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This week's podcast is sponsored by Now TV and more specifically, the now TV, Sky Cinema and Entertainment Past.

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I was going to get to that. I thought you forgot. No, I hadn't. I know all of the stuff to see on the odds to discover some of the biggest new shows, plus your all time favorite series, plus a movie for every mood with the Sky Cinema Pass. Very good. Well done.

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What would I do without you? Yeah, I don't know. Nothing.

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Hello, you're listening to Shackman annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsay and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. Time was out, the U.S. got Bruce Bouffard, that was really, really good. I imagine people got a shock there. Well, how would you say if that was the intention?

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You know, some people listen to this as soon as it comes out on Friday, I got messages like sometimes if Robin slept in, I'll get messages like half seven called Love the podcast. I'm like, are you how that happened?

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More than crazy.

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But yeah, I think if you're you know, if you're out there on a on a on a heath, if you are want a little foggy heath walking your dog in the silent and Rosie shout not in yet.

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Yes. Give you a shock then.

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I apologize on behalf of both of us. I do not apologize. Right. Well I apologize on behalf of both salt mine counts. Mine overrides you because I'm your boss.

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You should know we had to go. We've called myself the boss.

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I just want to crack down on us. Guys, it's episode 92. Thank you so much for listening and subscribing and all that beautiful stuff you do and without without any more pissing about.

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It's time for this week's lucrative look to sponsor this week. The sponsor is Adult Swansea's oh oh oh Swansea's.

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I love an adult.

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One of you just given up the pajamas feel to convey to the outside world just how much of a fucking mess you are. Well, you need an adult onesie, you stupid, toasty warm giant baby.

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No, you scripted that. Yeah, because it's actually printed on the back of the other onesies that will be on the chalkboard website very soon facil Merche.

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OK, I see where you're going with the sponsor endlessly pick the kids up from school in your adult onesie submarine or send a photo to us and we will. I mean you'll not win anything. We'll just laugh at you.

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Don't do that because I used to work in a nursery and there was a couple of families when Swansea's were dead. Dead popular. Yeah. When?

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Once in a while. Jehadi. No, there was a year.

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Honestly, the year of the woman I think was 2001.

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2000 know oh hey, I've peaked whereas a I get nothing more and give every.

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Honestly if the Edinburgh Fringe had been on this year you it done all of the shows. Sorry you've got no frame of reference.

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I don't want to show us. I don't know how Edinburgh Fringe works you tell us. But I think it's a lot of things going on. It's very high. You wouldn't understand. I wouldn't. Dornoch anyway.

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So what year was it? It was the year we met 2013. That was one year.

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Very popular. Definitely. Do we 2008. Yeah. I mean, it was 2012.

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2012, so, OK, that was a once a year and a couple of parents used to come and pick the kids up from the nursery in the onesies and the manager of the nursery had to say, excuse me, can you please stop picking your child up? And you won't be because you're not setting a very good impression for the children because they just think, well, grown ups don't get ready to do.

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It's not very, very upsetting.

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The president, it's very much a cute jacket as well. How are you being here all day? Be honest. It's been great. We've got like a Trump station. Didn't turn it off, man.

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Hasn't been awful boiling hot.

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Had this on since eight o'clock this morning.

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I'm sorry if it got wrong when we got there, what would the sniff it.

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Why did you say that? I don't know. It's just the smell in the news. I do love it. One day, though, it's still a very big fan of a onesie. Yeah. Less washing.

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Really. Yeah. What what. One giant garment don't like drying them. It's a nightmare on my clothes. Ever wash once he's on the roof and put them in a closet. I mean. Yeah I agree. Yeah. Mrs de Leon.

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Oh by the way. Right. That's that jingle Fokin.

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How honestly you've got what you want at the beginning to see, you know Chakma you know with my husband and what a hilarious little dish you put on there and then yes I even did the thing I had me hand up in the air rolling on and you just blithering on this is off pictorially so you can't carry this on your own.

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So I don't know what's going on. Does I might as well just want to go to I did the fucking jingle.

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God, what a horrible job he is.

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The jingle better to do. We had a fight about the jingle jingle. We could sing along to jingle jingle gong. So this is the jingle jingle. We hope you like the jingle jingle Mamadou ba ba ba ba ba ba ba. Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shamos, annoyed as always, and Chris has already said in the introduction, we're so happy to have you back. Thanks for joining us every week. And I just wanted to say really quickly from the both of us, we're still in this horrible time, uncertain time.

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And I don't feel like we've said I hope you're all OK. It's really hard. You are allowed to feel like it's hard. We're all struggling and genuinely just hope that everyone's OK. I just wanted to say that.

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Well, that's that's very nice. And the jokes aside, I echo that as well. And we do this to just forget about and have a little laugh and hope that it does the same for you.

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Yeah, I've had it quick. Just not that I'm going straight the queues from the pews, but I've had a really important email.

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OK, is it's nice. I'm assuming this is gonna be nice and uplifting and positive like like what we just said there.

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Uh, yeah. Maybe not for you.

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So you're Cygwin from a lovely little bit there. I mean I suppose get them back, you know, drag it back down to where it lives. OK, great.

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Good for you. I think the listeners might know this is quite funny. Fucking interrupt you again or something.

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No. OK, so I got an email and it was a Rosies mystery and it wasn't we're not using the roses mystery, but thank you so much to the person who sent it in.

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But anyway, thanks but no thanks.

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I don't know that you didn't make the grade, you know, but there was a piece on the end of the email, Jesus. And he said Preus and Chris was also my embarrassing celebrity crush, too.

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And again, why am I why why my people's embarrassment? Krush Well, I know I'm not the fittest guy in the world, right?

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I'm not fucking Ryan, whatever his name is and all the other one, the Goslin Mani's lost and all that, both to not one of the Fitri.

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And I'm not Joel Dommett. I understand this.

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Right. But I'm not like I'm not fucking repulsive.

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I call me like it's not like people say, oh yeah, fancy Manhattan brush their teeth after seeing it.

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I mean, why am I embarrassed to use my embarrassing marriage?

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You're on your deathbed, Chris.

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You know, you were my embarrassing life partner. Yeah, well, my pity partner, you know, get over that.

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So she also embarrassingly fancies you, too. Right. But then that's even that's not even that bad, OK.

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Oh, what's not the bad? She's boat and boat, right. I've also seen that someone said on a Facebook group that he's a dick in real life.

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So they said somebody said on a Facebook group, you're a dick in real life.

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And it's made this girl really sad. And she said, Rosie, can you confirm if this is true, as I don't want to believe it? So to the person who sent this in, I can confirm that. Yes. Oh, my God.

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Oh, no. They want to start this week's episode. Few minutes. They're not being kicked while I'm down.

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I'm sorry. That was funny, but no, listen, you're not a dick in real life. Why? I got an email. I didn't tell you convincing me I'm not a dick on my own. 50 percent of my own podcast. That's not me.

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Email and asking if I'm a dick. But why are you asking me? It's why all the people ask.

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Yeah. Currently with your child. Yeah, I'm happily married. Do you ask me if you are a dick in real life because she's got I'd like.

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Does she want you to reply in court. Do you think she's seen you sitting on the drive in the car about last night.

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I things you must be addiction's. You want to go back in the house.

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Just got so much of this like I don't know if we've talked about before on the podcast, but we saw the thing before where someone said I was in a restaurant.

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Someone said, think we have to. First of all, if it's on Facebook, it's fucking bollocks.

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I do not believe what you do in the face.

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But second of all, so people always ask me, right. People will say to me, like, do you would you ever do the jungle right? And I say, no, I never do the jungle. And it's a I'm terrified of all of the things. Yeah. Be a fucking wimp. See, I like me home comforts. I like nice hotels and hot showers, you know, running water in a boiler and, you know, and a comfortable bed sleep in a clean.

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I'm I'm really, really, you know, particular about fire.

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But the main reason I would never do anything like the jungle or anything with a camera on you 24/7 and you can't go.

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Can you turn that off is because everyone's got a part of the day where they have to just have to themselves. If I don't get the part muted out myself, I will be I've got a bit of media where I just need to be a bit of a dickhead, but it's normally when I'm on my own.

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So what you're saying is you are actually. I am not. What anyone's watching is point. Right. So what a thing again and again.

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I don't know for thought about. But someone said in a restaurant on Facebook, it was on one of your posts promoting me to and someone comment recently was in a restaurant and he told ABC Family with me.

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Yeah. With you.

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And he said they said that I told the wait that said the way I do know who I am, that it was too late or something.

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I was like, you know, this is this is called a such and such Tea Party. I made the way it was cry and stuff.

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Yeah. It was in the restaurant where we know all of the staff and we had our son's christening. Yeah. Yeah.

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And B, you wouldn't let me do the. Buchan's string is up in front of everyone and say not being funny.

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That was before children in need, before it was massive. That was years ago. It's bizarre.

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Like I think we think this all the time. So whenever you hear just a little as someone may, you know, personally, who sort of come up the ranks of do would tell you and met all of these people on the way up. And all these are HODs a few people in my head when I was like, if they turn out to be dicks, I will be fuckin crofting and Dick will perform it on deck.

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I was like, if they're dickheads, I'll be.

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No, they're lovely. Lorraine Kelly, as I know she's a dick. I'll be crushed. Lovely. And PITAs. See. Oh, I love Honey Davina McCall. So yeah, they were kind of me for that.

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I'd watched for years on telly and I thought if they're shitheads I will be.

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But most people on the just you might catch someone on a bad day. I heard recently that someone said one of the top chefs democracy's name, but they said a top chef always a attack him.

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Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. I mean, was he a dick or did you meet him on the tube and he didn't knock your fuckin lasagna like Joe.

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I mean, what was your expectation level of meeting him?

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I was just honestly, I'm on a crowded bus and he didn't even fucking witness a panna cotta. What a selfish one.

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He is not even a little colourful. It's ridiculous, like I always think not.

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But then again, I think that thing of like if you're a dictator. Wait, wait. Are in scare quartier. If you were the person who you know, I mean, Rona's and stuff on TV shows, I fucking Astorga told off I stop them doing the work because I just sit and chat with them so much.

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But I think well, you are a nice guy that I think because I'm working class and they're the ones getting.

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Yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah. So just to reiterate, Chris is not a dick in real life.

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Like obviously if I have to as if. Yeah. All right, listeners, you've joined us just confirming that Chris, he's not a dick in real life. That's the world we're living in these days.

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So hope there's no side anymore.

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I mean, I do love the fact that you've answered that, but you haven't actually used a mystery. So, I mean, if any.

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No, fuck, I'm not used that mystery, if anything. Is it Rosie? Who's the dick possibly.

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Is it she didn't erm me. But people will say that I'm a Debbie in that restaurant. You were sitting there maybe I was really drunk in that restaurant and you were sitting there going sort all these out. Do you know who he is. And you're pointing to me.

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And I was just like that is something that I wished as I never ever said that you were. But you won't. You know who he is. Look at him. Look at him. Lift his face out. That's soup supes more drunk. You know, I look at these big babies.

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My mom wipe his mouth in a way in a minestrone I do love.

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You know what you did there? You sort of went, oh, yes, I'm sorry, I'm not used. I'm sorry. But these this bit thanks for the mystery, but I'm not using it.

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I say whatever I do one of these, I just find it really heartless whenever I hosted an awards ceremony or something. But in the tape recorder to host them and hopefully again soon, they always say, you've got to say that because of the night, if you're nominated, it's very well done. But don't come off.

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Like if you're nominated, you'll get a round of applause and winners, people who win. Yeah, well, don't come up, but no speeches like. Well, don't come on, don't drag it out, take it trophy and piss off the ball all the time.

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All the time. I always say it. I say like, oh if you've won come on. Put that says on it always says on the autocue. No speeches.

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I'm really sorry but you've seen on the Oscars, man, the sort of winding them off after ten seconds.

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Oh know no one wants to hear from you. You've won.

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Now Falkoff Jordao is the man who's not a dick. Don't always find funny about the Oscars when they win an Oscar. And it's like lovely. But there you know how it's for that film which they've worked on. But obviously we know them as these huge stars that have been in loads of different films.

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But all they do is go about that film and the people that were in that film with them.

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And I'm like, you're not going to see them again, you know, I don't know.

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I was watching an awards speech and it was it was one of my favorite actresses. But I don't want to sound like I'm slacking off because I'm really not. I absolutely adore her.

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But she was she deserved that Oscar so much. Right. But the films you go for, I didn't really read it right.

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So sorry. And I was like not mentioned in that film because that's not your best work. You're getting the Oscar, you know, you're getting the Oscar for everything else that you've done because you are fantastic. But that film, you don't need to mention that film, not the Oscars. So you okay.

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So when DiCaprio got his Oscar, you wanted him to walk.

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Welcome. Go look at it and go like light up a cigarette. It's for the title fucking time. That's fucking time. Do you honestly think that DiCaprio should have got up there and what.

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Yes, this is The Revenant. But listen, let's take you back way back. I think you should have went through history.

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They should have got shut up.

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But, you know, I went through his full back catalogue and let me tell you, the actresses, OK, no, I mean, Olivia Colman, right. She got that Oscar and I was like babes, that film. It was all right. I've seen it with the one that you got before. But honestly, you want Broadchurch, you should have got it for that TV.

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You can't get caught. I know, but the Oscars, this is all well and good that I got.

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David, David and David come up here and join me for this, please, on come on, both of were like, oh yeah, man, you're like totally, utterly ridiculous.

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Well, it's something that's just always there. It is about award ceremonies because I'm like, we don't care about that one.

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We care about.

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I'm going to come and invest it in the lifetime achievement award. But that's a lifetime achievement.

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That's ridiculous. That's all you need to watch. Just watch the Lifetime Achievement Award and you won't get upset. Yeah. Good God, you can go on. I'm just slacking off the film. What role do you live in? But Rosie, who's the dick telling you right now? I get like three minutes to say thank you.

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And all the do is thank the directors and thank the other actors.

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And I'm like, no talk about talk about Roger. Just not going to talk.

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So this. All right.

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So this whole thing stems to the fact that you're upset that she didn't talk about Broadchurch and all because she's fantastic and she's been fantastic and everything she's done to deserve that Oscar poor decision, not to mention a peep show. Yeah, that's right.

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You're not someone you're a no, hold on.

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So if we get a mess, if we just realised when we get I mean, we've already had, you know, you're you're a fucking hypocrite.

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We've we've had awards for this podcast and you haven't been.

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But when you to work on spok fm you. Thanks for this award Chris. Step aside a second. Listen, I played the character as it starts. That's where it's goes. The monkey.

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Oh I do need this. Thank you for everything that stand by what I say.

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Well it's bullshit, it's bollocks and it's pointless. You know what I mean. To get this deleted from the book.

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Abdu ba ba ba ba ba. So you might have noticed, you might be seen on the news, you might be aware of the announcement that has happened. Big, big news, big, big things going on. Obviously, I'll just bring you up to speed if you're not aware of it. No idea what you mean. Yeah, well come on, it's massive. Huge.

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The biggest thing that's happening, we are no longer pissing in a bucket.

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No, we just so you know. Yeah. Toilet's been installed. Yeah. Think so. You do have.

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We are.

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And then just, you know, just up to your hands for a while until you go downstairs and I mean that all we talk about is that alarm panel.

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Well I turn the alarm off in the morning is I mean it's radioactive for a minute. I'm really tired of thinking about this Delta this morning because I had to wait in the night last night.

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I didn't wash my hands.

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You missed two weeks ago, but I didn't wash. Man does lying in bed going, oh, man. When I woke up this morning, you wrote me check for twenty minutes and said, I love you.

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So that's why we had really long sex and I had my fingers in your mouth.

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I mean I first in first of all to lie. We didn't have sex for ages. And secondly, if we're ever having sex and you try and put your fingers in my mouth, you're going to fucking lose two fingers.

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Heels are going to bite them. I'm going to do it. Well, you can lose a fist.

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You can lose a face. Give me Virgin Blue. Can you imagine having sex with a woman just walking a finger in your mouth?

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I bet people would love it. Why would I like that?

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Because we're two married men. We're so vanilla and married.

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I understand it the other way around, because it's supposed to be like a shocking thing of what women do. But. Oh, yeah, yeah. All right. OK, look, you shook my finger. Take it up a little bit too far back. Can you stop that? No.

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So forget it. Interestingly enough, your finger was actually what I said about a waiter who brought them called tips over Robidoux Barbecue Babadook, but now I've mentioned briefly in the past that some people and I'm always quite aware of it. I sort of don't ever like to to look like I'm cutting you off or interrupting you when you're home.

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But I know what kind of help each other when we have an idea and we just go in. But it's weird. As a man working with a female in this day and age, I don't want to look like at any point kind of oppressiveness or trying to talk or trying to sort of, you know, myname way over. It doesn't make sense. Like I mean, good luck trying.

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But yes, however, viewers of Sunday brunch on Sunday will have seen first hand what happens when I don't what I sense. Rosie hesitating, which I did. And I don't quickly nip in because I'm worried people are going to call is a sexist pig.

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And whatever's going on in the news these days and I didn't nip in and save you. I mean, you made a colossal tosser of yourself. Yeah, I really did.

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Yeah. So we had a lovely chat with Tim and he was lovely. No, I didn't. No, no, not really.

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It was lovely. And I thought it was a chat. It was more of quite an intense interrogation.

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I mean, over Zoome as well. That's the thing with Zoom.

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Yet when you go to a TV studio for an interview, you've got your guard up. You know what you're doing.

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Yeah, my main worry when I do the Zoom TV things is I'm going to swear because I'm comfortable because you just said, yeah, I'm going to swear we are joking, but yeah.

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Yeah, exactly. So you kind of have to when you're in a studio, you kind of go you gotta put your guard was down anyway.

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And Tim and Simon, I mean the Paxman. Do you really like it. You crumble to me like I've no nothing like the way you just crawl under interrogation. You fucking honestly can't.

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Well the thing is I'm a terrible liar. Yeah. And so I just I don't know what to say and I've got a bit of baby brain at the minute as well and I've got a bit covid brain.

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So I'm just kind of them is excuse me. Erm and so we were chatting to Tim and Simon and the interview was coming to a close and it was a lovely little interview, lovely lovely guys.

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And, and they were like so what you have them for you Sunday lunch today.

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And I knew in my head that we had a hello fresh delivery come in. Yeah. And I was making the pork for, for an advert that I was putting out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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So I had to take pictures and put an advert out that night of the pork and everything. So I knew that that was coming and I knew that I was doing it.

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And so I said, oh, we're having pork wrapped in bacon with roast potatoes and all this kind of stuff. And then Simon was like, I can't see the Auvinen and I was housekeep.

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Well, I'm not that kind of Theroux's.

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I was like, it's not not yet, because we were having it in the evening, but lunch and dinner. So then, as we all call it, different things. And I was like, computer, not in the north.

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We have we have Sunday dinner. I mean, I don't know about the north, actually. Our families, we have some didn't quite like usually tea, isn't it. Yeah. Yeah.

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Like lunch. Yeah. Whatever. Erm and then. They the it's all a blur, Chris. I think they asked to see it, so, yeah, I know where Tim Lovejoy went come to see it and I thought, oh, this hasn't been delivered yet. What you're going to see here.

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And you just stood and I'll go and get in the fridge and I have no idea why I did that. You opened the fridge? No, I go to the fridge and I was like, it's not in here because it's common.

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It's not been delivered yet. And I don't know why I didn't just say that. Chris.

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Chris, I can tell you, I know it was so bizarre, but what happened was the interview was about to end.

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The interview was about when and I was either just going to cut off and the sat there with my life on telly and joy, excitement about sitting there going, she's going to get this pork just somewhere in a gallery going, right.

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We need an extra 30 seconds on the interview. She's going to get the pork. I'm sitting there. Shouldn't be Ponza watching you all open and looking at an empty fridge. And I thought, what are you doing here? And you came back, you went, I haven't got it. And it was it was honestly, Rosie, I was embarrassed.

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I thought, oh, if I I have no idea what I was doing. I was mortified.

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You didn't see anything because I don't want to look like I'm cutting Indian stuff because it looks like Joe. I mean, I always get this horrible image in my head that people think I'm this like Northern sexist.

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Pilger's like, oh, I love I'll say this one. I'll talk you just like Jane Austen.

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That was Facebook groups.

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That's what's in that zone. Whatever. Want to look like that. Well OK. Well let's in the future have me back a little bit rosy when you know are you insane.

[00:23:33]

It's common in the polls. I can't sit down. OK, yeah.

[00:23:36]

But then I'm gonna go on national telly then I'm going oh by the way, I was just walking over to the fridge and opening that like an I mean it's actually going to it's going to hit the doorstep in a couple of hours.

[00:23:45]

I think it's the actress. I think it's because I'm an actress. I'm just a bit method of that. If I go at the fridge, then it's going to be there.

[00:23:51]

Honestly, no idea. Sorbets are so funny.

[00:23:54]

And so, you know, the more suspicious man and telly, I've never in my life just wanted to see my pork and I wanted my wife to say a pork.

[00:24:01]

And I tell you, I've never in my life ever had a conversation with someone said, why haven't you done an upward pork in the point you evidence.

[00:24:08]

Let me see. Let me see the evidence now.

[00:24:11]

Unbelievable. Guy's unbelievable. That's the thing. They thought we were having the street. It was only about eleven o'clock, but they thought what happened because I mean, Rimma on that TV show, he's not going to encourage at 9:00 in the morning.

[00:24:21]

I know how lot of scotch egg wants it.

[00:24:23]

About half of it when I got the fucking stomach, didn't know what was going on. Good. Lots of things about what I would do.

[00:24:29]

Babalu, Babalu. But just before I start the next segment, obviously everyone's favorite segment currently Rosie's Mysteries, I have received an email from a lady and she has said, hi, guys. I've been trying to send this email for two days, but I have three small children who seem to want or need something from me every single second of every single day. I know the feeling. Yeah. Anyways, to my point, thanks to Rosie's mistress theme song, I now cannot say certain words either outloud or in my head without hearing or seeing the words again with an echo.

[00:25:03]

And so I thought for this week's Jingle Jangle, I'm going to say the words that she sent.

[00:25:10]

OK, ok. Rosie's mistress, mistress, mistress. Ministry misery is a momentary, momentary, murky making machinery, machinery mobility majority jahed morality to force mortality mentally onto the modest mahogany missionary.

[00:25:46]

Participation every last one of the last 200 monopoly monopoly.

[00:25:59]

And that's it all the time.

[00:26:03]

This is the missionary of my life. I don't know, you know.

[00:26:08]

You know what? She's bloody ruined, say, a missionary for me, which I say daily for no reason.

[00:26:13]

Oh, that really made me laugh.

[00:26:15]

And also as well, just another lovely email I got.

[00:26:18]

I'll not read the full thing, but is year one teacher in North Tyneside called Alex. And I'm not sure that male or female Alex I may my boyfriend, a big fan of the podcast, and she is now started using mystery within a classroom. Really? So she'll say the children, if something goes missing, she'll go, oh, where's the such and such? And she goes, mystery in the local mystery. Mystery.

[00:26:43]

Oh, that's weird. And I thought that was very happy with. I know he is the mystery. Yes. Dear Chris, I have a mystery for you. It involves a parenting fuckup gourrier. This parenting Foodcorp is not my own, but that of my mother's. So don't worry about keeping it anonymous is I'm always happy to embarrass her, the millions of people whenever possible. Her name is Amanda Porter, formerly Waltin or Tulk or Hockley's.

[00:27:11]

She loves a good Wetton cry. So imagine having three maiden names. She was what your maiden name could be.

[00:27:20]

Could be one of these. Got her Facebook name.

[00:27:23]

Must be. Oh intimidating. Just take a full page.

[00:27:27]

I don't know. I remember people started doing on Facebook. I mean when in a certain at a certain time on Facebook before I got off it because it's a cesspit and I follow people. It's just full of bridge system is basically I it was just everyone started hauling in a double barrel name.

[00:27:44]

The all started high in the middle, names it and then they start to double and then they started high what they used to be a name Jesus.

[00:27:52]

But he gives a shit.

[00:27:55]

As a little girl, I always suffered from what we used to call Isaw Brocky, right, which was our term for an irritated vagina. Fuck me. Where's that from? That Scottish Brockie Baraki?

[00:28:10]

I've never I don't know where that's from.

[00:28:12]

She used to get a bit of an irritated Downbelow when she was little sore as a saw as a chance to get a sore throat.

[00:28:21]

Sounds like broccoli. I don't like it does a bit, doesn't it?

[00:28:23]

I would wake up in the middle of the night screaming in agony with sensation in my downstairs region. Oh my God. It was awful from what I remember. And it went on for years.

[00:28:33]

Oh, I thought you meant a bit of irritation, not waking up screaming. Very dramatic. Plus, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I took the mic.

[00:28:39]

No, we do find out later why she's got a sore brocki. Nothing stops him. Brought you. It's not finished or anything like that. Rock, broccoli, pork, Swiss, Sinak and Caprock. I don't like this at all.

[00:28:55]

OK, whenever I would wake up screaming, my mother would come find me before I walk the entire entire house up and rub some soothing cream on the area. Not sure what it was, but probably cramp or something of that nature.

[00:29:08]

Love screaming like we're going to scream. It is just Haroen. And then my mom must just have like the argument must be ready and she must just bolt upright in bed and just take the lid off and just get a scoop and just run across the lander with a big scoop of cream.

[00:29:23]

And I figured, oh, I shouldn't be laughing.

[00:29:25]

But it's just it's just a funny image and it's just really like it's really over the top for what's happening, like lock water.

[00:29:33]

Maggie's got that sort of Brocky again, all of it.

[00:29:39]

OK, on the weekends, my mother would turn to wine, as many parents do to just weekends, just reached younger than me to congratulate counsel herself for the hard week she'd had.

[00:29:51]

I can only imagine she had one too many glasses after the monumental fuck up she made later in the evening.

[00:29:57]

Never in the world I awoke as I did, screaming in pain. I don't think she'd be screaming. You never know.

[00:30:05]

Maybe just. Just really does it.

[00:30:07]

Bless her calling for my mother to come and sought me out. She took me to a room, laid me on the bed and wrote down what she believed was Tuticorin. And you know what, it is, and I'm absolutely gutted, it wasn't a huge. Yeah. What do you think it was, Pete?

[00:30:24]

How are you getting these facts straight on? Oh, I knew straight away, fuck me if she was screaming for. Well, good God, she had, in fact, robbed of my very sensitive area.

[00:30:35]

Possibly the worst thing you could drop on your lady parts. It was, oh, I honestly, I only knew.

[00:30:42]

What does it smell like? I've never experienced it until strictly oh my God, if that went anywhere near my dick, I would hit the phone.

[00:30:50]

Yeah. It's I imagine how bad that must be.

[00:30:52]

My wingy went from a whimper to a deafening scream, which most definitely did wake the whole house.

[00:30:58]

Is my vagina burned from the inside to relieve my agony?

[00:31:02]

She ran a cold bath as I sat on a frozen bag of peas.

[00:31:05]

Oh my God. I believe it was several hours before the pain subsided so I could go back to bed.

[00:31:11]

Rest assured, she never made this mistake again. God, she will find this. And this is the you find out why she's had a bad problem.

[00:31:19]

She eventually took me to the doctor where she discovered it was the cheap bubble bath, shampoos and conditioners which were irritating my Brocky after an evening bath.

[00:31:28]

Good grief. Good grief. So there you go.

[00:31:32]

The parent for Paul is not thinking it would think and it was them things. I mean, obviously the it is a massive parent and.

[00:31:38]

Oh yeah, the parent pawpaws just letting me carry on for ages.

[00:31:41]

Just then again she just wakes up screaming. It's what she does in a horrible crime. Cremona will go back to bed.

[00:31:45]

When we got when we rented that hot tub. Robyn did get an infection on Tiddler because of the hot tub. Yeah. Because and you know, we didn't tape in the doctor's for a good couple of weeks. I just couldn't do it. Well, we couldn't.

[00:31:58]

Yeah, but he was scratching and scratching a lot. All right. I was like, that was a habit. It's a habit. It's just got a habit to want to be a rubber dooby dooby dooby dooby dooby dooby dooby dooby.

[00:32:14]

It's time for what's your big beef. Oh, Chris, your little shit.

[00:32:20]

It's Bayberry. Oh hello. Hello.

[00:32:22]

I've been around for a while, mainly due to Rosies lack of enthusiasm and creativity.

[00:32:29]

But I'm back. I just want to see ya tomorrow.

[00:32:32]

We'll be day NAREIT. Actually you know I'm not a doctor anymore. Really. No, we trained.

[00:32:38]

I've written a terrible time to return from the medical profession recovery. Well Jidda what it is Christia too busy. Too busy and they all stopped clapping. We.

[00:32:54]

So you are very much in it for the glory, why you're still why? Why am I doing this? Me and. Weeks out on what was the best time of my life, honestly. You used to come outside the hospital, every company was fantastic. Then all of a sudden I seen on Facebook group I seen over the last couple the night and I thought, what last cup? And I just thought, no, not doing this anymore. And I also on that Facebook group, someone said, you are never going to believe it.

[00:33:28]

So I'm just reiterating at the minute kind of kind of thing for the life of is what I'm what I am retreated to.

[00:33:33]

No, but I'll let you know next time I speak to you. Right, OK.

[00:33:38]

It's a sandwich artist sandwich on a subway ride.

[00:33:41]

Yes. OK. Which one are you?

[00:33:44]

Were you the one who cuts the bread or are you the one who does the.

[00:33:46]

I do the filling and then the toaster. You do film the one of the one the cheese melts.

[00:33:51]

You don't touch the salad. No, I don't like salad. I can't even touch it. Honestly, if I touch a bit of salad, I will vomit.

[00:34:00]

How do you feel about tossing it twice? Because I do like a toasted for twice the meal on Beland a, you know, Beland wallet twice on your bike.

[00:34:09]

So what do you think this is the rate at Subway.

[00:34:17]

Not all right, man, so I sort of see it really go down, right, Ben? All right, just go.

[00:34:25]

Hold me, baby. See you later. Bye.

[00:34:30]

Little cup of no fault.

[00:34:33]

No. Side by side did not get together, right, but.

[00:34:48]

I was interested in pure glory and honestly, honestly, what a scumbag, an absolute scumbag, right?

[00:34:58]

My beef with you this week, right? My beef with you.

[00:35:02]

This is you call me a liar all the time. You say that I lie quite often, etc., lies to ratings. And I think we've had this before.

[00:35:11]

Yeah, well, you're the fucking liar, mate, I'll tell you that right now, because we're told about the idea with them or you know, or don't let him eat any sweets and stuff like that when you've got him.

[00:35:23]

It's just like fucking Charlie, Charlie and the chocolate factory. Just switch his mouth. You did it the other day with Christmas presents. You did it.

[00:35:29]

You while I was on I was on Amazon ordering some stuff. And I was like, oh, no, no, no, I wouldn't want to spoil them.

[00:35:35]

Nothing more.

[00:35:36]

You popped out of the shop you came out of got him some presents if you said it was right. No, let Chris.

[00:35:43]

I, like, just buy a little surprise when I see it now and then and the adsorb. So I don't want to get in too much online. I'd absolutely be fined for that. But you don't see that that's the truth and you don't say the truth. You lie your way around it. Right. And you also did it. I've got it written down here.

[00:35:56]

You did it with just the bathroom. The bathroom's nearly finished. Right? Char was being done, right?

[00:36:01]

I said, can I have a shower the other day? And you're like, no, it's not dry. Something might go wrong. Don't have a shower. And I said, you today are you just not want me to have a shower until it's completely finished for some weird reason.

[00:36:13]

And you went, yes, I just admit it stole Keith Vibin Stop fibbing to me. And then when you fib telling me I'm a fibber because you're a fibber.

[00:36:21]

OK, let's just get to the bones of this. Right, OK, I bought in them extra couple of little toys which were tiny, but w because I think it's nice just to not buy everything online.

[00:36:34]

I hate buying stuff online, but because of this blumen, whatever's going on, I feel like we've had to because I don't want to go to the shops when it's even in December. If the open the shops, you know we'll probably be put in tier three. So I'm trying to think ahead. I went to Baynham and I bought a couple of little things right. Give us a bit of pleasure. So I'm sorry, I didn't mean to buy them anything else.

[00:36:52]

It was just because I seen them stocking fillers. Right, right. Second thing, the shower.

[00:36:58]

I would rather that it all be done and then we'll have a shower. But at the same time, that celan, that sealant, whatever it is, it wasn't dry, it wasn't dry. And you what you would have done is you would when in that shower and the fucking screen would have come off and you went, oh God, I have to ring them.

[00:37:15]

And when Chris it wasn't dry yet, but I did.

[00:37:19]

And so I was trying to just sort of like bow before them had. So I was just trying to save it. But now I've actually I am on the I would rather wait till it's all finished.

[00:37:30]

You just you just want me to have a shower when you see it's okay to have a shower, just want it to be all done.

[00:37:36]

You don't want a shower and a half dozen bath. I did.

[00:37:38]

I literally wanted to show psychopath's and I never thought I'd say that.

[00:37:42]

I know, but we haven't even had the ceiling painted so it's just a bare plaster on the ceiling. Do I.

[00:37:48]

Why not see them on the ceiling.

[00:37:54]

Oh stop, stop, stop. Forbidden.

[00:37:57]

Sorry, stop seeing that. I'm flip. And when you're a fibber as well, that's just fit together however much a bit for me.

[00:38:03]

I've got to know what they're not do to see what the next week it's up to you.

[00:38:08]

I just don't know which one have already been hammered on an email. I've been called a dick online. I've been called fucking someone's secret crush in order. It is, bitch. I've got a few of them.

[00:38:17]

Yeah. I'll do the ones you've got some new scenes at the minute. Got some new scenes which are really pissing me off. Hold on. I did have. What was the one beg your pardon? I did.

[00:38:29]

You haven't been doing that as much. That actually work. That you haven't done that as much.

[00:38:32]

I've got another one that I feel like I might be able to try and get it. If you want yes, is it hokey pokey? No, but is that thing one of you said, can you do something? I will do it.

[00:38:42]

I haven't heard that yet. All right. Thank the Lord. Hear it a lot for the rest of us. Please don't. Please don't. Because we need to get our sex life back on track when this baby comes.

[00:38:52]

And if you all shout out who equally will not want to have sex with you. So you don't want me to say that anymore. No.

[00:38:58]

Then, you know, I was that book it I know it's been you friezes.

[00:39:08]

Yeah. The worst one is when we were doing because we've been quite busy. Yeah. And if we're doing something you always say if it's not the thing, the task that you may be doing, you go just because you can feel the day slipping away.

[00:39:28]

It's horrible. It's awful.

[00:39:30]

The first time I said I could feel it slipping away. I saw your eye twitch slightly. I was like, she didn't like it. So I just went like level 10 to try and get at least one a day. And now horrible.

[00:39:41]

Yeah. Another one, which you've said a couple of times and I thought it was a joke at first.

[00:39:46]

Sure. With this one, there's a couple of them. So you went. Yeah, Rosie and I went, yes, you and I like you, but.

[00:39:54]

A couple of times you've said that, and I said, what is that? I just want to see around the house and run a workshop in a few like colleges. I think it's I think it's quite neutral.

[00:40:04]

I think it's very positive, but it's quite neutral. It's not like overly affectionate. It's not like soppy. It's just like, hey, you like your job. It's horrible.

[00:40:12]

Take talking to a horse, are doing the stables with the guy who owns the horse. Go look at him. I like the Jila. That's how it sounds. And the worst one.

[00:40:24]

OK, so this one is in life. I'm on my phone quite a lot, but I like to watch the telly at the same time. So I pause the TV a lot. Do that a lot. You've started now recently very irritating me when I've positively the people on the telly.

[00:40:41]

You look at me, I love you.

[00:40:45]

Look at me and you go, I can print that print that I find a picture of you all. Because it's full and I say no. So, yeah, guys, just explain that if you didn't get it. So basically it was because they did want to escape the shuttle and it was just paused.

[00:41:01]

I mean, suppose you do you pause the telescope. It might be for you. You pause to tell you for 14 hours if we had an old telly, it would be burned into the tube. But thankfully, I think the sort that out now.

[00:41:10]

Yeah. And I see. OK, picture that if you want to look at it. But you mean other one. The other one we're watching below deck. Below deck mediteranean watching below deck monitoring the other day. And I thought you'd pick up on it and you didn't pause while we're discussing something. It was for ages and two people watching it and one woman had an arm extended, you had a glass out and she was the one who almost nothing I do.

[00:41:33]

I just didn't her almost be him. And I just. You just didn't react because I haven't got the energy anymore. Like, because sometimes sometimes you really not a comedian and you know, you just normal. You just normal, Chris. But then some days and you're a very good standup. Right. But some days you refer to like.

[00:41:57]

Old Dodge cracked yet, and I'm like, what, I got to mix it up, so irritate and got mix it up, you know, can warm on the house too and full stomach.

[00:42:07]

You know, the fatal thing was new this year. I felt myself a few days of the week from comedy and just being on funny Tosa. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah, absolutely. And that's why I won't do.

[00:42:15]

I'm a celeb dooby dooby dooby. It's time for questions from the public queues with the people in the pews. Papa, papa, papa.

[00:42:25]

Public guys, as always, if you want to get in touch, send us a story at Schokman at Gmail dot com. As you've kind of realized by now that not even questions anymore. It's stories. It's, you know, apocryphal tales, if you will.

[00:42:38]

It's a cringe, cringe anecdote, whatever you want to send them into Gmail dot com.

[00:42:43]

And obviously, please continue to like, read and subscribe because we love it. All of you. I love you and thank you.

[00:42:50]

Now, let's hear what you've been up, you dirty, rotten sods. Yes.

[00:42:54]

Hi, guys. Just wondering if you can help settle a major beef in my house.

[00:42:59]

Major beefs or our special? No, I love these ones.

[00:43:03]

When it was boiling hot and my husband was snoring his head off, I was struggling to sleep. At about four a.m., I quietly crept out of the bed, went up to my daughter's bedroom in the loft. She was stepping out for the night and pulled the window wide open. I laid on the bed and feeling nice and cool, finally fell asleep.

[00:43:22]

Get in. When I woke up at about eight a.m., I realized my husband would have already left for work. Then I thought, hang on, he didn't even shout up to see by. The more I thought about it, the angrier I got.

[00:43:39]

This is great. Turns out he hadn't even bothered looking for me. He'd walk and show no sign of me next to him, got up, had a coffee, use the bathroom, got ready and left the house. Wow.

[00:43:56]

I asked if he'd wondered where I was as he knew I was at work later than him that day. And he said, well, yeah, I asked why and look for me. Then he said, well, I knew you'd be somewhere.

[00:44:08]

I knew you'd be somewhere. That's wonderful. What? Why? He spoke and called and.

[00:44:13]

I know. But what if she'd been, like, taken from the bed? Someone climbed in and took a kidnapped and murdered. I see on the opposite that we know this ought to be moving around the house like a dog ought to be like Kevin McCallister and home alone.

[00:44:27]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:44:27]

Frank I to the toilet in the night and you're like, oh yeah. Like I'm just I'm attentive. I'm an attentive husband. You would not catch me. Do not bother to walk up when you go with the bed. Where are you going.

[00:44:38]

And you know what, I'm going in a bed and why am I in trouble. I done something wrong. Oh you mean friend go snoring.

[00:44:46]

I'm sorry but some people are completely not like that. I'd love to be that laid back.

[00:44:51]

My wife's gone. No sign of a full turn up. Where's my coffee? I'll get another one. She's prettier.

[00:44:58]

I was feeling amazing. What if I hadn't been somewhere I could have slept, walked and been anyway? I could be dead. I could have been kidnapped or murdered. And he didn't even look. I cannot imagine ever waking up and him not being there and just going about my day as if it were normal. Did I overreact? He's in the wrong here, surely. Am I right to be horrified that he wasn't even slightly concerned about where I'd gone?

[00:45:27]

Yes, I think this was three years ago, by the way.

[00:45:31]

Still resolutely raging, right?

[00:45:34]

Ah, yes. Yes and no. Yes, I understand. But she didn't tell him. She didn't, like, give him a jingle. By the way. I'm going upstairs to the bed. Yeah.

[00:45:41]

Because it was the middle of the night. Right.

[00:45:43]

And also you are not all I'm saying is devil's advocate or all I'm saying is on the flip side of it, she wasn't murdered or anything. She did turn up. So she was right. She was right.

[00:45:55]

No, you know, I'm not saying I'm not saying I agree with what he did, but, you know, issue overreacting and being absolutely furious about it, she was fine.

[00:46:07]

No is completely there is no way that if you were missing from the bed right in the morning and I go to bed, I was going to work.

[00:46:16]

Yeah.

[00:46:16]

You know, I might not come and look straight away. Oh, I would go. I know I wouldn't go. I wouldn't be like, where is he?

[00:46:24]

I go to the loo, possibly have a shower. And then he'd be like, right, where is he? And then I'll go and look in the other bedrooms and stuff.

[00:46:31]

But to just not look at all and leave for work, that that's terrible.

[00:46:36]

Yeah. I mean it is pretty but don't do that. It is pretty bad. I've said I'm not saying it's not bad. I'm just saying, you know, she wasn't sleepwalking. I mean obviously sleepwalking know. Right. Well how could she have got up and slept, walked somewhere.

[00:46:50]

So I mean like I get it. I do get it. But I'm just saying I think it's nothing. I'm just I'd love to be that laid back.

[00:46:56]

If that was me, I would bring you a week up. I'd run to every room. I choke for a while.

[00:47:01]

I'd stand on the drive home with him, but I would be more him. Yeah, I'd be terrified. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:47:07]

I'd probably spend about an hour not looking for you. And then if you had been murder, the police would go what we do in the hour. Yeah, yeah. You go up at seven. What we do to go up which is cracking on the go not look for my partner.

[00:47:17]

Yeah that's to be fair, he would look really bad. He'd be the first suspect if he was. Oh absolutely. If he was at work and then someone rang and said, oh he hasn't turned up or worked in where she is. And he was like, well and she actually had gone. He'd be like, oh yeah. I just I thought, bollocks to imagine in the courtroom you just left.

[00:47:35]

Yeah. A little acid reflux internal. Yeah, he'll be in the in the ITV drama that were definitely going to make about this. He's going to be the main CEO in the first five episodes he's done. Definitely. And I think Adaora Udoji is Olivia Colman is going to be in.

[00:47:51]

And if she dares mention anything else she gets when she gets a BAFTA for the show that we're going to definitely make. Yeah, Rosie is going to be I know what we're going to call it in the loft.

[00:48:00]

Narrow church.

[00:48:01]

Narrow church. Right. OK, but don't get it so broad for me.

[00:48:07]

Oh, Jesus. Oh, yeah. We used to call yourself a comic.

[00:48:11]

Yamen furloughed man. Boba dooby dooby dooby. Do you, Chris and Rosie. I am currently listening to Episode 55 and I finally got a bit of time to write out this story about the one and only date that I have been on in the last two years.

[00:48:26]

Oh, it seriously put me off dating and I wanted your opinion on whether I was overreacting.

[00:48:33]

I mean, you're probably going to get an overreaction from me because all of attender stuff is awful. But here we go.

[00:48:38]

Well, I'll try and keep a reality head on for you.

[00:48:40]

I march with this guy on Tinder, which is not normally my sort of thing. Him and I were talking for a good couple of weeks before we decided to meet up.

[00:48:48]

Oh, lots more. Yeah, that's not just, you know, are you hard come round you. I imagine that's what Tinder is.

[00:48:54]

I think I think it kind of is a good conversation was flowing and he wasn't acting like a complete weirdo who didn't even ask for new to anything. Wow.

[00:49:03]

So if by I mean world level, what world are we living in?

[00:49:08]

Is he nice? He hasn't asked for nudes yet. Isn't that right.

[00:49:11]

That makes me so sad. Yeah. We decided to go for a drink in the week and I felt quite excited in the week.

[00:49:18]

And this week we agreed to meet at 60 in revolutions. Oh God. I was fashionably perceptibly late and showed up around twenty to seven to realize that he wasn't in the bar. I waited until seven, but I started to think that I could have been stood up getting ready to leave. I look up and the guy I meant to be meeting is standing at the door dressed in a three piece suit. I'm in jeans as the place is very casual.

[00:49:48]

Yeah. And he's got a trench coat on. And what I can only describe as a 1980s.

[00:49:53]

Dadush You can. You know the one I know.

[00:50:01]

The one I know the one example. You know what I mean?

[00:50:03]

More than you know, it's not even Movember because Movember, they're quite cool ones on the they're like, hang on, everyone. Some people who do Movember really cannot.

[00:50:12]

I think what she means by that is that it's the tush that doesn't it almost doesn't go right in the corner of the mouth.

[00:50:17]

It's not the Hitler, but it's no longer than the Hitler.

[00:50:20]

But it's not the more that it's the it's the it's the Ned Flanders.

[00:50:24]

And there we are.

[00:50:26]

It's safe to say I had been royally catfish because that was not the man on his profile picture.

[00:50:32]

Oh, no way, man. Yeah.

[00:50:35]

He apologized for being late and told me that you lost track of time whilst sipping whiskey with a pal, which I laughed off because I genuinely thought he was having me on.

[00:50:45]

I'm sorry for the tardiness. I was a coffin, coffin, a bit of whisky with one of my old chums. Oh, sipping whisky.

[00:50:54]

The fuck do you think you're sipping whisky with about six. Jesus get a job in a three piece suit.

[00:51:01]

We had the hang of it. So how do we apologize. We apologize for being late.

[00:51:06]

Whisky. You didn't apologize for not being the person who we are.

[00:51:09]

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. We ordered our cocktails and he stared at me like I just killed his mum.

[00:51:16]

That's the most expensive one on the far gone.

[00:51:19]

He almost growled at me and I reassured him that I was happy to pay for it. And then I didn't ever expect him to. This was responded do with. But your girl.

[00:51:29]

Oh my gosh.

[00:51:30]

Being the ever so slight feminist that I am, this comment made me want to punch him in the nose. But I refrained and silently begged for my drink to hurry up.

[00:51:38]

Oh, God.

[00:51:39]

The conversation started and I soon realised that this man was the most self-centered person I had ever met. He spent a solid twenty minutes tell me how many calories I'd consumed that day and that he could only have one cocktail because he was watching his weight. He actually said the words these abs don't make themselves.

[00:51:59]

Oh, oh oh.

[00:52:03]

Is it weird that I wish I could sip whisky with him? Because he sounds like an awesome guy. He sounds horrible. I can't stand people who talk about calories and calorie count. I cannot bear it. I don't have any friends who talk about this because I just want no to want you me.

[00:52:19]

Friendship group, you're counting calories and then you come in on a night out, tell everyone how many calories you've had that they get in the bin.

[00:52:25]

Finally, after what seemed like ages, he asked me about myself, Oh, you're here.

[00:52:33]

That's your story.

[00:52:34]

What about you then? I told him that I. What are you like, apart from our expensive fucking cocktails, which. I told him that I am a quantity surveyor, to which he replied with a snort, and no, you want you've got to be smart for that.

[00:52:53]

Jesus Christ dude, a complete dick. So while he's attempting, here is the neg. His attempt in the neg, which lowers the female's self-worth and slightly heightens yours. But the neg has to be some kind of it can't just be a fucking insult.

[00:53:10]

It has to be a playful, beautiful bunna.

[00:53:13]

Yeah, I've never understood me that tactic with blokes where women and all where it's like cruel. The. Yeah. The women do it. Yeah. Yeah. Strange. Yeah.

[00:53:25]

I almost screamed at him but just ignore the comment. He then said Yeah you can pay for this estate now. Now. Yeah.

[00:53:32]

Well you can pay for this date now that I know that you're rich off of Fox.

[00:53:37]

So I told him that I thought it would be best if we pay for our own drinks, considering I knew that I would only be having the one and getting the hell out of there.

[00:53:47]

She goes on to say things got a little better. He asked me about my family and I told him that my family is rather big and that my nan has six children and that I am one of eight grandchildren. He looked me dead in the face and asked me, uh, do your family not know what a condom is?

[00:54:05]

Oh, dude. Oh, my phrase.

[00:54:09]

Followed by the phrase, whoa, you're not supposed to love that dick. Oh, my God.

[00:54:20]

Wow.

[00:54:22]

So but this is sorry before this even goes any further. This is one of the worst first dates I think I've heard of. We've heard like horror stories of meagerness, but the end of like shock and awe, the goodness something like this is literally he is just absolutely cockblock himself is turned up late or so.

[00:54:38]

How's it going? Yeah, sorry I'm late. Espina Coffin and with one of the lads. What these absi. I don't create the S like drinks please. Yes. How much is that. Yeah.

[00:54:46]

How much is that. Who the fuck do you think you are. What's going on here. All I'll ask about you. Oh hey by the way, you're not as a slag and you're too stupid to be a quantity surveyor.

[00:54:53]

Why don't you fucking spit on it while you're at it?

[00:54:55]

But I've got a feeling that you'll be one of the people who goes home and kicks himself. Yeah. Why do I say all that? I just can't help. He might be nervous. Yeah.

[00:55:05]

So anyway, there's more. No way. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

[00:55:09]

Your sounds like a prick and you stink and your teeth are shit and your hair is crap and why we're meeting here and you're not wearing it down when you're away and you're not in a dress scruffy now give you a dead heat.

[00:55:25]

Sorry I was just I was have it in the cupboard of this guy. Great. I changed the subject and I mentioned that I had a dog and that my dog was my best friend.

[00:55:34]

I showed him a picture of my little baby poop and he looked at me in disgust and said, the folks that I love, although I love him, he's really doing folks.

[00:55:48]

Look, I got to just love I love the phrase. I change the subject. I just love her. God.

[00:55:53]

So can we talk about something that doesn't involve me at this point? I had had enough and excuse myself so I could go to the toilet to calm down before I met the guy. I mean, call my mom and dad. It's like if you want, but do not under any circumstances slag off my dog.

[00:56:19]

Yeah, yeah, I'm not being funny, right, but say what you want about me, not a right, but don't you ever. Don't you dare dare bring my dog into this, like, lots of.

[00:56:28]

No, that's amazing.

[00:56:32]

When I came back, I told him that I felt like it was time I went home and he asked why. So I told him I didn't think the date was going great and that I wanted to get home not great. He said this is one of the best days of ever being on and I'm singing, I'm on fire.

[00:56:47]

I'm not a slug of your dog off. You know, I did that. I did a great thing about the cocktail I'm on. I was deliberately late go clubbing in the car, am I?

[00:57:01]

He insisted to walk me to my car. And to be fair, if I'm honest, I would have preferred a kidnapping than spend another minute with this guy. Regardless, we walked back in awkward silence until he said to me, Can't wait to see what you drive, but you call a shit.

[00:57:21]

Now, I don't I don't like talking about what I buy or what I drive because I don't like people thinking I'm some sort of a snob.

[00:57:29]

But I had such satisfaction when I smoked, clicked my LDK am I call it up like a Christmas tree.

[00:57:36]

Wow. His jaw dropped and I said, Oh yeah, it's really shit isn't it.

[00:57:42]

That's great. I left him standing in the middle of the car park. I shouted goodbye and walked away in a hurry. The asshole even had the cheek to shout after me. What?

[00:57:51]

No case is the absolute worst. It's safe to say that there was no second date and I ran it to my best friend the whole way home. To top it off, I couldn't quite believe my luck that a year later I bumped into him in the gym. He stood right in front of me in the weight section whilst I was a sweaty mess and said to me, You're Michelle, aren't you? To which I replied, Oh, no, sorry, mate.

[00:58:17]

You've got the wrong person. Nice.

[00:58:20]

That's very nice of Barbara.

[00:58:22]

Hi. Rosie and Chris Christie. Yes. Please keep me anonymous as I am sworn to secrecy. But listening to your podcast the other day, I decided it is just too good not to share, especially as we enter the festive season. Oh, got. A few years ago I was on holiday with my closest group of mates. We're all best friends from school.

[00:58:42]

So the sort of group where there are lots of shared war stories from nights out over the years and you all know each other's escapades sex, capades sex, capades sex, etc..

[00:58:56]

After consuming a lot of booze, we were all sitting in the hot tub in the dark, quite drunk and naked just because someone had suggested it.

[00:59:04]

I just love a lot of how was last night?

[00:59:07]

We consumed a lot of booze and a lot of booze drunk and I am meant on a night consumed a lot of booze.

[00:59:17]

How much you out about five booze.

[00:59:20]

Five booze is how many of you when I'm on my sixth booze boat.

[00:59:26]

So the roll in the hot tub in the all negativism consuming wine. Yeah.

[00:59:30]

In the boozes of lawn one of the girls confessed to the following tale and we all howled with laughter.

[00:59:39]

OK. She was dating a guy for a while who she exchanged dirty pics with, and he'd asked for some videos of her putting things in all kinds of places, including up her back passage.

[00:59:54]

Some people, man, sorry. How do you go from a little cheeky picture which we've all done?

[01:00:00]

How do you go from a little cheeky picture to is there any chance you would do a full photo shoot in certain things?

[01:00:06]

And you're also a video, a few videos. Do you fancy. Yeah. Do you fancy starting your porn career by sending me something?

[01:00:15]

I mean I mean, how do you even get the angle on that at all? No, it's going to be horrendous. It's got to be one of the things where when he's watching it, he's going to turn his phone and then the phone screen is going to turn around because it's being held at really what it is, everyone listening, young, old, whatever.

[01:00:29]

This is not the right day and age to be sending videos like don't do it anymore.

[01:00:33]

But if you put your face in and speak back in the day when they first started, it was fine. You couldn't really save them if computers and stuff people didn't really know how. Now, don't you do not do it on all the websites yet.

[01:00:45]

Not with sites. So anyway, it started off with fairly straightforward stuff, different sex toys, etc., after which she started looking for some more interesting items.

[01:01:00]

Stop it is all just stop it. What's wrong with everyone? This is when she happened across a large collection of gin and whiskey miniatures. Oh, my.

[01:01:12]

Good grief. Good grief. Sure of these did the job and she took videos of them going in the back of her head.

[01:01:20]

I hit him as well. She said to the 6001. Yeah, good point.

[01:01:26]

Boring middle of the road. Do you have.

[01:01:30]

Oh, I've got a I've got a gin advent calendar here that I haven't opened off last year are absolutely perfect.

[01:01:36]

I like gin. Gosh. Sure enough these did the job and she took videos of them going back to God. I'm not sure what else went on, but they remained by her bedside and she fell asleep thinking nothing of it. On the next day, she did a long shift at work, left very late, and as a result was rushing to get to her cousin's Christmas family party.

[01:01:58]

That night, as she was frantically getting showered and ready to leave, she realized she didn't have a gift and it would be very rude. Not.

[01:02:10]

You know, it's good, it would be very rude to arrive empty handed, and her cousin had spent a lot on her recently for her birthday. Realizing there wasn't even an old bottle of wine in the cupboard and it was past 10:00 p.m. meeting in Scotland, it was too late in the day to purchase alcohol. The only remaining suitable gift item was no.

[01:02:34]

We guessed it the gin and whisky miniatures.

[01:02:38]

Oh, you all into me.

[01:02:41]

She said she gave them a quick wipe down, but no time to boil a check for leftovers from the real man.

[01:02:51]

There's so many grooves and indentations on a miniature bottle of she pop them in a gift bag, went on her way and quietly cringed every time someone pick one up and said Cheers and down the street from the heavens above, but drank them.

[01:03:10]

They do all one of these. No, no, I'm all right.

[01:03:12]

I don't want any of them. Not like whiskey, not that whiskey, I don't like that whiskey.

[01:03:18]

How could you sit there right now and know that people are drinking the miniatures that you've had up your backside so bad, isn't it? It's quite funny to see everyone sitting around just like, hey, class idea that, hey, we should do this more. Great idea this. Hey, bring in miniatures you want. Fantastic idea. Hey, how did you come up with this idea so much at the last minute. I just pulled it out my ass.

[01:03:42]

Polio was a community you've redeemed yourself, right? OK, that was funny. Well, don't you, Bob, do about do do do do once again.

[01:03:50]

Unfortunately, we continue to do so much for joining us here, Chuck Martino, which is now politicus, create a network. I thank you very much. Thanks for getting in touch again. Anything you want to say? Any story down at Gmail dot com Mirch on the website is new an added. It's either online now or very, very soon and the book is out also just to do it. But you might be running out of presents to buy to people who they already like.

[01:04:16]

But all the news that's being bombarded by by.