Editor's Note: This transcript was automatically transcribed, so mistakes are inevitable. You can contribute by proofreading the transcript or highlighting the mistakes. Sign up to be amongst the first contributors.
Thank you so much to Bud Light Seltzer for being a presenting sponsor. We love these drinks. I love these drinks and can't wait to tell you.
I wish I was still drinking. Keep listening for more.
Hey, what's going on, everybody? Welcome to another another wonderful edition of the Bill Burton from last year. Maybe someone's doing stand up again. Humble. Oh, my God.
I had it was the best of times. It was the worst of times. I went up. I was supposed to go up Friday night at the Comedy Store. They were doing this thing where they had, you know, the O r the original rum for you non comedians out there. When you stand on stage right to your right, the crowds left is that window that looks out to the patio and Sunset Strip. So they had you standing on the other side of that window, which, by the way, has all these autographs on it.
So you looking through, you know, Richard Pryor and Robin Williams, Eddie Griffin, all their names and shit. And then the fans of the crowd would sit on the patio and they did. I don't know how many they did, but the city of L.A. came down and shut them down. So I was all excited. I invited a friend of two down and it got canceled. And I was like, fuck, you know? And then, you know, I'll fuck it, I'll bring it up.
We had talked about in the other podcast, my great friends in life passed away. So I was driving around Hollywood, just going by all the gyms we were members of and fucking places. We hung out. I went to the Jack in the Box where we went to eat late night and do it. It was closed like it's over, like Jack in the Box sold it because they put in a hotel there. So it was that really cheesy sort of metaphor.
My buddy Wayne Previti is gone. The Jack in the box is gone. You can never go home. All of that shit.
But really, he moved out to L.A. with you guys, huh? He was out in L.A..
Dude, this is crazy. There was like there was a whole crew of guys, Boston comics that all moved out at the same time.
I went to New York. In 95. And it was just it was one of those things where, like, Dane started getting shit and Bob Marley got a deal or something out in L.A. and our whole the whole herd was starting to stampede and no one wanted to be the guy, I think still left in Boston. So this mass exodus of of comics all in, like, different. Like levels of like doing well and everyone was doing well, but like, you know, we probably all left a little early, which is.
I don't know, it's arguable whether it's better to leave a little later, a little early, but I went to New York, thankfully, because L.A. is just so fucking hard, like everybody always acts like New York is a hard city and everything and all of that shit like throughout L.A.. Well, just like I don't know what it is, it's like you just I think it's just the way you fly across the country. And really, when you look at the top topography, you literally watching the country slowly dying, like I start out east, it's all green and lush and mountains and it's kind of like levels out.
And then it's past the Rocky Mountains. I used to joke it was like watching your life, you know what I mean? You're all full of fucking energy when you're on the East Coast and then you get married, you have kids, you kind of flatline. And then the Rocky Mountains is that first medical scare. You know, you lose your hair and shit and then and you get out to the desert and then you land out here, man.
And it's just like it's a combination. You move so far away from everybody, you know, and that Groundhog Day weather where it's just the same thing. I don't know if you experience that being from Florida, but it's just like, you know, when you're struggling, at least if the weather changes. You know, I'll go to it's a sunny day, at least it's sunny out there can be something to get your mood going. But every day Bill Murray hit the alarm clock, waking up sunny.
Seventy five degrees. No one gives a fuck about me. I got no spots at the Laugh Factory, no callbacks, no audition. I just got dropped by my agent, Sunny. Seventy five degrees.
How am I going to make my rent doing fucking stand up in a fucking chicken wing place? It just was. And it was, you know, nobody nobody comes out here and doesn't just get lifted. If you're lucky, you get lifted up. But when you do, it's not even just a body slam. It's that fucking wham. All your shoes fly off. People stepping over you that were fucking wanted to talk to you the day before, just all of that shit.
So all of these guys moved out and they moved to this apartment building on Argyle called the Bravo. I don't know what it's called now, but it was one of those apartment buildings like, you know, you open your door out to outside, almost like a motel. And it was like a double decker and they all got apartments. This landlord must have been like, this is fucking amazing. But until he found out they were all coming and it was like a half dozen of them and it was like a sitcom.
And they all lived there and they would go down and wait for spots at the Laugh Factory. And so my buddies like Wayne would work at the Spaghetti Factory and all of that shit. And when I first came out here to do my first. Stand up on TV, I did Louie Anderson's comedy showcase, whose thing was called The Palace at the time, which is now the. Avalon or something, I didn't realize it's one of the places where Diavik with dice the dice man come up to something, I think he did one of his specials there.
I'm glad I didn't know that when I went on stage. I would have been extra psyched out for it. But I came out and I stayed. This dude, Tony, my shadow, I stayed at his apartment. There's this guy, Nick Costis was upstairs, Bob Marley and his wife is Dave McGlaughlin. Wayne Previti rectally.
All of these Boston comics just coming out having like a big, like swing. So whatever. So the next the next day. At the last second, Josh, Chad Myers called me up, he said, hey, the woman who books one of the nights at the belly room is doing the parking lot.
Oh, did you just finish that story? Because I didn't want to fire. No, no, no, no.
I got I got very confused. I was like, oh, no. Josh out of Myers for fucking 20 years.
No, no, no. Sorry. So whatever. So we all hung out. We all hung out and did all of this shit. And we all went through ups and downs and getting spots, having a big gig. And then you get taken away or getting on a show, it gets canceled or having an agent fucking or my first time headlining in Vegas and I'm in front of a bunch of blue hairs and I get psyched out. I'm trying to do my edgy.
I lived in New York for five minutes and I have a leather jacket material and I get pumped down to the middle just all all of those things along the way as like good shit is happening. So so I was kind of psyched to do this spot and it got taken away. And so I was like, all right, I'm going to go to Jack in the box, get the ultimate cheeseburger like I used to with my buddy, sit here and sadly eat it by myself, thinking about all the times he saved me in a bar fight.
And yeah. And then like the next day and then it sucked to I couldn't go back for the funeral because I got two little kids that have to quarantine for like 14 days. Yeah. It just the whole thing just sucked and they were having a really small thing anyways. So I went I ended up doing, as I said, on this big Patriot's floral arrangement. Which I made sure it got there, it got delivered and people would like, but we didn't see it at the at the church and I was like, fuck, because what am I going to do?
And but then somebody sent me a picture and they had it like when they were getting ready to put them in the ground, they had it right next to his coffin. So that made me feel good that that the flowers were got got the headlining spot. So what?
Anyway, what was he living in L.A. when he passed?
No, he he went back east is I don't wanna give out too much information, but one of his his mother got sick and he was such a big hearted guy that he just basically. You know, he was doing well and just stopped his dream, he went back to help out his dad. She unfortunately passed in January, you know, which broke his heart and then he passed. Now I'm worried about his dad and his sister and his brother.
It's just fucking awful, awful story.
Hey, welcome to the podcast. I'm here for a laugh during a pandemic.
Now, everyone, dude, I mean, everyone I think goes through this shit. Wait, tell me now tell me about standup, because I heard I don't know how it got back to me. They're like Gilberg on on stage in the box. And I was like, what? And then I gave it an outdoor show. I was like, where? And they're like comedy magic. It was him. Jim Jefferies on the Magic Castle. Magic Castle.
Magic Castle. Tell me about it.
So I went down there and I kind of got this feeling that there was going to be a stage and then people sort of seated spread out behind the Magic Castle or something. I don't know what it was, but it was actually a parking lot. And I've driven by a zillion times. I never really looked at it. I think it's where they valet when you go up and they valet and they bring your car down. So they had people there.
They built this little wooden stage with some Christmas lights on it and shit and. Then they had like these clacker things for the people in the crowd, which was really weird and annoying the first night because it sounded like like locusts. And so I get up and I do my thing.
I thought about my app, which is like a mile away from them. Why couldn't you hear them laugh? I mean, I could, but there was also police helicopters and loud motorcycles going by, I mean, I'm right on Franklin and LeBron. OK, OK, loud as shit.
So. I went up and I was just trying to just remember my act, and I started doing this bit, making fun of women, right? I regressed as a comic because I was in this great place of empathy and really figuring out all of my issues. And I went back to my regressed to my safe spot. Like, I let's fucking pick on somebody in the crowd that's going to get overly upset. So I started making fun of them.
And I'm in the middle of the setup for the joke, the first little joke in the room. And I swear to God, the sticks her head out the car window like Jim Carrey and Ace Ventura and just that's going fuck.
Yeah, fuck yeah. Fuck. Yeah. For the whole time. Just. So I'm making fun of her, I'm just saying what we have to debate, I must be on the debating team, just, you know, just busting her chops, whatever, and then her boyfriend starts yelling and I'm like, are you with her?
Jesus Christ, get your balls out of out of her purse or something like that. So I continue the joke. As you do, and I swear to God, dude, they drove away, I shit you not, and then two other cars followed them and I was thinking like, Wait, I know I'm on last.
Are they going to get in trouble? And I took me a second to put it together. And I was just like, wait, this is like walk in a room, but like with cars in three cars fucking drove away and. I got to tell you, dude, it was like overwhelmingly depressing that that overly sensitive white woman has not gone away. And it's just it's just really.
It's a lot of work to try and still have fun up there. Especially because I find them to be so astoundingly hypocritical and like over-the-top sexist, and this is me talking. They are so fucking sexist. It's like that literally, if you're saying something they don't want to hear, they're going to yell over it, like when I said I was doing this thing, you know, every study I've seen. Then when they do to see who's smarter, they always say women are smarter than men and she's a shy guy, get the whole fucking time.
So then, of course, when I flip it. Then it's back to back again, so it's like, OK, so you had no problem. With when I said women are smarter than men, you would just like, that's right. That's right. That's not some sexist shit. That is a fucking fact. But then I flip it around. Then all of a sudden it's like you need to leave because buttons have been pushed. And I have to and I cannot fucking believe, like.
Those people that do that and then what they then go and sign off on. Which is the exact thing that they're fucking yelling about, just completely reversed and they're like, yeah, yeah, it's not the same thing. And you look at them now that they're in power, which they basically are on social media. And like I mean, I don't remember a time where I could go on Twitter and end a woman's career. No. Well, I say that.
I say that something happens, even though they said that it didn't look right. They have that level of power and look what they're doing with it. Look what they're doing with it. And my favorite fucking thing is, is when they trash the person. With the circumstantial evidence and then it starts slipping into their act and it's like, well, wait, wait, wait now wait. Now let's let's let's try to stay on topic now.
Yeah. You know what I mean, it's just like what is the person does act have to do with what you're talking here? What why all of a sudden he's not a real comic. He's a hack. And this is I shouldn't just say when I saw some guy comics doing this, too. So it's just like this is how petty you are, this comics act, and then getting spots annoyed due to the fact that you're going to sign off on some shit to end their career and you weren't even there.
That's real. Benedictus And because you're a comedian, you hold like a higher level of power in this argument and you're just like, yep, that's all I need to say. And it's just it's really it's it's something else. And and then I'm supposed to sit here and be like. And sort of sign off on this narrative that toxic human behavior just sort of exists in the male sex and that there's no toxic nothing, just nothing but just women around the world.
There'd be no war and everything would be great. There's no vindictiveness enough. It's just like that's a cartoon. It's like human beings. All of us are flawed. So anyway, so it's just like I remember last year when I was doing Pete Davidson Judd's movie doing standup New York. And it was just like. It was just not fun. It was just not fun and you could just feel this certain crowd member like trying to bully the direction of your your act.
Yeah. And like that it's like you can say all this sex is shit you want as long as it's about guys. But anything else, then, you're this toxic person in there fanning themselves and an apology needs to be made and I don't know, the more I look at that fuckin Ellen DeGeneres shit and the fact that she had to issue a public apology for being mean at work to a bunch of people that never worked for her, it's just.
It like blows my mind, and I used to think, I don't even watch The Ellen DeGeneres Show, but what's happening to her is complete fucking. Like it should be handled in-house. Yeah, that's like locker room shit. OK, and and I all of these people who never had to host a fucking talk show five days a fucking week. She's got to go out there and dance in front of those fucking animals that whose excitement is through the roof and she has to do this three hundred something times a year.
And every time she has to get this fuck now, you're going to start getting short with people. Yeah, and then the amount of people at her level that are just talking to her just to fucking talk to her and she has to, like, conserve her shit, she's going to get shot with people. Listen, I'm not saying I mean, I wasn't fucking there, all right? But like I mean, adults are literally acting like children.
I've had my own bosses. I've gotten fucking yelled at on set. I had a guy one time come at me, I was doing a scene in the lead, didn't like the direction of it, so he started improvising. So I started improvising because he was improv. And then the fucking money behind the movie came and looked at him and fucking yelled at me, a thousand fucking F bombs and all that shit, because I was a low man on the totem pole and I got pissed.
But I'm fucking say anything, right? I was like, you know, I'm not gonna lie to you. I couldn't get to sleep till, like, I woke up at like 3:00 in the morning thinking all the shit that I want to say but didn't say, what the fuck did this guy end up being a really good shit and you end up having another fucking movie.
You know, years later and he goes, hey, there's two parts and you pick the one you want to do, and I did it and we hung out in that movie and now I fucking love the guy. So it's just like if I judged him in that one moment. And I went to Twitter and I got like, no, we will make making a movie. Things weren't going the way we wanted, money was flying out the window. People's emotions were high.
I got caught in the crossfire. You know, you've got to be a big boy at some point, just be like, all right, is this who this guy really is? He does this again. Yeah. Then I got to say something. All right. He does at one time. All right. I got five lines in this fucking movie. I get it. Shit runs downhill and. I don't know, just this, it's kind of like if you get if you're going to hold somebody to that standard and then look at yourself, it's just like we've I haven't been that guy snapped on somebody that didn't deserve it.
Like, I actually think about that woman in the car the way I could have finessed that and got her to laugh, to listen to the rest of the joke, which was actually complimentary to, you know, I was going really hard this way to end up on that way. And they drove away in the middle of. So the next night, though, so my wife had to listen to me, give her an earful about like how like I was just dumbfounded that six months of people watching their loved one's grandparents, friends and people died.
People lose their businesses and all the shit that this stupid fucking petty shit of, oh, my God, I'm a white woman. And you just, like, cross the fucking line. Like, I thought that that shit was going to go away and to go back first show pick right up where we left off. Was just overwhelmingly depressing and unfortunately, the next night, Josh goes, Hey, you coming back? And I was just like, I fuck and I'll come back.
And I went back and I actually sat and I listened to my act like ten minutes of it. Wrote down a little bit of a set list and then went up there last night, I fucking ripped and I had a great set and I actually really enjoyed it. And I remembered I had that feeling again, like, oh, that's right, connecting with an audience, making people laugh, seeing people that aren't like you, laughing, especially if you're talking about your life and then relating it just makes you feel better.
And for the life of me, I don't understand why they just seem to have singled out. Comedians and I think. I don't know, I mean, that my paranoia is that if you get a really great one, like a Dave Chappelle, they can say stuff that can really influence people, I think, in a really positive way. And like certain people don't. I don't don't want that, like, I don't know, just the level I don't know, I'm a lefty do.
And I have to tell you, like the level of name calling and bullying that's been on my side of the aisle is is like it's like it's fucking it's just embarrassing sex. When you see a fan of your team, like you go to an away game and you just see. Fans acting like fucking idiots, getting into fights like, come on, man, they're going to judge our host city by this, what are you doing? So you could have been a bad week.
It's so but I did have that set, so it was good.
So they stay in their cars. Yes, and they're not allowed in L.A. parking, so, I mean, it's jammed, and I'll tell you what, man, we had we had we were in Philly last night, did nine hundred cars. Fucking amazing at the old vet, the parking lot for the vet. And, well, initially they were like, you know, no one's allowed out of their cars. And then and then they, you know, Philadelphia that like where the Phillies and Eagles played.
Yeah. The whole park.
It was like a quarter mile long. It was fucking massive. It was amazing. I did have a panic that I was like, shit, this Philly is where Bill had his hiccup with the crowd. And I was like, Philly's unruly. I was not a hiccup, was it? Was a faceplant. So I was like, I was like, shit, initially, they're like no one's allowed to leave their cars and people are like, kind of pissed.
Fucking Philly just did a rework. They just climbed out their sunroofs and sat on the hoods of their cars. It was fucking amazing.
Amazing to hear it in your voice, dude. I was like, your voice is blown out.
Oh, dude, I was I mean, it was like and then I got in the golf cart and do a meet and greet drive around and like, everyone's leaving traffic wise fucking out of this world. But then being out of their cars is the game changer. Once they can like the one we're doing tonight in Cape Cod, they have roped off areas that you have purchased where you bring your car in and then you have your space. So you're like everyone's like like last night, every car that a space between every Kornilov that they're figuring it out due to this place in Cape Cod is fucking amazing.
Three huge Jumbotron like the one last night, Bill, I've nation put on two huge Jumbotron next to the stage and then three Jumbotron throughout the parking lot so everyone can see everything perfectly. It is I'm telling you, man, this show last night, everyone will end up doing that if we stay in quarantine for much longer. It's an option for comics. I don't see. I did a show in Butler, Pennsylvania, that was one of the best shows I've ever done in my life, a tiered drive in.
So it was into the side of a hill. It was fucking crazy.
Bill, how are you going to put out like a Drive-In, like coffee book, stand up, drive in coffee book? Just like with just you should I mean I mean, I know like you're on a small budget because of all the all the extra money you have to spend with travel and all that. But like, you've got a photographer to start snapping pictures because this is going to be when you go back and you look at those the Spanish flu or whatever the fuck it was, influenza and all of that, like those pictures are really interesting.
I just don't know if pictures are pictures. Interesting. Nowadays, I think just because so many it's just like an idiot like me with a cell phone, you know, it's really underrated nowadays is a lost as a professional photographer with like a real camera and someone that can, like, capture. You know, those honest like moments rather than, you know. The selfies and and look at this picture, look at this picture we took the other day, Bill, hang on.
Look at this picture. It didn't get barely any likes. This is a real picture we took in Memphis. Jesus Christ, lightning striking right above the tour bus. In and know everyone's like nowadays, you're right, people look at that and they go, oh, that's Photoshop, that's not real, it's a real fucking picture.
But then people say shit like, great pic. But what's up with the color that busts laughing my ass off, shaking my head? They've got to look into the corners of the picture so they can be the original person. Dude, it's I mean, I posted a picture of me and my buddy, my buddy who passed away, and it was just the same shit. Yeah. You know, you should bury those fucking dead jeans with, you know, just like I get at your age.
You're funny. I get it. I get it. Yeah. Like, you know, like you were wearing today. Styles in nineteen ninety nine. I understand.
So, so, so they're going to keep doing more shows at the Magic Castle. That sounds fun. Oh, I hope so. I mean, I'm going to try to like. Go down there, because now that I've seen what it's like and everything and everybody is safe, there's always a couple of jerk offs without fucking masks on, you know, or the guy who has it down and he's breathing out of his nose and it's here.
It's just like, what is the point? And then they want to come up and talk to you. It's just like, buddy, what are we doing here? Don't you want to help this fucking thing? And so there's always a couple of people like that.
And I'll tell you, I have to tell you, I never say anything, but it is annoying.
I'll tell you the thing. Here's what I noticed. I have. I was talking to someone there like him, man, I can't drive in, so that shows everyone's honking. I go, says who? I said, You've never been to one. And he goes, Well, that's what my agent said. And I was like, Your agent hasn't been to one, like, fuck off. Agents are so afraid of losing clients because they're not making any money right now that they're scaring their clients into staying with them.
When the truth is there is why can't they write this book at the Drive-In? Because it's it's not that easy. There's only a couple of promoters doing drive ins. So it's kind of a it's kind of tough to get into right now.
I think I said Live Nation's doing it much like nations. I'm nationalisations doing this one.
This is brand new. I was the first comic. I was the first person to do this show. Michael Black said, you know, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I meant it. This is going to shut up. This stage just went up.
Yeah, it just went up yesterday. But but there are going to be options. Like what? Chappelle's doing different stuff out there that we can all do and try. And I think I think agents scare people into doing it. Brian Regan's doing a run. Nikki Glaser's doing a run. And I'm telling you, man, there's so much fun to be had of these things. And I got letters from people that are like, you know, hey, my husband's a cop.
It's been a rough been a rough run. It's so nice, you know, that that we put on nice clothes and went out and got out of the house for the first time in six months. You know, it's been a rough summer and you like and that's what I think is that's what I think is so cool about them doing it.
Yeah. Oh fuck. Yeah. Fuck, yeah.
Dude, it is so funny that just a different experience you can have, you're a fun guy on stage, I'm a cunt and that's what happens the the like yesterday we're driving through Philly and those kids on dirt bikes, like the Rough Riders, like DMX, all surround our car and are doing fucking wheelies and shit. And there's fucking a van full of late forties, men with their cellphones videotaping these 12 year olds, 15 year old kids on motorcycles.
And they're just. And then some kid fucking wrecked.
Yeah. That have to. Have you seen this one guy? He's the best I've ever seen as far as doing what he does it on like a Harley, like like like with the bags, the whole fucking thing and like flip flops and Larry bird shorts. And he has like the back scraping on. It doesn't even make sense. It's he heads it looks like he's on a rocking.
That I wish I could do that shit when we went to Sturgis, there were guys, they just go down the strip and they're going on their motorcycle, just standing on their side, arms wide open, going like fucking 50. And you're like, fuck that. I could not. I mean, I don't know what I like that people do that, but I can't. Well, I can't watch. I got to look away, you know. I saw today this guy was doing one of those fucking back flips off in a quarry.
And you fucking did it the wrong way and landed on the rocks and then went in, it's just like. I mean, it's just these fucking kids, it's just like you just went from the Primelife to now you can't be Joe Namath in a fucking footrace up from Primelife to I played 20 years in the NFL fucking 50 years ago. I mean, I just was like, that's patala fima fucking dude, dude.
It was like Wile E. Coyote. Except it was a person. The I don't know why my ass is in fuck, I got a term I see on just talk amongst yourselves real quick, OK? Holy shit. Hang on. Hang on, hang on, hang on. Oh, actually, sorry. OK, so I get a phone call from Liam the other day, I wake up at like noon and I get a phone call from LeAnn and she doesn't look right.
She's crying. And I'm like, what's up? I actually knew something was off because she was in her bra. She never calls me if she's in, like if she's always face time with me fully clothed because, you know, I'll take pictures. So she calls me. She passed out walking into the kitchen, landed on her face teeth went through her lip. And knocked herself unconscious, woke up in a pool of blood, like what the fuck was so out of it from concussion that she then worked out, went and met the contractor for the new house, and then she called me.
She was like, I think I hurt myself. And I'm like, her face is fucked up beyond recognition.
I didn't say anything. You must think you're a contractor.
A contractor was like, What are you doing here? She's like, Oh, I'm fine. I'm fine. I was like, go to the hospital, dude. I joke around about a joke around about like my wife. I make a lot of jokes. They took her to the hospital. They're like, yeah, we're going to keep you here. There's something wrong. Like, it could be a brain tumor. It could be like a panic that went through my heart.
The idea that I would have to raise my kids.
I'm hoping there's a happy ending to this.
She they're doing they don't really have an answer. They think that they think that it's either exhaustion or that she has a electrical problem in her heart that just flickers every now and then. And it just made her faint. She's fainted before, but never to this level, never to.
Like, I could never stop for Reggie Lewis. Is it what's the deal with basketball players and nothing? I forget what it was, some sort of irregular heartbeat or arrhythmia or whatever. I mean, but they they.
Yeah, they would collapse, yeah, I was oh, no, she's I think she they think she's fine. They're doing tests on her heart right now. But, man, the idea of being a single parent for a second, I had it like in my head. I was like, oh, I got real angry. I was like, so life's not fun anymore, I guess. I guess I just don't do stand up. I guess I just move home and then raise two kids.
And then what. I guess I guess I'm not like I got real fucking angry. I didn't think about her at all. Not in the slightest. I was like I was like Leander's and Carolien just be like, well, I'm dying. I'm so sorry I'm leaving you guys. But this is life. This is a circle of life. And I'm sitting there going, no, it's not as cool. I literally was like, oh, I'm supposed to die first, you know, how dare you out of me?
I'll die preemptively, die out, die would be you died, too. I want to be a country. That is what I am. Oh, she's fine now.
Her face is still really fucked up.
I go back and forth like I want to live to one hundred, but I don't want to live.
I don't want to say anything out loud the way my friends are fucking dropping like flies. Speaking of which, I'm going to call your fucking heart doctor, yeah, oh, is that what what is that what?
Look at the the text was I got this year alone, two heart attacks, a stroke and an aneurysm. People in and out of both in show business, not show business, what in the last like I don't know how many months. It's just like we are at that age.
Yeah, we are at that age.
I'm going to when I get to make him no more booze and I may just run that through the end of the year. Unquestionably good. They are fantastic, refreshing, refreshing seltzer with natural ingredients and no artificial flavors. Bill, this is a perfect preshow cocktail. If light refreshing. And I was thinking, dude, let me tell you something. These are amazing. Put in put it on ice. I pour over ice, drink it right out of the can.
I had them with bombs the other day in Philly. Lemon, lime, black, cherry, mango, strawberry. A hundred calories. A hundred calories. Let me tell you something for these really does the trick. So you get one gram of sugar fat one for where was that.
Where was that bar. You look at me in Texas, me in the past my giant Charlie Brown had God bless you with blood like seltzer, five step filtration only taste with a clean finish. And it has a familiar Bud Light easy drinking name for those you for looking for an approachable brand and a wide, hard seltzer category made with real Cajun to keep it clean, good, clean.
Cane sugar for a high quality taste, if you'd like one delivered right to your door, you can go to Bud Light dotcom slash Billboard Dilbert. You can also find a retailer near you at Bud Light, dotcom slash Bellbird, pick it up at a local grocery store, convenience store or liquor store. Enjoy responsibly a part.
You know, that thing they do with celebrities who wore it best of us to they should do who read it worse.
All right, everybody, hold on. All right, everybody, it's Helix. All right, please talk about bad sleeping conditions on the road. Oh, jeez, that guy is Super eight when there's a serial killer next door. We all know what a bad night sleep makes personalized medicines made right here in America and shipped straight to your door with free. No contract delivery, free returns at one hundred nights. Sleep trial.
How to choose a. Yeah, they're going to take that thing back to your old cell phone and they bring it to some other country, they repurposing you choose to let you choose a mattress. Helix made a quiz to choose a mattress. How it's made a quiz that takes just two minutes to complete and matches your body type and sleep preferences to the perfect mattress for you. If you like a mattress that's really soft, your firm, you sleep on your slide or in your back or on your stomach or you sleep really hot.
Gross with Helix as a specific mattress for each and everybody's unique taste, you can take the quiz and you will be matched with the Helix mattress that you wanted. I loved Helix. I read I read this whole article, but that if you don't sleep well, it shortens your life. So why not get a customized mattress? All right. But you don't need to take my word for it. Helix was awarded the number one best overall mattress pick of twenty twenty by GQ, Wired magazine and apartment therapy.
Just go to Helix Sleep dotcom slash Bellbird. Take the two minute sleep quiz and I'll match you to a customized mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life. They have a ten year warranty and you get to try it out for one hundred nights risk free. They'll even pick it up and give you a full refund if you don't love it. But you will right now is offering up to two hundred dollars off mattress orders for our listeners.
Get up to two hundred dollars off at Helix Sleep dotcom slash Bellbird Beilby.
Artie, if you're bored in your house, why not play with your balls? Our sponsor today is manscape and they are here to make sure your balls are smooth while you or your partner are playing with a manscape, promotes clean hygiene when it comes to shaving your balls and they would like to thank their lawnmower. Three point. Oh, I love the lawn mower. Three point out. Well, you're probably looking for new things to do at home. Why not make grooming your balls a part of your routine?
Manscape is forever changing the grooming game with their perfect package. Three point zero the perfect packaging kit three point kit comes with the new and improved lawnmower, three point waterproof cordless body trimmer and a ton of other liquid formulations to round out your grooming routine. The third generation trimmer features a cutting edge ceramic blade to reduce grooming accidents thanks to their skin cells. Advanced skin safe technology pioneered by manscape. Not only does manscape obsess over technology technological developments to provide you the best tools for grooming experience, but the only they only use the best ingredients for their formulations.
Inside the perfect package, you'll also find manscape crop preserver, ball deodorant and anti chafing ball deodorant and moisturizer. Subscribe to the perfect package and get a new replacement bait refill for your lawn mower three point zero delivered to your door every three months. You're crushing this read, making sure you're losing your confidence, making sure your trimmer always stays fresh and clean for a limited time.
Subscribers get not one but two free gifts and the Z travel bag at thirty nine value added thirty nine dollars value added and the patent performing patent high performance ante chafing manscape boxers. This is the perfect package for your perfect package. Get twenty percent off plus free shipping with the code bellbird at manscape dotcom. Do yourself a favor and always use the right tools for the job. Get twenty percent off and free shipping with the code bellbird at manscape dotcom. That's twenty percent off with free shipping and manscape dotcom.
Use the code Goldbart make playing with your balls the best part of your day. Thank you. Manscape. Yeah, I was just thinking I haven't. I was trying to do the math, I'm over six hundred days, yes, sorry about that. I don't even think about it anymore. I really don't really know.
It just doesn't even know what it is. It doesn't occur to me like I haven't had a cigar since January. Twenty nine. I'm going to have one tonight, the first one since then. But in a way, I'm a little bummed out because it doesn't occur to me. To have one any more, like I only need to go like 40, 50 days.
Alcohol is longer because alcohol like a cigar is like a celebration, a moment or whatever where alcohol was. It was just there. You know what I mean, do a show, do a shot of going out to dinner, have a glass of wine, it was just it wasn't like alcohol. It's just so. They're all the time, everywhere you go, it takes it took me a while to have stopped to be at places where there's alcohol and to not see it, you know what I mean?
Yeah, I'm like I've never been like.
So still any feelings there? I think I finally cried all the whiskey out of me. So the cigar.
I smoked a scar and I think we were in Amarillo. We were late and we were on a cliff and the lake was below. Say Bobby Lane lived there. Who. Bobby Lane.
Bobby Lane, one of the great quarterbacks in the NFL of all time, will probably go to the original Ken Stabler. Ken Stabler modeled a lot of his career after him, where he would go out, he'd have booze on his breath in the huddle and still win the game.
And the championship for you was Amarillo, where Texas Tech is or was that Lubbock? I don't know.
I fucked that whole thing up, I apologize to everybody in Texas. No, I we were we were in Amarillo and there was and we were on a cliff overlooking a lake and a thunderstorm was coming across the lake and lightning was everywhere but was far away. And it was lighting up sky. And I broke down. I broke down when the boss got a cigar, sat on the fucking lawn chair.
I thought you meant you started crying. I was like, Oh, God, I don't want to hear that. Oh, no.
We were drinking and I fucking lit a cigar and I was like, I'm going to have a cigar. Was my first cigar. I've had probably. Definitely since quarantine, since March, definitely. Oh, it was weird that you haven't smoked it, but you brought him.
I have them with me all the time. I know I always have weed with me and I never smoke. You just want to just just ignore this just in case. I hope you're not going across state lines where it's not legal end up in some fucking Tommy Chong shit.
I think we're good on that. We're getting here was a little sketchy. I was nervous in Texas and Arizona. Oh, my God, those guys, they're just waiting to take out their fucking miserable existence on you. Oh, yeah, yeah, I we know Texas isn't as great as they say it is, and they wouldn't have to talk about it all the time.
Tell them to roll again and again. Everyone's moving to Texas, apparently. I love when you say everyone. All it takes is two or three people. Everyone's leaving Hollywood. So our Pentagon attacks Whitney Cummings. I'm like, you're not leaving, are you? And she's like, well, I don't know, taxes or dot, dot, dot, dot ideas is going, Ari's going to Texas. Joe's going to have Giuliani was in New York. He left a long time ago.
Yeah, he did. You see Big Jay get attacked? Big J got attacked now while he was doing an outdoor show and they were there on stage, about six Big J do on stage, it would make somebody such a.
I mean, I know he's a little blue, but like I always just thought he had a miss vibe is great. Like I don't see him. Like, even when he makes fun of people, the way he makes fun of them is in such a playful way, what happened?
He was the girl was losing her mind for every comic that went up and was like at one point, apparently, that's all. I mean, allegedly, I mean, I wasn't there, but I heard from Jay apparently at one point was screaming like a baby, like screaming, throwing a temper tantrum. Her dad claims she's an alcoholic, bipolar and just went up and she's not a feminist.
Yeah, they just gave. Just what is in that bag? Just went up a light seltzer, just went up and started messing with a white woman this and privilege this and then her brother came up to the stage. Her brother's like a porn star or a porn director. This great family grabbed all their dad's a fan of the Legion of Skanks. And I should tell you everything you need to know about this family.
A big day. Live by the sword. Die by the sword. This is your your fan base is so crazy. Wow.
We've got the dad or the brother came up, grabbed Jay by the ankle and Rip Jay off the stool off the stage. Jay fell six feet off the stage onto the dude. And then Louie Jay Gomez jumped on him and apparently Legion of Skanks fans bum rush this dude and I think put him in the hospital and in jail. He went to jail. Oh, oh, you got the video. But most importantly, how to play the video. All right.
It's I sent it to you, Bill. Text it to you if you want to watch it or something. Look at this dude.
First of all, is he the Hulk who rip Big Jay, who just grabs Big Jay by the ankle is fucking awesome.
It he pulls the C, pulls the legs of the stool, I believe that is.
Yeah, it was it was on a live stream, I'm in the bus and he's talking about it and I just called Jay. I was like, tell me everything I need to know.
Yeah, right. I take that back. Yeah. He pulls one ankle. He pulls his right ankle off, but. Yeah, and that's that is Lewis shaking, no, no, no, no, no, no. He came from behind. No, that's Lewis J. Gomes coming to stop the fight. It looks like you get it looks like Lewis, but Lewis was.
That looks like an old Burt Reynolds movie like Hooper or something. I'm just laughing because I know he's all right. He's fine. But that other guy is not good. No joke. That was a ball.
Yeah. Six feet in the air at about fucking 20 yards, 20 feet.
It was fucking intense. Stand up comedy is bad.
I'm glad you told the big story before I told my fuck you, fuck you. And she drove away.
I could feel that.
Wow. Yeah. Having someone having someone walk during a drive in and I've had that where they leave early is extremely distracting, extremely. Like when they go back up, pull out, drive in front of the stage, ask the car.
You got to look at the making the model and then you got to do a whole back story because I was doing that last night, like, oh, man, look at all the Prius is fucking liberal crowd. Someone with a lift in the balance. Is this crowd out?
Did you hear what Colin said? He goes he said something about making fun of cars. And he's like, look at this guy in a nineteen ninety seven Mercedes Benz. Oh, wait, I'm sorry. That's your next act. Which was.
It's crazy. I was an original, so, yeah, I mean, it's crazy that with everything going on, there are still people that are looking to get outraged. They're going out of the way to find outrage that that they can't just put things on pause and go. Not for me.
You know, what kills me is I have a bigger chance of offending people. In front of a crowd of white women than I do doing like the black show. Oh yeah, I want to be uptown. So the uptown shows are like, if you don't bomb, they're fun, but it could be a bomb. It doesn't get ugly. And it's like you can literally joke about, like, the sense of humor that African-Americans have. Is and you just sort of feminist, they just they have that's the they.
They have absolutely zero sense of humor about.
Themselves. Everybody else is OK to make fun of you, make fun of them, they're just like if it's not all because my wife is a feminist and she's got a great sense of humor, but she's like. I don't if feminism meets moron's. Like you just just fucking morons and but I will say, though, they are very they know how to apply the pressure. They apply pressure where the money that. You know, they go to the corporation and they know the corporations act like the mob.
This guy's bringing too much heat. Whack them, get rid of them. That's that's all they're doing.
And what's crazy, though, is that the more I spoke about the tipping point is when is when, you know, networks and agencies and.
Whatever big companies stand by and just go, well, OK, if you can prove what you're saying. Then, well, then it just goes away in three days, but they they they get all sucked into the bubble. It doing so much that I could say, but I don't want to like. I am a big fucking believe are not trashing other comics publicly. I really am.
Yeah, there's no there's no long list of shit. We can all get each other's phone numbers. You want to call that person up and vent or just do what everybody else does. You had to close buddy in comedy and go off on the person that you don't like to fucking do it on. The Internet is just like. It's like you're acting like one of those bots that are just they're just they're a disruption.
I don't know what it bums me out. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm wrong. No, I don't. I hate that. I hate that shit because I look at things like I get on the phone with Nikki Glaser and I start telling her about one of these gigs. And I'm like, hey, you need to get hooked up with merch guy. Like that is what I got into comedy for the camaraderie and the fucking bullshitting. And there are comics I don't like and I text privately with other people or you I go, I go like, you know, what about this guy back and forth.
But to do it out loud, I just don't get it.
And then and then once, even when I would never as much as I don't like somebody, I would never pile on to try and help ruin their career if I had no evidence that's out there. I just as much as I didn't like somebody act to Twitter, I just that's that's that's the thing that's really sad. About a lot of this stuff in. You know, this is and it's just it's creating this division, and when I see somebody do that.
It's going to be real weird if they say hello to me, because there's no way for me to not have in my head like, well, hello now and then. What are you going to say tomorrow online if there's even a gentle breeze blowing in my direction? It's just like. That's that's not that's not I don't know. I just I don't it's not how I was fucking brought up to date on he's laying in the fucking gutter. You start you fucking start peeing on him.
Because of your own personal bullshit, I don't know, there's a comic that Patrice and I saw a headline in Edinburgh and Patrice and I were breaking down why this guy was good, like what was good about this guy? Like, no, I'm not. I mean, he's not my style coming, nor is he's Patrice's style comedy. But we sat there and we and we picked apart like what we loved about what he was doing and how was good and what was brilliant about his act.
I never forgot that. I never forgot that I watched this guy do a full hour. The first time I saw a person do a full hour before, I'd never seen anyone do an hour. I sat with Patrice and then later that night, the guy just didn't know who Patrice or I were. But we said hi. He knew that we were American and he's American. And he was it was fairly nice, you know, aloof. I won't say his name.
The other day I saw that he liked a tweet I was mentioning. You know how that comes up in your Twitter, though? If you go to the verified people like to tweet, I was mentioned in a tweet was someone saying they hoped or they were pretty sure that I was going to be the next person up for sexual assault charges. Like, they're like, I don't know, man. Rogan's friends are all sketchy, but Krisha's definitely got some dirt and this guy liked it.
This guy is a celebrity comedian. He wasn't mentioned in the tweet, Bill. He was looking through the Internet for fucking. And by the way, he's a big comic and he was sitting there in his fucking underwear and his shirt eating ice cream on the Internet, just going, yeah, fuck Burt, Krischer and Thompson, girl, fuck those guys. And they liked it and he retweeted it. What a fucking cunt. I want to call them out publicly because he's a cunt.
But I don't because listen, man, I hope he does well also like I have no, I got a problem with him.
Get him, get his number and call him up. That's what that's how you handle. You handle this shit that's like that Ellen shit. OK, the show got a little sideways. Maybe she did something. Maybe she did. I mean, you're fucking adult. Sit down. Like to sit there and whine to the public who's just sitting there, not everybody, but generally the public, they're just it's just entertainment for another log on the fire. Yeah.
That that dude, that really is like. I don't know, it's starting to go into now where it's just like. If someone thinks you're me, your dream is over. It's just like that. Now, what's it going to be? What's going to be three years from now is slightly impressive and what and what I think it is, I think there are lower.
Good morning. I just it made me uncomfortable. I think they're comics seeing that there are spots opening up. They're going, wow, we took the lead down. Now we got a spot open. I think there are comics that look at this business that way and they go, if we can't sell enough guys, then there will be spots. Maybe I can get more spots. And maybe I really believe that there are people that think that way because I don't necessarily think that that's what I don't think that that's what's behind the movement.
I do think after somebody gets taken out that there's a lot of them.
I don't think that that's what happened to I don't think that that is what's happening with the movement. But I think there are comics that are excited that people are getting taken down because they're like, OK, now, now, now I know I get a shot at my million dollars or what I think it really is. I had a female.
Come on, you wouldn't be wrong. You wouldn't be wrong that there are unfortunately, in all industries that people like that, but. My thing is I feel like the same way we have to keep ourselves out there by putting stuff out specials and get an acting gig or sending out stuff on social media. I feel like movements have to keep themselves out there. And, you know, when you're doing what they're doing, you need. You just got to take somebody out every once in a while to remind people that that's what you're doing.
And, you know, like I'm not I'm going to be honest like this some that I'm like, Yeah, man, that looks like that person did some shit. And then there's others where it just looks like, dude, that is like whut held together with, like, fucking honey and scotch tape. This is like this is bullshit. This is just a bad date. And but they all get treated with the same. Like, you know, they just I don't know.
And then at the same time in. They're the people that do that are then asking for you to support it, and it's just like. You know, I definitely support. Stopping. That type of behavior, I mean, as far as me being mean at work, I don't give a fuck about that, OK, that's horseshit. But I mean, this whole sexual assault thing, like, I don't have a problem with that, but I do have a problem with signing off on, you know.
Just. Everything from like, you know, there's already people saying this, too, like a sliver of two DM's pasted together from seven years ago and you're supposed to sound the fucking alarm. I mean, I. You see all this shit of people going to jail for shit that they didn't fucking do and they actually got a goddamn trial. So, I mean, you're doing it this way is I mean. I just. I don't know that they're playing a very dangerous game, so but also having said that, I talked to a female comic like 10 days ago and she told me some fucking stories and I was just like, wow.
And then she said, yeah, man, when I see some guy get going down. My first thought is good. Fuck them. And after hearing his stories, it's like what I understand. I do understand that so a bit.
But I really hope what I really hope will happen is eventually that it's going to.
That the initial blast of anger of like this is what's been going on all this fucking time, you fucking asshole guys. Will eventually come back to play. Now everybody knows that. OK, now we can go back to now. Now this people, people you can report it to and all of that, and that can be evidence, that can be an investigation and all of that stuff. So you can make sure that when you nail somebody asked to the wall that they they did something that they definitely, you know.
I don't know if it's a. I don't know. I don't know, dude. It's like it's you know, what it is when you I think when you talk to especially female comics, like it's like being in a boat and someone saying, are there any sharks in there? And you're like, oh, I don't see anything from above the water. And women are below the water because they see the sexual harassment in all the shit. And they're like, oh yeah, there's tons of sharks out there.
And you're like, that's funny. I don't see any fins. And you're like, yeah, they're not going to show you the fins because they're going to treat you differently. And so I think that's probably what it is, because I'm not I'm not like a guy that chases pussy. So, like, you're never going to hear me talking about that, you know, at the clubs. I'm just going to be like, anyone want to get a drink?
And then I bounce. So I'll say to you that that's the way you were.
Dude, can I tell you I am so grateful. I'm so grateful that I have a game that I have a hard time kissing people like it, it it for whatever reason, I have such a difficult time with the first kiss and I wanted Bill. I wanted so badly to be able to slide into people's dams and and fucking and try to kiss chicks, push them up against the wall and like, make out. I wanted that shit in my life.
I just am not that guy and I could never do it. And I hated myself for it. I was like embarrassed that I'm just I'm just I'm just like, uncomfortable fucking dude. I remember being with someone. These girls were in this room and there was this guy, another comic, and. And he thought we were going to fuck, I was so uncomfortable with the idea of asking these two girls to fuck both of us at the same time that I couldn't stop making jokes about it.
And he was like, hey, turn it off, turn it off, you fucking it up. And I was like, oh, I just do not get fucking while there's some other people fucking in the same room. I have never understood that. I don't understand, you know, me and my buddy tag team, this chick and it's just like I think I won if I just like. Like, OK, you're hooking up with the chick, I never think, like, oh, I wish my buddy was OK.
I never understood. I never understood. Like, I remember coming to New York and you'd hear comics talk about doing the road together. And then and then we both fucked this chick. And I'm like, gross. Like, that's disgusting.
Like, I don't know, I actually get off this fucking subject because I swear to God, like someone will edit this fucking thing up, you know, and they think it's funny. They think it's fucking funny. I don't know. Yeah. Weird times. Weird fucking times. Yeah.
I mean, I'm ready for clubs to open up. I'm ready for theaters to open up. I'm ready to I have a brand new bit that I'm in love with, but you can't work it out the way you would in a club where you do like do like three shows, belly room or main room and then run over the improv bang one out. And then you're like, OK, that bit is solid. We've got that up and running. Well.
Maybe they'll be free parking lots near each other. You can get a little fucking scooter, you know, if they just in the grove, you just have a show on the level one show on level two, level three. And you're like, I'm going to go to any good movies or anything out there.
No, nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing. I need to watch you watching hockey playoffs or anything like that.
I grew up in Tampa. We didn't when I was a kid. Lightener up to one against Columbus.
Yeah, but the lightning weren't there when I was a kid. The lightning weren't there when I was a kid. So I never I never got to play lacrosse, hockey, all the other white guys, sports that I would have been good at. I never had to play.
What about what about the the devil rays or are they going to be the next expos? Are they going to move to Montreal?
I don't know. We so so I've set up events every day for us to do on this trip. I write every day. I have some socially distant safe event, usually at the parking lot. So we had these crosthwaite guys come out and do a cross fit day for us today. They're going crabbing there. Everyone's going crabbing today in in Cape Cod. So the other day I get this guy to set up a pitching machine in the parking lot and it's wet the rubber balls.
It really sucks. And then he's like, fuck it. I paid a boatload of money to have a batting cage and a pitching machine there, but it's too wet to use it. So then the guy goes, fuck, it just grabs a bucket of balls. And he threw batting practice to us in the parking or in the drive in movie theater. Bill, I have had never had more fun in my fucking life. I mean, I have been watching videos of me swinging a bat all day long, like I'm just watching videos going because I never got to see myself swing a bat as a kid like you never got videos of yourself playing baseball like it was.
Videos were hard to come by back then. This is the first time I'm watching myself swing a bat and I am like, I cannot stop looking at it. I'm like, God damn it, I have a beautiful fucking swing. It was so much fun just hitting dingers in a drive in movie theater. You're fucking hilarious there, you're a shit talker. Damn, I have a beautiful swing, dude, I have I've wanted to see myself swing a baseball bat my whole life.
My whole life.
When I was in when I was like in Junior, when I was in when I was probably like 13, we got a first camcorder.
Right. And my dad had a camcorder. But it was horrible fucking footage through a fence over in the stands like no one cared about, like framing or anything. So I barely and I got I had to bassets that my dad filmed it on that tape. And then in high school, someone videotaped me. One time I saw myself swing one time and I was like, oh, man, I would love to see more of that. I, I was up last night drinking by myself, watching myself swing hit the baseball.
I was like, this is crazy, man, you know?
But the longer I do this, the more I get into your whole psychological makeup and broken bill.
Yeah, I never knew I always thought that you were one of those. I'm fucking with you. I don't think you're broken. Broken, but I thought because you got married younger, I always thought the comments you got married younger and had kids were a lot more grounded.
Then I'll tell you what's fucked up is one of my buddies sent me a video of my buddy who died of us. We went to an Anaheim Angels game April 2nd. Nineteen ninety seven. Whoa, and and like just watching. Like, what do you see yourself in five years and almost everybody said married couple of kids, hopefully selling tickets like I took me back to that time in my life where I always wanted to be married. I always wanted to have a family, but it always felt five years away, no matter what age I was at.
And I was starting to think like God is ever going to.
Happened for me, and I was always. Like, I got more envious of comics personal lives. The more the more regular they were. That then then I did of their acts and he got this or she got that or whatever. I was envious of like, you know, this guy comes down and does the show and then he goes home to a family like what's that like? Instead of me hanging out here trying to stay out as long as I can.
So when I go home, I just. Pass out and go to sleep, and I don't have to because it's weird you're not lonely in the morning when you wake up. It's weird. It's for me, it was nighttime going home alone, just sitting in your fucking place by yourself was that that's when the demons and the smoke and everything would fucking catch up with me. And I remember there was a few guys. It was one guy who's always come down to the comedy set on flaking on his name, and he's much older than I am.
I've been married for like 40 years. I get married for 40 years. He goes, I have not kissed another woman in like forty three years because he met his wife, dated like three years, and his kid was like twenty seven. And I was just looking like it's like you do this great job but you're totally normal.
You know what I mean, I was really like. You know, I saw the guys like Ray Romano, and when I look at Ray Romano, I wasn't looking at his he's like a killer sitcom, which the thing is still hilarious and relevant now. And it went into syndication. And he's got this amazing. Comes this amazing actor, you know, as good an actor as a comedian and all of that, and but the thing with Tim, I would watch him just like, you know, he married.
You know, you got married young and he had kids, and it's just like he like that was the part of his life. That I that I wanted I wasn't looking at like, oh, my God, this guy's. Doing these corporate gigs and whatever whatever he's doing is celebrity golf tournaments and shit. I didn't give a fuck about any of that. It's like this guy comes over to three kids in the park and or whatever, just does normal shit and.
Yeah, I think if I if I could have done it over again, who knows? But then the changes that's like that set back to school, not back to school, back to the future. Shit.
I was in such a panic to work in this business. I remember people were friends with like I remember someone was friends with an executive at like a network. And I remember thinking, how can you be friends with them? Like, wouldn't you be pitching them the whole time? Like wouldn't you always have an idea to pitch them? And they're like, no, I'm just like my friend. I just hang out with them. And I was like, I could never do that, like I need to.
And I was amazed people can make money. Like when I see people that own the house, I'd be like, how the fuck did you get a house like that is so amazing to me that you you saved up. Like what? Like, I remember thinking, where did you get the big check from? Like, you've got to put a down payment on a house.
Like what was your like did you and also have the proof that you're going to continue to be making this money? There's so many moments in comedy that I just remember. I remember Anthony Clark coming into the the comedy Conexion. In the beginning of the year and like ninety three or four. And his agent had just sent him his entire year of dates. And it was just like a punch line, improv, all the great things, and I just remember sitting there.
Going like, I can't imagine what it's like to be at that level to just because at that point I was my own manager, agent, the whole thing, and of course people call it up. I mean, I was still at Nick's comedy Stop and the woman who booked it used to make me say, this is Open Mike or Bill Burke and.
And I used to laugh and I would do it now. What's funny about that? Is that should be like, you know, it is really degrading and I feel like you did that to me because I was a redhead and it was just like I laughed about it and I actually still said Open Mike or Bill Burr, even when I had moved on. To hosting and like even like featuring and she doesn't work there any more, and she lives out here in L.A. and every once in a while there'd be some sort of reunion thing and she would show up and she would be like, hey, open Mike or Bill Burton.
Hey, what's going on? That's right. You got any spots to be Monday night? And we would laugh. I don't know, I would we would laugh. I remember, I remember I remember getting my first deal and they were like, so we want to bring out to L.A. what week works for you? And I was like, every single week you have like, I have nothing to do. And they're like, I love you.
You know, enough to be like, let me check my calendar. At the end of the twenty seven, they flew me out, Bill.
I swear to God they flew me out and they're like, So, so we'll fly you back. And then when and when we have other meetings we'll fly over there. And I was like, I was like, I don't know, I can just stay here. And they're like, what do you mean? I was like, okay, I'll just stay here. And they're like, you can stay out here for us. And I was like, yeah, they're like, how long?
And I was like, how long do you need me? And they're like, it'd be great if you still here like seven months. And I was like, yeah, I can do that. And they're like, well, I stayed in the hotel for seven months and at the Universal Sheraton, they paid for it the entire time, gave me a rental car and I just didn't leave. I was like, I have nothing to do. I was like, I'll do squats at night.
But the fuck like you gave me Money versus Charatan. Yeah, I started I think about that every time there's two hotels I think about. I think whenever I see him, I think, you know, if I, if I'm flying. Yeah, I fly out of Burbank when you go through the Kohanga Pass that trying to big league everybody, but I always look at that thing and I remember staying there and I had some big role.
I was I was I remember I came up, I even got it. They put me up there and then the test was like on the lot right next to it. This is before they had all the crazy. I think they just had the back draft right at that point. And and then there's that one when you go into the Lincoln Tunnel. Hmm. It was a Days Inn. I don't know what it's called. And I actually found that I have in my scrapbook, I have the key when I first came down in New York, I stayed there and went to that place, roommate finders.
To try and find a roommate, to try to find a place to live because I didn't know anybody in New York and I needed a place and I stayed there and I would take the path train in and then I would go to Times Square that Howard Johnsons that used to be then there was a payphone.
And I never fucking remember that they used to put the Delta flight attendants there. Yeah, well, this is just a restaurant, I guess there was a hotel that was hotel above, I think. Yeah, I just knew the restaurant. I mean, look behind it. But I would just call to try and just meet all of these. And this is when New York was just so. Still, like just really, like sketchy, you know, I mean, it was just really like.
Every person was like a character in fuckin really weird, really weird, like it's a different kind of weird now where it's like sort of Mayberry weird, you know, with all the glass towers and just the level of money.
I feel like you have to have.
I met I met a guy when I was when I was looking for roommates and trying to find an apartment in New York and wanting to be a comedian. I'll never forget. I'll never forget. This guy was like it was a broker, I think was a broker. And he was like, so what do you what do you do? And I said, I'm a comedian. And he goes, and my roommate's comedian is a really. And he goes, Yeah, raspiness.
And I went, oh, well. And I remember thinking, Bill, I hope one day I have a roommate who gets to say, hey, my roommate's a comedian, Bert Krischer. And it be true. I was like, I just want it to be true because he said, trust me. But I knew Russ. And I was like, Oh yeah, oh yeah. He's a comedian. And I was not like I mean, I'm not a comedian, really.
I was just hanging out at the clubs. I wasn't getting spots. But that's so crazy. Those little things when you're younger that, like, blow your mind.
I mean, I remember seeing back in ninety five and ninety five a one bedroom apartment in New York City with seven hundred bucks a month. And I just remember thinking how I couldn't make that money in fucking three months. Yeah. That's all the money I would make. Like how in the fuck does somebody take seven hundred dollars and go here every month and they can still eat. Yeah, got paid 70 bucks to live in Manhattan now, by the way, it'll be like that, it'll be like that in a fucking year.
Why don't people that everyone's leaving, everyone's leaving big cities to go to suburbs. I mean. I just talked to my lawyer about they'll be back. I think yes. But you're you're an everyone guy. Yeah, I probably met two people that, like everyone's leave, everyone's everyone, everyone.
I speak in hyperbole. My wife says it's never, never. The fact is, I feel like people don't feel how I feel when, like, two of my friends leave L.A. I am upset about it. So I want everyone to go. I want everyone to know that everyone's leaving. And then the answer is Joe. And it's fine. He's you know, he's going to he's going to be back and forth. I'm like, yeah, but and then Joey's leaving.
And she's like, I know. But I go Joey and Joe or to to my close friends like that.
Feels like everyone should know that it's sad. It is sad because I know that, you know, I'm assuming Joe is going to be flying back and forth doing the podcast. He's building a studio out there, I think. But it's an end of an era.
It is. I mean, it's like you go down to the store and you saw those guys. And I mean, that's that's a that's that's a crater. That that's that's definitely a shift.
There's there are there are that I can think of six dudes that are that were huge store guys that are now probably not going to be store guys because they're either moving or something went down with, you know, with the whatever fancy castle culture that you look at it. You go, I remember Bill. I remember going into his show right when I booked that that concept work show that we we're going to do the day my special dropped. I remember thinking this is insane.
Like, this is crazy. Bellbird, Sebastian, David Spade, Rogan, Sagara, like, I'm listing these guys going like this is the best comedy ever been. What could possibly happen. And then the coronaviruses and then taxes get up, everyone starts fucking leaving and you're like, oh, that's how that works. Oh shit. Yeah, I don't know, you know, but then what happens is these new guys slide in I mean, back in the day people were saying, think of think of the fucking names to be as great as those names are.
There was nights when it was like prior Jim Carrey, I mean, Eddie Griffin, like just the level of.
You know, people that were like. I mean, yeah, that's that's a hell of a place. It's it's amazing, I hope. I don't know, man, who knows what fucking happens. It's a good it's a good place to end the podcast. We did. We did OK. Yeah, it's I'm sorry dude. I'm going a real weird head space. Like, I like if you told me that I was going to miss my buddies, that that guy's funeral like that because it was a because there was no fucking way.
I would have driven back for that damn thing, it's just my stupid fucking coronavirus and all of this having kids now and shit, you got to. You know, you've got to make decisions differently, but I'm going to tell you this, dude, and I promise the memory of him, this, too, when this fucking thing is over, I'm going to put together a goddamn show out there for that guy that's going to make up for all of this shit.
So at least I was able to get the, you know, something to his funeral that just sucks. So I have a story to bum everybody out, but it is what it is.
But I'm back. I had a good show last night. OK, I got it. All right, everybody. Well, that ends another wonderful Bill Burt pod cast.
Dude, it's great to see you, man, even though we're not hanging out. But it's great that the shows are going good. You're affecting people in a positive way. And I am for unity with comedians. Yes.
Let's be together here. And there's enough room for everyone.
There's enough room for everybody. And try not to be some bored person's entertainment as you fucking rip the heart out of somebody else with some.
I don't know what what you're basing it on. All right, that's it. We'll talk to you next time.