This podcast is brought to you by like Seltzer. It is unquestionably good, I love, but I know you do. I really do. Bill, I my favorite thing is to get one of those tall glasses, fill it with ice and pour two of two flavors into a suicide.
Hey, what's up, everybody?
It's time for another wonderful episode of Bill Burton porn cast.
And we go with both your host quarantining porn teenagers and both of them dead shows because everybody else is back to work. So why shouldn't we be? Why shouldn't we? And I will say I will say because this will be glazed over. I am very happy with the last tour I did. It was a blast. However, Bill Burr, you texted me and you said, can you do Wednesday? I said, why? I can do once I'm in quarantine, I'm in a hotel room.
And you're like, because I'm at Chappelle's house and I lost my shit.
I want to know I wasn't at his house. I was doing the Chappelle gig. I like your version better. Yeah, that I was at a hotel. I want to know.
I want to know, Bill. I want to know everything beginning to end. This is the one clip that will go viral from our video because this is the most elusive ticket to get in show in comedy right now. This is the most elusive gig. It has the biggest names in comedy. So who's who? Jon Stewart, David Letterman, Sarah Silverman, Louis C.K., Tony Woods. Donald Rawlings, Dave Chappelle. Right. And well, who?
Brian Regan was there the day I got there. Kevin Hart was there one day. All right, so start it from the very beginning, you get one woman, the first time she reached out and said, hey, are you interested in coming out? His people reached out a couple of weeks ago, maybe beginning of August, see if I wanted to do it. And then I said, yeah. And then I didn't hear. From them, and then I did and I was like, I haven't done my act in like six months or whatever, five months, I'm not going to go out there.
Ice cold. You know, and bomb in front of Dave, I'm not going to do that to myself, so I did those parking lot shows.
I was wondering, you know, Bill, I was wondering when you said you went out because I know you're out of everyone I know in comedy, you're probably one of the more strict with the social distancing, the quarantining and the masks. When you went out and did shows, I was like, he's getting ready for something. Like, there's no he's not just doing it.
You know, what's funny is as far as that can see, I ran into this guy when I was in Yellow Springs. And, you know. We just long story when it happened, but we were talking about where Mass. And when I was just saying, listen, I just want to get a guy I don't care who gets elected, just I just want somebody who believes in science and he goes, well, you know, I can show you just as many science typic reports.
That's say wearing a mask is blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and I wish I had the presence of mind to be like all. Well, let's play out two scenarios. Let's play out the scenario where I'm wrong. Then we're just a bunch of idiots wearing masks. Let's play out the scenario where you're wrong. So the gamble that you are taking, because he may be right, but it's just like it seems every time someone goes to fucking party a bunch of people, nobody's wearing masks.
Then all of a sudden there's a little outbreak, so I just like and so fucking like just. I'm past oppression, I'm just mind blown like that, people would turn a virus into a light to this level because there's always been conspiracy theories. AIDS came from the government. The common cold is curable. Know they got the cure for baldness. You know, they just want to fuck up, you know, and I believe in some of those.
But like and I also believe in the I believing that they can cure baldness without a fucking doubt. They can do it without a fucking doubt. They can do it. But if they do it, then people are fucked. So here's the thing. If you want people if you want them to cure baldness, every guy going bald to just shave their fucking head, then they're like, oh, fuck, they're dealing with it. We've got to give them a solution.
And I'm telling you, do we be coming in like the fucking BJ's next year? Big poof up hair beards with the medallions. Oh, so I just cannot fucking believe.
No, I can't say I can't believe because I've done a bunch of ignorant shit too, but I've just really discovered that people's world and people's experience is is what's going on in the entire solar system. That's how people look at life. And it's really hard, myself included, to get outside your own plant, especially when you had shaped like one like mine, to get outside of that and be like, OK, maybe there's something bigger going on and maybe I don't know.
But I am definitely optimistic. I loved. That article in The New York Times that Jerry Seinfeld wrote, it's literally what is missing on both sides of the aisle politically. That was leadership. That was positivity. I was sitting up straight or by the time I got done reading it, like, you know, basically, fuck this, we've gone through tougher shit like this. We're going to defeat this. I have not heard that anywhere. CNN, Fox, nowhere.
It's just the, uh. And then they're just blaming each other. That's going to be a great meme, by the way.
They fucking. Whatever the fuck you call them, a gift, a gift, that's what is fucking missing, I need leadership, I need shit talk and I need people to get outside their own heads. As I just said to the guy after he said what he said, I said I might agree to disagree is a fucking beautiful day. I was doing my favorite one of my favorite things to do on the road, which is laundry. I fucking hate coming home with dirty underwear and socks and cigars, smelling shirts, my favorite fucking thing do I'll go down there, sweatpants, you know, total nature boy, just sweatpants, no socks.
Everything's fucking get washed. And I had one of those little nubs, the Connecticut rap. I smoked one of those. I went off the rails as my smoke went on.
Hold on. Where are you? Are you. Let's get back to the Chappelle story, because I could talk like I did laundry. I did laundry. I mean, I tell my laundry story real quick. Yeah, please. I went in there. So Yellowstone, Yellowstone, Yellow Springs thinking Yogi Bear, Yellow Spring, you know, it's like I get super liberal. It's sort of like what Austin thinks they are, you know, all these all these little fucking white towns that think that they're like, perfect, you know, it's like, no, it's just you dial down racism, homophobia and all that type of shit nationalism.
But it all it all flares up depending on the thing. It was funny, too, because I walk through this place the first night and I could tell how liberal was. I saw the tie guys and then how aggressively they were going out of their way to say hello to my wife.
I go with you. I brought the whole family. Oh, for real. Yeah. Yeah. So. But they were all great, they were all fun, but it was just funny, you know. It's like, hi, hi, hello. A person of color was I was bothering you, is he bothering you? Is he following you around the store? Yeah, but anyway, so I went and told him that I'm going to stop you there.
I'm going, OK, I'm going to really I've been so fascinated by this because what he's doing is so amazing. So I'm going to I'm going to keep I'm going to ask you questions. You don't answer anything, but I'm asking you questions. I know everyone's wondering. So you and Kevin Hart, I have to keep a lot of it a surprise. So I know.
I know. Oh, no, no, no. Don't worry. You and Kevin Hart flew private together. Is that what happened? No, dammit. I figured Kevin Hart was like, hey, Bill, I'm going out there, you want to hop on? And you were like, Yeah, because I can't see you and the baby.
Kevin Hart has worked too hard to build his brand to be seen sharing a private jet with Bill Burr. I mean, come on, how long you been in this business? There's no way you guys flew, coach.
All right, listen, do you want to hear the funny fucking story you want to get into the fucking logistical problem? That's all I need to know. That's all I needed to know. So I'm in this laundromat and of course, any level of technology from a fucking laptop. To a new operating system, to literally getting quarters at a laundromat, it was working and then all of a sudden it wasn't. And I'm looking around typical business today, it's just being run by the people who are fucking using the service.
So I saw this older couple about my age, and then I saw this younger woman like twenty twenty one. So the older couples here, she's over here. So I. All right. So I went over there and I said, excuse me, do you know if somebody works here? And she just I swear to God, she's like. And just walked away. I swear to God. Walked away and then walked over to the two older couple.
And then the mother goes, what did that man just say to you? Then I realized this is their kid. She goes, he just asked me if I work here. Right? And I got no, I didn't. I said, does somebody work here? And they gave me this fucking little asshole. It's like you're twenty one years old, like, why are you acting like a fucking queen of England? Like in this liberal last time?
Like I'm so fucking liberal, like but then it's like, how dare you suggest that I would stoop to working at a laundromat? Yeah, 20 years of it, dude. I swear to God, she's like. And just it didn't say a fucking word, it was so fucking rude, it was so fucking rude, like I hope I'm full of shit, I didn't almost say some because she's with the kids. And all of a sudden I'm this creepy guy at the Laundromat who said something that not only upset a woman, a white woman, but all I need is one tweet and then I'm done.
I keep forgetting.
I keep forgetting. So I talk to you so much that I start getting it in my body and my bonnet about white women because all the friends are older, privileged white women. And I end up saying stuff like that as if I'm married to a black woman. And we'll be like, What the fuck are you talking about?
Well, I'm not saying that because it Niya. No, I know, but you all know what I'm saying. I'm not privileged. My bet is that white women walked away from their whiteness and stuck and swung their legs over the defense of oppression and stuck themselves at the front of the fucking line and left us holding the dirty dishwater.
So wait a minute, we will Batman and you will rob and get the fuck back in the fucking oppressive appeal to take you talking to your fucking manipulative cunt. That's my shit. That's that's that's what. That's my beef. It's all of them could go on, I know you're pissing me off right now, white women calling other white women Karen, they took the fucking word. And now when you call it now you're white. When you call another white woman, Karen, it's your patting yourself on the back that you're not.
It's like it's like, oh, you guys all have that. Yeah. We're starting to be like every white guy has a little plantation owner in them. It's just part of your life experience, part of the way you're fucking moving around. You show up, you think it's for you and you assume someone who looks like you was running it. Yeah, everybody's got a little fucking dash of that in them all the way to a Klan meeting. And it's just and that is the truth.
So I know I called a white woman, Karen, in Cape Cod, and I've never felt it, never I've never said a sentence that hurt someone quicker, faster, more poignantly, I was riding a bike down the sidewalk. And apparently you're supposed to be on the road, but there's no fucking shoulder on the road. So I'm on the sidewalk and they're walking. And this woman, as opposed to simply just get out of the way, throws a temper tantrum in the middle of the sidewalk like, oh, oh, my God.
And I just try. I go suck it, Karen. It's what what the fuck?
And I loved it, but but that's not our word. That's what I hate about Wolke and Karen. That's black people's word.
Yeah. I'm like, whoa, whoa. Was what something a black person said when they observed white behavior. That was just, I guess, a little bit better than the usual shit.
And then you had all these liberal fucking white dudes start going, I'm on the Internet, Wolf, signaling and talking, and now I'm watching white women.
Now they're taking Carentan, calling other women cowards. It's like this isn't like you're not the judge on this one, but it's a way of. It's a way of wrangling control of this new experience of wait a minute, I'm being criticized. Well, it drives me up the fucking wall, because now. It's already happened, so I know inevitably I don't have to listen to fucking Spike Lee bitch about it, who drives me up the wall, drives me up the wall with his concern about the images of black people in movies.
It's like, dude, if you ever looked at your depiction of an Italian American males in your fucking movie, why don't you fix that? Thank God you don't run a fucking studio. A Dr. Marine, I don't want to leave, we played by a Puerto Rican, it means doing the exact same thing, but being a Puerto Rican, it's just like no, and that has been my shit. My shit, I used to be conservative then I was super liberal, now I'm in the middle.
I'm like, no, we're all the fucking same. And it's just all depends on who's driving the bus, who's going to get it. Yeah. All right. And when it comes to power, power, nice people are not attracted to power. Nice people don't want to tell people what to do. Psychos like telling people what to do. They they are attracted to that light and they go to that shit. So what ends up happening is psycho nice people work for psychos is what happens.
And then psychos stay in power by killing loud, nice people. That's essentially it across the fucking globe. I figured it out. With no reading whatsoever, you get the invite to go to Chappelle's. Yes, and you say amen, do some warm up spots, you run up by near you, like I want to bring the family. She's like, I think it'd be great if we were looking to get out of here. We were trying to just.
They needed as much as L.A. is like this giant suburb, it's still pretty much paved over and it's not a lot of space and you just kind of needed to see some trees and some grass. So we looked at our options for renting things and everybody's price gouging, which, of course, none of them get shit. The fucking hand sanitizer guy gets fucking tarred and feathered at the beginning of this fucking assholes with a piece of shit to bedroom near an ocean.
Can charge like half a price for a Prius out here near Santa Barbara, it's fucking ridiculous. So that didn't work out. So. You know, yeah, they said you want to come out and do the weekend, the Friday, Saturday, he said great and it was his birthday weekend. So we stayed a little bit longer. So, you know. Then my wife got involved. So then once they get involved, it becomes an excursion.
Yeah. So now we're coming in like we came in on a Wednesday, first trip of the baby.
The baby's, what, like four 1/2 months?
Yeah, the baby's great. It's when they get a little bit older, they're aware of their eardrums, pop, and then then it becomes a nightmare. Yeah, but. So floods, drought, private, and then. You so want to know if I flew commercial or private, you just did. I felt like you thought I committed a murder and you just went like that. So you killed her. And then what did you do with afterwards?
Did you watch TV? And you wait for me to just be like, so I killed her.
Do all you see are these pictures of Chappelle greeting everyone out of a private jet with, like fucking SUVs everywhere? And he's wearing like knee high. Knee high, like, let me ask you this.
Part two, is the whole world obsessed with this gig? Are you obsessed? I'm obsessed with the gig, I think. I think it's the coolest thing. I think it's the coolest fucking thing in the world, what he's doing and what he's creating, because it's like Dave Chappelle's Block party was such a great out of the box fucking show. That was like I watch I watch that probably 20 times. But he's bringing out artists of all kinds, like photographers, chefs, artists.
Darnell's living out there and I'm following Donelle. And it just seems Erica, Erica Badu, Common, Tiffany Haddish, it seems so fucking cool.
And a melting pot of like I have to tell you, man, it was the most fun. It felt like a mini comedy festival and. I had so many, like, huge laughs, like I've known Kev since he first came on up from Philly. He was like 20 years old. Keith Robinson brought him up or something and. I just he's just one of those guys, man, like he's one of the most fun people I've ever been around.
He's so fucking silly. And we had a couple of like just fucking great, great, like laughing so hard, people are looking at us type of shit. We had a couple of those and it really just. And then another thing was everybody's phone is locked and I got to enjoy what stand up used to be like. I can go up here and empty my brain. I can hear all those other comics laughing. And use that to push me further.
And I can just I can be free up here and it's something. That, you know. I mean, I'm trying to talk carefully on this about this, but there are certain people now that I'm watching.
That helped feed that monster of cancer culture and now it's out of control and now they're complaining like they weren't one of the doc, Dr. Frankenstein, screwing in a couple of those bolts and.
And I can't tell you, without a doubt. That they are this loud, unbelievably small minority and this thing is going to fucking nosedive the way disco did, the way hair metal did, we always say roller blades, all of that it's going to fucking nosedive and then everybody's going to walk away, you know, like how everybody acted like they weren't doing coke at studio fifty four. You know, that place was fucking packed every weekend, you know, every guys acting like they didn't put on eyeliner and tears up their hair.
They'll be in a band and the 80s they're going to walk away like. You know, it's just funny to me. Because it's literally gotten to now I'm seeing female comics talking about cancer culture, and I'm trying to think it's just like I think you're good because I'm trying to think like. Michele Wolf was the one who really got in trouble, but she did that and she did the political thing at the fucking White House dinner. So I kind of feel like now the rite of passage is if you do that gig, you're getting death threats and I'm going to do this and all of that shit, which is I don't mean the balls it takes to do that gig.
Like, I got no respect for her for taking that kid, because that is that is a thankless fucking gig. It's either you kill and get death threats or you bomb and get death threats. Yeah.
So anyway, so you got to give me a you guys get there, you go into the hotel and then not until we get we go then you get like you got tested right before you left. And when you get tested again. And I just read an article, I just read an article today, they had a whole system, they had spending like 100 grand on covid tests. Yeah, those things aren't cheap, and that's going to be the turnaround, by the way, of this covid shit covid tests.
So that expensive right now, the way flat screen TVs used to be, and now you get a flat screen TV for like seven hundred bucks. And when the price of testing comes down, when these greedy cuts are done and they realize how much money that they can make off off of Joe Six Pack, as they always say, the price of it's going to come down. And I think like if they don't come up with some sort of, like, cocktail to fend this thing off, I think eventually you're going to go to house parties and people will have covid test.
They're like they way they have like a selfie fucking buth, you know, and then everybody can go in and just be people. They'll be able to do it at places of business. You'll be able to do it outside of a comedy club. And it's just like, you know, as much as the bankers are evil, they want you to continue living so they can continue to oppress you. So they need you to go back to work at some point.
So the problem is right now is we have a staggering lack of leadership. And like what Seinfeld wrote, took me back to what? Politicians used to do they give you that Newt Rockne speech, whether they believed it or not, it made you feel better. We're going to fucking beat this thing. This isn't the new normal. This is this is something that you're going to tell your grandkids about that you fucking lived through. But we're going to beat this fucking thing because that's what we don't.
That's what we do. We've survived everything up until this point, this fucking thing, the level that it's killing people is really at least around where I'm at, has really tapered off. And we're going to beat it. We just are. But the thing about it is, is you need people. And powerful positions telling you that it's just like your coach in a fucking team, you know, and the disappointment with both of these stupid ass parties started, she did this and they're acting like a bunch of fucking pussies.
Yeah, you know, like I was I never saw those fireside chats. That Winston Churchill speak, we'll I and if I. We shall never surrender. I also said on on. On. The beginning of Iron Maiden album, forget what it was, it was right before Aces, High Power Slave, and I don't even know that it was pertaining to the Germans in the blitzkrieg. And I to do that and the fucking hair on my arm would stand up.
I had no idea who it was because it wasn't like there was no Internet. Eighty five. Unless you were Al Gore. There was no Internet. Right. There was no Internet. So I couldn't look up what that speech was. Who said it? It wasn't until I mean, like 15 years later, I just happened to be watching something on PBS and I did this thing on Winston Churchill and I and I heard that. And I was like, oh, my God, that's fucking Iron Maiden.
Yeah. There's another great English show, too, where they took that. I forget the name of it, but they took that beginning.
We want information, information, who are you that knew number two, who is number one, you are number six. You remember that?
No, I'm not. No, I am a free man.
That crazy Kakul that was a in English like really trippy, like sort of like Westworld meets like a fucking James Bond in the future. I didn't I'm just building it off the trailer. But like, nowadays you can find all of that shit. So I'm totally off track. I'm saying I need some Winston Churchill's speeches. Everybody does. We'll need to hear people saying we're going to beat this fucking thing.
We need to save a lot of people saying the opposite of saying it's over. Ellas over. I just saw Hollywoods dead. Everyone move. Get the fuck out. And it's and you're right, I literally was like I literally said to someone the other day, I just so you know, I can claim being a Lakers fan when everyone flees Hollywood because I'm staying. I'm getting a fucking Lakers jersey. I'm watching Chacao nine. I'm going to be a Dodgers fan.
I'm gonna fucking I'm leaning in Ebbe to L.A.. I know.
And this is the thing. It's like where where you're going to go. Where are you going to go? I mean, if you're leaving the country, OK, you're going to go up to Canada where, you know, they have a lot less cases. They also have a lot less people, you know, and they also, I think, took it a little more. I don't think they I don't know what they're Hatfield and McCoy. There's always that in every country.
I don't know what what where the burners turned up to out here. It feels like it's on eight always. And so we're not we're not helping each other.
But let's get back to the special. What day did you get there? Thursday.
I forget it was a blur, I was there all week, well, Wednesday I got there because I went down, I got tested, went back to the hotel. The smartest thing I did is I went down there because Regan was Reagan's last night. And I'm just like a Reagan fan.
And I had to watch his set and he was just like, I can't tell you, do I got to be honest with you, Brian is as great as his act is.
He's an even better person. He's just the nicest, nicest guy. He literally is like how how you should be. I feel I can't say enough nice things about that guy.
So Brian Regan, Brian Regan said, I have to really my favorite Brian Regan stories. I got a call from Pictorially. I'm in Des Moines and he says, Hey, what are you doing to your club? I said, I am. He goes, All right, get everyone out, except for the staff. I'll be there. I'm going to be there in like thirty minutes. OK, so I tell the fans, I was like, everyone needs to leave.
We're going to close this down. I tell Leesha, keep it open. Brian Regan's tour bus comes out, he comes out and the nicest fucking guy goes, Hi, I'm Brian. And I'm like, I go, Hey, I know who you are. But listen, I'm going to have to geek out for about three minutes and then we can hang out like regular people. And he's like, all right, go ahead. I said, I'm driving over Laurel Canyon and my daughters are listening to Brian.
You're Brian Regan came up on XM and my daughters are laughing in the back. And my wife goes, oh, my God, this is the first time they've heard comedy like they've never heard comedy. And they're howling at Brian's joke. And so I and my wife turns around, she goes. Do you like this and they're like, oh, this is great, what is this? And my wife goes, this is what Daddy does. And they shifted and they go, You do this?
I was like, not that good. That's not good. My shirts off. It's a lot about my dick. It's not that good. And by the way, I talk shit about you guys, but I said that was like the greatest moment of Brian's like, hey, thank you. And then he just looks at me. Those guys are drinking like, oh, forget Brian is the greatest man. He really is the greatest. So you go to see Brian and Brian's been there for a few days.
And I go down there and then then it's just it's like a free for all. And they just ended up put me on and like, I can't I'm going to forget. All the names of the people who there was like rappers would go on poets, it was crazy musicians. It just was was I mean, I never heard of this guy. This guy. I'm I hope I say his name. Toby in Wig Way, I think is how you say it.
And he went up there and the fucking deejay, like, played like this epic cinematic shit that he fucking rapped over. And I have never been so happy that I was not going on like I had already gone on. I mean. Yeah, well, in the middle of a fucking cornfield and fucking slaid, so then, of course, I got to go look this guy up and I look them up and then he's got this amazing video, which we should really post.
I want to see that his wife is in there like this total power couple. Man, they're both like, ridiculously talented, made this incredible video. It's not like I know what's going on in the hip hop world there, but I'm a little little too in a weird way. It's like an. I think it was N.W., I remember this, I remember how to spell. It's like Angela me in a big way and w i g w e yeah.
Is him. That is him and that's his wife. They're both like a level performers like that. They're going to be they're going to be they're going to be a force. And I got to see them in front of like, well, I got to see him, she didn't go on at least the night that I was there, but it was they were incredible and super nice people. And it was just everybody just sort of quarantined together and it just became like.
Yeah, like like a summer camp, so you guys go in the set, the setting for me, you're in a field and there's a stage, it looks like kind of like a gazebo with the sea on it, correct? Yeah. And then tables are socially distant, 10 feet apart, and there's about going to disappear out into the field. There was so much funny things like one night I was like just doing this crazy shit because I could because the phones are all up and I got nothing.
And I said. I go, not only did that joke get crickets, I can literally hear crickets because it was so fucking loud was like the first. I've used that analogy forever and literally I told a joke, got nothing. And all I heard was the crickets in the field. So I felt like that was something like full circle journey. All these had a reference, I had a reference like that, but I didn't get crickets, I got cicadas.
What I want is cicadas, some sort of bug. If you had to live in the south. Yeah, it's a bug. It's like it is a very aggressive cricket. OK, so so wait. So so it disappears in the distance and there's what, like one hundred and fifty people there. No, there was I don't quite know how many were there, and I'm not going to speculate on a number because I don't want to get anybody in trouble, but they were really there was a lot of rules, really, like governors, a governor or somebody was called to work this out.
And do they have it down to a science like there was no. It was it was like, you know, like President Trump could have came in and would have been felt secure, like that's the level like a president could literally come in that. And and as far as laughs, you could definitely hear laughs, obviously, yeah, but you know, what was great was because I did people in cars.
I went from what I used to hear, the Comedy Store sold out to dealing with cars. And then I went back up to where, you know, it's still never going to sell. But it was it was awesome. Yeah. If you if you combine how much you could hear the laughs with the experience, it was actually better than a theater gig. It was just better because it was so special. And the people that you got to hang out with, all of these friends that I haven't seen, you know, some of them in over a year because we've been sitting inside for so long and and then just the freedom of it.
And that day was like hosting. And he was just so I can't say how gracious him and his wife were and how complimentary he was about what everybody was doing and. You know, he's a really special, special dude beyond, you know, I mean, I've hung out with Dave and like, you know, comedy clubs and stuff, and I never got to hang with him. Like, dad, just hang out and he's telling me about, you know.
How we ended up there, you know, is motorcycles and just like just talking about life, raising kids and he's amazing with kids, by the way. He's fucking amazing with kids. That was awesome. Don Alice, too. Don Alzheimer's I O'Donnell is. Yeah, Don ls a fuckin love tunnel. I think there's a part of him that had such a shitty childhood where he's like, that's just not happening on my watch. Like I'm not the dad leaving a kid on a stoop with a lot of comics like that.
Bobby Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, we had a rough go on the dad's side.
So he was just like like like Bobby's done more with his son. In these first few years, and I think probably happened, I know it did happen in the stories he told me that happened to him his entire probably the first 30 years of his life. Throw a couple of relationships in there. And it's so fucking amazing.
Dad didn't know his dad. Amazing dad.
Like I would say, you know, one way that Nikki Sixx, Nikki Sixx, like I follow him on Instagram, huge fan of him and his band and everything. I now follow him on Instagram because I'm enjoy watching him be a father yet again, like he's had kids the whole way through. And he and he said something really. Amazing one time about how because he didn't have a dad, I think I think you just go one way or the other.
You either repeat or you just go the other way. And fortunately, he did.
And like, finally, people like that on Instagram is good because, you know, the day to day grind, it's good to see somebody reminding you of, like, it's going to go buy quick, make sure, don't I just like Tee, right? I only had like like nine minutes to play tee ball before this, and I did it to make sure I don't wanna be that guy crying. I saw LTA crying at his daughter's wedding because he was playing football and.
Messing around or whatever the hell he was doing, where he cried is like, I don't want to cry like that at one of my kid's wedding. OK, a the best thing about Bud Light Seltzer is the brand new flavors are here. They have great three great new flavors available in the new remix VPE to try this September Grapefruit, which who doesn't love a grapefruit drink in the morning before you get on a plane, Bill?
I mean, that's just some old school Vegas stuff. That's a Bloody Mary right there for the guy who's going to have a drink and go hit the gym.
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I'll tell you, man, I have I have regrets, and one of my regrets is working as hard as I did during my kids youth because I didn't have an option.
You know, you don't have a roof over their head, dude. You should never feel guilty about that.
It's funny, but I'm sitting here in this hotel room. I'm I'm quarantined. And I feel guilty that I took this job because I could just be with my kids and not that I you know, it's like I could just be with my kids. And then out of nowhere, my daughter just FaceTime me, my oldest. She goes, hey, hey, hit anything bad happen to the Bible? My God, what? And she goes, Something bad happened to the Bible.
And I go, Yeah, they kill Jesus. She goes, OK. She goes, Hey, New Testament and Old Testament, totally different books right now. What are you doing? Because I'm taking a religion test. I know you're into that shit. So it's going to run it by and I, I just realized I was like, oh, I got a cool relationship with this kid. Like here I am feeling horrible. And then we're pissing, laughing, talking about the Bible because she knows nothing about religion.
And we went through her whole test together laughing hysterically. And then I was like got out, went for a jog. I was like, all right, man, you get you get obsessed sometimes going. I didn't do enough.
I didn't do enough, you know, but you're always going to feel I mean, that you didn't do enough. But I will tell you, though, that I got a lot out of watching how hard my parents worked. Like without them saying anything, just watching how hard they worked. In it, because they didn't make a big deal out of it, like to me that was working. So now like when people say, man, you're one of the hardest workers ever, I laugh.
I'm like, yeah, I don't think that I'm I'm doing what I saw my parents do up every day and work.
I'm an asshole about it. I go out to fucking work. I go on tour. That's a form of parenting. Yeah. So, so, so that's Wednesday night. Now, I'm curious because because what's the what's the like, you know, like the preshow ritual is there like a green room. Is there a show like everyone's having cocktails joke.
They're like Amy, I'm talking about the locker room here but I want to know but I want to know how are we going to talk about the shit you've seen if you want to talk after like that's a sacred place. No, I'm not saying like, what did you guys talk about? I'm saying, like, is there like is like, ah, is there a green room set up? Are you guys hanging out before the show? Listen, I don't know if Dave's on social media, but if he is, you can hit him up.
I just don't there's a lot of top secret shit to it, so I don't want to, you know, I can and I suit say who was on it because people already tweeted about that.
I can say, you know, you've seen the pictures that you've seen. I can describe that shit, but I don't want to talk about any of that other stuff too too much. But I could just tell you, it was fucking amazing.
And we all hung out together and batteries totally recharged. Did you drink it as I already love Dave to hear now, it's like I would, you know, I fucking got to be in a foxhole with that guy.
Did you drink? No, really. Dude, I'm just I can't dude, I'm just I can't I'm going to do that and then I'm going to wake up and I got I got two little ones. Yeah, I thought that's when you have maybe a little nip, just a little. I know I went out the first night and I did the hang and I paid for it. So like, I did the hang Wednesday night. I did the hang Saturday night.
But other than that, I was just like, you know, there's nothing better than eight hours sleep at this point in my life. It's just nothing better than. Yeah, crawling into that bed, the big smile on my face, knowing that when they come and wake me up tomorrow, I'm going to have the energy. You know, to go after it, you know, we found like I did mostly dad ship, it was a great little playground downtown both days towards the end, because the first few days it was like nobody there.
But the last two days I was there. There was other little kids there with masks on and stuff. And Lola, the little boy chasing each other all around, I mean, the dad were both laughing. This guy was in the Air Force, the Air Force base nearby. And we were just laughing and going like our kids are doing both of us a favor right now. And sure enough, I got home with my daughter and she was just crawled into bed with me and she's just like, damn, I go to sleep for a second and just like and was just out and I was just like, oh, man, that's the best.
And there was there was a dairy farm out there called the Jersey Farm. I guess Jersey's a kind of a cow to this ice cream. It was like heroin, it was that fresh. It was it was unbelievable. We went there and you can feed the goats and see the cows and all of that. And the kids can sit on tractors to get a miniature golf and a slide lot of cash. It was closed, obviously, for obvious reasons.
But like miniature golf is open. People have masks on and they kept the threesomes foursomes apart off the little course there. But we just did. I just did. I did a bunch of. Dad stuff, to be honest with you, and I kind of stayed away from a lot of the extracurricular stuff because I've done that. I've done that for 20. I did that when I should have already raised a kid. So I'm not going to feel that way.
Yeah, I'm not going to keep doing that. And Art. Yeah. And there's also, like, I just I physically I can't. I mean, I know I know I can get back in shape real quick, but I also know that I'm going to go right back to the way I drank and I really had this whole fucking epiphany. On on my drinking and all that type of stuff where I just think that there's a whole, you know, this whole fucking thing where it's just like you're either this or you're that either conservative or you liberal, you're either fucking an alcohol is addictive or you're not.
There's like this just you know, there's people a little more going over the double line on the double line all the way over, you know, this people that could literally do heroin once again.
And that was amazing. But I know it's bad for me. I'm not going back. And then there's other people. They do it and they lose 30 years of their life or they lose their life. And then there's everybody in between. And then I was hooked for three years and then I dabbled. I've been away, you know, and it's like all of that type of stuff. And I think that. That medicine. Is marketed the same way albums, music is where it's like your bluegrass, your rap, your rock, your this or that, we need to label it so we can we can sell it.
So I think my definition of addiction is if I'm doing something that I don't want to do, but I do it anyways and then I hate myself afterwards. There's a problem that needs to be addressed as something, and that's everything from drinking to eating a sleeve of Oreo cookies before I go to bed. I don't want to do that. And when I get three quarters of the way through, I want to stop, but I have that thing, I got to finish the job.
I go I go Rambo on it.
So did Nia get to party at all or did she was she straight up army duty the whole time or. I mean, we were doing a lot of like. Going around town, looking at the antiques, I mean, I just had the best time and having the best time doing that to you. I don't need to be like Reg. When we hung out, we had a good time. But there's always been smarter than me. When it came to that stuff like me, it can have a really nice drink, maybe two.
She's good, like she really. Is an adult and like, you know, like I'm like when I back in the day when we would go out and party, like at my sleep was the one getting tugged like, come on, let's go. You're having another one. And she's super cool, too, because she never broke my balls about my drink until towards the end. And even then it was like, what's going on with you? Does Nia does Nia have.
You know, I think both me and you look at Chapell, like up here, and he's got an interesting because she was in the business, but like on the other side of the table and she's also your wife. She look at Chappelle and go have the reverence that we have or someone like Kevin Hart who like that she she was just a friend.
Now she worked on Chappelle's Show. Oh, for real. Yeah, she worked on it the first season. Then she went over to a tough crowd. I got on Chappelle's second season and then I got on tough crowd and that's how I met. She was a talent coordinator on Tough Crowd. I forget what she did on Chappelle's Show, but she was part of that, like she was that very first sketch. All that she was. Oh, wow.
So she's she's kind of not not past it, but there is no sparkle to celebrity to her at all.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's not true. That's not true. Oh really. Yeah. It's just like it's like anybody like you know, for me, musicians, athletes that were the shit when I was a kid, you know, athletes now I just think because there's such an age gap. You know what I mean, if they look younger than Tom Brady, I mean, it's like there's like a major.
Generation gap there as far as like how they grew up and how I grew up, and it's just like, you know, I'm thrilled that they are into my stuff, but like, I'm also so busy with the kids and stuff, you know, and Dame's got really difficult, you know, especially like in hockey with when when all all the Finnish and Russians and all these guys came in like they have like they have like big brain names, man, like ikebana.
You got to be watching every night. You got to keep hearing those names being said.
That's why I'm having a hard time with the NBA playoffs, because I think, you know, I'm sure you've given an analogy this way, but like your heroes, when you're a kid like Bird, Jordan Berenstein, Larry Mike.
Magic, yeah, Darel, there were easy names and then what happened is, is names fall out of favor and now they got all like these super cool. I remember like the first time I was just like, well, names the chairman with Tayshaun Prince came in. I'm like Tatian, that is a fucking great Tayshaun Prince is a fuck you to sound like he just fucking hit a three, right? Yeah. And then then somewhere along the line, it got to the point where Key and Peele did that hilarious sketch on the names.
The thing is, is they could have done the white version of that about hockey. How, like, you know, the names just became like twenty six letters, it seemed like four consonants, hard sounded consonants like C.K. and L vowels, and it was like you are right, which which which letter sound am I going to pick out here?
So I was actually, you know, what I'm actually thinking of doing.
Because I hate that I don't know the names, because this is how old I am, these kids today are doing amazing things basketball, hockey, football, baseball. So I want to I think I might play fantasy football this year if I have the time. And I just would do it strictly how, you know, back in the day, I used to collect football cards and watch the games and I knew everybody. And then when I came back to try and collect football cards to get reconnected the way that I was.
Collecting cards had become this this awful adult thing that you did to make money and and then everybody's an adult, so they had enough money. To just go to Tops and order the whole year's worth of cards, so then tops and all these ones upper deck, they had to like deliberately make cards hard to get, like they just didn't make as many of certain ones so that they would actually have value because everybody saw like Billy Crystal's generation with the Mickey Mantle rookie card that they got for five cents of something as all of a sudden worth tens of thousands of dollars.
I remember those are comic Mike Dunovant. In Boston, there is a down in Boston, and he used to do a bit for his generation, remember that? And it was a thing you would take those baseball cards and you put them in the spokes of your bike to make that flapping sound is considered like a cool thing. And they literally probably put a million dollars worth of baseball cards if they were mint condition where they were when they first got them.
Into that, into their fucking bike wheels and then somewhere in the 70s, everybody, those cars started going up. The 70s and 80s is when it started to just become like there was like. Like creepy older people, like myself buying them. I remember buying going to a baseball card shops in the 80s and I remember my buddy Sam Satins dad had a little shit collection.
That's a great name. Samsun, what was his dad's name?
Howard said that's another that's an old time executive, Howard said, and gets a company car every year.
Howard Satine, Howard Senate and smelled good.
He smelled good, Howard, like bitches.
Simpson was a new Lincoln Continental every year and he had some benches.
Yeah, it's. But he had a legit baseball card collection. And I what if I'm not mistaken, he had a baseball signed by Babe Ruth. I can't be right, that can't be right. People want to right people who want to sign back then, I mean that now that I think about that, he probably would have sold that and lived in a mansion like I'm thinking. I remember it was in a chest in the air. You'd walk in their house and the closet right ahead.
There was a chest and baseball cards were chest, but. So that's that's really amazing, and so would you do something like what Chappelle's doing, says something like that up in and around L.A., if you could. No, it I mean, you could do something, but it would it would it would be different. It worked. The magic of it is where it is. Yeah, it's the whole that's the whole experience. And I got to tell you something I would absolutely love.
To take a couple of flight lessons out there in a helicopter and it just like. I mean, I know that they have to deal with severe weather out there sometimes, so obviously I would fly on a nice day. But just like. All the places where if you had a problem that you could set it down out there was ridiculous because out here it's you picking a road and you got to deal with there's always going to be some telephone wire, somebody something coming across which, you know, for the most part, the blades would cut it.
But you hope. But like just out there, there was just fields and just all of these places, and then it was also incredibly beautiful, but I would also think that it would be very easy to get lost out there where L.A. is an easy city to flyover even before if you've been remotely paying attention, even if you've just never flown before, you know where downtown L.A. is. You got the Hollywood sign, the observatory. You got the ocean.
You know, you got the Hollywood Bowl, there's all of these major landmarks, and I would just think that, you know, if your GPS system was busted out there, that would be like you could get lost easily if you were a newbie and didn't know where you were. Yeah, but. With the helicopter, you could just set it down, knock on a farmhouse and ask for directions. Yeah, I guess so.
That's that's awesome. Would you go back out and do it? Do more shows out there is it was just cool on time experience.
I absolutely would, but now I know where to eat, so and then, like I would know because, dude, I went out there and I just had all this pent up just being locked up. And dude, I ate like a seventh grader when I was out there. Really. And at night, Dave fed you like King. So it was like, you know, I. Yeah, I was I was going to the local deli, getting a roast beef sandwich with chips and a root beer.
I mean, this is like some shit that I would do after summer school or if I had to stay after school or summer summertime, I was eating like that. And but the gym, there wasn't there was a club, a gym there. Somebody I know is going there, if he doesn't get sick, then I'm going to go, if I get asked again, I will go and what I'll do is just do. The treadmill. I should have asked Michelle what she'd been doing because she's been there since March, and she looked she looked great.
She runs like 13 miles a day. And I saw her jogging one day. So I was like, that's what she's doing.
Yeah, she's she's a beast man like she is. First of all, I mean, first of all, she's absolutely fucking hilarious. Second, it doesn't it doesn't fuck her up like some people when they're when they're funny and they're young like that. And they're and they're and they just become broken and they're hard to be difficult to be around or they don't have like a. I'll say that and this is coming from my perspective, and I remember I didn't like I didn't really get access to until like five years ago, but like sometimes you meet people like that when you when they're way more successful than you at a very young age.
And they're very they just kind of write you off. It's really a sad I've seen it so much. And that's where I get empathy for like me and all my friends that didn't pop young is they write you off and you see that happen. And then when you get successful, they stop writing you off and they become nice to you again. And you're like, that's all. That's who that person is. And then you'll see him do it to your friend.
His book in the show, maybe who put them on the show? They'll write him off and you'll be like, what's your name? Michelle. Wolf is not that fucking person, which is so impressive in this business to find someone who will give you. This is how I shoot. I shoot right like this. I'm going I'm going to treat you like this. And if you're Dave Chappelle treat you like that, you treat me like that. If you're Joe Rogan, I'm treating you like that.
If you're you know what I mean?
It's it's really amazing because people who do that. I like trying to streamline their way to where they want to be. So there's an element of being a shrewd business person, but you would think that that would at least even if you weren't that person, you'd be smart enough to pretend to be that person.
So you'd let me say something.
Perhaps you go up, you come back down again. And that's another thing, too, is that person you think isn't shit. You know, one of them is going to blow by everybody and then, like, you're going to be that person that treat you like a jerk. Like I mean, I don't know what kind of reputation I have, but like me, I've always been, like, antisocial. Like I said at a party. And I could sit right in the middle of it, not talk to anybody and be totally having a good time.
Yes. I'm like, I noticed that about myself, that I just sort of gravitate towards the corners.
I'll tell you right now, I tried to I've tried to articulate this, and it's very difficult. And not everyone's going to get to have my experience. My experience is extremely unique in this business, and it's called survivor's remorse. So what happened was, you know, I feel like I had some good energy young in my career. And then towards the end of my travels, you had to run right? When I was about to get fired, I was kind of going nowhere.
And I've talked about this a lot. But I remember you, Amber, you and Rogan sitting me in the in the green room at the store saying, get away from travel, gentlemen. Do your show, do your podcast. You're too funny. Do a special. You're wasting your time. But what's interesting is in that period of time that you guys talk to me and then a little bit after when you know. You got to see the type of people people really are.
I'll use Sam as an example, because he's ah, he's a good friend of mine. Yeah, I know.
Yeah. Like when you when you're laying in the gutter. Yeah. You find you find out who your friends are.
Find out who your friends are. And you, Rogan, Ari, Sagara, Joey, you find certain people look over your shoulder when you're not important. And then all of a sudden when I popped and I started selling tickets to theaters and adding shows theaters, it's amazing to watch that line go right back to your eyes. And they're like, all of a sudden you're important to them. And in it again, I made it.
And it's and it's it's weird. It's hard to. It's hard because that's one of them grabbed by the shelf. Oh, my God. You look at me in the eye. Hey, I made it so.
So is actually it's a.. It's usually about those people is they don't think that they notice when it's like they're in a music studio and they're bringing the fader up, bringing it down. They don't think that they notice that that they brought it down and brought it back up. I don't think that you noticed that they did that.
Yeah, and it's amazing because you don't want to say anything because you like the attention of of of people. But like I remember I remember there's a period of time where you remember before secret time came out. And by the way, secret time was like the special that kind of helped me go over. I would you'd be talking to someone in the hallway and they would literally leave you mid conversation and just walk to someone else.
And you'd be like, I guess we're done and you can't get me in the laundromat out Yellow Springs.
But it's one of the things that I that I respect about like that I look about and I hate to hang on, hang my hat on this episode about the Chappelle thing is that Chappelle does not seem to have that. He seems to be very grounded. And I don't know if it's a move to Ohio or whatever, but he seems like he's surrounding himself with the logit people. He likes Michelle Wolf Moambe or Donelle Rollins. You know, common seems like it's like it really seems like to be a really cool way to do this business.
Yeah, now he definitely. He. People that can do that. You know, I mean, I guess I could do it. At some some level, but like I don't know, my family really likes it out here, you know, and I don't know.
But there was I will tell you. I was very envious of people that lived out there every time I saw an old pickup drive by, I saw people on motorcycles, I saw people towing boats in our lives. And I was joking about it on my podcast about how. These people that make fun of flyover states, it's like you don't understand the kind of fun that you can have out there.
I mean, and it's just I mean, it looks like Eden F.C. live in L.A. and it's on fucking fire and you go out. This place is all green and they have a dairy where they make the ice cream right there. And it's I can't even tell you. I went out, I deliberately I got a vanilla shake, the most bland flavor ever, because I'm going to see that guy, I'm not going to let you hit me with Oreo cookie or anything.
I'm going to strip this thing down to the fucking floorboards and let's see if you can while me and do it with the best vanilla shake I've had. I can't even remember. And there's a place back when I was a kid where I grew up, that was a farm once again. And they they made that's the best ice cream I've had since going to that place. But like, that's my thing, too. If I go to get a pizza first place time I go, I go to a Marguerita.
You're not going to fool me with your toppings. And if I go to get like a milkshake, I go vanilla. You can wildly with the vanilla, you realize how aggressive of a patron you are, fucking trick me. I want to see how you do it your best.
We say what going on with chefs. They say tell them to scramble an egg. It's not that really simple, but it's really like a difficult like an is. And I think it's an omelet or an egg or something. That's the first thing that they do. They want to see how you do that and how you do that informs their belief and what else what they want you to do, whether they think that you're ready for the job or not.
Did you and me ever have that moment on that trip where you were like, hey, let's just a house, see what we could get out here?
Oh, yeah, probably four times a day.
I just know that. You know how my wife is like she's like super smart and really creative and she would go nuts? Yeah, it's the same way I would go nuts, but I get to leave and like, hey, I'm in Nashville. I'm doing. I would go nuts. Motorcycles.
Dude, when you said Dave's motorcycle collection, I was like, how much fun is a motorcycle on an Ohio State road?
Just nowhere. No, because my thing is I am a. I like the the Harley Road King with no bags stripped down with the Whitewater's, that's what I want. I'm not a speed guy. That's at some point as an American, I have to ride one in the middle of nowhere on a country road. Like that's a bucket list thing that I'm going to do. Yeah. But like I was out here, I had a triumph Barnesville, I had it for like six weeks and somebody almost took my fucking head out and I was just I got the bike.
I was like shaking. I was like, fuck this. What am I like? I think it was I'm going to lose my leg. And I wasn't even thinking about stand up. I was thinking about playing drums and how much I was like, I need my legs.
Dave, Dave, you don't have to go into detail. Just give me give me an analogy. Give me some sort of give me some sort of fulfillment in this game. Motorcycles.
He has superb taste, good taste. Now he's I'm going to I'm not going to MTV Cribs somebody else's fucking house.
No, no, no, no. As a motorcycle guy, I know that I've seen what he rides on on Instagram. And I ran into him in Dayton one time. I saw what he does. He is an eclectic motorcycle collection. Or is it pretty much the same? Same. I don't I don't I don't know. Not I'm not going to talk about like I was in the guy's house, I'm not going to start describing what's going OK, OK, his children, their hairstyles.
Now, I want to know because you're like a lawyer. Objection. Strike that. Let me rephrase the question. You got to realize, Ben, it is it's the weirdest time in comedy and he is doing the most unique.
Right. If you stop acting like a fan right now and act like a comic, you're going to get the gig.
I'm not going. I can't keep any of that shit secret. Are you fucking kidding me? I'm going to end up on up slipping up on the one thing that he cares about. And I'll be like, no, man, he's got great weed. He's like, don't talk about the fucking weed.
Now, I would love to go.
I would love to go. I know. I mean, I think every comic should go. It would be great. You know, it's just like I've never met anybody more than I met him one time.
But I don't think I even know who I was. But I've never even met him. Oh, well, I'm not going I don't think I'm going to get an invite, but I'd love to meet you at my house. Can you come out and spend a weekend with me? I don't know who you are, but I bet we get along pretty good here. You're the guy that takes your shirt off, right?
Do you know what? Yeah. This is all like you got low self-esteem, Bert. That's why I'm a comedian, Bill. You got to put. I know, but so do I. But but Patrice told me a long time ago saying I was gonna do that busking. He's like, Bill, you got to put a value on what the fuck it is that you do, because you sort of get like, you know, that institutionalises like that happens in show business.
Yeah, I think I already talked about this maybe last podcast where you're just so happy to get stage time. Yeah, I'll clean the bathrooms. I'll wash dishes. I'll drive for five fucking hours. That you forget after a while that like you're now a comedian.
Now I've turned a corner with with my self-esteem. I think I think this tour, you know, this past tour that we did was really kind of it was really awesome to do. And I think watching everyone else go out and start, you know, when you get insecure.
But you know what? I know what your tics are. I know what you do. Tell me I'm dying to hear it. What you do is you ramp up your personality, you burn it up.
You when you start being like like right now, you're being burnt umber right now. Yeah, well, what I'm seeing like, is there a Camron then? I'm like, oh, but doesn't feel worthy of this opportunity of the situation he's in of talking to this person. And then you burn it up and you're going to be the guy with the lampshade on your head. You do something fucking. And you put you said, well, what's funny is you put yourself in this Mascotte position when you're actually a peer.
So you've got to be careful with that, because then people will view you. The exact opposite way that you want you want to get in because they like you. Yeah, it's funny because you have that when you see those people looking at you and then looking away and then looking back, but like, you know, you don't want to be like that. A little Chihuahua that's going to come over and do a fucking front flip because you can do it.
Come on in and have a shot. You don't to be that guy.
Yeah. Sorry, do you just go? Yeah, yeah, listen, I have I have my fucking I have my text. Who do I talk myself out of? A lot of shit I do. And I say it's bullshit. I just want to tell my jokes and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah and all this shit. And now I have to step back and be like, am I saying that's bullshit? Because it is bullshit because it is some stupid Hollywood shit or am I afraid of it?
You know, yeah, I've never been good I've never been good with I've never been good with celebrities, I've just it's never been my, like, comfort zone. And I think it's because back to when I was a kid celebrity like you do a podcast with me.
I remember meeting Garo Yepremian and being like, oh shit. I billboard that that I was like that. This is a real man and he's right here. And he shook my hand and I shook the hand of a guy who goes on the field at Buck's stadium like I fuckin like. I remember being amazed meeting like James James Guiles or Leroy Sulman and just being like, that's the guy that does it.
And I would totally I would. To this day, I would still be like that.
I think I've gotten a lot better. I don't see celebrity. I don't I don't put a value on it the way I used to. But there are there's a person that I'm going to meet Friday that I'm working with today that I'm like I'm like one of the biggest fans of and I have actually. It's so funny you say that, Bill. I've been laying in bed in this quarantine going like, how do I make sure that I'm me and not like I don't want to put on, hey, I don't care because I do, but I don't want to put on like this guy because I'm not going to have to figure it out on this time, just work on it.
And then gradually you just work on it's like getting comfortable on stage. You have to get comfortable in that social situation. It's like you just are you going to do if you want to get better at something is allow yourself. Like, I I'm going to fuck this up, but hopefully I don't fuck it up as much as I fucked it up the last time, and then you just start from there as opposed to being like, I have to hit the water.
Toes curled, no splash, but you've got my brain.
I got a Greg Louganis this shit. And it's just like it ain't going to happen.
Oh, that's fucking Greg Louganis, by the way. Hates my guts, huh? He hates my guts. To Greg Louganis I don't know what I don't know how he doesn't like you, but Greg Louganis. Is the only diver I ever saw that made me love diving. Oh, yeah, he was just like he is the Jordan. Like, I just never thought it was like Ken Griffey Jr. swing, like it's the greatest swing I ever saw, but he was diving at the time.
He just, like, jumped up in the air, touched his toes and went back and went into the water. It was the most amazing thing. It looked like he could fly. Yeah. Greg Louganis, what did you do to Greg Louganis?
It's a long story. The that sounds like a morning radio shit. No, no, no. It was a TV show and I was floored with him. And then as a joke on the TV shows, it was a TV show. And then he found out that I was straight and he got upset. And I was like. You being serious and so I don't know, it's a lot longer than I went through a lot of shit. Yeah, yeah.
He was gay when it wasn't cool to be gay.
He got AIDS when it wasn't or HIV when it wasn't cool to get HIV. Not saying it got cool, but like, he got it. There was a death sentence. Yeah, well, it was a death sentence and everyone was like, oh, I guess that's it. And then and then I was just saying to someone, you know, with covid, which is an interesting thing. Or the novel coronavirus, whatever you want to call it, I you know, we did this big tonight and we all just got tested.
I just got tested two minutes ago or an hour ago right before this started. I got tested. You know, the FAA for covid, you know, out there. What's interesting is I was saying to the crew, I was with the comics and the all the production that we were touring with, this tour's only successful. All of us test negative because a second someone test positive. There is a whole like with comics, there's a big group of comics that are awesome, people that love laughing, that love comedy, that love the scene, that love all of it, like the Chappelle's.
You, Tony, would Donna Otho like that scene? And then there's this underlying group of like people going, if I got covid, they go, yeah, you fucking deserve it because you were out there trying to tour. Fuck you. That's what you get. I hope you like. And you're like, what the fuck? So I'm saying these guys are so strict. So I was like, yo, we have to come back testing negative or it is our it's the perils are with cancer culture.
So I of people wanting to get a reason to drag you, you know. Yeah, I mean, I don't know, I I just think that that's that's so culture is just it's really just going to be some Chicken Little shit. Yeah, I think I mean, I just feel like that once once it went to like Alan was mean to me. I mean then it's just like, oh my quick. And then what I love was people were like.
Just taking their lives out on are people who never worked with her, they sounded like they worked for her for 30 years and if she was doing half the shit they did and she just did it to them specifically, it's like, how can you be this emotionally? This isn't about this. Yeah. This is about something else that's going on in your fucking life. There's no way you're this man is somebody that you never met and never worked for.
Oh, there was a video that went viral of there was. Which is so I saw this last night and it was this woman. There was a bouba shop, I guess, or a Chinese agent. You know, I'm talking about Andrew. It was an Asian guy.
You immediately knew I would know what the fuck it was. Then you went to Andrew. Well, no, he started nodding his head. It was an Asian tea house called the trap tea or tea trap type dropped.
And I immediately pictured them in there making t shirts. And they made tea like. Like they made cool t shirts.
No, they're making tea and boba tea, which is like Eastern. It's a South Indian type tea or whatever.
Anyway, but Jaina, any like Ron Burgundy right now there's this black woman came in with her camera and started filming immediately and said, is this black owned? Is this black owned and ordered?
She actually ordered and then left order came back in and came back in and started filming. Is this black owned? Is this black owned or is this cultural appropriation? Is this culture, this cultural appropriation? This is because Trappe House is where you sell drugs and in hip and hip hop culture. I wouldn't say black culture, but like in hip hop community. And what's interesting to me about the Hood BRK, I listen to a lot of t trust me.
And so so what I was stuck with was the amount of anger that resided in this woman. Is the issue at hand is that someone would order a tea and then all of a sudden, like the most innocuous drink, the most relaxing drink, and then go from zero to one hundred to the point where she's calling another black man a racial slur. He was Asian. He was no of the black line. Yes. She called and started yelling at this black guy.
And it got so aggressive that I thought. That's our issue, is that this one, people are walking around with rage in their hearts, like rage, waiting to fucking let go on someone and you're like, fuck that. Like, I got to get away from that. And I think it's Twitter. I think it's social media. I think it's all of it, but. I don't know that that's going to be hard to shake. I mean, council culture is going to disappear, but they're still going to be rage and anger in people's hearts.
I don't know how do you know what it's going to be is it's just it's going to get made fun of. It's like anything anything that's in eventually becomes trite or passé or whatever the expression is. And then it's just, you know, having giant collars and platform shoes was in. How did McCarthyism, a low five, that was this is different, how did McCarthyism die out? What's his face and have you no shame was the one. Oh, my God, I can I can always remember the guy's name and I think Edward R.
Murrow. Brought him on and he said something to the effect of to have you no shame. And that was the end of McCarthyism. It's it's now, you know, after it all is over, they say and like. The way it was told to me then I watched and it just didn't seem as epic as they made it sound, but like I think that was the thing that turned it, because he said what a lot of people were saying.
I think he was the first one going like basically like you are destroying people's lives on accusations. And that is literally what is happening now. And it's bad enough that people are doing it. But watching comedians cosigning. On shit where they weren't there and something could have happened, something could not have happened, but the fact that they're sitting there throwing gas on that fire and so many times throwing the gas on that fire, they also criticize their act, which is always a red flag to me, being like, no, wait a minute, are you doing this because you believe this story or is are you you know, you don't like this person is a comedian and you're happy that something's happened?
You know, there's a lot of competition. There's a lot of. You know, you have to work at, you know, in any business that you're in to not get negative, to not get bitter, to not resent somebody else having a better day, a better set, a better career than you. And it's like it's such like a that's like Tiffany. You can't do that. Like what a waste of energy not being patient is. It never makes the thing come quicker, it usually makes it may break something or fuck something up or make a bad decision, which makes whatever I wanted delayed or maybe not even happened and.
I don't know, you know, I it's weird, like certain people, they get to this one, I think there's a fork in the road with getting older.
And you either go down a road where you're like, I don't know shit and I need to work on myself, or you go down that awful road of I know everything. And let me tell you something. This is how the world should be. This is who you should vote for. This is how people should act in every single situation. And you just start wagging your finger at people.
I mean, all of it is so stupid, so fucking stupid is like with some of that shit, they keep going after fucking John Wayne, the guy's been dead for 40 years about that fucking airport that's named after him. But then I read this thing on Coco Chanel. And she was a Nazi sympathizer in France, it's like, well, why don't you stop buying her fucking purses then? You see they change the name of Squaw Valley. Well, what's that, Squaw Valley is a popular, I think, ski resort, and this Native American I don't I don't have a problem with Redskins and mascots.
No, no, no, no. The big thing with Squaw Valley is they were saying it's a it's a it's a slur towards women. But the definition technically his wife. And then you look at like I'm looking at people fighting, I it then becomes how it was interpreted by white people. No, but but my point is I'm looking at people fight online, and it's a bunch of people that will never go skiing there that are like heels in the sand going, how dare you change that name?
And then other people going, I find that offensive. Mike, by the way, just who gives a fuck? None of you are going to afford skiing in this fucking valley. Expensive shit. It's overpriced fucking do. Who gives a fuck? It's such a it's like if someone if it ruins someone's day to hear something, change it.
Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck. Yeah, and then also, I mean. I don't I can't speak on that shit just because there's nothing there's nothing really out there. That's that's that's why I don't have that experience, so I have no idea. Nothing trips me up. Real fucking people are bothered by it. The argument makes sense. I don't I don't give a shit. It's just like, you know, I still wish it was called the Pan Am building.
It changed it to MetLife. Nor is it burn me up. But that's as deep as I go.
How many more days of quarantine you have left? I just started I just got back OK? Well, I guess what I'm doing is I'm going to get tested, make sure I'm OK and and then. Yeah, and then we're all right. So I get up tomorrow morning, if the test I just came back gets negative, I get to walk out of my hotel room tomorrow morning. That's awesome.
I can't wait till you've been watching the playoffs. My favorite fucking thing last night, I was watching the Bruins first. Your voice, the Tampa Bay Lightning, so series like when Tampa Bay is always great, I kind of had a feeling like last night was going to be that night, but we scored a late one in happiness. In overtime was a great fucking game, but they scored the equalizer to make it one one. And it was just one of these things where they were doing a change in.
This guy didn't skate hard enough back to the bench and he was still in our zone. And Tampa was offsides, but it had nothing to do.
With the goal, yeah, but Kassidy, our coach, challenged it. Let's show the replay. And Tampa's coach knows it's going to get called back and as this gate, no, they told him that it was no goal, whatever through he said, you fucking cunts like fucking nine times in a row. And they kept showing it. It was clear as day he was going to you fucking cunt, you fucking cunt. He just kept saying it.
I was dying because it was it was it was the perfect word because it was such a cutie. He should have been yelling at Cassidy. Yeah. Because the rest would like because the ref didn't call it offside. Cassidy challenged it and then they looked at it. He was just yelling at the wrong. It's just because they were the messenger. I mean, it's got to be up there. Somebody must have put a clip, but it's so clear as day like he's yelling, it's so loud.
It's like if you were deaf your first day, you could have read this guy's fucking lips, Kitty, because you fucking cunt, yo, fucking cunt. And he was really getting into it. I loved it was really cathartic. Oh, that's great.
Yeah. And they played it good. They're really good team. And so I'm really into it. And tonight they got the flyers are playing game two against the islanders and all these Flyers fans, meaning three, we're talking shit because they were the number one seed and the Bruins came back. We didn't win a game in a little round robin thing and the Flyers went undefeated. And, you know, they handled the Canadians pretty easy, got their asses kicked on one game like five nothing.
And then they just closed out the series. And but this first game, like the islanders are scared and they came in and just fucking mop the floor with them, shut them out, I think was like four nothing. Five nothing. I might be combining games, combining series might have the score run, but like like so tonight is like such a huge game. I just love that sports are back and like when my team's not in it other than the Canadians, I'll root against the Canadians.
But like as much as fly fans can be cutting, they're funny. And I want to see seven games. So tonight I'm hoping that they're going to win.
Is that flyers, flyers. Islanders do great series flyers. Islanders. Well, I mean, it should be a great series because I like. Ridiculously talented. They got the coach from fucking the capitals that won in a few years ago, I believe, and then the flies with the number one seeds. It's a really good match up. And then as a Bruins fan, I'm psyched that one of those teams is going to get knocked out. But our goalie just said, I'm not playing.
He's got a kid on the way or had just had the kids like I'm not going to play in front of no fans is bullshit. So he said, fuck it. So we got this dude Hallock in there and he's been pretty solid. He's been pretty solid. He had one should have a shot at one game, made a bonehead move trying to clear it out. And the guy just knocked it out of the air, put it in that.
And then last night on a breakaway, I thought they went five. Hold on. One watch. There's always one that you wish you could have back, but I'm really happy with him. I think he's a solid dude.
Well, now I got something to do tonight. I'll watch out. And I'm also doing fantasy football this fall. That will make that would be a blast.
How much how much of my week has to be taken up by doing that? None. None.
Zero. It's fucking awesome. I'll tell you what, man, you were talking about doing laundry. My biggest the thing I miss the most about doing clubs is Sunday doing laundry, organizing my organizing my backpack, organizing my suitcases. I know none of those clothes were coming outside a weekend the next weekend. So I organized everything, washed everything, have fantasy football on on my computer, have it all on my iPad and and and watching the games. It was the greatest man I know.
It's it's the best little afternoon cigar after that. Forget about. Well then you stink again. But I just think yeah I really miss, I just, I like what I got to experience this past weekend. I'm just going out there making people laugh here and other comics laughing. Yeah. And then just seeing all those other artists doing all the stuff that they do like and just a great event because it was so many people.
There was this guy doing poetry with this fucking guy. Like, I've never felt like I don't want to follow a poet, and I was like murdering and took him on this whole emotional ride. Like afterwards, we were just like, wow, what the fuck, and then I'm come down waka, waka, waka, but I don't do it any so well great man.
I think we did a great episode. What do you think? Yeah, I think that was that was effortless, man.
I think a crew could, by the way, go to Chappelle's every week. I'm really impressed with that. I can't look, the thing I got to say is that me up to it.
And I'll tell you anything you want to know. Don't worry about the.
Oh, you got a big fucking mouth, dude. Hey, listen, I've got to I can't keep good secrets when it comes to shit like that. The thing I said, the thing I feel like Pontac when you made that statement, know, I can be good.
And I've kept a lot of secrets about you that you're like, no, you and Rogan are number one. Number two secret guys like you guys. I call my fucking special secret time. I'm a bad guy. The I I pride myself when somebody tells me, don't tell anybody, I won't even tell my wife, I don't say shit, I don't say a word. And I really think that somebody's private life is their private life. And I really think if somebody says this is a secret, don't tell anybody like the trust that they're putting in you because they need to get it off their chest.
They have because it's bothering them and they go into you. To to find some sort of a moment of peace and you betray that. You fucking betray that when you go out and tell somebody else it's a bitch move. Yeah, I don't I'm good at keeping secrets. I'm not good at, like, things. I don't know her secrets.
I'm not like, oh, there's a little wiggle room right there. You're a little corporation.
Are you? So wiggled right out of that for a fact.
If you give me the address of your house, I'm Zello in it immediately. Yeah. So I'm just regular, bro. It's the thing I love about getting to do this job.
Earth, I can't keep my fucking mouth shut. I am as regular as the any other motherfucker watching. You're not. I am just as regular. I'm excited. When you said I'm at Chappelle's, I got so excited to tell a fucking soul and I was like, I hope he wants to talk about this.
And I tell you something, yes. This is something that's going on right now. Like you don't give yourself compliments. People observe your behavior and they give you the compliment.
No one's I mean, I'm not a KARREN, I'm regular. I mean, it's just everybody is just bestowing these. They just given themselves stripes and they're moving up in ranks as far as like it's like no other people will tell you if you're a good shit or not. Yeah. And I'm telling you, Bert, you got loose lips.
If anyone's got me, that's a good name for a podcast, by the way. Loose Lips with Burt Chrysler or a special.
Oh, I like that. All right, let's wrap this up, I'm going to be great if you told a bunch of pussy stories about a bunch of whores that you weren't supposed to talk about. That works on two different levels, a great fucking podcast of just someone who just every chicky fucked pussy story's nothing but pussy stories.
I don't know what kind of advertising you get loose lips with Burt Krischer.
What's the biggest pussy ever encountered? Oh, heavens, that's a good fuckin. There you go. Awesome, well, I'm glad you had a good time. I think that's so fucking awesome. I had a great time and any any of that fucking locker room shit you want to know your fellow comic? You got a big mouth.
I will tell know.
All right, everybody, this has been another wonderful episode of The Brill. Paul.