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All right, hey, everybody weighs in on me, never go. Hey, what's going on, everybody?
It's time for another wonderful episode of the Bill Hurt Pod Cast. All right. What's going on? How are you today? We have a guest as we do. One of my favorite comics who's doing something incredible, Philippe Esparza. Our guest today has not one but two stand up specials coming out, one in Anglaise and one in Espanol, correct? Correct. That's amazing. So I have a million questions about this. But before we do, I just want to say you look great.
Thanks, man. Yeah, you do. The man you've been working out. You got something up since last year. I guess it's been going on a treadmill. I started at 15 minutes. I thought of that day that you guys started that saw October. Yeah, I didn't stay sober, but I just worked out on a treadmill like 15 minutes a day, 20, 30, and now I'm at forty five, that's all.
All right. Well, you look great.
And I have to tell you, I'm inspired by you. I went up. I'm doing a thing right now. And they had us pick our menus and they were like vegan. Every time I see vegan, I think you and I was like, I can't do vegan, but I've been pescatore and so far for seven days. Pescatore, that's just eating fish, right? Just fish, and it's got to be honest with you, I like it.
I might I might staple Kataria, you know, fish is good, dude is good.
I don't know how many fish are left. So you might want to get on that diet soon or just eat the manmade salmon. No bird.
He had his own little salmon farm in the valley somewhere. You will go out there for her as a guest, I'll get in business with them.
So I think both Bill and Bill, my first question is, Philippe, do you get paid twice, what, in pesos than one? And I need to figure it out. I wish I wish when they offered me, like, the English one, I could have suggested to do the Spanish one to. Really is and how this all came about. Ask me how good of your Spanish and I was like, I kind of Linus's good and I could do that, but I've never done stand up in Spanish when they had approached me.
I just I don't think I had like maybe three minutes that said. But I really had to work hard because I didn't know how to approach this. I didn't know how to translate the words because my so let me see you.
But you could you can speak it right now.
I could apply. I know the lingo like orderly. And I had to code or piece you way know my manners. I get away with it, man, get away with it for years. I go to the improv kitchen all the time. You have to deal with a topic a little bit like the like. Yeah, yeah. But they're like in the back of their head. They know I'm a, you know, a guy that doesn't know how to speak Spanish that well.
And a lot of my English words is a potential mean someone who's just been Americanized born here. Yeah.
Or came from Mexico real young and eats hamburgers like pizza. No.
You know, that's enough to get called a poncho. Yes, man. Like I mean, I'm cut in between because my Spanish is just only good enough to get like an extra corn from the corner man, you know, or bribe my way into places where there's a lot of Mexicans inside. Well, how good is it now after you did the special, what did you do? Did you hang out with some people that spoke? Did you go Rosetta Stone?
That's that's the white guy way of doing it. That's what I do. I had a show at the Comedy Store and an aspiring show. And I didn't know that the Netflix people were going to show up to watch the show. And I had to do an hour. But it was only like my second time doing an hour and it didn't go so well. And they were talking to my Asian style. And I'm I'm sorry I saw the Comedy Store.
I don't see I don't know if it really matters. He kind of messed up a lot of work then and then switched back to English. And then he was speaking now Spanglish, a lot of words that don't make any sense, you know, and the crowd was laughing. But I don't think anybody in Latin America understand what he's saying. So what did you have to do then? I had no idea you what I had to go to Mexico.
I went to San Diego, to the Comedy Palace, because there was a Mexican comedian or this woman. She has sold out two shows on a Sunday. And I was like, damn. The headliner on the main road had half a room. She sold out two shows in the back. So I asked her, you know, like a young comic, you know, I waited for her to show up to the to that to the club. I came out of my car a flip as far as I can and do like five minutes and open up for you.
She said, sure, go ahead, get off on time. So I know who you are now. You take care of the caravan. She sold out to that. Didn't want to go.
So you went you went up to do five minutes. You just I'm going to do five minutes in Spanish.
So I play like two and a half hours just to ask her. And she said, yeah. And I went well. So I kept going back every other week. I didn't really have time to do this because I was on tour doing the bad Ambre tour in English. And then like every once in a while, I would have a day off to go to a Spanish show. So if San Diego was going well in San Diego, but my fans were coming to the show and they speak English and Spanish, you deal with a Mexican man that they go to their jobs who are lawyers or doctors or lawyers who speak English.
But on the weekends, man, they put on cowboy boots and they forget how to speak English. You know, they're not wearing boots with big old belt buckles, talking shit, claiming they're Mexican hometown as pride for the Sinaloa cartel are gone. But they all live in a valley like, come on, man. But do they get those guys to come into my show? Every time I mess up a Spanish word, they would laugh and just about support me.
But they didn't work. I had to go to Mexico, so I went to Tijuana to a place where they have comedy on Tuesday nights. And it was that we had to cross the border. Man, I was paranoid, right? I was narcos.
I watch every documentary, you know, I'm like every other white American man thinking I'm going to kidnap and kill you, you know?
So you got to be worried that they wouldn't think you were a citizen and they wouldn't let you back in. I didn't think you were worried about going down there. I'm not worried about that because a lot of the border patrols there, like comedy fans, you know, they they know who I am. Like, can I just go like this and let me in? Yeah. How was the show? And the were over there is there for me to get them.
And there's a smell that is not you're not in America anymore. Like it's the smell of burning tiger burning trash, I don't know, burned body. They're burning everything over there and you get you as soon as you've crossed the border. Mexican Border Patrol is wearing like leftover marine uniform from Desert Storm. You know, America probably don't need it. Like it's too tight. It's too big for him. Like we want to take it. We're wearing guns bigger than our heads and we're just passing everybody through.
But what was what was the crowd?
So you go you see in all of this stuff, how are you maintaining? Because this reminds me of a long time ago, the first time I ever did like the Uptown show, the All Blacks show. But I at least I stayed in America was hilarious. I walked down. It was just like I just walked in to a club. And then all of a sudden it was like I might as well been in Harlem when Harlem used to be.
But the second I came out, I mean, I could have got like a crape like two doors down, but you actually had to go. But it's also crazy. Bill was also crazy. What I'm thinking is when you do an uptown room, you also have all the pivot of improving in your own language. When you're going to Mexico, you're kind of caught in this framework of like these are the jokes. I know that work and these are the words that I know that work.
But like, your improv couldn't go. You can't just improv like you would in English.
You kind of like going in Spanish. And I would just stay quiet like, say, a.
Oh, my God, there was like a lot of Mexican comedians going up and me and my friend Rodrigo Martin, really only one American were the crowd. Was anyone know who you were? Yeah, those are a lot. Half of the crowd were Mexicans that were deported from America. They were all deported like they were are thugs, you know, and funny man, like I got to know these guys by going there all year, every chalo, every gangbanger, every guy that speaks English that is deported and goes to Mexico.
They were tell the market demand. So if you have a problem with a phone, you're talking to MS 13 or 18 street gang member and his fucking your composure. But he's like, say, Oklahoma, you know, there's my brother who the.
Other cells, I mean. I mean, a bunch of people on my show that there was these Marines, like these Marines, I showed Marines, but they're like Mexican American who also got deported, who like what in Iraq, for Afghanistan, for a fucking Desert Storm, for they were Mexican and then they fucked up here in the United States.
They kicked them out. But I know one of the guys with the little man. Or is the next step in the former? He going to buy a gallon of milk, it pops up, you know, red alert, red alert, and they found out that he never went back to process his green card because I'm guessing that he didn't keep up with it. So his green card has expired, what, 12 years ago, and he never went to go register to become a citizen.
So they deported his ass. He's just an old man, you know, Fanfarlo there. And they have a community, JUANMA where all of the other veterans from America who got deported live. So like a veteran community, because they're like frowned upon by the America, by the Mexican troops and the Mexican police. So they're got to live in this area where they could just protect each other, you know, and live in their own community until they're until they fix the papers.
So how are they going to go with it? I don't know why human beings behave that way with each other. Man, it's depressing.
Every Fourth of July, they put on their Marine outfits and it's double what they salute a flag like San Diego. I wouldn't be doing that down there, but they're not. You wouldn't believe how quick I would try to assimilate and be put in and get them on my BlackBerry or do anything I could not. Still, I don't they have a problem, man. You just put in a Canellos shirt and that's it, bro. You start and then I'll get them, get them on.
But if you say Cast-Off memo to the nickname for Bill is memo. Memo. Yeah. So forget Yermo memo. Guillermo is OK, because I don't giong that's in French and Bird will be between that, but is the kind of girl he'll stimulate in Taiwan by the end of the week. The only Napoli's bro I will get of the way will go because he'll be there hunting and shit killing Deerness. And there's a lot of dude like Bird who are Mexican who look just like him, who live with the why not really just talk differently.
They whistle after what they like, where you go. And you know that now going on here.
When I got to the show, the green roof is above the kitchen, so it is fucking hot. It was like a hundred and thirty degrees, the floor so hot. I don't want to make fun of this club, but I want to go wash my hands and I want to ask the manager when I turn on the water and. Spanish, Spanish, our e no, our anyway, I thought I turned to water and sarcastically, no water because don't worry about it, Michael.
There you see that book you read, there is one water that you have inside. So I have to wash my hands and like, water inside, like, oh, but I don't want to I want my husband water that everybody puts their hands inside. So just a my man and God, I should wash my hands with a bottle of water when I come back in America.
Hey, so. So you keep your club. This really fascinates me, the work that you put into this, because it's like this is something I became obsessed with, was trying to, like, challenge myself to try and get better. So but I never dealt with going to another country, having to learn the language and all of that. So you started going down there, would you say like once a week?
Oh, I'm going to like three times a month every other week.
And you just would you gradually do more and more time stretch your act? At what point did you feel like like how long we had you done it when you felt like, OK, I'm turning the corner, I feel comfortable. Could you handle a heckler if they they came at you? Because I figured that speaking with an accent from wherever they're from down there, they got slang. Like at what point? Did you feel like you could? Did you ever get to that point, I guess I think by the end of December, but of December together, 19, that's been a year.
I went over and I did an hour and a half and then I'm going to get off about this time. I don't know what I was saying. You know, I was just I was doing my old act in Spanish, you know, trying to remember my old act in Spanish.
But at that point, you felt you had command of the language. And if anybody heckled you, you could handle it.
Yeah, I could handle that. You know, I would just have to do it, like in and out, like a real, real Mexican accent, you know, because a lot of the comedians over there that they're in character. So I would say like Ginger Tomasetti way, you know, like that or bitchy color, I guess. Yeah. I mean, Volpi, you know, like what the fuck. You have a face that got big punch a thousand times, but in Spanish you know there's a rhythm to everybody.
Laughs But for the most part they didn't get heckled because they knew that I was trying to do something, you know, they knew that I was trying to build up Spanish, that I was like I must have been an incredible feeling that first time you did like enough to do a special inspector and you kill me.
I would have been like on Behi after that when I was in Sylmar, California, there's a little Mexican bar called Calzado. This is right by the four or five or five at San Fernando, like where you get to the freeway. And this is a big Mexican restaurant and they have three tour makers. They have three three banquet halls and they have like three mariachi shows most of the time. But some comedian named my some guy started doing standup comedy there, but they started doing standup comedy in Spanish.
So I went in there of doing like my own. I started doing once and once a month there, and I cazador headlining once a month in Riverside and once a month in San Diego and three times and Tijuana. But this place was packed. It was it was free to get in like and most of these guys did in Spanish. They were charging to get in, but I didn't get no money from it. Actually, I'm not good enough, you know, but I would just give the money to the opener's and the headliner, the the the young comics, they would just keep most of it.
But this place was free and it was packed. I mean, people would get there at five p.m. and the show will start at eight at this show. I had to also say in Spanish, I didn't mumble, I didn't go, oh, I didn't have to fuck with anybody. And the dudes from Netflix were inside inside the place. I didn't know that. And they told me all great said, man, this is the one because you did it because just keep practicing it, you know, get memorize it better, whatever.
And that was like seven months like is thing man.
Please tell me you're going to keep doing this, because I know you probably realize how much of the globe you just opened up for you to go do a run of dates. And and then not to mention that, I mean, then you become almost like recession proof because these countries go up and down. You have all of these places you can play.
And if the dollar tanks there's the problem is that is that Mexican Spanish is different than Spanish Spanish and different than Peruvian Spanish and different Bolivian Spanish.
But it's not like I Spanish. But isn't it like like I go to Ireland, I go to Scotland. I can't quite understand that, but we understand each other enough over here.
Here's here's here's my question though. Hold on. Hold on. Before we talk about you, I want to go back to you working on this act because you're your touring is fascinating to me because I know there's also there's also like like, you know, you never call a Puerto Rican guy Mexican. You never call Mexican. Puerto Rican. That's that's like I'm curious that like, how did you did you do this, the set in Spanish and then that same set in English, or did you choose different jokes to go in Spanish and different jokes going English?
I had when I was in San Diego, I met a comedian up from Tijuana, Mexico, named Joel Joel Sotomayor, and he was real cool. And he toured with me for three shows here in California, Fresno, Visalia. And he I've transcribed my whole set and he wrote it down in Spanish for me. And from there we'll just take a look at it and our like making my in my tone and my flavor. But there were some jokes that just did not work in Spanish.
And I wrote a couple of jokes in Spanish also that didn't work in English. So the. In Spanish, that is 10 minutes different from the English that really so him to say that we're not playing right now. So it's technically the same set, but you just had to tweak it for Spanish and tweak it for like you said, your face always been punched a million times in Spanish. That rolls off your tongue and it sounds harder than when you say it in English.
Sounds like something the first grader would say we like. Yeah, that's crazy. And so that this set works in Mexico. So if you went to Puerto Rico to do it, you'd have to make adjustments. But not as big as adjustments are going from speaking English to speaking Spanish.
I think I think my will work in Puerto Rico because what the way I'm talking in Spanish, I'm talking like I will say, like like anybody who has ever who knows Mexican culture in Los Angeles. And I'm not talking about the Mexican culture.
And Mexico is different for Lokos.
Is that what you're speaking of, the Mexican culture? You don't like that it's real hope, you know, that Latino, Chicano, they can understand it because if you know that movie Blood in, Blood Out, you're going to understand me. You know, I have friends in Morocco and there are these two Muslim girls who send me a video of them quoting that movie Blood in, Blood Out. And they're wearing the hijab and they're talking like a you kind of chicks.
And they're quoting a movie about gang banging. And when these chicks came to America, they go to fucking New York Cisco. They went to Boyle Heights and they stood in front of the same Pinetree at Miklós. And Brodin blown out. And they were like, there's no fucking way.
When I was in Amsterdam, I did a show in Amsterdam and all these guys come up to me and now they want to know about easterly able that really that crazy. If I ever go there, would you take me to the gangs? Are that I mean, that's all they care about. You know, I saw something recently, Europeans for Europeans, American me. It's like us watching The Godfather, which I understand. But the way we like The Godfather for Europeans and Japanese, they love American blood in, blood out.
I guess they think all Mexicans are like that. I saw things I forget what country, but it was the same thing they latched on to, I like the low rider thing, that whole stuff, they got into those cars and it was like one of them, one of the whitest countries in Europe. There was just this little scene of they just love the low road, it's in the lace top and all of that shit. And then I saw another one where they had gotten into like.
And I was more like a lot of like the the L.A. South Central, more African-American type of stuff. So what can go ahead? I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
What you're saying that they were doing it the way. I mean, it was an incredible. Impression I would I would say that I mean, it's weird because, like, if we do it here, it's like cultural appropriation with all the bullshit we've been through over there, I think then it almost becomes complimentary, like, wow, man, our cars are so cool that this one across the ocean. As opposed to if I went out and got a low rider, I would probably look like an asshole.
What what what countries would would your your your act in Spanish be difficult? And do you think, like what South American countries, Portugal, Portugal, could they speak Portuguese? Oh, yeah. That would be really tough in Brazil. Yeah. Yeah. But I'm pretty sure it's going to rock in El Salvador and Nicaragua, Guatemala, Guatemala, Honduras, all of Latin America, all of Latin America. What what what I find interesting in that you said that they were like.
That primarily Mexican and I think I've seen this, I watch a lot of the different international acts when they come out. I find it really interesting because if you read the translation, what's interesting, what works, you know, like I remember there was a Korean guy and he just kept talking about like the supreme leader or something. And you're like and you just like he did in that country. It's a really big thing to say. But to us, we're just like, huh?
But like you say, that characters work there. And I remember the first time I ever saw you, you definitely are a character to a white guy. Like to a white guy. Well, who I mean, I was fascinated. I was like a here watching what I'm going to get to know. That guy is fuckin he smokes weed. He's Latino, he's Mexican. He's everything is like. How does that read? Do you read American to Mexican crowds like do you read as like privileged got grow up speaking English parents made it over the border.
Like does that do you read is like do you have to like almost change your character a tad bit and go, you know, what does that make sense. Well, when I first when I first audition for Last Comic Standing, like the first one, I didn't make it through. And I remember Barry Katz walking up to me asking me the same thing he said. He said that he goes, Do you always do that character because you're funny without it?
You know, like when you come up with it. Right. Was like lurching over me, right? Like in my face, everything was just like. Yeah, big deal and. I was nervous. I thought I was nervous when I first started doing standup because my one of my favorite comedians, Steven Wright, so I started off with a big believer in that deadpan of deadpan, you know, and I just wanted the state to be deadpan, you know, and I would hang out with you, Popa, and he would stick to being deadpan.
And I started doing roles that actually were deadpan within like.
Conducive, I guess, to the audience and those people throwing shit at me and talk Riu mumbling Motherfucker.
You know, Mushmouth, these messages telling me this shit I want to tell this guy told me the same thing my dad told me Unstaged know, like, fuck you with, you know, my dad, you could just talk like a fucking machine gun. Da da da da da da martello. Is there going to be too much, you know, so. So I couldn't react to hecklers in a monotone, deadpan voice. So whatever would you have to yell at their man?
So this. So you're yelling at the idea that one day the other comic told me, you know, you always change your look, sometimes you're really fucking bald all the time. Your hair is straight like a fucking Mayan warrior to the look so utterly. My hair grow and I let grown man and. Then that's how I do that started being crazy when. You are it's who you are and I remember I remember the first time I saw you was at the Dublin and I had to follow you and I could not.
I could not. Have you ever gotten on stage, Bill? And you can't stop thinking about the guy before and how that's never happened to me.
But that gee, what is that like to Dublin? What's the fucking worst? First of all, you went there and everyone I just felt was waiting for Dane to go on like that was his house. And you went in there. And if it's like if you weren't on even on his path, I mean, I used to get so psyched out when I would do that on for people listening. It was this amazing bar and this amazing room, Jay Davis book that this great giant daylight's.
Yeah. Giant place, huge bar, great sports bar on Sunday to watch football. And upstairs they just had this cavernous room that would just it would just fill up with beautiful Hollywood. It was just like everybody. And they looked like they all had Botox before Botox. Everybody was gorgeous.
And I don't know, I always knew was Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, In-Sync, Backstreet Boys, Vince Vaughn, Jon Favreau. I mean, I remember looking around and being like, this is young Hollywood. DMX will be.
Who do you, Max? I saw him inside to hanging out. Yes, I did not like biker gangs will be there to on Monday nights. It got scared that after a while. Yeah, what's going on with the place now is I don't even know what it is. It still exists, but it doesn't really have a sign on it or anything. I don't know. It's weird. But anyway, so you saw the part. I just sidetrack this, of course, because that's what I do.
You just say you used to see him at doublings.
You have to follow him and you just acted like some kids, like, don't call until you just say no, no, no.
I mean doublings. And I remember going just sometimes when you find a I mean, this is obviously a compliment. When you as a comic, when you hear a very original, authentic voice, you get, I get wrapped up in it and I get on stage and I want to say to the audience, hey, I saw what you start to like. I'm also in the same boat you're in. But now I got to perform and I can't stop thinking about him either.
I'm watching him walk out of the room also. I want to stop and go. That was amazing, man. How long you been doing it? Like, I watched you leave it and everyone's, like, tapped on the shoulder. And I was just like, my name's Burt. I know you're thinking to name due to porn is like not like him. My it's I love I love watching you to stand up to one of the two guys who also you can put a clip online and the clip is as good as watching you on stage, like you're just phenomenal.
But I don't know why this is better than you. Oh, but when the when the Mexicans in Mexico, my Internet is unstable, when the Mexicans in Mexico see you, do they see you as an American Mexican? Oh yeah. And do they see you as like American. He's also a guy from Mexico, a guy who from America once I started doing my Spanish. They knew. They knew when I met up a word and I would start a joke.
Now, work, you know, not bomb anything. Oh, shit. I'm bombing in Spanish. Finally, you know, this is a good. And right, I didn't know what words I was speaking backwards, you know, I was speaking English but is saying in Spanish, you know, if you understand what I'm saying, like we ought to be a certain way of verbs, adjectives in English. But I want to say that in Spanish, you know, backwards, you know, like opposed like, for example, in Spanish, I will say we go, Rob is not Robotron in OS, but I can say laws because I used to say Lord knows a lot.
All right. And I see the wrong man. But when they corrected me the first time. I sound like an American man, you know, being corrected like that all the time, say welcome only you know what I just said. It was the way I I like a white guy. That's how I said, hey, I better stay like this forever and ever stick to it. And I said, no, motherfucker, you're going to be seeing it wrong.
And nobody can understand you once you go because you leave Mexico. Nobody in Uruguay is going to know what the fuck you're saying. I suggest you stay this way. And I said, all right, stay that way. But my my mouth would not allow me to stay that way. You know, my mind, everything.
The way I think hard about this is I can look at the few things that I've ever done trying to learn another language. I know, like in English. We'll see. We'll say, like, whatever the red pencil. And they always say the pencil red. Like, they they'll say what the fuck it is and then describe it. So, yeah. You what you were translating that way. That way. And then they did that, and immediately they were like, all right, this guy, if they didn't already figure it out, they're like this guy right away, man, do you address it?
I mean, I would figure out how to say in Spanish the guy, yeah, I am I fucking whatever that word is. Meaning I'm from America and I decided to come down here and slam it. Now, another word I couldn't pronounce.
There's no word for it. Kind of word. I just took it off cockblock. There's no word in Spanish for cockblock. Like somebody could walk in there and take your check and go be with her. There's no word for it. I get to kill each other, I guess so. I can't make it. I've made up a word, you know, I guess I guess they just have a shoot outside in the in the O.K. Corral, you know, but there's no word for cockblock.
Then I said Soyer block. Yeah, they, they, they Guiyu, which is the correct translation, you know, it doesn't rhyme. So it didn't work did I finally said it's fine to be told which is scared take away which didn't work. So I just said forget about it man. It's just not fucking funny. Anyways, go to work. I would, because I froze up on us here, I would think that you could have actually done material, you could still do material on stuff like that, because if you know how to say that in Spanish, that's funny that they don't have cockblock because you guys just go out and kill each other.
Like, do I have to say in America we got a thing called the cockblock and then you're trying to get laid and they fuck this shit up.
And I notice you guys don't have it down here, but because then you turn into that, then you turn to that hack American that goes over to England, like you call your fanny pack a fanny pack. That's funny. I mean, pussy here, you know, like.
Yes, go ahead. We all have to do that when you get over there. And so you get the lay of the land, then you can let that shit go, but you got to do it. But I was already over here. They're great in my country. I was in first time I was in London. Every president to say that, like, oh, we're going to be bigger here. I remember an American doing a joke about the cigarettes.
I think they're called our fags in English. Yeah, no, the joke is that the American people say, you know, we smoke them over in America. Do you know something like that? But the word was the cause of work didn't work. But when I said, look at all that boyos, that joke would work in Spain because cok just to suck a cock in Spain. You say you Metropol Goyo, which means I suck a chicken.
But that's the way of saying Spain like it's the country of Spain. I saw a movie was what was said and which muchos on the commercial boom when all y'all and I'm like in the parliament there's been a lot of times where the cops know that and I say OK, but doesn't point me to the workers in Mexico, you know. So just fuck this joke, you know. This podcast is brought to you by Bud Light Seltzer, which is unquestionably good with their new flavors, their new flavors or your bill, try to guess what three flavors you like to have.
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All right, Bill, you know, that's one of my everybody's worried about this presidential election. I'm actually I just want to sell so that I can trust.
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A guy from the Greatest Generation is going to win it because the seltzer will rhyme with some guy that he killed in Italy during World War Two. That's my prediction. Bingo. I'm on it. I called it. Awesome. That was a really great podcast, so I could go on those whose I never heard him long form like that, he had me going almost like he's like he looks like fucking John Belushi the first season of, like, SNL.
Like he's he looks all like just wild, dangerous, like, what's this guy going to say? And then he gets up and he's just total chill like he was saying, like this storyteller. I never noticed that about him.
But there's no you just settle the fuck in. Yeah. Yeah. And then when he tells the story you're like, oh, there's that wild do like me.
Imagine him on PCP like fucking ear off.
He never he never once loved like like love like it was a every story just pick up. Hey, how about just real quick, how about Gaffigan going fucking off the because there's too many chickens in the street and it will be really confusing chickens and roosters. I love you just preparing for this special and you saw this woman say this vile thing and then you're sitting as a ComicCon, I can use that. I'm going to try that next week. Don t you want to see how that flies?
Amazing man. This is actually I don't know what inspired me to work on my atabrine. I can't do anything to that level. But like now that we've talked a little bit about, that is just special is called bad decisions. So it sounds to me obviously like as usual, what I love about your style, you're a storyteller and you talk about your life. Is that essentially what people can expect?
Yes. Of what was what got me on this path was when I was on a crisis podcast and we shared some stories there. And then I was on the other of the champs with Motional Castroville Brenin. And I'm going to be on his podcast saying Milbrett and say, well, you got like four or five movies in one hour of stories. And then when I was in jail, CNN. Ryan Sickler, a stickler for their podcast, I sure like some of those stories that are in my act and bad decisions, and I never thought that I could make these fucked up stories funny.
You know, that one where you had you had a green light on you, as you said, like it was open season on you. I forget I just ended with you whipping this guy with a belt in the street.
Oh, yeah. I was just going like a that's a story I could see making its way late night on and worked out at the Comedy Store. Yeah, man, yeah, that guy was trying to kill me, he was choking me to death and there was no other way to get away from him, you know, and he's a pretty strong guy. I just and I was on PKP. You know, you've been on PCP right now. And we started off a bit like this, but a bit of extra bleeding everywhere.
Everywhere, crying a little bit. You know, and if you if you if you bite somebody, they're outdated, they ought to be able to you know, they've got to make that because you're supposed to make. I'm only saying that because at the time, I wasn't doing nothing wrong. You know, just a guy who had just came from watching Terminator two. I was just thinking about Arnold Schwarzenegger. I was going to go watch Rambo on Glee and on VHS, you know, for the answer.
And we have a good time. And then this guy out of nowhere starts picking on me for no reason and man. I didn't just go see the Terminator, Burt and Bill, I was dressed like almost lost Nager to the movie wearing my black army army issued steel toed boots. I have my jeans on. I'm a white t shirt. I had my fake leather jacket on. Also, Arnold Schwarzenegger met, so on the way, even some street shit this guy just picked on you coming out of the movies and next thing you know, he's missing half his fucking ear and you got blood all over your shirt.
Like, how wouldn't you take that to a comedy club?
I was afraid that this guy was still alive somewhere. Waiting a moment. You know what? I don't know.
Sounds like a left turn in a Tarantino movie. I'm etc., you know, hey, it is a weird question, I just realized this, the Netflix execs weren't Rabie, it was like next Netflix, Latino, Netflix, like, Oh, Robbie, Robbie and the other guy, Robbie from Montreal, right? Yeah, probably the guy that used to be backstage at the Montreal Festival. Yeah. And there was a guy in charge of the Latino International.
I think he spoke to Tom Cigarroa too. Yeah. Yeah. I think the girls doing one in Spanish and then this fucking pandemic started, bro. I was lucky, know I shot mine the weekend that Kobe Bryant passed away with his daughter and the rest of the people in the helicopter that weekend happen. And that was shoot on Tuesday and Wednesday, I think. Mad people came in wearing Laker jerseys. We were sad and we had to put them in the back because you can wear Laker jerseys.
And they were like the first show was like we had a bunch of openers go up and the crowd was to kind of sad, you know, but we got them going by the second show. Where did you take this, this special at the Observatory Theater in Santa Ana, the original Galaxy Theater from back in the days? And that was awkward. My bad, I made it very off color joke and you guys froze and I was like, Oh sorry, what's going on?
So you taped on two different nights and did you do one English, one Spanish, both nights or or two English to Spanish? To English, to Spanish. We fixed a set up for the Spanish are where I get the word suit with one. Well Ruffels, a rough idea what you're wearing in it.
I like what you're wearing. I also like the I like the print. Like I don't know if your arms are like this, but you get really obsessed about the choices comics make. I like the print on your special. It's really cool. It's really cool. And I like the poster and I love what you wear. I love the location. I love I watched the trailer today. It looks really beautiful. Well, the music also the music for the show, for the special.
It's a local band from World High School dropout Mahiga. And they sang and they wrote the song in English. And then they did it in Spanish also for the Spanish special. And then my wife, she helped edit it, and together we wrote the the English subtitles to the subtitles to be on point to what I'm saying, because sometimes when you watch Northcoast, you see the Spanish subtitles. The nothing of the English subtitles never matches what they're saying, really.
So why and why is that? I don't know, man, because they have a guy who went to college, you know, translating everything that you have somebody from the streets. So here to what the world? I thought it was only a little pitchy, moderate in a bottle, it says, you fucking asshole. I'm going to kill you and have sex with your family. But what he really said, I'm going to kill you and have sex with your fucking mom right now in front of you or your whole family watches.
Yeah, that's a definitely a different version. So as of now, do you think this is the new trend of Sigurbjörn? I think Haziest might be doing one, right? Well, I hope so. About it. And there's also a tour of Europe we could go out to. We can all go on tour in Latin America and Europe and we could all do 20 minutes. Why do forty five.
Forty five. Yeah. What's the money like in in Mexico and South America.
Is there a good idea. I don't know. But the comedians that I brought from America to to make sure they're Mexico, they were getting paid in pesos because they were fuckin exchanging that shit at the border. Like four seventy five, seventy five bucks, man, definitely put together like a King account, like Latin King of comedy thing. And tore through wherever I mean, wherever they'll have you down there and then do the states and Canada and all that, I think it's.
I think I don't it just it just seems like nothing but an upside for what you're doing. I really have to focus, man, because I speak English all day. Like, I would have to wake up in the morning for the Spanish shoes and listen to Piolín in the morning and just banish it that I will go to or listen to that see and hear, you know, the Spanish and then with Camilo and then go to Fox deported and Fox or Spanish, then listen to a podcast, a random podcast in Spanish and then go over my said in Spanish.
And by the time I'm met Juana, I have to speak Spanish because no one speaks English. Everything is fucking Spanish man a damn fucking Spanish. And and then just really get like focus imag method after I don't speak Spanish, I don't speak English all day to get ready for my Spanish. I tried to learn, tried to learn the machine in Spanish was going to do it at Dusit, so I spent a good deal to get two people to translate it for you.
Geller has to straight hope and then get another guy with a different style of comedy so he can have two versions of what are you saying? Because I heard this is an hour and a little you train your solo and I put a lot into the other line because they feel the floor that you just saw the picture up in there, of course, with only the gauge of me in the head on my key, not just the back of the head at the back seat, not in the first one, I mean.
You got to say a bro like you're their dog, you got to be animated, bro, like when I like the first time I did an urban show for an urban show, a fucking pond, like you wouldn't believe they were coming. I swear to God, bro, but they were introduced me introduce me people as I can. So give it up for income. You know, black comedians don't fuck around bro would for incoming, you know, I mean, boom, get out the way.
So I was. They told me this, if you're going to say you're going to walk to the store, don't just say you're going to walk to the store. Black people don't don't you walk to the store. You've got to stay who you saw on the way to the store just to skip it. You walk it, you fucking moon walk to the store. What color was street? Was it was there a girl sitting on a coke? You hate to mention that shit with Rob Meskin selling fruit.
You know, a total of pocho on the way to the store. We will lose the audience because they don't know who the fuck you are. Yeah, so you got to paint him a picture, but you do it in Spanish. It reminds me of Reservoir Dogs if some nasty motherfucker sprayed diarrhea all over the bull. Yeah, exactly. At that point, I used to have a joke that I said. That I used to bring in girls to my house to have sex with them and my brother was sleeping upstairs on a bunk bed, so what I would have to make love to her like a prison inmate.
I got to cover her mouth. Shut shut the fuck up. You know, but when I would do that joke in the urban areas to look like he's doing or sodomizing a man joke, you know, a rape, a prison joke. So they told me, Phillip, are you're going to talk about what happened the way to your house? So I would say, yeah, man. So I bring this peace to my house, right. So I'm walking in my house.
I walk over my dad, you know, that. Get to my room. My brother's sleeping upstairs with his wife and baby. You know, you got to keep the motherfucker entertained. The American audience, where you you tell a joke and you want to make a joke, makes you do the Spanish. You tell them what fuckin what what side the train was coming from. What are the fucking school colors, you know what I mean? When you're at college, it was what was that Russian guy smell like or the demeanor or you got to keep that fucker entertained.
The Spanish audience, you lose, you go, God damn it, why isn't there some Mexican comic in Mexico City just going through who speaks English, just going through everyone's act and just murdering all of know Spanish, huh? I don't want to say a guy. I don't want to say I doing that. That's great porridge. Regis told me that he went to Mexico and he did his act and then somebody came up to him and told him, Hey, bro, how come you're doing all Apollos Act?
And Paula, Paula is a known comic in Mexico, like original standup comic, all his fucking stories are dirty and they're filthy. And I guess he had borrowed some Paul Rodriguez jokes, according to parties, agree to do the same when and when he was doing them all. You can say he even did my voice like it was like my boy with a character now would be unbelievable. Like, you know, I've done shows in like Switzerland and Finland.
Some guy could go out in front of me and already do my act and I wouldn't even know it. Then I'd come out there doing the same fucking shit disappointment. He came out and stole from the opening act. We just saw this fucking Americans. Now, what are they so dumb?
Tollywood. Go ahead. International comic named Paul Ogata. Paul Ghara is a Chinese comedian and he went to do a show in China in American English headlined The Comedy Store in China and Hong Kong and whatever. Right. He goes back over there. His whole lot is being done by three companies in Chinese and Taiwanese, and the killing living with it thought that Tony was Tony. What's going on? Tony was called me and he goes, it's like the middle of the night.
And he goes, he's like, Burt, I'm in Australia. I said, Yeah, here's some motherfuckers doing our Tracy Morgan story. I said, Well, I think there's a guy because Tony was the Tracy Morgan story. Tony Woods is with me that night. And so it's me. It technically is me and me and Tony's story because it happened to both of us. It's from whatever perspective you hear from. And he goes, I'm in Australia and there's some motherfucker doing our Tracy Morgan story.
And he goes, and he's using Tracy Morgan's name.
Wow, international thievery and comedy is a genius idea why I always supporting this, because I think right now at this low level.
But it's funny and funny. Yeah, it's funny to it. Something funny about it, I don't know. It's just crazy that some guy in Poland is doing my act. Right.
It's because it's money we can't get. Yeah, well I tell you. Go there you go. And look in Mexico, if you dress up like a clown or like a cholo or any type of like a woman, dressing up like a woman is too big over there. And being a comedian, a straight man dressed like a woman and performing a standup act is not frowned upon. You know, it's normal. And a lot of the jokes are mom old mama jokes that we've heard globule jokes like here's a joke.
They might say, say, say, say the alphabet backwards under the old joke or whatever and or like whatever, you know, or backwards, as you say, to allow vaudeville, a lot of vaudeville, old school jokes, you know, on a Milton Berle stuff and a Milton Berle stuff. I love play on words. Oh, really? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know it's weird, but that's kind of like.
The evolution of comedy, but you would think that they saw, like American cinema, whatever, but we were talking about I think I talk to you about this, but we were just talking about how like comedy, why you have to keep going to the comedy clubs because the young comics keep you young just by being around them. Your your act is going to stay, you know, in 20, 20 will be in 20, 20. And it's just like music where if you take five, six years off, which is usually enough time for music to change, like comedy change is enough where you're a little sluggish up there.
And if you go longer than that, like back in the day when I used to see guys who had sitcoms that made it into syndication and they just sort of stopped doing their act because it was so much money to be paid. When they came back to the clubs, it was like they were they were playing like hair, metal or disco. And everybody had moved on to whatever mumble, rap, whatever was going on right now, you know.
So I think that may be because stand up for whatever reason. It's so fucked up that stand. I know it started here, but it's just so weird that a lot of comedy is early on. And so many of these countries where people are going through so much shit that there's more comedy there, I feel the more you struggle, it's more comedy. Maybe it's because of oppressive leadership. They don't want people up there shitting on them or whatever.
Like when you talk about that Korean guy talking about the supreme ruler, he's not talking about a higher power is about the dictator. Right? Am I crazy?
Yeah, I forget. I forget the guy's act. But it was like there was a phrase that he kept saying over and over again that was like hot because I Googled it. I didn't get it. And they're like, no, you cannot say what he's saying is like he's the edgiest motherfucker in Korea. Yeah.
I mean, it's not like he's just going to get canceled. He's going to get. I bet.
I bet. I bet. I bet. Welcomeness in Mexico. Yeah. It's just not I look like they're like there's a comedian that came to America because he was canceled in Mexico, Platania to the guy that the clown el-katatney to because there was some church, some school burned down. Right. Because of bad wiring that they would use cheap equipment for that school. Like everything was done cheap. They cut every corner. And the comedian made like a reference to like a play on words like KFC.
He said, yeah, this my Kentucky Fried children, you know. You know, this is more like KFC. You know, something like that will burn.
But for that, he didn't just get it went viral in Mexico, but. Well, but his joke was really calling attention to the point that these kids burned down and nobody really gives the hell about it because we're focusing on something else. But they look more like he didn't give a shit about the kids burning and he's making a joke about it, a joke about it. But he was calling attention to the fact that the school of thought real cheap, but nobody got their point.
They canceled him and he had to go work in the United States. What do you make can you say like it was, can you say like Maddigan and like that so you can call people gay and be like so this money goes walking on the street. I'm like a jingle B boy and he's like and he's like, oh that I am. So yeah. And you, you can still do that on the set does it on television. He was doing a television Monday through Friday but I was on his show and we had to make people laugh, OK, they had a glass of milk and they had to split the milk out if you made them laugh.
I did my arteriogram laugh. He goes up just like a clown because they say that women breathe from two places, the mouths and from down here because I want to put my hand down. There she goes.
I got a heated on television and a girl that goes spit out her milk, he won. And then there was another joke where LeBron James make me laugh, but it's made me laugh.
But with milk in the mouth, that's fucking genius. That's different. This is different. We got milk this milk in the tank. LeBron James had a finger up his nose. Right. And we had to say something funny about it. Right. LeBron James had a finger up and nose playing basketball. I said, a joke isn't a laugh. This other girl said a joke. I got to laugh. The host of the show said, Hey, what are my sisters?
My like, he's Spanish. Come it better to be a man away to say that his finger, one of my fingers, my sisters, my life and everybody's dying. He get away with a fucking pussy. So what about. So what about like Asian people. Are there people making jokes about Asian people or black people or like not really. In Mexico, they make fun of Native Americans, like really the Native Americans that are Mexican, like a hot car.
And those little Indians, they're really derogatory jokes about them. And I got to lie about my mom when they were our house was dirty. Like whenever she came home from somewhere, she she was constantly pinching your psyche that pretty much all this fucking house looks like a fucking Native Americans house. It is fucking filthy. And she will say that on a regular basis. But then I would look at her and my grandfather is Native American. He's he was dancing with fucking beads on his fucking feet of Mexico selling cheese.
door-To-Door Hey, any comics, any comics down in Mexico do topical stuff about politics or some of the drug cartels? You just you just stay away from that shit, man. I don't know. I don't know that many Mexican comedians, just the ones I met who are like. Not there, like they don't have TV credits, but I never. Plus, when I first saw a Mexican comedian, it was this one guy. I don't want to I don't know a name right now, but he wears glasses and he had a really straight, long hair and he wears a striped shirt.
He looks like Nirvana. Oh, Rodrigo Martinez. I don't know, maybe like three specials or Hitler. Fuck, I can't do anything right now. But that's where I am. Martinez No, his name is. I don't know his name, but he has long hair. He's very popular, Mexican was also here in America. But when he was talking in Spanish, I mean, everybody was laughing. But I don't understand a fucking word, bro.
Oh, I didn't get it. So when I didn't get it and he was talking, his Spanish was well educated, he was saying words that would be above my grade level, you know, and I think that's what motivated me, man. If I'm thinking if I don't get it, half of my neighborhood I grew up with doesn't get it. And we all speak Spanish. So I said, you know what, not to do a fucking Spanish special for the motherfucker.
Don't get this shit.
Yeah, it's like it's like I when I was in Scotland with Patrice, we watched a bunch of Irish comics and like British comics and Patrice would just sit there with that look on his face like. Any any wordplay, any wordplay, if be like. The. There's this guy and this guy Burns Patrice, hit me on the leg, guy's very, very funny. It burns very funny. Patris goes. He's about to tell the biggest joke in England right now.
And I go, OK. And he goes, I want you to watch me not get it really goes. They told me about this joke earlier. This is the biggest joke. And dude, it got a round of applause like I never heard. And the joke was it's not a bad joke, actually a shopping. And I was shopping for beds with my wife. The woman showed us a big bed. I said, it looks like you could sleep three.
And that's all me said. And the place went fucking nuts. Right, because it suggests he's got a threesome and Patrice Nexavar just doesn't. Just look at it like touching other people, you like that, you like that. And it was but it was a cool dude we hung out with. But that one joke I know, man. My first love in Montreal, there was this guy killing a man, the British, and he was like his whole bit.
And I will have to follow, like, follow him, you know. But I did good, but I couldn't follow him because I kept thinking about how stupid joke was and how fucking funny I was, how ridiculous funny it was and how I think of this shit. He just had a fucking suitcase and a man with a price tag on it.
I've seen that, dude. Fucking destroyed, I lost. Everybody had their papers and everybody we all had a good laugh, but then they all went home and my bad. And every time I go in my back there a time for I under my nose of a time like there are the ones that make us.
I remember Ed Burns had a joke that Patrice and I were shitting ourselves over and no one was laughing. No one was laughing. It was me. He was watching me. Going back to the future. You know, at some point you think that Lorraine Michael J. Fox's mom, that that his dad would look at her across the table goes, are is you sure you didn't fuck that at Calvin Klein? Boy, because our son looks exactly like the grape joke is a great joke.
The other one. The other one that was great. This one comic, someone told me this shows are great. There's so many great British comics. There are so many great British comics. Geiger's I walked into I walked into the movie Schindler's List about five minutes, five minutes late. I looked at my friend.
I said, what did the Jews do that Hitler did? I saw there's a British Canadian comedian. His name is Stewart Stewart. And you saw Francis. And this was a joke because he was stupid joke. So fucking funny. You never know how far a Frisbee gets to hits you. I remember the first time my dad took me fishing, I said to myself, well, and that's a long swim back to the shore, and it keeps bringing up this job over and over, over and over and over and over.
At the end he goes, I went I went out on a first date. My dad took us. My dad couldn't swim. He kept going over and over and over like that. Take some trick or treating Halloween either stupid costumes like everyone. They're wet, you know. That kind of shows I look at what I like also that Jason Rousse guy with a great idea that subtextual got Dambrot. Is that that's what I would I'd love to speak Spanish.
I'd love to go down to Mexico City and watch comedy like it would be fascinating to me to see it. You know, there is no way you two guys are just go over there and say in English, like, like. They know who Bill Burr is, like the order protected his jokes, even though, you know, like anybody does of Goldberg jokes, these Mexican comedian. No, that will be. They don't feel, you know, they're young and old, they know mystical comics.
No, but I go down there, I wouldn't draw anybody. I don't think how hard you'd kill with just some antemortem in Mexico. If you go to Mexico City, I guarantee you'll start out with 100 seater with English speakers. I mean, listen, I've been wanting to go to Mexico City because I'm a Formula One fan and they have this race track that goes through an old minor league baseball park. And you can sit in some of the grandstands.
It's like a chicane and you go through and I've just been wanting to do that if I can. And then and every rock band that I'm a fan of, when they play Mexico City, you can just tell the experience they have are just all in Latin America. But I've seen AC DC in South America and I just compare it to like the vibe here in L.A. where everybody's so over everything. Like it must feel like a matinee gig to them compared to one million Guns and Roses went down to Mexico City.
And the first time in this past tour, I just was looking at all the tweets and it all just kind of like, wow, like we've had crowds into our shit. That was a completely different level. So there is something I find it so interesting.
I mean, and I know that this is probably not as accurate as I think, but to do comedy for everyone that is the same looks alike and is the same ethnicity, you know, that that like imagine doing comedy in Korea if you're Korean, it's from that builds from that book.
Flyboy's is where only Japanese people, because you have so many, if you go into cities, you're kind of going to get a mixed bag.
Yeah, but it's fascinating. Imagine just doing a show for, like, just white people. One of those probably I mean, oddly enough, it's probably what you end up getting a lot of the times, but just white people. But all their experience, which is they're only being a white person around white people and they don't really have like like you said, because I was like I was like, no one's there. So why would you talk about black people?
There's no they're not. They're. You know what is exciting now, Burt, is just because everybody's all Mexican and all Korean, they don't have the same experience.
So there's going to be the same subsets of of type A, type B, conservative liberal, born with money, born not with money and money lost in fucking hit the lottery.
That's going to be a mechanic, a doctor. There's going to be all that different type of shit. That's what I learned when I went and I started doing the uptown runs. When I first went in there, it was total culture shock. I was just like, this is a room full of Patris, right, Patrice?
If he never left his neighborhood and then after doing them for like six months to a year, I started seeing people going, oh, that guy's like Burt or that guy reminds me of my brother. You start to see people, which is a great thing. That's another great reason to do it is rather than seeing a roomful of whatever you actually see individuals. And then within that you see people like, OK, this guy is doing this, this person's doing that, that woman's doing this.
Like that would happen right. When you first go in, I think it would just be like, you know, it was an all Mexican, but I thought he was really interested in my point. He just froze up. I get it. It's like when I was I got the opportunity to tour with Mike Epps and Ricky Smiley earthquake. And those are three of the big F like a Bruce Burness Comics, DC Curry and man, I never in my life had to go.
I never thought I would have to follow a comic that gets a standing ovation, followed by a host who's killing and getting to know basis while hosting. I mean, Ricky Smiley is in a whole different level of man like this guy. If he's hosting it with a bucket eight game man because he's looking at the crowd, Roland mad, he goes on because I'm outside of the club, I think on my blog and the whole audience, I mean, two thousand people, I tell you, I would never stop I would never stop the media for.
Yeah, we used to have a guy like that in Boston where he didn't host the show. We just took breaks from killing this guy, Kevin Knox. And guys would meet up afterwards and they'd say, what you do tonight, you be like, I was on Knox's show and then and it was what bit did you have to follow his Star Trek? That is not not the skiing joke because he just had no worries and he killed in their own way.
And like it was just like you had to learn. You literally had to learn. How to kill when I don't know what it's like in Boston now, but back then it was just like guys tried to like tried to blow you off the stage. And they used to have this whole thing in Boston where they were so protective of the territory that if they brought in a national act came in, they would put like three like just clean up headers in front of them and they would just destroy, which just like local reference shit.
Oh, man. Like Colin Quinn, I think is the only guy or like a Brian Regan like those are the only two guys I have ever heard that ever survived that gauntlet. Like they like those guys. They respected them, they survived it. But there was like I like legendary stories.
I can't say the names because I mean, I wouldn't have survived it. But a really funny people going in there and we've all experienced that. You go on the road and it's that guy, oh, look at this guy. This guy definitely is going to be over in Roosevelt tonight. You like what the fuck is Roosevelt? And everybody's losing their minds and it's just nothing but references. You don't fucking understand. This is my crazy and everybody. You just gotta remember Pookie, the barbershop.
And you just stand back there feeling like I know I speak English, but I don't think I speak the same English as these people. And you get in your head and you have to get that out. And just immediately go up there and be like, yeah, I flew in today, you got to do that just to remind them I'm from somewhere else and have them forget about the local reference headliner that they put in a feature spot. Yeah, we didn't say when this special comes out, comes on September 1st on Netflix two specials, that decisions decisions decision is I can't wait to watch this and it'll be out.
I can't wait to watch. I keep saying, hey, this is on a bus for a month. I can't I can't wait to watch it. Philippe's. It's so I watched the trailer, do you really are you really are one of the one of the best comics in our business. I have one of the best joke writers, but one of the best storytellers. The way when you get when you pull me into a story, I really feel like I'm there.
I feel like I feel what I feel like. I feel like we're in the backyard. And you just described us all because inside the cooler and you're just telling me a story this.
I also think you've got a big acting career ahead of you, but you probably have to take a major pay cut from your standup gigs after these two specials come up.
Yeah, man, Tom Cruise, I'd love to do that movie, but not only would it be funny, like you meet the fans after the show, they would tell you what movie should be in with Robert DeNiro and you should be in a movie together. No, it's a bro. I am six foot one, two, three pounds. The No work, five, five, four. The only way I'm going to be in a movie with him if he's shooting me or I'm dying because in his hands or a bit of live with a rock, you know, I just want to roll, you know.
The fucking rock crashed his airplane in the jungle. He walks into a bar. He's, you know, he's looking for a fucking pilot. I'm looking for a guy named Rumpole's. I come out of the fucking bar with four kids, shit days and slob and somebody's like, come in shit. That's our name. I haven't heard it. Twenty five years. If they're looking for a pilot, let me find my plane. There's always a jumble of Pablo Escobar.
He never fucking paid me. I get the plane. You know, something like that. I'm just here for like five minutes out, get my check, get my photographs and go home. All right. I got one for, you know, what scene I want to do on a movie. I want to be that dude getting chased down the alley by the cops. And you get to the chain link fence and you get halfway up and then they grab you and you get to be like you have a police van fucking handcuffed.
You can be a fucking rat ratting people out. I know.
I know my. But I got to overturn a trash can towards that chick.
I want to be I want to be in a mansion in the hills smoking crack while three guys sit on a couch trying to buy coke from me with an Asian guy throwing fireworks.
Yeah, that's that's a Rick Springfield is a friend of mine.
I got AIDS.
Oh, and how you, like, lied USC fights fights in your living room because you do a lot of those random guys like that at the next show. You ready for the next show. I got it. All things comedy, new television show. We just put it online. Fuck it. We'll do it online. It's called Scene Stealers and it's comics getting to recreate their favorite scenes, a movie that they get to star in. So we get to pick are like it's almost like we make our perfect acting reel so so that casting directors can see us.
And what we think we can do now is just do it verbatim.
Do you swear to write you? I will. I think you do it verbatim, but I'm never going to remember lines. So I'll add things to my I'll make my character more interesting. I want to show them what I can bring to it.
Did you ever see Sean Payton, Paul VASI and Giannis Poppa's did the Billy bad scene, but they did it as comedians. No. Oh, yeah, and the guy playing Billy Bazza, I knew this guy and doing open mics and vs. going like, hey, I know if you heard I don't do open mikes anymore. I don't know open mikes anymore. It was like a total Goodfellas scene. Good one. Yeah, it was fun.
And the way they shot it, it's fucking incredible. So I had to throw that out there. Before we start pitching, I want to come in here. Don't you think I stole your joke? You laughing at me?
You know, they did a whole series and I was going to do one where I was going to be the bald dude and Top Gun. And basically to remember you two characters are going to talk and basically the headliner somehow couldn't make the gig. So it'd be like you two Middle X are going to close the club. Anyway, I think we're getting up against it here. We got to read some advertising. Bleep. I am so fucking happy this is happening for you.
I'm so psyched that you got to sing before the coronavirus and all this shit really are one of the best guys out there. And, you know, and as a person do you're fucking right. Yeah. You're playing with your titties and the accordion. What is it called. Bad decisions. How do you say in Spanish? My last decision is Marlise is already out by the time this airs.
Tuesday, September 1st is if you don't know about you, you've got to get to know this guy. This guy. He's amazing. So, Philippe, thank you so much for coming on. And I hope this this takes you to bigger and better. Thanks for having me. A birthday gift for you for two of these comedy, providing a place for us to do our shit without getting ripped off and keep it always being a nice guy with with me and everybody else.
Man Thank you. Oh, absolutely. No funniest thing you ever said. First of all, I'm not trying to be I am a fan. But when you did the roast of Tracy Patricia Neal, that. Oh, you're good. That's hilarious. Oh, God. That was one of them. Right. When you said could you destroy this was. Oh, my God, what I said. And then Birdman, your your stand up, your fucking Netflix special.
Amazing, bro. We do your show like you did the toy doing the driving, bro, I, I copy a lot from you bro. I mean not better your jokes but everything you do business wise. The swimming pool I'm afraid. My quota. I got me a treadmill, I got a fucking sun are also up but I got her started to sorry about your dog also and I didn't get to check in yet but no chickens here but they get so cool.
I just need a big family but I'll get there.
All you gotta do is do a dance video like me and Tom did a dance video special.
I want to get there bro, but I have like extra layers right now.
I got a six pack with a couple of forty dancers open.
All right, Philippe, as far as a bad decisions and what else is it called, I already forget all decision is so I can feed them.
Well, thank you so much for coming on. We shouldn't be.