Hey, what's up, everybody? This is over in Britain, right? Is that how we do it?
It's time for another wonderful episode of the Bill Art Pod Cast. All right. What's going on, Burt? Great idea.
I just had a bowl of cereal at night. Is there anything better? I said I said, I'm going to talk about this on the podcast. And I Eila goes, Dad builds an egg sandwich kind of guy. He's not a bowl of cereal kind of guy.
I'll tell you this, dude, I there's I'm trying to think of anything that I don't like for breakfast. I love breakfast. I go everything from a healthy smoothie with the powdered protein all the way to I'll eat like I'll eat, I'll read. I'll just eat salmon cold from last night's dinner out of the fridge and a cold tortilla. I don't give a shit. I've got up. I haven't eaten in eight hours. Everything looks good to me.
I don't have that morning thing of like oh god, I can't eat that in the morning. I could, I could sit down and eat like I don't know if you picked something I could eat it. I could eat a goulash for breakfast cold.
I remember the first time I had a breakfast burrito and I was like, shut the fuck up.
I was like, they do this and they do this for breakfast, too.
Oh, my God, dogface burrito. Yeah. That thing puts you on the map, though. That's the only thing I don't like. I don't like shit that's going to take me down. You know what I mean, we're now my dad's fucked, so I try to stay away from waffles, French toast and pancakes because that thing's taking it down to the map, you know, that. It's like you just choking yourself out. It's taking yourself down.
And we went to breakfast me when I went to breakfast one time in a place called Four and Twenty. It's right. It was closed. Now they've covered. Got it. But one of my favorite things was their their pancakes to get their pancakes. And then I do pancakes very specifically. I butter the pancakes first I, I never just get pancakes. I'm not that kind of guy I get. I never thought you were, I would never say that about you.
Eggs over easy. I usually add eggs three eggs over easy bacon, hash browns, murder that. And then what I do is I butter before I start murdering I butter the pancakes. Then I cut us a pie slipper out of the pancake. Right. And I pour syrup into the center of that pie sliver and let it load up in that one little sliver so that it's almost candy bread and I fuck I'm getting hungry again. And I just had a bowl of cereal.
Yeah. No, there's a whole art to put in syrup on pancakes because if you don't know how to do it, you'll go through a whole bottle and you still won't even taste it. Yeah, right. Pancakes are like a gold digging whore. It just absorbing all the assets here. So what you got to do is you got to you got to put the cereal, the syrup, the syrup to the side.
You bring you bring you bring the pancake into the syrup, you put the syrup into the pancakes, it'll disappear.
It just goes and and you don't do you know, this is one of those things that you use, you see for the first time and then you can't only see in a weird way is syrup's more expensive than gasoline. Oh, yeah, I heard that they also like they they monitor how much they put out. It's a whole scam. Dimond's syrup, oil, the whole thing. Those Beanie Babies back in the day. Yeah, all of that shit, football cards, the whole thing.
You know, they did that with free agency and Major League Baseball. Was that so? I'm watching. I'm watching. Um, I'm on like a huge history kick right now. And so I watched Ken Burns is baseball on my on my treadmill. And they said when free agency started off, by the way, I'm certain there's someone that's really into baseball that's going to go that's not at all what happened. But well, when free agency kicked off, they were like, well, we can't just make everyone free agents or it'll be a free for all.
We've got to space it out. So it's a trickle effect. So you just release a few free agents at a time. So then there's money there to be spent because it was just everywhere. But then all the owners colluded and said, don't pay them, don't want to pick up a free agent because before free agency, it was just like slave days. Like the studio system. Yeah, it was. You were on the team and then they could keep you forever.
It's fucking amazing. Yeah.
Like if you were in the system, like they were saying, like if you were a great centerfield prospect during Jodis into Mickey Mantle, you actually could have made the pros if you just ask for a trade or got out of that system, but you just never you never got brought up.
Yeah, there was really fascinating how, like, I was watching this thing about Ty Cobb, and it's amazing that they, you know, with what cancer culture is, that they allow a guy like that to remain in the Hall of Fame. But there but they cancel, you know, like Andrew Jackson or whatever, like they're canceling all presidents. But when you look at Ty Cobb. Outright racist, like outright bigot who walked around with a Luger in his pocket everywhere and a million dollars worth of bonds and just got drunk every fucking day, whisky and milk, I think he had.
And he might have found out then because that was the out there a lot of modern day racists were using where they were like, well, I was drunk. I need to go to rehab. He was a victim. There was no rehab. If he went to rehab, he could have got sober and he wouldn't have been racist anymore. You could you could have gone that I am, I am it's so ridiculous to go back in time. And and try to compare now to then and then, of course, you're living now like you don't think somebody in one hundred years can look back at 20, 20.
And some of the shit that we're doing and saying, and you're not going to do that, you're going to be in the fucking wrong to just look at 10 years ago the shit that you could say. Versus now, that was 10 years ago. Yeah, so. You know, you're going to go back one hundred years, yeah, and then you can look at this guy and act like everybody else around him was WOAK. Right. They just didn't hit 4000 baseballs, so you don't know who they are.
Well, Ty Cobb was very progressive with transgender rights. Oddly enough, I heard about that.
He was using pronouns, proper pronouns, so much quicker, but there was so much dislike.
You can't it's like comparing. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like. You know, tonight I was watching. You know, the pregame for the Patriots Rams, right? And I was sitting with my mother in law and she saw Tony Gonzalez and she goes, was he a football player? He looks really big. It doesn't look like a brother. As I said, yes, he's arguably statistically the greatest tight end of all time. And I'm thinking in my head was he came around during the right time where it was such an offensively mind.
I'm not taking away from the guy, but like. It was just like for the longest time, the tight end was a glorified offensive lineman who was just a blocking end essentially, and then that position evolved through the Raymond buries that Dave is all of those guys on the way up to open the door. And then they figured out that offense sells the game, catches the casual fan. So like the statistics, if you're not, it's crazy to look up the all time passing leaders in football.
Right now, if you look at the top 20, like it's like 18, 17, 18 are still playing right now. Some crazy like that or I'm sorry, all played within like the last 20 years since like nineteen ninety 30 years, I should say, like all of a sudden all of these guys got like just blown by like when I was a kid it was Fran Tarkenton had the most yards all the time and he had like forty seven thousand yards or forty eight thousand yards.
And there's like guys who are considered mediocre, had a you know, he had a decent career. He wasn't like, you know, he wasn't one of the greats. He's not making the Hall of Fame and they'll throw forty forty five thousand yards. Yeah. And then if you look the other way, the running stuff, the all time rushers and all of that stuff, it that's they just run way less. So I mean, to try to get like ten thousand yards has become a really difficult thing.
So I look at the average back, I look at that, I look at that, I'm writing down ideas, I look at that in comedy, too. You look at I think you said this actually. You know, you go back 20 years ago, 20 years ago, the guy the amount of guys playing theaters was like I 20, maybe 10. I can't even I. Karlen Causby. Like legends, not legends, were playing theaters would play, but even then, a lot of them.
A lot of the other bigger guys would just sit in Vegas, do corporate gigs and stuff like that, like you had to be. Like, really, really big, you remember, like. When Politically Incorrect Bill Marks first show was on the air. And the late was an early 90s, mid 90s, when that show first came on, he it was a big deal that he came to the comedy connection in Boston and went clean for the weekend, sold out six shows, got, you know, if.
Now he's doing real time. He's a theater act, but. I don't know what it was, I don't know what made that leap, because I don't think the comedy boom ever got bigger than the 80s until recently.
You think it was Netflix? Oh, you know what it is? Yes, Netflix. Is that what you also can do this shit? Can you imagine if back in the day you could have just watched Carlin and prior shooting the shit on a podcast like how big? What do they have been?
Oh, my God. How? I mean, it sucks that I know it's just me and you. How great would it have been to listen to Pryor and Carlin on a lot better than this? A lot.
But what about if they had to do it every week? I bet there would be some weeks that would fall off. Yeah, would be somebody would yell at me. I don't know, but that's why I'm not I'm not a big like. Like as far as like a little history of football that I know. You know, it's Paul Brown and Otto Graham and Lou Groza was was what brought the NFL. Into sort of the pre modern era of modern era, where I mean, if you read up on those guys like that, that's who Bill Belichick is.
Bill Belichick is the next Paul Brown. I feel like he changed it the way Paul Brown did.
And I mean, up until then, they didn't even know that, like kicking like your kicker was an offensive lineman, which is what they had, Lou, the toe groza. And they just they didn't take it seriously. And Lou took it seriously and Paul Brown took it seriously. And then all of a sudden they just started winning all these games and they came in from that that other league and they thought it was inferior and they were winning all these games.
And so they finally broke it down on a piece. On paper like what? What are these guys doing? And it was like they were kicking field goals and he was accurate, like from forty five yards out, straight on kicker offensive lineman. So they were just getting three here and three there. And these other guys were just either punting the ball away or going for it, which by the way do the fucking analytics people what they've done to football.
I watched a game the other day, zero to zero in the first quarter or maybe the beginning of the second quarter, and they go for it on fourth and goal. That came against the bills and they don't get it, it's just like, what the fuck, you kick a field goal? I don't know, like they play the whole game like it's the end of the game.
And it's just, I guess this Analytica, where you go for the most points, it's almost like what happened in the NBA with, like the three pointer. And it's I think it's like, does it work or does it work because everybody else is doing it. I don't know, I don't follow enough basketball, I love analytics, so I watched the show today where they were talking about a crash, an airplane crash in England, and they were like they were like a lot of people survived and they were all in one area of the plane.
So they're like, so they we had to recreate it and find out where the deaths were. And they had a plane like like a plane and they put where all the deaths were and then all the people. And it was like I said, we're all the desks were.
I'm like, how big was this fucking bed? An office.
And what they were saying was and it was like, so I would I would love to be a part of one of these, like, fact finding missions to like get to the bottom of why some white people died. And they were like the chairs were supposed to be withstand 16 G's. Right. And they're like, why were there so many deaths if the chairs could withstand 16 GS, the chairs? And then in my brain, I'm sitting watching this going, you have just screwed to the floor.
How strong is the floor? And then they go, the floor gave out. So the second the thing hit the ground, everyone stayed in their chairs, but they went goes into the plane and then all died. That was like and then the only people that liberated people in the back of the plane that didn't hit hard. So they remained intact to the floor. Fucking shit like that. Amazed. I would love to have a job like that.
Like I like to figure out mysteries of why things happened. Yeah, I don't know if your chair can survive six GS, I think the chair survives. Big brand being does not like your brain, then slams off the front of your skull at sixty six GS, is that even a thing? I don't know what the fuck that would be. Yeah, I think they kind of slam towards the front of the plane is what the plane hit something unless you just fell out of the sky and pancaked.
If you and I think it all just goes like an accordion.
Yeah, it was. That kind of stuff, I mean, I feel like if we should get one of those guys on this, it got this guy's insurance guys what that's their job, where they they they know the probability. And just to see if does it affect the way they live their lives. And like what safer versus, you know, because everybody throws it out there, you know, this is safer is the most dangerous thing to do is drive down the highway.
I say that all the time. No numbers, no numbers behind that statement. I just want to see where they sit in the No. Right, like you, they probably say you want to sit on the driver's side. That's what I would think because I was coming at them, they're going to swerve away from it. Yeah, they say that's where you should put your baby now or put it on your side, because just your instincts, something's coming at you.
You're not going to turn towards you're going to try to be further away from it.
I love the little shit like that. Like, you know what you'll find this is crazy, but where you have your kids in the car right now is where they'll sit for the rest of their lives. Is that right? Yeah, like I love the sound in your voice there, because I heard what a great dad you are. Where they sit right now is where they'll sit for the rest of their lives. They just had this sweet Christmas Eve.
I said I was great. Dude, you're a great dad.
I can tell I would argue every I would argue every parent out there right now goes, wait, let me think about that. Your oldest sits behind the driver's seat and your youngest sits to the next because that's how you set it up. Normally be your first baby's going to sit over there so you can look at it when you're driving. And then once you have a second one, the oldest goes behind you and the youngest goes to the right. I would argue everyone's family, that's how they sit.
Is that how they're doing it now? They tell you to put the second one in the middle. Because it's safer in the middle, so my kids, my daughter sits behind me and then my son. Sits right in the middle. Fascinating. Yeah, we didn't have that that we had Louis C.K. had the greatest joke as a parent. That was like the fucking perfect joke. You know, a lot of people I'm going to fuck it up because a lot of people talk about disappearing when their parent going out and getting away and taking some time off for yourself.
You know what my vacation is? You know, second, when you're buckling your youngest kid and you shut the door and you walk from the rear passenger side all the way to the driver's side. That's my big case.
You know, I've been there so much, we were like, OK, everyone's in the car. I got a second for myself and we're back in the car.
Yeah, yeah. It's amazing. It's yeah, that that joke, I would say, transcends even being a parent.
It's just such an amazing because when he did that joke. You remember that joke. Yeah. Oh yeah. I didn't have any kids and I understood way more what it was like to like it was it was vivid. I remember Seinfeld brought that joke up like people. That was that was like that's a high watermark joke. Yeah. Like I don't know whether it is on the all time list. All the time passes all the time. Russia's all time jokes.
That's for me. That's way up there.
That's funny. I thought I was the only one that heard it, you know, like I thought I was the I thought that was just meant for me in a weird way. I didn't realize other people got it the way I got it.
But I'm going to go back to therapy. Hey, I'm back in therapy, I'm going to go back, I got some, uh. Got shit, I got a workout, I got to get it out of me, so it's not affecting. People around me, oh, unlike me, who is affecting everyone right now, I don't know, I am affecting people, which is why I have to. Like, I got to I got to fix some shit.
My my therapist gave me good advice, I misunderstood it, told it to my wife, she then corrected the advice. I then understood it and it's been working great, not amazing.
He said he goes, you need to do. What he was saying was, you need to separate yourself. Your what's happening is you're getting upset. And the the the your reaction is, is toxic. The way you're reacting to it is unhealthy and it's not good for other people. You need to separate yourself.
I never see that side of you. Oh, you're like one of the most fun guys, I would say, in a robe. And you're so much fun. Like I feel like you get you pay attention to make sure everybody's having fun. I feel like get that guy. And if you see somebody you like, like I may is a bad example. Remember Belushi in Animal House when that dude was good because it wrecked his car, he took the bottle, he smashed the bottle.
I said, I feel like you got that. That thing was like, yeah, that's a I don't know about different hanging out versus living with somebody is completely different. My stuff, oddly enough, is, is, is kind of about that shit. Is it stuff going on in my family where I feel like people are not. I want everyone to hang out in the living room and be a team. And I want I don't want anyone to grow up.
I don't want anyone to grow up. I want it to be the same group that we've always been. And people are grown up and people are making decisions without consulting me. And and I get really upset. But regardless, the therapist told me I need to separate from those situations because I'm taking it personally and I'm being toxic to separate. I misunderstood it. And I was like, my therapist thinks I need to take a vacation from this family.
My wife's like, what? And I was like, you guys are toxic. You're killing me. And then she was like, Oh, I see what's going on. You're toxic. You go to the bedroom right now and just go. And I dealt with it really good. I said, Hey. I'm really proud of you. I understand what you did. I get that and I we're not done talking about this, but I can't talk about this right now because I love you too much to be a bad person right now.
And then everyone was like, well, this is very mature for you. And I went into the bedroom and I went to sleep and I woke up the next day and I was in a better mood. And I said, hey, I said, we're going to talk about this later today. I saw and talked about it. But but I don't know what Joe Barton says. Joe Biden says women who marry comedians are saints. Any woman that marries a comic is a saint.
Oh, now, did you know I learned I was watching. I went down some you know, I was just on YouTube, right.
I've been watching all these French films, and I watched the original La Femme Nikita, which was great.
The French one is great. It gets a little air training. It got a little hokey. And I'm like, well, you know, they you know, the French sense of humor. Plus the movie's almost 30 years old. But then just the way it goes from there, it was was amazing. But I. In that column was somehow there was somebody analyzing Joe Rogan show, which I love when people come up with these videos and they analyze a friend of mine because most times it's not right.
But whether they were whether they're analyzation of him was correct or not, I actually got something out of it where it was like Joe was talking to somebody and they kept interrupting and they were going, look how Joe breathes here. He breathes. He's breathing for his mouth.
And the data that I know, it's like one of those things where they just created this whole back story and it was probably whatever. But I was it it was they used his show to talk about breathing, to maintain you're not losing your shit. So now they've said this out loud. They probably just attach it to the Joe Rogan show because it's so fucking huge. And they wanted to get hits. But my wife said something and I went I started raising my elevating my voice.
I just brought it down and I just put my head back and started breathing slowly as she was going like, well, what ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba.
Thinking that I was getting ready to blow up and I actually went the other way.
She thought it was like this nucular thing, you know, I was going to go nuclear and I brought it all the way down and I went, all right, it's fine, we can just do something else. And then she was looking at me like like that was it? I was like, did you see what I just did there? Because, of course, in the comedia, I need the pat on the back.
I got to get the laugh or the other acknowledgement was like I just started breathing, so.
I did that today. With that, a couple of issues that came up and I just sort of breathe my way through it, it worked out. Things fucking bother me that like that shouldn't. Well, you know. There was people on my street, they took out these two giant, they were redoing the sidewalk and they took out these two giant old trees and it's like, can you do that?
Oh, that would drive me fucking nuts, you know? Yeah, it's just like, so what? So what? Somebody can rollerblade down the fucking street, like when did the trees. When bird, huh. That's when I started thinking, like, why don't why are we always the fucking priority now these great trees and it's this awesome tree lined street and now like this, this giant alopecia tree hole in the middle of the fucking street. But here's the thing, dude, I can't rat people out.
I can't wrap people up, first of all, I don't know why they took it out, they could have been dead. I don't know. They didn't. But as far as my assessment and no knowledge of trees, I looked at the stump and then I'm like, oh, he's going to leave the stump there. Yeah, that's the type of stuff. OK, let's talk trees. That's that gets that gets me going. So we we I don't think there's any secret, but we bought a new house and we have been we've been trying to fix it up over the quarantine, but it's been touch and go with restrictions and whatnot.
But one of the things we could do was very early transplant, some privacy hedges. Right. So so I was pretty specific about what I wanted. This is, by the way, this is one of the things I was in therapy for. I was very specific about what we wanted. I said, I want viscous, viscous grows big and tall and and they're perfectly and says their roots are invasive. I go not to me. I don't really care.
What is invasive me means they just roots go anywhere. I don't give a shit, I don't care. I think they're great and you can see through them they're great privacy hedges. She's like they got these great cherry blossom privacy hedges. I think we're going to go with those. The roots aren't invasive. And now I'm thinking in my head, I go, I've got invasive root means bigger tree. I've been invasive root. That's like saying like.
You know you know, he's got big hands well, he's got a big dick, I need a big dick in a situation. So I'm like I maybe I want them before we buy these fucking goddamn cherry trees. And we must have gotten the fuckin most rescue cherry trees you could ever see. None of them. None of them are even at fence height. Half of them bend over because they grew too heavy. So they're just bent over. These are the bane of my existence.
And I'm and the whole time I'm just like I knew what I wanted. I said what I wanted. And then I got convinced by you and another woman to get something else. And I told you, I want these. And both of them said, no, this is the problem with men invasive. You don't want invasive roots. It's going to tear up your fence. I go, hey, I won't need the fence. Want these once these trees are fucking fucking.
Kareem Abdul Jabbar.
Hi to. Yes, I feel your pain, there's this like don't you hate as a married guy when the decision's already made and they still come and ask you? That's one of the things where it's just like I literally now so many things. My wife asked me, I just laugh, I know you've already made up your mind. Yeah, you know what I mean. It's just like it's a wrap, like, yeah, that's the thing. That's my you know, I have a lot of.
Issues with this whole narrative, as they say, that that guys are just they married women are just these kept women and blah, blah, blah.
And I just want to be like where? I mean. I like it just seems like the only way. To have a woman like that is you've got to be like abusive. Yeah, I like those wife beater guys.
Like, they were staring at the ground afraid to do anything like I mean, if that's the way you want to fuck it. I mean, who would want to do that to somebody like everybody else if you if you just wait. This is going to sound like a man if you don't slap the shit out of your wife. I'm not saying.
I'm just saying, like, if you try to do what they tell you to do. Oh, wow. Can you imagine if this whole fucking thing. This whole woman's vote was really just about to eliminate the physical superiority as far as strength, generally speaking, of a man towards the woman and then shift the game. To a cerebral thing, their strength, the way Jim Irsay sat on the competition committee and made the Patriots defense illegal, then he stole our offense and won a fucking Super Bowl, right.
Like, what if they if that's the way they were going? I like that, because then what happens is all you got to do is learn how to play their games. And then you get better at it than they are, and then they let you win and now you now you're reading the Playbook. This is like a fucking movie bird.
Great idea. I love that every sports guy goes. I actually can understand that analogy. That's perfect.
Yeah, they just flip it on us.
So I say help make fucking rules. The guy who calls everybody else a cheat help make fucking rules. That was advantageous for the how his team was built. That was that classic one where we fucking shut them down and they bitched about to the refs and they said what they're doing is not illegal, then they made a tape. Him and Peyton Manning were talking about it like it's not illegal. And then the next year it was illegal and within two years of that and Ursy sat on the competition committee, he was the only guy but he was in there running his yap.
And within two years of that, they they beat us with our own offense and shit, which I got to tell you is fine. I don't have a problem with any of that. With a problem I have. Is that then double back. They took some air out of a ball. It's just like. Yeah, fucking change the rules, buddy. Good on you, but quit your fucking crying. Yeah, why I bring this up fucking 15 years after it happened.
The only thing that is more upsetting about customer service, there's nothing worse than bad customer service, and especially when they don't give a shit, when they don't give a shit that you're upset. That is such a helpless feeling.
There is no creating if there's nothing more powerful than someone not giving a shit. Am I right, Bill?
Absolutely. I always get so mad. It's like if you don't like the job, quit it. Don't take it out on me.
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I fucking told you.
All right, you only a through the next one. I got it. No, you got it.
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I've been a big ball shaper since 1997 is when I first started. That's back in the frontier days, Bill. Yeah. You were ahead of the curve.
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The third generation trimmer. I remember doing it one time, my neck, my balls and I was going out with this chick. I knew it was going to I was going to hook up with and was just like, you know, that was the AIDS scare, too. It's like, is it airborne?
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Hey, I went and got a CT scan today, Bill. Oh, you did. I got my heart scanned if you got one of those. No, check the check the amount of calcium in your heart to see if you're going to a heart attack.
No, I look, I don't get I get through I go to our to our cardiologist on Tuesday. So you but there's a lot of people pulling for you because their excuse will be not because they even love you. That's a given. You know what?
We want you to be OK, so we'll know that we're definitely OK, even though even though we have completely different DNA, whatever genetics is, there are those people because my body tries to show me this guy. Who lived? He lived to be one hundred and something, and one of his things was, what would he do? Because I have a cigar every day. And you go see, dude, it's not bad, it's like, well, somehow for him.
It is like it's it's like there's a whole recipe going on there. What else is he doing? What's his genetics? Yeah. Is he one of those guys who walks around? Like, because I know guys that just like to chew on.
Oh, I have a bag of cigars right here that I'm I haven't been drinking this month and I've lost 16 pounds since the beginning of the month.
And you know how much clearer your face is? Can you see it? Absolutely do.
Because a lot of times you come on here and you look like a yachtsmen. You know, like you just what's that big yacht race they have down there? America's Cup. America's Cup. Remember that year we lost it and everybody was freaking out in Australia. We were like, what happened? How many years did we win that? I don't even know that was the thing. But there are a bunch of rich people in Australia who root for anybody on a fucking yacht.
I always just see there's always like guys doing this shit with the fucking.
Oh, yeah, I was watching. I'm not drinking and I was watching the darkest hour you see in that. It's about Winston Churchill. OK, and this is what I. I love Winston Churchill. I might need to get a big poster of him for my new podcast studio. If I don't, I you I learned about him.
I made. Really, I mean, right before aces, high heat, this is fucking this speech used to give me chills and he's like, well, if I don't land or if I don't see a fight in the air, we will never surrender. Yeah, it's just like that fuckin attitude I used to get me amped the fuck up and now and I was just they used me up to go to the gym. I can't imagine. You know, they're handling the blitzkrieg.
And he's just sitting there. I mean, that's a fucking leader. Oh, yes. Which is what we have been missing. I don't think we corrected the problem.
But I mean, I don't want to see either one of those guys on a center that neither one of them has the Joe Montana vibe, if you know. But Winston Churchill.
Smoking, and that was it. Keep calm and carry on, it's just like we going anywhere, buddy. Yeah, you know, some of us, but you're not killing all of us and then the payback is coming. And he was right. They wanted to give. They wanted to surrender. They wanted to negotiate with Hitler. And and Winston Churchill was like, you don't negotiate with a fucking madman. You don't negotiate anything. He says, we're going to be under his foot with a Nazi flag flying above Westminster.
That's not going to happen. And he but this is what I love about Winston Churchill. He starts his morning with a breakfast, eggs, bacon, a little juice, some water, a cigar and a cup of scotch. Every morning he started this. And then at lunch, he had a bottle of champagne and a dinner. He had a bottle of champagne. And then he started having scotch through the night and he slept. He took naps during the day.
And I swear to God, Bill, I wish I wish I had done my birthday right. Because what I would have done is I would have had my wife bring me breakfast in bed with a couple scotch and a cigar, and I would add a cigar in bed with a scotch eating eggs. Read in the paper.
Do you call it Winston Churchill Day, Winston? And then one day, because none, none of us could ever measure up to him.
But for one day, we all have like, that great man, a bottle of champagne at lunch, a bottle of champagne at dinner. I mean, it looked like I was like, I need to have a cigar in my bed one day, you know, when I live like that.
Well, you know, when I went to. Three times I went to Paris, one time I went with my wife on our honeymoon and I lived like that for two weeks and it was fucking amazing, I, I basically. No, I think it was our second trip there. We've been there three or four times and it was our second trip there. And we stayed in these seats, are these more the right side of the river? We we're supposed to be on?
I think it's the left bank. I don't remember right. And we just had this killer fucking apartment and there was this little bakery downstairs that made these little fucking. Don't hit balls that they. Injected with I don't know what, so I would go down and I get some eggs and then I come in there. I would order that was all doing it all in French. I had it down back then. Like when I'm over there, I get it fast.
So ordering all of that. And then right up the street was the cafe where Ernest Hemingway used to drink Dum Dum. It looks like two magots is what it looks like. It says in English. But I would just sit there and every day we were like, you know, we do we're going to go to the Louvre today and we would never make it.
We had the best time. We've just all that cafe we got to drink here and we would just sit there, do we? We'd start getting stewed at about 10:00 in the morning and we had nowhere to go. My wife was smoking a cigarette or whatever, and I'd have these little shorties that I would always pick a table to the outside. And I would just sit there and smoke and I would order the beer over there. It was it was the bureau would get excuse me, she was right on the labia onsets.
Wasn't Katsuko play right. And get this beer the sixteen sixty five. And then he come back and the memo shows, which just meant more the same. Right. And I just started hitting those things and I was like, I got to figure out how to order a. Scotch and in French or whatever, we would just get fucked up and then we would take an afternoon nap and then we would go out and get some ridiculously rich French meal and we would just up at all hours of the night.
And it was. It was. I can't even tell you like it was magical, it was magical, I just met awesome.
Oh, do we them once we the first time we went, we were more like tourists, but the second time we lived there so we would go down in the market, I knew what time to get up to get to get a baguette before it. They were all gone for the day and my wife would already be making the eggs. She and she learned how to kind of make them that French style, that sort of runny, cheesy egg style.
Yeah. She didn't like that.
And then I would stop off that little bakery, which we were heartbroken because we came back two years later and that place is closed. You can never go home, but it always changes a little bit. Right. And we would just sit there and I would get a bottle of rosé and we would we would split that for breakfast. And we had a balcony. And then I would go out and smoke a cigar. And I wait before I knew before I'd have a little heater or something like that.
And we just we laughed, hung out.
We may love. We do. We just had we had the best. The best time and then the other time we went, both other times we went there, I guess not, we went there three times. So the other time. Our daughter was born, but after we were there, we then went down to Central Park. And that was just and we were there off season because that place is a shit show really during the summertime, we got there in like April.
So there was like there's like one road in and you can sit in traffic for hours and we got there and drank it. There's a famous cafe there. It's all in red. Everything it is red, they have all these pictures from like 40 years ago of a young Mick Jagger with, like, you know, Cheryl Tiegs or some supermodel from back then.
And I remember the level of money. That was there was wee wee wee, just total Rube's, they saw it on a street just sitting in my stupid sweatpants, smoking a Cuban right now, smoking a cigar in that cafe. And there was all these yachts backed up, OK? It was like the cafe. And then there was a road of little road and then a little boardwalk. And then the dock where they were backed up in the fucking guy's TV was so fucking big on the boat.
I was in the cafe watching. Watching is the TV on his boat, and, you know, it was funny, I thought I was what the fuck did I think I was watching? I can't remember there was a great joke at the end, if I could remember what I thought I was watching, that actually was as my eyes were just starting to go, you know, I was like, if you and your wife went back to Paris and she said, let's go back to Paris just and you would you give yourself a week of booze and cigars or would you stay on the narrow?
I wouldn't leave my kids like I wouldn't do that, I'm taking them with me. That's the thing was I'm in the booze. Yeah.
Oh, you you'd want to be the whole family there. Yeah, but I got to tell you, I do like is that sounds romantic as fuck. It's Oh dude. It was it was awesome. It was. Yeah, my wife's a really special. My niece has an amazing spirit, like incredible energy, and that just drew it out like.
You know, I was with this beautiful woman that I just married and I was in Paris, and if I wanted a Cuban cigar, I could get it. My phone wasn't working over there. I had nothing to do but just like, chill out. And what's so funny? Is there food over there? Like, is so much better than here in because it's not like poison. So I gained weight, but I mean, I would have put on like 20 pounds instead of, like seven.
You don't do. I was going fuck him hard over the booze and the booze alone should have done it for me, but like.
Yeah, that's kind of a wild thing, like our food over here, like they go around to other countries and they try to force some. To take it in, they go, no, we're not taking it, and they they created a court, these fucking evil corporations created a court that somehow above the court of your own country to force you to take the food. Do you understand, like the fact that they're going after comedians and it's just a misdirection, like the level of evil that is that it's like we're not we're not going to poison our own fucking people and they're so greedy for fucking money that they create this thing.
There was another thing. It's like, OK, you can sell it here, but you have to say what's in your food. And then, like, we're not doing that. Jesus Del Ray just told me he used to drink like for like five or six, like Diet Cokes every single day. And when he decided, like, oh, man, I've got to get off this shit, like you said, these massive headaches and mood swings and shit.
And according to him, he went out with this chick and she saw him drinking a Diet Coke and she somehow was affiliated. This is all alleged, although this is the Internet.
So you can say whatever you want. Right? You say, you know, I used to work there, my old boyfriend used to work that used to put that shit together wearing a hazmat suit. I mean, dude, it's. It's nuts, and they'll come back, they'll come after you for saying shit like that. This is all alleged, but. So that's what I did find was, you know, I don't know, I just went way off the rails, but but Paris is nice and I want that I want that trip.
I want I want a Winston Churchill de. And I want to trip I want my wife would never like we went we went wine tasting one time and just got wasted and then I had heart palpitations all night. And I was like she was like she she couldn't but she couldn't pace herself. She got like, crazy wasted. And then, like, I was like, I think I had too much sugar. I can't sleep. I my heart is racing.
And I was like, I'm still drinking by myself outside in a Adirondack, smoking a cigar.
I was like, you what they reminded me of when you were talking about the champagne. That's when I thought because we took a tour of the Veuve Clicquot, you know, that top level. I'm not champagne guy, but that's like the best there is. Yeah. And my wife wanted to go so bad and I was just going like, all right, I'm like, this is this is a her thing, you know. Yeah, but I'm going to go because, you know, I can still get whatever have a good time.
And we went there and it was absolutely fascinating. I forget the story. It had something to do with them starting it and somebody died and then the daughter just took over and was a total, like beast of a business person and just built this company.
And it's still the same like I don't think these caverns, like deep in the ground and the whole time they're giving you samples and you get a buzz going and you learn in all this history, you know, the history from from over there is so much older than here because we killed all the history here, you know what I mean?
It was people like they go all the history of the new world is is so much more. It's like, yeah, because we slaughtered the people that we hear every once in a while we'll try to put up a new luxury condo and we dig up some of it, you know, but over there, they still have it.
So. Yeah, that really makes. I could run a vineyard in the south of France, I would. I could. I could. I mean, I don't know if you said my bills are paid and all I got to do is make some one and that's my that profits mine for the year. I could really get into that, I could really get into that. I would just be in my backyard.
Yukino, who seem to be living the life there was this killer like thirty four thirty on Drew Bledsoe.
Yeah. And he runs his own vineyard. Now, do these wines are killing it. And he was just still like in killer shape. He still got the great head of hair. Still looks like he could just go out and throw 400 yards on a Sunday. And he was just sitting there, you know, doing the whole wine thing and shit. And I'm just like, oh, man. So my wife every once in a while tries to talk me into, like, you can't just have one.
It's like, yeah, that's what I was wondering when you created your was your wife, like, forever. No, it was a personal thing. Yeah, I told you the story that I was drinking in my backyard with Bartnick, drinking this shit, Kentucky was delicious. And we just watched the first half of Michigan, Ohio State. And we were smokin sticks and just had had the game on pause. And we all know I remember we were drinking, we had a little bit of that and we had just a bunch of Miller High Life on ice.
It was just an awesome day. I remember look at him going like I've never quit. I'm never quitting, is what I said. And then the next day I woke up, I was like, I need to shut it down for a little bit. And it was the end of the year and I was like, you know, I'm trying to go to yea, I'm starting I'm going to try to go I want to go from January 1st to December 31st, no booze.
And then I wanted to go a birthday, June 10th of June 10th. So it's like I had to do another year and a half and then it was just so easy to keep the weight off.
And I didn't have any of these massive, massive lapses in judgment where I just said things and did things and then had to apologize. And it was like and then I had the whole thing as my kids have never seen me drunk. He's I think is a good thing and like, yeah, I mean, my daughter turns twenty one, she's like, come on Dad, have a drink with me. I'll be like, you know, I'll have one then.
So club soda candies like that, he does it like that.
Really. When his kids turned of age you would have a drink but he would have one and then just shut it down. My thing is I just to wow. I just couldn't shut it off. It's like a boxer. When they get off they get that first concussion, first knock out, then all of a sudden it's easier to knock them out. Like, I just I kind of I pushed through something. I pushed through something evil.
But it was not my coming back.
My thing was, you know, after after we had that friend that got hurt, I had a moment of. Of appreciation of like mobility, like just watching someone not be able to get from a car to a bed or get from from from one place to another. I remember that that night getting out of my car and feeling like like a little fat, getting out, going like, oh, fuck. And I was like, hey, wait, I don't think it's supposed to be like that.
And I and I said, I'm shutting it down and shut it down for the month of December and I'm going to lose weight and I'm going to feel better. And I'm going, I'm going. I'm going to finish this. I'm earning a thousand miles this year. I go, I'm going to finish this thousand miles and I'm going to like, feel good about this thousand miles. And then I'm telling you, I feel like I've lost it. If you just you don't get to shut everything down, if you just do it in moderation, that you're running a thousand miles because you have to.
Yeah. It's just like, you know, it's when you have that thing, I always call like somebody that you want that I'd be like, that's a plate full of setups. That right there is that that's two hours on an elliptical I fucking hate. Doing the elliptical and then you going on the elliptical and you're wearing out your knees and your hips. Doing this for like an hour, all felt like you need your knees and hips for the rest of your life, just airing it out.
No said to me one time, he goes, hey, man, I'm worried about your knees running. And I remember thinking, oh, I guess just Joe didn't know anything about me because, like, what are you talking about? I'm on a treadmill. I'm going straight to my jukin. That's how you hurt your knees. I didn't realize that my body was not meant to carry an extra hundred and fifty pounds on top of it. And my knees were only meant for a hundred.
Like, you only get the ligaments that are meant for the size of the body you got like me.
Dude, leading me to this guy is like when they really get into working out and stuff, they become obese with muscle in a way where it's just like as much as it's tone and all of that. And they look shredded and everything. If you if you have a little assistance getting into the next weight class, like that's when you start really. I don't know what doing wear and tear. You know, the power your body has, the talk when you're turning with all of this muscle and stuff, I mean, obviously, I don't know, Tiger Woods is back.
Yeah, and you can really. But but it really fucks with your feet and your knees, too. You can even go that way with, like, muscles. So, like, I was you know, I just did this run through Texas and I was the.
It was wild doing it took a lot out of me because it was two shows a night, eight days, so it was 16 shows, 16 plus hours of stand up.
And we were outside and it was cold most of the nights, it was it was fucking cold and I was joking on stage that if I had done my stand up career outside, I would have been retired by now. We were all like we were just outside for like four or five hours every night. It was like, we tailgate it for eight straight days. Yeah. And Kenny was going like, what's this red thing? Is this a bug bite?
I think that's windburn. Dude, you've been outside in the elements like.
So you got to. You know, drink some water, put some lotion on it or something, but like the crowds were amazing and the food was incredible. Dude, I got a place for you. The best brisket I've ever had in my life. Hands fucking down the Pecan Lodge. Pecan Lodge in Dallas, Texas. Oh, my God, dude, first of all, it wasn't that thin Chaib thing. Yeah, it was a thick cut like, I mean, thick for brisket.
Dude, I have never tasted anything like that, like brisket a lot of times, you know. Everybody flips out about it. I'm not like the biggest brisket guy, I'm a pulled pork dude. So, yeah, I love pork. So the. That's not something the way it was, I can't even I can't even describe it, it was just it was just melted in your mouth. It was un fucking believable. And what was funny was we tried to order it the second night in a row and it wasn't there.
So we ordered this other shit that didn't travel well and I ate it. As I write to the next day, I was meeting a buddy of mine. And it goes go to the Peacon Lodge and they set it down in front of me again and for three days in a row with barbecue and me, I almost puked. I was like, I can't fucking eat this shit anymore. I kind of ruined it. Yeah. Because I overdosed. But now if like I would go back there.
In a second, that was the best barbecue and then my favorite guitar shop in the world. Is in Houston, Texas, what's the name of the guitar shop, Paul guitar and all they have is lefties. They never have left, dude, and they have fucking everything. And it was so cool. I went in there with Dean and I bought a couple of guitars off them and I was so tempted. Because you just can't get them like that anywhere to get another one.
And I'm just like I have so many guitars, I don't have time. To play right now, like I'm going to get another one and then so I didn't get one and now there's two of them that I'm thinking about going on, and to get those, I'm like, I'm glad I got one, but I did. You know, I don't know. Well, let's go watch the football game. Yeah, dude, I literally froze up there.
No, no, no, no, I'm thinking about I'm singing about guitars. I have I have five guitars and I have them all in cases and I can never get to them. So I never play them.
But I want to have it out on a stage and have them out on the wall so you can grab them. That's when you that's when you feel inspired to grab them and play a little bit.
We'll do that's. What was the difference between me like. Playing drums and trying to get to another level, I soundproofed my garage and I got my drum, so I got guitars hanging in there. And I got an old Rickenbacker left handed bass that's killer, I got some sick, like, nice stuff, not too crazy. I didn't I didn't spend too much money because I didn't feel like I deserved them. And then also if I didn't end up having time to play them.
But, you know, I went in there looking for a tally and I just didn't see anything that stuck out. But then I saw. A couple of others that I was just like, my God, they're just amazing, I mean, I'm a total nerd for that stuff, but yeah, I agree with you. Let's go watch the football game also. Great to see you, dude. I'm glad you're having a nice, healthy month here.
Let let it let me and everybody else know in the next one we want to know know your CT scan or whatever the hell it was for your heart.
Oh, I will definitely tell you. Yeah. OK, cool. And I just had my heart checked out. I'm looking pretty good to go and I got a physical coming up so I'm doing all the right shit here. I've had too many friends have issues.
So that's all I kept saying was I kept saying I don't like that shit, I don't like going in for the CT scan. But then I was like, do it. And then, you know, you're not having a heart attack within the next two years, three years.
And seeing if they find something, they can just go in and take care of it. Yeah, take care of it before it's like a problem. Yeah. What happened to us. But. We used to just talk about where we do in spots and where we drink and afterwards now we're talking about, you know, it's good to get your heart scanned, staring right at me, Bill. It's right here.
Oh, hold it up again. I want to see it again. Trace, what is that? Oh, it's a fucking fine whiskey. That's another thing I miss about like. Fuckin whiskeys and bourbons, just the bottles in the labels. I was just thinking that it works of art, you could sell so much more water if you sold it in old whiskey bottles. I drink so much more water, if I can put it down in a handle of Jack Daniels.
I know, dude, you know, they always like for the photo shoot the bourbon, which they always backlit it and he just like, yeah, to this day, dude, if I if I could say anything, if I did anything, it would be bourbon. I really got into that shit.
I, you know. All right. You make him. No. Yeah, OK, buddy, we'll hang on for me. Thank you, everybody, for listening.
This has been another wonderful episode of The Bell Pod cast. I love you, brother. All right.