Hey, what's going on? It's time for another wonderful episode of the Bill Bert podcast, what's going on?
We have an amazing, amazing guest, one of my favorite, favorite, favorite, favorite people in this business. We've been working together for almost twenty five. Twenty five years. It has been ninety five. Ninety six. The unbelievably hilarious, talented, never aging, just keeps getting better. Look in D.C., Benny, everybody is aging.
And I'll tell you what, you posted a picture on Instagram the other day, D.C., where you were absolutely gorgeous, man.
I've been putting those throwback pictures up there. And then, you know, we got kind of a you know, my wife monitors the feedback and there was some kind of kind of weird stalking thing that happened. So we take it down in for a minute. So that turned out, you know, that's that's when, you know, you're good looking, you get a stalker and especially as a guy to get a stalker, male or female. I mean, that's that's it's an impressive, difficult thing to pull off.
But it was like 30 years ago. This picture is 30 years. It's like a little, you know, 50s. Look at her ritzy picture from way back in the day. You know, now I get that I got crooked teeth. I get the gray hair, a little bit of a gut.
If you stop posting your old doo wop band pictures and you harmonizing around the burning trash can out in Brooklyn and in Salu with the barbershop quartet, you know, Shillue, holy shit.
I got to look that thing up.
Now, what if who were the best looking guys in comedy when we were working?
Well, let's release intro DC to our listeners here in DC. Betty, an amazing, amazing, amazing standup comedian that I first started seeing back when the Boston Comedy Club was the Boston before they had the nice marquee, they had that old baked red awning that turned pink. And then you couldn't just walk in, remember, you had to walk in front of the stage and then go up into the back area because that was like walled off before they finally opened it up.
You don't love that balcony thing. Yeah, we're all these comics would sit up there. And DC was one of the first guys that I saw that could do any room to do the white rooms, could do the black rooms, whatever. CERV reality, the gay clubs, he just went up and fucking slayed every time early in the show, late in the show, Early Show, Late Show just absolutely destroyed. And I was kind of sitting there like, I don't want to go on after that guy so.
Well, you know, but I think that's a that's a at that time in comedy, I think Burt and I were talking a little bit about this. You kind of had to be like that at that club and you got to be like that, Burt. Got to be like that where you just you you know, you could flow with any audience. You because that club was there was a fucking war zone or you.
Yeah. You weren't going to survive. You had to figure out. I say this all the time, dude, I used to I used to walk. I remember walking by the Boston Comedy Club early in my New York days and just looking at it during the day. And I got sick to my stomach feeling like that's how much that thing was living in my head of like like fuck man. Like, what's the crowd going to be like tonight and then be a little bit of a suburban vibe, because even like the white people in the crowd felt like they needed to have a little bit more of a fuckin attitude or something, and that's when people like selling drugs right out front, all the spill over from Washington Square Park and shit, that was like a terrifying place to go on.
And Steinberg and Matt Frost, when you first came down there to audition, they used to try to bury you. Oh, yeah. So they would let the show get three quarters of the way in and then they put you on have to like Red Johnny, the brown guy or or Chappelle or maybe not Chappelle. He always seemed to close it out. Out or one of these guys. It was just like. The whole thing was like, we're going to see if you're tough enough to play this club.
When I first came to the first time I had that sinking feeling when I first saw that room, Neil Brennan was the doorman, OK? And in the way you would audition was go gone like he had like an open mic or something. And he goes, ah, you can go on last, but you got to pay me. I have to pay him like 15 bucks to go on for him and one other person. He automatically didn't like me.
So it's like one of the first that I can find out, like this is horrible. And I just moved to New York. It works.
You know, it was it was crazy, hilarious at the hierarchies of power in that room of like who booked it in that little Shafer. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And then the whole thing, the whole the triangle of psychosis. It was the Barry Katz trickle down economics of psychosis. Oh, my God. This is a is a Barry Katz New York entertainment VHS tape. I still have one of those. You got one of those? I got one of those.
Oh, my God. I just.
Buddy, I got you. I got you. I got your college gigs, man. It's going to be made out to to me if they give it to you, they don't open the envelope. All right.
You know, three dollars, you get a dollar a mile, you're wired ran wire. You're the next guy that's going to pop. What was your name and who was that?
The tape he would send to colleges to say this is on that list. Who's on that list?
Let me go. And I have another one with a hole. It's got more Dane Cook, Jeff Ross, Reggie McFadden, Bobby Kelly, James Steffans, the third Maseko, Jim Gaffigan Pictorially Patrice Nick Swardson, Phil Tag, Heath Robinson, Eddie Brill, Jordan Reuben Judah Friedlander, Drew Frazier, Brian Scutaro, Paula Belgaum Norton.
I mean Gary Coleman, Mighty Nikola. Arj Barker, Teno.
Yeah, it's got this guy like Cola sticker. I'm just having this thing around. It's like a great little piece of history, man.
You know, what's funny is I don't think he repped half of those guys. He definitely did not. He didn't read Petraeus. I know that I can get you anybody in New York.
Just, you know, I'll just book them. And if they can't make it, I'll send someone who looks like them.
Oh, yeah, I remember. Yeah, Steinberg I remember meeting him and I said, I Osia Jason, remember you standing to the side.
And I tapped on the shoulder. He went like. You would like to see this real dramatic, like, hey, man, I'm in like the scene, are you tapping me on the shoulder? They all had that. I remember Frosty. I always tease Frosty about this when I was first coming down that he fucking he didn't like me to think I was funny. I remember him standing out in front of the Boston and he saw me coming. And it goes like that.
He sees me coming and just kind of goes. They it's just like and at least hide it, I know I suck. Just give me the refs. I know I can get better at this, but it was just like he was seeing, like, you know, it's funny, as hard as the club was, it was so fucking exciting.
Yeah. To be down there and you could just feel it. You felt all of these guys were going to pop. I think Jay and Bruer had just got on. SNL Chappelle just got the nutty professor with Eddie Murphy. Yeah, I mean, you felt like I mean, I was coming from the suburbs of Boston doing all of that shit. And then I was just like, it was crazy. It was like it was like right there, but a million miles away.
Yeah. It's so good to know. Yeah. Guys, you saw these guys go from doing sets to just blowing up. And and it was tangible. It felt it felt like achievable in a way it felt not achievable. But because you could see it actually happening and then really showcases there. And I talk about this, you know, they have like these fucking four hour showcase. It's like everybody in New York. And then Barry would pack the middle with his guys and then it'd be like everybody else.
But it was a real I do miss that. I do miss that kind of gritty time in comedy, you know, that like, they cleaned it up too much, do they cleaned it.
Like, New York is just so fuckin glossy now. It's like it got a giant Botox, you know, like Botox, shiny face. Like, that's kind of like I don't like, bum everybody out because I always say this about New York. So, I mean, it's not like it's all bad. There's some great comics that have come up and stuff. But like, you know, this whole thing with the crowd took over and they're going to tell comedians what's funny.
It's just so fucking like I don't know that I'd be like if I always said it'd be like if I was watching a musician. And I was telling him what chords he should be playing is someone who's fucking tone deaf. And can't play guitar, you know what I mean? It's it's it's a really. It's a really hard time, and I just wish comics would just just continue, just keep saying what the fuck you're going to say and they'll they'll quit.
I think I think I just think we've been out of clubs for so long that we're I think we're mashing up what the Internet is, what with real life is.
But I'm not. I did I did the clubs in twenty nineteen in New York City was the worst fucking experience I've had in New York. It was fucking horrific. Saw you. I remember man nude. It was fucking hot dude. Oh, you can't believe in New York.
You know, it was fucking. Yeah it was. And then a couple of those clubs have become famous. Yeah, the club is famous. Yeah.
So then it's like you're doing stand up at like SeaWorld, like, oh you got all these touristy people were before it was people like who wandered in off the street and they had to know somebody to come down to this fucking hole in the wall. Yeah, I remember like page six was going down to, like, the cellar, just waiting for somebody to say something so they could sell newspapers because nobody's buying a fucking newspaper anymore. You know, this right before the it was like right before all this shit hit the fan with the pandemic and everything I was doing, I did this little room in Brooklyn.
I'm like, it's Brooklyn. I'll go drop by, is a hot little room.
And they had kind of changed whoever was booking, whatever the situation thing was always packed. I'd been doing it for years. And before I went on stage, Booker came up and they're like, listen, don't do any jokes about that. Are misogynistic, no rape jokes and definitely no jokes about with accents from country, from a country that you didn't actually come from. I'm like, what?
Then at that point you'd be like, hey, thank you for writing me my set list right now. But I'm like, did you do you hear? I mean, all right, first of all, I don't I'm not a rape joke guy or whatever, but I do characters. You're going to tell me, you know, I actually have to be from Pakistan now just to do a character or it was it was crazy, man.
You know, that's what they want. That's what they want acting to be. They want acting to not be acting. Unless you're the person that actually lived that life, then you shouldn't be playing that role. It's just like, dude, that's the magic of acting.
Yeah. It's like you can't come from a completely different part. I mean, I understand the opportunity thing, I get that, but that whole fucking thing of just like you're not playing this, like, I don't know.
I mean, that only goes one way to that doesn't go the opposite way. Like, I'm just to be fair, anyone from a from like that, I guess that that I don't know the right way to say it, but the the press group can play whatever role they want. But you like like Hilary Swank.
In fairness to that, I don't see any Puerto Ricans playing Abraham Lincoln, if that's what you're suggesting.
To go watch go watch Morgan go. Oh, my God. I can't believe Wesley Snipes got the role of George Washington. Oh, no. That should go to a white guy.
Was that was the big fucking Broadway hit. We're all Puerto Ricans play white guys. Oh, Hamilton. Hamilton. There's no. Yeah, but here's the thing. But who who gives a shit? I don't.
Yeah, I don't give a shit either, I love what's his face and son. Sam was playing an Italian guy, Leguizamo. Oh my God, he's one of my favorite actors ever. I don't give a fuck when he plays. I just want to see what he's going to do with it. When I get it the other way, it gets sort of blurred. It got out of control. It's just like you're not giving us any opportunities. You need to give us opportunities.
I get that. And then the overcorrection comes where it's like, hey, you're not really missing an arm. You should be a one off director playing that one arm. Guys, it's like because now you're ignoring the business. It's just like bloody millions of dollars are at stake here and they need to get it back. If you can find me a bankable one armed actor to play this fucking role, that's going to have a 30 million dollar opening weekend.
That's how the suits are thinking.
It's not like it's not necessarily a, you know, fuck this one. Armed actors. Thanks. Oh, Jesus. I don't like how I started that thing and then D.C. slowly slipped into the shadows in case that went viral, I'd buying your cacti.
I'm trying to do it desirably here.
You know, I feel I always feel tricked when I when when, like, you see like a movie about Martin Luther King and then realized the guy that played Martin Luther King has a British accent.
And I'm like, oh, fuck, that was like the wire or half those guys like McNulty, which are trying to talk in this Baltimore accent.
So, you know, but they listen, let's let the English guys play us. It's fun. They do a great job. I don't care.
Richard, I love when you see the interview and they have a completely different accent. Yeah. That makes me like, wow, this person's really. Good at it. Yeah. How about Lewis Shafer? Lewis Schaefer changed the village. He was the first guy he brought barking back, came down there. Yeah, black black people.
Black people, Lewis. Black people love Lewis Schaefer who yell that across the street. Who the fuck is this guy? Beautiful black ladies. We have a comedy show. Lewis Schaefer, not gay, not gay.
And then we would have them laughing all the way into the club. Big, burly man, big burly man, Lewis Chafer. He was amazing going Jack and his penny loafers with his sport coat. And he became like a character in the village.
Yeah, like the clipboard he had the clipboard are, you know, was like trying to get in the limelight in the 80s, you know, with that clipboard. Are you going to make the list, you know. Oh, Bellbird. Not on that. Sorry, not on the clipboard tonight.
I know that he kind of got drunk with power and sorry, he became that guy at, like, Studio 54.
Oh, hang on a second. I do have to take a look at that. Let me call you right back and finish in this part podcast, OK? OK, but he never says bye. I see him on Facebook now, and he's pissing off everybody in England because he's like he's like a covid denier now. It's like it's just he's like it's just the flu. It's just the flu. And he also has a what is he in his post is dying.
It's like he does shit to inflame. It's so funny. His diet is like this all butter and meat and like duck eggs for breakfast and lamb fat.
And we've all done a deep dive on the Internet and ended up we didn't need to be people. So when A can do it, if you listen to my podcast from like 10 years ago, dude, I was so into conspiracy theory and shit, I made like a Federal Reserve pumpkin. I kind of felt like I was trying to like, that was my thing. This is the scariest thing on it. So if you was just like, I can I have a Milky Way.
I was an idiot not saying I was wrong about the bankers, but it's just like I was wearing people out. I was that guy who was just saying the sky is falling and I had no solutions whatsoever.
I spent more time with Louis Schaefer than any one comic ever should have spent with Louis Schaefer. Yes, I spent every day I get to the club at like seven at the Boston Comedy Club, open it up seat to put the chairs down and then bark with him until midnight and then hang out with him at the Baggot until 2:00 in the morning. Yeah. And then me, Patrice and Vohs went to Scotland with them for a month. Yeah. Oh I remember the first time I did.
You do Edinborough. Yeah, I did Edinborough with Patrice and Voss and Lewis. So I remember the the two times I've seen Louie bombed the hardest was the first night I worked at the Boston Comedy Club. I get there early. I don't know anything I said to cheers up. I have all my CDs with me, so I go to the CD and I'm like, what music should we play? I go, I fuck that, you know, do.
It's a comedy club. I'm going to put in Richard Pryor. So I put in Richard Pryor hit play and I started seeing it. I'm seeing the well, it's like twenty five people in there. Lewis isn't there yet. He'll be there right at Showtime. He says. So all of a sudden I come in the crowds laughing their fucking ass off. There's no one on stage. They're listening to respire show stars like Coverage's or Pryor. Everyone goes Boo.
Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to St. Louis.
Oh, you follow Richard Pryor, a handsome man, handsome black man.
This jacket, Armani ish man. Oh, that guy was brutal, man. I remember, like, the open micas were going. I had to there was one girl that went on and she she got off and Louis came up to me like, Honey, never you never you're in the wrong. This is not for you. And she's crying like this here, like never, never. And I said, Lewis, man Lewis, it's your first time up there, man.
You know, now it's just she doesn't belong in this bill. Go away. Never come back to this place again now. But he's got the blazer and it's very official with the clipboard in the blazer. It's like you're getting a parking ticket or something or like, you know, like you got pulled over by a state trooper or something. Imagine if you're new in. This guy comes up and you know, it's funny. They always have that person in a movie when they show somebody's trying to make it in show business, they're just so right to your face mean.
And I always laugh going. It's not that mean. It's passive aggressive. They're just like, OK, all right, Dad, great job. Well, see, and I fucked that guy. But every once in a while you would run into somebody. Yeah, I had a guy. I you know, I had a guy. I did. I audition for a fucking. Half hour special on something. And he was just fuckin talking just to hear himself talk, and he was trying to tell me and Carrie Louise that if we fuck, if you don't if you don't if you haven't moved out to L.A. by the time you're twenty seven or twenty eight, you're not going to make it, you know.
And I was like thirty two and she was like thirty one.
And we're just looking at this fucking guy and we're just like, oh wow. Yeah.
But you would run into those. Types of people, and it was actually a good thing for you to run into them because. You know, you if you can't handle somebody like that, you're not going to make it if you're after, you're actually going to listen to that because I saw guys. Do that out here in L.A., there was a club owner out here who was trying to get his clients on to Sitcom's, and so he would just say, like he'd just be like, Burt, you look like you build motorcycles, you go on stage and all you do is do jokes about building motorcycles even by.
But I don't build motors. It just you do that. You want stage time to do that. And most comics would be like, go fuck yourself. I work another club, but I saw guys actually do that.
Yeah. Completely changed their act and then it didn't work. And you know, I don't know dude. It was, it was, it was really early on and stand up is like watching you ever see like when those baby turtles get hatched and they're all running to the beach trying to make it to the ocean, you just rooting for them. And there's those seagulls just coming in and fucking ticking them off. It's so fucking unfair.
That's kind of what those those earlier like who are they when they would go because you would get that development conversation of what's your development set, what was your development angle, D.C..
Oh, you see, for me it never it never jive, you know, and I'm sure you guys everybody's heard this a lot, but they were like, you know, you we don't know what to do with you. That was the first thing. And then they would try and get me to agree to have people basically do what Bill was saying, like I'm the motorcycle guy or the dating guy. And I'm like, well, I'm not really the dating guy.
You know, you should have been auditioning for procedural shows. You would have killed it from Law and order to E.R. You had a great look. But they were so looking at like Tim Allen and Drew Carey and Roseanne Cosby. And it's just like comedian sitcom built around act. Exactly.
In my act was at that time as I was doing pretty much straight characters, I didn't really do the stories as much. That came a little later, but straight characters, which really didn't have that much to do with how I looked or anything. So it wasn't just a slam dunk where they could they could put it together and be like, oh, here's the show built around this guy doing characters, let's see, psychotic or something. You know, it has a multiple personality disorder.
I mean, it was just not it was never really easy to I'm not a great marketer any way. Some guys have that thing. But it was never really easy to kind of be like, this is my voice. It's kind of comprised of a lot of different voices. You know, that was not a concept back then and maybe more so now. I don't know. But it was I was kind of a tough sell on it. Just I just.
Yeah, that was only because there was one cell. Yeah, just trying to get you like a sitcom. I remember one of the last ones deals that I saw that when. And then you just literally watched a guy blow up with Kevin James, I was at Montreal, I think it was ninety seven. I was there, but I was sort of invited, but not really. It was bad and, you know, I know I was there, nobody else knew I was there and I remember.
The buzz about Kevin James and I remember the breakfast and seeing him sitting down with these agents and talking and stuff, and I always wondered, like, was it was I literally watching? I can still remember what this is back when it was at the Delta, I believe. So there was the bar that turned into sort of the breakfast thing in the morning. I remember seeing him sit down because I had opened for him and IT governance in Long Island and I wasn't sure if he remembered me.
So, you know, I was real shy, so I didn't say anything. But I remember watching him and being like, wow, man. He I think I heard he's getting a deal and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then, like, I think like a year later I was at the Laugh Factory or something like that and was just from the no hit show King of Queens, Kevin James.
It was like one of those other yet another one of those moments was like it was right there and it was a million miles away. It's exciting, though, man. It was really exciting. I love to see it when it's like, you know, especially when it's someone who's been kicking around a while, you know, they've been kicking around a little bit and then, boom, you you know, you see you see you see all these all the agents just.
Yeah. Learmont, you like that, you know.
So remember that big Kevin James used to do about how guys pick out cards and how women pick out cards.
No, this fucking guy. It was unbelievable. It's like he doesn't talk for like three minutes and is murdering. I think he does. Does he do the guy first? I think he does the woman first, and it was just he would just sit there and just do this whole thing where he would just pick out the card and read it. And he did all of this stuff with his face and. Do that and then see something else, and then he just kept going and going and going, and the way he was doing it, it was fucking it was unbelievable.
Look, I never forgot it.
And then in the end, he had the guy come in and just just grab some looks you like. And it puts in his pocket to walk away. It was just it was it was masterful. And I remember that was, you know, when I was jumping around the stage, sweating, dropping f bombs that might look at them, drop F bombs now.
But like, I was just trying to survive and just watching him going up so relaxed and just he just had them in the palm of his hand. And then like years later, I would watch him on King King of Queens. And you saw all that that stuff in his face and how what a great actor he was.
I remember Army bit about not wanting to join the Army, about not wanting to be getting yelled at all the time like you owe me. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that would be great fit, man. I get that on one of those USO things. Oh, you remember that Comedy Central.
We did some base in Jersey and you get there and you sat down on the chair in this big green room and looked up and you were like, you looked at the ceiling. Is that a fucking bat?
And there was just a bat stuck to the ceiling. He wasn't hung upside down. He was like curled up up on the ceiling. Who would sit us? What do we do with this thing? Let's just sit on this side of the room and hope that fucking thing doesn't wake up.
Somebody read your own flyer a very, very. He told me to take the check. Just put it in my little foot cloth here.
He's fly back to New York and you're going to get your 40 dollars by Wednesday, D.C.. I remember one time, one of the few times I ever saw you get heated. I was just telling you a story about what somebody did to me. I was doing a Roger Paul gig and like Burlington, Vermont, just, you know, get on the fucking eighty seven and drive until they say last exit before Canada and then make a right into Vermont.
And I was playing this hotel.
And there was this guy I was working with, and he was one of these 80s guys who probably was headlining satellite rooms and had now bumped down and he was middling and he was supposed to do like twenty five in the first show. He did thirty seven. So I was like, whoa, what the fuck, man? Oh, sorry, I didn't see the light right? Or we did like 30 or something like that. And then the second show, we did 37.
So then I talked to him Saturday night. We did two more shows. And all I remember was on the last show, he did 50 minutes. And I was so gullible. So how does how does he keep missing the light? Can you like I didn't know what was going on and I told you that story and dude, your eyes just lit up because, you know, I do what that fucking guy like that, you know, I do.
You know, you close, you close and then you do fucking 50 in front of him.
Like, how do you like that? I just saw you. I remember you sit in the booth when you said those boots at the comic strip. I was like, all right, he's got a little fire in them. Yeah. Yeah, I could see that would be that would be one of the you know. Well, Patrice used to do that to me in the city. You know, with it sort of was one of the things, the level he was the worst with that.
And and and so I think I wonder if that was around that time when that was that was already hot, you know, like I was talking about that like that may have just happened the week before with Patrice doing 40 at the strip club. Supposed to go on for my fifteen, you know what I mean? Patrice could spot a hack walking into a club three blocks away, but he couldn't see a light fucking 20 feet in the back of the room.
They gave me the light. I didn't see it. Shut the fuck up. You saw it then he'd just laugh like shit.
Yeah, yeah. We got into it about that. But yeah, that that is definitely. Yeah, man. I mean, shit, there's there's we got to have some decorum here with that. You talk to the guy you talked to twice. He still does it longer on the Saturday through it.
And then, and then it fucks up your head because you're angry going on stage. I had I had a guy one time go go long, go long. And then the guy and the girl in the front row had remember when you wore earpieces all the time, like people just wore their phone in their ear nonstop. Hang on. Don't go anywhere, fucking children. And then he just goes he just gets the mike and he goes, you know what, fuck you fucking to them because you're a cunt.
And then he just goes, all right, that's my time. And he walks off and I'm like, Are you going to fucking follow that? And he had already gone too long and now they're heated. And they just brought it in with me. I was like, God damn it, that happened to me in Cincinnati with some guy.
He fucking went over. And then he went over a second time and I gave him shit about it because he was sort of like, oh, dude, you do know it's a big red light because I'm sitting there going, another Burlington, Vermont guy. Right. And so the next show for first show Saturday night, he fucking pouts and does like eight minutes and leaves me, like, look like fucking an hour and 20 minutes to do. When I didn't have it, I still did the time and I got off stage.
I figure he came up, said, San Diego, dude, you're a fucking baby, you're a fucking baby. Do you fuckin time ago you think I never was a middle act. I did my fucking time fucking jerk off. You do eight minutes like you. I don't know. You don't have a fucking what I do it. I was so fucking mad at that guy. He didn't talk to me for the rest of the fucking weekend. Acted like a fucking baby.
Just a fucking baby.
By the way, my daughter's sitting right here going, so this is what you do for a living. You just talk about guys, come here. Georgia, Georgia. This is D.C. Benny Bellbird, Georgia.
Yeah, I'm bitching about an opener from twenty years ago. I still haven't let it go where you go. Become like me. Be like your dad.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Be like D.C.. This is hanging out with his dad right now.
What did you need? What do you need? I'm just saying some people are going with you, don't you, by yourself. You're bringing a dog.
I no, but it's ok.
OK with other people. Grab the taser if you want it. All right. I love you, George.
I don't do what your dad would do.
Don't do it. Your dad would do ever. All right. Would be better.
Be better. I love you. Fuck. Fuck. All right. Squeaky doors, clog sinks, finicky engines, when things break around the house, you take care of it. However, when there's something off in the bedroom, you just try not to think about it. Come on, man. What are you. Come on, man. What are you waiting on, man? Take care of it. Now go to get Roman dotcom slash bill.
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Good dick standing up at the national anthem once again, like it did back in the 80s. Oh, man, look at all this time. It's past from when we were all young and running around there and, you know, guys got kids and it's it's crazy. Crazy.
I'm in the part I'm part not enjoying them because they're older and they're and they're challenging you and like you. If you say anything like we got to a big heated discussion about catcalling the other night and my daughters don't like losing the conversation. And so they were like they said, they said something to the effect we are catcalled all the time in our neighborhood. And I was like, the fuck you do. No one cat calls in our fucking neighborhood.
And then like they do, they do. And I said, Who? And they said the Gardiners. I said, OK, OK, I got it. And then I said I said, So you're saying Mexican guys like, no, that that isn't just Mexican guys I go with you said gardiners I've been around our neighborhood is not a lot of white gardeners in our neighborhood. And then they're like construction.
Let's they make a movie about gardeners, then leave, have a bunch of white guys playing the Mexicans and then they go construction workers. And I go, I go, it's not fucking construction workers either. OK, I go, no, no, I go. That's fine. They're Mexican. Also, I could just say Mexicans just say Mexicans and then I'm fine with that. But they don't know that a lot of 50 year old white men can call us.
So they go, bull shit, show me his fucking house and I will knock on his door right fucking now. And they're like that. You'd be shocked. A lot of grown men can call us. And I was like, so then we had this conversation. Then she goes, I'm going to go for a hike. I go, the fuck you are. You're getting cat called left and right. And apparently it's just white dudes doing it on a hike and running.
Just show me that pussy baby.
Like, so Gardiner's jumping out of the bushes and my daughters are logit and it's I guess you don't want racist kids, I guess, but like legit social justice. Like, yeah. They call you on everything. I guess you don't you don't want racist kids.
I guess maybe they're fun to be around who knows the fucking but their social justice warriors like. And if you say something like if I like, you know, Battan an idea around about a joke, you can just see them go at you shouldn't say that. And you're like, fuck off. Not everything's funny. Died and you're like, no, does Brace's in your mouth. You'd be shocked what I said to get those.
I don't think I'll ever be trying out bits.
With my kids, no, I already try him out with my wife, and she's just like the horrible. And then I get upset and I'm like, why am I mad at her, I knew I knew it was going to go this way. You're going to say that, good night, honey, I'm going to go off to work now, but that's a good barometer.
The wives are very wives are a tough audience like I know if I can get my wife to laugh, I know the thing definitely has a shot. That's the truth. If I make my wife laugh, I know it's funny, but she could be an easier crowd. Yes. Your wife is first show Friday night. Every fucking day. I've had his wife tell me to stop telling a joke. I remember that distinctly. I remember I. The joke about fighting the black guy was a true story.
And at the end of the joke, he's going he's going like he's beat my ass and he stops and he goes, I'll stop. You just say the N-word. And it was a bunch of black guys around. And I was like, excuse me. He's like, say it. You know, you want to say it, say it, motherfucker, say it. And I was like, Oh, I will later, but not now. Like, not now would be a good, bad time.
And your wife came up to me and she was like, it's really funny. I just the n word part like don't say you lose it. And I went really you I would just lose it. And I was like, for real. And you she was like, yeah. And I ended up doing this doing a joke on a comedy show. Did you make that up. That didn't really happen. Didn't really happen. Oh it really happened.
It really what is wrong with Florida. Why did you go out white chick that. Oh my God. It really happened dude. Florida was fucked up. I like it is was is was.
I know you got Tom Brady and things are looking up down there but let's come on.
You think Florida is worse than Boston. Yeah. Oh fuck yeah. Way worse, dude. Boston is just it is the excuse. Like all they do, they act like racism is just in the south and in Boston. They ignore Chicago, Milwaukee do the fucking shit that I have heard in all of these.
Oh yeah. Pittsburgh do it in Pittsburgh. The at the Improv, the other side of the tracks was literally the other side of the tracks, like you walked across train tracks.
It's like, oh, here's where all people are good. It is like and then Florida gets a pass because people get to act like it's not the South because you have Disney World and SeaWorld. Oh, yeah, oh, do that, northern Florida, Miami, because everybody skips, everybody blows by like you tweet about Florida, Florida's a flyover state and a destination state all at the same time. It's called Miami. And they fly over all of that shit, all the the date wrapping up on Daytona Beach.
They go past that. All the rednecks with the balls hanging off their trucks in Tampa and Gainesville, they go by all of that and they go right into the cocaine and Botox in Miami, of course.
Man, tough call with those two places.
No, but my thing. But I'm not defending Boston. It's just Boston. It's just it's it's known. Yeah, it's known. And oh, my God, the amount of fucking white people that try to tell me how bad Boston is and I just go, where are you from? And then I tell them my road story.
Yeah, I mean, go to school, Tallahasse, there was I mean, not even joking, there was FAMU and FSU and there was no intermingling, like there was no like, you know, mixer's where and I used to drive this thing called Safe Sport, where I would take take walk girls across campus and on weekends I'd drive them. And on weekends every fucking weekend, same 11 girls would call me to take them to a FAMU party. And you could never like once someone was in your car, you had to take them wherever they were go and man one girl vanilla.
I remember this girl so well. She introduced me to Wu Tang Clan. And yet I think she lived in DeVone Hall.
And they go, you got to just drop in names and locations. Yep. Oh, you have new identities now. They have lives.
Fuck, I would love for Vinnell to fucking hit me up. That girl was awesome. I would love, I would love to reach out to people to marry a man.
You don't need a woman named Vanilla hitting you up.
But who are you talking to. A friend from the past. Vanilla. Oh this shit.
I know we're thinking of coming out to L.A., but you hang up on that stripper immediately.
I remember being in the car driving her and a bunch of her friends to a party at FAMU and and they were talking about the way I smelled. And I was like, what do you what are you talking about? And there, like, you smell like a wet dog. And I was like, what? And they're like all white people. And they just started sniffing me. And I was laughing so fucking hard at the idea that they thought I smell like a wet dog.
And then they got out. Yeah. And then I'm going, I can't smell it, you know, when people smell but they can't smell themselves. And I'm like, fuck the hole. Right. This car just still smells like a wet dog.
You got to you got to lick your own balls and impressive. That's got look up flexible. I am ruff. Ruff. Oh did you, didn't you go to where did you go to high school in DC.
DC I went, I got kicked out of a couple of schools. I ended up going to school graduating in Maryland. What do you call Bethesda. Chevy Chase High School, Maryland. What did you get kicked out of school for?
I just was I you know, I got in trouble so much that I remember the principal came up to me is like, look, you're after school every day. Just fucking around, I just didn't really I couldn't handle being in classrooms and, you know, I just was a bad boy. No, I get it. I'll pick you up and out of your own skin, like I got to get the fuck out of here.
That's all I could think was getting the fuck out. I couldn't I it was terrible. It was a terrible mix for me. So he goes, you have to school every day. And I was failing science and I could not figure out how to you know, I actually was trying to cheat off of this kid. And I got busted by the teacher of the class. So the principal comes up to me. He's like, look, you have school every day.
You might as well make a little money at it. Why don't you be the janitor's assistant, just help out the janitor after school. So you got a little job. So I was the I was the assistant janitor every day, and it was the Jamaican janitor named Paul. Right. And Paul was kind of became like my Mr. Miyagi.
Right. And he and and I'm like and one day I was tell him I was like, Paul, man, you know, the I'm failing this science class. There's no way I'm a pass, am I have to go at least summer school or make it held back. There's no way, no matter how I said I'm going to pass this thing. And I got busted cheating with cheating the only way. So he goes out when you cheat, what all you get busted cheating.
And I was like, well, because what would the teacher do? That was there was a gay teacher. So he said, what about the boy? And do what the buddy boy do I like. He goes up, he gives the exam out, and then he he cleans the board. He goes in clean the blackboard. What, what? Propertied a blackboard. And when you put water upon it, I'm like, what property does it have?
It gets away. And he goes, No, I'm on. It gets shiny. It gets shiny. That was like shiny. Shiny because it we looked something shiny. And I said, you see a reflection because you see the reflection. He sees the reflection of you cheating with the dude.
Because what you do just there and I said, I don't know, because science helped me pass that class before I got kicked out.
But, you know, science. So did you start. Wow. How old when you started out and you started out with like Tony and then Chappelle and all of those guys, Tony had started Tony had a rule.
Tony awards everybody. Tony Woods had a room. There was a place called the Comedy Connection in Greenbelt, Maryland. It's only when I was there, there was a guy named Chris Thomas who would host there. And I did a talent show at University of Maryland. I had seen this do Rendel Sheridan the week before doing standup. And I'm like, I got to try this. So I did a talent show at University of Maryland. I don't know, eighty something.
I don't know. Eighty seven, something like that. And and I got some laughs. And there was this comedy club, but it was a black comedy club. It was it was the comedy connection. And Tony put me on and I would do this McDonald's drive thru thing, man. Like I brought a little hairnet and I would play like all the characters, like a Japanese guy go to a McDonald's drive thru in the ghetto and then put the hairnet on and the fucking glasses.
I mean, I must have murdered look great. Know it's great, man. And I had all kinds of props. You know, it was like ethnic Carrot Top.
You know, I just posted I just posted an old videos like my first my first TV appearance, which was the Apollo and the other ones have been out there. But this one, I lost it. I couldn't find it anywhere and I finally found it. The quality's horrible. But do I have a fucking mullet? I got I got props. I'm doing Shabba Ranks singing country music. I've got like I got a jacket full of props in this thing and I'm looking back at it.
It's like it's embarrassing to watch it, but it was, you know, doing a kung fu movie, mouthing my teeth, all that shit.
So I just found that stuff. It's funny to look back at the old stuff, but it was like the concentrate back then. I would just do the characters in the concentrate and go in. The next thing there was no like, oh, we kind of get this guy's voice. It was just like bip bip bip bip bip bip. You know, from and I think that was from being in the black rooms where you really got to, especially if you're white, you've got to, you've got to bring that shit man.
You cannot as, as Dean Edwards say there's no time for exposition. You know, you've got to fucking bring the concentrate. I thought white guys had it easier after the first joke. It was just getting that first laugh and then after it was just like then you became like the mascot, I think, but also sustaining a period of time because you could be a mascot for a little while and then it would kind of peter off.
No, not not like a really, really deep into the hood crowd, like those crowds at the end, like an eight second attention span. If you just were not just captivating the second you dipped from one hundred percent to ninety eight percent, you'd see people just start looking around.
There was no crowd that was easy to fucking lose you crowds like that. And if you. I remember you remember Roseburg, right? Oh, she's doing all right. I heard she. That's the medical stuff, but it kind of came back around to think she's all right, dude, I remember doing a fucking room with her.
Oh, what's his face?
His room to do what the cat eyes used to say. Good green eyes. Gerald Kelly, Jerry, Jerry.
Although some other comedians went by Cádiz, he was Green-Eyed, right. Gerald Green eyes Kelly his early head shots, right? So he had this fucking room. Way out in Jersey. So we went yeah, we went out to do that one and I remember he was late, so we were stretching. I remember Russell being up there and she fucking always murdered and and she was not having a good set. And then that's when I was just going, like, first I was like, oh, fuck, I got to follow Roseburg.
But then she was having a tough time and she gave the funniest fucking Altro ever to introduce me. She did like a forty fucking joke that fell flat.
And then she just goes, God damn, I don't know who the fuck's coming up next. Believe that to be funny because you motherfuckers ain't laughing at shit. Yeah, she brought me up and I literally I'm like, is it going to be like three billion years ago? I was like the Richard Pryor fucking white guy voice. I was just like, it's just losing altitude. Lose it. It was. Those ones were it was bad enough to bomb in those rooms, but when you had to make a journey out there, oh yeah, just that fucking 40 minute fucking ride over to the fucking path train.
Oh, yeah, I remember those.
Well, I remember Gerald showed up like two hours late and the crowd was all grumpy. And then he went up there and he started talking about how much money he made it doing.
Comic View just got back from Atlanta to comment. You made six G's, which was bullshit because they paid you.
Everybody get like comics went on strike. They paid like like 500 bucks or something for those spots, all inclusive. You, like, lost money when you did it. And this dude shows up two hours late and then lies about how much money he made to fucking Atlanta. I thought they were going to kill him.
This rooms were crazy, man. That was what I did.
I had a long, long years of those rooms. And then I kind of, you know, the Boston for me was Main Street.
And then I you know, that's so funny, you know? And then I kind of, you know, I haven't really been back to that so much to that that once in a while I'll pop in.
It was like, oh God, there was one in. In Brooklyn is a couple of Brooklyn I'll do once in a while or whatever, but man does they really shape you and and and, you know, it was if you could kill there and if you could kill it to Boston, it really felt like nothing. I didn't really worry about anywhere. Yeah.
You were swinging with a weighted bat. You had you had to do the strip like stand up New York at Carolines. You're like, oh my God, the security people are following you looking at me like going to prison in the front row tomorrow.
Yeah, there's not there's no metal detectors. I mean, this shit's fucking you had you had such an ability. You had so many different muscles with stand up like like when you were I didn't realize it, but I remember your ability to almost like Florie punch a crowd, which I you know, you learn in the black rooms. I remember that so well on those Friday, Saturday night spots where if if for whatever reason, based on timing, you were planted like either second or third.
There was no following you like. No like and I remember I remember just watching that the Boston just get so fuckin up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up.
The crowd would take a break for the next two comics. Oh yeah. Like that was, that was the thing.
That's why I used to say to people who would bitch about fucking the New York comedy scene, I would say I'll be like, when's the last time you went up on stage and you killed so hard that the crowd just took a break for the next two fucking comics? Because we've all been that comic on stage where you feel them wishing the other guy was still there. Yeah, we all have. There's no doubt. You know, no doubt about that.
Well, listen, man, I. I'm grateful for those times. I'm grateful for those times are there are great. I don't know what I don't know now. It's so weird now I don't know what's happening, and I'm still I've been kind of I think it was easier back when we did it. These poor fucking poor kids, when they're coming up and everybody in the crowd is like fucking J. Edgar Hoover, right. With the fucking camera trying to like in almost on purpose, either because of an agenda or they just want to get clicks trying to.
Like to watch CNN and Fox News, do they trying to create this this frenzy of shit? I feel bad for. That they don't get to develop because, like how bad? You know, I was when I started out like, it's not on YouTube, I always tell young comics, I'm like, listen, I know you want to make a name for yourself, but like, you're going to fucking hate your shit if you're doing the work, you're going to hate your shit within six months.
Forget about in six years. You're not going to want this shit up there just like. But it's probably bad advice because I don't understand how the game works now, so but like I will tell you this, though, I've been doing a lot of spots down in this new young generation that's coming up. The one after the millennials. There are a lot more chill, I think. I think like too much got put on millennials as far as pressure they had to fucking care about all the mistakes that we made.
And like, this seems to be a more fun laid back.
Like I've been having maybe I change, I don't I don't think I did, but like, I find them to be really fun. It seemed that there was a nostalgic and I hate to even use that word, but for what we kind of did back in the day, it's almost like a vintage comedy brand or something where you could actually say, shit, that was funny and take my wife, please. You know, it's like it's like that to them.
So. So I feel like hopefully there's some hopefully some of that the gloves can come off with this shit a little bit and we could just do what we were doing. But it is a little it's concern.
But you can and I can't I don't know.
I always try not to talk about this to give it more steam, but it's just kind of fun to talk about. I don't know. It always ends up in this place. But yeah, we do. I think we are vintage.
If you look at all the white hair and all of our beards here, I think, yeah, we definitely say that my good here, Bill State and my good here are the way you're special.
You're special on all things comedy. Do you see is fucking awesome. Thank you. It really is. I know it's fun. It's fun showing comics to my daughters and and watching them laugh and then go make, you know, this guy and I'm like, fucking know all of them. Jesus Christ. You know this guy.
No, but you also had great taste in like a cinematic thing to you, the way you shot, like, your story teller stuff they used to do in that that little bar downstairs off a Houston street.
And so I knew when your special came out, I knew it was going to look driftin predicament.
Yeah. Yeah. I appreciate that, guys. You know, I appreciate that you guys got behind it for me, you know, and and you know, it's hard, it's hard to get your stuff out there and to, to have a platform like what you guys have built. I can't say how grateful I am that, you know, you put it out there for me and it's a very I just wanted to do an old school special. There's no fucking leather pants and D.J. and you know what I mean?
And backup dancers is just a guy in a club with a might tell me stories, you know, that some people will get offended, but hopefully most will laugh. And that was and it's in black and white. We tried to get it like Raging Bull look. And, you know, and with the on a budget. And that's what we did, man. And I just I'm thankful you guys remember me. And, you know, as far as I may have talked about with Burt before.
You know, we came up with every everybody, but a lot of times when guys kind of blow up, they're untouchable and they forget they don't, you know.
Oh yeah, I know guys like that. Yeah. It's like they're in a bubble. And that is they pass through like a man. I guess we're friends. Way to go. I guess they just they keep sending it. Just the back end closes off. Hey, I'll give you a call. Call my assistant. Wait, why not?
OK, but, you know, it's probably a result of like so many people being human because you do this for me. Hey, man, could you do that for me? Could you do this for me? I mean, it's like when that must happen a lot, you know, and you get kind of you get a kind of armor from them and then you build the bubble and you're like, oh, my assistant, you know, but I've gotten a few of those call my sister.
It's like, wait a minute. We were just I'm not even ask you.
I just said here talking to you right now, can you just give me your number, the one in your pocket, D.C., I tell you guys faces I can actually interact with you.
I appreciated that you ever put yourself in the bubble on the fucking mountain somewhere.
You know, I think that that's what we're doing wrong, man. We got to be a little more aloof.
I need an assistant. Oh, man. Call my assistant will coordinate a time to do this podcast. I got to I got to say this so that I know just really I realize I'm describing the produce, you know what I mean? I don't have a twenty four seven.
I got to say this, you know, DC is is mainly responsible for the movement. The shift in my opinion, when in storytelling, in comedy, because at a time when we talk about doing these rooms and having all different muscles and flutter punching and making sure you could survive DC open the room, I will say I helped for the first three weeks, but DC open the room with with Ben Bailey and Bailey. It was straight storytelling and I remember I did the first three or four weeks there and and I just helped promote it.
I bring and but I'll tell you, every story I told went on my first special and it was like and it was a place that was unlike anywhere in the city where you could do stories. Straight stories were beginning to end. And I saw some comics melt down and melt. I saw some big comics for you and you know what I'm talking about. Give up on their story and start telling jokes. The biggest. Get their act. Yeah, yeah.
Go right back to their act in DC. And I was sitting watching and he was like, he can't stay in the pocket, he can't stay in the pocket. But it was silent, silent, scared a lot of people from our generation because it was just about like killin and stuff like that. But I tell you, to the best storytellers there were was was DC and Ben Bailey. So when you guys started that thing, I was psyched.
I came down. But even then, I didn't feel like I could follow you guys. You guys, you were doing it every week. Watched it, man. That was the thing is, we tried to set it up so people wouldn't feel safe there. Comics would feel safe to do that because it's a weird muscle and it was great. I remember Robert Kelly had some story about it like that. He he thought about being in like foster homes or something like that, just like some crazy and like rubbing his arm to keep himself.
And he somehow made it funny. That was the thing is like. Is like taking this often traumatic stuff and making it funny, like I go back to my special with my closing joke on it. You know, I was losing my mother from Alzheimer's seven years she had Alzheimer's and was like this crazy. A lot of funny shit happened that got us through that, but it took me a real long time to get to a place where I could, like, find a story in that and and and do it.
And and that room, I saw a lot of comics go to uncomfortable places. And I'm not talking like the more kind of shit where it's like, you know, it was it was Saturday night, nineteen sixty seven that was, you know, young lesbian. It was like a it was like just finding some stuff that you couldn't really get at at the level we were at on stage at like the Boston or the Strip or whatever, because you were surrounded by guys doing, you know, just.
And you would and you would actually get shit if you weren't going up there just killing like the fuck are you trying, man? It's this is Friday night. Don't don't try that. To one of my favorite things Bobby Kelly ever said on stage. And there's a lot of stuff that I love, but he was at the cellar one night and he was doing a sit in, this woman was just making this face and he goes, what's the problem?
The problem? What is your problem? She goes, Nothing. I just I just think you're a little crass. And he goes, Oh, here he goes. What were you doing when you were 14, huh? Well, you would be a freshman in high school and you go to some sort of sophomore semiformal. Your parents took you blah, blah, blah. Is that what you did? She's like, yeah, because. Yeah, well, I was in jail, so, yeah, I'm a little crass.
And it was so fucking real. And I mean, when he got on stage I was going, but that's what the fuck you need to talk about. You know, you got to fucking plane to get. Dude, I got a showcase dude.
I got to bring my guns. I got to go with the big guns. Dude, I'm going to talk about that. Don't talk about it because he was mad. Because she was a cunt. Yeah, I think you're a little crass. Oh, talk about foreshadowing things to come. So, yeah, but that's a lot of I feel like I'm not going to take credit for that when I saw him do stuff there and I saw a lot of guys do stuff there, they can rest in peace.
It had a story about George Bush giving him a signed baseball and him being at this roast. There was this hilarious story, but he would never tell it on stage. And I was like, dude, you got to tell that thing on stage. You've got to tell it. And eventually it became like his closer at corporates. You know, he had this George Bush baseball story that was George Bush's economy's going back and forth. And but it was great.
It was just that's what I loved about that place. That time was not to be just talk about the past or whatever, but it was you know, I got to see guys who are respected and and love comedians who I love come through there and talk about some shit I never heard before, you know, and I think the little audience that was there appreciated that like that people were coming there. And if you went around the corner to see them at the cellar or whatever, you're not going to hear this.
You know, and it really, you know, I meant was just what this might be an outside chance here that we're just three old guys fantasizing when we came up. I'm sure these kids have their rooms and it's not as bad as damn kids won't laugh at anything. It's because you're fucking 90 years old, you freckled cunt. All right. We got to wrap it up here, D.C. It was such an honor to have you on here, dude.
You just you just had this quality to your work the entire time. You've never wavered. You never sold out, man. And I was so proud to be a small part of promoting your unbelievable special everybody, the unbelievable, legendary DC Bensimon.
Guys, thanks. Love you guys. Man, take care of my brother. Hope to see you soon. We've got.