Well, you told him you're the best deal. I'm sorry. Hey, what's going on, everybody?
Welcome to another wonderful Cinderella episode of the Bill, Burt, but just look at what's going on January twenty fourth national.
That's when we're going to hold our Winston Churchill Day. I already cleared with my wife. My girls are into it. Wake me. January twenty fourth. I'm in cigar. I'm going to do a soft whiskey. I've been on the wagon this whole month, Bill.
Dude, you look great, man. I'll just go on like that. Speaking of that, do you see action? Bronson lost like one hundred and forty pounds. He's a good looking dude man.
He's a really good looking dude. He looks like a leading man out of this. I'm lucky he's found this like side of him that's super into weight lifting like he looks great.
Yeah, I did a I did a scene with him in the Pete Davidson movie. What the hell's it called there? Oh, that's right.
Yeah. And yeah, he was a big boy and I remember him saying, like basically, yo, when I'm up, I'm up.
When I sit back down, I'm down meeting like he was like dealing with his body and, you know, just having friends that have weight issues who are no longer here. Man, I was like I was worried about him. I'm so fucking happy for that guy. So happy that he was he was funny as hell. He was cool as hell. I'm very, very happy for him.
He's a you know, I, I found that guy one one break. We were on break in with the girls down in Tampa and I saw fucked up delicious. And I, I fell in love with it. And by the way, I was a fan of his as a rapper, his his first album. I have a I literally it's the first album that comes up. And when you look at any album in my in my library, it's action.
Bronson that's so smart that his name is a it's the number one. If I could start this business over again. I call myself a krischer.
Yes. But Dr. Lecter Dr. Electric came out in 2011 and I saw fucked up delicious. I fell in love with that guy. And you wonder, like you look at guys like that is canaries in mines where you go. He's doing Dabbs nonstop. He's out eating like crazy, like as long as he's still alive. I don't need to go to the doctor. And then when you see him do a shift and get healthier, like, OK, I need to get healthy like that.
Yeah, you know, I watched one episode, which was really interesting to me, because just the level that they can eat was astounding. And this famous chef who's now been canceled, who may or may not have an orange beard like me, he was on it. And it was like he drank him under the table, he's like, come on, let's get desserts now. We can't do it again. Come on, you fuckin pussies. Now, it's just like this is like an old sailor, like drinking somebody under the table or some pothead smoking under the table.
He, like, ate them under the like. They were having problems keeping up with them, which I thought was. That surprised me because as big as Mario is, he wasn't as big as those dudes and he was just putting it away.
Yeah, he used to live. So when I worked the door of the Boston Comedy Club, I lived on twenty nine at twenty nine Cornelius Street, and so was his restaurant and it was directly underneath our apartment. So every night when we walked home, we walk past Mario Batali Battalion's Restaurant PO, and if they were up, if it was like 3:00 in the morning when we were coming home, if they were up, they always let us in a drink.
Me and my two roommates and I was unaware. I didn't I wasn't offended. The Food Network, my roommate, my lady roommate was and his brother is a chef. And he knew exactly where he was. But I didn't really know. I just knew he was a cool dude that let us in to drink because we lived above him and he'd let us in every fucking time they were. I used to eat at Lupa. Oh yeah.
Yeah. And and I went to that other one like Bobbo, and that was just like it was too adventurous. That was we were like jokingly like pheasant face ragu just like it was just like some wild part of an animal. You wouldn't even mix with a name that you understood. And you were just like, yeah, it was too much. But I used to get the nickname. Paula told me to go to Lupa and get the the oxtail.
And I had that. It was delicious.
It's just so there's something cool about being a chef, that lifestyle of, you know, working all night and then and then making something really cool like like a chef's meal for all the all the chefs meet up and they have cocktails and they talk about their night and they make something for each other.
I really mean, I guess I guess people probably look at comedy and they're like, everyone sit in the back at the cellar and they're busting balls and doing spots and drinking beers and eating chicken wings. I'm sure they think it's like that. There's some super romantic about being a chef.
Yes, like total self sabotage. Like I worked in a restaurant one time and do the characters that were in that place, man. It was just like. You know, like it really, they were all like comedians in that they couldn't function in a nine to five. They had to be a level of creativity to it, a level of freedom and a level of chaos. And that's kind of what was going on, not necessarily with the way it was more like the waiters.
It was like really the people that cooked were were a little like they could party. They could, like, come up with specials and all of that type of stuff. There was one guy who was on a work release program from prison I know was told these stories before. But at the end of the night when everyone was cleaning up and guys had already had a buzz going by, like the final two hours, they were taking whatever they were going to take and then it just ramped up.
And they would I couldn't keep up with them. I really couldn't. I kind of was just the dork man. I just came in, did my job like, hey, man, you got to come to this party back now. I'm fine. And then I will just go home. I was like 19. I come in and some guy would have like a scar on his head, drinking and driving and shit was the 80s, man. They were they were a lot of coke.
Yeah, that half crazy shit, my buddy Rico, when I lived in New York, worked at a restaurant on the on twenty first cruise called the God of the Commune, it was called the communal thing. And he spoke Spanish. He was from Peru, so he spoke Spanish. And man, if you want a fuckin in at a restaurant in New York, if you're a waiter and you speak Spanish, you got I mean, that's like the easiest way to get your meals out first to get your tables bussed first to get that.
It was like such a the bartenders would load them up, he'd go in and he'd get to work. You'd have a cocktail when he got to work and he just started serving tables and go back in the back, talk shit to the guys in the back, and they'd be like, hey, we don't have it on as an American, you know?
And then that Spanish was OK. It was such a like a quick in working at restaurants for him and he would make a killing, fucking killing. And then I'd go after sets, I'd go up there and party with them and hang out with all the people you party with.
I love the level that comics were partying. It wasn't enough for you. You went to the pro level. You can drink with like chefs and shit like those guys. You know, like I'm trying to think of a chef that I respect that didn't have some sort of substance abuse. Flay, Bobby Flay, Bobby Flay. Bobby didn't. Bobby is a man. Bobby Flay, for whatever reason. He is one of the more. Well, I'm sure you talked to one of his ex-wives.
They'd be like, I don't know about that Birdwood. But like Bobby is one of the more well-rounded dudes that, like, he could have a cocktail with you, talk shit, laugh, be like I'm going to my room, take care, and then be in the gym first thing in the morning.
I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd like to see the smart comics. Yeah. I watched the Great Comedians in Cars with Seinfeld and Garry Shandling and they were just talking about how not only did they not get into the whole demons and partying at the store, how silly and ridiculous they thought it was. It's like this is a job we're trying to get somewhere and it's just like it just go stepping over puddles of puke and stuff and they would just go on and do this stuff and go home like professionals.
I think Leno was like that, too, because I had a buddy of mine came up after him and Leno warned him about the pot, a partying scene. He didn't listen for a while. And then he came around and I guess Jay would tell me, oh, come on, come on over here. We're playing risk like he's playing a board game. Keep your brain together. We'll talk comedy. We'll work on stuff like the smart guy.
Yeah, smart guy. Way to do it. And then everybody else was just like, you know, it's like it's almost like it's almost a legend.
It's almost like getting the birthday cake and swiping off the icing. It's too much like part of me. Like I remember talking to Jay about it. And Jay goes, you know, because I remember sitting at the store and they pulled out like a like a like an ounce of coke and put it on the table. And I thought we could get arrested for this.
I regret that going going and so I just left, I went home, I'm not only I didn't want to get arrested, I you know, and by the way, that makes so much sense. I mean, that is the way you should think. You know, the. Through that was like Michael Jordan when he talked about that first Bulls team that he was on. Yeah, he was a rookie. It was like five games and they invited him up.
They all heard all this talk and he said, I walked in and he goes, there was weed. There was lines over here. There was women. And my first thought was, if a cop walks in right now, I am is just as guilty as everybody else. And I remember thinking, like, wow, man, he had that. That thought at twenty one, his parents did an unbelievable job raising him, because I would have been like I I'm not into blow, but I can drink here.
Hello, ladies. And I would have stayed because I would want to be accepted. By everybody else, I bet they respected him more. He was just like, man, I get involved in this shit. And the next night he's out there dunking on all these old vets. They were just like, oh, shit, this guy's like, this guy's the real deal.
I remember doing I remember doing coke with a guy comic. Who's now movie star, and I would never say his name, and I learned that the hard way, I learned that the hard way. You do not share partying stories?
No. Do you keep it all in the locker room? I own a big apology to Tracy Morgan. I should have never shared any fucking I should have kept everything in the locker room. And I. I didn't. And so I'll never make that mistake again.
And when I makes you look like you're not in the business, you know what? It makes you look like a fan.
In all fairness, I in all fairness, I have to say I wasn't the one that shared the story, but it got out and it's my fault. And I owe him an apology whenever I run into him, I owe him a sincere apology and a cocktail. But I remember I remember doing coke with a movie star. Am I am I my apartment one time? And I remember thinking, thinking I was watching them do Coke and he was fucking blowing lines just like and like, I couldn't stop talking and I was like, this guy's got a problem.
We'll never see anything from this guy. And then all of a sudden he's just boom. And there are certain people there are certain people who can party hard as fuck, keep it in the keep it in the in between the lines, go to sleep, get up. Banging out. I just watched a documentary on the on Macho Camacho Macho Camacho, like the night before his big fight in Alaska was they were he was trying to climb out of a window and jump out of a window.
He'd done so much coke and they were like he's never going to be able to do this fight. And he went down and destroyed the guy. And they're like, for whatever reason, man, that guy came in to work and he was there to work.
You had no idea what I can tell you this he would have been better if he didn't do it. Just imagine how great he could have been. Because that's what you think. Because. Yes, because you can't do that shit for a while. I remember hearing a great story. Not going to say the comics name. But he was doing shit like that, and then he had a big theater show and he looked at this guy telling me the story is now an older guy who was a kid when it happened.
And right before he went on stage, he lowered his glasses. He just goes the transformation like he was going to be. Now I'm just going to. Zen sober myself, I was like, how do you go out there and kill? He goes, No, sorry.
So listen, there's this those guys that nothing can touch, it happens for a while, but it's like. It's like cheetahs when cheetahs go, cheetahs are like cats. So I've noticed when they go to take down, it takes a bunch of them and the fucking gazelle or whatever can run on for a while. But then after a while, it just gets you and you go down. And I remember seeing this whole thing on that dude and rat who died, and he was just a mountain of a man.
Like if anybody came at Rat, like he just stood in front of them and was just a giant shadow. And he was just like, you know, he's like Big John in that song, you know, he could just take anybody out and party and got to that guy to the point he had a real distain for the band and couldn't even play the songs, couldn't play what he used to play. So there's a there's definitely people that have more of an iron lined liver for a while and can just do more or for whatever reason.
But like it it's just body blows to everyone. And that's interesting. That's interesting to say that that's interesting.
You say that because I just got all my bloodwork back from the doctor and everything's perfect and I go and I thought to myself, there's two every time I've ever gotten blood work back. And it's been good. I say to myself, All right. We're good and then I just go back to my same lifestyle and for whatever reason, this time I guess I was scared. I was like I was like, man, I've been I pushed it really hard through covid.
I mean, I was I was 17 pounds heavier than I am today when I like I mean, I just was like, this is going to turn out bad. I'm going to get a CT scan. There's going to be blockage. I've been eating barbecue all summer with Dave Williamson. There's they did an EKG. I'm like, I have not been sleeping well and I've been running. This is not going to be good. They did all the blood work.
And I'm like, my cholesterol is going to be up, my liver enzymes going to be through the roof, fatty liver. And and it came back good. And I was like and I thought. Of two people, you and David tell, and I thought both those guys got in right at the like, they they stepped out with chips stacked here and they're like, you know what, I I'm going to go home and I keep pushing them forward, going like, no.
And eventually you're going to there's a tipping point because a buddy of mine had a friend like that where he had a really bad liver and he was in trouble and he just laid off everything. And then it came back and he was fine. So he's like, oh, that's what I'll do. I'll just party when they tell me it's bad again to lay off again. He did it again and he laid off the booze and it didn't come back and he died.
Yeah, yeah. I get like you. There is a finite amount of chances that you get the everybody seems to get a different hand that they're dealt. You know, look at Len Bias. I mean, that guy was just a kid. I don't know when he started partying, but he didn't get a lot of chances. So it's you know, you're you're rolling the dice. They're like, you know, about all the young people watching the ship.
I said to myself, I was like I was like, I haven't been drinking this month. And I was like, and I don't I don't miss it. Like, when I'm at home like this, I don't miss it at all. And then I was like, I got to come up with, like a program like I can't like I don't I don't want to lose booze forever.
I got a twelve hundred dollar bottle of whiskey in there. That's like no, no, no.
Some this guy I wish I knew this guy's name. He sent me. I get things done in my P.O. box and he sent me. I want to say it's more than that.
I want to say it's like a twelve twenty five hundred dollar bottle of whiskey. But he sent it to me with with a bunch of these beers. I wish I knew this guy's name. I want to say it's Porter, but man.
And he said, that sounds like cognac prices. I'm a call. My dad my dad knows exactly how much it is. My dad's like my dad's like buddy. Once his drinking shit over, we got to fucking open this bottle. I was like, I got it. We'll get to it. I love it. Your dad's peer pressure. Come on, you pussy. Today he goes, you're not done smoking cigars, right?
Because we got cigars to go through. You just got a whole fucking dad. Sounds amazing. Yeah, he's he'll know exactly how much the whiskey is because I didn't I just kind of the P.O. box and assumed it was, you know, whatever it is. And then. Hey, Dad. Dad. Yeah. Hey, I'm doing a podcast with Bill. Listen, how's that, Mr. Crusher. Oh yeah. Yeah I stasch brother and.
But how are you. I love the stuff. You don't get me some bank stuff from them.
I'll get some bank stuff from them. As a big fan. How much is that bottle of whiskey we got sent.
Oh that was twenty five year old McCallum's for a couple grand.
Twenty five year old McCallan. OK, all right. Well I was, I was trying to tell Bill about. I'll give you a call later. I love you.
I'm thinking about nap krischer. Wait.
Twenty twenty five euro McCallum's twenty five is look it up. It's looking it up. Twenty five year old McCallan it's it was sent. My dad looked up the price and was like, buddy, this is fucking expensive whiskey. And I was like oh yeah. And I want to have a drink with him. Oh.
Twenty four hundred dollars. Yeah right. I would not have won the showcase showdown, I would have been like at about eight hundred bucks.
But you kept saying you say it, I know it now but like. There's no better. I never understood it, you kept saying it to me and I was like, I don't get it, I don't get it. The hangovers aren't bad for me, but there's nothing better than getting up early and having a cup of coffee and feeling great and feeling like. All right about this.
And no apologies needed. Yeah.
Do you know what it's fun to kind of stand around while people drink and just you just watch them roofie themselves and you do, and then you can feel the energy change that that point where it's just OK and everybody's fucked up. Now, I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave and I am not going to miss anything. I'll hear the stories tomorrow and I won't have anything. Hey, Olajide. Please, please be safe, OK?
Social distance, stay on your bike. No getting off your bike. Stay apart. OK, so Aitkin, come here in Georgia. Can you can you just tell Bill what a great job parenting I did last night. Be honest, how good how good was my parenting last night? It is really good. Yeah, a really good job, I believe it. She looks like a.
I don't know why I'm not hurting you. Tell them I'm not hurting you. He's not hurting me right now.
I killed it. Right. I killed it last night. Yeah. All right. All right. You did a lot better for me. Yeah, I did a lot better. I'm growing Bill.
And the only bad thing was through the bad thing. Let's just leave out things that you asked for recognition of. Bill, I ask for recognition because I go, hold on.
I just did a good job. Look, you've got to stop. I did a bad job before. I got a bad job before I went to therapy. And now I'm doing a good job. I need everyone to go, holy shit, man, that's called growth.
Yeah. And we did that. And then you were like, no, guys, I need more time. More time. Ed, you asked for it again. We were like, OK, maybe this is going to just go.
Just go, just go. I love you. Please be we don't do stand up because we like ourselves.
Oh, oh. I got another story about her. All right. Leave, leave. I love you. I love you. I love you.
The woman loves you. You can tell because it is so hard for them to give you a compliment. Just what he did a good job right now or something. There's always those little clarifications. What I said you did a good job.
Yeah, she Bill I you I mean you want to talk about like it's like you know what this is. It's like if. If I show up at spring break and I and I've been working out for like three months and everyone stops and I'm like, Yo man, you look good. But then what I felt is what happened is I showed up looking good and everyone just was like, so are we going to the beach? And I want to hold on a second.
I was a bad parent. I was not parenting. Well, I was I was I was attacking people. I was like I was saying I was being toxic. I just couldn't help it. I was so angry.
Time of that way if I was attacking people, I swear. Yeah. And so she said last night, she goes. So, hey, can I go to my friend's house and normally I would just be like, no, the answer's fucking no. Like we are in a lockdown. You are not allowed out of the house. We are staying in the house. But I. I stopped and goes, no. And then George, it kind of snap back kind of shitty.
And she was like, oh but you can go to the tile store and you can go to the new house and you can hang out with them. But I can't go with my friend Bill. I went like this. I went took a breath. I walked in. I said very calmly, I said, what you're saying is fair. I understand that you see me going to maybe do a podcast or mom, go to the tile store. I understand you see all that and you're wondering why can't I just go to my friend's house and explain why?
I'm going to tell you why. And I went through and I did everything I say. Here's a deal. I'm a really smart guy and I can find a workaround for you. I want you to be with your friends. You're 16. I don't want you to be living in this house. But non-stop, I'll find a workaround that will that right now is they're going to go ride bikes. I said you can only ride bikes. You can't get off your bikes.
You can't go sit somewhere. When you're done, you come home, go ride bikes, talk shit, have fun, stay distant. But that's the deal you have to have Macel on. That's why I'm fine with that. But I. And then I got done. No no one got upset. No one cried. No one slammed the doors. And they're like, OK, cool. And I went hot on. Is no one going to say anything and they're like, what?
I go, we're not yelling right now. And they're like, I know. I was like, no, but that's because of me. Like, I did some work. Like I noticed I was being bad. I went to therapy at them. I had an inability to do what you have to do. Do they like cats? Do you want him to come, you walk away? Oh. Oh, I was so funny and then I would the God guys and dogs, I need the approval pat me on the head.
I did a good job. Good job there, Phyto.
Now, you've got to. No, I'm telling you, I talk about this my silence. It is unsettling to women. Yeah, well, you make a change and then afterwards you just cool, calm and collected, they look at what is going on between those ears. They like you talk and. That that that that that that and they know what's that you're reading from your playbook, they know what's going on, you get quiet, it starts fucking with them because now they start thinking like, you know.
I don't know, it's so stupid that you literally have to play a game to get a compliment, but it's like it's like, I don't know, it's exhausting and they're way better at it and they have way better stamina. And you're going to lose.
I've been doing a misogynist character in my house, like as a joke your entire career. Yeah, it's called your act.
And it's going to be that I enjoy it so much that I don't think it's an act. I think I'm just doing it real.
I'm just saying what I think I. I would be lying if I don't do the same thing. I see my wife like, oh, in the kitchen where you belong. I love seeing that.
She's got a great you know, we had some big, stupid fight. Well, like. You know, once again, because we weren't communicating, right? Yeah, right before we went to bed, one of those go to bed, don't even talk to each other. And then you just rewinding the whole relationship to that second date going, why did I show up? Right. Yeah, but then you always think, why I love it, I got the kids.
But when you're stubborn and you're mad, that's what I go back to.
So the next morning we woke up and I don't say anything to her. She does the same thing to me, and then she's brushing your teeth and I'm brushing my teeth and she's a bigger person. So she just goes she goes, good morning. Good morning. Then I looked at her and we both laughed and that was it. I was like, well, that's how we stay together. Yeah. Oh, I don't know. I don't remember what the stupid fight was about, but I was lying there afterwards going like, well, that goes back to coming from a, you know, not being able to express myself.
I shut the fuck up that yesterday irritated it out of Denver. Shit. Because I said so like that was basically and the discussion, you know.
So then I approach any no to me is I'm going to be up against that. Rather than being like that, there's negotiation or it's OK when you say that it's OK, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, it's whatever thought you said you wanted you you were like all hot to trot when we started this. Oh, yes. It's about this.
It's about me parenting. Because because I know you're like me. I know you're like me. I don't actually have to ask but like. When they say our cities lock down, I take that pretty seriously, I go, I go ahead and you put a rule in place. I'm going to follow your rule. I'm going to follow you. Rule the best I can. I'm not going to friend's house. I'm not going to go to dinner over people's houses.
I'm going to stay in my mind. My family going to stay in. I'm going to do the necessities. Like if one of us has to go get gross, we order our groceries. But it's not like Leon said, you know, I need chicken thighs and they're not selling chicken thighs with skin on them online. Can you go to Gelson's? I do that. I'll go to Gelson's. I understand that. I go to get my medication.
There's certain rules in place and to explain them to a child. But her also seeing you go out and do certain things like Lianne's, like if I don't go look at tiles in the house, we're building shuts down and then we are paying money on something like there's certain things that need to happen. And explaining it to a child is so fucking impossible.
Don't call her a childhood at this point. She's a young adult. She's a young adult. I asked her if she wanted to go to boarding school last night. Like meaning like not being a dick, being like, hey, you, this sucks. And we may be in this for a little longer. Would you like to do next semester at boarding school and hang out with people and be able to live a life and like not have to live with your parents without vaccines coming out next month?
I know, but I don't think I don't think it's going to change for a while, Bill. I don't think anyone's going to take the fucking vaccine.
I mean, I am. I am my fucking daughter's don't want it, and then you go, well, so do I, just what I do, slip it in their drink like, well how do I how do I get everyone buy cereal?
The cereal here, dude, do we have a cereal sponsor on here. No. Oh, my God. Someone sent me some fucking cereal that's through the roof and I'm dying to talk about and I know it's a sponsor because it's a protein cereal and I don't know, it's not on my broadcast.
I don't know where we tried. Get it. Yeah, we tried to get it out. We'll see. Maybe next year we'll pick them up, man.
They send it to my house. I fucking love it. What is it. I forget the name of that magic spoon. Magic spoon. It builds all protein. No sugar. It tastes like fucking cereal. It's cereal, it is cereal, but it takes the blueberry one. I'm addicted to it. I'm addicted to it. We talked about last week I was like I just had a bowl of cereal.
The most I've ever heard somebody say the word cereal in three seconds. Well, it looks like it's cereal. It's cereal. My thinking lately has been silence. Oh, God, what has happened to us talking about not drinking, becoming better people? I figured the trick to salads, which is why I don't eat them, is it's a pain in the ass to make them. So what you got to do is when you get it, you've got to cut up all the heads of lettuce, parsley, whatever you going to put in there, whatever the fuck you, whatever green you got left over, cut all of that up, rinse it and then wash it.
And then it's just available and then have your sides cut up just like one of those fast food joints you beat. So whatever the fuck you're going to put in there. And like I came home at like one twenty four, this one thirty start and like, I had that thing made by one twenty five and shoved it in my pile, whole pie hole by by one twenty nine. And I was ready to go. Wow, fills me up, brother.
Can I tell you, I can't do I can only do spinach for whatever reason, spinach and TAFTA there's certain salads I'm not into like I can't get into liano get like kale salads.
And I'm like, I don't know. It just seems like a lot of like I don't mind kale and a smoothie, but like I like what they do to it so it tastes good.
You might as well be eating a bag of chips.
I like a nice piece of salmon on cooked medium rare. We'll still like still kind of raw inside. You going man made a wild salmon while Sam I get I get a shout out to my buddy Liwei at the joint. This is place the joint bill on Ventura. This guy Liwei dry ages all his fish, he's dry aged fish guy on Instagram. He drayage is all fish so there's less water inside it so it lasts longer. So you buy a big chunk of salmon for him.
It'll last for the whole week and a half and you can just cut it up in little slices as you go work your way through it. I do a lemon mustard vinaigrette, that garlic that is through the roof. I get a cook salmon in there in the in my small and my small like like toaster oven and my toaster oven at four hundred for fourteen minutes. That's still pink on the inside. Right. Still like rare in the inside. I put it on top of a bed of lettuce with onion and hollow piano and then I drizzle that mustard all over it.
Do that's how I've been eating healthy. I love that dude. I love.
I go with the man made salmon. Really. I like to man made salmon because while I've read that our oceans is so goddamn polluted and all the shit we've thrown in the plastics, they break down to little balls in the fish. And Halem so you're literally eating some old salad bowl that is throughout with with the fish.
Dude, have you seen the oceans over in Sierra Leone? So it's we've got to the thing about is, is human beings. How or at least how we're living and has to endure, it's just there's no. It's it's like that person that gets diagnosed with cancer and they keep smoking. Yeah, that's what we're doing. We just keep. Keep pushing it and you know, Mother Nature has been nice so far. She's given us a couple of jabs here and there, but I feel eventually it's going to be it's going to be something.
So I'm trying to. I don't know. I just don't look at it. You can tell I dress. I don't buy clothes anymore. I'm like, I have to wear this shit.
So, you know, it's great that you can get away with just a black, buttoned down man. You can wear a black button down in front of your friends for days in a row before they finally go. You wearing the same shirt every day? There's something about it. Nobody just nobody notices. You get into, like, some wild color they're going to. I'm going to call you out on it. Our heart makes a great black hoodie that is rain proof, meaning like water or runoff it, which also means food's going to run off of it.
And I know wearing the fuck out of that.
Yeah. Yeah. Dude, I hope. I hope. I was watching this guy who's just, like, totally eats like plant based and all of that shit. Which I just like steak too much and stuff like that, I could never do that, but I'm thinking, well, if I go two thirds of the day not doing it, because what it really is, is there's so many people eating steak and shit. You've got all these, I guess, cows farting, steer, farting.
It actually is bad for the atmosphere. But I got to tell you something, man, those impossible burgers and shit that they're not right. I don't like that shit where it's just like this isn't what it's pretending to be, but tastes just as good. I always think, like, there's no fucking way to do that. Without you putting it, there's some sort of voodoo in that thing that's just going to take me out.
It's like one of those robot fuck dolls. You're like, you can only fuck it so much before you start breaking inside where you're like you're like I'm doing right now.
I think the Internet with free porn. I bet that is created or unleashed more. Like sexually fucked up slash offender people, just because they can indulge in this shit, and then I think that those robot dolls, dude, like, I can't fucking imagine. If you stick a human being in there locked away with one of those things and that thing isn't going to rat them out and they could do whatever the fuck they want. There's no and how twisted fuckin people are.
And guys, you can't you like what's going to be walking out of that room a year later. You got a better chance of that fucking robot not fucking twisting your head around?
We were we were watching in college. We were watching real sex on HBO. And they were they showed it is the first time we ever saw like a like a real robot fuck toy, like a like it was as a woman. And it would it was like and this guy had one he had a hit, an outdoor screened in porch and it was sitting on his outdoor screened in porch. And he was like he was having a cocktail and it had a cocktail in front of it.
And we were all like this, like, like, what the fuck? And one of my buddies was on the corner of the couch smoking a cigarette. And he just like to himself, but a little loud so we could hear he just goes, you know, where you could get with that thing.
And it just fell apart. Laughing Like, Where where is your head? Like going like this.
Like he might already be there before he goes in the room, but you or I would end up there. Yeah. After a year, dude, it's just it's just like anything you're just starting at different. It's different, I swear to God, dude, if I had a robot sex doll. At my age, I would want to do is why lay on the couch watching TV? It just rubs my head telling me everything is going to be OK.
That's what I would do with it.
Give me a back rub. I'll just be like, you know, I really appreciate you.
You think about those kids, the all the sex they've seen on. They've seen professionals do it.
When I was a kid, when I was a kid, I remember I still remember the first time I did Doggystyle and was like, whoa, like, holy shit, this is crazy.
Like, I have a vivid dream. And I was thinking about that today for whatever reason. I remember where I was. I remember I remember exactly where I was the first time that happened. I remember off the table. But you're on the coffee table. Get our hands on the coffee table. Oh, my God, I remember that, and dude, I'm telling you, do this, this teenage kids who, like, they've never even had sex with a human being yet and have had so much sex that when they say a woman or whatever they're into touches on their body doesn't respond, mean they can't get it up because they they've gone to that dude.
I stop watching porn in in May. I had one slip up about a week ago and then I was almost going to go back again the other day and I said, don't do it. And I didn't. And I feel like that's a huge thing and I'll be fine. I just don't wanna I don't wanna be a part of that world anymore. There's I got to the point, I wasn't doing anything. I was just watching it and I was watching the game within the game.
I started thinking how they could make it better. It's just like, why is the production value? So why is he acting so bad? I just I started thinking, like, why would somebody do that? Yeah, I was like watching, you know, after a while you watch so much standup, you stop laughing. And you're up there going like, oh, that joke work because he did this? Oh, he could build on that or she could do this and you're not even laughing and they get off.
I'll do it. Hilarious. That was hilarious. You get like you're like a jaded comic, but with like porn.
Oh, I've ever seen a girl in porn. And you're like you're like, wait, why is she doing this? Like, she could just fall in love with a rich guy. Like you're too pretty for that. Like I get some girls in porn or I go, yeah, I get it. I can see the the broken part of you that you did. I get some of them and then you see where you're like. Like I wanted to do, like I would have married, like what?
Like how y y you there's this girl, her name's her name's something Peach. What's her name. Something Peach. Is it Peach Pnina Peach Pornstar, by the way, why watch this? I'm going to I'm going to I'm going to say voice into Google what it is and I bet she comes up. Porn star. MassArt, unstable Piech. Rita Peach, her name is Rita Peach. She an amen, brother. She is fucking awesome, dude, she is so fucking hot, and all I can think is what what skill sets doesn't she have that that put her in that situation?
Like, in my head, I go, she can't speak English. There's no way she speaks English. Like there's there's it's impossible for to speak English. She's got great teeth, perfect body, beautiful smile. She looks like fucking like. What's Anne Hathaway. She's a gorgeous woman. Read a speech. But for whatever reason she ended up porn. And I'm not. I'm not. But maybe that's her. I don't think it's I mean, I don't know whatever.
But I just go. How did she end up there? Like, she could have given a nurse, like the hottest nurse and the doctor would fall in love with her.
And then, like, you know, funny, it is picturing you sitting there with your dick in your head and then watching this woman come across as you're like, no, you didn't need to end up here. She's fucking dudes that don't even like like she could've gotten better, like. It really is so do you see a picture of her? Oh, I didn't I didn't look it up. Look at her, she's beautiful, she's beautiful, she's wholesome, she's gorgeous.
And by the way, she can fuck like maybe her talent is like she really brings it. I mean, her hand jobs or should I fantasize? She does this like I'm just like, why I want to send those videos to my wife and go, hey, just, you know, watch the game tape. You'll notice that she didn't. But all right.
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And then she's going to be like, fuck off, man, go fuck yourself. Why did you become a comedian?
I guess you said how did you end up there?
Like, yeah, like it's a bad thing. It's not a bad thing. I'm jerked off to a non stop a million times. I talk shit about this dude porn star Owen Gray one time. And I was like, I didn't even realize I was doing it. I was like, dude, the guy's amazing. He's got a big dick. But I bet he's one of those small guys that like the dick looking on him because he's tiny. I forget it totally right.
I get a DM from him on Instagram or on on on on Twitter. And all it says is I'm six three.
And I'm like, oh, fuck, I didn't know you'd hear that. Well, there you go, there you go, there you have it.
Hey, I haven't heard that Tom Cruise rant yet, but I'm going to say he was 100 percent in the right. That's every time I see that that Christian Bale rant, he was 100 percent in the right. I'm going to sit here and drop fucking 60 pounds. I put on 40 pounds and I'm going to bring it this hard and I'm doing this fucking scene and that guy just disappears into the character. And I can deal with some jerk off walking around in the background like, what the fuck are you doing?
And then as far as this shit like this, so strict on these shoots and they they give you the answer to the test, just do what the fuck they tell you. This thing won't get shut down. All you guys are going to work and we're going to get through this thing. And I like the fact I just sit in the fucking worm that put that out. You want to talk about, like, breaking the rules of like like like this whole bullshit now on on social media, when you want to be the one that, like, leak stuff out and everything so you can get more friends is really.
I don't know, I like that I grew up when I grew up where I was just like, hey man, that stays in the locker room, we solve this amongst ourselves because that shit I was talking about a rogue and were comics trashing other comics on, like, social media. I mean, maybe I've been guilty because I made fun of somebody who did it. I was guilty. I'd be vacuousness of what they were doing. And then all it cost was other comics to defend that person, to come in on me.
And then I just tapped out going like I didn't want to do this. I was just trying to show. I'm guilty of that and just, you know, if someone's got some sort of mini scandal going on and you use this as an opportunity to go after that, like I love, at first, it starts about the issue and then quickly devolves into the person's act and stuff. And it's just like, oh, so is it about the issue or your bitterness about where you are in this business?
And this person was getting more spots than you and you didn't think that was fair? Oh, I've seen.
I've seen I've seen people shit on. I saw one time I won't name names, but I saw one time a female comedian shit on a male comedian and it started to go viral. And then she she she she responded to her own tweet so that it came up next. I didn't know this was going to go this big. If you guys could check out my special on on YouTube, I'd really appreciate it and give me a follow. And I'm like, oh, that's a bad look.
But here's the deal is like the whole thing is, did you see that Smokey Robinson thing? No. Smokey Robinson, like, you can do this thing now where you pay a famous legend like him to wish you a merry Christmas or whatever. So he's doing it right, because I'm sure, you know, like all of us, he was probably doing the fucking road and his year went away. So he needs the money. So he goes ahead and does it.
I just realized I have this fucking Mike all the way over here now. So he goes and he does this.
I shut the thing off. God damn it, Bill. That's all right. And he goes, this is what he said. He goes, Oh, whatever message for Burt, so-and-so wants you to wish you a happy chanukkah, whatever that is. And he just kept doing it. Whatever. You didn't know what the fuck it was, right. I was like 80 years old. And then this person was a private video posted. It was just a classic.
No good deed goes unpunished. And I love that somebody on Twitter wrote, you know, this is kind of shitty, OK? He fucked it up, but like, he still did it. And now you're going to try to make the guy look like an asshole. I actually like the comment.
It's like somebody at least kind of gets it happy and he's like, I don't know what that is, but happy. And he was still being nice and he just he didn't know what chanukkah was, but he was still being a good guy. Can't that just be enough? It's got to be like, oh, M.G., it's Smokey Robinson, really. Just do this. By the way, guys, here's my Instagram page and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
It just becomes that every fucking time.
Chaloupka whatever the fuck I can picture, it is Smokey Robinson.
But hey, everybody, Smokey Robinson here have a Chaloupka, but I shouldn't have brought it up.
You're missing the point. The point is he was nice enough to do it. He mispronounced it. How many how much shit do I mispronounce on this? Give the guy a break.
Oh, so that's so good. I love Smokey Robinson.
Jackie Robinson's fucking amazing is Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite. Hey, Rudolph. Look like it's in his in a bad neighborhood. The cameo our bad people are making bank from it.
The guy the best guy ever. The best fucking guy who goes all out like he does when he's on stage. If you want a happy birthday, Subash Sebastian Bach steaminess Chalco.
I was like, shut the fuck up. Sebastian Bach is like. I like. I think I favorite at every one of his birthday wishes really doesn't just say, hey, man, this is I'm a famous rock star. Happy birthday. But he makes like 20 minute videos. He's showing you his house. He's talking about albums and like. Yeah, it's just it's just it's it's one of my favorite things on Instagram is Sebastian Bach wishing somebody happy birthday.
How much he gives a shit. God, he did one. The other one he did went viral where he was. Somebody's dad passed away and he did this whole thing about how terrible it is, like when your dad passed away and it was, like you said, 15, 20 minutes of the most touching, like couldn't have been better written thing.
Yeah, yeah. Just a solid, solid dude. Dude, I saw them on their first tour on New Year's Eve in the Boston Garden, December 31st. Nineteen eighty nine. I believe it had to be because I've been arrested for drinking and driving because my buddy had to drive. I mean this is his cameos are five hundred dollars.
They should be. They're five it's like ten bucks a minute. It does like an hour. Well, the five hundred dollars he's making bank, I was going to get you home for Christmas. Oh, yeah, yeah. You spent 500 bucks on the 500 bucks. It's about debark you should do. What do you mean? I spent five minutes. I'm going to do it for you. I'll get you Sebastian Bach for Christmas.
This is this is not about bad idea.
I saw him December 31st, nineteen eighty nine in the Boston Garden opening up for Aerosmith, and he absolutely fucking destroyed. This is going to be I'll tell you right now, that guy, that guy's SNL. When he sings. Monkey business, yeah. Oh, my God. He fucking he I've talked about this before on this podcast. That's one of the hardest I've ever seen anybody rip on on a TV show ever. I got high with Sebastian Bach.
I once again, I just said, I'm not going to fucking say that, and then all of a sudden I'm like, God damn it. Well, it's a good story, it's a good story, I'll never do it again. Yeah, you do. You like your you walk amongst the people. I mean, if that's what you want to do. But at some point, man, you got to like you've got to understand you've got kids and shit.
And it's fucking weird. I was out there this fucking weirdos. Yeah. There are weirdos. People are cool. You know, most people are cool. All right, let's go back. And I just sliced that cut that out to pieces part.
Part. Well, then I got it, I got to ask now when I'm not going to ask, but ask no, I'm not going to ask. I didn't Fulker. I never called her. I'm that guy, I'm that guy that like I like, I think the story is better than the actual doing it sometimes, like the story, that whole story I just told you for me, I said, I'm good, I'm done.
I don't need I don't need to like you like the last episode of The Sopranos. Yeah.
Actually, I never saw The Sopranos, but yeah, I know what that is.
I actually liked it. I really like I didn't like the fact that, you know, after saying all those names that nothing happened.
Anyway, but when are we going have have you watched that Monday Night Football game, Browns and Ravens?
Dude, can I tell you, I feel like Johnny Manziel should have not Johnny Manziel, but Baker Mayfield. I feel like he should have gotten a win also. You know what I mean? I felt at some point that they should have addressed how horrific the defense was in the final three minutes of the game or address the fact that they have so changed the rules to tip it in favor of offenses. Like I was talking to my podcast how like back in the day, Joe Montana just had to be Joe Montana.
At the end of the game, two minutes left. He'd drive down, inevitably score a touchdown or Elway would do it, Marino or whatever, and then the defense would come out, maybe give up a first down and then the team would have to punted away. Then to the quarterback just came out, took a knee three times and the game was over. Yeah, that was like watching people play in a fucking video game. I mean, with the score win with Baker, Mayfield takes it down the field to tie it up.
OK, and then Lamar Jackson starts driving his to do what do you shake your head about due to Cleveland Brown Corners bumped into each other like they were in the Keystone Cops and they let the receiver get behind him. That's what the fucking story is of that play. It's not Lamar Jackson takes him down the field. It's just like, what the fuck was that? That's the look. But the majority of the Raiders jets like with Lamar Jackson really is.
Fun to watch. He really is like I like, you know, I love I love a game like that because I don't really have a team that I'm rooting for. But I love Baker Mayfield and I love Lamar Jackson.
Was I just speaking a different language? At what point did I say Lamar Jackson was great, was OK? I'm talking about when it's tied with under two minutes left and somehow receiver is down the field, 10 yards, 15 yards away from any other person on the other fucking team. The story there is not the quarterback is not all he needs to get fired a cut. What the that is the worst fucking. But they are just so into just selling the offense, the offense, the offense that it's just like dude that was like watching a game of tennis was just up and down the fucking field like hockey without the red line now because hockey's three scores in two minutes.
It was insane and the only reason why Baker Mayfield didn't just drive right down the fucking field, he didn't have enough time. Yeah, like an NFL game is over now until there's like maybe I would say, like in the team, like 11 seconds left. But if you have like twenty four seconds left, somehow there's going to be a 40 yard fucking pass and then a quick out for another 15 yards and they kick a field goal. So. I don't know, I like the whole game.
I know I'm not just like, oh, just score zillion points. Like that type of football is for the casual fan. That's how I watch soccer. To me, a good game of soccer is five to four.
That's going to say six to eight. Yeah, eight to six. Yeah. That that that'll get an American watching that fucking like me to get to watch that game because I'm not into the sport. If I watched it a lot I could totally get into a one nil game. But that's, that's how, you know, you don't, you're not really understanding the game is when you get excited watching like no fucking defense. Like, I was just sitting there going, like, that's also why I don't gamble, man, I do a little bit, but like, I just can't imagine losing that game.
Like, if you were like, oh, well, that's great. You know, the spread was three and a half. Three, it was three at the Phuket Ravens'. And every time you thought Lahmar won it and then Baker Mayfield came back like how much you would age, and then in the end when they were going for the field goal, you're now rooting for them to miss it because you're going to lose your bet. And then somewhere along the line, you actually start personally hating either the coach of the Ravens or Lamar Jackson.
Like I you know, I watch my friends go through that who really got into gambling, like with like literally. You know, hate certain players because they fucked them on a bet. But wait, wait, wait, hold on. Wasn't wasn't that game? If I'm not, correct me if I'm wrong, Andrew, but the spread was three and that safety pushed them over that safety at the end of that safety count. Yes, it definitely counted.
And so that fucker spread. You won the game, you won the game, you're like, good, we're done, we're done, they're not going to make it. We're good, we're good. Then they do that old fucking flea flicker and you're watching it move backwards, going like, oh, fuck, no. Oh, please, fuck no. Are you fucking kidding me? Dropped it. Just take a fucking knee and then safety in the end zone, bro.
That would set I literally first thing I tweeted was, please tell me the spread wasn't fucking three. Oh, yeah. Now, any time is that there's that stupid fucking all that play at the end of the game where they have the punter run out the back of the end zone. It's just like. You know, the NFL claims that they're against domestic violence, but they let those punches. It's like I just you know, it's funny, you only hear about the person who loses that battle.
I want to see the video of the person who's sitting there going like, oh, my God, I just lost my week's pay. And then the putter runs out of the back of the end zone. I like seeing people when I don't like to see and I don't like seeing the the in there. So anyway, I'll see you down on the road for the year. I'm done until June.
Yeah, I'm done for the foreseeable future.
I can't do I can't do any outdoor shows. It's too cold. Some folks, and certainly something I did, those I did that eight day tour outside Texas, Texas gets cold, but it doesn't get like, you know, the Cold War. And just being out in the elements like that, man, I was just sitting there going, like, if this was an outdoor game, the stand up shit, there's no I would be writing for another comic at my age at this point.
Oh, yeah, I would I would have gone out there with the giant snowsuit on. I figure I figure I give myself I'm it bums me out some I've been writing material, my brain still in stand up because I just got off the road, but I figure I can be pretty healthy. I'm going I'm going to try to go six months without not without drinking. I'm going to have a drink but without getting drunk, like without getting fucking wasted.
Like just I'll have a drink. I want to try that whiskey and drink like an adult.
That's amazing because there are so many great alcohols. I say that right. Yeah. All resentence. I like to write with so many great alcohols out there, like incredible bottles of wine. You know that whiskey you were talking about.
What sugar are you going to have when we do a socialist? Óscar, what's somebody's going to have? Do you already have a planned out? Um, you know, somebody sent me this amazing box of Davidov of just like the whole smorgasbord of what they had. They have some great cigars.
I might I might go down, though, because I have a lot of the Illawarra's the people in Austin hooked me up with with a box of like a mix of the rubies, the emeralds and the sapphires.
But I still think I might go to my buddy in Hollywood and go get he has he has some nice cigars, not going to say the name of it because I want to be able to get over there and get one.
I tell you what I use the other day, and I don't think they're a sponsor today, but I use Thompson's cigar. I was buying cigars from my brother in law, bro. They've got everything. They really do have everything. And I got I ended up I ended up buying like I want to say, like five hundred dollars worth of cigars. Like, I just I was like, you just start adnam. You're like fucking Olivas are great.
Oh, there's a lever. The fucking was pretty much what you leave it.
I'm not too familiar with those. I know one of them. One cigar of the year.
Which one do you like is five. I just Googled it to. It's a great box. A lever. I'll pull it up. Watch this lever series five Milenio. OK, you know, I do I these right here are a habit. OK, they're really fucking I just support my brother like Davidov, I like the loud roars, I like the nubs. Oh, I'll tell you what I bought I bought a box of Padrone seven thousands, which is my own Thompson cigars, and I wish they were responsible for this because this would be so organic, but I bought a box of them.
Good price. And you can never find the seven thousand. And I'm telling you, Bill, I'll give you one of those cigars and just have the easiest smoke drawers. So easy and it tastes for it's my favorite cigar. That and Bobby Kelly turned me on to fatwahs. Oh, yeah, yeah, I haven't tried one of those yet. I didn't know it, I might I can't wait, let me see. Thompson did not have tightwire.
See if they can read my gringo's. No, they did have them, they didn't want to have Tattie Euge. Oh, I got it.
I got it. Images. OK, I've never tried those, you know what, Al Ducharme came over my house one day and he introduced me to I forget the cigar, but he had a great one. He had a group, as I said, come on over, I got cigars and he showed up and brought his own under the table and then waved off what I was giving him. I was like, oh, shit. I asked the fastball as I we were doing we were doing a read like we have of a TV show coming out January 7th on TBS at 9:00 p.m., the Go Big Show.
And we were doing a read me and Snoop, and I thought it'd be funny to have a cigar in one hand and have a blunting the other. Right. So and I was the whole joke is we were drinking and I was like, he's like, you double fisting. And I was like, I am. And I pull up the blunt. And I was like, this is what you gave me. And he was like, Oh, shit.
And so I as a joke, I fucking lit it and I hit it on accident, not even thinking I just hit it. And all of a sudden I'm like, oh shit, it's one o'clock in the afternoon and I'm high as fuck. And I was like, oh, I did not plan this out.
Like I just it was it caught me off guard that high when I was in high school. It was one of Snoop's blunts and I and I could feel it in my face. And then I had to have a cigar. I had to do a podcast with Peanut from from three eleven. And I ended up having to have a cigar to like not to calm down, but just to be like, all right, we're good, we're fine, we can talk, we're normal.
But man, I was I one hit, one hit and I was because I was trying to do a thing where I took a hit and blew it into the camera. But in in instinctually I took the hit and inhaled it like not thinking, oh, I don't need to inhale. It is just a bit. And and then I put it out and I was like, I'll say this for later. This is a really good blunt. Yeah, I can't smoke weed.
I just feel like two, three times are doing and I feel like my lungs can't have the same air capacity. So I occasionally have a gummy I'm just not I'm not into doing I mean, I do enough, you know, a couple of cigars a month. That's enough. I put the smoke. I like to your back on cigars.
So what is it? Do you how many do you have a month. Because I, I've been I was quit as long as you were quit pretty much. I quit for the whole pandemic but I recently it was my go to in December to kind of tap out at the end of the day and go I'm going to enjoy a sunset, I'm going to slow it down, I'm going to do like I don't you know, what a really nice listen to the Carnap and having a cigar and good.
The daily meditation where they go. All right.
Today we're going to talk about lighthouses and you're like, OK, yeah. No, I, I was doing great until June and then it went off the rails. Then I got it back on the rails in July, went off the rails in August. I gave up in September and October and I did better in November. And then December has been good, like I haven't smoked a lot. But like I just get into these like I just need four days, four days and not doing something.
Then I got a streak going. Then I'm fine. But like I mean, I got to do something. So I smoked a couple this month, but when I did that tour, I didn't. I didn't do anything. Weed isn't legal in Texas, so I wasn't fucking with that. Guys don't play around out there, so I didn't do any of that to drink and smoke. I smoke. What cigar? The last between the left right before the last show.
And I got you Yonnet. So where are we going to have this car, your house should be called the shit I used to do. I used to. What's that? So when are you going to get where are we going to start? We do it on the roof, the Comedy Store. I don't see why not, because it is up there. Well, yeah, that's right, it's not open like. It would be nice to be up there, take a look at I'd get it, I'd be at a big fucking remember this moment the other day I was flying with a buddy of mine.
And I just like cruising right down sunset, looking at all the sick ass houses, there's a house over there with JFK when you go past the Soho House where JFK and Jackie Kennedy, they had their honeymoon and it's also the House. Kevin Costner, Whitney Houston, I guess I never seen that movie, but The Bodyguard.
I know that house. I know the house through that house is over there, man. It's fucking this like like levels of like these just the pools. Just to look at that then leads to the pool. It's insane. The house is fucking insane. And it's a couple like that over there. There's one out by the Eagle Rock that I look at that has a pool in the front yard in the backyard. I just look at like that type of stuff.
But I was coming right down it. And they've so built up that area because they used to just be the rock and roll height and then the House of Blues. You could see the Comedy Store. Now it's like nestled in there because that thing that they built across the street. So you almost got to be over it to see it now. Yeah. And yeah, right down there. Went up the the PCH up to Malibu.
There's a little fire on the 405. Saw that. So the helicopter going around, we just stayed south of them, went up and then came back and just had a great time. Great time.
God we almost bought a house when we were looking at houses a while ago. There was a house that had three acres, but it was on a it was on a hill. Right. So it was not a ton of land where the house was, but there was a house. It was a nice OK backyard, but it was up on a hill. And they said, just so you know, you can build on that. You can dig into the mountain and build on that.
And they had had plans for building like a pool, like all this stuff on the mountain. And I with with if with no all the money in the world, meaning like money's no object.
I thought that would be the coolest fucking house to be able to have like a like have a workout room. Like I was like build your turn the regular house into like a workout room, build your house on top of the mountain that have a pool and the next level and then have a tennis court or something, you know, like I could just layer it out. And so you're walking down and it would have been astronomically for all of that.
You got to buy all that you're going to sell. So that's when life on the road I work at the network. I keep like I'm fighting all of this all of this dumb shit that when you start doing well and then you just start buying all of this other shit I like, I'm kind of like trying to do a minimalist thing after I kind of follow the herd and I have a zillion hoodie sweatshirts. The fuck am I going to do with all of these?
And then they're like, whatever you do, like an acting gig, they give you one and then it's become sentimental and you're like, fuck. So I don't know. I think, like, dude, I'm telling you, man, live a simple life, simple life. What do you dumb friends is going to go fucking buy one with the pool and a tennis court. All you got to do is show up with a pair of shorts and a racket, a 12 pack and you're all good and then he can fucking deal with.
Now he has the tennis court guy. Tennis court guy's supposed to come here Tuesday.
The fucking net is sagging and that becomes your life through this people.
They buy a house so big they have to have a they have a manager for their house.
Whoa. He just handles the house. I was talking to somebody the other day and they were talking about somebody who collected somebody like comic books or something. There was a guy whose job was was to manage this person's collection of comic books. That was their job, and it's just like. Like I was having like like shortness of breath dealing with like that level of infrastructure for something so fucking stupid. Wow, if you just sentenced yourself and now you've got to get this guy a Christmas card.
Do I send him a fucking family Christmas card? What do I get the 50 bucks?
One hundred one. I give him the end of the fucking. It's just another. You got to deal with the holidays, a time to decompress and be with your family. You're sitting at the tennis court guy. I got the guy who manages my fucking bobblehead collection. I got the guy who just starts up all of my cars, so they're charged, blocked at. Lean and mean, brother, lean, mean, I got hey, you know what I did, I planned a big trip, January 1st, real expensive trip.
And then I just decided not to do it. I feel like I saved a ton of money and it was like it was really nice. I said to so we could do this. She went, I think I think it's bad. We're in a quarantine. Let's just stay home. And I was like, deal. I was like, wow, I you saved ten grand. That's awesome. Yeah, yeah, nice guys were staying home, we're going to watch tennis tonight.
What's better than being home, nothing, nothing is better than being humble. Nothing is better than being home in the last call with the people you love. If you can help cause them to be sexually underwear, what's better than home?
Nothing is better than nothing is better than going with a fuck. You going?
All right. We should have a vacation when I had an apartment. Yeah, well, yeah. When you have an apartment, a vacation is fucking nice and amazing because you go into a nicer apartment than yours. Yeah, you just got a nice fucking hotel. You want to get away from the office, New York, the grind and shit. Yeah. Now I wanted to do all I wanted was quiet. That's all I was trying to go to, like, half the time.
You know, one of my favorite vacations. I would just go home to my parents house. I would just go back to my hometown in the trees and just hanging out and the quiet and hit my old food spots, places where they used to take us to get ice cream or like the pizza parlor I would go to, you know, I'd always gain weight or whatever because I'd be the old steak and cheese and shit, like when I was a kid.
But like, I enjoyed one of the best vacations I ever had. I went to a lake in New Hampshire with Nia early on. Really, it was we and we went all out and we got the captain's lodge, which was basically just a giant one bedroom apartment, it overlooked this lake. And it was all, you know, it was just and it was fucking, you know, regular people. You know, nobody here is going to go like, oh, let's go to the Caribbean.
It was just like, now we don't have money like that. We're going to go to this lake, I didn't have money like that. We went there. We got fucking, you know, got drunk every night, hung out, swam in the lake. I love swimming in a lake. No sharks.
A lake in the north, a lake in the north, good fucking Florida lakes suck. Oh, yeah, reptiles. Fuck that fuck. Reptiles, reptiles, dude, you got you've got a pay per view of reptiles. You got pythons battling it out with alligator top level predators. And I'm going to walk out there like a fucking chicken that got plucked a fucking doing that. So I that's the thing. Underrated. I still see my podcast overrated.
Underrated, a late vacation, underrated. Might run into some meth. Not going to lie here. Depends on where you go. But like like I really feel like people like New Hampshire, Maine, Minnesota, Wisconsin.
They got back there. That's God's country man. You got, you got hunting. Fishing. You got that. You got the trees. You got the greenery. You got this great like and I like that there's a winner in all of that shit. So like some are special like we got to, we got to enjoy this because we'd be freezing our balls off and then when that freeze pulls up, somebody got to ski. Mobile is some shit.
There's fun to be had, you know. God, no, I want to go Peninsula Michigan, one of the best times I ever had Upper Peninsula used to do this gig up there. There was a college and I used to have these every year. When I would do it, the fraternities would have like the best snow fort competition. And one of the one of the attorneys, it was like like the smart kids, the athletes, the engineers.
And they would build like a two or three story fucking snow fort with, like, electricity and shit. It was fucking insane. It was insane. I'm going to go up there and do this gig. Beginning with an H, I want to say the town was one of the big ones and I made the mistake the first time I did the gig, I flew into Detroit back in Upper Peninsula of Michigan, and I didn't realize it went all the way over Lake Michigan, over to Wisconsin, and I should have landed in Milwaukee.
And so I had to drive like a fucking lunatic at 80 miles an hour for like nine hours or something to get up there. I got to find this gig where I'm going with it. I'm like, maquette or something. Oh, no cats.
Definitely Wisconsin. That's in Milwaukee. I think the. Upper Peninsula, oh, I know where it is, Bill, I know where it is. Hold on. Mackinaw City. Might have been that Mackinaw City is where we went, we went to the island and Mackinac Island, I think Mackinac Island is a Mackinac Island is where we went, Bill. And we took a plane and the kid flying it goes, Hey, man, you want to take off?
And I was like, What? He's like, come on, why don't you want to fly in for a little bit? You take off. And I was like, what? Seems like it's really easy. I'll show you. And he did. I did the takeoff and I flew a little bit and he landed it. And on the ride back at the same thing I did, the takeoff flew a little bit and he landed it. This was a kid.
He was like, maybe, I swear to God, he was maybe 18 years old and he was Fynes from Meccano Mackinaw to Mackinaw Island. Normally you could just take snowmobiles across the ice, but the ice wasn't steady. They for whatever reason. And so we had to fly it. Mackinac Island Bill is I didn't do that.
I found I found that I found the thing. Where is it? I think it was this. Marinette, I was something began with an M.. I don't know, it was so long ago. It was so long ago, and whatever that bridge was that I fucking went over on the 75. Seventy five, the Mackinac Bridge. Drew, there were so many varmints that ran out in front of my car after I got over that bridge, I don't know what a half of them were.
I think I saw Fox and then there was just a bunch of other shit, too, we're going way long here, man. I got I got another Zoome call I got to do here. Let's wrap this up. What are you looking at? You got to look. Look, I'm looking at your I'm looking at, you know, to button this. Our first episode we did I talk to you about a Yelp review I wrote and I wrote that Yelp review in Mackinaw Island, that was the best BLT I've ever had in my life.
And I wrote that BLT review in Makinen and not McConnell and McConnell, Michigan. And it was the best fucking BLT I've ever had.
You know what? There's a city in Canada. I fucking hate carrot cake. I hate it. OK, it's it's one of those go fuck yourself deserts, dude, I still think about the carrot cake I had. I you know, my agent has like all the lists of places that I played, I was somewhere me and he did three weeks in Canada. I brought my hockey stuff. I was playing pickup hockey outside. Really, we were having the best we had the best fucking time.
This was another one. Where the fuck was it? Another one of those, mTOR, Monkton, Monkton. Dude, we fucking went there and there was some bar and I just wanted to desert, I probably had something really salty and all they had was carrot cake and I was like, fuck it, I'll have the lead half of it. And I ate it. And I was like, this is like he actually called me like a month ago.
We were talking because I do remember that carrot cake we had in Canada. Dude, I'm telling you, this is like eight years ago. We're still talking about it. I got to go back there. And what was funny was during the day. It was a place you could bring your kids and your wife in is awesome and everything, and then at night it was like Jekyll and Hyde, it was just these fucking people were hammered, fun, hammered, Canada hammered boatswain's.
Yeah, having a good time. But, you know, somebody that might be might be a fight or something, but they were fuckin lit. And I remember I was like, dude, we got to get out of here man, because it was like the first night of this tour. That was a fun one when we went over to like Halifax, Nova Scotia, and we worked our way all the way back, then back. Across to Vancouver and like that on an island or some shit, we we played everywhere and went ended up going back to Calgary in Calgary.
They were fucking animals at this place. Animals. Calgary is awesome to Calgary.
They were not fucking around. Yeah. That's one of the drunkest crowds I have ever been in front of. Like, I mean, I'm talking like you're on stage and you're hearing that sound of bottles tipping over and rolling.
I was just like, all right, man, this is the deal. This is how I always felt like Alberta was like the Texas of Canada. It's a big oil place. Oil and cattle. And like something about when you're in those businesses, it's a tough businesses. So when you get to blow off steam, dude, you just like if you don't, you just kind of go like this with the rag to not burn your hand and then the cat goes flying off.
That's what those people look like. It was fun, but I was worn out and it was the last show. And it's just like, oh, man, I am not in super drunk crowd shape right now. But but they they were fun. All right, let's wrap this up, because I got I got all the stuff I have to do.
I got to take a shit. OK, and what that everybody does ends another wonderful episode of the bell or pod cast. All right, brother, great to talk to you as always. And I can't wait to smoke a cigar with you and talk about how lucky we are to live the life that we do. All right. All right, everybody.
I hope you're also living the life you want to live like me and my buddy buddy. All right. We'll talk to you later.