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We are back and black on the black African network. Hey, y'all, is Tamika Mallory and my song, The General Sesame Street Politicians is the podcast for the culture. We will be breaking down social and civil rights issues, pop culture and politics on our podcast Every. We will have special guests as well with local activists to join the show discussing political issues going on in their community. Listen to street politicians on the I Heart radio at Apple podcast or wherever you get your pie.


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Talk how to spot a narcissist in your life. Everyone is getting hurt by this. I've never seen anything like this. The biggest warning signs. These are the people willing to manipulate, to exploit, to lie, to cheat, to steal.


I know some people like that.


The worst thing you can do to a narcissist is forgive them. They're going to take your forgiveness and turn it into a weapon.


You want a relationship with a malignant narcissist? How the hell do you get out that can be dangerous. You just blew my mind with that.


So today we're doing a show on narcissism that's really affecting people in a like a really strong way. I definitely feel like I have narcissistic traits. Definitely.


I don't know if I'm a clinical narcissist because there is a difference in the industry I'm in who's not a narcissist in it.


We cultivate narcissism in my industry.


Well, yeah, that's true. Everything is about me, me, me, me, me. All right. Well, let's go talk to our.


All right. Narcissist expert. So this is one of our most requested topics, yet this narcissistic epidemic is serious business for me. I'm just trying to end my journey as of late, just trying to identify any traits of narcissism within myself, which I know exist. I mean, one of the most narcissistic industry. I would agree with that. And then on top of it, now that we have social social media, I think that just breeds nor is that because I still find it a little strange to be constantly taking pictures of yourself and posting like going everywhere you go.


Well, I know for you, Willo, you've always had a very interesting relationship with social media because people would always be asking me, like post selfies, post selfies, and that would make me so like what's going like that says even in your state of your life, you do everything you can to get attention off of you.


Yeah. Like everything. Yeah.


But are you trying to tell you honestly, I think it's the coolest thing because you are so opposite of most young people your age. So today we have a beautiful woman that's coming to speak to us who's written many books on this subject, Dr. Ramani.


She is a psychologist, professor and a world renowned expert on narcissism.


Wow. Well, thank you. I've watched you talk about this. You're so passionate. I can tell that it is your life's work to have people understand what narcissism is all about. Everyone is getting hurt by this. I never I've never seen anything like this.


What is the definition of narcissism?


A lot of people think it's somebody who's just into themselves. That's what I thought could be anything. But it's actually almost the opposite of self-love.


I'd almost call it self-hate or these are people who have no empathy for other people. They're really grandiose. They're deeply entitled, they're arrogant. They can't deal with frustration. And when faced with frustration, they become rageful.


You can't win an argument with a narcissist. And I see that I see that in people so much they never want to feel wrong. So I always take it and I don't like that. So I just that that's 100 percent my thing, right? Because I'm like, this is going to be an argument. You're going to not want to feel wrong. So I'm just going to cut the middleman. Right. And just be like responsibility. I'm the person who takes all the blame.


Right. Here's the thing.


If you did it 10 times in a row with a partner who had some of these narcissistic tendencies, they could easily crawl in there and take advantage of extra. Other things that you're going to look for with a narcissist are constantly seeking validation. Narcissists are very, very sensitive, hypersensitive to the point of being paranoid, because when it comes down to the core, they're deeply insecure. Right.


So that's not self love. Right. Right. But because they're so insecure, they open up with, look how great I am.


And that's why it's all so well in the entertainment industry, because they can fake it till they make it. Want to keep faking it. Right. If you work in the entertainment industry, my husband is a narcissist.


It's not possible that it's all tied somehow to chase. It is not possible. It's like going to the beach and not seeing sand.


Yeah, it's really harmful because it's one thing to fake it for a performance.


It's quite another to be with a person who invalidates you all the time.


Are there different levels to narcissism?


So the classical form of narcissism is sort of what most people picture, that sort of grandiose, look how great I am. Look at my car, look at my dress. I'm all that right. So they sort of suck all the oxygen were often entertained by them. They're very charming. It's why people get drawn in. But the flip side of that or the narcissists, we miss what we call the overt narcissism.


Those are the dark nights of the narcissistic world because they come off as really victime.


The world never saw how great I was. You know, if the world knew how great I was, I'd be the next big thing. So they're very angry at the world. They're very solid. They can often look depressed. So we miss them because they're not putting on the big show we don't associate that with.


But they're angry, very angry, very angry.


They can be very dangerous as a result. All goes off.


Those are often covert racists. The Joker is a covert joker, has a very covert, narcissistic feel.


Exactly. That's crazy. That's because look at his whole life, which is nothing, which is exactly nothing when his way. And then he said, I'm going to make you see. Oh, that's scary.


Then we go on to the malignant narcissist, which to me is the most dangerous, dark narcissist of all, because these are the people who not only can be quite grandiose and charming, but they're willing to manipulate, to exploit, to lie, to cheat, to steal, to think that they're dangerous.


They. And to me, it's like the last stop on the train before being a psychopath. Yeah, one last one, though, what we call the noble narcissist. These are the people who do lots of good things, lots of charitable stuff and donate lots of money. But the reason they do it is only to get validation. These are the people like I need my name on the building. Lots of Instagram posts, hashtag rescue Saturday when they look really good, rescuing to make good.


Looks nice. Like you don't sweat. No sweat. So it's that.


But what they are is are often they look like a savior to the community. But behind closed doors they are cruel to their families, they're cruel to their partners. And everyone will say, you're so lucky to have that mother or father. They are saving the world. And you're thinking, oh, my God, my life is a living nightmare. This is deep.


Yeah, I know that. I'm like, that's for real.


What would be some of the traits? OK, the real thing that this all spins on is that lack of empathy. OK, just don't care about other people.


How do you notice that?


Like, OK, you're very distracted. They often like to say I have ADHD and like you have ADHD. Just manage to talk about yourself for an hour so that ADHD apparently only five minutes ago. So I know some people have context. Yeah, right. They can't be bothered. Yeah.


They can talk about themselves all the time.


And then once you say something they're like, how about we just go do something else.


Then you're just like, all right. Yeah.


And they just don't care when the conversation's not about that. So they will take, take, take. And that can be devastating for people. And it's a lot for a person to get their head around that. You just don't care.


I know there are just people who have those traits but don't necessarily have the diagnosis.


Very few people have the diagnosis. So you hear people talk about narcissistic personality disorder and that's the sort of mental illness. Right. But honestly, in the research, one to four percent. Wow. So people are saying, well, that can't be the case because it's like every other person I encounter. And that's because when we talk about narcissism, it's almost like an adjective, basically, like calling someone stubborn or friendly or agreeable. If you say someone's narcissistic, it's really a sign that this is someone where it's really invalidating to be in their presence.


Have you ever had experience? Oh, yes, really. It put me in dangerous situations. It made me cynical more than anything. It broke my heart for a while. I lived in that reality of I was nothing and I didn't deserve better than that. And to break those narratives, some of which were ancient for me, it took a lifetime of work. I've been in therapy for a long time. It's made me much more cautious. And so I'm very discerning when I meet new people like me.


What about you?


Were you ever hurt? Big time. Big time. Devastated because you bring people into your your inner sanctum when they make you believe that they're one thing. Yeah. And then something happens and then you realize they are something completely and utterly different and it can be very painful and dangerous.


And it also leads you to doubt yourself, because the biggest fall out of narcissistic abuse is the amount of self-doubt that leaves a person they doubt themselves professionally, personally, and their decision making chips and all their decision making.


Some of them will say, I can't even go to the grocery store anymore and make a reasonable decision. I always say to people, there's two surefire signs you're in a relationship with the narcissist. Number one, you feel compelled to start recording all your conversations. Oh, because you feel like I must have heard that wrong. That's how much they feel like they're losing their reality. Right. Number two, you feel the need to write these really long texts and emails to them explaining yourself because they don't listen.


Why would they read your email? But people will spend hours, days writing these long letters, emails, texts, explaining everything, thinking that maybe if they take the time to read it, they'll understand. I said they don't want to understand it. So you just wasted three days unless it made you feel better to write something else. I tell folks it's what I call the 90 10 rule. We tend to put 90 percent of our effort and our energy into the most toxic people in our world, leaving only 10 percent for the good, loving, healthy people.


Right? True narcissistic people are full time job. Yeah, if we flipped the math and gave 90 percent to the good people and 10 percent of the unhealthy ones, it would be so much better for our health. Yeah, sounds like narcissists know what they're doing. They're not aware that they're insecure. Their lack of self awareness means they're not even aware of what they're doing to other people. Sadly, narcissists get rewarded for their behavior. So it's hard.


They're always getting told by the world, you're great, you're fantastic. It's hard to end the pattern. Yeah. I have worked with clients who are in their 80s and I've worked with clients who are 18. And I'm going to be frank with you. I actually think the baby boomers are the most narcissistic generation of all.


So, you know, with the new generation. It's all about me, I got to make it about me and what ended up happening is they've kind of robbed the Treasury. The millennials are really suffering financially. They're putting their names on ice and the baby boomers are no problem sort of taking their half out of the middle. So that feels narcissistic to me.


All due respect to wow, that is really interesting.


I was not expecting that.


And so I actually think we're throwing the poor millennials under the bus. They've got a lot more heart than my colleagues who were the baby boomers just lost my job.


But now you just blew my mind. I would have never guessed it either.


The Millennials have their moments. Taking a selfie doesn't make you a narcissist, but living and dying by that selfie, that's where it becomes now.


What about your film? What about when every single photo on your Instagram? That's the view. That's what I'm saying. When it becomes a measure of a person's self that. Right. So you have to figure out what's normative.


Do you think people over time have just become just more insecure? I do. I do it in a way.


I think about it. I can't get you to buy something unless I can convince you you need it. So if I tell you you're a lot prettier if you're wearing a different pair of shoes.


Exactly. And if you are vulnerable to that message and most people are like, I need to have those shoes, how do you become a narcissist if you're not born that way?


There's no narcissistic babies. This one's on them squarely on understatedly on the shoulders of the parents. Kids who are narcissistic, either had narcissistic parents themselves or really distracted parents, kids who are overindulged, meaning that they get anything.


They all the attention, experience any money, but their emotional needs are completely undernourished. That's the difference there as far as they're concerned. They go to Disneyland every weekend, but sometimes they just want to cry and say, I feel sad, I feel scared, and there's no adult to be found when that happens. That over indulgence against under indulgence teaches the child that only they're outside external stuff matters and that kids who only get valued for what they do.


You kick a soccer ball. Well, you sing well, you get good grades, you look pretty. Those kids will not realize I'm only about the things I do and how I look. And nobody cares about my inside world. By the time they're about 16, 17, 18, that starts to emerge. And it's not a whole heck of a lot you can do about it. This is not a pattern that changes.


It doesn't change. So you telling me that a narcissist can't be cured?


Imagine that this is what this is what healthy you need to be for a healthy relationship right up here. OK, respectful, kind, compassionate there. Present all that good stuff. OK, here's the narcissist. All right. Even a good therapist like me and I have a third of my clients are narcissists. I can get them up to here. Hey, this is Dean Douglas, and I'm Jared Haven. Together, we host a podcast called Help I Suck at Dating.


Do you suck at dating? No, seriously, do you suck at dating?


Do you feel like you're always trying and trying to get it right and it just doesn't happen?


Are you going through a breakup asking yourself what happened? Did he say it's not you, it's me? Well, maybe it is you. We are here to help. We definitely started dating and somehow we turned it around.


When we started this show, we were both single.


But now Jared is married and has been in a relationship for over a year and he's happy.


We were both on The Bachelor and we learned a lot. We've enlisted the help of experts, teachers, coaches, celebrities, therapists, doctors, everyone who can help us so we don't suck at dating. Join us each week for help. I suck at dating, will laugh, will cry, but we'll get it figured out.


Listen, to help I suck at dating on the radio app, on Apple podcast or wherever you get your podcast and join the succ army.


Ever wondered why there are two ways to spell donuts or why some people think you can find water underground just by wandering around with a stick? Believe it or not, this is stuff you should know. You know the podcast with over a billion listeners. It's now for your eyes so you can read it. Stuff you should know. An incomplete compendium of mostly interesting things covers everything from the origin of the Murphy bed to why people get lost preorder. It's stuff you should know dot com or wherever books are sold.


We got a problem so we can teach them to be on time, but now they're on time and not listening to you. So how does one open their life to a narcissist? They're so good at making you feel like the center of their universe. We actually call it love bombing. It's like getting a butterfly under glass. It's a game. And then once they get the beautiful creature under glass, they put it up on a shelf and they forget about it.


I know it hurts that day. They discard you and just put you up on the shelf is a cold, dark day because you felt the sun was only shining for you.


I feel like a lot of people who have those issues in romantic relationships do that for some reason. Like they want to win you. Yeah. And then they get you. And then it's like now they turn right and they play the game.


Wow. They're really good at courtship. You know, it's the big gestures and everything happens too fast. You're moving in too fast. You're getting engaged too fast, you're getting married too fast. And in that way they kind of trap you even more. Narcissists are really controlling. Research shows they're more likely to get a partner than a person who's less narcissistic because they are so successful. So they make more money.


But the person that falls for that seems like it would be a person with really low self-esteem.


Maybe not necessarily, no. That's why it's strange. It's almost there's two groups. It's what you're saying. It's people who are themselves very insecure, who come from tough backgrounds and who are people pleasers. People pleasers are very vulnerable to narcissism. Where do they become people?


These are the dark days, but they fall for it because they want to fix and they run around in circles and they keep giving that narcissist all the supply.


The Nazis. God, yeah. But isn't people pleasing part of just wanting to be accepted and liked?


But why can't you just be enough without doing all the effort and. Yeah, yeah. When you people please you really are putting in an active effort almost like I'm not good enough. I'm doing something. Yeah, OK. I might have a bit of that alone. I do. Hearing it like that is like I used to hear people pleaser and be like, oh, that's not me. But then when it's like, oh no, like you want to help, it's more of like I'm here for you.


It's more like about me, like I feel like I'm not doing my part.


But then why do you have to do a part? And it's a natural relationship. It's not that effortful. But a lot of people can, especially women, grow up believing they have to do to earn love because believe it or not, love you, start seeing her from my codependent.


That's right. I don't. I'll take care of you in six weeks. We'll be back tomorrow. Yeah, that's right. And also very good. But on the flip side, and this is what's so interesting, people from really happy families fall for these folks because we want to think is really insecure. People with low self-esteem, people from really happy families actually believe love can cure everything. Let's forgive. What's your second chance? Is the worst thing you can do to a narcissist is forgive them and give them second chances because they're going to run with that and they're going to take your forgiveness and turn it into a weapon.


So what happens to the person that was in a relationship with a narcissist? People get stuck in this part of. It's like an addiction. It's like chasing a high. I've got people ten years into a marriage. We're saying, I just want to go back to that weekend in Miami where I said that we come almost ten years ago. I mean, I don't care how good the sex was.


I was still thinking, OK, what narcissists are masterful at is as soon as they feel like their partners pulling away, it's love bombing part two. And you see how it becomes an addiction, the other person in the relationship learns like, oh, if I start pulling back, then they'll do they're going to chase me. And that starts becoming a new dysfunctional cycle. But the big mistake that keeps people in is they think they can change the narcissist.


Some people spent 20 years trying to change this person. Oh, I'm going to dress differently. I'm going to lose weight. I'm going to make more money. I'm going to pay more attention. I'm going to watch football. I'm going to have makes one kid. I'm going to have five kids. And that's a lot of what keeps narcissists in business is we still believe in fairy tales. I really think someone's going to sweep in and make it all better.


So are they usually cloaked in, like, some sob story?


Oh, always. A lot of narcissistic people have really rough back stories, right. They may have been neglected. They may have been abused. But here's the rub. It's not an excuse for abusing someone. Now, that's never acceptable. And if somebody says the reason I'm like this with you, the reason I'm mean to you is because this was done to me. I tell the person who is being victimized by this, you got to get out because you didn't do that to them in the first place.


Exact abuse is never excusable. I don't care what a person's back story is.


So if you are in a relationship with a malignant narcissist.


Yeah. How the hell do you get out? It's not easy, it's actually scary and it can be dangerous. Like I'm not going to sugarcoat this. Please just find your power and walk out. Right, because malignant narcissists do something we call coercive controls. It's like what you see in classical domestic abuse situations. They track a person's comings and goings. They know everyone you talked to. They isolate you from the people you love. You don't feel like you have a safe place to go to anymore.


There's often financial abuse. People in these relationships will sometimes give up their careers because they've become so isolated and they're faking it to the world many times. Other people don't know how bad it is now. In the worst of these cases, it gets very dangerous. There's a need for restraining orders and sometimes these stories do end tragically. There's no minimizing this. I have worked with women who it takes us four or five years to get them out and there's no clock on this.


So it's because of the mental and emotional attachment it is, but it's mental and mental control, somebody literally running you like a puppet. And so and then sometimes people leave and it's terrifying there. They are years in court dealing with horrific custody battles because many times a narcissist doesn't actually really want the kid. They want to stick it to their dad. And that narcissistic parent may turn those kids against their healthy parent. That's not unusual either. So the fallout from this is huge.


I get that. I think we have so much judgment when we see people and certain kinds of entanglements and not really understanding one hundred percent.


Well, it's all about what they're personal about. You know, they don't have the danger of it also is how they would think.


It's how they package it. If you're going to be with me, I'm going to take care of you.


You don't have to work. Oh, you know, I'd say you just enjoy your life and you don't need those friends over there. They don't need everything.


You don't always wait for the ultimate narcissistic love sentence. No one's ever going to love you.


The way I do that is that's like wearing a malignant narcissist. I go back to out. I go to the bathroom during the day. I went to the bathroom like you need to get out. Like one is going to love you like I do. But yet some people think that's romantic.


I'm in there's so many songs that I never considered love songs, psychopathology song writing like this really, really dark song. Every move you make, right. Every breath you take, I'll be watching. Yeah that's Anomalocaris. Just looks like we could make it sound like a whole like playlist. Right, because it's really scary.


But keep in mind too, what malignant narcissist and all narcissist due to their partners, they confuse them. They do something called gaslighting. And just when you doubt someone's reality, OK, because people say that a lot. And I wasn't quite sure what that meant either. You're being too sensitive is a classic example of gaslighting because you are actually denying someone's emotions. That never happened. I never said that you're crazy. You're the narcissist. That's all, gaslights.


Oh, it's like being in a cult. It's like living with a bunch of mirrors. But none of them show your own reflection. That's what it's like to be a narcissistic.


Wow. I mean, oh, my God, that's so scary. They overtake their minds and the person is so confused that it gets to be too hard to leave. They actually believe they're a bad person, they're too sensitive, they're foolish, they're stupid, and that's their self talk.


Where does that term come from? Because I don't even get that means what it means.


It comes from a movie called Gaslight, and it was about a man who lives in a house back in the old days when you had gaslights and you could turn them up and down and change the intensity of the light. And he kept fooling with the levels of the gaslight and she'd say, oh, have you turn up the lights? He said, no.


I come in and she goes crazy. She goes. She goes. Yeah. Mm hmm. Oh, my God, that's where the term comes easy. Yeah. Hey, everybody, this is jail. Scott and I am pleased to introduce you to Jadot Il, the podcast. I am joined by my amazing, brilliant girlfriend like St. Clair, What I know. And Aja, great dance. Hey, y'all. We are going to be talking about a lot of amazing things like individuality, family and blackness.


Oh, Jill, I don't have time to listen to a podcast himi listen, when you're sulking in your bathtub, listen on your long drive home or when you're shopping at the grocery store, just throw those earbuds in and check out Jadot in the podcast. Listen to Jill Scott presents Jadot Il, the podcast on the I Heart radio app, Apple podcast or wherever you get your podcast. Hey, Caitlin Durante. Yeah, Jamie Loftus, don't you wish there were a podcast that examined some of everyone's favorite movies using an intersectional feminist lens?


Well, yes, I do. Well, good news. It exists. And it's our podcast. What? How did I not know?


I know the Bacto cast is a weekly show where we invite our favorite comics, writers and film critics to bring one of their favorite movies and tear it to shreds with us using the Bechdel test as a jumping off point for discussion like how Indiana Jones and Consent is not great or how Tangerine is one of the greatest romps of all time, or how the Cheetah Girls are feminist icons with a streak of trouble in capitalism.


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Hey, this whole ad, the test. Well, except for Indiana Jones. Wow. He ruins everything.


We asked you our RTT famm about how narcissism has affected your lives and we receive thousands of messages from across the world.


First, we have a Lisa Bloom from Chicago. Hi, Lisa.


Hi, everyone. So nice to meet you. So share with us what's going on.


My situation is a little tricky, OK? It's about my mother. Oh, wow.


Basically, growing up, my mother has always made statements like all my kids do is take, take, take for me. She's made statements that her life would be better off without children. And so when I decided to become a mother, which was a big choice, especially when you hear growing up that kids are not a great idea, I found myself triggered by just being a mom.


But I would look at him with resentment and anger the same way that I experienced as a kid. Even to this day, we could talk on the phone for a little bit or she can come for a visit. And then I'm sad. I'm angry. So with someone like myself who has a relationship with a parent who can exhibit some narcissistic traits, how do you continue on in your life and how do you stop yourself from inflicting that type of pain on your own kid?




It's such a great question. First of all, you said an important word, which was grief many ways when a person as a narcissistic parent, what they grieve is that they they they didn't get the thing that every child deserves, which is a loving, consistent parent. And that's a huge part of the healing, recognizing that so you can grieve it and let it go. What's striking me, though, is you still have contact with your mom and those conversations leave you feeling depleted, invalidated.


Those are classical reactions. Part of your healing is putting up better boundaries with mom. I don't care if you have to set a timer during those phone conversations, you might notice that you hit the wall at five minutes, eight minutes, ten minutes. Do not stay on the phone with her for too long because I hate to say it and forgive me for being this dismissive, but it's like a toxin, you know, and if you keep taking it in, you're not going to feel good.


Being invalidated doesn't feel good. And I actually applaud you for your willingness to try to maintain that relationship. But you have to do it in a way that preserves you. You need to learn to mother you because you didn't get that. So in some ways, resenting your son is because you're having to mother yourself at the same time, your mothering your son. That's a lot of work, something out of your wages.


You are not to blame for your mother dropping the ball. That was her responsibility. Make sure you stay clear on that.


Oh, wow. Thanks, Lisa. I hope that helps you on your journey. Yes.


Now we have Sharon from New York. Hi, Sharon. How are you?


I'm doing good. Thank you so much for having me. So my ex boyfriend and I have two children together. Is a narcissist, jealous and controlling. About four months ago, I broke up with him and had been attempting to cooperate. But it's been horrible. He continues to try to control me being jealous, asking me where I am and even goes as far as texting my son to find the answers when I tell him where to go after he leaves and we get nowhere.


So I need to know how do I navigate this? I want my kids to have a relationship with their dad, but at the same time, I need to have healthy boundaries in place for that to happen.


Sharon, you said something interesting. I'm co parenting with him. You're actually not. You're a single parent with an elephant on your back. You are going to have to be the strong link in this chain for them. You're going to be the one who teaches them empathy. You're going to be the one who teaches them how to manage their emotions. And you have to be that consistent space because it's not unusual for narcissistic parent to turn kids around against their other parent parents almost turn them into spies against that parent.


This isn't going to be an easy journey, you're going to need support and the other thing, Sharon, is it's critical. You document everything, you keep every text message, you keep every voicemail, even though you weren't married. So you'd have to go through a divorce. You may still have to deal with family court. And documentation is everything. You don't get to waltz into a courtroom and say he's a narcissist, they're not going to hear it.


So you need to monitor the situation more closely than anyone because you are their advocate. And keep an eye on those kids. Like if they start feeling like they're getting anxious, you need to step in and make sure they get the services they need. This isn't an easy road for them, but you need to take care of you. Every day of this is going to feel like a difficult battle and journey. Please be ready for that, because he's not going to go quietly.


He's always going to try to control you long after those kids turn 18. Sharon, you think you can do that? Yeah, I'm going to try. It's a process. Process. Yeah. Just make sure you go into the community and try to get yourself some help. Yes. Because you need support in this. Yes.


Don't be shy to use domestic abuse resources. A lot of things. These aren't relevant to me. Right. I'm not getting beaten up. That's actually a small sliver of what they do. They are really good at understanding coercive control and emotional abuse. And they often have some of the best advocates and know that you're not alone.


We had a lot of people writing about this exact kind of scenario. Thank you, Sharon. Thank you.


The awareness is on point. Maybe No. One. It is. This is where the Internet changed the game because you're looking up. My partner does not listen to me and I'm always walking on eggshells, being a narcissist.


And back in the day, how would you have known that? Next is Jeannie from Maryland. Hey, Jeannie, what can we help you with today? So for the past nine years, I've been in a very toxic and emotionally abusive relationship. We've broken up several times and he always manages to suck me back in. And part of me feels like it's because I'm afraid to get old alone. And my 16 year old daughter keeps telling me I deserve better this time.


I don't want to get sucked back in and I just don't know how to let go.


OK, so what does he say? What does he do to pull you back in? I love you.


I miss you. I can't live without you. I know I screwed up. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.


And since you've been to this rodeo a few times, you know that that's not going to happen. I want you to take the time and write down every terrible thing he's done. You need it all in one place, because when you want to hear I love you, it's amazing how selective our memory becomes. We engage in something called euphoric recall. We only remember that one good thing in the midst of a thousand bad ones, you need to almost be popped out of the kind of hypnosis that happens.


That's number one. Number two, by being in a relationship with him, there's times you missed out on certain things in your life, friendships. You didn't pay attention to, experiences you didn't have. When we think about loneliness, we make it too much about a partner, and I get that. But go and do those things with your friends, like watch the movies you would watch with you. Stay at the party late, because what happens when you get so focused on making a connection with a partner?


We forget that there's all these other people we can get connection from. And the more we practice healthy connection, the less willing we will be able to take the junk that someone like him is sending your way. It also requires you to step up to the plate of your own soul and remind yourself you deserve better. You have to be able to do that for yourself. I can't tell you no one at this table can tell you this is an exorcism.


You've got to let this demon go.


Yeah. Yeah, it is. Change your phone number, Jany. You change your phone number.


And what about her? If she can't put herself first, think about her daughter. That's right. I totally agree with Camila because you know what she's going to learn here, Ginny? She's going to learn judgment about men. And if she sees that her judgment was on and you acted in accordance with that, you may be protecting her from making the same exact same mistake. Thank you, Jane. Thank you, Jane. Thank you. Good night.


You got this. Thank you. This was really enlightening. Thank you for making this amazing show to hear. Three generations. Yeah, it's it's unreal. Like you really have like. Thank you. I can just say on behalf of the people I get to help, you're making a difference.


You bring tears to my eyes. That's what we do. Hayati family join our red tabletop group on Facebook to become part of the conversation and be sure to follow the show page to catch up on all our episodes. So we're here with Dr. Momani, so we're talking about narcissism, Swiper. All right.


What a pleasure. Thank you so much. I think people will benefit from that because big.


To join the red table, talk family and become a part of the conversation, follow us at Facebook dot com slash red tabletop. Thanks for listening to this episode of Red Tablecloth podcast produced by Facebook Watch Westbrooke Audio and I Heart Radio.


On September 17th, 2009, 24 year old Mike Chris Richardson disappeared without a trace in the woods near Malibu, California, and was never seen alive again. I'm Catherine Townsend, host of the podcast Houngan.


We're going to try to find out what really happened to my Chris Richardson School of Humans and I heart radio present. Helen Season three, listen to hell. And gone on the I Heart radio app, Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.