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Hey, everybody, how are you doing and welcome to another wonderful episode, if I can talk this week of the Bell Earth Pod cast.
What's going on, dude?
I love that they make cigar clippers that have a back for the savages that don't know how to a cigar that they've got.
They've got like a wall in the back seat. Can't go too deep because it's just supposed to cut the tip, the little nipple off and some fucking idiots go, dude, talk about fucking idiots. One of the guys on my tour that my cameraman killed, I caught him one time. He goes, Oh, I don't want the whole cigar. I'm just going to break it in half like water.
Wait, how is he going to do it? Break in half where the just take the cutter and then cut it in half and I don't know how that works, just as I said, just spoke half the cigar and he goes, but don't waste it. I know you're wasting it. If you cut in half, then you've wasted it. You've wasted a cigar. Yeah.
And then save it. And then when you want a half a cigar later, just buy him another.
I'm going to start getting nubs because he's gone through good cigars and been like, why don't we just split this and it's not a Subway sandwich.
This isn't Jersey Mike's fucking cigar.
That is that is a thing that you learn early on in your your cigar smoking, that if you show up to a party, you know, and people find out you got some smokes, the amount of fucking casual smokers, they're going to show up say that, you know, I look at, my God, do you smoke cigars? And they always say, yeah, and then they slobber all over. Where did you go, man?
I'm reliving my childhood, dad. Like you like my pants. I love I like to have to do. You looking very chilled. You look good. So happy to be home. You have no fucking idea. It's written all over your face. Dude, you look great. So you get to a party and all these guys show up. Because I think everybody in on some level likes the idea of smoking a cigar until they do it right. So then I have your box.
You look in the ashtray and they're just like a third done ones, like all chewed on and slobbered on. That might be like a guy who's trying to cut down. I've never understood those guys. Oh oh. To walk around and have it in their mouth and they suck on it like a pacifier.
You know who I don't understand. I don't understand people that go, oh, I love cigars. Let me take a HitIer cigar. I'm like, no, no, no. This is like a woman. I can't share this with you. You can't I can't give you my cigar. You suck on it for a little bit and then pass it back. I'd rather share a dick with you in prison than a cigar.
You went big in there, but I know what you're trying to say. Oh, man, you you you sent me on a fucking. Internet. The spider web downward spiral of shit I'd want to buy.
Oh, oh, the hashtag guy if I wasn't married. I got some stories dude I had a surprise reaction from my lovely wife. Really? Well, I showed her that RV and I said, let's and I go, I got I have to confess something. I go, I put a bid on this thing for a grand she because you what? I go, yeah, I put a bid in and I just kept making this face like I put a bid in on it.
So she goes, where are we going to keep it? I go, you know, this is a garage. This garage is out Pasadena. This stuff in the valley. You know, I could take you out to watch that fucking park. Everybody always wants to go out to Joshua Tree. Joshua Tree.
I can take you out to Joshua Tree and all of that stuff.
She does. How much is that going to cost to fix it's a piece of junk like going over the body straight, it looks so good. Dude, I just I didn't put a bid on it because I just wanted to watch her lose her shit and then she just sort of caved and was like it was OK.
Now, I don't know what to do, but because now I'm just sitting there going like, I don't need a twenty six foot truck that I have to deal with in my truck to get a license, a special license to drive that. They don't just let you drive that down the street. Twenty six feet texting while driving is coming down, it is the it is the actual car from Stripe's, it is the actual one.
Yeah. So and she woke up this morning and she goes, can we look up New ARV's? Because she doesn't think I bought it yet. I have actually put in a thing for but it's just like I don't know. Do I have other. I just look at that, that's something I could do to put like a down payment on something in aviation, because that's what I want to do, because I'll tell you, Friday and Saturday, the first time in two and a half years, I had the time with the pandemic to do enough training to solar.
And I soloed both days. And I got to tell you, man, I've never been so relaxed. I never had so much fun. I never had so much confidence. I went to uncontrolled airports, controlled airports, did pad work, practice and all this stuff, everything short of like auto rotations, which, you know, you've got to get to a certain level. I almost think you almost you need some sort of certification to just do one of those on your own.
I mean, I guess you could, but to practice. But like my instructor just said, a lot of things can happen when you're even if you're simulating one of those. So don't do those.
But I'm like, OK, so but I. I had this amazing, amazing, two amazing flights and things came up during the flight, I was able to handle the radio stuff, traffic and that type of stuff, and I knew what to do. There was one thing that this guy said at Burbank, and I just, you know, you got to have no ego. I just want guys like Burbank Tower. I don't know what that means because that means I see you at the what is the one 70 in the five or something like that, because he just said a bunch of numbers and I was like, what does that some military frequency?
What the hell was that? He was just saying that because he had me ident, which means you just flash on the radar so they can watch you. And he was talking to two highways and what was it, a five and the one 18 or something like that. I forget what it was. So I know the other pilots were laughing, but also they say, well, that's what you're supposed to do.
That is just go I don't know what the fuck you're saying. I don't know what that means. My ego would get in the way. I'm certain my ego would get in the way of my safety now.
That's the great thing about being self-deprecating. I've always enjoyed being self-deprecating. It shortens the trashing when you agree with it, you bald orange mother fiyaz fucking I'm a mess. I brush my teeth with my head down and then it's over.
If you put your shower again, at least it is my face. It just keeps going. Yeah. You just own up to your bullshit. Yeah, I'm a fat fuck. I mean, yeah I like Oreo cookies. What can I say. Maybe I would be good at that at being like go. I don't know what you're saying because I am, I do. If I, if I don't know what a word means. I had a friend, Maurice Golson, his name is we call him Mucho.
And the one thing I learned from him growing up is important to the story.
You just want to let us know that just. Yeah, just throw it in. I love that detail. I love it. I love this nickname, which it's such a great fucking nickname. All right. And so. So his English wasn't his first language. He's fluent in English, but it was like if you said a word that he didn't know, he'd always just go. I don't know. I don't know that word means. And then I remember I wasn't that way.
And I was like, why do you do that? And he goes, Why would I pretend to know what the word means when I don't know what they're saying?
What I did it all the time. I do that in books. I read a book and not know what the word means and I'll just go. I mean, something smart about empathy, I guess.
Now saying I don't know is a good thing. Yeah, definitely is a is a good thing. So. I tried to do it, I got a crazy story and I went, I try to do a show down and I'm going to say where it was because who knows who's right and who's wrong or whatever was done along the coast here in California. Yeah. And I went down there, dude. And when I tell you I showed up and it was jam packed with people, nobody wearing masks.
And I swear to God, I saw baby, I swear to God there was a baby. I can't confirm it. I just saw that it was too much to take in. Yeah. It was like I stepped it back in a time machine. To Jan and I showed up. And all the comics were wearing masks. I was just like, do what? And I was peeking over the fence. I was like, what the fuck is going on out there?
They go, Yeah, I do. This is a different world.
So, look, the lady, the club owner, sweetheart of a person comes out offering food. She's talking to me. She doesn't have a mask on. And she's like talking like right here.
And it's like I got the baby, I'm traveling soon, I just got tested that day because I have to do my tour and I got to make sure I don't have it. I don't wanna give it to pilots. I don't give it to anybody. So I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm like, where's your mask? And she's like, oh, she's like, are you from L.A.? And I knew she was going to do that.
I go, No, I'm from Massachusetts. She's like, You came all the way out here from Massachusetts to do this. And I go, Now you ask me where I'm from. I live in L.A., but I'm from Massachusetts. She goes, all right. She goes, I'll put a mask on. I go, Thank you. I got a kid. So she comes back out, she has a mask on, and every time she goes to talk, she pulls it down, going like, no, no, no.
It's very safe out here. You understand? We're at the beach. We have a breeze down. She puts it up and I go, Ma'am, I can hear you through your mask and. When she said the breeze thing. It's just was just like, oh, you guys are just making up shit down here so you can just continue to live your life, the funny thing to do is you could still smell the smoke from the from the fires out here.
And I saw this giant bonfire on the beach. These people were having it's like it's not enough that God lit one with lightning is a whole mountain on fire. That's not enough for you. But I need my own fire. And I thought I was.
I left there and I could tell you without a doubt, if I went to Vegas and if there's a line on Trump and Biden, I take all my chips, I'm pushing it. And on and on.
On Trump. Oh, God, yes. I was. I flew. I flew yesterday. I flew back from Atlanta to L.A. It's the first time I've been in the airports. And yet everyone had Maslon know, even on the plane, everyone kept their mask on the plane. But yeah, I mean, I went to the Crown Room to like the Delta Crown Room and people, they were socially distant and people had their mask off at their table, like eating or drinking.
I got a cocktail and I had mask up here. I'd lower it, take a sip, put it back up, and then just burp whiskey into my nose, so disgusting. Just just hot boxing whiskey.
But but the level of respect you have for your fellow man, because my big thing is like, look, I'm not a scientist either. So I listen to what the CDC says. And just my thing is like, you know, if I'm wrong. Worst case scenario, you breathe your own breath, which, you know, isn't healthy, but who's kids who were also smoking cigars? People eat fried food and fuckin ice cream. So it's not like we're all a bunch of health nuts.
But if I go the other way and I'm wrong. You know, somebody's grandparents could die like small businesses, go out of business corporation, stay in business, and then it all becomes one giant Wal-Mart. So I don't know. But whatever I mean, that's how little I respect that. That's how they do it. The lady was a sweetheart down there. I really liked her. I really appreciate the for the food. But I didn't do the show.
I was just like, I'm sorry, I don't want to be a part of this. I respect I respect this is what you guys want to do. You guys think you're right? I don't think you're right. I don't want to do this. I think you're wrong. Lab coat out there. It's interesting, too. I I'm obviously I'm not the fucking greatest person, but because of the pandemic and because of people losing their jobs. And I've been weird about spending money because I was going to fly private home.
I was I was going to spend the money. So I've been doing a TV show. I'd earn money. I was going to fly private home and I just could not bring myself to buy the tickets fucking money. I couldn't I it was like it was thirty thousand dollars. And I thought I that's such a tremendous waste of money. I was like, I've got I mean, I'm in my head. I'm like, that's such a I'm not that not to shit on people flying private.
I understand. I have a lot of friends that do it exclusively. I get it. If you can spend the money and you're making the money, that's great. But I just thought it was such a let them eat cake kind of way.
I don't know what that means.
Maria, I think was Marie Antoinette said they said the the the the people, the poppers in the street or don't have any meat. She goes, well them just let them eat cake like she was just so disconnected. Oh yeah. I'm like how poor people why they don't let me just have the dessert then and instead of like this they definitely don't have cake either. Marie by the way. I mean, I don't think you're sitting there. Yeah.
You know, turn it on the kitchen there.
But but I just thought I literally thought to myself that I what a silly waste of money. To fuckin I couldn't do it, I couldn't do it, I really genuinely couldn't do it and I wanted to, I really wanted to. And I had been working for forty seven days straight. I felt like I it was my treat to myself. And at the last minute I was like, I'll just fly commercial. I was like, it's got to be safe, it's got to be safe.
And it lasts four hours. I have a mask on. The whole time I wipe down the whole area I, I limited my drinking. I didn't want to be like zero contact. I didn't I mean I poured it in a flat in a thermos. I just brought little bottles and I put I didn't get beers from the guy so but. It's just so weird, it's so weird to go through to this. I know obviously I don't want this to sound virtue signalling, but like to look at the guys doing T.S.A..
And I wanted to say thank you. I wanted to be like him. And you're like a necessary worker for us like that.
It's funny that Vertue signatures have ruined just common politeness. Yeah, yeah.
I feel like if you think somebody in the military, it just comes off like fucking like tripe. Like it doesn't mean thank you for your service. It's just like it's like you just say and you know, like a catchphrase almost at this point they're not right. That I will say though that during this pandemic. You know, I'm bringing my family back east for this run, so. I am going to fly private on that just because I have a baby.
You have a baby that makes total. I then added like a bunch of shows to pay because I was going to have the time off the nights off to be with my family, but instead I booked more shows to pay for. It is such a colossal. I still don't see. Like, because my age is just like, well, we'll just we'll book you more dates and that'll pay for the plane and then like yada, yada, yada, yada, and then I'm blowing out my voice more.
I'm not spending time with my family. It's just like that. That's another reason. Just wear a mask, do what they say, you know, just try to contain it as much you can as these brilliant people are working on a vaccine. And then I can go back to flying commercial because I love flying commercial. I like being I like being in a plane. I like being on a bigger plane, though. I like I like seeing people.
And you get bits, you get ideas. I like. And I actually you know, I'm not a big fan of huge airports, but I love airports. I kind of like and I like. I like flying commercial, I feel like it's the difference between riding in like a hatchback or being in a Cadillac. Know and I haven't I you know, I fly first class, but what the fuck, what do you want? Nice big seat.
I get a nice little meal, I meet people, you know, what time I flew first class, I sat next to Frankie Valli, I couldn't believe it. And the fucking guy was, like, in such great shape. He was incredible shape, dude, like zero percent body fat and do not tell you the flight was over the way this guy got up out of the chair like this guy's in his 80s. It was really like inspiring as a performer, going like, I want to be like this guy when I'm 80 miles requestion.
It's selling tickets, still flying first class and still on the flights over. Boom. I'm right up. Rick Springfield.
Nice, I had him on I had a season where we must have been on tour in the same cities every week, I saw him on every one of my flights to the point where I became friends with his tour manager. Like I ran into a tour manager a couple of times at the bar. I don't think Rick Springfield drinks, but I got to the point where I started seeing him and I like, nod to him like you again, huh?
And I just I wanted to I just wanted to get to the point where I could say that line from Boogie Nights when Jessie's girl comes on. Rick Springfield is a friend of mine.
Yeah, it's interesting, I. It's interesting, you know, it's so funny. I. I have a hard time like people, the big thing when we ended the show, the big thing people were doing was they were getting Black Lives Matter signs and then they were taking pictures with us with the Black Lives Matter signs. It was a it was weird because I. I definitely support Black Lives Matters now.
But there's there's a thing where they're just jumping in and then they're bringing you in and they're using you. Yeah. And I was like I felt I felt odd because because there are certain signs. I felt there are definitely signs I would not want to be in front of, you know. And I feel like I should just do that, but I didn't do it. It was a weird like this sounds so silly, but it wasn't a bullying thing.
But as I say, it's the same way I felt like on the day that you had the blacked out Twitter or Instagram and people were attacking you if you hadn't blacked yours out or if you were like me and you. Do you read comments? I didn't actually read the comments. You don't know what they're saying. That's that's that's the same. I, I, I disabled my comments on that day and because I didn't want to read them and I didn't want to, I don't know, I wouldn't have done that.
That's, that's a little more mosquitoes. A big like turning the lights out, going down in the basement as a big mistake but drowned out the hard way. Yeah.
Your silence is deafening. It's just it's such a weird thing to set your sayings are cliche. It's such a weird thing because. I don't know, it was like it was such a house, there's a bunch of pictures of me, there is the best one is like me and I think Snoop and a bunch of all the black people on set and the like Birkitt in this picture. And I was like, hey, man, I don't think you want me in your picture.
I told you many jokes in the past and that's where it seems like get in they go. Just, you know, this is the sign they're going to use. When I say something inappropriate about black people and they're like, well, then we want to be in the picture. Get the picture.
Yeah. It was it's it's so fucking good to be home. My energy is different, like I am like I am like I had a great forgot my pool player. I met my new dog last night was awesome. And the dog didn't know me. And we can we can show the people. Yeah, well, let me see.
Mac whistling Zolf Mac right out your mouth at that smoke. Yeah. He'll be back here in a second. I'll bring them in here. My daughter's picked me up at the airport last night. My daughter's got her own car, she's driving. It's like a fucking different it's a different world. It's a different fucking world. You know, my dog was back in town. Yeah, it's still technically it's like it's my dog. I just I just pay for the trainer to have it so it lives out the rest of its life.
It's a long story. It's a long story.
I took rescuing to a whole other level used that you had to joke about that that was so great about. I'm going to do your joke back to you. It rescued the dog, seems like a great idea until one day you're making toast and find out the dog was beaten with a toaster.
Yeah, what was the big problem you would have said when you're making breakfast and then you realize your dog was beaten by a toaster. That way, if you don't say toaster twice. Yeah, because then I don't know why. It just ruins it.
It's crazy. The little rules of comedy.
I'm just doing that for anybody out there who's just starting to write jokes. I don't know what that is, but it's almost like you opened the crack so they can peek in to see the punch line coming.
Yeah. Yeah, that. Yeah. You gave too much your magic trick away where they see it. I didn't work that time. I wrote a great new bit about smoking. That was that cracking a joke man bit was a joke when he told that story about the lion. He goes, there was a lion, I'm going to butcher this because it was a lion and he was taking a drink of water, right. And he bent over to take a drink of water on his tail, came up King of the Beast, you know, drinking the water.
All of a sudden a gorilla ran up behind him and he goes he gives him the old Liberace one stroke and takes off in lines like, what the fuck? And starts chasing a lion. So chasing the gorilla to the gorillas, running. And he's running. He's running. And he comes to this campsite and he looks into the tent. There's nobody in there. So he runs and he picks up a hat, he puts it on and he picks up The New York Times.
He starts reading it The Lion, and he comes in and comes right to the tent, opens it up, and he looks at he sees what he sees. He goes, Hey, buddy, because you see a gorilla run by here. And the gorilla goes, Oh, you mean that one that just fucked that line in the ass? And then the lion goes, it's already in the papers.
I know. I watched it, though, but Oakman talked about how he told the joke. He goes, I had to say he picked up The New York Times. Yes. And they said if he picked up the paper, I would have said that again.
And that's also why he said gave me the old Liberace, because if he said fuck the line in the ass, that's also when the punchline and I bought you that because I said he looked in and he he asked the gorilla. That's why I had to say, hey, buddy, because I fucked that part up. I stink at telling street jokes that.
Can I tell you that that just made me so happy because. I have heard that joke before, but I forgot it and I forgot it and gave me old Liberace and I went, I know this joke, I love this joke. But I couldn't remember what I loved about it because I told it to you.
That's Jackie, the joke man's way of telling it. He was not Gilbert Gottfried podcast. And dude, he was just one after the other and then Gilbert was matching them. If you can ever find that episode, dude, we were in Canada, meet Bartnick in Jersey and we were just dying. Laughing It just just st- jokes. They're the best men there, so they just there's no fat on it unless I tell one and then I add all these extra words that don't need to be there.
That's amazing. That's that I, I tried my last special to write a joke joke. Like, I wanted to write a joke, but I did it my own way, you know, instead of a guy walks into a bar, it was based on Norm MacDonald. It was as I walked into a coffee shop, I walked into Starbucks. I did it in such a three and then the punchline wasn't the punchline you thought it was going to be, but I would love to be able to write a joke like that, like it's in the papers, like you who write some, because I know, like back in the day, I used to work in this warehouse and I used to do the second shift.
I forgot what time was like from five to to midnight or whatever the hell it was, or four to midnight I think it was. And there was a guy there going through a divorce. So he was had a second job. Yeah. To help pay for wherever he was living now. And he used to have all these street jokes. I was like, where do you hear this. You go salesman. He was always on these sales calls. I call these guys down in New York, you know, talking to the salesmen and they just knew these jokes and then that they were the guys I don't know who wrote them, but the guys who used back in the day before.
You know, everybody had a laptop with the computers and all of that shit, how the jokes went around with salesmen calling each other and just just sort of breaking the ice when they call each other, you know, getting to know each other, you know, two guys walking to a bar above and all that shit.
And it's interesting because. Don't stop me, just let me finish what I'm about to say, you're one of the best comics I know with hands down, but do you think you could write a joke to put in your act that people are different than, like, the way your brain thinks? Can you think you could write lines to you? Like, how how would you.
You'd have never tried that. I think it would take me it would be just like when I first sat down to write material. You have the first time you're going to do an open mic and you're like, all right, I'm going to sit down and write something. And you there's no staring at the paper. Like, I've been funny my whole life. I've made people, but I was always on the fly. I like how do I. Do this, I would probably be that and then and then from there, I would see if I could do it, I don't think I could, but I actually think a lot of street jokes.
Came out of. Like racism, homophobia, anti-Semitism, religious stuff, I think back in the day with all the different ethnicities. They would just say how many policies it take to screw in a light bulb to one guy to hold on, the other guy to turn them around, and then that became then people would steal the jokes. How many Italians? And it was the same thing. And then I just think people kept building on those because those were those probably weren't funny anymore, because if you think of, like, a lot of the classic.
Street shops, a lot of them are sitting on a religion to priest and a rabbi goes in and it's like, all right, there's going to be something either shitting on the priests or shitting on being Jewish. You kind of know where that comes from. So I think a lot of that went from that. And then. I don't know then there's a lot of a lot of I would like animals in them. I remember Buddy Hackett told some fuckin story about I forget this guy instead of on a deck, he had an elephant trunk and there was something about he went over his girlfriend's house to have dinner and all of a sudden the trunk came out.
When they were passing the food around the trunk, just grab some food, went under the table, the girlfriend's mother was like, can you do that again in the guys? Like, yeah, I would, but I don't think I could fit another potato with my ass or something stupid like that.
And but I think that if they then became they were on they were also like sex. It was like racism, anti religion, homophobia and animal stuff. And, you know, I think they just all kind of came out of that. And then there was sort of probably like the formulas, you know, to priest and a rabbi. Then that becomes too gay to gay guys. You with two straight guys and a gay guy. You know, it's not how they worded it back in the day.
But I just think that it just kind of, you know, two white guys and a black guy who which probably is probably the joke has to stem from. If you work backwards, the it has stem from someone reading a paper, someone asking someone something and he goes, oh, you mean that? And he goes, is that in the paper? And then they laugh to each other. And then that guy said, All right, the punch line is it's already in the papers.
That's the punch line.
And then they walks like a cigarette. You have to know how it's going to end and then you got to know what you're writing towards. So and then all you have to do is you just have to disguise it so they don't they don't see it coming. But I just think the jokes got more and more sophisticated. And then over the years with racism, homophobia and all that stuff being frowned upon by mainstream media and you can get in trouble and all that type of stuff, I feel like racism and all that shit just went underground.
I think it got a little bit better, but I don't think. You know, like, you know, when you see that shit, all that horrible stuff, and World War Two, which essentially was a race war both in the Pacific and in Europe, right? Yeah.
If you go. If you see that the shit that people were doing to people like this, you can't believe that human beings could do that to other human beings. And just watching now with how. Just how hostile it is you just like we're not it really didn't go away as much as it's sort of like a dormant volcano, it hasn't erupted like or it's still in a live volcano, just hasn't erupted in 80 years. It's really Norm MacDonald was good at jokes like that.
And actually, by me saying that is bad, because I say it hasn't it hasn't erupted in 80 years because I'm just counting white people doing shit to other white people when I'm sure people in the Middle East would be like, I know that thinks that things are pretty good there, but yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, that's. I love good street jokes, I love good, I would I would probably. I wonder if that one I got another one, Jackie told me I can never tell it right. I can never tell it funny. What is it I can't do? I never do it right. A guy goes into a job interview. The interviewer says in the interview, he goes to tell me, he goes, what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Guys like my biggest weakness that I don't know, I I guess I had to say it's my honesty, your honesty. I don't think you're being honest. It's going to be a problem around here that goes, hey, buddy, I don't give a fuck what you think.
He doesn't so much better, but he doesn't suck because what he does is he yells and he goes, hey, by having a fuck what you think.
Yeah. I don't know, I suck at telling us it's hilarious, I'm a comedian, but I'm not good at telling street jokes. It's where the street jokes kind of just aren't. I would love. I wonder who the comic was that shifted because Buddy Hackett was a street show guy, right? Vaudeville.
My God, that guy was a we had a black belt in telling street jokes. He was unbelievable. That was the whole thing where people used to try to go with The Tonight Show. And you'd pray that he was the guest because it wasn't even what it was when they went to commercial. He would just start telling street jokes. But all of that stuff, like I guess he told that Aristocrat joke, which, you know, they always act like that's the joke comedians selling.
I had never heard of that joke tell the the documentary came out. But when they used to go to commercial, if you see any, you know, people watching this, you should know who Buddy Hackett is. But look up, Buddy Hackett. Johnny Carson commercial break in, at the very least, you'll find a clip of them coming back and Johnny Carson like crying, laughing, the band going nuts, the crowd going crazy. And you would start laughing just thinking about what you missed.
Yeah, and, you know, he go back to that joke, you know, I don't give a fuck what you think. Is basically like that's one of those things where you how you have. You know, if that's somewhere that came along, I'd be honest with me, hey, go fuck yourself and then you think, oh, that's like a good joke. So somebody says, be honest. And so you have sort of that like.
I don't know, like like the building blocks of that, and then you just have to have the misdirection right before the punch and then the whole setup.
Was on Jay Moore's action TV show when Barry Katz was the manager and my manager. Yeah, that was a great show on Barry said, Hey man, why don't you come down to the set and you can see them taping as I just moved to L.A. and I was with. Four girls, one of them was not attractive, and she was like, I think she played a lesbian lesbian, short haircut, a little overweight little not the most attractive, but three other girls.
Right. And this girl.
So we we come in Buddy Hackett's drinking out of his flask and he says, oh, I guess straight and fat and just not good at taking care of myself. Whatever. I'm just trying to cover your ass. It OK, go ahead.
I mean, I'm just telling you, I don't remember. I don't remember. She was friends of someone's friend. All right. And so Buddy Hackett, Simenon Flask. And he looks at that girl and he says, hey, buddy, all these girls here with you.
And he goes, you guys, she goes, I'm a girl. And he goes, oh. And then he looks at me and he goes, Are you a check to.
Oh, he had a tag. Wow. And I had a goatee and I was like, no man. And he goes, huh, OK. And he just kept talking. It was but he did all of that for the joke in it. It all probably was a joke. So he probably thought you didn't get it. Yeah.
Oh I was crying. Laughing. He was I met him a couple of times. He was really funny at.
You met him. Wow. Do you ever see it's a mad, mad, mad, mad world? Yeah, I watch that once a year because it's so good. I don't want to I don't want to just I don't want to just burn it out. I absolutely. He is so fucking great. Everybody.
The level of comedy, who's that fucking guy who's in it, he actually died young when he's like, Oh, I'm going, oh, I'm going, oh, I'm going to scream screaming as he's driving the car.
I'm going to kick the shit out. He's so fucking funny. That movie so funny. Even Keith Robinson likes it.
Even Keith Robinson likes that. What was the joke Buddy Hackett had about? Guy says, guys shooting the duck shoots a duck and it lands on his farmer's yard, goes up in the farmer's, got a shotgun and he goes, I guess that's my duck. And the farmer says, this is in my yard. And so it's my duck. And he goes, No, it's my duck. And he goes, All right. Farmer says, How about this will kick each other in the deck until someone taps out.
And that's how we decided to duck. It is. And the guy goes, Oh, it's your dog.
I fucking butchered that I know it's like we're comedians, I butchered everyone that I was I can't remember them. Yeah, I remember how they got. I would love to I would love to have like. OK, they have to check out what I remember one, yeah. All right, a guy. A guy goes down to the bus stop. And he seizes this woman, you know, she's just like she looks like she's really far along, right.
Really poking out and everything. So he comes up, he goes, he goes. So when's it do? And she goes, she goes, I'm not pregnant, you asshole, and he goes, because I wasn't talking about you, I was talking about the bus you affect.
Have have I told you that Norm MacDonald joke, what's his face told me that Ben Bailey told me that when he tells, Oh, I want to tell everybody who told it to me and tells it better.
Ben Bailey, I can hear Ben Bailey telling that. Good.
Ben Bailey tells a great story, DC Ben Kingsley, because those guys tell great street jokes.
Did I ever. I'm sure I did I ever tell you Norm MacDonald's joke about the dog, the the professor of logic? This is my this is my favorite joke. This is my this might be my favorite joke. And I've told this other places I'm going to clean it up a little because I've I don't want to make Naum sound bad, but. Norm is in his in his apartment building or whatever, and. Whatever he meets, his neighbor meets new neighbor, right, and the new neighbor says, Hey, Norm, how are you doing?
He said, Good, he said. Norm said, welcome to the neighborhood. The guy goes up and says, What do you do? He says, Norm, I'm a professor of logic down at the end of this year.
Go ahead. I tell it, I love this job. I love this joke.
And he goes as professor of logic. What do you do? And he goes, Well, Norm, it's kind of hard for me to explain it. It's a little easier for me to show. And he goes, all right. He goes, Norm, you have a doghouse. And he goes, I do. You know, and logically, I can assume you have a dog. And he goes, I do. And he goes, and if you have a dog logically guessing, you probably are kids.
He goes, I do have kids, son. If you have a son and logically, I can assume that you're married. And he goes, yes. And he goes, then logically, I can assume that if you have a dog house, you're straight, white, male, and not because I am and because that's what I do. Norm and he goes. Interesting. So Norm goes down to the bus stop and sees another neighbor and he says, Hey, Norm, how are you doing?
He goes, Good, because you meet our new neighbor. Because I did. Because what's he do? Norm says he's a professor of logic at the university, I guess. What's that Norm says? Well, it's easier if I just show you what it is. And if I explain it to you because of a friend, you have a doghouses. I don't know what goes on. Then you're a homosexual.
Oh, I just love how long that setup is. I love it. All right, a little laugh when he goes. Well, it's easy for me to say that it is to tell you he gets a laugh with the little car back there, but just.
Now he's Norm MacDonald is so brutally underrated still. All right, it's Bud Light Seltzer, your new favorite flavors are here.
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Well, they are so frickin good. My bookie. My bookie. I love Mondays and Sundays. You know why. Two words. NFL action. I love Sundays almost as much as Brady used to love Sundays in New England, but now he's in Tampa, now he's in Tampa. And he's got only one thing to be excited about. That's Florida sunshine.
Oh, I feel like that was directly at me. Whoever wrote that, I'm reading this bill. Mission Accomplished. I'll tell you what, though, my bookie's got this whole online dating figured out, you sign up, you make a deposit and they will match you dollar for dollar so you can get some extra cash to play with. Plus, they've got all kinds of cash, prizes, contests and free bets. Turn in late tuned in late, didn't place your bet on time, don't even sweat it because they'll let you bet on the games live so you can analyze the game and then make your picks.
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They're not going to get a shout out. That's hilarious. They wanted me to read that. That's a great joke. Whoever wrote that. I love Sundays almost as much as Brady used to love Sundays in New England. That's great. All right, Hawthorn. I got my Hawthorn right here, Bill.
Let me say. Let me see. I got I got to go down to. Oh, wow, look at this, you open it up really nice. Wait a minute, OK, let's see the unboxing the kids on board and then you've got work and play my still reading here. All right. Do you wear Old Spice and Girls? Think you smell like their dads. Are you going to make the wrong kind of woman if she's attracted to that?
I was. And when I got to ninth grade, Shawn Hooker and Carmen Wazira turned me on to Cologne for the first time. And I think it's when you first started getting into chicks. And my first clones were the Kanawa and Obsession. And then I just am not a cologne guy because you go into the grocery, you go into the into the like Macy's, you go to the cologne and you just get overwhelmed. And you got to trust that the person that's helping you is the type of guy you want to smell like or the type of woman that is helping you likes that type of guy.
It's so confusing. That's why Hawthorns great. I went online. I took the survey. It was very easy. It asked me it was almost like taking a personality test a little bit.
I just love that somebody with the last name Hooker taught you about Cologne. And they sent me this amazing box of cologne. Right, based on my personality, based on me. And I've got work and play two different flavors. One for, you know, can I go to the store or work, come home a little play, you know what I mean?
You put on your little high karate in there with your Jeep Grand Wagoneer.
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Yeah, Eric, he held court. He held court one night right before the Trump election. He held court in the back of the Comedy Store with I want to I want to say Rogan's everyone's in there. I mean, everyone was in there and he. I mean, it was the hardest we had ever I've ever laughed. And it was just it was, you know, he does things I really think he does things to like troll you sometimes, you know, like.
OK, I think he pulled out a cigarette, just like normally snuff smoke is known, I mean, I've never tried it, though, lights it. And it just and even like Adam's like, he doesn't smoke. It's like he's doing it. You know, someone said someone said about me, they're like, you know, you're really silly. Leeann was saying, Burt, if you go somewhere with Burt, he's going to try to find something to make you laugh.
And it's like the real comic spirit is like Norm MacDonald, who everything is a joke. Everything is a joke. Yeah. Like to the point where like. When he made his apology on The View, he was eating mince. Do you remember that? Oh, I didn't know he was eating mints and you just like it's just such a I could watch. I could I really could would pay. My premium, I pay whatever they pay on Netflix to just have a nest cam and watch him in his house interact.
Do you have a follow on Twitter? He live tweets, golf. I mean, everything is just him trolling people, really trolling people like Colin does.
That controls people on Twitter. Collins had some of the great ones I love when he did the thing about. He said some huge fan. Because, you know, he said something like Led Zeppelin, such a great band, you know, it's a shame they never had any hits. And then, like, a thousand people are talking up.
This is back when people would fall for that stuff. But yet after a while, you got to get a little more. This guy's got a little more. But like he was one of my like early on, Colin Quinn and Norm MacDonald were two of my favorite people. On Twitter, as far as like they instantly. We're just like, this is the stupidest, most ridiculous way of communicating with people. You want to hear a good calling queen?
They were sort of the anti vertue signallers or whatever you call them.
This is my favorite Colin Quinn story, by the way. I barely know Colin. I've hung out with him a couple of times, but before I for 20 years and I barely know him.
So don't worry about doing we're doing Triplette, my Travel Channel show, and we're in New York. And one of the kids there said, I've always wanted to do stand up comedy. And we were like, OK, well, as opposed to me writing him an act where I had the brilliant idea. I'll give him an IFB, right, and I'll have Colin Quinn tell him jokes to on stage. So Colin will tell them the joke and then he'll say the joke.
And so we're like, this is going to work perfect, Collins. And we're all there. And we said we should probably test out the IFB, see if it works. And we're like, OK, let's do it like a dry run. So me and the kid go in the hallway at Gotham and Colin is in the green room at Gotham and he's got the microphone into the kid's ear. So Colin says, all right, say I'm the audience, the kid's doing stand up.
This kid's got the microphone and he goes, KONGOS. All right. Say, how's everyone doing tonight? He goes, How's everyone doing tonight? It's just me and him. And he goes, No, Gilberton, go, wow. I guess we got a bunch of Prophage projects, failed wrestlers in the audience. What's up with this guy? And he starts making fun of me. But the kids hearing Colin make fun of me and he's crying, laughing.
He can't repeat anything because Colin's destroying and Colin's not stopping because he doesn't know the kids laughing so he's just tearing me apart. And the kids, like, go back to the first one, go back to the first one. Colin comes out because goes that word, good to go. It didn't work at all. The kid couldn't talk because you had him laughing so hard. That's awesome. Yeah. Colin's a fucking hit man. I it's so funny.
I remember tough crowd as it reminds me of me spending time with George as when she was a baby because I would get on the road. I would, I would, I would DVR all Chappelle Show and all of tough crowd. So I would have Thursday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, locked and loaded for Monday morning when I heard Tuesday morning when I was home with George on Monday morning and I would sit with Georgia and put her like, you ever put your baby in your lap like this, like you cross your legs and the baby's blood goes right here and there is right here.
I exactly pride that I do lay down on the couch, knees up, and I just let him sit on my legs like a recliner.
OK, that's smart. I know. Now I'm going to try your way. Oh yeah. It's great to have the hip two and then and I'd have a cup of coffee and I'd watch tough crowd and I would cry. I remember one time laughing so hard.
And I can tell you the joke, it was because Georgia fell asleep in my lap and so I couldn't laugh out loud and the laugh made me start because I didn't want to wake her up. I couldn't stop laughing. And it was Bobby Kelly saying to Colin says something about Bobby being a Puerto Rican. And Bobby goes, I'm not Puerto Rican. Only goes, I don't know, is it really check the mirrors in your house and cotton and Bobby goes, Colin, I'm Irish.
My name's Bobby Kelly Congos. Yeah. You and Shaquille O'Neal.
Was they have bobbies sitting on a time out chair or something, and and I was doubled over.
And there was some great ones on there. There was. With Patrice and Ralphie Maveron oh, and Patrice was teasing Ralphie for being fat. Which is just ridiculous in itself. That was great, the classic. Geraldo, it's sucks, man, I just named three people and they're all gone now. Nick DePaulo was amazing on that show, Nick DiPaolo Norton. I mean, those guys were on it almost like every day, so the level of like, you know, writing and all of that stuff, well, Patrice used to wing it.
I used to give him shit. Dude, I'm literally seeing you looking at your notes on TV. He goes, no, I'm not going. Yeah, he had one dude is fucking hilarious. You sitting there like they cut to what he was like this. Looking up, it's like dumdum, you're on camera. That's put it over to the guy you're looking at. Show them that show was so good. I'm so glad I was I was never on it, because I, I would it would have ruined the way because I was way too young.
I wouldn't have deserved to be on it. I'd been doing it. I mean, I didn't earn that spot. I know. And if someone had asked me, I would have done it in a heartbeat. But I'm so glad I didn't because I have nothing but like, great memories.
What are you showing us? All of these are the episodes. Next, Apollo. Greg Giraldo. Jim Norton.
Keith Robinson. There's one with Geraldo Norton, Sarah Silverman, Jerry Seinfeld on CNN didn't he passed away. I don't know, I think he did. Taishan, Shannon, I remember that name I don't quite remember from Houston, him and his brother I think were comics and they they I think they wrote on SNL Tyshawn Shannon. See, this is what happens to me on the Internet as I go. And I'm thinking, I want to look on top.
And then I click on Tetch on Channon and I'm now I'm in a spiral on doing all the research on Houston comics. There's a great show, Ross Bennett nicked Apollo, Todd Glass, Rich Française. I used to love Judy Gold was great on it, Paul Mooney, D.L. Hughley, of course, thought he had everybody on Jeff Foxworthy, Jamie Kennedy, Oswal Cloudland, Patrice O'Neal and Greg Giraldo.
Hold on. Stop scrolling. The entire entire show's passed away. Where is that one? I don't know. I don't want to do that, that's depressing. Oh, my God, that's three out of four, Andrew Maxwell. Last one standing. Who's Andrew Maxwell? I don't know, but he's still alive. So good for him. Let me say click on it, you click on. Is an Irish Irish comedian, a narrator known as narrating the MTV reality series Ex on the Beach.
And so I think there's a lot of funny fucking people. Oh, yeah. Now, Dave Chappelle, Nick DiPaolo, Greg Fitzsimmons. Crazy now it's really you know what that's like you ever go back and you watch, like, those clips from those rock shows and soul trains like some of the guests they had. But with comedians, you had them all in the same time. Like this, like I always watch Old Soul Trains, that old like midnight special.
You never see you ever watch Midnight Special. No, it was something that was on in the 70s where you would be like came on it like, I guess midnight, obviously.
Jesus Bill, come on at midnight and there'd be a musical guest. I don't know what the whole show was, but like, you know, there's like ones with like Aerosmith, you know, James Gang, all of those, those early 70s, mid 70s, you know. Influenced by the Stones, so did the fallout of all of that Zeppelin and all of that Deep Purple. It was amazing. I mean, Zeppelin wasn't on I'm saying that they were influenced by those guys.
Yeah. I was so influenced by Patrice, but never no part of my act is like his at all, like nothing of what I do is like his or so. I was so influenced by the way his. Like like he had such a confidence in when the joke showed up, it was going to be worth it that he would take his time with it. Yeah, I remember him saying. You remember the Michael J. Fox joke he had?
Because saw Michael J. Fox on. Raising money for Parkinson's and. He's up there with Muhammad Ali trying to al-Sheik the champ. And everyone's applauding him, saying, that's so great that you raised all this money, once he goes, I find it to just be some disingenuous shit and everyone's like, what the fuck? I mean, it was like he took so long to get there. And then he goes, I mean, I just want one person to go, Michael.
I think it's great that you're raising money for Parkinson's, but what about AIDS and cancer? Don't they deserve some money? And that's just what I see. Michael J. Fox go. Yeah. See, the problem with AIDS and cancer is I don't cut that shit. You see, they said you see this right here. They say Naisbitt. Oh, I've never seen him working that out in Caroline's in four and a half filled room. Yeah, because he describes Parkinson's and everybody loves Michael J.
Fox and Muhammad Ali so is so brutally uncomfortable. But that was part of the setup. That was part of the misdirection. Yeah, you guys want to scroll through the Bellbird hashtag? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Looks good.
So I'll tell you I'll tell you what happened to me is you got me into looking at cars and I found I think I sent it to you. I found a website that did nineteen ninety one is the high is the height of the Jeep wagon. The Grand Wagoneer. That's the car I want. That's the car I love. 1981 is you flew you flew commercial.
You still got my do. That's thirty fucking grand. You can throw to that wagon here.
I want to live through you so I get by it so. So I start looking at them and then I think is I know I'm wearing it, I'm looking at icon is what Joe has. Joe has the icon Bronco and that guy takes it and really upgrades it. These other places simply refurbish them and get them up and running. But it's all technology that's no, no, no airbags or anything. And I started talking to my wife. I'm like.
You know, I want to get one of these. She's like, yeah, but if you drive it, like if that's your car and you get to Iraq, you're fucking dead. Like, that's why we stopped making those cars. Was the steering column went through your chest?
Like, Oh, no, no. That was that was like in the 1950s. Yeah. Basically the whole car went like an accordion. You squeezed out like toothpaste at the end of the tube. That's what happened back then. And then they just kept. Making more and more, they've made them so safe. I learned this on that side, Seinfeld's Comedians in Cars, and I was like, why can't they make them all unique designs? And he basically said, because they're creating in such a narrow corridor now of safety that there's only so many different designs you can have because like when they when they redid the Lincoln Continental.
To debut it when they showed it, it had the suicide doors again and I was like, I want to get that car that's fucking sick. Yeah, it's going back to the one that they made from 60 to sixty seven or sixty eight. And they never made it. I was like when I asked the guy who built my truck, why didn't make I said it doesn't pass. The safety says something about if it opens up like that the the middle of the car, the frame is compromised where if you got t boned or something I don't know what or something, something, you know, something bad would happen so.
Look, there's little things you can do, so what you should do then is do we talked about this the rest of my life, which is, I think, kind of what Joe did with the Bronco. So it looks like a late 60s, early 70s Bronco. But underneath it's, you know, 20, 19, 20, 20 whenever he got it.
Yeah. And so I found a few people that are doing them. I'm Kahless right now. I can't identify that you're going to buy this thing.
Yeah, I'm buying it.
I'm buying it. I don't want to. There's no car. I want that. There is nothing I want you right. Everything kind of looks alike. And on August, I can't tell the difference between. Like a Honda, a Toyota and blah, blah, blah, and then you have the higher end, the BMW, the Mercedes, and they have such iconic logos, so. On the car, so, you know, the Mercedes one is really prominent, but like a lot of them, when I look at them from the side, I can't tell.
It's like, is that a you know, you got a scene from acting maybe because I'm not in my 20s, teens and 20s where you got all that time to sit there and look at them.
But like a lot of the shit like the Hyundai Genesis, I think is an amazing fucking car. It looks exactly like the Mercedes. It's nicer inside, but like. So why would you buy the Mercedes when you get a Hyundai Genesis and then someone's like, well, you're driving a fucking Honda. And I'm like, yeah, but I don't know all the SUVs, like all the midsize SUVs, all the sedans look alike like the Broncos.
Exciting. The new Bronco coming back because it looks just looks different. Yeah.
I don't know why. Like I don't know why they don't do more of that shit, like start bringing back these old I kind to do it.
They're going to do it because stuff like that always seems to sell how successful the challenger is, the way they did it with the Mustang, then they did it with the Camaro. Cobra Kai is killing it all. I downloaded all the Cobra Kai on my phone to watch on the flight last night and then fell asleep.
I didn't watch it yet and I just I just finished the second season, so I heard this a third. So we had we had rented car.
I brought it up on set and Rosario Dawson lost her shit. She was like, it is fucking amazing. And I was like, really? I was just talking to Bill about this stupid like I got to watch Cobra Kai. I mean, it's I love when something goes like that, like people start sharing cool shit, like if you want to umbrella academy. Now, oh, my daughter got me into it, I fucking love it, and that's something just because of the name our baby like that sounds like some nerd sci fi shit.
Joe's cousin wrote it in the crazy old Joe's Wogan's. Yeah, it's cousin fucking wrote it to Tamalpais when you know what is amazing is talented families like you look at Whitney Houston, mother Cissy Houston, cousins Dionne Warwick, and you look at all the all the talent family. Snoop is his cousin. First cousins are Reggie Moment, Monica, Monica, the singer like she was she was Monisha back in the day.
Oh, we should all Grecia, but we should always share that to and in the brandy brandy.
Brandy like is he's related to some really talented people. And then Joe's cousin is the lead singer of My Chemical Romance. Right. I'll tell you the most talented family ever. Who? The Osmonds. No. Jackson, there was more Osmonds than there were Jacksons, no. Wasn't it? I don't know, you imagine being can you imagine being I do, though I do have tremendous respect for the Osmonds because they take a lot of shit because they were really more clean cut, milquetoast kind of fucking thing.
But they have like I was I wanted to see Donny Marie's last show when they were out in Vegas, like, I got to go see that.
I would like to see Donny Marie to find out the lingo, which is the coolest place, I think. I'd be interested in the most talented family bloodline, meaning? Cousins like the fact and Joe didn't even know this cousin, he's like he's like, yeah, I know we're related. I don't know him. And but he's not like that the Wayans family, when they like Dr. Dre, was like, was it is his cousin or a Steptoe's Warren G.
No, that's like, oh yeah, yes.
No, you know, his step brother, step brother was born G. It's crazy, I want I'll tell you what fucking freaks me out is like when you read up, you look in the Rolling Stones and it's like, yeah, making Keith went to school together. It's just like, what are the fucking odds of that? Like, I get when a band is, like, all from the same city. But like this did, I mean, I can't think of anyone to top my head, but there's like literally bands where what was that band Incubus like?
I think they all went to the same high school. I remember the one of the time they were talking about it. And I guess they've got bullied a little bit when they were in high school, so they're all going like, hey, look at us now. Ba, ba, ba, all just fucking around. And I was just like, how like how crazy that is that like, you know, I could see one or two people maybe went to the same school.
But to find that level of talent, usually you have to scour all of Southern California to find the right words, the fact that the whole idea might be wrong here, but essentially three quarters of the whole band.
Was like in your English class in history class, the lead singer, the drummer sat over there, the bass player and fucking what else you have, whatever else they got, the band, it used to bum me out when I found out Eddie Vedder wasn't from Seattle, like it bummed me out that I was like, wait, like he grew up in San Diego or something and then like, moved there and joined the band. I remember being like, so he's not like from Seattle.
He's like from Los Angeles. Like, it doesn't seem like he's grungy enough.
I remember we didn't have any flannels before he got there with that great San Diego weather.
He didn't, because I remember thinking that the the feeling of grunge was kids that were in their house because it was raining all day and that that was the energy of grunge was that. And then I was like, wait, he surfs.
I think it was really it was ridiculously, as always, marketed the whole Seattle thing, the whole Seattle vibe, that whole dress, all of it. Was just marketed. I remember when that shit hit by like 94, you could go to the Gap and buy what Eddie Vedder wore in like even Flo. You could get the flannel with the distressed jean shorts and then the fucking combat boots.
Yeah. Yeah, I rocked that look a lot, Bill. I get it from J.Crew. Yeah, I always, always mall grunge, I was more of a metal guy, but even when I did like the metal thing, like I never. Dude, if I had brown or black hair in my shit drew down rather than out, I would have had long hair and I would have I would have looked like a burnout out, but I just didn't have that.
So I would just go to these fucking concerts. I mean, and people look at it like, what is that fucking mathlete doing here? And I'll be like, no, no, I'm doing worse in school than you guys are. Like, my hair was born and I was born in the wrong decade, like I should have been this age in the 70s.
Then I would be out here with my fucking my big orange afro going nuts here.
Dude, I told you. I tell you about the time. I hope this I hope this doesn't go to fucking bite me in the ass. I by the way, I told I had to tell Snoop that I smoked his joint like a cigar, I was like, he's going to hear it. And I told him I was like, yeah, man. We were I was running my bit about smoking his joint by myself to him to make sure there was no like we were clean.
So he said he was like, you shouldn't smoke that whole thing by yourself. It's like you got to take your time with it.
Don't bug and be inhaling the whole thing.
Yeah, but you know, what's funny about that, too, is this whole thing comes full circle because we were talking about people that don't know how to smoke cigars. Yeah. And you you're literally literally that guy with blunts, literally.
That guy I was I was saying. I was saying one to our man, this is a good story, but it's so. I'll just. I'm just going to tell it, it's a good story. So. I was in Madison, Wisconsin. Is a bad idea, it's a bad idea, it's about I'm going to pull up those hashtags so you guys can go to the hash tag the hash tags and let's let's wrap it up here now. Wrapped up.
Go see some football. What's this? This is from Kathleen Buckley now that I'm not married and that's the that's the new the new Tesla. How can somebody even sit in that thing, it just looks like your head would be crushed. But you know what? I'm a hypocrite because I look at a car and I go I look at that Tesla and I go, what the fuck? And then I'm I'm sitting here going, how come no one's making new body lines and Elon Musk is doing it?
And here I am sitting on him, though.
That's The Dukes of Hazzard. Nineteen sixty nine Challenger, I believe third day owning this piece. There were tears, but we stayed married and I got it done. Boy, she's a keeper.
Good for you, Aaron. If I wasn't married, that's what does that a hydroplaned fan. Oh, I'd love one of those. Oh, now you got me, now you got me. This is exactly what I started doing. I started looking at motorcycles. Fuck. I sort of thought the. What is that? That is it looks like it looks like a fat boileau. The guy's cool, a lot of cool women out there, the guy says, I honestly got to do a lot of cool shit, but I don't own one of these.
What to get if you're not married? That's a fifty nine Cadillac four door. That was the highest I love like the tailfins in the Cadillac gradually come down through the early 60s. They gradually got higher through the 50s and they peaked at fifty nine when I was married.
There is none of this. Those are the three bedrooms maybe. What is electronic drumkit. Yeah that's fucking cool shit. Oh, my God, fucking put me on one of these. This is a houseboat, but it's a it's a cool, almost like 50s style houseboat, but very open with glass everywhere. That is. I would live in that fucking thing.
Unsolved mysteries by night, pay no taxes because you're on the water. A no taxes start a religion. Look at that.
I'm not married, but OK. What do we got here? What I'd say those are more modern cars. Looks like a Mazda or a seven. That's what I was going to guess stands at on an Acura. Yeah, it looks like it.
That's cool, and I like I like that this person likes those characters do. What are the Polaris slingshot? What is that thing classified as? I don't get how you don't have to wear a fucking helmet in that thing. You just driving down the street, it looks like you could just, like, sweep the back and the guy would just roll down the hill, shop on snowmobiles.
Players make snowmobiles and Jesse's pregnant.
I think those things are cool as shit. My buddy my buddy convinced me. We were talking about we're talking about buying a boat. And he was like, what if we just got two bad ass jet skis? Right. And and, ah, we could go out. You can take it out. You can take a jet ski out to Catalina, you can fish on it, you can dive off it. Spear fish, you don't need a boat.
And then there's this guy. Follow Brody or these things. Brody Moses in in Australia and all he he has a boat too, but he is primarily on his jet ski. He just takes his jet ski everywhere. I'm like a fucking jet skis. Makes sense. I wish we had a jet ski sponsor. I would love like a weight wave runner, like a big bodied wave runner.
And look at that is a nice Impala. That guy before he said if I wasn't divorced or something, if I was still married, I wouldn't own this. Look at that. He's got the challenger. The was that yellow jacket.
Oh, that is a fucking hot. Man, what is it about cars? I was watching this documentary on Ryan Dunn and they like when he started to get money, he just started buying cars and like redoing cars. I need a fucking motorcycle. There's a 90 Harley fucking motorcycle. We'll get out of L.A. do, because I like doing this podcast with you, I don't want you to die. L.A. is a scary place to ride. Oh, look at that.
I have a kid, but is that a D.W.? Look at that thing. That's like literally a Neil step, doesn't it? Probably is a double pedal on it.
Oh, look at this. A full size Bronco. This guy's great. This guy's got everything.
He's got the guitar, the Bronco that the bar.
That's a piano that looks like. What is it? Is that a Gibson? Les Paul? What is that? That's a seventy nine Bronco 78. A seventy nine Bronco. Oh, that's one of the. That's one of those once the Gibson.
Yes, yes. Yeah. With the offcuts hollow body. What else is he got here. Click on to the other stuff that he wanted, a piano bar, and then he got up was like in the fat boy, huh? Yeah, dude, Harley just. That's a good looking bike. I drove one just like that in it when I was in Macon for the show. I did. I just had to drive it in the set and then drive it like drive it around to film and filmed it.
And man, I punched it one time just to feel that and that energy. When you fuckin gun a bike like that, the talk between just pulling you through space is fucking amazing.
Yeah that's see that's a three I think that's a three thirty five that Gibson. All right. What does this guy have. So he's got. What is that? It's a van that he's living in. People are converting sprinter's into into livable. They're assuming they park them along the ocean a lot. You see him in Malibu. That's what that's exactly what you need, Bill, one of those put the whole family, and I would never go to Trich, I would never get to trial.
I like to try to strike is like a life for motorcycle guy. And then he's just sort of retired and just like, cool man, OK? That's like a 78 Z28 and a C.J. seven. Great taste. I like that person. If I wasn't married, the first thing I'm buying is a TV for the toilet.
Oh, fuck that. Five years later, Bill, look at this. No, but you know what that is? That's the fucking helicopter one. And that's why it's so expensive, because you've got to have the whole wraparound thing. Send me that thing. What is that? How much is that?
That. We'll look it up. Oh, my God, I just want to send that to my instructor. Fuck that is sick. I'll send it to you have to do it. I'm not going I'm going to really do it. I am so addicted to flying now that.
All right. Here's a question for you, Bill. OK, so that Tree House is great.
Oh, look at that fender bender, custom shot precision bass. So the house and his wife can't let him have that. How much do you think that is? 12 bucks. All right, here's the question maybe or the house that we are where we're moving into the we get one more one more guy, let's look at it. Go back up. Go back up to the guy with the wood fire. The wood fire. What was that? He goes, If I wasn't married, I somebody would fire pizza oven.
You can't make what you can't have wood fired pizza ovens in California anymore. Yeah, that makes sense, I would on my patio and a motorcycle. All right, I wasn't married and have a perfect credit score just in Woody Allen. Oh, poor guy.
This story, read this, this is a good one. My mom bought me this car brand new in 1969 and my mom bought this car.
She bought the car. What? She bought the car for herself? He didn't. Not for him. Oh. Oh, sorry. My mom bought this car brand new in nineteen sixty nine, sat in a garage my entire life, wasn't allowed to keep it in my garage when I was married, so it was sold one divorce. Later I tracked it down and Canada bought it for way too much. But it's mine. Good for you.
That is. I drove that. I drove a car like that convertible though just recently. The high beams, bill, are on a Dodge Dart.
What is Duster? What is it? I don't know. Whoa, look at that. You scroll back, you're like, fuck my God, Andrew, sorry you were doing so.
I thought you guys were turning up in a little walk in humidor. Look at that thing.
Whoa. Golly, what's my favorite cigar right now, my favorite cigars with my favorite cigar. For a while it's the Aurora Sapphire. Comes in the blue tube. All right, what is this, if I got married, if I'm not married, oh, he owns like a thousand dirt bikes. God looks like Chappelle's garage, right, Bill? Am I right, Bill? I wasn't married. Bellbird cocaine and hookers, my friend. All right, what else?
Oh, boy, midget's escort escort. Somebody said a lot of people were by these who have real life sex doll. Why don't you just walk up to a chick with big tits and a fat all because then she won't let you have a rough time, she'll spend all your money. But I wasn't married. I built my own wine cellar and never emerge.
That's. I really I respect, y'know. If I wasn't married so much dry ice, I don't even know what that means. Let's do a couple more and then we'll wrap it up. Oh, is that the Ducati? What is that? Yeah, Ducati course. Look at the slicks on that thing, I don't know what that means. That just looks cool. I love a Ducati, I'm a fucking lunatic, dude, I love everything from Italian motorcycles to Harley.
I would have a Ducati and I would have the the Harley, when they call it a custom, what's the one that's the road king with no bags? I would have that with the whitewall tires.
I could get into a deep dive on on motorcycles. I love that Harley.
That was what's called like the 72 or something. It had that metal fleck with the Fonzi front wheel.
Pull it up, pull it up and see if you can find that the Harley 72 is a beautiful bike. That in the 40 to. Forty two, I actually wrote that one. It was the forty eight, wasn't it? Forty eight. Forty eight. Oh, that's a good fucking first one to paint. That is such a good looking and I love the short tail on the back, too, huh? Yeah, that is a good looking fucking bike.
I got to admit my age, I need more comfortable seat, although that seat really looks cool on that bike. Oh, dude, I didn't tell you this shit, I was fucking. You know, my show has been doing great. I guess you got you got three rotator cups. I fucked this one up in the back. I was getting a covid test because I was shooting something for this kid. Tyler Foubert is making this great show for all things comedy to be on.
Wehbe So I went there. I was in the Valley. To get this covid test so I could go down and shoot. And I got in the car and all of a sudden I looked in the back and there was a guy behind me, I was in a parking lot, I think he rode in on his motorcycle, stopped short, because I think this guy in the Porsche convertible had stopped short and he didn't get his foot down or it just got too far.
And he just the bike went down without thinking. I went out to help him pick it up and I fucked up my back again the back up, but it's better not iced it and stuff. But what I loved was the guy in the Porsche convertible never got out. And I so wanted to be like, that's how he got that car. But when I looked at the back of his car, nothing happened. Nothing happened to his car. So he didn't hit it.
So I think that kid came in a little hot. Yeah, we got up on his front wheel, came down and then just went over.
But I actually respected that he didn't get out of the car. It was so probably in the valley in L.A. and there was a guy with shades on in a in a Porsche convertible. Looking back like that, like, you know, just looking back, no concern. His concern was I took the time to not drive away and look over my shoulder and I'm out there like a deer trying to get this fucking thing back up again. It's a nice Honda.
So that looks like the the Marc Marquez one, whatever style that is.
All right. I have a question for you and then we'll wrap this up, OK? All right. So we bought a house a while back and we were going to redo it. We're kind of we've been going back and forth, but we're redoing it now. We're redoing it. We had the opportunity. This house was built in like the fifties and it still has a diving board in the pool. Keep it. Keep it. I don't get you can't have a deep end anymore and you can't have a diving board.
So if we keep the pool the way it is and redo it, we can keep a 12 foot deep end with a diving board. Do you do it or do you get rid of it?
You absolutely keep it. And who's going to know if you have to take the diving board out?
They if you have a diving board, you can keep a diving board. So you can't see a reason why they beat people, oh, insurance, I think is a fucking nightmare.
Well, there's there's a lot of like head neck paralysis shit with that. You've got to really be careful. But, you know, if you got a 12 foot deep end, I mean, that was a very responsible person. All right, you can have a David in Boise, but it's going to be 12 feet deep. This is my first cigar in a while, I had a couple down and make and this has been good. This good.
Goodbye, Katzmann. Yeah, I didn't have a problem with that. He just said that, no, the we got to have like I said, I was like, well, and the other one's bad. No, this was no, this I know this is a good one. I want to talk. We we got to get my binder on. Oh, absolutely. Oh, yeah, because the the Comedy Store documentary is coming out, we definitely have to get him on.
Look for him the next Gilberton. We should have him on.
You have him on. Talk about the podcast. I'll have another survivor of another Søgaard. I'm locked in, I'm not going anywhere, aluminum. All right, everybody, thank you so much for watching.
It's been another wonderful episode of the Bill Burton podcast. We'll see you later. Keep those things, those hashtags. If I wasn't married, ladies. We want to hear from you, too. What would you get?