Hey, what's going on, everybody, and it's time I'm feel better, and it's time for another wonderful episode of the bill or pod cast.
Well. There's no reason when you, you know, sometimes, but if we if we have a guest who's, you know, at a certain level in this business, you got to do a big intro. But every once in a while when you get an A lister, someone who makes all the teenage chicks go crazy the second he gets on stage with them glitter pants, there's no reason to do an intro. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, straight from some bar somewhere.
From the gutter, please, please welcome the teen idol sensation from the Opie and Anthony program, Mr. Jodorowsky and Anthony program.
What's going on, Joe?
Nothing, man. Just sitting here. It's funny you say you said boo. It's good to see you guys. But it's funny you said because I'm on a I'm on a little bit of a break and whoo hoo!
Yeah. Getting tight over here in the apartment. Oh, dude, I came close the other night. I got like over 800 days. No booze. No. Two. Eight hundred.
You're still off, Bill. You're still off from when I remember you going off when I still lived in L.A., right.
Yeah, I left, I, I left the party Joe in November of twenty eighteen the other day.
Where the hell were we. We were, I was Valentine's Day. The day before and my wife took me out to brunch. And they were just they were just mixing drinks, Joe and I just kept hearing that blender. Yeah.
And I just heard and I was just like I literally said, right, you appreciate this. I said this to my wife. I go, I am so glad I'm not drinking right now. She goes, Why I go, because I would get fucked up, you know, like, you know, like sometimes you just feel it.
Yeah. You just like, dude, I am going to get fucking hammered and it's just that place just it had the vibe. People are in a good mood. All the different plates.
Shit, there are small plates. You don't feel like you're like a fat fuck, but you really are.
And what you read for Lori.
Well you know, the blender never got me.
Dude, the blender is not the noise that gets me. This is the one that gets me. Oh, that was that going on. There was if I can crap's think that Yochi whatever you call. Well I just a blended me means oh there's a bar here, you know, putting all kinds of booze in that blender.
I just want whatever you put in there straight are on the rocks. That's. Yeah well that's good. Just what are you doing to I mean Burt every year he does sober October.
I've been and I've been pretty dry since December. However I did make a Bloody Mary yesterday and smoked a blunt by myself. All right.
It's important the fans want you to make an appearance every once in a while. You got to feel your contractual obligations. Yeah, I've been really into blunts lately. Guys, I'm not going to lie to you.
I got I got my my my. Oh, here they are here on my blunts.
I and I'm doing it again today at four o'clock I ever since Snoop introduced me to blunts, I just really feel like I do slow down so we can see them here. Yeah. Yeah.
Kind of just so. Oh this one's empty. I really treat myself you know. It's got its got smell so good. Well you deserve it you know. You want to see some people get some people get a pedicure, other people smoke a blunt.
I mean you know, it's been really loud. That's all. Weed. That's all is it. It's a gram of weed.
How long does that take to smoke? You don't smoke that. All the smoke, the whole thing.
But here's what I do. Oh, my God. It's so good. It's andrews' nodding. How fucking high do you get? Well, here's the deal. I got really high yesterday and I could not stop writing jokes. And I was we were we had some socially distant cocktails with some friends outdoors. And I thought I thought I thought I'm going to smoke a blunt. And I did. And I could not stop making everyone laugh hysterically. And I thought, that's old Bert.
That's the Bert we know and love. But we miss. Yeah, I know. I what my friends said, one of our friends said, my kid just got on ADHD medicine and I was like, oh, how many does he get a month? Know what I was like. I don't know. Instead of having a moment alone, I might just buy some drugs from him.
And and so and so it started there and I enjoyed it. And but I more than anything, I enjoyed the frivolousness of just going just throwing the top off and saying we're going to have a cocktail for and just enjoy it. And I and I had I had one of the more enjoyable nights I had in my life yesterday. Wow, that's great. You do a blow to the head. That's impressive, man. I can't. I don't I don't know.
I don't inhale the whole thing. I smoke it and I enjoy it. I look at it like a very fine cigar, a very, very fine cigar. Take maybe ten hits throughout the whole blunt.
But I enjoy this. That's a lot of hits per. It's a lot. I was I was pretty fucking.
Well, let me ask you, how many hits are in that day? Oh, probably has dried up, Joe. I mean, know there's only there's only about 20 good hits in that thing, right? You're hitting your you're smoking half of that blunt to the head.
I mean, there's more than 20 statements for a while. That's what I would think. The person that's enough to get like four full size adults hyper.
Oh, yeah. A quote unquote posse. I've seen it done over. Snoop was the one that introduced me to blondes and I and I. Joe Rogan got into blunts. And I was like, I smoked a blunt one to Snoop's plants in my room, and I have never been more high in my entire life, but I enjoyed the smell. The smell was so beautiful and aromatic. I'm just happy that you're finally cutting loose a little bit. You know, you've always found such reserve.
Hey, I've got to listen.
I've got to I've got a personal trainer that I'm working out with every day, every other day, every like 40 days now and then just slide each.
It's a she bilberry be very progressive, very progressive.
And she puts me through the fucking ringer or so. And it's weird. I came in this morning, I was very hungover and I did my our workout and I felt perfect. I mean, it's like all of a sudden all the toxins flush out of my body and I feel like a million bucks. And then I go, now we've got to go back at it again tonight.
So I think if you crack the code, I might have I might have. I go and Dryas been enjoyable. I did it. I've done it a bunch this year and last and December. So what was that about this. Forty eight. How old are you Bert. I just, I like to compare. Forty forty eight and I just got my enzymes done for my liver. OK, so you're 40. I'm 43. It makes me feel like I got like, you know what I mean?
If I email, I got some time.
And then if you're feeling real bad, I look at Anthony and go, Oh, I'm really good. Yeah. Yeah.
What was the impetus? I just you know, it was weird through the first half of the pandemic and in the lockdown and everything, you know, New York's obviously getting hit pretty hard. So I didn't drink at all.
I didn't like it. I didn't care for it. And I think a lot of that had to do with I had I apparently I had covid and it was a very mild case, but my taste buds were all off.
So the first game and just tougher than a lot of these people out there. Yeah. You know, you know, I'm a tough, tough stuff. But when I would when I would drink, it didn't taste good to me.
And and neither did cigarettes needed the coffee. So all these things that kind of went hand in hand with with booze and kind of went away.
And then the summer hit and the city opened up outside and they were allowing you to do walk trails. And it was everybody could have open containers walk Cale's and that just lit the fuse. And it just I called I called my buddy Justin Stoner the other day and I go, Dude, I got to take a breath, man. I go because the pandemic was the allowance for us to have a great time right now. And it's becoming the excuse.
And I was like, if I'm not careful when this lifts, I'm going to be like that, you know, watching everybody go to work.
And I was like, I got to I just got to take a breather here, man. It was a little too much free time, you know, a little too much fun.
I think that's the problem with all of us. Yeah. Just being a comedian, you have this ridiculous level of free time and people who have nine to five, what do they do? The second they get free time, they get a day off, they get hooked up. That's just what that's what ends up happening. Yeah. Yeah. I'm living vicariously through both of you. I don't want you to quit. Oh, I'm going, keep going.
My last night as of now, my last night was the Super Bowl, so it hasn't been long, it's been about a week and that first week is brutal.
It's brutal. And I don't know how long I'm going to go. I'm going to go for a while. But but I was with a couple friends and I go, dude, I don't remember getting home last night what happened?
And he goes, Well, you and so-and-so finished a whole bottle of Jack Daniels between the two of you.
And I was like, what? I did no recollection of it. Like, and that was after I'd been drinking for, you know you know how it goes.
You know, by the way, I went to Joe's best stories part Joe in Scotland, a Scottish guy said to Joe, like, Joe, you can fucking drink.
So he got the nod from arguably the top of the booze and mountain. That's like telling a joke in Boston and someone going, wow, that was racist. My favorite bill, did Bert ever tell you this is my favorite Bert story, Bert, you told me this when I did your podcast. This is a few years back.
Whatever, but. The first time you ate the wheat gummy bears and you said your sister gave you wheat gummy bears and you ate them one night and you said you felt like you were sinking into the couch and you called, there you go.
Something's wrong. Those wheat gummy bears really fucked me up. And she's like, what are you, a pussy? They're nothing. How would you eat? You're like, I don't know, 15. She was like, once.
And you're like, I thought it was like 80 regular gummy bears. You had to eat like a bunch of them. So they made a whole bag of gummy bears. We're not supposed to eat the gummy bears. I know. But that is a rule that if somebody is giving you shit to eat this post, to tell you what what the deal is. Take of this. Yeah, dude, just just bite off the corner. Just drop shit off.
Then you had to start try to trace the. I tried to trace the THC with alcohol so I was like Poundland alcohol going I trust you more than I trust it. Lets go. I've been there dude.
And that just that just amplifies it. The last time I eat a strong edible, I went to the Troubadour to see this band Fu Manchu play and a half a weed cookie and I never do that, but they're kind of like a stoner rock band.
So I thought I'd be like into the groove.
And I drink to double Jack Daniels at the bar because I was like, I got to meet the weed with the booze and it just hit fastforward on the weed.
I had to leave the concert halfway through. I felt like I was on his ass.
Just out of curiosity, where did you guys read that? If you drank, it somehow overpowers the THC. I mean, I like to be here, man. I would think that that would just make you doubly fucked up. But I was never good at math.
Same place I read all my facts, Bill. I just pull them out of the air, you know? Come on. You remember from the other four days, this is research.
You want to hear a security blanket of booze. I get that. Yeah, I was pulling shit out of the sky.
Read definitely. Definitely do much marijuana and been like, I can just drown this with booze.
That's that's rough, man, it's it's it does seem, because I get the logic of it, I know I know where my logic with it came from, because you think to yourself, well, well, whenever you have anxiety, you know, booze helps. You know, if you're when you start out doing comedy and you're terrified to go on stage for the first couple times, you have a couple of drinks and it evens you out or, you know, you're having a bad day and you're all panicked or whatever, you have a drink.
So you think with weed you feel that panic come in. You're like booze, leave me out. And it's like, this is the first time you went on stage.
You had a couple of drinks before you went in for the first year. I went on stage. I had six drinks every time before I went on stage because I would go on so late in the night and I'd get there so early it wasn't like a barrel. And I didn't even feel buzz.
My adrenaline was going so fucking hard that it would just make me feel normal, you know what I mean?
Like, I would be so scared that I was so afraid of bombing. I was like I needed all of I need all my faculties here. And I can't like I don't think I the first time I ever had a drink before I went on stage is when I was in I did Kilkenny Ireland. And I went on stage pretty much blasted and did not have a good set, I'm not not the whole it was like the last. Night of the festival and I and I was just again, to tasted good over there, Joe put it that way.
I remember getting off stage of the store one time, and I was Bill was going up next, and you'd already gone up. And I go. I was buzzed. I got buzzed. I never I never drink for I go on and I got buzzed. I think Rogan was there was everyone was there. I get on stage and I go in the back and I go, God, I did not go well. And Bill goes, really.
And I said, yeah, I had a couple of drinks and I was like and then looks and he goes, yeah. Slows down your reaction time. That's why they don't let you do it when you drive.
I mean you're not a believer and after you get some through some shit I have a couple of belts to kind of like calm you down. But I feel like when I'm going into whatever I'm going into, then I'm nervous about I need to I need to face it. Clear-headed Yeah.
Now I feel that way now. Absolutely.
But in the beginning, seven days into being sober now I'm feeling like I would have bad I would have a bad set now if I went on drunk and didn't use the energy and the, the, the nerves in the right way.
But back then I didn't you know, I don't know.
It was weird. I remember. Oh, sorry.
I'm going to throw I'm going to throw up a side a curveball to you. I would argue that when you've got your hour, you've dialed in your hour, you're getting ready to shoot a special. You're about three months out, two months out. You know your material. It's perfect idea to get fucking blitzed and go to your hour drunk, because what will happen is you'll fuck up your hour. You'll be forced to work yourself out of fuck ups.
And in working yourself out of the fuckups, you will find new ways to do those bits that have become a little boring. It'll give you it's a good way to, like, mix it all up and then try to fucking figure it out again on the fly. I don't I don't disagree with that, but I feel like that's more of an exercise versus a practice. Right? Yeah.
You know, I mean, honestly, that sounded like a really bad idea to me, getting hammered and totally screwing up my act and then trying to remember how it was funny.
Again, I was doing. I did have a set first. My second show back since doing like December and like I had this is one bit that it just like this one part of it just crushed. And I couldn't remember what the reference was not to when I'm like, man, is that gone forever? Because I can't I don't think I haven't tape myself in a long time. I'll have to go back maybe and listen to it. But I was getting to the point where I was just not even thinking about comedy anymore and shit, that was funny.
And the thing wasn't going like, oh, I'm going to talk about that. And I was just I was just felt myself like drifting away was like, better get on stage, you know what what is your what is your outlook? Jojo, I want to hear your forecasts pull something out of the Air Force once again. Is the vaccine are you going to get it or are people going to get it? Is it going to work or are we going to go back to.
I'm trying to get it desperately, but it's like trying to get the new Xbox. It's ridiculous.
You can't you can't get well, they're knocked down to your age group yet. I outbox them with the Xbox because I opened because I opened my sandwich shop pop up.
I qualified technically as a restaurant worker.
And what is that, by the way? What are you talking about?
We I open the sandwich. Me and Paul Italia from the stand opened a sandwich shop, pop up in the stand called Joey Roses. There's sandwiches that I created.
Oh, he's the bank. And you're the pretty face that sells. That's right. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. Sounds like a home run to me. Yeah. He's the brain. I'm the tits.
You know how it goes.
So we've been doing that over there. It's been going really well and we're trying to open it in it's own location now.
And but that qualified me as a restaurant worker in New York City said that restaurant workers were considered essential because of indoor dining reopening.
So I'm I'm allowed to get the vaccine. I just can't you can't get it. It's just it's impossible. Like, you can't every day you go on the thing and says there's no appointments available, whatever.
But I mean, I'm going to get it. Are you going to get it? Me? Oh, yeah, absolutely, yeah, yeah, but to be due to get it 50 and older and L.A. is in March, so that's only in my wife, I'm going to be fucking fucking a cougar out there.
So I going to be vulnerable to be going around collecting disease. I got a call. I got a call from a friend there, like, yo, they they got extra vaccines at UC Santa Barbara. So you see something go over and get one.
And I was like, I can't, I can't. I have a real I'm not a you know, I'm a bad person obviously. But but I'm not I'm not a I mean, I just I don't want anyone to think that I was jumping the line, jumping the line, and then somebody else's nanny dies or some shit. I and I'm not doing that. I can't do it. I can't I'm a bad person.
I'll do a lot of bad things, but I can't do that. It was just one of the best lines of that Patris documentary. Have you seen the documentary yet? No, I haven't. I haven't. I don't have cable one of the best lines ever.
And this is so prophetic considering Patrice was not alive during cancer culture, so fucking prophetic. He goes he goes to talking about Webb. I know this is just on the same tangent a little bit. You guys are talking about Webb junk twenty, twenty or whatever, whatever. And he was like, I didn't want to do that show because then I go on stage and there'd be seventeen year old girls in my audience going like, well this isn't funny.
This isn't like web junk. And he's like, that's what happened with Peewee Herman. He's like Wee Herman was a jack off in the theater kind of guy who is doing a kid's show.
And when he found out his jacket off in the theater, they were like, what the fuck?
He goes, Well, I'm a jagoff off in a theater kind of guy. And I want everyone to know that I'm looking for jagoff in the theater, motherfuckers to ride or die.
Wow. So that's great.
And it is what that documentary is. So good, Bill. So fucking good. There are so many lines in it where I went. Holy shit. Like he was so ahead of his time in his thinking of why people stop liking people, of why he's talking about kids culture before he even existed. And he was like, I don't want to get canceled because they canceled.
It was it's such a good documentary that I like tapped into that like I remember I remember in like in the in like two thousand two or three, him already being hip to like the like the plight of reality TV and all that shit, you know what I mean.
Like it was still fairly new at that time and it was still pretty celebrated at that time. It had not crossed into, you know, the Kardashians and whatever led to what we have now. And I remember him saying, like, you can't. You don't want to get on last comic standing before you're ready, because then you're going to be able to do after that is go be some reality TV show and then like you saw it happen, he said that like during the first season and then you saw it happen with everybody.
It was like she was pretty, pretty tuned in, as you said.
Yeah, he told me he told me one time we were in Scotland and he said, I got a TV show. I got a TV show on a deal I've been doing stand up maybe. A year in six months, I'm guessing, maybe less, maybe like fucking 13 months, you were he was it. If I was, I was OK. And fucking only you guys can really imagine this, but Patrice was being extra disgusting eating his breakfast like he was trying to be disgusting, like fingers in the catch up, like just and he was like but he was holding court the way it was almost like a movie like let me tell you the problem with you.
I hate it when he did that and.
And I go, what? And he goes, when this goes away, you fall all the way back down here. And I said, What do you mean? He goes, You got no base. Your base is that of a comic who's been doing it a year. So when this goes away, you go all the way back. Here he goes. You should be focusing on raising your base by doing clubs and doing standup so that when you get these opportunities, you just fall out of here.
You see, when I fall, my fall is not going to be that high. No one is going to give me shit. I'm going right to here. And then they're not taking shit away from me because I can make a living. And I was like such a fucking I remember thinking such a country Patrice thing to say instead of congratulations. And then they take away the TV shows, all that goes away. And I went back to hosting.
I was on TV and I was hosting. I was like, what the fuck?
Well, this sucks, but yeah, it's funny now he you know, it's they they got the billboards, they got a billboard, Joe out here of Patrice on Sunset in La Cienega. Yeah. I was really melancholy as kind of a bittersweet thing to see because all through the years, seeing all the comics, everybody had one. At this point, if you have a fuckin special, you get up there. That was like we got in the business, like the Marlboro Man was on fucking sunset.
It was like big shit. Yeah. Yeah. So I got a real I took a picture of it, man. I got a real kick out of the fact that, you know, at least we got him to be up there. But Mike Bonfiglio is the reason why that thing is so incredible. He did the thirty four thirty Doc and Darrell. Oh yeah.
So. I knew that when we were Vaughn, his girlfriend, Vaughn, sold the idea to Comedy Central, then they came to all things comedy for us to produce it. So the thing was, it was already a thing because a couple of people said, hey, Bill, you did a great job with that thing. I didn't do shit. They sold it. Then they came to us and then we hired Mike Bonfiglio. All I did was he'd be like, hey, I'm trying to get in touch with this comic.
Can you get him? So, you know, I looked at some cuts of it, but it's Mike Bonfiglio. He knows what he's doing so that I've cleared that up. Do you ever.
I don't have cable. Do you have a link that I could watch it on or something or can I buy it? Can I rent it? Can I download it? Like, yeah. Look at you talking to me.
I have cable on the reverse of but I pay like three hundred dollars a month on cable. I have every fucking channel. I still have all the networks channels I pay for the UFC.
Yeah I my parents like three, four bucks a month and I would rather pay that than try and figure out how to do what you're doing.
I can't. I have so many streaming services. I'm paying a cable bill every month. But I mean when something like this comes out and you don't have access to Comedy Central, it's like it's you got it.
You know what you got to get into, dude? You got to get into the Criterion channel, man.
Oh, dude, let's talk, man. I've got I've got some on Blu ray and I like that channel quite a bit.
That chance I saw this documentary on this on just on this little short film on stand up. And it was a guy going up there. Telling this fucked up story, they animated the whole thing in black and white, and he was slowly losing the crowd, so like you'd be all shadows in your face would be white and then you just see the light go out on your face. And I think that meant like losing the crowd. And then he ended up like admitting to doing something really fucking horrible.
He's telling this story. It was really. Do I remember watching it being like this must be like what, like hallucinating is like because it was really like.
My idea of like tripping and drug, I never hallucinate, which I really regret this point, my fucking life, that I never did it, a scene that I watched all those Sergio Sergio Leone movies once upon a time in the West.
I never heard of that movie.
Fucking unbelievable bunch of French movies.
So what's in the bill? Bill fucks your life up. Bill got me on one goddamn book and now I am obsessed with history and I've read so many fucking history books. It is ridiculous. I'm reading one right now on the fucking on the Revolution. I'm listening to a podcast right now about the revolutions in South America.
You just dialed that way back. I'm reading this book. I'm sorry. I'm listening to a podcast. I saw a picture. Somebody told me about something.
We watch Dial that way back. But Bill's was really into history. He he's in many times many times throughout our 20 year friendship. He has tried to to turn me on to a book about it. I'm not a history guy, so I'll tell you what I gave on it.
But I tell you, when I gave up, I realized how bad Joe was at geography. Like Joe has been to major cities and has no idea where they are logistically.
It's like from New York. I couldn't. How can you just go somewhere not knowing where you're running, because we built, you know, I land, somebody comes and they pick you up. I don't need to know, like. Like, I was like, where is it Lanta compared to New York this year? I couldn't point out Wyoming on a map right now with it.
Come on, Joe. We'll never watch the weather. And just as long as we're in the middle of the country, yes, I know where my color is on the map. Look there. All right. How about this? How about this? What's bigger? Africa or Russia? Africa, right. I don't know. I don't know the answer.
I think it would be wrong whenever one I'm going to say is the other one's bigger because I lost a bet drunk with someone and I was like, bull fucking shit. Like, now take a look. And they, like, stretched it out. Which one is bigger and, you know, Africa. Nor are you telling me. Are you guessing. Yeah. Africa is a continent. Russia is just a country.
I know. But it stretches through two continents.
It's in Europe and it's a little too sure.
And I think if you just turn it sideways, that sounds like one of those trick ones because you're like, well, Africa, I yeah, I honestly don't know.
I mean, I doubt that was that was a straight up fake fact. Right. You were faking, right, Bill? What you were you were just fake it by saying that it's in Europe and in Asia. Yeah. No, that's true. Oh it is. OK, I just I just thought that oh there's a place called Voca. The Middle East is in Asia. I don't know why they call it that, but it's part of Asia.
The it's so fucking confusing.
I heard your voice in my head the other day, Bill, about this exact thing.
I swear to God, because I was watching Charlie Wilson's War, the Tom Hanks Philip Seymour Hoffman movie, awesome movie, Philip Seymour Hoffman at the control in that movie. But there's a part where he goes where Tom Hanks goes like like his assistant, Amy Adams asks him where something is and he goes, no, no, Kazakhstan, Uzbekistan. And he like names all the countries. And I was like and I was like I remember when Bill asked me where the capitals were and I couldn't even name them.
I'm like, I'm a fucking idiot.
That's a danger because you're not an idiot. And it just blew my mind. And you do the road.
I just I go to the Quad Cities and I want to know why they called the Quad Cities. These cities aren't that big at some point where they one of the bigger cities out here, what do they use to do? And then next thing you know, Joe, you're reading up on.
I remember a time when I did the the Pittsburgh Improv at the Stacks and there was these four stacks and it was it used to be a steel mill. Yeah. Knocked it down. And now it's a mall. But they kept the stacks. Right. So I started reading up on this, whatever, you know. And it turned out they had some massive fucking riot there between the workers in the steel mill wanting a fair wage and the local militia and a bunch of people got slaughtered down there right along the river, it was just cracking me up to look out and see like a Fuddruckers and a bunch of fat people wandering out of there.
And you just like those sons of bitches running the factory one.
Jesus Christ, I didn't know that I should ask that question. Yeah, well, there's a lot of. This just for some reason, like the kind of skip out, like it's all kind of like. Every group of people is all just sort of just mushed into one thing, so white people are pushed into the oppressor's. You know, because, you know, the ones doing the oppression were white people, but there's a whole bunch of shit like, you know, Irish people showing up here and it's just like, all right, you want to come in, you're fighting in the civil war, like, what the fuck am I to go right to the front line to get the fucking heads blown up?
And I've never been like I didn't know that happened to white people. I thought we only did that to non-white people. It's like white people did that to other white people, too. It's fucking nuts, dude. Some of the shit like they to make rules, child labor laws, like you'd have a kid wants to kick you kind of walk and sort of screw it fucking lid on a jar. They'd stick them in the factory, worked like a double shift and cigarettes and shit.
And finally someone was like, we've got to stop doing this. So it kind of. It was abusive, like straight across. I always compare it to Delta Airlines, everybody on Delta Airlines has some sort of status, it was like that, but it was like on an abusive thing and it started with white people fucking with white people all the way down to like the genocide of Indians and Native Americans in slavery.
I watched a clip. I just thought of this because you said sweatshops. I watched a clip of Noam Chomsky the other day. Criticizing porn, and he made the strongest anti porn argument I've ever heard in my life because he goes, I'm against it, it's exploitative, I refuse to even consider it. And the reporter goes, yeah, but isn't it a way for certain women to make money? And he goes, yeah, sweatshops are a way for women to make money.
They agree to it. They agree to the wage. They do it. And he's like, yeah, so let's just open.
I was like, Jesus, dude, he really just laid the hammer down on that argument.
No, I think I think that this woman wrote in to my podcast, gave me a good trashing. And was saying how, you know, I always act like all these women are just trying to get stuff from guys, right? Because she goes, all of my friends are beautiful. They all make money and they all pay for this stuff. I'm like, what a coincidence. I wanted to be like, I really only hang out with beautiful people.
You stuck up son of a bitch now. But she goes and they can't find a guy who's they keep running into guys who are 30 years old, addicted to porn and playing video games. I was like, well, you got us there.
I think in the future, the new booze and cigarettes like addiction thing that they're going to have, they'll have like an intervention of some guy who's jerking off too much to Internet porn or just like playing too many video games. I think that those two those two things are considered harmless. And I quit watching porn in May. I had a fucking six week relapse in December and January because the holidays are rough.
And now I'm trying to I'm trying to get back on to not watching it. Yeah, it's tough, dude. It is. It is good for you. I went off of it when I went off of booze, so I've been off for both for the week.
And I got to tell you the immediate immediately, I'm just like, am I? I can see the difference already. And just not having porn in my life on a regular basis, like there's just you immediately start to rewire the way you look at shit, you know what I mean?
Like and I don't know, I, I never was a big believer in when you see a construction site, you don't see like some shit coming out of the manhole in a threesome, you know, like those are two guys making sure the shit flows into the ocean. Yeah. Yeah, my mind. Right, boss. Yeah. They're just building a house. They're not going to fuck each other.
Just build the house.
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Yeah, that one got you man. That was a fucking beefy one. Yeah.
You felt like I said you drank a few cases of that shit before you read it. All right. All right.
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That's a great question because I wanted to say this to someone. To my wife. Really, when? OK, and Andrew, get ready to edit this out because this may sound horrible. Do you guys think about fucking everyone?
No, no. What do you mean, but elaborate on that, like you're at the doctor's office and the lady behind the thing says, what's your name? And then you go, I wonder what it would like to have sex with her. And then you go back in there, there's a nurse and she's like, hey, we need to get you on a scale. And you're like, I want to be like to have sex with her. Like, I think about having like I had a period where I couldn't stop imagining what people looked like when they had orgasms, like looking at people and going would love to see that person's look when they have an orgasm.
Mm hmm. And then and just thinking like that, because everyone's got their own orgasm face, I would love to see everyone's orgasm. I really think. That orgasmed face just was something somebody said is a joke and then it kind of guy, is it guys? Joe, is this where you used the word zeitgeist? It just kind of got into the little grab bull that everybody has. And it became a thing that never really was like nobody really thought about that until somebody fucking said it.
And now that put that idea into your head. Does that make sense? It doesn't exist. I'll give you an example, all right. When I grew up in Boston, people use the word wicked, people use the word Pessah, but they'd be like, oh, that's fucking piss. Like, duty's fucking wicked stupid, but nobody ever said wicked Pessah. But then some actor came out here trying to book a job. As a Boston guy, any extra Boston did and started saying wicked Pessah, and then that became a thing.
And I've spent my entire adult life saying, nobody said that. Now, I think they probably do, because I remember when the Red Sox finally won the World Series, people on ESPN kept saying, I'll tell you this Red Sox fan to me, they're not going to know what to do. And then a week later, they cut to some meathead. He's like, I don't even know what to do. It's like somebody said it. And when your brain and then you think and I think that that whole like walking around thinking of what somebody's face looks like when they bust and not I don't think that's something that you ever thought of until that became like acceptable like mainstream reference.
That makes sense now.
OK, now I get what you're saying. Yeah. Nobody thought of that shit. Yeah, I get what you're saying. Yeah.
How many people, like, do you ever. I think sometimes I wonder how many people think about having sex with me. Like I would love if there was like an app on your phone and you'd be like, wow, I just checked into this doctor's office. Everyone in here would fuck me. Everyone wants to have sex with me like this. If you had that app Sergel if you had that app. You know, and I would think that the goal is.
To go someplace and everyone wanted to fuck you, to basically appease your ego, that you're still attractive, a woman's shelter, keep going.
OK, OK, we'll say a woman's shelter. So do you.
Then to make yourself feel good, you start putting the woman's shelter more in your circulation of places you go because you walk in there and you feel better about yourself because you're not going to fuck anybody. But you just know that in that moment you get to know what it feels like to be a Brad Pitt.
Yeah, I would probably start volunteering a lot more shelters if they're like, wow, was stability. Like, he's dependable. He shows up on time. It seems to be seems to be even mannered. You don't fly off the handle. You do.
I don't think of any of that shit ever unless that there's this. A vibe. Something unique about them, then all of a sudden my brain will go there. But if I just show up and it's just it's just ahead talking to me, obviously, if they're beautiful. But even then, if they're beautiful, I'm sort of taken in like the beauty. I'm not thinking like, gee, I want to watch her for fucking orgasm face. I don't I don't look at it like that.
Different unless. If they are, they, like, totally just horen it up and their clothes are barely covered in themselves and obviously, I mean, you really got you got to be really got to be prime prime the pump with me. I'm the exact opposite. I don't think of attractive people. I always think of unattractive people, like unattractive people who I'm always fascinated. I want to have sex with me. I wonder then I wonder I wonder what they look like if they when they have an orgasm.
I wonder, like, when do you think your number starts tapering off?
What age? No, no. Bert walks in a room. There's a bunch of once they should be happy to see OK, get tattoos. Like what number do you start date. They start thinking like I can do better than this guy. I'm holding out for Joe DeRosa, no, Joe, what's your number? Where do you where does your number. But don't let him do that to you. I backed him into a corner. He's trying to get you say your number.
I'll say my number. My number. I think I think once you go into the sevens over six, they start going, I can do better. A woman is a seven, realizes she can probably get an eight dude. Right. I would say if a woman doesn't talk to me. Doesn't talk to me. I mean, let's see, I mean, I'm fucking all this shit here, right? Mm hmm. So you're not that old. You're not that old Bill.
Dude, I'm old. But you're well, you're speaking for women in their 20s, the oh oh oh oh, by the way, all my women are in their forties. OK. OK, so, OK, we're going to do that shit.
They don't talk to me. It's five point seven. Five point seven missed the six. I'm a little above average. Where you at? Yeah, I think I can cruise into the sixes, but yeah, after that, come on, easy. You can go easily in six.
Yeah, after that I think sevens are where sevens are. You know, I can speak from experience. Sevens are my teetering point because seven, I've, I've definitely hooked up with a couple nines in my life and I've definitely hooked up with some eight and I've definitely hooked up with a lot of sevens. But I've also been turned down by plenty of sevens. And tonight. So it's like seven sevens where I start to go, that's your handicap.
I'm a little I'm a little shaken. Yeah. Yeah, I'm a little bit a little nervous I might about this game show pitch.
OK, I think back in the day I think I was good till about seven then I just knew I was out of my element. Yeah.
I needed an oxygen mask that was going up too high and you know what I mean. And I'm not talking about like just beautiful women. I mean I mean, like an eight that knows she's an eight and has dreams like that's a whole different animal.
Yeah. That's a she wanted nothing to do with me. I can't talk to a competent six. I don't mean a low self-esteem esteem.
I mean someone who knows what they're bringing to the table. Yeah. You know, sort of an educated sex bill. The difference would have been a tough one to get in the boat for me.
Back in the day, there were two or three and six and seven, seven or go, all right, I'll fuck off. And then six you go, who the fuck do you think you.
That's the difference. Yeah, seven years, yeah, you start to get up to a top shuffle, Johnny Blues, Little Splash. What if what if you do this?
What if we do this? OK, Joe, we do a game show where we put you on stage and then it's an audience full of women and we go, all right, guys, you have a bit of a buzzer in front of you with a scale of one to ten rate what you think Joe is. All right. And so then they all plug in. Joe is a six. Right. And so we go, Joe, you officially in America are a six.
Now, ladies, what you don't know is Joe has rated all of you on a scale. So let's all the six is that Joe picks stand up now. Oh, that's great. That's a great game show. Right.
That's going to keep going. OK, I'll stand up watching you has to fuck them on camera now. Where does it go.
One below us. Six, please leave the room. OK, and then we, we take all the sixes and you go it's like, it's like a Deep Purple. You go, you guys are too good and you're not good enough. But you ladies are coming with me and then you say, you say, Joe, I want you to pick two girls out of the sixes to go on a date with. And the third, we want you to pick a ten and then you know how much fun the dates are and then you pick a one and and maybe my pitches is falling apart here, guys.
It was good up to them. I like that. Now, like when you picked the one. I don't want to see somebody rated as a one.
Yeah, that's a fun idea, dude. I look you don't give me one is is a total narcissistic cunt. I wouldn't do a one with looks now.
Yeah. Look at me. Oh just a shit person. Just a bag of shit garbage Chagossian give you another Birte. I'll give you another cancelable game show. OK, to be a companion piece to this one that I've had rattling around in my head for years.
It's called Butterface and it's like the dating game and it's a guy or girl contestant either way. And then you have your what you like out there, men or women and two of them.
You just see the body, but their head is covered and the other one, you just see the face but the bodies covered and the two bodies you can see are 10 bodies. And the face you could see is a dead face. And you got to go. I'm rolling the dice on not knowing what faces on that body or I'm taking that face with whatever the fuck is is carrying it around and that.
And then he said this is the programming spike should have done when they were the man's network. They should have done that lowbrow, the worst fucking common denominator. I'll tell you, man, I would be curious to know what people rate me as on a scale of one to ten, right?
Yeah. What do you get that that's like. Like. There's two different ways if what if they don't know you, do you want to know just somebody who doesn't know you, doesn't know what you do? Oh, if you just like nobody knows you but walks into a fucking CBS baseball hat on your hoodie, I don't stand a chance on your way to the candy aisle.
What are they thinking?
Yeah, I'm out. I got no shot without without putting the personality in nothing.
What about you? None.
I'm zero. I'm zero. I'm a I'm a much I'm a I think I'm a probably a six looks y you said for my supper.
Yeah. The show never ended, Joe, I never had a set where after the show, I didn't have to still be funny.
Tell me about it.
I had at that time I mean, I hosted a pussy telethon before I met my wife. Never ended. I give him a life. He's getting engaged.
Oh, yeah. I used to just get I just fucking tap out, you know, it never stops. Yeah. It never I need the talking. I need the personality or I got to get to know you for a few weeks. Something it's never just you know, it's never right off the bat, you know.
Unless there's something really I got to tell you something, you know, to up your broad fucking deal here, you could get something a little more exciting on your bed there. I mean, those are some of the those are some earth colors. Match what you fuckin Roberta Flack. What are you doing over there?
That's red. Wait, no, no, no. It's gray sheets and then red and blue striped quilt.
Now, what does that Wilma Flintstone pattern there, pillowcases you got going on there?
It's that I just picked some sheets quick. I know it wasn't a good pattern. I just picked up an order that reminds me of the early 70s.
Yeah, that's I kind of thought it looked like that, but everything else doesn't match it.
So it looks a little Rust Belt. Yeah. I'm going to get a green screen for here, so you won't see that anymore. All right. I got I got a good devil's advocate question. So we're three guys who have always had a dance for our supper. As Bill says, how often has a girl you're not attracted to being able to dance her way into her butt, into your bedroom? Oh. No, come back. Does that make women officially better because, yeah, know I don't know.
I really don't know.
You don't know. You don't want to say no. All right. Are I and I don't want people to be squirming on this podcast.
Joe, I don't know about you, I think you're going to fold under questioning. I'm so turned around with this whole thing anymore. I don't know what's empowering or what's. You know what I mean? Like, I see women do things like this that make you a creep or empowered. I don't fucking.