your strength is not great. I can.


My teammates Haggen for me, isn't big cat really strong? Absolutely. I would lead, I I'm strong. I would let you have Naum tag in right now on your turn to do your action.


In that case, if it's the two of you working together, actually then you can both roll, you can roll two times one for each of you. He's helping you right now.


So you'll die and I'll, I'll hit.


I just like to say ahead of time, like I'm in favor of going forward down this path. But just keep an eye, because this Griffin seems like he was a little too eager for us to let him out.


You know, I thought I questioned his motives, but that's fine.


I think we can we can kill him if we need to. Jake's going to roll. I'm going to do the ping pong, going to be your strength check. And then this is Norm helping you on the ping pong eight eight. OK, you're loosening it up. You're loosening it up for him. Technically, that's a seven total, though. You have a minus.


Oh, I think it didn't go up. That doesn't count. It was going to be an eight. But it doesn't count.


Doesn't count if it doesn't emerge. No, I feel like there's going to be a twist. Has an extra element to maybe it could be a twenty and then it falls back. I feel like it's going to be a twenty. I've been on a hot streak. Oh, Paul, don't lie to me. It's an eight ball with a plus five total for you, Norm.


You are getting it done and you are able to yank the chain out of the wall. The Griffin still has the chain around his neck, but it is now free from the wall and he whips the chain around.


All right, let's go. Let's let's. Oh, you're going for the eggs. Not getting out of here. All right.


I'll come with you. Let's go. And he's very excited to join us. It seems OK. And a cake. You can do whatever else you want. You could also roll an insight check on this.


Griffin, if you feel like you don't trust him. I trust them. Absolutely. I love it. Fantastic cake. Then you have a lot to learn about Griffin.


And at this point, Erlik, we would be up to you next. It seems like we found to the left was a dead end that we just freed a Griffin from. And there's a way to go to the right. We've also got these chained up drakes who might join us if we free them as well.


Now, watch our role. Absolutely. You can do whatever you want to go loto. In theory, you also. Yeah, right. Let's go lotto with theory.


In theory, what you can go to the right is the one way we haven't explored yet. Unless you want to do something with the Drakes who are currently still chained up at the moment, not chained up but locked up. The Drakes are enemies though.


They were our enemies until we got a critical hit convincing them to think Norm the Barbarian is just the coolest.


So should we do should we do what we did with the Griffin and free the Drakes and then strength in numbers and just go down and fuck up these dragon squad?


You could if you wish. Absolutely. But what are the chances that the Drakes turn on us right now? It seems like they're going to help us as long as they get to attack somebody is our enemy. Once they run out of enemies, then they might start getting bored. But we didn't get a critical hit. It was a pretty good roll.


I remember once once we start to lose, the Drakes quickly lose interest in following you and we don't know what else is down the cave like anything. Do we need strength in numbers, huh? What do you guys think?


I don't know your role. I don't I don't necessarily trust the Drakes.


I don't trust the drinks. I feel like we already have the gold so we can fuck them up.


We got the if I have Berserker, can we like can we, like, kill one of them just to show them we mean business and then free the rest.


You absolutely could if you they're caged up right now I'd say if you like Eldridge blast one of them right now. I'll let you make an intimidating check to see if the others all fall in line. All right, let's do the other.


Plus, we'll just use a lot of machine for big role. Yeah, big, big dose of it.


Absolutely. Let me know and you'll have a plus five on this. You got good bonuses. Sixteen.


Sixteen. Absolutely. With a plus five. That's a twenty one. You absolutely smash one of the drakes in the face and all of them.


Now there are four drakes who want to follow you now and are admiring Norm but are terrified of Erlik the warlock and will not disobey him. You think so.


We got a squat, we got to Griffin, we got five drinks or anything else or drinks for three or four weeks now one of them and all of our teammates.


You're also welcome to use your move to try to like, pick the lock to free them if that's what you want to do, unless you just want to use a spell to blast that open.


Eldridge blast, in theory, could knock their cage open, potentially. Pick the lock. Yes, pick the lock.


Eldridge, the last of them. Yeah, we've Elgar's the last of them to show them we mean business now we can show them you know we're not going to blast our way out. We can for you.


You got a plus two on this dexterity check. Very well.


I was a three I'm sorry to say a five total. You are trying to pick the lock right now. One of the drakes jumps up to the door and starts like shaking it and it's making it harder for you to pick it right now. She's like a big dog, just getting too excited to go for a walk right now.


But you are definitely getting it a little bit more open. And maybe we will see on Wayne's turn now, actually, the Griffin catches up to us and gets ready to attack whoever might come up and try to attack us. But right now, he's just looking at the Drakes like, I don't know if I like this or not. OK, raises one eyebrow.


I kind of I want to use my invisibility. Absolutely.


You can if you're invisible right now. Yeah, I got a new toy. What can I do with my invisible unit to go inside the cage and open it from the inside? Or I can.


Well, I could just do that. I don't have to be invisible to do that. But maybe I get invisible. I go inside the cage and then you guys go hunting for the eggs and I can tell you what the Drakes are actually saying.


If they're trustworthy, they don't know I'm they're what you could do right now is you could turn invisible, then you could slip through the bars, try to get into the cage and go right up to the Drakes, where they're kind of like right next to each other, where they could be whispering to each other. And I'd let you eavesdrop on their comrades. That's what I want to do. I want to eavesdrop on the drinks. Absolutely. So you turn yourself invisible.


I'll let you wiggle through the bars. No problem. As you climb down into this kind of pit area that they are in, they have the ability to mutter to each other. I know that you speak a little bit of the draconic tongue and that is the language. They are kind of grunting to each other and make a perception check now and you get to roll to. Times, because you're right next to them, you hear them say anything. OK, perception, check 10 10 and roll one more time to see if you do any better.


99, you probably hear all of these drakes who are talking to each other are muttering in draconic how they think that the strong one is really cool.


But the little one be careful because the knowm, that one is actually quite powerful and we think he can shoot fire and stuff like that.


So they seem pretty dumb actually, and they seem like they've fallen in line very obediently.


Strength has proven to them that they should be on our side, not on the cult side.


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Try it now for free. That's right. For free. Zip recruiter dotcom slash PMT that zip recruiter dotcom Agapemone zip recruiter dotcom PMT The smartest way to hire and now more Tim Woods. OK, interesting. So I don't think that we have anything to worry about with these drugs.


We'll just whip the shit off Berserker. All right. So yeah. So let's let them out.


Let's I would like to let the Drakes escape bars. You can try to pick the lock.


Erlich has made it a little bit easier for you now, but roll E20 and you get to add a plus three from the inside.


From the four you did from the inside. I like that. Maybe that's a little bit easier. More. Yes.


Easier from the inside seventeens. Yeah. All right. And with the help that Erlik set you up with, you are absolutely able to kind of pick the lock from the other side. You push that drak away who had been kind of interrupting him. And the lock is now picked the gate, the gate flies open, the drakes come bounding out. And the only bad thing that seems to be happening is the griffin immediately takes off into the air and is just flapping ten feet above us like, oh, I don't know.


OK, fine, all right.


But I'm not going to land now. I'm going to stay in the air at this point. He is going to, it seems like, still help us in attack. He's just very cautious.


OK, great. You've used the pronoun he a couple of times was Griffin. We're confirming like we can see the testicles.


I mean, oh, it's a camel based on its voice more than anything do seem to suggest is a male griffin. Yeah.


Oh like that. This cave though. Like how how high can they fly. Not very high up at its highest point. It's twenty feet in the air. So he's kind of pressed against the ceiling, just barely able to flap around.


Also might be like that lady from Theranos might just have a deep voice that he puts on to sound important to keep an eye on that and the guard dogs come bounding out.


Norm, you would be up now. So if you wish to lead the way somewhere, currently the bar is still invisible and will remain so until you either attack or cast another spell.


Wayne, then you reveal yourself, OK, I kind of want to kill these drinks. Just let them out and just start swinging. Take batting practice. Yeah, fuck them. I really don't like them. One, there's that. They're pissing off the Griffin.


They are.


I think that the Griffin is our most important ally right now because like we can fly on it, the Drakes, you know, people it's got a piece of an eagle that will kill all the Drakes.


The Griffin looks like it could carry two people. For the record, it is a great form of transportation. The drinks can really carry anybody.


And so you are going to swing at one of them. We can help us so they can drink the numbers.


I don't like the drinks, I got to say. Yeah, and what we should do is why we just freedom them all the time. So.


All right, I'm cool. So yeah.


I want to kill you. Would you like to go reckless? And roll with Advanta, yeah, why not? OK, then, if the Drakes attack you, they will all be getting advantage on their attacks. I'm not. I'm rooting for the jerks to to. And you said you were reckless. Those who roll one more time. One.


Well, I know I'm sorry to say that you swing at the door and your ex doesn't get stuck because you get to take the higher the two roles. But it does thud into the ground right next to one of the drink. And he just kind of looks at you a little quizzically. I'll let you that drink you're right next to is going to try to like what the heck was that? And snap to bite you unless you try to intimidate all the drakes right now that it is.


There was a joke. I was just letting you know I was boss. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, right. We won't kill betrixaban, so. Yeah, no, we're good. All right.


Is there a chance that we all looked up to him so much because he was strong and they see him acting like a fool and now they don't like him anymore and we're just going to go and they just leave us.


There's devil because then they could tell on us. We don't want that. Tell us tell other people that were frauds. No, tell everyone that where we are. I just want to be like, hey, I was just swinging. I was just taking batting practice strikes. I'm not a big deal.


Roland, intimidate check. And you have advantage on this one. Yeah, that didn't work. I want the drinks back on our side. Absolutely won again and again.


But you have advantage on this because the bar has set you up and you want to go. I'm going to ping pong, the big one. This is a big one.


You've got you've got if not, you have another attack. You can do this turn.


All right. All right. No, I want to I don't want to kill the drinks.


And they look pretty tough. They're each like a giant greyhound or a pit bull. Come on, Altro. OK, well, good luck that five is a 17, and that is with oh I'm sorry, you know, you're intimidated plus three, but that's still a 15 or higher.


The Drake just kind of looks at you and backs away almost nodding like, OK, all right.


I guess we're cool.


The other three Jak's are like you almost got swung at, but the one who would have beat you is not going to make cool stuff actually.


Nice. That was fun.


And that was from Norm's turn to I did put into initiative Bob Costas and Bob Costas just watching this whole thing, how I forgot how he got in hand, just like, oh, and he's terrified of these drakes.


You think these drakes loved kobolds based on the way that it is sniffing.


They are all sniffing Bob Costas right now. But KAC, that's going to bring us back to you. What would you like to do?


Let's go find his eggs. I feel like we've got we've lost the plot a little bit here. We got so concerned with only dealing with drinks and Griffin following us, we've done enough torturing of our own crew.


I think it's time to go back to the original goal of the X and you've eliminated the left hand root.


So it looks like the right hand root should be the way to get to the eggs in theory.


All right. Absolutely. So you start to head in the right hand direction. It's a staircase that starts going down. And immediately with your Elvin's senses, you can tell that up ahead, there are some kobolds making a lot of noise, it sounds like, at least for kobolds in the room. Up ahead, kobolds are very weak.


But if there's four or even five of them, that's a nasty swarm that we might want to deal with. And you haven't seen them yet, but you hear them up ahead. What would you like to do?


I think we have a big enough squad to take them down. Absolutely. We certainly do have a lot of people kobolds are not going to impede us at all or harm us too much. You can scout ahead either using perception or stealth, or you could just rush ahead and get ready to cast a spell at them. What would you like to do?


The other thing we just charge or should we play it? Say we could we could charge. Ah, you could use the Drakes to charge because they seem to like to smoke Bob Costas.


It seems like if we're going to lose some members of our squad, it could be the drink.


Yeah. So you send the drakes rushing into this room, is that right? Yes, boom. Absolutely. They had a ready to action to charge. And as they charge down roaring into that room, you just hear kobolds start screaming and panicking.


They are fleeing and apparently getting mauled. You enter the room now to see what's happening at this point. Yes, absolutely.


When you see in the room all these drakes running around, there were maybe five kobolds on the ground who are in various states of getting dragged around by drakes and thrown around the room. There were apparently all like worshipping some creepy altar with a five headed dragon statue on top of it. They are not doing that anymore. They are trying to run for their lives and occasionally fight at one of the drakes.


But they are losing, except for the two kobolds who have taken off into the air because for some reason, these two kobolds have flapping wings growing out of their back. And so they are like like looking down at these drakes who are just mauling the rest of their friends. And so you can see this scene before you now and you still have your whole action to do a spell if you want. It looks like the five kobolds on the ground are being taken care of, but the two in the air, the one drak looks up and he's just like, now what are we going to do about that?


We have to finish the job killing. Mellouli You've got some good cantrip spells like Fire Bolt or Reya Frost that you could launch at these people or you could go big and do a chromatic orb to launch.


But all in all. And you're launching or broadcast for sure. For sure.


Go ahead and roll a D twenty plus five to see if you are going to hit this football.


But you don't crazy draw. Yeah. That's how you do it with two hands in the air. OK, all right. Eleven. It was an eleven, eleven, eleven plus five to sixteen.


And what element did you create with your chromatic orb. You get to choose either poison, acid, lightning, thunder fire or cold thunder ending in the thunder.


You said you said, oh yeah, she done thunder.


And this like orb of acid just splashes right into this winged kobold and completely covers its body. It's just bones and smoke and steam rising off those bones that clatter against the wall and on to the floor.


You dealt so much damage with the chromatic orb. This creature is just wiped out, no doubt. Well done. Excellent. But there is still one of these kobolds flying around in the air when Erlik would be about to go.


Unfortunately, this kobold gets to go just before Erlik and is Kobold is going to be flying over to not one of the drakes because you shot a spell this last flying Kobold knows that you could take him out of the air and he's going to try to drop a rock on your head right now. But I'm happy to say the Rocklands right next to you, but does not hit you. And that would bring us to Erlik turn next. Erlik, what would you like to do?


You hear the fighting up ahead. The Drakes are having a great time. Sounds like the wizard is under. Fire, though, shouldn't be in the drinks and Griffin, go help cake. Absolutely, 100 percent could. If you rush into the room, you see that there is one winged kobold and then it looks like all the kobolds on the ground are dead at this point to our drakes.


And isn't the Griffin. It's flying right here. We shouldn't we send the Griffin into, you know, it's going to go right after that. And so it's going to swoop in in just a moment.


All right. It's a role. Absolutely.


Would you like to do an eldritch blast or you could send in your EMP to do something if you want. Oh, all right.


By the way, my name for my demon on my shoulder is Lola. Lola. Oh, I had a cat growing up that I hated. It attacked me every single day in my life. And I never called it anything but demon who was just demon. Demon, demon, demon. Real name was Lola.


So. All right, Lola, obviously. So Lola right now is like digging her claws into your shoulder and is whispering.


Hey, boss, let me Adam. I'll go after him. I can take him out to Rome for local.


Lola has a plus five on her stingray attack, 20 quid.


Politics, Billy, just like with the chromatic orby, do not need to roll damage, Lola deals so much damage with her stinger, she immediately just pierces right through the neck of the kobold and you see Poli's and just spurting laugh and the kobold falls out of the ground, withered to the ground and all the other kobolds are slinging.


It seems like this was some kind of altor shrine for the Kobolds, but there is another staircase leading out of here further down. It seems like the only way forward.


But the Drakes are finishing up with the kobolds and then a griffin flies into the room.


At this point, our Griffin flies and sees that there's maybe maybe PEX off the last to the Kobolds and then says, Do you want me to do me a scout ahead down there and tell you what I see?


All right, then I would like to erlick you just went.


Why don't you roll for the Griffin to see how good a perception check this.


Griffin's going to have to roll twenty, thirteen, thirteen. And the Griffin has a plus five and actually has advantage. Roll one more time on this. So far you got an eighteen. Do you want to roll. Just kick.


Everyone saying, hey, so we're going to go with the original roll, the 18, it was a success for sure, and the Griffin flies back and says, Oh, no.


He says, you were looking for the hatchery, right? Well, I found it.


There's a pit that looks like there are maybe three dragon eggs or more.


I saw at least three dragon eggs, but I also saw something else.


I saw one of the stalagmites coming out of the ground in this pit, a spike of stone. I saw it wiggle and I have no idea what that is.


It's like a sybian, OK?


And I would let anyone roll a 20 right now to see if they know what the Griffin just spotted, if they know what this thing might be.


Maybe this will be a group knowledge. Nine, nine nine. But if we're going with the best knowledge, check in the group, that would be the wizard with a plus five and with a 14, you at least know the name of what you think this creature is.


You've heard of creatures that can disguise themselves as stone outcroppings like spikes of stone. And they are usually gardian beasts.


You know, they are called ropers like you don't.


Peter Norten know exactly why they are called gropers. There is some reason why they have that name. But with a 14, the wizard does not remember exactly in wizard school when they were taught about ropers. Why they are called ropers precisely. But they are camouflaged predators.


OK, got it. And that was all happening on Erlik Sturgell. The Griffin had just scouted. So Wayne, we are up to you and I feel invisible.


Can I go drag Billy's dead corpse off the ground, Reanimator, and then make it sit on the Roper?


Ibbs You can definitely drag the corpse. I would desperateness that. You looking at the spell's you are Griffin's got me pretty hungry by now.




You're Griffin is certainly hungry. He is a carnivore and yes. Interesting. The body's a little old but I wouldn't mind. I'm hungry. I wouldn't mind picking it that a little bit.


Yeah. I think I want to feed Billy's dead body to our Griffith. You start to feed you because he's hungry. Yeah, absolutely. I'll also point out you're still invisible. So when you pick up Billy's body, it does kind of look like Billy.


He's just walking around because no visible puppet master can I use like my hands to make Billy have a really stupid face and give him a few times as he's walking.


You make him like walk around and like we see Billy's face. I couldn't talk in different ways, but then because he's in different pieces, the body parts start to, like, fall over a little bit. You're a good you have a lot of dexterity, though, so you start catch. Yeah.


I'd like you to juggle Billy's testicles, juggling various one against a wall. There's a splat as something against the law for sure.


OK, great. So yeah, no, I'd like to feed his corpse to the Griffin ABC. The Griffin is actually saying, you know, there's something tangy about it, like dark magic or something, but, you know, it's not bad. And the Griffin keeps eating this. Yeah. And the Griffin is also thanking us for having freed him. He does introduce himself after this delicious meal and says, you know, my name's Blake. It's an absolute pleasure and I'm so thank you for freeing me.


I really, really appreciate it. So he's now really like feeling like a member of our team now that he got to eat. Oh, it's our former teammate, Johnny Blake Griffin.


Yeah. Which actually I don't like Blake Griffin anymore. Yeah. He kind of ditched just the other day.


Oh, I'm sorry. It's just going to be a different no no. Blake Griffin spinn again.


Just for the record, I'm mad at him. All right. So now let's take him out.


You want to take him out? Maybe.


Maybe one of his other is good. Will take out his good knee. He's good to a bad knee. I don't know. Mean what?


No, I'm happy that we fed him. He's probably feeling healthy right now. I'm going to be the bigger man for the record in this situation, even though I want to hit him and his other knee, I'm going to be nice to him.


I'd like to enlist his help to find out exactly what this Roper thing is of, like circle the Roper from above and survey it, see if it's like if it has any ill intentions towards us.


Absolutely. I'm going to let you roll another perception check with advantage for Blake Griffin as he does another scouting move for us. That's a seven.


So, well, he has the advantage to roll one more time for Blake Griffin as a ten to ten with a plus to ten total.


Are you saying or is it a fifty to say that it's a straight up, ten straight up, ten on the die, so fifteen total with a fifteen.


He is able to fly back and he says, OK, I saw a piece of the stalagmite open up for a second. It has a mouth, I can tell that much.


And then I saw something like wiggle out of a piece of the rock, like there's holes all over this thing and something that looked like a a weird, like maggot worm or something came wiggling out like a snake, maybe out of the out of the rock itself. And Blake doesn't know more about what a roper is, but that is what he saw when I went to track down these eggs.


And he's got the eggs are just scattered around this roper. Unfortunately, the ropers guarding them.


OK, so I think I know what we should do. I think we should take Bob Costas, his body, throw it to the roper and then go collect the eggs while Bob Costas getting eaten by the roper.


We're not Billy's body. Oh, is there any is there any Billy's body left?


There's definitely some. Billy's body. Billy was a Goliath. He was huge body. And you can absolutely invisibly carry the body parts in you. If you carry them close enough, they'll turn invisible and then you can start throwing chunks to where you think the roper is. Is that what you want to do?


I'd like to I'd like to go in really close and then from. But I'll just drop it in like like I'm sort by sprinkling some seasoning into the roper. Absolutely.


You are able to climb down these stairs and sure enough, just like Blake the Griffin had reported, you see this area off to the south where there are all these eggs scattered in little nests. And then in the middle, there's one conspicuous stalagmite that then just wiggles slightly. And as you kind of it doesn't see you because you're invisible. As you get closer, you climb up the wall a little bit and start dropping little chunks of food. And sure enough, you see it start to wiggle more and wiggle more, roll a deception check with advantage to see if you have a trick to this thing effectively, 13, 13, roll one more time down.


This is a great idea. So you're going to get advantage on this. I love it.


15, 15 and with a plus five on deception, which is what you have, that's a 20 total. What you see is this stalagmite.


First of all, open up this kind of hole on the side of it that then has an eye inside a beady red eye that starts looking around, then another crack on it opens up and there's these rows of jagged teeth. It's obvious that this thing is just disguised as a piece of rock, but it's very much a creature that then has all these tentacles that wiggle out of holes in the rock.


They start shooting out.


And as the chunks of meat fall all around the roper, it's like spider man or like a frog's tongue, just catching all the pieces of meat and tossing them into its mouth.


And it starts to look around like, where's this meat coming from? But more pieces keep falling. And it's like, I don't have time to watch.


I got to catch all these. And it has at least like five of these tentacles. But now it is very distracted trying to search around for all the missing pieces of food.


If you try to steal the eggs right now, you would have advantage.


OK, I would love to steal the eggs. Yeah, right. This will be your final roll then with advantage. OK, 2D twenty and you have a plus five on this too.


Two of them. Two of them. OK, can I do one here and then you end up there. Absolutely.


Absolutely. First one down here. Twelve twelve.


Seventy second one. Seventeen so far. Come on, give me some eggs. Give me some eggs. Was that AIDS, should we keep your name? But but you got a better role on that.


So is a 17 total on that with a 17 you will be able to grab? I'm going to give you this defore and that's how many eggs you are going to be able to find.


So if you want to roll that die right there, you are going to get away with this many eggs before the roper gets a chance to notice what you are doing.


That's a that's a three all three of the visible legs where you just found grab, grab, grab. And you can tell real quickly there are different colors. These eggs, they are all different colors.


And you're having trouble figuring out which ones which but you're gathering up three of them and you're able to run along behind Iraq now with those eggs, just as the roper turns to look at you and it knows where you are, it's Herge.


You kind of scuttling behind the rock. It's searching around for you, and it's going to try to get you with one of its tentacles. But it missed.


You feel this like tentacles reaching over your head and it like sticks against the rock above you and then pulls and it recognizes not pulling anything.


So it just peels off that rock and you duct invisibly underneath it.


In fact, he had disadvantage. Let me just make sure he didn't get a one so you don't get to attack him. But he missed you. And then Norm the Barbarian, it would be up.


And now you got the eggs. I got three eggs. Do you want to smash this this Roper thing or do you want to try to smash the eggs open or do we want to Hachem? I don't know.


Or should we run out of the cave? We're probably going to we should probably I'll go and then maybe we'll end with Jake.


So what should we maybe I'll point out, Norm, the ropers very distracted right now. If you're looking for more dragon eggs, somebody could sprint in use their athletics to try to do so real quickly, grab a bunch of eggs, not being sneaky about it. But while the ropers busy grab as many eggs as you can and then try to run back.


All right. I'll grab some more eggs. Are you sure you got three eggs now?


We'll grab some more or less. I mean, you can never have enough drag. That's a great point. All right.


This will be an athletics check then. And if you're raging, you now have advantage on this, OK?


Do we have the bandwidth to raise, like, a bunch of dragons we got? I think we just let them raise themselves.


OK, free range dragon. Yeah. We're not going to tell them.


Right. How to act right. We'll just leave everything behind and just let them go. All right.


Fifteen with a fifteen. So far so good. That's a twenty total with a plus five. But roll one more time just to see if you do any better. Three. Three. So we're taking the twenty total with a twenty total. You also can sprint in and by the time the roper turns to you and realizes what you're doing, you are already grabbing one D for eggs. So see how many eggs you can grab just kicking in on the top.


It took me a while to figure out one hundred percent.


It's always the same.


Whichever way you turn it on the top number for your eggs, you now have a total of seven eggs. You just like juggling all tossing them in your bag right now. And you, Norm and Wayne, can tell that in this high tree, besides all the eggs you found in the roper, there's also this kind of crevice off to the side that there's a little bit of sunlight glinting through.


Like this could be a back door to get out of here. But you need maybe to be able to climb very well like Norma, or at least be able to fly.


And so, yeah, I'm going to try to climb out of. Yeah. Can I blast this thing open, too, so we get more space so we can all get out of there.


Absolutely. Make an athletic stick to try it. You're trying to widen the hallway.


I want everyone to get out. Fluffy. Here we go. They fifteen. You're absolutely kicking a bunch of rocks and causing a small avalanche that then creates rubble slope that other people now have an easier time climbing out.


Well done. Excellent. Actually, in fact, with that slope, none of us need to make checks anymore. We can either fly out or just run out the slope and climb out easily, just run out of sunlight cake.


Any last things you were going to do is we're running out. You can make one investigation check to try to, like, grab more eggs. Or you could do one thing to the last turn your way.


I mean, seven is not enough. We're always wanting. Oh yeah. Go ahead and roll one. Investigate check. That's Dragon Eggs and that's why we don't want everybody.


We should also make the Griffin shit before it leaves. Billy's body goes out in the cave.


I don't want to take that with us. Oh, oh, I see some good numbers up there. Oh, that's nice.


We did not come back and you have a plus five on this, so with an 18 roll the D for one more time to see what our total tally of dragon eggs comes up to.


Whoa, oh, one, one. It's a one. So we rounded it out from a seven to an even eight dragon eggs. Very exciting.


You found one more.


But I'm going to say, since it's the last one, this is the one that has strange runic markings all over it. Strange symbols are glowing on this particular dragon egg as you grab it, wizard. And you were able to run out up the slope. And that is where we will as we run out with dragon eggs.


Tricky. Tricky, Tim, because I bet you nobody ever quits and gives up when they have eggs before they hatch.


That's good strategy on your part. What?


I'm a little concerned about the Rupnik egg. I like that.


Is there a chance that maybe somebody's got more active with this dragon than was led to believe in this might be his son.


Interesting. I don't know if you got any thoughts on that. Hey, I was just kidding.


Tim, thank you so much. Appreciate your time. Oh, absolutely.


Love you guys. I believe you have any thoughts or your fun fact. Platypuses are the only animals that are veterans. There's no chance that they're called platypus. Platypus, platypus. Yes. Maybe they're venomous.


They're not platypuses, but they're what? It's a complicated plural. I tried pusses platypus disease. OK. Platypus hisses Ah. What were you say? The only mammal that are venomous. How about that?


Is that it? He also lying to you about in. Tied to get my mother and father I take. Talking with them about the science behind today's. Shot at the.