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You're listening to Comedy Central now. Hey, what's going on, everybody? Welcome to The Daily Social Distancing Show. I'm Trevor Noah. It is Monday, August 17th, which means the Democratic National Convention kicked off today in Milwaukee. It also means there's still three days left for John Delaney to maybe win that nomination. You got this moment now before we get into the show, some of you may have noticed that my face is a little swollen and I know how the Internet gets.


So I just wanted to address this before people start rumors. What happened was I was walking to Subway to get my usual 3:00 a.m. sandwich. If you follow me on Instagram, you know how I roll. And this guy in a mega hat jumped out of nowhere and said, hey, aren't you that super funny comedian from The Daily Show?


And then he punched me in my face and then he ran away and hopped on a flight to Nigeria. Anyway, now that we've cleared that up on tonight's episode, America fights back to save the post office and how Trump plans to win the popular vote. So let's do this, people. Welcome to the Daily Social Distancing Show. From Trivers Couch in New York City to your couch somewhere in the world, the daily social distancing show presents. The Democratic National Convention electing America's first black president, Sprent.


So tonight was the first night of the Democratic National Convention and I was actually going to watch it, but I was in a bus fight on ghostwrote for Sheema and by the time I beat it, it was too late. So tomorrow, I promise you, we'll bring you the best highlights of tonight's speeches. But even if you didn't get to watch what happened, one thing's for certain. This year's conventions are anything but normal.


This pandemic is certainly changing how we nominate presidential candidates. The Democratic National Convention will get underway tonight to nominate Joe Biden, but hardly any speakers will be there in person.


So it will be almost an entirely virtual event. There will be no convention floor packed with delegates, no cheering or applause and no balloon drop.


These conventions don't expect anything quite like this. They won't be fun. They were so much fun and I don't mean just for me, I think the audience watched the craziness and the audience enjoyed that.


That's right. For the first time ever, the conventions are going virtual, which means no crowds, no dancing, no balloon drops, and definitely no Bill Clinton kissing booth. Now, honestly, I'm kind of looking forward to watching speeches without the crowd cheering every other sentence because everything at these conventions gets a standing ovation. Anything. Does anyone drive a 20 15 Sorento?


No, your lights are on. On the other hand, though, we all have to admit that a convention that takes place over Zoome just doesn't have the same juice.


I mean, imagine if Obama had to do one of his famous speeches, but on Zoom. Yes, we can.


Sorry Obama didn't get that. Could you say that again? Yes, we can. Oh, could you speak slower? I think the connection is bad. Yes. Aha. We can. OK, we can what. I think you cut off at the end. We can what.


No that's that's the whole thing. Yes we can.


Oh OK. Now you don't have to be a genius to see what the underlying message of tonight's lineup was from ABC and Bernie. On the left to John Kasich and a slew of other Republicans on the right tonight was meant to showcase the broad appeal of Joe Biden across the political spectrum. Joe Biden is basically the Cheerios of presidential candidates, so he's not the most exciting option.


But deep down, you know, he's good for you. And as he enters this convention week, Biden finds himself in a strong position against Trump. He's ahead by an average of eight points nationally. He's leading in five out of the six swing states and his wife sometimes lets him hold her hand. So that's something. But some recent polls show that Trump is closing the gap.


And if there's one thing I've learned living in America, it's that the poll numbers like the scores in basketball, they don't mean shit until the last two minutes of the game. And clearly, Trump doesn't care about the polls anyway because he's measuring the race by a completely different metric.


Did you see down in Florida the boat parade yesterday? They broke the Guinness Book of World Records and the boats, just thousands of boats. And that's all over the country. You know, it's everywhere. You have a lake or a river or an ocean. There's these massive numbers of boats and bikers for Trump.


I just look, there are thousands of boats in lakes, rivers and oceans, thousands and thousands of boats. It's called voters for Trump, voters for Trump Pence. There are signs all over. Some of the boats have 10 flags on them. They're incredible.


Yep. There's no denying that Trump is Euge with the boating community. And I don't blame them.


I mean, his policies are ensuring that the ice caps melt faster and make a lot more water for them. Plus, Trump has a special place in this community because he always stands like he's on a moving boat. In fact, I wouldn't be shocked if Trump tries to move all the polling locations from land to the sea. You know, a lot of people are saying that water elections are much safer. In fact, there's never been a rigged election on water.


You can check it out.


So obviously, Trump is very confident that the Bota votes will put him over the top. But as a backup, he's also been moving ahead with Plan B, destroying the US post office so that Democrats can't vote by mail. But over the weekend, attacks on the post office became so brazen that the people started fighting back the escalating showdown over the post office and mail in voting.


House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has cut short the August recess, called the House back into emergency session to confront the postmaster general over cutbacks in service, which could disrupt the delivery of mail in ballots and effectively deny some people the right to vote.


This morning, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is taking the dramatic step of calling every member of the House back to Washington for a rare Saturday session this weekend to address the crisis in the US Postal Service. And growing questions about the November election after reports surfaced in recent weeks of postal workers removing those iconic blue mail collection boxes from street corners in multiple states. The agency now says it will halt further removals for 90 days, citing, quote, recent customer concerns.


US Postmaster General Lewis Joy's home was the target of protesters over the weekend who accuse him of undermining the service in order to suppress the votes, banging pots and pans before nine o'clock Saturday.


Protesters marched to the front steps of what they say is Postmaster General Lewis Joyes D.C. condo.


Oh, man.


You got to admit, there's a few things that suck more than being neighbors with a Trump appointee because, you know, at some point people are going to be protesting the shit out of your building, not to mention Russian politicians always showing up at the wrong apartments. I'm here for secret the. A legal meeting? Oh, you want apartment seven, Dean, not seven G. Oh, my bit. My bit, but no, that you have seen face.


I offer you a drink that is not poison. But but for real, though, can anyone tell me why they're removing mailboxes?


Like if they don't actually need them, then why don't they repurpose them, you know, turn them into a trash can or a flower pot or a new apartment for Oscar the Grouch? I mean, maybe he'd be a little less grouchy if his house was filled with postcards instead of beds of dog shit. Now, Trump is claiming that the reason he's going off mailing votes is that it has too much fraud, but no one has ever been able to find evidence of that claim.


So yesterday, Trump's chief of staff said this.


Do you realize how inaccurate the voter rolls are? We're just people just moving around, not let alone the people that die off, but sending ballots out. Just it just based on a voter roll registration. Any time you move, you'll change your driver's license.


But don't call up and say, you know, either way, voter fraud, though, there's no evidence of widespread voter fraud. There's no there's no evidence that there's not either. That's the definition of fraud, Jake.


Wow. So there's no evidence of widespread voter fraud, but there's also no evidence that there isn't widespread voter fraud. I mean, once you go into that argument, there's nothing you can't claim anymore. I mean, sure, I haven't seen any evidence that aliens are cloning humans and making them compete in talent competitions in space. But I also haven't seen any evidence that aliens aren't cloning humans and making them compete in talent competitions in space. So clone travel, if you're watching this, you give them hell and that dance off, buddy.


And listen, people have all sorts of theories about why Trump is attacking the post office.


One of those is that he wants to slow mail down so that ballots don't arrive in time to be counted. But another theory is that he just wants Democrats to think that the mail is going to slow down so that they don't trust the mail and they don't send their ballots at all, which is why over the weekend, the king of the Democrats, Barack Obama, came out with a different message.


If you're in a state where you have the option to vote early, you need to do that now because the more votes are in early, the less likely you're going to see a last minute crunch, both at polling places and in those states where mail in ballots are permitted as much as possible. We want to relieve that pressure.


America really is an upside down place. The black president is telling everyone to vote early and the white president is trying to make sure everyone's late. And Obama's right, waiting until the last minute never works out like that. One year I waited until July to get my beachbody, but then all the beach buddies were sold out.


So in the face of all kinds of voting obstacles, that is President Obama's advice, which he reiterated on Twitter vote only if you can and then tell everyone, you know, to do the same thing, which I guess I'm doing right now.


I mean, you guys are basically everyone I know.


But just in case, I'm going to try to tell more people, hey, everyone, don't forget to vote as soon as you can. I want you to back up as soon as you can. OK, thank you, sir.


It went well. All right. It's time for a quick break. But when we come back, we'll catch you up on everything that's happening outside of the presidential race.


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Now the big story this week is obviously the Democratic National Convention, but there's still a lot of other stuff going on out there. So let's catch up on all of it in our brand new segments of stories that aren't about the convention.


Wordplay, anyway, here's some big news. Did you know that America is finally getting its first black president?


Well, the Washington football team, formerly known as the Washington Redskins, announcing its new team president. He will be the league's first black president. Jason Wright will lead the team's business ventures in operations and working with former Panthers head coach Ron Rivera on building the team on the field. Owner of the team says his experience as a former player and his push for inclusion will set new standards for that organization.


That's right. Washington has hired the first black president in NFL history, which is fantastic.


But if they follow the same pattern as America, the team's next president is going to kick all the Mexicans off the team and inject all the players with hydroxyl chloroquine. I will say, though, it really sucks to be a black person in America right now, because even if you do get offered a job, the first thing you have to think is how bad these white people got for them to need to hire me. And best of luck to Jason.




And I mean, best of luck, because football is the only sport right now that's trying to play with fans in the stands and with no bubble during covid. So if the league shuts down, you know, people are going to try to blame him. I'm just saying the league never shut down before when there was a white team president. It can't be a coincidence. Moving on to some news about climate change, it should be no surprise that 20 20 is on course to be the hottest year on record.


I mean, basically, every year now is hotter than the year before. It's in the same way every Hemsworth brother is hotter than the one before it. Is that right?


Was the other way around over the weekend, the temperature hit a different record. And this one is really going to make you sweat.


One part of the country is taking heat, and it could be a record Death Valley National Park, which is split between California and Nevada, recorded a high temperature of one hundred and thirty degrees yesterday. It needs to be verified, but if it is, it will be the hottest temperature recorded on Earth since 1913. The previous record was also recorded in Death Valley.


God damn. A hundred and thirty degrees C. This is when I like that Americans use Fahrenheit because in the rest of the world people use Celsius. But a scorching fifty four isn't the same, doesn't have the same ring to it.


One hundred and thirty degrees. Fifty four.


And Death Valley is a great name for a place that's one hundred and thirty degrees.


It is a terrible name in terms of real estate development. Who would name that. What they need to do is call a devil, you know, build a couple of condos and some coffee shops. Boom, like hipsters will be there by the end of the month.


This is just one more sign that we are all in a climate crisis, people.


But while most of the world wants to slow climate change, the Trump administration looks at record temperatures and they say, well, let's try and beat.


It's some breaking news this morning. The Trump administration finalized plans to open up the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to drilling a move that will auction off oil and gas rights. The move will allow leasing on the one point six million acre coastal plain and marks a major step towards reviving fossil fuel development in an area that has been untouched for three decades, untouched for three decades.


For a second, I thought that we're talking about Mike Pence and Bambi.


But that's right. With just a few months left in his term, Trump is about to let oil and gas companies go nuts in a pristine wildlife refuge.


It's almost like he knows he's not getting the security deposit back on the country. So he might as well just see how much of it he can wreck on the way out. I mean, this might be the first time Trump has destroyed the property value of a place without putting his name on it first. Also, Arctic wildlife is the best wildlife.


Why would you do this? Penguins, polar bears, seals, they're all amazing. The magical.


Why don't they have a drill in a place that has sucky wildlife like a mosquito preserve? And as bad as the climate crisis is, we still have a few years before many parts of the planet become uninhabitable. But unfortunately, the more immediate threat is still coronavirus.


It's a worldwide epidemic. And the reason your grocery store looks like a very casual Mortal Kombat tournament. But there is some good coronavirus news today. A medical breakthrough brought to you by the NBA.


The FDA has approved an emergency use authorization for a saliva based covid-19 test developed by Yale University. The test, known as Saliva Direct, has been used on NBA players and staff. And according to Yale, it's simpler, less expensive and less invasive. The NBA and the players union came together to donate more than five hundred thousand dollars to Yale for the research that led to the test.


That's right. The NBA has funded a Caronna test where all you have to do is spit in a cup. Although knowing the NBA, they probably have someone standing next to the cup trying to block you all.


But this is huge. The United States desperately needs more testing to get the pandemic under control and a simple test where you can just spit into a tube that could change everything. I mean, it's much easier than that test where you have to tickle your doctor, you know? Actually, I'm starting to wonder, was that guy real, Dr.. I was with the women under a bridge. But this is why I always say, people, it is so much better to get diseases later than earlier, you know, I always say that.


I mean, if you got covid in January, you had to do the more painful tests where they put the thing up your nose. But now all you have to do. Yeah, just like if you've got measles back in the day you died. But if you get it today or you get as an anti vaccine asking you if you took a couple shots.


Speaking of testing, New Zealand was the first country to declare itself covid free. But now, after three months of no Korona, the land of hobbits is back in emergency mode overseas.


The prime minister of New Zealand has delayed the national election for four weeks after about 50 people were infected in Auckland. That's the country's biggest city. Before the new outbreak, New Zealand had gone more than one hundred days without any known community spread.


Yes, New Zealand is now delaying its national election by four weeks because of an outbreak of 50 people. And I know 50 people doesn't sound like a lot, but that's like a third of their population. Yeah, they have a hundred and fifty people in twenty seven million sheep.


And, you know, this is the one difference between America and other countries, like other countries, are loose with their election laws.


You know, they're like, yeah, let's do an election in a month. We can delay it, whatever. But America doesn't play. Those America treats election laws like God told them directly to Thomas Jefferson.


Elections must be the first Tuesday after the first Monday of November, November and December, because that's my son's birthday, not January or February. It's like a really cold March is for basketball. We all know that April is for fools. Oh, I get it. And then in May, that's like summer and we don't do shit in summer. So, yeah, I'm thinking November. What do you think, Tommy?


Now, at the same time, I confront America's system really protects democracy, because if you have laws that are too loose and then you get the wrong leader like, say, Donald Trump, which I know would never happen, that can cause chaos because I believe if Donald Trump could postpone the elections because of coronavirus, he would be testing through the roof.


Hell, he'd probably pretend to get coronavirus every single month.


Guys, I'm afraid we're going to have to postpone the election for two more years because, like, you know, that feeling when you're not sick, but you're going to be sick. That's totally me right now. Sick ish, but not but totally symptoms could be OK. Bye bye.


When we come back, I'll be speaking to the man who they call the Biden whisperer.


Stick around. Welcome back to the Daily Social Distancing Show. So earlier today, I spoke with South Carolina Congressman and Democratic Majority Whip Jim Clyburn. We talked about Kamala Harris being on the ticket and what's really going on with the US Postal Service.


Congressman Clyburn, welcome to The Daily Social Distancing Show.


Thank you very much for having me. Thank you so much for taking the time at what is one of the busiest periods for top Democrats all around the country. First things first. Many people refer to you as the Biden whisperer, and you are the person who was credited with turning his fortune around in helping him secure South Carolina and then moving him to victory onwards from there. Did you whisper anything to him about choosing Kamala Harris?


Well, I whispered to him about what he should do in determining who his running mate should be. I did answer whatever questions he asked of me. I gave him positive positives and minuses about maybe a dozen people, and she was one of them. I told him on one occasion, my answer is this and my heart says something else. But it's got to be your head and your heart and you need to make that decision. So I never gave him one over the other.


Now that Kamala Harris is the pick, what does your head in your heart say?


She is who I believe complements him better than anybody else. He is a very compassionate person and she is a very passionate person. She has the kind of debating skills that I think will be needed in this campaign about those policies. It is good on policy, but Biden is not the kind of debater that Kamala is. And that is what you need in a VP candidate, someone to go toe to toe, not just against the other, but against the policies that are being dictated.


And so I think that she is out there on policy in a way that's going to drive Donald Trump nuts.


One thing that has to happen, though, in order for the Democrats to win this election is people have to come out and vote. One thing that's been really interesting is, is when people are polled, you know, a lot of people have said that they're not excited for Joe Biden, but they definitely want to vote against Donald Trump. You know, Joe Biden is seen as a pragmatic choice as opposed to a passionate choice. Do you think Kamala Harris shifts that?


And I know you don't speak for all black people, but as somebody who has deep roots within the black community, do you think that Kamala Harris now affects how black people will come out and vote for Biden in a way that maybe they didn't for Hillary?


Well, I think that she does a real good job in moving the needle on that quite a bit, maybe not all the way to where it needs to go. But I really believe that this campaign, when these two conventions are over, will be over as of Thursday night. The Republicans will have their time next week by Labor Day. I think you're going to see people move into Joe Biden on policy rather than just be against Trump. Yes, Trump has given us all we need to vote against.


I am working very closely with my good friend in Richmond who is co-chair of the campaign and my protege in the Congress. And we are looking at how to make this campaign one about Biden. We want people to vote for Biden and we're going to give them the reasons why they should vote for Biden. They already have enough reasons to vote against Trump.


Let's talk a little bit about the voting. I know you've been passionate for most of your life about voting rights. Americans in a really scary place right now, Congressman, where the November election is looming, coronavirus doesn't seem to be going anywhere. And the post office seems to be in a place where it may not be able to fulfill the needs of mainland voters across the country. Looking at the move that Jacinda Odden just announced in New Zealand. Do you see a future or do you see any possibility where America says they're going to move the dates of their election?


Or do you think that that's something that is fundamentally un-American, that is fundamentally un-American and it cannot be done? Congress sets the time for elections to take place. Now, that has been set for the Tuesday after the first Monday in November. And that's what it is. And this president to do nothing about that. He can declare some kind of emergency, take us to war or something. I hope he's got enough sense not to do something like that.


So I think the elections are. On November the 3rd. But what I've been saying to my Democratic friends that we ought to declare, if not officially, we ought to declare amongst ourselves election month, October ought to be election month, and we ought to dedicate ourselves to doing the things that are necessary to get people to the polls. This president says he is all for absentee voting. He's just against mail in voting. Well, absentee voting starts in most states, 30 days out in South Carolina on October the 5th.


People will start voting absentee. Now, we've been leaving it up to people to do it on their own. This time, we ought to create the mechanism during the month of October to get people voted absentee. So I've been asking my friends and my party to dedicate this election year to John Lewis and demonstrate election activities throughout the month of October.


So let me propose a horrible scenario that America has to consider. What if people do vote early? What if those votes get collected by the post office, but then they're not delivered in time to the places they need to be delivered to? And what if those votes are now not counted by the places that are that have announced they're not going to count them?


If they don't come in by Election Day, you could have hundreds of thousands or even millions of votes that could shift the election that are not going to be part of the election.


Do you think that that's worth not moving an election for or or do you have a plan in place for what happens if the post office doesn't follow through on what people hope it will achieve?


I do have a plan in place that is copied from Colorado. The state of Colorado, I think, got the best plan going. And it's not the relying on the post office. People who want to use the post office find you can, but is putting ballot boxes around town in various places and it's getting people to vote in-person, absentee, but in-person. So, yes, we can get around that. Sure. We need to keep the post office going, because I think this thing with the post office is about more than just voting.


I think that this president is camouflaging this activity. Remember, the poster has been with us before we ever had a constitution. That's how I got wrapped into the Constitution. And the post office, as always, is the thread, the main thread that keeps the fabric of this country together. And if we pulled that three out of the fabric, it comes apart. We have as our motto in this country, E Pluribus Unum out of many one.


That's what is all about. The post office has been the main threat to make this country a country of one. That is why we need to make sure we do not allow the Postal Service and I emphasize service to go awry. This is not about making a profit. That's why the post office is a service and not a business. Businesses exist to make a profit. Government should not exist to make a profit, but to give serious profit. Yes, for business, but for government gives service.


You are one of the speakers who is going to be speaking on the first night of the DNC, which is going to be a very different Democratic National Convention than the ones we're used to. What are you hoping people will take away from your speech tonight?


Well, the thrust of my speech is all about unity. While we have to maintain unity in this country, we are in pursuit of building a more perfect union, not a perfect union, but a more perfect union. I often talk about Alexis de Tocqueville in his description of this country. He says America is not great because it's more enlightened than any other nation, but rather because it has always been able to repair its faults. And so what I want to say to America tonight, we have opened up some fault lines in this country.


You know what they are? We need to do better about health care for our citizens, but education for our children, we know what those fault lines are. Let's go about the business of repairing those faults. That's what I'm going to be talking about tonight. And I'm going to be doing it from my congressional district and from Charleston, South Carolina.


Well, Congressman Clyburn, I know you have a very busy schedule, so I appreciate you taking the time. Thank you so much for joining us on the show.


Thank you very much for having me. Well, that's our show for tonight.


But before we go, there are a lot of groups out there right now who are working hard to protect and advance voting rights for the elections in. November now one of them is the Alliance for Youth Organizing, which is a national network of local youth led organizations mobilizing people to vote until tomorrow, though. Stay safe out there.


Wash your hands. And if you're a mailbox, watch out.


They're coming for you. The Daily Show with Criminal Lawyers Edition wants The Daily Show weeknights at 11:00, 10:00 Central on Comedy Central and the Comedy Central Watch full episodes and videos at The Daily Show Dotcom. Follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram and subscribe to The Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content and more. This has been a Comedy Central podcast now.