This is the secret syllabus podcast. I remember the good old times when I was a college student and then 20/20 hit. Hi, I'm Hannah Ashton. And I'm Katie Tracy. We're here to fill in everything they missed in our college curriculum, just like you were confronting the unknown.

And if we're being honest, we need all the advice we can get.

Listen to the secret syllabus on the I Heart radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts, see after class. It's no secret that in Washington, D.C., corruption is everywhere, and I should know my mom's the speaker of the House, my friends are all in the same boat, daughters of the D.C. elite. When are this close to power?

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I'm Jada Pinkett Smith and this is the Red Tablecloth podcast. All your favorite episodes from the Facebook Watch show in audio produced by Westbrooke Audio and I Heart Radio. Please don't forget to write and review on Apple podcasts on this red tabletop the road roadblocks between you and unconditional love. I've done some very unloving things to people that I love because of my ego. That Jada baby, she ain't cute.

So many people are in relationships out of fear. Do you think you and Daddy's relationship started with lust? I don't think that was an entry point. You've been married four times. I don't think any one of them accepted me for who I was. I've heard this and that's where I hate it. When your man asked for sex, you better give it to him or he's going to go somewhere else. Later, we sit down with Jerry, a former monk and a global phenomenon who's inspirational videos have been viewed over four billion times.

I probably said I love you a few too many times when he wasn't real. I heard a lot of people.

And then we'll meet his wife Roddy as they share their secrets for keeping love strong. I just think you guys are the prettiest couple outside.

Oh. This is an interesting read table because this particular red table has been inspired by all the conversations we've been having in the house about love.

Love is a subject that one that I've been talking about, love and actually tried to.

Yeah. What's your biggest question right now in regards to love? I would have basically everything, but I would have to say it can get really confusing because, you know, you can think that you love somebody. And then now you're feeling like, oh, no, I want to control this person also people always people this love has this weird thing of like you have to do certain things, act a certain way, treat me a certain way to get certain areas.

I love unconditional love. Exactly. But that's how most people think about. Right. You've been married four times game. Do you think that this is the first marriage that you have had, that you feel that you're in more alignment? Absolutely. With your partner? Absolutely. I see the error in my you know, my other marriages. Like I remember my second husband describing me as a diamond in the rough world about me all the time.

And I thought that that was so sweet at the time.

And I and I thought that was OK. But it was really an indication that I wasn't good enough.

Right. Because he had to polish me up.

Know, I didn't even see that bring out the shine with my third husband. He wanted me to be somebody else.

I think he saw me and felt like, oh, I can groom this person and mold her into what I really want her to be. And so I don't think either one of them really accepted me for who I was at the core.

And I think just in the space that I'm in right now, because, you know, I'm so happy right now, you know, I'm in this relationship with my husband for seven years.

We're coming up on our third year anniversary.

So what is this specifically with with your relationship with Rodney that makes you feel I just loved more or feel so differently? Yeah, I just feel like he knows me, you know, and accept me and accepts me as I am. And I just feel like he is so patient with me because I have a lot of issues where I really do.

Well, one of the things that I learned about love is allowance and that you can't. Try to shame someone, mold someone, why blame someone into being what they should be for you is actually quite unloving, right? And it's not for me to try to beat you down and force you into. Right. You being something for me. If I have a friend that's a cat, I'm not going to ask you to be a dog. Right, right.

Right, right. You know, because there's one thing in growing and then there's one thing. And just asking somebody to just do something and change something, that's just not good. And guess what? Nobody needs to grow for you. You grow because guess what?

If you want to do nothing for you, it's true.

But the one thing that I have been learning about love is that ego has no place. In regards to learning how to love wow that I've gotten. Very clear place whatsoever, evaluating all of my relationships and dissolving all the ego that's entangled in all of them and just realizing that a lot of my relationships have been steeped more in ego than in love. Wow. And so now the challenge for me is it has been just dissolving all that ego and being able to have more allowance.

And people are here for me. I'm not entitled to anybody's kindness. I'm not entitled to anyone's commitment. I'm not entitled to anything from anyone. And that anything that anyone gives me as someone decides to love me, someone decides to befriend me. It's a gift. It is not an entitlement. And I think that I've gone into a lot of my relationships feeling deeply entitled. Really?

Oh, God, yes. And you really like that kind of person?

I don't. But that that that that's that's the tricky, insidious part to the ego. And this is gonna sound crazy, but if my love being somebody is going to be based on how they treat me. And could be too many people that I love, let's say real talk. Yeah, because and vice versa. I've committed some acts and I've done some very unloving things to people that I love because of my fear and my ego, because once my ego kicks in, we are in trouble because that Jada.

Baby, she ain't, you know, and she's a vicious one and she's mean you're the epitome of or you know. And so, yeah, not as real time. Even in my pain, I've had to learn to be more open, be more vulnerable, not go to the space of ego and lay it down. You know, you got to lay it down. Yeah, well, and I had a conversation recently that love and fear are fraternal twins when any time you trying to love on a deep level, you going come up against a vicious face of fear.

OK, somebody hurt you. First thing your friends say, girl, leave them. Right, right, right, right, right, right. Why are you even dealing with that? They don't care about the details. He hurt you. He did what she did. What time to go. It's all steeped in fear. What people don't think about you.

What people are going to say. What it says and again, is it going to happen again, all the messaging that is being brought up that, you know, makes you feel like you're not worthy?

What it says about you, but, you know, and then you have other women, you have even therapists that will tell you take care of your man first.

You you have therapists tell you, listen, I've heard this and I swear I hate it when I hear it. When your man asks for sex, you better give it to him or he's going to go somewhere else.

Let them what what it makes you feel about yourself.

Right. All fear. OK, so then the ego kicks in. If you're like me, you probably start thinking about what to eat for dinner while you're eating lunch. I love food. That's why I love using post meat. But I kind of love them even more right now because I can get food delivered without leaving the house or even opening the door, given what's going on in the world. They created noncontact delivery. So now when I order from local restaurants, everything gets left right outside my door.

They also have Postmus pickup, which I have been using to order takeout from my favorite local restaurants. Listen, you guys need to be supporting your neighborhood spots right now. I've only been ordering local because it's a great way to support my community. And Postmus doesn't just deliver burgers and sushi. They actually make my life easier by picking up everything I need from Walgreens and even 7-Eleven and dropping it off right outside my door. Just download Postmus on iOS or Android.

Find your favorites and get anything you want delivered within the hour for a limited time, Postmus is giving our listeners one hundred dollars of free delivery credit for your first seven days to start your free deliveries. Download the app and use Code Red. That's code red for one hundred dollars of free delivery credit for your first seven days when you download the Postmus app. Anything you need, anytime you need it. Postma it. Welcome to Teach Me Something New, a podcast from my heart radio in Britain.

I'm your host, Brit. I'm an entrepreneur, a CEO and a mom. And I'm curious about a lot of things. But how do you learn about everything?

The answer to make the world's best experts teach you this show is about inspirational thinkers, scientists and artists who are passing their expertise onto us in less than an hour. We've already learned about so much together and I cannot wait for what's next. My co-host, investee and I are back with brand new episodes every Wednesday. First up is Glenn and Doyle, activist and bestselling author of the hit book Untamed. She's teaching us how to embrace our most authentic selves.

Listen to teach me something new on the I Heart radio app, Apple podcast or wherever you get your podcast. And then the ego goes, are we about to take care of it, is she going to feel it or he's going to feel it? We will be angry, but we're not going to hurt.

I always turn it into comedy and people think I'm so mean comedy.

Yeah, I'd rather laugh about it than be angry or cry about it. I've learned to just cry. That's how I hope I would just rather laugh, then start crying or be like, if you like, I just want to be like, oh, you're a comedian. Totally get it. That's funny. See, sometimes we have our coping mechanism and that doesn't necessarily mean that that coping mechanism is true. Yeah, it's just way the way you are.

This is the bands that you're putting as the mask of that. I'm going to make this funny. Your ego. That's how your ego works. The ego comes in and goes, oh, no, they're a comedian. Yeah, we're going to make this funny. So laugh. Yeah. Your father does the same thing.

Yeah. Yeah. It's a nervous thing, but the ego creates all these defense mechanisms, so we don't have to feel what is actually falling asleep. He'll fall asleep. That's his. He'll be like, oh, I'm sorry, I'm just a little tired today. Yeah. Until we had like a Igoe. Guess what, I'm not actually there to handle what is in front of me. And I know that the hurt won't kill me. Exactly.

The question is, why are you in romantic relationships? Why do you seek them out? Let me tell you the tricky part about it. OK, so you enter into a relationship based on. It looks less and less attractive. Yeah, right. Everybody wants to love how you want all those things that made you feel like you were the only one you used to make me feel like this and we used to do this. But you are still trying to grasp a feeling or a part of time in your life that doesn't exist.

Do you think you and Daddy's relationship started with lust or. Yeah, you know, it's so funny, I've really been looking at that, so there's that. Let's bring Jay out. All right. Miceli who, if you can believe it, not long ago was a monk. Now he's an international phenomenon. His viral videos on wisdom have reached billions. Yes, billions. And his massive following, including many famous faces, flock to his advice on love and relationships.

Well, I'm so grateful to be here. Thank you so much for having me. Honestly, I'm so happy to be at the table.

Can we just talk a little bit of how you became a monk?

I was 18 years old, the same age as you believe. And I was just doing what every 18 year old in London did. I was going out, had great friends. We were traveling. And so I'd go and hear CEOs, celebrities influence to speak. Every single week. I met people who were beautiful. I met people who were famous. But I don't know if I met anyone who was really happy. Yeah.

And then once I found out Monk was going, so I went there. And for the first time in my life, I felt like I was experiencing happiness through this monk. And so I was just drawn to it. So I went up to him and network like you do with someone. Anyway, I don't know how you network with Monk, but I did. And I was just like, hey, I love your energy.

Like, how do I get more of this? Right. So in your journey, what have you found out about love?

I think the beautiful thing that we're all doing here is recognizing that there is no just one path. So I started dating when I was 14. Got it. And from 14 to twenty two, I had multiple relationships, tons of girlfriends, short term, long term.

Pretty much everything was just normal, totally normal.

I probably said I love you a few too many times where I wasn't real or I didn't really know what I meant. I probably heard a lot of people in the process. I know I did. I had a lot of people.

And so when it came to being among a lot of that for me was unpacking all of that.

And I started to look at my beliefs around love and relationships. And I realized so many of them were built by movies, music and media. I remember watching a movie and just think like, oh, I have to have a girlfriend. Yeah. And I was like 12 years old or something. And I just like, no, I need to have a girl in my life because that looked cool or whatever it was.

And so then when I was a monk, I was sitting there and one of the biggest things I made a mistake before as well was I think I used to do nice things for women because it made me feel better about myself. So I would do the most luxurious day, like I take them to the nicest place I'd show up in the nicest, probably the nicest clothes I'd give the gift. And I don't know if I was genuinely doing it for them.

Yeah. Or actually just doing it for me. So they'll be like, you're amazing. You're the guy when you become a monk.

And I shaved my hair off, you wear robes. It's like no one's impressed anymore, you know, it's like there's no one giving you that external validation anymore because you're almost, you know, just totally different. You stripped down.

That's the right word. Yeah. You stripped down. And so for me, that gave me this silence and the space to go inward without having the distraction or validation or self-worth from another mirror of event.

And I had to do it for me because now there was no one there to give me that. Yeah, right. The monks were not going to do that.

So you were celibate for those three years? Yes. Not only was it the celibacy was like working through all of this and going, where is this belief come from? And I was like, oh, this belief comes from a movie. OK, is that really important to me? Right.

No, it isn't just important because I watch that movie and my friends like that movie and just going through that process of just taking stuff out, weeding it out, taking out the weeds, exactly what my beliefs of love were.

So what have you discovered? I know it's so hard for that one definition. I can't even wrap my mind. Well, you know, because the focus for me and defining love just has gotten deeper and deeper and deeper over the years because I do believe that it's peeling back the layers. It's like an onion.

You know, for me, my favorite definition I can say that I think is the most accessible as well is that love is a verb, not a noun. Absolutely. And that to me, takes away a lot of the misconceptions. It's an action because people experience abuse within their policies. I love you.

Well, people experience violence or even verbal abuse and then people say, I love you.

But if you know that love is a verb, not a noun, you start to start making the right decision. You stop, figure out, does someone really mean it? Are they showing you?

Are you showing it to the A for you to write? Like, how are you displaying this? How are you demonstrating it? And this is one of the biggest things that I've definitely learned. And I think in my relationships and people have probably learned dating me is that just when someone shows you their true colors, don't try to repaint them. Oh, yeah, right. Like, that's the biggest issue. We're trying to upgrade people to be our perception.

Yeah.

And we call it love. Yes. I love you. So this is why I'm doing this. What are some points that you could give people to help know when you're in an ego state? When it comes to being in a love relationship, I feel like there's so much of our identity, so much of our egos that are steeped in our relationships, that we need our partners to feed our egos, not. Yeah, absolutely.

And I think it's a hard one for the ego feels happy when you have lots of people saying nice things. Exactly. You get lots of people agreeing with you even if you don't agree with yourself. Exactly right. Like when we were getting ready, we ask a million people, how do I look? Right. Right.

We didn't ask ourselves, how do we look right now? How do I look for myself? Why do I feel confident in this? Do I feel happy in this? Do I feel comfortable in this? But we asked everyone else. Yeah, just asking yourself, like building up your own opinion of yourself. Right. That's that's when you start removing ego. And I think also ego plays its tricks when we're building your validation based on others.

That's the other's flaw. So you're taking on this flaws and standing on top of them to feel higher.

And, you know, that's a real insidious act that happens a lot in intimate relationships. It's like I know more than you.

And that's one of the biggest challenges to with comparison with love, especially like I have so many friends who come up to me like, oh, did you hear so-and-so?

Like they were dating like they did in three months. They got married like they love each other. Right. Or like, oh, I've been on for ten years and he hasn't proposed or she hasn't done this yet.

And that comparison complex is everything because again, you're going outside of yourself to mirror on to your own life and other people's relationship.

Exactly. Simplifying starts with removing comparison from our lives. When we just move out comparison, it naturally simplifies where we're at because now we're the validators of ourselves and where we're moving and where we're going. Ego feeds off of talking bad about others because we're basing our happiness on someone else's.

Yeah, low point, which just feels so dirty. Talk about it just doesn't feel like clean or dark. Yeah, but, but that's that's an ego. So I think we have to stop our ego in these moments. It's not necessarily even with our partner.

Yeah, right.

We stick with our partner and we say, oh, did you see like we're so much better than them or like did you see did you see them at the table? Like they didn't even know how to communicate again, like you as your partnership is built on someone else's demise. Yes. Comparative superiority. Yes. Yes. That's that's already. That's the part. That is the problem. Comparative superiority. That's the name for it. Right. That's it.

So we and we all you know, we've all been just gossiping is the worst. All of it. There is something that we all struggle with.

And so I know I do. It's no secret that in Washington, D.C., corruption is everywhere, you could say it's gone viral and I should know my mom's the speaker of the House. My name is James Parker. My friends are all in the same boat. Daughters of the D.C. elite. When are this close to power? There's nowhere to hide. And when my friends and I got a little too visible, our parents broke us up.

But now I need them back because I'm in deep. You see, I'm a bit of a hacker in here.

No one knows me as James Parker. They only know me as Storm the and Storm Ally. Well, she went poking around somewhere she shouldn't have. I'm James. I'm Peyton. I'm Celia. I'm Natalie. And we're the daughters of DC. Join me and my friends for Daughters of DC, a new twelve part scripted podcast, political thriller from the team that brought you Lethal It Einhorn's Epic Productions and I Heart Radio. Listen to Dogs for Free and I heart radio, Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcast.

Hi, this is Hillary Clinton, host of the new podcast, You and Me both, there's a lot to be anxious and worried about right now, and it's made so much worse by the fact that we can't be together. So I find myself on the phone a lot, talking with friends, experts, really anyone who can help make some sense of these challenging times. These conversations have been a lifeline for me.

And now I hope they will be for you to please listen to you and me both on the I Heart radio app, Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Your wife is here? Yes. We want to bring her out. Jane, his beautiful wife, he met in a meditation class where he was teaching, but he'd already committed to becoming a monk. Three years later, when Jane left monkhood, he remembered writing almost instantly. They fell in love and married.

Now they're sharing their secrets of how they keep their love strong. I just think you guys are the prettiest couple.

I know you guys so much beauty. I have one question for you. I just want to know if the fact that Jay was a monk was that off-putting for you at all? Because I almost feel like it's like, oh, my God, he's so spiritual. I'll never be able to live up to that. I actually was a stage when I was really seeking spirituality. And so for me, I was like, wow, this person has become a monk and he has so much wisdom.

And for me it was more of an attraction point. I was like, wow, he's just a spiritual person living a normal life, but with great integrity and spiritual values. Who was the first one who said, I love you? Oh, I think it's probably me, I guess.

I think we kind of went from like you to love you in like a week.

We literally it was when it was very, very quick. And then we were like we were one hundred percent getting married. I want to be with each other and we know we're going to get married. And I think and I think a lot and that's what I was doing earlier. Like you have you have you lost and you have love. Yeah. And then sometimes we all come back to learning, which is actually in between stuff. And so I think we did that too.

Like we fell in love. We knew we were committed, we loved each other. But then came the learning.

Oh yeah. Yeah. I mean, it wasn't like it was just when we got married and we started living together in classes and said, you want to skip it, you can skip the money. Right. So you either do it upfront or you do it off, but you can't skip that step. Right. And and I knew I was confident that I loved her because of my previous experiences, because of having lived as a monk and becoming really aware of what I was looking for in a partner and what I believe my partner would stand for and be for me.

J with this she do that makes you feel the most love.

I think one of the biggest ones that I going to say, because I think it's it's unique, is that she makes me feel like she's really secure with me, but also not to have her pick holes and find faults all the time.

I think that's really special for me because it makes me want to be even better. Emoted encourages, encourages me. And I was made to feel stronger and better and want to live up to that.

What is it that she does that makes you feel loved? He's so emotionally available. From the beginning when I was completely shut off, I was not used to being emotionally available at all. And he no matter how hard I was in my exterior, he was just constantly emotionally available. And still, we've been married for two and a half, three, three years.

We've been married for three years and still every single day. He's very expressive of how he feels, whether it's I just love you or thank you's. And I think just those daily things on a regular basis, just letting that person know where you're at and how you're feeling, your gratitude will be falling asleep. And I'm so grateful for that. What you did today, the idea of emotional availability, I think is so important and so strong. And I feel like there's always going to be one partner that might have more availability.

And I think having at least one person like that, it kind of helps the other person open up and break through as well. And it doesn't mean that you have to be this romantic love letter type person, because I'm not like that. But I also think they're such a good thing about having a filter out of love that comes that you're speaking through. Yeah, let things out. It's just because we we haven't taken the time out of love for that person has to filter it.

Yeah. Because you're letting you go because you want to. I've got to get like I need to win this thing that I'm so actually it's just me out there and. Yeah. Yeah. I mean I'm not well I'm just some you know this would be all day and this is me learning like this that I haven't gotten this down at all. But I just think that is what it takes. It's like, OK, I love whoever we are speaking to, whether it's your partner or anybody else in an argument, it's like, wait, do we want to give out a feeling of hate to that person is energy and be carrying with our words?

And and and I think it's just becoming really aware of how people react to disagreement. We react totally differently. Yeah, I want to talk it out and she wants to be quiet. Yeah. She doesn't enjoy diving. So I'm like, let's go.

I'm like, yeah, that's good. That's very intimidating to some people. I just want to collect my thoughts and I want to speak to you properly. But I need a moment to get over me being upset before I speak to you and me being angry before I speak to you. I'm not judging believe that more. So how do you reconcile that difference when we first started?

Seeing those disagreements arise, and I remember saying to I said, you have to realize this when we are fighting, when we're getting there, it's not me vs. you, it's us versus the problem. Yeah, right. Like, it's not me against you. You have to see that we're a team. It's us against the problem. And if we don't see that we're a team, whether it's a problem, a person, a situation that we're vs. then we're going to lose every time together.

Yeah. Because you're winning and losing is still a loss for the same team. But you can have a winner and a loser. So we either win together or lose together. I'm a competitive person. I love winning. But I realized that in your relationship, you've got to put winning together as the priority.

I love winning. I love winning.

But you can still win.

Do you serious? That's a real that's a real thing. And for us competitive women, let's listen to this. Yeah. Oh, that's so that's huge. Oh, man, this is great. Let's bring out the fish bowl.

Yes, I got some fish questions. Yes, random.

These are random. So you guys are our guests. Oh. Do you believe in love at first sight? I think this is I'm going to have to say, no, no, it's impossible to love someone. Exactly. I feel like when you see someone and you feel you love them, it comes down to you. There's something that physical, financial, mental, emotional. It's really spiritual or deeper. So it's like physical. Like I want them.

Like, they look they look amazing financial or I like what they have. Yeah. I like the things they have. And then it's meant to it's like, oh I like the way he or she thinks they blow my mind but that is mean. You love them, you're just like an aspect of them and then it's like emotional like oh I think they could fill that gap in my life like I need them. And so I feel like that's what we're feeling.

That's why I don't believe in love at first sight, because what we're really experiencing is not love. It's either lust. Exactly. It's without learning. It's just the first thought that comes to your mind about that person. Totally. Yeah.

So I don't believe in love at first sight. I'm sorry. Sorry to break any hearts, but, you know, like the game.

All righty. Let's see what we have here. Willo, what's the one thing about love that scares you.

The one thing about love that scares me is being tricked into thinking that. You need it from someone else. That's the scariest thing I see is people getting tricked into thinking that, oh, my love comes from this source. This person like this is where I get all my love. So it's almost like a dependency, a dependency on someone.

It's too much pressure. Not actually no one's going to live up to that. Yeah. Yeah.

No one's going to live up to that pressure. Exactly. And if you think it's all about them, that means when they disappear, once you go, then you have and then you can be happy.

Yeah. And then people say, oh, you're happy. That's such a powerful point.

That's such a that's the really scary part. I love that. What's the number one thing that you want me to know about love?

Well, I would say my hope for you is to know that there's a source far higher than any of this. Exactly. That has the most unconditional love and that this becomes your reflection, as you know. And I feel like as you grow and as you develop this relationship here, that everything else will fall into place.

And we never had these conversations. We're having them now.

And I'm so grateful to you. I just feel like the fact that you are having this conversation, it's affecting so many, so many people. Read table.

Right, right, right, right. For Instagram. Yes. So we'll let you know how to do the swipe up. Hey, guys, we are here with Jay and his wife. They come to the table to talk about what is swipe up, hey, read table talk family. Let's head to our table talk. Facebook what? Show page. Join the conversation and become a part of Read Tabletop to join the read table talk family and become a part of the conversation.

Follow us at Facebook. Dot com slash read table talk. Thanks for listening to this episode of Red Tablecloth podcast produced by Facebook Watch Westbrooke audio and I heart radio.

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